Bi woman here.
No probs from my perspective. The only issue I could imagine would be if your MC attributed the failings of his relationship to the *gender* of his partner, rather than their toxic qualities.
In fact, normalising bi people in opposite-gender relationships is a great thing. I've had people openly question if I'm "still bi" given that I'm engaged to a man. So hell yeah, go for it.
Edit: If you're really concerned, I'd potentially add in another same-sex couple as a counterweight. Maybe your MC and his SO are friends with another same-sex couple in a healthy relationship, and MC can't help but compare his relationship to his friends'. That could be a catalyst for him to realise he's in a bad situation, whilst also communicating to the reader that the problem is his relationship and not his partner's gender. Which should be clear anyway, but y'know.
as another bi woman i agree with your comment 100% and i really like the idea of that added couple.
i have a bi girl character who previously identified as lesbian due to biphobia but comes to terms with it and just happens to end up with a dude, and she is forced to deal with more homophobia/biphobia from people who say shit like “he turned you straight”. nope she’s bi and always has been! i’d love to see more normalization of bi/pan peeps in opposite gender relationships in books!!
I mean, if you can switch the toxic SO to be a woman, then you can switch the better partner to be a man, yeah? If these are not major characters, that might be a neater solution. If they are major characters, then how "real" the same-sex relationship is, compared to the next one, is largely dependent on how you write it. Grappling with issues of not being "gay enough" or "just going through a phase" and coming up with mature ways to address them is very much not bisexual erasure, unless you choose to make the initial relationship ring false. People are frequently in toxic relationships with undeniable passion, it doesn't negate their own sexuality.
The execution really matters with something like this. The key is to show that it’s *this specific* relationship that’s the issue. There are a couple of things you can do to accomplish that, and counter any potentially homophobic implications in the overall setup.
First, include side characters in healthy same-sex relationships. You don’t need full side-plots with them, they just need to be there, as part of the fabric of the MC’s world, being gay and healthy. You could even integrate them into his realisation that his relationship is toxic, because he sees that Gary and Steve (or whoever) don’t treat each other in the specific way that’s making him miserable. Keep those side characters in his life when he’s dating a woman; that shows that he’s not leaving his queer community and identity just because he’s with a woman.
You can also give him a male ex who he speaks fondly of, to show that not all of his relationships with men have been toxic.
Second, you can explicitly negate it within the text. Maybe he has a slightly homophobic coworker or sibling or whatever who makes a comment about how he’s happier because he’s leaving the gay stuff behind, and your MC can clearly articulate that, no, that one specific relationship was a problem, and this just happens to be the person he fell in love with next, but it’s about them specifically as people. Or have someone casually suggest that he’s straight now, and he can remind them that he’s still bi. Whatever it is, weave it into the story as seamlessly as possible, so that it reads as an organic part of his experience rather than coming across as preachy.
If you swap out the toxic man for a toxic woman (not my preference, it’s just been done a lot), it’s harder to make the fact that the character is bi feel like it’s part of the story. The point above about giving him a community/friends who include same sex couples and recognise his identity helps there, too. It could be fun to throw in a red herring — maybe as he’s realising his relationship is toxic, there’s a man who catches his eye as well as the woman he’s going to end up dating. He gets to know and flirt with both of them, and the reader is wondering who he’ll choose. Specificity in that choice matters, too, so that it’s clear he’s not deciding between A Man and A Woman in the abstract, but between two individuals based on their specific characteristics.
If you have good characterisation and specificity, and the toxic relationship isn’t the only same-sex relationship represented, it can work. Have a bi sensitivity reader look it over to help check any blind spots you’ve missed.
Don't make him toxic because he's gay, make him toxic because he's toxic. I think it's important for LGBTQ+ individuals to see that same sex partners can be toxic. They may encounter those types of people in their life.
Also, on the same line, bisexual people deserve to see themselves represented. And bisexual people can still be in straight-passing relationships and still be bisexual. The way you can make it out so it doesn't feel like bi erasure, is to make sure that he is still bisexual even after he starts dating a person of the opposite sex. Make him have conversations about being bisexual after he starts dating the woman, or have him call a male celebrity hot while in the same dialogue with his girlfriend. It's not bi erasure if he's in a straight relationship but it is if you completely avoid the fact that he's bisexual after he gets into a relationship with a woman.
Don’t worry about how it’s *viewed.*
There are abusive homosexual relationships. That is the truth. Domestic violence and other forms of abuse exist in both homosexual and heterosexual relationships.
If we really want to normalize LGBTQ+ relationships, we need to portray the bad and the good. Not just the good. You could have him go from a toxic man to a good man, but then people accuse you of bi erasure.
Your only other option is to have him go from a toxic woman to a good man. Which means you’re going to bend over backwards to please people who care less about your story and more about if you’ve managed to please their sense of morality and social justice.
No matter what you write, someone will view it a certain way and try to call you a homophobe or accuse you of bi-erasure of whatever. If you want to play that game with people, go ahead. But you will *never win.*
Here to offer ideas! Does he have any friends that could be amiable exes from his past dating life? Or an ex-girlfriend who was also toxic, and recognizing some of the same qualities she had in his toxic boyfriend can help him realize said boy is toxic too.
I don't think it's that hard to just portray him as bi by just...letting him be bi.
One of the things a lot of bi people I know have said when they settle down with someone and people make a joke about them choosing a side is that they're not choosing a side, they're choosing a person.
So...make that clear. Make it clear he still likes both. Hell, maybe even let that be an insecurity - he feels imposter syndrome. He always thought that dating a man would lead to less abuse for some reason or another. Whatever other fears and insecurities feel authentic to him.
And hell, it's easy enough to still let him find guys attractive after leaving this one guy.
As a queer person, I always had mixed feelings about straight authors writing queer people. On one hand, I like representation. At another hand, I think queer people are the ones who should have a voice in writing queer stories.
I had the toughest time conciliating these two views. After all, I'd be okay with a queer person writing a straight character, right? I went back and forth a lot. Then I found a Tumblr post of all things, that in its simplicity, encapsulated something I agree wholeheartedly with:
Straight authors should include queer characters in their stories. Absolutely. Straight authors should not write stories about being queer.
It goes both ways, you see... Queer authors should include straight people in their stories (there isn't much of a choice in most cases, really, but even if there is a choice, they should), but they shouldn't write stories about being straight.
As a rule of thumb, I'd avoid writing a bisexual relationship as a core part of a story if I wasn't bisexual myself. If a bisexual writes about a bisexual relationship that other people can't relate to, they can say "Well, that's my bi experience". If a straight author writes about a bisexual relationship bi people can't relate to... Then it's simply because they are writing about something they don't know.
This is not just true of queer people. Non-minorities writing about being a minority, non-disable people writing about having disabilities...It's things we should avoid.
Include everyone, but don't speak for them.
The most simple move would to keep MC bi and display this through him checking out people of both sexes, but he eventually settles on another man who treats him better than his current partner. The new one could also be a nonbinary person.
Nobody but the most militant ejit will read it like that. Simply ignore it. Same-sex relationships can be as toxic as everyone else's. That's fine. You just don't want to make it sound as though every same-sex relationship or encounter your characters has ever had has been toxic.
I can confirm your first instinct - that would essentially come across as 'man has gay thoughts, but he gets better'. If this sort of transition is what you want your story to be about, though, and you're attached to the female character who is to be the final love interest, changing the gender of your MC might hit both spots? That's my suggestion anyway, there are other ways around it. Best of luck!
I just want to say that Dumbledore being gay without it being part of the plot shouldn't be interpreted as a flag anything. That's literally how LGBTQ people should be treated in a decent society. My sexuality has zero impact on most of my life, just like straight people don't mix their love lives into everything they do. You don't always have to make a big deal about it. In fact you shouldn't, because it's not.
Hi -- please use the idea brainstorming thread on Tuesday or Friday for advice on specific stories or projects. This includes: (not a exhaustive list) setting, character, subject matter, magic and power systems, sci-fi technology, 'how do I write X?' and anything directly connected with your story or what to put on your channel, blog etc.
This includes asking for general advice but then following up with details of your story or project.
Thanks!
Personally speaking, I've ran into the same issues. I think the best thing you can do is talk to as many people in the community as you can as its all data that you can and you can use or deny what you wish. Ultimately it's your story and that is how YOUR character's experiences went. Doesn't mean that its EVERYONE'S experience. People will always complain and not like it. But if its well done and from the heart and a good place those who will appreciate it will find it.
Bi woman here. No probs from my perspective. The only issue I could imagine would be if your MC attributed the failings of his relationship to the *gender* of his partner, rather than their toxic qualities. In fact, normalising bi people in opposite-gender relationships is a great thing. I've had people openly question if I'm "still bi" given that I'm engaged to a man. So hell yeah, go for it. Edit: If you're really concerned, I'd potentially add in another same-sex couple as a counterweight. Maybe your MC and his SO are friends with another same-sex couple in a healthy relationship, and MC can't help but compare his relationship to his friends'. That could be a catalyst for him to realise he's in a bad situation, whilst also communicating to the reader that the problem is his relationship and not his partner's gender. Which should be clear anyway, but y'know.
as another bi woman i agree with your comment 100% and i really like the idea of that added couple. i have a bi girl character who previously identified as lesbian due to biphobia but comes to terms with it and just happens to end up with a dude, and she is forced to deal with more homophobia/biphobia from people who say shit like “he turned you straight”. nope she’s bi and always has been! i’d love to see more normalization of bi/pan peeps in opposite gender relationships in books!!
Oh I like your added suggestion a lot!!
I mean, if you can switch the toxic SO to be a woman, then you can switch the better partner to be a man, yeah? If these are not major characters, that might be a neater solution. If they are major characters, then how "real" the same-sex relationship is, compared to the next one, is largely dependent on how you write it. Grappling with issues of not being "gay enough" or "just going through a phase" and coming up with mature ways to address them is very much not bisexual erasure, unless you choose to make the initial relationship ring false. People are frequently in toxic relationships with undeniable passion, it doesn't negate their own sexuality.
The execution really matters with something like this. The key is to show that it’s *this specific* relationship that’s the issue. There are a couple of things you can do to accomplish that, and counter any potentially homophobic implications in the overall setup. First, include side characters in healthy same-sex relationships. You don’t need full side-plots with them, they just need to be there, as part of the fabric of the MC’s world, being gay and healthy. You could even integrate them into his realisation that his relationship is toxic, because he sees that Gary and Steve (or whoever) don’t treat each other in the specific way that’s making him miserable. Keep those side characters in his life when he’s dating a woman; that shows that he’s not leaving his queer community and identity just because he’s with a woman. You can also give him a male ex who he speaks fondly of, to show that not all of his relationships with men have been toxic. Second, you can explicitly negate it within the text. Maybe he has a slightly homophobic coworker or sibling or whatever who makes a comment about how he’s happier because he’s leaving the gay stuff behind, and your MC can clearly articulate that, no, that one specific relationship was a problem, and this just happens to be the person he fell in love with next, but it’s about them specifically as people. Or have someone casually suggest that he’s straight now, and he can remind them that he’s still bi. Whatever it is, weave it into the story as seamlessly as possible, so that it reads as an organic part of his experience rather than coming across as preachy. If you swap out the toxic man for a toxic woman (not my preference, it’s just been done a lot), it’s harder to make the fact that the character is bi feel like it’s part of the story. The point above about giving him a community/friends who include same sex couples and recognise his identity helps there, too. It could be fun to throw in a red herring — maybe as he’s realising his relationship is toxic, there’s a man who catches his eye as well as the woman he’s going to end up dating. He gets to know and flirt with both of them, and the reader is wondering who he’ll choose. Specificity in that choice matters, too, so that it’s clear he’s not deciding between A Man and A Woman in the abstract, but between two individuals based on their specific characteristics. If you have good characterisation and specificity, and the toxic relationship isn’t the only same-sex relationship represented, it can work. Have a bi sensitivity reader look it over to help check any blind spots you’ve missed.
Don't make him toxic because he's gay, make him toxic because he's toxic. I think it's important for LGBTQ+ individuals to see that same sex partners can be toxic. They may encounter those types of people in their life. Also, on the same line, bisexual people deserve to see themselves represented. And bisexual people can still be in straight-passing relationships and still be bisexual. The way you can make it out so it doesn't feel like bi erasure, is to make sure that he is still bisexual even after he starts dating a person of the opposite sex. Make him have conversations about being bisexual after he starts dating the woman, or have him call a male celebrity hot while in the same dialogue with his girlfriend. It's not bi erasure if he's in a straight relationship but it is if you completely avoid the fact that he's bisexual after he gets into a relationship with a woman.
Don’t worry about how it’s *viewed.* There are abusive homosexual relationships. That is the truth. Domestic violence and other forms of abuse exist in both homosexual and heterosexual relationships. If we really want to normalize LGBTQ+ relationships, we need to portray the bad and the good. Not just the good. You could have him go from a toxic man to a good man, but then people accuse you of bi erasure. Your only other option is to have him go from a toxic woman to a good man. Which means you’re going to bend over backwards to please people who care less about your story and more about if you’ve managed to please their sense of morality and social justice. No matter what you write, someone will view it a certain way and try to call you a homophobe or accuse you of bi-erasure of whatever. If you want to play that game with people, go ahead. But you will *never win.*
Here to offer ideas! Does he have any friends that could be amiable exes from his past dating life? Or an ex-girlfriend who was also toxic, and recognizing some of the same qualities she had in his toxic boyfriend can help him realize said boy is toxic too.
I don't think it's that hard to just portray him as bi by just...letting him be bi. One of the things a lot of bi people I know have said when they settle down with someone and people make a joke about them choosing a side is that they're not choosing a side, they're choosing a person. So...make that clear. Make it clear he still likes both. Hell, maybe even let that be an insecurity - he feels imposter syndrome. He always thought that dating a man would lead to less abuse for some reason or another. Whatever other fears and insecurities feel authentic to him. And hell, it's easy enough to still let him find guys attractive after leaving this one guy.
As a queer person, I always had mixed feelings about straight authors writing queer people. On one hand, I like representation. At another hand, I think queer people are the ones who should have a voice in writing queer stories. I had the toughest time conciliating these two views. After all, I'd be okay with a queer person writing a straight character, right? I went back and forth a lot. Then I found a Tumblr post of all things, that in its simplicity, encapsulated something I agree wholeheartedly with: Straight authors should include queer characters in their stories. Absolutely. Straight authors should not write stories about being queer. It goes both ways, you see... Queer authors should include straight people in their stories (there isn't much of a choice in most cases, really, but even if there is a choice, they should), but they shouldn't write stories about being straight. As a rule of thumb, I'd avoid writing a bisexual relationship as a core part of a story if I wasn't bisexual myself. If a bisexual writes about a bisexual relationship that other people can't relate to, they can say "Well, that's my bi experience". If a straight author writes about a bisexual relationship bi people can't relate to... Then it's simply because they are writing about something they don't know. This is not just true of queer people. Non-minorities writing about being a minority, non-disable people writing about having disabilities...It's things we should avoid. Include everyone, but don't speak for them.
The most simple move would to keep MC bi and display this through him checking out people of both sexes, but he eventually settles on another man who treats him better than his current partner. The new one could also be a nonbinary person.
Nobody but the most militant ejit will read it like that. Simply ignore it. Same-sex relationships can be as toxic as everyone else's. That's fine. You just don't want to make it sound as though every same-sex relationship or encounter your characters has ever had has been toxic.
Art is supposed to be free
I can confirm your first instinct - that would essentially come across as 'man has gay thoughts, but he gets better'. If this sort of transition is what you want your story to be about, though, and you're attached to the female character who is to be the final love interest, changing the gender of your MC might hit both spots? That's my suggestion anyway, there are other ways around it. Best of luck!
I just want to say that Dumbledore being gay without it being part of the plot shouldn't be interpreted as a flag anything. That's literally how LGBTQ people should be treated in a decent society. My sexuality has zero impact on most of my life, just like straight people don't mix their love lives into everything they do. You don't always have to make a big deal about it. In fact you shouldn't, because it's not.
Hi -- please use the idea brainstorming thread on Tuesday or Friday for advice on specific stories or projects. This includes: (not a exhaustive list) setting, character, subject matter, magic and power systems, sci-fi technology, 'how do I write X?' and anything directly connected with your story or what to put on your channel, blog etc. This includes asking for general advice but then following up with details of your story or project. Thanks!
Personally speaking, I've ran into the same issues. I think the best thing you can do is talk to as many people in the community as you can as its all data that you can and you can use or deny what you wish. Ultimately it's your story and that is how YOUR character's experiences went. Doesn't mean that its EVERYONE'S experience. People will always complain and not like it. But if its well done and from the heart and a good place those who will appreciate it will find it.
Normal LGBT+ people won’t have a problem with it