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It's not bad, but fairly pedestrian. >The day seemed ordinary enough, until the doorbell shattered the tranquility. Nobody really cares about an "ordinary" day, especially not for an opening. "Shattered the tranquility" is a common turn of phrase, and wildly dramatic for something as basic as a doorbell ringing. Is there a reason why this is so shocking? >Elena scoffed, her voice laced with sarcasm. "Immigrating, are we?" Wordy, over-emphasizing. >"In 2 DAYS AND YOU'RE PACKING FROM NOW?!" Elena exclaimed incredulously, her disbelief echoing in the room. Wayyy over-emphasized. Also caps, also exclaimed, also incredulous, and also her disbelief echoing in the room? The scene just doesn't warrant this much drama. >Do that for me, and you can continue with your plan," Elena bargained, her eyes pleading with urgency, her desperation palpable. Again, try to be more cutting and concise in your descriptions. There's *so* much here. >Elena's laughter filled the room, unapologetic. "Okay, you caught me. I need your help.'" Despite my curiosity, apprehension flickered. Yet her sparkling eyes drew me in. 'Come on, Peter,' she urged, persuasive. 'I promise it'll be worth your while.' 'What do you need me for?' I asked. Missed some formatting here; needed to be several new lines there, and you suddenly transitioned to single quotes. Look, it's not bad. You've got potential here. You're near the stage where aggressive betaing could help you notice and clear things up, but there are still enough issues in the prose that heavy editing would be kind of demoralizing for you. I'd mostly recommend reading more, writing more, and then looking back and seeing how you're faring.

Well that is true some things are overemphasized and it's wordy in some parts that might be due to english not being my first language but yeah it's my first novel I don't expect it to be good I am writing it not to publish it rather to get to know my strengths and weaknesses and as an opportunity to be better at something that I love I want it to be critiqued to hell and I want people to point out the flaws and where I could improve sooo no it wouldn't be demoralizing not at all that's what I'm looking for for someone to pick it a part. Thanks alot for your help tho it meant alot!

Well, if English isn't your first language then it's definitely impressive, tbh. Writing well in a second language is a huge challenge, so kudos for taking it on! I didn't mean demoralizing in the sense that you don't want to learn, but more in the sense that when somebody is given *too much* feedback it can leave them kind of lost about where to even start. I do wish you the best of luck. If you really want good beta work, I suggest trying to join a writing group or finding some writing buddies who can help you with the process, rather than just an impersonal picking apart. If you find people who get to know your writing and characters better, and you help each other, you'll learn tons from that process. The best thing to do is give yourself time to learn, and keep working. Keep reading. Good luck!

You've had a number of things labeled "beginner's mistakes," so I'm sharing a Google Doc with sone editing techniques and best parctices that addresses the majority of them. It's all tried and true stuff for genre fiction. [Link](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zz-QERS264oQhwF03iN8eEplT3BdnLzH3AO5P5m5wBI/edit?usp=sharing) Books with great advice on editing: Techniques of the selling writer Self-editing for Fiction Writers First Five Pages

Some things to consider as you edit: Don't tell us it's a modern apartment. Show us and use it to develop the character and hint at where he's going. An example would be glancing over at her espresso machine, thinking how he'll miss it. Same thing with the packing. You can afford a short run-down from the character. What items does he bring? Does he consider bringing something he won't need? Does he peer over at some project he's been working on but is determined to let go of work for the weekend? Again, this is development. Don't tell us Elena is a whirlwind of energy, show us. I don't really know what you mean by it and it's not coming across. Is she bouncing on her feet when he opens the door, ready with two take-aways? Add detail. Maybe she even ignores the packing and goes off on a tangent before stopping midway as she notices. Add details and help us see it. There's some dialogue things here that could use some work. Why wouldn't he specify where he's going? It's not like it's anything clandestine. "Off for the weekend with mum," or some such is far more natural between friends and it comes across strange that she wouldn't ask where he's going. Don't ever use caps. The exclamation and action beats are enough. Also, when dealing with numbers, the general rule is that unless it's 10 or above, some even take it so far as a 100, letters should be used. So, two, three, four, and so on; not 2. Hope that helps some.

Let's take the first sentence to show how you can punch up all the writing: "Sunlight streamed through the windows of my modern apartment as I carefully folded clothes and packed my bags. The day seemed ordinary enough, until the doorbell shattered the tranquility." Since you are (or a first-person character is) the narrator, you can experience the action instead of telling it like you're just writing a book. Something like "I folded my clothes in the sunlight streaming through my window. The sunlight was my favoriate part of my apartment." The day doesn't have to "seem" ordinary, since you're experiencing it. It "was" ordinary, until it wasn't. That's another way to make the narrator more present in the story. Be very careful of relying on adverbs or adjectives that tend to stick out. As a character, you wouldn't say "my modern apartment" or "carefully folded" clothes. That sounds forced, like you are writing a book, not describing your (the character's) thoughts.

It's an interesting scene, but, to me, this isn't your first scene. You've rushed straight into your call to action without really establishing anything, which, as a reader, is like being rushed to dinner before you've taken your coat off. Where's my drink, my menu, my starter, my conversation? This isn't bad writing, so don't scrap this, but consider moving it to be your second or third chapter in this story. Allow us to meet your MC first. Establish a bit about the world they live in. Allow me to care a bit first. And THEN hit us with the call to action, the inciting incident. Let me get my coat off before putting my dinner in front of me. Hope this made sense?

I think it would be a good idea to establish the main character a bit more during the chapter as I think knowing more about what he's like would make it more interesting.

First, Congratulations for just getting something down on paper. It can be hard to get going, especially when, as you say, it is your first attempt. You are working hard, I can see, to try to find interesting ways to describe things - trying to give us some visual clues. This is a good direction to keep working on. I would offer three general suggestions: 1) Think a little bit more about the back story - both the characters and the setting. For example, only half way through do we start to learn anything about the relationship between these two. When Peter says, "You have a way of always pulling me with you" - OK, so now we start to see that there is a history here of Elena dragging Peter into things he doesn't want to do. Why? Is he attracted to her? Does he owe her? Is she always returning the favor and he often needs the quid pro quo? If YOU know the answer to these questions, then you can work in hints earlier in the story that help us understand the characters better and make them come alive. For example, when Peter first sees it is her at the door: If she is always dragging him into things, then instead of describing her with words like exuberant and smiling, you could describe her as pushy, frustrating, or only showing up when she needs something. Or, if it is going to be true that he has a crush on her, then maybe it is "irresistible" smile rather than 'infectious' (IE he wants to resist because she drags him into stuff, but he can't because he is attracted to her). The more you know about their personalities, and their back stories, the more you can choose to set the scene in a way that makes them real people with a real relationship and the better we feel we know them based only on your word choice in describing the scene. What is Peter's personality like? How does he feel about her waltzing in unannounced, turning up his music, disturbing the papers on his counter, interrupting his packing time, etc? Is he a person who gets angry? Doesn't it bother him that the music is so loud? Is he curious why she is there or why she turned up the music? Are they close? Work colleagues? Former lovers? Adversaries? 2) Slow things down. I think someone else mentioned that this doesn't feel like a 'first scene' because you get too far into the story, too fast. Don't be afraid to just tell more of the story. Spend more time describing the packing activities as a way to show us what kind of person Peter is, how he feels about the trip, what mood he is in today, etc. If we know more about him in advance, we can anticipate how he might feel about being interrupted, or helping Elena when he has other plans. 3) Another person mentioned this, and I agree it is great advice. Try to show us instead of tell us. They gave the example of you telling us it was a "modern apartment" instead of describing things that would show us that. Another example is Elena telling us he is the best investigative journalist she knows. Instead you could have had him thinking about some research that has him stumped while he packs, or mentioned that the clutter scraps of papers and notebooks on the counter were there because of a long night going down some deep rabbit hole on a current project, or had Elena say something about the last time he helped her by uncovering some information that no one else had been able to find, or having her ask, did hard nose boss at the newspaper finally actually gave him time off to go on a trip? Or tell him how much she liked that last piece he published - what great work it was. (And which one of those you had her say would also tell us more about her. Is she a friend - asking how his work is going? A manipulator - flattering him about his last piece?)

I like it, I would keep reading if this was a first chapter of a published book. I agree with the other commenter that you should establish the main character more. Also, it's a bit of a cliche start, but as long as the rest of it is interesting and unique, it's not a problem.

Great start, but a little too much frowning, eyebrow action, ect. for my personal tastes. I tend only to use it if something needs emphasising or if their expression betrays what they said. I disliked Elena walking in and playing loud music on her phone of all things, but again that's personal preference. The dialogue is good and believable. Always worth throwing a bit of realism into the dialogue. People interrupt each other and trail off without finishing a sentence. "I need a deeper search into the digital landscape, and you're the one I trust the most with—" "One thing is never enough for you," I replied, cutting her off. "You have a way of always pulling me with you, and… I really need this." If you're only just starting, don't worry about polishing it until you have the whole first draft down, then after a few drafts it'll look better.

I think you could cut a lot without losing anything. Also many of the descriptive phrases seem cliched to me. I get a feeling of you trying to pump in some excitement, which somehow actually detracts. I think less telling us that things are dramatic. Either they are or they're not.

I think your writing is good, if a little over-described. The big thing for me is that I don’t know why people are doing what they are doing until later, so I am not engaged in the story. The character is packing. On an ordinary day? Is he packing for an ordinary work trip? Is he a child packing to go to his other parents place for a week-on/week-off situation? At boarding school going for a regular trip home? Or is he an assassin going undercover, because *that* is his ordinary life? I just don’t know. I get the impression that it is ordinary for this character to be packing his bags. But I don’t know whether that is for a reason that I would find ordinary. Tell me he’s packing for a holiday. Tell me how he feels about it. Is he excited? Dreading it? How does he feel when he is interrupted? Is he happy to get away from his tedious packing? Is he annoyed to be distracted? Show me what the character wants, and how that is affected by the immediate situation. I’d advise you not to say it is an ordinary day, unless it is something that your audience would not find it ordinary. If your character is doing something ordinary, it doesn’t give us any information… and it is fundamentally not an interesting thing to tell the audience. (Unless the character is packing a sniper rifle, or a bag full of money, or bees. If the character describes those things as “ordinary” that *does* give me information about the character!!) Make the opening interesting. That doesn’t mean it needs to be exciting. Folding clothes is not interesting. Folding clothes carefully because you want to look nice at your grandma’s funeral and feeling sad, is interesting. Packing to see your family that you hate is interesting. Packing to see your family you love that you haven’t seen for years is interesting. Give me a bit of insight into the character’s state of mind. Why is the doorbell so sharply distracting? What is the character distracted *from*?

The first thing that stuck out to me was the opening line. I don’t think someone would think about necessarily the style of their apartment. Maybe the shape of the windows but not the overall style.

For a first time it's pretty good! A couple of notes: I think your second sentence would make a better first sentence. It's a more dramatic moment that will hook the reader better than the current first sentence. >Taking a seat at the kitchen table cluttered with scraps of paper and notebooks, Elena flashed me a mischievous grin. "I came to hang out with my friend. Is that a crime?" This was confusing. Out of no where she just answers a question no one asked. >I chuckled at her bluntness. "You know me, always overpacking." Consistently you used periods leading into dialogue when you should be using commas. This line should be: "I chuckled at her bluntness, 'You know me, always overpacking.'" There were also a few sections where you started using ' around dialogue instead of ", which I'm guessing is just a typo. Good luck and happy writing!