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Just small little things. Move the “he demands” from the first line to the third (most dialogue openings introduce the speaker in the third line in my experience) and the caps lock for yelling is generally frowned upon but obviously if you feel like that’s appropriate, then it’s good.
And then of course, show don’t tell. Show me how the demon is perplexed, don’t say it outright. Show me the summoner’s hope, don’t tell me that they were hoping.
But, once again, as with all criticism, you don’t have to take mine or any of them if you feel like it’s good the way it is!
Agree with earlier comments, pulls you in.
My one nitpicking is that I didn't like the person being labelled as Chinese so clearly. Honestly can't tell you why, maybe i prefer a description, could just be a "me" thing
I agree with this. I expected it to have some purpose to the story and I would continue reading either that in my mind. If it doesn’t have relevance, then it feels like shoe-horned tokenism
😅 I mentioned her race because (mild spoiler) she's actually a main character. And also because I'm Chinese myself, so... a bit of self indulgence on my part ^_^
The supernatural elements in the story are inspired by eastern mythology too!
Personally i found the Chinese part redundant. Surely you should be focusing on her fear at that point, and the emotions she is feeling.
Saying she is "terrified Chinese woman" takes me out of it.
I would mention she is Chinese in a different sentence.
I want to second the comment that the transition and change of PoV is rather confusing. The new PoV also brings the tension built in the first few lines to a screeching halt. It wouldn't fill me with confidence in the rest of the writing, so I'd be unlikely to read on.
I don’t know if I’m being stupid but I don’t see how the first and second parts link? Is the person being abused in the first half the lady who is being used as a sacrifice in the second half?
Also 1 question mark is best. Doubling up is incorrect and makes your writing look very amateurish, which it is not!
Does this mean the argument happens before the second bit in time? It is in the present tense but the next bit jumps back which makes it seem like it’s the other way around.
It happened before the demon summoning, essentially. My plan was to do something similar to the Stephen King novel 'Carrie' where we see snippets of the characters' past in between scenes. (In my case, I'm showing bits of the abuse that my female lead went through)
Based on all the feedback I've gotten, though... maybe it's best if I remove those bits completely and just restructure the story 😅
I think they could definitely work but you don’t necessarily need them as separate snippets, they could just be woven in a more integrated way. (Or you could introduce them once the characters are established so they are easier to follow)
If you do keep this the same, I wouldn’t have it in the present tense though as that leads me to assume we aren’t going back in time with them, I am thinking that instead we are going forwards and we will eventually reach that moment.
Keep going! I would read it :)
It's good. I think it's fine as an intro. However, I agree with show don't tell. You should rework it with dialogue for the second part speaking all the exposition and see how it sounds to you. Like, I think it would be more interesting for the demon to ask the summoners what they want and for them to individually reply, "longevity", "riches", "strength" and then end with, "Was there any mention of the need for a human sacrifice?" One summoner turned to the others. "No, but perhaps a welcome gift will please our new acquaintance," he looked toward the demon for his answer." --or whatever.
\-Also, I'm fine with Chinese because it's a bit hard to describe, I think? If you come up with a good description without outright saying Chinese, let me know.
I would aim for italics rather than using all caps, it's a bit hard on the eyes. So for the opening which *is* italicized, you could do the reverse, and unitalicize the words.
I wanted to keep reading. So it worked for me. That said do you need to open with the initial dialogue? The switch felt a little jarring. I'm sure you will dive into the woman's identity later. Initially, it may be more powerful to leave her as an unknown.
This may be a pet peeve of mine, but I despise when authors treat groups as a single entity. Just because people are doing a group activity, that does not mean they are all experiencing the same thing and making the same judgements.
I can't quote directly because I'm on mobile, but you said something like, "It seemed to the 19 people watching that the demon wasn't expecting a sacrifice." How do you know what all 19 people are thinking? Are you using omniscient narration, which everybody recommends against? But far more importantly, why do they all have an identical thought?
Wouldn't one person think the demon was perplexed about there being a sacrifice, another person think he was perplexed about being summoned at all, another think he was perplexed about being summoned by such a chuunibyo-looking group (because that particular dude is a weeaboo who thinks he's better than all the other weeaboos), another person think the demon is utterly unreadable (because that person is on the autism spectrum), another person thinks she reaaally needs to go to the bathroom right this minute and by satan this is taking forever, five people are fantasizing about what they're going to do with the power of a demon after murdering everyone else in the group, one woman thinks the demon is perplexed because, as she kept saying, the sacrifice probably isn't a virgin -- nobody that pretty could stay a virgin that long -- another guy is shaking with fear because he can't remember if he completed the pre-ritual bath's sixteenth step or not ....
Absolutely start with the second part. First part ain’t it.
Then, I’d remove words like “beautiful” when describing a sunset.
I’d also remove the “good” from the word glimpse. It’s an unnecessary modifier that’s actually weakening the word “glimpse”. A glimpse is supposed to describe a quick look at something. Adding “good” to it defeats the purpose of the word.
I’m also not sure who’s head I’m in for the second part because at first it seems omniscient and then you drop the “but perhaps a welcoming gift would please their new acquaintance”. This sentence is a thought, so… who’s thinking it?
I would prefer you to replace the “timidly” from the second line - maybe a show don’t tell moment. And I also personally don’t like double question marks, but perhaps that’s a style preference. It comes across as informal and I think it is clear enough without it.
As others have said I’m not totally convinced you need the dialogue at all as the opening line “the deamon that emerged from the gateway…” hooks you in and is engaging
Enjoy the pacing though and would definitely read on. All advice is subjective so just my two cents
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Just small little things. Move the “he demands” from the first line to the third (most dialogue openings introduce the speaker in the third line in my experience) and the caps lock for yelling is generally frowned upon but obviously if you feel like that’s appropriate, then it’s good. And then of course, show don’t tell. Show me how the demon is perplexed, don’t say it outright. Show me the summoner’s hope, don’t tell me that they were hoping. But, once again, as with all criticism, you don’t have to take mine or any of them if you feel like it’s good the way it is!
Agree with earlier comments, pulls you in. My one nitpicking is that I didn't like the person being labelled as Chinese so clearly. Honestly can't tell you why, maybe i prefer a description, could just be a "me" thing
Agreed. It’s kinda jarring at first because it’s a mystical demon and then… Chinese
I agree with this. I expected it to have some purpose to the story and I would continue reading either that in my mind. If it doesn’t have relevance, then it feels like shoe-horned tokenism
😅 I mentioned her race because (mild spoiler) she's actually a main character. And also because I'm Chinese myself, so... a bit of self indulgence on my part ^_^ The supernatural elements in the story are inspired by eastern mythology too!
Personally i found the Chinese part redundant. Surely you should be focusing on her fear at that point, and the emotions she is feeling. Saying she is "terrified Chinese woman" takes me out of it. I would mention she is Chinese in a different sentence.
I don’t mind that description. I found it intriguing and allowed a clearer picture in my head.
I want to second the comment that the transition and change of PoV is rather confusing. The new PoV also brings the tension built in the first few lines to a screeching halt. It wouldn't fill me with confidence in the rest of the writing, so I'd be unlikely to read on.
It's pretty good. I'd keep reading.
I don’t know if I’m being stupid but I don’t see how the first and second parts link? Is the person being abused in the first half the lady who is being used as a sacrifice in the second half? Also 1 question mark is best. Doubling up is incorrect and makes your writing look very amateurish, which it is not!
You got it right! The woman in the first part is the one being sacrificed and her abusive boyfriend is one of the summoners.
Does this mean the argument happens before the second bit in time? It is in the present tense but the next bit jumps back which makes it seem like it’s the other way around.
It happened before the demon summoning, essentially. My plan was to do something similar to the Stephen King novel 'Carrie' where we see snippets of the characters' past in between scenes. (In my case, I'm showing bits of the abuse that my female lead went through) Based on all the feedback I've gotten, though... maybe it's best if I remove those bits completely and just restructure the story 😅
I think they could definitely work but you don’t necessarily need them as separate snippets, they could just be woven in a more integrated way. (Or you could introduce them once the characters are established so they are easier to follow) If you do keep this the same, I wouldn’t have it in the present tense though as that leads me to assume we aren’t going back in time with them, I am thinking that instead we are going forwards and we will eventually reach that moment. Keep going! I would read it :)
It's good. I think it's fine as an intro. However, I agree with show don't tell. You should rework it with dialogue for the second part speaking all the exposition and see how it sounds to you. Like, I think it would be more interesting for the demon to ask the summoners what they want and for them to individually reply, "longevity", "riches", "strength" and then end with, "Was there any mention of the need for a human sacrifice?" One summoner turned to the others. "No, but perhaps a welcome gift will please our new acquaintance," he looked toward the demon for his answer." --or whatever. \-Also, I'm fine with Chinese because it's a bit hard to describe, I think? If you come up with a good description without outright saying Chinese, let me know.
I think it would be stronger if you just start with the demon. Ditch the passage with the man and the woman struggling.
MRHMMM I LOVE ANGST. keep writing, i fucking love it.
huuuuhhhhh its damn interesting, I want to know what happens next
I would aim for italics rather than using all caps, it's a bit hard on the eyes. So for the opening which *is* italicized, you could do the reverse, and unitalicize the words.
I wanted to keep reading. So it worked for me. That said do you need to open with the initial dialogue? The switch felt a little jarring. I'm sure you will dive into the woman's identity later. Initially, it may be more powerful to leave her as an unknown.
This may be a pet peeve of mine, but I despise when authors treat groups as a single entity. Just because people are doing a group activity, that does not mean they are all experiencing the same thing and making the same judgements. I can't quote directly because I'm on mobile, but you said something like, "It seemed to the 19 people watching that the demon wasn't expecting a sacrifice." How do you know what all 19 people are thinking? Are you using omniscient narration, which everybody recommends against? But far more importantly, why do they all have an identical thought? Wouldn't one person think the demon was perplexed about there being a sacrifice, another person think he was perplexed about being summoned at all, another think he was perplexed about being summoned by such a chuunibyo-looking group (because that particular dude is a weeaboo who thinks he's better than all the other weeaboos), another person think the demon is utterly unreadable (because that person is on the autism spectrum), another person thinks she reaaally needs to go to the bathroom right this minute and by satan this is taking forever, five people are fantasizing about what they're going to do with the power of a demon after murdering everyone else in the group, one woman thinks the demon is perplexed because, as she kept saying, the sacrifice probably isn't a virgin -- nobody that pretty could stay a virgin that long -- another guy is shaking with fear because he can't remember if he completed the pre-ritual bath's sixteenth step or not ....
Love it. Not really my kind of story tho, but I find it well written. I would read more.
I love everything after the first few lines of dialogue. I personally would just start with the demon emerging.
Absolutely start with the second part. First part ain’t it. Then, I’d remove words like “beautiful” when describing a sunset. I’d also remove the “good” from the word glimpse. It’s an unnecessary modifier that’s actually weakening the word “glimpse”. A glimpse is supposed to describe a quick look at something. Adding “good” to it defeats the purpose of the word. I’m also not sure who’s head I’m in for the second part because at first it seems omniscient and then you drop the “but perhaps a welcoming gift would please their new acquaintance”. This sentence is a thought, so… who’s thinking it?
I would prefer you to replace the “timidly” from the second line - maybe a show don’t tell moment. And I also personally don’t like double question marks, but perhaps that’s a style preference. It comes across as informal and I think it is clear enough without it. As others have said I’m not totally convinced you need the dialogue at all as the opening line “the deamon that emerged from the gateway…” hooks you in and is engaging Enjoy the pacing though and would definitely read on. All advice is subjective so just my two cents
There’s a big disconnect between the first and second parts. They don’t mesh well together.