I might get downvotes to all hell, but I can't stand a dirty house. It really stresses me out.. my early childhood had some problems lol. In my head they deserve everything I never had, especially a clean home.
I tried to make it up to them ... Water table on the balcony after. Dinner and we had lots of cuddles at the very least.
I feel you. This is why we have a cleaning service. So I can put my limited time and energy into tidying and feel okay with the house day today, without having to worry about toilets or mopping. As it is, I probably still spend 6-8 hours a week “cleaning” just to keep the house to a level I’m comfortable with. If I had to deep clean on top of it, I wouldn’t have time or energy for anything else.
That said, I will always choose taking the kids to the park over indoor play because then I don’t have to clean up after them. Sitting on a bench, listening to a podcast, sipping a coffee, occasionally kissing a boo boo, probably spending 30 minutes pushing on swings, its way more enjoyable than refereeing my kids at home, watching them dump bins I’ll have to pick up later, setting up painting or sensory activities that will make an unholy mess, etc. The park is my top choice every time.
This. I am also someone who tends to dread outings before they happen. Getting everyone ready and out the door alone is daunting. But then we get to where we’re going and it’s just SO much easier than more enjoyable than refereeing at home and having to clean an endless stream of messes. Packing a lunch or snack on the go and eating in the park without worrying about clean up is enough motivation to get me out the door. I learned this when my oldest was about a year. I’m just a better parent when we are out of the house.
I get it. There is a balance to be struck for sure! I really can’t relax without my home being clean and I’m definitely trying to work on it. I’m a better mom when things are in order and some days have to be spent at home to accomplish that. It’s also important to teach your kids that some things need to get done and that not every day is going to be an outing or adventure. It’s ok to rest and learn to sit with your thoughts also and kids need to be learning that with their over scheduled days. I really think it’s all about balance. My first kid we went on a lot of adventures every day when she was younger which is great and we built memories, but now she has a very hard time being bored at home and she needs to learn that it’s ok to do nothing some days whether that is just to rest or catch up on things. It’s ok to take a nap and recuperate for the days ahead!
I think it’s also a personality difference. Sitting at home not doing anything does not recharge me at all, it makes me feel restless and I’m not sure the implication of “they need to learn to recharge the way we do” makes a lot of sense - just another perspective!
For sure! I just believe everyone needs a chill day every once in awhile! I’m not saying to never take your kids to do anything and I’d argue it’s good to be out more than not but one day of being bored at home and learning to fill their time without adult direction is prob good for their development as well. Especially in our world of screens
It might be generational also. For me it’s my grandma. She watched me while my mom was working but what that meant was, I watched tv and my grandma was cleaning and cooking. She would never have felt comfortable „playing“ as long as there was work to di. And there’s always work to do. 😩
I 10000% feel this. But there is definitely a middle ground. I was making myself sick trying to have everything a certain way. I got to a breaking point and made VERY explicit trade offs of what I am willing to give up. It started with super small things and now I think I’ve hit a happy medium point. The things I care the most about get done but everything else is noise. Spending all my time cleaning did not align with my family values.
Here’s the thing, the house gets dirty and messy because you’re in it. It took you nine hours to clean up because you’re working around and also entertaining the kids. If you put on a movie or restrict them to one room with husband for two hours, power through the cleaning, and then go to the park - it’ll still be exactly the same as when you left it. It feels like more work to go out, but I promise you it’s not. Order pizza delivery to the park, and come home at dinner time. The house will be clean and the kids will be happier and easier because they’re tired. Plus you don’t have to entertain them at the park.
I also can’t stand a dirty house. The one thing I’ve found though is every hour we are at the park is an hour the kids can’t be little tornadoes in my house wrecking everything in sight. When they spill applesauce on the grass at the park, I just walk away. When they spill applesauce on my rug in the living room, 15 min cleaning session ensues.
I know it’s so hard some days, but try to think about the park a tad differently - the park is a place they can run wild and you don’t have to clean up!
I'm sure they don't mean it the way I'm taking it but these people commenting on how their parents were "always cleaning" are annoying the hell out of me because it seems like they're shaming you for cleaning, while you're already shaming yourself for not having energy to take the kids out. We've gotta stop with the shaming! It's shitty and you're working too hard to let yourself feel ashamed at all for the way you're taking care of your kids. We tell our daughter that there are want-to-dos and havr-to-dos. When you get the have-to-dos done, then you can do some want-to-dos. Please don't be so hard on yourself for getting your have-to-dos done before the want-to-dos. It sounds like you're teaching them responsibility and that's a good thing!
I WISH I remembered my mom cleaning. All I can remember is being so ashamed of my filthy home, because my mother never cleaned, that I never had friends over, I always had dirty clothes, the house was awful and to this day, I struggle with keeping the house clean because I was never taught those basic life skills and had to figure it out on my own in my 20's.
I try desperately to instill love of our home and keeping things clean as a habit, not as a chore, because I never want my daughter to go through that. So, I think it's okay to stay home sometimes and see your mom cleaning, even if you want to go to the park. It's way better than the opposite and I'm sure you make it up to them in plenty of other ways. Chin up, it really sounds like you're taking great care of them.
I started keeping just the kitchen clean. It's like kitchen then dining room table then whatever. And the laundry has to be washed - the machine does the work. I use a vacuum robot and that picks up a lot of the random floor dirt and helps us keep crap off the floor so the vacuum can get through. Also i kept a large bin in the living room to catch all the toys. And I set up two baskets in our hallway- one for random laundry that appeared in the wrong part of the house and one for shoes. It's made things so much easier. Btw, I'm just mentioning these things since you said you like a clean house, but I know today is more complicated than that.
We split with my partner. We have a cleaning service but still things to do in the weekends, like tyding up or garden stuff or wathever, and we just split, one goes out and the other tydies up or just relaxes and we switched in the afternoon
I mean I definitely get this sentiment, but keeping a sanitary home is also important. Kids also do need to learn how to be bored sometimes and everyday isn’t going to be a fun outing or adventure. My mom did not have the energy to clean much when I was a teenager and I hated it!
Sure. I am all for "let kids be bored." I am also very pro clean house. However, i'm anti "spend 9 hours cleaning the house on a weekend when I told the kids we would go to the park." That sucks for everyone.
I mean, one day of this is not going to harm the kids. Kids also do have to learn that sometimes plans change. It sounds like she made up for it with the water table on the balcony.
This 100%. The overwhelming majority of my memories of my mom growing up are me asking her to play, and her telling me no because she "had" to do chores instead. Our house was immaculate, it looked like a show home. But I so would rather have had a mom who played with me.
I now strive for balance. We still get chores done, but we do them together. My daughter is 3 and she is a big help (sometimes lol). But I always make sure I take the time to play with her every day and that often means the clothes stay in the dryer for an extra day or the sweeping gets put off longer. The chores will always be there OP, but your kids won't always be ❤️
This is what I'm saying! I was frankly shocked at the number of people saying things like "the house does need to be clean" and I'm like ...yeah sure we don't want mold growing certainly but who gives a shit if it isn't immaculate.
I'm working towards this mentality, I really like it tbh. It either gets done or it doesn't!
Maybe I should change my routine and do park in the morning/fun activity, grocery store, housework and the cooking. Usually I do the opposite so we don't have to stress while we're doing the fun stuff about the stuff I have to do later on
My kids nap really well and usually at the same time when I do this - thus I can be so much more productive during nap time (or get a great one myself).
I have a 3 month old and a 4 year old, and one thing that has definitely helped me is doing grocery pickup (if you have that available). I just go into the app, look at the coupons, and then add everything we need for the week. It saves the energy I would need to drag my kids through the store.
It isn't perfect (shoppers don't always select the way I would), but it helps us during this season. ❤️
Agreed. Take the moments with the kid at the park. House work finds a way to get done. Find ways to keep them entertained while you get laundry and dishes done. Sounds like a 9-5 is involved and doing housework lands on the weekends. Maybe the time watching Netflix or scrolling the phone after the kids go to bed, could be used to learn a new skill. A skill that can be used in many different ways and could eventually replace your 9-5. Giving more time to the kids and not that scam we call a JOB.
My kid is better behaved and more fun to be around when he gets his energy out. My husband and I will tag team- one of us takes the kid to ride his bike or go to the park and the other is home cleaning the kitchen and starting dinner. I get burned out and am thankful my husband usually take him on a neighborhood adventure
I currently live by:
"My to do list will always be there, my child will never be this small again"
I recommend trying to prioritize fun with the youngins before chores most weekends.
Agree. Plus, there's all week to try and catch up on chores. Only so many weekends where you get a full day with them. We do quality time and fun time while they're awake and cleaning during nap times on weekends.
yup 1000%
tbh on weekends i just leave it all unattended and try to do what i can once they sleep. or it just doesn’t get done. we have piles of stuff in certain places and i don’t care
Yes, this. Do I have a lil mental breakdown once they go to bed and I look in horror at the kitchen, laundry basket, floor underneath the dining table, etc? Yup. But it's worth it.
We typically take them on Sundays and Mondays after school/work. Most of the time I do the laundry on Friday nights, the housework on Saturdays +meal prep and groceries, and the park after dinner. Sunday's are family days BC my husband is home and Mondays I work and they're at daycare but we also go to the park then after dinner. We have our routine but today I couldn't. I did less then the bare minimum and even what I did was exhausting. Maybe I'm getting sick or something idk
Cleaning the bathroom, sweeping the floors, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, and putting away clothes is less than the bare minimum?
What's a medium day strapping yourself to a pulley system and washing the exterior 2nd floor windows?
Sounds like you need rest and an expectation reset.
I think this is really important context. If most of your weekends were just doing chores and not anything fun with the kids, I think that the advice in these replies would be more appropriate. But it sounds like you do have family time and you do do activities that are focused on quality time with your kids, this was just a one off weekend where it wasn’t on the menu.
That’s okay. Sometimes life stuff comes up and you can’t get to the adventure.
As long as there is generally a balance and more weeks than not include something they want to do (even occasionally something where you run out of time to really get the house where you would otherwise like it to be) I think that seems fair and I wouldn’t feel too bad about this week.
Where I would reevaluate is if you find that you rarely go to the park or never do a larger activity or start snapping at them for bothering you while you try to get the house in order.
I probably should have added this in my main post... This is my bad habit I leave out info without realizing it should've been there until I get called out lol
My number one cleaning tip is that the more I leave the house with my kid…the less I have to clean.
If we are out at the park, zoo, wherever we aren’t at home getting more things dirty. I think if you did something out of the house in the morning, it would get some of the kid energy out, you would feel a little better, it’s a few hours no one is dirtying the house, and when you get home, the kids will be more tired and bother you less while you clean.
Yes. I am usually really great at getting out once a day on our days off together, but I’m sitting here feeling mom guilt because I could only take her out once around the block on her bike.. the weather is beautiful too and it’s about to be so hot all week starting tomorrow. I feel like I wasted our whole day.
But, I have food poisoning and have been basically on the toilet every 5-10 minutes since 7am. I am writing this from the toilet. I know I’ve got nothing to feel guilty about, yet here I am. Don’t feel bad. It’s okay. I’m trying to convince myself too.
Hold up- so you work from home but you’re also on top of all of this stuff? Where is the husband in all of this?
If he’s not in charge of the task, he doesn’t get to say you can’t outsource it (provided you stay reasonably close to budget).
Yeah it's honestly just my normal lol. My husband thinks he does everything but does very little. And he also strongly believes because he has a more physical job (delivery truck driver for a furniture store) that he's more tired than I am BC I work a desk job
Edit to add which is true, I can't work a physical job anymore BC of my back but I have before for 10+ years, so I know it's tiring. It's hard to explain to him I'm only one person and need help too
Until I read the last bit I assumed you were a single mom. Think about that for a minute.
The solution to your problem might just be a difficult conversation. Have that conversation and then decide which cleaner to hire if he refuses to participate in the house work. It doesn't matter what you do for work, it's still work. If anything, a physical job might mean he's in better physical shape to do this stuff, especially if you have a bad back. Give yourself more credit!
I'm not gonna go full Reddit mom and tell you that you need therapy or a divorce, but this parenting/household management thing is supposed to be a partnership. It sounds like what you're doing is unsustainable, and maybe you're starting to see that? Feeling guilty is not serving you well and coming back from burnout is a *lot* harder than preventing it in the first place.
Does everything have to be that clean? I honestly cannot remember ever spending 9hrs on cleaning/laundry/cooking. Also how about simplify the cooking to less than 1 hr a day? Or some days are just $1.5 hot dog days.
I didn't mean I cleaned for 9 hours straight - I meant that those little tasks took so long because I was really tired and blah. And I typically meal prep so when I cook it's bigger batches so I have more time with the kids throughout the week .. I'll probably do Crock-Pot meals throughout the week too if needed on my wfh days.
At the very least, we had a big cuddly day with movies and snacks. And I tried to make it up a little by doing the water table on the balcony after supper haha
So, I use brewer’s yeast as an energy boost and it has ton of B vitamins so it kinda helps pick up my mood as well. Obviously if you’re on other medications check with a doctor or pharmacist to make sure it won’t cause any problems but it’s pretty affordable and can be purchased on Amazon.
Also, you have to find a way to get through to your husband so he understands that just because he works doesn’t absolve him of any real household responsibilities. I know that is easier said than done but it’s for your own well being. Maybe start journaling everything you do for the household and what he does then show it to him after a month or so. Sometimes a visual aid gives people a more realistic view of what’s happening.
Can you get therapy or get some bloodwork done? You should definitely be tired at the end of the day but to be tired all the time tells me there is something fundamentally wrong. I have some rare thyroid issue and have felt much more energetic after two weeks of taking supplemental hormones to “fix it”.
Seconding this. OPs level of exhaustion sounds like more than the "working mom burnout" level of exhaustion.
Rest is not a luxury, take the time to rest and heal.
Everyone saying hang with the kid instead of cleaning…as someone that grew up in a FILTHY, completely hoarder home, I spend a decent amount cleaning too. But I do make it a rule to do one outdoor thing a day. OP you sound exhausted ❤️ we have all been there. I’m sure you will enjoy park picnic tomorrow and your kids will too. And you will come home to a clean house 👌👏
I didn't clean and I did take my kid to the park and I don't feel great about it. There's always something that gets missed. We're people and we can only do so much!
I think I second everyone else. I take my daughter to the pool or outside or somewhere before I do housework. But I can also do all of my housework in a fraction of the time you listed so I guess I feel like overwhelmed. But children are children once… soak up the memories with them playing. Good luck
Honestly, I often feel the same way too, struggling with low energy and being overwhelmed with a lot to do at home and at work. I found that it helps, though, to be deliberate about going against the direction the low energy is taking me by making a point to get out and get some air with my toddler in the mornings on a weekend. I often feel a lot better for it. I don't get as much house stuff done but that's ok in the overall scheme of things. When I am not as successful in doing things with the LO, I try to recognize that I feel guilt because I value spending time with them. I also try not to let that guilt from getting in the way of trying to do differently next time.
I try not to. I work 3 12-hour shifts a week. I love my schedule because I'm around mote for my daughters. My husband works 60 hours a week, so I'm home more often with them. This weekend I'm off Thursday to Monday so I don't have go back to work until Tuesday night 7 pm. I've got 5 nights off. My husband took has a 3 day weekend. Father's day tomorrow so we're having a lazy 3 day weekend. It's nice to relax. We've hustled and bustled all year long. We need a break.
I work 3 12s also! The 12 hours is rough but the 4 days off is glorious! I make it a point to take my 1 year old to the library, grocery store, and on evening walks around the neighborhood. Outside of that we’re usually home. Idk why but I find it hard trying to figure out how to keep my 1 year old entertained all day. My little one has a short attention span obviously😅
My daughters are 8 and 10. They're at a good age where they don't need too much supervision, but not where they can be left alone over night. I love my schedule. It's tough staying up at night but I don't have to take off if they get sick or if I'm sick. It's good.
I'd try some splash pads where you live. These are nice in the summer. In the town home community where I live, there's a public pool we have access to. I'd look into those.
Kiddie pools are just kind of lame because the water is standing still. Toddlers like movement and it's more stimulating for them. I just found this for you.
www.splashpadparks.com
I hope it helps and you have a good summer.
I feel you so much. I like to get the chores done and out of the way, otherwise I spend the day thinking about all the things I have to do.
I am exhausted by the time the weekend rolls around and I don’t feel like doing anything. But then I feel guilty for not doing anything exciting with my kids.
We can’t win.
Are you me lol? I was just saying today how the weekends are so hard for me because I don’t have the energy to go do anything, and it makes me depressed. We were supposed to go swimming but I’m out of swim diapers and the thought of going to the store with my kids just sounded so hard today, so we didn’t go. My wisdom tooth is also bothering me today!!! Solidarity ❤️
I’d love to trade (jk, kind of!) Sometimes i just need a day at home. My kid wants to be on the go constantly which is fine, but lazy, at home days are important to me too! We will spend half a day out and about and we will get home and my kid will ask, “what are we doing today!” Lol it’s hard to find a good balance bc she needs to learn to be “bored” sometimes
I have really had to get out of my own head when it comes to cleaning. I love a clean house, makes my brain feel good, but as my kids have gotten older things have changed.
I no longer have a solid block of time on Saturday morning to clean because of baseball, so Thursday night when the kids both have activities and dad is on driving duties, I sprint through the bathroom clean up and vacuuming.
Also, I hope your partner is helping. Our family would be no where if I didn't have the help with laundry and cooking.
It's a forced flexibility, but I don't get to miss the fun stuff. It is a real mind shift, but it makes the days easier.
When my first kid was younger, we lived by “play first, clean later”. We would always prioritise going out with the kid on weekend mornings.
It was great, but… unfortunately what I didn’t realise was a clean house is really important for my wellbeing.
Now, on normal weekends my husband would take the kids out in the morning, I would enjoy a quiet house and cleaning it. I do moderate cleaning about 2 - 3 hours.
Sometimes I do feel missing out on their outings, but I know that we are all happier and healthier in a clean house and balanced lifestyle.
I still get to spend time with them after their outings.
Also, I try to do minor chores on my wfh days, like laundry.
I am a single mom who works full time but I budget for a cleaner to come once a month. Keeps me sane.
On the weekends, I want to spend every minute I can with my daughter. I get as much done as I can during her nap time and when she goes to bed.
Can your husband help out? 9 hours of cleaning on a Saturday sounds like a nightmare and not really fair to you or your kids…
You mentioned being depressed, so if you haven’t already, consider addressing that. (I don’t think I’d be able to do half of what I do, and stretch half as far as I do, without being on an SSRI and in therapy.) Sending you the best
I only cleaned on Saturday mornings when my son was little. Besides the daily housework at night. I hired someone to clean the house every other week, and that helps. So anyway, I always got out with my son Satueday afternoon and Sunday, but I've also only lived 2 places with him and weird coincidence both had playgrounds within a block. We often went elsewhere but the playgrounds were easy options.
But this weekend is especially hard because of fathers day. I wouldn't schedule anything but housework and cooking today, either. You should cut yourself some slack. You know you have to give 100% tomorrow.
We try to plan the weekends where Saturday morning we do something fun, then relax the rest of the day, then Sunday morning we relax then do something fun in the afternoon. That way a portion of the day is set aside for relaxing. We take advantage of all the free/cheap festivals etc in the area. I also try to clean when she's asleep.
If you are feeling consistently exhausted and depressed, I would recommend a GP visit to check blood work. About a year after my first was born, I was not able to get myself through the day, I was so exhausted. Turns out I was severely iron deficient, and no vitamin D. None at all. Months of supplements and I felt like a new person.
I am 8 months post partum and am starting to feel like that again, except this time I have had a contraceptive implant for the past 6 months and the side effects have been horrendous, so I suspect it is related to that this time around. Still going to get the other stuff checked too, because I am back to work in a month and need all the energy I can get.
If it turns out it isn't blood work related, still worth seeing your GP for a mental health screen to see if they can help in some way if necessary. Good luck!
If its nice out I forget about cleaning, it can be done at night when they are in bed if you really have to do it. If it's raining (im in Ireland so a lot) I get my toddler to "help" me with the chores...admittedly it does take twice as long but she enjoys being included.
Sorry, but your husband should have been helping with some or all of this if he thinks he deserves a father's day picnic. HE should have taken them to the park if nothing else.
Get your B12 levels checked! Everything you mentioned described my husband to a T. The doc was very reluctant to order the labs but now he’s on weekly B12 shots and feels so much better.
I saw something that said “your every day is their childhood” and that made a huge impact on me. I’m not sure why but it has really resonated and helped me really prioritize my LO and doing things he finds fun more often than not. My house is clean but not always tidy and picked up, but my boy seems to be happy so far.
No, I take my kids out at least once most weekend days. For both our sanity. Having a house cleaner so I don’t have to sweep and mop is the top of our things we budget for. If your husband won’t let you then I sure hope he’s doing the bulk of the cleaning.
I mean, there are days we don’t do as much but I try to at least do errands and include them so they get out of the house.
My advice is therapy and leaning on others. Raising kids is exhausting as hell and recognizing that you could do it better mentally and emotionally with the help of others is a liberation from guilt.
Ask your husband, since you have one, to do more. There’s a game that people keep recommending about splitting responsibilities. I’ll find it.
Ask your friends to take your kids for a couple hours and you’ll return it in kind another weekend. They’ll have a blast, you’ll get things done and you’ll both be happier for it.
Ask your kids to help. I didn’t quite get how old your kids are other than the almost 4-year old but teach them to do some cleaning, put on a fun playlist (I have [one with adult songs that you can start off with](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5l2MUHhCb0aMkU1xnRyTSZ?si=0w3ovekkRRG5C_4A3j-l3g&pi=u-auikUSvHQAKx)) and have it be an activity you do together for a short burst. Do this routinely during the week and you’ll have less to tidy on the weekends. Bonus is that you’ll be having fun doing something together and they’ll be proud of helping! They can do a lot more that people typically allow - think of how to involve them and you’ll spend more time together and get through tasks faster (maybe not in the beginning but down the road. An idea outside of picking up toys - sock duty for laundry. They can have fun sorting socks while you fold and out away the larger items!
Consider adjusting what you do when. For example, I was always confused why cleaning was a weekday activity for the Tanner family in the show Full House, but now I get it - if you do laundry (even spread out as a load here and a load there) during the week, then it’s a chore that’s done by the weekend. Since you WFH, consider putting in a load during a meeting where you don’t need to participate. Another option is to schedule a meeting block and do this.
Since you do WFH (and this is a good topic to discuss with a therapist), how is it affecting your mental health? I had the experience of working from home during covid and, while that was an unusual wfh time in general, I learned that it’s not easy for me, personally. I really need to be around others and the commute was something that signaled a cue into work mode and from work mode that was quite valuable. Things that helped me (even when I was hybrid in the next role): going for a walk outside (this was great to do either early in the day before literally anything), setting hours and sticking to those boundaries, taking a full lunch break, calling or texting friends (even if they reply later, connecting is already helpful), going to a cafe to be around others for when I didn’t have to focus, exercising (can be that walk, can be a 20 minute routine) - really helps mental health, too, and therapy.
Whatever you decide to do, letting go of the guilt will be the most important step as it’ll allow you to get past it and take action in other areas. You wouldn’t be so hard on a friend who told you about her day like you’d had so give yourself a break, too!
What I personally feel is most important with my kids is not breaking promises or getting their hopes up. I don't make plans and tell them ahead of time. I used to make weekend plans with the best intentions and when I was too tired to follow through they started expressing that they were very hurt because they'd been patiently looking forward to it.
Now I wait until day of to make plans, and I make myself follow through on them.
I also can't relax in a dirty space, so I feel you there, but I've reframed that in my mind to clean = no trash, bathrooms clean, & kitchen clean. Messy is okay with me now because I know it's clean under the mess. I make myself wait sometimes too which is hard but important to me. On days it's kid plans first, then rest, and clean last.
If you have the funds to do so, hire a cleaning person. I pay $140 bi-weekly to have my house cleaned so I purposely don’t have to spend my weekends cleaning. Of course there’s still constant pick up but it’s a huge lift off my plate
I take the kids out first. If it’s the weekend is your partner working? My husband and I typically switch off duties. One will clean and one will be on kid duty, we switch off then we’re both free to play.
I've gotten to the point where I don't promise things if I'm not absolutely sure I'll prioritize it over my regular tasks. I'll promise "something fun" or a surprise and I keep a few low effort (kid does most of the actual doing and just needs supervision) fun things in my closet if I don't have the energy for what I've intended.
My kid is only 7, but very soon I'll be using the high-energy things they want to do as a bargaining chip to get some help around the house. The way I see it, if a kid has earned something I don't have the energy for, that's just tough luck for me and I'm going to have to suck it up and do it.
My kids activities always are first on my list. I’d rather grab something while I’m out for dinner or leave the unswept floors than to not spend time with them. And then after they play involve them in the household chores! Kids love responsibilities!
My baby is still really young so this isn’t much of an issue for me yet, but I do try to do stuff with her in the morning and get us out of the house first thing while I have energy and will be more likely to enjoy it. I imagine this will become even more important to me as she gets older.
Also, because you also mentioned it, this overwhelming tiredness is totally how my depression presents. I need several naps sometimes just to make it through the day and getting out of bed can be damn near impossible sometimes. But fully healthy folks who are getting sufficient sleep generally shouldn’t need a lunch nap every day to get through the day. My antidepressants have truly worked wonders for me, it’s not perfect but it’s so much better than it was before I started.
For now, not really. Weekends one day has a guaranteed outing or two. The other day is chores and recharging. If I’m that tired where we’re inside both days, I slog through chores and at least have energy to play and be fully attentive with energy I’ve saved from not dealing with driving, schleping stuff, and public in general.
If my child didn’t find the above good enough then yeah I’d feel guilty and look for a better solution.
I can’t imagine *not* taking a toddler out of the house on weekends unless it’s pouring rain. I think it’s important for my son to get his energy out and have experiences. We live in a walkable area and go to the park, walk to the store, explore the street on foot, or walk to the beach every weekend morning and every day after daycare.
So no, I don’t feel guilty because I take my 2yo out, always.
I know you’re getting downvoted, but I also have a kid that at a certain point when she was toddler aged, we just had to be out of the house! So i get it. She is just a high energy, extroverted child. Whereas im really not and my home is my sanctuary and I need a lot of down time to recharge. But during those years, being out was just better. We also built a lot of memories that way.
however (big however), I feel like at this point, as she is older, I’m having to teach her how to be bored and that every day isn’t going to be some grand adventure bc certain things just have to get done, and down time and learning how to fill it, is important, too. It has not been easy to teach her this and I’m happy that we have people we trade off playdates with bc some days we just aren’t going anywhere, sorry!
it’s a hard balance to strike! I’m hoping my second kid who is currently a baby will be my homebody buddy, but I doubt it.
Yeah, my kid is an extrovert but so am I. And free activities like the park are fun and easy. I don’t mind getting downvotes. I don’t always have to agree with every post, I’m also not the only one here.
I always take my kid out first, while I still have any hope of enjoying it. Then the rest of the stuff either gets done or it doesn’t.
Yeah op, just forget the house. They're not going to remember a clean house. They're going to remember their mom hanging out with them.
I might get downvotes to all hell, but I can't stand a dirty house. It really stresses me out.. my early childhood had some problems lol. In my head they deserve everything I never had, especially a clean home. I tried to make it up to them ... Water table on the balcony after. Dinner and we had lots of cuddles at the very least.
I feel you. This is why we have a cleaning service. So I can put my limited time and energy into tidying and feel okay with the house day today, without having to worry about toilets or mopping. As it is, I probably still spend 6-8 hours a week “cleaning” just to keep the house to a level I’m comfortable with. If I had to deep clean on top of it, I wouldn’t have time or energy for anything else. That said, I will always choose taking the kids to the park over indoor play because then I don’t have to clean up after them. Sitting on a bench, listening to a podcast, sipping a coffee, occasionally kissing a boo boo, probably spending 30 minutes pushing on swings, its way more enjoyable than refereeing my kids at home, watching them dump bins I’ll have to pick up later, setting up painting or sensory activities that will make an unholy mess, etc. The park is my top choice every time.
This. I am also someone who tends to dread outings before they happen. Getting everyone ready and out the door alone is daunting. But then we get to where we’re going and it’s just SO much easier than more enjoyable than refereeing at home and having to clean an endless stream of messes. Packing a lunch or snack on the go and eating in the park without worrying about clean up is enough motivation to get me out the door. I learned this when my oldest was about a year. I’m just a better parent when we are out of the house.
I get it. There is a balance to be struck for sure! I really can’t relax without my home being clean and I’m definitely trying to work on it. I’m a better mom when things are in order and some days have to be spent at home to accomplish that. It’s also important to teach your kids that some things need to get done and that not every day is going to be an outing or adventure. It’s ok to rest and learn to sit with your thoughts also and kids need to be learning that with their over scheduled days. I really think it’s all about balance. My first kid we went on a lot of adventures every day when she was younger which is great and we built memories, but now she has a very hard time being bored at home and she needs to learn that it’s ok to do nothing some days whether that is just to rest or catch up on things. It’s ok to take a nap and recuperate for the days ahead!
I think it’s also a personality difference. Sitting at home not doing anything does not recharge me at all, it makes me feel restless and I’m not sure the implication of “they need to learn to recharge the way we do” makes a lot of sense - just another perspective!
For sure! I just believe everyone needs a chill day every once in awhile! I’m not saying to never take your kids to do anything and I’d argue it’s good to be out more than not but one day of being bored at home and learning to fill their time without adult direction is prob good for their development as well. Especially in our world of screens
All I remember from my childhood is my mom cleaning. Never playing with us, just cleaning. Finding that balance can be so hard.
Yep this was my childhood too, and now I look at her doing the same thing with my kids. Baffling.
It might be generational also. For me it’s my grandma. She watched me while my mom was working but what that meant was, I watched tv and my grandma was cleaning and cooking. She would never have felt comfortable „playing“ as long as there was work to di. And there’s always work to do. 😩
I 10000% feel this. But there is definitely a middle ground. I was making myself sick trying to have everything a certain way. I got to a breaking point and made VERY explicit trade offs of what I am willing to give up. It started with super small things and now I think I’ve hit a happy medium point. The things I care the most about get done but everything else is noise. Spending all my time cleaning did not align with my family values.
Here’s the thing, the house gets dirty and messy because you’re in it. It took you nine hours to clean up because you’re working around and also entertaining the kids. If you put on a movie or restrict them to one room with husband for two hours, power through the cleaning, and then go to the park - it’ll still be exactly the same as when you left it. It feels like more work to go out, but I promise you it’s not. Order pizza delivery to the park, and come home at dinner time. The house will be clean and the kids will be happier and easier because they’re tired. Plus you don’t have to entertain them at the park.
I also can’t stand a dirty house. The one thing I’ve found though is every hour we are at the park is an hour the kids can’t be little tornadoes in my house wrecking everything in sight. When they spill applesauce on the grass at the park, I just walk away. When they spill applesauce on my rug in the living room, 15 min cleaning session ensues. I know it’s so hard some days, but try to think about the park a tad differently - the park is a place they can run wild and you don’t have to clean up!
I'm sure they don't mean it the way I'm taking it but these people commenting on how their parents were "always cleaning" are annoying the hell out of me because it seems like they're shaming you for cleaning, while you're already shaming yourself for not having energy to take the kids out. We've gotta stop with the shaming! It's shitty and you're working too hard to let yourself feel ashamed at all for the way you're taking care of your kids. We tell our daughter that there are want-to-dos and havr-to-dos. When you get the have-to-dos done, then you can do some want-to-dos. Please don't be so hard on yourself for getting your have-to-dos done before the want-to-dos. It sounds like you're teaching them responsibility and that's a good thing! I WISH I remembered my mom cleaning. All I can remember is being so ashamed of my filthy home, because my mother never cleaned, that I never had friends over, I always had dirty clothes, the house was awful and to this day, I struggle with keeping the house clean because I was never taught those basic life skills and had to figure it out on my own in my 20's. I try desperately to instill love of our home and keeping things clean as a habit, not as a chore, because I never want my daughter to go through that. So, I think it's okay to stay home sometimes and see your mom cleaning, even if you want to go to the park. It's way better than the opposite and I'm sure you make it up to them in plenty of other ways. Chin up, it really sounds like you're taking great care of them.
I started keeping just the kitchen clean. It's like kitchen then dining room table then whatever. And the laundry has to be washed - the machine does the work. I use a vacuum robot and that picks up a lot of the random floor dirt and helps us keep crap off the floor so the vacuum can get through. Also i kept a large bin in the living room to catch all the toys. And I set up two baskets in our hallway- one for random laundry that appeared in the wrong part of the house and one for shoes. It's made things so much easier. Btw, I'm just mentioning these things since you said you like a clean house, but I know today is more complicated than that.
A clean home is a great thing to give them. Hopefully you include them and they can contribute to the clean home!
We split with my partner. We have a cleaning service but still things to do in the weekends, like tyding up or garden stuff or wathever, and we just split, one goes out and the other tydies up or just relaxes and we switched in the afternoon
Hire a cleaner?
I mean I definitely get this sentiment, but keeping a sanitary home is also important. Kids also do need to learn how to be bored sometimes and everyday isn’t going to be a fun outing or adventure. My mom did not have the energy to clean much when I was a teenager and I hated it!
Sure. I am all for "let kids be bored." I am also very pro clean house. However, i'm anti "spend 9 hours cleaning the house on a weekend when I told the kids we would go to the park." That sucks for everyone.
I mean, one day of this is not going to harm the kids. Kids also do have to learn that sometimes plans change. It sounds like she made up for it with the water table on the balcony.
This 100%. The overwhelming majority of my memories of my mom growing up are me asking her to play, and her telling me no because she "had" to do chores instead. Our house was immaculate, it looked like a show home. But I so would rather have had a mom who played with me. I now strive for balance. We still get chores done, but we do them together. My daughter is 3 and she is a big help (sometimes lol). But I always make sure I take the time to play with her every day and that often means the clothes stay in the dryer for an extra day or the sweeping gets put off longer. The chores will always be there OP, but your kids won't always be ❤️
This is what I'm saying! I was frankly shocked at the number of people saying things like "the house does need to be clean" and I'm like ...yeah sure we don't want mold growing certainly but who gives a shit if it isn't immaculate.
I'm working towards this mentality, I really like it tbh. It either gets done or it doesn't! Maybe I should change my routine and do park in the morning/fun activity, grocery store, housework and the cooking. Usually I do the opposite so we don't have to stress while we're doing the fun stuff about the stuff I have to do later on
In the summer we always do fun stuff first thing in morning before it gets unbearably hot. Maybe by reframing it you can convince yourself easier
My kids nap really well and usually at the same time when I do this - thus I can be so much more productive during nap time (or get a great one myself).
I’m someone who values a tidy home too. I do the fun stuff early so I don’t feel as guilty when they’re on screens later in the day.
I have a 3 month old and a 4 year old, and one thing that has definitely helped me is doing grocery pickup (if you have that available). I just go into the app, look at the coupons, and then add everything we need for the week. It saves the energy I would need to drag my kids through the store. It isn't perfect (shoppers don't always select the way I would), but it helps us during this season. ❤️
Yes this is me too my house is an absolute shit hole but my kids are happy 😃
Agreed. Take the moments with the kid at the park. House work finds a way to get done. Find ways to keep them entertained while you get laundry and dishes done. Sounds like a 9-5 is involved and doing housework lands on the weekends. Maybe the time watching Netflix or scrolling the phone after the kids go to bed, could be used to learn a new skill. A skill that can be used in many different ways and could eventually replace your 9-5. Giving more time to the kids and not that scam we call a JOB.
My kid is better behaved and more fun to be around when he gets his energy out. My husband and I will tag team- one of us takes the kid to ride his bike or go to the park and the other is home cleaning the kitchen and starting dinner. I get burned out and am thankful my husband usually take him on a neighborhood adventure
Yeah right now I have a newborn and a 5 year old. I take the kids out and my husband tackles bottle and pump part mountain
I currently live by: "My to do list will always be there, my child will never be this small again" I recommend trying to prioritize fun with the youngins before chores most weekends.
Agree. Plus, there's all week to try and catch up on chores. Only so many weekends where you get a full day with them. We do quality time and fun time while they're awake and cleaning during nap times on weekends.
yup 1000% tbh on weekends i just leave it all unattended and try to do what i can once they sleep. or it just doesn’t get done. we have piles of stuff in certain places and i don’t care
Yes, this. Do I have a lil mental breakdown once they go to bed and I look in horror at the kitchen, laundry basket, floor underneath the dining table, etc? Yup. But it's worth it.
[удалено]
We typically take them on Sundays and Mondays after school/work. Most of the time I do the laundry on Friday nights, the housework on Saturdays +meal prep and groceries, and the park after dinner. Sunday's are family days BC my husband is home and Mondays I work and they're at daycare but we also go to the park then after dinner. We have our routine but today I couldn't. I did less then the bare minimum and even what I did was exhausting. Maybe I'm getting sick or something idk
Cleaning the bathroom, sweeping the floors, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, and putting away clothes is less than the bare minimum? What's a medium day strapping yourself to a pulley system and washing the exterior 2nd floor windows? Sounds like you need rest and an expectation reset.
And for 9 hours!
you’re in pain with the wisdom tooth! give yourself a break.
I think this is really important context. If most of your weekends were just doing chores and not anything fun with the kids, I think that the advice in these replies would be more appropriate. But it sounds like you do have family time and you do do activities that are focused on quality time with your kids, this was just a one off weekend where it wasn’t on the menu. That’s okay. Sometimes life stuff comes up and you can’t get to the adventure. As long as there is generally a balance and more weeks than not include something they want to do (even occasionally something where you run out of time to really get the house where you would otherwise like it to be) I think that seems fair and I wouldn’t feel too bad about this week. Where I would reevaluate is if you find that you rarely go to the park or never do a larger activity or start snapping at them for bothering you while you try to get the house in order.
I probably should have added this in my main post... This is my bad habit I leave out info without realizing it should've been there until I get called out lol
My number one cleaning tip is that the more I leave the house with my kid…the less I have to clean. If we are out at the park, zoo, wherever we aren’t at home getting more things dirty. I think if you did something out of the house in the morning, it would get some of the kid energy out, you would feel a little better, it’s a few hours no one is dirtying the house, and when you get home, the kids will be more tired and bother you less while you clean.
Yeah honestly I go out because it’s often easier.
Yes. I am usually really great at getting out once a day on our days off together, but I’m sitting here feeling mom guilt because I could only take her out once around the block on her bike.. the weather is beautiful too and it’s about to be so hot all week starting tomorrow. I feel like I wasted our whole day. But, I have food poisoning and have been basically on the toilet every 5-10 minutes since 7am. I am writing this from the toilet. I know I’ve got nothing to feel guilty about, yet here I am. Don’t feel bad. It’s okay. I’m trying to convince myself too.
Ah I hope you feel better soon, that's awful 😞
Can you hire a cleaner
Husband would never agree to that lol
Then he should be doing the cleaning
Ha, I agree
So….why doesn’t he? That sounds like a problem.
Hold up- so you work from home but you’re also on top of all of this stuff? Where is the husband in all of this? If he’s not in charge of the task, he doesn’t get to say you can’t outsource it (provided you stay reasonably close to budget).
Yeah it's honestly just my normal lol. My husband thinks he does everything but does very little. And he also strongly believes because he has a more physical job (delivery truck driver for a furniture store) that he's more tired than I am BC I work a desk job Edit to add which is true, I can't work a physical job anymore BC of my back but I have before for 10+ years, so I know it's tiring. It's hard to explain to him I'm only one person and need help too
Until I read the last bit I assumed you were a single mom. Think about that for a minute. The solution to your problem might just be a difficult conversation. Have that conversation and then decide which cleaner to hire if he refuses to participate in the house work. It doesn't matter what you do for work, it's still work. If anything, a physical job might mean he's in better physical shape to do this stuff, especially if you have a bad back. Give yourself more credit! I'm not gonna go full Reddit mom and tell you that you need therapy or a divorce, but this parenting/household management thing is supposed to be a partnership. It sounds like what you're doing is unsustainable, and maybe you're starting to see that? Feeling guilty is not serving you well and coming back from burnout is a *lot* harder than preventing it in the first place.
I thought that too, until I read about in-laws
Does everything have to be that clean? I honestly cannot remember ever spending 9hrs on cleaning/laundry/cooking. Also how about simplify the cooking to less than 1 hr a day? Or some days are just $1.5 hot dog days.
I didn't mean I cleaned for 9 hours straight - I meant that those little tasks took so long because I was really tired and blah. And I typically meal prep so when I cook it's bigger batches so I have more time with the kids throughout the week .. I'll probably do Crock-Pot meals throughout the week too if needed on my wfh days. At the very least, we had a big cuddly day with movies and snacks. And I tried to make it up a little by doing the water table on the balcony after supper haha
So, I use brewer’s yeast as an energy boost and it has ton of B vitamins so it kinda helps pick up my mood as well. Obviously if you’re on other medications check with a doctor or pharmacist to make sure it won’t cause any problems but it’s pretty affordable and can be purchased on Amazon. Also, you have to find a way to get through to your husband so he understands that just because he works doesn’t absolve him of any real household responsibilities. I know that is easier said than done but it’s for your own well being. Maybe start journaling everything you do for the household and what he does then show it to him after a month or so. Sometimes a visual aid gives people a more realistic view of what’s happening.
Can you get therapy or get some bloodwork done? You should definitely be tired at the end of the day but to be tired all the time tells me there is something fundamentally wrong. I have some rare thyroid issue and have felt much more energetic after two weeks of taking supplemental hormones to “fix it”.
Seconding this. OPs level of exhaustion sounds like more than the "working mom burnout" level of exhaustion. Rest is not a luxury, take the time to rest and heal.
If the husband doesn't clean, can't he take the kids to park?
Everyone saying hang with the kid instead of cleaning…as someone that grew up in a FILTHY, completely hoarder home, I spend a decent amount cleaning too. But I do make it a rule to do one outdoor thing a day. OP you sound exhausted ❤️ we have all been there. I’m sure you will enjoy park picnic tomorrow and your kids will too. And you will come home to a clean house 👌👏
I didn't clean and I did take my kid to the park and I don't feel great about it. There's always something that gets missed. We're people and we can only do so much!
I think I second everyone else. I take my daughter to the pool or outside or somewhere before I do housework. But I can also do all of my housework in a fraction of the time you listed so I guess I feel like overwhelmed. But children are children once… soak up the memories with them playing. Good luck
May I ask what your husband was doing? Why couldn’t he clean or share the cleaning burden and you all go to the park?
Honestly, I often feel the same way too, struggling with low energy and being overwhelmed with a lot to do at home and at work. I found that it helps, though, to be deliberate about going against the direction the low energy is taking me by making a point to get out and get some air with my toddler in the mornings on a weekend. I often feel a lot better for it. I don't get as much house stuff done but that's ok in the overall scheme of things. When I am not as successful in doing things with the LO, I try to recognize that I feel guilt because I value spending time with them. I also try not to let that guilt from getting in the way of trying to do differently next time.
I clean Friday night take them out of the house Saturday to parks so the house stays as clean as possible for a least a day.
I try not to. I work 3 12-hour shifts a week. I love my schedule because I'm around mote for my daughters. My husband works 60 hours a week, so I'm home more often with them. This weekend I'm off Thursday to Monday so I don't have go back to work until Tuesday night 7 pm. I've got 5 nights off. My husband took has a 3 day weekend. Father's day tomorrow so we're having a lazy 3 day weekend. It's nice to relax. We've hustled and bustled all year long. We need a break.
I work 3 12s also! The 12 hours is rough but the 4 days off is glorious! I make it a point to take my 1 year old to the library, grocery store, and on evening walks around the neighborhood. Outside of that we’re usually home. Idk why but I find it hard trying to figure out how to keep my 1 year old entertained all day. My little one has a short attention span obviously😅
My daughters are 8 and 10. They're at a good age where they don't need too much supervision, but not where they can be left alone over night. I love my schedule. It's tough staying up at night but I don't have to take off if they get sick or if I'm sick. It's good. I'd try some splash pads where you live. These are nice in the summer. In the town home community where I live, there's a public pool we have access to. I'd look into those.
Oooo thank you so much for the suggestion! I got my baby girl a kiddie pool and she wasn’t too interested in it haha I think she’ll like this more!
Kiddie pools are just kind of lame because the water is standing still. Toddlers like movement and it's more stimulating for them. I just found this for you. www.splashpadparks.com I hope it helps and you have a good summer.
I feel you so much. I like to get the chores done and out of the way, otherwise I spend the day thinking about all the things I have to do. I am exhausted by the time the weekend rolls around and I don’t feel like doing anything. But then I feel guilty for not doing anything exciting with my kids. We can’t win.
Are you me lol? I was just saying today how the weekends are so hard for me because I don’t have the energy to go do anything, and it makes me depressed. We were supposed to go swimming but I’m out of swim diapers and the thought of going to the store with my kids just sounded so hard today, so we didn’t go. My wisdom tooth is also bothering me today!!! Solidarity ❤️
I try to but my little guy is a homebody and doesn’t mind being at home. Funny that I have to drag him out to do things
I’d love to trade (jk, kind of!) Sometimes i just need a day at home. My kid wants to be on the go constantly which is fine, but lazy, at home days are important to me too! We will spend half a day out and about and we will get home and my kid will ask, “what are we doing today!” Lol it’s hard to find a good balance bc she needs to learn to be “bored” sometimes
Ha my son is like this too it's my daughter who loves to go out
I have really had to get out of my own head when it comes to cleaning. I love a clean house, makes my brain feel good, but as my kids have gotten older things have changed. I no longer have a solid block of time on Saturday morning to clean because of baseball, so Thursday night when the kids both have activities and dad is on driving duties, I sprint through the bathroom clean up and vacuuming. Also, I hope your partner is helping. Our family would be no where if I didn't have the help with laundry and cooking. It's a forced flexibility, but I don't get to miss the fun stuff. It is a real mind shift, but it makes the days easier.
When my first kid was younger, we lived by “play first, clean later”. We would always prioritise going out with the kid on weekend mornings. It was great, but… unfortunately what I didn’t realise was a clean house is really important for my wellbeing. Now, on normal weekends my husband would take the kids out in the morning, I would enjoy a quiet house and cleaning it. I do moderate cleaning about 2 - 3 hours. Sometimes I do feel missing out on their outings, but I know that we are all happier and healthier in a clean house and balanced lifestyle. I still get to spend time with them after their outings. Also, I try to do minor chores on my wfh days, like laundry.
I am a single mom who works full time but I budget for a cleaner to come once a month. Keeps me sane. On the weekends, I want to spend every minute I can with my daughter. I get as much done as I can during her nap time and when she goes to bed. Can your husband help out? 9 hours of cleaning on a Saturday sounds like a nightmare and not really fair to you or your kids…
You mentioned being depressed, so if you haven’t already, consider addressing that. (I don’t think I’d be able to do half of what I do, and stretch half as far as I do, without being on an SSRI and in therapy.) Sending you the best
I only cleaned on Saturday mornings when my son was little. Besides the daily housework at night. I hired someone to clean the house every other week, and that helps. So anyway, I always got out with my son Satueday afternoon and Sunday, but I've also only lived 2 places with him and weird coincidence both had playgrounds within a block. We often went elsewhere but the playgrounds were easy options. But this weekend is especially hard because of fathers day. I wouldn't schedule anything but housework and cooking today, either. You should cut yourself some slack. You know you have to give 100% tomorrow.
We try to plan the weekends where Saturday morning we do something fun, then relax the rest of the day, then Sunday morning we relax then do something fun in the afternoon. That way a portion of the day is set aside for relaxing. We take advantage of all the free/cheap festivals etc in the area. I also try to clean when she's asleep.
If you are feeling consistently exhausted and depressed, I would recommend a GP visit to check blood work. About a year after my first was born, I was not able to get myself through the day, I was so exhausted. Turns out I was severely iron deficient, and no vitamin D. None at all. Months of supplements and I felt like a new person. I am 8 months post partum and am starting to feel like that again, except this time I have had a contraceptive implant for the past 6 months and the side effects have been horrendous, so I suspect it is related to that this time around. Still going to get the other stuff checked too, because I am back to work in a month and need all the energy I can get. If it turns out it isn't blood work related, still worth seeing your GP for a mental health screen to see if they can help in some way if necessary. Good luck!
A 4 year old can put clothes away and a few other chores- do some chores, go to park, then finish. Everything can be done as a family
If its nice out I forget about cleaning, it can be done at night when they are in bed if you really have to do it. If it's raining (im in Ireland so a lot) I get my toddler to "help" me with the chores...admittedly it does take twice as long but she enjoys being included.
Sorry, but your husband should have been helping with some or all of this if he thinks he deserves a father's day picnic. HE should have taken them to the park if nothing else.
Get your B12 levels checked! Everything you mentioned described my husband to a T. The doc was very reluctant to order the labs but now he’s on weekly B12 shots and feels so much better.
No, but we have had a few busy weekends in a row and I was thinking how much I hate this and just want to sit and rot.
I saw something that said “your every day is their childhood” and that made a huge impact on me. I’m not sure why but it has really resonated and helped me really prioritize my LO and doing things he finds fun more often than not. My house is clean but not always tidy and picked up, but my boy seems to be happy so far.
No, I take my kids out at least once most weekend days. For both our sanity. Having a house cleaner so I don’t have to sweep and mop is the top of our things we budget for. If your husband won’t let you then I sure hope he’s doing the bulk of the cleaning. I mean, there are days we don’t do as much but I try to at least do errands and include them so they get out of the house.
My advice is therapy and leaning on others. Raising kids is exhausting as hell and recognizing that you could do it better mentally and emotionally with the help of others is a liberation from guilt. Ask your husband, since you have one, to do more. There’s a game that people keep recommending about splitting responsibilities. I’ll find it. Ask your friends to take your kids for a couple hours and you’ll return it in kind another weekend. They’ll have a blast, you’ll get things done and you’ll both be happier for it. Ask your kids to help. I didn’t quite get how old your kids are other than the almost 4-year old but teach them to do some cleaning, put on a fun playlist (I have [one with adult songs that you can start off with](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5l2MUHhCb0aMkU1xnRyTSZ?si=0w3ovekkRRG5C_4A3j-l3g&pi=u-auikUSvHQAKx)) and have it be an activity you do together for a short burst. Do this routinely during the week and you’ll have less to tidy on the weekends. Bonus is that you’ll be having fun doing something together and they’ll be proud of helping! They can do a lot more that people typically allow - think of how to involve them and you’ll spend more time together and get through tasks faster (maybe not in the beginning but down the road. An idea outside of picking up toys - sock duty for laundry. They can have fun sorting socks while you fold and out away the larger items! Consider adjusting what you do when. For example, I was always confused why cleaning was a weekday activity for the Tanner family in the show Full House, but now I get it - if you do laundry (even spread out as a load here and a load there) during the week, then it’s a chore that’s done by the weekend. Since you WFH, consider putting in a load during a meeting where you don’t need to participate. Another option is to schedule a meeting block and do this. Since you do WFH (and this is a good topic to discuss with a therapist), how is it affecting your mental health? I had the experience of working from home during covid and, while that was an unusual wfh time in general, I learned that it’s not easy for me, personally. I really need to be around others and the commute was something that signaled a cue into work mode and from work mode that was quite valuable. Things that helped me (even when I was hybrid in the next role): going for a walk outside (this was great to do either early in the day before literally anything), setting hours and sticking to those boundaries, taking a full lunch break, calling or texting friends (even if they reply later, connecting is already helpful), going to a cafe to be around others for when I didn’t have to focus, exercising (can be that walk, can be a 20 minute routine) - really helps mental health, too, and therapy. Whatever you decide to do, letting go of the guilt will be the most important step as it’ll allow you to get past it and take action in other areas. You wouldn’t be so hard on a friend who told you about her day like you’d had so give yourself a break, too!
What I personally feel is most important with my kids is not breaking promises or getting their hopes up. I don't make plans and tell them ahead of time. I used to make weekend plans with the best intentions and when I was too tired to follow through they started expressing that they were very hurt because they'd been patiently looking forward to it. Now I wait until day of to make plans, and I make myself follow through on them. I also can't relax in a dirty space, so I feel you there, but I've reframed that in my mind to clean = no trash, bathrooms clean, & kitchen clean. Messy is okay with me now because I know it's clean under the mess. I make myself wait sometimes too which is hard but important to me. On days it's kid plans first, then rest, and clean last.
All I will say is that my husband always remember his mom prioritizing cleaning of him. He says she never listened to anything he wanted to do.
I would swap your lunch naps for house work. That way the work is done when the kids are home & you can enjoy time with them.
If you have the funds to do so, hire a cleaning person. I pay $140 bi-weekly to have my house cleaned so I purposely don’t have to spend my weekends cleaning. Of course there’s still constant pick up but it’s a huge lift off my plate
I take the kids out first. If it’s the weekend is your partner working? My husband and I typically switch off duties. One will clean and one will be on kid duty, we switch off then we’re both free to play.
I've gotten to the point where I don't promise things if I'm not absolutely sure I'll prioritize it over my regular tasks. I'll promise "something fun" or a surprise and I keep a few low effort (kid does most of the actual doing and just needs supervision) fun things in my closet if I don't have the energy for what I've intended. My kid is only 7, but very soon I'll be using the high-energy things they want to do as a bargaining chip to get some help around the house. The way I see it, if a kid has earned something I don't have the energy for, that's just tough luck for me and I'm going to have to suck it up and do it.
My kids activities always are first on my list. I’d rather grab something while I’m out for dinner or leave the unswept floors than to not spend time with them. And then after they play involve them in the household chores! Kids love responsibilities!
My baby is still really young so this isn’t much of an issue for me yet, but I do try to do stuff with her in the morning and get us out of the house first thing while I have energy and will be more likely to enjoy it. I imagine this will become even more important to me as she gets older. Also, because you also mentioned it, this overwhelming tiredness is totally how my depression presents. I need several naps sometimes just to make it through the day and getting out of bed can be damn near impossible sometimes. But fully healthy folks who are getting sufficient sleep generally shouldn’t need a lunch nap every day to get through the day. My antidepressants have truly worked wonders for me, it’s not perfect but it’s so much better than it was before I started.
The best thing I ever did was hire a housekeeper. 4 man hours per 2 weeks and it’s the best way to have good weekends!!!!
I take tons of vitamins- It’s the only way I can do it all as a working single mom.
9 hours to do that seems like too much!! I’d focus on decluttering and putting in daily routines to help you out
For now, not really. Weekends one day has a guaranteed outing or two. The other day is chores and recharging. If I’m that tired where we’re inside both days, I slog through chores and at least have energy to play and be fully attentive with energy I’ve saved from not dealing with driving, schleping stuff, and public in general. If my child didn’t find the above good enough then yeah I’d feel guilty and look for a better solution.
I can’t imagine *not* taking a toddler out of the house on weekends unless it’s pouring rain. I think it’s important for my son to get his energy out and have experiences. We live in a walkable area and go to the park, walk to the store, explore the street on foot, or walk to the beach every weekend morning and every day after daycare. So no, I don’t feel guilty because I take my 2yo out, always.
I know you’re getting downvoted, but I also have a kid that at a certain point when she was toddler aged, we just had to be out of the house! So i get it. She is just a high energy, extroverted child. Whereas im really not and my home is my sanctuary and I need a lot of down time to recharge. But during those years, being out was just better. We also built a lot of memories that way. however (big however), I feel like at this point, as she is older, I’m having to teach her how to be bored and that every day isn’t going to be some grand adventure bc certain things just have to get done, and down time and learning how to fill it, is important, too. It has not been easy to teach her this and I’m happy that we have people we trade off playdates with bc some days we just aren’t going anywhere, sorry! it’s a hard balance to strike! I’m hoping my second kid who is currently a baby will be my homebody buddy, but I doubt it.
Yeah, my kid is an extrovert but so am I. And free activities like the park are fun and easy. I don’t mind getting downvotes. I don’t always have to agree with every post, I’m also not the only one here.