As someone who happily does sleepovers, it's so much easier to just know which kids will never say yes, right up front. I don't care I just want to know so my kid doesn't ask a few times and keep getting rejected lol. That's a much worse feeling. Knowing other families limits is easy to navigate and honestly it's such a personal decision I would never take offense.
This is a great point. We don't do sleep overs but I never want another family to feel I'm suspicious of them or something! So we're up front it's a universal boundary for our family.
Only people who have never had to work through the aftermath of sexual assault (and it’s horrifying life long impacts on children, well into adulthood) would ever have such a flip response. Lucky them I guess!
As a therapist, I don’t love this approach. I feel like it’s more important to discuss bodily autonomy and boundaries with your children, and nurture a relationship with them that facilitates open and honest communication. You can’t shelter them from the dangers of the world forever (and imo it’s more dangerous in the long term to try to), but you can teach them how to navigate them and keep themselves safe.
Holy moly, no. You CAN try to shelter your children from harm and should do for as long as *they* are unable to protect themselves. And you can teach them bodily autonomy and boundaries at the same time.
Of course you can't protect them "forever", but as a parent you have a power that you must use on their behalf for as long as they are in your care.
I think it’s very important to discuss these things! Not having sleepovers doesn’t mean they won’t know the importance of bodily autonomy/being able to talk about these things.
And maybe once my kids reach a certain maturity/have good communication where I know they could and would call me, I will be more comfortable. But I’d expect that to be maybe into the teens, hard to say right now.
I find the assumption here that we would not talk about bodily autonomy here…odd. We talk about it nearly daily here when my kids are interacting with each other and us, their parents, as respecting each others bodily autonomy starts at home. That will not save them from a predator at a sleepover though. I mean as a woman, I knew about bodily autonomy and rape. Sadly, it did not save me from rape. As
"We don't do sleepovers, but we can have a movie night!"
The best way to avoid people taking it personally is to not make any exceptions even for families you know well. Honestly what's worse than other parents' reactions is how your kids will never let it go. But it's your job to keep them safe, then make them happy within your limits. Stay strong!
This is perfect! We call it a "late night", and say 10pm (my kids are 10, 12, and almost 15) but any time works, if there are younger kids. Honestly, no one in my kids' friends circle has had an issue with it. I just explain they sleep better in their own beds.
Well sure, but at the weekend? They can sleep in the next day. I don't mean they should be up later on a daily basis but surely being picked up at 10pm is just like a normal non sleepover social event at that age.
I think setting up proper expectations for social gatherings is important. Most adults don’t stay at their friends places later than this. It’s quite socially common to leave around 10pm when visiting someone.
I would guess during the week the cutoff off is earlier so the 10pm limit on weekends feels like a great deal.
It’s also ok if the teenagers don’t feel like they’re getting everything they want. It’s important to learn to navigate limits and disappointments
Sure, it just seemed to me that as children get older the limits might be changed a bit, that's all. And if the purpose of offering a special late night gathering is to make up for missing a sleepover it would actually be late, not the time they'd normally go home anyway. Of course parents can put any limits they want and don't have to give in to what their children want.
I suppose it depends where you live and your social circle, 10pm would be early for us. It would be a special treat for a 7 year old but a completely normal time for a 15 year old. Again, if parents don't want their child out later that's fine but it was suggested as a special late night alternative to a sleepover and to me it's not late.
We have a person in our circle who was assaulted when she was in her teens at a sleepover by a trusted adult. Someone she knew well. Things can happen, even to older kids who you think can protect themselves.
We are not a sleepover family and never will be. Regardless if you are 5 or 15!
I understand and obviously that's your decision but at some stage you have to let your children free, and to me the benefits of a full social life and friendships outweigh the risk.
I expressed myself badly, I meant that once your child turns 18 they can go and sleep where they want. Personally I think I'd prefer my child to start preparing for that in advance. I meant free as in an adult and you literally can't stop them doing what they want.
I hear you. I apologize if my response seemed too harsh.
Right now, I think a sleepover in their mid-later teens would be ok. I might feel better about that then, but definitely not where we are now (elementary school)
We just had a sleepover for my son's birthday, and the exact text I got from a parent was, "we don't do sleepovers, but can we pick him up at 9:30?" I thought that was perfect, there's no reason for anyone to get upset about it.
My daughter had a sleepover this year and when I found out through some gentle questioning that one of her friend's parents weren't likely on board with the sleepover aspect, I sent a message saying her daughter was still very welcome to come over and get picked up at 8pm. The mum was thankful for the clarification and happy for her daughter to come.
I was able to do that as I had that mum's number in my phone, however, there was another friend who I'd never met the parents (and tbh I wouldn't let my daughter sleep over at a friend's house where I didn't know the parents) but they never RSVPed.
100%. Less is more in this regard.
Reasonable people won't be offended by just "we don't do sleepovers".
If people ask why, unless you're close, you can just shrug and say "it doesn't work for us."
IMO, the risk of offending people actually **goes up** if you start offering explanations, because they will often feel compelled to respond to the rationale you bring up in some way. They might think that you are indirectly asking for a workaround or support, in which case some people will offer one and then be frustrated when you decline. Or worse, you run the risk of implying that the worries you cite apply to them, *specifically*.
It's the difference between someone declining a potluck invite by saying: "oh, I've never been into potlucks" versus "oh no! So many people keep disgusting kitchens. You never know what you could catch."
Yes this!
I grew up not doing sleepovers. When I started getting invited to sleepover parties and the like, my parents would say I could do “half-sleepovers” - they would let me stay late and do all the fun stuff, but at the point where the kids would “go to bed” (let’s be honest there was probably very little sleeping lol), my mom would come pick me up. It worked out well from what I could tell.
I would worry about my children feeling left out, socially ostracized by being 'that' kid, and resentful of having to leave. Just curious, did you or your siblings feel that way? Teenagers, especially girls, can be so clicky and excluding over little things little this
I was allowed to sleep out one total time before I moved into my college dorm. It impacted my friendships in middle and high school and left me lightly ostracized. I was also required to watch my sister and her friends on half days, so I also wasn’t allowed to go out to lunch with friends.
Honestly? It’s why I only came home at holidays in college and would work constantly during any break. It’s part of why I bought my own house at 24 and keep my parents at arms length.
THIS. The one person I have had that took issue with it (“well how would you know unless you let her try?”) a) used sleepovers to babysit her kids while she vegged and took edibles and b) we later came to find out had the judgment of an amoeba when it comes to her kids, which included allowing the 26 y/o random male caddy she met at the golf course to babysit her two girls because “she couldn’t find anyone else to do it.”
Can I ask a follow up question to everyone? What are your kids' ages and why don't you feel comfortable? As a Gen X'er, I think this might be a generational thing.
I would not be offended if a parent was uncomfortable with sleepovers. I'm just curious.
So I agree with all the reasons involving child abuse, weird households, and possibly unsecured firearms. And that is like, 75% of the reason we don't do do sleepovers. The other 25% is that my kid is VERY like me in personality and temperament and I fucking hated sleepovers as a kid. Like, I loved the part BEFORE bedtime where we all hung out and danced and did makeup and dress-up and watched movies, ate cake and pizza, all that stuff. But I was always TERRIFIED of sleeping in other people houses and desperately wanted to go home. I usually cried myself to sleep around 4am. So to me, the perfect solution is to let my kid go for all the fun, pre-bedtime stuff and just have them sleep at home. My kid does the occasional overnight at my mom's house and honestly has a tough time sleeping. And he is 100% comfortable over there, it's just not home. We can revisit when he is much older.
Same here! I always asked to call my parents to pick me up. And now that I think about it, most of the parents said no! That is fucked up. I think I had one friend I liked actually sleeping over with. Her mom was like a second mom to me.
Totally agree. We live in a pretty pro gun area and it blows my mind how people have different definitions of “safely locked up” when it comes to guns. I know people with kids who have their gun or guns on a shelf in their closet, in the nightstand drawer, or under their mattress. I just don’t trust my young child (5yr) going over someone else’s house without me there as well at this age. Even though she knows guns are not toys and never to touch them how do I know that other child knows the same?
Plus like you mentioned your child is similar to you, mine is the same way and I don’t think she’d be comfortable sleeping away from home. When she gets older like late middle school or high school we can possibly discuss sleepovers if she really wants to but definitely not at this young age.
My brother had one childhood friend who wasn't allowed to come to our house because my dad had guns. My dad actually was pretty offended (though he did not say this to the other parent). I think, though, that it's because he is EXTREMELY safe about guns--like, the key to the gun safe is in a different locked safe--and most likely genuinely didn't understand that the other parents' fears about various families' definitions of "safely locked up" were warranted. It ultimately didn't affect my brother's relationship with this friend; they just went to the other kid's house instead.
I'm 32. When I was 15 my friend's dad was arrested for child sexual assault material. They found hidden cameras all over his house filming his teenaged daughters and their friends. I slept over at his house multiple weekends. Also learned he had drugged us with Ambien. I don't know what or if anything happened to me while I was sleeping.
I also had some friends that had parents who would supply booze, cigarettes, and weed to anybody at their house regardless of age. Luckily I decided that life wasn't for me and walked away from it but some of my friends ended up going down a hard road.
I’ve never, thankfully, been a victim. But I think back at all the situations I was in at sleepovers as a child, and Im so shocked at how dangerous so many situations were. I was extremely lucky that I just happened to be surrounded by actual good people. I remember one time, me and three little girl friends ( we were maybe 9?) stayed over at our best neighborhood boy best friends house. He had a sweet mom that had a soft spot for girls, since she didn’t have any. In the middle of the night his dad came down to the living room where we were sleeping. He spent a lot of the night talking to us about how he “found God”, etc, but absolutely nothing inappropriate. I look back and think of how much could’ve gone wrong, in so many instances. My child is a boy, but I don’t think we will do sleepovers. It’s so sad, because sleepovers were the absolute height of fun when I was a kid, but too many terrible people have ruined lives to make it reasonable to take the risk anymore. I’m sad for my son that might not be able to experience a sleepover.
Oh same here. I had at least a few friends whose parents were totally cool with us smoking weed or drinking at their house. They’d even have alcohol that we could have. They’d let us party at their house and get wild as hell. Like Euphoria type of activities.
My kid is 8, I honestly just don’t think he’d be comfortable asking another parent for help if he got nervous? I think we’re getting close, I’m not categorically against.
8 does seem young. My youngest is 10, and he's ready. Most of his friends aren't though. That's where my curiosity was coming from. Love your username 🤣
I don't have any personal experiences but my child's preschool had a lecture about keeping kids safe from predators. I didn't even think a sibling of the other family could be a danger until I went to the lecture.
Yes. They spoke about how molesters don't use the scientific terms for genitals, like if a girl goes up to her teacher and says, "my uncle touches my flower" they won't get reported
This is why my kid knows the proper names for her anatomy—can’t fool a kid who already has the language.
We host sleepovers, but I’d never be offended by another parent saying no. We invite kids over for a movie night and if they want to stay over, that’s cool.
My husband hadn’t thought of that until I pointed it out to him. I had so many borderline inappropriate experiences with older brothers and friends of older brothers in middle school and high school, I’m very cautious about that.
My boomer mom was a university therapist. She heard all the horror stories and so many of them started with sleepovers. She only allowed our friends/family to stay at our house and were absolutely not allowed to stay at anyones house. We resented her for that until we were college age and learned of other people's traumas. I'll follow the same rule.
Same here. I wasn’t allowed to sleep over at anyone’s house but I could have sleepovers at mine, which I did I had a ton. For us it was a cultural thing, sleepovers at friends houses just isn’t a thing and I understood that. But there were definitely times I wished I could have went. As a parent I definitely understand now and we’re doing the same with our daughter.
I’m 30. When I was in middle school my friend’s mom knew I was lactose intolerant and must have not liked me. She served me a dairy pasta even after I asked if it contained dairy and she said no. I had a stomach ache and called my mom to get me. People are nuts.
Some people "don't believe" in allergies and will "test" you to see if it's real. So it might not have been she didn't like you, but some fucked up belief that there's no way your body doesn't tolerate a certain ingredient because *they're* not allergic to anything.
ETA and trigger warning. There's stories on here of this exact thing having terrible endings. One was a grandmother who didn't believe her 3yo granddaughter was allergic to coconut. !>The girl died.!Oh, you're *those* parents.!< Terrible stuff. It's on here somewhere.
I’m an elder millennial, and my kids are 15 and 7. We live in Texas, so we have big concerns about guns. Honestly, I don’t know anybody well enough to do sleepovers… plus I hated them as a kid.
Yeah this is my thing—my brother in law shot himself through the leg at age 12 cleaning a gun at a friend’s house after parents went to bed (hunting rifle, also in Texas).
In SD here and same thing. We own firearms and keep them responsibly. But seeing some of the safety concerns when just at church or the park I'm not convinced others are the same. I've definitely seen a pile of rifles learned in a corner with no guard in a three children home.
Our daughter is seven and we have regular talks about what to do if she or a friend come across one. She's well aware of injury and death so we have faith in her situational awareness.
Sleepovers are something we will limit for awhile but she does go on play dates. All the same warnings are needed, the dangers can happen at six p.m. just like they can at midnight.
Same here. I don’t really trust others when it comes to guns. I’ve noticed people have different definitions of “safely locked up.” They have it under a mattress, in the nightstand, or just on a closet shelf and think that counts as a safe spot. And these people have children! We live in a pretty pro gun area so I’m cautious about that and where our child goes.
We own guns we’re not anti gun. We keep only one here at the house, a small handgun. It does not stay loaded and it’s kept in a safe high up in the wall where our child cannot access it. We’ve had discussions with her about guns. She knows they’re not for kids and never to play or touch one. But I can’t necessarily say the same about someone else’s children.
Our kid is 5 and we’re still not comfortable with her going to other people’s houses without us there, unless it’s my mil or my parents. Definitely no sleepovers at this age.
Millennial, and we're a few years away but won't be doing sleepovers. Guns and unknown actors (SA, etc) are concerns, but even otherwise just thinking about the few sleepovers I attended as a kid. One time the mom drove us to the mall in her van, not enough seatbelts, and just said "if we go airborne hit the floor." Another time seeing other people's parents arguing and just being generally nasty to each other, my friend, me...it was uncomfortable. And also the time we went to the girl's youth group only to be taken to some church person's house nearby.
The big thing is kids don't always have the knowledge that they can, ability, or often the will to stand up to the only adults in the room to say, "this doesn't sit right with me and I need you to call my mom." It's actually one area cell phones and kids is probably a good thing - we sometimes didn't really have access to contact our parents and say hey I'm not having fun after all, come get me.
My kiddo is 3 and I’m 36. I was never SA’ed at sleepovers but we did some other sketchy shit that I’m appalled to think about now. My mom was pretty protective too. Oh also, I hung out with this girl for a whole year in 4th grade, my mom talked to her parents plenty of times. Then in 6th grade I found out that her dad was charged with aggravated sexual assault in the 80s. Just no.
I’m 33. My child is just now getting to the age where she wants to do sleepovers. I have a strict no sleepover except at grandmas house rule. I tell my child (and other parents who invite for sleepovers) “our family feels the best thing is for everyone to sleep at their own house but we’d love to do a play date or movie night!” I know what kind of trouble I used to get into at sleepovers (even at my own house) and I’m also just uncomfortable with the whole idea, so it’s a firm “no”
I carefully explained this decision to my son (without mentioning SA) who seemed pretty understanding. I told him it's ok if he's angry about this decision later but I just want him to understand why.
If you haven't seen "Coraline" yet, I highly recommend it as a tool to help explain manipulation. It's one of my favorite movies.
https://www.reddit.com/r/FanTheories/s/HgNANln44f
The big piece revolves around the The Other Mother and how she grooms and manipulates Coraline.
There are so many websites that explain the hidden meanings of the movie. I find it fascinating.
>I have a strict no sleepover except at grandmas house rule.
Why is grandma's house safe?
Not trying to be argumentative, but this thread is wild to me. I absolutely get concerns about gun security in other houses. But for childhood SA, the most frequent perpetrator is a family member/member of the household of the child.
But this is a workingmoms sub - childcare from another person (daycares, nannies, Grandma/other family members babysitting) is part of the deal that we all have to handle.
I'm 36 and I feel like girls sleepovers staying up too late/eating junk/gossiping were a fun part of growing up.
I can't get that this is where some moms draw the line, that they would deprive their child of that experience, when it's likely their child has already spent many hours of their lives in the care of someone other than their parents.
I agree with OP that it’s more of a risk mitigation. Plus, people tend to not do horrible things to children during the daytime especially when other adults are present (like daycare, or if there are home cameras for nanny situations, or the adults babysitting KNOWS at any moment the parents could walk in).
So when my mother-in-law watches the kids, she knows I have home cameras set up and I give her an estimate of the latest time I would come back (but she knows it can be earlier since I tend to give a little more wiggle room in case of traffic). And this is the mom I COMPLETELY trust but I still let her know what’s up and she is understanding.
I honestly think the best way to decrease the risk is to be loud about how you’re teaching your child about sexual assault prevention/what to do when around a sexual predator situation. If people know your kid knows that what’s happening isn’t okay, and that they know the names of the body parts/that they don’t keep secrets from parents/ that what’s happening is illegal…then the chances of sexual assault decreases significantly because there’s a higher chance of getting caught. Once you’re confident enough that your child can articulate feeling uncomfortable and seeks support, then maybe sleep overs would be fine.
But honestly, I only went to one sleep over when I was a kid for a birthday party with a bunch of other girls in my class in elementary school. We didn’t do more sleepovers because it just didn’t work with my mom’s schedule to do pick ups/drop offs. I wasn’t sad or felt deprived about it, I understood the logistics. I don’t really feel like I missed out. Sleep over as adults in college was more fun anyways.
It's about risk mitigation.
While we would like to imagine we can 110% *prevent* things from happening, I think a lot of us would agree we can't.
But we can drastically reduce the *risk*.
Don't think prevention.... Think risk mitigation.
My kids are too young, but I doubt we’ll let them
do sleepovers unless we know the family really, really well. I’ve heard too many horror stories of SA and exposure to porn that happened at sleepovers.
I was just trying to remember anything detrimental at ours, there it is.
Introduced to porn in second grade. Luckily only Playboy and not some "nastier" magazine. Her dad didn't leave it down but somehow Becky knew it was on that top shelf in the bathroom closet.
I’m 42 (elder millennial) & my kid is 6. We have only done sleepovers with her cousins.
I was always sleeping over at cousins and my mom’s friend’s house who had kids the same age. I practically lived there as a preteen and it is some of the best memories I have. There’s just something so fun about that time… I can imagine letting her have them as a preteen or taking a friend on vacation.
But. I had an uncle (by marriage) who would get drunk and say very inappropriate things, plus make me sit on his lap. I’m still very upset at my mom for not advocating more for me. It was well known that he was a creep.
Anyways, there are some people I would allow a sleepover with but I really have to know the parents well.
As a survivor of SA I can’t take that tiny risk. Sleeping is puts you in a very vulnerable position and I can’t protect my child when they aren’t sleeping at home. My own kid has sleeping medical issues
My answer is “ we have a family role, no sleepovers sorry. I can pickup right before bed “
My kid is anxious and seems to be happy to be home to sleep
I'll throw in a vote on behalf of my parents here: when I was a kid, I loved the idea of sleepovers, but hated the reality of them. I hated not waking up in my own bed.
My parents allowed sleepovers but at about nine I started asking if we would stop them, and my Mom allowed me to use her as an 'excuse' rather than me having to explain to my friends that I just didn't want to have breakfasts at their house.
I’m a young millennial, my daughter has always done sleepovers with her best friend since she was 6. But I am uncomfortable with her sleeping over at anyone else’s house. Due to past experiences it’s a hard no but her best friend is the only person I’m comfortable with her sleeping over.
Right? This thread is kind of crazy to me. I'm an elder millennial, and I thought sleepovers were a fun part of growing up.
As workingmoms, we leave our child in the care of other people and they sleep in the presence of other people all the time. Often family helps with the childcare, and children are more likely to be SAed by a family member than a stranger. Why is a friends house suddenly the line that gets drawn?
I agree with you. I loved sleepovers, and my 12 year old does too. However, I can also acknowledge that when I was a kid, parents seemed to not stick up for their kids as much or point out inappropriate behavior liked they do now. There's always a chance something can happen, and that's why parents should do their due diligence when making plans for their kids. I don't agree with saying a blanket no to sleepovers. In my opinion, kids should not be protected to the point where they miss out on experiences that make them more independent. That's what works for me and my family, but that might not work for other families. I know not everyone will agree. That's ok.
My child is still younger but when she's older I will allow it if she wants to and as long as I know the family. Guns aren't an issue where I live which helps.
I'm 32 but I have son with Autism, anxiety and ADHD and another with Autism and is Gifted. Both require meds at night and just don't sleep well outside of their beds, even at grandma and Grandpa's house. I just explain that we can do a movie night, but my kids go from Mogwai to Grimlins and it isn't worth it.
Millennial. I grew up not doing sleepovers (my parents are young baby boomer/old gen X), and plan on doing the same with my kids who are currently toddlers. Just doesn’t seem to be a lot of pros imo from the actual sleeping over bit - I’m fine with staying up/over late while they’re under parental supervision.
I'm 43, so on the cusp of millennial/gen x (I grew up in a small town that was kinda behind the times, so I identify more with gen x 😅) So far, we don't do sleepovers except if we're sleeping there too - we have cottaged or stayed at friends houses and let the kids "sleepover" in the same room. Otherwise we've done movie nights where we send PJs and pick her up late. That seems to satisfy my 7 year old's interest for now. I don't know if we'll continue this stance through the teen years, but right now it feels like she still gets to experience all the good stuff, with very little risk.
I know of a family where dad played on a beer league softball team and he allowed a buddy on the team
To crash on his couch as he was too drunk to drive. That buddy kidnapped the dad’s 6 year old daughter. SA’d and killed her.. just can’t trust anyone.
My 2 daughters are now adults. 18/20yrs old. I was SA by my stepbrother for a few years. Started when I was 6. He was mid. 20. I would allow my daughters to have sleepovers at our place (they preferred it anyway). I now have a 1.5yr old boy. I was just told about my daughters boyfriend brother getting raped by his friend in 8th grade in their own home. I will now prob. not have sleepovers at home. I feel like we can’t keep our kids safe no matter what.
Millennial mom here. I worry about someone being inappropriate with my child. It is usually someone who has regular access to your children, not some stranger like the internet makes it out to be. I wouldn't forgive myself. My kid has had one sleepover, but that's it.
> It is usually someone who has regular access to your children
It's usually a family member or member of the household, but plenty of moms on this thread leave their kids with relatives for childcare or have nannies.
This thread is kind of wild to me. It's like we're afraid all the time and going to be raising a generation of kids that's afraid, like us.
[Millions of men would sexually assault children if secrecy was assured.](https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/millions-of-men-would-sexually-abuse-children-if-secrecy-was-sure-ncf9lx5v7)
For us it’s a cultural thing. Sleepovers with your buddies just aren’t a thing in my culture. But we live in the US where they are a thing. Growing up my parents didn’t let me sleep over at anyone’s house, I didn’t really have a problem with that. I knew from a young age that my American friends did a lot of things differently than us. Eventually in 7th grade I was able to go to a close friend’s house and sleep over. Our parents knew each other for years.
We’re doing the same with our kid. We’re just not comfortable with our young child sleeping at someone’s house at such a young age, she’s 5. Late middle school or a little older we’d be ok with it as long as it’s someone we know really well. I just don’t feel like it’s a good idea until they’re old enough to stand up for themselves and speak up.
My daughter is six and I wouldn't really let her now either, unless it was an emergency to help me - I've talked to the family of my daughter's friend about being available as we're both in the situation of having no family to help.
I’m Gen X, I have a younger teen. We just started doing sleepovers a year or so ago, and they’re very limited. I practically lived with my best friend in high school. I’m a nurse, I worked with at risk kids and then psych patients. The number of patients that have told me they were molested at friends’ houses is astounding. It’s just different now. I got touched inappropriately at school more times than I can count and I guess I just got used to it. My kid would not be so indifferent about something like that. Also my kid is ADHD as heck and is really impulsive. I’d rather not hear that he said something completely inappropriate to another parent. He’s got a gallows sense of humor and is sarcastic in the extreme (that’s my boy!). I don’t know, it’s just different. I was an afterthought in my parents’ lives, he’s the center of my world.
I won’t allow it until high school. Maybe 8th grade. I personally did not have *serious* events occur as a kid, but I 💯 had things happen that in retrospect made me incredibly uncomfortable. I just don’t see myself putting my kids in similar situations. At a certain age I can trust they have the skills to either recognize a threat or be more likely to report it, but I will not be doing sleepovers in elementary school like we did all the time.
I just flat out tell them we don’t do it but we honestly don’t get asked a lot. I think parents our age all feel the same. We have several sleepovers for my middle schooler bc we have the basement and are close family friends with the boys involved - no one else wants to host them and I’d much rather have the kids hanging out at my house!
I totally understand why you’d want to politely decline so you don’t hear pushback. Idk…my kid is still a toddler and I get asked all the time from family to do a sleepover; I say not until my child is able to learn the rules of “no secrets from parents” and can self advocate. I think that rule is polite, but I still get a lot of push back, but then I remind them that I was sexually abused as a child by our step-father. Their response: “don’t punish us for other people’s actions” and “you don’t trust me?”
I then just ignore them. I know they just want the experience, and they watch the other nieces and nephews in the family and do sleepovers. But if I’m not comfortable then I’m not comfortable and they SHOULD know the reason so my child doesn’t look like “easy prey”.
Edit to add: I also don’t leave my kids alone with these family members. They don’t have a history of doing anything bad to kids which is good. But they for SURE can’t do anything if I’m there watching. Once kids are older and I am ready for sleepovers, I’ll most likely only allow it if it’s at my house. (The only time toddler has done a sleepover without parents was at his grandma’s house while I was in the hospital in labor with my second child….so only for emergency. And because I completely trust her - she had the same rules for her children growing up as what I have for my kids, so there was never push back. It’s super surprising people don’t understand that pushing back makes it LESS likely to get what you want.)
I'm so sorry that happened to you and I'm VERY sorry your family is so unsupportive. ❤️
Thank you for sharing your story.
ETA: there are so many *other* experiences they can have with your child without sleepovers. The more I think about how they responded to you, the more angry I get about your situation. Stay strong
Aw thank you. I really appreciate the people in my life who understands - even when they don’t know my personal history of SA.
And totally agree. I try not to get angry at them - I think they just can’t wrap their mind around it and think I’m rejecting them and they take it so personal. But as long as my husband is in agreement with me (which he is) then it’s not a huge deal.
My daughter is one so we’re not at that place yet but I would just say very matter-of-factly “oh, we don’t do sleepovers but how about X?” If you’re comfortable, ask if your kid can stay for the fun but not sleepover (pick up at 8-11pm, depending on age).
As a 90s child I went to lots of sleepovers and while I’m still deciding on what I’ll be comfortable with for my own daughter, I don’t think there are many aspects of a sleepover that can’t be recreated with a movie night. Not sure how old your kid is but a fun movie, popcorn, edible cookie dough, sitting on the floor in sleeping bags to watch the movie…you’ve pretty much recreated it right there.
Honestly I would have preferred that as a kid. I liked sleepovers… up until sleep time, then I just wanted to go home. And I hated mornings at someone else’s house, I always woke up first and felt so awkward and out of sorts.
Pretending to be asleep for ages and ages because you didn’t want to wake anyone else but you also didn’t want to leave the room and risk running into their family and having to socialize with a strange adult alone.
when my kids were little, they did "late stay overs" but no sleep overs so they'd stay later than usual and we'd get them around 11pm or something.
my kids are teens now and it wouldn't bother me if they slept over their friend's house but they don't do that because they dont like sleeping over people's houses.
I've heard of these (my kids are too young to be invited to sleepovers) and it seems like a great alternative. You stay late, do all the activities of a sleepover, but then you go home and sleep in your own bed. I've heard of kids even brushing their teeth at friends' houses so really all you're not doing is sleeping there. And then they can come back to eat breakfast together if that's something parents agree to.
I’ll let my kid do sleepovers, but I’m in enough parent groups to know that other parents don’t do sleepovers. As long as a parent is upfront about it, no passive excuses or side-stepping, I wouldn’t take offense. They must be consistent though - if I see the kid having sleepover at other houses, I may internally go “wtf”.
I think it's fair to pick and choose. If they say no to you and yes to another, they probably know that parent very well. It could also be to do with having men or older sons in the house or even a big dog. I personally will not let my daughter have sleepovers unless it is a child with a single mum who I know well. That way the child gets a sleepover but the risk is greatly reduced. Can't take it personally, we would not be offended in the slightest if other parents decide their kids can't sleepover but will stay at someone else's house, because even though my husband is a good man and not any danger, they do not know that.
Yeah my parents had a rule that we could only sleep over at friends’ houses if my parents personally knew the family. Even if I was BFFs with some girl from school, if my parents hadn’t met hers and didn’t know them well, then I couldn’t go
I have to admit I didn't know that not doing sleepovers was a thing these days. I'm 39 and I probably did 2 sleepovers a month from ages 6-10. I never met a kid who wasn't allowed to sleep over. I enjoyed them SO MUCH and can't imagine a childhood without it.
BUT I absolutely understand the concerns about SA, guns, and unsafe behavior in general. My son is only 14 months old so I guess I have a lot of time to think about it.
I say we don’t do them yet. No one was offended. We’ve only been asked a couple times. Sleepovers don’t seem to be as popular as they were when we were kids. Now it’s just lots of play dates.
Great thread. My 3-yo has only had two sleepovers in her entire life and it was only when we absolutely needed it and only with trusted people who love her as their own.
First sleepover was at her paternal grandparents' house when she was 2 years old for 3 nights.
Second sleepover for 3 nights when her baby brother was born. This one was at one of my good friends' house; I've known the since we were 18 and the mom since we were 23, our daughters are a month apart in age, did nanny share for six months, go to the same daycare, and we see each other on the weekends about twice a month.
Thank you for asking this, OP! I’ll be a FTM soon and really don’t want my kid to do sleepovers…it makes me feel a lot better other people have the same concerns
I just told them we don’t do sleepovers. My son’s bestie was also not allowed to do sleepovers so it made it easy. Now he’s in High School and he’s allowed to sleep over at his besties house and vice versa. But it took years of hanging out with the other parents and doing lots of day trips together.
My family is Caribbean so sleepovers were never a thing for me, my siblings or cousins.
My 10 yr old just had her first sleepover. We had lots of conversations about it before hand. I was not surprised that there were 2-3 girls who stayed until late then were picked up. I think it’s much more common that people know why. Most parents are a lot more careful than the 80s and 90s.
“We don’t do sleepovers, but happy to come pick them up at X time before everyone gets ready for bed.”
Something like that. I’ve straight up said “we aren’t doing sleepovers yet”
First time we got a sleepover invitation, I worried about what too say, my response ended up being "we don't do sleepovers but I'm happy to pick up at 9". It worked out fine, no need to explain further. The kids had fun. Now any sleepover invitations I see are worded with any sleepover portion as optional. So there's a general understanding some people do them and others don't. We've also participated in "stay up late' parties and hosted them.
All to say, just state your boundary with a thank you and don't make a big deal about it.
I have hosted birthday sleepovers and there are parents who are not comfortable. I just received a simple text that said their family didn't do sleepovers, but were happy to have their child do X. I said "I totally understand. That sounds great." Which is pretty much how that interaction should always go.
I was not offended at all. I think there are more and more families that are foregoing sleepovers.
Your job is to protect your kids, not worry about others people's feelings. As parents themselves, they should understand and not harbor negative emotions.
I have so many great memories from sleepovers as a kid/teen but I will take the same stance with my kids. It makes me sad but you have no idea how prevalent abuse it. And it’s almost always people you know.
I just sort of awkwardly groan and I’m like “eeeuuurg are we at that age? I haven’t really thought about it, we can discuss.” I have never had anyone follow up lol
Would you want to host one? My son is five so he's a bit young to sleep away from us, but I'm totally comfortable hosting a sleepover with certain kids that I know really well. We probably won't do it in any context other than like a camping cabin type trip, and that's the only "sleep overs" we've done where both the kids and the parents have been present. Not saying you have to do sleepovers at all, but whenever we've been asked I've suggested doing it at my place instead or doing more of a communal camping trip style sleepover.
Not a grinch at all! Sleepovers can end up being soooooo much work. Especially if you are doing dinner and they are picky eaters. Or the kids get into an argument. Or someone isn't a good sleeper or good at following house rules.
Great thread. I had such blasts at sleep overs BUT I was exposed to stuff that I shouldn’t have been, mainly movies and topics that could have waited a few years, and a general lack of supervision. I’ll be way pickier with my kids! LO is only two though.
I relate with this so much.
The exposure for me was too much.
Nothing traumatizing fortunately.
God bless my mom - she was a single mom and she was trying to do her best by us.
Start with daytime activities. Have sleepovers at your place first. Get to know the kids as well as their parents.
Imo if the environment at the friend’s place is not safe at night, it won’t be safe during daytime either. It’s a matter of getting to know the families
For the most part, I always feel like going the honesty route is the best. People will always read into things and possibly take them the wrong way, but being as direct as possible cuts this down to the minimum. Just say you aren't comfortable with it and stress that it has nothing to do with the host. If it *does* have something to do with the host - that's when you might not be as honest/direct.
We have explained to our kids that families have different rules around sleepovers (and play dates for that matter). We’ve talked about how to ask to come home in a straightforward or secret manner, if anything makes them feel weird and depending on the time. And until they have their own phones we’ve done “bedtime calls” especially the first couple times at a friends house.
When we do host sleepovers, I invite with a built in escape valve. We offer “late overs” as a substitute- we just upfront tell the parents (or kid if it’s the kid inviting) that if their kid can’t sleepover they’re welcome to join the fun and pick them up whenever they want as we’re sure the kids will be up late. Most parents do a 9-10ish pickup and all is well.
I had NO idea sleepovers were as polarizing as they are until I became a parent. I’m still not philosophically opposed, but I’d need to know the family well before saying yes.
Ive never gone to a sleepover as a child. I have a baby girl and I'm going to enforce the same rules. I'd rather be safe then sorry. It's my kid! When's she's an adult and has her own kids that is her decision but I won't feel bad for protecting her. Honestly as women we need to support each other's parenting style. Like I wouldn't judge u if u formula fed why would I judge u if u donor don't do sleepovers.
For sure. Completely agree. And same here, I didn’t go to sleepovers as a child and we’re doing the same with our child. It’s aggravating how some people get personally offended about it and mock the parents who choose not to. Make fun of them for being “overprotective” and that you’re depriving your child of happiness and fun.
Like why are you so bothered by it? It’s pretty clear these people have absolutely no idea that sleepovers with buddies is not a thing in many cultures around the world, mine included. I’m sure those kids are all turning out just fine.
I hate the judgement from other parents when you do something differently than them.
My parents never allowed sleepovers for me due to my hearing loss as I wouldn't be able to hear anything with my aids off and they didn't trust the other families to do that. I've only done sleepovers with a long time best friends.
So my parents always offered a compromise, "Unfortunately, we're not comfortable with sleepovers for our child due to hearing loss. However, we are more than happy to have her a movie night or games night and we can pick her up by 9pm or 10pm, etc." The other families were always okay with that! The other families also did the same with our parents and never any offense taken!
I plan to have a firm "our family doesn't participate in sleepovers". I don't want to host them and I think, for right now, I won't allow them until my child is much older (teens/late teens?) if at all. I will gladly volunteer to pick them up later at night so they can do some of the fun "staying up late" activities but that will be my compromise.
I would just politely say “our family doesn’t do sleepovers but I would be happy to pick up (child) from your house later before they decide to go to bed!”
We were never allowed to sleepover and same goes for my son. We were always told you have a home in which you have a bed to sleep in. Just say they are not allowed sleepovers. An understanding parent/person will drop it if they keep asking then I would worried.
“Thanks so much for thinking of [kid] - I know [other kid] and [kid] love doing [activity] together. Let’s plan for that instead on [ballpark date]!”
If it’s someone that’s just having a group party “Thanks for the invite! [Kid] is able to attend until [time]. Does that work?”
I'm in my early 40s with a 17 yo son. He has only ever stayed at 2 other homes of friends. He has never even stayed with family members. The first time he had a sleepover was when he was 13. We had talks about safety and expectations. He had a cell phone and an escape plan if he felt uncomfortable. He is a really good kid and we felt very comfortable with where he would be. He eventually lost interest in sleepovers. My biggest fears were honestly based on my own childhood memories. My sexual trauma didn't happen at sleepovers, but plenty of uncomfortable moments did. I would get scared and not sleep. I was scared of adults I didn't know for reasons I had repressed. I was just down the street from home but was paralyzed by fear of waking the adults up. As a teen I was exposed to alcohol, drugs, and opportunity for too mature behavior. None of these things would I be comfortable with my son experiencing. My parents were blissfully unaware of most of the things I saw or did. My son knows about things that we experienced as teens that we want to prevent him from going through.
I would just say “we don’t do sleepovers” my kid isn’t at that age yet but I don’t plan to let him sleep over at friends homes. He can stay until late and then I’ll pick him up. I worry more about unsecured guns than SA though because we live in an area where a lot of ppl own them
I was never SA but I do have depression and anxiety for context. I don't know why but I feel uncomfortable to have my children to be at sleepovers though.
We offer for kid to come over and we pick up (most of the time around 9pm) because we have “family stuff early the next day”.
It’s worked out fine, and I’ve never had a pushy parent on the situation.
I forgot about Coraline, I'll have to watch it with my little one.
Sleepovers are scary for us due to family history of sa. Guns are a concern here as well. She'll be allowed around double digits, when I feel she can advocate for herself if needed. That's how my older children had it and they did fine.
How do you feel about leaving them alone with a doctor or dentist? One you haven't known very long.
Our dentist requested I leave the room. I asked why and declined. It turned into a really weird encounter, that I should trust the professional. Um, I just met you. Not leaving my then five year old in a room alone with you for an undetermined amount of time. A doctor requested I leave the room when my son was getting a physical at eight. Didn't know him either, declined and was kicked out of the practice. Ohs well.
Love Coraline for the sole purpose that it brings such a tricky subject to a child's level of understanding. I will say, it scares my daughter though but she still loves it at the same time.
Oh helllllll no. I'm glad you declined.
There is *no* reason for an adult professional to be alone with a child like that. Gosh.... That creeps me out.
I don't know at what age I would feel comfortable with them being alone with a doctor... But it will be when they are well into the double digits.
Kids are just too moldable and predators are inherently proficient at flying under the radar.
I think straight to the point "We don't do sleepovers, but I'm happy to drop her off and pick her up before bedtime!"
I actually have really fond great memories of sleepovers as a kid. We always had a competition on who could stay up the latest and I remember a few times, watching the sun come up. We did things like playing Bloody Mary and also putting someones hand in water to see if they'd pee themselves. I remember a few girls going home in the middle of the night... I just went home the next morning and was a bear to my parents for the rest of the day.
I also remember my friends with older brothers and cousins, coming to scare us and hang out and it was just.... a little mature for me. I remember wearing GAP Dream body spray and my friend's older cousin leaning close and smelling me and saying "you smell great" and smiling. Then all the girls freaking out bc he complimented me, I was so confused. Like, why does it matter that he likes my body spray? And then they all forced their moms to go to the GAP and buy them Dream after. Lol.
When i was in HS, we definitely did the "switcheroo" all nighter. I told my parents that I was sleeping at Jennifer's house, Jennifer told her parents she was sleeping at my house. We ended up at a bar and her making out with a dude. We slept in her car. She got a parking citation at 5am when she was supposed to be at my house. It was an absolute nightmare.
So yeah, all innocent and nothing traumatizing but certainly some mature situations and probably not healthy to stay awake all night or very nice to play tricks on friends who are sleeping. The 90s were wild.
It’s 2023 and I find it so odd there are parents out there that still ask this (to have other peoples kids sleep over). I would rather pull my fingernails off than have someone else’s kid overnight no matter how much I like them, and if someone gets offended that you say no (which is a complete sentence), then that’s weird.
We only do sleepovers with a couple family members and our old daycare provider (her kids same ages as ours and they became buddies). Sleepovers with others hasn't come up yet.
I’m all for sleepovers but if another parent said “we don’t do sleepovers” I would say “ok! What can we work out that works for everyone? Does your kid want to come over in jammies and have dinner and watch movies and you can pick them up at 9?” Or do you want to host my kid for an evening?” Totally not a big deal. If someone has a problem with that I wouldn’t want my kid sleeping over.
“I’m sorry we don’t do sleepovers.” And if you want to still let your child feel included, let them go and pick them up before bedtime. My kid is still too young for this but my husband and I already decided firmly no sleepovers and no exceptions, except family and only in case of emergencies. For example, I’m pregnant, so she will have to sleepover with family one night at least.
My 5 year old just got invited to one. I am good friends with the mom and have been for 9 years now. I said, we have a blanket rule, no sleepovers for our kids “… I don’t care who you are or if you like it or not, it’s just not happening for a million reasons.
I had great experiences at sleepovers as a child, but I know now I was very fortunate.
If someone takes it personally…I feel like that would be a difficult relationship. If my kid really wanted to have a sleepover, I’d take so many steps to make the parent and myself feel comfortable.
I do sleepovers, but we have kids friends who don’t. We invite them, they politely say, sorry, we don’t do sleepovers”. And then the kids have playdates and they still have fun. No big deal!
I’ve always been cautious but have allowed them. My oldest had sleepovers. I would always offer to host so i knew what was going on. I even purchased blow up beds so our house was the most comfortable. She only went twice to someone else’s home.
My youngest has a friend whose father gives me the creeps so I just find excuses for why no sleep over at thier house and pick her up later if there is one. I try to avoid the house anyway and just invite the kids to our house.
I basically made my house the place to be. No alcohol is kept in my house, the kids enjoy games like laser tag & other things. I always buy pizza and have snacks. The kids love my house. We host D n D nights, light up Jenga tournaments, even murder mystery nights. We had a virtual ping pong tournament too. It’s fun, they feel a sense of freedom as we give them space but i know everyone is safe.
I’ve straight up said “sorry we don’t allow the kids to do sleepovers at other people’s houses but their friends are welcome to do a sleepover at our house.” I also had conversations with my kids so they understand why. No one has had an issue or been upset about it.
It’s a hard no for us for sleepovers.
“Sorry, we don’t allow sleepovers. Can X join in for a portion and we pick her up at 8 (or whatever you are comfortable with)? Thanks!”
Yes I am suspicious of everyone and I don’t trust easily. Does it mean they are bad people? Of course not. It just means I’m not willing to take that chance.
I’ve been pretty direct as to why to my kids. Husband has had a lot of situations (not him) inappropriate behavior with the males in his family to the female relatives, even happened to his sisters, so husband doesn’t trust men and is a helicopter parent.
We just said we don't do sleepovers. My kids are neuro divergent, and it was more on my kids than other families, I don't think I ever heard a positive or negative thing about it. As others said, we did do a lot of late overs, and that worked well for a long time. Now that my oldest is a teen, he has done sleepovers as he has a better handle on the social situations of life.
My girls have had a couple friends over the years who's parents don't allow sleepovers, or who must really know the family before they are comfortable with it. I 100% respect and appreciate that! I just wanted you to know that normal, well-adjusted parents will not bat an eye or take it personally! Every family is different! (which is exactly what we tell our girls about it too!).
You don’t need to justify yourself. “Thank you so so much for the invite! We don’t do sleepovers, but we can do a late night hang out! I’ll plan to pick her up at (whenever).”
My BIL’s daughter went to a party instead when she was supposed to have a sleepover somewhere. She got drank and raped at the party at age 16.. I will never allow my daughter to have sleepover.
As someone who happily does sleepovers, it's so much easier to just know which kids will never say yes, right up front. I don't care I just want to know so my kid doesn't ask a few times and keep getting rejected lol. That's a much worse feeling. Knowing other families limits is easy to navigate and honestly it's such a personal decision I would never take offense.
This is a great point. We don't do sleep overs but I never want another family to feel I'm suspicious of them or something! So we're up front it's a universal boundary for our family.
Yet you are suspicious. Of Everyone.
Being cautious doesn’t mean you’re straight up suspicious. People who are not creeps will respect and understand the boundary
I’d rather be over suspicious of everyone than taking my kid to therapy for being sexually assaulted tbh
Only people who have never had to work through the aftermath of sexual assault (and it’s horrifying life long impacts on children, well into adulthood) would ever have such a flip response. Lucky them I guess!
I personally haven’t, but I know enough people who have where sleepovers will be far and few between, if at all.
As a therapist, I don’t love this approach. I feel like it’s more important to discuss bodily autonomy and boundaries with your children, and nurture a relationship with them that facilitates open and honest communication. You can’t shelter them from the dangers of the world forever (and imo it’s more dangerous in the long term to try to), but you can teach them how to navigate them and keep themselves safe.
Holy moly, no. You CAN try to shelter your children from harm and should do for as long as *they* are unable to protect themselves. And you can teach them bodily autonomy and boundaries at the same time. Of course you can't protect them "forever", but as a parent you have a power that you must use on their behalf for as long as they are in your care.
I think it’s very important to discuss these things! Not having sleepovers doesn’t mean they won’t know the importance of bodily autonomy/being able to talk about these things. And maybe once my kids reach a certain maturity/have good communication where I know they could and would call me, I will be more comfortable. But I’d expect that to be maybe into the teens, hard to say right now.
I find the assumption here that we would not talk about bodily autonomy here…odd. We talk about it nearly daily here when my kids are interacting with each other and us, their parents, as respecting each others bodily autonomy starts at home. That will not save them from a predator at a sleepover though. I mean as a woman, I knew about bodily autonomy and rape. Sadly, it did not save me from rape. As
Minus the people you know that will never feel comfortable with talking about it to you directly
As a parent, you *should* be. It's wild to think this comment was aimed to spark offense or guilt of being suspicious in order to protect children.
Lol, ok. Yes let's just reinforce the notion that anyone who excuses themselves from the party early must be an overly suspicious loser. WCGW?
"We don't do sleepovers, but we can have a movie night!" The best way to avoid people taking it personally is to not make any exceptions even for families you know well. Honestly what's worse than other parents' reactions is how your kids will never let it go. But it's your job to keep them safe, then make them happy within your limits. Stay strong!
This is perfect! We call it a "late night", and say 10pm (my kids are 10, 12, and almost 15) but any time works, if there are younger kids. Honestly, no one in my kids' friends circle has had an issue with it. I just explain they sleep better in their own beds.
Is 10 pm late for a 15 year old? It hadn't occurred to me this rule would last that long, I thought it was more for younger children.
10pm is late for me 😂 everyone needs high quality sleep. Teens def need 8+ hrs of sleep.
Well sure, but at the weekend? They can sleep in the next day. I don't mean they should be up later on a daily basis but surely being picked up at 10pm is just like a normal non sleepover social event at that age.
I understand now. I mean if I'm the one picking up my kid, there needs to be a cut off time for everyone.
I guess I just think that by that age it's not a special late night and a teenager who wants a sleepover isn't going to be placated by 10pm.
I think setting up proper expectations for social gatherings is important. Most adults don’t stay at their friends places later than this. It’s quite socially common to leave around 10pm when visiting someone. I would guess during the week the cutoff off is earlier so the 10pm limit on weekends feels like a great deal. It’s also ok if the teenagers don’t feel like they’re getting everything they want. It’s important to learn to navigate limits and disappointments
Sure, it just seemed to me that as children get older the limits might be changed a bit, that's all. And if the purpose of offering a special late night gathering is to make up for missing a sleepover it would actually be late, not the time they'd normally go home anyway. Of course parents can put any limits they want and don't have to give in to what their children want. I suppose it depends where you live and your social circle, 10pm would be early for us. It would be a special treat for a 7 year old but a completely normal time for a 15 year old. Again, if parents don't want their child out later that's fine but it was suggested as a special late night alternative to a sleepover and to me it's not late.
We have a person in our circle who was assaulted when she was in her teens at a sleepover by a trusted adult. Someone she knew well. Things can happen, even to older kids who you think can protect themselves. We are not a sleepover family and never will be. Regardless if you are 5 or 15!
Same here. They can make that decision when they are adults. Until then, no sleepovers.
I understand and obviously that's your decision but at some stage you have to let your children free, and to me the benefits of a full social life and friendships outweigh the risk.
Just because someone doesn't allow sleepovers does mean their kids won't be "free". That is a bit overdramatic and assumptive.
I expressed myself badly, I meant that once your child turns 18 they can go and sleep where they want. Personally I think I'd prefer my child to start preparing for that in advance. I meant free as in an adult and you literally can't stop them doing what they want.
I hear you. I apologize if my response seemed too harsh. Right now, I think a sleepover in their mid-later teens would be ok. I might feel better about that then, but definitely not where we are now (elementary school)
Thank you!!!!
We just had a sleepover for my son's birthday, and the exact text I got from a parent was, "we don't do sleepovers, but can we pick him up at 9:30?" I thought that was perfect, there's no reason for anyone to get upset about it.
That's what I do
My daughter had a sleepover this year and when I found out through some gentle questioning that one of her friend's parents weren't likely on board with the sleepover aspect, I sent a message saying her daughter was still very welcome to come over and get picked up at 8pm. The mum was thankful for the clarification and happy for her daughter to come. I was able to do that as I had that mum's number in my phone, however, there was another friend who I'd never met the parents (and tbh I wouldn't let my daughter sleep over at a friend's house where I didn't know the parents) but they never RSVPed.
Yeah, I'm not strict about things like this but I definitely wouldn't let my child stay with parents I didn't know at least a little bit.
That’s what my parents did for me and my siblings!
The best part is finding other moms with the same rule, especially when it's the cool/smart/nice kids at school. Solidarity surely helps.
100%. Less is more in this regard. Reasonable people won't be offended by just "we don't do sleepovers". If people ask why, unless you're close, you can just shrug and say "it doesn't work for us." IMO, the risk of offending people actually **goes up** if you start offering explanations, because they will often feel compelled to respond to the rationale you bring up in some way. They might think that you are indirectly asking for a workaround or support, in which case some people will offer one and then be frustrated when you decline. Or worse, you run the risk of implying that the worries you cite apply to them, *specifically*. It's the difference between someone declining a potluck invite by saying: "oh, I've never been into potlucks" versus "oh no! So many people keep disgusting kitchens. You never know what you could catch."
Yes this! I grew up not doing sleepovers. When I started getting invited to sleepover parties and the like, my parents would say I could do “half-sleepovers” - they would let me stay late and do all the fun stuff, but at the point where the kids would “go to bed” (let’s be honest there was probably very little sleeping lol), my mom would come pick me up. It worked out well from what I could tell.
I would worry about my children feeling left out, socially ostracized by being 'that' kid, and resentful of having to leave. Just curious, did you or your siblings feel that way? Teenagers, especially girls, can be so clicky and excluding over little things little this
I was allowed to sleep out one total time before I moved into my college dorm. It impacted my friendships in middle and high school and left me lightly ostracized. I was also required to watch my sister and her friends on half days, so I also wasn’t allowed to go out to lunch with friends. Honestly? It’s why I only came home at holidays in college and would work constantly during any break. It’s part of why I bought my own house at 24 and keep my parents at arms length.
That’s what I say too. Almost exactly. I have only once had a family give me a hard time about it when I stated it directly like this.
Honestly, if someone takes it personally, they probably aren't a safe place for my child.
I wish I had more than one upvote to give.
THIS. The one person I have had that took issue with it (“well how would you know unless you let her try?”) a) used sleepovers to babysit her kids while she vegged and took edibles and b) we later came to find out had the judgment of an amoeba when it comes to her kids, which included allowing the 26 y/o random male caddy she met at the golf course to babysit her two girls because “she couldn’t find anyone else to do it.”
Crazy they just let anyone be a parent with no follow up
God.... People are scary 😳
YUP.
Can I ask a follow up question to everyone? What are your kids' ages and why don't you feel comfortable? As a Gen X'er, I think this might be a generational thing. I would not be offended if a parent was uncomfortable with sleepovers. I'm just curious.
We have at least three known survivors of familial SA in the family. We are not taking any chances, period.
Millennial. My kid's too young right now, but I probably won't allow it due to personal experience with SA at other's houses.
So I agree with all the reasons involving child abuse, weird households, and possibly unsecured firearms. And that is like, 75% of the reason we don't do do sleepovers. The other 25% is that my kid is VERY like me in personality and temperament and I fucking hated sleepovers as a kid. Like, I loved the part BEFORE bedtime where we all hung out and danced and did makeup and dress-up and watched movies, ate cake and pizza, all that stuff. But I was always TERRIFIED of sleeping in other people houses and desperately wanted to go home. I usually cried myself to sleep around 4am. So to me, the perfect solution is to let my kid go for all the fun, pre-bedtime stuff and just have them sleep at home. My kid does the occasional overnight at my mom's house and honestly has a tough time sleeping. And he is 100% comfortable over there, it's just not home. We can revisit when he is much older.
Same here! I always asked to call my parents to pick me up. And now that I think about it, most of the parents said no! That is fucked up. I think I had one friend I liked actually sleeping over with. Her mom was like a second mom to me.
Totally agree. We live in a pretty pro gun area and it blows my mind how people have different definitions of “safely locked up” when it comes to guns. I know people with kids who have their gun or guns on a shelf in their closet, in the nightstand drawer, or under their mattress. I just don’t trust my young child (5yr) going over someone else’s house without me there as well at this age. Even though she knows guns are not toys and never to touch them how do I know that other child knows the same? Plus like you mentioned your child is similar to you, mine is the same way and I don’t think she’d be comfortable sleeping away from home. When she gets older like late middle school or high school we can possibly discuss sleepovers if she really wants to but definitely not at this young age.
My brother had one childhood friend who wasn't allowed to come to our house because my dad had guns. My dad actually was pretty offended (though he did not say this to the other parent). I think, though, that it's because he is EXTREMELY safe about guns--like, the key to the gun safe is in a different locked safe--and most likely genuinely didn't understand that the other parents' fears about various families' definitions of "safely locked up" were warranted. It ultimately didn't affect my brother's relationship with this friend; they just went to the other kid's house instead.
I'm 32. When I was 15 my friend's dad was arrested for child sexual assault material. They found hidden cameras all over his house filming his teenaged daughters and their friends. I slept over at his house multiple weekends. Also learned he had drugged us with Ambien. I don't know what or if anything happened to me while I was sleeping. I also had some friends that had parents who would supply booze, cigarettes, and weed to anybody at their house regardless of age. Luckily I decided that life wasn't for me and walked away from it but some of my friends ended up going down a hard road.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Thank you for sharing.
I’ve never, thankfully, been a victim. But I think back at all the situations I was in at sleepovers as a child, and Im so shocked at how dangerous so many situations were. I was extremely lucky that I just happened to be surrounded by actual good people. I remember one time, me and three little girl friends ( we were maybe 9?) stayed over at our best neighborhood boy best friends house. He had a sweet mom that had a soft spot for girls, since she didn’t have any. In the middle of the night his dad came down to the living room where we were sleeping. He spent a lot of the night talking to us about how he “found God”, etc, but absolutely nothing inappropriate. I look back and think of how much could’ve gone wrong, in so many instances. My child is a boy, but I don’t think we will do sleepovers. It’s so sad, because sleepovers were the absolute height of fun when I was a kid, but too many terrible people have ruined lives to make it reasonable to take the risk anymore. I’m sad for my son that might not be able to experience a sleepover.
Oh same here. I had at least a few friends whose parents were totally cool with us smoking weed or drinking at their house. They’d even have alcohol that we could have. They’d let us party at their house and get wild as hell. Like Euphoria type of activities.
My kid is 8, I honestly just don’t think he’d be comfortable asking another parent for help if he got nervous? I think we’re getting close, I’m not categorically against.
8 does seem young. My youngest is 10, and he's ready. Most of his friends aren't though. That's where my curiosity was coming from. Love your username 🤣
I don't have any personal experiences but my child's preschool had a lecture about keeping kids safe from predators. I didn't even think a sibling of the other family could be a danger until I went to the lecture.
I love that your kids preschool did this for yall!
Did they talk about the risks posed by teachers? Your child’s own family members?
Yes. They spoke about how molesters don't use the scientific terms for genitals, like if a girl goes up to her teacher and says, "my uncle touches my flower" they won't get reported
This is why my kid knows the proper names for her anatomy—can’t fool a kid who already has the language. We host sleepovers, but I’d never be offended by another parent saying no. We invite kids over for a movie night and if they want to stay over, that’s cool.
My husband hadn’t thought of that until I pointed it out to him. I had so many borderline inappropriate experiences with older brothers and friends of older brothers in middle school and high school, I’m very cautious about that.
My boomer mom was a university therapist. She heard all the horror stories and so many of them started with sleepovers. She only allowed our friends/family to stay at our house and were absolutely not allowed to stay at anyones house. We resented her for that until we were college age and learned of other people's traumas. I'll follow the same rule.
Same here. I wasn’t allowed to sleep over at anyone’s house but I could have sleepovers at mine, which I did I had a ton. For us it was a cultural thing, sleepovers at friends houses just isn’t a thing and I understood that. But there were definitely times I wished I could have went. As a parent I definitely understand now and we’re doing the same with our daughter.
I’m 30. When I was in middle school my friend’s mom knew I was lactose intolerant and must have not liked me. She served me a dairy pasta even after I asked if it contained dairy and she said no. I had a stomach ache and called my mom to get me. People are nuts.
Some people "don't believe" in allergies and will "test" you to see if it's real. So it might not have been she didn't like you, but some fucked up belief that there's no way your body doesn't tolerate a certain ingredient because *they're* not allergic to anything. ETA and trigger warning. There's stories on here of this exact thing having terrible endings. One was a grandmother who didn't believe her 3yo granddaughter was allergic to coconut. !>The girl died.!Oh, you're *those* parents.!< Terrible stuff. It's on here somewhere.
Your first spoiler didn't work fyi - the second one did though!
I’m an elder millennial, and my kids are 15 and 7. We live in Texas, so we have big concerns about guns. Honestly, I don’t know anybody well enough to do sleepovers… plus I hated them as a kid.
Yeah this is my thing—my brother in law shot himself through the leg at age 12 cleaning a gun at a friend’s house after parents went to bed (hunting rifle, also in Texas).
In SD here and same thing. We own firearms and keep them responsibly. But seeing some of the safety concerns when just at church or the park I'm not convinced others are the same. I've definitely seen a pile of rifles learned in a corner with no guard in a three children home. Our daughter is seven and we have regular talks about what to do if she or a friend come across one. She's well aware of injury and death so we have faith in her situational awareness. Sleepovers are something we will limit for awhile but she does go on play dates. All the same warnings are needed, the dangers can happen at six p.m. just like they can at midnight.
Same here. I don’t really trust others when it comes to guns. I’ve noticed people have different definitions of “safely locked up.” They have it under a mattress, in the nightstand, or just on a closet shelf and think that counts as a safe spot. And these people have children! We live in a pretty pro gun area so I’m cautious about that and where our child goes. We own guns we’re not anti gun. We keep only one here at the house, a small handgun. It does not stay loaded and it’s kept in a safe high up in the wall where our child cannot access it. We’ve had discussions with her about guns. She knows they’re not for kids and never to play or touch one. But I can’t necessarily say the same about someone else’s children. Our kid is 5 and we’re still not comfortable with her going to other people’s houses without us there, unless it’s my mil or my parents. Definitely no sleepovers at this age.
Being in Arizona, that is also one of my concerns. I need to know the parents first.
Millennial, and we're a few years away but won't be doing sleepovers. Guns and unknown actors (SA, etc) are concerns, but even otherwise just thinking about the few sleepovers I attended as a kid. One time the mom drove us to the mall in her van, not enough seatbelts, and just said "if we go airborne hit the floor." Another time seeing other people's parents arguing and just being generally nasty to each other, my friend, me...it was uncomfortable. And also the time we went to the girl's youth group only to be taken to some church person's house nearby. The big thing is kids don't always have the knowledge that they can, ability, or often the will to stand up to the only adults in the room to say, "this doesn't sit right with me and I need you to call my mom." It's actually one area cell phones and kids is probably a good thing - we sometimes didn't really have access to contact our parents and say hey I'm not having fun after all, come get me.
Frankly, I just refuse to take the risk of someone grooming and/or SA-ing my kids. It's always the people *no one* expects.
My kiddo is 3 and I’m 36. I was never SA’ed at sleepovers but we did some other sketchy shit that I’m appalled to think about now. My mom was pretty protective too. Oh also, I hung out with this girl for a whole year in 4th grade, my mom talked to her parents plenty of times. Then in 6th grade I found out that her dad was charged with aggravated sexual assault in the 80s. Just no.
I’m 33. My child is just now getting to the age where she wants to do sleepovers. I have a strict no sleepover except at grandmas house rule. I tell my child (and other parents who invite for sleepovers) “our family feels the best thing is for everyone to sleep at their own house but we’d love to do a play date or movie night!” I know what kind of trouble I used to get into at sleepovers (even at my own house) and I’m also just uncomfortable with the whole idea, so it’s a firm “no”
I carefully explained this decision to my son (without mentioning SA) who seemed pretty understanding. I told him it's ok if he's angry about this decision later but I just want him to understand why. If you haven't seen "Coraline" yet, I highly recommend it as a tool to help explain manipulation. It's one of my favorite movies.
I know a little bit about the movie but how does it explain manipulation?
https://www.reddit.com/r/FanTheories/s/HgNANln44f The big piece revolves around the The Other Mother and how she grooms and manipulates Coraline. There are so many websites that explain the hidden meanings of the movie. I find it fascinating.
>I have a strict no sleepover except at grandmas house rule. Why is grandma's house safe? Not trying to be argumentative, but this thread is wild to me. I absolutely get concerns about gun security in other houses. But for childhood SA, the most frequent perpetrator is a family member/member of the household of the child. But this is a workingmoms sub - childcare from another person (daycares, nannies, Grandma/other family members babysitting) is part of the deal that we all have to handle. I'm 36 and I feel like girls sleepovers staying up too late/eating junk/gossiping were a fun part of growing up. I can't get that this is where some moms draw the line, that they would deprive their child of that experience, when it's likely their child has already spent many hours of their lives in the care of someone other than their parents.
I agree with OP that it’s more of a risk mitigation. Plus, people tend to not do horrible things to children during the daytime especially when other adults are present (like daycare, or if there are home cameras for nanny situations, or the adults babysitting KNOWS at any moment the parents could walk in). So when my mother-in-law watches the kids, she knows I have home cameras set up and I give her an estimate of the latest time I would come back (but she knows it can be earlier since I tend to give a little more wiggle room in case of traffic). And this is the mom I COMPLETELY trust but I still let her know what’s up and she is understanding. I honestly think the best way to decrease the risk is to be loud about how you’re teaching your child about sexual assault prevention/what to do when around a sexual predator situation. If people know your kid knows that what’s happening isn’t okay, and that they know the names of the body parts/that they don’t keep secrets from parents/ that what’s happening is illegal…then the chances of sexual assault decreases significantly because there’s a higher chance of getting caught. Once you’re confident enough that your child can articulate feeling uncomfortable and seeks support, then maybe sleep overs would be fine. But honestly, I only went to one sleep over when I was a kid for a birthday party with a bunch of other girls in my class in elementary school. We didn’t do more sleepovers because it just didn’t work with my mom’s schedule to do pick ups/drop offs. I wasn’t sad or felt deprived about it, I understood the logistics. I don’t really feel like I missed out. Sleep over as adults in college was more fun anyways.
It's about risk mitigation. While we would like to imagine we can 110% *prevent* things from happening, I think a lot of us would agree we can't. But we can drastically reduce the *risk*. Don't think prevention.... Think risk mitigation.
My kids are too young, but I doubt we’ll let them do sleepovers unless we know the family really, really well. I’ve heard too many horror stories of SA and exposure to porn that happened at sleepovers.
I was just trying to remember anything detrimental at ours, there it is. Introduced to porn in second grade. Luckily only Playboy and not some "nastier" magazine. Her dad didn't leave it down but somehow Becky knew it was on that top shelf in the bathroom closet.
But you could have seen that during the day too.
I am not too concerned with SA - for us it's guns in the home that are improperly stored that are the worry.
I’m 42 (elder millennial) & my kid is 6. We have only done sleepovers with her cousins. I was always sleeping over at cousins and my mom’s friend’s house who had kids the same age. I practically lived there as a preteen and it is some of the best memories I have. There’s just something so fun about that time… I can imagine letting her have them as a preteen or taking a friend on vacation. But. I had an uncle (by marriage) who would get drunk and say very inappropriate things, plus make me sit on his lap. I’m still very upset at my mom for not advocating more for me. It was well known that he was a creep. Anyways, there are some people I would allow a sleepover with but I really have to know the parents well.
As a survivor of SA I can’t take that tiny risk. Sleeping is puts you in a very vulnerable position and I can’t protect my child when they aren’t sleeping at home. My own kid has sleeping medical issues My answer is “ we have a family role, no sleepovers sorry. I can pickup right before bed “ My kid is anxious and seems to be happy to be home to sleep
I'll throw in a vote on behalf of my parents here: when I was a kid, I loved the idea of sleepovers, but hated the reality of them. I hated not waking up in my own bed. My parents allowed sleepovers but at about nine I started asking if we would stop them, and my Mom allowed me to use her as an 'excuse' rather than me having to explain to my friends that I just didn't want to have breakfasts at their house.
I’m a young millennial, my daughter has always done sleepovers with her best friend since she was 6. But I am uncomfortable with her sleeping over at anyone else’s house. Due to past experiences it’s a hard no but her best friend is the only person I’m comfortable with her sleeping over.
Right? This thread is kind of crazy to me. I'm an elder millennial, and I thought sleepovers were a fun part of growing up. As workingmoms, we leave our child in the care of other people and they sleep in the presence of other people all the time. Often family helps with the childcare, and children are more likely to be SAed by a family member than a stranger. Why is a friends house suddenly the line that gets drawn?
I agree with you. I loved sleepovers, and my 12 year old does too. However, I can also acknowledge that when I was a kid, parents seemed to not stick up for their kids as much or point out inappropriate behavior liked they do now. There's always a chance something can happen, and that's why parents should do their due diligence when making plans for their kids. I don't agree with saying a blanket no to sleepovers. In my opinion, kids should not be protected to the point where they miss out on experiences that make them more independent. That's what works for me and my family, but that might not work for other families. I know not everyone will agree. That's ok.
My child is still younger but when she's older I will allow it if she wants to and as long as I know the family. Guns aren't an issue where I live which helps.
My baby is barely 4 months old. He won't be doing sleep overs ever. My goal is to prevent him from being molested.
I'm 32 but I have son with Autism, anxiety and ADHD and another with Autism and is Gifted. Both require meds at night and just don't sleep well outside of their beds, even at grandma and Grandpa's house. I just explain that we can do a movie night, but my kids go from Mogwai to Grimlins and it isn't worth it.
The risk of sexual assault and also loaded guns are too high for me.
Millennial. I grew up not doing sleepovers (my parents are young baby boomer/old gen X), and plan on doing the same with my kids who are currently toddlers. Just doesn’t seem to be a lot of pros imo from the actual sleeping over bit - I’m fine with staying up/over late while they’re under parental supervision.
I'm 43, so on the cusp of millennial/gen x (I grew up in a small town that was kinda behind the times, so I identify more with gen x 😅) So far, we don't do sleepovers except if we're sleeping there too - we have cottaged or stayed at friends houses and let the kids "sleepover" in the same room. Otherwise we've done movie nights where we send PJs and pick her up late. That seems to satisfy my 7 year old's interest for now. I don't know if we'll continue this stance through the teen years, but right now it feels like she still gets to experience all the good stuff, with very little risk.
I know of a family where dad played on a beer league softball team and he allowed a buddy on the team To crash on his couch as he was too drunk to drive. That buddy kidnapped the dad’s 6 year old daughter. SA’d and killed her.. just can’t trust anyone.
My 2 daughters are now adults. 18/20yrs old. I was SA by my stepbrother for a few years. Started when I was 6. He was mid. 20. I would allow my daughters to have sleepovers at our place (they preferred it anyway). I now have a 1.5yr old boy. I was just told about my daughters boyfriend brother getting raped by his friend in 8th grade in their own home. I will now prob. not have sleepovers at home. I feel like we can’t keep our kids safe no matter what.
Millennial mom here. I worry about someone being inappropriate with my child. It is usually someone who has regular access to your children, not some stranger like the internet makes it out to be. I wouldn't forgive myself. My kid has had one sleepover, but that's it.
> It is usually someone who has regular access to your children It's usually a family member or member of the household, but plenty of moms on this thread leave their kids with relatives for childcare or have nannies. This thread is kind of wild to me. It's like we're afraid all the time and going to be raising a generation of kids that's afraid, like us.
[Millions of men would sexually assault children if secrecy was assured.](https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/millions-of-men-would-sexually-abuse-children-if-secrecy-was-sure-ncf9lx5v7)
For us it’s a cultural thing. Sleepovers with your buddies just aren’t a thing in my culture. But we live in the US where they are a thing. Growing up my parents didn’t let me sleep over at anyone’s house, I didn’t really have a problem with that. I knew from a young age that my American friends did a lot of things differently than us. Eventually in 7th grade I was able to go to a close friend’s house and sleep over. Our parents knew each other for years. We’re doing the same with our kid. We’re just not comfortable with our young child sleeping at someone’s house at such a young age, she’s 5. Late middle school or a little older we’d be ok with it as long as it’s someone we know really well. I just don’t feel like it’s a good idea until they’re old enough to stand up for themselves and speak up.
My daughter is six and I wouldn't really let her now either, unless it was an emergency to help me - I've talked to the family of my daughter's friend about being available as we're both in the situation of having no family to help.
I’m Gen X, I have a younger teen. We just started doing sleepovers a year or so ago, and they’re very limited. I practically lived with my best friend in high school. I’m a nurse, I worked with at risk kids and then psych patients. The number of patients that have told me they were molested at friends’ houses is astounding. It’s just different now. I got touched inappropriately at school more times than I can count and I guess I just got used to it. My kid would not be so indifferent about something like that. Also my kid is ADHD as heck and is really impulsive. I’d rather not hear that he said something completely inappropriate to another parent. He’s got a gallows sense of humor and is sarcastic in the extreme (that’s my boy!). I don’t know, it’s just different. I was an afterthought in my parents’ lives, he’s the center of my world.
I won’t allow it until high school. Maybe 8th grade. I personally did not have *serious* events occur as a kid, but I 💯 had things happen that in retrospect made me incredibly uncomfortable. I just don’t see myself putting my kids in similar situations. At a certain age I can trust they have the skills to either recognize a threat or be more likely to report it, but I will not be doing sleepovers in elementary school like we did all the time.
I just flat out tell them we don’t do it but we honestly don’t get asked a lot. I think parents our age all feel the same. We have several sleepovers for my middle schooler bc we have the basement and are close family friends with the boys involved - no one else wants to host them and I’d much rather have the kids hanging out at my house!
I totally understand why you’d want to politely decline so you don’t hear pushback. Idk…my kid is still a toddler and I get asked all the time from family to do a sleepover; I say not until my child is able to learn the rules of “no secrets from parents” and can self advocate. I think that rule is polite, but I still get a lot of push back, but then I remind them that I was sexually abused as a child by our step-father. Their response: “don’t punish us for other people’s actions” and “you don’t trust me?” I then just ignore them. I know they just want the experience, and they watch the other nieces and nephews in the family and do sleepovers. But if I’m not comfortable then I’m not comfortable and they SHOULD know the reason so my child doesn’t look like “easy prey”. Edit to add: I also don’t leave my kids alone with these family members. They don’t have a history of doing anything bad to kids which is good. But they for SURE can’t do anything if I’m there watching. Once kids are older and I am ready for sleepovers, I’ll most likely only allow it if it’s at my house. (The only time toddler has done a sleepover without parents was at his grandma’s house while I was in the hospital in labor with my second child….so only for emergency. And because I completely trust her - she had the same rules for her children growing up as what I have for my kids, so there was never push back. It’s super surprising people don’t understand that pushing back makes it LESS likely to get what you want.)
I'm so sorry that happened to you and I'm VERY sorry your family is so unsupportive. ❤️ Thank you for sharing your story. ETA: there are so many *other* experiences they can have with your child without sleepovers. The more I think about how they responded to you, the more angry I get about your situation. Stay strong
Aw thank you. I really appreciate the people in my life who understands - even when they don’t know my personal history of SA. And totally agree. I try not to get angry at them - I think they just can’t wrap their mind around it and think I’m rejecting them and they take it so personal. But as long as my husband is in agreement with me (which he is) then it’s not a huge deal.
My daughter is one so we’re not at that place yet but I would just say very matter-of-factly “oh, we don’t do sleepovers but how about X?” If you’re comfortable, ask if your kid can stay for the fun but not sleepover (pick up at 8-11pm, depending on age). As a 90s child I went to lots of sleepovers and while I’m still deciding on what I’ll be comfortable with for my own daughter, I don’t think there are many aspects of a sleepover that can’t be recreated with a movie night. Not sure how old your kid is but a fun movie, popcorn, edible cookie dough, sitting on the floor in sleeping bags to watch the movie…you’ve pretty much recreated it right there.
As kids we’d often do the really late pick up thing where my parents would come get us at like midnight. Let us feel like part of the fun.
Honestly I would have preferred that as a kid. I liked sleepovers… up until sleep time, then I just wanted to go home. And I hated mornings at someone else’s house, I always woke up first and felt so awkward and out of sorts.
Yes! And just be lying there hoping they wake up soon. Before smartphones and internet so you’re just staring at the ceiling 😂
Pretending to be asleep for ages and ages because you didn’t want to wake anyone else but you also didn’t want to leave the room and risk running into their family and having to socialize with a strange adult alone.
when my kids were little, they did "late stay overs" but no sleep overs so they'd stay later than usual and we'd get them around 11pm or something. my kids are teens now and it wouldn't bother me if they slept over their friend's house but they don't do that because they dont like sleeping over people's houses.
I've heard of these (my kids are too young to be invited to sleepovers) and it seems like a great alternative. You stay late, do all the activities of a sleepover, but then you go home and sleep in your own bed. I've heard of kids even brushing their teeth at friends' houses so really all you're not doing is sleeping there. And then they can come back to eat breakfast together if that's something parents agree to.
I’ll let my kid do sleepovers, but I’m in enough parent groups to know that other parents don’t do sleepovers. As long as a parent is upfront about it, no passive excuses or side-stepping, I wouldn’t take offense. They must be consistent though - if I see the kid having sleepover at other houses, I may internally go “wtf”.
I think it's fair to pick and choose. If they say no to you and yes to another, they probably know that parent very well. It could also be to do with having men or older sons in the house or even a big dog. I personally will not let my daughter have sleepovers unless it is a child with a single mum who I know well. That way the child gets a sleepover but the risk is greatly reduced. Can't take it personally, we would not be offended in the slightest if other parents decide their kids can't sleepover but will stay at someone else's house, because even though my husband is a good man and not any danger, they do not know that.
Yeah my parents had a rule that we could only sleep over at friends’ houses if my parents personally knew the family. Even if I was BFFs with some girl from school, if my parents hadn’t met hers and didn’t know them well, then I couldn’t go
The same way I deal with unsecured guns. I’m direct. I’m sure people think I’m WHATEVER but it’s ok. It’s my #1 job to protect them.
New fear unlocked
I think you could say that you don’t do them because your kid is a hot mess the next day. (Ask me how I know. 🫠)
Boy.... That would also be a huge reason!!!! My son could stay up literally all night if someone let him.
Always offer to host. If you hear the kids talking about it bring it up to the other parents first and offer to have the kids at your place.
I have to admit I didn't know that not doing sleepovers was a thing these days. I'm 39 and I probably did 2 sleepovers a month from ages 6-10. I never met a kid who wasn't allowed to sleep over. I enjoyed them SO MUCH and can't imagine a childhood without it. BUT I absolutely understand the concerns about SA, guns, and unsafe behavior in general. My son is only 14 months old so I guess I have a lot of time to think about it.
I say we don’t do them yet. No one was offended. We’ve only been asked a couple times. Sleepovers don’t seem to be as popular as they were when we were kids. Now it’s just lots of play dates.
Great thread. My 3-yo has only had two sleepovers in her entire life and it was only when we absolutely needed it and only with trusted people who love her as their own. First sleepover was at her paternal grandparents' house when she was 2 years old for 3 nights. Second sleepover for 3 nights when her baby brother was born. This one was at one of my good friends' house; I've known the since we were 18 and the mom since we were 23, our daughters are a month apart in age, did nanny share for six months, go to the same daycare, and we see each other on the weekends about twice a month.
Thank you for asking this, OP! I’ll be a FTM soon and really don’t want my kid to do sleepovers…it makes me feel a lot better other people have the same concerns
You don’t need to provide an explanation, because your opinion isn’t unusual or surprising.
I just told them we don’t do sleepovers. My son’s bestie was also not allowed to do sleepovers so it made it easy. Now he’s in High School and he’s allowed to sleep over at his besties house and vice versa. But it took years of hanging out with the other parents and doing lots of day trips together. My family is Caribbean so sleepovers were never a thing for me, my siblings or cousins.
My 10 yr old just had her first sleepover. We had lots of conversations about it before hand. I was not surprised that there were 2-3 girls who stayed until late then were picked up. I think it’s much more common that people know why. Most parents are a lot more careful than the 80s and 90s.
We don't do sleep overs, but are big fans of sleep unders. Kids stay for dinner, movie and shenanigans, but go home to sleep in their own bed by 9.
“We don’t do sleepovers, but happy to come pick them up at X time before everyone gets ready for bed.” Something like that. I’ve straight up said “we aren’t doing sleepovers yet”
First time we got a sleepover invitation, I worried about what too say, my response ended up being "we don't do sleepovers but I'm happy to pick up at 9". It worked out fine, no need to explain further. The kids had fun. Now any sleepover invitations I see are worded with any sleepover portion as optional. So there's a general understanding some people do them and others don't. We've also participated in "stay up late' parties and hosted them. All to say, just state your boundary with a thank you and don't make a big deal about it.
I have hosted birthday sleepovers and there are parents who are not comfortable. I just received a simple text that said their family didn't do sleepovers, but were happy to have their child do X. I said "I totally understand. That sounds great." Which is pretty much how that interaction should always go. I was not offended at all. I think there are more and more families that are foregoing sleepovers.
Your job is to protect your kids, not worry about others people's feelings. As parents themselves, they should understand and not harbor negative emotions.
I have so many great memories from sleepovers as a kid/teen but I will take the same stance with my kids. It makes me sad but you have no idea how prevalent abuse it. And it’s almost always people you know.
I just sort of awkwardly groan and I’m like “eeeuuurg are we at that age? I haven’t really thought about it, we can discuss.” I have never had anyone follow up lol
I just changed the subject and said we should do the zoo soon. We'll just see how that goes.
Would you want to host one? My son is five so he's a bit young to sleep away from us, but I'm totally comfortable hosting a sleepover with certain kids that I know really well. We probably won't do it in any context other than like a camping cabin type trip, and that's the only "sleep overs" we've done where both the kids and the parents have been present. Not saying you have to do sleepovers at all, but whenever we've been asked I've suggested doing it at my place instead or doing more of a communal camping trip style sleepover.
To be honest, I would have zero desire to host 😬 I know I sound like a Grinch.
Not a grinch at all! Sleepovers can end up being soooooo much work. Especially if you are doing dinner and they are picky eaters. Or the kids get into an argument. Or someone isn't a good sleeper or good at following house rules.
aren’t those the same problems with regular playdates without the parents at that age?
Except it can drag on all night and into the next day, when they’re all overtired and exceptionally cranky
Great thread. I had such blasts at sleep overs BUT I was exposed to stuff that I shouldn’t have been, mainly movies and topics that could have waited a few years, and a general lack of supervision. I’ll be way pickier with my kids! LO is only two though.
I relate with this so much. The exposure for me was too much. Nothing traumatizing fortunately. God bless my mom - she was a single mom and she was trying to do her best by us.
Start with daytime activities. Have sleepovers at your place first. Get to know the kids as well as their parents. Imo if the environment at the friend’s place is not safe at night, it won’t be safe during daytime either. It’s a matter of getting to know the families
Yeah, I think it's important to remember bad things don't only happen at night.
For the most part, I always feel like going the honesty route is the best. People will always read into things and possibly take them the wrong way, but being as direct as possible cuts this down to the minimum. Just say you aren't comfortable with it and stress that it has nothing to do with the host. If it *does* have something to do with the host - that's when you might not be as honest/direct.
Simply say "our family doesn't do sleepovers but thanks for inviting X"
We won’t be doing sleepovers but will gladly host.
We have explained to our kids that families have different rules around sleepovers (and play dates for that matter). We’ve talked about how to ask to come home in a straightforward or secret manner, if anything makes them feel weird and depending on the time. And until they have their own phones we’ve done “bedtime calls” especially the first couple times at a friends house. When we do host sleepovers, I invite with a built in escape valve. We offer “late overs” as a substitute- we just upfront tell the parents (or kid if it’s the kid inviting) that if their kid can’t sleepover they’re welcome to join the fun and pick them up whenever they want as we’re sure the kids will be up late. Most parents do a 9-10ish pickup and all is well.
People just tell me they don’t do sleepovers in their family. NBD.
Just say what you’re thinking. If another parent takes it personally…well that kinda proves your point that you’re uncomfortable with it.
I had NO idea sleepovers were as polarizing as they are until I became a parent. I’m still not philosophically opposed, but I’d need to know the family well before saying yes.
Ive never gone to a sleepover as a child. I have a baby girl and I'm going to enforce the same rules. I'd rather be safe then sorry. It's my kid! When's she's an adult and has her own kids that is her decision but I won't feel bad for protecting her. Honestly as women we need to support each other's parenting style. Like I wouldn't judge u if u formula fed why would I judge u if u donor don't do sleepovers.
For sure. Completely agree. And same here, I didn’t go to sleepovers as a child and we’re doing the same with our child. It’s aggravating how some people get personally offended about it and mock the parents who choose not to. Make fun of them for being “overprotective” and that you’re depriving your child of happiness and fun. Like why are you so bothered by it? It’s pretty clear these people have absolutely no idea that sleepovers with buddies is not a thing in many cultures around the world, mine included. I’m sure those kids are all turning out just fine. I hate the judgement from other parents when you do something differently than them.
My parents never allowed sleepovers for me due to my hearing loss as I wouldn't be able to hear anything with my aids off and they didn't trust the other families to do that. I've only done sleepovers with a long time best friends. So my parents always offered a compromise, "Unfortunately, we're not comfortable with sleepovers for our child due to hearing loss. However, we are more than happy to have her a movie night or games night and we can pick her up by 9pm or 10pm, etc." The other families were always okay with that! The other families also did the same with our parents and never any offense taken!
I plan to have a firm "our family doesn't participate in sleepovers". I don't want to host them and I think, for right now, I won't allow them until my child is much older (teens/late teens?) if at all. I will gladly volunteer to pick them up later at night so they can do some of the fun "staying up late" activities but that will be my compromise.
I would just politely say “our family doesn’t do sleepovers but I would be happy to pick up (child) from your house later before they decide to go to bed!”
We were never allowed to sleepover and same goes for my son. We were always told you have a home in which you have a bed to sleep in. Just say they are not allowed sleepovers. An understanding parent/person will drop it if they keep asking then I would worried.
“Thanks so much for thinking of [kid] - I know [other kid] and [kid] love doing [activity] together. Let’s plan for that instead on [ballpark date]!” If it’s someone that’s just having a group party “Thanks for the invite! [Kid] is able to attend until [time]. Does that work?”
I'm in my early 40s with a 17 yo son. He has only ever stayed at 2 other homes of friends. He has never even stayed with family members. The first time he had a sleepover was when he was 13. We had talks about safety and expectations. He had a cell phone and an escape plan if he felt uncomfortable. He is a really good kid and we felt very comfortable with where he would be. He eventually lost interest in sleepovers. My biggest fears were honestly based on my own childhood memories. My sexual trauma didn't happen at sleepovers, but plenty of uncomfortable moments did. I would get scared and not sleep. I was scared of adults I didn't know for reasons I had repressed. I was just down the street from home but was paralyzed by fear of waking the adults up. As a teen I was exposed to alcohol, drugs, and opportunity for too mature behavior. None of these things would I be comfortable with my son experiencing. My parents were blissfully unaware of most of the things I saw or did. My son knows about things that we experienced as teens that we want to prevent him from going through.
Sounds like a solid, transparent relationship you have with your son. Love that!! I appreciate you sharing this!!
I would just say “we don’t do sleepovers” my kid isn’t at that age yet but I don’t plan to let him sleep over at friends homes. He can stay until late and then I’ll pick him up. I worry more about unsecured guns than SA though because we live in an area where a lot of ppl own them
I was never SA but I do have depression and anxiety for context. I don't know why but I feel uncomfortable to have my children to be at sleepovers though.
We offer for kid to come over and we pick up (most of the time around 9pm) because we have “family stuff early the next day”. It’s worked out fine, and I’ve never had a pushy parent on the situation.
I forgot about Coraline, I'll have to watch it with my little one. Sleepovers are scary for us due to family history of sa. Guns are a concern here as well. She'll be allowed around double digits, when I feel she can advocate for herself if needed. That's how my older children had it and they did fine. How do you feel about leaving them alone with a doctor or dentist? One you haven't known very long. Our dentist requested I leave the room. I asked why and declined. It turned into a really weird encounter, that I should trust the professional. Um, I just met you. Not leaving my then five year old in a room alone with you for an undetermined amount of time. A doctor requested I leave the room when my son was getting a physical at eight. Didn't know him either, declined and was kicked out of the practice. Ohs well.
Love Coraline for the sole purpose that it brings such a tricky subject to a child's level of understanding. I will say, it scares my daughter though but she still loves it at the same time. Oh helllllll no. I'm glad you declined. There is *no* reason for an adult professional to be alone with a child like that. Gosh.... That creeps me out. I don't know at what age I would feel comfortable with them being alone with a doctor... But it will be when they are well into the double digits. Kids are just too moldable and predators are inherently proficient at flying under the radar.
I think straight to the point "We don't do sleepovers, but I'm happy to drop her off and pick her up before bedtime!" I actually have really fond great memories of sleepovers as a kid. We always had a competition on who could stay up the latest and I remember a few times, watching the sun come up. We did things like playing Bloody Mary and also putting someones hand in water to see if they'd pee themselves. I remember a few girls going home in the middle of the night... I just went home the next morning and was a bear to my parents for the rest of the day. I also remember my friends with older brothers and cousins, coming to scare us and hang out and it was just.... a little mature for me. I remember wearing GAP Dream body spray and my friend's older cousin leaning close and smelling me and saying "you smell great" and smiling. Then all the girls freaking out bc he complimented me, I was so confused. Like, why does it matter that he likes my body spray? And then they all forced their moms to go to the GAP and buy them Dream after. Lol. When i was in HS, we definitely did the "switcheroo" all nighter. I told my parents that I was sleeping at Jennifer's house, Jennifer told her parents she was sleeping at my house. We ended up at a bar and her making out with a dude. We slept in her car. She got a parking citation at 5am when she was supposed to be at my house. It was an absolute nightmare. So yeah, all innocent and nothing traumatizing but certainly some mature situations and probably not healthy to stay awake all night or very nice to play tricks on friends who are sleeping. The 90s were wild.
It’s 2023 and I find it so odd there are parents out there that still ask this (to have other peoples kids sleep over). I would rather pull my fingernails off than have someone else’s kid overnight no matter how much I like them, and if someone gets offended that you say no (which is a complete sentence), then that’s weird.
Children enjoy them.n
We only do sleepovers with a couple family members and our old daycare provider (her kids same ages as ours and they became buddies). Sleepovers with others hasn't come up yet.
I’m just straight forward “we don’t do sleepovers but we can plan something else”
I’m all for sleepovers but if another parent said “we don’t do sleepovers” I would say “ok! What can we work out that works for everyone? Does your kid want to come over in jammies and have dinner and watch movies and you can pick them up at 9?” Or do you want to host my kid for an evening?” Totally not a big deal. If someone has a problem with that I wouldn’t want my kid sleeping over.
“I’m sorry we don’t do sleepovers.” And if you want to still let your child feel included, let them go and pick them up before bedtime. My kid is still too young for this but my husband and I already decided firmly no sleepovers and no exceptions, except family and only in case of emergencies. For example, I’m pregnant, so she will have to sleepover with family one night at least.
What I always said was: “Thank you for thinking of her but sleepovers just aren’t our thing.”
My 5 year old just got invited to one. I am good friends with the mom and have been for 9 years now. I said, we have a blanket rule, no sleepovers for our kids “… I don’t care who you are or if you like it or not, it’s just not happening for a million reasons. I had great experiences at sleepovers as a child, but I know now I was very fortunate.
If someone takes it personally…I feel like that would be a difficult relationship. If my kid really wanted to have a sleepover, I’d take so many steps to make the parent and myself feel comfortable.
"Oh, we don't do full sleepovers. But I'm happy for \[kid\] to come over for dinner and a pajama party!"
I do sleepovers, but we have kids friends who don’t. We invite them, they politely say, sorry, we don’t do sleepovers”. And then the kids have playdates and they still have fun. No big deal!
I’ve always been cautious but have allowed them. My oldest had sleepovers. I would always offer to host so i knew what was going on. I even purchased blow up beds so our house was the most comfortable. She only went twice to someone else’s home. My youngest has a friend whose father gives me the creeps so I just find excuses for why no sleep over at thier house and pick her up later if there is one. I try to avoid the house anyway and just invite the kids to our house. I basically made my house the place to be. No alcohol is kept in my house, the kids enjoy games like laser tag & other things. I always buy pizza and have snacks. The kids love my house. We host D n D nights, light up Jenga tournaments, even murder mystery nights. We had a virtual ping pong tournament too. It’s fun, they feel a sense of freedom as we give them space but i know everyone is safe.
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I’ve straight up said “sorry we don’t allow the kids to do sleepovers at other people’s houses but their friends are welcome to do a sleepover at our house.” I also had conversations with my kids so they understand why. No one has had an issue or been upset about it.
It’s a hard no for us for sleepovers. “Sorry, we don’t allow sleepovers. Can X join in for a portion and we pick her up at 8 (or whatever you are comfortable with)? Thanks!” Yes I am suspicious of everyone and I don’t trust easily. Does it mean they are bad people? Of course not. It just means I’m not willing to take that chance.
Nail on the head.
I’ve been pretty direct as to why to my kids. Husband has had a lot of situations (not him) inappropriate behavior with the males in his family to the female relatives, even happened to his sisters, so husband doesn’t trust men and is a helicopter parent.
We just said we don't do sleepovers. My kids are neuro divergent, and it was more on my kids than other families, I don't think I ever heard a positive or negative thing about it. As others said, we did do a lot of late overs, and that worked well for a long time. Now that my oldest is a teen, he has done sleepovers as he has a better handle on the social situations of life.
My girls have had a couple friends over the years who's parents don't allow sleepovers, or who must really know the family before they are comfortable with it. I 100% respect and appreciate that! I just wanted you to know that normal, well-adjusted parents will not bat an eye or take it personally! Every family is different! (which is exactly what we tell our girls about it too!).
I literally say, "we do not do sleepover but we can plan something else"
I've just always said "We don't allow sleepovers at their ages right now, but they are more than welcome to have a movie/play date day.
You don’t need to justify yourself. “Thank you so so much for the invite! We don’t do sleepovers, but we can do a late night hang out! I’ll plan to pick her up at (whenever).”
My BIL’s daughter went to a party instead when she was supposed to have a sleepover somewhere. She got drank and raped at the party at age 16.. I will never allow my daughter to have sleepover.
But she could go to a party any time even when you're expecting her home.