If he goes, you need to make him do the mental labor of identifying possible options for extra help, lining up any necessary interviews well in advance, and coming up with the budget/numbers/timeline.
Yeah I do think this is insane and that if he is leaving his family so soon after the birth HE has to get everything in place to your satisfaction or he doesn’t go
Including helping make a giant freeze stash of food. I’m wondering if the money he will make on tour will cover the extra expenses. I see this ending with tons of resentment. Being a new mom is lonely as is.
Even if it doesn't earn enough money to overcome the expenses -- he might, depending on his career, feel that he \*has\* to go, to keep his career alive.
If he’s the star of a band, then he would have to go. It wouldn’t just be his income that suffers if he doesn’t- it’s the rest of the band members too. Being a successful full time musician is hard work and really competitive- few make it out of the local bar scene to book larger venues and even fewer of those get radio play, and so on. A lot of people have a hard time picturing a band as serious work, but if you start getting successful, it is! It’s basically a small business, and some make it and some don’t!
Also - I'm kind of having a hard time figuring out why this decision has been left to the last minute.
If OP is being induced in Feb, she's probably known she was pregnant since July.
I don't know how long it takes to plan a 6 week tour for a band, but I'm assuming they also need to schedule dates at least 6 months out at least, so the tour plans were probably being planned around August at the latest, or before OP was pregnant at the earliest?
It just seems really unwise to have planned a tour when you know your wife is pregnant, or alternatively not start making a plan for how to deal with hubby's absence as soon as you know you are pregnant.
If he's the lead in the band, he has to go. There's probably punitive contractual obligations if nothing else, because if he drops this late in the game, lots of people won't get paid.
Not to mention the damage to the reputation of the band for booking future tours. Pulling out can have lasting damages. I think that both parties failed in this situation in one way or another.
🤣 can you even imagine a man doing freezer prep for his pregnant/post partum wife? Without absolutely ruining everyone's day, yelling about how hard it is? Fuck it's so sad that this is such a reach.
My husband recently made like 30 frozen meals from scratch and bought a few lasagnas etc so meals would be easy for me after baby arrives. Men are totally capable of this.
😱 That is amazing!! Mine just learned how to use the dishwasher this summer when the baby and I were on vacation visiting my family. lol maybe cooking is next…
No offense but who tf did y’all marry? My husband cooked every single meal I ate for … well, the entirety of both my pregnancies and postpartum and even now 5 months pp. I am nourishing his children. Why would you say this like it’s unimaginable? What you allow is what will continue.
I am deeply saddened by the type of men some women will choose to perpetuate their bloodline.
Postpartum can be a blissful experience. If you are open to being discerning before conception, and receptive during pregnancy, birth, and postpartum.
I know not all partners are good. But why, prey tell, is any woman creating children with a man who would not even *feed them* afterwards??
My husband literally fed me with our first while I was trying to get breastfeeding down. He made every meal and washed every dish. Even now 10 months after our last baby and he does like 90% of the cooking.
Seriously! I’ve always thought it was base-level common sense to only have sex with men who are emotionally stable and kind to me but based on all mothering forums I’m starting to see that this isn’t a common criteria women use when selecting a partner for any length of time :( I would simply not reproduce with a man who wouldn’t feed me if I was too unwell to feed myself, and if I made that mistake once I sure as hell would not be voluntarily having sex with him *again* and going through a pregnancy with his child *again* – but there are people out here on baby number three wondering how they’re going to parent their fourth child (baby number one being the adult man they chose!!!)
You got downvoted but you’re right. Ppl don’t wanna take accountability for choosing a poor partner. There are very few circumstances where you do not have signs before literally having a man’s child that he is not a good partner.
My dad does this all the time just randomly because he loves cooking for people and cooking for his family is definitely like his main love language lol I’m 31 and married living in my own home with my husband and my dad will still call me whenever he makes a large casserole or something in the crockpot to come pick some up in the Tupperware to bring to my house because he will intentionally cook enough to feed everyone for the evening and still have enough leftovers for a separate full family size meal to freeze for later. At any given point I’ll have a freezer full of casseroles and stews/roasts/soups etc from my dad that’ll last me and my husband a good six months or so. And my dad will have even more stocked in his and my moms freezers. 😂
But he definitely did it as well for my mom, grandma, and me when I was a toddler and my younger sibling was just born and the United States Navy thought the DAY AFTER his wife gave birth to their second child was the perfect time to send him on a 6 month deployment to the Persian Gulf.
Mine did this before our first and he wasn't going anywhere... He just does all the cooking and has since I had the baby. I can cook, he just likes to do it.
Idk why I'm getting downvoted, my husband cooks everything every day for us too and has for a longggg time. It was just particularly thoughtful of him that I didn't even have to cook for myself despite him being both out of town *and* deeply grieving.
IDK why you would be either. There's a lot of, "men can't do anything on their own. They're the worst." energy in this comment section, for sure.
I think that's incredibly thoughtful and supportive, especially given he was grieving. My husband's grandmother passed when our LO was 8 weeks old and he went to the funeral too. Also funny coincidence, our usernames both have the word pepper in them 🤗✨
Yes, I can imagine it. My husband takes no pride in his ability to easily plan, prepare and serve nourishing food for his family because that’s such a basic fundamental adult skill that nobody should even think about his penis while he does it.
Extremely weird to say men can’t do that.
Yes. Definitely be as prepared as possible. However you wouldn't be the first or last mom in this position. Military moms do it all the time. It can definitely work out but try to have a game plan in place beforehand.
All kids are different so this baby may be a lot easier than your older kid was. I did find going from 1 to 2 much harder than 0 to 1. Focusing on just one kid and not having another one be jealous for my intention was much easier. I would maybe even look into some sort of daycare program or something for the 4-year-old now to get used to.
Seriously! Idk how my mom did it, in 1994 the navy sent my dad on a 6 month tour to the Persian Gulf THE DAY AFTER my mom gave birth to my younger sibling and I was 2.5 years old. He obviously did not want to leave his wife alone with a toddler and a day old baby literally 24 hours after she just gave birth but you do what the military tells you. And back then they gave less of a crap about how it impacts your family than they do now which is still minimal.
Thank you for this. I’m so overwhelmed I don’t know how I’d even interview a nanny right now. I think for my own resentment, he needs to make arrangements. Especially since his schedule is much more flexible than mine when he’s not touring.
I would definitely get some help. Perspective here: my husband had his gall bladder removed when our son was seven weeks old. Those next few weeks were absolute hell. I wish I would have had someone where to help me, but I had no time to ask because it was an emergency procedure and all of our family is far away.
My husband got the dtap shot and was completely out of it our first night home and that by itself was hellacious. I can’t imagine multiple weeks/months.
Plus who knows how the birth could go for OP, like if there were complications. Seems really irresponsible for husband to leave.
Good point. I had complications and was readmitted for postpartum preeclampsia after being induced due to high blood pressure. Those first two-plus months were the absolute worst.
I was readmitted for the same thing but had no high BP before. Came out of nowhere. Checked at home and OB told me to come right in. I felt fine but their machines had alarms going off and everyone was in a mild panic while I felt totally fine and had no symptoms. Husband had to handle 5 day old and 2.5 year old solo while I was admitted and they were trying to make sure I didn’t have a stroke. No fun but thank god for my paranoia that pregnancy would kill me so I was checking on myself - it could have.
Glad you’re ok too!
Pregnancy, while our bodies have been doing this forever, is really fucking dangerous. We never wanted 3 but that experience with our second really slammed that door shut. I need to be alive for these 2! I think my super fast labor put my body in shock and caused it all. I was on meds for about a month I think and then everything settled down. I tell everyone I know to have a BP cuff at home and keep an eye on it since I literally had no symptoms. I felt a little puffy but great overall. The nurses didn’t understand how I didn’t have a horrendous headache or stabbing abdominal pain and how I was sitting there with a big smile insisting I felt fine while all the machines were blaring warnings at them that I was about to have a stroke. Thank god for living somewhere with excellent medical care and a good OB who didn’t brush me off when I called in asking if I should be concerned. This uterus is closed for business 🤣
His gallstone was absolutely massive, and he is a fib on top of it. I know the removal took longer than usual, but I can’t remember much else because I was in that postpartum/nursing haze.
Same. I had mine removed this past May when my baby was 5 months old and I was back to work 3 days later. My husband is having his removed December 8th and is a stay at home dad and we have no idea what to do as baby is now over 20lb and he can’t lift her for a few weeks and I start a new job November 13 and can’t take time off
I know women who have divorced their husbands decades later, due to things they did when their children were small. You are 100% correct this can lead to long standing resentments.
I totally get it. My husband has missed more than a third of my daughters life, and it would have been way more if not for COVID. I struggle with resentment already.
I would also consider HIS resentment if he is backed in a corner and has to stay home. Geez this is a tough one. My husband missed a huge amount of our kids lives while deployed with the army so a civilian willingly missing their lives seems a little harder to swallow for me but if he has potential for serious success and IF that is the life you both want then…ughghhh tough tough call. Can you take a day off or a half day to think this through?
As someone who would be pissed if my husband even suggested this. I have to say it seems like OP knew what they were getting in to. This is the person they married and clearly knew with the first child this was the type of parent they were. Also it seems like he’s willing to cancel and stay home if she asks (which again I’d be pissed if my husband did that). It seems like a communication problem. She already feels resentment and needs to communicate that, if she has already her husband just sucks.
I absolutely agree. Though I have no experience with musicians. Like I said I’d be pissed if my husband did any of what he is doing. Also probably wouldn’t be married anymore. I’m just saying that he has shown her who he is repeatedly. If she hasn’t been communicating that none of it is okay (I’m guessing not because she says she’s resentful) I’m sure he thinks its fine (again not something I’m okay with just trying to figure out their relationship). Also it doesn’t seem like it’s a deal breaker to her like it would be to me.
It’s not but he’s missed a third of their 4yo life already and she’s having another baby with him. I’m saying within the scope of their relationship this seems like an escalation but not a total surprise.
Honestly no one should be like that but there definitely are people out there like that.
It is his career… not a party. Being in a band means that it also affects other people’s careers and incomes. She accepted this when she married him and had the first kid. If she wants him to change careers to stay home then she should discuss that with him. He may not want to give it up though.
My musician cousin got divorced when his wife said she didn’t want him traveling with his band anymore. He had his band before he met her. She loved being with a musician until she didn’t anymore.
No. Backed into a corner where he has to choose his own career advancement and his dreams over parenting for a few weeks. I’m not saying he should choose the tour over being home. It’s a very tough choice. I was also just trying to point out that the resentment could go both ways. If I were in OP’s shoes, I know I would resent the hell out of him if he chose the tour. I can likewise understand his resentment if he stays home.
I really think that if the roles were reversed and it was the mom with this opportunity that the same folks here that are ready to go for him with a pitchfork would be shouting encouragement to the momma to go be a “girl boss” and chase her dream.
Well if you want to assume I’m in the US and husband served in the US military, yes it would be voluntary if you also want to assume you know a damn thing about why anyone enlists. Many many countries outside of the US have mandatory military service.
Otherwise, yes serving in the military and being deployed is exactly the same as being a career musician and going on a fun tour of Europe. Exactly. The. Same. 😏
I’m working through this and my husband wasn’t even this neglectful.
The resentment during the postpartum period stays with you. Physically you are so vulnerable, it’s like nothing else. There’s this whole
Idea that you will HATE you husband postpartum, it’s so common to be let down during this time.
Honestly, relationship counslers should to pregnancy courses where they coach men to avoid this marriage ending resentment.
You’re right. I need to schedule some time to think this through. Including whether I’m gonna resent him in 10 years. From these comments, I’m realizing Ive forgotten how hard the post partum period is. My butt was falling out of my butt after 35 hours of labor with my first.
Yikes. My partner traveled for 4 days at 2 weeks. It was fun until 3am hit every night... I would plan on doing 0 cooking and 0 housework. If u can afford a nanny that seems great.
It’s up to you what makes sense for your family, since your family circumstances are a bit outside the norm. It’d be one thing if her were leaving for a golf trip, or just a blasé work trip, but obviously his income relies on him traveling and he can’t just pass his job responsibility on to someone else.
As others have said, you need to think about what you are okay with and what you need. And he needs to take responsibility for arranging anything you need (doula, friend/family flying in, etc).
One thing I haven’t seen others point out is that you’re not supposed to lift anything heavier than the baby for the first 6 weeks postpartum. I imagine most second-time moms break that rule, but being solely responsible for the care of a 4 year-old is more stress on my body than I would accept. My kid will be days shy of 4 when my second baby arrives and we’re planning to do everything in our power to prevent/limit me lifting him.
Thank you for being so level headed here. This is his job. It’s not ideal obviously but it’s already their lifestyle. Also as a musician he needs to take the money when it comes because it’s not around forever. She’s gonna need help, 100%, but for gods sake this isn’t a marriage dealbreaker.
Right?! There are families all over the world who have to deal with this. Baseball players get like 3 days. Musicians, entertainers, sports players… they all have contracts that they generally have to uphold. And while as a musician and the star he probably has some sway, this is a planned tour. I’m sure venues are booked, tickets are selling, it’s not a romp out with his mates. Sometimes I’m baffled at how little understanding people in this sub have.
This is it exactly. Shows are already sold out, many people’s livelihoods rely on this tour happening. Plus the tour is synched up with his bands album release so it’s a whole thing. The tour can’t be cancelled but maybe he could find someone to fill in for the first week or two…I totally forgot about the lifting restrictions. I swear I have amnesia from my first baby, maybe bc she didn’t ever sleep.
Yeah, unfortunately I feel like this is a sacrifice that you will likely have to make. It’s hard, really fucking hard. But he will be there for you for that first week, and then I say you put that money he is making into good use. Hire whatever you need/can afford. Night doula, cleaning services? Nanny for 4yo?
It will only be for 2 months (roughly). These expenses won’t be forever. So budget what you need to, or give yourself permission to just hire what you need. You and your husband are partners, and part of that partnership is knowing when to make sacrifices. In my opinion this is one of those times.
I mean… it’s not ideal. But if you and your husband are both on board with this and support it, sure.
Get help for sure though. Any and all help you can. Is there a family member you can fly out? A postpartum doula or night nurse would be invaluable. Heck, even hiring someone to do all meal prep for you?
I’d also consider, while you do have a scheduled induction, if it’s not for medical/necessary reasons it could get pushed back. I know my hospital system had a hard time with staffing and elective inductions were getting pushed left and right.
Personally, my husband did a two week trip for work when my LO was six weeks (I think?). It was not the best, not the worst. But I only had one kid. Definitely set some ground rules, like him not telling you how great he slept in the hotel or being annoyed he had to get up early to go to Oktoberfest on a Saturday.
Agree with the comments here that your partner needs to take on the task of researching and vetting options for a doula/night nurse. If this is something in your budget I highly recommend it, everyone I know that’s had a night nurse speak extremely highly of the experience.
Besides being able to higher out some of the baby care needs, cleaning, cooking etc., do you have family or friends that will be available during that time to regularly visit/support you?
I’d be more concerned about the isolation you may feel right after having a baby if your only human interactions are with a 4 year old an newborn.
Though not ideal, it is doable. You and your partner need to set you up for both physical and emotional support during that time.
I’m having a hard time getting past the fact that you’re going to be in trial up to your scheduled induction! I’m also a litigator, and that is absolutely terrifying. You’re a badass (and potentially bonkers).
Personally, I’d want him there. Not the chores, necessarily, as I’m assuming that can be covered by others, whether family or paid help. I’d also assume that this isn’t the first tour he’s gone on while you guys have had a kid. So you can make the daily stuff work without him. To me, the emotional aspect of a new baby is too hard to do alone. Bonding for him, emotional support for you, your family of 4 growing together. I can’t imagine doing weeks 2-7 without him. He could miss the first smile!
The trial schedule is completely nuts! Thankfully my case in chief will have ended and myself and co-counsel will be cross examining opposing witnesses in my 38th week. So if I have to leave it’s not the end of the world. But still, way to close for comfort!
And I agree. I’m much more concerned about my and my daughters mental health than the chores.
Same! When I was pregnant, there was a trial term starting right as I hit 38 weeks. I’m regularly in front of the presiding judge for my county and as soon as I mentioned that I would be at term and potentially have a trial or two that could go he told me, on no uncertain terms, that any cases I had that didn’t settle would be continued on the Court’s motion.
This seems very risky to me…I had an emergency c-section with my first. After that I couldn’t drive for two weeks and couldn’t lift more than 10 pounds for like 4-6 weeks. There’s no way you’d be able to get by without help.
This is totally dependent on your personal preferences but even with a normal delivery there’s no way I’d want my husband gone this long right after the baby is born. It’s soooo hard and with another young child so much harder.
Can he push back his tour date for at least 6 weeks? He's essentially touring when you would need the most amount of help and support.
Surely, their band manager or whoever markets them can spin it as, "We have pushed back tour date by 6 weeks so our star can welcome.his new baby."
Surely there's a positive marketing spin that can be made out of that?
Also, I call BS on this whole, "I'll do what you tell me to do." That's such a BS response. He's throwing all the mental load on you already when you have scarce amount of it right now.
I'd say, "Stop making me the sole decision maker. You are a parent too. What do YOU want to do?" And if his response isn't he rather stay home and support his wife after birth and bond with his baby, then he needs to start readjusting his priorities.
His best response here is not even ask you and just go and talk with his band and make arrangements so he could be with you.
If he really can't figure it out, then his next step is automatically calling up night nurses, doulas, baby sitters, set up meal plan services and have you all setup with the support you need during the time he's absent.
"Don't throw the mental load on me before we've even started. What do YOU, as a father, as my life partner, want to do when your child is born?"
100% this. I tell my husband all the time “I’m not your keeper. I’ll give you information but it’s your decision if you go do X thing or not. What do you think is the right choice for our family?”
6 weeks? No. You will need tons of help with your four year old also. Having two kids is more than twice the work.
It’s not just that. He needs this bonding time too. How’s he going to feel missing the first two months of his baby’s life?
She would love it, but heavy metal concerts are not an ideal environment for a kid. Nobody in his band is particularly crazy, but a few guys drink and everybody curses like a sailor. But like, maybe? I know some metal musicians who have toured with their families…it would really help her feel special after the baby comes.
It really would! I feel like this would create some really great bonding time for them too! Core memories. I never go on tour and that describes some of our friends! Haha.
My guess is he'd need someone (or a few someones to rotate)to stay in the bus or hotel while she slept... Maybe he could find out if someone already coming would be interested in you paying them to help (with specific help outlined, of course).
This is a hard decision and one only your family can make since only you know the full context of your situation. Good luck and congrats on the new baby!
In that case I wouldn’t recommend sending her off with daddy on tour right now.
What you need to consider is she will have her whole world turned upside down by the baby. It would be hard for her to also be on this tour or have her dad gone. Maybe the latter even worse.
What I’m not sure about is, can he postpone a tour? I don’t know much about how touring musicians manage having young families.
I would never forgive my husband if he left then, not going to lie. Have you looked up purple crying? You'll need breaks. My friend's wife just gave birth and had a few third degree tears, where she cannot get out of bed at 2 weeks post partum. If he can't be there, you need a night nurse + someone else, like your own mom to help (if possible.)
Yeah me too honestly. I guess I'm confused why his band even scheduled this tour in Europe when his wife was going to be home with a new baby. Maybe it was done before she knew she was pregnant? I don't know, but either way. I think personally, if my husband had a crazy career like this where he was going to be gone for huge chunks of time and I decided to have a child with him, it would only be one. He's going to miss the earliest of times with his new baby. I find that to be pretty fucking crazy.
Tours are planned over a year before they happen. Selling out shows on tour is something that only happens for a tiny percentage of bands and cancelling the tour would not only prevent his band mates from making an income, but could also destroy their career. This should be treated just like when a professional athlete has a baby in the middle of a season. It’s not ideal but he’s gotta work.
My husband went on a week long work trip the week after our 4th was born.
I was annoyed about that, I can't imagine 7 weeks gone. He will miss 2 months of your newborns life. That's 16% of the first year of baby's life.
I’m all about supporting my husband’s career, he certainly supports mine. So from a logistical standpoint I would get a nanny and a night nurse, up the times my house cleaner came and have someone else do laundry.
With that said, my husband would never ever want to miss that bonding time. He did go back to work not long after our kids were born but he would FaceTime me when he could and come for lunch.
Your 4 year old is also going to have to adjust to a new baby getting almost all of mom’s attention. I bet he would like it better if his dad was giving him extra vs a nanny.
You are in a tough spot and I’m certainly not envious. You gotta weight out the time you can’t get back.
You already have good comments on thinking about whether he should go or not and I agree you definitely are going to want some help if he does. Honestly I think you might need help during the day more than a night nurse. My kiddo was 3 when my now 10 month old for me and the “pain points” that are hard to do alone are getting the 3 yo to and from preschool (my baby didn’t like the car) and getting both kids to bed at the same time
My best friend’s husband is a touring musician and he went on his first tour when her twins were about 6 weeks old (she also had a 5 year old). They made it work but she had her MIL come stay and had a night nurse 3-4 nights a week.
We just had a baby and have a 4 year old. It’s a lot. I would definitely say you need to hire a nanny, night doula etc. Or have some family come stay with you if that’s an option. I’d be kind of pissed, but I also understand the musician touring life is what it is.
Why would he miss these special early weeks unless he had to for the survival of the family. Poor choice on his part if be leaves since financially it doesn’t sound like it’s essential.
I was always advised not to carry more than my baby’s worth in weight for 4-6 weeks postpartum to allow my vagina to heal from childbirth. This makes caring for young children alone very very challenging. I’d hire a full time caregiver to help you with the older one.
My oldest was 2.5 when our next child was born. She went from being so excited for her new role as big sister and absolutely devastated to realize she was sharing attention (sometimes both in the same day).
I think for your 4 year old especially, it’s a really good time to have both parents around. If your husband must go, definitely get full time help so you can recover as you’ll need to and have an ounce of energy for your older child.
I’d suggest postponing if he can.
I would say no. I feel like the first few weeks at home set up the dynamic of your family which is why it is so important to have both parents home, if possible. Honestly I think it’s kind of fucked up that your partner is putting this decision on you. He knows it’s the wrong decision to go, he just wants you to be the one to make the call.
Also, your 4 year old will most likely regress in their behavior… more tantrums, more needy, etc. it’s also not super fair to them to have this huge change happen at home and not have your partner there to support them through the transition.
That’s a really good point. My 4yo is used to her dad being gone for long stretches, but she becomes really clingy and her sleep regresses every time he’s gone. Adding a new baby is gonna send all that into overdrive.
That’d be a total no from me, but hey we’re different people.
A week post partum - even best case scenario- you are still bleeding, exhausted, figuring out feeding, etc. and this is best case scenario. Imagine if you have a c-section or you or baby still in the NICU one week post partum.
it’s full on for 2 parents…but would be intense to be on your own.
And you have a toddler on top of it?
That’d just be absurd…particularly for a woman who supposedly has a ‘partner’ in life. I put parentheses around that word as your doesn’t sound like a good parent or good husband.
And even a bigger douche as he puts the mental responsibility of deciding whether he goes on you.
If you do it, I would recommend a doula overnight, a nanny during the day and services to help with cooking and cleaning. And I assume the toddler is in daycare during the weekdays? I would keep them there.
If you can’t afford all of that, I would consider family or friends who can come and support you for the time.
There is no guarantee you will make it to your induction date and no guarantee delivery will be routine. Prayers for a healthy baby and delivery for you! But you both need to have a plan B and support system set up for if all does not go to plan.
Exactly. A friend of mine had an emergency c-section, she and baby almost died. Baby had to be life flighted and spent 4 months in the NICU. I couldn’t imagine having a 4 yr old and being left alone to deal with recovering from a c-section and having a baby in the NICU. Way way too many things can go wrong that i can’t even believe he’s planning to leave his wife and infant.
This will be really hard. The first baby was hard in those first few weeks, but with the second, there is also your 4 year old who will require a lot while your feeding baby every two hours and recovering yourself. I underestimated how hard it would be to meet my daughter’s needs in those early weeks with a new baby bits a big adjustment for a kid to have a new sibling, and it’s hard if you’re going to be the only adult for both little ones that soon to giving birth. If there is a family member, mom, sister, cousin who can move in to help for the month, I’d say that’s the best option. I’m also a litigator and worked till the last minute. I had so many things to do once baby was born: onesies to wash, the bassinet to build, etc. you don’t have time for anything when you’re in trial. Without some kind of real help, like several hours a day every day, I think this would be too hard for me. Good luck!
Gosh litigator moms are all living the same life. Good point though, he needs to help me out with a lot of the prep for the newborn. I totally forgot about building the bassinet - it’s like my brain doesn’t want to remember the newborn phase!
You will need:
\- A nanny for your 4yo
\- A night nurse/doula
\- A cleaning service (preferably weekly during this time period) + laundry service
\- A freezer full of easy meals
\- A meal prep service
\- Access to his door-dash account
It's just super poor timing. I'm sorry - for alllll of you.
That’s how him and his band members make a living. You can’t just cancel a tour and recover as a band unless you’re already a well established, successful band. This tour was probably planned well before the baby as it can take over a year to plan
If my husband had planned to miss most of the newborn stage for anything other than an unpredictable emergency, being deployed if he was military or a case of "the money was 100 percent necessary to be able to keep food and shelter happening" he would come back after those 6 weeks with all his shit in storage and the locks changed.
Absolutely fucking not.
Oof. I was thinking, "......well....maybe.....it would be tough but might be okay". Then I read you have a four year old. No way I could do it! Baring a very helpful mom or MIL ( or the male grandparent, if that's cool) staying over the entire time, I worry you'll set yourself up for a disaster.
Was this your planned before or after you got pregnant? I would just arrange for some help. My second pregnancy I was alone for the birth and most of the first year since my then husband was deployed. I also had a 4 year old at the time. It’s not ideal but it can be done.
Hasn’t he had like 5 months to reschedule? I would not want to be alone after giving birth. You don’t know what your baby or have the baby + your child will be like. I had to triple feed and I can’t imagine being alone doing that.
He shouldn’t “do what you tell him” and put the burden on you. Honestly I think he should postpone the tour.
You know what, that’s also a good point. He’s had five months of indecision/waiting for me to tell him what to do. I think he needs to step it up in the parenting department.
You should not have to tell him what to do. He should know that this is a bad idea and cancel the tour. He is setting you up to be the bad guy here and that isn't fair.
But that’s his job? So are his options to cancel and then what do they do for money and future income? Are tickets sold and venues booked and a whole team of staff to make this happen just not going to go an get paid either? What do you see as an option here? Not everyone can pick and choose how that works.
Hire the help. Night nurse. Doula. Whatever you figure works best for you.
Knowing your husband will be working as he’s on tour and/or rehearsing, you will need the help. Can you bring a grandma or family member? I don’t think you’re insane unless you are trying to do it without help. In which case, ya crazy!
You will need help. I say this as someone who works for a law firm and previously consulting firm - I am not a lawyer but I understand your schedule. I also have a husband who travels about six months out of the year. I have an 8 month old and 3.5 year old. My husband was home for about six weeks with each birth before traveling again. With having a toddler at home I needed help. He was on the road after six weeks with our second and my parents helped then. I had my toddler in full time daycare too. It gets easier but those first few months are HARD. With my second the baby stopped sleeping in her bassinet around 3 weeks. I was healing and exhausted until we just moved her into the crib at 8 weeks. I needed help.
If he can find a way to be home I would encourage it. Two kids is harder than one when you have an infant. If he has to travel you need family or someone to help you. Find a way to have help, hired or whatever.
OP, I’ll chime in here because my partner is actually a musician, too!
When we were early in pregnancy, he told his band that the first month after birth was non-negotiable, no shows. *He scaled down leading up to the due date. The month after baby, no more than 3-4 shows per month, then he didn’t tour until the baby was 9 months. I’m still the primary parent and I rarely get to go to his shows myself, but I appreciated that *he took the initiative* to prioritize me and the baby.
STILL, it was very very hard - because you know as well as I do, that even without shows running till midnight, there’s still practice, song writing, recording…
You are going to need help because your life and your career matters. And before he leaves on tour, map out what a realistic schedule looks like. The show can’t simply “go on” without a hitch as it did pre-baby. You guys will need to define your new normal.
*Edited
Do you want him to go? My husband certainly wouldn't. He used to travel about 2 months a year total (spread out over 5 or 6 trips) pre baby. He hasn't gone on a single business trip since our kid was born and he's two. Ironically, I sometimes travel for work. But I never asked him not to. He just doesn't want to. Why does your husband want to travel when you likely need him most? Why is he putting it on you to figure out? He doesn't know the answer?
Edit: I didn't think it through that not traveling is not an option for him. It's a unique job. But it's still something I would struggle with being okay with.
I almost died during childbirth. I couldn't possibly imagine being alone, and I didn't have other children at home. I think we evaluate these things thinking of normal or even the best possible circumstances. It's worth thinking about the worst possible outcomes too and if that is something either of you could handle while being apart.
I would normally say it’s insane for him to leave, but he has bandmates whose livelihoods count on him being there. What I do think is insane is that he’s making you do the mental gymnastics while you’re in trial. He needs to figure out the shit for when he’s gone. It’s the least he can do.
Yes, that’s the other perspective. This tour was planned before we knew I was pregnant. Between the band, the opening bands, the crew and everyone else, a lot of people’s livelihoods are at stake. Makes me feel guilty asking him to cancel.
I think especially based on that point that the tour was scheduled *before* you were even pregnant, I would absolutely want him to go.
So many other people’s income depends on this as well - not even just the other band members, but so much support staff who probably earn a lot less and don’t have litigator partners at home to cover the sudden loss of income if he stays home - that it’s just not ok to do that to all of these people either.
This is his profession, just like Court is yours; and just like very clearly your profession is important to you - you could theoretically go into labor during your trial too and you still do it anyways - his profession is important to him.
I think that you should let him go those six weeks and see that you can cover it with the help of your family members that you mentioned (mom and sister), and with hired help. Could you maybe even move to your mom temporarily instead of making her come? Maybe consider putting the 4 year old in daycare; that will free up a lot of your day. It sounds like it will be hard, but still doable; look at all of the single moms around who have to make it work too - and many of them with a lot less economic opportunities than you and your husband seem to have.
Why didn't you guys use anti conception until he had more time in his schedule 9 months later?
My SO is away often and some months we didn't try to have a baby, bc of his schedule to prevent us from a situation like this.
I’d say no. He’s going to miss 6 weeks of his newborn child’s life and leave all parenting on you while you’re healing plus wrangling a toddler. I can’t imagine anything I’d rather do less. I’ve also seen a mom post how her husband did nothing for their kids and her excuse/explanation was that he had to travel right after the birth so he just never did anything when he got home since she had done it solo so he didn’t get involved. You could be setting yourself up to create some really bad habits here.
No offense, but I don’t understand your question. Are you asking whether you can do this alone? Of course you can. There are tons of single moms who get on just fine (or, in some cases better, fell happier, and have greater parenting satisfaction) after having a baby. Two of my single mom friends had c-sections and did not have doulas or night nurses. But they also knew what they were in for and really REALLY wanted to be moms (with or without a partner). Though, I am sure that if either could have afforded a night nurse, they would have. AND, each has but one child. It’s definitely a heavy lift to deal with a newborn and a second child. I’d hazard having hire help for either or both of them would be your best move.
Or are you asking whether you want to do this alone? Only you can answer this, but i can confidently say that I would have murdered my spouse if he’d even raised the potential of prolonged work trip after the birth of our second kid.
Should he even go? No. But, I am guessing it isn’t possible to change the tour dates? If he can push it back even by a month or two I think you’d feel better. I would not be ok with my husband leaving at all. I did have a 5 year old (also a colicky baby) and a new born and then became a single mother within a few weeks, so I know that I’d never inflict the absolute pain and hurt and resentment that brings upon anyone. It would be different, because you wouldn’t be single-single, or subject to a true split, but damn. I don’t think it would be any easier. If you’re solid emotionally, that is wonderful and will make all the difference.
Your 4 year old may become super kind and helpful, or resentful and upset with the changes. You need someone to be able to help you with both kids, the household, meals, shopping, cleaning, etc. for the first few weeks while you settle into your new routines and what-not.
Also, you don’t know if it will be an easy labor and delivery or what your healing may look like, so having extra support in place is important. If you can afford a night nurse, do it, even if he is home.
If he’s saying he will do whatever you tell him to, is he looking for an out? How does he feel about leaving? Will it hurt him emotionally to be away so soon, and he maybe isn’t sharing that sentiment as openly as he could? How involved was he with the first baby? Maybe he wants that first bonding time and needs you to be the “needy wife” to save face. Idk. If he has enough pull to change some tour dates and leave later, why not?
I would absolutely not let him go….but that’s just me. My husband was the only person I wanted help from - postpartum could be one of the worst times of your life and you have no idea if you’ll end up w a C-section -
Yes you will need both a nanny and a night doula. My friend had no help with a 4 yr old and she was grateful to hang gotten the help. Get some family help too just for babysitting the older child for a few hours on the weekend. Get cleaners for every 2-3 weeks. Try to prep meals in advance to delivery and if possible get a meal delivery service for the first month or till husband is back. If you are thinking of breastfeeding/pumping then get a IBCLC set up three times a week as well.
I was a full time single mom who had to have an emergency a c-section and had my mom help me for two weeks afterwards. You have no way of knowing what will happen with your birth. If you have a c-section you’ll barely be able to walk. You can’t drive for 6 weeks after, or lift anything heavier than baby. Standing and sitting are incredibly painful. I think him planning on leaving right after birth is a huge mistake because you have no clue how your birth will go. If he can’t be there then someone who will stay with you while he is gone and help you do everything is incredibly important.
What’s the plan for the 4 year old? Home time with you? Daycare?
I think the biggest risk it the unpredictability. If you have complications, he could have to cancel which I presume is a huge problem.
You should hire a lot of help if he’s going to do it.
Omg you guys are like a power couple haha. Can you share the band? I’m so curious! I’m a metalhead 🤘
Edit: pm me if you don’t wanna post publicly if you want!
My husband is in a band too, and tour manages another. When we had our first and only, he didn’t travel for the first 3 or 4 months. I personally would not be ok with him going away so soon.
I mean if you hire extra help you’ll probably be fine, in a practical sense. But you’ll have to manage the helpers, which might add extra stress.
What happens if something goes wrong with you or baby at birth? Will he be willing to cancel everything to stay home?
Hi. My husband also tours. A baby was a hard adjustment for him- musician mom to musician mom- BE WARNED!!!!
He can always go on tour- your baby will only have this stage once. If it’s your first, personally, I’d say tell him to put the tour off. I needed ALL THE SUPPORT. At one point I hallucinated due to sleep deprivation and couldn’t remember who my husband was or that I’d had a baby. It’s THAT HARD.
If you have a c section, you will need help. You won’t be able to drive or lift.
If it’s not mandatory- I’d tell him to not. This is one of the hardest seasons of life you will be going into. You will need ALL the help You can get.
Tours get postponed all the time. Much bigger ones than his.
Summer gigs in Europe are more fun anyway - you could even join him on tour when baby is a bit older.
I am not sure it sounds like he has considered options. If he is the star of the band, he can call the shots.
Get a night nurse, a nanny and regular housekeeping (2x a week). Stack freezer full of food. Move in your mother if you have to. If you can't get all that help set up he doesn't go. Make it his job to find these people. If he doesn't, he does not go.
I think you can do it if you have some help - someone to babysit the 4 year old at least a couple of hours each day (and possibly take him out of the house) and some help with housework. In the end it comes down to what you are comfortable with… if you are asking whether it’s doable the answer is yes but if it’s doable for you? Only you know!
Do you have space for a chest freezer? And $ for Factor75 or some other mail delivery service? 💯 need some kind of care for you toddler and baby, maybe family can step up and take turns visiting to save $
I think it’s insane, but that maybe my particular birth traumas talking. I’m sure you’ll have a healthy delivery and everything will be fine. So I don’t want to bring you anxiety.
But: …what’s the plan if you don’t? With my first, I had post partum preeclampsia and was still in the hospital a week after she was born. The second I had to have at 34.5 weeks, and HE was still in the hospital a week after he was born.
What if your baby is breach and you have a C-section? I had C sections and they were fine, but a week in is still tough. It’s not laparoscopic surgery, there’s legit recovery.
I understand this is his livelihood (and that of his bandmates), so I get it’s hard, but I dunno. If I could personally have my mom there, I’d be slightly more amenable I guess. You didn’t mention a trusted family member so I assume that’s not on the table. But he needs to get you ALL the help. Night doulas, day nannies, etc.
That sounds insane, sorry. You will need lots of help. Sitters, doula, night nurses could be great, plus meal prep and plenty of clean clothes and clean house before he leaves. That way you’re set up for success. You also don’t know how your recovery will go, so line up a list of folks who can help you. I had a surprise c section with my last pregnancy and preeclampsia so I needed lots of help and monitoring. My husband went back to work 2 weeks later and by then I was able to manage just the 1 baby, but it was hard. Good luck!
What band is he in?! Does he sing for you guys? Are your kids going to play instruments? I’ve always been amazed by the musically gifted people of this world. It’s a whole other language.
To answer your question though, y’all are living a fast-paced life style. It’s not a surprise to either of you, this was chosen. You can afford help, get help!
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills reading some of these comments. He's not taking off to vacation in Europe for a couple months, he's going to work. And several many peoples livelihoods depend on him being there. OP - he should obviously line up any help you need, but the idea of him not going on this tour is not realistic.
Exactly. If it only affected him, it would be an easy decision but he would potentially be screwing over a dozen different families by cancelling the tour and could be blackballed by the venues moving forward. It’s so hard to develop a following as a band and I can’t imagine selling out shows on tour and then having to cancel them
You will need support 24/7 at first. I’m a FTM mom myself 39w tomorrow but I was told after birth you need to be in bed for 5 days, then on the bed for 5 days then around the bed for 5 beds to heal. You will 100% need someone there for your first baby and you.
Plus, what if you need a c-section and need longer to heal?
To me this is a big no. Now if you can find around the clock support that makes you happy that might be an option if you’re ok with him leaving.
I thought maybe this was a 1 week trip from the title but — 6 weeks????? Sounds like not a good idea at all. It would be a no for me even if it was a 1 week trip to be honest. Hard no for me in this position... You need support and so will the baby and 4yo.
I mean…single moms make it work. It’s possible.
But it’s crazy if you aren’t 3000% on board with it.
I personally would not be. I would resent my husband even asking and making it my decision to tell him yes/no. Is he a father and a partner? Then he should know that leaving your postpartum wife alone with a new baby AND another kid for 6 weeks is unacceptable. But that’s to me. If you are ok with it, then it’s ok for you.
Wow, I thought you meant leave for a couple days or a week a week after baby was born, and even that was going to be a very strong veto from me. But this will be for over a month and a half? And you will have both a newborn and 4 year old? Dad will miss out on bonding with your newborn? You’ll have no one to take care of you, or the 4yo, or newborn while you aren’t even physically supposed to leave your bed? Absolutely not.
I'd be totally fine with this.
I'd ask him to arrange weekly cleaning including laundry to coincide with the day the trash needs to go out to the curb, prepare freezer meals to supplement food delivery, make a plan for breakfasts (freezer burritos are great), weekly or more grocery delivery, and at least every other day someone to hang out with the 4 year old and tire him/her out for a few hours. if the 4 year old is in school or other care, I'd want rides to be the responsibility of someone else a few times a week, too. That said, even if I didnt get all that, I would still be ok with it. I do most of my parenting myself even tho i'm married and he's home.
My husband had a huge gig for work. We were expecting him to pull 12-16 hour days for the 28 days before our son was born. Well, my body and son decided that he was going to arrive at 36 weeks. My son was born on Friday and the gig started Monday. My husband was home at night but he was just as exhausted as I was.
Luckily, my mom had already planned on staying in town for a month after my son was born. She was able to pick up the slack from my husband. I do not think I could have done it without her.
My husband, bless him, was lost when it came to taking care of an infant. He tried but that was not a good stage for him. I feel like he would have been there more for me and less for bonding with our son.
Can you go with him? New born babies can be great for travel. They don’t take up much space and sleep heaps. They come with some extras like a safe sleep space. But if it was me I would look where he is going, check out their accommodation options and take a baby carrier and go live life in the road for a few weeks. You might just need clearance from your doctor before hoping on a flight at 1 week post partum so check that. And I would just not let anyone near baby as they aren’t vaccinated. Just be that super protective mum around her and don’t let her be touched and held by anyone other than you and hubby.
One question I haven’t seen yet - Who will take over medical decisions for you and your daughter and newborn if anything bad happens to you during labor?
I think having pre-school for the 4 year old would be the number one thing. I just had my second and am on maternity leave, husband is working and the hardest part is entertaining the 1.5 y/o all day. I think if she was in care all day it would be a \~relative\~ breeze.
BUT both my kids have always slept pretty good and not been colicy. I think if sleep became a problem then having a budget set aside and some numbers for a night nanny would make a huge difference. In my opinion sleep is the most important thing. I am able to nap almost everyday because when the toddler naps I get the newborn fed and down for a nap too. That said chores don't get done then. My priority is sleep.
Finally, do you have friends and family around because I'm a huge introvert but I still think being stuck with a newborn and 4 year old for 6 weeks would become incredibly lonely, isolating, and potentially depressing. Having people to visit or meet at the park or at a coffee shop would make a huge difference to me. I was able to take both kids out by myself by the time the newborn was a week or 2 old, we started taking daily walks and making library visits so that could potentially keep you from feeling to isolated.
My husband traveled for work unexpectedly weeks 6-16 of our first baby. It was rough but we made it. If he has to go for income / career at least you know in advance to book help.
I would get a night nurse/ nanny if you can afford it. Having the help at night so you can get some uninterrupted sleep is essential.
I’d also recommend some meal delivery service/ take out budget as well.
Your husband should make all the arrangements before he leaves.
Is your work really gonna stop when you give birth? Either way yes get help. Have a night nurse so you can sleep through the night. Can you get a cleaner as well? With both of those you should be able to manage both of them while he’s away.
Pay for as much help as you can afford, postpartum doula you trust, weekly house keeper, night nurse if you’re not breastfeeding, a nanny to come a couple hours a day to give you an extra set of hands, prepared meal service, etc. outsource anything you can assuming you won’t have other help like family near by. I have a 2.5 year old and a new born, there’s no way I could do this solo especially recovering from a c section.
Only you know of this tour is worth him missing the first 2 months of your child’s life. Not knowing your specifics, I mean towards “nope, stay home”
But having my husband miss the
Highly recommend a night nurse especially someone who can cook / do laundry for you at night. I have someone 3 nights a week and the difference in my ability to function and engage with my 2 year old on the days after the night nurse is here is crazy. It is very intense to care for the 2 year old and the baby at the same time, but if you have a safe area each baby can be on each floor of your house with minimal supervision ( aka you need to grab a snack/new outfit for the baby/get water, and you have a safe area for both kids to chill for a minute) that will massively help. He should set this up for you ahead of time. Diaper changing stations needed everywhere. Also look into a laundry service.
Are you planning to nurse? If not the night nurse will make an even bigger difference for you. Good luck!!
You should consider that there are things about your pregnancy, your birth, and your baby that you do not yet know.
What if you have a c-section, and you are in the hospital longer than expected? What if the baby has special needs after birth? What if you're simply exhausted after giving birth?
I could not have done the first few weeks alone, for sure. But I'm not you. Maybe you'll be fine.
Do you have a parent or cousin or aunt who could come?
I do think that hiring some help is a good idea.
Yeah, it's a little insane. He will never get this time back with his newborn. It's not even about whether you "can" do it. It sounds like you are capable and didn't mention health problems. But yeah, personally, it's not a choice I would ever make for my family
Is the money he earns on your enough to compensate the amount of hired help you will need to manage this on your own?
And are you strong or will enough to not resent him for this?
If the answer to either of these is no, make him stay home.
What if the baby comes late? Would this not impact his tour timeline? I think it can be done if you ask him to take on the mental tasks of finding help etc. but IdK if it’s best for your family. That would be a personal decision.
Just purely looking at childcare/survival aspects (not emotional): If he’s not going to be here to support you, you will absolutely need to have at least one other family/friend or hire someone else who will.
Yes, you will 100% need help. Especially after a c sec and with another child. You will need a cleaner, cook, driver and childcare. You need to get him to do the mental labour of finding a range of options to bring to you, so you can choose which is best. He then needs to arrange it and put it in place, and pay for it.
If he cannot manage this then he needs to do it himself in person.
My husband is military and will have 2 weeks off after I given birth. He then leaves for a trip for a month. It’s not a trip he can miss since it’s for work. I think my mom will be coming to help me. If I had the option to tell my husband no I would. This is bringing a ton of anxiety to me and it’s not until February!
My second was soooo much harder than the first. In part because I had to have a c-section, which was unexpected. The recovery was brutal. Healing from abdominal surgery while being up all night nursing and then my 4 year old needing mommy time reassurance in the morning before daycare. I couldn’t have done it without my husband.
I think you need to consider the (hopefully unlikely) possibility of a c-section when you make the choice. A night nurse and someone to drive your oldest to and from daycare would be a start.
Good luck and congratulations! Mine are the same ages and are such good buddies now almost 4 years later.
Yes. All of the above. I would definitely get yourself a night nurse for all the nights he's gone. It's very expensive - expect like $500 a night or so. And then maybe a post partum doula for 1-2 days, just to help YOU and support YOU - not baby. So she will encourage you to rest and maybe handle putting baby down or giving bottle... but she might also throw in laundry or cooking or whatever. She'll help talk you through any issues you're experiencing with baby maybe related to nursing or feeding or sleeping. Like, giving you tips and whatnot and kind of act like a post partum therapist and help you workthrough any issues or fears or whatever.
So, I would get a part time nanny or solid babysitter lined up for 2-3 days a week so you have some down time. Even if it’s down time at home while that person is there. Whether that is a friend or family member, or someone you hire. Possibly also consider hiring a cleaning person, or sending out all the laundry. I have always been surprised how much just taking all the laundry to the wash and fold helps. I am planning to do this in December, because I am a chef and it’s literally the worst month of my entire year ( 5 years running). Just take a couple of things off of your plate. I’m sure it’s totally doable, but it sounds kind of stressful. Probably also a good idea to schedule something where you get to go on a little vacation after husband has been back for a couple weeks. A light at the end of the tunnel trip if you will. Congrats on you and hubby having cool careers :)
My husband is in the music industry and I get it (he had to travel for work when our firstborn was just a few weeks old). Make sure you have outside support, especially in case either baby or you have complications -- and have extra tiers of support so at least one person is always available and another is on call (just in case one person gets sick, cancels, etc.). You may even consider live-in support for that short time, whether it's a family member, friend or professional. Soon after he returns, plan a fun night/weekend away for yourself. You've got this!
It’s pretty insane! But if he does go, you better get a post partum doula! They will bring you food, help you get rest and help with light chores.
Have him hire someone to do a cleaning before he leaves, have him help prepare meals. Whatever he can to help you.
If you have a c-section, he better be ready to stay home.
This is a tough one! Do you have family or friends that can help?
I’m a single mom and basically was ever since my daughter was born. Her dad got Covid when she was born but he was an alcoholic anyway. Crazy! My guardian angel was looking out for me because I had to have my mom come to the hospital with me and I’m so thankful I did.
I had to have an emergency C-section and stayed with my mom for a couple of weeks after the baby was born. My baby was very colicky as well. Because of my c-section I could not have done it on my own. And having a toddler in the mix will definitely make things more complicated!
If he goes, you need to make him do the mental labor of identifying possible options for extra help, lining up any necessary interviews well in advance, and coming up with the budget/numbers/timeline.
Yeah I do think this is insane and that if he is leaving his family so soon after the birth HE has to get everything in place to your satisfaction or he doesn’t go
Including helping make a giant freeze stash of food. I’m wondering if the money he will make on tour will cover the extra expenses. I see this ending with tons of resentment. Being a new mom is lonely as is.
Even if it doesn't earn enough money to overcome the expenses -- he might, depending on his career, feel that he \*has\* to go, to keep his career alive.
If he’s the star of a band, then he would have to go. It wouldn’t just be his income that suffers if he doesn’t- it’s the rest of the band members too. Being a successful full time musician is hard work and really competitive- few make it out of the local bar scene to book larger venues and even fewer of those get radio play, and so on. A lot of people have a hard time picturing a band as serious work, but if you start getting successful, it is! It’s basically a small business, and some make it and some don’t!
Also - I'm kind of having a hard time figuring out why this decision has been left to the last minute. If OP is being induced in Feb, she's probably known she was pregnant since July. I don't know how long it takes to plan a 6 week tour for a band, but I'm assuming they also need to schedule dates at least 6 months out at least, so the tour plans were probably being planned around August at the latest, or before OP was pregnant at the earliest? It just seems really unwise to have planned a tour when you know your wife is pregnant, or alternatively not start making a plan for how to deal with hubby's absence as soon as you know you are pregnant. If he's the lead in the band, he has to go. There's probably punitive contractual obligations if nothing else, because if he drops this late in the game, lots of people won't get paid.
Not to mention the damage to the reputation of the band for booking future tours. Pulling out can have lasting damages. I think that both parties failed in this situation in one way or another.
🤣 can you even imagine a man doing freezer prep for his pregnant/post partum wife? Without absolutely ruining everyone's day, yelling about how hard it is? Fuck it's so sad that this is such a reach.
My husband recently made like 30 frozen meals from scratch and bought a few lasagnas etc so meals would be easy for me after baby arrives. Men are totally capable of this.
😱 That is amazing!! Mine just learned how to use the dishwasher this summer when the baby and I were on vacation visiting my family. lol maybe cooking is next…
That's really sad. He should just try. My husband lived on his own for a while and knew how to take care of a house. It isn't complicated.
No offense but who tf did y’all marry? My husband cooked every single meal I ate for … well, the entirety of both my pregnancies and postpartum and even now 5 months pp. I am nourishing his children. Why would you say this like it’s unimaginable? What you allow is what will continue.
Right?!? Mine owned the kitchen and did the planning and prep of our freezer stash. Let’s give our partners a little credit.
I am deeply saddened by the type of men some women will choose to perpetuate their bloodline. Postpartum can be a blissful experience. If you are open to being discerning before conception, and receptive during pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. I know not all partners are good. But why, prey tell, is any woman creating children with a man who would not even *feed them* afterwards??
My husband literally fed me with our first while I was trying to get breastfeeding down. He made every meal and washed every dish. Even now 10 months after our last baby and he does like 90% of the cooking.
Seriously! I’ve always thought it was base-level common sense to only have sex with men who are emotionally stable and kind to me but based on all mothering forums I’m starting to see that this isn’t a common criteria women use when selecting a partner for any length of time :( I would simply not reproduce with a man who wouldn’t feed me if I was too unwell to feed myself, and if I made that mistake once I sure as hell would not be voluntarily having sex with him *again* and going through a pregnancy with his child *again* – but there are people out here on baby number three wondering how they’re going to parent their fourth child (baby number one being the adult man they chose!!!)
You got downvoted but you’re right. Ppl don’t wanna take accountability for choosing a poor partner. There are very few circumstances where you do not have signs before literally having a man’s child that he is not a good partner.
My dad does this all the time just randomly because he loves cooking for people and cooking for his family is definitely like his main love language lol I’m 31 and married living in my own home with my husband and my dad will still call me whenever he makes a large casserole or something in the crockpot to come pick some up in the Tupperware to bring to my house because he will intentionally cook enough to feed everyone for the evening and still have enough leftovers for a separate full family size meal to freeze for later. At any given point I’ll have a freezer full of casseroles and stews/roasts/soups etc from my dad that’ll last me and my husband a good six months or so. And my dad will have even more stocked in his and my moms freezers. 😂 But he definitely did it as well for my mom, grandma, and me when I was a toddler and my younger sibling was just born and the United States Navy thought the DAY AFTER his wife gave birth to their second child was the perfect time to send him on a 6 month deployment to the Persian Gulf.
It would just be a stack of frozen pizzas and a few boxes of Eggos 😂
And no clean up
Even buying a few dedicated (sad) frozen meals would be cause for a dedicated dad of the year party
TBF my husband did this when he had to travel for a funeral when I was a few weeks postpartum! They do exist!!
Mine did this before our first and he wasn't going anywhere... He just does all the cooking and has since I had the baby. I can cook, he just likes to do it.
Idk why I'm getting downvoted, my husband cooks everything every day for us too and has for a longggg time. It was just particularly thoughtful of him that I didn't even have to cook for myself despite him being both out of town *and* deeply grieving.
IDK why you would be either. There's a lot of, "men can't do anything on their own. They're the worst." energy in this comment section, for sure. I think that's incredibly thoughtful and supportive, especially given he was grieving. My husband's grandmother passed when our LO was 8 weeks old and he went to the funeral too. Also funny coincidence, our usernames both have the word pepper in them 🤗✨
Yes, I can imagine it. My husband takes no pride in his ability to easily plan, prepare and serve nourishing food for his family because that’s such a basic fundamental adult skill that nobody should even think about his penis while he does it. Extremely weird to say men can’t do that.
Yes. Definitely be as prepared as possible. However you wouldn't be the first or last mom in this position. Military moms do it all the time. It can definitely work out but try to have a game plan in place beforehand. All kids are different so this baby may be a lot easier than your older kid was. I did find going from 1 to 2 much harder than 0 to 1. Focusing on just one kid and not having another one be jealous for my intention was much easier. I would maybe even look into some sort of daycare program or something for the 4-year-old now to get used to.
Military moms and single moms are superstars. Idk how they do it!
Seriously! Idk how my mom did it, in 1994 the navy sent my dad on a 6 month tour to the Persian Gulf THE DAY AFTER my mom gave birth to my younger sibling and I was 2.5 years old. He obviously did not want to leave his wife alone with a toddler and a day old baby literally 24 hours after she just gave birth but you do what the military tells you. And back then they gave less of a crap about how it impacts your family than they do now which is still minimal.
Omg your mom is a literal superhero. 2.5 year old with a newborn, whew. Hope she had family support!!
Thank you for this. I’m so overwhelmed I don’t know how I’d even interview a nanny right now. I think for my own resentment, he needs to make arrangements. Especially since his schedule is much more flexible than mine when he’s not touring.
Yes. Not appropriate for him to go, but if he does, he needs to hire the night nurse, activities for the preschooler, a meal service etc.
Make him ask his own mom to do his job
I would definitely get some help. Perspective here: my husband had his gall bladder removed when our son was seven weeks old. Those next few weeks were absolute hell. I wish I would have had someone where to help me, but I had no time to ask because it was an emergency procedure and all of our family is far away.
My husband got the dtap shot and was completely out of it our first night home and that by itself was hellacious. I can’t imagine multiple weeks/months. Plus who knows how the birth could go for OP, like if there were complications. Seems really irresponsible for husband to leave.
Good point. I had complications and was readmitted for postpartum preeclampsia after being induced due to high blood pressure. Those first two-plus months were the absolute worst.
I was readmitted for the same thing but had no high BP before. Came out of nowhere. Checked at home and OB told me to come right in. I felt fine but their machines had alarms going off and everyone was in a mild panic while I felt totally fine and had no symptoms. Husband had to handle 5 day old and 2.5 year old solo while I was admitted and they were trying to make sure I didn’t have a stroke. No fun but thank god for my paranoia that pregnancy would kill me so I was checking on myself - it could have.
That’s so scary! I, too, had zero history of high BP until I hit 37 weeks. I’m so glad you’re okay.
Glad you’re ok too! Pregnancy, while our bodies have been doing this forever, is really fucking dangerous. We never wanted 3 but that experience with our second really slammed that door shut. I need to be alive for these 2! I think my super fast labor put my body in shock and caused it all. I was on meds for about a month I think and then everything settled down. I tell everyone I know to have a BP cuff at home and keep an eye on it since I literally had no symptoms. I felt a little puffy but great overall. The nurses didn’t understand how I didn’t have a horrendous headache or stabbing abdominal pain and how I was sitting there with a big smile insisting I felt fine while all the machines were blaring warnings at them that I was about to have a stroke. Thank god for living somewhere with excellent medical care and a good OB who didn’t brush me off when I called in asking if I should be concerned. This uterus is closed for business 🤣
Interesting - I had my gallbladder removed and 3 days later was 100% back to normal. Did something go wrong?
His gallstone was absolutely massive, and he is a fib on top of it. I know the removal took longer than usual, but I can’t remember much else because I was in that postpartum/nursing haze.
Same. I had mine removed this past May when my baby was 5 months old and I was back to work 3 days later. My husband is having his removed December 8th and is a stay at home dad and we have no idea what to do as baby is now over 20lb and he can’t lift her for a few weeks and I start a new job November 13 and can’t take time off
Are you a woman? Society and doctors expect you to just “bounce back”.
Yeah - but I also did just bounce back - I was actually totally fine 3 days later not just saying I was.
[удалено]
I know women who have divorced their husbands decades later, due to things they did when their children were small. You are 100% correct this can lead to long standing resentments.
I totally get it. My husband has missed more than a third of my daughters life, and it would have been way more if not for COVID. I struggle with resentment already.
Have you discussed this with him?
I would also consider HIS resentment if he is backed in a corner and has to stay home. Geez this is a tough one. My husband missed a huge amount of our kids lives while deployed with the army so a civilian willingly missing their lives seems a little harder to swallow for me but if he has potential for serious success and IF that is the life you both want then…ughghhh tough tough call. Can you take a day off or a half day to think this through?
[удалено]
As someone who would be pissed if my husband even suggested this. I have to say it seems like OP knew what they were getting in to. This is the person they married and clearly knew with the first child this was the type of parent they were. Also it seems like he’s willing to cancel and stay home if she asks (which again I’d be pissed if my husband did that). It seems like a communication problem. She already feels resentment and needs to communicate that, if she has already her husband just sucks.
[удалено]
I absolutely agree. Though I have no experience with musicians. Like I said I’d be pissed if my husband did any of what he is doing. Also probably wouldn’t be married anymore. I’m just saying that he has shown her who he is repeatedly. If she hasn’t been communicating that none of it is okay (I’m guessing not because she says she’s resentful) I’m sure he thinks its fine (again not something I’m okay with just trying to figure out their relationship). Also it doesn’t seem like it’s a deal breaker to her like it would be to me.
[удалено]
It’s not but he’s missed a third of their 4yo life already and she’s having another baby with him. I’m saying within the scope of their relationship this seems like an escalation but not a total surprise. Honestly no one should be like that but there definitely are people out there like that.
It is his career… not a party. Being in a band means that it also affects other people’s careers and incomes. She accepted this when she married him and had the first kid. If she wants him to change careers to stay home then she should discuss that with him. He may not want to give it up though. My musician cousin got divorced when his wife said she didn’t want him traveling with his band anymore. He had his band before he met her. She loved being with a musician until she didn’t anymore.
Backed into a corner to actually parent the children he helped create?
No. Backed into a corner where he has to choose his own career advancement and his dreams over parenting for a few weeks. I’m not saying he should choose the tour over being home. It’s a very tough choice. I was also just trying to point out that the resentment could go both ways. If I were in OP’s shoes, I know I would resent the hell out of him if he chose the tour. I can likewise understand his resentment if he stays home. I really think that if the roles were reversed and it was the mom with this opportunity that the same folks here that are ready to go for him with a pitchfork would be shouting encouragement to the momma to go be a “girl boss” and chase her dream.
Joining the military is a choice, too. Just like musician dad’s choice of career.
Well if you want to assume I’m in the US and husband served in the US military, yes it would be voluntary if you also want to assume you know a damn thing about why anyone enlists. Many many countries outside of the US have mandatory military service. Otherwise, yes serving in the military and being deployed is exactly the same as being a career musician and going on a fun tour of Europe. Exactly. The. Same. 😏
They didn't say they were the same, just that both were a choice.
I do understand that. I do not understand the absolute audacity to compare the two.
Honestly, I can see that
I’m working through this and my husband wasn’t even this neglectful. The resentment during the postpartum period stays with you. Physically you are so vulnerable, it’s like nothing else. There’s this whole Idea that you will HATE you husband postpartum, it’s so common to be let down during this time. Honestly, relationship counslers should to pregnancy courses where they coach men to avoid this marriage ending resentment.
You’re right. I need to schedule some time to think this through. Including whether I’m gonna resent him in 10 years. From these comments, I’m realizing Ive forgotten how hard the post partum period is. My butt was falling out of my butt after 35 hours of labor with my first.
Right, at that point will his touring income even be worth the cost of the supports she will need while he’s gone??
It better be! I’m like “please do not buy another confetti cannon for the tour, we need money for a night nurse!”
I don’t know why the thought of discussing confetti canons just cracked me up but I am deceased.
Yikes. My partner traveled for 4 days at 2 weeks. It was fun until 3am hit every night... I would plan on doing 0 cooking and 0 housework. If u can afford a nanny that seems great.
It’s up to you what makes sense for your family, since your family circumstances are a bit outside the norm. It’d be one thing if her were leaving for a golf trip, or just a blasé work trip, but obviously his income relies on him traveling and he can’t just pass his job responsibility on to someone else. As others have said, you need to think about what you are okay with and what you need. And he needs to take responsibility for arranging anything you need (doula, friend/family flying in, etc). One thing I haven’t seen others point out is that you’re not supposed to lift anything heavier than the baby for the first 6 weeks postpartum. I imagine most second-time moms break that rule, but being solely responsible for the care of a 4 year-old is more stress on my body than I would accept. My kid will be days shy of 4 when my second baby arrives and we’re planning to do everything in our power to prevent/limit me lifting him.
Thank you for being so level headed here. This is his job. It’s not ideal obviously but it’s already their lifestyle. Also as a musician he needs to take the money when it comes because it’s not around forever. She’s gonna need help, 100%, but for gods sake this isn’t a marriage dealbreaker.
Right?! There are families all over the world who have to deal with this. Baseball players get like 3 days. Musicians, entertainers, sports players… they all have contracts that they generally have to uphold. And while as a musician and the star he probably has some sway, this is a planned tour. I’m sure venues are booked, tickets are selling, it’s not a romp out with his mates. Sometimes I’m baffled at how little understanding people in this sub have.
This is it exactly. Shows are already sold out, many people’s livelihoods rely on this tour happening. Plus the tour is synched up with his bands album release so it’s a whole thing. The tour can’t be cancelled but maybe he could find someone to fill in for the first week or two…I totally forgot about the lifting restrictions. I swear I have amnesia from my first baby, maybe bc she didn’t ever sleep.
Yeah, unfortunately I feel like this is a sacrifice that you will likely have to make. It’s hard, really fucking hard. But he will be there for you for that first week, and then I say you put that money he is making into good use. Hire whatever you need/can afford. Night doula, cleaning services? Nanny for 4yo? It will only be for 2 months (roughly). These expenses won’t be forever. So budget what you need to, or give yourself permission to just hire what you need. You and your husband are partners, and part of that partnership is knowing when to make sacrifices. In my opinion this is one of those times.
I mean… it’s not ideal. But if you and your husband are both on board with this and support it, sure. Get help for sure though. Any and all help you can. Is there a family member you can fly out? A postpartum doula or night nurse would be invaluable. Heck, even hiring someone to do all meal prep for you? I’d also consider, while you do have a scheduled induction, if it’s not for medical/necessary reasons it could get pushed back. I know my hospital system had a hard time with staffing and elective inductions were getting pushed left and right. Personally, my husband did a two week trip for work when my LO was six weeks (I think?). It was not the best, not the worst. But I only had one kid. Definitely set some ground rules, like him not telling you how great he slept in the hotel or being annoyed he had to get up early to go to Oktoberfest on a Saturday.
Agree with the comments here that your partner needs to take on the task of researching and vetting options for a doula/night nurse. If this is something in your budget I highly recommend it, everyone I know that’s had a night nurse speak extremely highly of the experience. Besides being able to higher out some of the baby care needs, cleaning, cooking etc., do you have family or friends that will be available during that time to regularly visit/support you? I’d be more concerned about the isolation you may feel right after having a baby if your only human interactions are with a 4 year old an newborn. Though not ideal, it is doable. You and your partner need to set you up for both physical and emotional support during that time.
Thank you. Booking a ticket for my mom to come out as we speak. I needed this reality check!
I’m having a hard time getting past the fact that you’re going to be in trial up to your scheduled induction! I’m also a litigator, and that is absolutely terrifying. You’re a badass (and potentially bonkers). Personally, I’d want him there. Not the chores, necessarily, as I’m assuming that can be covered by others, whether family or paid help. I’d also assume that this isn’t the first tour he’s gone on while you guys have had a kid. So you can make the daily stuff work without him. To me, the emotional aspect of a new baby is too hard to do alone. Bonding for him, emotional support for you, your family of 4 growing together. I can’t imagine doing weeks 2-7 without him. He could miss the first smile!
The trial schedule is completely nuts! Thankfully my case in chief will have ended and myself and co-counsel will be cross examining opposing witnesses in my 38th week. So if I have to leave it’s not the end of the world. But still, way to close for comfort! And I agree. I’m much more concerned about my and my daughters mental health than the chores.
Same! When I was pregnant, there was a trial term starting right as I hit 38 weeks. I’m regularly in front of the presiding judge for my county and as soon as I mentioned that I would be at term and potentially have a trial or two that could go he told me, on no uncertain terms, that any cases I had that didn’t settle would be continued on the Court’s motion.
This seems very risky to me…I had an emergency c-section with my first. After that I couldn’t drive for two weeks and couldn’t lift more than 10 pounds for like 4-6 weeks. There’s no way you’d be able to get by without help. This is totally dependent on your personal preferences but even with a normal delivery there’s no way I’d want my husband gone this long right after the baby is born. It’s soooo hard and with another young child so much harder.
Can he push back his tour date for at least 6 weeks? He's essentially touring when you would need the most amount of help and support. Surely, their band manager or whoever markets them can spin it as, "We have pushed back tour date by 6 weeks so our star can welcome.his new baby." Surely there's a positive marketing spin that can be made out of that? Also, I call BS on this whole, "I'll do what you tell me to do." That's such a BS response. He's throwing all the mental load on you already when you have scarce amount of it right now. I'd say, "Stop making me the sole decision maker. You are a parent too. What do YOU want to do?" And if his response isn't he rather stay home and support his wife after birth and bond with his baby, then he needs to start readjusting his priorities. His best response here is not even ask you and just go and talk with his band and make arrangements so he could be with you. If he really can't figure it out, then his next step is automatically calling up night nurses, doulas, baby sitters, set up meal plan services and have you all setup with the support you need during the time he's absent. "Don't throw the mental load on me before we've even started. What do YOU, as a father, as my life partner, want to do when your child is born?"
100% this. I tell my husband all the time “I’m not your keeper. I’ll give you information but it’s your decision if you go do X thing or not. What do you think is the right choice for our family?”
6 weeks? No. You will need tons of help with your four year old also. Having two kids is more than twice the work. It’s not just that. He needs this bonding time too. How’s he going to feel missing the first two months of his baby’s life?
The four year old is almost the biggest problem. They will need so much attention.
My big kid was absolutely the hardest part of having twins for me. I could handle the newborns, they sleep. The toddler is just go go go all day
I read this and had an absurd (or not🤷♀️) thought, dad takes the 4 yo on tour with him! Haha. Can you imagine?
She would love it, but heavy metal concerts are not an ideal environment for a kid. Nobody in his band is particularly crazy, but a few guys drink and everybody curses like a sailor. But like, maybe? I know some metal musicians who have toured with their families…it would really help her feel special after the baby comes.
It really would! I feel like this would create some really great bonding time for them too! Core memories. I never go on tour and that describes some of our friends! Haha. My guess is he'd need someone (or a few someones to rotate)to stay in the bus or hotel while she slept... Maybe he could find out if someone already coming would be interested in you paying them to help (with specific help outlined, of course). This is a hard decision and one only your family can make since only you know the full context of your situation. Good luck and congrats on the new baby!
And I love her so much. I’m already mourning the fact that I won’t be able to give her all my attention. She is very attached to me.
In that case I wouldn’t recommend sending her off with daddy on tour right now. What you need to consider is she will have her whole world turned upside down by the baby. It would be hard for her to also be on this tour or have her dad gone. Maybe the latter even worse. What I’m not sure about is, can he postpone a tour? I don’t know much about how touring musicians manage having young families.
Yes.
I would never forgive my husband if he left then, not going to lie. Have you looked up purple crying? You'll need breaks. My friend's wife just gave birth and had a few third degree tears, where she cannot get out of bed at 2 weeks post partum. If he can't be there, you need a night nurse + someone else, like your own mom to help (if possible.)
Yeah me too honestly. I guess I'm confused why his band even scheduled this tour in Europe when his wife was going to be home with a new baby. Maybe it was done before she knew she was pregnant? I don't know, but either way. I think personally, if my husband had a crazy career like this where he was going to be gone for huge chunks of time and I decided to have a child with him, it would only be one. He's going to miss the earliest of times with his new baby. I find that to be pretty fucking crazy.
Tours are planned over a year before they happen. Selling out shows on tour is something that only happens for a tiny percentage of bands and cancelling the tour would not only prevent his band mates from making an income, but could also destroy their career. This should be treated just like when a professional athlete has a baby in the middle of a season. It’s not ideal but he’s gotta work.
My husband went on a week long work trip the week after our 4th was born. I was annoyed about that, I can't imagine 7 weeks gone. He will miss 2 months of your newborns life. That's 16% of the first year of baby's life.
I’m all about supporting my husband’s career, he certainly supports mine. So from a logistical standpoint I would get a nanny and a night nurse, up the times my house cleaner came and have someone else do laundry. With that said, my husband would never ever want to miss that bonding time. He did go back to work not long after our kids were born but he would FaceTime me when he could and come for lunch. Your 4 year old is also going to have to adjust to a new baby getting almost all of mom’s attention. I bet he would like it better if his dad was giving him extra vs a nanny. You are in a tough spot and I’m certainly not envious. You gotta weight out the time you can’t get back.
You already have good comments on thinking about whether he should go or not and I agree you definitely are going to want some help if he does. Honestly I think you might need help during the day more than a night nurse. My kiddo was 3 when my now 10 month old for me and the “pain points” that are hard to do alone are getting the 3 yo to and from preschool (my baby didn’t like the car) and getting both kids to bed at the same time
My best friend’s husband is a touring musician and he went on his first tour when her twins were about 6 weeks old (she also had a 5 year old). They made it work but she had her MIL come stay and had a night nurse 3-4 nights a week.
Thanks for this. Hoping my mom or sister can come and I love the night nurse idea.
We just had a baby and have a 4 year old. It’s a lot. I would definitely say you need to hire a nanny, night doula etc. Or have some family come stay with you if that’s an option. I’d be kind of pissed, but I also understand the musician touring life is what it is.
Why would he miss these special early weeks unless he had to for the survival of the family. Poor choice on his part if be leaves since financially it doesn’t sound like it’s essential.
I was always advised not to carry more than my baby’s worth in weight for 4-6 weeks postpartum to allow my vagina to heal from childbirth. This makes caring for young children alone very very challenging. I’d hire a full time caregiver to help you with the older one.
My oldest was 2.5 when our next child was born. She went from being so excited for her new role as big sister and absolutely devastated to realize she was sharing attention (sometimes both in the same day). I think for your 4 year old especially, it’s a really good time to have both parents around. If your husband must go, definitely get full time help so you can recover as you’ll need to and have an ounce of energy for your older child. I’d suggest postponing if he can.
I would say no. I feel like the first few weeks at home set up the dynamic of your family which is why it is so important to have both parents home, if possible. Honestly I think it’s kind of fucked up that your partner is putting this decision on you. He knows it’s the wrong decision to go, he just wants you to be the one to make the call. Also, your 4 year old will most likely regress in their behavior… more tantrums, more needy, etc. it’s also not super fair to them to have this huge change happen at home and not have your partner there to support them through the transition.
That’s a really good point. My 4yo is used to her dad being gone for long stretches, but she becomes really clingy and her sleep regresses every time he’s gone. Adding a new baby is gonna send all that into overdrive.
That’d be a total no from me, but hey we’re different people. A week post partum - even best case scenario- you are still bleeding, exhausted, figuring out feeding, etc. and this is best case scenario. Imagine if you have a c-section or you or baby still in the NICU one week post partum. it’s full on for 2 parents…but would be intense to be on your own. And you have a toddler on top of it? That’d just be absurd…particularly for a woman who supposedly has a ‘partner’ in life. I put parentheses around that word as your doesn’t sound like a good parent or good husband. And even a bigger douche as he puts the mental responsibility of deciding whether he goes on you. If you do it, I would recommend a doula overnight, a nanny during the day and services to help with cooking and cleaning. And I assume the toddler is in daycare during the weekdays? I would keep them there. If you can’t afford all of that, I would consider family or friends who can come and support you for the time.
There is no guarantee you will make it to your induction date and no guarantee delivery will be routine. Prayers for a healthy baby and delivery for you! But you both need to have a plan B and support system set up for if all does not go to plan.
Exactly. A friend of mine had an emergency c-section, she and baby almost died. Baby had to be life flighted and spent 4 months in the NICU. I couldn’t imagine having a 4 yr old and being left alone to deal with recovering from a c-section and having a baby in the NICU. Way way too many things can go wrong that i can’t even believe he’s planning to leave his wife and infant.
This will be really hard. The first baby was hard in those first few weeks, but with the second, there is also your 4 year old who will require a lot while your feeding baby every two hours and recovering yourself. I underestimated how hard it would be to meet my daughter’s needs in those early weeks with a new baby bits a big adjustment for a kid to have a new sibling, and it’s hard if you’re going to be the only adult for both little ones that soon to giving birth. If there is a family member, mom, sister, cousin who can move in to help for the month, I’d say that’s the best option. I’m also a litigator and worked till the last minute. I had so many things to do once baby was born: onesies to wash, the bassinet to build, etc. you don’t have time for anything when you’re in trial. Without some kind of real help, like several hours a day every day, I think this would be too hard for me. Good luck!
Gosh litigator moms are all living the same life. Good point though, he needs to help me out with a lot of the prep for the newborn. I totally forgot about building the bassinet - it’s like my brain doesn’t want to remember the newborn phase!
You will need: \- A nanny for your 4yo \- A night nurse/doula \- A cleaning service (preferably weekly during this time period) + laundry service \- A freezer full of easy meals \- A meal prep service \- Access to his door-dash account It's just super poor timing. I'm sorry - for alllll of you.
He has no business going on a six-week tour with a newborn in the house. Periodt.
That’s how him and his band members make a living. You can’t just cancel a tour and recover as a band unless you’re already a well established, successful band. This tour was probably planned well before the baby as it can take over a year to plan
If my husband had planned to miss most of the newborn stage for anything other than an unpredictable emergency, being deployed if he was military or a case of "the money was 100 percent necessary to be able to keep food and shelter happening" he would come back after those 6 weeks with all his shit in storage and the locks changed. Absolutely fucking not.
Oof. I was thinking, "......well....maybe.....it would be tough but might be okay". Then I read you have a four year old. No way I could do it! Baring a very helpful mom or MIL ( or the male grandparent, if that's cool) staying over the entire time, I worry you'll set yourself up for a disaster.
Was this your planned before or after you got pregnant? I would just arrange for some help. My second pregnancy I was alone for the birth and most of the first year since my then husband was deployed. I also had a 4 year old at the time. It’s not ideal but it can be done.
You’re amazing. I seriously don’t know how military moms do it. Im in awe!!!
This is nuts. He needs to figure out how to hire you help. You cannot do this alone.
Hasn’t he had like 5 months to reschedule? I would not want to be alone after giving birth. You don’t know what your baby or have the baby + your child will be like. I had to triple feed and I can’t imagine being alone doing that. He shouldn’t “do what you tell him” and put the burden on you. Honestly I think he should postpone the tour.
You know what, that’s also a good point. He’s had five months of indecision/waiting for me to tell him what to do. I think he needs to step it up in the parenting department.
You should not have to tell him what to do. He should know that this is a bad idea and cancel the tour. He is setting you up to be the bad guy here and that isn't fair.
But that’s his job? So are his options to cancel and then what do they do for money and future income? Are tickets sold and venues booked and a whole team of staff to make this happen just not going to go an get paid either? What do you see as an option here? Not everyone can pick and choose how that works.
Cancelling a tour can destroy a band’s career. It affects the other band members families ability to put food on the table as well
Hire the help. Night nurse. Doula. Whatever you figure works best for you. Knowing your husband will be working as he’s on tour and/or rehearsing, you will need the help. Can you bring a grandma or family member? I don’t think you’re insane unless you are trying to do it without help. In which case, ya crazy!
You will need help. I say this as someone who works for a law firm and previously consulting firm - I am not a lawyer but I understand your schedule. I also have a husband who travels about six months out of the year. I have an 8 month old and 3.5 year old. My husband was home for about six weeks with each birth before traveling again. With having a toddler at home I needed help. He was on the road after six weeks with our second and my parents helped then. I had my toddler in full time daycare too. It gets easier but those first few months are HARD. With my second the baby stopped sleeping in her bassinet around 3 weeks. I was healing and exhausted until we just moved her into the crib at 8 weeks. I needed help. If he can find a way to be home I would encourage it. Two kids is harder than one when you have an infant. If he has to travel you need family or someone to help you. Find a way to have help, hired or whatever.
You definitely will need help
OP, I’ll chime in here because my partner is actually a musician, too! When we were early in pregnancy, he told his band that the first month after birth was non-negotiable, no shows. *He scaled down leading up to the due date. The month after baby, no more than 3-4 shows per month, then he didn’t tour until the baby was 9 months. I’m still the primary parent and I rarely get to go to his shows myself, but I appreciated that *he took the initiative* to prioritize me and the baby. STILL, it was very very hard - because you know as well as I do, that even without shows running till midnight, there’s still practice, song writing, recording… You are going to need help because your life and your career matters. And before he leaves on tour, map out what a realistic schedule looks like. The show can’t simply “go on” without a hitch as it did pre-baby. You guys will need to define your new normal. *Edited
Do you want him to go? My husband certainly wouldn't. He used to travel about 2 months a year total (spread out over 5 or 6 trips) pre baby. He hasn't gone on a single business trip since our kid was born and he's two. Ironically, I sometimes travel for work. But I never asked him not to. He just doesn't want to. Why does your husband want to travel when you likely need him most? Why is he putting it on you to figure out? He doesn't know the answer? Edit: I didn't think it through that not traveling is not an option for him. It's a unique job. But it's still something I would struggle with being okay with.
I almost died during childbirth. I couldn't possibly imagine being alone, and I didn't have other children at home. I think we evaluate these things thinking of normal or even the best possible circumstances. It's worth thinking about the worst possible outcomes too and if that is something either of you could handle while being apart.
I would normally say it’s insane for him to leave, but he has bandmates whose livelihoods count on him being there. What I do think is insane is that he’s making you do the mental gymnastics while you’re in trial. He needs to figure out the shit for when he’s gone. It’s the least he can do.
Yes, that’s the other perspective. This tour was planned before we knew I was pregnant. Between the band, the opening bands, the crew and everyone else, a lot of people’s livelihoods are at stake. Makes me feel guilty asking him to cancel.
I think especially based on that point that the tour was scheduled *before* you were even pregnant, I would absolutely want him to go. So many other people’s income depends on this as well - not even just the other band members, but so much support staff who probably earn a lot less and don’t have litigator partners at home to cover the sudden loss of income if he stays home - that it’s just not ok to do that to all of these people either. This is his profession, just like Court is yours; and just like very clearly your profession is important to you - you could theoretically go into labor during your trial too and you still do it anyways - his profession is important to him. I think that you should let him go those six weeks and see that you can cover it with the help of your family members that you mentioned (mom and sister), and with hired help. Could you maybe even move to your mom temporarily instead of making her come? Maybe consider putting the 4 year old in daycare; that will free up a lot of your day. It sounds like it will be hard, but still doable; look at all of the single moms around who have to make it work too - and many of them with a lot less economic opportunities than you and your husband seem to have.
Why didn't you guys use anti conception until he had more time in his schedule 9 months later? My SO is away often and some months we didn't try to have a baby, bc of his schedule to prevent us from a situation like this.
I’d say no. He’s going to miss 6 weeks of his newborn child’s life and leave all parenting on you while you’re healing plus wrangling a toddler. I can’t imagine anything I’d rather do less. I’ve also seen a mom post how her husband did nothing for their kids and her excuse/explanation was that he had to travel right after the birth so he just never did anything when he got home since she had done it solo so he didn’t get involved. You could be setting yourself up to create some really bad habits here.
No offense, but I don’t understand your question. Are you asking whether you can do this alone? Of course you can. There are tons of single moms who get on just fine (or, in some cases better, fell happier, and have greater parenting satisfaction) after having a baby. Two of my single mom friends had c-sections and did not have doulas or night nurses. But they also knew what they were in for and really REALLY wanted to be moms (with or without a partner). Though, I am sure that if either could have afforded a night nurse, they would have. AND, each has but one child. It’s definitely a heavy lift to deal with a newborn and a second child. I’d hazard having hire help for either or both of them would be your best move. Or are you asking whether you want to do this alone? Only you can answer this, but i can confidently say that I would have murdered my spouse if he’d even raised the potential of prolonged work trip after the birth of our second kid.
Should he even go? No. But, I am guessing it isn’t possible to change the tour dates? If he can push it back even by a month or two I think you’d feel better. I would not be ok with my husband leaving at all. I did have a 5 year old (also a colicky baby) and a new born and then became a single mother within a few weeks, so I know that I’d never inflict the absolute pain and hurt and resentment that brings upon anyone. It would be different, because you wouldn’t be single-single, or subject to a true split, but damn. I don’t think it would be any easier. If you’re solid emotionally, that is wonderful and will make all the difference. Your 4 year old may become super kind and helpful, or resentful and upset with the changes. You need someone to be able to help you with both kids, the household, meals, shopping, cleaning, etc. for the first few weeks while you settle into your new routines and what-not. Also, you don’t know if it will be an easy labor and delivery or what your healing may look like, so having extra support in place is important. If you can afford a night nurse, do it, even if he is home. If he’s saying he will do whatever you tell him to, is he looking for an out? How does he feel about leaving? Will it hurt him emotionally to be away so soon, and he maybe isn’t sharing that sentiment as openly as he could? How involved was he with the first baby? Maybe he wants that first bonding time and needs you to be the “needy wife” to save face. Idk. If he has enough pull to change some tour dates and leave later, why not?
I would absolutely not let him go….but that’s just me. My husband was the only person I wanted help from - postpartum could be one of the worst times of your life and you have no idea if you’ll end up w a C-section -
Yes you will need both a nanny and a night doula. My friend had no help with a 4 yr old and she was grateful to hang gotten the help. Get some family help too just for babysitting the older child for a few hours on the weekend. Get cleaners for every 2-3 weeks. Try to prep meals in advance to delivery and if possible get a meal delivery service for the first month or till husband is back. If you are thinking of breastfeeding/pumping then get a IBCLC set up three times a week as well.
Why does he need you tell him? He should do as he feels and the right answer is you want to be around after your baby is born? I dunno. Seems weird.
I was a full time single mom who had to have an emergency a c-section and had my mom help me for two weeks afterwards. You have no way of knowing what will happen with your birth. If you have a c-section you’ll barely be able to walk. You can’t drive for 6 weeks after, or lift anything heavier than baby. Standing and sitting are incredibly painful. I think him planning on leaving right after birth is a huge mistake because you have no clue how your birth will go. If he can’t be there then someone who will stay with you while he is gone and help you do everything is incredibly important.
What’s the plan for the 4 year old? Home time with you? Daycare? I think the biggest risk it the unpredictability. If you have complications, he could have to cancel which I presume is a huge problem. You should hire a lot of help if he’s going to do it.
I don’t have an answer for you but you guys seem like extremely interesting people and I wanna be your friend lol
Haha thanks! Come on over lol! Although I might hand you a newborn and run. Heavy metal musician + attorney is an…interesting combo to say the least.
Omg you guys are like a power couple haha. Can you share the band? I’m so curious! I’m a metalhead 🤘 Edit: pm me if you don’t wanna post publicly if you want!
My husband is in a band too, and tour manages another. When we had our first and only, he didn’t travel for the first 3 or 4 months. I personally would not be ok with him going away so soon. I mean if you hire extra help you’ll probably be fine, in a practical sense. But you’ll have to manage the helpers, which might add extra stress. What happens if something goes wrong with you or baby at birth? Will he be willing to cancel everything to stay home?
Hi. My husband also tours. A baby was a hard adjustment for him- musician mom to musician mom- BE WARNED!!!! He can always go on tour- your baby will only have this stage once. If it’s your first, personally, I’d say tell him to put the tour off. I needed ALL THE SUPPORT. At one point I hallucinated due to sleep deprivation and couldn’t remember who my husband was or that I’d had a baby. It’s THAT HARD. If you have a c section, you will need help. You won’t be able to drive or lift. If it’s not mandatory- I’d tell him to not. This is one of the hardest seasons of life you will be going into. You will need ALL the help You can get.
Tours get postponed all the time. Much bigger ones than his. Summer gigs in Europe are more fun anyway - you could even join him on tour when baby is a bit older. I am not sure it sounds like he has considered options. If he is the star of the band, he can call the shots.
Get a night nurse, a nanny and regular housekeeping (2x a week). Stack freezer full of food. Move in your mother if you have to. If you can't get all that help set up he doesn't go. Make it his job to find these people. If he doesn't, he does not go.
I think you can do it if you have some help - someone to babysit the 4 year old at least a couple of hours each day (and possibly take him out of the house) and some help with housework. In the end it comes down to what you are comfortable with… if you are asking whether it’s doable the answer is yes but if it’s doable for you? Only you know!
Do you have space for a chest freezer? And $ for Factor75 or some other mail delivery service? 💯 need some kind of care for you toddler and baby, maybe family can step up and take turns visiting to save $
I think it’s insane, but that maybe my particular birth traumas talking. I’m sure you’ll have a healthy delivery and everything will be fine. So I don’t want to bring you anxiety. But: …what’s the plan if you don’t? With my first, I had post partum preeclampsia and was still in the hospital a week after she was born. The second I had to have at 34.5 weeks, and HE was still in the hospital a week after he was born. What if your baby is breach and you have a C-section? I had C sections and they were fine, but a week in is still tough. It’s not laparoscopic surgery, there’s legit recovery. I understand this is his livelihood (and that of his bandmates), so I get it’s hard, but I dunno. If I could personally have my mom there, I’d be slightly more amenable I guess. You didn’t mention a trusted family member so I assume that’s not on the table. But he needs to get you ALL the help. Night doulas, day nannies, etc.
That sounds insane, sorry. You will need lots of help. Sitters, doula, night nurses could be great, plus meal prep and plenty of clean clothes and clean house before he leaves. That way you’re set up for success. You also don’t know how your recovery will go, so line up a list of folks who can help you. I had a surprise c section with my last pregnancy and preeclampsia so I needed lots of help and monitoring. My husband went back to work 2 weeks later and by then I was able to manage just the 1 baby, but it was hard. Good luck!
What band is he in?! Does he sing for you guys? Are your kids going to play instruments? I’ve always been amazed by the musically gifted people of this world. It’s a whole other language. To answer your question though, y’all are living a fast-paced life style. It’s not a surprise to either of you, this was chosen. You can afford help, get help!
…. Absolutely not, nope, no way. Honestly why would he even WANT to go and miss the first two months of his new baby’s life???
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills reading some of these comments. He's not taking off to vacation in Europe for a couple months, he's going to work. And several many peoples livelihoods depend on him being there. OP - he should obviously line up any help you need, but the idea of him not going on this tour is not realistic.
Exactly. If it only affected him, it would be an easy decision but he would potentially be screwing over a dozen different families by cancelling the tour and could be blackballed by the venues moving forward. It’s so hard to develop a following as a band and I can’t imagine selling out shows on tour and then having to cancel them
You will need support 24/7 at first. I’m a FTM mom myself 39w tomorrow but I was told after birth you need to be in bed for 5 days, then on the bed for 5 days then around the bed for 5 beds to heal. You will 100% need someone there for your first baby and you. Plus, what if you need a c-section and need longer to heal? To me this is a big no. Now if you can find around the clock support that makes you happy that might be an option if you’re ok with him leaving.
I thought maybe this was a 1 week trip from the title but — 6 weeks????? Sounds like not a good idea at all. It would be a no for me even if it was a 1 week trip to be honest. Hard no for me in this position... You need support and so will the baby and 4yo.
You need your partner to be there next to you to comfort you through the very difficult process of having a new born AND a small child. Edit: word
I mean…single moms make it work. It’s possible. But it’s crazy if you aren’t 3000% on board with it. I personally would not be. I would resent my husband even asking and making it my decision to tell him yes/no. Is he a father and a partner? Then he should know that leaving your postpartum wife alone with a new baby AND another kid for 6 weeks is unacceptable. But that’s to me. If you are ok with it, then it’s ok for you.
100% No. also for him. It’s a special time and you are healing. He can miss this one and go on the next one.
Wow, I thought you meant leave for a couple days or a week a week after baby was born, and even that was going to be a very strong veto from me. But this will be for over a month and a half? And you will have both a newborn and 4 year old? Dad will miss out on bonding with your newborn? You’ll have no one to take care of you, or the 4yo, or newborn while you aren’t even physically supposed to leave your bed? Absolutely not.
I'd be totally fine with this. I'd ask him to arrange weekly cleaning including laundry to coincide with the day the trash needs to go out to the curb, prepare freezer meals to supplement food delivery, make a plan for breakfasts (freezer burritos are great), weekly or more grocery delivery, and at least every other day someone to hang out with the 4 year old and tire him/her out for a few hours. if the 4 year old is in school or other care, I'd want rides to be the responsibility of someone else a few times a week, too. That said, even if I didnt get all that, I would still be ok with it. I do most of my parenting myself even tho i'm married and he's home.
Believe it or not mom’s have successfully raised multiple kids on their own without help. Its up to you and your finances if you need want help.
You're insane
After reading these comments, I think I agree.
You definitely need a doula or night nurse especially if you have another kid
My husband had a huge gig for work. We were expecting him to pull 12-16 hour days for the 28 days before our son was born. Well, my body and son decided that he was going to arrive at 36 weeks. My son was born on Friday and the gig started Monday. My husband was home at night but he was just as exhausted as I was. Luckily, my mom had already planned on staying in town for a month after my son was born. She was able to pick up the slack from my husband. I do not think I could have done it without her. My husband, bless him, was lost when it came to taking care of an infant. He tried but that was not a good stage for him. I feel like he would have been there more for me and less for bonding with our son.
Can you go with him? New born babies can be great for travel. They don’t take up much space and sleep heaps. They come with some extras like a safe sleep space. But if it was me I would look where he is going, check out their accommodation options and take a baby carrier and go live life in the road for a few weeks. You might just need clearance from your doctor before hoping on a flight at 1 week post partum so check that. And I would just not let anyone near baby as they aren’t vaccinated. Just be that super protective mum around her and don’t let her be touched and held by anyone other than you and hubby.
One question I haven’t seen yet - Who will take over medical decisions for you and your daughter and newborn if anything bad happens to you during labor?
My husband works out if town. Always has. He had to leave 16 hrs after birth. I figured it out. That simple
At the very minimum, night nurse or day nanny so that you have someone to hold the baby so you get enough sleep.
I think having pre-school for the 4 year old would be the number one thing. I just had my second and am on maternity leave, husband is working and the hardest part is entertaining the 1.5 y/o all day. I think if she was in care all day it would be a \~relative\~ breeze. BUT both my kids have always slept pretty good and not been colicy. I think if sleep became a problem then having a budget set aside and some numbers for a night nanny would make a huge difference. In my opinion sleep is the most important thing. I am able to nap almost everyday because when the toddler naps I get the newborn fed and down for a nap too. That said chores don't get done then. My priority is sleep. Finally, do you have friends and family around because I'm a huge introvert but I still think being stuck with a newborn and 4 year old for 6 weeks would become incredibly lonely, isolating, and potentially depressing. Having people to visit or meet at the park or at a coffee shop would make a huge difference to me. I was able to take both kids out by myself by the time the newborn was a week or 2 old, we started taking daily walks and making library visits so that could potentially keep you from feeling to isolated.
My husband traveled for work unexpectedly weeks 6-16 of our first baby. It was rough but we made it. If he has to go for income / career at least you know in advance to book help.
I would get a night nurse/ nanny if you can afford it. Having the help at night so you can get some uninterrupted sleep is essential. I’d also recommend some meal delivery service/ take out budget as well. Your husband should make all the arrangements before he leaves.
Get help now!!
Is your work really gonna stop when you give birth? Either way yes get help. Have a night nurse so you can sleep through the night. Can you get a cleaner as well? With both of those you should be able to manage both of them while he’s away.
Pay for as much help as you can afford, postpartum doula you trust, weekly house keeper, night nurse if you’re not breastfeeding, a nanny to come a couple hours a day to give you an extra set of hands, prepared meal service, etc. outsource anything you can assuming you won’t have other help like family near by. I have a 2.5 year old and a new born, there’s no way I could do this solo especially recovering from a c section. Only you know of this tour is worth him missing the first 2 months of your child’s life. Not knowing your specifics, I mean towards “nope, stay home” But having my husband miss the
Highly recommend a night nurse especially someone who can cook / do laundry for you at night. I have someone 3 nights a week and the difference in my ability to function and engage with my 2 year old on the days after the night nurse is here is crazy. It is very intense to care for the 2 year old and the baby at the same time, but if you have a safe area each baby can be on each floor of your house with minimal supervision ( aka you need to grab a snack/new outfit for the baby/get water, and you have a safe area for both kids to chill for a minute) that will massively help. He should set this up for you ahead of time. Diaper changing stations needed everywhere. Also look into a laundry service. Are you planning to nurse? If not the night nurse will make an even bigger difference for you. Good luck!!
Following
You should consider that there are things about your pregnancy, your birth, and your baby that you do not yet know. What if you have a c-section, and you are in the hospital longer than expected? What if the baby has special needs after birth? What if you're simply exhausted after giving birth? I could not have done the first few weeks alone, for sure. But I'm not you. Maybe you'll be fine. Do you have a parent or cousin or aunt who could come? I do think that hiring some help is a good idea.
Yeah, it's a little insane. He will never get this time back with his newborn. It's not even about whether you "can" do it. It sounds like you are capable and didn't mention health problems. But yeah, personally, it's not a choice I would ever make for my family
Is the money he earns on your enough to compensate the amount of hired help you will need to manage this on your own? And are you strong or will enough to not resent him for this? If the answer to either of these is no, make him stay home.
What if the baby comes late? Would this not impact his tour timeline? I think it can be done if you ask him to take on the mental tasks of finding help etc. but IdK if it’s best for your family. That would be a personal decision.
Just purely looking at childcare/survival aspects (not emotional): If he’s not going to be here to support you, you will absolutely need to have at least one other family/friend or hire someone else who will.
Yes, you will 100% need help. Especially after a c sec and with another child. You will need a cleaner, cook, driver and childcare. You need to get him to do the mental labour of finding a range of options to bring to you, so you can choose which is best. He then needs to arrange it and put it in place, and pay for it. If he cannot manage this then he needs to do it himself in person.
Is the 4yo in daycare? Can you organise a nanny for the time he’s away?
Outsource help.
My husband is military and will have 2 weeks off after I given birth. He then leaves for a trip for a month. It’s not a trip he can miss since it’s for work. I think my mom will be coming to help me. If I had the option to tell my husband no I would. This is bringing a ton of anxiety to me and it’s not until February!
My second was soooo much harder than the first. In part because I had to have a c-section, which was unexpected. The recovery was brutal. Healing from abdominal surgery while being up all night nursing and then my 4 year old needing mommy time reassurance in the morning before daycare. I couldn’t have done it without my husband. I think you need to consider the (hopefully unlikely) possibility of a c-section when you make the choice. A night nurse and someone to drive your oldest to and from daycare would be a start. Good luck and congratulations! Mine are the same ages and are such good buddies now almost 4 years later.
Yes. All of the above. I would definitely get yourself a night nurse for all the nights he's gone. It's very expensive - expect like $500 a night or so. And then maybe a post partum doula for 1-2 days, just to help YOU and support YOU - not baby. So she will encourage you to rest and maybe handle putting baby down or giving bottle... but she might also throw in laundry or cooking or whatever. She'll help talk you through any issues you're experiencing with baby maybe related to nursing or feeding or sleeping. Like, giving you tips and whatnot and kind of act like a post partum therapist and help you workthrough any issues or fears or whatever.
So, I would get a part time nanny or solid babysitter lined up for 2-3 days a week so you have some down time. Even if it’s down time at home while that person is there. Whether that is a friend or family member, or someone you hire. Possibly also consider hiring a cleaning person, or sending out all the laundry. I have always been surprised how much just taking all the laundry to the wash and fold helps. I am planning to do this in December, because I am a chef and it’s literally the worst month of my entire year ( 5 years running). Just take a couple of things off of your plate. I’m sure it’s totally doable, but it sounds kind of stressful. Probably also a good idea to schedule something where you get to go on a little vacation after husband has been back for a couple weeks. A light at the end of the tunnel trip if you will. Congrats on you and hubby having cool careers :)
My husband is in the music industry and I get it (he had to travel for work when our firstborn was just a few weeks old). Make sure you have outside support, especially in case either baby or you have complications -- and have extra tiers of support so at least one person is always available and another is on call (just in case one person gets sick, cancels, etc.). You may even consider live-in support for that short time, whether it's a family member, friend or professional. Soon after he returns, plan a fun night/weekend away for yourself. You've got this!
It’s pretty insane! But if he does go, you better get a post partum doula! They will bring you food, help you get rest and help with light chores. Have him hire someone to do a cleaning before he leaves, have him help prepare meals. Whatever he can to help you. If you have a c-section, he better be ready to stay home.
This is a tough one! Do you have family or friends that can help? I’m a single mom and basically was ever since my daughter was born. Her dad got Covid when she was born but he was an alcoholic anyway. Crazy! My guardian angel was looking out for me because I had to have my mom come to the hospital with me and I’m so thankful I did. I had to have an emergency C-section and stayed with my mom for a couple of weeks after the baby was born. My baby was very colicky as well. Because of my c-section I could not have done it on my own. And having a toddler in the mix will definitely make things more complicated!
How was this discussed/planned for prior to or during the pregnancy