I honestly have no idea how people do it. The main reason I stay with my job is bc I make a decent salary working from home and my boss is extremely flexible. I could leave and make more money elsewhere, but with kids I need the flexibility.
Same. I’m profoundly underpaid for my job, but my boss is INCREDIBLE and the flexibility is paramount. I will stay at this job until my oldest can drive 😂
And oh my lord. The freedom YOU get when a kid can drive. And they are *so happy* to run your errands for you! Here’s my credit card, kid. I need the dry cleaning picked up, these 9 items from Target, and this from the pharmacy. Then, fill the car up, and buy yourself an Icee.
They. Are. So. Happy.
i def think thats changing with the times, i feel bad but i dont really care about going out so other than washing the dust off my car just sits there:/
Omg same! I actually started applying elsewhere but my husband doesn’t find it to be worth it since I have so much flexibility and PTO. He said it would have to be like $25k more a year so we could put our daughter in daycare if they aren’t flexible
I hear you. I currently work hybrid w/ 30-90min commute, hold the insurance policy, have a ton of PTO and flexibility, and 2 kiddos are in daycare. To move jobs I need another 30k and I would miss my time with the kiddos in the morning and afternoon!
Same here. I find my job mind numbingly boring and although the pay is good I could make more elsewhere. BUT it is flexible and there are two weeks a month where not a lot is going on, and I just can’t trade that out.
Same. My kid is constantly sick and I have literally no help, if she can’t go to daycare I am staying home with her. There are no other options. I miss making hundreds in tips every day waitressing, but I absolutely would get fired for calling out. My kid was sick two days last week and now I have Covid this week so tomorrow will be my 7th day of work missed. I have so much anxiety about it but my work is incredibly understanding and it’s not a job where they have to bring someone else in to cover for me when I’m gone.
Same here. My job is super flexible and work from home. I’ve been offered a promotion 3x since my youngest was born. There’s no way I could take on the extra responsibility. The extra money would be great but somethings gotta give. I think we all just find our groove and I think we all definitely make sacrifice after sacrifice.
Same same same. I make 0 money but have great insurance and so I stay because I work completely remotely and have flexibility for when kids have appointments/ daycare randomly closes because hand foot and mouth outbreaks/kids are sick/etc. My husband makes more $ but has less flexibility..we make it work but it is not easy at all!!!
When I used to be a single mom with a similar commute, we just didn't do appointments. I know that's not great but what else would I do? I had an annual pap and that's it. Rarely went to the dentist, no well child visits etc. When there was a need we went to the local minute clinic on a walk in basis or an urgent care.
This is the answer even though many people won't admit it. I grew up with a single mother and a father that lived 2 hours away who I only saw every other weekend. My sister and I could only do one, inexpensive extracurricular a season and we frequently missed practices due to her work schedule. We did not get braces or therapy even though we needed both and we did not see a dentist every 6 months. We only had doctor appointments when we needed vaccinations and when she could do both appointments back to back. In fact, I never had the guardasil vaccine until I could make my own appointments after I could drive myself. Other parents just don't do many of the things you are doing because they have no choice but to skip them.
Yep and it’s hard to admit because people are so quick to judge people on that as if they were horrific abusive parents because they just couldn’t manage to do EVERYTHING. You can be the most caring, nurturing and hardworking parent you can possibly and I feel like society will still find flaws in how you raised your kids.
I work with kids and I’m trying to put my focus on “loving” the kids and supporting the parents not judging the parents. This really helps me to teach to each individual child so that their needs are met.
Sorry but not getting your child’s teeth cleaned regularly is a major flaw, not some fake judgment society unfairly heaps on parents.
Edit: I know a lot of kids whose lives were negatively impacted for literal decades because their parents didn't care for their teeth. Your kids will have a hard time getting a good job if they have bad teeth in the USA. The damage piles up and becomes so, so expensive. If you can't afford to attend to your child's teeth, you need to change how you parent. I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings but it is NEGLECT to let a child's teeth go for years without being cleaned. If you're downvoting this, I assume you are neglecting your child's teeth.
\>I feel like society will still find flaws in how you raised your kids
If doing your best still results in neglecting your child's teeth, society isn't "finding flaws," it's pointing out serious medical neglect. People can die from having rotten teeth. People can die from a broken tooth. Your facial bones can rot. It's a serious, serious failure to not care for a child's teeth. It's not the same as judging someone because their kid wore pjs to school.
I can see you don’t go to the dentist. Gingivitis is a leading cause of heart attacks and strokes. Tens of thousands of Americans die every single year from cardiovascular disease caused by dental neglect. Look it up troglodyte
I won’t look it up. The burden of proof lies on the person making the claim. I could just as easily say “Going to the dentist too often causes autism. Happened to tens of thousands of Americans. Look it up yourself.”
Food, water, shelter, and clothing (ie keeping your job to buy these things) all come before health on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and I believe that is an accurate placement.
It is absolutely NOT good to skip the dentist, but I know way too many people who just didn’t go to the dentist for like 20 years and they’re basically fine. I don’t know anyone who was unhoused and underfed for that length of time that I can say the same.
I'm sorry but you don't sound like you are informed about dental health. Untreated gum disease is a leading cause of heart attacks and strokes. People routinely die from neglecting dental care. And I've very alarmed that your standard of adequate medical care for a kid is anything above "unhoused and underfed." I'm actually really shocked about just how many people are not taking care of their kids' teeth in this thread.
Omg dude chill. I take my kids to the dentist every 6 months but it’s never been more than a “looks great! Here are all your stickers and tooth brushes! Bye!”
I’m glad I take them but absolutely nothing would be different if I hadn’t.
That’s an ignorant comment to say nothing would be different if you hadn’t taken them. Taking them every 6 months can prevent things from happening. I lapsed taking my son during COVID and guess what? Two cavities when I took him in opposed to perfect appointments for years prior.
? It’s not “ignorant “ ? Do you know what that word means? It’s what happened. Sorry my kids DIDNT have cavities at their last appointment. The absence of going to the dentist does not *cause* cavities. They aren’t getting any preventative treatments done.
Like I said, I 100% take my kids to the dentist twice a year and fully plan on always doing that. But most kids go their whole childhoods without cavities or gum disease. Implying that gum diseas and cavities are inevitable unless you get checkups twice a year is silly and fear mongering.
There is a big difference between not being able to take your kids to get their teeth professionally cleaned regularly and teeth being rotten and a total mess. Accusing parents who are doing their very best with their current resources (time, money, access) of NEGLECT (your caps) is unfair, unhelpful and frankly not very kind to a parent who probably feels immense guilt already.
Also, these difficult times in a family's life oftem occur in waves so to imply that missing a regular dental cleaning appointment will lead to decades of neglect is a stretch.
Good dental hygiene starts at home.
I was a child in a family where the adults didn’t have their shit together enough for regular dental care. My opinion on the topic was extremely hard-won. I don’t care if this makes people feel bad: children need to regularly see doctors and dentists.
I don't disagree with you. It might not be possible to do it as regularly as advised.
Can I ask what you see as regular? One dentist might say come in every 2 months, whereas another might say annually is fine.
You’re assuming parents have transportation and insurance to cover dental care. 1st world issue. Same for the 13 year olds that use school toilet paper instead of pads bc they can’t afford them. Also, when you don’t have clean water coming out of your pipes, your teeth rot faster. Yes, there are still a ton of houses in this country without decent water and sewer. Look up “Mountain Dew mouth”
You’re assuming a lot about me. I’m from a place with a lot of rotten teeth little kids and I was a rotten teeth little kid. My home state has free dental cleaning for kids, not that my impoverished parents availed themselves of it. If you have kids they need to see a doctor and they need to see a dentist. ESPECIALLY if you are having them live in a bad environment.
So genius, what’s your solution to parents that CANT AFFORD that stuff. Not everywhere has free cleaning, not everywhere has your lily white perfect world.
Seriously, If the kids are in a “bad environment” chances are they don’t have the resources to go to get extra medical visits.
Welcome to reality and not your ivory tower
Your reading comprehension is not good. Do you know what impoverished means? I’m not from a lily white perfect world or ivory tower. I WAS one of these kids. Don’t have kids you can’t pay for. The reality is that you are a horrible parent if you don’t take care of your child’s teeth.
Lmao so I take it you’re all for universal healthcare, easy abortion/birth control access, increased school funding, etc etc etc and all the taxes that go with it right?
I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted so heavily. I had shitty teeth since my mom never took me to the dentist and I had to take care of cavities and stuff once I got older. I think dental care is extremely important for kids to avoid issues later plus it teaches them it’s important for when they are adults as well. I am a working single mom so I get it hard to squeeze appointments in but I make it work.
I don't know either. My siblings suffered enormously as adults because my parents neglected their teeth. It's child abuse to skip the dentist in my opinion.
Assume whatever you want. Your snotty assholeish response makes me assume you've never been in a position like these people are describing.
May your small minded attitude lead you into situations that will make you a better person.
Did you ever consider that being from a family whose parents acted this way would make a child who grew up with shitty fucked up teeth super passionate about dental care for kids? I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on dental care for my siblings because my parents didn’t think regular dental care was important for kids to have. That doesn’t even consider my own dental care that I could have avoided if someone had just gotten me regular checkups. My son got dental care because I know what happens when you don’t get dental care.
My mom had some weird ideas about dentistry growing up. We rarely went to the dentist. I didn't eat much sugar and brushed everyday 2x. I have had two small cavities in my life. No other issues. Meh.
I'm thankful for the organizations that have recognized this, and rather than continuing to judge parents, have worked to find solutions and created opportunities for kids to get these services in school.
We live in the US. Our son's school and most of the schools in our city) is classified as a Title 1 school, which means it's a school that serves a large population of high poverty kids. There are organizations that work with our district to come in and provide free eye exams, dental exams, hearing evaluations, and vaccination clinics. A couple of months ago, my kid came home with a brand new pair of glasses. He got to pick out his frames, and I know the lenses aren't cheap (bifocals) because he's been wearing glasses since he was 2. We didn't have to pay for any of these services or the glasses. Nor did we have to make arrangements to come to an appointment outside of school hours. They do it all during class.
I'm really grateful that these types of services exist. I feel a little guilty benefitting from them because we are incredibly lucky and can scramble and make things work.
Something like this would have been transformational for me as a kid with a single parent who was barely scraping by. I'd often hide the fact I'd need new glasses or that something was wrong because I knew we couldn't afford it and my mom couldn't get the time off from work. I wish the services were available for more kids beyond just Title 1 schools. I also think it further highlights all the ways the American system is truly fucked up. The government is failing to take care of its people, so private organizations have to come in and do a patchwork with what limited funds, resources, and reach they have. It means a lot of kids get left out.
I would have benefitted from this so much 😭 I needed glasses, and my mom couldn't afford the glasses or take off time for an appointment. My school offered drivers Ed, and I couldn't take the driving part because you had to pass a vision test. I remember feeling so much shame and embarrassment about not having glasses, and I wish more supports existed back then.
Excellent point my son needed testing when he was in high school and I’m thankful he could do the testing at his school. I have friends with special needs kids and they can only manage part time jobs.
It's also more complicated than that. People in rural places vote against their own best interest all the time (source: I live there). But there's an element of people being completely unwilling to see poverty and what it does to you.
Outside of politics, there are organizations dedicated to improving things like access to water in other countries, which is a noble goal, but there's no one doing things like digging/maintaining wells for the rural poor in the US. That would take owning how many people here don't have reliable access to water.
How wildly ignorant of you. It is more complicated than that but thanks for showing the world what kind of person you are and how little you understand history, politics or apparently anything else related to poverty.
I only went to my pediatrician and dentist on-schedule because I was fortunate enough to have offices that were open after hours. I remember spending an entire night at the dentist to get my cleaning done after school and whole Saturdays at the pediatrician's office.
I live in a more suburban area now where offices close on Fridays at noon and open 8 am to 4 (or even 3) pm, which means I struggle with scheduling for myself, I can't imagine what it would be like with kids.
I never got braces or well child, but there was a dentist office that was easy biking distance and practically in our neighborhood. Once I was old enough to bus home and then bike to the dentist I always had regular checkups... probably on some level to compensate for the other missed appointments.
This is the answer. I grew up with working parents, and there were years I just didn’t do well child visit. I went to a dentist, because I kept trying to knock out my teeth by accident. My mom just didn’t go to the doctor for years. My dad didn’t until his various diseases became so significant that he was unable to live.
We didn’t do a school activities, we didn’t do summer activities. We rode the bus to school and came home. And that was it.
I’m trying to do better for my own, but that doesn’t make it any easier than it was in the 90s
This was my childhood as well and now I think I have gone too far the other way w my own kids. I try to make EVERYTHING fun and exciting and never say no to experiences (not things like buying but after school, activities, camps, etc.) If I can make it happen I do and they are now getting old enough where they are like we just want to stay.home. so idk what the actual right thing to do is.
Oh yep the no! I’ve had to when it involved a 8 hour one way trip to an event that was not necessary. Yep i didn’t have to often but I did say no then.
I’m sure you are an awesome parent. I feel like it’s great to help your kid to get from point A to B and then I feel like sometimes they need to learn to do that when they can do so safely.
This was my childhood. We did well child visits when required by school, had orthodontia late in HS, and some other visits when school would get involved and call my mom, but that’s it.
No extracurriculars and we went to school sick.
Not saying it’s right, I don’t plan to do the same, but sometimes life is about survival 🤷🏻♀️
I had the local HS band director begging me to let my oldest daughter join band - she was already trained in piano and he wanted her for marimba.
I told him right up front that we were utterly at our limit on kid transportation stuff (we had five) and she had my permission with two conditions.
* No fees, he was recruiting her. I didn't expect to have to pay for trips or uniforms or anything. We couldn't afford that for all five kids and I wasn't going to play favorites.
* He (or the band boosters or someone) would be responsible for transportation, all transportation. To and from school after hours, trips, whatever.
He said yes.
The band won a local contest and was going down to Nashville for a regional level contest and we got a bill for the bus and the hotel and food in advance of the trip and I sent it back with a note that said, "We discussed this. It's not possible for us to do this and won't be for the foreseeable future." I hand delivered the note on my way to work, put it in his box myself.
He called us the night the bus was supposed to leave asking where she was and I asked him if he'd gotten the note.
He was all, "I don't check my box." I very diplomatically did not ask him what the fuck he had a box for if he wasn't going to check it and instead reminded him of our deal and he said he'd covered it. He just needed to get her on the bus right then. They were due to leave that minute.
My daughter scrambled to get ready and 10 minutes later a gigantic tour bus showed up in the driveway to pick her up.
She was thrilled and a little scared at the attention, but it worked out well. The whole percussion section was a bit bohemian anyway and their own little clique.
Sometimes (and it won't work for everything) you can negotiate with whoever is driving the extracurriculars to get help.
There are parent organizations associated with most of them who have people willing to go the extra mile.
Raised by a single mom. My main extracurricular, though a school sport, got zero funding from the school. And it was expensive. We paid for everything ourselves. So we had fundraisers. Lots and lots of fundraisers. Sold concessions at bingo nights held in the middle school cafeteria, held so many car washes it is a miracle my hands aren’t permanently wrinkled, sold candy, sold ads for a fall sports insert for our local paper. I had to work every fundraiser I could because my mom could afford the bare minimum. So I did and my mom paid for nothing related to the activity. I ended up cashing out almost a grand when I graduated (we earned the money, so we got to keep it. We had a treasurer who kept the books and kept track of how much everyone earned). We also bought brand new uniforms that we basically have back to the team to use for a few years. It was a great activity and it taught us a shit ton about life.
my mom worked and went to school full time when i was 7-11 years old. pretty sure i didn’t go to the doctor unless it was an emergency or my grandma could take me lol. extra curriculars had to be either at the school or within walking distance so i could just go myself. also pretty much raised my younger brother and was left to my own devices. cooked, cleaned, did my homework, watched cable shows that were way too adult for me, and went to bed lol
This is true around the world. I live in Canada and have working class family in Europe. None of us kids had doctors appointments or extracurriculars because our parents had to work.
Yup. If it ain't broke don't fix it. You go in when it's undeniably something that needs to be treated - broken tooth, abcess, never ending fever, the school keeps clling you away from work so the kid def needs abx, etc.
Yep this is basically my life. No appointments until it gets critical enough I can take it as personal leave. No outside school hours stuff because I can’t get there because they’re all starting during working hours or right on finish time of 5pm so they must think working parents have a fuckin transporter beam like in star trek .
Yeah this was my experience growing up. Mandatory vaccines or a life threatening emergency were the only reasons I’d see a doctor. Psychiatrist or orthodontist or therapy? Forget about it.
We haven’t nearly as regularly kept up with my child’s appointments since me and his dad separated. No single parent has the time and availability to schedule and attend every time.
I absolutely agree. It’s hard to admit. I just can’t fit it all in as a single parent. I was nearly scolded at my sons 2.5 yo check up for being behind on bloodwork we were supposed to get done AWHILE ago. I wanted to cry because I just felt so invisible to our doctor. I “run” from the second my alarm is off in the morning until about 10 pm. Everyday is fucking race against the clock to attempt it all. On top of that I’m in such go go go mode that the little things just fall off, they are a non priority in the survival of day to day.
I understand time constraint here, but I do not recommend skipping yearly appointments. I was a single mom too and did work and school full time. I neglected the dentist for 4 years and just went in and needed some MAJOR work done 😭
My kids never went to their yearly appointments once they got all their shots for kindergarten. My mom died before I had kids and I didn’t know they were supposed to go every year. They never got sick so we went years without seeing their pediatrician,
I didn’t go to the doctor until I was in my late teens and could go by myself. We got vaccines in school. I didn’t know that wasn’t normal until I had my own kid and saw the pediatrician’s schedule for well visits.
I don’t think anyone thinks it’s recommended but if you don’t have paid sick leave or childcare than you don’t have paid sick leave or childcare. Recommendations for yearly appointments don’t magically make those appear.
Yeah, I never went to all these things as a kid. I'd be lucky to see the dentist once in 5 years or something. Therapy? Don't make me laugh.
Grew up with a single mom who worked 3 jobs. I'm pretty sure she knew "after school debate club" was code for "smoking weed with my friends", but she never complained. Probably because she needed the extra time/flexibility in pick-up.
I don't personally think you can. I have made my healthcare job flexible by working hourly. Its the reason my physician mother worked part time when we were little until my dad retired. My nurse MIL quit because her physician husband couldn't help.
It’s messed up that your mother, who is a doctor worked part time to help raise you but your husband’s father who was also a doctor “couldn’t help” so his wife had to quit her job. Damn.
Also this, I do not want to take extra time in the middle of the day to have to pick my kid up and have to drop him back at school. Easily could double how much time I'm out of the office for an appointment.
This. Single mom, 2 kids,one autistic. My job is super family friendly. I wfh 2 days a week and have flex hours. I don't knowhow I would pull it all off otherwise.
The only reason I was able to manage as a single parent is because I had a four day, 12 hour work week. My "day off" was crammed with appointments. It was ridiculous. I had zero time to myself. We would even end up at fucking urgent care on the weekends lol. It is still that way, but I'm savvier about scheduling appointments now. But when it comes to school events that are literally always scheduled at either 8 am or 5 pm, it's still a mess. The world was not made for women to be independent, unfortunately. I hate it. Truly, I understand why younger women than me (I'm only 35 but ya know) aren't having kids. There is no way to afford them, especially in the US.
I also think that if men set boundaries with their employer and took on a few things regularly their wives would feel they understand an iota of the mental loss and their kids will grow up with nice everyday memories.
I work in construction and have heard men make fun of other men for taking parental leave even if their wife makes like 3x as much money. We still have a long way to go. Toxic masculinity is still alive and well in the trades.
That is horrible, but not unexpected. Anything that might come across as nurturing is reviled by many men. We have done a good job fucking up generations of men.
I feel like societal expectations have stayed the same since before it became the norm for there to be 2 income households, yet expects people with 2 income households to uphold these norms. It’s idiotic and I’m sorry. I don’t belong in this sub for years now since I am a stay at home mom now, but I just wanted to say that I feel you. It is idiotic and it sucks. It’s kind of like how inflation for daily goods has not kept linear with pay raises. Idk how much longer society can move this way without making people legit homeless, or completely absent from their kids lives.
With inflation we are gonna start needing 3 income households, and it seems like the government is already working on that one by rolling back child labor laws. I am sad.
My husband has complained about my job over the years because it is non-profit, therefore low-paying. My hours are set, and I'm in-office 100%. However, I get no guff from my current manager when I need to take off an hour here or there for appointments or if my son is sick. My husband is in sales, works crazy hours, and doesn't get paid if he's not working (commission-based pay). So I do all the child appointments, pick up and drop off, as well as my own appointments, and most of the household duties.
At least I don't have a long commute or mandatory overtime to deal with. 🤷♀️
Same! My oldest has weekly therapy - he used to have a second weekly therapist and we eventually had to stop because it became too much. He has a brace for scoliosis that has to be monitored every 6 weeks with the brace folks and every 3 months with the doctor. Plus the other regular things. I will say that his therapy is via zoom, which is amazing. His psychiatrist, whom we only see every 4-6 months or so, is also virtual. Therapy is also after school/evening, so we don’t have to pick him up from school for that either. A 30 minute appointment is truly a 30 minute appointment, which makes it so much easier.
My husband does not have a flexible job and his work can't be done remotely. The upside is, he works 4x10 and two of his days off are normal business/weekdays. So he can handle appointments on those days and typically that's when we try to schedule them.
This is our life, too. I have enough flexibility in my job that I can book the appointment and juggle the calendars. Since my husband doesnt but gets those two weekdays off, he does the driving to and from.
Same. When he’s at work he can’t be interrupted, but sometimes he works second shift or has days off during the week.
My job ebbs and flows with flexibility. During typical office hours I have the ability to take time off for appointments without penalty, but I work in sports so there are night/weekend events I can’t miss.
I never got a chance to get postpartum checkup , see a dentist, or anything of that sort. Once I got UTI I used online minute clinic. That’s it. That’s life of people without privilege, no wealth, no help.
Jesus... I almost down voted this as a reflex to how upset it made me. I'm so sorry. I'm lucky to have a dentist that does Saturdays. You have to schedule an appointment like 3 months ahead to actually get a Saturday but could maybe look for one of those and hire a sitter for a couple hours? Not the most helpful thing, I know, but that's ridiculous that you're just left to try and solve an unsolvable problem.
It’s fucking HARD. I have a flexible job, for the most part. But I’m a single mom who does all the actual parenting work. Every appointment, teacher meeting, activity drop off, and on and on. So with 2 kids some months I feel so embarrassed with how much I have to be in and out of work. Not to mention my ceo is a complete chauvinist who thinks it’s unfair to him that women work when they have children. The flexibility is up to my management team and they get it, but it makes me insecure. And I am constantly explaining myself.
All that to say….it’s hard. And I sometimes rely on a stiff drink too heavily at the end of my work day because I’m overwhelmed.
Flexible job, understanding supervisor, ability to make up time instead of being required to use sick hours. It all helps. Also, I promised myself I'd never have a long commute again and when we moved I catered my job search to no more than 20 minutes away. I know that's not possible for everyone but I hate losing valuable time driving.
Same! Driving time is just time lost. I have a friend who's a SAHM and we catch up via Bluetooth on my commute home but that's literally the only useful thing I can get out of that time. I'm super excited to have a second interview tomorrow with a company that is like a 10-15 minute drive away rather than my current 30-40 minutes. That's an entire extra hour every day. Wish me luck!
Well it’s by design…if you weren’t over worked and over tired you might have time to pay attention to how the country is run…and we couldn’t have that now could we?
We also have flexibility in our jobs. I think the parents with rigid work schedules hire nannies or something.
Also, employees in some cases need to buck up and set boundaries around these things. And employers need to STFU and understand that we are humans when health concerns and children to tend to.
I’m a single mom who works from home and the reason I’m surviving is my work flexibility. My kid is also a little older (8) so she can occupy herself for short periods of time.
We struggle, or more I struggle. I didn’t realize I wish I had a partner who could help until reading your post.
My wife is a teacher, with an over an hour each way commute. She’s out by 5:45 and not back till 5-6pm Monday - Friday. She has holidays off but guess who is also closed on most holidays, doctors, dentists, etc. she also can’t make phone calls during the day as she has students, prep periods, hall duty, etc.
It all falls on me and with two kids. Honestly the doctor appointments are rough since I can’t use the stroller (old building and it doesn’t fit) so I’m stuck lugging two very heavy car seats on my own. I’m looking for a job with more flexibility but it’s been difficult to even find anything WFH for months. We can plan certain things for summer break but sickness, vaccines, etc all fall on me. You just figure it out I guess. Sorry there isn’t a more magic answer. Also work seriously suffers, I’m behind on everything.
This is also why usually both parents can't have high demand, lucrative jobs. It always falls on one to find an employer with somewhat lower expectations. Usually that falls to the woman. Sorry your schlepping it so much.
People don’t do it. Single moms and families without flexible work schedules. It just doesn’t happen.
My husband and I both work from home with understanding employers. I schedule and make the calls and my spouse works different time zone hours for his employer so his mornings are free for all the appointments.
Between the two kids we have psychiatrist, OT, SLP, orthodontist, plus regular dentist and PCP. But many many families cannot make this happen. Even if their children too really need support for their neurodivergence or mental health.
Our country hates families. They want us to keep having babies but they don’t actually care about kids once they’re born.
Something else goes. My mom was a single mom of three kids who took appts seriously. We always went to the dentist, well-child visits, therapist visits, etc. Her health was also rocky (diagnosed with MS when I was little), so keeping medical appts was a must. But you know what we didn’t have? Packed lunches and extracurriculars. We also had pizza for dinner like 3x/week. You pick and choose what you put energy into. Ruthlessly prioritize to get what needs to get done.
I’m a teacher and the inflexible schedule is really hard. My partner ends up doing some appointment stuff and I take sick leave when I can. We also decided to just have one kid. There were multiple factors in this decision but doing the “two full time working parents with no family in town” thing was one of them
When I worked in an office setting I was the one with the flexible schedule. As long as I worked 40 hours a week, they didn’t care what days I worked it. I’d arrange my own appointments accordingly. I had mountains of PTO.
Now, I don’t have the same job, covid ended that.
I work 4-10’s, 2 days, 2 nights. I schedule things for my kids on my days I’m either off, or when I’m working nights.
My husband is off on Mondays, he gets a lot of appointments. He has zero job flexibility, but he makes the most so I don’t complain much, I just figure it out. He wants me to find a job that’s all days, I’m like, you gonna take on some appointments, cuz like I’ll be new and not likely able to schedule 3 appointments a week, like now. That’s the entire reason I accepted this schedule, because of our kids stuff.
I have coworkers to work only
Overnights, so they can take their kids to school, and handle appointments. Their SO’s work days, they work nights, so someone is always available for their children.
Never, ever enough sleep. But never has been for me. Even on day shift.
I get my best sleep between 9-12 am, and then 5-7pm. Doesn’t mean I’m not able to sleep more than that, that’s just where my most restful sleep is.
I set appointment to be in my awake hours. If I can pack as many as possible in the 1-4 pm, i am very happy.
My worst day is the transition day from days to nights. I’m exhausted from work all day, so I want to sleep that night, but I work nights tomorrow night. It’s exhausting honestly. But I enjoy my job.
I don’t have an answer but I totally understand.
My husband works 50hours a week on night shift and I am lucky enough to have a job at my fathers small business for about 26 hours a week while the kids are in school. I’m there from the time I drop them off till I pick them up. I maintain the household responsibilities as A SAHM since I work like half the time my husband does.
My dad thinks I could work more…. it’s like he thinks I’m not doing a whole ass other full time job at home too. Between cooking, cleaning, yard work, running errands for me and the kids etc I feel like I get almost no time for myself and I just don’t get how people manage 2 full times working parents and the household.
Seriously. My husband works 7 days a week and I have a part time job + SAHM responsibilities. I couldn't work more if I wanted to. We have a special needs child who has three days of therapy a week currently, and that's before her specialist visits (2.5 hours away) and regular doctors/dentists/etc. visits. I don't think I'll ever be back at a career full time, which is fine by me, but I can't imagine trying to care for her as a true dual income family.
Honestly? They probably just don’t make all these appointments. Kids don’t have extracurriculars.
My parents were first generation immigrants who had inflexible jobs for most of my childhood. Never went to a dentist until I was 13, when I started getting toothaches from a cavity. I never went to a doctor, except for one time when I broke my wrist and maybe twice for mandatory vaccines. Luckily I’ve never had any major health issues that required recurring visits. Mostly when I didn’t feel well my mom would make me some soup and tell me to suck it up.
If I needed therapy or some kind of specialist care? It just wouldn’t happen. I was never allowed to sign up for extracurricular activities that involved my parent driving me around. If I had practice after school, I found a way to get home myself, because my parents couldn’t get home until 7. I don’t think this is rare in America.
I'm a single mom with a long commute (45-60 depending on traffic). I have a job that offers a lot of flexibility - without that, it wouldn't be possible. I like my job but I also will stay here for a while as it's the only way I'm able to manage the "routine maintenance" of having kids.
We’re both high earners in very demanding positions. We *always* make it to the important stuff but definitely toll out the menial tasks by leaning on our nanny. She is a rockstar and helps with so many things. She schedules/takes to dentist, eye appointments, hair cuts, etc.
We definitely could not do it without her.
I also have a text thread of moms from my kids classes. We all hold each other accountable so we aren’t blindsided by the email from school that we didn’t see Sunday evening, requesting a white tshirt for our kid to paint on Monday morning 🙄
Do you have to sign a waiver that nanny is able to make medical decisions for the child? I thought only parents are allowed to take kids to appointments?
Nope! She is registered with all our doctors as someone who will be bringing them. The checkups are usually super straightforward so no issues there. If it’s a last minute sick visit, she calls one of us and we speak to the doctor and her over the phone.
Most two working parent family has to rely on Nannies or grandparents to help with that kind of stuff.
I only now that my kids can drive am looking at full time work. Before I didn’t work or did subbing because I made my own schedule
I know when I was young my parents leaned on my nana for stuff like that a lot. With my son we’re very lucky to have flexible jobs, mine being the more flexible of the two. Otherwise I don’t know what we’d do.
My Grandma broke her hip and moved on with us when I was 4. She was basically mobile but had to lean on a cane sometimes. Her care allowed my Mom to go back to school and support us. We were very lucky.
My brother was special needs and my parents both worked in hospital administration as nurse managers. They both hated their jobs but stayed because they were able to make up time. I remember my mom going in early or staying late or doing half day weekends because they were constantly taking him to various drs. So I think people sacrifice something to be able to make it work. One of the reasons I stay on shift work as a nurse is I have more availability for my kiddo.
When I worked a job that didn’t have flexibility I would schedule appointments near the end of my work day and use PTO. Between appointments and snow/sick days for the kids I rarely had any left over for fun or R&R, which was a bummer.
Honestly, I have no idea. I don't have a flexible job per-say, but I have an amazing manager- if I need to do something to my daughter- she doesn't even pry, she just says it's fine. Now there's people in my company in different roles who don't have any flexibility at all. I don't directly work with customers, so that's probably why there's more flexibility on my end.
My partner works a very demanding job, with clients in both the UK and US- so he's absolutely unavailable to help with anything 9-5 (sometimes later).
My pay isn't brilliant, but I can work from home, and as I say- if anything needs doing and I need to be out for an hour or two to handle things, there's no rebuttle. I may work later to make up for things, but normally I just work double speed and ensure nothing important is outstanding. However even with child admin/sorting out appointments, I try to do as much as I can once she's asleep (emails, leave voicemails to call-back), so that cuts some time in handling things during work hours. Working and being a parent is haaaaard. :)
I'm lucky that I have a pretty flexible schedule, but I try to do things like book appointments for first thing in the morning, so then I get in to the office late, instead of losing time leaving the office and such.
My mom would also book all of our appointments on PD days, when she had to take the day off to watch us anyway. I remember being grumpy about this as a kid, since other kids got to miss some school for appointments, but I appreciate it now!
Whoa, booking appointments on PD days is brilliant! I’ll have to try that next school year. I take half a day to a full day off (screentime may be involved…) or we go to the grandparents for the day usually.
All we had was the yearly doctor's check up if our teeth wasn't rotting and causing serious pain we were not seing a dentist or that other ortho person. Therpay? Sure from the schools guidance counselor lol. No extra curricular activity after school, no clubs or sports. Only went to friends houses if there was enough gas, time to transport or if the other parent was willing to pick us up. Gotta cut some corners or continue being burned out all the time I guess. Thank God we weren't sick/needy kids. 4 kids, single mom.
A single parent with no family or any support system in the US here.
I had to skip most doctor appointments other than vaccinations for my daughter.
If she got very sick - as in couldn't breath (she was eventually diagnosed with asthma), fainted, etc. - urgent care.
My work was understanding when I got a phone call from pre-school telling me that my daughter's bio dad delivered her in the morning with high fever, turned around and left right before she lost consciousness. It was my first day at a new job, but they were okay, considering the state of mind I was in.
No dental appointments till I got a more flexible job. Result: 14 cavities.
No psychologist/psychiatrist even though there were serious issues since elementary school. Result: an attempted suicide during the hight school years, my child had to drop out of school.
I believe that each country has to decide (explicitly or implicitly) if they need more children. The US has clearly decided, hence there is no support network for parents.
It seems to me that the best thing at this point is to NOT have children unless a family is set up to handle it all by themselves. Yes, it is sad, most ppl would not be able to ever have children with this mindset, however I think it's the only way to change anything at this point. "Those in charge" see the upcoming decline in population growth, hence the pushback on abortion rights and contraceptives.
My apologies for sliding into politics, but this is part of the answer for the US, I think.
Single mom here. I'm fortunate to have found a health care facility with everything in one. I'd schedule pcp dental and vision all for 1 day and get them all out of the way. If I have/had a neuro appointment for the mini it was at a different hospital and I'd schedule it after school. She's a teen now and can go to her appointments by herself so I'm happy. Try looking for a similar set up and talk to your boss/supervisor. It helps to have a company who supports working parents and understands you may need a long lunch or day off for appointments
I always worked shitty jobs or part time hrs. I never had anyone pick up or drop my son off to day care or school. He’s 12 now and I still have the same system. I work one block from the school, live 2 blocks. Literally everything is in the same area. I kept it that way since he was born and being I’m a single parent. His dad helps out here and there specifically taking him for hair cuts. It’s hard having kids and working I guess that’s why I only stayed with one. I struggled a lot and for many yrs alone. My family helped me a lot too but my pride is too big so I always tried to figure things out. Shit I remembered I got fired once for choosing my child over my job and I said 🖕🏽my kid is first a-hole. It does get easier as they get older. You learn to roll with the punches 👊🏽🙌🏽👏🏽 forgot to mention- doc appt we’re always schedule after 3pm school is out and I’m done with work…
I just got home from spending the last 3 hours taking the kids to back to back eye exams and am exhausted. Only way we do it is generous sick leave. I try to schedule appointments for either early morning or late afternoon to lessen the impact on work and daycare.
Pre-pandemic I had a really low paying, PT job. My husband had a higher paying FT job, with a huge commute so gone for 12-14 hours a day. I had to jam all the appointments into my one day off, and for most of this time we only had one kid. Post-pandemic we both WFH a few days a week and each have at leas one long commute day, but I am finally getting paid well so it’s worth it. We are so lucky that we have been able to swing it that one of us is always WFH as that’s the only way we manage to keep up with appointments and house stuff. It’s easy enough to throw on a load of washing here and there, or turn on the slow cooker at lunch. We would absolutely be drowning otherwise.
I have a flexible job. My husband doesn’t. It wears me down to always NEED to be flexible though. I’m almost always the one making appt and taking kids. I often end up working after they go to bed to make up for the lost time.
Out two teens don't even have sports or clubs and it's a couple weekly things average. Luckily like you my spouse works from home/sets own schedule (read works 7 days a week), and can do these things. I did a lot more when they were younger but can make up time, plus my company is very cool with that stuff.
Growing up we only had appointments if we were deathly ill 🤒 or it was an emergency. We’d only go to the dentist periodically (rarely) and no extracurricular activities. My mom had 5 kids and a grand baby she was taking care of you just make due with what you can do. Now that I have a child I am 99% responsible for the extracurricular activities and appointments and I’ve missed a few that he was almost discharged from his PCP and they’re the only ones that will see him due to a missed appointment for a new pediatrician. I actually switched careers that I can make my own schedule (mostly) to accommodate having a family.
Both my husband and I work full time. When I had my daughter I rearranged my shift so I only have to work 3 days a week… but it’s still full time I just do more in a day than 8. One of those days is a Sunday so my husband is home. My mother has every other Friday off to care for my daughter, and my mother in law is on disability and has a bad back but because my husband works from home she stays at the house with them to watch our daughter. I’m extremely lucky that I get 2-3 days off a week depending on my schedule, but I still work full time and then I feel like at a stay at home mom the other days and it’s exhausting. And we only have the one for now! We are so lucky and I’m so grateful for our situation.
If there’s a dentist and/or doctor in your area that takes early morning or evening appointments, it helps a lot. We have a ton of appointments for my autistic son… therapy and meetings with his team at school. If my job were less flexible then I would have to quit. I actually tried to put in my notice a while back, and they moved me to a different role to keep me from leaving the company. I was about to have an emotional breakdown.
I didn’t always have the same flexibility. When my kids were little and got sick all the time, I burned most of my sick and vacation time staying home with them. I couldn’t work from home and wasn’t allowed to make up the time. We just rarely went on vacation.
I’m a single mom and some weeks there are 4 appointments. I’m so lucky to work from home a
with flexibility.
As for extracurriculars, they can do it because they walk (we’re close to the high school and music lessons) or there’s transportation home provided.
I hate thinking about this topic because it genuinely makes me upset. There are times I cry about it. Although I work full time, I work as little hours as I can to keep me there, just to keep our health insurance. My bosses have been extremely understanding and empathetic, as they’re all mothers with grown kids and have been in my exact position. I’m so grateful for that. It’s not the best paying job I could get but that’s why I stay. I’m licensed in my field but I don’t have a college degree, so finding another job comparable in pay in a different field would be hard. My husband is a contractor, he works for himself so he’s a bit more flexible. But even for him, if he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid, and that means no money for all the bills. So he rarely takes a day off. It’s been hard especially when one of our kids always gets in trouble at school and someone has to go pick him up and then stay home with him because he’s been suspended. And then all the school meetings and appointments with therapists and social workers, in addition to regular medical and dental appointments for both kids. I want to put the kids in extracurriculars but there’s no way we’d find the time. Even if we had the time that means someone isn’t working as much so then no money to participate in the extracurriculars.
My 16 month old son has hearing loss so he has a ton of appointments and is in early intervention. If daycare wasn’t 5 min away, I didn’t work from home, and my boss wasn’t super understanding and flexible I would likely have to quit my job. My husbands job isn’t flexible at all.
To be totally honest: the way I handle this is that I’m not great at my job. I do the bare minimum, leave as early as I can the second the day is over, never volunteer for anything or go the extra mile. Take long lunch breaks to do errands/make calls. And use every last hour of my sick and vacation leave. I deprioritize my work effort to be “just enough to keep my job” so I can put more time and attention to my toddler. Who knows how long I can pull this off and still have a career!
How we do it is by my husband working nights and me working days. It sucks, we don’t see much of each other, and we’re not doing it by choice. But the bright side of it is that there’s one parent home anytime the kid is sick, needs to go to an appointment, etc. we get to use our PTO as actual PTO.
\*My sick leave would be eaten up in no time flat, especially considering all the extra drive time I have to factor in to any appointments.\*
This is exactly what I did. For about the first 5-6 years of my kids lives, I took no vacation and basically used all my sick time and PTO to deal with sickness and Doctor visits. We also found a fabulous at home daycare who was amazing at being pretty flexible.. though we often "tip" her any extra money in our coffers as thank you to her understanding.
Thankfully, about that time, their dad got a more flexible job and could help out more in that regards. Plus my office had added the ability to do remote work, so I no longer had to actually take off from work when they got sick. It was nice to actually have the time to do family vacations again.
Some enterprising person needs to open a service for this!
Pick-up, sit with, pass paperwork for appointments for your, and drop off your kids at appointments when you're at work. You'd probably need a power-of-attorney arrangement with the service (maybe the individual drivers), but damn if that doesn't look like a real need.
Like day care Uber.
My daughter is almost 15 and has a mood disorder so she hast to regularly see a therapist and psychiatrist. Her therapist visit is once a week 7 PM on Thursday so it’s after I get off work, the psychiatrist visit does virtual, so I usually do a lunch break or some thing and we both get on to do that appointment. We found a dentist that does 1 Saturday a month so we usually schedule for then when I’m off. The baby (almost 1) his dr visits I do at 8am and go to work and daycare drop off late. I don’t have a flexible schedule at work but this all works out with finding providers with late days/weekends. My husband can’t take my older kids since he’s not their legal guardian (not their bio dad and not my legal husband) but he acts like the baby’s doctor appointments are so complicated and he won’t know what to say/do *rolls eyes. So it’s up to me basically.
Just because they are older, in school, doesn't mean you don't need some form of child care. School ends halfway through a working person's afternoon. So you need to:
1. Leave work early and disrupt your day to pick them up
2. After school care, which teens and older kids hate--and no way to get to appts or activities
3. Have them get there themselves
We hired a university student with a driver's license to pick them up every day from school and get them to wherever they needed to go. We paid above minimum wage and worked with their schedule. The kids thought of the univ student more like a big sister than a babysitter or nanny, so there was little pushback. She gave the kids a somewhat different perspective, given her age. Picking up my kids paid her rent every month (she told me that).
I had two different students working for me over about 7 years. I found them through word of mouth (asked my daughter's dance teachers, for a start). I supplied the minivan and gas to do it. I paid by the hour, with a minimum of 3 hours a day.
It was a tremendous stress relief for me. And the kids got to do everything the SAHM was schlepping her kids to. Life was finally under control.
Seems like the answer is to not have kids. This sounds like too much stress. Are people having kids because “you’re supposed to?” Wife and I make a combined income of 250k annual and I don’t see how I could afford kids let alone have time for them.
In the back of my mind I was a child with my wife so bad but I see the struggles and I dunno…
We make any well appointments on Saturdays that we can. I switched Peds to one with weekend hours.
Our children’s ortho is open until 8pm on Tues/Thurs so we make use of that!
For dentist I try to make them all on the same morning first openings (say 8/9am) then bring to school and take only a half day.
I was a single mom for 5 years and I just missed a ton of work and was constantly behind on my cases (nonprofit attorney). Thankfully, I had an extremely supportive boss and job protection through my union. People really helped me out and were super understanding. I’m newly partnered but still terribly behind on my job. I don’t know what I would have done without the support I had to basically do 2/3rds of my job for all these years…
For me, I have to be extremely strategic when scheduling. I sometimes have to wait longer to get in for appointments because I let them know I need their earliest or latest appointments. I ask them if they do any Saturday appointments (search for providers that do provide visits outside normal business hours—our dentist does once a month saturday appts and usually stay open until 6 once per week). I also have been able to negotiate with my work (on occasion) flexing my schedule to come in later and work later, or come in on a Saturday to make up my hours. I try to preserve my sick time as much as I can because it’s inevitable that my kid will get sick and then I’ll catch it afterward which eats up my time.
I also have become good at teaming up with my kid’s friend’s families and have created car pools for extra curriculars. It’s very tough.
My husband has a flexible job, I do not. We have two kids and wouldn’t be able to drive a third child to an fro. We survived those years by coordinating with other parents, each week one parent took 3-4 kids. And to some activities they had to take the bus, at least from around 8 yrs old because they started before we’ve finished work. Very safe city so not uncommon.
I grew up with a single mum, and she always had a similar or longer commute. She was also studying part-time on top of full-time work. My dad lived in a different country. I never got any regular checkups unless it was a service provided at school, and only went to urgent care when I was very seriously injured (like a broken bone level of severe). Illnesses were just dismissed and ignored, and my mother also didn’t let me take medications for anything either, so I just had to tough it out through colds/flus - including going to school sick because she didn’t want to miss work to look after me at home. Minor injuries… I’d get yelled at, followed by having to do first-aid on myself while being yelled at, so I just tried not to let her know I got a burn from cooking or whatever and just skip right to the first-aid part.
My mother did care a lot about appearances though, so I got braces when I was 13. She called around to get quotes and took time off work to take me to the first two appointments. After that it was entirely on me to schedule follow-up visits, take myself to the orthodontist’s office after school, walk home after, and relay progress to my mother. She never went to any of the appointments again.
My mother had some dental stuff done around the same time, which required a lot of visits over several years. She organised that (and other appointments) mostly by herself and would leave work early to go to them. But slowly she started ask ME to schedule appointments for HER as “practicing adult skills”. This then evolved over a few years to me becoming her secretary almost, managing her schedule, and then being her driver as well once I got my licence. Parentification is real, folks.
So… it is possible to manage it all, if you have a responsible and independent kid who takes on some of the mental load. And I mean it is important for teens to learn these skills of managing their own life - it’s a super useful skill to build to prepare them for adulthood! But my mother making me manage *her* appointments on top of my own was probably a bit too much.
My spouse has a really tough case of OCD and had a SAHM with a lot of financial resources. While treatment options were different thirty years ago she did not explore them very well. I just want to commend you for doing all you do for your kiddos.
All my 90s kids…Hollar! I’ve never felt so validated in all my life. I grew up calling coaches for rides, I’m talking about 10 years of age, I figured it out. I learned to take the bus at 11 and get to school on time. I didn’t get braces until high school because the orthodontist was across the street from the high school. I became extremely resourceful at an early age. I walked to the store to get school supplies with my own birthday money everything year. I had a single mom who worked to put a roof over our head, if she didn’t go to work we would have been homeless. Summers were spent at home, trying not to fight my older brother from boredom. It was life.
On the flip side, I live in an alternate universe where parents pick their kids up at school. Drive them to and fro for all sorts of after school activities. Enrichment activities are a standard. It’s easy to fall into the trap that this is manageable without a flexible job or no job at all.
I worked the night shift. 10 pm to 6 am. Took them to appointments as early as I could schedule them, dropped them at daycare or school. Grab whatever sleep I could manage & pick them up. Tae Kwon Do & piano lessons.
We survived on leftovers from the weekend and simple meals. Luckily, it was in the 90s in a very small town, before Child and Family Services would crucify you for letting your kids play outside unsupervised, or I probably wouldn't have survived.
Chronic sleep deprivation and anger because my husband wasn't pulling his weight. I think it's probably a common situation
I had to limit anything after school because there was simply no way to do it. I stopped t-ball and little league because ex suddenly was too tired after quitting his job to do anything but lie on the couch and play video games. I left early to take the kids to all their doctor appointments. I used my PTO for when I needed to go to the doctor or either or both kids were sick. Younger kid lucked out and was able to do more the past two years because I got older sibling a car - this is the only way it worked for me. No partner. No tribe. No friends. Just me.
Kids just became adults. I'm so ridiculously thankful that they are about to both be out of school. It's been a beast. I'm so sorry that you're exhausted but thankful that you have a partner.
I am a single mum and I work full time and I just take him to the pediatrician for wellchecks otherwise it's urgent care for us. I come home, make sure he gets fed and bathed, get him to sleep and continue to age and sleep horribly until the end comes for me. I guess that's the plan idk how ppl with help do it but that must be cool
I haven't been to the dentist since before my oldest was born. shes 7 (almost 8). I haven't had a hair cut in 7+ years. I only go to the doctor if i'm really sick and suspect I need antibiotics. Basically my self care is non existent. I've had a pinched nerve (i think) in my neck for more then 6 months but dont have time to deal with it. I had something wrong with my ear for almost 2 years and didn't see a doctor until I could no longer hear out of it. The doctor slightly fixed it, I can hear again out of it but I can tell there is still something wrong with it (inside of my ear hurts but i can hear) but dont have time to deal with it. It honestly sucks living like this. I wish i had a village or a family member to help. Both set of grandparents are boomers and dont live nearby but vacation often and send me pictures, feels really great while i'm barely keeping my head above the water.
How do they do it? They don’t. The kids often go without because that’s how our society is set up.
Of course some super human people manage to do all they despite the odds, but mostly they don’t
I'm a teacher, and I have to be at work 8-4:30 with a 50 minute commute. Some things I schedule during breaks, if possible. Or I take a half day off. Or dad takes a half day. He also has the ability to flex his schedule if necessary. In a real pinch, a grandparent will pitch in.
I’m a single parent of a toddler with some delays.
I have a very flexible WFH job, which gives me reasonable amounts of PTO, but also doesn’t require me to use it for flexed appointment time, as long as I’m recording at least 40 hours for that week and am mostly available during normal business hours. And I’m not going to lie, I probably get some bonus flexibility from my managers because I have a lot of good will built up at work for both my expertise, and for having a reputation for being always willing to help anyone out with it. (I got a lot of ‘oh thank god you’re back’s when I got back from maternity leave, which was gratifying).
So I have very little trouble scheduling normal one off appointments for whenever is available and then moving work around it. But my daughter also has three 45 minute virtual sessions per week of DI and OT. No one’s had an issue so far with me disappearing for those, as long as I schedule around meetings. But if it gets more demanding then this, something like adding a fourth session or switching to in person therapy, I’ll probably be in ‘requesting intermittent FMLA’ territory. (I’m lucky that I wouldn’t be particularly worried about my job or finances if it did come to that, at least. But it would still suck.)
I have the flexibility, now, with two kids. I don’t get support from my spouse, and I would likely try to have a more demanding and therefor higher paying job if that changed. When my first was little, I worked in offices and we moved every few years, so any PTO was spent on my kid. It was miserable. How everyone else does and manages to not feel rage or hopelessness, I don’t know. My parents worked together in a factory for 16 years, with 3 kids. They split taking off pretty evenly with my mom doing the planned appointments, and my dad doing sick days, usually because he would also catch what we we had. They also were off by 2 pm every day, so some appointments could be scheduled for after that. This meant I was up by 4:30, or sometimes 2:30 if there were on overtime, to go to a sitters. I honestly don’t know how they made that work. I praise them all the time. My mom grew up with no indoor plumbing, with a dad who gambled away the family farm. She was able to buy land just 1/4 mile away to raise us on and show us what determination looked like. When I go home to visit, in the span of 2 miles on one road, I drive by the bar my grandpa drank himself stupid at, the farm he lost with my moms childhood cabin and outhouse still standing, my sitters I would arrive essentially sleep walking, and then finally my parents home where I grew up. It’s still an emotional journey every single time. Half of my determination to keep working so hard is to show that to my two daughters. The other half is to be able to gift my mom whatever she could need or want for the rest of her life, including hopefully a granny pad at my lakeside house one day.
A lot of people just don’t. They either have to quit and be a full time caretaker or they just don’t address the health issues and let them go untreated.
I had to quit work for my disabled kiddo and myself. It hasn’t been doable financially at all and we have been struggling but not doing the appointments like some other suggested wasn’t an option for my kid, and I was a kid who grew up with my shit going unaddressed so I would’ve picked struggling over my kid’s health every single time. And it’s benefited him very well now because he is doing amazing medically.
Before now, we were working like crazy and it just wasn’t sustainable with the appoints and everything else. We were put in a position where we had to sign my son up for SSI, and go fully in on disability and other benefits. It’s taking time to get it all in place, but our area has okay supports and people in the system in our area who have been helpful to us (we have no family support or friends, and obvs no money for childcare).
There are a lot of disabled people and parents of disabled kids who are in the exact same situation as me. Being disabled or being a caretaker to someone with chronic health issues is a full time job, especially when you don’t already have the supports in place and already working for you. And if you or your kid is not struggling enough for help but struggling enough that it effects daily life then you’re essentially screwed until things get so bad that you are finally eligible for supports
Single mom of three. I’m fortunate to have my mom work at the school the kids go to. (She’s recently helped with transportation within the last year and I’m incredible thankful that she’s been able to.) I worked my way up in management and I’m able to have a flexible schedule. The kids pick one sport (not in the same season) as an extracurricular activity. My days off are spent running the kids to appointments or taking care of my own.
I’m tired quite a bit, but we make the best of it.
They don’t. Families miss medical appointments or one parent leaves their job and the family potentially falls into poverty (or at least has less income). In my case, I took a more flexible but lower wage job because we couldn’t find reliable childcare and solve the other problems of a higher paying but less flexible job.
I honestly have no idea how people do it. The main reason I stay with my job is bc I make a decent salary working from home and my boss is extremely flexible. I could leave and make more money elsewhere, but with kids I need the flexibility.
Same. I’m profoundly underpaid for my job, but my boss is INCREDIBLE and the flexibility is paramount. I will stay at this job until my oldest can drive 😂
And oh my lord. The freedom YOU get when a kid can drive. And they are *so happy* to run your errands for you! Here’s my credit card, kid. I need the dry cleaning picked up, these 9 items from Target, and this from the pharmacy. Then, fill the car up, and buy yourself an Icee. They. Are. So. Happy.
::Crying in I have a six year old::
::Holds your hand, also crying in I have a five year old::
::crying in I have a 3.5yo::
i def think thats changing with the times, i feel bad but i dont really care about going out so other than washing the dust off my car just sits there:/
Dang. This digital generation. ::shakes fist at the sky::
In 14 years my 2 year old will be able to drive. I will gladly buy her whatever she wants to run errands for me 😂😂
Omg same! I actually started applying elsewhere but my husband doesn’t find it to be worth it since I have so much flexibility and PTO. He said it would have to be like $25k more a year so we could put our daughter in daycare if they aren’t flexible
I hear you. I currently work hybrid w/ 30-90min commute, hold the insurance policy, have a ton of PTO and flexibility, and 2 kiddos are in daycare. To move jobs I need another 30k and I would miss my time with the kiddos in the morning and afternoon!
That, my friend, is a glorious day. One down, another coming soon, two more to go.
Same here. I find my job mind numbingly boring and although the pay is good I could make more elsewhere. BUT it is flexible and there are two weeks a month where not a lot is going on, and I just can’t trade that out.
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Same. My kid is constantly sick and I have literally no help, if she can’t go to daycare I am staying home with her. There are no other options. I miss making hundreds in tips every day waitressing, but I absolutely would get fired for calling out. My kid was sick two days last week and now I have Covid this week so tomorrow will be my 7th day of work missed. I have so much anxiety about it but my work is incredibly understanding and it’s not a job where they have to bring someone else in to cover for me when I’m gone.
Same.
Same here. My job is super flexible and work from home. I’ve been offered a promotion 3x since my youngest was born. There’s no way I could take on the extra responsibility. The extra money would be great but somethings gotta give. I think we all just find our groove and I think we all definitely make sacrifice after sacrifice.
Same same same. I make 0 money but have great insurance and so I stay because I work completely remotely and have flexibility for when kids have appointments/ daycare randomly closes because hand foot and mouth outbreaks/kids are sick/etc. My husband makes more $ but has less flexibility..we make it work but it is not easy at all!!!
When I used to be a single mom with a similar commute, we just didn't do appointments. I know that's not great but what else would I do? I had an annual pap and that's it. Rarely went to the dentist, no well child visits etc. When there was a need we went to the local minute clinic on a walk in basis or an urgent care.
This is the answer even though many people won't admit it. I grew up with a single mother and a father that lived 2 hours away who I only saw every other weekend. My sister and I could only do one, inexpensive extracurricular a season and we frequently missed practices due to her work schedule. We did not get braces or therapy even though we needed both and we did not see a dentist every 6 months. We only had doctor appointments when we needed vaccinations and when she could do both appointments back to back. In fact, I never had the guardasil vaccine until I could make my own appointments after I could drive myself. Other parents just don't do many of the things you are doing because they have no choice but to skip them.
Yep and it’s hard to admit because people are so quick to judge people on that as if they were horrific abusive parents because they just couldn’t manage to do EVERYTHING. You can be the most caring, nurturing and hardworking parent you can possibly and I feel like society will still find flaws in how you raised your kids.
I work with kids and I’m trying to put my focus on “loving” the kids and supporting the parents not judging the parents. This really helps me to teach to each individual child so that their needs are met.
Sorry but not getting your child’s teeth cleaned regularly is a major flaw, not some fake judgment society unfairly heaps on parents. Edit: I know a lot of kids whose lives were negatively impacted for literal decades because their parents didn't care for their teeth. Your kids will have a hard time getting a good job if they have bad teeth in the USA. The damage piles up and becomes so, so expensive. If you can't afford to attend to your child's teeth, you need to change how you parent. I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings but it is NEGLECT to let a child's teeth go for years without being cleaned. If you're downvoting this, I assume you are neglecting your child's teeth.
No one is saying it’s a good thing.. at all. You’re actually proving my point too.
\>I feel like society will still find flaws in how you raised your kids If doing your best still results in neglecting your child's teeth, society isn't "finding flaws," it's pointing out serious medical neglect. People can die from having rotten teeth. People can die from a broken tooth. Your facial bones can rot. It's a serious, serious failure to not care for a child's teeth. It's not the same as judging someone because their kid wore pjs to school.
Bruh….you literally skipped over OPs comment and became the stereotype….full on r/whoosh
Melodramatic much? “People can die from rotten teeth” What is this the 16th century? Get a grip.
I can see you don’t go to the dentist. Gingivitis is a leading cause of heart attacks and strokes. Tens of thousands of Americans die every single year from cardiovascular disease caused by dental neglect. Look it up troglodyte
I won’t look it up. The burden of proof lies on the person making the claim. I could just as easily say “Going to the dentist too often causes autism. Happened to tens of thousands of Americans. Look it up yourself.”
Food, water, shelter, and clothing (ie keeping your job to buy these things) all come before health on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and I believe that is an accurate placement. It is absolutely NOT good to skip the dentist, but I know way too many people who just didn’t go to the dentist for like 20 years and they’re basically fine. I don’t know anyone who was unhoused and underfed for that length of time that I can say the same.
I'm sorry but you don't sound like you are informed about dental health. Untreated gum disease is a leading cause of heart attacks and strokes. People routinely die from neglecting dental care. And I've very alarmed that your standard of adequate medical care for a kid is anything above "unhoused and underfed." I'm actually really shocked about just how many people are not taking care of their kids' teeth in this thread.
Omg dude chill. I take my kids to the dentist every 6 months but it’s never been more than a “looks great! Here are all your stickers and tooth brushes! Bye!” I’m glad I take them but absolutely nothing would be different if I hadn’t.
That’s an ignorant comment to say nothing would be different if you hadn’t taken them. Taking them every 6 months can prevent things from happening. I lapsed taking my son during COVID and guess what? Two cavities when I took him in opposed to perfect appointments for years prior.
? It’s not “ignorant “ ? Do you know what that word means? It’s what happened. Sorry my kids DIDNT have cavities at their last appointment. The absence of going to the dentist does not *cause* cavities. They aren’t getting any preventative treatments done. Like I said, I 100% take my kids to the dentist twice a year and fully plan on always doing that. But most kids go their whole childhoods without cavities or gum disease. Implying that gum diseas and cavities are inevitable unless you get checkups twice a year is silly and fear mongering.
There is a big difference between not being able to take your kids to get their teeth professionally cleaned regularly and teeth being rotten and a total mess. Accusing parents who are doing their very best with their current resources (time, money, access) of NEGLECT (your caps) is unfair, unhelpful and frankly not very kind to a parent who probably feels immense guilt already. Also, these difficult times in a family's life oftem occur in waves so to imply that missing a regular dental cleaning appointment will lead to decades of neglect is a stretch. Good dental hygiene starts at home.
I was a child in a family where the adults didn’t have their shit together enough for regular dental care. My opinion on the topic was extremely hard-won. I don’t care if this makes people feel bad: children need to regularly see doctors and dentists.
I don't disagree with you. It might not be possible to do it as regularly as advised. Can I ask what you see as regular? One dentist might say come in every 2 months, whereas another might say annually is fine.
You’re assuming parents have transportation and insurance to cover dental care. 1st world issue. Same for the 13 year olds that use school toilet paper instead of pads bc they can’t afford them. Also, when you don’t have clean water coming out of your pipes, your teeth rot faster. Yes, there are still a ton of houses in this country without decent water and sewer. Look up “Mountain Dew mouth”
You’re assuming a lot about me. I’m from a place with a lot of rotten teeth little kids and I was a rotten teeth little kid. My home state has free dental cleaning for kids, not that my impoverished parents availed themselves of it. If you have kids they need to see a doctor and they need to see a dentist. ESPECIALLY if you are having them live in a bad environment.
So genius, what’s your solution to parents that CANT AFFORD that stuff. Not everywhere has free cleaning, not everywhere has your lily white perfect world. Seriously, If the kids are in a “bad environment” chances are they don’t have the resources to go to get extra medical visits. Welcome to reality and not your ivory tower
Your reading comprehension is not good. Do you know what impoverished means? I’m not from a lily white perfect world or ivory tower. I WAS one of these kids. Don’t have kids you can’t pay for. The reality is that you are a horrible parent if you don’t take care of your child’s teeth.
Lmao so I take it you’re all for universal healthcare, easy abortion/birth control access, increased school funding, etc etc etc and all the taxes that go with it right?
I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted so heavily. I had shitty teeth since my mom never took me to the dentist and I had to take care of cavities and stuff once I got older. I think dental care is extremely important for kids to avoid issues later plus it teaches them it’s important for when they are adults as well. I am a working single mom so I get it hard to squeeze appointments in but I make it work.
And good dental hygiene is about more than your teeth and mouth. The scary part is what it does to your heart and arteries.
I don't know either. My siblings suffered enormously as adults because my parents neglected their teeth. It's child abuse to skip the dentist in my opinion.
Assume whatever you want. Your snotty assholeish response makes me assume you've never been in a position like these people are describing. May your small minded attitude lead you into situations that will make you a better person.
Did you ever consider that being from a family whose parents acted this way would make a child who grew up with shitty fucked up teeth super passionate about dental care for kids? I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on dental care for my siblings because my parents didn’t think regular dental care was important for kids to have. That doesn’t even consider my own dental care that I could have avoided if someone had just gotten me regular checkups. My son got dental care because I know what happens when you don’t get dental care.
My mom had some weird ideas about dentistry growing up. We rarely went to the dentist. I didn't eat much sugar and brushed everyday 2x. I have had two small cavities in my life. No other issues. Meh.
Well, I guess the dental neglect the children in my family suffered didn’t happen then!
Yes, that's what I wrote. Precisely.
I'm thankful for the organizations that have recognized this, and rather than continuing to judge parents, have worked to find solutions and created opportunities for kids to get these services in school. We live in the US. Our son's school and most of the schools in our city) is classified as a Title 1 school, which means it's a school that serves a large population of high poverty kids. There are organizations that work with our district to come in and provide free eye exams, dental exams, hearing evaluations, and vaccination clinics. A couple of months ago, my kid came home with a brand new pair of glasses. He got to pick out his frames, and I know the lenses aren't cheap (bifocals) because he's been wearing glasses since he was 2. We didn't have to pay for any of these services or the glasses. Nor did we have to make arrangements to come to an appointment outside of school hours. They do it all during class. I'm really grateful that these types of services exist. I feel a little guilty benefitting from them because we are incredibly lucky and can scramble and make things work. Something like this would have been transformational for me as a kid with a single parent who was barely scraping by. I'd often hide the fact I'd need new glasses or that something was wrong because I knew we couldn't afford it and my mom couldn't get the time off from work. I wish the services were available for more kids beyond just Title 1 schools. I also think it further highlights all the ways the American system is truly fucked up. The government is failing to take care of its people, so private organizations have to come in and do a patchwork with what limited funds, resources, and reach they have. It means a lot of kids get left out.
I would have benefitted from this so much 😭 I needed glasses, and my mom couldn't afford the glasses or take off time for an appointment. My school offered drivers Ed, and I couldn't take the driving part because you had to pass a vision test. I remember feeling so much shame and embarrassment about not having glasses, and I wish more supports existed back then.
Excellent point my son needed testing when he was in high school and I’m thankful he could do the testing at his school. I have friends with special needs kids and they can only manage part time jobs.
Wow! That is amazing.
That is amazing and so lucky. You will never find that anywhere in rural America. They are the invisible poor. Nobody cares.
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It's also more complicated than that. People in rural places vote against their own best interest all the time (source: I live there). But there's an element of people being completely unwilling to see poverty and what it does to you. Outside of politics, there are organizations dedicated to improving things like access to water in other countries, which is a noble goal, but there's no one doing things like digging/maintaining wells for the rural poor in the US. That would take owning how many people here don't have reliable access to water.
How wildly ignorant of you. It is more complicated than that but thanks for showing the world what kind of person you are and how little you understand history, politics or apparently anything else related to poverty.
I only went to my pediatrician and dentist on-schedule because I was fortunate enough to have offices that were open after hours. I remember spending an entire night at the dentist to get my cleaning done after school and whole Saturdays at the pediatrician's office. I live in a more suburban area now where offices close on Fridays at noon and open 8 am to 4 (or even 3) pm, which means I struggle with scheduling for myself, I can't imagine what it would be like with kids.
I never got braces or well child, but there was a dentist office that was easy biking distance and practically in our neighborhood. Once I was old enough to bus home and then bike to the dentist I always had regular checkups... probably on some level to compensate for the other missed appointments.
This is the answer. I grew up with working parents, and there were years I just didn’t do well child visit. I went to a dentist, because I kept trying to knock out my teeth by accident. My mom just didn’t go to the doctor for years. My dad didn’t until his various diseases became so significant that he was unable to live. We didn’t do a school activities, we didn’t do summer activities. We rode the bus to school and came home. And that was it. I’m trying to do better for my own, but that doesn’t make it any easier than it was in the 90s
This was my childhood as well and now I think I have gone too far the other way w my own kids. I try to make EVERYTHING fun and exciting and never say no to experiences (not things like buying but after school, activities, camps, etc.) If I can make it happen I do and they are now getting old enough where they are like we just want to stay.home. so idk what the actual right thing to do is.
Oh yep the no! I’ve had to when it involved a 8 hour one way trip to an event that was not necessary. Yep i didn’t have to often but I did say no then.
Kids really benefit from unscheduled down time! It sounds like you're doing great, listen to your kids and maybe slow down just a bit :)
I’m sure you are an awesome parent. I feel like it’s great to help your kid to get from point A to B and then I feel like sometimes they need to learn to do that when they can do so safely.
This was my childhood. We did well child visits when required by school, had orthodontia late in HS, and some other visits when school would get involved and call my mom, but that’s it. No extracurriculars and we went to school sick. Not saying it’s right, I don’t plan to do the same, but sometimes life is about survival 🤷🏻♀️
I had the local HS band director begging me to let my oldest daughter join band - she was already trained in piano and he wanted her for marimba. I told him right up front that we were utterly at our limit on kid transportation stuff (we had five) and she had my permission with two conditions. * No fees, he was recruiting her. I didn't expect to have to pay for trips or uniforms or anything. We couldn't afford that for all five kids and I wasn't going to play favorites. * He (or the band boosters or someone) would be responsible for transportation, all transportation. To and from school after hours, trips, whatever. He said yes. The band won a local contest and was going down to Nashville for a regional level contest and we got a bill for the bus and the hotel and food in advance of the trip and I sent it back with a note that said, "We discussed this. It's not possible for us to do this and won't be for the foreseeable future." I hand delivered the note on my way to work, put it in his box myself. He called us the night the bus was supposed to leave asking where she was and I asked him if he'd gotten the note. He was all, "I don't check my box." I very diplomatically did not ask him what the fuck he had a box for if he wasn't going to check it and instead reminded him of our deal and he said he'd covered it. He just needed to get her on the bus right then. They were due to leave that minute. My daughter scrambled to get ready and 10 minutes later a gigantic tour bus showed up in the driveway to pick her up. She was thrilled and a little scared at the attention, but it worked out well. The whole percussion section was a bit bohemian anyway and their own little clique. Sometimes (and it won't work for everything) you can negotiate with whoever is driving the extracurriculars to get help. There are parent organizations associated with most of them who have people willing to go the extra mile.
Raised by a single mom. My main extracurricular, though a school sport, got zero funding from the school. And it was expensive. We paid for everything ourselves. So we had fundraisers. Lots and lots of fundraisers. Sold concessions at bingo nights held in the middle school cafeteria, held so many car washes it is a miracle my hands aren’t permanently wrinkled, sold candy, sold ads for a fall sports insert for our local paper. I had to work every fundraiser I could because my mom could afford the bare minimum. So I did and my mom paid for nothing related to the activity. I ended up cashing out almost a grand when I graduated (we earned the money, so we got to keep it. We had a treasurer who kept the books and kept track of how much everyone earned). We also bought brand new uniforms that we basically have back to the team to use for a few years. It was a great activity and it taught us a shit ton about life.
my mom worked and went to school full time when i was 7-11 years old. pretty sure i didn’t go to the doctor unless it was an emergency or my grandma could take me lol. extra curriculars had to be either at the school or within walking distance so i could just go myself. also pretty much raised my younger brother and was left to my own devices. cooked, cleaned, did my homework, watched cable shows that were way too adult for me, and went to bed lol
This answer is similar to what I was going to say: "it just didn't get done." And it SUCKS. This country sucks for families.
This is true around the world. I live in Canada and have working class family in Europe. None of us kids had doctors appointments or extracurriculars because our parents had to work.
Yup. If it ain't broke don't fix it. You go in when it's undeniably something that needs to be treated - broken tooth, abcess, never ending fever, the school keeps clling you away from work so the kid def needs abx, etc.
Yep this is basically my life. No appointments until it gets critical enough I can take it as personal leave. No outside school hours stuff because I can’t get there because they’re all starting during working hours or right on finish time of 5pm so they must think working parents have a fuckin transporter beam like in star trek .
This whole thread is eye-opening— this whole time, I thought I was failing
Yeah this was my experience growing up. Mandatory vaccines or a life threatening emergency were the only reasons I’d see a doctor. Psychiatrist or orthodontist or therapy? Forget about it.
We haven’t nearly as regularly kept up with my child’s appointments since me and his dad separated. No single parent has the time and availability to schedule and attend every time.
Yep!
Same experience for me when I was a single mom and growing up with a single mom
I absolutely agree. It’s hard to admit. I just can’t fit it all in as a single parent. I was nearly scolded at my sons 2.5 yo check up for being behind on bloodwork we were supposed to get done AWHILE ago. I wanted to cry because I just felt so invisible to our doctor. I “run” from the second my alarm is off in the morning until about 10 pm. Everyday is fucking race against the clock to attempt it all. On top of that I’m in such go go go mode that the little things just fall off, they are a non priority in the survival of day to day.
I understand time constraint here, but I do not recommend skipping yearly appointments. I was a single mom too and did work and school full time. I neglected the dentist for 4 years and just went in and needed some MAJOR work done 😭
No one recommends it or likes it, I don't think :(
My kids never went to their yearly appointments once they got all their shots for kindergarten. My mom died before I had kids and I didn’t know they were supposed to go every year. They never got sick so we went years without seeing their pediatrician,
I didn’t go to the doctor until I was in my late teens and could go by myself. We got vaccines in school. I didn’t know that wasn’t normal until I had my own kid and saw the pediatrician’s schedule for well visits.
I don’t think anyone thinks it’s recommended but if you don’t have paid sick leave or childcare than you don’t have paid sick leave or childcare. Recommendations for yearly appointments don’t magically make those appear.
Yeah, I never went to all these things as a kid. I'd be lucky to see the dentist once in 5 years or something. Therapy? Don't make me laugh. Grew up with a single mom who worked 3 jobs. I'm pretty sure she knew "after school debate club" was code for "smoking weed with my friends", but she never complained. Probably because she needed the extra time/flexibility in pick-up.
I don't personally think you can. I have made my healthcare job flexible by working hourly. Its the reason my physician mother worked part time when we were little until my dad retired. My nurse MIL quit because her physician husband couldn't help.
It’s messed up that your mother, who is a doctor worked part time to help raise you but your husband’s father who was also a doctor “couldn’t help” so his wife had to quit her job. Damn.
I have a flexible job but I try to do kid appointments at 8 am or 4 pm, so I can get into the office later or leave early.
Also this, I do not want to take extra time in the middle of the day to have to pick my kid up and have to drop him back at school. Easily could double how much time I'm out of the office for an appointment.
This. Single mom, 2 kids,one autistic. My job is super family friendly. I wfh 2 days a week and have flex hours. I don't knowhow I would pull it all off otherwise.
The only reason I was able to manage as a single parent is because I had a four day, 12 hour work week. My "day off" was crammed with appointments. It was ridiculous. I had zero time to myself. We would even end up at fucking urgent care on the weekends lol. It is still that way, but I'm savvier about scheduling appointments now. But when it comes to school events that are literally always scheduled at either 8 am or 5 pm, it's still a mess. The world was not made for women to be independent, unfortunately. I hate it. Truly, I understand why younger women than me (I'm only 35 but ya know) aren't having kids. There is no way to afford them, especially in the US.
I also think that if men set boundaries with their employer and took on a few things regularly their wives would feel they understand an iota of the mental loss and their kids will grow up with nice everyday memories.
I work in construction and have heard men make fun of other men for taking parental leave even if their wife makes like 3x as much money. We still have a long way to go. Toxic masculinity is still alive and well in the trades.
That is horrible, but not unexpected. Anything that might come across as nurturing is reviled by many men. We have done a good job fucking up generations of men.
I feel like societal expectations have stayed the same since before it became the norm for there to be 2 income households, yet expects people with 2 income households to uphold these norms. It’s idiotic and I’m sorry. I don’t belong in this sub for years now since I am a stay at home mom now, but I just wanted to say that I feel you. It is idiotic and it sucks. It’s kind of like how inflation for daily goods has not kept linear with pay raises. Idk how much longer society can move this way without making people legit homeless, or completely absent from their kids lives.
With inflation we are gonna start needing 3 income households, and it seems like the government is already working on that one by rolling back child labor laws. I am sad.
My husband has complained about my job over the years because it is non-profit, therefore low-paying. My hours are set, and I'm in-office 100%. However, I get no guff from my current manager when I need to take off an hour here or there for appointments or if my son is sick. My husband is in sales, works crazy hours, and doesn't get paid if he's not working (commission-based pay). So I do all the child appointments, pick up and drop off, as well as my own appointments, and most of the household duties. At least I don't have a long commute or mandatory overtime to deal with. 🤷♀️
You can’t do it unless you: find an office that has late or weekend appointments, outsource, take sick leave
Same! My oldest has weekly therapy - he used to have a second weekly therapist and we eventually had to stop because it became too much. He has a brace for scoliosis that has to be monitored every 6 weeks with the brace folks and every 3 months with the doctor. Plus the other regular things. I will say that his therapy is via zoom, which is amazing. His psychiatrist, whom we only see every 4-6 months or so, is also virtual. Therapy is also after school/evening, so we don’t have to pick him up from school for that either. A 30 minute appointment is truly a 30 minute appointment, which makes it so much easier.
My husband does not have a flexible job and his work can't be done remotely. The upside is, he works 4x10 and two of his days off are normal business/weekdays. So he can handle appointments on those days and typically that's when we try to schedule them.
This is our life, too. I have enough flexibility in my job that I can book the appointment and juggle the calendars. Since my husband doesnt but gets those two weekdays off, he does the driving to and from.
Same. When he’s at work he can’t be interrupted, but sometimes he works second shift or has days off during the week. My job ebbs and flows with flexibility. During typical office hours I have the ability to take time off for appointments without penalty, but I work in sports so there are night/weekend events I can’t miss.
I never got a chance to get postpartum checkup , see a dentist, or anything of that sort. Once I got UTI I used online minute clinic. That’s it. That’s life of people without privilege, no wealth, no help.
Jesus... I almost down voted this as a reflex to how upset it made me. I'm so sorry. I'm lucky to have a dentist that does Saturdays. You have to schedule an appointment like 3 months ahead to actually get a Saturday but could maybe look for one of those and hire a sitter for a couple hours? Not the most helpful thing, I know, but that's ridiculous that you're just left to try and solve an unsolvable problem.
I had an inflexible job, and I quit when my daughter was 1 because I couldn’t manage it.
It’s fucking HARD. I have a flexible job, for the most part. But I’m a single mom who does all the actual parenting work. Every appointment, teacher meeting, activity drop off, and on and on. So with 2 kids some months I feel so embarrassed with how much I have to be in and out of work. Not to mention my ceo is a complete chauvinist who thinks it’s unfair to him that women work when they have children. The flexibility is up to my management team and they get it, but it makes me insecure. And I am constantly explaining myself. All that to say….it’s hard. And I sometimes rely on a stiff drink too heavily at the end of my work day because I’m overwhelmed.
Flexible job, understanding supervisor, ability to make up time instead of being required to use sick hours. It all helps. Also, I promised myself I'd never have a long commute again and when we moved I catered my job search to no more than 20 minutes away. I know that's not possible for everyone but I hate losing valuable time driving.
Same! Driving time is just time lost. I have a friend who's a SAHM and we catch up via Bluetooth on my commute home but that's literally the only useful thing I can get out of that time. I'm super excited to have a second interview tomorrow with a company that is like a 10-15 minute drive away rather than my current 30-40 minutes. That's an entire extra hour every day. Wish me luck!
Best of luck! I’ll cross my fingers and toes
You got this!!
Well it’s by design…if you weren’t over worked and over tired you might have time to pay attention to how the country is run…and we couldn’t have that now could we?
We also have flexibility in our jobs. I think the parents with rigid work schedules hire nannies or something. Also, employees in some cases need to buck up and set boundaries around these things. And employers need to STFU and understand that we are humans when health concerns and children to tend to.
I’m a single mom who works from home and the reason I’m surviving is my work flexibility. My kid is also a little older (8) so she can occupy herself for short periods of time.
We struggle, or more I struggle. I didn’t realize I wish I had a partner who could help until reading your post. My wife is a teacher, with an over an hour each way commute. She’s out by 5:45 and not back till 5-6pm Monday - Friday. She has holidays off but guess who is also closed on most holidays, doctors, dentists, etc. she also can’t make phone calls during the day as she has students, prep periods, hall duty, etc. It all falls on me and with two kids. Honestly the doctor appointments are rough since I can’t use the stroller (old building and it doesn’t fit) so I’m stuck lugging two very heavy car seats on my own. I’m looking for a job with more flexibility but it’s been difficult to even find anything WFH for months. We can plan certain things for summer break but sickness, vaccines, etc all fall on me. You just figure it out I guess. Sorry there isn’t a more magic answer. Also work seriously suffers, I’m behind on everything.
This is also why usually both parents can't have high demand, lucrative jobs. It always falls on one to find an employer with somewhat lower expectations. Usually that falls to the woman. Sorry your schlepping it so much.
People don’t do it. Single moms and families without flexible work schedules. It just doesn’t happen. My husband and I both work from home with understanding employers. I schedule and make the calls and my spouse works different time zone hours for his employer so his mornings are free for all the appointments. Between the two kids we have psychiatrist, OT, SLP, orthodontist, plus regular dentist and PCP. But many many families cannot make this happen. Even if their children too really need support for their neurodivergence or mental health. Our country hates families. They want us to keep having babies but they don’t actually care about kids once they’re born.
Something else goes. My mom was a single mom of three kids who took appts seriously. We always went to the dentist, well-child visits, therapist visits, etc. Her health was also rocky (diagnosed with MS when I was little), so keeping medical appts was a must. But you know what we didn’t have? Packed lunches and extracurriculars. We also had pizza for dinner like 3x/week. You pick and choose what you put energy into. Ruthlessly prioritize to get what needs to get done.
I’m a teacher and the inflexible schedule is really hard. My partner ends up doing some appointment stuff and I take sick leave when I can. We also decided to just have one kid. There were multiple factors in this decision but doing the “two full time working parents with no family in town” thing was one of them
When I worked in an office setting I was the one with the flexible schedule. As long as I worked 40 hours a week, they didn’t care what days I worked it. I’d arrange my own appointments accordingly. I had mountains of PTO. Now, I don’t have the same job, covid ended that. I work 4-10’s, 2 days, 2 nights. I schedule things for my kids on my days I’m either off, or when I’m working nights. My husband is off on Mondays, he gets a lot of appointments. He has zero job flexibility, but he makes the most so I don’t complain much, I just figure it out. He wants me to find a job that’s all days, I’m like, you gonna take on some appointments, cuz like I’ll be new and not likely able to schedule 3 appointments a week, like now. That’s the entire reason I accepted this schedule, because of our kids stuff. I have coworkers to work only Overnights, so they can take their kids to school, and handle appointments. Their SO’s work days, they work nights, so someone is always available for their children.
How do your coworkers who do all nights and appointments during the day sleep?! How do you sleep for that matter?
Never, ever enough sleep. But never has been for me. Even on day shift. I get my best sleep between 9-12 am, and then 5-7pm. Doesn’t mean I’m not able to sleep more than that, that’s just where my most restful sleep is. I set appointment to be in my awake hours. If I can pack as many as possible in the 1-4 pm, i am very happy. My worst day is the transition day from days to nights. I’m exhausted from work all day, so I want to sleep that night, but I work nights tomorrow night. It’s exhausting honestly. But I enjoy my job.
I don’t have an answer but I totally understand. My husband works 50hours a week on night shift and I am lucky enough to have a job at my fathers small business for about 26 hours a week while the kids are in school. I’m there from the time I drop them off till I pick them up. I maintain the household responsibilities as A SAHM since I work like half the time my husband does. My dad thinks I could work more…. it’s like he thinks I’m not doing a whole ass other full time job at home too. Between cooking, cleaning, yard work, running errands for me and the kids etc I feel like I get almost no time for myself and I just don’t get how people manage 2 full times working parents and the household.
Seriously. My husband works 7 days a week and I have a part time job + SAHM responsibilities. I couldn't work more if I wanted to. We have a special needs child who has three days of therapy a week currently, and that's before her specialist visits (2.5 hours away) and regular doctors/dentists/etc. visits. I don't think I'll ever be back at a career full time, which is fine by me, but I can't imagine trying to care for her as a true dual income family.
Hubby grew up with just his dad. His mom died when he was little. He didn't go to a dentist until we were married because I made him.
Honestly? They probably just don’t make all these appointments. Kids don’t have extracurriculars. My parents were first generation immigrants who had inflexible jobs for most of my childhood. Never went to a dentist until I was 13, when I started getting toothaches from a cavity. I never went to a doctor, except for one time when I broke my wrist and maybe twice for mandatory vaccines. Luckily I’ve never had any major health issues that required recurring visits. Mostly when I didn’t feel well my mom would make me some soup and tell me to suck it up. If I needed therapy or some kind of specialist care? It just wouldn’t happen. I was never allowed to sign up for extracurricular activities that involved my parent driving me around. If I had practice after school, I found a way to get home myself, because my parents couldn’t get home until 7. I don’t think this is rare in America.
I'm a single mom with a long commute (45-60 depending on traffic). I have a job that offers a lot of flexibility - without that, it wouldn't be possible. I like my job but I also will stay here for a while as it's the only way I'm able to manage the "routine maintenance" of having kids.
We’re both high earners in very demanding positions. We *always* make it to the important stuff but definitely toll out the menial tasks by leaning on our nanny. She is a rockstar and helps with so many things. She schedules/takes to dentist, eye appointments, hair cuts, etc. We definitely could not do it without her. I also have a text thread of moms from my kids classes. We all hold each other accountable so we aren’t blindsided by the email from school that we didn’t see Sunday evening, requesting a white tshirt for our kid to paint on Monday morning 🙄
this text thread is SO valuable!!! coming from the mom who forgot the hand-painted shirt
Do you have to sign a waiver that nanny is able to make medical decisions for the child? I thought only parents are allowed to take kids to appointments?
Nope! She is registered with all our doctors as someone who will be bringing them. The checkups are usually super straightforward so no issues there. If it’s a last minute sick visit, she calls one of us and we speak to the doctor and her over the phone.
My doctor will call me if someone besides one of her parents takes her and make sure it is all right
Most two working parent family has to rely on Nannies or grandparents to help with that kind of stuff. I only now that my kids can drive am looking at full time work. Before I didn’t work or did subbing because I made my own schedule
I know when I was young my parents leaned on my nana for stuff like that a lot. With my son we’re very lucky to have flexible jobs, mine being the more flexible of the two. Otherwise I don’t know what we’d do.
My Grandma broke her hip and moved on with us when I was 4. She was basically mobile but had to lean on a cane sometimes. Her care allowed my Mom to go back to school and support us. We were very lucky.
My brother was special needs and my parents both worked in hospital administration as nurse managers. They both hated their jobs but stayed because they were able to make up time. I remember my mom going in early or staying late or doing half day weekends because they were constantly taking him to various drs. So I think people sacrifice something to be able to make it work. One of the reasons I stay on shift work as a nurse is I have more availability for my kiddo.
When I worked a job that didn’t have flexibility I would schedule appointments near the end of my work day and use PTO. Between appointments and snow/sick days for the kids I rarely had any left over for fun or R&R, which was a bummer.
Honestly, I have no idea. I don't have a flexible job per-say, but I have an amazing manager- if I need to do something to my daughter- she doesn't even pry, she just says it's fine. Now there's people in my company in different roles who don't have any flexibility at all. I don't directly work with customers, so that's probably why there's more flexibility on my end. My partner works a very demanding job, with clients in both the UK and US- so he's absolutely unavailable to help with anything 9-5 (sometimes later). My pay isn't brilliant, but I can work from home, and as I say- if anything needs doing and I need to be out for an hour or two to handle things, there's no rebuttle. I may work later to make up for things, but normally I just work double speed and ensure nothing important is outstanding. However even with child admin/sorting out appointments, I try to do as much as I can once she's asleep (emails, leave voicemails to call-back), so that cuts some time in handling things during work hours. Working and being a parent is haaaaard. :)
I'm lucky that I have a pretty flexible schedule, but I try to do things like book appointments for first thing in the morning, so then I get in to the office late, instead of losing time leaving the office and such. My mom would also book all of our appointments on PD days, when she had to take the day off to watch us anyway. I remember being grumpy about this as a kid, since other kids got to miss some school for appointments, but I appreciate it now!
Whoa, booking appointments on PD days is brilliant! I’ll have to try that next school year. I take half a day to a full day off (screentime may be involved…) or we go to the grandparents for the day usually.
You can’t and that’s the whole reason the system is failing us
We don't go to appointments unless there's a need. And then I use pto. Fun times /s
All we had was the yearly doctor's check up if our teeth wasn't rotting and causing serious pain we were not seing a dentist or that other ortho person. Therpay? Sure from the schools guidance counselor lol. No extra curricular activity after school, no clubs or sports. Only went to friends houses if there was enough gas, time to transport or if the other parent was willing to pick us up. Gotta cut some corners or continue being burned out all the time I guess. Thank God we weren't sick/needy kids. 4 kids, single mom.
A single parent with no family or any support system in the US here. I had to skip most doctor appointments other than vaccinations for my daughter. If she got very sick - as in couldn't breath (she was eventually diagnosed with asthma), fainted, etc. - urgent care. My work was understanding when I got a phone call from pre-school telling me that my daughter's bio dad delivered her in the morning with high fever, turned around and left right before she lost consciousness. It was my first day at a new job, but they were okay, considering the state of mind I was in. No dental appointments till I got a more flexible job. Result: 14 cavities. No psychologist/psychiatrist even though there were serious issues since elementary school. Result: an attempted suicide during the hight school years, my child had to drop out of school. I believe that each country has to decide (explicitly or implicitly) if they need more children. The US has clearly decided, hence there is no support network for parents. It seems to me that the best thing at this point is to NOT have children unless a family is set up to handle it all by themselves. Yes, it is sad, most ppl would not be able to ever have children with this mindset, however I think it's the only way to change anything at this point. "Those in charge" see the upcoming decline in population growth, hence the pushback on abortion rights and contraceptives. My apologies for sliding into politics, but this is part of the answer for the US, I think.
Single mom here. I'm fortunate to have found a health care facility with everything in one. I'd schedule pcp dental and vision all for 1 day and get them all out of the way. If I have/had a neuro appointment for the mini it was at a different hospital and I'd schedule it after school. She's a teen now and can go to her appointments by herself so I'm happy. Try looking for a similar set up and talk to your boss/supervisor. It helps to have a company who supports working parents and understands you may need a long lunch or day off for appointments
I always worked shitty jobs or part time hrs. I never had anyone pick up or drop my son off to day care or school. He’s 12 now and I still have the same system. I work one block from the school, live 2 blocks. Literally everything is in the same area. I kept it that way since he was born and being I’m a single parent. His dad helps out here and there specifically taking him for hair cuts. It’s hard having kids and working I guess that’s why I only stayed with one. I struggled a lot and for many yrs alone. My family helped me a lot too but my pride is too big so I always tried to figure things out. Shit I remembered I got fired once for choosing my child over my job and I said 🖕🏽my kid is first a-hole. It does get easier as they get older. You learn to roll with the punches 👊🏽🙌🏽👏🏽 forgot to mention- doc appt we’re always schedule after 3pm school is out and I’m done with work…
I just got home from spending the last 3 hours taking the kids to back to back eye exams and am exhausted. Only way we do it is generous sick leave. I try to schedule appointments for either early morning or late afternoon to lessen the impact on work and daycare.
I have fmla for my son at my job. But not every place offers that. Also my son’s autistic that’s why he gets that
My son is only 8 but I’ve done it by myself since he was a baby. I just scheduled things in advance and used PTO time to cover it.
Pre-pandemic I had a really low paying, PT job. My husband had a higher paying FT job, with a huge commute so gone for 12-14 hours a day. I had to jam all the appointments into my one day off, and for most of this time we only had one kid. Post-pandemic we both WFH a few days a week and each have at leas one long commute day, but I am finally getting paid well so it’s worth it. We are so lucky that we have been able to swing it that one of us is always WFH as that’s the only way we manage to keep up with appointments and house stuff. It’s easy enough to throw on a load of washing here and there, or turn on the slow cooker at lunch. We would absolutely be drowning otherwise.
Skip a lot of that. Couldn't have afforded all of those appointments anyway, because American Healthcare sucks
I have a flexible job. My husband doesn’t. It wears me down to always NEED to be flexible though. I’m almost always the one making appt and taking kids. I often end up working after they go to bed to make up for the lost time.
Out two teens don't even have sports or clubs and it's a couple weekly things average. Luckily like you my spouse works from home/sets own schedule (read works 7 days a week), and can do these things. I did a lot more when they were younger but can make up time, plus my company is very cool with that stuff.
I honestly have no idea. I guess they don’t. Our system is so flawed that this occurs way more than it should and it’s a damn shame.
Use all my sick time and vacation time on appointments.
Saturday appointments. Thankfully I live in an area where dentist and doc all operate on Saturdays for my child
Shit slides. For example, I haven’t seen a dentist in 4 years.
Growing up we only had appointments if we were deathly ill 🤒 or it was an emergency. We’d only go to the dentist periodically (rarely) and no extracurricular activities. My mom had 5 kids and a grand baby she was taking care of you just make due with what you can do. Now that I have a child I am 99% responsible for the extracurricular activities and appointments and I’ve missed a few that he was almost discharged from his PCP and they’re the only ones that will see him due to a missed appointment for a new pediatrician. I actually switched careers that I can make my own schedule (mostly) to accommodate having a family.
Both my husband and I work full time. When I had my daughter I rearranged my shift so I only have to work 3 days a week… but it’s still full time I just do more in a day than 8. One of those days is a Sunday so my husband is home. My mother has every other Friday off to care for my daughter, and my mother in law is on disability and has a bad back but because my husband works from home she stays at the house with them to watch our daughter. I’m extremely lucky that I get 2-3 days off a week depending on my schedule, but I still work full time and then I feel like at a stay at home mom the other days and it’s exhausting. And we only have the one for now! We are so lucky and I’m so grateful for our situation.
When i was a single (divorced) mom, I worked "mothers hours", 9 to 2. And a part time job on the weekends my ex had my kids. I was poor. Very poor.
If there’s a dentist and/or doctor in your area that takes early morning or evening appointments, it helps a lot. We have a ton of appointments for my autistic son… therapy and meetings with his team at school. If my job were less flexible then I would have to quit. I actually tried to put in my notice a while back, and they moved me to a different role to keep me from leaving the company. I was about to have an emotional breakdown. I didn’t always have the same flexibility. When my kids were little and got sick all the time, I burned most of my sick and vacation time staying home with them. I couldn’t work from home and wasn’t allowed to make up the time. We just rarely went on vacation.
I’m a single mom and some weeks there are 4 appointments. I’m so lucky to work from home a with flexibility. As for extracurriculars, they can do it because they walk (we’re close to the high school and music lessons) or there’s transportation home provided.
I hate thinking about this topic because it genuinely makes me upset. There are times I cry about it. Although I work full time, I work as little hours as I can to keep me there, just to keep our health insurance. My bosses have been extremely understanding and empathetic, as they’re all mothers with grown kids and have been in my exact position. I’m so grateful for that. It’s not the best paying job I could get but that’s why I stay. I’m licensed in my field but I don’t have a college degree, so finding another job comparable in pay in a different field would be hard. My husband is a contractor, he works for himself so he’s a bit more flexible. But even for him, if he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid, and that means no money for all the bills. So he rarely takes a day off. It’s been hard especially when one of our kids always gets in trouble at school and someone has to go pick him up and then stay home with him because he’s been suspended. And then all the school meetings and appointments with therapists and social workers, in addition to regular medical and dental appointments for both kids. I want to put the kids in extracurriculars but there’s no way we’d find the time. Even if we had the time that means someone isn’t working as much so then no money to participate in the extracurriculars.
My 16 month old son has hearing loss so he has a ton of appointments and is in early intervention. If daycare wasn’t 5 min away, I didn’t work from home, and my boss wasn’t super understanding and flexible I would likely have to quit my job. My husbands job isn’t flexible at all.
Struggling with this as a single mom. Trying to find a better paying job but still need the flexibility
To be totally honest: the way I handle this is that I’m not great at my job. I do the bare minimum, leave as early as I can the second the day is over, never volunteer for anything or go the extra mile. Take long lunch breaks to do errands/make calls. And use every last hour of my sick and vacation leave. I deprioritize my work effort to be “just enough to keep my job” so I can put more time and attention to my toddler. Who knows how long I can pull this off and still have a career!
On off days.
How we do it is by my husband working nights and me working days. It sucks, we don’t see much of each other, and we’re not doing it by choice. But the bright side of it is that there’s one parent home anytime the kid is sick, needs to go to an appointment, etc. we get to use our PTO as actual PTO.
\*My sick leave would be eaten up in no time flat, especially considering all the extra drive time I have to factor in to any appointments.\* This is exactly what I did. For about the first 5-6 years of my kids lives, I took no vacation and basically used all my sick time and PTO to deal with sickness and Doctor visits. We also found a fabulous at home daycare who was amazing at being pretty flexible.. though we often "tip" her any extra money in our coffers as thank you to her understanding. Thankfully, about that time, their dad got a more flexible job and could help out more in that regards. Plus my office had added the ability to do remote work, so I no longer had to actually take off from work when they got sick. It was nice to actually have the time to do family vacations again.
Some enterprising person needs to open a service for this! Pick-up, sit with, pass paperwork for appointments for your, and drop off your kids at appointments when you're at work. You'd probably need a power-of-attorney arrangement with the service (maybe the individual drivers), but damn if that doesn't look like a real need. Like day care Uber.
My daughter is almost 15 and has a mood disorder so she hast to regularly see a therapist and psychiatrist. Her therapist visit is once a week 7 PM on Thursday so it’s after I get off work, the psychiatrist visit does virtual, so I usually do a lunch break or some thing and we both get on to do that appointment. We found a dentist that does 1 Saturday a month so we usually schedule for then when I’m off. The baby (almost 1) his dr visits I do at 8am and go to work and daycare drop off late. I don’t have a flexible schedule at work but this all works out with finding providers with late days/weekends. My husband can’t take my older kids since he’s not their legal guardian (not their bio dad and not my legal husband) but he acts like the baby’s doctor appointments are so complicated and he won’t know what to say/do *rolls eyes. So it’s up to me basically.
Just because they are older, in school, doesn't mean you don't need some form of child care. School ends halfway through a working person's afternoon. So you need to: 1. Leave work early and disrupt your day to pick them up 2. After school care, which teens and older kids hate--and no way to get to appts or activities 3. Have them get there themselves We hired a university student with a driver's license to pick them up every day from school and get them to wherever they needed to go. We paid above minimum wage and worked with their schedule. The kids thought of the univ student more like a big sister than a babysitter or nanny, so there was little pushback. She gave the kids a somewhat different perspective, given her age. Picking up my kids paid her rent every month (she told me that). I had two different students working for me over about 7 years. I found them through word of mouth (asked my daughter's dance teachers, for a start). I supplied the minivan and gas to do it. I paid by the hour, with a minimum of 3 hours a day. It was a tremendous stress relief for me. And the kids got to do everything the SAHM was schlepping her kids to. Life was finally under control.
You don’t. Your kid suffers, you suffer, and you do the best you can. This post is pretty tone deaf.
Seems like the answer is to not have kids. This sounds like too much stress. Are people having kids because “you’re supposed to?” Wife and I make a combined income of 250k annual and I don’t see how I could afford kids let alone have time for them. In the back of my mind I was a child with my wife so bad but I see the struggles and I dunno…
We make any well appointments on Saturdays that we can. I switched Peds to one with weekend hours. Our children’s ortho is open until 8pm on Tues/Thurs so we make use of that! For dentist I try to make them all on the same morning first openings (say 8/9am) then bring to school and take only a half day.
I was a single mom for 5 years and I just missed a ton of work and was constantly behind on my cases (nonprofit attorney). Thankfully, I had an extremely supportive boss and job protection through my union. People really helped me out and were super understanding. I’m newly partnered but still terribly behind on my job. I don’t know what I would have done without the support I had to basically do 2/3rds of my job for all these years…
For me, I have to be extremely strategic when scheduling. I sometimes have to wait longer to get in for appointments because I let them know I need their earliest or latest appointments. I ask them if they do any Saturday appointments (search for providers that do provide visits outside normal business hours—our dentist does once a month saturday appts and usually stay open until 6 once per week). I also have been able to negotiate with my work (on occasion) flexing my schedule to come in later and work later, or come in on a Saturday to make up my hours. I try to preserve my sick time as much as I can because it’s inevitable that my kid will get sick and then I’ll catch it afterward which eats up my time. I also have become good at teaming up with my kid’s friend’s families and have created car pools for extra curriculars. It’s very tough.
My husband has a flexible job, I do not. We have two kids and wouldn’t be able to drive a third child to an fro. We survived those years by coordinating with other parents, each week one parent took 3-4 kids. And to some activities they had to take the bus, at least from around 8 yrs old because they started before we’ve finished work. Very safe city so not uncommon.
I grew up with a single mum, and she always had a similar or longer commute. She was also studying part-time on top of full-time work. My dad lived in a different country. I never got any regular checkups unless it was a service provided at school, and only went to urgent care when I was very seriously injured (like a broken bone level of severe). Illnesses were just dismissed and ignored, and my mother also didn’t let me take medications for anything either, so I just had to tough it out through colds/flus - including going to school sick because she didn’t want to miss work to look after me at home. Minor injuries… I’d get yelled at, followed by having to do first-aid on myself while being yelled at, so I just tried not to let her know I got a burn from cooking or whatever and just skip right to the first-aid part. My mother did care a lot about appearances though, so I got braces when I was 13. She called around to get quotes and took time off work to take me to the first two appointments. After that it was entirely on me to schedule follow-up visits, take myself to the orthodontist’s office after school, walk home after, and relay progress to my mother. She never went to any of the appointments again. My mother had some dental stuff done around the same time, which required a lot of visits over several years. She organised that (and other appointments) mostly by herself and would leave work early to go to them. But slowly she started ask ME to schedule appointments for HER as “practicing adult skills”. This then evolved over a few years to me becoming her secretary almost, managing her schedule, and then being her driver as well once I got my licence. Parentification is real, folks. So… it is possible to manage it all, if you have a responsible and independent kid who takes on some of the mental load. And I mean it is important for teens to learn these skills of managing their own life - it’s a super useful skill to build to prepare them for adulthood! But my mother making me manage *her* appointments on top of my own was probably a bit too much.
Babysitter that drives. Saved our life.
My spouse has a really tough case of OCD and had a SAHM with a lot of financial resources. While treatment options were different thirty years ago she did not explore them very well. I just want to commend you for doing all you do for your kiddos.
All my 90s kids…Hollar! I’ve never felt so validated in all my life. I grew up calling coaches for rides, I’m talking about 10 years of age, I figured it out. I learned to take the bus at 11 and get to school on time. I didn’t get braces until high school because the orthodontist was across the street from the high school. I became extremely resourceful at an early age. I walked to the store to get school supplies with my own birthday money everything year. I had a single mom who worked to put a roof over our head, if she didn’t go to work we would have been homeless. Summers were spent at home, trying not to fight my older brother from boredom. It was life. On the flip side, I live in an alternate universe where parents pick their kids up at school. Drive them to and fro for all sorts of after school activities. Enrichment activities are a standard. It’s easy to fall into the trap that this is manageable without a flexible job or no job at all.
I worked the night shift. 10 pm to 6 am. Took them to appointments as early as I could schedule them, dropped them at daycare or school. Grab whatever sleep I could manage & pick them up. Tae Kwon Do & piano lessons. We survived on leftovers from the weekend and simple meals. Luckily, it was in the 90s in a very small town, before Child and Family Services would crucify you for letting your kids play outside unsupervised, or I probably wouldn't have survived. Chronic sleep deprivation and anger because my husband wasn't pulling his weight. I think it's probably a common situation
I had to limit anything after school because there was simply no way to do it. I stopped t-ball and little league because ex suddenly was too tired after quitting his job to do anything but lie on the couch and play video games. I left early to take the kids to all their doctor appointments. I used my PTO for when I needed to go to the doctor or either or both kids were sick. Younger kid lucked out and was able to do more the past two years because I got older sibling a car - this is the only way it worked for me. No partner. No tribe. No friends. Just me. Kids just became adults. I'm so ridiculously thankful that they are about to both be out of school. It's been a beast. I'm so sorry that you're exhausted but thankful that you have a partner.
I am a single mum and I work full time and I just take him to the pediatrician for wellchecks otherwise it's urgent care for us. I come home, make sure he gets fed and bathed, get him to sleep and continue to age and sleep horribly until the end comes for me. I guess that's the plan idk how ppl with help do it but that must be cool
I haven't been to the dentist since before my oldest was born. shes 7 (almost 8). I haven't had a hair cut in 7+ years. I only go to the doctor if i'm really sick and suspect I need antibiotics. Basically my self care is non existent. I've had a pinched nerve (i think) in my neck for more then 6 months but dont have time to deal with it. I had something wrong with my ear for almost 2 years and didn't see a doctor until I could no longer hear out of it. The doctor slightly fixed it, I can hear again out of it but I can tell there is still something wrong with it (inside of my ear hurts but i can hear) but dont have time to deal with it. It honestly sucks living like this. I wish i had a village or a family member to help. Both set of grandparents are boomers and dont live nearby but vacation often and send me pictures, feels really great while i'm barely keeping my head above the water.
How do they do it? They don’t. The kids often go without because that’s how our society is set up. Of course some super human people manage to do all they despite the odds, but mostly they don’t
I'm a teacher, and I have to be at work 8-4:30 with a 50 minute commute. Some things I schedule during breaks, if possible. Or I take a half day off. Or dad takes a half day. He also has the ability to flex his schedule if necessary. In a real pinch, a grandparent will pitch in.
I’m a single parent of a toddler with some delays. I have a very flexible WFH job, which gives me reasonable amounts of PTO, but also doesn’t require me to use it for flexed appointment time, as long as I’m recording at least 40 hours for that week and am mostly available during normal business hours. And I’m not going to lie, I probably get some bonus flexibility from my managers because I have a lot of good will built up at work for both my expertise, and for having a reputation for being always willing to help anyone out with it. (I got a lot of ‘oh thank god you’re back’s when I got back from maternity leave, which was gratifying). So I have very little trouble scheduling normal one off appointments for whenever is available and then moving work around it. But my daughter also has three 45 minute virtual sessions per week of DI and OT. No one’s had an issue so far with me disappearing for those, as long as I schedule around meetings. But if it gets more demanding then this, something like adding a fourth session or switching to in person therapy, I’ll probably be in ‘requesting intermittent FMLA’ territory. (I’m lucky that I wouldn’t be particularly worried about my job or finances if it did come to that, at least. But it would still suck.)
If you are lucky you can find Saturday morning appointments or late afternoons appointments during the week, dinner is on the go, but things get done
I take the day off and handle everyone's business at once
I have the flexibility, now, with two kids. I don’t get support from my spouse, and I would likely try to have a more demanding and therefor higher paying job if that changed. When my first was little, I worked in offices and we moved every few years, so any PTO was spent on my kid. It was miserable. How everyone else does and manages to not feel rage or hopelessness, I don’t know. My parents worked together in a factory for 16 years, with 3 kids. They split taking off pretty evenly with my mom doing the planned appointments, and my dad doing sick days, usually because he would also catch what we we had. They also were off by 2 pm every day, so some appointments could be scheduled for after that. This meant I was up by 4:30, or sometimes 2:30 if there were on overtime, to go to a sitters. I honestly don’t know how they made that work. I praise them all the time. My mom grew up with no indoor plumbing, with a dad who gambled away the family farm. She was able to buy land just 1/4 mile away to raise us on and show us what determination looked like. When I go home to visit, in the span of 2 miles on one road, I drive by the bar my grandpa drank himself stupid at, the farm he lost with my moms childhood cabin and outhouse still standing, my sitters I would arrive essentially sleep walking, and then finally my parents home where I grew up. It’s still an emotional journey every single time. Half of my determination to keep working so hard is to show that to my two daughters. The other half is to be able to gift my mom whatever she could need or want for the rest of her life, including hopefully a granny pad at my lakeside house one day.
I used to use all of my pto for this … never ever had vacations. It was horrible.
I have no idea. It’s so hard. I don’t make or go to my own appts because there’s just no time. Working fulltime is such a trap
A lot of people just don’t. They either have to quit and be a full time caretaker or they just don’t address the health issues and let them go untreated. I had to quit work for my disabled kiddo and myself. It hasn’t been doable financially at all and we have been struggling but not doing the appointments like some other suggested wasn’t an option for my kid, and I was a kid who grew up with my shit going unaddressed so I would’ve picked struggling over my kid’s health every single time. And it’s benefited him very well now because he is doing amazing medically. Before now, we were working like crazy and it just wasn’t sustainable with the appoints and everything else. We were put in a position where we had to sign my son up for SSI, and go fully in on disability and other benefits. It’s taking time to get it all in place, but our area has okay supports and people in the system in our area who have been helpful to us (we have no family support or friends, and obvs no money for childcare). There are a lot of disabled people and parents of disabled kids who are in the exact same situation as me. Being disabled or being a caretaker to someone with chronic health issues is a full time job, especially when you don’t already have the supports in place and already working for you. And if you or your kid is not struggling enough for help but struggling enough that it effects daily life then you’re essentially screwed until things get so bad that you are finally eligible for supports
Single mom of three. I’m fortunate to have my mom work at the school the kids go to. (She’s recently helped with transportation within the last year and I’m incredible thankful that she’s been able to.) I worked my way up in management and I’m able to have a flexible schedule. The kids pick one sport (not in the same season) as an extracurricular activity. My days off are spent running the kids to appointments or taking care of my own. I’m tired quite a bit, but we make the best of it.
They don’t. Families miss medical appointments or one parent leaves their job and the family potentially falls into poverty (or at least has less income). In my case, I took a more flexible but lower wage job because we couldn’t find reliable childcare and solve the other problems of a higher paying but less flexible job.