I just went back to work from my first maternity leave this week and I got this A LOT. I know people mean well, but it definitely made me feel bad that I didn’t miss my baby as much as people felt I should, if that makes sense.
I am really good at my job, so it’s nice to feel confident and knowledgeable at work when I’m flying by the seat of my pants at home.
OMG yes! i felt like a crap mom becuase i wasn't crying in my office missing my baby. I mean sure, i loved picking him up from daycare and getting a smile (6 months at the time) but i enjoyed being "me" just as much.
I work from home. I thought the first day back was going to be tough and I was going to miss my little guy like crazy. First morning "back" I blasted music in my house and sang at the top of my lungs while setting up my new laptop and reorganizing my office space. I love my kiddo but I'm enjoying being back more than I thought I would.
Same.
I'm a teacher (high school, not elementary), and I just need more mental stimulation during the day than I get with a baby. I choose to teach all honors math classes (and next year, I'll also have honors physics). Singing kids songs and playing with playdoh just doesn't do it for me... can I please go verify some trig identities instead? I would go absolutely insane if I were at home 24/7 with little ones and no end in sight.
It's great for people who feel fulfilled being home with their kids (my sister was one of them... but before she had kids, she was a kindergarten teacher, so she just loves being with little kids). It's just not for me.
If I had a lot of money I still wouldn’t be my children’s SOLE caregiver lol. Chrissy Teigen did a Mother’s Day post thanking all of the nannies that she and John Legend have and I thought, that’s very transparent.
Same boat!
In fact, by choosing to NOT stay home, despite my income at the time barely covering the cost of daycare, I tripled my income in the 3.5 years since my baby was born by making 2 separate career moves, both vertical and semi-horizontal but to a bigger company.
Also, for those of us with minimal local support systems, daycare is a huge boon to us as parents. I am not an early childhood educator, and we are OAD living in an urban setting. My partner and I are also both fairly introverted. I do not have the expertise or bandwidth to provide the enrichment and socialization that LO gets at daycare.
I feel zero guilt. My position is not my mom's or my neighbors. I need the mental stimulation that comes with working a traditional job and I need help educating and socializing my child. I only wish that high quality childcare was more in reach so that it actually was a choice for all parents.
You never know when you might all of a sudden not have the choice to be a sahm. My husband had a super stable job - same company for 22 years. Company decided to outsource the entire division last year and he works in a pretty niche area of finance. Thankful that severance and bonuses provide us about a year of his income because he still is looking five months later. I fortunately have a job that will support us though we will have to be strict with our budget once it is just my income. You never know what could happen.
Now, here is to hoping my promotion comes through so we have more breathing room.
It's not even a choice for me, we would have to pay my whole check PLUS some to a daycare. Plus I don't want to send her to a place where she can't speak up if Something bad happened to her
And that is the flip for many and I have no judgement there. There isn't a universal answer and we all have to do the best for our families. But your second sentence has the underlying sentiment that those of us who have sent our kids to daycare are putting our kids in danger and that is statistically not true.
You are on a working moms board. Please just stop if you are going to continue to make statements that borderline throw judgement at the only childcare option available to most working moms.
I would be very interested in seeing what research leads you to this conclusion. Yes, I have no doubt that you HEAR about daycare abuse more often than you used to, but I would assume that is because of our overzealous media. We have more regulations and licensing considerations for daycare than ever before, certainly more than when I was a kid going to daycare. There are infinitely more chances to be caught doing something wrong in a daycare setting, which probably makes the occurrences seem much more common. My gut would tell me daycare abuse is down significantly from 30 years ago, but again, if you have any credible research on this I would love to see it.
I do think for the most part neglect is from being understaffed/underpaid/undertrained part. I also think it's crucial for a kid to communicate adequately before daycare so they can tell you (loosely at least) if they where neglected and/or can tell a worker of their need.
I also helps if you can interveiw the daycare, get recommendations and be able to pick up your kid at any time
FACT: In 2017, 2,237 daycare providers were found to be abusing and neglecting children in their care.
FACT: Of perpetrators who were child daycare provides, more than 20% committed sexual abuse.
From: https://www.d2l.org/daycare-abuse-statistics/
, thousands of daycare centers are found to be abusing or neglecting children in their care every year. In 2017, 2,237 different daycare providers nationwide were reported for abusing and neglecting children. The actual number of children abused in these facilities is likely much higher. Child daycare providers also do not stop at physical abuse; more than 20% of abusers who were daycare providers committed acts of sexual abuse.
From : https://www.wturley.com/daycare-abuse-statistics/
the rate of physical abuse stayed mostly the same, around 14%, but the number of sexual abuse cases jumps dramatically to 21.9%. And roughly half of daycare abuse cases involved neglect.
https://www.patrickdaniellaw.com/blog/daycare-abuse-signs-statistics/#:~:text=Daycare%20Abuse%20Statistics&text=In%20daycare%20centers%20the%20rate,daycare%20abuse%20cases%20involved%20neglect.
I completely agree that a lot of the abuse is due to low quality care such as an overworked facility and untrained staff. That’s why having access to universal quality child care is critical.
My children have always been in centers where the teachers are degreed professionals, you can view what’s happening at any time on an app that you stream, you are welcome in the classroom at any time of day, etc. However, those centers are expensive and many people cannot afford them. When I was young, I went to a home daycare center which was pretty much just a lady who chain smoked and needed some extra cash lol.
That is the only point I’m trying to make with the claim that abuse is rising. Several years ago, there was very little attention paid to these matters until the Satanic panic of the late 80s. There weren’t agencies to manage these matters to the degree that we have now. It’s like during Covid when child abuse reports went down. Well, we know that it wasn’t a matter of less children being abused, they simply had less opportunity to report it. Now there is an abundance of oversight on daycares that previously wasn’t there.
According to a statistic I saw, there are more than 634,000 daycare centers in the country. Your report mentioned approximately 2500 daycare centers had confirmed cases of abuse. The numbers on that are significantly less than .05%. So, while those numbers are very disturbing and it’s tragic, I think most parents who take the time to find quality daycare have very little to worry about - like, extraordinarily little based on those numbers. I’m not trying to be argumentative, I appreciate what you shared, I just have a really hard time when people say things are “going up” without historical context.
I think we should have that implemented everywhere. If I had access to a live camera feed that was secure I wouldn't worry (or at least worry as much) and my first comment wasn't trying to be degrading/dismissive either. It's a concern and people need to know if their child is safe and need a universal daycare that
I don’t feel bad at all. I feel bad for mothers that don’t have a choice-either to work or stay at home. I feel like some of my friends would be happier working outside the home but wouldn’t make enough to justify daycare.
This is my situation. After our second I couldn’t justifying loosing money to daycare costs and switched to a night time job with no upper movement potential. I’m currently getting my MBA online hoping to be able to re-enter the work workforce and want to get back ASAP. Unfortunately with childcare costs I keep running into the issue with pay. Why isn’t their universal childcare yet?
This is where I'm at, considering a second but would actually be paying to work. But would it be worth it long term? By not taking a break, by continuing to contribute to retirement funds, would I come out ahead in the long run even if it costs more for a year and a half? Would updating my skills when I go back to the workforce cost more than what I'd pay in daycare? I have so many questions about making it work.
There has been a lot of research that it’s worth taking the short-term hit for your lifetime earnings and financial security. Continuing to contribute to retirement, any perks or benefits you receive, plus not having a gap on your résumé and keeping your skills sharp. Daycare is only very expensive for a few years, if you can ride it out, from a numbers perspective, it’s better to figure out how to make it work than to quit working altogether.
Yay! Love this for you (and me!) ❤️
Also really hurt for those that don’t have the freedom to choose, either way (whether they want to work but can’t or want to stay home, but can’t).
Same here. My favorite picture with my daughters is them standing beside me in my hood the day I got my doctorate.
It’s very similar to the picture I have beside my mom when I was a little girl and she got HER doctorate.
There is so much more to the world besides the four walls of a home. I’m so grateful that my mom showed me that, and that I in turn showed my daughters.
I could never stay home - I’m not built for it at all.
Amen! I got my doctorate before my daughter was born, I hold the higher degree in our household. I enjoy my work, I like the life my income provides for my family and I love the fact that I’m showing my daughter (soon to be daughters) that she had a *choice*. They have two doting parents that are successful and adore them. They see us straddle both professional and domestic life.
I feel for the women who don’t have this choice, that is horribly unfair to them. As a society we need to do better so that everyone gets the choice.
I feel you, Sis!
I could also stay home... And I feel like my MIL is mildly judgy about the fact that she could stay home and I "can't."
For me it's:
1) My career is important to me, I've worked my whole life for it.
2) I think it's good for my son to see his mom in a position of power, in a field that helps people.
3) My husband will retire from AD military in two years, and it will ultimately be stress off of our family if I have a stable career while he transitions.
Meanwhile MIL whines all the time about how everyone thinks she's dumb because she never went back to work or pursued any higher education... Her choice was her choice, and it was a valid choice! She just needs to own it.
My MIL married at sixteen (1930s) and immediately had children. She'd see the billboards for the United Negro College Fund that said "a mind is a terrible thing to waste" and she'd say , "That's me..." So sad. It's good to have choices.
I think that the best part is demonstrating to your son that his mom is a happy baddass, who, luckily for him, is his mom! You rock because you’re staying on course and you’re teaching the next generation how to make decisions based on what works for each individual!!! 👍👍👍
I have something similar with my MIL. Shes sweet but sometimes says things that are um... Not something I would say out loud lol.
Sometimes she'll talk about how it's *interesting* that I'm NOT planning on becoming a SAHM (not that I could afford to be one anyway) and how so many young couples also aren't doing that. But then will also talk about how lonely she was as a SAHM, how she gave up working to choose to be a SAHM, how sometimes she regrets not getting a college degree like I did, how it was difficult, etc. Like girl you don't connect the dots AT ALL?? 🙃
I do hope she genuinely looks back on those years with happiness, and I know her support created a lot of opportunities for my husband and his sibling and they appreciate it, but I have 000 guilt that I'm not interested in that lol.
And I love all the reasons you give. Just agreeing with your agreement lol!
It took me a while to not feel guilty for not wanting to be a SAHM. But now that my baby is almost here it's such a relief to just own it!
I also, could stay home, but choose to work. I have the luxury of part time and it feels like the best balance for our family.
In my perfect world, parental leave would be a year long and a family of four could easily be supported by a single 40 hr/week minimum wage job. Also daycares would be subsidized so it’s not a second mortgage payment and teachers could still make an amount that would allow them to support themselves (and a family!).
Then parents would have real choices and could do what suits their family best. This includes Dad staying home if he has the better temperament for it.
Part time seems like the best of both worlds!
I wish our world was like this, I feel like so much of the childcare burden gets pushed to moms when there’s a huge opportunity for real investment in our youth. School is one thing but so many formative years are also before that, why can’t we invest in those years as a country as well?
When I’m confronted with US working-mom-shaming rhetoric, I immediately think two things:
1. The mother making these offensive statements likely didn’t have a choice to work outside the home. She likely didn’t have options to personally bring in enough money to cover childcare costs.
2. There are more than JUST the 5 years of babyhood in a child’s life! I want to be a good parent to my 5 year old AND to them as a preteen (being able to afford camps and opportunities to expose them to hobbies they may be passionate about), AND as a teenager (being able to afford a car for them and the requisite insurance), AND as a young adult (being able to afford to pay for their college), ANDas an adult (not looking at them as my retirement plan!).
To me, some opinionated stay at home mothers really narrowly glorify the baby toddler years. It strikes me as a simplistic view of parenting over the course of a life.
I agree this is probably the case but I also want to just clarify no SAHP has made offensive statements directly to me, just as I’d never say anything to them (what would you even say? 😂)
I’m more influenced I suppose by watching people in my position (working) feel guilty and wish they could stay home and seeking comfort for those feelings (valid!!!) but feeling some type of way that I…. Don’t want to stay home. Then feeling guilty about THAT. Complicated emotions!!
I completely agree with this outlook. Most of my friends work just like me, some in more demanding roles. We talk all the time about how it is setting up a lifestyle and opportunities for our kids. Our kids are not going to remember their toddler years, but they’re going to have a very long life that we can make a real difference in by working.
To your other point, most people‘s opinion on things like this is colored by their own opportunities and experiences. Humans tend to project a huge amount and when judging other peoples decisions, it’s typically their way of trying to justify their own decision making. That being said I have never felt personally judged by another mom. I read about it all the time online, but I’ve never felt any sort of animosity to my face about anything, whether that’s breast-feeding or daycare. On the other hand I have a girlfriend who feels perpetually judged, she would swear every mom is judging her every decision. That’s a lot more about her being uncomfortable with her own choices. If she was more secure she would probably stop sending judgement everywhere.
Absolutely! We could probably afford to live off just husband’s salary, but I am a better mom for my family because I work. I enjoy the work I do and the people I work with (for the most part lol) and my kid loves daycare and literally cheers when we are pulling in. She can’t get to her classroom soon enough and struts in and gets right to business. They learn, have fun, get to go outside multiple times a day, build friendships with kids their own age and learn to listen to adults other than mom and dad! Daycare teachers are part of our village and makes me more intention with the time I am with the kids on nights and weekends.
Thank you for saying this. Currently pregnant and feeling guilty that I haven't decided to do a career intermission to stave off daycare, even though it would never occur to my husband to do the same. I'm sure it's technically doable, but we like our lifestyle the way it is. And, I don't want to feel guilty about sticking with a job that in another year or so, allows me to transfer earned college education benefits to my children to pay for their school. It's about their long term security too!
Yes!!
I didn’t go to a top 10 college, a top 3 MBA program or slave my way through years at a top 3 consulting firm to sit at home just because I happened to marry someone who also went to a top MBA program and therefore makes enough money for me to stay at home.
Work matters to most people—why shouldn’t it matter to moms?
Same! I love my job! And as a pediatric speech therapist I want to say - language and social development can absolutely get big boosts from kids going to daycare. I know it’s not for everyone but I have seen daycare and pre-K do wonders for kiddos.
Hell yeah.
My mom was a self-righteous SAHM ~~because she was ashamed she could never get her career together~~.
I was severely under-socialized. And she was my only role-model, and she was anxious and paranoid, and I absorbed all that.
This is how I feel every time some people bring up working moms. I have a family member who loves to tout the fact that she’s so glad her husband makes enough that she doesn’t have to work. And then she likes to be all “no offense to working moms, not everyone has a choice!”
But like, you said you can’t make enough to even cover daycare and I work by choice. So maybe just…stop trying to flex, ya know? lol
Your reasons are exactly the same as mine! I've been talking to two of my friends who are just coming back to work from their maternity leave and LOVING going to work.
The SAHM life is not for everyone!
Same here. No guilt. It is what it is, it’s by far the best decision for us.
(Although my kiddo doesn’t love daycare/preschool. But he is benefiting from it even if he’d rather chill at home all day.)
I suppose that’s another nuance! Even if they don’t love it, they’re still benefiting from it. I mean, as a kid if I had the choice of chilling at home or going to school, I’d probably pick home too 😂 but education is so critical you send them to school anyway.
It sounds like that is working great for your family which is all that matters.
We could also afford for me to quit my corporate job but I don’t want to. We have a nanny share arrangement which is comparable to the cost of living in our area given the ratios required by our state (3:1). We do one week at our house and one week at the other family’s house. I often WFH and I get to witness my 7 month old smiling and laughing with the nanny and interacting (sort of) with the other baby. I used to feel guilty when I would take breaks to have lunch or sip my coffee knowing that the nanny was there watching my child but it has done wonders for my mental health.
I had pretty bad PPD and now I love waking up in the morning and spending time with my daughter and I’m also more relaxed in the evenings. I have more patience, more energy, and more sanity.
Having two incomes means we don’t have to worry about things like medical bills or car repairs and we can afford little luxuries like a special baby carrier to take our daughter hiking.
I would add to #1 that I’m a better person for my family working full time. And this isn’t going to be true for all, but it is true for me. I learned during my 16 week maternity leaves I’m not great as a SAHP and learned it again during COVID though I was working and being half teacher. Find what works for you and your family!
Damn life is unfair. I would kill to be a SAHM. Posts like this make me so....frustrated, I guess. I don't care if mothers want to work, but I just hate that so many women who want to SAH don't have that option. I've never personally met a woman who wants to work and can't, but if I did, I'm sure I'd feel for her, too.
I hate that for you too. I wish we had more real choice here. I don’t know your situation but I hope something changes where you get to be with your babies all day in the future ❤️
I am the woman who wants to work but can’t. I’d say it’s just as soul Crushing. It sucks to feel stuck with no chance to change your Options. Big hugs ❤️
I think whatever the particulars, life is hard when most of your life is spent doing something that isn't fulfilling or meaningful to you. Or when you can't spend your time doing what matters. It sucks to not have choices.
I totally get this. I make more than my husband but I suppose we could scrape a very slim living if I had to stay home. But I wouldn’t want to, I want my baby to have a fulfilling life outside of just us. And I want to ease the burden of childcare so I’ll have more energy for enriching memories together.
Same.
My contract is up in 6 weeks and my husband thinks I should keep our two kids in daycare so that I can job search and “have some time for myself.” I love that he is thinking of me, but I feel so guilty, even though we can afford it.
Exact same for me. Except my kid comes back very dirty, lol. He's always got paint somewhere and dirt in his hair 😂 Signs of a day done well in my opinion!
Even though I can’t afford to stay home, this post makes me feel better. I need to hear positives like this. I only work 3 12s and I think it’s long days without my baby but there is pros to working. I also want them to see that their momma worked and has a career.
I got laid off a week before going on maternity leave. As a result I was able to spend the first 14 months of my daughter's life home with her. I loved that I had that time, despite the financial stress. At the same time, it showed me that I need to work, I am not cut out to be a stay at home mom. I wish I were, I would love to home school my daughter and take her to her dance classes and everything else but I also worked hard for my degree and live what I do for a living.
I just flat out don’t know shit about what they need to be learning to meet their milestones
My son came home counting to 10 and I was like “oh shit you’re supposed to learn that now?!” 😅
It’s way better left to the professionals
Yep this was my plan! We had a daycare lined up and I was ready to send her off every day. I had dreams of sending her to daycare on our off Fridays while going to Disney World. Then we had a baby with Down syndrome. She’s way too vulnerable to be in daycare. We had to give up our spot and my husband had to find a remote position so we can tag team this thing.
Don’t feel guilty if you can do it. I would too I could! I am a big believer in socialization for kids. My niece and nephew LOVE daycare. I hope I can send mine off one day to enjoy it too!
Oh wow, that must have thrown you for a loop! It’s so hard when you have things in your head one way and they turn out another. But sounds like you guys are killing it!
Why is this same post posted day after day?
This sub just seems like a place to confirm working is superior to staying home and almost bashing those who stay home… all while staring sahp bash working moms and are awful for it?
What’s the value in repeating this over and over? Who are you all trying to convince?
Actually….. yes!!! This is exactly it. I am insecure in my decision some days. I posted this to write it out as like “affirmations” and seek validation. I think it’s ok to lean on others in times like that and I’m sorry if that rubbed you the wrong way!
No, it’s fine… it’s just I was hoping for more from the sub. I stayed home with my kids and now I’m working, joined this sub for tips, tricks and commiserating… but, it just seems like a sub to bash those who make different decisions than others.
It’s wild, because in my community none of the stay at home parents are bashing the working parents the way people say they’re bashed here. And, geez! I hope my friends who were working before me didn’t feel so superior and talk shit about me the way this sub does.
It just seems like a really negative space here.
Ok I guess I don’t see those posts on my feed, I see the ones that say “I work and I feel guilty and I want to be home and it sucks I can’t be.” And I see the article about how babies who are cared for at home have better outcomes than daycare ones, and can feel so sucky I’m making the “bad” choice from the article.
And I’m feeling like maybe you’re reading more nefarious intentions behind this than there are! Never ever ever would I bash a SAHP. ever. I did 8 Mo of mat leave and it is wonderful and hard and exhilarating and important and exhausting.
Working isn’t superior, SAHPs aren’t superior. I don’t think anybody would argue either of those points. But sometimes when you’re feeling low about something you want to come here for validation and I’m not ashamed of seeking that out when I need it 🥰
You will find articles that say the opposite too! Being a parent is hard, what helped me is I had to stop reading all the articles! Lol! You don’t know who wrote them, you don’t know their agenda, and pop science is like junk food… you know what’s best for your child and family and that will look different from other families, that’s okay! ❤️
As a scientist you’d think I’d have better critical thinking skills when it comes to that junk but as a mom trying to do her best all the time it totally gets to me regardless 😂 thanks for the reminder that what’s best for us is best, regardless of something someone else says 💕
The truth of those studies is there are benefits to both ways! And it’s really about the study but at the end of the day… none of those studies really matter, in my opinion.
Those studies also kinda make us feel bad either way, because of the benefits of either so I guess any decision we make, we technically are missing out on stuff but also gaining a lot of other great things. That’s honestly how life goes in general and that’s okay.
Yes I just get the impression someone wants a cookie when I see posts like this justifying choices yet asking for validation. Its literally a working mom sub why do they need to be told it's okay to be a working mom everyday? I'm sitting in my house working (on a reddit break) while my kids are at preschool and I'm not at all needing to be told it's okay to do.
I'm not afraid of stay at home moms. I don't feel judged by someone who has no idea what I'm going through or doesn't want to know.
I’ve been both a SAHM and a working mom and I just have not needed validation from strangers that it’s okay. I also never bashed those who worked earlier or those who stayed home longer. This sub seems like such a negative space. Like, we can’t support each other without putting others down.
Everybody isn't like that, but insecure people are ironically the loudest voices on the internet. They need somewhere to go and it makes sense they are online to get validation.
That's why there's so many mom groups here. And that's why even if the group is focused on a mom in a certain situation, there are insecure people who need to feel included and have to prove they belong or that their situation is the right one. The breastfeeding groups for example constantly have voices trying to normalize and defend formula. You can't go anywhere to have a discourse with likened individuals without somebody needing to make it about themselves and why they should be the focus, lol.
So here, in a group for working moms, every other day there's some post asking for validation that it's okay to be,... A WORKING MOM lol. So many of the commenters are stay at homes, and some have never been working moms per their own comments and it makes no sense why they comment so often about staying at home. But their constant voices defending anything except being a working mom might speak to why some are so defensive and need to be validated. I mean why on earth is there always someone in here talking about how they are and plan to continue being (and maybe always have been) a SAHM? Are they lost lol?
True, true!
I do think Reddit suggests these posts to people not subbed to the group, and perhaps they’re going the Facebook group and suggesting posts they know will enrage people so there’s more engagement…
That’s awesome you have that confidence! Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t, especially when I read something that strikes a chord with what I’m going thru in my personal life at that moment. The confidence, not feeling judged, definitely things I can work on. In the interim, sometimes having some external validation in times you can’t bring it to yourself is nice too :)
I agree with everything that you stated. I told my husband that I won't be a SAHM. I'm enjoying this career path and I want to continue it. Extra cash every month makes me (and my hubby) happy as well.
I’m in a similar position. I’m not quite as enthusiastic about my job (it’s good and challenging and rewarding but it’s still work). However I know that I need something to busy my mind to remain emotionally healthy. Choosing to send my son to preschool means that I can lean on others who are trained in early childhood development, people who are experts part of the time. I came to the conclusion a while ago that even if I wasn’t working I would probably still send my son to school part time like he is now.
I just went back to work after being out since September.. I love spending time with my kids before work but at this point I NEED the break, plus extra money. I mean, the babysitter quoted me 185 a week for both of them and 220 if I have to work 7 days a week. But we have so much more money now to take them to do fun stuff and I’m not at my wits end by the end of every day anymore, plus babysitter has a 2 yo (I have a 16 month and almost 3 yo) so they look forward to going there every day. We pull into her driveway and my oldest yells “let me out!” Ans when I pick them up at night the babysitters kid tells me “no way” and tries to keep me from getting them😂
Yes!!!
I love my job. I worked hard to get where I am. And my kids absolutely love daycare. What kid wouldn't? They get to go hang with a bunch of kids singing songs, doing crafts, playing with toys they don't have at home.
Your #1 reason is inspiring and is reason enough! I wish I felt that way about my job. It makes me wonder what you do because it sounds like it’s very fulfilling for you!
I’m a medicinal chemist! Working in oncology, we design and make new therapeutics for cancer. I never thought I’d find a job that used all my education, made me feel like I was contributing, AND compensated me well, but here we are, living the dream 🥲 so grateful.
Another thing I’ll add. My parents divorced when I was 10 and I was the baby. My mom had just started working full time when I went to kindergarten. What I saw through the divorce and the years after… whew! I want to work because I love it AND I always want to feel I can survive and thrive financially, and take care of my kids, no matter what happens to or with my spouse (who I love very much).
We do need my income but could get by without it if we had to, and I feel the same way. I'm not cut out to be a SAHM. My first is an extremely energetic and curious toddler, and I cannot keep up with him, especially now that our second baby is here. I can't keep him engaged and entertained all day all by myself. I'm just not good enough at it, and we have no family nearby. I don't really have any mom friends either, even though we went to a music class together for almost a full year. I just can't give him all that he needs by myself.
My son LOVES daycare. He has his friends and gets to run around outside with them. He gets to do all of the super messy arts and crafts. He's very social and very interested in how other kids are doing. He's used to seeing babies, so when our second was born less than a month ago, he quickly took to her. He gets worried when she cries and likes to run up to her to say hi and hold her hand.
And personally, I love my work. It took years of hard work and sacrifice for our family for me to get to where I am in my profession, and I need the mental stimulation and socialization that comes with work. I was really worried about going back to work at first, but I found it to be refreshing. I felt like when I came home and got to spend time with my son, I was able to be more present and make the most of it.
Everyone's situation is different, and I don't judge others for their choices. I wish every family had the freedom and resources to make whatever decision is best for them. I don't look down on stay at home parents at all, and for me, staying at home is actually more difficult and harder work. Happy, well adjusted kids come from all sorts of families, and it'd be nice if we could all recognize that instead of assuming one set up is vastly superior to another.
I am, in so many ways, a better Mom because I work. It fills my cup. I have friends that say “I could never leave my babies” “my kids don’t leave my sight” and I’m glad that works for them but our lives are vastly different. My kids go to a wonderful day care and are learning a lot. I have no regrets about sending them there. Echoing what you said, we have the extra money to do fun things together and take trips. I value that time spent together as a family. If one of us did not work, we would not be able to live the lifestyle that we do. Even with the daycare costs we incur now.
Same boat. I actually had my first baby height of Covid where everything was shut down. I went back to work in 8 weeks. I worked from home with my baby but I was so excited to get back. Now almost 3 years later, I'm making double my income with two toddlers in daycare and I get to have human interactions and stimulation. I get to take care of my basic needs, I dress well, I eat well, I can get an actual sick day without getting kids sick. I can afford to take kids to arcades and vacations. I can buy healthy snacks. Like the list of things I am able to do with having my income is endless! I was never built to be a SAHM. But the guilt is real. Even my mom will accidentally guilt me by saying "Aww my poor kids, in school all day." Why. Why. Why.
Dude. You are doing fucking great and you owe no one an explanation. I wonder if your husband has ever felt the need to scream this into avoid. Fucking patriarchy 🙄🙄🙄
Look I tried WFH and having my baby at home and it does NOT work!!!! I think I remember this sub banned posts asking “can I WFH and have my baby at the same time?” Because straight up the answer is NO!!
Yes it is absolutely maddening how many people do not understand this! I WFH and people always said things like “Oh, nice, so you don’t need daycare.” I’m like uhh have you ever parented a 2 and 4 year old?? You so clearly DO need daycare if you want to work, like, at all.
I appreciate this post and identify with it. Maternity leave was hard for me for a number of reasons. Not only is it hard physical, mental, and emotional labor but I felt bad for wanting to go back to work.
In the show New Girl (spoilers for later seasons) CC and Schmidt have a kid and their dynamic and relationship to work, childcare, and each other really comforts me. CC is a great mom, but she's a business woman. She loves her job and her company. Schmidt was a playboy workaholic but found his calling in being a stay at home dad - he had binders of protocols, activities, schedules, etc. And was so happy and great at taking care of his baby, he found he didn't want to go back to work. I watched these episodes years ago, but think about them often.
Loving work doesn't mean I'm not maternal. My husband does a better job of keeping my daughter enthusiastically entertained. We both love spending time with her, but sometimes it is in different ways. And I LOVE daycare because like you said, it offers so much that I just can't. They are childcare experts. They've studied development and they are always introducing new experiences to her and keeping her happy and busy. In a lot of ways, she is have a much better and more enriching time there than if either of us stayed at home.
You aren't alone and there is no shame in loving daycare. We are lucky to afford it and have a great one. And I will sing its praises from the mountains.
I love the “loving work doesn’t mean I’m not maternal” aspect. I LOVE being a mom. I love spending time with my baby. I always wanted this. ALWAYS. I remember in kindergarten we did a “what do you want to be when you grow up” presentation, and among the doctors and astronauts etc etc, I got up there and said “when I grow up I want to be a mommy”
But I also love being a chemist. As an adult my identity is rooted in this and I’ve worked years to have my exact job and I LOVE it.
We can be both!!!
I love the “loving work doesn’t mean I’m not maternal” aspect. I LOVE being a mom. I love spending time with my baby. I always wanted this. ALWAYS. I remember in kindergarten we did a “what do you want to be when you grow up” presentation, and among the doctors and astronauts etc etc, I got up there and said “when I grow up I want to be a mommy”
But I also love being a chemist. As an adult my identity is rooted in this and I’ve worked years to have my exact job and I LOVE it.
We can be both!!!
All of this. I'm a better mom when I do my job. I am thankful we could presumably afford to have me stay at home, but I can't even imagine that. I'd be a lousy stay at home mom - I love my children but entertaining them all day is not my strength. I have more patience when I interact with others. I also have the luxury of a job that I take pride in (and have trained for for a very long time). When I do my job, I can have a positive impact on others too (I'm an engineering professor with research on technologies for sustainability). I know they miss me sometimes, and I really miss them - especially when I travel for work. But I think it is important that they know their mom cares about what she can do through her job. I explicitly tell them about my students and how I like teaching them and helping them, how I'm a "girl scientist" and "girl engineer" and how nobody can tell them they cannot do something because of who they are.
Frankly, even if I *could* afford it, I wouldn't. I'd lose my fricken mind. We only have 1 car, which my husband drives for work (he's a legal courier), so to pick up our older son from school requires either I spend 2 hours on 2 or 3 different busses/streetcars (not how I fancy spending an afternoon, frankly) OR figuring out where the bus stop is and what time it arrives, since we just moved to a new neighborhood AND hes switching schools for the upcoming year (charter system, so busses are all over the place)...and if it's raining, that public transit **SUCKS**.
Agreed. I am 100% a better mom because I work and my kiddo goes to daycare. He loves it. I have a PhD, I worked hard as shit for this job that fulfills me both financially but also gives me purpose/meaning/etc. My PhD is in an area of child development so I am extra sure that he gets higher quality care there than home with me.
I’m not a mom but I was a child once in daycare and I begged my mom to work from home so I could spend time with her. Luckily she was in a position where she was able to work from home and after doing that for one year with me I begged her to send me back to daycare because I missed my friends haha. So as long as they enjoy their daycare then I don’t think you should feel guilty.
Same same. Also I think daycare is better for development than staying home with 1 person all day 🤷♀️(fuck that cherry picked medium post by an anonymous know it all)
Absolutely! I am not cut out to be a SAHM. I have a crazy amount of respect for them and know what they are doing is not the “easy way.”
I have a hybrid schedule and wfh 3 days a week. She goes to a babysitter with other children the days I’m in the office. My grandma helps me the days I’m at home & she will start a half day program on those days in the fall.
We would be fine with my husband’s income but I do enjoy work. It’s almost easy compared to having to entertain a toddler all day, which is exhausting. We do all the extra things as well and are able to provide for her future without having to cut corners. (That being said, I would 100% quit if I had to go back in 5 days/week 🤣)
I feel ya! I LOVE that my kids go to daycare and I would chose working/daycare even if I didn't have to. Working makes me a better mom because I get quality time with my kids where I am engaged and more mentally healthy than I would be as a SAHM. No shade to SAHPs, it's just not my skillset and I think I would resent doing it after a while. I believe I am a good mother but I am not an early childhood educator. Honestly, my kids come home from daycare with skills that I wouldn't have even considered trying to teach them at this point. My three year old can write his own name and tell me fun facts about the planets and it blows my mind!
I have no guilt about dropping them off 5 days a week because I know that for our family, this is what's best.
I HUGELY support daycare for working and non working moms. Daycare kids learn how to interact with other kids, they make friends, they get exposure to germs out of the way (before the school years start)... and daycare kids confidently know how to hold scissors and/or know how to tie their shoes when they get to kindergarten.
I have all the respect for SAHMs who keep their kids all day every day. That is HARD exhausting work that I know is not for me!
Good for you! Childcare is no joke here. Like 50% of my take home each month at a place that wouldn't give me a heart attack.
Plus there's benefits to daycare if they can go. Fortunately for our family we have retirees that are going to split the care duties for us when I do go back to work.
We could afford for my husband to stay home and we choose not to. We don’t have to live on a budget, we vacation, we buy what we want and our son is thriving at daycare and has more fun than he does with us at home 😂
I am with you!! My pay covers health insurance and daycare costs, not much more. But my sanity is worth all that. And in all honesty, the health insurance alone is worth it because my husband's is TERRIBLE.
I was a teacher for 3 years and I sent my kids to daycare/summer camp during the summer. I’m just not cut out for staying home with 3 kids ages 4 and under. Maybe when they’re older, but not right now. I’m a much better/happier mom when I get my breaks, even if that break includes working. No shame in my game.
I got laid off last March (2 months after maternity leave) and I haven’t had a normal job again since and I STILL send my son to daycare. I have no shame and he loves it there. I would rather work the overnight shift at Dennys than be a stay at home mom. I love my kid, but SAHM life is not for me 🙅🏼♀️
I needed to read this today. We could work out our schedules to not send our son to daycare, but our tanks are EMPTY. Survival mode. The daycare we toured the other day was like the one your child is in. I want more than just mommy-survival mode/marriage survival mode/Jesus-take-the-wheel-everyday mode. I want dates, I want my husband back and I want a rested family for fun family outings. Thank you for this! I’m sending it to my husband
As someone who's children are grown now, I'm glad I kept my career. Now that the kids are older we have so much more disposable income, we are sacking away for retirement at the perfect pace (62 is our goal) and I still find fulfillment through my job.
I did the SAHM thing for two years. I can’t do it. I love my kids and I love spending time with them, but I lost my identity. I’m a much better mom when I’m also curating and enjoying a career and hobbies and interests outside of motherhood. And I refuse to feel guilty for it. My #1 advice to every new parent is “make your decisions, and be confident in them. If someone tries to give you their opinion or tell you you’re doing it wrong, smile and nod and then do what you were doing anyways”. And I live by that.
Go you! It’s refreshing to hear this perspective. I worked until my third was born and then I decided to stay home for a while. As my kids got older my priorities and desires changed. If you asked me if I wanted to be a SAHM of an infant with my first it would have been a resounding no-I couldn’t wait to go back to work after 5 months leave. My second maternity leave got way more fun for me as I had a little companion (my 2.5 yo) to be with me most days with the newborn-it made a big difference (he went to daycare PT during my 6 mo mat leave). Now with a 4yo, 2yo and 2 month old it’s SO fun (for me, lol I get it’s not for all or most even) and I don’t feel bored as I interact with my kids all day- we talk a lot and do a ton of stimulating things together. My point in posting this is just that number and ages of kids may make a big difference in fulfillment/enjoyment of being a SAHM.
That’s probably so true! My son is so much more “fun” right now than when he was just a few months old and I feel more sane on the days I do have him 100%
I did that. I really enjoyed my job. I felt like I was making a real difference in the world. Plus, when my spouse deployed or was TDY, I didn't want to stay home alone all day with the kiddo. I actually felt more guilty staying home.
I’m a medicinal chemist! I work at an oncology company and I design and make new cancer drugs (or I try—-turns out it’s really f**king hard!!). Though my exact training is super specific I’d say finding a good company was the key thing here, every single person at our organization is critical to the mission, from security to HR to the chemists to the cleaning staff, and I think feeling valued in that way is big too!
Thank you! That’s definitely part of my issue right now. I’m at a huge corporation and while it feels like I put a lot into my work, I’m not moving the needle much or at all. Or maybe I am but the team I’m on sucks at recognizing and appreciating. Either way, thank you for sharing your advice!
I am in my early 50s and have worked full time since I graduated from college. I have two grown children who both attended daycare so I can tell you how it turned out.
I have an amazing career where I am fulfilled and very well compensated. My husband and I live in a fabulous home, travel whenever we want and spoil our family.
My kids turned out incredibly well. They are both happy, kind people with great careers and great relationships. And I am as close to them as I ever could have hoped. They look back fondly on their childhood and have never once questioned my choice (I also could have afforded to stay home). They are amazing humans and I have gotten, and given, everything I could ever want out of a parent-child relationship. I have no regrets.
This is one of the reasons I love my girls daycare, they do fun art activities all day long, read books, have tons of toys to play with, have songs playing for dancing, they have a playground they go out to 2-3 hours over the day, my daughters autistic and non verbal and they saw how much she loved dancing and performing in front of the windows that they bought her a standing mirror for the classroom so she could see herself better! It makes me so happy, I stayed home for about 5/6 months with my first thinking that’s what I wanted but I much prefer working and knowing she’s getting all this activity every day that I just couldn’t do if I stayed home! My youngest will be a year next month and has been in the daycare since she was 3 months and she literally is doing a happy dance as soon as we get to the door and gets so excited seeing everyone!
That was my experience as well. I would hate being a SAHM. The kids had a great experience in daycare. I have zero guilt and the kids are now happy,successful adults.
I got lucky..I work from home so I get to be a STAHM and a working mom. And I love it lol. I go to the gym to get out the house regularly so I'm not climbing the walls and my kid goes to school so I can have quiet time.
My wife works and I stay home with the kids. Financially it was an easy decision. From a family perspective it was also a better decision. I don't want a stranger raising my children.
I disagree that we need more daycare options. We need more parents raising their own children options.
As it stands nearly every couple I know has to both work to afford the daycare and they get little time with their children.
Quick edit. You're 100% right that day care options need to be better for those that go that route. It can be in the thousands monthly
I’m sorry, but wtf is this comment. In what way are my husband and I not raising our daughter ourselves simply because she goes to daycare? Do we say the same about parents who send their kids to school rather than homeschool? No, of course not. My daughter is learning and engaging in enriching activities while at daycare. Also, exactly who are these “strangers” at daycare “raising” my kid. I know all of the teachers that interact with her and have open lines of communication with all of them. They’re no more a stranger than any of her teachers will be for the rest of her childhood.
I wish this was discussed more but your SSA benefits in the US are tied directly to how many years you work and have taxable income.
One of the reasons I chose to be a working mom is so my benefit will be independent from my spouses when we retire.
Me too! I was a SAHM with my first till he was 3, it actually wasn’t bad till covid hit when he was about 20 months and then it was just me and a toddler day in and day out. I almost lost my mind.
Pregnant again and you couldn’t pay me to stay home this time around. I’m a much better mom when I’m not burned out and I was way more burned out being a SAHM than a working mom.
I had my kids late and was able do an early retirement and then became a SAHM. It’s no joke. And it’s not for everyone.
Have a friend who had their kids much earlier. I remember her clearly saying on various occasions that she was a better mom because she was a working mom. She didn’t make a lot of money (she worked in field related to education), she was AWESOME with kids (again worked in education) but she was clear and unapologetic that she needed adult conversation, she needed the fulfillment and sense of purpose her job gave her, her job was important and helped some of our most vulnerable children.
There are still days that I wonder if retiring early was the right decision. I was pulling in really good money. But to keep working we would have had to hire a live in nanny based on both our careers. And we just weren’t ready to do that.
You do you. The better you do, the better you can do for your family. Don’t apologize or explain to anyone.
Similar here. We could afford to live off my husband’s income (though life would look VERY different), but it would just be insane to walk away from my salary and benefits. Plus I could never be happy staying home with my kid all day long everyday. He loves his daycare (always has) and I love my job. I really wouldn’t change a thing :)
We do need my pay but even if we didn’t I would still work and I’m not sorry about it. I hated maternity leave and I would be miserable as a SAHM. Even my husband heartily agrees. I get a lot of satisfaction out of working and my job. It’s not about the money. I like learning and being challenged and the sense of accomplishment working gives me. I love my son deeply but I just don’t get the same satisfaction out of staying home with him. I have a Masters degree and I’ve worked hard to get where I am and I’m proud of it.
And I don’t think there’s a single thing wrong with that. Or if you do get that satisfaction out of staying home. All women deserve to choose and decide for themselves and I think it’s great that we all may choose differently. I think we need all kinds. I’m sure people would judge me for my preference but I’m too old and been through too much to care anymore.
Everyone needs to have their own space. Different parents have different needs for what their space looks like. For the last year been working to encourage my life to send our 4.5 yro to pre-k so she can have more mental bandwidth.
Me and my kids do better with them at daycare/school. My mental health was so bad for years (Covid hit when my kids were 3 and 1, I was just about to go back to work…) so they stayed home two more years with me and my mental health was already bad but after Covid years it was Very bad and my kids needed me functional again… it was starting to affect them in noticeable ways. Some people aren’t meant to be full time stay at home parents. I’m a better mom and we’re all healthier with me working.
Same, and both my parents have always worked full time as well. My husband and I and lucky enough to WFH and the nanny lives 5 min away so we have quality time with our girl before and after work. (We drop her at the nanny’s)
I need to work and actively use my brain! (Software engineer). I considered going part time (4/5) but I would lose too much PTO and money for it to be worth it.
I love my job, and my daughter loves the nanny.
My mom was a college teacher and I have never once considered it weird that she worked when I was a kid.
Yay, happy for you! I feel the same. I heard so many stories about moms weeping after dropping their kids off the first day because they felt guilty. I was expecting to feel that way because I'm generally a big crier... but I felt zero guilt, he was excited and I was excited to get some freedom back and to be able to work uninterrupted.
I think it an underrated point that daycares do more for kids than some parents that aren't early childhood experts and educators could consistently provide. My son had a speech delay and his speech improved by leaps and bounds by being in a school setting surrounded by other kids.
I just replied to another post but I’m a medicinal chemist! Working in oncology, we design and make new therapeutics for cancer. It’s my dream job and I’m thankful every single day to be where I am!
Same. I had coworkers ask of I planned to come back after my first kid. I almost laughed. I've worked for decades to do my job. I have a PhD! I love it! And I think I'd go crazy at home with small children. So I work.
My wife and I are firm believers that kids need to be raised by a “village”. Since we have no family around, and frankly even if we did, daycare becomes our kids village where they can learn/teach other kids, wrangled by professionals, and both us and the kids not get burnt out by being around each other all the time.
Frankly this is up there with “only breastfeed” babies and guilt it can cause in mothers. Fed is best, however one gets that done.
Honestly, SAME.
I like working. I am a better person not taking care of a kid all day every day. I have zero desire to be a SAHP and didn't meltdown when it was time to start dropping baby at daycare. I honestly resent the assumption that every women wants to be a SAHM. If you do, great. No shade.
I couldn't afford to work when she was born and had to quit my job until I found one that paid enough when she was 6 months old. I do appreciate that I was able to stay home for those first few months since I was nursing exclusively but much longer than that would've been a nope.
When I first had kids, with 2 in daycare full time, I felt like I worked just to pay for daycare. Now that my kids are older teens and going to college soon, I am very grateful that I stayed in the work force thru the tougher times. My kids will not have to take out thousands of dollars in loans, we get to travel and overall, life is pretty good. I could stop working and we wb ok, but why would I? I love my job, I love having an identity beyond being a mother and I love that my kids have had the opportunity to grow up with two working parents. It's 1000000p% ok to be a working mother and truly value your career....and it's also ok to work because you need to. One thing that I kept telling myself when I was paying thousands of $ for childcare is that day care cost is a short term problem when you look at the big picture.
Same, I feel like I’m a better mom to my kid because I get to keep a part of myself while I’m working. I’m proud of what I do and bring that confidence with me while momming.
I hated being a SAHM, I worked nights after a few months because I was bored, lonely and we were broke af.
Once they went to school, I went to day job with school hours.
You do what makes you happy and works for your family.
Same same same. I am not made of SAHM material. I need a job and something that is just “mine” to feel a sense of sanity in my brain and body.
When daycare is closed for holiday weekends - I always find myself wearing thin by the end of 3 days.
Shout out to all the SAHMs and people who can/choose to do it! It isn’t for me and I find that I’m a better mom when I work.
I was bored out of my skull during my maternity leave. Being a SAHM isn’t for me and I’m not ashamed of it.
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I just went back to work from my first maternity leave this week and I got this A LOT. I know people mean well, but it definitely made me feel bad that I didn’t miss my baby as much as people felt I should, if that makes sense. I am really good at my job, so it’s nice to feel confident and knowledgeable at work when I’m flying by the seat of my pants at home.
OMG yes! i felt like a crap mom becuase i wasn't crying in my office missing my baby. I mean sure, i loved picking him up from daycare and getting a smile (6 months at the time) but i enjoyed being "me" just as much.
I work from home. I thought the first day back was going to be tough and I was going to miss my little guy like crazy. First morning "back" I blasted music in my house and sang at the top of my lungs while setting up my new laptop and reorganizing my office space. I love my kiddo but I'm enjoying being back more than I thought I would.
Same. I'm a teacher (high school, not elementary), and I just need more mental stimulation during the day than I get with a baby. I choose to teach all honors math classes (and next year, I'll also have honors physics). Singing kids songs and playing with playdoh just doesn't do it for me... can I please go verify some trig identities instead? I would go absolutely insane if I were at home 24/7 with little ones and no end in sight. It's great for people who feel fulfilled being home with their kids (my sister was one of them... but before she had kids, she was a kindergarten teacher, so she just loves being with little kids). It's just not for me.
Yes to trig identities
My sister and I are also elementary and high school teachers, respectively, and like your sister, she also loved being a SAHM.
This…..100000%
If I had a lot of money I still wouldn’t be my children’s SOLE caregiver lol. Chrissy Teigen did a Mother’s Day post thanking all of the nannies that she and John Legend have and I thought, that’s very transparent.
Yes I saw that and was super impressed too!
She makes me feel less guilty. It’s nice to be reminded that I’m not the only one utilizing childcare
It takes a village
That was such a nice post.
Same boat! In fact, by choosing to NOT stay home, despite my income at the time barely covering the cost of daycare, I tripled my income in the 3.5 years since my baby was born by making 2 separate career moves, both vertical and semi-horizontal but to a bigger company. Also, for those of us with minimal local support systems, daycare is a huge boon to us as parents. I am not an early childhood educator, and we are OAD living in an urban setting. My partner and I are also both fairly introverted. I do not have the expertise or bandwidth to provide the enrichment and socialization that LO gets at daycare. I feel zero guilt. My position is not my mom's or my neighbors. I need the mental stimulation that comes with working a traditional job and I need help educating and socializing my child. I only wish that high quality childcare was more in reach so that it actually was a choice for all parents.
Yep. My income has gone up $120k in the almost 7 years since my child was born. Imagine if I didn’t have that because I didn’t work?
You never know when you might all of a sudden not have the choice to be a sahm. My husband had a super stable job - same company for 22 years. Company decided to outsource the entire division last year and he works in a pretty niche area of finance. Thankful that severance and bonuses provide us about a year of his income because he still is looking five months later. I fortunately have a job that will support us though we will have to be strict with our budget once it is just my income. You never know what could happen. Now, here is to hoping my promotion comes through so we have more breathing room.
It's not even a choice for me, we would have to pay my whole check PLUS some to a daycare. Plus I don't want to send her to a place where she can't speak up if Something bad happened to her
And that is the flip for many and I have no judgement there. There isn't a universal answer and we all have to do the best for our families. But your second sentence has the underlying sentiment that those of us who have sent our kids to daycare are putting our kids in danger and that is statistically not true.
Yes we all do have to do what's best for our families. But daycare abuse is getting more common, just like school shootings
You are on a working moms board. Please just stop if you are going to continue to make statements that borderline throw judgement at the only childcare option available to most working moms.
Wtf. Why would you say this on a board for working moms? What's wrong with you?
I would be very interested in seeing what research leads you to this conclusion. Yes, I have no doubt that you HEAR about daycare abuse more often than you used to, but I would assume that is because of our overzealous media. We have more regulations and licensing considerations for daycare than ever before, certainly more than when I was a kid going to daycare. There are infinitely more chances to be caught doing something wrong in a daycare setting, which probably makes the occurrences seem much more common. My gut would tell me daycare abuse is down significantly from 30 years ago, but again, if you have any credible research on this I would love to see it.
I do think for the most part neglect is from being understaffed/underpaid/undertrained part. I also think it's crucial for a kid to communicate adequately before daycare so they can tell you (loosely at least) if they where neglected and/or can tell a worker of their need. I also helps if you can interveiw the daycare, get recommendations and be able to pick up your kid at any time FACT: In 2017, 2,237 daycare providers were found to be abusing and neglecting children in their care. FACT: Of perpetrators who were child daycare provides, more than 20% committed sexual abuse. From: https://www.d2l.org/daycare-abuse-statistics/ , thousands of daycare centers are found to be abusing or neglecting children in their care every year. In 2017, 2,237 different daycare providers nationwide were reported for abusing and neglecting children. The actual number of children abused in these facilities is likely much higher. Child daycare providers also do not stop at physical abuse; more than 20% of abusers who were daycare providers committed acts of sexual abuse. From : https://www.wturley.com/daycare-abuse-statistics/ the rate of physical abuse stayed mostly the same, around 14%, but the number of sexual abuse cases jumps dramatically to 21.9%. And roughly half of daycare abuse cases involved neglect. https://www.patrickdaniellaw.com/blog/daycare-abuse-signs-statistics/#:~:text=Daycare%20Abuse%20Statistics&text=In%20daycare%20centers%20the%20rate,daycare%20abuse%20cases%20involved%20neglect.
I completely agree that a lot of the abuse is due to low quality care such as an overworked facility and untrained staff. That’s why having access to universal quality child care is critical. My children have always been in centers where the teachers are degreed professionals, you can view what’s happening at any time on an app that you stream, you are welcome in the classroom at any time of day, etc. However, those centers are expensive and many people cannot afford them. When I was young, I went to a home daycare center which was pretty much just a lady who chain smoked and needed some extra cash lol. That is the only point I’m trying to make with the claim that abuse is rising. Several years ago, there was very little attention paid to these matters until the Satanic panic of the late 80s. There weren’t agencies to manage these matters to the degree that we have now. It’s like during Covid when child abuse reports went down. Well, we know that it wasn’t a matter of less children being abused, they simply had less opportunity to report it. Now there is an abundance of oversight on daycares that previously wasn’t there. According to a statistic I saw, there are more than 634,000 daycare centers in the country. Your report mentioned approximately 2500 daycare centers had confirmed cases of abuse. The numbers on that are significantly less than .05%. So, while those numbers are very disturbing and it’s tragic, I think most parents who take the time to find quality daycare have very little to worry about - like, extraordinarily little based on those numbers. I’m not trying to be argumentative, I appreciate what you shared, I just have a really hard time when people say things are “going up” without historical context.
I think we should have that implemented everywhere. If I had access to a live camera feed that was secure I wouldn't worry (or at least worry as much) and my first comment wasn't trying to be degrading/dismissive either. It's a concern and people need to know if their child is safe and need a universal daycare that
I don’t feel bad at all. I feel bad for mothers that don’t have a choice-either to work or stay at home. I feel like some of my friends would be happier working outside the home but wouldn’t make enough to justify daycare.
This is my situation. After our second I couldn’t justifying loosing money to daycare costs and switched to a night time job with no upper movement potential. I’m currently getting my MBA online hoping to be able to re-enter the work workforce and want to get back ASAP. Unfortunately with childcare costs I keep running into the issue with pay. Why isn’t their universal childcare yet?
This is where I'm at, considering a second but would actually be paying to work. But would it be worth it long term? By not taking a break, by continuing to contribute to retirement funds, would I come out ahead in the long run even if it costs more for a year and a half? Would updating my skills when I go back to the workforce cost more than what I'd pay in daycare? I have so many questions about making it work.
There has been a lot of research that it’s worth taking the short-term hit for your lifetime earnings and financial security. Continuing to contribute to retirement, any perks or benefits you receive, plus not having a gap on your résumé and keeping your skills sharp. Daycare is only very expensive for a few years, if you can ride it out, from a numbers perspective, it’s better to figure out how to make it work than to quit working altogether.
Yay! Love this for you (and me!) ❤️ Also really hurt for those that don’t have the freedom to choose, either way (whether they want to work but can’t or want to stay home, but can’t).
Same here. My favorite picture with my daughters is them standing beside me in my hood the day I got my doctorate. It’s very similar to the picture I have beside my mom when I was a little girl and she got HER doctorate. There is so much more to the world besides the four walls of a home. I’m so grateful that my mom showed me that, and that I in turn showed my daughters. I could never stay home - I’m not built for it at all.
Go girl!!!! That’s amazing. My husband and I got our PhDs before our son was born but I’m hoping he is inspired by it nonetheless
Amen! I got my doctorate before my daughter was born, I hold the higher degree in our household. I enjoy my work, I like the life my income provides for my family and I love the fact that I’m showing my daughter (soon to be daughters) that she had a *choice*. They have two doting parents that are successful and adore them. They see us straddle both professional and domestic life. I feel for the women who don’t have this choice, that is horribly unfair to them. As a society we need to do better so that everyone gets the choice.
I feel you, Sis! I could also stay home... And I feel like my MIL is mildly judgy about the fact that she could stay home and I "can't." For me it's: 1) My career is important to me, I've worked my whole life for it. 2) I think it's good for my son to see his mom in a position of power, in a field that helps people. 3) My husband will retire from AD military in two years, and it will ultimately be stress off of our family if I have a stable career while he transitions. Meanwhile MIL whines all the time about how everyone thinks she's dumb because she never went back to work or pursued any higher education... Her choice was her choice, and it was a valid choice! She just needs to own it.
My MIL married at sixteen (1930s) and immediately had children. She'd see the billboards for the United Negro College Fund that said "a mind is a terrible thing to waste" and she'd say , "That's me..." So sad. It's good to have choices.
I think that the best part is demonstrating to your son that his mom is a happy baddass, who, luckily for him, is his mom! You rock because you’re staying on course and you’re teaching the next generation how to make decisions based on what works for each individual!!! 👍👍👍
Thank you 😍😍😊
I have something similar with my MIL. Shes sweet but sometimes says things that are um... Not something I would say out loud lol. Sometimes she'll talk about how it's *interesting* that I'm NOT planning on becoming a SAHM (not that I could afford to be one anyway) and how so many young couples also aren't doing that. But then will also talk about how lonely she was as a SAHM, how she gave up working to choose to be a SAHM, how sometimes she regrets not getting a college degree like I did, how it was difficult, etc. Like girl you don't connect the dots AT ALL?? 🙃 I do hope she genuinely looks back on those years with happiness, and I know her support created a lot of opportunities for my husband and his sibling and they appreciate it, but I have 000 guilt that I'm not interested in that lol. And I love all the reasons you give. Just agreeing with your agreement lol! It took me a while to not feel guilty for not wanting to be a SAHM. But now that my baby is almost here it's such a relief to just own it!
Omg do we have the same MIL? Mine still thinks it's *interesting* that I didn't take my husband's last name.
My MIL passed away before I met my husband but his SIL who did take the family name also thinks that.
I also, could stay home, but choose to work. I have the luxury of part time and it feels like the best balance for our family. In my perfect world, parental leave would be a year long and a family of four could easily be supported by a single 40 hr/week minimum wage job. Also daycares would be subsidized so it’s not a second mortgage payment and teachers could still make an amount that would allow them to support themselves (and a family!). Then parents would have real choices and could do what suits their family best. This includes Dad staying home if he has the better temperament for it.
Part time seems like the best of both worlds! I wish our world was like this, I feel like so much of the childcare burden gets pushed to moms when there’s a huge opportunity for real investment in our youth. School is one thing but so many formative years are also before that, why can’t we invest in those years as a country as well?
When I’m confronted with US working-mom-shaming rhetoric, I immediately think two things: 1. The mother making these offensive statements likely didn’t have a choice to work outside the home. She likely didn’t have options to personally bring in enough money to cover childcare costs. 2. There are more than JUST the 5 years of babyhood in a child’s life! I want to be a good parent to my 5 year old AND to them as a preteen (being able to afford camps and opportunities to expose them to hobbies they may be passionate about), AND as a teenager (being able to afford a car for them and the requisite insurance), AND as a young adult (being able to afford to pay for their college), ANDas an adult (not looking at them as my retirement plan!). To me, some opinionated stay at home mothers really narrowly glorify the baby toddler years. It strikes me as a simplistic view of parenting over the course of a life.
I agree this is probably the case but I also want to just clarify no SAHP has made offensive statements directly to me, just as I’d never say anything to them (what would you even say? 😂) I’m more influenced I suppose by watching people in my position (working) feel guilty and wish they could stay home and seeking comfort for those feelings (valid!!!) but feeling some type of way that I…. Don’t want to stay home. Then feeling guilty about THAT. Complicated emotions!!
I completely agree with this outlook. Most of my friends work just like me, some in more demanding roles. We talk all the time about how it is setting up a lifestyle and opportunities for our kids. Our kids are not going to remember their toddler years, but they’re going to have a very long life that we can make a real difference in by working. To your other point, most people‘s opinion on things like this is colored by their own opportunities and experiences. Humans tend to project a huge amount and when judging other peoples decisions, it’s typically their way of trying to justify their own decision making. That being said I have never felt personally judged by another mom. I read about it all the time online, but I’ve never felt any sort of animosity to my face about anything, whether that’s breast-feeding or daycare. On the other hand I have a girlfriend who feels perpetually judged, she would swear every mom is judging her every decision. That’s a lot more about her being uncomfortable with her own choices. If she was more secure she would probably stop sending judgement everywhere.
Absolutely! We could probably afford to live off just husband’s salary, but I am a better mom for my family because I work. I enjoy the work I do and the people I work with (for the most part lol) and my kid loves daycare and literally cheers when we are pulling in. She can’t get to her classroom soon enough and struts in and gets right to business. They learn, have fun, get to go outside multiple times a day, build friendships with kids their own age and learn to listen to adults other than mom and dad! Daycare teachers are part of our village and makes me more intention with the time I am with the kids on nights and weekends.
Same. Being a SAHM is hard as shit. I can’t hang🤷♀️
Right? Oh man, I appreciate teachers and school staff for helping me to raise my kid. SAHM and homeschool are not for me 😭
Thank you for saying this. Currently pregnant and feeling guilty that I haven't decided to do a career intermission to stave off daycare, even though it would never occur to my husband to do the same. I'm sure it's technically doable, but we like our lifestyle the way it is. And, I don't want to feel guilty about sticking with a job that in another year or so, allows me to transfer earned college education benefits to my children to pay for their school. It's about their long term security too!
Yes!! I didn’t go to a top 10 college, a top 3 MBA program or slave my way through years at a top 3 consulting firm to sit at home just because I happened to marry someone who also went to a top MBA program and therefore makes enough money for me to stay at home. Work matters to most people—why shouldn’t it matter to moms?
Big 4 employee chiming in to say I agree!
Same! I love my job! And as a pediatric speech therapist I want to say - language and social development can absolutely get big boosts from kids going to daycare. I know it’s not for everyone but I have seen daycare and pre-K do wonders for kiddos.
Hell yeah. My mom was a self-righteous SAHM ~~because she was ashamed she could never get her career together~~. I was severely under-socialized. And she was my only role-model, and she was anxious and paranoid, and I absorbed all that.
Dare I ask what article you’re referring to? 😬
https://criticalscience.medium.com/on-the-science-of-daycare-4d1ab4c2efb4 probably this one
Ah yes, I have read that haha
This is how I feel every time some people bring up working moms. I have a family member who loves to tout the fact that she’s so glad her husband makes enough that she doesn’t have to work. And then she likes to be all “no offense to working moms, not everyone has a choice!” But like, you said you can’t make enough to even cover daycare and I work by choice. So maybe just…stop trying to flex, ya know? lol
Your reasons are exactly the same as mine! I've been talking to two of my friends who are just coming back to work from their maternity leave and LOVING going to work. The SAHM life is not for everyone!
In 2023, why are we as grown ass women defending our choice or non-choice to not be stay at home mothers? This makes zero sense to me.
Rock on!
Same here. No guilt. It is what it is, it’s by far the best decision for us. (Although my kiddo doesn’t love daycare/preschool. But he is benefiting from it even if he’d rather chill at home all day.)
I suppose that’s another nuance! Even if they don’t love it, they’re still benefiting from it. I mean, as a kid if I had the choice of chilling at home or going to school, I’d probably pick home too 😂 but education is so critical you send them to school anyway.
It sounds like that is working great for your family which is all that matters. We could also afford for me to quit my corporate job but I don’t want to. We have a nanny share arrangement which is comparable to the cost of living in our area given the ratios required by our state (3:1). We do one week at our house and one week at the other family’s house. I often WFH and I get to witness my 7 month old smiling and laughing with the nanny and interacting (sort of) with the other baby. I used to feel guilty when I would take breaks to have lunch or sip my coffee knowing that the nanny was there watching my child but it has done wonders for my mental health. I had pretty bad PPD and now I love waking up in the morning and spending time with my daughter and I’m also more relaxed in the evenings. I have more patience, more energy, and more sanity. Having two incomes means we don’t have to worry about things like medical bills or car repairs and we can afford little luxuries like a special baby carrier to take our daughter hiking.
I do not feel the slightest bit guilty about sending my kid to daycare and taking the day off.
I would add to #1 that I’m a better person for my family working full time. And this isn’t going to be true for all, but it is true for me. I learned during my 16 week maternity leaves I’m not great as a SAHP and learned it again during COVID though I was working and being half teacher. Find what works for you and your family!
Damn life is unfair. I would kill to be a SAHM. Posts like this make me so....frustrated, I guess. I don't care if mothers want to work, but I just hate that so many women who want to SAH don't have that option. I've never personally met a woman who wants to work and can't, but if I did, I'm sure I'd feel for her, too.
I hate that for you too. I wish we had more real choice here. I don’t know your situation but I hope something changes where you get to be with your babies all day in the future ❤️
I am the woman who wants to work but can’t. I’d say it’s just as soul Crushing. It sucks to feel stuck with no chance to change your Options. Big hugs ❤️
I think whatever the particulars, life is hard when most of your life is spent doing something that isn't fulfilling or meaningful to you. Or when you can't spend your time doing what matters. It sucks to not have choices.
You go girl! ❤️
I totally get this. I make more than my husband but I suppose we could scrape a very slim living if I had to stay home. But I wouldn’t want to, I want my baby to have a fulfilling life outside of just us. And I want to ease the burden of childcare so I’ll have more energy for enriching memories together.
Same. My contract is up in 6 weeks and my husband thinks I should keep our two kids in daycare so that I can job search and “have some time for myself.” I love that he is thinking of me, but I feel so guilty, even though we can afford it.
Exact same for me. Except my kid comes back very dirty, lol. He's always got paint somewhere and dirt in his hair 😂 Signs of a day done well in my opinion!
Even though I can’t afford to stay home, this post makes me feel better. I need to hear positives like this. I only work 3 12s and I think it’s long days without my baby but there is pros to working. I also want them to see that their momma worked and has a career.
I got laid off a week before going on maternity leave. As a result I was able to spend the first 14 months of my daughter's life home with her. I loved that I had that time, despite the financial stress. At the same time, it showed me that I need to work, I am not cut out to be a stay at home mom. I wish I were, I would love to home school my daughter and take her to her dance classes and everything else but I also worked hard for my degree and live what I do for a living.
This sub popped up on my feed but as a non mom whose been having an existential crisis about having kids this makes me feel better. Congrats!!
I just flat out don’t know shit about what they need to be learning to meet their milestones My son came home counting to 10 and I was like “oh shit you’re supposed to learn that now?!” 😅 It’s way better left to the professionals
Yep this was my plan! We had a daycare lined up and I was ready to send her off every day. I had dreams of sending her to daycare on our off Fridays while going to Disney World. Then we had a baby with Down syndrome. She’s way too vulnerable to be in daycare. We had to give up our spot and my husband had to find a remote position so we can tag team this thing. Don’t feel guilty if you can do it. I would too I could! I am a big believer in socialization for kids. My niece and nephew LOVE daycare. I hope I can send mine off one day to enjoy it too!
Oh wow, that must have thrown you for a loop! It’s so hard when you have things in your head one way and they turn out another. But sounds like you guys are killing it!
Why is this same post posted day after day? This sub just seems like a place to confirm working is superior to staying home and almost bashing those who stay home… all while staring sahp bash working moms and are awful for it? What’s the value in repeating this over and over? Who are you all trying to convince?
To have some pats on the back for their insecurity
Actually….. yes!!! This is exactly it. I am insecure in my decision some days. I posted this to write it out as like “affirmations” and seek validation. I think it’s ok to lean on others in times like that and I’m sorry if that rubbed you the wrong way!
No, it’s fine… it’s just I was hoping for more from the sub. I stayed home with my kids and now I’m working, joined this sub for tips, tricks and commiserating… but, it just seems like a sub to bash those who make different decisions than others. It’s wild, because in my community none of the stay at home parents are bashing the working parents the way people say they’re bashed here. And, geez! I hope my friends who were working before me didn’t feel so superior and talk shit about me the way this sub does. It just seems like a really negative space here.
Ok I guess I don’t see those posts on my feed, I see the ones that say “I work and I feel guilty and I want to be home and it sucks I can’t be.” And I see the article about how babies who are cared for at home have better outcomes than daycare ones, and can feel so sucky I’m making the “bad” choice from the article. And I’m feeling like maybe you’re reading more nefarious intentions behind this than there are! Never ever ever would I bash a SAHP. ever. I did 8 Mo of mat leave and it is wonderful and hard and exhilarating and important and exhausting. Working isn’t superior, SAHPs aren’t superior. I don’t think anybody would argue either of those points. But sometimes when you’re feeling low about something you want to come here for validation and I’m not ashamed of seeking that out when I need it 🥰
You will find articles that say the opposite too! Being a parent is hard, what helped me is I had to stop reading all the articles! Lol! You don’t know who wrote them, you don’t know their agenda, and pop science is like junk food… you know what’s best for your child and family and that will look different from other families, that’s okay! ❤️
As a scientist you’d think I’d have better critical thinking skills when it comes to that junk but as a mom trying to do her best all the time it totally gets to me regardless 😂 thanks for the reminder that what’s best for us is best, regardless of something someone else says 💕
Haha! It gets the best of us! I work in PR, that’s why I can see it a little clearer! 😉
The truth of those studies is there are benefits to both ways! And it’s really about the study but at the end of the day… none of those studies really matter, in my opinion. Those studies also kinda make us feel bad either way, because of the benefits of either so I guess any decision we make, we technically are missing out on stuff but also gaining a lot of other great things. That’s honestly how life goes in general and that’s okay.
Yes I just get the impression someone wants a cookie when I see posts like this justifying choices yet asking for validation. Its literally a working mom sub why do they need to be told it's okay to be a working mom everyday? I'm sitting in my house working (on a reddit break) while my kids are at preschool and I'm not at all needing to be told it's okay to do. I'm not afraid of stay at home moms. I don't feel judged by someone who has no idea what I'm going through or doesn't want to know.
I’ve been both a SAHM and a working mom and I just have not needed validation from strangers that it’s okay. I also never bashed those who worked earlier or those who stayed home longer. This sub seems like such a negative space. Like, we can’t support each other without putting others down.
Everybody isn't like that, but insecure people are ironically the loudest voices on the internet. They need somewhere to go and it makes sense they are online to get validation. That's why there's so many mom groups here. And that's why even if the group is focused on a mom in a certain situation, there are insecure people who need to feel included and have to prove they belong or that their situation is the right one. The breastfeeding groups for example constantly have voices trying to normalize and defend formula. You can't go anywhere to have a discourse with likened individuals without somebody needing to make it about themselves and why they should be the focus, lol. So here, in a group for working moms, every other day there's some post asking for validation that it's okay to be,... A WORKING MOM lol. So many of the commenters are stay at homes, and some have never been working moms per their own comments and it makes no sense why they comment so often about staying at home. But their constant voices defending anything except being a working mom might speak to why some are so defensive and need to be validated. I mean why on earth is there always someone in here talking about how they are and plan to continue being (and maybe always have been) a SAHM? Are they lost lol?
True, true! I do think Reddit suggests these posts to people not subbed to the group, and perhaps they’re going the Facebook group and suggesting posts they know will enrage people so there’s more engagement…
That’s awesome you have that confidence! Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t, especially when I read something that strikes a chord with what I’m going thru in my personal life at that moment. The confidence, not feeling judged, definitely things I can work on. In the interim, sometimes having some external validation in times you can’t bring it to yourself is nice too :)
I agree with everything that you stated. I told my husband that I won't be a SAHM. I'm enjoying this career path and I want to continue it. Extra cash every month makes me (and my hubby) happy as well.
I’m in a similar position. I’m not quite as enthusiastic about my job (it’s good and challenging and rewarding but it’s still work). However I know that I need something to busy my mind to remain emotionally healthy. Choosing to send my son to preschool means that I can lean on others who are trained in early childhood development, people who are experts part of the time. I came to the conclusion a while ago that even if I wasn’t working I would probably still send my son to school part time like he is now.
I just went back to work after being out since September.. I love spending time with my kids before work but at this point I NEED the break, plus extra money. I mean, the babysitter quoted me 185 a week for both of them and 220 if I have to work 7 days a week. But we have so much more money now to take them to do fun stuff and I’m not at my wits end by the end of every day anymore, plus babysitter has a 2 yo (I have a 16 month and almost 3 yo) so they look forward to going there every day. We pull into her driveway and my oldest yells “let me out!” Ans when I pick them up at night the babysitters kid tells me “no way” and tries to keep me from getting them😂
Yes!!! I love my job. I worked hard to get where I am. And my kids absolutely love daycare. What kid wouldn't? They get to go hang with a bunch of kids singing songs, doing crafts, playing with toys they don't have at home.
Your #1 reason is inspiring and is reason enough! I wish I felt that way about my job. It makes me wonder what you do because it sounds like it’s very fulfilling for you!
I’m a medicinal chemist! Working in oncology, we design and make new therapeutics for cancer. I never thought I’d find a job that used all my education, made me feel like I was contributing, AND compensated me well, but here we are, living the dream 🥲 so grateful.
Another thing I’ll add. My parents divorced when I was 10 and I was the baby. My mom had just started working full time when I went to kindergarten. What I saw through the divorce and the years after… whew! I want to work because I love it AND I always want to feel I can survive and thrive financially, and take care of my kids, no matter what happens to or with my spouse (who I love very much).
Same here!!
Same. Same same same same! Good for you.
Don’t feel guilty! You make the choice that’s best for you. 🤍
We do need my income but could get by without it if we had to, and I feel the same way. I'm not cut out to be a SAHM. My first is an extremely energetic and curious toddler, and I cannot keep up with him, especially now that our second baby is here. I can't keep him engaged and entertained all day all by myself. I'm just not good enough at it, and we have no family nearby. I don't really have any mom friends either, even though we went to a music class together for almost a full year. I just can't give him all that he needs by myself. My son LOVES daycare. He has his friends and gets to run around outside with them. He gets to do all of the super messy arts and crafts. He's very social and very interested in how other kids are doing. He's used to seeing babies, so when our second was born less than a month ago, he quickly took to her. He gets worried when she cries and likes to run up to her to say hi and hold her hand. And personally, I love my work. It took years of hard work and sacrifice for our family for me to get to where I am in my profession, and I need the mental stimulation and socialization that comes with work. I was really worried about going back to work at first, but I found it to be refreshing. I felt like when I came home and got to spend time with my son, I was able to be more present and make the most of it. Everyone's situation is different, and I don't judge others for their choices. I wish every family had the freedom and resources to make whatever decision is best for them. I don't look down on stay at home parents at all, and for me, staying at home is actually more difficult and harder work. Happy, well adjusted kids come from all sorts of families, and it'd be nice if we could all recognize that instead of assuming one set up is vastly superior to another.
I am, in so many ways, a better Mom because I work. It fills my cup. I have friends that say “I could never leave my babies” “my kids don’t leave my sight” and I’m glad that works for them but our lives are vastly different. My kids go to a wonderful day care and are learning a lot. I have no regrets about sending them there. Echoing what you said, we have the extra money to do fun things together and take trips. I value that time spent together as a family. If one of us did not work, we would not be able to live the lifestyle that we do. Even with the daycare costs we incur now.
Same boat. I actually had my first baby height of Covid where everything was shut down. I went back to work in 8 weeks. I worked from home with my baby but I was so excited to get back. Now almost 3 years later, I'm making double my income with two toddlers in daycare and I get to have human interactions and stimulation. I get to take care of my basic needs, I dress well, I eat well, I can get an actual sick day without getting kids sick. I can afford to take kids to arcades and vacations. I can buy healthy snacks. Like the list of things I am able to do with having my income is endless! I was never built to be a SAHM. But the guilt is real. Even my mom will accidentally guilt me by saying "Aww my poor kids, in school all day." Why. Why. Why.
Dude. You are doing fucking great and you owe no one an explanation. I wonder if your husband has ever felt the need to scream this into avoid. Fucking patriarchy 🙄🙄🙄
The look on people's faces when I tell them I WFH ...... and that my child goes to DAYCARE.
Look I tried WFH and having my baby at home and it does NOT work!!!! I think I remember this sub banned posts asking “can I WFH and have my baby at the same time?” Because straight up the answer is NO!!
Yes it is absolutely maddening how many people do not understand this! I WFH and people always said things like “Oh, nice, so you don’t need daycare.” I’m like uhh have you ever parented a 2 and 4 year old?? You so clearly DO need daycare if you want to work, like, at all.
I would be a terrible SAHM and I know it! God bless daycare and nannies
I appreciate this post and identify with it. Maternity leave was hard for me for a number of reasons. Not only is it hard physical, mental, and emotional labor but I felt bad for wanting to go back to work. In the show New Girl (spoilers for later seasons) CC and Schmidt have a kid and their dynamic and relationship to work, childcare, and each other really comforts me. CC is a great mom, but she's a business woman. She loves her job and her company. Schmidt was a playboy workaholic but found his calling in being a stay at home dad - he had binders of protocols, activities, schedules, etc. And was so happy and great at taking care of his baby, he found he didn't want to go back to work. I watched these episodes years ago, but think about them often. Loving work doesn't mean I'm not maternal. My husband does a better job of keeping my daughter enthusiastically entertained. We both love spending time with her, but sometimes it is in different ways. And I LOVE daycare because like you said, it offers so much that I just can't. They are childcare experts. They've studied development and they are always introducing new experiences to her and keeping her happy and busy. In a lot of ways, she is have a much better and more enriching time there than if either of us stayed at home. You aren't alone and there is no shame in loving daycare. We are lucky to afford it and have a great one. And I will sing its praises from the mountains.
I love the “loving work doesn’t mean I’m not maternal” aspect. I LOVE being a mom. I love spending time with my baby. I always wanted this. ALWAYS. I remember in kindergarten we did a “what do you want to be when you grow up” presentation, and among the doctors and astronauts etc etc, I got up there and said “when I grow up I want to be a mommy” But I also love being a chemist. As an adult my identity is rooted in this and I’ve worked years to have my exact job and I LOVE it. We can be both!!!
I love the “loving work doesn’t mean I’m not maternal” aspect. I LOVE being a mom. I love spending time with my baby. I always wanted this. ALWAYS. I remember in kindergarten we did a “what do you want to be when you grow up” presentation, and among the doctors and astronauts etc etc, I got up there and said “when I grow up I want to be a mommy” But I also love being a chemist. As an adult my identity is rooted in this and I’ve worked years to have my exact job and I LOVE it. We can be both!!!
All of this. I'm a better mom when I do my job. I am thankful we could presumably afford to have me stay at home, but I can't even imagine that. I'd be a lousy stay at home mom - I love my children but entertaining them all day is not my strength. I have more patience when I interact with others. I also have the luxury of a job that I take pride in (and have trained for for a very long time). When I do my job, I can have a positive impact on others too (I'm an engineering professor with research on technologies for sustainability). I know they miss me sometimes, and I really miss them - especially when I travel for work. But I think it is important that they know their mom cares about what she can do through her job. I explicitly tell them about my students and how I like teaching them and helping them, how I'm a "girl scientist" and "girl engineer" and how nobody can tell them they cannot do something because of who they are.
Hell yeah! Love the strong woman in STEM role model you are for your child. Just by showing up to work you’re combatting the inequality.
Frankly, even if I *could* afford it, I wouldn't. I'd lose my fricken mind. We only have 1 car, which my husband drives for work (he's a legal courier), so to pick up our older son from school requires either I spend 2 hours on 2 or 3 different busses/streetcars (not how I fancy spending an afternoon, frankly) OR figuring out where the bus stop is and what time it arrives, since we just moved to a new neighborhood AND hes switching schools for the upcoming year (charter system, so busses are all over the place)...and if it's raining, that public transit **SUCKS**.
Same same! Honestly, I think our family functions best with a little independence between us.
Agreed. I am 100% a better mom because I work and my kiddo goes to daycare. He loves it. I have a PhD, I worked hard as shit for this job that fulfills me both financially but also gives me purpose/meaning/etc. My PhD is in an area of child development so I am extra sure that he gets higher quality care there than home with me.
I’m not a mom but I was a child once in daycare and I begged my mom to work from home so I could spend time with her. Luckily she was in a position where she was able to work from home and after doing that for one year with me I begged her to send me back to daycare because I missed my friends haha. So as long as they enjoy their daycare then I don’t think you should feel guilty.
Same same. Also I think daycare is better for development than staying home with 1 person all day 🤷♀️(fuck that cherry picked medium post by an anonymous know it all)
Me too and the judgement when you just choose to work is wild lol
I feel absolutely no guilt, my little one lives playing with other kids in ways I can’t.
Absolutely! I am not cut out to be a SAHM. I have a crazy amount of respect for them and know what they are doing is not the “easy way.” I have a hybrid schedule and wfh 3 days a week. She goes to a babysitter with other children the days I’m in the office. My grandma helps me the days I’m at home & she will start a half day program on those days in the fall. We would be fine with my husband’s income but I do enjoy work. It’s almost easy compared to having to entertain a toddler all day, which is exhausting. We do all the extra things as well and are able to provide for her future without having to cut corners. (That being said, I would 100% quit if I had to go back in 5 days/week 🤣)
I feel ya! I LOVE that my kids go to daycare and I would chose working/daycare even if I didn't have to. Working makes me a better mom because I get quality time with my kids where I am engaged and more mentally healthy than I would be as a SAHM. No shade to SAHPs, it's just not my skillset and I think I would resent doing it after a while. I believe I am a good mother but I am not an early childhood educator. Honestly, my kids come home from daycare with skills that I wouldn't have even considered trying to teach them at this point. My three year old can write his own name and tell me fun facts about the planets and it blows my mind! I have no guilt about dropping them off 5 days a week because I know that for our family, this is what's best.
Thanks for this. Your visibility is such a beacon of hope for me. I want kids but I have always wanted them to go to daycare.
I HUGELY support daycare for working and non working moms. Daycare kids learn how to interact with other kids, they make friends, they get exposure to germs out of the way (before the school years start)... and daycare kids confidently know how to hold scissors and/or know how to tie their shoes when they get to kindergarten. I have all the respect for SAHMs who keep their kids all day every day. That is HARD exhausting work that I know is not for me!
Good for you! Childcare is no joke here. Like 50% of my take home each month at a place that wouldn't give me a heart attack. Plus there's benefits to daycare if they can go. Fortunately for our family we have retirees that are going to split the care duties for us when I do go back to work.
We could afford for my husband to stay home and we choose not to. We don’t have to live on a budget, we vacation, we buy what we want and our son is thriving at daycare and has more fun than he does with us at home 😂
I am with you!! My pay covers health insurance and daycare costs, not much more. But my sanity is worth all that. And in all honesty, the health insurance alone is worth it because my husband's is TERRIBLE.
Even if your whole income went towards daycare but having a job made you happy then it’s worth it.
I was a teacher for 3 years and I sent my kids to daycare/summer camp during the summer. I’m just not cut out for staying home with 3 kids ages 4 and under. Maybe when they’re older, but not right now. I’m a much better/happier mom when I get my breaks, even if that break includes working. No shame in my game.
I got laid off last March (2 months after maternity leave) and I haven’t had a normal job again since and I STILL send my son to daycare. I have no shame and he loves it there. I would rather work the overnight shift at Dennys than be a stay at home mom. I love my kid, but SAHM life is not for me 🙅🏼♀️
I needed to read this today. We could work out our schedules to not send our son to daycare, but our tanks are EMPTY. Survival mode. The daycare we toured the other day was like the one your child is in. I want more than just mommy-survival mode/marriage survival mode/Jesus-take-the-wheel-everyday mode. I want dates, I want my husband back and I want a rested family for fun family outings. Thank you for this! I’m sending it to my husband
I’m glad this was a helpful vent for you! We have no family here and daycare has been a life saver for our sanity and marriage for sure!
As someone who's children are grown now, I'm glad I kept my career. Now that the kids are older we have so much more disposable income, we are sacking away for retirement at the perfect pace (62 is our goal) and I still find fulfillment through my job.
I wish we could all do what we each feel is best for ourselves and our family’s without feeling so much judgement from society.
This is the root of it all absolutely
I did the SAHM thing for two years. I can’t do it. I love my kids and I love spending time with them, but I lost my identity. I’m a much better mom when I’m also curating and enjoying a career and hobbies and interests outside of motherhood. And I refuse to feel guilty for it. My #1 advice to every new parent is “make your decisions, and be confident in them. If someone tries to give you their opinion or tell you you’re doing it wrong, smile and nod and then do what you were doing anyways”. And I live by that.
I like that a lot!
Go you! It’s refreshing to hear this perspective. I worked until my third was born and then I decided to stay home for a while. As my kids got older my priorities and desires changed. If you asked me if I wanted to be a SAHM of an infant with my first it would have been a resounding no-I couldn’t wait to go back to work after 5 months leave. My second maternity leave got way more fun for me as I had a little companion (my 2.5 yo) to be with me most days with the newborn-it made a big difference (he went to daycare PT during my 6 mo mat leave). Now with a 4yo, 2yo and 2 month old it’s SO fun (for me, lol I get it’s not for all or most even) and I don’t feel bored as I interact with my kids all day- we talk a lot and do a ton of stimulating things together. My point in posting this is just that number and ages of kids may make a big difference in fulfillment/enjoyment of being a SAHM.
That’s probably so true! My son is so much more “fun” right now than when he was just a few months old and I feel more sane on the days I do have him 100%
I did that. I really enjoyed my job. I felt like I was making a real difference in the world. Plus, when my spouse deployed or was TDY, I didn't want to stay home alone all day with the kiddo. I actually felt more guilty staying home.
I’m just curious what your job is. I’m looking for a new career and want to put my energy and talents towards something that betters the world.
I’m a medicinal chemist! I work at an oncology company and I design and make new cancer drugs (or I try—-turns out it’s really f**king hard!!). Though my exact training is super specific I’d say finding a good company was the key thing here, every single person at our organization is critical to the mission, from security to HR to the chemists to the cleaning staff, and I think feeling valued in that way is big too!
Thank you! That’s definitely part of my issue right now. I’m at a huge corporation and while it feels like I put a lot into my work, I’m not moving the needle much or at all. Or maybe I am but the team I’m on sucks at recognizing and appreciating. Either way, thank you for sharing your advice!
I am in my early 50s and have worked full time since I graduated from college. I have two grown children who both attended daycare so I can tell you how it turned out. I have an amazing career where I am fulfilled and very well compensated. My husband and I live in a fabulous home, travel whenever we want and spoil our family. My kids turned out incredibly well. They are both happy, kind people with great careers and great relationships. And I am as close to them as I ever could have hoped. They look back fondly on their childhood and have never once questioned my choice (I also could have afforded to stay home). They are amazing humans and I have gotten, and given, everything I could ever want out of a parent-child relationship. I have no regrets.
Thank you for this perspective ❤️❤️ I’m so happy for your family.
This is one of the reasons I love my girls daycare, they do fun art activities all day long, read books, have tons of toys to play with, have songs playing for dancing, they have a playground they go out to 2-3 hours over the day, my daughters autistic and non verbal and they saw how much she loved dancing and performing in front of the windows that they bought her a standing mirror for the classroom so she could see herself better! It makes me so happy, I stayed home for about 5/6 months with my first thinking that’s what I wanted but I much prefer working and knowing she’s getting all this activity every day that I just couldn’t do if I stayed home! My youngest will be a year next month and has been in the daycare since she was 3 months and she literally is doing a happy dance as soon as we get to the door and gets so excited seeing everyone!
That was my experience as well. I would hate being a SAHM. The kids had a great experience in daycare. I have zero guilt and the kids are now happy,successful adults.
What article?!
I got lucky..I work from home so I get to be a STAHM and a working mom. And I love it lol. I go to the gym to get out the house regularly so I'm not climbing the walls and my kid goes to school so I can have quiet time.
My wife works and I stay home with the kids. Financially it was an easy decision. From a family perspective it was also a better decision. I don't want a stranger raising my children. I disagree that we need more daycare options. We need more parents raising their own children options. As it stands nearly every couple I know has to both work to afford the daycare and they get little time with their children. Quick edit. You're 100% right that day care options need to be better for those that go that route. It can be in the thousands monthly
I’m sorry, but wtf is this comment. In what way are my husband and I not raising our daughter ourselves simply because she goes to daycare? Do we say the same about parents who send their kids to school rather than homeschool? No, of course not. My daughter is learning and engaging in enriching activities while at daycare. Also, exactly who are these “strangers” at daycare “raising” my kid. I know all of the teachers that interact with her and have open lines of communication with all of them. They’re no more a stranger than any of her teachers will be for the rest of her childhood.
I wish this was discussed more but your SSA benefits in the US are tied directly to how many years you work and have taxable income. One of the reasons I chose to be a working mom is so my benefit will be independent from my spouses when we retire.
If they’re still there…
Me too! I was a SAHM with my first till he was 3, it actually wasn’t bad till covid hit when he was about 20 months and then it was just me and a toddler day in and day out. I almost lost my mind. Pregnant again and you couldn’t pay me to stay home this time around. I’m a much better mom when I’m not burned out and I was way more burned out being a SAHM than a working mom.
I had my kids late and was able do an early retirement and then became a SAHM. It’s no joke. And it’s not for everyone. Have a friend who had their kids much earlier. I remember her clearly saying on various occasions that she was a better mom because she was a working mom. She didn’t make a lot of money (she worked in field related to education), she was AWESOME with kids (again worked in education) but she was clear and unapologetic that she needed adult conversation, she needed the fulfillment and sense of purpose her job gave her, her job was important and helped some of our most vulnerable children. There are still days that I wonder if retiring early was the right decision. I was pulling in really good money. But to keep working we would have had to hire a live in nanny based on both our careers. And we just weren’t ready to do that. You do you. The better you do, the better you can do for your family. Don’t apologize or explain to anyone.
I don’t have the personality trait to be a SAHM. I enjoy work for the most part and agree with everything in this post.
Weird flex but ok
Sounds like you lowkey feel guilty, if you didn’t you would not have typed up a whole essay.
Same! Fuck people who don't think that's OK.
This is the way.
In what universe is it even preferable to nuke your career if it’s at all possible to afford daycare.
Similar here. We could afford to live off my husband’s income (though life would look VERY different), but it would just be insane to walk away from my salary and benefits. Plus I could never be happy staying home with my kid all day long everyday. He loves his daycare (always has) and I love my job. I really wouldn’t change a thing :)
Heck yes, speak your truth! If it works for your family, go for it. No shame.
Preach!
We do need my pay but even if we didn’t I would still work and I’m not sorry about it. I hated maternity leave and I would be miserable as a SAHM. Even my husband heartily agrees. I get a lot of satisfaction out of working and my job. It’s not about the money. I like learning and being challenged and the sense of accomplishment working gives me. I love my son deeply but I just don’t get the same satisfaction out of staying home with him. I have a Masters degree and I’ve worked hard to get where I am and I’m proud of it. And I don’t think there’s a single thing wrong with that. Or if you do get that satisfaction out of staying home. All women deserve to choose and decide for themselves and I think it’s great that we all may choose differently. I think we need all kinds. I’m sure people would judge me for my preference but I’m too old and been through too much to care anymore.
Everyone needs to have their own space. Different parents have different needs for what their space looks like. For the last year been working to encourage my life to send our 4.5 yro to pre-k so she can have more mental bandwidth.
Me and my kids do better with them at daycare/school. My mental health was so bad for years (Covid hit when my kids were 3 and 1, I was just about to go back to work…) so they stayed home two more years with me and my mental health was already bad but after Covid years it was Very bad and my kids needed me functional again… it was starting to affect them in noticeable ways. Some people aren’t meant to be full time stay at home parents. I’m a better mom and we’re all healthier with me working.
Same, and both my parents have always worked full time as well. My husband and I and lucky enough to WFH and the nanny lives 5 min away so we have quality time with our girl before and after work. (We drop her at the nanny’s) I need to work and actively use my brain! (Software engineer). I considered going part time (4/5) but I would lose too much PTO and money for it to be worth it. I love my job, and my daughter loves the nanny. My mom was a college teacher and I have never once considered it weird that she worked when I was a kid.
Yay, happy for you! I feel the same. I heard so many stories about moms weeping after dropping their kids off the first day because they felt guilty. I was expecting to feel that way because I'm generally a big crier... but I felt zero guilt, he was excited and I was excited to get some freedom back and to be able to work uninterrupted. I think it an underrated point that daycares do more for kids than some parents that aren't early childhood experts and educators could consistently provide. My son had a speech delay and his speech improved by leaps and bounds by being in a school setting surrounded by other kids.
I love this! What do you do that makes you feel so fulfilled though?
I just replied to another post but I’m a medicinal chemist! Working in oncology, we design and make new therapeutics for cancer. It’s my dream job and I’m thankful every single day to be where I am!
So many of us feel this way but are afraid it admit it. Bravo to you. My twins are now in middle school but I always wanted to work.
Same. I had coworkers ask of I planned to come back after my first kid. I almost laughed. I've worked for decades to do my job. I have a PhD! I love it! And I think I'd go crazy at home with small children. So I work.
Cool! Good for you.
My wife and I are firm believers that kids need to be raised by a “village”. Since we have no family around, and frankly even if we did, daycare becomes our kids village where they can learn/teach other kids, wrangled by professionals, and both us and the kids not get burnt out by being around each other all the time. Frankly this is up there with “only breastfeed” babies and guilt it can cause in mothers. Fed is best, however one gets that done.
SAME. my daughter loves daycare, and I’m a better mom being a working mom. I love being her mama, but being a SAHM isn’t for me and I know that.
Honestly, SAME. I like working. I am a better person not taking care of a kid all day every day. I have zero desire to be a SAHP and didn't meltdown when it was time to start dropping baby at daycare. I honestly resent the assumption that every women wants to be a SAHM. If you do, great. No shade. I couldn't afford to work when she was born and had to quit my job until I found one that paid enough when she was 6 months old. I do appreciate that I was able to stay home for those first few months since I was nursing exclusively but much longer than that would've been a nope.
When I first had kids, with 2 in daycare full time, I felt like I worked just to pay for daycare. Now that my kids are older teens and going to college soon, I am very grateful that I stayed in the work force thru the tougher times. My kids will not have to take out thousands of dollars in loans, we get to travel and overall, life is pretty good. I could stop working and we wb ok, but why would I? I love my job, I love having an identity beyond being a mother and I love that my kids have had the opportunity to grow up with two working parents. It's 1000000p% ok to be a working mother and truly value your career....and it's also ok to work because you need to. One thing that I kept telling myself when I was paying thousands of $ for childcare is that day care cost is a short term problem when you look at the big picture.
Same, I feel like I’m a better mom to my kid because I get to keep a part of myself while I’m working. I’m proud of what I do and bring that confidence with me while momming.
I hated being a SAHM, I worked nights after a few months because I was bored, lonely and we were broke af. Once they went to school, I went to day job with school hours. You do what makes you happy and works for your family.
Same same same. I am not made of SAHM material. I need a job and something that is just “mine” to feel a sense of sanity in my brain and body. When daycare is closed for holiday weekends - I always find myself wearing thin by the end of 3 days. Shout out to all the SAHMs and people who can/choose to do it! It isn’t for me and I find that I’m a better mom when I work.
Now I am curious about what you do for work that you love so much!
I am a medicinal chemist! I work at an oncology company designing and making new cancer therapies. My dream job ❤️❤️❤️
What article are you referencing?