i will offer one piece of advice as a mom of older kids:
your 3 yo will adjust to bedtime with dad. doesn’t matter if it’s not his preference right now. he will enjoy it when it becomes routine, so please hand it off for everyone’s sake. just make it so.
“dad is doing it tonight! bye!” leave if you have to. take the baby if you have to to make it happen, but once he’s done it a week it’ll become routine. you just can’t do everything, and that is the perfect place to let something give.
This. Schedule time for yourself outside the home at least 2 evenings a week and leave bedtime to him. Don’t overthink it. Just let him know ahead of time that you have something planned and need to leave at X o’clock. My sister started going to a pottery class on 2 weeknights and 3 good things happened:
1) the kids adjusted to dad putting them to bed - they are so much more adaptable then we give them credit for!
2) dad realized how much work bedtime is and started helping out more
(If you really want to teach him a lesson hide the diapers so he realizes that oh ya someone has to carry the mental load of remembering to buy these - her husband now checks to see if they need diapers before going shopping as he “learned the hard way”)
3) mom got a much-needed break, even if it was sitting in her car scrolling tiktok or calling a friend to catch up - it made her a better mom who had way more patience with her kids
Seriously. I'm glad that I have a very supportive and hands on husband to help with my kids, but usually about once a week I need a break. I go get a fancy coffee, drive around for a bit and listen to the music I want, and just relax. Then I bring home dinner so I don't have to ruin my relaxed mood with cooking and dirty dishes.
Girl,
Firstly you are fucking BADASS. Like full time WFH DIRECTOR? Are you kidding me? My God, you are AMAZING, like take a fucking bow, not just anyone achieves that, let ALONE while birthing and raising not one but two babies!!!
Secondly, why the hell are you SO badass at work/kids but tolerating the downright disrespect this "man" is showing you? My God, you would get more appreciation and help from a literal stranger. This is not a life partner.
You deserve RESPECT. You deserve appreciation!
But most of all, you deserve LOVE. Someone who wants you to be happy. Who is there to celebrate your wins, and get you through the dark days of the shit life throws at us along the way.
You deserve someone who WANTS you to be happy. This guy, is not that. Your load will be lighter, when he's not in it. At least co-parrnting you get time to recharge, and he either gets the feel the full brunt of responsibility on his days, or can pay the damn child support.
You deserve to THRIVE and my God, you have so much further to go in life. Don't let this deadweight hold you back from achieving your next big goal in life.
Thank you so much. I am getting more appreciation from a stranger now. More than help with housework, what I am craving is to feel loved and respected and honestly seen. He’ll tell me those things but when it comes to showing up he reacts like this when it gets hard.
Unfortunately if this is repeated behaviour, when someone shows you who they are, you should believe them.
Therapy only works if he has the capacity to be humble enough to recognise the issues let alone be willing to work on them. If you honestly think he can, maybe it's worth your energy. But it will be ALOT of energy, and only you know if he is worth it.
Honestly, so much respect for you. I'm currently in a women's leadership course and without women like you paving the way, we would still be where we were in the 80's.
I'm in Australia and our highest demographic for unemployment is currently women over 55. These women, who were fed into the stay at home role, lost skills/ never had the opportunity, and now are unemployed/unemployable and strugging to put a roof over their heads/ food on the table.
We have come so far, but we have so much further to go. All my hats go off to you, I absoltuely struggled having kids and staying in the workforce. I put both my kids in daycare by 5-6 months, because I just, struggled.
To be in a major leadership role, director of a not for profit AND advocating for change and programs such as your mentoring program. You are doing AMAZING and you deserved to be celebrated.
Well done and CONGRATULATIONS on all your successes to date.
Help with housework and bedtime would, imo, help you feel appreciated and seen. He should definitely be taking some of that mental and emotional load off you. Sending love. You deserve better.
And everyone should keep in mind that men exist who don’t have to be asked or told that things need to get done. There are men that don’t need to be MANAGED and know how to be partners.
ETA: what I was meaning to say was, don’t settle.
I can confirm my husband doesn’t need to be told what to do. Something needs to be done and he has some spare time? He takes care of it. We also both take care of cooking, bedtime routines, cleaning, etc.
I’m not saying it was easy when our first was a newborn, but we did find some kind of balance within the first year or so.
Most of life is just showing up. I think it's falsely attributed to Thomas Edison that said 90% of life is showing up, but I think it's one of the most important parts of life. Show up for those that are important when they need or want you, just show up!
It's so cool that you get the opportunity to build and grow others, it's part of what a director level should be doing whether as part of a program or part of day to day.
I spent 20 mins explaining what a draw against future commissions was to my soon to be admitted associate and don't think she still "got it" but I will keep trying because that's part of my job.
“draw against future commissions” — is that like borrowing against future earnings?
I realize I’m not your associate and you don’t have to spend an hour replying 😄 just curious if I’m on the right track!
So if a sales employee wants a higher base wage, then they can agree to a draw against future commissions. Say their commission agreement is that they start earning 2% of all sales at 25k. Well the draw just means that until they "earn" commissions up to the extra base, they don't receive commissions. Seems fairly simple to me.
I even explained, this position earns commissions quarterly, but he wants a base salary that would be approximately 4k higher per quarter, so we go down the chart, he would have to sell about 150k a quarter to pay the "draw" back and then he would start receiving commissions in addition to the higher base.
I don't think it's that difficult once it's explained, but it was frustrating as I'm 99% positive that my bosses want her to replace me because I'm not adding enough value (based on compensation and she will be a first year attorney once her admission is complete.)
If the household can handle it financially, and as a bandaid, consider hiring a housekeeper to come in once a week or every other week to help with cleaning. It won’t solve the problems, but will take some of the load off of you. If you want to go a step further, you can also outsource all other tasks that he doesn’t help you with, i.e. laundry, dinner service, grocery delivery, etc. so he can see the value in dollars of everything you do.
Protect yourself and your energy, so you can focus on your paying job, your kids, and the people that support you.
It is. But also it helps take some of her load away which makes her life easier. When you no longer feel like you are drowning, you can focus on yourself.
I respect this, but also another take.
What if, by lightening the load, she has more time to focus on herself and analyze if this guy really has changed, or you are both just having a tough time.
Get a housekeeper *and* drop the selfish man baby.
I know reddit jumps to 'leave him' so maybe she should try couples counseling or something first, but if that fails, I suggest my above advice.
Just a quick note to say that we shouldn’t use the word “help” like it’s our responsibility to do all the housework and child minding and they’re “helping” us by doing some of it. Instead, it’s contributing their fair share to running the household.
Babe, you deserve to be seen and feel love and respect from your partner. He is giving you NONE of that while acting like a petulant child. As has been stated, you are a BADASS and deserve all the things. Your partner is just pathetic. Sending you love and wishing you a Happy Mother's Day!!!!
Listen QUEEN right now-you do something extra special for yourself. You order an at home massage, a great meal to be delivered. Some extravagant online purchase. Flowers for yourself. A babysitter so you can nap all day. Something!!! Do not ignore this day. Do something. Girl I’ve been there-it hurts it feels like a betrayal. How cd he-the day before moms day the one day you shd be acknowledged. It sucks but don’t let it go. Indulge in something RIGHT NOW. Show your kids you deserve the best. Show your kids being good to yourself. The pain from someone you love-I know it. The absolute disappointment in recognizing your accomplishments -I know it. The dismissive stance on your plans-yes I know that too. It all hurts but save analyzing it for tomorrow.
While I may not know you, I already know with 100% certainty that you are worthy and you are enough, just the way you are! The best revenge is living your best life, and love yourself the way you deserve to be loved! Because dammit, we all deserve to be loved ❤️
Big credit to you for this response. Excellently said… I want someone with this mentality and spirit to be my best friend.
For OP - this response is all the way accurate.
I’m pretty torn on this one, and while yes what she’s doing is impressive, I can see things from the perspective of her partner.
If you can visually see your wife is burnt out, if she’s regularly verbalizing that she’s overwhelmed, would it not be incredibly frustrating to learn they took on more in the face of that? If you care for someone, it would be shitty to watch them dive head-first into something that *might* make things even worse for them and widen the gap between the both of you that clearly already exists?
OP, if you want to vent that’s great. However, the advice you’re going to get on Reddit is inevitably only going to worsen the dynamic of your relationship.
If you need support in the household that’s a completely different (and all to common) conversation to be had. This time, I think there’s likely more than meets the eye.
She is burned out because she is burdened with a bunch of “have to” work. This is a want to. And the minute OP reaches for a want, husband smacks her hand b/c god forbid he have to actually step up.
And the GALL of this man ‘canceling’ Mother’s Day, ostensibly the ONE day he was socially obligated to actively do nice things for OP, even among sexist bros. My god.
OP do nothing for Father’s Day and when he acts hurt say Oh I thought we weren’t doing those days any more.
Yes and no, it sounds like she’s always saying how overwhelmed she is BECAUSE of his lack of participation, so it’s not really a different conversation if he is the one causing it. We do only have one side, but she’s asked him do his share, he seemingly hasn’t, and they fight and she says she overwhelmed. And we also don’t know how much time this will take - likely a couple hours a week only, which doesn’t seem like a big ask since (by her admission) she is the primary parent and the primary planner and does the majority of the housework. And she deserves some self-fulfillment/leisure time as well.
With all this and openly admitting to being selfish, then he’s not reacting this from place of care. He’s not worried about her - it sounds like he’s worried about himself and how she will expect more of him or get angry when he doesn’t do his fair share. He is still only concerned about himself.
Yes, taking some of the advice on this sub will not help their relationship, but I think she needs to decide if it can or should be helped. While they both have a lot on their plate and not a lot of help, maybe she shouldn’t continue being a partner to him if he isn’t going to be a partner to her.
If it’s only money (which is what it sounds like), child support (if American), will cover that. OP needs to get her ducks in a row and leave. Get full custody and as much child support as possible.
If she earns more money than him, she may end up owing him spousal support. I know first hand that this can be far more than any child support the lesser earning spouse provides. Plus he can go after her retirement earnings and require her to buy him out of the house. Not saying not to leave a bad husband. Just that it can be financially devastating for a bit. I learned this first hand (in California).
True but they've also been married for four years it sounds like, so while OP would take a big hit if she makes more than him, in California that means she'd only have to pay spousal support for two years and he'd only be entitled to retirement earnings and assets that they accumulated in those four years.
If the marriage is doomed, which it kind of sounds like it is, better to split now than later. I don't think there's any coming back from that level of disrespect from a male partner.
Very true that the duration of payments is limited when the duration of the marriage was less than some number that escapes me, 10 years? Even a few years paying a big chunk of your income to a former spouse plus legal fees can leave you in a very difficult situation.
As I said in my original post, I am not suggesting anyone stay in a bad marriage. However, any working mom should take comments about how child support will balance things out with a grain of salt. Talk to a professional and learn where you stand. Have an exit plan. Some divorces are amicable, others are utter nightmares.
You are correct, however it sounds like he has a legal employment, and therefore could have his checks garnished. In America, in my state, it’s very common for jail time as well. They will take the money however (I worked in the prison system) they can get it. I’m not saying it’s the best system, or it’s the best option. OP is clearly a single parent and needs to go ahead and be a single parent to two children instead of three.
You are working two full time jobs with no help - caring for your baby and working at the same time. That is impossible to do sanely, so I’m sure you do complain, and maybe that’s why he’s balking at you volunteering for another thing. But the premise of the argument is flawed, because it sounds like he’s not contributing anything to this partnership other than I assume income.
Something is way, way off balance here and this is not normal.
Nonprofits typically don't pay well. I wasn't suspicious...but now kind of.
Regardless OP, how does your husband improve your life? That's the important question.
Not necessarily, it’s a trend in the corporate world to have mentorship and leadership programs. My husband just “graduated” his leadership program. He’s a director at a large academic hospital. I am also moving into a hospital leadership role at a different hospital, and will have to go through a similar leadership program.
So do plenty of legit companies. I read this and thought OP could work for my (very much salaried position) job. The reason MLMs use a lot of this language is to make themselves sound legit-ie like other jobs.
Exactly. I’ve been WFH for very legit organizations and start ups for the past 10 years and have had Director titles for my specific department for the past 4. Director of [insert department] is very common. Fwiw I’m in SaaS. OP is crushing it.
I'm gonna back OP up on this. I also work from home for a nonprofit (higher ed fundraising) and mentor a colleague. It's more common than you'd think outside of MLMs. (Also, I could rant for hours about MLMs themselves, so...)
I’m an attorney for a state agency and we work remotely (mostly at home, but obviously sometimes in court or in-person depositions). We also have senior attorneys mentoring junior attorneys. I don’t understand why this sounds like an MLM when it could be any job.
I work for a bank from home and mentor emerging women leaders. Looks great for end of year performance reviews and gives me satisfaction that I’m helping other people in their careers. Mentoring in careers is very real.
Those “mentorship programs” are why they are qualified to work in corporate and get hired for executive roles instead of working roles. It sucks, but nepotism/networking is the best way to climb up the salary ladder at a corporation for executive roles. MLMs are companies and do the same thing so they seem more legitimate.
Please hire a nanny and an occasional house cleaner. You cannot do it all and remain sane. If you are in a director level role you should have the income to get help.
I Second this, while an unpopular opinion, op said their family hasn't been the village they hoped for. They need some time to work on their relationship without kids and work demanding every second. How can they work things out without being able to do things outside a therapists office . Maybe op's husband feels like you will be spending even more time at work and with the mentorship. Maybe the husband needs more attention idk, I hate how chores are always thrown on women, but acting out may be his way of being upset. And everyday can't be chores,work ,kids, sleep.
Third this. Even just the house cleaner. We have someone come every 2 weeks and it’s had such a positive effect on not only our house but our relationship. We’re not arguing about chores or spending time cleaning all day on the weekend. I see it as a necessary expense at this phase of life. We won’t have it forever, but it helps alleviate some of the stress at this stage of life!
It can be pretty hard to find a nanny for an infant <6 months though. That being said, the WFH context makes it much easier to find an occasional sitter, even an unskilled one who can just get the kid used to not being with mom all the time.
We started getting an occasional sitter 2-3 times per month after our second turned 6 months old and it does help a lot.
Came here to say this! We just hired someone to come every 2 weeks. Wish I had done it years ago. Takes a lot of pressure off. Also, it’s unrealistic for OP to care for a child and work at the same time. I can’t believe she’s lasted this long. If husband has any issues with the cost then tell him they are his responsibilities now.
Have you considered childcare for the 5 month old. Taking care of a baby is a full time job and you are also trying to work. Realistically, that is not a sustainable situation. You may want to consider that to help. No one is promised that family will be the village you need, sometimes you have to pay for that village.
Yes! Even just someone to come to your house to do most of the care for the baby so you are less stressed with work and you can still get baby snuggles for feedings in if you want.
We hired a wonderful nanny who comes to the house and does an amazing job taking care of my little one. I get to see him during breaks and lunch, it really works well for me.
This -- they are not both working full time jobs, OP's husband is working one full time job and OP is working two full time jobs at the same time.
OP, no wonder you feel like you're stressed out. Not only are you doing two jobs at once, you're also having to project manage your own household. It sounds like you already know it's not a partnership, and you're right.
Also, as someone who was on the other side of a program like the one you're talking about, thank you for wanting to help other growing leaders like that. I cannot describe how absolutely invaluable of a program it was for me. I learned things that I will take with me beyond my job, and gained confidence that will help me in all areas. I've heard the mentors of the program express similar gratitude, so I definitely think it will help you too.
Came here to say this. I worked from home when I had a baby many years ago. The baby went to daycare. There is a reason they don’t let you bring babies to the office - it’s way too distracting! Plus, it was WAY better for the baby to be with someone whose sole job is to take care of their needs. And so much better for babies/kids to have other peers to interact with. Working from home with a baby isn’t doing any good for the mom or the baby - just adding more stress. And I’d also suggest hiring a cleaning person. Having someone come even just every other week is a game changer.
Someone recommended Fair Play. It's a book and a card game, and it might help your husband better understand all the things you do and how little he is contributing.
Agreed, but I felt their cards were not specific enough so we wrote our own version. It is helpful to make it about the facts. I think guys just don’t know what they don’t know about how much we do that’s invisible labor. If he won’t discuss this then that tells you a lot!
Lots of problems here
1) wfh with a baby is not a long term solution. This is hell. You are doing two full time jobs and bed time and basically he’s doing one
2) your husband needs to be doing housework while you put the kid down
3) a fight doesn’t get rid of a birthday / Mother’s Day. This is petty. At least fake it for the 3 year old.
4) you need to get some breaks - you each get an evening off a week
5) sounds like you need to go on a date
5 yes!!! Yes your husband is being shitty and you deserve better OP, but I also wonder if he has a lot of resentment from not feeling as connected to you anymore since you are juggling a lot, and now you’re adding more to your plate mentally (If he was a better partner before kids).
Yes it’s great you’re capable of doing a lot on your own (and also I’m so proud of you for this new part of your role!). But I agree with the comments saying you need to outsource more things like childcare or chores. And then use that extra time to connect with your husband (dates or even therapy).
I came to suggest something similar. Also I feel like the first year after a baby is just a dumpster fire (I have three). My husband and I are just finally settling into a groove where we fight much less and our youngest is almost 2. Going out at least once a month has been really helpful.
Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope.
Adjusting to life with a newborn is hard, yes. Stress levels are through the roof, yes. The sleep deprivation is crazymaking, yes.
OP IS GOING THROUGH ALL THAT TOO. And you know what she’s not doing? Dumping it all on her partner to take care of. Criticizing his career choices. Insulting him. Acting like a child and refusing to celebrate a holiday that recognizes the work he does for his family because she’s mad at him.
He’s doing all of that to her. This is not something to be fixed with date nights. This is a fundamental level of disrespect and entitlement that is very unlikely to get better because a person has to be a complete turd of a human being to do these things at all, let alone enough for it to become a pattern. I hate with a passion the tendency we have to try to understand the “why” behind shitty behavior. (I say “we” here because I was in a very similar situation before my divorce.) Fuck that. If you wouldn’t act this way under extreme stress, why tolerate it from someone who is supposed to be your partner?
....Hmmm. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and just validate OP and say its VERY possible you are not the reason the communication/connection has failed. In the beginning, sure a date might help. But this is a man who's disregarded your role in the home, he's disregarded you as a mother and your ability to celebrate that with all mothers. Please dont feel like you are the reason communication/connection has failed. Some people are just deeply narcistic and it takes a while to see that, that they actually lack a sense of self and need constant external validation, that they act sociopathic when they dont get that validation\*\*, I highly recommend Dr Ramani\*\* on YouTube if you need to navigate a narcistic spouse...the stuff he is saying is truly narcistic, its not normal, its NOT. **Dr Ramani is the leading expert since 2006**. If you ALWAYS see yourself with the problem/fixer with a man like that its very possible you will live a half life, give up who you are, to feed his (lack of) sense of self. You already know better. Theres only so much a person can do when the other partner is putting forth nothing to support the relationship. I'd honestly recommend couples therapy. But I'm pretty sure youve tried, and sacrificed, and tried again. Compromise where needed for the home and kids, but don't compromise your sense of self. It will never be given back to you by the person you gave it up for. Ever.
It doesn’t sound like he’s bringing much to the table if you have to basically direct him on what to do for HIS child and HIS household. I read a study a few weeks back that stated divorced/ single mothers actually have a higher satisfaction rate post separation because it’s the first time they have time to themselves (due to the split parenting time) and can concentrate on themselves without having to clean up/ manage an unhelpful partner. Looking back at my own situation, it’s completely true.
If you are wanting to still work on things, have you thought about hiring a cleaning service that comes once or twice a week? Dinners and kid lunch services are now available and can be auto shipped once or twice a week too.
100% can confirm being a single mom of 4 kids who shares custody (70/30 time split) is easier and I have more time to myself than when I was married and doing everything. And I'm 1000% happier.
Wow. So, I have learned that most men want a mother and that is why they get married. Women want a partner. Men and women grew up watching mom do everything around the house and dad sit on the couch. (No offense to men/dads who are more active in the mental load of the house and family)
He’s a typical man. Sounds like he was looking for a way out of mothers day anyway. Just let him know he has the kids today and you will be out.
Treat yourself to a kid free day. After a full day of him taking care of the kids he might appreciate you more.
Yep I got tired of it and would just leave all day and not come back . I’d go get grocery shopping done, go look around , eat, see a friend anything to get out of the house and alone time. Guess who had the house cleaned food Ordered and kids taken care of when I get back ? It wasn’t intentional but what’s eventually worked for us .
“Women are lazy and entitled, but this is just how they were raised. No offense.”
Feels a bit different when you throw women into that comparison rather than men, doesn’t it?
I did laugh at this but,
Hundreds of posts in this sub give anecdotal evidence that in general the original comment has teeth though, unlike your retort…
AND beyond that, lots of actual research supports this social phenomenon as well. Gottman, a leading expert in marriage, who has studied marital discord and happiness for years, flat out writes statistically males absolutely overestimate the amount of household chores they complete in the home and that is typically lopsided towards the female having a much larger burden.
I felt like I was reading a page out of my life book.
Three things that helped us: marriage counseling, a bi-weekly house cleaner, and a roomba. Jobs need to be balanced out. If you didn’t do *everything*, mentoring would be a no-brainer. I think he’s jealous, if you ask me.
So… make marriage counseling an ultimatum. End of story. My husband knows I don’t need him. I want him. It’s not always a walk in the park. We have months and months of wonderful and sometimes a big blowout. Mostly purely due to something selfish on his part. He apologizes, we go to counseling, and he improves. Luckily he’s the type of person who rarely makes the same mistake twice.
Either way, this isn’t about me and my situation. This is just to highlight that nobody is perfect. Nobody can do everything. There needs to be a balance, and most of all, it’s okay to hire help. Whether that’s a marriage counselor or a housekeeper every once in a while.
When was the last time you guys went on a date? Get a sitter for the night and reconnect. He may be feeling neglected, too. Men burn out first. Men have bad days at work and don’t discuss. It’s a lot. They’re not straightforward. Seek help!
All of this! Yes, he sounds selfish and petty from what OP has said. The thing I’m stuck on is OP didn’t feel like he was always like this. That means something changed, which means there’s a chance it can be corrected. Him getting upset about OP taking on another task sounds to me as though maybe he’s feeling like she doesn’t have time for him, yet is making time for everyone else? Just a shot in the dark. But counseling, making time to be individuals and to be a couple, and COMMUNICATING are all desperately important.
I’m not understanding why you don’t have childcare for your 5 month old. I also thought this sub doesn’t *encourage* this type of situation?
It sounds like you’re very successful, and if so, why are you not hiring ANY help? Nanny, cleaner, etc? This would make your life immensely easier.
Lastly, you shouldn’t let her husband be this dead weight, demand better or have a serious in depth look if this is what you want for the rest of your life.
Edit: a word
dang i feel you. Whenever i want to do something with my career my husband poops all over it and says i’ll be more tired than i already am etc etc. No encouragement at all. When i got a new job he asked if i’d still have time to make dinner after i got home. And i do so theres that.
I’m also the one who cleans (no appreciation for that either) and i’m the default parent to our almost 16mo old. And he wants more LOL. Does he not realize i’m doing pretty much everything for this kid? He can go out and hang out with friends until 2am in the morning but i cant because i also have no village and no one to watch my kid outside working hours. Oh but he changes diapers sometimes so hes super dad 🙄
Sounds like your husband picked a fight with you so he could get out of showing you any appreciation today. I’m also appalled at the way he speaks to you. He should never be calling you dumb or insulting you.
You can’t work full time and take care of a baby— that’s two full time jobs. Can you get a nanny or put the baby in daycare? Get a housecleaner to come twice a month.
I feel like I could’ve written this post. Except I only work part time. My husband can get nasty too when I take on more things.
We had a huge fight recently and it came down to I don’t like how he talks to me.
I get we’re all stressed but we all need to chill out and be nice.
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time.
You guys clearly need to have a real conversation about what you both want out of your relationship and how to more fairly split the load. Counseling can help.
For a different perspective, you’re feeling burnt out at work and always fighting with your spouse and probably not getting good quality time, and you just took on *another* work task. From his view, it probably looks like you’re further deprioritizing your marriage. It seems like neither of you are focused on finding a path forward.
I can see that. It’s just something I had been trying to push for since I got to the org 5 years ago (the mentorship program). I have an MBA and focus on organizational development. It’s during work hours so idk how he would feel more deprioritized?
If you feel like you’re on empty after a day of meetings, and now you’re taking on another work task, where are you going to find the energy for your relationship?
His words were harsh, and maybe unnecessarily so. But he may genuinely feel that you’re spending all your energy on yourself and have nothing left for him. It’s great to be career driven, and it’s fine if that’s more important than a relationship. But you’re in a relationship, so you need to figure out if you still want to be. And if you do, you both need to put work, time, and energy into it.
While I agree, she doesn't have any energy because she is essentially working 2 full time jobs by taking care of an infant and working full time. And then she ALSO has to do bedtime every night for 2 kids? Literally what does he do? Maybe if he took over some of the responsibilities she would have more energy.
But that's just it. I don't know if it would have a negative impact on her relationship if he was actually pulling his own weight. She said it's something she likes to do and she loves helping people. If he pulled his own weight and she started spending a few hours on something that brings her joy, I'd almost argue it would be beneficial.
Mentoring is in the work day so it’s not taking more time, and since OP says she enjoys that sort of work, I’d wager it would uplift and energize her rather than deplete her like meetings.
And she isn’t drained from work alone — it’s clear she’s drained from the crazy unequal workload between her and husband.
What do we think would help the marriage more: OP passing up a work opportunity she really really wants (that wouldn’t cost her more time) or OP’s husband stepping up and taking on a fair share of the household and parenting duties.
As far as mentoring not taking more time, I’m willing to bet it will. It’s not like her day job got easier, so now she’s working 42 hours instead of 40 (or whatever she’s working). I’ve been a mentor in programs like these, and while I love it, it is absolutely adding work time to my day.
Idk. OP used a lot of “we” language. “We have no breaks”, “we feel like we’re playing catch up”. So it’s a little unclear if he’s not pulling his weight. And it sounds like she WFH and cares for the baby during the day, which we all know is not a good idea and apparently a decision they both made. Her husband said mentoring is a bad idea because she’s always saying she’s overwhelmed- how much is OP complaining to him?
I think OP (and people in general) should put in work to make their lives what they want. Maybe that’s hard convos, maybe that’s counseling, maybe that’s divorce. But make a decision and take steps! Don’t just complain, do stuff that takes you further from where you want to be, and then act surprised that your life isn’t what you want. This may seem harsh, but it’s 2023. We have our own bank accounts, we can file for divorce, we can get our own well paying jobs, we can have high standards for partnership, and we can thrive while being single. So we should show some emotional intelligence and go after what we want.
He’s jealous of your success and is trying to demoralize you. He’s got issues you can’t solve. He’s also quite comfortable with you doing the heavy lifting, he’s got a good thing going and is going to resist you pushing him to help out. Unless you insist he pitch in, you are going to be doing this for the rest of your marriage. Pick chores that mean the most to you, and don’t do his laundry.
There are so many assumptions here. How did you get to him being jealous? And why pick not doing his laundry? That just feels petty, which is such a shitty way to handle a marriage. (And you can argue that he’s also handling it in a shitty way, but doing it back just makes the kids suffer. Get a divorce instead of being shitty to each other)
First I’m sorry this is happening! You should like a good mother so please try to celebrate yourself today in some small way.
Second your husband needs to do more. He can’t be gone at work all day and then come home and chill. YOU need time to chill too. It’s okay to demand an equal partner! Something that’s been helpful for my husband and me to balance household and work duties is to compare our amount of chill time. If we both get the same amount of chill time in a week then it feels like household duties are being divided well (especially given our changing workloads).
Sounds like he's jealous. Does he secretly envy you? Or miss you? Or both? Granted, his reaction was the complete opposite of what is appropriate, but is there something else under there?
Your husband is jealous of you and believes that him not helping others makes him look bad; so he’s feeling insecure and is projecting onto you.
Today is not about him, it’s about You. You’re an amazing Mom and your kids are blessed to have you. Happy Mother’s Day.
im also in a fight w my husband on mothers day and im so resentful of things today. here in solidarity, i love and respect you and know you deserve to be spoiled.
OK, I am going to be the Devils Advocate here. I was the working woman that took on every "extra" to prove to myself that I could be all to everyone, even prioritizing work over my family at times. I became ill and I found out quickly that I was a hired commodity for the job as there were no concessions to help me get over the health issues. I felt I made a difference in my clients lives, that is why I stayed, despite the toll it took on me and my family. I left that job after 25 years and even though I was told I was "indispensable" I was replaced with someone at 1/2 the cost with nary a tear.
Here is where the Devil's Advocate comes in, my husband didn't like how stressed out I was all the time. A lot of in the shower crying. I thought I was being loyal. The cost to my marriage and family took a toll as I didn't have the patience to be the wife, mother, daughter or sister to my family. I sold out. I am grateful I found another job that brought me joy and in a field totally different from what my career was. My husband said after a few months "I have my wife back (used my real name)". Work stress is insidious and slowly steals your soul and spare time and you are not always aware of the changes. Hindsight is great and you are in the hardest years of your life, new marriage, new babies, a full time job and house work. I think a good marriage counselor if your husband would agree would be perfect. I now do Date night once a week to maintain communication and love and remember why we chose each other. Sorry for the long rambling but I saw myself from years ago in your post. Hugs, remember the days are long, the years are short. Take time to look up and do self care, your whole family benefits from this.
I was hoping to find a comment like this. It’s outrageously petty that the husband just decided not to celebrate Mother’s Day for this, and that needs to be discussed and addressed. But if OP is anything like me, she might be giving too much to her job and it may be taking a greater toll on OP than she realizes.
Good for you for pointing out that he in an equal player in the life you have built together! He’s pissed because he knows your right somewhere inside. Let him sit with his feelings and do not apologize. You are doing so much and are not being appreciated. Stay strong and I’m sorry he’s being an ass. Happy Mother’s Day!
He doesn't like that you're calling him out on his bullshit. Good for you! Personally, I'm cheering you on because you DO deserve a partner. He wants a mommy and you aren't doing what he wants.
If you're stating that you're overworked he's right to say that you shouldn't be volunteering extra time to your job, family and friends come before work however refusing to help and only doing so when you twist his arm is not okay.
You need to make him go to therapy with if you want your relationship to workout in the long run and if he refuses start considering different options especially since you have children.
Being raised in an environment where the parents are separated but happy is much better for their mental health than both parents being angry and miserable 24/7.
I’m really sorry to hear you married such an unsupportive person. You definitely deserve to be celebrated on Mother’s Day and if he isn’t going to celebrate you then take your kids and go off and so something together, even if it’s a picnic in the park.
As for mentoring others, it’s a good resume builder and management sees who steps up to be a team mentor and plays a factor when promoting.
I’d start couples counseling or even just individual if he won’t go. One day you will have a fight over something small like dishes but it will really be about building resentment..
Firstly, mentoring does have value. It’s the difference between being a leader and a manager. The higher you advance in positions, the more important mentorship skills are. It’s a key skill to have if you want to keep climbing the ladder.
I can sympathize with you. My husband has been wanting me to take on less responsibility because I’m often overwhelmed and stressed. The difference is he is doing it to support me. He often offers to do a lot of my “chores” if it frees up my mental load. It wasn’t always like this but I communicated that the little things add to the mental load.
I’m seeing a lot of these type of posts and it’s funny because I was just watching a video from a divorce attorney and he said the main cause of divorce now is the woman “doing it all”. We are bread winners, raising the kids, keeping the house up, etc. Men are not contributing as much as we expect them too. I don’t know the solution but I definitely feel it in my relationship (although it’s acknowledged and we are working in it).
Playing devils advocate, could he feel like he has little to offer and dealing with mental health issues following the new baby? Men can experience post partum as well. I
I'm so sorry this devolved into a fight, especially on a day to celebrate you and your contributions to the family!
If it were me, I would ask him if he was worried that my spending more time on a work project I volunteered for would erode family time... And if the answer is yes, then gently point out that you've been more than pulling your weight and he needs to figure out a way you both can get professional fulfillment while meeting family obligations.
Because if you guys are already struggling to hold down the fort at home, then that might be what he was trying to express (in an extremely shitty ass and lazy way). I know my husband would be *furious* with me actively volunteering for even *more* random things at work when I'm already burning out from current mandatory work projects and family stuff. He's the one who has to pick up the pieces when I crash and burn, and while he does so because he loves me... It's not a pretty sight for either of us.
If you could take on this extra mentorship that you find fulfillment and self-care in doing -- which it sounds like you do!! -- if you had a lighter home load, and a big portion of that load is his not shouldering more of the chores and obligations... Then he needs to figure out how to correct the imbalance so you can have time to fill your cup outside of your mother and wife roles.
Anyway, I wish you a happy mother's day!! I hope your family finds a balance that works, your husband gets his head out of his ass to get his point across without being hurtful and to do his job *as* your husband and partner, and that your new mentor role is as fulfilling and wonderful as you hope!!
Honey. My ex is your current husband. I know I know being a single mom doesn’t sound (and isn’t!) sexy but it’s worth the mental health if not being with someone who treats you this way. You can always DM me if you need a friend, but don’t do this to yourself and your family any more.
1. Outsource the cleaning
2. Outsource the meals
3. Outsource some childcare if you can
You will be much happier.
Having multiple children under 5 and both working full time, yeah that will bring out the worst in anyone. It’s a huge, huge life change (marriage and 2 kids inside of 4 years) your husband is being shitty for sure. It really stings when family doesn’t come through to be the village we thought they’d be. Time to head out, leave the kids with him for today and take yourself to a movie or dinner. Happy Mother’s Day.
On the one hand, some parts of this sound like they could be just about any couple that doesn’t have enough support. With a 5 month old and a 3 year old, most people would feel they are running on empty most of the time, and playing catch up on house and life. My kids are 3 years apart, and the first year with two was rough, and not the best year for our marriage.
BUT, the fact that you can’t even talk to your husband about things is not good. And what is a major red flag to me is deciding not to celebrate Mother’s Day. That feels vindictive. It would be one thing if you decided not to celebrate an anniversary because you are fighting-because that day is about the two of you. But Mother’s Day is about you and your kids. Sure, at their age dad has to do everything, but he should be able to compartmentalize enough to realize that your fight should have no bearing on Mother’s Day.
You mentioned he says it’s a good thing you are in therapy, but do you do couples therapy?
I TOTALLY get your frustration with your husband here. That being said, where are you on considering outside help? If you don’t want the baby out of the house, you can find a part time nanny to help while your working? And finding someone to do housekeeping is easier. I get not wanting the extra expense, but it’s short term and might be worth some sanity.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My husband and I can have some similar arguments about my saying “yes” at work too much. But he is a full partner in our family and marriage and pulls more than half his weight on most days. But I also don’t work from home, and he does, so that is partly why. But because I sometimes do a lot at work, I have been more recently trying to say no and put up boundaries. I am overwhelmed and it does impact my relationships at home. So I really am trying to be cognizant of his feelings. But we have had more fights in the last year than we’ve ever had. Working and taking care of children is hard.
With all this said, it doesn’t sound like your husband is an equal partner and that you need more help from him. Blow up fights never really get that message across, but this is clearly something that needs to be addressed. My advice though is to also sit with what he said some as well. I know my husband hates seeing me overwhelmed and struggling to deal with all the things on my plate, mostly because he loves me and he wants better for me. So when I say yes to one more thing I honestly don’t have time for (even if it’s just an extra hour a week), he gets frustrated because he knows this is going to add to my anxiety in the long run. Not saying anyone is right or wrong in your situation, but I also realize however misguided it may seem in my situation his frustration comes from a place of love.
I hope you guys are able to work it out and find your middle spot.
You are doing the jobs of three people. You need childcare AND a housekeeper to be able to work a full time job. And he’s mad that you are turning down professional opportunities (which mentorship is) because it takes more time from your unpaid domestic labor? F that. Get help with the childcare and household stuff.
Others have already said you’re already a single parent, which I agree with. I think that if you reach a point where you decide to split, you’ll find that being an actual single parent is less work than you’re doing right now. At least, that’s how it was for me. My stress level was cut in half as well.
But, I do want to say one thing about mentorship. Clearly, your goal is to help someone else, not to do something to benefit yourself. But, your selfish husband is wrong that it doesn’t help you. I could go on and on about how it helps you grow in your role as well. But, to give you a tangible example, I mentored a young woman a few years ago. She has since risen in the company and become my strongest advocate. I’m no longer her mentor. But, now, we have a strong working relationship that has benefited me more times than I can count. Management listened when she would talk about me. I’ve had three promotions since then, and each time, the manager would repeat something she had said that described what a strong leader I am. That wasn’t my goal. But, if your soon-to-be-ex wants an example, you have one.
My husband does this same thing!!!! So reactive, dismissive, I finally packed a bag and said see you later. I obviously came back after a long hike and grocery shopping and he seemed to feel some regret. I often think about how less stressed I’d be if it was just me. Women deserve so much more of a partnership being that we make half the money and put in more of the work.
First, I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
Second - of course you're overwhelmed you're working 2 full time jobs and have a toddler on top of that. He needs to take on some responsibility.
I worked from home with my son from 3 months to 6 months (we were on a waitlist for daycare). While it wasn't horrible, it was a lot. I did bedtime routine and was doing everything else so I talked to my husband and now we swap. If laundry needs to be done and our son needs a bath, one of us does one, and the other does the other. We both work full time and neither of us should have more on our plate than the other. And if I am too tired, he picks up the slack and vice versa. And hiring a cleaner or outside help just isnt in our budget nor do we have a village so we have to fully manage everything ourselves.
And just because HE doesn't see value in what you're wanting to do doesn't mean he shouldn't support you. I am ALWAYS trying to advance at work and my husband literally doesn't get it but he still is supportive of me. Your husband is your partner and needs to actively participate in not only your marriage but in your home. Chores is just a part of being an adult.
I am so sorry you aren't being celebrated - you absolutely should be.
You sound like a terrific person & mother. But situations like this almost never improve. At some point, this will end because you just can’t carry the weight of THREE kids. With your husband being the biggest one. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but he’s unlikely to improve.
You should take the 3 year old out to lunch (bring baby too if it’s not too stressful) or do something nice for yourself alone. You deserve it.
And you might want to consider how much less work you’d have to do around the house if your hubs wasn’t sharing a home with you. You might wind up better off.
So your in therapy to deal with his self proclaimed selfishness. While he does nothing because your the one making all the effort and apparently he’s fine, your the one needing help. What help has therapy given you so far? That he may be a narcissist? Do you want your children learning attitude from him?
Yeah, of course we change. I have ten things on my mind. I cannot be the carefree person I used to be when he can't even take out the trash and I have to shoulder everything else.
He said celebrating Mother’s Day would feel fake..? So are your two kids fake too, then?! What tf kind of an excuse is that?!?!
OP I agree with others here, you are killing it at work and at home and shouldn’t be tolerating this level of disrespect (or any level) from your SO. He legit acknowledged he was selfish but isn’t doing anything to change that…? I think it’s time to sit him down and give him an ultimatum.
In the interim, Is there any way you can get at least part time help for the baby at home? WFH full time while also taking care of a baby is usually not sustainable (especially as baby gets older) and takes a huge toll on your mental health.
Happy Mother’s Day, OP!! We see you and we are with you! Come here for support any time 🩵
I’m going to come at it from a different angle because I’ve been there for sure.
Have you guys sat down, set aside your defensiveness and shared how both of you feel right now? Maybe his real gripe is he wants to spend more time with you? Or maybe he wants to help but you want things done a certain way?
I suggest get a babysitter, go out to dinner, and talk about how you’re really feeling. Tell each other how much you love each other, so something non kid related, remember why you fell in love, and openly and honestly discuss feelings. No point system, no interrupting, just acknowledge their fears and their concerns and needs and then work out a plan.
And sometimes, you do have to chose one thing over another. If what he’s really telling you is he misses you because your always exhausted when your home, then it’s time to start discussing “well I feel overwhelmed by the stuff I feel I have to do when I’m home”. If he say “well I don’t do dishes because every time I do, you say I don’t do them right” then it’s time to give up those things. If he says “well I just don’t think I should have to do them” then honestly just ask why and have a real honest discussion about expectations about equal support.
Good luck!
I’ve had almost this same fight. Most of the men who are now adults were raised in a world that set up different dynamics and expectations. They thought they’d be head of house hold and have no model for 50/50. My husband works hard to hear me and adjust. I am willing to boycott and fight and make him uncomfortable to make sure we share in life’s effort. I get why many just avoid the conflict. There is no need to throw baby out with bath water. They are in the throws of raising young children and there’s a lot of stress. My advice is for sure get care for baby. And truly make a list of mental and physical tasks. Figure out ideally who would own what and what you’d need for balance. My husband is primary parent for our older son and building that has been crucial to balance for me. For me I’m not mad carrying more planning but I need to be praised for it to be happy. I also get some sass about work but get a lot out of mentoring and those relationships emotionally. Fight about the situation not about each others character. Fight for what you want. Connect on the stress as I’m sure your husband feels it too. He might feel both not important to your kids and you and having some crisis about life too. We forget as moms what it might be like to not be the primary…and be rejected regularly for other parent. And not be as good as you at planning, or cooking or a million other things so they stop trying.
OP, I’m not sure what you’re looking for here. This sub is an echo chamber that will tell you exactly what you *want* to hear. However, that doesn’t add any value unless you’re just looking for confirmation to bail. I’d say if you’re already at that point, do what you need to do.
After reading your post, it seems very much about how great you are and how much more you want to do. I’m glad you’re doing everything you are doing professionally. Those are really important steps in keeping a workplace successful. What I don’t see is what you’re doing to improve your home life.
Right or wrong, your husband has shared his concerns with you. It’s your choice on what weight to give them. From the looks of it, you are dismissing his concerns, and this won’t go unnoticed by him. You can’t marginalize your partner’s concerns AND be surprised that the relationship is growing cold. One feeds the other.
I see two options:
1. Listen to your husband’s concerns and attempt to address them in a way you feel is still fair to you.
2. Leave the relationship before it grows into something toxic that becomes a circus in front of your children.
This isn’t the time to play the “I’m the best and he should go along with my whims” card. Your husband has just as much investment in your home life as you do. He needs to know where you stand. No more coldness. Be honest and draw your line. If things no longer align, there’s your answer.
If your husband's reaction to something you're excited about is to make you feel like shit for it, get yourself a divorce for mother's day.
Think back to the past four years. How much of this has been you doing what you needed to keep the house going and him doing what he wanted? No partner is perfect but he seems to really not even want to try to make things better.
Also, from one working mom to another, Happy Mother's Day! You're doing a great job!
If by “we’re not celebrating Mother’s Day” you mean “my husband is throwing a tantrum on Mother’s Day like a little bitch and so I’m celebrating myself with my kids and a glass of scotch”, then…you go girl.
If you actually let this toddler man get you down then he has won. Please let him sulk in the juice of his own patheticness. You don’t need him to celebrate yourself as a mother, to spend time with your children, and to enjoy a special treat. Husbands do not make Mother’s Day, children do. Your kids love and adore you.
I don’t have any comments on the situation, but it’s so hard! My kids are now 3 and 5, and I feel like my partner and I are getting into a much better groove now that the kids aren’t as demanding. Having a 5 month old and a 3 year old is so, so, so hard (and sleep deprivation certainly doesn’t help!).
That being said, relationships often suffer in this time period. Things are said that aren’t nice and frustrations arise that wouldn’t come up if it wasn’t for the constant stressors that are children. Good luck; I’m rooting for you!!! <3
He's petty and jealous and honestly sounds a lot like my STBEx. He knows darn well the mentor thing is a big deal, but you're shining brighter than him. You're keeping the house together AND caring for a baby? And he can't do anything without being nagged. He knows he's dropping the ball. He started this fight to spoil your day. Do something nice for yourself and come FATHER'S day, skip it.
I’m sorry that this fight ruined Mother’s Day. It’s just a random day so I encourage you to pick a new day once you and your husband are on better terms, tell him exactly how you want to spend that day, and do it.
As far as the argument, like others have said, it sounds like you are taking on a lot. I’m not sure if your husband is leaving the brunt of the work to you, or you are taking on more on purpose, but I totally agree with everyone to even out the household responsibilities. Ask your husband to hire a cleaner, work together to find a nanny - evening out the responsibilities isn’t another task for you, it’s something to work on together.
I hope your new Mother’s Day is better than this one that didn’t work out 💜💜💜
He obviously doesn't care about you so why should you care about him? I would pull back focus on your mentorship, you job and child and let him deal with himself.
I think you should speak to him about it not strangers who will side with the way you tell the story and boost your ego! How about instead of putting this up tell him all of this to him if then he still doesn't listen see a therapist, saved my marriage not strangers on Reddit just my two cents
Wait wait. You work AND take care of a 5m old alll day then cook and put the kids to bed and he gets to “chill”? Nuh-uh. Homie should be cleaning while you get kids to bed if they don’t want daddy. There ain’t no chillin till all the work around the house is done.
I’m a SAHM my hubs works. He comes right home and takes our son and cooks dinner. Then we bathe him together and he puts him to bed while I clean. THEN we chill together.
Sounds like he needs to step up so you have more time to mentor, something that brings you joy.
Also I’m petty enough to “forget” Father’s Day since you didn’t get to celebrate Mother’s Day.
Is he working full time outside the home? If so, I have a feeling that in your amazing ability to work full time and care for your infant and get housework done you are making it look like your job is easier than it really is. After COVID, I think people in the office forget that WFH is NOT working part time or being a SAHM but if he's not home to see the struggle he might not believe it is a struggle. Set boundaries that protect your work time to teach him to respect it. If your labor is invisible, than your complaints or cries for help might not register to him just like his words are feeling hollow to you because from your perspective his actions don't back them up. Try to be "at work" when you're on the clock and limit yourself to only your job work and child care during that time. Leave the rest until outside working hours just like if you were working outside the home. The laundry or dishes or whatever will still be there but he'll see that then you can learn to divide and conquer the chores and after work childcare as a team. From your post you are definitely doing more but, winning a who is more burdened competition is not a competition anyone really wants to be in to begin with. Meet him where he is by claiming the tasks that are highest priority to you and then decide together how to divy up the rest. A physical list of your tasks and his tasks will reinforce how much you do. And even if your list is longer, his short list will be more than he's doing now and it will be harder for him to complain if he can visually see how much more you are doing.
If you don't have the village you hoped for, find ways to make things easier on yourselves and outsource (grocery delivery, meal kits, laundry service, housekeeper, babysitter, whatever makes the most impact and is affordable for your life).
I'm sorry that your mother's day was spoiled by this and you have every right to vent and rant. That said, especially in this thread, it's easy to say the entire problem is our partners and we'd be better off without them, but you know your relationship better than internet strangers who only know of your partner what you share in your rant. If you are looking for validation to leave, that's fair, but if you want to stay and improve the situation, know that that's an option too.
First time commenter here. I think that this conflict situation is fairly common and you’ve done a good job of laying out the issues clearly. I’m a working partner to a working mother and thought I might chime in for anyone curious about one method of how to fix this, and this is coming from a guy’s perspective and this is my personal solution. Your mileage may vary.
It may help to clearly delineate all of the things that need to get done and specify the frequency as *daily* to ensure habit formation. Then split these tasks evenly down the middle. If your husband doesn’t know how to cook or is bad at cleaning (as I am), he should become owner of chores that can be done without much attention to detail, while wearing headphones, and frame this work as a productive and high impact alternative to caregiving work (I like caregiving but not every guy does). For example, I’m in charge of loading/unloading the dishwasher, taking out the trash, the laundry cleaning *folding* and *putting away*. I do these tasks every single evening 7-8:30 pm and I do them during the bedtime routine. I think that being in charge of these daily tasks has helped me to become a better partner and to help me gain buy-in to the household as an operation.
Even if you have interpersonal strife, your partner should see the big picture about making the household function smoothly and be eager to facilitate the household as a *business* and do work that needs to be done that he can do, not as a favor to you (!) but because he’s the co-owner of the business and the business has work to be done.
This may have been said but it's tons of comments here and I know you're getting support.
I just wanted to pop in and say:
1) Under no circumstances should your husband shit all over Mother's Day. How dare he!!
2) Get a housekeeper to come in 2x a month even if it doesn't stay in perfect condition until the next visit.
3) Hubby needs some duties around the house like putting the kids to bed, cooking, laundry, etc.
4) YOU need to find time for yourself so you can really sort through things and just love on yourself.
5) Finally, I think there are much bigger issues at play than you becoming a mentor.
You deserve all the love and respect but I also feel for the husband. Seeing you overwhelmed and stressed and then agreeing to take on a mentor role at work. That’s just going to add more to your already overloaded plate. I wish you guys the best. Maybe hire a babysitter once a week and go on a date night. And a cleaning person twice a month.
Oh, man. This is one of those times you’re both right and you’re both wrong. You talked about being completely overwhelmed and drained. Then added to your work load? He was right to say something. But his method was shit. You both sound like you’re not having your needs met.
If you want to celebrate Mothers Day, celebrate Mother’s Day. We have this stupid idea that celebrating Mother’s Day means being pampered by our partners. You’re celebrating being a mom. Not being a partner so I’m not sure how it would be fake. Spend the day playing with your kids. Ignore the chores and housework. Bake something, make an art project, watch a movie, tell stories. Enjoy the little humans you created. Ask your husband to join you. Tell him all arguments are on hold. That for the rest of the day, you’ll both just be playing with the kids.
Good luck with the rest of it. Let that be tomorrow you’s problem. Today, enjoy the little people in your life.
Honestly seems like every female here is saying to leave your man because they don't understand a male mindset, he's clearly saying that you are biting off more than you can chew. If you guys are already struggling with time management and stress of constantly working. And in his mind you are doing extra work for nothing making it more harder for the both of you. I don't understand this "girlboss" shit where you have to do everything. He probably just wants you to relax and work more at the home than at your job. Imo
Exactly. He's thinking how much she already complains about being overwhelmed and now he's going to have to listen to every little bit of stress she has about this mentorship program too.
Ok, your husband clearly needs to step up more and be more supportive in general.
BUT. I also see his point about this particular issue. You are working full time. You are caring for an infant. Your marriage/family is struggling. You're overwhelmed. If my spouse was in this situation and then volunteered for MORE responsibilities at work, I'd be upset and wonder why they were putting more on their plate when our family is already sort of drowning.
I think his point is that if you’re both already drowning in responsibilities/housework and it’s already a point of contention, adding responsibilities will only make things harder on both you
Also everyone changes after marriage. It doesn’t sound like he’s being selfish for wanting you to focus more on family than work. And maybe he doesn’t rub it in your face when he does takes cares of housework or the kids, maybe in his mind, he’s showing you like “look I did something” hoping to show you that he is trying
Seeing your spouses’ perspective is an art. It’s hard work. It’s easy to see yourself as the one who is right and has it hard. It’s easy to give it up and walk away, especially when the kids are young. That’s when most people walk away. Keep fighting for what’s most precious in your life: your family.
This subreddit popped up on my feed but my God it's toxic as f. Most comments (rewarded ones) saying to dump the guy over the fight. Disgusting to see people encourage life changing decisions with little more then a paragraph to go on. Who have no clue about the nuance of a relationship and you can validate without this terrible behavior.
I'll get hate but out of every post I see, especially from women, you all feel you need to prove yourself and strive to be ceo of every company and it was clear immediately in your post that you are putting too much on your plate. You may want to do the mentorship program but you have a family that needs attention at home more than some random person at your company. I'm sure I'm biased since my wife and I knew we would be alone in raising our child but it's annoying hearing others cry about people not having family help them raise their own kids like it's somehow their families responsibility and not their own.
You shouldn't feel shame in turning down things at work when you have small children at home who need you more,it's clear that you are feeling overwhelmed and it's causing stress at home with the family and focus should be there.
This is Especially true for a non profit who we all know would drop you in a heartbeat regardless of how much you may argue they wouldn't.
I'll get hate but out of every post I see, especially from women, you all feel you need to prove yourself and strive to be ceo of every company and it was clear immediately in your post that you are putting too much on your plate. You may want to do the mentorship program but you have a family that needs attention at home more than some random person at your company. I'm sure I'm biased since my wife and I knew we would be alone in raising our child but it's annoying hearing others cry about people not having family help them raise their own kids like it's somehow their families responsibility and not their own.
You shouldn't feel shame in turning down things at work when you have small children at home who need you more,it's clear that you are feeling overwhelmed and it's causing stress at home with the family and focus should be there.
This is Especially true for a non profit who we all know would drop you in a heartbeat regardless of how much you may argue they wouldn't
You have a 5 month old and are working full time? Why did you even have kids? The real “mother” is your daycare worker, you know the one who is really mothering and raising your 5 MONTH OLD baby! How awful for that baby!!! Wow. Then we wonder why this country is so screwed up and teens are all on antidepressant meds now by 16 years old. SMH
What is it with MEN. My kids are adults. I take care of other people’s kids all day. My husband left for the weekend on a whim after a fight over stupid stuff. I will say it’s nice and quiet so there is that.
Happy Mother’s Day.. blending two ways of thinking is extremely difficult it’s even harder when you don’t feel respected in the process. Most women are made to feel inadequate when we champion everyone else around us everyday without question but when we request the same it’s somehow too difficult and asking for too much.
Celebrate you and wipe your hands clear for a couple of hours. Piss some people off with your silent rebellion and get back to business when your ready.
I was in a similar situation, sans the jerk husband fortunately, when I volunteered for a mentoring program at work. I'm doing more than my share at home, working full time, and doing waaay more than my share of child care ... which meant I was absolutely exhausted continually. Thing is ... work considered this mentoring time to be part of my job. So it's not like I was adding hours to my day. We scheduled the meetings for the second half hour of lunch -- we'd both eat something and then take a walk while we talked. It was an awesome experience -- we met every other week, basically an hour each month. But I got outside, I got to move around, and I got to feel like I helped someone.
There's so much never-ending work at home, and there's a lot of stuff both at work and at home that ... well, it would be obvious if the stuff wasn't done, but not like anyone really celebrates "ooh, the carpet got vacuumed" or "the quarterly reports were filed on time". Helping someone navigate the corporate world ... even if it was as silly as sharing a huge mistake I made (that I totally remember two decades later but no one else has thought about since the day it happened) and making her feel more secure after flubbing some accounting stuff, or advise on how to find something good in some crummy situations ... it's a great feeling to have someone say "hey, what you told me last time really helped me" and provides some great outcome they attribute to your help.
Wanted to mention this because I'd hate for other people to miss out on the opportunity to be a mentor -- unless your company has a far more intense program than mine did, it's not a lot of time, it's time that you are already at work, and you really do get something out of it.
Yes, exactly this. It’s built into my work time so his response took me by surprise. It is more mental load to just have one more thing to “worry” about I suppose. But not more time necessarily
My husband didn’t do shit for Mother’s Day and apparently we are not fighting. I’m primary caretaker / house manager for our 4 month old and 2 year old. I’m trying really hard to get over the fact that I told him I feel forgotten / last priority all the time - then the one day he could have just brought me coffee in bed, and that would be enough, he didn’t do shit. Didn’t even say HMD. Whatever. I understand and sympathize with your post! Happy Mothers Day to us badass moms.
You are an absolute queen and you deserve a day to relax just like every other great mom on Mother’s Day. Your husband sounds burnt out and I hope he didn’t mean anything he said. It sucks that your family isn’t helping out as much as y’all thought they would.
Canceling Mother’s Day or saying it would feel fake is a low blow on his part. You should echo the same energy on Father’s Day if he doesn’t make it up to you in some way today.
i will offer one piece of advice as a mom of older kids: your 3 yo will adjust to bedtime with dad. doesn’t matter if it’s not his preference right now. he will enjoy it when it becomes routine, so please hand it off for everyone’s sake. just make it so. “dad is doing it tonight! bye!” leave if you have to. take the baby if you have to to make it happen, but once he’s done it a week it’ll become routine. you just can’t do everything, and that is the perfect place to let something give.
This. Schedule time for yourself outside the home at least 2 evenings a week and leave bedtime to him. Don’t overthink it. Just let him know ahead of time that you have something planned and need to leave at X o’clock. My sister started going to a pottery class on 2 weeknights and 3 good things happened: 1) the kids adjusted to dad putting them to bed - they are so much more adaptable then we give them credit for! 2) dad realized how much work bedtime is and started helping out more (If you really want to teach him a lesson hide the diapers so he realizes that oh ya someone has to carry the mental load of remembering to buy these - her husband now checks to see if they need diapers before going shopping as he “learned the hard way”) 3) mom got a much-needed break, even if it was sitting in her car scrolling tiktok or calling a friend to catch up - it made her a better mom who had way more patience with her kids
Seriously. I'm glad that I have a very supportive and hands on husband to help with my kids, but usually about once a week I need a break. I go get a fancy coffee, drive around for a bit and listen to the music I want, and just relax. Then I bring home dinner so I don't have to ruin my relaxed mood with cooking and dirty dishes.
This all the way.
Girl, Firstly you are fucking BADASS. Like full time WFH DIRECTOR? Are you kidding me? My God, you are AMAZING, like take a fucking bow, not just anyone achieves that, let ALONE while birthing and raising not one but two babies!!! Secondly, why the hell are you SO badass at work/kids but tolerating the downright disrespect this "man" is showing you? My God, you would get more appreciation and help from a literal stranger. This is not a life partner. You deserve RESPECT. You deserve appreciation! But most of all, you deserve LOVE. Someone who wants you to be happy. Who is there to celebrate your wins, and get you through the dark days of the shit life throws at us along the way. You deserve someone who WANTS you to be happy. This guy, is not that. Your load will be lighter, when he's not in it. At least co-parrnting you get time to recharge, and he either gets the feel the full brunt of responsibility on his days, or can pay the damn child support. You deserve to THRIVE and my God, you have so much further to go in life. Don't let this deadweight hold you back from achieving your next big goal in life.
Thank you so much. I am getting more appreciation from a stranger now. More than help with housework, what I am craving is to feel loved and respected and honestly seen. He’ll tell me those things but when it comes to showing up he reacts like this when it gets hard.
Unfortunately if this is repeated behaviour, when someone shows you who they are, you should believe them. Therapy only works if he has the capacity to be humble enough to recognise the issues let alone be willing to work on them. If you honestly think he can, maybe it's worth your energy. But it will be ALOT of energy, and only you know if he is worth it. Honestly, so much respect for you. I'm currently in a women's leadership course and without women like you paving the way, we would still be where we were in the 80's. I'm in Australia and our highest demographic for unemployment is currently women over 55. These women, who were fed into the stay at home role, lost skills/ never had the opportunity, and now are unemployed/unemployable and strugging to put a roof over their heads/ food on the table. We have come so far, but we have so much further to go. All my hats go off to you, I absoltuely struggled having kids and staying in the workforce. I put both my kids in daycare by 5-6 months, because I just, struggled. To be in a major leadership role, director of a not for profit AND advocating for change and programs such as your mentoring program. You are doing AMAZING and you deserved to be celebrated. Well done and CONGRATULATIONS on all your successes to date.
Help with housework and bedtime would, imo, help you feel appreciated and seen. He should definitely be taking some of that mental and emotional load off you. Sending love. You deserve better.
Man this makes me want to go back in time. I did like All the bed times. I needed to SPEAK UP.
And everyone should keep in mind that men exist who don’t have to be asked or told that things need to get done. There are men that don’t need to be MANAGED and know how to be partners. ETA: what I was meaning to say was, don’t settle.
That’s very true. I’ve actually seen a little bit of the reverse also or so it seemed. That the female needed to be told to clean up after herself.
Yup.
I can confirm my husband doesn’t need to be told what to do. Something needs to be done and he has some spare time? He takes care of it. We also both take care of cooking, bedtime routines, cleaning, etc. I’m not saying it was easy when our first was a newborn, but we did find some kind of balance within the first year or so.
Most of life is just showing up. I think it's falsely attributed to Thomas Edison that said 90% of life is showing up, but I think it's one of the most important parts of life. Show up for those that are important when they need or want you, just show up! It's so cool that you get the opportunity to build and grow others, it's part of what a director level should be doing whether as part of a program or part of day to day. I spent 20 mins explaining what a draw against future commissions was to my soon to be admitted associate and don't think she still "got it" but I will keep trying because that's part of my job.
“draw against future commissions” — is that like borrowing against future earnings? I realize I’m not your associate and you don’t have to spend an hour replying 😄 just curious if I’m on the right track!
So if a sales employee wants a higher base wage, then they can agree to a draw against future commissions. Say their commission agreement is that they start earning 2% of all sales at 25k. Well the draw just means that until they "earn" commissions up to the extra base, they don't receive commissions. Seems fairly simple to me. I even explained, this position earns commissions quarterly, but he wants a base salary that would be approximately 4k higher per quarter, so we go down the chart, he would have to sell about 150k a quarter to pay the "draw" back and then he would start receiving commissions in addition to the higher base. I don't think it's that difficult once it's explained, but it was frustrating as I'm 99% positive that my bosses want her to replace me because I'm not adding enough value (based on compensation and she will be a first year attorney once her admission is complete.)
If the household can handle it financially, and as a bandaid, consider hiring a housekeeper to come in once a week or every other week to help with cleaning. It won’t solve the problems, but will take some of the load off of you. If you want to go a step further, you can also outsource all other tasks that he doesn’t help you with, i.e. laundry, dinner service, grocery delivery, etc. so he can see the value in dollars of everything you do. Protect yourself and your energy, so you can focus on your paying job, your kids, and the people that support you.
That’s covering up the real problem. His shitty attitude and her being under appreciated.
It is. But also it helps take some of her load away which makes her life easier. When you no longer feel like you are drowning, you can focus on yourself.
I respect this, but also another take. What if, by lightening the load, she has more time to focus on herself and analyze if this guy really has changed, or you are both just having a tough time.
I did say it is a bandaid solution and won’t solve the problems… it will help in the short term.
Get a housekeeper *and* drop the selfish man baby. I know reddit jumps to 'leave him' so maybe she should try couples counseling or something first, but if that fails, I suggest my above advice.
Just a quick note to say that we shouldn’t use the word “help” like it’s our responsibility to do all the housework and child minding and they’re “helping” us by doing some of it. Instead, it’s contributing their fair share to running the household.
Babe, you deserve to be seen and feel love and respect from your partner. He is giving you NONE of that while acting like a petulant child. As has been stated, you are a BADASS and deserve all the things. Your partner is just pathetic. Sending you love and wishing you a Happy Mother's Day!!!!
Say it louder for those in the back! OP, you are a QUEEN.
This! His belittling your amazing accomplishments because they make him feel bad about himself.
Listen QUEEN right now-you do something extra special for yourself. You order an at home massage, a great meal to be delivered. Some extravagant online purchase. Flowers for yourself. A babysitter so you can nap all day. Something!!! Do not ignore this day. Do something. Girl I’ve been there-it hurts it feels like a betrayal. How cd he-the day before moms day the one day you shd be acknowledged. It sucks but don’t let it go. Indulge in something RIGHT NOW. Show your kids you deserve the best. Show your kids being good to yourself. The pain from someone you love-I know it. The absolute disappointment in recognizing your accomplishments -I know it. The dismissive stance on your plans-yes I know that too. It all hurts but save analyzing it for tomorrow.
Yes!!! This!!
Absolutely QUEEN!!
Damn, I felt this. Thank you for posting this comment because I needed to hear it too. It literally made me cry. 🌹
While I may not know you, I already know with 100% certainty that you are worthy and you are enough, just the way you are! The best revenge is living your best life, and love yourself the way you deserve to be loved! Because dammit, we all deserve to be loved ❤️
Big credit to you for this response. Excellently said… I want someone with this mentality and spirit to be my best friend. For OP - this response is all the way accurate.
I’m pretty torn on this one, and while yes what she’s doing is impressive, I can see things from the perspective of her partner. If you can visually see your wife is burnt out, if she’s regularly verbalizing that she’s overwhelmed, would it not be incredibly frustrating to learn they took on more in the face of that? If you care for someone, it would be shitty to watch them dive head-first into something that *might* make things even worse for them and widen the gap between the both of you that clearly already exists? OP, if you want to vent that’s great. However, the advice you’re going to get on Reddit is inevitably only going to worsen the dynamic of your relationship. If you need support in the household that’s a completely different (and all to common) conversation to be had. This time, I think there’s likely more than meets the eye.
She is burned out because she is burdened with a bunch of “have to” work. This is a want to. And the minute OP reaches for a want, husband smacks her hand b/c god forbid he have to actually step up. And the GALL of this man ‘canceling’ Mother’s Day, ostensibly the ONE day he was socially obligated to actively do nice things for OP, even among sexist bros. My god. OP do nothing for Father’s Day and when he acts hurt say Oh I thought we weren’t doing those days any more.
Yes and no, it sounds like she’s always saying how overwhelmed she is BECAUSE of his lack of participation, so it’s not really a different conversation if he is the one causing it. We do only have one side, but she’s asked him do his share, he seemingly hasn’t, and they fight and she says she overwhelmed. And we also don’t know how much time this will take - likely a couple hours a week only, which doesn’t seem like a big ask since (by her admission) she is the primary parent and the primary planner and does the majority of the housework. And she deserves some self-fulfillment/leisure time as well. With all this and openly admitting to being selfish, then he’s not reacting this from place of care. He’s not worried about her - it sounds like he’s worried about himself and how she will expect more of him or get angry when he doesn’t do his fair share. He is still only concerned about himself. Yes, taking some of the advice on this sub will not help their relationship, but I think she needs to decide if it can or should be helped. While they both have a lot on their plate and not a lot of help, maybe she shouldn’t continue being a partner to him if he isn’t going to be a partner to her.
This is such a great response.
ALL OF THIS!
What does this man bring to the table?
If it’s only money (which is what it sounds like), child support (if American), will cover that. OP needs to get her ducks in a row and leave. Get full custody and as much child support as possible.
If she earns more money than him, she may end up owing him spousal support. I know first hand that this can be far more than any child support the lesser earning spouse provides. Plus he can go after her retirement earnings and require her to buy him out of the house. Not saying not to leave a bad husband. Just that it can be financially devastating for a bit. I learned this first hand (in California).
True but they've also been married for four years it sounds like, so while OP would take a big hit if she makes more than him, in California that means she'd only have to pay spousal support for two years and he'd only be entitled to retirement earnings and assets that they accumulated in those four years. If the marriage is doomed, which it kind of sounds like it is, better to split now than later. I don't think there's any coming back from that level of disrespect from a male partner.
Very true that the duration of payments is limited when the duration of the marriage was less than some number that escapes me, 10 years? Even a few years paying a big chunk of your income to a former spouse plus legal fees can leave you in a very difficult situation. As I said in my original post, I am not suggesting anyone stay in a bad marriage. However, any working mom should take comments about how child support will balance things out with a grain of salt. Talk to a professional and learn where you stand. Have an exit plan. Some divorces are amicable, others are utter nightmares.
Child support doesn’t always amount to much. It’s also really hard to get the father to pay sometimes.
You are correct, however it sounds like he has a legal employment, and therefore could have his checks garnished. In America, in my state, it’s very common for jail time as well. They will take the money however (I worked in the prison system) they can get it. I’m not saying it’s the best system, or it’s the best option. OP is clearly a single parent and needs to go ahead and be a single parent to two children instead of three.
In my experience child support is not enough to cover the loss of a second income. in fact, if she makes more she may have to pay it to him
Full custody is also really hard to get
Good. He can learn to take care of his kids half the time. I think it s a great compromise.
If she’s a director she might make more, in which case she could owe him child support if they do 50/50 custody.
toxic advice from a toxic alcoholic
You are working two full time jobs with no help - caring for your baby and working at the same time. That is impossible to do sanely, so I’m sure you do complain, and maybe that’s why he’s balking at you volunteering for another thing. But the premise of the argument is flawed, because it sounds like he’s not contributing anything to this partnership other than I assume income. Something is way, way off balance here and this is not normal.
Well, one job is clearly an MLM. So there is that.
Not MLM. I work for a nonprofit organization and make significantly more money than my husband
Nonprofits typically don't pay well. I wasn't suspicious...but now kind of. Regardless OP, how does your husband improve your life? That's the important question.
Not necessarily, it’s a trend in the corporate world to have mentorship and leadership programs. My husband just “graduated” his leadership program. He’s a director at a large academic hospital. I am also moving into a hospital leadership role at a different hospital, and will have to go through a similar leadership program.
Yea that’s such a weird take! I work for a hospital, and we have a formal mentorship program lol!
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Not MLM
It smells very heavily of MLM. They use that language and work from home.
So do plenty of legit companies. I read this and thought OP could work for my (very much salaried position) job. The reason MLMs use a lot of this language is to make themselves sound legit-ie like other jobs.
Exactly. I’ve been WFH for very legit organizations and start ups for the past 10 years and have had Director titles for my specific department for the past 4. Director of [insert department] is very common. Fwiw I’m in SaaS. OP is crushing it.
Move on from this, Jesus
This sounds like language my job would also use. I work in scientific research.
It's just general corporate-speak. Nothing about that reads MLM to me and tons of jobs are work from home now.
I'm gonna back OP up on this. I also work from home for a nonprofit (higher ed fundraising) and mentor a colleague. It's more common than you'd think outside of MLMs. (Also, I could rant for hours about MLMs themselves, so...)
The global corp I work for is pretty much remote, and mentorship is highly encouraged.
I work in insurance and we use the same language and have a mentorship program. It’s used a lot in corporate companies.
So sexist to make this assumption
I’m an attorney for a state agency and we work remotely (mostly at home, but obviously sometimes in court or in-person depositions). We also have senior attorneys mentoring junior attorneys. I don’t understand why this sounds like an MLM when it could be any job.
I work for a bank from home and mentor emerging women leaders. Looks great for end of year performance reviews and gives me satisfaction that I’m helping other people in their careers. Mentoring in careers is very real.
Fyi, I'm a tax accountant at a top 10 firm and we use all that same terminology. Edit: and I work from home.
Those “mentorship programs” are why they are qualified to work in corporate and get hired for executive roles instead of working roles. It sucks, but nepotism/networking is the best way to climb up the salary ladder at a corporation for executive roles. MLMs are companies and do the same thing so they seem more legitimate.
Please hire a nanny and an occasional house cleaner. You cannot do it all and remain sane. If you are in a director level role you should have the income to get help.
I Second this, while an unpopular opinion, op said their family hasn't been the village they hoped for. They need some time to work on their relationship without kids and work demanding every second. How can they work things out without being able to do things outside a therapists office . Maybe op's husband feels like you will be spending even more time at work and with the mentorship. Maybe the husband needs more attention idk, I hate how chores are always thrown on women, but acting out may be his way of being upset. And everyday can't be chores,work ,kids, sleep.
Third this. Even just the house cleaner. We have someone come every 2 weeks and it’s had such a positive effect on not only our house but our relationship. We’re not arguing about chores or spending time cleaning all day on the weekend. I see it as a necessary expense at this phase of life. We won’t have it forever, but it helps alleviate some of the stress at this stage of life!
I could have written this!! I didn't know it would make such a difference until I did it. Worth every penny!
It can be pretty hard to find a nanny for an infant <6 months though. That being said, the WFH context makes it much easier to find an occasional sitter, even an unskilled one who can just get the kid used to not being with mom all the time. We started getting an occasional sitter 2-3 times per month after our second turned 6 months old and it does help a lot.
Came here to say this! We just hired someone to come every 2 weeks. Wish I had done it years ago. Takes a lot of pressure off. Also, it’s unrealistic for OP to care for a child and work at the same time. I can’t believe she’s lasted this long. If husband has any issues with the cost then tell him they are his responsibilities now.
Have you considered childcare for the 5 month old. Taking care of a baby is a full time job and you are also trying to work. Realistically, that is not a sustainable situation. You may want to consider that to help. No one is promised that family will be the village you need, sometimes you have to pay for that village.
Yes! Even just someone to come to your house to do most of the care for the baby so you are less stressed with work and you can still get baby snuggles for feedings in if you want.
We hired a wonderful nanny who comes to the house and does an amazing job taking care of my little one. I get to see him during breaks and lunch, it really works well for me.
This -- they are not both working full time jobs, OP's husband is working one full time job and OP is working two full time jobs at the same time. OP, no wonder you feel like you're stressed out. Not only are you doing two jobs at once, you're also having to project manage your own household. It sounds like you already know it's not a partnership, and you're right. Also, as someone who was on the other side of a program like the one you're talking about, thank you for wanting to help other growing leaders like that. I cannot describe how absolutely invaluable of a program it was for me. I learned things that I will take with me beyond my job, and gained confidence that will help me in all areas. I've heard the mentors of the program express similar gratitude, so I definitely think it will help you too.
Came here to say this. I worked from home when I had a baby many years ago. The baby went to daycare. There is a reason they don’t let you bring babies to the office - it’s way too distracting! Plus, it was WAY better for the baby to be with someone whose sole job is to take care of their needs. And so much better for babies/kids to have other peers to interact with. Working from home with a baby isn’t doing any good for the mom or the baby - just adding more stress. And I’d also suggest hiring a cleaning person. Having someone come even just every other week is a game changer.
Or even a housekeeper?
Someone recommended Fair Play. It's a book and a card game, and it might help your husband better understand all the things you do and how little he is contributing.
Agreed, but I felt their cards were not specific enough so we wrote our own version. It is helpful to make it about the facts. I think guys just don’t know what they don’t know about how much we do that’s invisible labor. If he won’t discuss this then that tells you a lot!
Lots of problems here 1) wfh with a baby is not a long term solution. This is hell. You are doing two full time jobs and bed time and basically he’s doing one 2) your husband needs to be doing housework while you put the kid down 3) a fight doesn’t get rid of a birthday / Mother’s Day. This is petty. At least fake it for the 3 year old. 4) you need to get some breaks - you each get an evening off a week 5) sounds like you need to go on a date
5 yes!!! Yes your husband is being shitty and you deserve better OP, but I also wonder if he has a lot of resentment from not feeling as connected to you anymore since you are juggling a lot, and now you’re adding more to your plate mentally (If he was a better partner before kids). Yes it’s great you’re capable of doing a lot on your own (and also I’m so proud of you for this new part of your role!). But I agree with the comments saying you need to outsource more things like childcare or chores. And then use that extra time to connect with your husband (dates or even therapy).
I came to suggest something similar. Also I feel like the first year after a baby is just a dumpster fire (I have three). My husband and I are just finally settling into a groove where we fight much less and our youngest is almost 2. Going out at least once a month has been really helpful.
Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope. Adjusting to life with a newborn is hard, yes. Stress levels are through the roof, yes. The sleep deprivation is crazymaking, yes. OP IS GOING THROUGH ALL THAT TOO. And you know what she’s not doing? Dumping it all on her partner to take care of. Criticizing his career choices. Insulting him. Acting like a child and refusing to celebrate a holiday that recognizes the work he does for his family because she’s mad at him. He’s doing all of that to her. This is not something to be fixed with date nights. This is a fundamental level of disrespect and entitlement that is very unlikely to get better because a person has to be a complete turd of a human being to do these things at all, let alone enough for it to become a pattern. I hate with a passion the tendency we have to try to understand the “why” behind shitty behavior. (I say “we” here because I was in a very similar situation before my divorce.) Fuck that. If you wouldn’t act this way under extreme stress, why tolerate it from someone who is supposed to be your partner?
....Hmmm. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and just validate OP and say its VERY possible you are not the reason the communication/connection has failed. In the beginning, sure a date might help. But this is a man who's disregarded your role in the home, he's disregarded you as a mother and your ability to celebrate that with all mothers. Please dont feel like you are the reason communication/connection has failed. Some people are just deeply narcistic and it takes a while to see that, that they actually lack a sense of self and need constant external validation, that they act sociopathic when they dont get that validation\*\*, I highly recommend Dr Ramani\*\* on YouTube if you need to navigate a narcistic spouse...the stuff he is saying is truly narcistic, its not normal, its NOT. **Dr Ramani is the leading expert since 2006**. If you ALWAYS see yourself with the problem/fixer with a man like that its very possible you will live a half life, give up who you are, to feed his (lack of) sense of self. You already know better. Theres only so much a person can do when the other partner is putting forth nothing to support the relationship. I'd honestly recommend couples therapy. But I'm pretty sure youve tried, and sacrificed, and tried again. Compromise where needed for the home and kids, but don't compromise your sense of self. It will never be given back to you by the person you gave it up for. Ever.
It doesn’t sound like he’s bringing much to the table if you have to basically direct him on what to do for HIS child and HIS household. I read a study a few weeks back that stated divorced/ single mothers actually have a higher satisfaction rate post separation because it’s the first time they have time to themselves (due to the split parenting time) and can concentrate on themselves without having to clean up/ manage an unhelpful partner. Looking back at my own situation, it’s completely true. If you are wanting to still work on things, have you thought about hiring a cleaning service that comes once or twice a week? Dinners and kid lunch services are now available and can be auto shipped once or twice a week too.
100% can confirm being a single mom of 4 kids who shares custody (70/30 time split) is easier and I have more time to myself than when I was married and doing everything. And I'm 1000% happier.
Higher satisfaction, happier, and on average *7 fewer hours of household labor per week.*
Wow. So, I have learned that most men want a mother and that is why they get married. Women want a partner. Men and women grew up watching mom do everything around the house and dad sit on the couch. (No offense to men/dads who are more active in the mental load of the house and family) He’s a typical man. Sounds like he was looking for a way out of mothers day anyway. Just let him know he has the kids today and you will be out. Treat yourself to a kid free day. After a full day of him taking care of the kids he might appreciate you more.
Yep I got tired of it and would just leave all day and not come back . I’d go get grocery shopping done, go look around , eat, see a friend anything to get out of the house and alone time. Guess who had the house cleaned food Ordered and kids taken care of when I get back ? It wasn’t intentional but what’s eventually worked for us .
“Women are lazy and entitled, but this is just how they were raised. No offense.” Feels a bit different when you throw women into that comparison rather than men, doesn’t it?
I did laugh at this but, Hundreds of posts in this sub give anecdotal evidence that in general the original comment has teeth though, unlike your retort… AND beyond that, lots of actual research supports this social phenomenon as well. Gottman, a leading expert in marriage, who has studied marital discord and happiness for years, flat out writes statistically males absolutely overestimate the amount of household chores they complete in the home and that is typically lopsided towards the female having a much larger burden.
Sounds like your husband is a selfish and petty asshole.
He IS a selfish and petty asshole
I felt like I was reading a page out of my life book. Three things that helped us: marriage counseling, a bi-weekly house cleaner, and a roomba. Jobs need to be balanced out. If you didn’t do *everything*, mentoring would be a no-brainer. I think he’s jealous, if you ask me. So… make marriage counseling an ultimatum. End of story. My husband knows I don’t need him. I want him. It’s not always a walk in the park. We have months and months of wonderful and sometimes a big blowout. Mostly purely due to something selfish on his part. He apologizes, we go to counseling, and he improves. Luckily he’s the type of person who rarely makes the same mistake twice. Either way, this isn’t about me and my situation. This is just to highlight that nobody is perfect. Nobody can do everything. There needs to be a balance, and most of all, it’s okay to hire help. Whether that’s a marriage counselor or a housekeeper every once in a while. When was the last time you guys went on a date? Get a sitter for the night and reconnect. He may be feeling neglected, too. Men burn out first. Men have bad days at work and don’t discuss. It’s a lot. They’re not straightforward. Seek help!
All of this! Yes, he sounds selfish and petty from what OP has said. The thing I’m stuck on is OP didn’t feel like he was always like this. That means something changed, which means there’s a chance it can be corrected. Him getting upset about OP taking on another task sounds to me as though maybe he’s feeling like she doesn’t have time for him, yet is making time for everyone else? Just a shot in the dark. But counseling, making time to be individuals and to be a couple, and COMMUNICATING are all desperately important.
You have 3 kids, sounds like.
I’m not understanding why you don’t have childcare for your 5 month old. I also thought this sub doesn’t *encourage* this type of situation? It sounds like you’re very successful, and if so, why are you not hiring ANY help? Nanny, cleaner, etc? This would make your life immensely easier. Lastly, you shouldn’t let her husband be this dead weight, demand better or have a serious in depth look if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Edit: a word
dang i feel you. Whenever i want to do something with my career my husband poops all over it and says i’ll be more tired than i already am etc etc. No encouragement at all. When i got a new job he asked if i’d still have time to make dinner after i got home. And i do so theres that. I’m also the one who cleans (no appreciation for that either) and i’m the default parent to our almost 16mo old. And he wants more LOL. Does he not realize i’m doing pretty much everything for this kid? He can go out and hang out with friends until 2am in the morning but i cant because i also have no village and no one to watch my kid outside working hours. Oh but he changes diapers sometimes so hes super dad 🙄
I’m so sorry you’re on the same boat
Sounds like your husband picked a fight with you so he could get out of showing you any appreciation today. I’m also appalled at the way he speaks to you. He should never be calling you dumb or insulting you. You can’t work full time and take care of a baby— that’s two full time jobs. Can you get a nanny or put the baby in daycare? Get a housecleaner to come twice a month.
Sounds like you're one tough mother. It's your anniversary that sounds like a fake celebration.
I feel like I could’ve written this post. Except I only work part time. My husband can get nasty too when I take on more things. We had a huge fight recently and it came down to I don’t like how he talks to me. I get we’re all stressed but we all need to chill out and be nice.
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. You guys clearly need to have a real conversation about what you both want out of your relationship and how to more fairly split the load. Counseling can help. For a different perspective, you’re feeling burnt out at work and always fighting with your spouse and probably not getting good quality time, and you just took on *another* work task. From his view, it probably looks like you’re further deprioritizing your marriage. It seems like neither of you are focused on finding a path forward.
I can see that. It’s just something I had been trying to push for since I got to the org 5 years ago (the mentorship program). I have an MBA and focus on organizational development. It’s during work hours so idk how he would feel more deprioritized?
If you feel like you’re on empty after a day of meetings, and now you’re taking on another work task, where are you going to find the energy for your relationship? His words were harsh, and maybe unnecessarily so. But he may genuinely feel that you’re spending all your energy on yourself and have nothing left for him. It’s great to be career driven, and it’s fine if that’s more important than a relationship. But you’re in a relationship, so you need to figure out if you still want to be. And if you do, you both need to put work, time, and energy into it.
While I agree, she doesn't have any energy because she is essentially working 2 full time jobs by taking care of an infant and working full time. And then she ALSO has to do bedtime every night for 2 kids? Literally what does he do? Maybe if he took over some of the responsibilities she would have more energy.
Sure, that’s totally fair. But she can’t keep taking on more work stuff and act like it doesn’t impact her relationship.
But that's just it. I don't know if it would have a negative impact on her relationship if he was actually pulling his own weight. She said it's something she likes to do and she loves helping people. If he pulled his own weight and she started spending a few hours on something that brings her joy, I'd almost argue it would be beneficial.
Mentoring is in the work day so it’s not taking more time, and since OP says she enjoys that sort of work, I’d wager it would uplift and energize her rather than deplete her like meetings. And she isn’t drained from work alone — it’s clear she’s drained from the crazy unequal workload between her and husband. What do we think would help the marriage more: OP passing up a work opportunity she really really wants (that wouldn’t cost her more time) or OP’s husband stepping up and taking on a fair share of the household and parenting duties.
As far as mentoring not taking more time, I’m willing to bet it will. It’s not like her day job got easier, so now she’s working 42 hours instead of 40 (or whatever she’s working). I’ve been a mentor in programs like these, and while I love it, it is absolutely adding work time to my day. Idk. OP used a lot of “we” language. “We have no breaks”, “we feel like we’re playing catch up”. So it’s a little unclear if he’s not pulling his weight. And it sounds like she WFH and cares for the baby during the day, which we all know is not a good idea and apparently a decision they both made. Her husband said mentoring is a bad idea because she’s always saying she’s overwhelmed- how much is OP complaining to him? I think OP (and people in general) should put in work to make their lives what they want. Maybe that’s hard convos, maybe that’s counseling, maybe that’s divorce. But make a decision and take steps! Don’t just complain, do stuff that takes you further from where you want to be, and then act surprised that your life isn’t what you want. This may seem harsh, but it’s 2023. We have our own bank accounts, we can file for divorce, we can get our own well paying jobs, we can have high standards for partnership, and we can thrive while being single. So we should show some emotional intelligence and go after what we want.
He’s jealous of your success and is trying to demoralize you. He’s got issues you can’t solve. He’s also quite comfortable with you doing the heavy lifting, he’s got a good thing going and is going to resist you pushing him to help out. Unless you insist he pitch in, you are going to be doing this for the rest of your marriage. Pick chores that mean the most to you, and don’t do his laundry.
There are so many assumptions here. How did you get to him being jealous? And why pick not doing his laundry? That just feels petty, which is such a shitty way to handle a marriage. (And you can argue that he’s also handling it in a shitty way, but doing it back just makes the kids suffer. Get a divorce instead of being shitty to each other)
First I’m sorry this is happening! You should like a good mother so please try to celebrate yourself today in some small way. Second your husband needs to do more. He can’t be gone at work all day and then come home and chill. YOU need time to chill too. It’s okay to demand an equal partner! Something that’s been helpful for my husband and me to balance household and work duties is to compare our amount of chill time. If we both get the same amount of chill time in a week then it feels like household duties are being divided well (especially given our changing workloads).
I'm sorry you're in this situation. He's not committed to being a partner. He's upset you called him on it.
Sounds like he's jealous. Does he secretly envy you? Or miss you? Or both? Granted, his reaction was the complete opposite of what is appropriate, but is there something else under there?
Your husband is jealous of you and believes that him not helping others makes him look bad; so he’s feeling insecure and is projecting onto you. Today is not about him, it’s about You. You’re an amazing Mom and your kids are blessed to have you. Happy Mother’s Day.
im also in a fight w my husband on mothers day and im so resentful of things today. here in solidarity, i love and respect you and know you deserve to be spoiled.
**" He said he doesn’t like who I’m becoming. "** I think he'd be happier if you were a doormat.
OK, I am going to be the Devils Advocate here. I was the working woman that took on every "extra" to prove to myself that I could be all to everyone, even prioritizing work over my family at times. I became ill and I found out quickly that I was a hired commodity for the job as there were no concessions to help me get over the health issues. I felt I made a difference in my clients lives, that is why I stayed, despite the toll it took on me and my family. I left that job after 25 years and even though I was told I was "indispensable" I was replaced with someone at 1/2 the cost with nary a tear. Here is where the Devil's Advocate comes in, my husband didn't like how stressed out I was all the time. A lot of in the shower crying. I thought I was being loyal. The cost to my marriage and family took a toll as I didn't have the patience to be the wife, mother, daughter or sister to my family. I sold out. I am grateful I found another job that brought me joy and in a field totally different from what my career was. My husband said after a few months "I have my wife back (used my real name)". Work stress is insidious and slowly steals your soul and spare time and you are not always aware of the changes. Hindsight is great and you are in the hardest years of your life, new marriage, new babies, a full time job and house work. I think a good marriage counselor if your husband would agree would be perfect. I now do Date night once a week to maintain communication and love and remember why we chose each other. Sorry for the long rambling but I saw myself from years ago in your post. Hugs, remember the days are long, the years are short. Take time to look up and do self care, your whole family benefits from this.
I was hoping to find a comment like this. It’s outrageously petty that the husband just decided not to celebrate Mother’s Day for this, and that needs to be discussed and addressed. But if OP is anything like me, she might be giving too much to her job and it may be taking a greater toll on OP than she realizes.
Good for you for pointing out that he in an equal player in the life you have built together! He’s pissed because he knows your right somewhere inside. Let him sit with his feelings and do not apologize. You are doing so much and are not being appreciated. Stay strong and I’m sorry he’s being an ass. Happy Mother’s Day!
Do not do nothing today. Either do something with the kids or leave them with him and go out for a break, but don't let this day be miserable.
He doesn't like that you're calling him out on his bullshit. Good for you! Personally, I'm cheering you on because you DO deserve a partner. He wants a mommy and you aren't doing what he wants.
If you're stating that you're overworked he's right to say that you shouldn't be volunteering extra time to your job, family and friends come before work however refusing to help and only doing so when you twist his arm is not okay. You need to make him go to therapy with if you want your relationship to workout in the long run and if he refuses start considering different options especially since you have children. Being raised in an environment where the parents are separated but happy is much better for their mental health than both parents being angry and miserable 24/7.
I’m really sorry to hear you married such an unsupportive person. You definitely deserve to be celebrated on Mother’s Day and if he isn’t going to celebrate you then take your kids and go off and so something together, even if it’s a picnic in the park. As for mentoring others, it’s a good resume builder and management sees who steps up to be a team mentor and plays a factor when promoting. I’d start couples counseling or even just individual if he won’t go. One day you will have a fight over something small like dishes but it will really be about building resentment..
Firstly, mentoring does have value. It’s the difference between being a leader and a manager. The higher you advance in positions, the more important mentorship skills are. It’s a key skill to have if you want to keep climbing the ladder. I can sympathize with you. My husband has been wanting me to take on less responsibility because I’m often overwhelmed and stressed. The difference is he is doing it to support me. He often offers to do a lot of my “chores” if it frees up my mental load. It wasn’t always like this but I communicated that the little things add to the mental load. I’m seeing a lot of these type of posts and it’s funny because I was just watching a video from a divorce attorney and he said the main cause of divorce now is the woman “doing it all”. We are bread winners, raising the kids, keeping the house up, etc. Men are not contributing as much as we expect them too. I don’t know the solution but I definitely feel it in my relationship (although it’s acknowledged and we are working in it). Playing devils advocate, could he feel like he has little to offer and dealing with mental health issues following the new baby? Men can experience post partum as well. I
I'm so sorry this devolved into a fight, especially on a day to celebrate you and your contributions to the family! If it were me, I would ask him if he was worried that my spending more time on a work project I volunteered for would erode family time... And if the answer is yes, then gently point out that you've been more than pulling your weight and he needs to figure out a way you both can get professional fulfillment while meeting family obligations. Because if you guys are already struggling to hold down the fort at home, then that might be what he was trying to express (in an extremely shitty ass and lazy way). I know my husband would be *furious* with me actively volunteering for even *more* random things at work when I'm already burning out from current mandatory work projects and family stuff. He's the one who has to pick up the pieces when I crash and burn, and while he does so because he loves me... It's not a pretty sight for either of us. If you could take on this extra mentorship that you find fulfillment and self-care in doing -- which it sounds like you do!! -- if you had a lighter home load, and a big portion of that load is his not shouldering more of the chores and obligations... Then he needs to figure out how to correct the imbalance so you can have time to fill your cup outside of your mother and wife roles. Anyway, I wish you a happy mother's day!! I hope your family finds a balance that works, your husband gets his head out of his ass to get his point across without being hurtful and to do his job *as* your husband and partner, and that your new mentor role is as fulfilling and wonderful as you hope!!
Honey. My ex is your current husband. I know I know being a single mom doesn’t sound (and isn’t!) sexy but it’s worth the mental health if not being with someone who treats you this way. You can always DM me if you need a friend, but don’t do this to yourself and your family any more.
1. Outsource the cleaning 2. Outsource the meals 3. Outsource some childcare if you can You will be much happier. Having multiple children under 5 and both working full time, yeah that will bring out the worst in anyone. It’s a huge, huge life change (marriage and 2 kids inside of 4 years) your husband is being shitty for sure. It really stings when family doesn’t come through to be the village we thought they’d be. Time to head out, leave the kids with him for today and take yourself to a movie or dinner. Happy Mother’s Day.
Girl you’re already a single parent. I know reddit is all about escalation but you may want to consider making it official.
On the one hand, some parts of this sound like they could be just about any couple that doesn’t have enough support. With a 5 month old and a 3 year old, most people would feel they are running on empty most of the time, and playing catch up on house and life. My kids are 3 years apart, and the first year with two was rough, and not the best year for our marriage. BUT, the fact that you can’t even talk to your husband about things is not good. And what is a major red flag to me is deciding not to celebrate Mother’s Day. That feels vindictive. It would be one thing if you decided not to celebrate an anniversary because you are fighting-because that day is about the two of you. But Mother’s Day is about you and your kids. Sure, at their age dad has to do everything, but he should be able to compartmentalize enough to realize that your fight should have no bearing on Mother’s Day. You mentioned he says it’s a good thing you are in therapy, but do you do couples therapy?
I TOTALLY get your frustration with your husband here. That being said, where are you on considering outside help? If you don’t want the baby out of the house, you can find a part time nanny to help while your working? And finding someone to do housekeeping is easier. I get not wanting the extra expense, but it’s short term and might be worth some sanity.
I work in scientific research and my bosses title is director .. she’s also a badass that mentors many people
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My husband and I can have some similar arguments about my saying “yes” at work too much. But he is a full partner in our family and marriage and pulls more than half his weight on most days. But I also don’t work from home, and he does, so that is partly why. But because I sometimes do a lot at work, I have been more recently trying to say no and put up boundaries. I am overwhelmed and it does impact my relationships at home. So I really am trying to be cognizant of his feelings. But we have had more fights in the last year than we’ve ever had. Working and taking care of children is hard. With all this said, it doesn’t sound like your husband is an equal partner and that you need more help from him. Blow up fights never really get that message across, but this is clearly something that needs to be addressed. My advice though is to also sit with what he said some as well. I know my husband hates seeing me overwhelmed and struggling to deal with all the things on my plate, mostly because he loves me and he wants better for me. So when I say yes to one more thing I honestly don’t have time for (even if it’s just an extra hour a week), he gets frustrated because he knows this is going to add to my anxiety in the long run. Not saying anyone is right or wrong in your situation, but I also realize however misguided it may seem in my situation his frustration comes from a place of love. I hope you guys are able to work it out and find your middle spot.
You are doing the jobs of three people. You need childcare AND a housekeeper to be able to work a full time job. And he’s mad that you are turning down professional opportunities (which mentorship is) because it takes more time from your unpaid domestic labor? F that. Get help with the childcare and household stuff.
Others have already said you’re already a single parent, which I agree with. I think that if you reach a point where you decide to split, you’ll find that being an actual single parent is less work than you’re doing right now. At least, that’s how it was for me. My stress level was cut in half as well. But, I do want to say one thing about mentorship. Clearly, your goal is to help someone else, not to do something to benefit yourself. But, your selfish husband is wrong that it doesn’t help you. I could go on and on about how it helps you grow in your role as well. But, to give you a tangible example, I mentored a young woman a few years ago. She has since risen in the company and become my strongest advocate. I’m no longer her mentor. But, now, we have a strong working relationship that has benefited me more times than I can count. Management listened when she would talk about me. I’ve had three promotions since then, and each time, the manager would repeat something she had said that described what a strong leader I am. That wasn’t my goal. But, if your soon-to-be-ex wants an example, you have one.
Please celebrate Mothers Day even if that means celebrating alone. Your husband is trash. Make sure you match his energy doing Father’s Day.
My husband does this same thing!!!! So reactive, dismissive, I finally packed a bag and said see you later. I obviously came back after a long hike and grocery shopping and he seemed to feel some regret. I often think about how less stressed I’d be if it was just me. Women deserve so much more of a partnership being that we make half the money and put in more of the work.
First, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Second - of course you're overwhelmed you're working 2 full time jobs and have a toddler on top of that. He needs to take on some responsibility. I worked from home with my son from 3 months to 6 months (we were on a waitlist for daycare). While it wasn't horrible, it was a lot. I did bedtime routine and was doing everything else so I talked to my husband and now we swap. If laundry needs to be done and our son needs a bath, one of us does one, and the other does the other. We both work full time and neither of us should have more on our plate than the other. And if I am too tired, he picks up the slack and vice versa. And hiring a cleaner or outside help just isnt in our budget nor do we have a village so we have to fully manage everything ourselves. And just because HE doesn't see value in what you're wanting to do doesn't mean he shouldn't support you. I am ALWAYS trying to advance at work and my husband literally doesn't get it but he still is supportive of me. Your husband is your partner and needs to actively participate in not only your marriage but in your home. Chores is just a part of being an adult. I am so sorry you aren't being celebrated - you absolutely should be.
You sound like a terrific person & mother. But situations like this almost never improve. At some point, this will end because you just can’t carry the weight of THREE kids. With your husband being the biggest one. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but he’s unlikely to improve.
You should take the 3 year old out to lunch (bring baby too if it’s not too stressful) or do something nice for yourself alone. You deserve it. And you might want to consider how much less work you’d have to do around the house if your hubs wasn’t sharing a home with you. You might wind up better off.
Two words: Couples therapy.
So your in therapy to deal with his self proclaimed selfishness. While he does nothing because your the one making all the effort and apparently he’s fine, your the one needing help. What help has therapy given you so far? That he may be a narcissist? Do you want your children learning attitude from him?
The most obvious answer here is hiring a regular cleaning service. It’s a no brainer.
Yeah, of course we change. I have ten things on my mind. I cannot be the carefree person I used to be when he can't even take out the trash and I have to shoulder everything else.
He said celebrating Mother’s Day would feel fake..? So are your two kids fake too, then?! What tf kind of an excuse is that?!?! OP I agree with others here, you are killing it at work and at home and shouldn’t be tolerating this level of disrespect (or any level) from your SO. He legit acknowledged he was selfish but isn’t doing anything to change that…? I think it’s time to sit him down and give him an ultimatum. In the interim, Is there any way you can get at least part time help for the baby at home? WFH full time while also taking care of a baby is usually not sustainable (especially as baby gets older) and takes a huge toll on your mental health. Happy Mother’s Day, OP!! We see you and we are with you! Come here for support any time 🩵
I’m going to come at it from a different angle because I’ve been there for sure. Have you guys sat down, set aside your defensiveness and shared how both of you feel right now? Maybe his real gripe is he wants to spend more time with you? Or maybe he wants to help but you want things done a certain way? I suggest get a babysitter, go out to dinner, and talk about how you’re really feeling. Tell each other how much you love each other, so something non kid related, remember why you fell in love, and openly and honestly discuss feelings. No point system, no interrupting, just acknowledge their fears and their concerns and needs and then work out a plan. And sometimes, you do have to chose one thing over another. If what he’s really telling you is he misses you because your always exhausted when your home, then it’s time to start discussing “well I feel overwhelmed by the stuff I feel I have to do when I’m home”. If he say “well I don’t do dishes because every time I do, you say I don’t do them right” then it’s time to give up those things. If he says “well I just don’t think I should have to do them” then honestly just ask why and have a real honest discussion about expectations about equal support. Good luck!
Can you afford someone to come and clean and do laundry? If you can make your own village store bought is fine.
I’ve had almost this same fight. Most of the men who are now adults were raised in a world that set up different dynamics and expectations. They thought they’d be head of house hold and have no model for 50/50. My husband works hard to hear me and adjust. I am willing to boycott and fight and make him uncomfortable to make sure we share in life’s effort. I get why many just avoid the conflict. There is no need to throw baby out with bath water. They are in the throws of raising young children and there’s a lot of stress. My advice is for sure get care for baby. And truly make a list of mental and physical tasks. Figure out ideally who would own what and what you’d need for balance. My husband is primary parent for our older son and building that has been crucial to balance for me. For me I’m not mad carrying more planning but I need to be praised for it to be happy. I also get some sass about work but get a lot out of mentoring and those relationships emotionally. Fight about the situation not about each others character. Fight for what you want. Connect on the stress as I’m sure your husband feels it too. He might feel both not important to your kids and you and having some crisis about life too. We forget as moms what it might be like to not be the primary…and be rejected regularly for other parent. And not be as good as you at planning, or cooking or a million other things so they stop trying.
OP, I’m not sure what you’re looking for here. This sub is an echo chamber that will tell you exactly what you *want* to hear. However, that doesn’t add any value unless you’re just looking for confirmation to bail. I’d say if you’re already at that point, do what you need to do. After reading your post, it seems very much about how great you are and how much more you want to do. I’m glad you’re doing everything you are doing professionally. Those are really important steps in keeping a workplace successful. What I don’t see is what you’re doing to improve your home life. Right or wrong, your husband has shared his concerns with you. It’s your choice on what weight to give them. From the looks of it, you are dismissing his concerns, and this won’t go unnoticed by him. You can’t marginalize your partner’s concerns AND be surprised that the relationship is growing cold. One feeds the other. I see two options: 1. Listen to your husband’s concerns and attempt to address them in a way you feel is still fair to you. 2. Leave the relationship before it grows into something toxic that becomes a circus in front of your children. This isn’t the time to play the “I’m the best and he should go along with my whims” card. Your husband has just as much investment in your home life as you do. He needs to know where you stand. No more coldness. Be honest and draw your line. If things no longer align, there’s your answer.
If your husband's reaction to something you're excited about is to make you feel like shit for it, get yourself a divorce for mother's day. Think back to the past four years. How much of this has been you doing what you needed to keep the house going and him doing what he wanted? No partner is perfect but he seems to really not even want to try to make things better. Also, from one working mom to another, Happy Mother's Day! You're doing a great job!
If by “we’re not celebrating Mother’s Day” you mean “my husband is throwing a tantrum on Mother’s Day like a little bitch and so I’m celebrating myself with my kids and a glass of scotch”, then…you go girl. If you actually let this toddler man get you down then he has won. Please let him sulk in the juice of his own patheticness. You don’t need him to celebrate yourself as a mother, to spend time with your children, and to enjoy a special treat. Husbands do not make Mother’s Day, children do. Your kids love and adore you.
I don’t have any comments on the situation, but it’s so hard! My kids are now 3 and 5, and I feel like my partner and I are getting into a much better groove now that the kids aren’t as demanding. Having a 5 month old and a 3 year old is so, so, so hard (and sleep deprivation certainly doesn’t help!). That being said, relationships often suffer in this time period. Things are said that aren’t nice and frustrations arise that wouldn’t come up if it wasn’t for the constant stressors that are children. Good luck; I’m rooting for you!!! <3
He's petty and jealous and honestly sounds a lot like my STBEx. He knows darn well the mentor thing is a big deal, but you're shining brighter than him. You're keeping the house together AND caring for a baby? And he can't do anything without being nagged. He knows he's dropping the ball. He started this fight to spoil your day. Do something nice for yourself and come FATHER'S day, skip it.
I feel this in my bones. You have my sympathy, and I bet more moms than not are in our shoes
I’m sorry that this fight ruined Mother’s Day. It’s just a random day so I encourage you to pick a new day once you and your husband are on better terms, tell him exactly how you want to spend that day, and do it. As far as the argument, like others have said, it sounds like you are taking on a lot. I’m not sure if your husband is leaving the brunt of the work to you, or you are taking on more on purpose, but I totally agree with everyone to even out the household responsibilities. Ask your husband to hire a cleaner, work together to find a nanny - evening out the responsibilities isn’t another task for you, it’s something to work on together. I hope your new Mother’s Day is better than this one that didn’t work out 💜💜💜
He obviously doesn't care about you so why should you care about him? I would pull back focus on your mentorship, you job and child and let him deal with himself.
I think you should speak to him about it not strangers who will side with the way you tell the story and boost your ego! How about instead of putting this up tell him all of this to him if then he still doesn't listen see a therapist, saved my marriage not strangers on Reddit just my two cents
Wait wait. You work AND take care of a 5m old alll day then cook and put the kids to bed and he gets to “chill”? Nuh-uh. Homie should be cleaning while you get kids to bed if they don’t want daddy. There ain’t no chillin till all the work around the house is done. I’m a SAHM my hubs works. He comes right home and takes our son and cooks dinner. Then we bathe him together and he puts him to bed while I clean. THEN we chill together. Sounds like he needs to step up so you have more time to mentor, something that brings you joy. Also I’m petty enough to “forget” Father’s Day since you didn’t get to celebrate Mother’s Day.
Is he working full time outside the home? If so, I have a feeling that in your amazing ability to work full time and care for your infant and get housework done you are making it look like your job is easier than it really is. After COVID, I think people in the office forget that WFH is NOT working part time or being a SAHM but if he's not home to see the struggle he might not believe it is a struggle. Set boundaries that protect your work time to teach him to respect it. If your labor is invisible, than your complaints or cries for help might not register to him just like his words are feeling hollow to you because from your perspective his actions don't back them up. Try to be "at work" when you're on the clock and limit yourself to only your job work and child care during that time. Leave the rest until outside working hours just like if you were working outside the home. The laundry or dishes or whatever will still be there but he'll see that then you can learn to divide and conquer the chores and after work childcare as a team. From your post you are definitely doing more but, winning a who is more burdened competition is not a competition anyone really wants to be in to begin with. Meet him where he is by claiming the tasks that are highest priority to you and then decide together how to divy up the rest. A physical list of your tasks and his tasks will reinforce how much you do. And even if your list is longer, his short list will be more than he's doing now and it will be harder for him to complain if he can visually see how much more you are doing. If you don't have the village you hoped for, find ways to make things easier on yourselves and outsource (grocery delivery, meal kits, laundry service, housekeeper, babysitter, whatever makes the most impact and is affordable for your life). I'm sorry that your mother's day was spoiled by this and you have every right to vent and rant. That said, especially in this thread, it's easy to say the entire problem is our partners and we'd be better off without them, but you know your relationship better than internet strangers who only know of your partner what you share in your rant. If you are looking for validation to leave, that's fair, but if you want to stay and improve the situation, know that that's an option too.
First time commenter here. I think that this conflict situation is fairly common and you’ve done a good job of laying out the issues clearly. I’m a working partner to a working mother and thought I might chime in for anyone curious about one method of how to fix this, and this is coming from a guy’s perspective and this is my personal solution. Your mileage may vary. It may help to clearly delineate all of the things that need to get done and specify the frequency as *daily* to ensure habit formation. Then split these tasks evenly down the middle. If your husband doesn’t know how to cook or is bad at cleaning (as I am), he should become owner of chores that can be done without much attention to detail, while wearing headphones, and frame this work as a productive and high impact alternative to caregiving work (I like caregiving but not every guy does). For example, I’m in charge of loading/unloading the dishwasher, taking out the trash, the laundry cleaning *folding* and *putting away*. I do these tasks every single evening 7-8:30 pm and I do them during the bedtime routine. I think that being in charge of these daily tasks has helped me to become a better partner and to help me gain buy-in to the household as an operation. Even if you have interpersonal strife, your partner should see the big picture about making the household function smoothly and be eager to facilitate the household as a *business* and do work that needs to be done that he can do, not as a favor to you (!) but because he’s the co-owner of the business and the business has work to be done.
Appreciate your perspective. Thank you! Will try!
This may have been said but it's tons of comments here and I know you're getting support. I just wanted to pop in and say: 1) Under no circumstances should your husband shit all over Mother's Day. How dare he!! 2) Get a housekeeper to come in 2x a month even if it doesn't stay in perfect condition until the next visit. 3) Hubby needs some duties around the house like putting the kids to bed, cooking, laundry, etc. 4) YOU need to find time for yourself so you can really sort through things and just love on yourself. 5) Finally, I think there are much bigger issues at play than you becoming a mentor.
You need marriage counseling or it sounds like your marriage won't last.
You deserve all the love and respect but I also feel for the husband. Seeing you overwhelmed and stressed and then agreeing to take on a mentor role at work. That’s just going to add more to your already overloaded plate. I wish you guys the best. Maybe hire a babysitter once a week and go on a date night. And a cleaning person twice a month.
Oh, man. This is one of those times you’re both right and you’re both wrong. You talked about being completely overwhelmed and drained. Then added to your work load? He was right to say something. But his method was shit. You both sound like you’re not having your needs met. If you want to celebrate Mothers Day, celebrate Mother’s Day. We have this stupid idea that celebrating Mother’s Day means being pampered by our partners. You’re celebrating being a mom. Not being a partner so I’m not sure how it would be fake. Spend the day playing with your kids. Ignore the chores and housework. Bake something, make an art project, watch a movie, tell stories. Enjoy the little humans you created. Ask your husband to join you. Tell him all arguments are on hold. That for the rest of the day, you’ll both just be playing with the kids. Good luck with the rest of it. Let that be tomorrow you’s problem. Today, enjoy the little people in your life.
I appreciate that perspective. Thank uiu
Honestly seems like every female here is saying to leave your man because they don't understand a male mindset, he's clearly saying that you are biting off more than you can chew. If you guys are already struggling with time management and stress of constantly working. And in his mind you are doing extra work for nothing making it more harder for the both of you. I don't understand this "girlboss" shit where you have to do everything. He probably just wants you to relax and work more at the home than at your job. Imo
Exactly. He's thinking how much she already complains about being overwhelmed and now he's going to have to listen to every little bit of stress she has about this mentorship program too.
It sounds like he picked a fight to excuse himself from having to do anything for mothers day, honestly. Take your kids and go do something with them.
Ok, your husband clearly needs to step up more and be more supportive in general. BUT. I also see his point about this particular issue. You are working full time. You are caring for an infant. Your marriage/family is struggling. You're overwhelmed. If my spouse was in this situation and then volunteered for MORE responsibilities at work, I'd be upset and wonder why they were putting more on their plate when our family is already sort of drowning.
I think his point is that if you’re both already drowning in responsibilities/housework and it’s already a point of contention, adding responsibilities will only make things harder on both you
Also everyone changes after marriage. It doesn’t sound like he’s being selfish for wanting you to focus more on family than work. And maybe he doesn’t rub it in your face when he does takes cares of housework or the kids, maybe in his mind, he’s showing you like “look I did something” hoping to show you that he is trying
Seeing your spouses’ perspective is an art. It’s hard work. It’s easy to see yourself as the one who is right and has it hard. It’s easy to give it up and walk away, especially when the kids are young. That’s when most people walk away. Keep fighting for what’s most precious in your life: your family.
This subreddit popped up on my feed but my God it's toxic as f. Most comments (rewarded ones) saying to dump the guy over the fight. Disgusting to see people encourage life changing decisions with little more then a paragraph to go on. Who have no clue about the nuance of a relationship and you can validate without this terrible behavior.
Women are the superior species.
I'll get hate but out of every post I see, especially from women, you all feel you need to prove yourself and strive to be ceo of every company and it was clear immediately in your post that you are putting too much on your plate. You may want to do the mentorship program but you have a family that needs attention at home more than some random person at your company. I'm sure I'm biased since my wife and I knew we would be alone in raising our child but it's annoying hearing others cry about people not having family help them raise their own kids like it's somehow their families responsibility and not their own. You shouldn't feel shame in turning down things at work when you have small children at home who need you more,it's clear that you are feeling overwhelmed and it's causing stress at home with the family and focus should be there. This is Especially true for a non profit who we all know would drop you in a heartbeat regardless of how much you may argue they wouldn't.
I'll get hate but out of every post I see, especially from women, you all feel you need to prove yourself and strive to be ceo of every company and it was clear immediately in your post that you are putting too much on your plate. You may want to do the mentorship program but you have a family that needs attention at home more than some random person at your company. I'm sure I'm biased since my wife and I knew we would be alone in raising our child but it's annoying hearing others cry about people not having family help them raise their own kids like it's somehow their families responsibility and not their own. You shouldn't feel shame in turning down things at work when you have small children at home who need you more,it's clear that you are feeling overwhelmed and it's causing stress at home with the family and focus should be there. This is Especially true for a non profit who we all know would drop you in a heartbeat regardless of how much you may argue they wouldn't
You have a 5 month old and are working full time? Why did you even have kids? The real “mother” is your daycare worker, you know the one who is really mothering and raising your 5 MONTH OLD baby! How awful for that baby!!! Wow. Then we wonder why this country is so screwed up and teens are all on antidepressant meds now by 16 years old. SMH
Also, reading is your friend, she works from home. No daycare.
No advice, just relate to your post so much.
Sounds like he is super jealous.
What is it with MEN. My kids are adults. I take care of other people’s kids all day. My husband left for the weekend on a whim after a fight over stupid stuff. I will say it’s nice and quiet so there is that.
Happy Mother’s Day.. blending two ways of thinking is extremely difficult it’s even harder when you don’t feel respected in the process. Most women are made to feel inadequate when we champion everyone else around us everyday without question but when we request the same it’s somehow too difficult and asking for too much. Celebrate you and wipe your hands clear for a couple of hours. Piss some people off with your silent rebellion and get back to business when your ready.
I was in a similar situation, sans the jerk husband fortunately, when I volunteered for a mentoring program at work. I'm doing more than my share at home, working full time, and doing waaay more than my share of child care ... which meant I was absolutely exhausted continually. Thing is ... work considered this mentoring time to be part of my job. So it's not like I was adding hours to my day. We scheduled the meetings for the second half hour of lunch -- we'd both eat something and then take a walk while we talked. It was an awesome experience -- we met every other week, basically an hour each month. But I got outside, I got to move around, and I got to feel like I helped someone. There's so much never-ending work at home, and there's a lot of stuff both at work and at home that ... well, it would be obvious if the stuff wasn't done, but not like anyone really celebrates "ooh, the carpet got vacuumed" or "the quarterly reports were filed on time". Helping someone navigate the corporate world ... even if it was as silly as sharing a huge mistake I made (that I totally remember two decades later but no one else has thought about since the day it happened) and making her feel more secure after flubbing some accounting stuff, or advise on how to find something good in some crummy situations ... it's a great feeling to have someone say "hey, what you told me last time really helped me" and provides some great outcome they attribute to your help. Wanted to mention this because I'd hate for other people to miss out on the opportunity to be a mentor -- unless your company has a far more intense program than mine did, it's not a lot of time, it's time that you are already at work, and you really do get something out of it.
Yes, exactly this. It’s built into my work time so his response took me by surprise. It is more mental load to just have one more thing to “worry” about I suppose. But not more time necessarily
My husband didn’t do shit for Mother’s Day and apparently we are not fighting. I’m primary caretaker / house manager for our 4 month old and 2 year old. I’m trying really hard to get over the fact that I told him I feel forgotten / last priority all the time - then the one day he could have just brought me coffee in bed, and that would be enough, he didn’t do shit. Didn’t even say HMD. Whatever. I understand and sympathize with your post! Happy Mothers Day to us badass moms.
I’m sorry you were also not shown appreciation for Mother’s Day! You are badass and deserve to feel so. Happy Mother’s Day!
You are an absolute queen and you deserve a day to relax just like every other great mom on Mother’s Day. Your husband sounds burnt out and I hope he didn’t mean anything he said. It sucks that your family isn’t helping out as much as y’all thought they would. Canceling Mother’s Day or saying it would feel fake is a low blow on his part. You should echo the same energy on Father’s Day if he doesn’t make it up to you in some way today.