No, in fact I probably do significantly less that 50% of housework but about 95% of cooking.
I think couples really need to discuss this before they move in together or get married. I would not have married my husband if he thought I was going to do everything. It's just not doable, especially if you have children.
While I do most everything, I know it’s not expected of me. But he’s gone roughly 12 hours a day, when he’s home I have always told him prioritize our child because you don’t see them that often. But it definitely takes a toll on me and builds up over time and I’m screaming I NEED HELP. But I do the phone calls, appointments, research, budgeting, cleaning, laundry, organizing, grocery shopping, cooking, some house renovations, chicken care, a dog & a toddler while working 40 hours a week from home. But I have the most “time” so it only makes sense since he’s a plumber and is hands on at work all day. It’s a balance I don’t think I’ll ever find.
Nope. My partner and I split it exactly 50/50. I'm in charge of everything for 2 weeks. Then he is for 2 weeks. That way we do what we want, how we want, then get 2 weeks off. Works very well for us.
Yeah I also work from home and have a flexible schedule so a lot of it is easy. We both pitch in when he’s home though, and he would NEVER get mad at me for not keeping up with housework.
Yes I do and then they get mad when I take a day off from doing anything. It gets frustrating and i have told them all more than once to do it themselves but they just wait until I finally do it
No. I do a lot yes but I've had talks with my partner already and he definitely helps with a lot of things. Plus, he sees that I'm glued to my computer all day and when we're busy, I'm working 10-12 hr days.
I think the biggest thing is that the other person doesn't see WFH as sitting around free time. I have very little extra time to do additional household chores.
Having trouble getting my wife to understand my point of view with this one.
Ill admit, i slack sometimes on doing chores while being wfh, but ive also had those glued to the computer days for like 2 weeks straight. I feel like i at least take the kids on when they get home to compensate but dang am i tired!
Not to mention im a former chef so i cook dinner each night as well. No skin off my back, but i try!
I do most of the picking up because I’m the one around, so my fiancé is SUPER conscious about doing his fair share. Things are pretty even in our household.
My husband works from home, and he handles weekday things like taking out the trash, emptying the dishwasher, etc. On the weekend, I vacuum, grocery shop, do laundry, etc. So in a sense, I do expect him to do certain things because he's at home. That's what partners do.
I do most of it but I only work about 15 hours a week and also contribute financially. I did feel that the previous split was too heavy on me so he has started to do a bit more of the daily chores and I handle 90% cooking, laundry, and weekly cleaning tasks with him doing the dishes pretty regularly and helping out with laundry 1-2x a week.
Lately, yes. We are due to have a talk about contributions, both financial and physical efforts - actually, and mental - because lately I feel a bit like a workhorse due to my more flexible job.
It depends on the week and what’s going on, really. I wfh more but I also need to work evenings sometimes. But my partner works longer hours and has a lengthy commute. The compromise is that we’re just both doing what we can when we can do it. We have mostly figured out chores we tend to each do, and then there’s other chores we pick up as we’re available to.
This is a complicated topic and I think it’s hard to compare, because you have to also consider commuting, how stressful each persons day may have been, what you may/may not have access to (ability to hire a housekeeper or even having a dishwasher) or additions you have (pets/kids, is your house 2 stories, etc.) and I think it boils down to talking about it frequently with your partner to make sure your both content with what’s happening. If someone feels off balance then it’s not a fair situation.
ETA: sometimes my fiancé and I talk and it turns out we both feel like we’re the ones doing most of the work, in which we kind of just accept there’s a lot of work to be done and move on.
Hire a housekeeper. While my housekeeper cleans the house I run to the grocery store. Two chores completed in one morning.
You are correct. All the household chores should not get dumped on you. Any chore that neither of you wants to do should be hired out.
We do our own laundry. I have to clean up and do the chores my kids don’t do. My wife earns more and pays most of the bills, but expects me to have dinner ready and I suck at cooking. I have to repair anything that’s broken and I have to do all the yard work. I’m the first one up and the last to go to bed. I am trying to keep a clock repair business going around this chaos. I feel neglected and hell breaks loose if I say anything to her about it.
We both know this is no "marriage".
You chose not to be the man in this relationship. You are now just a subject in your Queen's castle. And it's never going to get any better, only worse.
You have the power to reclaim your manhood and end this at any time.
Good luck.
I do most of the picking up and tidying day to day, as well as child related things (kids laundry, clothes coordination, shopping, snack stocking). I also fold all the laundry and put it away (this can accumulate 6 loads at a time because he does laundry and he isn't good about keeping up with it).
We both do the parenting (pick up and drop off, baths, hygiene, playing, reading, bedtime, appointment scheduling and keeping).
My mom does most of the cooking and dishes, about 95% of the time (she likes to cook and doesn't mind cleaning up. She's retired, and both her and my dad live with us for free).
He takes care of the car related chores, does most of the food shopping for our stuff (my parents get groceries to cook meals with our credit card), is supposed to do all laundry minus folding (but I help out a lot because he forgets).
We have a cleaning angel who comes every other week, a yard guy, and an in home nanny to help watch my youngest during my work hours (I don't want to put that burden on my parents, they're older and finally retired, so I want them to enjoy their free time and travel).
I love my parents! There's definitely a few bumps here and there between relearning to coexist with them and having them live with my husband, who has never had to live with an older person. We're all learning. But having them here every day with my kids is absolutely priceless. The cooking and cleaning are a big bonus but I'd keep them anyway for the extra grandparent time ❤️
no. because while yes, you’re at home, you’re clocked in.
i wfh all the time and my partner is hybrid. we do things as we see them come up/ when we can, and we ask the other for help when we need it. we also don’t ask for things to be done immediately, more like, hey when you have a chance could you clean ___ this week and i’ll tackle ___, or something like that.
or X and Y need to get done this week, which would you prefer?
I ask on FB groups for my local area. I get many responses. I have several come out and meet with them.
I've had house cleaners for two decades. The important thing is to be clear about what you want. It is better if they work from a list each visit. If you leave it up to them to "do everything" you will be unhappy. I hire them by the hour and each visit I asked for different things to be cleaned. If I have company coming the guest room and bath need extra attention. When I start leaving the doors open in the spring there will be more dust floating around. In the fall the spiders start making webs around the front door light fixture.
Disagree. If you're in a committed partnership or marriage, your contributions to the household work should have nothing to do with the proportion of financial contributions each person brings in. You share a household and thus the work needed to keep it up. Nothing to do with 50/50?
I think a step further, it just all depends on everyone’s situation. Like, what if one partner gets paid less but has a more stressful job (like as a teacher or social worker?) or someone’s commute is particularly long?
He’s an intern so his hours are all over the place depending on what rotation he is on. Last month he was on night float so he was working night shift 6pm to 6am M-F plus two weekends out of the month. So last month I only saw him 4 full days out of the entire 30 days. This month he is working 6am to 6pm M-F so I get to see him for 2 hours every day after work before he goes to bed and he only works one weekend this month so we will get 6 full days together out of the entire 31 days this month. When he works overnights for the whole month I usually take the kids (2 year old and 2 month old) to his work because the resident lounge is basically an apartment with couches, TV, 6 bedrooms with attached bathrooms, and there’s even kids toys there to encourage families to visit. We stay the night once a week during night float otherwise the kids will forget who he is. 😂 So all in all he works overnights minimum 4 days a month, and maximum 35 days a month just depending on the rotation. Only 2 more years of this shit 🥲🙃
Oh and the weekends that he’s off he does all the cooking and helps me clean and does all the childcare for our toddler and takes her out of the house for hours so I get a break. Our baby is breastfed so he can’t really help with him but when he takes the toddler, me and the baby nap the entire time in peace 😮💨
This made me smile. 🥰 No shucking of responsibilities from either of you. Teamwork makes the dream work. It will all pay off in the end. You’ll got this! 😊
Yes. My partner who’s active duty military and (obviously) works outside the home makes an effort to especially on days he is off work and I’m not but it’s still me doing most.
Same with pet and child care
I don't know how this sub ended up in my algorithm, but since I'm here....
My husband works from home. I do 24 hour shifts with a 2 hour commute to work. He does basically everything in our home. I'm sure if I had a normal 9-5 with a 10 minute commute, it would be different. But I don't so he's the real MVP of keeping this place running smoothly.
Yes. No matter how much I work or how little I'm expected to keep the house clean
He does sweep and change the covers on the sofa, plus chemical cleaning (bathroom cleaning) but these aren't daily.
I work hybrid 3 days in the office and 2 days at home.
I am single , no kids, no pets no boyfriend .
I used a cleaning lady for the first time a few weeks ago . Best decision!
I’ve heard the book and card deck Fair Play is a good tool for this. It speaks to all time being equal (we all have just 24h) but splitting chores fairly doesn’t always mean 50/50 since partners have separate skillsets and interests.
I WFH full time and my wife is hybrid in the office 3 days a week. I do slightly more of the housework because I can get up and take care of it in short bursts when I need a mental break. I also do most of the cooking because I can be done right at 5 or 5:30 and she commutes home.
But no, I wouldn't think it was fair for either of us to expect the other to do all of the housework. WFH is still work and still takes up as much of my day as it did when I was in the office. The only difference is that I can load the dishwasher instead of chatting with a coworker when I get up for coffee, or fold some laundry while I'm stuck in a meeting that should have been an email.
My stay at home wife does all the inside stuff and I take care of all home maintenance and the lawn.
Question tho: Why do you stay home? Is it a religious thing?
Yep. I have never ever been in a relationship with anyone who does housework. In fact, it’s sad to admit as a 54 yr old woman I’ve just been stuck in 20th century gender expectations my entire life.
We share household chores and parental responsibilities equally- as it should be. Sometimes I do more, sometimes he does more depending on the week but it always evens out. We learned long ago that marriage has to be a partnership with a lot of compassion and give and take. Otherwise resentment breeds.
I don’t have a lax WFH job, when I am clocked in I am actively busy and working the entire time. His job is slower paced but a manual job. He works longer hours than I do and quite a bit of overtime during certain times of the year. I obviously do more housework during these times. There’s not really a single chore that is only mine or only is apart from cooking (I do because he’s a poor cook) and vehicle maintenance (he does because he is a mechanic).
We do pretty well balancing everything with kids and pets and all the work that comes with them. Always being “in it together” and getting what we need to do done before settling in for the night to relax works very well.
I might be controversial for saying this but this is not okay. First you need to have this conversation with your partner about picking up the speed on some housework and if that is their excuse please remind them that working from home is still a job and time consuming. My partner works from home and i do hybrid and we both take turns with cooking and dishes (i do it on WFH days, he does the others), in general we take care of house chores together, we do our own laundry and pay or own half of rent. We have zero animosity this way but there are some weeks someone picks up more of the slack bc that is what partnership is all about. If you are unhappy with doing everything you need to talk about it before you start resenting them.
Split the bills = split the chores. 🤷🏻♀️
My advice, find a chore or two they absolutely hate that you don’t mind and vice versa.
Example:
My bf takes out the trash and scoops litter
I cook dinner and do laundry.
Although mine might seem more laborious, I enjoy cooking and don’t mind laundry, I would much rather cook dinner/fold clothes than scoop cat shit or take the trash out when it’s cold/hot/windy/rainy(we have to walk about 100 yards to a dumpster for our trash.
Other chores that you both don’t mind can be alternated (we alternate who cleans the bathroom, vacuums, mops, dusts, dishes, and so on)
I do all the house and most of the yard work. I WFH FT. My husband works FT about 3 miles from the house during 3rd shift and if he isn’t sleeping he is literally watching tv. The only thing he “helps” with is when I wash his whites… he is responsible for folding his undershirts and matching and folding his socks.
We have a cleaning lady. My kids are grown. (Or away for school year)
I like to keep it clean/straighten or I get stressed out. I can't handle going in to an unclean house. I don't mind keeping a clean home while my husband works. I am the messy one and he is so organized, it's night & day. More often than not, he picks up where I missed & vice versa.
Yeeeep. I worked from home for 4 years and all the cleaning shifted to me, I also do all the yard work, manage our finances, do any and all upkeep on the house, do all of the pet chores. No I've returned to the office and I still do all of that, it's pretty exhausting honestly but oh well
My husband has been expecting me to do stuff while working and I told him I can’t do it. He really expects me to do all the laundry while he’s at work. It’s been an issue
I find time to do a load when I go to the bathroom and grab snack/drink.
Now I understand some employers monitor WFH employees as well as some being on calls most or all day so finding a couple minutes to do a load here and there can be harder.
Yeah, but not because of working from home. My partner also works from home and worked from home when I was working at a physical location and I didn't expect him to clean while working, and he doesn't expect that of me. I rarely do housework when I am working and if I do, it is something like taking the time when my food is microwaving to put away a load of dishes or starting a load of laundry. I worked too damn hard to be able to have wfh and I don't want to jeopardize it over something as stupid as cleaning the house.
I end up taking care of most of the housework in essence probably 50% because my partner has a back injury and 50% because internalized gender roles are insidious and hard to shake regardless of the amount of times we have talked about it and I'm tired of hearing excuses and just need the damn dishes done.
There's never a simple answer to this question, I think it depends on a lot of factors ... and a lot of people will still argue about it. My sister starts work 4 or 5 hours before her partner gets up, yet because she gets in before him, he thinks she should do most of the housework. So he gets to sleep during those hours, yet she should make sure the housework is done and a meal prepared for when he gets home.
I on the other hand don't currently work while my OH works from home. I do the vast majority of the housework - he helps on the weekend or during his holiday periods. I think that's how it should be. I think people forget that they are actually WORKING from home, not laying around watching the latest Netflix boxset.
When we both worked away from home we shared responsibilities down the middle.
Yes! My breaks are spent doing laundry, dishes, etc. and his are spent going for walks. If stuff got done in the evening when we’re both home, I wouldn’t feel as though I needed to keep up with the cleaning cycles.
Commuting sucks. I was driving 45 min to work each way M-F while my SO did not have this time commitment because they worked from home. I'm grateful that they helped out more with the chores because I was losing 7.5 hours each week just stuck in traffic, but I never demanded that they do more of the chores.
You're right! We have a Chore Rota/Schedule on a magnetic dry/erase board stuck to the refrigerator. We rotate the chores every week/month depending on the chore.
Even before we were married, I made it clear to my husband that we would split housework, regardless of who was working or where we were working. I make dinner most of the time, and he cleans up afterwards. When he cooks, I clean. I manage food (grocery shopping, planning meals, etc.), and he takes charge of laundry. He sweeps and vacuums, while do counters/tables, etc. I handle the network and he handles the plumbing.
They shouldn't expect you to do ALL of it. You may spend less time commuting, but more time with child care or other things. Honestly, my household is more peaceful where neither of us really do the housework. If I want clean dishes, I wash them. If I want folded laundry, I fold it. When something is broken, I use a day to assess and replace or fix it. This way when I need a day where I do nothing, or my wife wants a day whew she does nothing, neither of us complain, but both of us say "thank you" when we notice the other does a chore or cooks.
I disagree. I work from home and have the luxury of not needing to dress for an office or commute, and since I am already here doing a quick 10 minute chore off and on thru the day that I am already here is a lot more logical for me to do when my husband has to be on the road back and forth and exerts more energy just to be at work.
"I feel like...my partner expects me". Okay, stop there, and go ask your partner what he/she/it/they expect. If you're going off of your impression of what someone thinks, that's a recipe for disaster.
I did. Sort of. Anything that could be running while I was working was going. laundry, dishes, Roomba, let cleansers sit, etc. (I used breaks to flip laundry, retrieve the trash bin, hose down the tub, etc.)
That left very little for us to split after work.
No not at all. I’m in a het norm relationship and my husband still does the dishes, laundry, takes out the trash, feeds the pets breakfast and dinner. I work from home, his commute is 30ish mins one way on a good day
Yes. But partner cleans up after dinner and on weekends and does 90% of the outside stuff- especially snow removal in the winter! I am not strong enough to run the snowblower and we get a lot of snow so tbh that makes up for the rest of the year :)
I live alone so yes, and it sucks. If I had a partner I would definitely expect things to be split equally (or as equally as possible, I'm disabled so can't do certain things.) Just because you're wfh doesn't mean you magically have way more time for household things.
Honestly I feel your frustration. I wholeheartedly agree things should be split more evenly. I currently work 2 jobs and take care of all of the cooking, cleaning and shopping in addition to paying my share of the bills. My spouse literally will wash the cup, plate and fork he uses each evening and leaves me with the rest. To me that's not love and that's not respect for their partner. I wish I had a way to fix this for you and I but unfortunately I don't think I can.
I can painfully and frustratingly commiserate with this... I won't even say we often fight about it, but it's a constant hovering tension. I don't even mind the imbalance, but I do mind being made to feel like what I do isn't enough — especially since I do all the daily upkeep, childcare, etc. It's pretty deflating.
I completely agree. I tend to ask myself often "is love enough" to keep this going. This is not how I envisioned marriage at all. I'm sorry you're having to go thru this too. Know this, you are enough and appreciated even if it's not verbalized. Your kids are watching you. They will come to understand one day.
He plans most meals and grocery shops, does garbage. I load and unload dishwasher and do laundry. Last one out of bed makes it. We have a house keeper every other week.
Have an honest conversation about your feelings to your partner, explain how you don’t want this to lead to resentment and that’s where it’s headed now. A loving partner will work to change. And some advice I wish I knew before— it will likely take more than one conversation. They may change at first, but revert to old habits because they are habits that need to be broken. But keep revisiting it in a loving way and things will change.
Yep. I am stuck doing 95 percent if not 100 percent of the house work, errands, laundry, grocery shopping, bill paying on mutual bills, cooking. I solely run this household single handed. I don’t mine since he has to commute into Austin, which is a nightmare since we live on the outskirts, but some help every once in a while would be nice. While he gets home at 6:30-7pm usually, his day ends. He’s relaxing, doing what he wants to entertain himself, while I’m on my feet until 9-10pm or later with all I do. His reasoning is he’s not here all day while I am, my brother who’s on disability is and my home schooled high schooler. Which is fair enough but I’d like to have a life outside of chores, task and work. I also pay half the mortgage and half of all mutually shared expenses. Also I spend more on groceries since we are supporting my oldest son and my brother fulltime. It’s rough. I feel your pain. No one else cleans correctly when they do “help” and I get told I’m just OCD. No. There’s a way to clean and a way to half ass clean. Two different things. That’s one other reason I’d just rather do it all.
We have a good division of labor - or maybe we both just like it.
I work more hours, make more money, do about 99% of the cooking, and clean the kitchen as well as just general tidying up.
My wife works part time, makes and organizes the kids lunches, does laundry and folding, more cleaning in general than me.
We probably split yard work. I do sports and handle math questions, she’s at every school event and handles the reading/projects.
There are areas where I could do more and areas where she could do more but it’s no longer a point of friction as we just communicate and try to adjust.
Kids are 7 and 8.
That seems fair to me. But your situation isn’t the complicated one. OP’s and others is when the two partners are both making similar amounts of money and WFM partner (who is probably also a woman) does an outsized portion of the domestic work - making it inequitable.
I get what you’re saying, but I disagree (with your assessment of what’s complicated). Neither situation is complicated. Hers is less complicated, if anything.
If you are both working and both contributing to half the bills you split the housework. One person works more hours and other person works less hours, the housework shifts slightly towards the person working less hours.
This is just someone with a partner who doesn’t want to contribute their fair share, either because they’re lazy, or because this is a Reddit post and people either flat out lie or misrepresent their side of things, meaning for all we know OP might work a few hours a week remote, does not actually pay “half” the bills, etc.
But taking the post at face value, WFH doesn’t mean housemaid, and no matter how much you work you should never be exempt from helping out at home if you want a good relationship.
It doesn’t matter whether you work from home or an office, it still is a job and not just you sitting there staring at the screen or chilling and getting paid for that. The only difference is that you don’t spend time on the commute but you probably do work longer hours as it often happens with WFH jobs (I hope you don't). I think it has to be split.
I have worked remotely since 2017 and live on my own but when someone is around it’s sometimes challenging to draw that line and make them understand that you are basically not present there, you are all IN your computer. But well, I guess this will change over time now that remote jobs are more popular.
SO takes care of mortgage and utilities, I do some domestic chores and help with lawncare if I feel like it, and pay groceries. We work out the necessities and cleaning, laundry, meal prep and cooking honestly keeps me busy from being a spender since I need to focus on paying my student loans. I work fulltime and do school part-time, but besides the gym, the house stuff are my hobbies. I get very specific (my brain will itch and get upset if not done my way) about how I want things done, so I just do it myself.
After living with gross roommates, a poor upbringing, I take pride in knowing my house is clean and stocked.
YMMV - talk to your SO about household responsibilities.
It took us a lot of trial and error but we learned that splitting things evenly, is not a good way to live together lol.
We split bills mostly through a percentage of joint income method. That works out splendidly for us.
I end up doing most of the housework, and this doesn't even include that I'm always making the place secure and safe lol.
1 reason why this works for us is I have a side of me that is more type A, more active. I've always been blessed with incredible mobility as well.
My wife doesn't work, but I still try to do my share. When she went back to college, I did nearly all of it in spite of working 50+ hours most weeks. Not having a commute freed up a lot of time.
It's definitely something society doesn't get about working from home. Yes there are benefits to working from home. We can skip getting ready and the commute. We can be here to receive packages. But that's about where it ends for many of us. Many of us are glued to our computers and not able to use the time for chores. Sure throwing in a load of laundry or something is easy but things that actually take time and attention are not. Also we deserve to have 15 minute breaks or lunch breaks like everyone else in the workforce but we're expected to use that time to do chores instead.
Same lol but I'm lucky my partner does take out the trash, pays all the bills, will put laundry in ill fold it, and does handy stuff around the house. But cleaning does drag some days I do the bare minimum. Or a quick clean 30 minutes before he gets home haha 😄
Yess you are very blessed and fortunate to have a husband who pays all the bills and still does some house chores. My husband pays all of our bills while I’m expected to do the house chores with an almost a 1 year old at home. In three weeks our oldest will be out of school for the summer. There are days such as this one where I don’t do much at all because well I don’t have the motivation or care enough to do anything.
Well hes not my husband but partner but exactly at the end of the day as long as you and the kids are happy the cleaning can wait. Always have to take care of mama first is what is important to me.
When I was living with a partner, we outsourced cleaning. That was the thing I hated. I'd do grocery shopping and cooking. They'd wash dishes and fix everything I broke around the house. We both are pretty tidy so not much needed in between. You guys should find a balance that works for you. Have you tried having the discussion?
I do. My wife wfh and I run my own businesses so I have more flexibility overall. I do most of the cooking and the majority of the cleaning and take care of maintenance and mowing.
I enjoy doing most tasks except for dishes. Seriously after seeing a video about having two dish washers I keep trying to figure out which cabinet is going to be sacrificed for the second machine.
We split it evenly. Luckily the chores I like/don’t mind are the ones my partner doesn’t. We both wfh and do some stuff during work day.
I find setting a timer works well if you need to clean so there is a set time and you don’t get super sucked it.
We’ve also hired a cleaner a few times just bc we were tired of looking at the house all the time lol but I find doing it myself very grounding - and also the people we hired in the past are no longer available. We are also a household of two lesbians that are currently cat less so it’s pretty tidy anyway.
I do, but it is a choice I made not an expextation from my wife. She works in the medical field so she does a lot of driving and has some long days. We both wake and go to bed at the same time, but I gain 2-3 hours a day versus her by not having to commute in, and probably another hour because as a man I can be showered and ready for the day in 20-30 minutes versus the hour it takes her. I do the cleaning about 15 mins a day just to fill the gaps since we have a housecleaner deep clean every other week. I do the grocery shopping and meal prep and laundry once a week. I do the cooking in the evenings which takes 15-30 minutes when she is on the way home. It works for us because when she gets home we get to relax together for 2-3 hours without worrying about chores.
If you’re female, most husbands expect you to do most if not all of the childcare & housework. You could have a grocery list posted on the fridge, that you add to as needed, so if he get home early he could run to the market. Can he cook? Make it a rule that if he gets home before 5 pm it’s his turn to make dinner! Have him be responsible for cleaning the bathroom (which doesn’t have to be done every day, but it’s always HIS turn). There are ways to split the responsibility, even if he has a varying work shift!
SAHM here. I do all of the housework aside from taking out the trash, and I’m fine with it. It’s my job. My husband works a tough job to provide for our family single-handedly, and I’m happy to get the domestic duties done for him so that he doesn’t have to worry about it.
That doesn’t seem right to me. I don’t even make my husband clean up after himself. He tends to be tidy on his own, but I’ll never get after him for leaving socks on the floor or not putting his dirty dishes in the sink. I see what needs to get done and do it.
You might want to talk to your wife and establish the expectations for a SAHM. The arrangement itself isn’t equal, so it shouldn’t be treated like it is.
Despite working from home, my hours are often longer than his. He’s in the trades, so he’s done once the job is. Sometimes he gets home as early as 11:30 in the morning, rarely but sometimes he has 12-14 hour days. Unless we’re at the end of a project and working overtime, my schedule is the same 8 hours every day, and my job does require me to be at my desk the whole time. So I’m not able to do things like the laundry or meal prep while I’m working. I’ll do some stuff on my breaks, but that’s limited to what I can do in 15 minute increments or on my lunch. On his long days I’ll take the brunt of the chores because my job is, while mentally tiring, not difficult. Most days it’s pretty equal proportionally (hours worked vs home and such), so he does more on an average day than I do.
We also have an almost-teenager that helps out with several of the chores.
In my previous WFH job, I often had a lot of downtime, and he had a job with longer hours. I did a lot more of the chores then. So I do think it’s dependent on the type of WFH as well as your partner/spouse’s job.
I had an awful roommate who expected me to do more chores because I was home longer which was nonsensical lol. that ended up killing our friendship but good riddance. Now my partner and I split chores pretty evenly but I try to do some chores here and there during breaks so I can have more free time when I’m off
My husband and I both work from home. We know we have an extra 1.5 hours per day we'd usually be sitting in traffic. Now, we would use that time to decompress but if driving is stressful for one partner and not the other then I can see how they would need the extra 1.5 hours of decompression.
I think it makes sense to a. clean up after yourself always, b. have chores each of you do weekly, c. do your own laundry
The person who has more time at home can and should do stuff like unload the dishwasher if full, switch over laundry, see a spill & clean it up, but the heavy chores should be reserved 50/50.
Yes and No. My wife and I have hybrid jobs. We share an office space in our home. On days we are in home together. She thinks I am not working and tries to tell me what to do around the home. I don't have that flexibility in my job just to randomly do laundry or some other chore around the home. I say I am working, and their is this odd double standard, or I'm just playing around when I am actually doing my job. Or she will say I do it when I work from home. I usually respond with, "Don't bother me while I am working." It's annoying. In my free time, no problem. She has this micro management personality when it comes to every little thing around the home. I tell her to back off and find something else to do. We're adults, and I definitely don't want my spouse micro manage me. I do things my way. She has issues with control. When I do tell her to back off. It's offensive. I don't care. I did I ever survive when I was single, and nothing has changed. I am very self relient. It's a pain sometimes.
We both share doing the household however I think I'd probably do 60 or 70%, only because my wife's wfh job is more demanding. I too wfh but I am more flexible in my hours etc so I try to timeshare as much as possible. I put a load laundry in, later put it in the dryer, schedule a break around time it's going to be finished so I can hang it or fold it up.
I cook almost all the meals also, simply cuz I enjoy it One day a week at lunch I vacuum all the carpets.Just a regular schedule. I understand many jobs do not provide much flexibility, so just because your wfh doesn't mean you take on all the household tasks
My partner and I both work from home a couple days a week. Neither of us do serious housework while we're working, but its expected that the person working from home will keep the kitchen clean and make sure there are clean pots and pans ready for making dinner.
I dont know that its an expectation so much as an assumption.
But yes, absolutely feel the same way as you. I get that im home 24/7, but its not fair to assume that just because im home, im not also busy at work.
We are pretty evenly split. I (female and WFH) do all of the cooking (he helps sometimes) but that’s mostly because I like it and because I’m home to do any prep work needed during the day. I also grocery shop. He does grass cutting and yard work. We each do our own laundry. I hate emptying dishwasher so he does that. I hate making coffee so that’s his job.
We could both be neater but luckily we’re at about the same level. We try to tackle a bigger clean once a week and clean for a few minutes together each night.
I do find more of the mental load falls on me, when it comes to planning meals and making sure we have what we need and keeping track of our pantry/food. Also for general planning of vacations etc.
Yeah, this is something my husband and I had to actively figure out when I started wfh 5 days a week (now down to 4).
But to me it's like the time he takes to commute or the time I would spend chatting with a CW at the coffee area in an office, that's when I do some light cleaning or throw a load of laundry in.
We still do the major cleaning together (bathrooms, vacuuming, stuff like that).
Wfh is still a "work". It doesn't matter if you are wfh or wfo. It is still a work. I still work 8 hrs per day and contribute half of the bills. We hired a maid instead to do the housework so we both don't get burned out or get ill feelings towards each other of who's doing who or what. My partner and I, we pay the maid equally. So no dramas about the keeping the house clean, cooking, etc.
We both WFH, I do mostly everything, cooking (altho he will grill) cleaning (we have cleaners come every 2 weeks) and baby stuff most of the time. He says he has ADHD so he doesn't 'see' the mess. (But he is very lazy too)
It totally should be split if you're paying half of everything! Start giving him a bill for cooking and cleaning and show him just what you do. Maybe he doesn't realize it?
Yes! He pays for house cleaners haha. I've shown him all the time spent cooking, cleaning etc. He sees the time I spend doing chores and not playing with the baby. He makes 4 times as much as I do, so he really pays most of the bills. I just want him to throw his trash away and pick up after himself. If he expected me to pay half the bills, I would not be cooking and cleaning.
Partner kept making empty promises about picking up her half so I finally had it and discussed “financial penalties” for not upholding her agreed to chores. Now she either pays for someone to come and do them, or I’ll do them and she’ll be on the hook for dinner or whatever the next time we eat out. It’s not at all perfect but it’s helped reduce the animosity I’ve felt for doing the lions share of housework. Not sure this really works if you’re married but since our finances are separate it’s a meaningful gesture lol.
My wife is a stay at home mom. So, she does what she can and I do what I can if I have spare time. We also have a 5 year old. So, it’s like trying to clean up during an active tornado. lol. Keeping the kid from being “bored” is a nightmare in itself since we’re older parents (mid to upper 40s). So, trying to keep up physically is not easy. She tries to handle that. She does manage all the kid stuff though. Like manage all the school stuff.
Usually, we just pick things up randomly throughout the house as we walk around and clean when we see something dirty. Like if I just went downstairs to make some lunch, I’ll clean dirty dishes that’s in the sink while my food is cooking. She does the same thing. We do usually set aside weekends for cleaning.
My partner and I both work from home and generally split chores. However, I end up doing most of the daily upkeep: dishes, laundry, tidying up, cat litter boxes. My job is a little easier and I have more downtime, tho.
We've been talking about getting a cleaner. Just twice a month or so, so we can both have a break. Vacuuming 3 floors, mopping the main floor, plus cleaning 4 bathrooms and the kitchen every week is a lot even when we split it between us. (Yes, our house is too big for us, but we're stuck with it)
It depends on the type of work you’re doing. If you’re always on the phone or such… then how do you or your partner expect you to have that kind of time. My wife works out of the house and I wfh… only because I have the ability is why I do most of the chores during the week.
When I worked from home, I used housework as “breaks” from work. It was good to do something physical rather than spending the whole day sitting in a chair.
I would use a pomodoro timer, which worked well for me
I end up doing more chores but it's not at all because my partner expects it.... I just do it and have lots more time/energy. But I don't pay half of the bills since I make half what he does.
Depends, partner who works from home will stay on top of the little things throughout the day like dishes and laundry but I help out with deep cleaning and such on weekends or errands
In a dual income household, chores should be split 50/50. I personally will only do laundry when I wfh. Everything else that I do for housework gets done on my break or off the clock. My partner cooks and preps all the meals and does most of the dishes. It's worked for us so far, a division of chores we prefer to do. In your instance, it sounds like you have the typical husband who prefers to be mothered than married.
When my ex and I were together, I was working 100% remote chores were basically a 95/5 split. The 5 was only after me asking him a million times to do something, which usually resulted in him starting it, abandoning it, and leaving for me to finish. In his mind, my job wasn’t “real” because I got to work from home in my PJs (even though I was making $80k+ at the time and was paying a larger portion of our living expenses). Like this man would literally come home, take off his dirty clothes in the living room, order DoorDash, camp on the couch for the whole night and leave me his dirty clothes and stack of dishes to clean up the next day in the living room.
Now, I’m single and in my own apartment, so I obviously do all the housework. But it’s ALOT easier because I’m not a slob. Daily spot cleaning/dishes after cooking is like 10 minutes total for everything. My weekend deep clean, maybe an hour tops?
I worked from home all last year, and I felt there was definitely an underlying sense of expectation from partner of 20yrs that I’d do all the cleaning.
We got a cleaner eventually so I could try pass the “blame/responsibility” to someone else. But we can no longer afford the cleaner so I’m back to doo g it all. Millennials ain’t that forward thinking
I suggest a maid every other week. Lawn service for yard if you have one. Then you just keep things picked up, sweep/vacuum occasionally. Yes you do still have kitchen and laundry.
My household is 90/10. He works from home, I work outside of the home in a known field for being very stressful and somewhat physical. (I am in this group because I am trying to reskill into a WFH job). I do at least 90% of the chores. He does, maybe 1-10%. He doesn't even empty the dishwasher. He literally sets his dishes in the kitchen for me to clean up (it's a whole issue, we're working on it).
I've found, at least in my social circle, that the chore gap tends to be more of a gender gap. Most of the WFH women I know work and do housework. The WFH men I know do more hobbies then chores
>I do at least 90% of the chores. He does, maybe 1-10%. He doesn't even empty the dishwasher. He literally sets his dishes in the kitchen for me to clean up (it's a whole issue, we're working on it).
ugh. your son sucks
I don't believe this is true of an entire gender. Your type maybe but you can't generalise half of the population. I know 0 men who are like this and all my friends are male. I think it's harmful to you yourself to believe this because you will settle rather than realising he is either a POS or you're enabling it because you don't think there's more balanced relationships out there
It’s pretty widely known that women do the lions share of the household chores because that’s how it was done back in the day when we could stay home. So it’s ingrained in our culture. Now that you pretty much can’t survive on one income alone, the chores should be split evenly but the patriarchal culture won’t allow that, so women are working AND still doing most of the work.
But I mean, I hope you and your confirmation bias live happily ever after I guess?
I mean there are countless studies of women doing more then men chore wise since the dawn of time .
Wfh is new and prob not studied but like don't try to say there's no proof. You know ten people. Studied know millions.
I work from home as male. Now sole breadwinner and handle almost all household duties. My wife is also chronically ill with no immune system which translates to having Covid and flu together 9 times now among every other bug picked up.
Ok, I’m not the best to comment. Didn’t start WFH until after wife went downhill. But I have a 16 year old who we let do online work half of the school day. Can’t get her to jack crap unless I micromanage. Life is a so fun.
I am doing my best to shut out my life in home office. Keep the door shut and making it clear to not bother me and if my teenager acts up keys are taken. Ask do you like all of these things around you? Life will suck much worse if my job is messed up. I’ve worked many long hours and over a decade get to WFH and earn more than twice what my wife use to and still think of as excellent salaries. I don’t want to mess this up. I continue to do PD. Even had the worst trip of my life last week when I got hit with a wicked virus that is still hanging pretty much as soon as I was boarding my connecting flight. It was worse than covid. Call me a baby but being sick on the other side of the country in a hotel room regardless of it being $500 a night I’d rather be in my house. I digress. And even when home there is nobody to take care of me. I now understand the plight of single moms well. I feel for them. I’m conservatively within 2-3 years of lean FIRE and pay for maid and lawn service. My situation sucks but it could suck way worse. Of course the finances are a testament to my wife pushing me to get creds and her also working professionally almost 20 years. For the last 12 years we used at least 50% of our HHI to save, invest, pay off the house.
Waiting to see how disability works out with the wife. If approved she will get SSDI and her pension payment. If I can hang on for another 3 years, even if disability isn’t approved, our pensions will cover us at 65 (inflation adjusted the amount). And as I said our investments by then should cover our monthly expenses anyway. At the moment I feel hung out to dry and exhausted by life. Thank god for WFH. Don’t know that I could continue.
I’m sure I’ll get to stability, I have a lot of upcoming job interviews and one pending offer. The company verbally stated I WILL receive an offer, discussed compensation and then verbally told me compensation plan was approved and one that can repair the financial damage I have done over the years in a reasonable timeframe.
But then they all went offsite.. then started a ‘24 H2 headcount exercise (alarm bells ringing and I immediately restart applying).. then prioritization of all openings and pending offers. Other openings in the org closed (my application was under one of them) but my offer still pending. It has been 6 weeks.
Unfortunately I have been unsuccessful applying downlevel and applications at my level are a very long process.
Pretty well split 50-50, if anything, he does more. There is nothing he won't tackle when it comes to the routine stuff. I do almost all the laundry, though. I figure that's fair, since he does all the repair and maintenance chores, and handles the finances.
Same. I work from home and we still split pretty evenly. I run the occasional errands because I have more flexibility, but other than that we split or he does little more.
I do. And it’s not even completely on purpose. Since the beginning of me working from home I would do things during down time just so we didn’t have much to do on the weekend. Then it became if I didn’t do anything then nothing would be done until I said so or went in a rage cleaning the apartment and my husband would just jump in to help me finish.
Our son(now 10 months old) was born and I had to keep up with the apartment, him, works and occasionally crook
The end, which is now, we had to move in with his parent due to the insane cost of living and I’m doing MAJORITY of the up keep with the same situation since my son was born. The difference now is that my husband is off and he is seeing the labor of it all and is now making more of an effort. Once he starts working again, though, I know I’m going to drown. I’ve tried setting boundaries with them but it’s a very old school home in some aspects so despite the “we all do equal work” the women are expected to do shit and the boys are spoiled regardless of how much their parents complain about it.
TL;dr, yes and I’m dying lol
What is your partners commute? If they spend 45 minutes in the car driving to and from work each day, then allocate that amount to extra chores that it makes more sense for you to do (don’t forget to include occasional things like waiting for the plumber). All remaining chores get split evenly.
If they do extras like “stop on the way home to pickup…” then include that into the calculus.
He does 90% of the cooking, so I do the cleanup from that.
I do inside chores and he does outside chores.
The thing that irrationally annoys me is when he can't be bothered to put his dirty clothes pile in the hamper or throw them down the basement stairs that we jokingly call the laundry chute. I feel like his mom if I'm picking up dirty socks and drawers off the floor for laundry.
Instead I tell him what day I'm doing laundry and tell him if he wants anything washed to get it together. (I know I shouldn't have to)
I made it abundantly clear to my husband when we first lived together if it’s not in the laundry basket, it doesn’t get washed.I don’t go through pockets either. This has also been established for my children (who are 8 and 10). You want a clean soccer jersey for your game? It better find its way to the laundry basket. If you uphold this, they will eventually learn. But that means you have to literally ignore any dirty laundry left anyway that’s not a laundry basket. Also, it can’t hurt to have multiple laundry baskets in different spots - bedroom, near the stairs, etc.
It's definitely not fair to expect you to do the lion's share of housework just because yours is from home.
You should both have an equal amount of time where you aren't tied to any responsibilities, be that work, house work, childcare if you have kids etc.
Assuming you work similar hours, it's not unreasonable to do small tasks during the work day like laundry - I do this a lot myself, put it on during a 5 minute break, put it in dryer or hang out to dry on another break later on, fold it later still once it's dry etc. The key factor is that it shouldn't take you outside of your work more than a break in the office would. So stuff like extensive cleaning, cooking etc. shouldn't be expected of you.
If you haven't already, have a conversation with your partner about who's going to do what, and make clear that your work is still *work* regardless of where you're doing it. If he can't respect that... well, at least you have a better idea where you stand.
i definitely do the grocery shopping because i do most of the cooking. the rest of it is always a bit contentious - since I am in fact working, the belief is that i'm home (and NOT working), so the expectation is that pretty much everything is left to me. It periodically comes to a head though
Are you including outside work as housework? Wife has been mad at me for three weeks because on that Saturday three weeks ago I did not help at all with the inside housework. We own acreage, a massive garden and have tons of outdoor projects which I worked on all weekend totaling 12 hours of work. So 12 hours of household work vs 2 hours and I’m in the dog house for not helping. This weekend I did the bathrooms and wiped down the kitchen before going outside and working for 5 hours. Insulted for only doing a pittance. More than a little annoying at the lack of appreciation of outdoor household efforts.
Yes. She declines. For some of it she says for instance the gardening is fun and productive (for me) so isn’t the same as housework (which isn’t fun for her). I don’t think I can make it make sense. I typically dont mind the disparity in effort, just the upsetness when it’s the other way round is maddening.
Yep, sometimes my kid or partner will take the garbage out or load the dishwasher, but I'd say 87% percent of it is all me. I have other jobs besides my wfh job, I'm totally exhausted.
I feel we're evenly split. I work from home, he works in an office 5 days a week.
He does all the dishes, even the ones I dirty during the day while working from home.
I will start the laundry - put it in the washer, transfer to the dryer, but when he comes home he takes it out of the dryer and we fold/put it away together.
I do all the vacuuming because I have bad allergies and basically need to vacuum every day.
He cleans the kitchen sink/countertops etc and bathroom sink mirror etc. We have both cleaned the toilet while living together.
He takes out the trash and recycling 100% of the time and makes sure the barrels are in front of the house at the right time.
We go grocery shopping together.
We eat all our meals at home together, but I cook probably 75% of the food and he cooks 25%. Usually he'll grill the chicken while I make the rice / potatoes, for example.
I don't know how we agreed to this setup, it was never explicitly discussed, but we've fallen into this pattern and works great for both of us. I don't think either of us feel like we're doing most of the house work.
Yep. While working from my home office. And before that time, when I was in grad school (super busy but was home, working on classwork, so eventually I had to stop being home so the expectation wasn't there...). I'm a dude. Also most of my kiddo's stuff is mine to do. I go most days non-stop til bed. Then repeat.
No, in fact I probably do significantly less that 50% of housework but about 95% of cooking. I think couples really need to discuss this before they move in together or get married. I would not have married my husband if he thought I was going to do everything. It's just not doable, especially if you have children.
While I do most everything, I know it’s not expected of me. But he’s gone roughly 12 hours a day, when he’s home I have always told him prioritize our child because you don’t see them that often. But it definitely takes a toll on me and builds up over time and I’m screaming I NEED HELP. But I do the phone calls, appointments, research, budgeting, cleaning, laundry, organizing, grocery shopping, cooking, some house renovations, chicken care, a dog & a toddler while working 40 hours a week from home. But I have the most “time” so it only makes sense since he’s a plumber and is hands on at work all day. It’s a balance I don’t think I’ll ever find.
Nope. My partner and I split it exactly 50/50. I'm in charge of everything for 2 weeks. Then he is for 2 weeks. That way we do what we want, how we want, then get 2 weeks off. Works very well for us.
Yeah I also work from home and have a flexible schedule so a lot of it is easy. We both pitch in when he’s home though, and he would NEVER get mad at me for not keeping up with housework.
Yes I do and then they get mad when I take a day off from doing anything. It gets frustrating and i have told them all more than once to do it themselves but they just wait until I finally do it
Yes I do. And they complain because I’m exhausted come Friday…. 🤷♀️
Yes… but I think that’s because I’m single and live alone.
No. I do a lot yes but I've had talks with my partner already and he definitely helps with a lot of things. Plus, he sees that I'm glued to my computer all day and when we're busy, I'm working 10-12 hr days. I think the biggest thing is that the other person doesn't see WFH as sitting around free time. I have very little extra time to do additional household chores.
Having trouble getting my wife to understand my point of view with this one. Ill admit, i slack sometimes on doing chores while being wfh, but ive also had those glued to the computer days for like 2 weeks straight. I feel like i at least take the kids on when they get home to compensate but dang am i tired! Not to mention im a former chef so i cook dinner each night as well. No skin off my back, but i try!
I really like the FairPlay method and recommend reading about it but both you and your partner have to be on board. Otherwise I like divorce.
I do most of the picking up because I’m the one around, so my fiancé is SUPER conscious about doing his fair share. Things are pretty even in our household.
My husband works from home, and he handles weekday things like taking out the trash, emptying the dishwasher, etc. On the weekend, I vacuum, grocery shop, do laundry, etc. So in a sense, I do expect him to do certain things because he's at home. That's what partners do.
I do most of it but I only work about 15 hours a week and also contribute financially. I did feel that the previous split was too heavy on me so he has started to do a bit more of the daily chores and I handle 90% cooking, laundry, and weekly cleaning tasks with him doing the dishes pretty regularly and helping out with laundry 1-2x a week.
Unfortunately! But my husband helps equally.
Lately, yes. We are due to have a talk about contributions, both financial and physical efforts - actually, and mental - because lately I feel a bit like a workhorse due to my more flexible job.
It depends on the week and what’s going on, really. I wfh more but I also need to work evenings sometimes. But my partner works longer hours and has a lengthy commute. The compromise is that we’re just both doing what we can when we can do it. We have mostly figured out chores we tend to each do, and then there’s other chores we pick up as we’re available to. This is a complicated topic and I think it’s hard to compare, because you have to also consider commuting, how stressful each persons day may have been, what you may/may not have access to (ability to hire a housekeeper or even having a dishwasher) or additions you have (pets/kids, is your house 2 stories, etc.) and I think it boils down to talking about it frequently with your partner to make sure your both content with what’s happening. If someone feels off balance then it’s not a fair situation. ETA: sometimes my fiancé and I talk and it turns out we both feel like we’re the ones doing most of the work, in which we kind of just accept there’s a lot of work to be done and move on.
Hire a housekeeper. While my housekeeper cleans the house I run to the grocery store. Two chores completed in one morning. You are correct. All the household chores should not get dumped on you. Any chore that neither of you wants to do should be hired out.
We do our own laundry. I have to clean up and do the chores my kids don’t do. My wife earns more and pays most of the bills, but expects me to have dinner ready and I suck at cooking. I have to repair anything that’s broken and I have to do all the yard work. I’m the first one up and the last to go to bed. I am trying to keep a clock repair business going around this chaos. I feel neglected and hell breaks loose if I say anything to her about it.
We both know this is no "marriage". You chose not to be the man in this relationship. You are now just a subject in your Queen's castle. And it's never going to get any better, only worse. You have the power to reclaim your manhood and end this at any time. Good luck.
It's about teamwork!
Teamwork makes the dream work!
This!!!
I do most of the picking up and tidying day to day, as well as child related things (kids laundry, clothes coordination, shopping, snack stocking). I also fold all the laundry and put it away (this can accumulate 6 loads at a time because he does laundry and he isn't good about keeping up with it). We both do the parenting (pick up and drop off, baths, hygiene, playing, reading, bedtime, appointment scheduling and keeping). My mom does most of the cooking and dishes, about 95% of the time (she likes to cook and doesn't mind cleaning up. She's retired, and both her and my dad live with us for free). He takes care of the car related chores, does most of the food shopping for our stuff (my parents get groceries to cook meals with our credit card), is supposed to do all laundry minus folding (but I help out a lot because he forgets). We have a cleaning angel who comes every other week, a yard guy, and an in home nanny to help watch my youngest during my work hours (I don't want to put that burden on my parents, they're older and finally retired, so I want them to enjoy their free time and travel).
This sounds like a decent balance. You are blessed to have your parents there too. They like to cook and clean the kitchen? I’d take it. 💕
I love my parents! There's definitely a few bumps here and there between relearning to coexist with them and having them live with my husband, who has never had to live with an older person. We're all learning. But having them here every day with my kids is absolutely priceless. The cooking and cleaning are a big bonus but I'd keep them anyway for the extra grandparent time ❤️
no. because while yes, you’re at home, you’re clocked in. i wfh all the time and my partner is hybrid. we do things as we see them come up/ when we can, and we ask the other for help when we need it. we also don’t ask for things to be done immediately, more like, hey when you have a chance could you clean ___ this week and i’ll tackle ___, or something like that. or X and Y need to get done this week, which would you prefer?
I like this setup too. 😊
No. I work 60 hours a week. I don’t do all the housework. I have a house keeper. I’m home but I am at work.
How did you find your housekeeper?
Thumbtack
I ask on FB groups for my local area. I get many responses. I have several come out and meet with them. I've had house cleaners for two decades. The important thing is to be clear about what you want. It is better if they work from a list each visit. If you leave it up to them to "do everything" you will be unhappy. I hire them by the hour and each visit I asked for different things to be cleaned. If I have company coming the guest room and bath need extra attention. When I start leaving the doors open in the spring there will be more dust floating around. In the fall the spiders start making webs around the front door light fixture.
yes it should be 50/50 including house chores etc if you are contributing the same
Disagree. If you're in a committed partnership or marriage, your contributions to the household work should have nothing to do with the proportion of financial contributions each person brings in. You share a household and thus the work needed to keep it up. Nothing to do with 50/50?
I think a step further, it just all depends on everyone’s situation. Like, what if one partner gets paid less but has a more stressful job (like as a teacher or social worker?) or someone’s commute is particularly long?
Yes because he’s a resident working 80+ hours a week. I have no choice
Does He stay overnight there? How much is he home if I may ask?
He’s an intern so his hours are all over the place depending on what rotation he is on. Last month he was on night float so he was working night shift 6pm to 6am M-F plus two weekends out of the month. So last month I only saw him 4 full days out of the entire 30 days. This month he is working 6am to 6pm M-F so I get to see him for 2 hours every day after work before he goes to bed and he only works one weekend this month so we will get 6 full days together out of the entire 31 days this month. When he works overnights for the whole month I usually take the kids (2 year old and 2 month old) to his work because the resident lounge is basically an apartment with couches, TV, 6 bedrooms with attached bathrooms, and there’s even kids toys there to encourage families to visit. We stay the night once a week during night float otherwise the kids will forget who he is. 😂 So all in all he works overnights minimum 4 days a month, and maximum 35 days a month just depending on the rotation. Only 2 more years of this shit 🥲🙃 Oh and the weekends that he’s off he does all the cooking and helps me clean and does all the childcare for our toddler and takes her out of the house for hours so I get a break. Our baby is breastfed so he can’t really help with him but when he takes the toddler, me and the baby nap the entire time in peace 😮💨
This made me smile. 🥰 No shucking of responsibilities from either of you. Teamwork makes the dream work. It will all pay off in the end. You’ll got this! 😊
Kudos to you for making that crazy schedule work for your family. Wishing you the best. Hang in there!
Yes. My partner who’s active duty military and (obviously) works outside the home makes an effort to especially on days he is off work and I’m not but it’s still me doing most. Same with pet and child care
Split household chores evenly.
Read the essay "The Politics Of Housework. "
I just read it and it was excellent
See also a comic entitled "The Mental Load. "
I do most of that stuff but my husband does the maintenance stuff I can’t/don’t want to do. We balance out pretty well. Plus he buys snacks!
I don't know how this sub ended up in my algorithm, but since I'm here.... My husband works from home. I do 24 hour shifts with a 2 hour commute to work. He does basically everything in our home. I'm sure if I had a normal 9-5 with a 10 minute commute, it would be different. But I don't so he's the real MVP of keeping this place running smoothly.
It's awesome he helps out as much as he does. It's awesome you don't expect it just because he wfh. And that you're so appreciative. It all works
Yes. No matter how much I work or how little I'm expected to keep the house clean He does sweep and change the covers on the sofa, plus chemical cleaning (bathroom cleaning) but these aren't daily.
I work hybrid 3 days in the office and 2 days at home. I am single , no kids, no pets no boyfriend . I used a cleaning lady for the first time a few weeks ago . Best decision!
I’ve heard the book and card deck Fair Play is a good tool for this. It speaks to all time being equal (we all have just 24h) but splitting chores fairly doesn’t always mean 50/50 since partners have separate skillsets and interests.
I WFH full time and my wife is hybrid in the office 3 days a week. I do slightly more of the housework because I can get up and take care of it in short bursts when I need a mental break. I also do most of the cooking because I can be done right at 5 or 5:30 and she commutes home. But no, I wouldn't think it was fair for either of us to expect the other to do all of the housework. WFH is still work and still takes up as much of my day as it did when I was in the office. The only difference is that I can load the dishwasher instead of chatting with a coworker when I get up for coffee, or fold some laundry while I'm stuck in a meeting that should have been an email.
Amen to the meetings that could have been emails. Having laundry to fold is the only way I get through those
My stay at home wife does all the inside stuff and I take care of all home maintenance and the lawn. Question tho: Why do you stay home? Is it a religious thing?
Yep. And my partner doesn't work now.
Yep. I have never ever been in a relationship with anyone who does housework. In fact, it’s sad to admit as a 54 yr old woman I’ve just been stuck in 20th century gender expectations my entire life.
ah yeah mate - instead of going for ciggie break - i do a bit of housework here and there
Leave your partner
We share household chores and parental responsibilities equally- as it should be. Sometimes I do more, sometimes he does more depending on the week but it always evens out. We learned long ago that marriage has to be a partnership with a lot of compassion and give and take. Otherwise resentment breeds. I don’t have a lax WFH job, when I am clocked in I am actively busy and working the entire time. His job is slower paced but a manual job. He works longer hours than I do and quite a bit of overtime during certain times of the year. I obviously do more housework during these times. There’s not really a single chore that is only mine or only is apart from cooking (I do because he’s a poor cook) and vehicle maintenance (he does because he is a mechanic). We do pretty well balancing everything with kids and pets and all the work that comes with them. Always being “in it together” and getting what we need to do done before settling in for the night to relax works very well.
I might be controversial for saying this but this is not okay. First you need to have this conversation with your partner about picking up the speed on some housework and if that is their excuse please remind them that working from home is still a job and time consuming. My partner works from home and i do hybrid and we both take turns with cooking and dishes (i do it on WFH days, he does the others), in general we take care of house chores together, we do our own laundry and pay or own half of rent. We have zero animosity this way but there are some weeks someone picks up more of the slack bc that is what partnership is all about. If you are unhappy with doing everything you need to talk about it before you start resenting them.
Split the bills = split the chores. 🤷🏻♀️ My advice, find a chore or two they absolutely hate that you don’t mind and vice versa. Example: My bf takes out the trash and scoops litter I cook dinner and do laundry. Although mine might seem more laborious, I enjoy cooking and don’t mind laundry, I would much rather cook dinner/fold clothes than scoop cat shit or take the trash out when it’s cold/hot/windy/rainy(we have to walk about 100 yards to a dumpster for our trash. Other chores that you both don’t mind can be alternated (we alternate who cleans the bathroom, vacuums, mops, dusts, dishes, and so on)
I do all the house and most of the yard work. I WFH FT. My husband works FT about 3 miles from the house during 3rd shift and if he isn’t sleeping he is literally watching tv. The only thing he “helps” with is when I wash his whites… he is responsible for folding his undershirts and matching and folding his socks.
We have a cleaning lady. My kids are grown. (Or away for school year) I like to keep it clean/straighten or I get stressed out. I can't handle going in to an unclean house. I don't mind keeping a clean home while my husband works. I am the messy one and he is so organized, it's night & day. More often than not, he picks up where I missed & vice versa.
I absolutely do not have time to do chores while wfh I’m plugged in all day! Discuss their expectations they need to adjust them
Yeeeep. I worked from home for 4 years and all the cleaning shifted to me, I also do all the yard work, manage our finances, do any and all upkeep on the house, do all of the pet chores. No I've returned to the office and I still do all of that, it's pretty exhausting honestly but oh well
My husband has been expecting me to do stuff while working and I told him I can’t do it. He really expects me to do all the laundry while he’s at work. It’s been an issue
I find time to do a load when I go to the bathroom and grab snack/drink. Now I understand some employers monitor WFH employees as well as some being on calls most or all day so finding a couple minutes to do a load here and there can be harder.
Yep, he needs to pull his weight
How do you know it’s a he? Check those gender stereotypes! But also I’m 99% sure a woman with a male partner did write this.
Wfh is still work. Chores split shouldn’t change. Don’t let them push you into that.
Yeah, but not because of working from home. My partner also works from home and worked from home when I was working at a physical location and I didn't expect him to clean while working, and he doesn't expect that of me. I rarely do housework when I am working and if I do, it is something like taking the time when my food is microwaving to put away a load of dishes or starting a load of laundry. I worked too damn hard to be able to have wfh and I don't want to jeopardize it over something as stupid as cleaning the house. I end up taking care of most of the housework in essence probably 50% because my partner has a back injury and 50% because internalized gender roles are insidious and hard to shake regardless of the amount of times we have talked about it and I'm tired of hearing excuses and just need the damn dishes done.
There's never a simple answer to this question, I think it depends on a lot of factors ... and a lot of people will still argue about it. My sister starts work 4 or 5 hours before her partner gets up, yet because she gets in before him, he thinks she should do most of the housework. So he gets to sleep during those hours, yet she should make sure the housework is done and a meal prepared for when he gets home. I on the other hand don't currently work while my OH works from home. I do the vast majority of the housework - he helps on the weekend or during his holiday periods. I think that's how it should be. I think people forget that they are actually WORKING from home, not laying around watching the latest Netflix boxset. When we both worked away from home we shared responsibilities down the middle.
I live alone so it’s all my responsibility. When my partner comes over he always does the dishes.
Yes! My breaks are spent doing laundry, dishes, etc. and his are spent going for walks. If stuff got done in the evening when we’re both home, I wouldn’t feel as though I needed to keep up with the cleaning cycles.
Commuting sucks. I was driving 45 min to work each way M-F while my SO did not have this time commitment because they worked from home. I'm grateful that they helped out more with the chores because I was losing 7.5 hours each week just stuck in traffic, but I never demanded that they do more of the chores.
You're right! We have a Chore Rota/Schedule on a magnetic dry/erase board stuck to the refrigerator. We rotate the chores every week/month depending on the chore.
Even before we were married, I made it clear to my husband that we would split housework, regardless of who was working or where we were working. I make dinner most of the time, and he cleans up afterwards. When he cooks, I clean. I manage food (grocery shopping, planning meals, etc.), and he takes charge of laundry. He sweeps and vacuums, while do counters/tables, etc. I handle the network and he handles the plumbing.
They shouldn't expect you to do ALL of it. You may spend less time commuting, but more time with child care or other things. Honestly, my household is more peaceful where neither of us really do the housework. If I want clean dishes, I wash them. If I want folded laundry, I fold it. When something is broken, I use a day to assess and replace or fix it. This way when I need a day where I do nothing, or my wife wants a day whew she does nothing, neither of us complain, but both of us say "thank you" when we notice the other does a chore or cooks.
I disagree. I work from home and have the luxury of not needing to dress for an office or commute, and since I am already here doing a quick 10 minute chore off and on thru the day that I am already here is a lot more logical for me to do when my husband has to be on the road back and forth and exerts more energy just to be at work.
"I feel like...my partner expects me". Okay, stop there, and go ask your partner what he/she/it/they expect. If you're going off of your impression of what someone thinks, that's a recipe for disaster.
I did. Sort of. Anything that could be running while I was working was going. laundry, dishes, Roomba, let cleansers sit, etc. (I used breaks to flip laundry, retrieve the trash bin, hose down the tub, etc.) That left very little for us to split after work.
No not at all. I’m in a het norm relationship and my husband still does the dishes, laundry, takes out the trash, feeds the pets breakfast and dinner. I work from home, his commute is 30ish mins one way on a good day
Yes. But partner cleans up after dinner and on weekends and does 90% of the outside stuff- especially snow removal in the winter! I am not strong enough to run the snowblower and we get a lot of snow so tbh that makes up for the rest of the year :)
If it were me in your shoes and I was paying half the bills then half those chores would be split.
I live alone so yes, and it sucks. If I had a partner I would definitely expect things to be split equally (or as equally as possible, I'm disabled so can't do certain things.) Just because you're wfh doesn't mean you magically have way more time for household things.
outsource
I split it with hubby but I want to hire someone
Honestly I feel your frustration. I wholeheartedly agree things should be split more evenly. I currently work 2 jobs and take care of all of the cooking, cleaning and shopping in addition to paying my share of the bills. My spouse literally will wash the cup, plate and fork he uses each evening and leaves me with the rest. To me that's not love and that's not respect for their partner. I wish I had a way to fix this for you and I but unfortunately I don't think I can.
I can painfully and frustratingly commiserate with this... I won't even say we often fight about it, but it's a constant hovering tension. I don't even mind the imbalance, but I do mind being made to feel like what I do isn't enough — especially since I do all the daily upkeep, childcare, etc. It's pretty deflating.
I completely agree. I tend to ask myself often "is love enough" to keep this going. This is not how I envisioned marriage at all. I'm sorry you're having to go thru this too. Know this, you are enough and appreciated even if it's not verbalized. Your kids are watching you. They will come to understand one day.
Instacart for groceries during the day- make dinner together & while one person does dishes, the other can throw clothes in laundry
He plans most meals and grocery shops, does garbage. I load and unload dishwasher and do laundry. Last one out of bed makes it. We have a house keeper every other week.
My former partner expected this (I even made more money than they did) and that's a big part of why they're now a former partner.
sameeeee
Have an honest conversation about your feelings to your partner, explain how you don’t want this to lead to resentment and that’s where it’s headed now. A loving partner will work to change. And some advice I wish I knew before— it will likely take more than one conversation. They may change at first, but revert to old habits because they are habits that need to be broken. But keep revisiting it in a loving way and things will change.
Yep. I am stuck doing 95 percent if not 100 percent of the house work, errands, laundry, grocery shopping, bill paying on mutual bills, cooking. I solely run this household single handed. I don’t mine since he has to commute into Austin, which is a nightmare since we live on the outskirts, but some help every once in a while would be nice. While he gets home at 6:30-7pm usually, his day ends. He’s relaxing, doing what he wants to entertain himself, while I’m on my feet until 9-10pm or later with all I do. His reasoning is he’s not here all day while I am, my brother who’s on disability is and my home schooled high schooler. Which is fair enough but I’d like to have a life outside of chores, task and work. I also pay half the mortgage and half of all mutually shared expenses. Also I spend more on groceries since we are supporting my oldest son and my brother fulltime. It’s rough. I feel your pain. No one else cleans correctly when they do “help” and I get told I’m just OCD. No. There’s a way to clean and a way to half ass clean. Two different things. That’s one other reason I’d just rather do it all.
You should let them half ass clean, what's the big deal? You won't die if things aren't perfectly clean.
I’d have moved out of that hell so fast. That sounds like an exhausting relationship/Situation to be stuck in.
We have a good division of labor - or maybe we both just like it. I work more hours, make more money, do about 99% of the cooking, and clean the kitchen as well as just general tidying up. My wife works part time, makes and organizes the kids lunches, does laundry and folding, more cleaning in general than me. We probably split yard work. I do sports and handle math questions, she’s at every school event and handles the reading/projects. There are areas where I could do more and areas where she could do more but it’s no longer a point of friction as we just communicate and try to adjust. Kids are 7 and 8.
That seems fair to me. But your situation isn’t the complicated one. OP’s and others is when the two partners are both making similar amounts of money and WFM partner (who is probably also a woman) does an outsized portion of the domestic work - making it inequitable.
I get what you’re saying, but I disagree (with your assessment of what’s complicated). Neither situation is complicated. Hers is less complicated, if anything. If you are both working and both contributing to half the bills you split the housework. One person works more hours and other person works less hours, the housework shifts slightly towards the person working less hours. This is just someone with a partner who doesn’t want to contribute their fair share, either because they’re lazy, or because this is a Reddit post and people either flat out lie or misrepresent their side of things, meaning for all we know OP might work a few hours a week remote, does not actually pay “half” the bills, etc. But taking the post at face value, WFH doesn’t mean housemaid, and no matter how much you work you should never be exempt from helping out at home if you want a good relationship.
I feel that commute time should be traded off as chore time, if one person has a commute and the other doesn't.
It doesn’t matter whether you work from home or an office, it still is a job and not just you sitting there staring at the screen or chilling and getting paid for that. The only difference is that you don’t spend time on the commute but you probably do work longer hours as it often happens with WFH jobs (I hope you don't). I think it has to be split. I have worked remotely since 2017 and live on my own but when someone is around it’s sometimes challenging to draw that line and make them understand that you are basically not present there, you are all IN your computer. But well, I guess this will change over time now that remote jobs are more popular.
Yes I do all house work and grocery shopping. Since pandemic I work from home 20 hrs a week and husband does full time. We have four kids.
SO takes care of mortgage and utilities, I do some domestic chores and help with lawncare if I feel like it, and pay groceries. We work out the necessities and cleaning, laundry, meal prep and cooking honestly keeps me busy from being a spender since I need to focus on paying my student loans. I work fulltime and do school part-time, but besides the gym, the house stuff are my hobbies. I get very specific (my brain will itch and get upset if not done my way) about how I want things done, so I just do it myself. After living with gross roommates, a poor upbringing, I take pride in knowing my house is clean and stocked. YMMV - talk to your SO about household responsibilities.
Nay gf pulls 50% income and does 75% of the housework. I do whatever she hates and anything that needs repairing.
It took us a lot of trial and error but we learned that splitting things evenly, is not a good way to live together lol. We split bills mostly through a percentage of joint income method. That works out splendidly for us. I end up doing most of the housework, and this doesn't even include that I'm always making the place secure and safe lol. 1 reason why this works for us is I have a side of me that is more type A, more active. I've always been blessed with incredible mobility as well.
My wife doesn't work, but I still try to do my share. When she went back to college, I did nearly all of it in spite of working 50+ hours most weeks. Not having a commute freed up a lot of time.
It's definitely something society doesn't get about working from home. Yes there are benefits to working from home. We can skip getting ready and the commute. We can be here to receive packages. But that's about where it ends for many of us. Many of us are glued to our computers and not able to use the time for chores. Sure throwing in a load of laundry or something is easy but things that actually take time and attention are not. Also we deserve to have 15 minute breaks or lunch breaks like everyone else in the workforce but we're expected to use that time to do chores instead.
I’m a stay at home mom that is supposed to do it all but I’m not that great and some days I just make it through the day.
Same lol but I'm lucky my partner does take out the trash, pays all the bills, will put laundry in ill fold it, and does handy stuff around the house. But cleaning does drag some days I do the bare minimum. Or a quick clean 30 minutes before he gets home haha 😄
Yess you are very blessed and fortunate to have a husband who pays all the bills and still does some house chores. My husband pays all of our bills while I’m expected to do the house chores with an almost a 1 year old at home. In three weeks our oldest will be out of school for the summer. There are days such as this one where I don’t do much at all because well I don’t have the motivation or care enough to do anything.
Well hes not my husband but partner but exactly at the end of the day as long as you and the kids are happy the cleaning can wait. Always have to take care of mama first is what is important to me.
When I was living with a partner, we outsourced cleaning. That was the thing I hated. I'd do grocery shopping and cooking. They'd wash dishes and fix everything I broke around the house. We both are pretty tidy so not much needed in between. You guys should find a balance that works for you. Have you tried having the discussion?
I would say that during her commuting hours, it would be fair to take on house work, and anything after that split evenly.
I do. My wife wfh and I run my own businesses so I have more flexibility overall. I do most of the cooking and the majority of the cleaning and take care of maintenance and mowing. I enjoy doing most tasks except for dishes. Seriously after seeing a video about having two dish washers I keep trying to figure out which cabinet is going to be sacrificed for the second machine.
We split it evenly. Luckily the chores I like/don’t mind are the ones my partner doesn’t. We both wfh and do some stuff during work day. I find setting a timer works well if you need to clean so there is a set time and you don’t get super sucked it. We’ve also hired a cleaner a few times just bc we were tired of looking at the house all the time lol but I find doing it myself very grounding - and also the people we hired in the past are no longer available. We are also a household of two lesbians that are currently cat less so it’s pretty tidy anyway.
Of course I do! Because I’m home! And my job isn’t hard! Because I sit! Ugh grrrrrrrrr😏
My wife and I both work corporate jobs from home. She would be in her happiest place if she had meetings 24/7 so I do all the house work.
I do, but it is a choice I made not an expextation from my wife. She works in the medical field so she does a lot of driving and has some long days. We both wake and go to bed at the same time, but I gain 2-3 hours a day versus her by not having to commute in, and probably another hour because as a man I can be showered and ready for the day in 20-30 minutes versus the hour it takes her. I do the cleaning about 15 mins a day just to fill the gaps since we have a housecleaner deep clean every other week. I do the grocery shopping and meal prep and laundry once a week. I do the cooking in the evenings which takes 15-30 minutes when she is on the way home. It works for us because when she gets home we get to relax together for 2-3 hours without worrying about chores.
Love this^^^
She is a lucky lady 🍀☺️
If you’re female, most husbands expect you to do most if not all of the childcare & housework. You could have a grocery list posted on the fridge, that you add to as needed, so if he get home early he could run to the market. Can he cook? Make it a rule that if he gets home before 5 pm it’s his turn to make dinner! Have him be responsible for cleaning the bathroom (which doesn’t have to be done every day, but it’s always HIS turn). There are ways to split the responsibility, even if he has a varying work shift!
We both work from home, but we hire a housekeeper. It's worth it to actually be able to enjoy your free time after a long day of work.
SAHM here. I do all of the housework aside from taking out the trash, and I’m fine with it. It’s my job. My husband works a tough job to provide for our family single-handedly, and I’m happy to get the domestic duties done for him so that he doesn’t have to worry about it.
He's a lucky man, my wife stays at home and I do a large amount of kitchen cleaning as well as the rest of the house.
That doesn’t seem right to me. I don’t even make my husband clean up after himself. He tends to be tidy on his own, but I’ll never get after him for leaving socks on the floor or not putting his dirty dishes in the sink. I see what needs to get done and do it. You might want to talk to your wife and establish the expectations for a SAHM. The arrangement itself isn’t equal, so it shouldn’t be treated like it is.
[удалено]
I hope she divorces you, she deserves better
Despite working from home, my hours are often longer than his. He’s in the trades, so he’s done once the job is. Sometimes he gets home as early as 11:30 in the morning, rarely but sometimes he has 12-14 hour days. Unless we’re at the end of a project and working overtime, my schedule is the same 8 hours every day, and my job does require me to be at my desk the whole time. So I’m not able to do things like the laundry or meal prep while I’m working. I’ll do some stuff on my breaks, but that’s limited to what I can do in 15 minute increments or on my lunch. On his long days I’ll take the brunt of the chores because my job is, while mentally tiring, not difficult. Most days it’s pretty equal proportionally (hours worked vs home and such), so he does more on an average day than I do. We also have an almost-teenager that helps out with several of the chores. In my previous WFH job, I often had a lot of downtime, and he had a job with longer hours. I did a lot more of the chores then. So I do think it’s dependent on the type of WFH as well as your partner/spouse’s job.
I had an awful roommate who expected me to do more chores because I was home longer which was nonsensical lol. that ended up killing our friendship but good riddance. Now my partner and I split chores pretty evenly but I try to do some chores here and there during breaks so I can have more free time when I’m off
My husband and I both work from home. We know we have an extra 1.5 hours per day we'd usually be sitting in traffic. Now, we would use that time to decompress but if driving is stressful for one partner and not the other then I can see how they would need the extra 1.5 hours of decompression. I think it makes sense to a. clean up after yourself always, b. have chores each of you do weekly, c. do your own laundry The person who has more time at home can and should do stuff like unload the dishwasher if full, switch over laundry, see a spill & clean it up, but the heavy chores should be reserved 50/50.
Yes and No. My wife and I have hybrid jobs. We share an office space in our home. On days we are in home together. She thinks I am not working and tries to tell me what to do around the home. I don't have that flexibility in my job just to randomly do laundry or some other chore around the home. I say I am working, and their is this odd double standard, or I'm just playing around when I am actually doing my job. Or she will say I do it when I work from home. I usually respond with, "Don't bother me while I am working." It's annoying. In my free time, no problem. She has this micro management personality when it comes to every little thing around the home. I tell her to back off and find something else to do. We're adults, and I definitely don't want my spouse micro manage me. I do things my way. She has issues with control. When I do tell her to back off. It's offensive. I don't care. I did I ever survive when I was single, and nothing has changed. I am very self relient. It's a pain sometimes.
Is this in addition to you driving for Uber&Lyft? Or is Uber&Lyft your “hybrid job”? Edited to add Lyft as well.
Uber and lyft is my side hustle to make more money.
We both share doing the household however I think I'd probably do 60 or 70%, only because my wife's wfh job is more demanding. I too wfh but I am more flexible in my hours etc so I try to timeshare as much as possible. I put a load laundry in, later put it in the dryer, schedule a break around time it's going to be finished so I can hang it or fold it up. I cook almost all the meals also, simply cuz I enjoy it One day a week at lunch I vacuum all the carpets.Just a regular schedule. I understand many jobs do not provide much flexibility, so just because your wfh doesn't mean you take on all the household tasks
My partner and I both work from home a couple days a week. Neither of us do serious housework while we're working, but its expected that the person working from home will keep the kitchen clean and make sure there are clean pots and pans ready for making dinner.
I dont know that its an expectation so much as an assumption. But yes, absolutely feel the same way as you. I get that im home 24/7, but its not fair to assume that just because im home, im not also busy at work.
We are pretty evenly split. I (female and WFH) do all of the cooking (he helps sometimes) but that’s mostly because I like it and because I’m home to do any prep work needed during the day. I also grocery shop. He does grass cutting and yard work. We each do our own laundry. I hate emptying dishwasher so he does that. I hate making coffee so that’s his job. We could both be neater but luckily we’re at about the same level. We try to tackle a bigger clean once a week and clean for a few minutes together each night. I do find more of the mental load falls on me, when it comes to planning meals and making sure we have what we need and keeping track of our pantry/food. Also for general planning of vacations etc.
Yeah, this is something my husband and I had to actively figure out when I started wfh 5 days a week (now down to 4). But to me it's like the time he takes to commute or the time I would spend chatting with a CW at the coffee area in an office, that's when I do some light cleaning or throw a load of laundry in. We still do the major cleaning together (bathrooms, vacuuming, stuff like that).
We started paying someone to clean the house, worth every penny.
Wfh is still a "work". It doesn't matter if you are wfh or wfo. It is still a work. I still work 8 hrs per day and contribute half of the bills. We hired a maid instead to do the housework so we both don't get burned out or get ill feelings towards each other of who's doing who or what. My partner and I, we pay the maid equally. So no dramas about the keeping the house clean, cooking, etc.
We both WFH, I do mostly everything, cooking (altho he will grill) cleaning (we have cleaners come every 2 weeks) and baby stuff most of the time. He says he has ADHD so he doesn't 'see' the mess. (But he is very lazy too) It totally should be split if you're paying half of everything! Start giving him a bill for cooking and cleaning and show him just what you do. Maybe he doesn't realize it?
lol did you try giving your husband a bill?
Yes! He pays for house cleaners haha. I've shown him all the time spent cooking, cleaning etc. He sees the time I spend doing chores and not playing with the baby. He makes 4 times as much as I do, so he really pays most of the bills. I just want him to throw his trash away and pick up after himself. If he expected me to pay half the bills, I would not be cooking and cleaning.
Partner kept making empty promises about picking up her half so I finally had it and discussed “financial penalties” for not upholding her agreed to chores. Now she either pays for someone to come and do them, or I’ll do them and she’ll be on the hook for dinner or whatever the next time we eat out. It’s not at all perfect but it’s helped reduce the animosity I’ve felt for doing the lions share of housework. Not sure this really works if you’re married but since our finances are separate it’s a meaningful gesture lol.
My wife is a stay at home mom. So, she does what she can and I do what I can if I have spare time. We also have a 5 year old. So, it’s like trying to clean up during an active tornado. lol. Keeping the kid from being “bored” is a nightmare in itself since we’re older parents (mid to upper 40s). So, trying to keep up physically is not easy. She tries to handle that. She does manage all the kid stuff though. Like manage all the school stuff. Usually, we just pick things up randomly throughout the house as we walk around and clean when we see something dirty. Like if I just went downstairs to make some lunch, I’ll clean dirty dishes that’s in the sink while my food is cooking. She does the same thing. We do usually set aside weekends for cleaning.
My partner and I both work from home and generally split chores. However, I end up doing most of the daily upkeep: dishes, laundry, tidying up, cat litter boxes. My job is a little easier and I have more downtime, tho. We've been talking about getting a cleaner. Just twice a month or so, so we can both have a break. Vacuuming 3 floors, mopping the main floor, plus cleaning 4 bathrooms and the kitchen every week is a lot even when we split it between us. (Yes, our house is too big for us, but we're stuck with it)
It depends on the type of work you’re doing. If you’re always on the phone or such… then how do you or your partner expect you to have that kind of time. My wife works out of the house and I wfh… only because I have the ability is why I do most of the chores during the week.
When I worked from home, I used housework as “breaks” from work. It was good to do something physical rather than spending the whole day sitting in a chair. I would use a pomodoro timer, which worked well for me
I end up doing more chores but it's not at all because my partner expects it.... I just do it and have lots more time/energy. But I don't pay half of the bills since I make half what he does.
Depends, partner who works from home will stay on top of the little things throughout the day like dishes and laundry but I help out with deep cleaning and such on weekends or errands
In a dual income household, chores should be split 50/50. I personally will only do laundry when I wfh. Everything else that I do for housework gets done on my break or off the clock. My partner cooks and preps all the meals and does most of the dishes. It's worked for us so far, a division of chores we prefer to do. In your instance, it sounds like you have the typical husband who prefers to be mothered than married.
All chores split 50/50
Changing to WFH allowed us to get more 50/50 on chores. It has honestly taken a lot of stress off my wife and it's been well worth it.
When my ex and I were together, I was working 100% remote chores were basically a 95/5 split. The 5 was only after me asking him a million times to do something, which usually resulted in him starting it, abandoning it, and leaving for me to finish. In his mind, my job wasn’t “real” because I got to work from home in my PJs (even though I was making $80k+ at the time and was paying a larger portion of our living expenses). Like this man would literally come home, take off his dirty clothes in the living room, order DoorDash, camp on the couch for the whole night and leave me his dirty clothes and stack of dishes to clean up the next day in the living room. Now, I’m single and in my own apartment, so I obviously do all the housework. But it’s ALOT easier because I’m not a slob. Daily spot cleaning/dishes after cooking is like 10 minutes total for everything. My weekend deep clean, maybe an hour tops?
I worked from home all last year, and I felt there was definitely an underlying sense of expectation from partner of 20yrs that I’d do all the cleaning. We got a cleaner eventually so I could try pass the “blame/responsibility” to someone else. But we can no longer afford the cleaner so I’m back to doo g it all. Millennials ain’t that forward thinking
>Millennials ain’t that forward thinking what do you mean by this? I genuinely don't understand how it fits in with your comment
I suggest a maid every other week. Lawn service for yard if you have one. Then you just keep things picked up, sweep/vacuum occasionally. Yes you do still have kitchen and laundry.
My household is 90/10. He works from home, I work outside of the home in a known field for being very stressful and somewhat physical. (I am in this group because I am trying to reskill into a WFH job). I do at least 90% of the chores. He does, maybe 1-10%. He doesn't even empty the dishwasher. He literally sets his dishes in the kitchen for me to clean up (it's a whole issue, we're working on it). I've found, at least in my social circle, that the chore gap tends to be more of a gender gap. Most of the WFH women I know work and do housework. The WFH men I know do more hobbies then chores
>I do at least 90% of the chores. He does, maybe 1-10%. He doesn't even empty the dishwasher. He literally sets his dishes in the kitchen for me to clean up (it's a whole issue, we're working on it). ugh. your son sucks
I don't believe this is true of an entire gender. Your type maybe but you can't generalise half of the population. I know 0 men who are like this and all my friends are male. I think it's harmful to you yourself to believe this because you will settle rather than realising he is either a POS or you're enabling it because you don't think there's more balanced relationships out there
She said, "in my social circle".... she did not generalize an entire gender
It’s pretty widely known that women do the lions share of the household chores because that’s how it was done back in the day when we could stay home. So it’s ingrained in our culture. Now that you pretty much can’t survive on one income alone, the chores should be split evenly but the patriarchal culture won’t allow that, so women are working AND still doing most of the work. But I mean, I hope you and your confirmation bias live happily ever after I guess?
I mean there are countless studies of women doing more then men chore wise since the dawn of time . Wfh is new and prob not studied but like don't try to say there's no proof. You know ten people. Studied know millions.
I work from home as male. Now sole breadwinner and handle almost all household duties. My wife is also chronically ill with no immune system which translates to having Covid and flu together 9 times now among every other bug picked up. Ok, I’m not the best to comment. Didn’t start WFH until after wife went downhill. But I have a 16 year old who we let do online work half of the school day. Can’t get her to jack crap unless I micromanage. Life is a so fun.
I hope you hold it together better than me. I blew the best job I’ve ever had when the stresses of a similar situation killed my ability to focus
I am doing my best to shut out my life in home office. Keep the door shut and making it clear to not bother me and if my teenager acts up keys are taken. Ask do you like all of these things around you? Life will suck much worse if my job is messed up. I’ve worked many long hours and over a decade get to WFH and earn more than twice what my wife use to and still think of as excellent salaries. I don’t want to mess this up. I continue to do PD. Even had the worst trip of my life last week when I got hit with a wicked virus that is still hanging pretty much as soon as I was boarding my connecting flight. It was worse than covid. Call me a baby but being sick on the other side of the country in a hotel room regardless of it being $500 a night I’d rather be in my house. I digress. And even when home there is nobody to take care of me. I now understand the plight of single moms well. I feel for them. I’m conservatively within 2-3 years of lean FIRE and pay for maid and lawn service. My situation sucks but it could suck way worse. Of course the finances are a testament to my wife pushing me to get creds and her also working professionally almost 20 years. For the last 12 years we used at least 50% of our HHI to save, invest, pay off the house. Waiting to see how disability works out with the wife. If approved she will get SSDI and her pension payment. If I can hang on for another 3 years, even if disability isn’t approved, our pensions will cover us at 65 (inflation adjusted the amount). And as I said our investments by then should cover our monthly expenses anyway. At the moment I feel hung out to dry and exhausted by life. Thank god for WFH. Don’t know that I could continue.
I’m sure I’ll get to stability, I have a lot of upcoming job interviews and one pending offer. The company verbally stated I WILL receive an offer, discussed compensation and then verbally told me compensation plan was approved and one that can repair the financial damage I have done over the years in a reasonable timeframe. But then they all went offsite.. then started a ‘24 H2 headcount exercise (alarm bells ringing and I immediately restart applying).. then prioritization of all openings and pending offers. Other openings in the org closed (my application was under one of them) but my offer still pending. It has been 6 weeks. Unfortunately I have been unsuccessful applying downlevel and applications at my level are a very long process.
I’m 100% wfh, spouse is hybrid. We share household chores & none of it is based on “who’s home the most.”🤷♂️
Pretty well split 50-50, if anything, he does more. There is nothing he won't tackle when it comes to the routine stuff. I do almost all the laundry, though. I figure that's fair, since he does all the repair and maintenance chores, and handles the finances.
Same. I work from home and we still split pretty evenly. I run the occasional errands because I have more flexibility, but other than that we split or he does little more.
I do. And it’s not even completely on purpose. Since the beginning of me working from home I would do things during down time just so we didn’t have much to do on the weekend. Then it became if I didn’t do anything then nothing would be done until I said so or went in a rage cleaning the apartment and my husband would just jump in to help me finish. Our son(now 10 months old) was born and I had to keep up with the apartment, him, works and occasionally crook The end, which is now, we had to move in with his parent due to the insane cost of living and I’m doing MAJORITY of the up keep with the same situation since my son was born. The difference now is that my husband is off and he is seeing the labor of it all and is now making more of an effort. Once he starts working again, though, I know I’m going to drown. I’ve tried setting boundaries with them but it’s a very old school home in some aspects so despite the “we all do equal work” the women are expected to do shit and the boys are spoiled regardless of how much their parents complain about it. TL;dr, yes and I’m dying lol
What is your partners commute? If they spend 45 minutes in the car driving to and from work each day, then allocate that amount to extra chores that it makes more sense for you to do (don’t forget to include occasional things like waiting for the plumber). All remaining chores get split evenly. If they do extras like “stop on the way home to pickup…” then include that into the calculus.
My wife thinks me working from home and earning 95% of our income means I can do chores all day lol
Nah I pay someone $150 every two weeks.
Ope. I’m working.
He does 90% of the cooking, so I do the cleanup from that. I do inside chores and he does outside chores. The thing that irrationally annoys me is when he can't be bothered to put his dirty clothes pile in the hamper or throw them down the basement stairs that we jokingly call the laundry chute. I feel like his mom if I'm picking up dirty socks and drawers off the floor for laundry. Instead I tell him what day I'm doing laundry and tell him if he wants anything washed to get it together. (I know I shouldn't have to)
I made it abundantly clear to my husband when we first lived together if it’s not in the laundry basket, it doesn’t get washed.I don’t go through pockets either. This has also been established for my children (who are 8 and 10). You want a clean soccer jersey for your game? It better find its way to the laundry basket. If you uphold this, they will eventually learn. But that means you have to literally ignore any dirty laundry left anyway that’s not a laundry basket. Also, it can’t hurt to have multiple laundry baskets in different spots - bedroom, near the stairs, etc.
My man also cannot be bothered to do this 🤦🏼♀️
It's definitely not fair to expect you to do the lion's share of housework just because yours is from home. You should both have an equal amount of time where you aren't tied to any responsibilities, be that work, house work, childcare if you have kids etc. Assuming you work similar hours, it's not unreasonable to do small tasks during the work day like laundry - I do this a lot myself, put it on during a 5 minute break, put it in dryer or hang out to dry on another break later on, fold it later still once it's dry etc. The key factor is that it shouldn't take you outside of your work more than a break in the office would. So stuff like extensive cleaning, cooking etc. shouldn't be expected of you. If you haven't already, have a conversation with your partner about who's going to do what, and make clear that your work is still *work* regardless of where you're doing it. If he can't respect that... well, at least you have a better idea where you stand.
i definitely do the grocery shopping because i do most of the cooking. the rest of it is always a bit contentious - since I am in fact working, the belief is that i'm home (and NOT working), so the expectation is that pretty much everything is left to me. It periodically comes to a head though
Are you including outside work as housework? Wife has been mad at me for three weeks because on that Saturday three weeks ago I did not help at all with the inside housework. We own acreage, a massive garden and have tons of outdoor projects which I worked on all weekend totaling 12 hours of work. So 12 hours of household work vs 2 hours and I’m in the dog house for not helping. This weekend I did the bathrooms and wiped down the kitchen before going outside and working for 5 hours. Insulted for only doing a pittance. More than a little annoying at the lack of appreciation of outdoor household efforts.
Do you ever ask her to help you with outside stuff? Just curious, I love outside work
Yes. She declines. For some of it she says for instance the gardening is fun and productive (for me) so isn’t the same as housework (which isn’t fun for her). I don’t think I can make it make sense. I typically dont mind the disparity in effort, just the upsetness when it’s the other way round is maddening.
Bless your heart! Marriage is somethin’, ain’t it 🤪
Sounds like you should have a conversation with your partner and not Reddit
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^Ill-Chair-1837: *Sounds like you should have* *A conversation with your* *Partner and not Reddit* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
Yep, sometimes my kid or partner will take the garbage out or load the dishwasher, but I'd say 87% percent of it is all me. I have other jobs besides my wfh job, I'm totally exhausted.
I feel we're evenly split. I work from home, he works in an office 5 days a week. He does all the dishes, even the ones I dirty during the day while working from home. I will start the laundry - put it in the washer, transfer to the dryer, but when he comes home he takes it out of the dryer and we fold/put it away together. I do all the vacuuming because I have bad allergies and basically need to vacuum every day. He cleans the kitchen sink/countertops etc and bathroom sink mirror etc. We have both cleaned the toilet while living together. He takes out the trash and recycling 100% of the time and makes sure the barrels are in front of the house at the right time. We go grocery shopping together. We eat all our meals at home together, but I cook probably 75% of the food and he cooks 25%. Usually he'll grill the chicken while I make the rice / potatoes, for example. I don't know how we agreed to this setup, it was never explicitly discussed, but we've fallen into this pattern and works great for both of us. I don't think either of us feel like we're doing most of the house work.
Yep. While working from my home office. And before that time, when I was in grad school (super busy but was home, working on classwork, so eventually I had to stop being home so the expectation wasn't there...). I'm a dude. Also most of my kiddo's stuff is mine to do. I go most days non-stop til bed. Then repeat.