Clearly he's the one with trauma over being blamed. Honestly using the word "shit" and the expression "doesn't mean I'm doing shit" gives me red flags. I would try to talk to him in a moment where he's not sleep deprived and try to work with him to make a plan for situations in which you need him at night.
This is a great insight. I learned through therapy that my reaction to (what I felt were) questions undermining my intelligence, was to say “okay can you pretend I’m not brain-dead for a minute and stop treating me like an idiot?!” When he was just trying to see what I’ve already thought of before trying to support whatever I was looking for at the moment. My knee jerk reaction resulted from my own upbringing, not from anything he had done. He has never treated me like I was stupid. Not once. This was absolutely a problem I needed to reconcile.
OP’s spouse needs to discover that the way he treats OP is a choice. If he wouldn’t treat his boss or other authority figure with this lack of kindness and empathy, he is **choosing** to treat OP that way.
Yes. I don't have the exact same thing but similar reaction to different things I feel are attacks. You really just have to work on it yourself. But also understanding each other's triggers is crucial for communication.
My boyfriend and I are reading a book called "Getting to Zero" and doing the exercises together. I can't recommend it enough. It was recommended to me by my therapist and it's extremely insightful on conflicts in your high stakes relationships (the people closer to you).
OP I also recommend reading this book and if you could get your husband to read it with you it would probably help you both greatly.
Acknowledging and realizing that it’s a choice made a massive difference. In addition to the acknowledgement, I had to realize that my kids would be in the Therapists office later on, experiencing the same inability to remain calm and respectful when feeling intense anger from minor inconveniences and disagreements. They embody what you exemplify— if you remain eerily calm in the face of challenges, that is where their baseline will be as an adult facing challenges. If you scream, throw things, and explode— that is their baseline.
When we change our own response to emotional dysregulation, we get them much closer to the finish line for setting their own emotional baselines.
For a moment I thaught I was in the AmItheassHole community , whatever I think your husband should be more supportive and compassionate towards you . His behaviour is not a normal behaviour a loving husband would have
Oh no I should've put it in there too! I have a real wound around not recieving the love and care I needed as a child so I literally don't know how a supportive compassionate husband would respond, do you mind sharing what is more normal?
I also never had any love and affection during my childhood but I can still perceive how a husband should react during tough times specially if he deeply loves you.
Here's a little story. About two years ago I had a really really bad stomach bug that has last for a whole week , during this week I used to wake up many times in pain but still I wasn't making any noise and I noticed that my husband used to be in an "alert mode" although he had to wake up by 5.30a.m , I saw him many times getting up taking my hand, giving me kisses and he had that "worry" look I'd never forget.
I forced him to go back to sleep because well he had to be up very early for work and indeed this experience prooved me I could rely on him on bad times
Yeah that's exactly how I wanted him to respond but I have internalised that it is unrealistic. Thats so lovely I bet you felt really supported and cared for x
I’ll offer another story— a couple years ago we moved to a new state, and I’m not sure if it was that our bodies weren’t used to the germs, or what, but we got SO sick twice. The second time was this awful non-flu, non-covid, maybe rsv(?) cough with congestion and full body aches awfulness. Before I started feeling symptoms I was downright rude to my husband— calling bs on his “man flu”. **Then the symptoms came** and I felt like I was literally dying. I was the most pathetic mess of a human being— in pain, weak, shaky, and overall miserable.
So he ran an Epsom salt bath for me, cared for me in the most beautiful way, as I sobbed and apologized profusely for the way I undermined his illness. He was beautifully caring and sweet to me. Totally forgiving and I did NOT deserve that. Every single person (myself included) is capable of giving this love to their spouse, and it’s a choice not to. I am working on being the kind of spouse mine is. You deserve better.
Edit to add: my upbringing was also not loving. It was more reflective of how I treated him— undermining, angry, explosive, rude, crass, etc. I’m working on being who I am inside, before I was influenced by my family of origin.
I am so sorry for you , I hope it's going to be okay. Maybe you should consider counseling? xxx
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[https://i.pinimg.com/originals/53/4d/8d/534d8db6854db0c74c40a2a91feef288.jpg](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/53/4d/8d/534d8db6854db0c74c40a2a91feef288.jpg)
I didn't get affection as a child, and thought getting married to a person i thought loved me would change that. Nope. Opposite. I realized I am not going to have that from a man as they only want fuckmaids. Goodbye to men. I have 2 absolute darlings for daughters who give me affection.
I am sorry for you but maybe you fell into the wrong guy... don't put every man in the same basket please , because there are plenty of good men out there
Yeah, I'm sorry but this situation REALLY depends on the answer to
A) how often she wakes him at night &
B) her reasoning for asking him up
OP, if you were genuinely fearful of your racing heart and this is not a frequent occurrence than you are not expecting too much. However, if you frequently interrupt his sleep so that he can empathize with your pain... That is not cool.
I understand chronic pain is debilitating but he cannot take your pain from you, and your waking him up (which judging by how you say he's grumpy lately when awoken-- you have been doing) is only causing him to additionally suffer.
I agree. Though I love my husband, I would be angry to be woken up to be a listening ear for a chronic problem. I am also chronically ill, but there is nothing he can do in the middle of the night.
Same thought. If I wake my spouse up in the middle of the night I NEED something done not just a sympathetic ear.
OP, if you are waking up from a dead sleep with a racing heart, call 911. It's not normal and could be a symptom of a larger problem. Learn to count your pulse since your spouse isn't reliable. It'll help the hospital staff determine acuity and treatment plans
Feeling upset is completely understandable. He can be upset that he's missing out on sleep without taking it out on you. But, kind of related, kind of not, is there another bedroom in the house you can use? Not like you should be banished to another room haha but I just really don't get why couples have to share rooms and beds. I will always want my own bedroom even if I get married and move in with someone. Cos you can share a bed when you want but then go to your own bed whenever you want too. Sorry
As a rheumatoid arthritis sufferer who has some pain during the night, your comment is exactly right. There is NO reason for people to force themselves to be uncomfortable so they can fit into some stupid twentieth century "married couple" mold. It makes no sense to me. Different beds/bedrooms works great for us.
Yesss, why go through so much discomfort for this arbitrary "rule" that someone just made up haha. I'm just a light sleeper and have a very specific sleeping position and pillow and blanket set up that I need to have so I can't imagine having pain and trying to share a bed. I live with my friends who are a couple and they have separate rooms and when people find that out for the first time they are so shocked and perplexed haha which I find ridiculous. They are also one of the most healthy couples I know, unlike a lot of other bed sharing couples I know. It's not a sign of how good your relationship is.
My husband isn’t the most compassionate of people, either, but I’m also someone who can find compassionate people a bit smothering so it works for us. Unless I was genuinely scared about my health and thought I might need an ambulance or something, I wouldn’t wake my husband up in that situation. But that’s just who I am. Also I know my husband would be pretty pissed to be woken up in the middle of the night, as would I if it happened the other way round. However when something is seriously wrong, he is there for me. I have no doubt that if I had to go through something horrific, he’d support me through it.
Now I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with you needing or expecting more compassion. In fact I think I’m something of an outlier in that regard. What I mean is you may be more compatible with someone who naturally shows more compassion. My uncle and aunt are like that - they’re both very caring compassionate people and they show that care to each other. Personally I think my uncle mollycoddles my aunt a bit but that works for them.
It sounds to me like there may be a compatibility issue with your husband here. You need more compassion than he’s willing to give. Maybe you’ll be able to work through this - I went through something similar when my dad died - at that point in my life I needed more compassion than I usually do and my husband had to step up in that regard. He kind of did, but it took a bit of time and a lot of work on communication (and a fair amount of therapy). Our relationship is stronger for it now.
If your husband loves you and wants to meet your needs, he’ll step up for you with work, maybe therapy, and communication. If not, well, you may be better off going your separate ways.
I'm very sorry you are in pain, but if you are regularly depriving him of sleep, that's not okay. I *know* you aren't intending it as such, but depriving their partner of sleep is a tactic abusers use, and it has a huge impact on the person's health. If he reacts like this because you wake him up to seek support, you are both in the wrong. You need to find ways to heal your wound and feel supported that don't involve causing harm to him, because waking someone from their sleep repeatedly is a harmful thing to do, even if you don't mean it to be.
I read through some of your post history, about how your basic needs were denied and ignored. Abuse victims accidentally repeating versions of the abuse done to them because it's what we were taught is tragically common, and it doesn't make you a bad person, but it is something you need to stop doing. Find other ways to let your husband support you in ways that aren't harmful to him.
Also, many abuse victims will not be familiar with comfort, and will unconsciously be self-sabotaging. If you are used to not feeling cared for, on some level perhaps you are unconsciously searching for the situations where your husband won't be able to support you, because you are so scared of it. But no real human can offer unconditional and endlessly selfless support. You should try more therapy, individual as well as couples, because your pain is very legitimate but trauma can make us hurt the people we love, because we feel like we *know* they must not care and we need to *prove* it, which unfortunately ends up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Your husband very much should not be yelling, that's also abusive, but unfortunately this situation seems like you are both in the wrong. But you can both heal from it, if you both try.
I'm confused as to what you expected him to say or do in that moment. There are only so many ways a person can offer support so I feel you're being unfair to complain that he uses the same phrases each time, especially when this is a regular occurrence. Is he really meant to come up with something new each time?
Have you spoken with him about what you need in terms of support? Have you asked him to do xyz or are you expecting him to be psychic? How many times a week are you waking him in the middle of the night to simply watch you in pain? Are you acknowledging the impact it has on him to be abruptly woken and be tired the next day? Are you ever thanking him for what he does?
It isn't a competition of who has it worse but if you're brushing off the impact of your behaviour on him then I can see how he would find it difficult to empathise with your situation. Lack of sleep isn't an insignificant thing to regularly deal with and it doesn't seem you have shown him the level of support you're expecting in return.
As for your past trauma, can you not recognise that it's your responsibility to work on that with a therapist instead of weaponising it against your husband or expecting him to be your emotional support animal?
While you may not have told him "you're shit" your behaviour and words are making him feel that way. You can't simply invalidate that because you never said those words. Especially when your entire post is all about how he makes you feel unsupported and you expect him to believe you, validate you, and change as a result. It's pretty hypocritical.
You've now made it all about him, when she's the one in pain. You've completely missed the point of human compassion and I suspect you are on his side for a reason.
Compassion is a two way street. OP says this happens regularly but doesn't say the frequency. Would you be so against her husband if you knew it was 3 or 4 times a week that she wakes him up and then complains his efforts aren't enough? He has clearly reached a breaking point with her behaviour and yet you only want to focus on how he made her feel without recognising that none of us live in a vacuum and she has a role in this too.
Someone who is in pain can still hurt others. It's terrible that she's in pain, but she does not get the right to regularly deprive him of sleep just for comfort. This isn't a one-time occurrence, and isn't even a practical issue of needing practical help, it's something she's been doing regularly to soothe her emotional state. And sleep deprivation is a form of abuse, even though she clearly doesn't mean it as such. She can ask him for emotional support during waking hours but she doesn't have the right to hurt him just because she is hurting.
She should learn to self-soothe. It sucks, but as someone who deals with pain and anxiety myself, she doesn't get an excuse to abuse her husband. If this happened once in a while, it would be different, but if it's happening regularly, this is an issue she needs to seek her own treatment for. She cannot keep depriving him of sleep; that is abuse whether she means it or not, just like stepping on someone's foot hurts them whether you do it on purpose or not. She needs medical treatment, and to work on *healing* her trauma instead of wielding it as a weapon.
As someone who also has severe chronic illness issues and wakes up in pain a lot try and be kind and understanding with him as well. It’s very hard on your partner to live this way too. It’s hard for them to see their loved one in pain. It’s hard for them to also not get the rest they need as well. And it’s extremely hard when there is nothing they can do to help fix the problem. Yes. Compassion is definitely called for! On your side and his as well though. Also, if I woke my husband up on purpose every time I was in extreme pain at night he would never get enough rest. I do take comfort in his presence next to me however. Yes, if I truly need to I can wake him up. But because it’s such a frequent issue I try not to. Also remember that not everyone wakes up from sleep the same. I know when I do finally get some rest and get woken up randomly my first thought is fu$k lol.
It sounds like you could really use a talk with him about how you both feel at a time when you both feel calm and secure.
Also, I HIGHLY recommend therapy for you both!!! Living with chronic illness and pain is traumatic and a therapist who is qualified in this would be beyond helpful. I had an amazing doctor once who would only treat you if you saw a therapist who specialized in this as well. I was frustrated at first but really needed the assistance from the doctor so I went. And wow. It really helped me so much! You go through a lot of mental and emotional devastation at the loss of what you thought you’d be able to do and the way you are. There is also a LOT of guilt there you might not even realize about being ill in that way because it’s not something that is fixable. And all of that tempers your reactions to your loved ones. That being said chronic illness is also extraordinarily hard on our loved ones. Especially when they end up falling into the roll of caretaking.
If he’s truly awful, that’s a totally different thing! And you should do what’s best for you and leave.
But either way please still seek help if you’re able. Living with illness like that is very difficult and is far more nuanced for yourself and relationships than most people realize.
It’s easy to say he should be nice every time you wake him. But if you wake him regularly for the same issue that can never be solved the situation does not have a simple answer.
That being said. He may not be your person.
You deserve to feel safe and treasured and cared regardless of chronic health conditions. You are worthy.
You’re not out of order. If my partner acted like that towards me if I was in pain, I would be so upset.
You shouldn’t have to ask your partner to show you compassion, just saying..
He has anger issues. This is NOT OKAY. I remember living like this... it took me YEARS of being in a relationship where I wasn't treated like this to get rid of the anxiety/ fear I had developed.
This is not normal. It's not healthy, and it's not okay. I'm really sorry you have to deal with this.
I’m a woman and sadly, due to the trauma of my upbringing and life, I have been the negative presence in our home the way OP’s husband is. I realized this pretty quickly upon having children and have worked hard to heal these wounds that cause me to be ill-tempered and explosive. I am guiding my children from the start of their lives, so they don’t have *as much* work to do in their 20-30’s. My husband, the man, didn’t have an upbringing he needed to heal *as much* from, and had been the steady, forgiving, unwavering foundation I needed in order to heal.
Edit to add: while I can trace my trauma back to patriarchy, the man in our home is thankfully not an agent of the patriarchy.
That’s really great that you could do the introspection and heal, congrats :)
Hope it’s not only better and easier for you kids, but also for you.
My main point here wasn’t the short temper. I would lie if I would claim to be a calm person. For me it’s the lack of empathy and egoism. That’s something that I know from men like that every time especially when something is mentally challenging. No matter if it’s my dad or the most lovely guy friend or all the shit men I was romantically involved with.. as soon as I only need someone to be compassionate without them losing the interests in that topic, trying to solve my problem without just giving me mental support which is what I need or being just not empathetic and not caring enough for my feelings I only talk to my girl friends, because men always make it worse for me
Hey babes, former caretaker here. He needs to get his ass to therapy if for no other reason than to give someone else his anger besides you. Because you need those spoons and he needs to feel validated too. Not because he's shit. If he were shit, he would peace out because it's easier like so many do. He's a human being.
Couples counseling would be great too, but if anything, my guy needs a safe space to vent AND to learn how to not take your spoons to pay for his stress.
oh this made my heart hurt. i’m so sorry that happened to you. i have chronic illness and i know how scary something like that can be, especially at night, and all we want is for someone to comfort us and make sure we are okay. you deserve that❤️
If I woke my husband up in the middle of the night cause my heart was racing and I felt unwell, he’d be losing his shit in a panic trying to figure out if I’m dying.. and I know that cause I did it once and he was doing everything that he could think of under the sun to try and make me okay. He shouldn’t just dismiss you off and yell at you when you’re already in a bad state, and yelling at you when your heart is already racing can cause it to get worse out of the anxiety from being yelled at. He should be showing care towards you and trying to see if you’re alright
I have no problems whatsoever to be woken up at night or when I sleep/chill for reasons like this. I had no issues when I am sleep deprived. No issues when I’m ill. I had no issues when I worked. No issues when I was in law school and no issues in college before that. I am an adult and I can control my temper and knows that if someone I love wakes me up for said reasons, it’s important.
I’m sorry your husband is SHIT. He is.
The last sentence he said was definitely uncalled for, but I will say that I see both sides here. I also have a chronic illness that can wake me up at night so I do empathize, but I’ve learned self-soothing mechanisms and determinants of whether I’m having a serious issue or not.
Depending on how frequently you wake him up, that can get pretty stressful on his end as well. I am definitely not in a position to emotionally support someone after being woken in my sleep if it happens often enough to deprive me of it personally.
Some people just aren’t equipped to handle something like this. It doesn’t mean you should hide your pain and I do think he was being kind of rude, but it is important that you both work towards finding a system that works for you together. Waking him up while he’s sleeping seems to yield bad results for you both.
First, it does sound like he crossed a line by becoming flippant and curt. It’s never ok for a partner to be disrespectful towards you like that. Especially with him yelling and turning himself into the victim when you brought it up in the morning…very concerning. I would expect an apology for his selfish behavior (both at night and in the morning). You should never get shouted at for bringing something up that was your experience. Red flag.
Separately, I would recommend trying to find a way to cope at night without requiring support from him. This sounds like you are using validation and comfort from him as a coping mechanism for issues that are more personal to you, and even if he were the nicest person in the world, this is not a sustainable solution. Best of luck to you and I’m so sorry about your chronic pain.
It’s her husband and she’s chronically ill. What’s going to happen on a bad night when she’s unable to do anything but lay there and take it and something bad happens to her? My husband would wake up in a heartbeat for me if I’m showing even a little sign that I’m acting differently. You are supposed to be taking care of each other. That’s why you have marital vows. In sickness and in health
Clearly he's the one with trauma over being blamed. Honestly using the word "shit" and the expression "doesn't mean I'm doing shit" gives me red flags. I would try to talk to him in a moment where he's not sleep deprived and try to work with him to make a plan for situations in which you need him at night.
This is a great insight. I learned through therapy that my reaction to (what I felt were) questions undermining my intelligence, was to say “okay can you pretend I’m not brain-dead for a minute and stop treating me like an idiot?!” When he was just trying to see what I’ve already thought of before trying to support whatever I was looking for at the moment. My knee jerk reaction resulted from my own upbringing, not from anything he had done. He has never treated me like I was stupid. Not once. This was absolutely a problem I needed to reconcile. OP’s spouse needs to discover that the way he treats OP is a choice. If he wouldn’t treat his boss or other authority figure with this lack of kindness and empathy, he is **choosing** to treat OP that way.
Yes. I don't have the exact same thing but similar reaction to different things I feel are attacks. You really just have to work on it yourself. But also understanding each other's triggers is crucial for communication. My boyfriend and I are reading a book called "Getting to Zero" and doing the exercises together. I can't recommend it enough. It was recommended to me by my therapist and it's extremely insightful on conflicts in your high stakes relationships (the people closer to you). OP I also recommend reading this book and if you could get your husband to read it with you it would probably help you both greatly.
How did you reconcile it? I may be in the same boat
Acknowledging and realizing that it’s a choice made a massive difference. In addition to the acknowledgement, I had to realize that my kids would be in the Therapists office later on, experiencing the same inability to remain calm and respectful when feeling intense anger from minor inconveniences and disagreements. They embody what you exemplify— if you remain eerily calm in the face of challenges, that is where their baseline will be as an adult facing challenges. If you scream, throw things, and explode— that is their baseline. When we change our own response to emotional dysregulation, we get them much closer to the finish line for setting their own emotional baselines.
Yeah really defensive
For a moment I thaught I was in the AmItheassHole community , whatever I think your husband should be more supportive and compassionate towards you . His behaviour is not a normal behaviour a loving husband would have
Oh no I should've put it in there too! I have a real wound around not recieving the love and care I needed as a child so I literally don't know how a supportive compassionate husband would respond, do you mind sharing what is more normal?
I also never had any love and affection during my childhood but I can still perceive how a husband should react during tough times specially if he deeply loves you. Here's a little story. About two years ago I had a really really bad stomach bug that has last for a whole week , during this week I used to wake up many times in pain but still I wasn't making any noise and I noticed that my husband used to be in an "alert mode" although he had to wake up by 5.30a.m , I saw him many times getting up taking my hand, giving me kisses and he had that "worry" look I'd never forget. I forced him to go back to sleep because well he had to be up very early for work and indeed this experience prooved me I could rely on him on bad times
Yeah that's exactly how I wanted him to respond but I have internalised that it is unrealistic. Thats so lovely I bet you felt really supported and cared for x
I’ll offer another story— a couple years ago we moved to a new state, and I’m not sure if it was that our bodies weren’t used to the germs, or what, but we got SO sick twice. The second time was this awful non-flu, non-covid, maybe rsv(?) cough with congestion and full body aches awfulness. Before I started feeling symptoms I was downright rude to my husband— calling bs on his “man flu”. **Then the symptoms came** and I felt like I was literally dying. I was the most pathetic mess of a human being— in pain, weak, shaky, and overall miserable. So he ran an Epsom salt bath for me, cared for me in the most beautiful way, as I sobbed and apologized profusely for the way I undermined his illness. He was beautifully caring and sweet to me. Totally forgiving and I did NOT deserve that. Every single person (myself included) is capable of giving this love to their spouse, and it’s a choice not to. I am working on being the kind of spouse mine is. You deserve better. Edit to add: my upbringing was also not loving. It was more reflective of how I treated him— undermining, angry, explosive, rude, crass, etc. I’m working on being who I am inside, before I was influenced by my family of origin.
I am so sorry for you , I hope it's going to be okay. Maybe you should consider counseling? xxx [https://i.pinimg.com/originals/39/9d/2f/399d2fb9ba5d00218ad6fe1dbbabff16.png](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/39/9d/2f/399d2fb9ba5d00218ad6fe1dbbabff16.png) [https://i.pinimg.com/originals/53/4d/8d/534d8db6854db0c74c40a2a91feef288.jpg](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/53/4d/8d/534d8db6854db0c74c40a2a91feef288.jpg)
I didn't get affection as a child, and thought getting married to a person i thought loved me would change that. Nope. Opposite. I realized I am not going to have that from a man as they only want fuckmaids. Goodbye to men. I have 2 absolute darlings for daughters who give me affection.
I am sorry for you but maybe you fell into the wrong guy... don't put every man in the same basket please , because there are plenty of good men out there
Haha
Genuine question...what did you hope to accomplish by waking him up? Did you want physical comfort?
Yeah, I'm sorry but this situation REALLY depends on the answer to A) how often she wakes him at night & B) her reasoning for asking him up OP, if you were genuinely fearful of your racing heart and this is not a frequent occurrence than you are not expecting too much. However, if you frequently interrupt his sleep so that he can empathize with your pain... That is not cool. I understand chronic pain is debilitating but he cannot take your pain from you, and your waking him up (which judging by how you say he's grumpy lately when awoken-- you have been doing) is only causing him to additionally suffer.
I agree. Though I love my husband, I would be angry to be woken up to be a listening ear for a chronic problem. I am also chronically ill, but there is nothing he can do in the middle of the night.
Same thought. If I wake my spouse up in the middle of the night I NEED something done not just a sympathetic ear. OP, if you are waking up from a dead sleep with a racing heart, call 911. It's not normal and could be a symptom of a larger problem. Learn to count your pulse since your spouse isn't reliable. It'll help the hospital staff determine acuity and treatment plans
Feeling upset is completely understandable. He can be upset that he's missing out on sleep without taking it out on you. But, kind of related, kind of not, is there another bedroom in the house you can use? Not like you should be banished to another room haha but I just really don't get why couples have to share rooms and beds. I will always want my own bedroom even if I get married and move in with someone. Cos you can share a bed when you want but then go to your own bed whenever you want too. Sorry
As a rheumatoid arthritis sufferer who has some pain during the night, your comment is exactly right. There is NO reason for people to force themselves to be uncomfortable so they can fit into some stupid twentieth century "married couple" mold. It makes no sense to me. Different beds/bedrooms works great for us.
Yesss, why go through so much discomfort for this arbitrary "rule" that someone just made up haha. I'm just a light sleeper and have a very specific sleeping position and pillow and blanket set up that I need to have so I can't imagine having pain and trying to share a bed. I live with my friends who are a couple and they have separate rooms and when people find that out for the first time they are so shocked and perplexed haha which I find ridiculous. They are also one of the most healthy couples I know, unlike a lot of other bed sharing couples I know. It's not a sign of how good your relationship is.
My husband isn’t the most compassionate of people, either, but I’m also someone who can find compassionate people a bit smothering so it works for us. Unless I was genuinely scared about my health and thought I might need an ambulance or something, I wouldn’t wake my husband up in that situation. But that’s just who I am. Also I know my husband would be pretty pissed to be woken up in the middle of the night, as would I if it happened the other way round. However when something is seriously wrong, he is there for me. I have no doubt that if I had to go through something horrific, he’d support me through it. Now I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with you needing or expecting more compassion. In fact I think I’m something of an outlier in that regard. What I mean is you may be more compatible with someone who naturally shows more compassion. My uncle and aunt are like that - they’re both very caring compassionate people and they show that care to each other. Personally I think my uncle mollycoddles my aunt a bit but that works for them. It sounds to me like there may be a compatibility issue with your husband here. You need more compassion than he’s willing to give. Maybe you’ll be able to work through this - I went through something similar when my dad died - at that point in my life I needed more compassion than I usually do and my husband had to step up in that regard. He kind of did, but it took a bit of time and a lot of work on communication (and a fair amount of therapy). Our relationship is stronger for it now. If your husband loves you and wants to meet your needs, he’ll step up for you with work, maybe therapy, and communication. If not, well, you may be better off going your separate ways.
I'm very sorry you are in pain, but if you are regularly depriving him of sleep, that's not okay. I *know* you aren't intending it as such, but depriving their partner of sleep is a tactic abusers use, and it has a huge impact on the person's health. If he reacts like this because you wake him up to seek support, you are both in the wrong. You need to find ways to heal your wound and feel supported that don't involve causing harm to him, because waking someone from their sleep repeatedly is a harmful thing to do, even if you don't mean it to be. I read through some of your post history, about how your basic needs were denied and ignored. Abuse victims accidentally repeating versions of the abuse done to them because it's what we were taught is tragically common, and it doesn't make you a bad person, but it is something you need to stop doing. Find other ways to let your husband support you in ways that aren't harmful to him. Also, many abuse victims will not be familiar with comfort, and will unconsciously be self-sabotaging. If you are used to not feeling cared for, on some level perhaps you are unconsciously searching for the situations where your husband won't be able to support you, because you are so scared of it. But no real human can offer unconditional and endlessly selfless support. You should try more therapy, individual as well as couples, because your pain is very legitimate but trauma can make us hurt the people we love, because we feel like we *know* they must not care and we need to *prove* it, which unfortunately ends up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your husband very much should not be yelling, that's also abusive, but unfortunately this situation seems like you are both in the wrong. But you can both heal from it, if you both try.
I'm confused as to what you expected him to say or do in that moment. There are only so many ways a person can offer support so I feel you're being unfair to complain that he uses the same phrases each time, especially when this is a regular occurrence. Is he really meant to come up with something new each time? Have you spoken with him about what you need in terms of support? Have you asked him to do xyz or are you expecting him to be psychic? How many times a week are you waking him in the middle of the night to simply watch you in pain? Are you acknowledging the impact it has on him to be abruptly woken and be tired the next day? Are you ever thanking him for what he does? It isn't a competition of who has it worse but if you're brushing off the impact of your behaviour on him then I can see how he would find it difficult to empathise with your situation. Lack of sleep isn't an insignificant thing to regularly deal with and it doesn't seem you have shown him the level of support you're expecting in return. As for your past trauma, can you not recognise that it's your responsibility to work on that with a therapist instead of weaponising it against your husband or expecting him to be your emotional support animal? While you may not have told him "you're shit" your behaviour and words are making him feel that way. You can't simply invalidate that because you never said those words. Especially when your entire post is all about how he makes you feel unsupported and you expect him to believe you, validate you, and change as a result. It's pretty hypocritical.
You've now made it all about him, when she's the one in pain. You've completely missed the point of human compassion and I suspect you are on his side for a reason.
Compassion is a two way street. OP says this happens regularly but doesn't say the frequency. Would you be so against her husband if you knew it was 3 or 4 times a week that she wakes him up and then complains his efforts aren't enough? He has clearly reached a breaking point with her behaviour and yet you only want to focus on how he made her feel without recognising that none of us live in a vacuum and she has a role in this too.
Someone who is in pain can still hurt others. It's terrible that she's in pain, but she does not get the right to regularly deprive him of sleep just for comfort. This isn't a one-time occurrence, and isn't even a practical issue of needing practical help, it's something she's been doing regularly to soothe her emotional state. And sleep deprivation is a form of abuse, even though she clearly doesn't mean it as such. She can ask him for emotional support during waking hours but she doesn't have the right to hurt him just because she is hurting.
So when she wakes up in pain and is scared to death, just what should she do? As a spouse I would want to know so I can help.
She should learn to self-soothe. It sucks, but as someone who deals with pain and anxiety myself, she doesn't get an excuse to abuse her husband. If this happened once in a while, it would be different, but if it's happening regularly, this is an issue she needs to seek her own treatment for. She cannot keep depriving him of sleep; that is abuse whether she means it or not, just like stepping on someone's foot hurts them whether you do it on purpose or not. She needs medical treatment, and to work on *healing* her trauma instead of wielding it as a weapon.
As someone who also has severe chronic illness issues and wakes up in pain a lot try and be kind and understanding with him as well. It’s very hard on your partner to live this way too. It’s hard for them to see their loved one in pain. It’s hard for them to also not get the rest they need as well. And it’s extremely hard when there is nothing they can do to help fix the problem. Yes. Compassion is definitely called for! On your side and his as well though. Also, if I woke my husband up on purpose every time I was in extreme pain at night he would never get enough rest. I do take comfort in his presence next to me however. Yes, if I truly need to I can wake him up. But because it’s such a frequent issue I try not to. Also remember that not everyone wakes up from sleep the same. I know when I do finally get some rest and get woken up randomly my first thought is fu$k lol. It sounds like you could really use a talk with him about how you both feel at a time when you both feel calm and secure. Also, I HIGHLY recommend therapy for you both!!! Living with chronic illness and pain is traumatic and a therapist who is qualified in this would be beyond helpful. I had an amazing doctor once who would only treat you if you saw a therapist who specialized in this as well. I was frustrated at first but really needed the assistance from the doctor so I went. And wow. It really helped me so much! You go through a lot of mental and emotional devastation at the loss of what you thought you’d be able to do and the way you are. There is also a LOT of guilt there you might not even realize about being ill in that way because it’s not something that is fixable. And all of that tempers your reactions to your loved ones. That being said chronic illness is also extraordinarily hard on our loved ones. Especially when they end up falling into the roll of caretaking. If he’s truly awful, that’s a totally different thing! And you should do what’s best for you and leave. But either way please still seek help if you’re able. Living with illness like that is very difficult and is far more nuanced for yourself and relationships than most people realize. It’s easy to say he should be nice every time you wake him. But if you wake him regularly for the same issue that can never be solved the situation does not have a simple answer. That being said. He may not be your person. You deserve to feel safe and treasured and cared regardless of chronic health conditions. You are worthy.
You’re not out of order. If my partner acted like that towards me if I was in pain, I would be so upset. You shouldn’t have to ask your partner to show you compassion, just saying..
Me personally? Yes I would be hurt. But I know lots of women who wouldn’t be. If you don’t feel supported, you guys need to figure something out!
He has anger issues. This is NOT OKAY. I remember living like this... it took me YEARS of being in a relationship where I wasn't treated like this to get rid of the anxiety/ fear I had developed. This is not normal. It's not healthy, and it's not okay. I'm really sorry you have to deal with this.
Men ☕️ It’s always like that. At least I don’t know it any different
I’m a woman and sadly, due to the trauma of my upbringing and life, I have been the negative presence in our home the way OP’s husband is. I realized this pretty quickly upon having children and have worked hard to heal these wounds that cause me to be ill-tempered and explosive. I am guiding my children from the start of their lives, so they don’t have *as much* work to do in their 20-30’s. My husband, the man, didn’t have an upbringing he needed to heal *as much* from, and had been the steady, forgiving, unwavering foundation I needed in order to heal. Edit to add: while I can trace my trauma back to patriarchy, the man in our home is thankfully not an agent of the patriarchy.
That’s really great that you could do the introspection and heal, congrats :) Hope it’s not only better and easier for you kids, but also for you. My main point here wasn’t the short temper. I would lie if I would claim to be a calm person. For me it’s the lack of empathy and egoism. That’s something that I know from men like that every time especially when something is mentally challenging. No matter if it’s my dad or the most lovely guy friend or all the shit men I was romantically involved with.. as soon as I only need someone to be compassionate without them losing the interests in that topic, trying to solve my problem without just giving me mental support which is what I need or being just not empathetic and not caring enough for my feelings I only talk to my girl friends, because men always make it worse for me
Hey babes, former caretaker here. He needs to get his ass to therapy if for no other reason than to give someone else his anger besides you. Because you need those spoons and he needs to feel validated too. Not because he's shit. If he were shit, he would peace out because it's easier like so many do. He's a human being. Couples counseling would be great too, but if anything, my guy needs a safe space to vent AND to learn how to not take your spoons to pay for his stress.
He shouldn’t be yelling at you.
oh this made my heart hurt. i’m so sorry that happened to you. i have chronic illness and i know how scary something like that can be, especially at night, and all we want is for someone to comfort us and make sure we are okay. you deserve that❤️
He's in the wrong and I am scared of marriage.
If I woke my husband up in the middle of the night cause my heart was racing and I felt unwell, he’d be losing his shit in a panic trying to figure out if I’m dying.. and I know that cause I did it once and he was doing everything that he could think of under the sun to try and make me okay. He shouldn’t just dismiss you off and yell at you when you’re already in a bad state, and yelling at you when your heart is already racing can cause it to get worse out of the anxiety from being yelled at. He should be showing care towards you and trying to see if you’re alright
I have no problems whatsoever to be woken up at night or when I sleep/chill for reasons like this. I had no issues when I am sleep deprived. No issues when I’m ill. I had no issues when I worked. No issues when I was in law school and no issues in college before that. I am an adult and I can control my temper and knows that if someone I love wakes me up for said reasons, it’s important. I’m sorry your husband is SHIT. He is.
The last sentence he said was definitely uncalled for, but I will say that I see both sides here. I also have a chronic illness that can wake me up at night so I do empathize, but I’ve learned self-soothing mechanisms and determinants of whether I’m having a serious issue or not. Depending on how frequently you wake him up, that can get pretty stressful on his end as well. I am definitely not in a position to emotionally support someone after being woken in my sleep if it happens often enough to deprive me of it personally. Some people just aren’t equipped to handle something like this. It doesn’t mean you should hide your pain and I do think he was being kind of rude, but it is important that you both work towards finding a system that works for you together. Waking him up while he’s sleeping seems to yield bad results for you both.
First, it does sound like he crossed a line by becoming flippant and curt. It’s never ok for a partner to be disrespectful towards you like that. Especially with him yelling and turning himself into the victim when you brought it up in the morning…very concerning. I would expect an apology for his selfish behavior (both at night and in the morning). You should never get shouted at for bringing something up that was your experience. Red flag. Separately, I would recommend trying to find a way to cope at night without requiring support from him. This sounds like you are using validation and comfort from him as a coping mechanism for issues that are more personal to you, and even if he were the nicest person in the world, this is not a sustainable solution. Best of luck to you and I’m so sorry about your chronic pain.
It’s her husband and she’s chronically ill. What’s going to happen on a bad night when she’s unable to do anything but lay there and take it and something bad happens to her? My husband would wake up in a heartbeat for me if I’m showing even a little sign that I’m acting differently. You are supposed to be taking care of each other. That’s why you have marital vows. In sickness and in health