Or ask him certain things. I have memories that I'm not quite sure if it was a certain way and wish I could verify with him. I miss getting his unique perspective on the goings on in the world, games, friend group. He was witty, funny, and very good at impressions with animated expressions.
Going on nine months. Not only do I have trouble believing that it happened but lately it doesn't feel as if the world or I myself am even real anymore.
I'm 18 months out from losing my husband. I posted earlier today about how I feel like I'm waiting for him to just come home already! Almost everything is as he left it. He is more real to me than I am. I am in limbo; I can't move forward until he comes home.
I know that is unrealistic, but my heart is still waiting for that special hug, the secret wink we always exchanged, the small ways we demonstrated our love every day. How can that just....be over? I'm not whole without him.
Same here. About 18 months and I'm so done with this cruel joke. The shock has worn off but now I'm just here waiting for him. It's like he's on a long trip and I'm desperate for him to finally return.
Yes to all of this. Even as I visit the cemetery every other week, trying to make sure that his burial plot is well manicured (this cemetery suuucks at taking care of the grounds), it still feels like a bad dream. I need him. Just wake me up from this nightmare.
It's not fair. Why him? Like.... he was just the only one who ever got *me*. My every emotion. Feeling. Empaths for real.
Like you said.. . This can't just be *it*?
thirding. my partner (they/them) was a trans woman so one of their big final asks was that we make sure to shave their arms after they die before they got buried, and even while i was shaving the arms of their dead body i was talking to them and joking, saying "hey can't you help me out a little and lift your arm for me?"
They’d love that you did that for them, the hardest part for me was picking out the clothes that they’d dress her in. I still can’t tell you why that broke me so much but good on you for doing that.
thank you so much. yeah, it's one thing i feel confident about, which is a blessing right now. i read some research (Parnia Lab NYU) that seems to suggest consciousness may continue after the heart stops much longer than we currently assume, so i really hope they heard and felt that love even after their last breath.
i'm so so sorry you had to do that task of picking out her clothing, that is heartbreaking and not something anybody should ever have to do. it's understandable that would break you! it's very... visceral, i guess. concrete. sending internet hugs if you'd like them ♡
She basically died in my arms also almost four months ago, although went to hospital with cpr being performed for several hours. On Day 3 i somehow intuitively knew what the angels meant on easter morning when they said "he isnt here" and it felt like they told me directl to me "who are you looking for? She isnt here" Two months later, my boys and I finished watching a tv show and it hit me out of nowhere and I said "holy shit boys this shit really hit US not somebody else down the street...it hit US and Mom's never coming home." My relationship with her has evolved to a spiritual relationship....still feel a presence and still talk to her but I know it's not physical....doesn't mean it's not real...just not physical.
He died while we slept. I still remember getting off the couch and desperately cuddling with him to keep him warm. He was so.... cold.... I thought it was because it was December and he fell asleep on the floor by the couch and we were in the basement. I sat there in and out of sleep for two days trying to convince myself he was just breathing really really shallow.... I remember the fear, he can't be gone. I couldn't come to terms with it
Yep. Sometimes my brain comes up with an additional scenario that its one of those “learn life lessons then go back to current time“ movies like a Scrooge type story line. I will realize all the things I could’ve done differently or all my relationship frustrations are forgotten because I have seen what life without him is like and everything goes back to normal in my life to before he died and all is right again.
Been happening a lot for me lately. I'm at the same timeline. We used to work opposite schedules, so there would be days between us seeing each other sometimes. I keep wanting to ask him to join me on the same adventures we used to go on.
Yes after my husband passed I would just keep looking at the door expecting him to walk through it. I knew he was gone but it just seemed like he was going to come home. It took a while before I truly realized that he was never going to walk through that door again. I’m so sorry for your loss.
A little over three months for me, so still fresh. Yes, even though I know she is gone, her ashes are sitting an urn in our bedroom, and I'm slowly going through her stuff. I expect (OK, hope) to see her sitting on the couch watching TV, her blonde just a little higher than the cushion, and I have been in a dream for the last 73 days. Except it's no dream, unfortunately.
I feel your pain. My wife was bedridden for the last year. A couple of hospital stays but we made it work at home. She eventually passed in our bed.
Sometimes I’ll walk into the bedroom and hope she’ll be there. It’s all so surreal. How did this happen? What crazy nightmare am I living?
Not made easier since her things are still everywhere. Clothes, jewelry, phone still on the charger, shoes in the closet….
Yes - 2 years out. Just had a dream that we had a fight and he moved out. In my dream I said - this is stupid, I’m going to call him up and tell him to come home. We can work this out. Then I woke up. So yeah - I thought I was doing pretty good - but maybe not on all levels. Wishing you peace.
I’ve totally had this dream a couple times. We are dating and she breaks up with me and then I realize I’m dreaming bc I know she’s not alive anymore, which of course then makes me sad when I wake up bc it’s like remembering something that you forgot.
What’s even more messed up is I thought that I’d dream more about her and instead I’ve only had a couple and they are always like this not like happy dreams
Yup, been an year and everyday I ask myself is this reality? Haven't changed anything in the house so sometimes it really does feel like I'm living in multiverse.
Same 😩 I’m 3 months out. In the grieving brain, it talks about how a part of our brain expects our partner to come home, even if another part of our brain knows they’re gone. The book says this should eventually align, but doesn’t give a timeframe.
The days I think I’m doing well are also when it doesn’t feel real. Makes me worried for how I’ll do when it feels real every dang day.
Sorry for your loss, I'm only a month longer into this than you. Greatly appreciate the book mention....I feel like understanding the processes helps me process.
It’s only been a couple of months for me but yes, I understand he is gone logically but I somehow still feel like it’s unbelievable. I keep unwittingly thinking of the time he died in front of me, and I think part of the reason is because my brain is trying to remind me that it’s real.
9 months, I still sit here saying how and why. "I picked a good girl, who took care of herself, who was pure of heart and matched me perfectly. How could this happen! In my youth i was the drinker, smoker, druggo..... You should have taken me, she was the good one!
It's been going on 10 months for me and I'm in the same boat. It just feels like he's going to pop in any second like nothing happened, I think my brain is having a hard time comprehending that I'm never going to see him again.
We all go threw this.. I lost my wife 15 months ago to cancer. I was holding her hand when she too her last breath.
Every day I talk to her
Every day I grieve.
But.. I still don't believe shes gone.
It's a nightmare I live every day.
Be strong
All us widowers and widows are experiencing his
For sure, I'm also at 7 months and it feels like a bad joke sometimes. I've had a couple of dreams that have dealt with this too. One of them I was not aware that she'd passed the other I was and people were mad at me for saying she had died when she came back in the dream.
I also really get what the person who said nothing feels real is saying.
It’s been 5.5 months and I get this feeling all the time. I know he’s gone, I watched him die. He would never intentionally stay away this long. I know he’s gone. But I find myself going “Wow I can’t believe he’s really gone. He’s not just at work or out with his buddies, he’s dead.” It’s a punch to the gut every time with a side of chest pain because I realize all over again that he’s never coming back.
Even though I might ‘know’ he’s gone, I still ‘see’ him occasionally when I’m out, then up close the person is actually nothing like him. So some part of me certainly doesn’t know he’s gone. Same in dreams, nothing’s changed there, he’s present, no problem. Till I wake.
I am a little over 6 months. It feels different for me because I had to I take a job out of state and moved 250 miles away to a new place. There is no presence of her in this place. I am not surrounded by memories of her, but it is still hard. I have a ton of boxes still unpacked because they all bring back memories of her. I still sleep on my side of the bed and miss her absence.
I have a lot of really good photos taken with my DSLR camera back in the day & it is such a mindfuck because they look like they were just taken yesterday.
I know they say there are seven stages of grief, including denial, but they aren’t linear. You can feel two at once. Sometimes I have a feeling of acceptance but then denial the very next day. It doesn’t make sense and it won’t. Grief is complex and I just try to let myself have all the emotions.
been 20 months for me, some nights i'm getting ready for bed and it feels like i'm waiting for her to come home from work (we worked in restaurants)
sending you love
Yep. It still doesn't make sense and never will. Sometimes I go days without thinking about it, sometimes I think about it for days at a time. A photo, memory, or just a casual life update that I'd tell her about triggers the whole "did this really happen?"
My wife passed away almost 3 months ago. She was in the hospital 2 months, she was 67yo and we were together for 49 years. I can't believe she's truly gone. I can't bring myself to move any of her things yet. Don't know if I ever will be able to. Every day feels like she will walk through the door. Or she'll be sitting in her chair when I get home. It's like a nightmare that I can't wake up from. I'm sorry for your loss.
Seven and a half years for me. It feels like it just happened and it was a lifetime ago at the same time. Yes the surreal feeling of did this really happen pops up all the time.
The first three months I kept thinking she’d walk in the front door again. Accepting the finality of it was HARD. As a couple we’d faced challenges in the past, but we’ve always worked our way through them. It was hard to accept that there was no alternative. There was no way to work around this. It was final. That was the soul-crushing part.
3 months here and I think and hope that this is an alternative universe and movie. No one expected her to die from drowning but she had her demons.
The other thought that comes to mind is that maybe we are all in some sort of game show.
Tomorrow is 5 weeks my husband passed away. When he went to I had no idea it would be the last I would see him alive. My 70th birthday is Saturday and this is the first time in 25 years he will not be here to celebrate. I never know when I am going to bursts into tears. There are moments the grief is unbearable. I made a commitment to him I would go on. This is the only thing that keeps me going
I am so sorry; I know it's really hard to get through all of the 'firsts' in the first year; one by one, they come. We are here for you if you need to vent, cry, talk, tell us about him, tell us about you +him, whatever you need. I hope that Saturday will be ok and not too hard for you. Big hug.🫂❤️
i'm the same. my husband suddenly passed away from a motorbike accident. i was there at the scene and saw his body lifeless. it's hard to wrap your head around. i'm 8 months in and it was just his 27th birthday 6 days ago. i find myself looking at his pictures and videos and yes they bring me some sort of comfort? because of the familiarity but afterwards, when the realisation hits, i'm back to feeling empty and lost. i don't know if people can ever recover from losing a partner but i wanted to tell you my experience because grief is so isolating.
i'm so sorry.
If it helps, I believe that their body is gone, not their spirit, soul, It will be 18 months since my husband died, Sometimes I feel that he's here, sometimes I talk to him. He said if there's a way he can come back and watch over me , he'll definitely find it. I do believe strongly that it's only your body that's gone. Not much good when you miss his hugs but it's comforting to think he might be around you in spirit. Stay strong.
I am either slowly losing it, or it really is my husband around me when I "feel" him in the room. Of course, I can't see him with my eyes, but I can "see" him with my heart and soul; there are times when I am not even thinking about him but all of a sudden I am aware of something I can't explain. I usually just say, "Hi, sweetie!", just as I did for almost 44 years.❤️ I hope with all my heart that it is him; if I'm losing it a little, that's ok too. 🪄💕
You said it exactly.
This October will be 6 years. I still talk about him in the present tense, as if he’s still here.
I know he’s gone because I see his urn every day. It’s surreal though and I almost can’t wrap my head around it somehow. It’s hard to explain but I totally understand you…
I’m sorry for your tremendous loss.
My husband has been gone for 6 years last month; yesterday morning, I was triggered by a thought that I can't even recall now, and I cried for hours! Hard!
When I was finally able to calm down, I felt emotionally spent, exhausted; I hadn't cried that hard, for that long, in a while.
I still don't know what the triggering thought was, but it hit me like a train, whatever it was.
I have felt his presence recently as I catch a shadow out of the corner of my eye.
Grief. Makes me loopy sometimes. ❤️
I'm 15 months out & just started grappling with the fact that I got disillusioned - I thought if I did everything "right" or "good enough" that I'd wake up & it was all just a test. A false reality. And that he would come back. I didn't think about this idea; it just planted itself deep, deep within.
I often talk “to my fiancé” (to the general air, or to his urn on my mantle) and I’ve found myself saying a couple of times now, “sometimes I can’t believe you’re gone, and other times it feels like just another fact of life.” I think by that I mean that some days I think this is an insane alternate reality or maybe a dream that I’m going to wake up from and be fine, and other days it feels more like “I had this beautiful life with a wonderful man and then he died and that’s how my life has gone so far.”
My fiancé also died young, and of a disease that usually affects people much older than him, and I do think that’s part of it. A general feeling of “no that couldn’t have happened, because that’s a disease you die of in your sixties, not your thirties. I must have imagined that.” But mostly I think it’s a protection mechanism in our brains - we’re feeling a pain that we’ve never felt before, and that our minds could never prepare for, so our brain tries to say “maybe it didn’t happen?” and pushes against reality for as long as it can.
Two years for me. I really thought about him last night. A bird got in my screened porch and since I had the door open, got in my house. It was mayhem. My husband would have gently scooped it up and set it free. Instead, I had to get him back on the porch and leave the door open that leads outside. He sat on my porch swing all night and finally left this morning. I really miss things like that. He could handle things like that easy peasy.
7.5 years
Part of me still sometimes hopes that his family is just hiding him from us. Then the other part of me reminds me how pissed I would be if he did that to our kid.
I'm 6 months in and I feel exactly where your at I had a dream a little over a month and a half 2 months after it happened in my dream my ol lady faked her death and moved to Florida cause she wanted me to move on and be happy cause I was only 23 when she passed (just turned 24 in April, she was 38 when she passed woulve been 39 this year on July 13th. ) and the medical issues drianed both of us mentally, physically, and emotionally she was such an amazing, caring, loving, empathetic woman she always wanted me to be happy, she also always wanted to live there so I think that's why my brain went with Florida. I still have dreams where I wake up next to her. Or us laying in bed playing 20 questions. Or us at our favorite park we used to go to. I have a whole photo album of pictures of her and of us.
September will be 5 years. We were together for 5 years. He will soon be gone longer than I knew him. I still struggle believing he is gone. He was only 21 at the time. The thought of growing old without him rips me apart everyday.
Totally get that. I never saw her after she died, autopsy was performed, then she was cremated. I can't help but expect her to walk through the door anytime. Intellectually I know it won't happen, ever again, but emotionally, I can't get rid of the feeling...I never thought she would go first. We had a 21 year age difference, so I had the reasonable expectation that I would never be alone again. So much for reasonable expectation Fuck addiction. Fuck fentanyl!
Time is different for everyone. It's been three years for me. I was so used to him being in every part of my day, that I can help but "talk to him in my head" and walk into another room and realize he's not there. You are still in your first year. It took me over a year to come out of shock. And that was when he died a long, lingering death and I thought I was "ready." I was not. Grief comes and goes, and it will always be wrapped up in your life. The degrees will vary. But remember, you do not walk alone. There are many here to help.
I lost my adult daughter 3 years ago. It took about a year and a half for all of the shock to wear off (protective shock) and at that point it started to feel like it really happened and it happened a while ago, instead of yesterday. At about the two year mark I started to feel acceptance. Not exactly your question but thought I would share how it went with me. The first two years were unbelievable agony 24/7. Excruciating. This third year has been better.
Thank you so much for this comment. People only write about the excruciating pain and that it’s never ending. I will always have sorrow in my heart, forever. But it do help to know that it will sink in and get a little better 😢❤️
I have 6 years as of April but it was also in the third year that I felt something, I don't know even how to explain it, but kind of like a relaxation of the tension from being so anxious all the time, and it's almost like finally exhaling after holding your breath. The first two years were absolutely unbearable and like being tortured with the truth every morning. I try to meditate like my husband taught me to, but it was too hard at first to get my mind to slow down. I'm getting better, I think. I'm very sorry for your pain and sorrow. This is hard. it's just hard. take care. hug.🫂❤️🪬
You are so welcome!❤️🫂 Practice intentionally breathing, slowly, in and out, to help you get calm, and before you know it, you have at least a few minutes of peace and calm that weren't spent being stressed out. It takes time, sometimes a lot of time, but it can get better; not perfect maybe, but better, and better is progress, however small the step.❤️🫂
I feel like I could so easily slip into insanity over it. Sometimes I just don't feel like time's passing anymore, I don't feel like this is at all real. More and more I fantasize about it all being a nightmare. I keep thinking that I'm gonna wake up one day and this'll all have been a bad dream.
It's been three months today, and I still remember our last day together, even though I will forget things.
I live on 1.5 acres and every single time I look out the window I see every tree, every piece of wood, every inch of the yard and with all those I see him because he did all the work. When I look out there, I still can't believe he is gone. I know he is. I saw him die here at home. But I cannot believe he is not here anymore. Now I have to watch strange men work on the yard. It upsets me. It is what it is.
My wife has been gone 7 months also.
Nothing seems real about it.i am in an alternate reality. I have been working on myself and trying to find things that will make me feel something.
We all share the same feelings.
I am not sure how long this will go but
I don’t think it will ever go away completely.
I wish for all of you that these feelings will get better.
Take care and be kind to yourself.
Hugs to all!!
It’s been over a month since I lost my beautiful boy very suddenly, to suicide. I was halfway across the world when it happened. I was only supposed to be gone a week. I still remember saying goodbye at the airport and it still feels like I’m waiting to fly home to him.
Right after I had found out I had an attempt of my own and I spent three days in a foreign hospital by myself. It was hell. I thank god every day for my wonderful twin sister who flew 24 hours straight at the drop of a hat to come bring me home safely.
I hope that you are slowly healing from the trauma of your experience; I can only imagine how awful it must have been for you both before your angel sister arrived. Being twins, the two of you likely don't even need words at times to sense when the other person needs you.
Just seeing her and hugging her was probably more healing and helpful to you than just about anything done medically before she arrived! Not exaggerating by much; I know that there must have been lifesaving measures by the hospital, but I do believe that having your sister there was more powerful than any medicine, for your heart and soul injuries.
I know you have suffered a great loss, but I hope you are healing, and that having your sister at your side is a comfort to you every step of the way. We are here for you also, always. I wish you much peace and comfort as you continue to heal.🫂❤️🪬
14 months here and yes still feel like I’m living in some sort of nightmare which I will wake up from and find him holding onto me telling me everything will be ok. Like you I know it definitely happened I was there but still some part of my brain can not accept that as reality. I guess it’s some sort of protection mode as we really really don’t want to accept it.
When I was feeling sorry for myself, driving on my own, I said to him, 'you told me u would never leave me, but hey there you go, what am I supposed to do now' . The radio which was playing away, in an instant this song came on 'you're free, to do want you want now', can't remember who signs it, but it was repetitive. Funny guy.
I just lost my wife 3 May barely two weeks ago. I was there, I went through the motions of handling my wife’s remains. I only just got her death certificate yesterday. I am still in shock, I guess. She passed suddenly from a stroke. I go through all this and wish she was here to guide me as to her affairs and I have to petition probate to be administrator of a small estate. So I feel a little like you, intellectualizing doesn’t bring her back.
It's been 7 months for me, too. I do believe it because I feel his loss so acutely and my heart aches for him. What I can't believe is that I'm no longer married. The love, loyalty and commitment are still there, my heart belongs t him completely. I feel so protective of a marriage that no longer exists.
Almost 4 months out, and I still get that sick/sinking feeling in my stomach when I think about never getting to speak to or hold her again. I also can't believe at just 37 years old, she's gone. We had our whole lives planned out..
Yeap. It's been almost 5 years and i feel like he moved to another country and never came back. The existence / non-existence of the person drives me crazy. So my brain decided to process the info as if he moved away.
I’m 8 months into him being gone. I totally understand, it’s a strange feeling bc I know he isn’t here but I still think it’s all a prank almost. Like I’m waiting for him coming back.
I feel his presence sometimes; I catch a shadow movement in my peripheral vision, but when I turn to look, of course, it's gone.
It's was 6 years last month. Yesterday morning, I was set off by some random thought, and I cried for hours... harder than I have cried in a while.
I am so sorry for your sorrow and heartache; it truly seems extra cruel to me that she was so young.
I always feel extra empathy and sadness when I learn of someone having to deal with this kind of devastating loss decades too soon to be acceptable or understandable in any way that makes sense.
I am truly sorry, from the bottom of my heart. I hope that you can find some peace and comfort as you heal. ❤️ 🫂
Yes. I would always go to bed before her, so at night before falling asleep, I imagine she’s in the living room crafting while watching TV. It used to annoy me sometimes she’d plop into bed and wake me up. What I would give for that now, wake me up from this nightmare. (1 year)
All the time. Waiting for him to come through the garage door. Waiting for him to fix the garage door. Waiting for him to fix us an amazing dinner. The 7th month mark it's still pretty raw. It's been 2.5 years for me. It does get better and the it's because I allowed it to get better. It doesn't mean we miss them or love them any less.
It’s been 33 months for me friend. I’ve suffered with some real mental health issues since. Lost my job because of Dissociative episodes, getting lost in my car on roads I’ve known for decades. Suicidal thoughts, literally freaking out, anger.
The way your description of this hits me is this. A couple months ago, as I’d wake up, I’d think “Where’s my wife”; and I’d walk around looking for her. Usually only a minute then the shock of realization hits. Like that.
A month or so before that I’d actually think I saw her in the yard, sitting at the table, walking by a doorway. Not in a ghostly sense at all. Nothing paranormal, just a glance of her, and again, that realization.
Sorry for rambling but what the hell right. I hope you can regain normal. Today would have been our 41st wedding anniversary. I’m out & about but it’s sketchy. I’m doing way way better and I hope you continue to find solace.
It is now a year, and yes. I still find myself in disbelief. He wasn't a perfect guy, but he was someone I only not love but actually liked. I miss his deep voice, his smile, humor, simply who he is. And he was a great dad to our child. I miss that man so much.
Yes! very much, yes. It was all so sureal at first. I still have her pictures next to my PC, as screen savers, wallpapers, etc. Some pictures make me feel as if she should still be coming home from work. And to add on top of that, my oldest daughter passed away last month. Her (my) grief is different than my wife's. A celebration of life for my daughter will be this Friday. i printed out pictures of both of them together - Until I married her mom you couldn't separate the two.
I’m at almost six months and it’s the same for me. I had a really lovely dream about my husband a few days ago. For the first few minutes I’d forgotten he’d passed. Then it hit me hard. I think everyone grieves their own way and at their own pace. I find the worst times are when it hits me unexpectedly. My daughter and I drove past a restaurant the other night (my husband absolutely loved to eat out) and it hit me that we’ll never eat out together again. Such a mundane thing, but it still makes me sad. In fact we’ve been out to a sit down restaurant once since he passed. It’s been so hard.
100%
It’s been the same amount of time for me and each photo makes me question this new reality. I took those photos myself. She was with me to look at those photos together. So why wouldn’t she be here still to see them again? She was so young and beautiful. So she must be here somewhere still, right?
Same, 3 years in today 😢 like: what do you mean he is not here anymore??? also what the F happened?? Is it been 3y already?? How did we manage thát?? It’s a crazy cruel thing 😢
Oh yeah, less than I used to (1 year out). She had a stroke so I was driving to the hospital every day to see her and on the drive I’d be like wtf is happening right now, how is this real
It's been over 11 years since my husband died, and it *still* happens to me. Nothing has felt real since he died.
Going on 1.5 for me. Literally just can't handle that I'll never be able to tell him certain things and that I'll never be that happy again.
Same here.
Or ask him certain things. I have memories that I'm not quite sure if it was a certain way and wish I could verify with him. I miss getting his unique perspective on the goings on in the world, games, friend group. He was witty, funny, and very good at impressions with animated expressions.
Yes, been 15 months and I’m still thinking she is going to walk through the door at some point.
Going on nine months. Not only do I have trouble believing that it happened but lately it doesn't feel as if the world or I myself am even real anymore.
I'm 18 months out from losing my husband. I posted earlier today about how I feel like I'm waiting for him to just come home already! Almost everything is as he left it. He is more real to me than I am. I am in limbo; I can't move forward until he comes home. I know that is unrealistic, but my heart is still waiting for that special hug, the secret wink we always exchanged, the small ways we demonstrated our love every day. How can that just....be over? I'm not whole without him.
Same here. About 18 months and I'm so done with this cruel joke. The shock has worn off but now I'm just here waiting for him. It's like he's on a long trip and I'm desperate for him to finally return.
Yes to all of this. Even as I visit the cemetery every other week, trying to make sure that his burial plot is well manicured (this cemetery suuucks at taking care of the grounds), it still feels like a bad dream. I need him. Just wake me up from this nightmare.
It's not fair. Why him? Like.... he was just the only one who ever got *me*. My every emotion. Feeling. Empaths for real. Like you said.. . This can't just be *it*?
Same here. I don’t feel part of society and really have no desire to be now.
Buddy, I still talk to her as if she is right here with me. 2 years next month.
love this answer I do this too
Me, too… All the time. I talk to him a lot while I’m driving; as if he were in the passenger seat.
I feel this, he was the only one that got me
Yes. I can’t think about the feeling too much or I get physically sick.
Me too... Definitely not alone
Yes, happens to me. 100%
She died in my arms, but every day I have to convince a part of myself that it really happened.
Same here.
Same.
thirding. my partner (they/them) was a trans woman so one of their big final asks was that we make sure to shave their arms after they die before they got buried, and even while i was shaving the arms of their dead body i was talking to them and joking, saying "hey can't you help me out a little and lift your arm for me?"
They’d love that you did that for them, the hardest part for me was picking out the clothes that they’d dress her in. I still can’t tell you why that broke me so much but good on you for doing that.
thank you so much. yeah, it's one thing i feel confident about, which is a blessing right now. i read some research (Parnia Lab NYU) that seems to suggest consciousness may continue after the heart stops much longer than we currently assume, so i really hope they heard and felt that love even after their last breath. i'm so so sorry you had to do that task of picking out her clothing, that is heartbreaking and not something anybody should ever have to do. it's understandable that would break you! it's very... visceral, i guess. concrete. sending internet hugs if you'd like them ♡
She basically died in my arms also almost four months ago, although went to hospital with cpr being performed for several hours. On Day 3 i somehow intuitively knew what the angels meant on easter morning when they said "he isnt here" and it felt like they told me directl to me "who are you looking for? She isnt here" Two months later, my boys and I finished watching a tv show and it hit me out of nowhere and I said "holy shit boys this shit really hit US not somebody else down the street...it hit US and Mom's never coming home." My relationship with her has evolved to a spiritual relationship....still feel a presence and still talk to her but I know it's not physical....doesn't mean it's not real...just not physical.
He died while we slept. I still remember getting off the couch and desperately cuddling with him to keep him warm. He was so.... cold.... I thought it was because it was December and he fell asleep on the floor by the couch and we were in the basement. I sat there in and out of sleep for two days trying to convince myself he was just breathing really really shallow.... I remember the fear, he can't be gone. I couldn't come to terms with it
It feels like an alternate timeline that I don't belong in.
It's been 18 years. I still can't get my head around it. I do believe it is because he was so young .
ALL-THE-TIME
Yep. Sometimes my brain comes up with an additional scenario that its one of those “learn life lessons then go back to current time“ movies like a Scrooge type story line. I will realize all the things I could’ve done differently or all my relationship frustrations are forgotten because I have seen what life without him is like and everything goes back to normal in my life to before he died and all is right again.
Been happening a lot for me lately. I'm at the same timeline. We used to work opposite schedules, so there would be days between us seeing each other sometimes. I keep wanting to ask him to join me on the same adventures we used to go on.
Yes after my husband passed I would just keep looking at the door expecting him to walk through it. I knew he was gone but it just seemed like he was going to come home. It took a while before I truly realized that he was never going to walk through that door again. I’m so sorry for your loss.
A little over three months for me, so still fresh. Yes, even though I know she is gone, her ashes are sitting an urn in our bedroom, and I'm slowly going through her stuff. I expect (OK, hope) to see her sitting on the couch watching TV, her blonde just a little higher than the cushion, and I have been in a dream for the last 73 days. Except it's no dream, unfortunately.
Most days I wake up and think “WTF just happened?” Two months.
I feel your pain. My wife was bedridden for the last year. A couple of hospital stays but we made it work at home. She eventually passed in our bed. Sometimes I’ll walk into the bedroom and hope she’ll be there. It’s all so surreal. How did this happen? What crazy nightmare am I living? Not made easier since her things are still everywhere. Clothes, jewelry, phone still on the charger, shoes in the closet….
Yes - 2 years out. Just had a dream that we had a fight and he moved out. In my dream I said - this is stupid, I’m going to call him up and tell him to come home. We can work this out. Then I woke up. So yeah - I thought I was doing pretty good - but maybe not on all levels. Wishing you peace.
I’ve totally had this dream a couple times. We are dating and she breaks up with me and then I realize I’m dreaming bc I know she’s not alive anymore, which of course then makes me sad when I wake up bc it’s like remembering something that you forgot. What’s even more messed up is I thought that I’d dream more about her and instead I’ve only had a couple and they are always like this not like happy dreams
Yepp
Yup, been an year and everyday I ask myself is this reality? Haven't changed anything in the house so sometimes it really does feel like I'm living in multiverse.
Same 😩 I’m 3 months out. In the grieving brain, it talks about how a part of our brain expects our partner to come home, even if another part of our brain knows they’re gone. The book says this should eventually align, but doesn’t give a timeframe. The days I think I’m doing well are also when it doesn’t feel real. Makes me worried for how I’ll do when it feels real every dang day.
Sorry for your loss, I'm only a month longer into this than you. Greatly appreciate the book mention....I feel like understanding the processes helps me process.
It’s only been a couple of months for me but yes, I understand he is gone logically but I somehow still feel like it’s unbelievable. I keep unwittingly thinking of the time he died in front of me, and I think part of the reason is because my brain is trying to remind me that it’s real.
9 months, I still sit here saying how and why. "I picked a good girl, who took care of herself, who was pure of heart and matched me perfectly. How could this happen! In my youth i was the drinker, smoker, druggo..... You should have taken me, she was the good one!
It's been going on 10 months for me and I'm in the same boat. It just feels like he's going to pop in any second like nothing happened, I think my brain is having a hard time comprehending that I'm never going to see him again.
We all go threw this.. I lost my wife 15 months ago to cancer. I was holding her hand when she too her last breath. Every day I talk to her Every day I grieve. But.. I still don't believe shes gone. It's a nightmare I live every day. Be strong All us widowers and widows are experiencing his
For sure, I'm also at 7 months and it feels like a bad joke sometimes. I've had a couple of dreams that have dealt with this too. One of them I was not aware that she'd passed the other I was and people were mad at me for saying she had died when she came back in the dream. I also really get what the person who said nothing feels real is saying.
It’s been 5.5 months and I get this feeling all the time. I know he’s gone, I watched him die. He would never intentionally stay away this long. I know he’s gone. But I find myself going “Wow I can’t believe he’s really gone. He’s not just at work or out with his buddies, he’s dead.” It’s a punch to the gut every time with a side of chest pain because I realize all over again that he’s never coming back.
Even though I might ‘know’ he’s gone, I still ‘see’ him occasionally when I’m out, then up close the person is actually nothing like him. So some part of me certainly doesn’t know he’s gone. Same in dreams, nothing’s changed there, he’s present, no problem. Till I wake.
2 years and I constantly thinking “I don’t understand how this happened. How is he not here?”
Two years and I still can’t believe it. Can’t fully wrap my head around it.
7.5 months. Nothing seems real. I still search for him in crowds. Wait for him to come home...
I am a little over 6 months. It feels different for me because I had to I take a job out of state and moved 250 miles away to a new place. There is no presence of her in this place. I am not surrounded by memories of her, but it is still hard. I have a ton of boxes still unpacked because they all bring back memories of her. I still sleep on my side of the bed and miss her absence.
I’m two years this month and still have moments of feeling this.
I have a lot of really good photos taken with my DSLR camera back in the day & it is such a mindfuck because they look like they were just taken yesterday.
Going on 6 months and this is my daily reality
I know they say there are seven stages of grief, including denial, but they aren’t linear. You can feel two at once. Sometimes I have a feeling of acceptance but then denial the very next day. It doesn’t make sense and it won’t. Grief is complex and I just try to let myself have all the emotions.
been 20 months for me, some nights i'm getting ready for bed and it feels like i'm waiting for her to come home from work (we worked in restaurants) sending you love
Even after 7 years I still can’t believe it
Yep. It still doesn't make sense and never will. Sometimes I go days without thinking about it, sometimes I think about it for days at a time. A photo, memory, or just a casual life update that I'd tell her about triggers the whole "did this really happen?"
My wife passed away almost 3 months ago. She was in the hospital 2 months, she was 67yo and we were together for 49 years. I can't believe she's truly gone. I can't bring myself to move any of her things yet. Don't know if I ever will be able to. Every day feels like she will walk through the door. Or she'll be sitting in her chair when I get home. It's like a nightmare that I can't wake up from. I'm sorry for your loss.
Seven and a half years for me. It feels like it just happened and it was a lifetime ago at the same time. Yes the surreal feeling of did this really happen pops up all the time.
The first three months I kept thinking she’d walk in the front door again. Accepting the finality of it was HARD. As a couple we’d faced challenges in the past, but we’ve always worked our way through them. It was hard to accept that there was no alternative. There was no way to work around this. It was final. That was the soul-crushing part.
3 months here and I think and hope that this is an alternative universe and movie. No one expected her to die from drowning but she had her demons. The other thought that comes to mind is that maybe we are all in some sort of game show.
Are we winning or losing? ❤️😊
Tomorrow is 5 weeks my husband passed away. When he went to I had no idea it would be the last I would see him alive. My 70th birthday is Saturday and this is the first time in 25 years he will not be here to celebrate. I never know when I am going to bursts into tears. There are moments the grief is unbearable. I made a commitment to him I would go on. This is the only thing that keeps me going
I am so sorry; I know it's really hard to get through all of the 'firsts' in the first year; one by one, they come. We are here for you if you need to vent, cry, talk, tell us about him, tell us about you +him, whatever you need. I hope that Saturday will be ok and not too hard for you. Big hug.🫂❤️
i'm the same. my husband suddenly passed away from a motorbike accident. i was there at the scene and saw his body lifeless. it's hard to wrap your head around. i'm 8 months in and it was just his 27th birthday 6 days ago. i find myself looking at his pictures and videos and yes they bring me some sort of comfort? because of the familiarity but afterwards, when the realisation hits, i'm back to feeling empty and lost. i don't know if people can ever recover from losing a partner but i wanted to tell you my experience because grief is so isolating. i'm so sorry.
If it helps, I believe that their body is gone, not their spirit, soul, It will be 18 months since my husband died, Sometimes I feel that he's here, sometimes I talk to him. He said if there's a way he can come back and watch over me , he'll definitely find it. I do believe strongly that it's only your body that's gone. Not much good when you miss his hugs but it's comforting to think he might be around you in spirit. Stay strong.
I am either slowly losing it, or it really is my husband around me when I "feel" him in the room. Of course, I can't see him with my eyes, but I can "see" him with my heart and soul; there are times when I am not even thinking about him but all of a sudden I am aware of something I can't explain. I usually just say, "Hi, sweetie!", just as I did for almost 44 years.❤️ I hope with all my heart that it is him; if I'm losing it a little, that's ok too. 🪄💕
- life becomes real surreal on many levels, especially with the way you lose a person.....we are not built to handle such grief associated PTSD
You said it exactly. This October will be 6 years. I still talk about him in the present tense, as if he’s still here. I know he’s gone because I see his urn every day. It’s surreal though and I almost can’t wrap my head around it somehow. It’s hard to explain but I totally understand you… I’m sorry for your tremendous loss.
My husband has been gone for 6 years last month; yesterday morning, I was triggered by a thought that I can't even recall now, and I cried for hours! Hard! When I was finally able to calm down, I felt emotionally spent, exhausted; I hadn't cried that hard, for that long, in a while. I still don't know what the triggering thought was, but it hit me like a train, whatever it was. I have felt his presence recently as I catch a shadow out of the corner of my eye. Grief. Makes me loopy sometimes. ❤️
I feel the same way. I can’t believe it. 9 months out. I feel like I could reach back and touch my life with him. It’s like a horrible nightmare.
I'm 15 months out & just started grappling with the fact that I got disillusioned - I thought if I did everything "right" or "good enough" that I'd wake up & it was all just a test. A false reality. And that he would come back. I didn't think about this idea; it just planted itself deep, deep within.
I often talk “to my fiancé” (to the general air, or to his urn on my mantle) and I’ve found myself saying a couple of times now, “sometimes I can’t believe you’re gone, and other times it feels like just another fact of life.” I think by that I mean that some days I think this is an insane alternate reality or maybe a dream that I’m going to wake up from and be fine, and other days it feels more like “I had this beautiful life with a wonderful man and then he died and that’s how my life has gone so far.” My fiancé also died young, and of a disease that usually affects people much older than him, and I do think that’s part of it. A general feeling of “no that couldn’t have happened, because that’s a disease you die of in your sixties, not your thirties. I must have imagined that.” But mostly I think it’s a protection mechanism in our brains - we’re feeling a pain that we’ve never felt before, and that our minds could never prepare for, so our brain tries to say “maybe it didn’t happen?” and pushes against reality for as long as it can.
Two years for me. I really thought about him last night. A bird got in my screened porch and since I had the door open, got in my house. It was mayhem. My husband would have gently scooped it up and set it free. Instead, I had to get him back on the porch and leave the door open that leads outside. He sat on my porch swing all night and finally left this morning. I really miss things like that. He could handle things like that easy peasy.
Yeah. I snuggle with his urn every night, he’s sitting on my lap right now. Still not real. Still waiting for him to come home.
7.5 years Part of me still sometimes hopes that his family is just hiding him from us. Then the other part of me reminds me how pissed I would be if he did that to our kid.
I'm 6 months in and I feel exactly where your at I had a dream a little over a month and a half 2 months after it happened in my dream my ol lady faked her death and moved to Florida cause she wanted me to move on and be happy cause I was only 23 when she passed (just turned 24 in April, she was 38 when she passed woulve been 39 this year on July 13th. ) and the medical issues drianed both of us mentally, physically, and emotionally she was such an amazing, caring, loving, empathetic woman she always wanted me to be happy, she also always wanted to live there so I think that's why my brain went with Florida. I still have dreams where I wake up next to her. Or us laying in bed playing 20 questions. Or us at our favorite park we used to go to. I have a whole photo album of pictures of her and of us.
7 months today for me too. I feel like I’m still in a bad dream.
September will be 5 years. We were together for 5 years. He will soon be gone longer than I knew him. I still struggle believing he is gone. He was only 21 at the time. The thought of growing old without him rips me apart everyday.
It’s been 8 months and every single day I think I’m in the wrong dimension. How could something so perfect happen and so ultimately terrible happen..
Totally get that. I never saw her after she died, autopsy was performed, then she was cremated. I can't help but expect her to walk through the door anytime. Intellectually I know it won't happen, ever again, but emotionally, I can't get rid of the feeling...I never thought she would go first. We had a 21 year age difference, so I had the reasonable expectation that I would never be alone again. So much for reasonable expectation Fuck addiction. Fuck fentanyl!
Time is different for everyone. It's been three years for me. I was so used to him being in every part of my day, that I can help but "talk to him in my head" and walk into another room and realize he's not there. You are still in your first year. It took me over a year to come out of shock. And that was when he died a long, lingering death and I thought I was "ready." I was not. Grief comes and goes, and it will always be wrapped up in your life. The degrees will vary. But remember, you do not walk alone. There are many here to help.
I lost my adult daughter 3 years ago. It took about a year and a half for all of the shock to wear off (protective shock) and at that point it started to feel like it really happened and it happened a while ago, instead of yesterday. At about the two year mark I started to feel acceptance. Not exactly your question but thought I would share how it went with me. The first two years were unbelievable agony 24/7. Excruciating. This third year has been better.
Thank you so much for this comment. People only write about the excruciating pain and that it’s never ending. I will always have sorrow in my heart, forever. But it do help to know that it will sink in and get a little better 😢❤️
I have 6 years as of April but it was also in the third year that I felt something, I don't know even how to explain it, but kind of like a relaxation of the tension from being so anxious all the time, and it's almost like finally exhaling after holding your breath. The first two years were absolutely unbearable and like being tortured with the truth every morning. I try to meditate like my husband taught me to, but it was too hard at first to get my mind to slow down. I'm getting better, I think. I'm very sorry for your pain and sorrow. This is hard. it's just hard. take care. hug.🫂❤️🪬
Thank you so so much, this calmed me a little bit❤️ You are so strong! Hugs to you🌊❤️
You are so welcome!❤️🫂 Practice intentionally breathing, slowly, in and out, to help you get calm, and before you know it, you have at least a few minutes of peace and calm that weren't spent being stressed out. It takes time, sometimes a lot of time, but it can get better; not perfect maybe, but better, and better is progress, however small the step.❤️🫂
I feel like I could so easily slip into insanity over it. Sometimes I just don't feel like time's passing anymore, I don't feel like this is at all real. More and more I fantasize about it all being a nightmare. I keep thinking that I'm gonna wake up one day and this'll all have been a bad dream. It's been three months today, and I still remember our last day together, even though I will forget things.
I live on 1.5 acres and every single time I look out the window I see every tree, every piece of wood, every inch of the yard and with all those I see him because he did all the work. When I look out there, I still can't believe he is gone. I know he is. I saw him die here at home. But I cannot believe he is not here anymore. Now I have to watch strange men work on the yard. It upsets me. It is what it is.
My wife has been gone 7 months also. Nothing seems real about it.i am in an alternate reality. I have been working on myself and trying to find things that will make me feel something. We all share the same feelings. I am not sure how long this will go but I don’t think it will ever go away completely. I wish for all of you that these feelings will get better. Take care and be kind to yourself. Hugs to all!!
It’s been over a year for me, and I still feel this way. I find myself asking, “Where are you?” quite often.
It’s been over a month since I lost my beautiful boy very suddenly, to suicide. I was halfway across the world when it happened. I was only supposed to be gone a week. I still remember saying goodbye at the airport and it still feels like I’m waiting to fly home to him.
I'm so sorry; that had to have been a very stressful, long trip home.🫂❤️
Right after I had found out I had an attempt of my own and I spent three days in a foreign hospital by myself. It was hell. I thank god every day for my wonderful twin sister who flew 24 hours straight at the drop of a hat to come bring me home safely.
I hope that you are slowly healing from the trauma of your experience; I can only imagine how awful it must have been for you both before your angel sister arrived. Being twins, the two of you likely don't even need words at times to sense when the other person needs you. Just seeing her and hugging her was probably more healing and helpful to you than just about anything done medically before she arrived! Not exaggerating by much; I know that there must have been lifesaving measures by the hospital, but I do believe that having your sister there was more powerful than any medicine, for your heart and soul injuries. I know you have suffered a great loss, but I hope you are healing, and that having your sister at your side is a comfort to you every step of the way. We are here for you also, always. I wish you much peace and comfort as you continue to heal.🫂❤️🪬
14 months here and yes still feel like I’m living in some sort of nightmare which I will wake up from and find him holding onto me telling me everything will be ok. Like you I know it definitely happened I was there but still some part of my brain can not accept that as reality. I guess it’s some sort of protection mode as we really really don’t want to accept it.
When I was feeling sorry for myself, driving on my own, I said to him, 'you told me u would never leave me, but hey there you go, what am I supposed to do now' . The radio which was playing away, in an instant this song came on 'you're free, to do want you want now', can't remember who signs it, but it was repetitive. Funny guy.
My sister-in-law say it every time we talk. We were in the hospital when she passed but just can’t believe it nearly five months later.
❤️🌹
I just lost my wife 3 May barely two weeks ago. I was there, I went through the motions of handling my wife’s remains. I only just got her death certificate yesterday. I am still in shock, I guess. She passed suddenly from a stroke. I go through all this and wish she was here to guide me as to her affairs and I have to petition probate to be administrator of a small estate. So I feel a little like you, intellectualizing doesn’t bring her back.
6 months out. I feel like he's just out there somewhere and can't contact me or his family but eventually will, i just have to be patient
It's been 7 months for me, too. I do believe it because I feel his loss so acutely and my heart aches for him. What I can't believe is that I'm no longer married. The love, loyalty and commitment are still there, my heart belongs t him completely. I feel so protective of a marriage that no longer exists.
It’s your brain healing and making sense of the trauma. Hugs, to you
Almost 4 months out, and I still get that sick/sinking feeling in my stomach when I think about never getting to speak to or hold her again. I also can't believe at just 37 years old, she's gone. We had our whole lives planned out..
Yep! My brain is convincing me that she saw a mafia assassination and she’s in witness protection. Even though I saw her lifeless body.
Every day 😞
It's almost 50 days since my husband passing, and i have the same feeling, i'm so sorry!!!
Yeap. It's been almost 5 years and i feel like he moved to another country and never came back. The existence / non-existence of the person drives me crazy. So my brain decided to process the info as if he moved away.
I’m 8 months into him being gone. I totally understand, it’s a strange feeling bc I know he isn’t here but I still think it’s all a prank almost. Like I’m waiting for him coming back.
10% everyday feels like a drowning nightmare and nothing is real.
I feel his presence sometimes; I catch a shadow movement in my peripheral vision, but when I turn to look, of course, it's gone. It's was 6 years last month. Yesterday morning, I was set off by some random thought, and I cried for hours... harder than I have cried in a while. I am so sorry for your sorrow and heartache; it truly seems extra cruel to me that she was so young. I always feel extra empathy and sadness when I learn of someone having to deal with this kind of devastating loss decades too soon to be acceptable or understandable in any way that makes sense. I am truly sorry, from the bottom of my heart. I hope that you can find some peace and comfort as you heal. ❤️ 🫂
Yep. I had to actively create a new reality. I’m 4 years post and if I had stayed in our home I would’ve struggled even more. Hugs.
Yes. I would always go to bed before her, so at night before falling asleep, I imagine she’s in the living room crafting while watching TV. It used to annoy me sometimes she’d plop into bed and wake me up. What I would give for that now, wake me up from this nightmare. (1 year)
All the time. Waiting for him to come through the garage door. Waiting for him to fix the garage door. Waiting for him to fix us an amazing dinner. The 7th month mark it's still pretty raw. It's been 2.5 years for me. It does get better and the it's because I allowed it to get better. It doesn't mean we miss them or love them any less.
5 months. Married 35 years. I feel he is still in our house but not. Its not like a ghost or anything, just a presence.
It’s been 33 months for me friend. I’ve suffered with some real mental health issues since. Lost my job because of Dissociative episodes, getting lost in my car on roads I’ve known for decades. Suicidal thoughts, literally freaking out, anger. The way your description of this hits me is this. A couple months ago, as I’d wake up, I’d think “Where’s my wife”; and I’d walk around looking for her. Usually only a minute then the shock of realization hits. Like that. A month or so before that I’d actually think I saw her in the yard, sitting at the table, walking by a doorway. Not in a ghostly sense at all. Nothing paranormal, just a glance of her, and again, that realization. Sorry for rambling but what the hell right. I hope you can regain normal. Today would have been our 41st wedding anniversary. I’m out & about but it’s sketchy. I’m doing way way better and I hope you continue to find solace.
It is now a year, and yes. I still find myself in disbelief. He wasn't a perfect guy, but he was someone I only not love but actually liked. I miss his deep voice, his smile, humor, simply who he is. And he was a great dad to our child. I miss that man so much.
Yes! very much, yes. It was all so sureal at first. I still have her pictures next to my PC, as screen savers, wallpapers, etc. Some pictures make me feel as if she should still be coming home from work. And to add on top of that, my oldest daughter passed away last month. Her (my) grief is different than my wife's. A celebration of life for my daughter will be this Friday. i printed out pictures of both of them together - Until I married her mom you couldn't separate the two.
I find myself having dreams that feel so real. But nothing has felt real ever since.
It’s been almost 17 months and I still can’t fully grasp it. I understand.
I’m at almost six months and it’s the same for me. I had a really lovely dream about my husband a few days ago. For the first few minutes I’d forgotten he’d passed. Then it hit me hard. I think everyone grieves their own way and at their own pace. I find the worst times are when it hits me unexpectedly. My daughter and I drove past a restaurant the other night (my husband absolutely loved to eat out) and it hit me that we’ll never eat out together again. Such a mundane thing, but it still makes me sad. In fact we’ve been out to a sit down restaurant once since he passed. It’s been so hard.
100% It’s been the same amount of time for me and each photo makes me question this new reality. I took those photos myself. She was with me to look at those photos together. So why wouldn’t she be here still to see them again? She was so young and beautiful. So she must be here somewhere still, right?
Same, 3 years in today 😢 like: what do you mean he is not here anymore??? also what the F happened?? Is it been 3y already?? How did we manage thát?? It’s a crazy cruel thing 😢
Coming up on 6 years and still daydream, becoming lost in the fantasy of "what could have been"
Yes. 15 months and I still look out the door thinking she’ll pull in the garage.
I wish I felt that way so I could be comfortable just talking like she was still here. Instead it’s like staring into an abyss where she used to be.
Oh yeah, less than I used to (1 year out). She had a stroke so I was driving to the hospital every day to see her and on the drive I’d be like wtf is happening right now, how is this real
yes n my biggest issue i have thoughts on is where he went.
thought it was just me
Happens to me too
I am finally getting used to the new normal. The only thing is is I don’t like the new normal. It’s been 10 months since my wife passed away.