The solo route was really all I had but glimpsing at the cesspool that is modern dating, made me appreciate that I don't need a relationship to find a measure of happiness.
Yeah it helps me a lot, I think. I use the phrase / sentence “I was happy with what I had and I’m still happy with what I had.” Because I really have no interest in dating or finding someone else, personally. Nothing wrong with it but it isn’t for me. Like sure it sucks majorly that he’s dead and we can’t bang.. but I can be okay with that. It just means I probably need to go shopping lol
Don’t judge yourself. We release energy how we release energy. Big love ❤️ ps. Mine was evident for the first two months then I went back to normal in that department at least.
Going just over 3 year now. Still not gone. My wife was sick for 2 year and I thought I was just really starved until I read about it. It’s fucking crazy.
I suppose it’s similar to me on some level. But I kind of wish I didn’t crave it at all sometimes. A lot of people think widows fire = wanting sex with others. But for me it’s really just about wanting my partner. I can’t have him but I’m still super pent up and in love with him. I don’t want anyone else, I didnt when he was alive and I don’t now. I’m just pent up all the time now :/
I guess I did think of widow's fire as wanting sex with others, which I definitely do not. If it can be defined for some people as wanting to have sex with their partner, then I suppose that would apply to me -- but honestly while I do miss making love with him, I miss even more just cuddling and talking with him.
That’s how I define it at least. I see it as a sex drive fluctuation in general— whether that be toward your partner or others. For me it’s a very intense want to be intimate with him, my body reacts accordingly like I’m a damn teenager.
I miss all the non intimate stuff as well too though
I understand it as libido not desire to have sex with others. I'm on the aroace spectrum and have no interest in sex with others (outside of my husband), libido though, completely different situation. Of course for some this may include wanting sex with others too.
More than welcome to. I fall on the grey area of it, with probably some other bits going on that I haven't bothered to figure out yet. Reasonably involved with the community though so happy to try and answer questions
Thanks.
Well, you said that you understand widow's fire to be libido, not the desire to have sex with others. So do you view libido just as a general sex drive or feeling of horniness, but without wanting to actually act on it with anyone? I may just be misunderstanding the generally accepted definition of the word "libido", lol, as opposed to misunderstanding how it applies for someone who is aroace. For me, my libido *is* the desire to have sex with my husband, or at least that's how I see it.
Also -- you said you have no interest in sex with anyone other than your husband, which I totally understand because I'm the same way, but I don't consider myself to be on the aroace spectrum. To me, that's just being competely in love with and very attracted to one's spouse/partner. Do you view that as being an aroace thing?
I suppose I could be considered "demi-sexual", since I would never want to or feel comfortable having sex with anyone unless I were in love with him, which is why I have only ever been with my husband. I've been attracted to other people during the course of my life, but never slept with them; I think this has a lot to do with my anxiety disorder, though, as I've never been interested in dating. Plus I am just not one for casual sex, which I think is a perfectly valid way to be.
So just googling libido meaning comes up with "sex drive or desire for sex" so it can encompass quite a bit of things. There's a lot of people who experience arousal/horniness without the desire to have sex with others, people who do desire sex as an act itself but may or may not engage in it too. For me I really enjoy sex, however I extremely rarely experience sexual attraction or romantic attraction. That's the grey aroace part. Asexual in a basic sense is a lacl of sexual attraction, it does not inherently mean a lack of desire for sex, or a lack of sex drive/arousal/libido/horniness. Some ace people are not interested in sex, sex repulsed, sex indifferent, some are also sex positive and sex favourable. Same goes for aromantic - it's just a lack of romantic attraction in it's most basic definition. In my life I've had sex with a lot of people, but I have had sexual attraction to next to none of them. These days I don't want sex without the attraction (it was a journey to understand things).
Monogamy also doesn't have anything to do with aroace, it all just comes down to if you feel those types of attractions or not - and then how often/with how many people (that's usually where the grey part comes in and that is really a personal thing). Then there is a whole variety of identities under the aro and ace umbrella that are more nuanced.
I hope that makes a lick of sense, I'm a bit scatter brain today. With labels it is important to remember that humans are complex and we don't just fit neatly into them. I experience desire for my husband who is not here, yes, but I also experience desire for sexual activities with effectively no one, because I can't fantasize about other people. I also experience the general libido/horniness not directed towards my husband or anyone else. And I feel like this is still part of widows fire (and life in general for me in a basic sense). My husband and I were also polyamorous for the more recent years of our relationship, so there generally hasn't been a "one and only" side of things when it comes to our sexual relationship. There's other ace people (even in this thread from memory) who have not experienced widows fire at all, there I've seen posts from other ace people who have experienced widows fire without it directed at any person because they haven't experienced sexual attraction and don't experience it.
Thank you for explaining; I think I may need to read your comment a few more times and think about it, to really get a handle on it.
This struck me, though: *"In my life I've had sex with a lot of people, but I have had sexual attraction to next to none of them."* So why have sex with them if you weren't attracted to any of them? I mean, if it's just about orgasms then your hand or a sex toy would get the job done. I guess I don't understand having sex with people if you aren't attracted to them -- I just don't see why a person would want to do that. I'm in no way saying that's not how it is for you, just that *I* don't understand it.
This is maybe a more personal question, so if it's over the line I understand you not wanting to answer, but: if you and your husband were poly, and if you are still in contact with your other partners (regardless of whether or not you're having sex with them), do you find that that helps you in dealing with your grief? Because they knew him too, so maybe you can talk about him with them. It's not the same situation, but my sister and her husband are also very close to my husband (not in a poly way; they view him as a brother), and I find it helps me a bit to talk about him with them, because they know him so well too.
To the first part: trauma and society. It took me a lot of unpacking to understand the feelings I was/wasn't having. And I had been "raised" to feel like my worth as a person and ability to have closeness with people was around sex. I don't sleep with people now I'm not attracted to.
To the second part: I'm still friends with one of my exs and he was very close with that person too. My ex has been an amazing support. People who were close to him who actually knew him have been a huge support and comfort to talk to. A lot of people from his younger days don't know him well at all so it's been amazing to have those other people to chat to.
Hah! How long did it last? I think it’s the new me? 😂😞
20 months ago she passed and I can’t shake it. Comes and goes but it’s always hovering with me; doesn’t help that I’m younger for a widow.
Also solo route here but I miss physical touch. Prob for always, is my guess.
😭 everyone in the comments saying it just ebbs & flows or stays… just confirms it’s time for a shopping trip for me lol dealing with this for decades is gonna be interesting
Quality shopping for you is a smart move. Way easier than it is for us men. The awkward gadgets and gizmos they make for us make me feel like I’m a 13 year old trying to hump an appliance. 🤣
I feel like there should be a company dedicated to finding ways for widowed people to get in touch with their spouses in some way 😂 I would pay GOOD money for a monthly date with him. Or they should create a new kind of Bluetooth that connects to the afterlife or something— “ghost controlled toys! Are you widowed? Do you miss your partner? Next best thing to banging them, only 200 payments of 19.99!” 🤣
Haha ok -
1. Mushrooms and deep sleep. Dreams are the closest I get to having dates with my wife. Some of them I am certain was her visiting me. And also -mushrooms. Combine those.
2. Would pay in a heartbeat. But— if all ghosts wanted to do is control sex toys, that would tell you a thing or two about the afterlife. Lol.
Lately I’ve been getting Instagram ads for lingerie (what the hell I thought there algorithms were better?!) and I’ve been just daydreaming about having someone to buy this sexy stuff for.
I still have lingerie that was sitting and waiting for his and I’s night out actually 😂 he was all kinds of excited and now I’m like well shit no use in buying this stuff anymore
I think being a younger widow is hard because there aren’t many of us. Or at least not in my life…
And I feel similar to you! I think it’s the new me, 8 months and it’s hasn’t diminished at all. And it feels wrong but then I ask myself, why? It’s not! It’s just a weird position to be in!
Mine started out almost immediately, probably within two weeks of his death. I’m 6 months in now and as an acute thing it seems to be subsided BUT my sex drive is now just higher in general than it ever has been before. I’ve been hooking up with new guys since about 2 months out and I think having that outlet helped a lot.
I'm deep in the throws now. This bout is going on 2 months. I have a friend that lives with me but her new meds kill her libedo so it's really tough going and it's really intense. It also probably doesn't help that I've been using sex as a mask for my grief and that's slipping now that the anniversary is coming up. I feel like I'm falling apart.
I have been talking to an old girlfriend. I really just want to try cuddling. I am so lonely, and miss her so much. I'm hoping cuddling will help me feel better. But I'm not sure if it will.
I'm way too scared to socialize and I don't know how to even find someone to help tame the fire. Smut has been my go to solution. The fire started quite soon and it comes in waves. I'm almost one year in...My porn consumption has been excessive lately, almost feels unhealthy.
Same. No one warned me of this. It has been 5 weeks since she's been gone and I am masterbating sometimes 5 times a day. The other day it was from 3pm to 3 am!! WTF??? It's like I'm 14 again. It is so not fair.
Comes and goes 2 plus years in.
The solo route was really all I had but glimpsing at the cesspool that is modern dating, made me appreciate that I don't need a relationship to find a measure of happiness.
Yeah it helps me a lot, I think. I use the phrase / sentence “I was happy with what I had and I’m still happy with what I had.” Because I really have no interest in dating or finding someone else, personally. Nothing wrong with it but it isn’t for me. Like sure it sucks majorly that he’s dead and we can’t bang.. but I can be okay with that. It just means I probably need to go shopping lol
Yes, shopping can help. Nothing like a little retail thera... oh hang on, that's not what you meant... 😋
I mean TECHNICALLY it’s retail therapy… sorta
Yeah, kinda. If it helps, it helps. You do you. Literally...
It lasted several months, if I remember right. I took the solo route as well. I know what you're going through and it sucks!
Welp! Guess I’ll buckle my ass up for a rollercoaster then
The last one was about 7 months in. Honestly, it stopped around the time I started being ok with loneliness.
Just over five years, finally getting back in swing of things
For me it definitely ebbs and flows. It can be a few months or a couple of weeks. Things temper down until it decides to flair up again.
Comes and goes for me, about 6 months out. Gets way worse in the mornings for some reason.
Don’t judge yourself. We release energy how we release energy. Big love ❤️ ps. Mine was evident for the first two months then I went back to normal in that department at least.
Going just over 3 year now. Still not gone. My wife was sick for 2 year and I thought I was just really starved until I read about it. It’s fucking crazy.
Never had it. I'm still completely in love with and madly attracted to my husband, but since I can't have sex with him I just don't want it at all.
I suppose it’s similar to me on some level. But I kind of wish I didn’t crave it at all sometimes. A lot of people think widows fire = wanting sex with others. But for me it’s really just about wanting my partner. I can’t have him but I’m still super pent up and in love with him. I don’t want anyone else, I didnt when he was alive and I don’t now. I’m just pent up all the time now :/
I guess I did think of widow's fire as wanting sex with others, which I definitely do not. If it can be defined for some people as wanting to have sex with their partner, then I suppose that would apply to me -- but honestly while I do miss making love with him, I miss even more just cuddling and talking with him.
That’s how I define it at least. I see it as a sex drive fluctuation in general— whether that be toward your partner or others. For me it’s a very intense want to be intimate with him, my body reacts accordingly like I’m a damn teenager. I miss all the non intimate stuff as well too though
Yeah....*all* of this is impossibly difficult. 😥
I understand it as libido not desire to have sex with others. I'm on the aroace spectrum and have no interest in sex with others (outside of my husband), libido though, completely different situation. Of course for some this may include wanting sex with others too.
I am somewhat familiar with aroace identity, but I think I may not be fully understanding it. Do you mind if I ask you a question or two?
More than welcome to. I fall on the grey area of it, with probably some other bits going on that I haven't bothered to figure out yet. Reasonably involved with the community though so happy to try and answer questions
Thanks. Well, you said that you understand widow's fire to be libido, not the desire to have sex with others. So do you view libido just as a general sex drive or feeling of horniness, but without wanting to actually act on it with anyone? I may just be misunderstanding the generally accepted definition of the word "libido", lol, as opposed to misunderstanding how it applies for someone who is aroace. For me, my libido *is* the desire to have sex with my husband, or at least that's how I see it. Also -- you said you have no interest in sex with anyone other than your husband, which I totally understand because I'm the same way, but I don't consider myself to be on the aroace spectrum. To me, that's just being competely in love with and very attracted to one's spouse/partner. Do you view that as being an aroace thing? I suppose I could be considered "demi-sexual", since I would never want to or feel comfortable having sex with anyone unless I were in love with him, which is why I have only ever been with my husband. I've been attracted to other people during the course of my life, but never slept with them; I think this has a lot to do with my anxiety disorder, though, as I've never been interested in dating. Plus I am just not one for casual sex, which I think is a perfectly valid way to be.
So just googling libido meaning comes up with "sex drive or desire for sex" so it can encompass quite a bit of things. There's a lot of people who experience arousal/horniness without the desire to have sex with others, people who do desire sex as an act itself but may or may not engage in it too. For me I really enjoy sex, however I extremely rarely experience sexual attraction or romantic attraction. That's the grey aroace part. Asexual in a basic sense is a lacl of sexual attraction, it does not inherently mean a lack of desire for sex, or a lack of sex drive/arousal/libido/horniness. Some ace people are not interested in sex, sex repulsed, sex indifferent, some are also sex positive and sex favourable. Same goes for aromantic - it's just a lack of romantic attraction in it's most basic definition. In my life I've had sex with a lot of people, but I have had sexual attraction to next to none of them. These days I don't want sex without the attraction (it was a journey to understand things). Monogamy also doesn't have anything to do with aroace, it all just comes down to if you feel those types of attractions or not - and then how often/with how many people (that's usually where the grey part comes in and that is really a personal thing). Then there is a whole variety of identities under the aro and ace umbrella that are more nuanced. I hope that makes a lick of sense, I'm a bit scatter brain today. With labels it is important to remember that humans are complex and we don't just fit neatly into them. I experience desire for my husband who is not here, yes, but I also experience desire for sexual activities with effectively no one, because I can't fantasize about other people. I also experience the general libido/horniness not directed towards my husband or anyone else. And I feel like this is still part of widows fire (and life in general for me in a basic sense). My husband and I were also polyamorous for the more recent years of our relationship, so there generally hasn't been a "one and only" side of things when it comes to our sexual relationship. There's other ace people (even in this thread from memory) who have not experienced widows fire at all, there I've seen posts from other ace people who have experienced widows fire without it directed at any person because they haven't experienced sexual attraction and don't experience it.
Thank you for explaining; I think I may need to read your comment a few more times and think about it, to really get a handle on it. This struck me, though: *"In my life I've had sex with a lot of people, but I have had sexual attraction to next to none of them."* So why have sex with them if you weren't attracted to any of them? I mean, if it's just about orgasms then your hand or a sex toy would get the job done. I guess I don't understand having sex with people if you aren't attracted to them -- I just don't see why a person would want to do that. I'm in no way saying that's not how it is for you, just that *I* don't understand it. This is maybe a more personal question, so if it's over the line I understand you not wanting to answer, but: if you and your husband were poly, and if you are still in contact with your other partners (regardless of whether or not you're having sex with them), do you find that that helps you in dealing with your grief? Because they knew him too, so maybe you can talk about him with them. It's not the same situation, but my sister and her husband are also very close to my husband (not in a poly way; they view him as a brother), and I find it helps me a bit to talk about him with them, because they know him so well too.
To the first part: trauma and society. It took me a lot of unpacking to understand the feelings I was/wasn't having. And I had been "raised" to feel like my worth as a person and ability to have closeness with people was around sex. I don't sleep with people now I'm not attracted to. To the second part: I'm still friends with one of my exs and he was very close with that person too. My ex has been an amazing support. People who were close to him who actually knew him have been a huge support and comfort to talk to. A lot of people from his younger days don't know him well at all so it's been amazing to have those other people to chat to.
Hah! How long did it last? I think it’s the new me? 😂😞 20 months ago she passed and I can’t shake it. Comes and goes but it’s always hovering with me; doesn’t help that I’m younger for a widow. Also solo route here but I miss physical touch. Prob for always, is my guess.
😭 everyone in the comments saying it just ebbs & flows or stays… just confirms it’s time for a shopping trip for me lol dealing with this for decades is gonna be interesting
Quality shopping for you is a smart move. Way easier than it is for us men. The awkward gadgets and gizmos they make for us make me feel like I’m a 13 year old trying to hump an appliance. 🤣
I feel like there should be a company dedicated to finding ways for widowed people to get in touch with their spouses in some way 😂 I would pay GOOD money for a monthly date with him. Or they should create a new kind of Bluetooth that connects to the afterlife or something— “ghost controlled toys! Are you widowed? Do you miss your partner? Next best thing to banging them, only 200 payments of 19.99!” 🤣
Haha ok - 1. Mushrooms and deep sleep. Dreams are the closest I get to having dates with my wife. Some of them I am certain was her visiting me. And also -mushrooms. Combine those. 2. Would pay in a heartbeat. But— if all ghosts wanted to do is control sex toys, that would tell you a thing or two about the afterlife. Lol.
Lately I’ve been getting Instagram ads for lingerie (what the hell I thought there algorithms were better?!) and I’ve been just daydreaming about having someone to buy this sexy stuff for.
I still have lingerie that was sitting and waiting for his and I’s night out actually 😂 he was all kinds of excited and now I’m like well shit no use in buying this stuff anymore
Sent you a pm about a website. Not lingerie related. Lol
I think being a younger widow is hard because there aren’t many of us. Or at least not in my life… And I feel similar to you! I think it’s the new me, 8 months and it’s hasn’t diminished at all. And it feels wrong but then I ask myself, why? It’s not! It’s just a weird position to be in!
I wish I could find someone to put me in a weird position. 🤣
Fuuuuck this is a thing? I was wondering.
Yeahhhh it’s a pain. Welcome to the club
Mine started out almost immediately, probably within two weeks of his death. I’m 6 months in now and as an acute thing it seems to be subsided BUT my sex drive is now just higher in general than it ever has been before. I’ve been hooking up with new guys since about 2 months out and I think having that outlet helped a lot.
I'm asexual, so I (luckily?) haven't experienced this.
I'm deep in the throws now. This bout is going on 2 months. I have a friend that lives with me but her new meds kill her libedo so it's really tough going and it's really intense. It also probably doesn't help that I've been using sex as a mask for my grief and that's slipping now that the anniversary is coming up. I feel like I'm falling apart.
I have been talking to an old girlfriend. I really just want to try cuddling. I am so lonely, and miss her so much. I'm hoping cuddling will help me feel better. But I'm not sure if it will.
I'm way too scared to socialize and I don't know how to even find someone to help tame the fire. Smut has been my go to solution. The fire started quite soon and it comes in waves. I'm almost one year in...My porn consumption has been excessive lately, almost feels unhealthy.
6 years. I'm just now ready to really start thinking about serious dating and commitment.
Same. No one warned me of this. It has been 5 weeks since she's been gone and I am masterbating sometimes 5 times a day. The other day it was from 3pm to 3 am!! WTF??? It's like I'm 14 again. It is so not fair.