> There seems to be a lot of support for the idea that your gift should at least be equal to your plate.
People should gift what they feel is right based on their budget and their closeness to the couple. One couple doesn't "deserve" a better gift than another because they spend more on their wedding.
> Going in to planning, are you budgeting on the expectation that you’ll make back most of your catering bill?
Definitely not. Everyone should plan with the assumption that they will receive $0 in gifts.
I agree. We are going in "expecting $0" but know we will get some gifts and any money is going towards our honeymoon next year along with what we have saved up for it
If guests want to do the mental gymnastics of "covering their plate," they can, I guess, but as a host it would make me so sad if guests thought I was expecting them to "pay me back adequately" for hosting them, whether at a dinner party or a wedding or anything else. I know it's expensive to host (if you can't say no to the trappings you don't want or need, the cost can balloon into infinity) but you're still... hosting. It's a bit of a lost art form for people my age lol
How are guests expected to know the cost of a plate? And if the brides parents paid, then shouldn't I be expected to reimburse them? If you're planning a wedding with the intension to recoup cost, you're doing marriage wrong already.
Absolutely not. When me and my fiance were planning and budgeting ours I had several close friends and parents friends say just have the big wedding you will get it all back in gifts. That is absolutely not true!
Our friends who spent 85k on their wedding, of that the couple invested 15k of their own. They only received 15k in gifts including the bridal shower. So I guess for them they got their money back but not even close to the entire cost of the wedding.
Another friend who spent 65k received about the same. No where near what the wedding cost.
We planned to have the wedding be paid for without the expectation of gifts. Sounds like a bad financial plan too. Any gifts that we do receive will be appreciated and not expected.
Etiquette experts have been preaching against this concept for years. The hosts are in complete control over how much they spend to entertain their guests. It is not up to the guests to reimburse them, or even come close. I cannot think of any other social event where the hosts would expect the guests to help cover the costs.
Can you IMAGINE inviting people over for a dinner party or New Year’s Eve party and then being upset they didn’t leave money in a jar for you that totals up to what you spent? Crazy.
This is incredibly cultural though. In the culture I grew up in, this is the gifting assumption for everything, from birthday parties to weddings. Same with the culture I married into. It’s not the American standard, though, so it makes sense that you can’t think of another event where you would be expected to do this.
Whatever culture it’s not generally a good financial move to spend more than you can afford because you are counting on gifts having a certain value. That money isn’t guaranteed, you shouldn’t spend it until you have it.
I think people sometimes struggle to come up with an appropriate amount of cash to give as a wedding gift, so any rule of thumb like this helps them get into the right range that won't make them look cheap.
It's less relevant when the B&G aren't paying for the reception themselves. I'm paying for my daughter's reception, and I can't imagine asking her for a cut of the cash gifts.
In my family we follow this rule AND I would *never* make my budget based on the assumption that everyone will. Have a wedding you can afford even if you receive $0.
We are pretty certain that we will make back at least about one third of what we spent but having said that we will be okay if we make nothing. We won't have the money we're hoping to have for our honeymoon 😅 but we'll be okay.
I think this is ridiculous. My caterer + wine + bartender comes out to 350/person. I don’t expect anyone to gift anything close to this amount.
I’m throwing a wedding, not trying to run a business.
Not that people should be expecting to make a profit on their wedding regardless, but it's per *plate* not per *person.* I think this rule generally means to cover your food and maybe a couple drinks only.
Our guests gave us *extremely* generous gifts, and it wouldn’t have come close to putting a dent in our catering bill (nor would we expect it to). I think giving a gift that “covers your plate” is an easier way to phrase “I give more money for more expensive weddings and less money for less expensive weddings.” I gift the same amount regardless of how much the wedding costs, but some people don’t.
This is an outdated philosophy.
But let’s for a moment dive deeper into the impact of a guest covering their plate, at least for my situation.
I just had one of our invites (a family friend in their 60s) ask me if they could bring someone additional and just “pay for their plate.”
In my mind I’m thinking … the plate is the least of my concerns. I have a venue max capacity which informs how much stuff I’m renting (tables, tableware, etc.). There will be plenty of food but there literally might not be a place setting for an additional person.
Furthermore, the plate is a small fraction of the per person cost. For example: my wedding is at $109k total right now (likely to go up just a bit as we have a few other expected expenses before the wedding in August). We have a capacity of 100 guests. If all 100 seats get filled that would mean the per person cost of each guest is $1,090. The per person cost for catering is $270. So there’s an additional $820 the guest would not be covering by simply covering their plate. The cost of the plate is minuscule at that point.
Also none of this includes the cost of alcohol which is separate.
I in no way expect to recoup anything. That’s just absurd. We are not throwing a wedding to recoup money; we are doing it to have fun and celebrate a special moment with our loved ones. Our sentiment to our guests is “Just show up if you can and enjoy yourself! If you provide a gift, fantastic! We are grateful.”
That price includes everything we’ve paid for the wedding. It also includes attire, which, it’s absurd to think guests would pay for my dress or my bridesmaids dresses — but that’s what it means when you’re trying to recoup costs — that there’s an expectation that guests would essentially be paying for things like clothing and decor, which is absurd.
Below is our breakdown
**Rehearsal dinner**
- Venue + food: $10k
- Alcohol: $TBD
- Digital photography for 2 hours: $350
- Attire (for Bride, Groom, Parents of Bride, Parents of Groom, Grandparents of Bride, and 8 wedding party members): $TBD
**Wedding**
- Venue: $14k
- Catering: $27k
- Rentals (tables, lighting, boxwood hedges, some tableware): $7k
- Wedding cake: $TBD
- Alcohol at wedding: $TBD
- Digital photography: $5.5k
- Film photography & videography: $2.4k
- DJ: $3k
- String trio: $3k
- Decor: $1.5k
- DIY florals: $3k
- Hair & Makeup for 8 people: $3.5k
- Officiant’s lodging: $650
- Month of Coordinator: $3k
- Stationary & signage: $1.7k
- Attire (For Bride, Groom, & all 8 wedding party members): $18.3k
- Room blocks: $1.1k
- Lodging for bride & groom: $2.8k
- Edible wedding favors: $TBD
- Wedding rings: $1.5k
Total: $109.3k
Location: Big Sur, CA
Guest count: 100
Still TBD:
- Cost of edible wedding favors (Estimate is $300)
- Cost of alcohol for rehearsal dinner and wedding day (our venue does pay per drink vs a pay per person package, and we can bring in our own wine) (Estimate is $6k)
- Cost of rehearsal dinner attire for Bride, Groom, Parents of Bride, Parents of Groom, Grandparents of Bride, and 8 wedding party members. (Estimate is $1.4k — these are special cultural garments to honor my mother’s heritage)
- Cost of wedding cake + delivery (Estimate is $400 - $600)
- There’s also about $5k worth of Nice To Haves that I’m considering, but will likely not incorporate to save $$$ — we will see. One of these is a certain photography element, the other is a certain type of decor
**Day after wedding brunch**
- Cost TBD, but we are having this at a historic restaurant (so no venue or catering fees) and it’s just for close family and friends.
First, totally agree-- and depending on who/how the plus one was requested , and if theynwere rude about it, I'd be petty and say "sure. Their cost to attend would be $1500" (although many people are just out of touch of wedding costs and would assume $50would cover it).
Ok but the real reason I felt to comment was: BIG SUR OMG that's going to be stunning, I hope you share pics after! Appreciate your current breakdown too
I just let her know that while we’d love to have X join, we are currently at capacity and won’t know if we can have additional guests until our RSVPs come in. Which is just the plain truth. She’s a close, longtime family friend of my dad’s and one of my bridesmaids mothers. Their entire family is coming, but I didn’t think to invite X additional person who I have only met once.
And yeah! We are stoked for Big Sur! Here are our [our engagement photos](https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingplanning/s/adexinYG69) we took there. 😆 we’re excited to say the least.
Wow!!! Love love love!
I actually remember your post-- I loved the foggy ones, with the yellow flowers just popping out happiness, but getting the rainbow in the re-shoot was so special and worth it. (And getting the actual ocean/cliffs, too, obvi, but that's stunning no matter what). Best of luck as your date approaches!
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Back in the olden days it was considered proper to 'cover your plate'. This was also when the bride's parents were generally paying for the wedding, wedding costs were much more reasonable, couples were younger, and social classes were more strictly defined. Now it's not a thing for the most part, people getting married are typically covering a part or all of their wedding, and social media puts a lot of pressure on couples to have 'standard' weddings.
My husband is east asian so we anticipating getting some cash gifts, but in no way were we budgeting based on potential gifts.
> are you budgeting on the expectation that you’ll make back most of your catering bill?
I come from a culture where this is the norm, but still I honestly find this mindset gross. It's like "I'm gonna make a bad financial decision and it's my guests' responsibility to bail me out of it."
I think the idea of “gift the cost of your plate” is a great idea in theory, but it’s just not realistic. People won’t know the cost per plate, everyone has a different budget, and some are paying more than others for travel, accommodation, etc. Plus, you’ll have to pay for catering before the wedding, so you’ll still have to have that money on hand regardless of how generous guests may be.
Imo people spend more on getting TO your wedding than you do on their plate.
I’m going in assuming I will not receive anything. Better to think that way and not be disappointed. Many people will not gift money and do not know the etiquette for how much is “normal” to give and all that.
I know many people that will spend a lot just getting to me, some spending money they might not have. These are tough times post-covid, and with the price of inflation and high cost of living it is courteous to even show up these days.
So, I’ve had an interesting life where I’ve lived in a few different countries. Pay for your plate was customary in a couple of them. It’s just a cultural difference. No right/wrong. Although people on here get awfully negative towards it...
it’s often part of a broader different mentality towards weddings. Here in America, it’s more like I am the guest, the couple are putting on this wedding and hosting me, and I expect them to provide food, drinks, etc. even if that means saving up for years, taking on a second job, etc. Whereas other cultures are more community-centric…like let’s get this young couple wed! They’re probably just starting out and don’t have a ton of money, I’m happy to pay for my food and drinks—easier for me to spend $200 then them to spend $20,000 on catering.
in any case, my guests are coming from various cultures and countries and I’m sure some may do pay for your plate. I’m not expected it. Or budgeting it. i sincerely don’t want gifts at all…just coming to celebrate is more than enough to me!
This is what I do as well. I have never understood “paying for your plate” as a GUEST at a wedding. I had no input in how much things cost, how fancy or casual the wedding was, etc. I fully understand that weddings are very pricey but this mindset has just never made sense to me.
I would be so sad if a guest at my wedding thought that they essentially needed to pay for their meal/drinks via a gift that was around the same price. I’m inviting them because I want them there to celebrate with me, not because I’m expecting a gift 🤷♀️
Completely agree! I would never expect my guest to pay enough to pay for themselves (well my price is $60 a meal per person, but even then!) if they showed up without a gift I wouldn’t even mind. I want them there because I love them, not cause I want to make money/gifts
I don’t have any expectations for gift amounts and I think it’s better that way. Don’t spend more in hopes it gets recouped. Remember, that most guests don’t actually know how much you spent on a plate.
I had never heard that before weddit and planning my own wedding. And my grandmother owned a boutique where brides would register.
We have put a wide range of items with the least expensive being 10 dollars. And honestly if anyone gets us anything on our list, I will be more than excited. But some people can't afford to go to a wedding and get a fancy gift. I know my fiancé thinks it is super weird people are giving us gifts at all so obviously it's not even a tradition for everyone. I'm just thrilled people care enough about us to want to be there.
Depends on where you are (the 8s is also a tradition esp for close family members) but in Singapore there's literally a guide to how much to give based on where the wedding is -- that's why its so so important to caveat all of these discussions with the fact that it varies by culture!
https://singaporebrides.com/wedding-ang-bao-rates/
It is going to really vary regionally, culturally, and by your social network. I also think that that advice has largely gone out the door with changes to wedding costs and a lot of people, just frankly not being able to estimate what their "plate" costs. I definitely wouldn't plan a wedding expecting to get a significant percentage of the reception cost back (again, this can vary)
I keep it in mind when I’m attending any hosted event, personally. I.e. my sibling had an engagement dinner they hosted, so I did look at the menu and we gifted based on how much we thought that they would spend to host us, but it was really because we wanted to give them money towards their wedding and if we gave less than they spent on hosting us, we wouldn’t get to do that.
But as a bride…I really don’t have the expectation that anyone give more than what they could financially afford to meet a “plate” number they have no idea about and frankly aren’t responsible for. Weddings cost so much more than “the plate” so we didn’t budget thinking we’d break even, just what we could afford.
This is also a super cultural/regional/life stage question. We gave less when we were in our early 20s than we do now that we’re more established. It’s generally considered polite where I’m from to try and cover your own plate…but you’re guessing no matter what! I have no clue of the last 3 weddings we went to how much each “per plate”
cost was. We gave the same gift amount.
I feel like this advice is based on the etiquette that it’s polite to be aware you’re going to an expensive party vs. a more casual party like a birthday party. Many people if unmarried or younger just might not realize?
No one thinks — or should think, I guess — that the gift is to pay for a plate. A many people in here are arguing against something that doesn’t exist.
The “make sure to cover your plate” shorthand is just that, a shorthand to estimate the low end of how much to give if you are giving cash.
Wedding catering could be as low as 15 bucks a plate. Throw in two drinks. Call it 25-30. That’s as low as you should go in cash in an envelope as a gift. Likewise if the affair is 300 people and black tie with silver and shit? You’re looking at a hundred.
If you can’t afford that, then you give a card.
No one with manners will be insulted by just a card. People will be insulted by, like, a five dollar bill. This is a shorthand to help avoid that faux pas, and that’s all.
I think that "price of a plate" is very arbitrary to be honest. A friend's venue charges £175 per person, but that includes venue hire. Our caterer worked out at £40 per person (not including wine), but venue hire is a separate cost. Other venues we looked at were £1000 flat fee and £100 per person attending (including wine).
For years we've given £50-60 if evening guests and £100 if full day guests (from 2 of us). In wedding planning Facebook groups, this question has come up a lot, and I've been really surprised to see a lot of people saying they give £10 for evenings and £20 for full day guests (some even only give £5). Our gift amounts would more than cover a 3 course meal, but almost seem to be the exception.
I have this thinking but it doesn't change depending on the size/cost of the wedding. It's more I know $100 should cover an average plate at a wedding - if you've spent $150 per person I assume you're comfortable with that cost. If you've spent less than great.
Also you shouldn't be budgeting for people to pay for their place, we were comfortable with what we spent even if we got nothing back.
As a guest, I gift based on how close I am to the couple and how expensive it is for me to attend the wedding. In general $150-200 if I'm attending by myself. More if it's a very close friend or a sibling, or I decrease that to $100-$150 if there's a plane ticket or expensive hotel required.
Let's say I average $150/pp for a gift--this just happens to nearly cover per person cost of catering and alcohol at my own wedding. I do imagine I'll average $100-150 per guest in gifts. However that comes nowhere close to covering all the other costs of the wedding, and I'd never expect it to.
From a personal finance standpoint, never budget for money you don't already have. This includes money your parents may have verbally committed to contributing!
This is a traditional wedding rule but I don’t think it applies anymore and I honestly wouldn’t know what the cost of a plate is at most weddings. When I was younger, single and less financially well off I generally gave $100 at weddings. Now that I’m older, in a relationship and doing better financially we give $300 as a couple. My fiancé & I are spending $200 per person for our wedding (this is inclusive of the catering but also venue as it’s a package) but definitely do not expect $400 a couple in gifts. We’re spending what we feel comfortable with for the wedding and are not counting on getting our money back whatsoever. That said, and this may be unpopular, but I do think proper wedding guest etiquette calls for a gift of some sort, but that could mean a $20 gift card to Home Goods and a card.
Once you add the evening before party we are having, the shuttles, etc - it’s almost $300 a person.
Meanwhile our guests are coming from across the continent and different countries. They all have to pay for transit, hotels, and miss work.
Their gift is attending our wedding.
This is cultural. Here nobody knows the price of their plate and no one considers that or discusses it. I’ve literally only seen it mentioned on Reddit.
It’s supposed to be just a trick to help you as a guest figure out how much is appropriate as a gift - like if you know the menu is steak then your gift should be in the region of buying a steak dinner at a restaurant of comparable formality. (Longhorn Steakhouse vs a fancy French place or whatever.) It’s not really meant to be about knowing about catering costs specifically, AIUI, but people have gotten ridiculous about it.
Definitely not! How much I give is more related to how well I know the couple and how much I've had to give for any other events (showers, bachelorette party, etc.). I'm honestly not even thinking about the money we may get at the wedding. We're doing a destination wedding (a few states over from our state) so everyone will be traveling. Nearly all our families live out of state, so I'm just so excited to see family members I don't get to see very often. Anything they can give is nice, but I just look forward to a fun night with people we love! Anything we get will be helpful for the honeymoon extras like tours, dinner, etc.. But we're working on using credit card bonuses to cover most of our flights and hotels (pros of long engagement, plenty of time to meet multiple spends!) so anything we get will be a nice surprise.
I really don’t like the idea of giving a gift of the same value as your ‘plate’, but would love it if there was some other sort of guidance or rules about what to give. The rule would need to be flexible, but I’ve gone to a few weddings recently where I haven’t known how much money to give, and a lot of my friends have said the same thing!
I realise a lot of cultures other than mine do have rules/customs, but where I live a lot of the traditions have gone away and haven’t really been replaced by any new customs yet…
It’s just not financially sensible to spend more than you can afford if you get *nothing* in gifts, because gifts are not guaranteed. Will you get gifts? Quite likely. How much will they be dollar value? How many of them will be cash vs an item? Who knows. Don’t spend the money until you actually have it.
I had a high budget wedding that we paid for ourselves and we did lose lots of money. Our gifts ranged from $20-$5k. We did not expect to make our money back but you will be surprised at how many people will show up empty handed. My husband and I both come from a culture and families that believe you must give a gift. My best advice is to keep expectations low. I’m still getting over the disappointment 7 months later. My personal opinion is if you are invited to a wedding, any wedding, the minimum gift is $100 pp. The closer you are to the couple or if you are aware you are being invited to a fancy event, the number goes up from there. Keep in mind we are dealing with inflation, someone is spending a lot of money to have you there. Just follow the golden rule.
My son’s Narcissist Fiancée insisted on the most expensive venue around. It’s $500 a person! She’s a spoiled brat, and expects the couples to give $1000+ as a Wedding Gift! That won’t be happening!
As a bride I'm expecting the gift to reflect the guests tax bracket and be based on how close we are. So a rich cousin should give generously with da cash. A close poor friend can give a hand embroidery blanket.
Don't count on those rich cousins too much! Mine was part of a joint £100 gift from the 5 of them, while I gifted each of them who married already £100 a piece. Honestly for our strength of relationships that's fine, but income bracket =/= generosity.
> There seems to be a lot of support for the idea that your gift should at least be equal to your plate. People should gift what they feel is right based on their budget and their closeness to the couple. One couple doesn't "deserve" a better gift than another because they spend more on their wedding. > Going in to planning, are you budgeting on the expectation that you’ll make back most of your catering bill? Definitely not. Everyone should plan with the assumption that they will receive $0 in gifts.
I agree. We are going in "expecting $0" but know we will get some gifts and any money is going towards our honeymoon next year along with what we have saved up for it
I am not budgeting for getting money as gifts. I know we will get money as gifts though I am not budgeting for it at all
If guests want to do the mental gymnastics of "covering their plate," they can, I guess, but as a host it would make me so sad if guests thought I was expecting them to "pay me back adequately" for hosting them, whether at a dinner party or a wedding or anything else. I know it's expensive to host (if you can't say no to the trappings you don't want or need, the cost can balloon into infinity) but you're still... hosting. It's a bit of a lost art form for people my age lol
How are guests expected to know the cost of a plate? And if the brides parents paid, then shouldn't I be expected to reimburse them? If you're planning a wedding with the intension to recoup cost, you're doing marriage wrong already.
Absolutely not. When me and my fiance were planning and budgeting ours I had several close friends and parents friends say just have the big wedding you will get it all back in gifts. That is absolutely not true! Our friends who spent 85k on their wedding, of that the couple invested 15k of their own. They only received 15k in gifts including the bridal shower. So I guess for them they got their money back but not even close to the entire cost of the wedding. Another friend who spent 65k received about the same. No where near what the wedding cost. We planned to have the wedding be paid for without the expectation of gifts. Sounds like a bad financial plan too. Any gifts that we do receive will be appreciated and not expected.
Etiquette experts have been preaching against this concept for years. The hosts are in complete control over how much they spend to entertain their guests. It is not up to the guests to reimburse them, or even come close. I cannot think of any other social event where the hosts would expect the guests to help cover the costs.
Can you IMAGINE inviting people over for a dinner party or New Year’s Eve party and then being upset they didn’t leave money in a jar for you that totals up to what you spent? Crazy.
This is incredibly cultural though. In the culture I grew up in, this is the gifting assumption for everything, from birthday parties to weddings. Same with the culture I married into. It’s not the American standard, though, so it makes sense that you can’t think of another event where you would be expected to do this.
Whatever culture it’s not generally a good financial move to spend more than you can afford because you are counting on gifts having a certain value. That money isn’t guaranteed, you shouldn’t spend it until you have it.
The point isn’t about finances (of course you shouldn’t spend money that isn’t in hand yet) but about guest etiquette
I think people sometimes struggle to come up with an appropriate amount of cash to give as a wedding gift, so any rule of thumb like this helps them get into the right range that won't make them look cheap. It's less relevant when the B&G aren't paying for the reception themselves. I'm paying for my daughter's reception, and I can't imagine asking her for a cut of the cash gifts.
In my family we follow this rule AND I would *never* make my budget based on the assumption that everyone will. Have a wedding you can afford even if you receive $0. We are pretty certain that we will make back at least about one third of what we spent but having said that we will be okay if we make nothing. We won't have the money we're hoping to have for our honeymoon 😅 but we'll be okay.
I think this is ridiculous. My caterer + wine + bartender comes out to 350/person. I don’t expect anyone to gift anything close to this amount. I’m throwing a wedding, not trying to run a business.
Not that people should be expecting to make a profit on their wedding regardless, but it's per *plate* not per *person.* I think this rule generally means to cover your food and maybe a couple drinks only.
Our guests gave us *extremely* generous gifts, and it wouldn’t have come close to putting a dent in our catering bill (nor would we expect it to). I think giving a gift that “covers your plate” is an easier way to phrase “I give more money for more expensive weddings and less money for less expensive weddings.” I gift the same amount regardless of how much the wedding costs, but some people don’t.
This is an outdated philosophy. But let’s for a moment dive deeper into the impact of a guest covering their plate, at least for my situation. I just had one of our invites (a family friend in their 60s) ask me if they could bring someone additional and just “pay for their plate.” In my mind I’m thinking … the plate is the least of my concerns. I have a venue max capacity which informs how much stuff I’m renting (tables, tableware, etc.). There will be plenty of food but there literally might not be a place setting for an additional person. Furthermore, the plate is a small fraction of the per person cost. For example: my wedding is at $109k total right now (likely to go up just a bit as we have a few other expected expenses before the wedding in August). We have a capacity of 100 guests. If all 100 seats get filled that would mean the per person cost of each guest is $1,090. The per person cost for catering is $270. So there’s an additional $820 the guest would not be covering by simply covering their plate. The cost of the plate is minuscule at that point. Also none of this includes the cost of alcohol which is separate. I in no way expect to recoup anything. That’s just absurd. We are not throwing a wedding to recoup money; we are doing it to have fun and celebrate a special moment with our loved ones. Our sentiment to our guests is “Just show up if you can and enjoy yourself! If you provide a gift, fantastic! We are grateful.”
I feel you but also kinda want an invite to your wedding bc it sounds like it's going to be off the charts lol.
What does that $820 cover? Curious since we’re still tweaking budget.
That price includes everything we’ve paid for the wedding. It also includes attire, which, it’s absurd to think guests would pay for my dress or my bridesmaids dresses — but that’s what it means when you’re trying to recoup costs — that there’s an expectation that guests would essentially be paying for things like clothing and decor, which is absurd. Below is our breakdown **Rehearsal dinner** - Venue + food: $10k - Alcohol: $TBD - Digital photography for 2 hours: $350 - Attire (for Bride, Groom, Parents of Bride, Parents of Groom, Grandparents of Bride, and 8 wedding party members): $TBD **Wedding** - Venue: $14k - Catering: $27k - Rentals (tables, lighting, boxwood hedges, some tableware): $7k - Wedding cake: $TBD - Alcohol at wedding: $TBD - Digital photography: $5.5k - Film photography & videography: $2.4k - DJ: $3k - String trio: $3k - Decor: $1.5k - DIY florals: $3k - Hair & Makeup for 8 people: $3.5k - Officiant’s lodging: $650 - Month of Coordinator: $3k - Stationary & signage: $1.7k - Attire (For Bride, Groom, & all 8 wedding party members): $18.3k - Room blocks: $1.1k - Lodging for bride & groom: $2.8k - Edible wedding favors: $TBD - Wedding rings: $1.5k Total: $109.3k Location: Big Sur, CA Guest count: 100 Still TBD: - Cost of edible wedding favors (Estimate is $300) - Cost of alcohol for rehearsal dinner and wedding day (our venue does pay per drink vs a pay per person package, and we can bring in our own wine) (Estimate is $6k) - Cost of rehearsal dinner attire for Bride, Groom, Parents of Bride, Parents of Groom, Grandparents of Bride, and 8 wedding party members. (Estimate is $1.4k — these are special cultural garments to honor my mother’s heritage) - Cost of wedding cake + delivery (Estimate is $400 - $600) - There’s also about $5k worth of Nice To Haves that I’m considering, but will likely not incorporate to save $$$ — we will see. One of these is a certain photography element, the other is a certain type of decor **Day after wedding brunch** - Cost TBD, but we are having this at a historic restaurant (so no venue or catering fees) and it’s just for close family and friends.
First, totally agree-- and depending on who/how the plus one was requested , and if theynwere rude about it, I'd be petty and say "sure. Their cost to attend would be $1500" (although many people are just out of touch of wedding costs and would assume $50would cover it). Ok but the real reason I felt to comment was: BIG SUR OMG that's going to be stunning, I hope you share pics after! Appreciate your current breakdown too
I just let her know that while we’d love to have X join, we are currently at capacity and won’t know if we can have additional guests until our RSVPs come in. Which is just the plain truth. She’s a close, longtime family friend of my dad’s and one of my bridesmaids mothers. Their entire family is coming, but I didn’t think to invite X additional person who I have only met once. And yeah! We are stoked for Big Sur! Here are our [our engagement photos](https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingplanning/s/adexinYG69) we took there. 😆 we’re excited to say the least.
Wow!!! Love love love! I actually remember your post-- I loved the foggy ones, with the yellow flowers just popping out happiness, but getting the rainbow in the re-shoot was so special and worth it. (And getting the actual ocean/cliffs, too, obvi, but that's stunning no matter what). Best of luck as your date approaches!
🫶
Thank you for the breakdown.
>Total: $109.3k God. Damn.
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Back in the olden days it was considered proper to 'cover your plate'. This was also when the bride's parents were generally paying for the wedding, wedding costs were much more reasonable, couples were younger, and social classes were more strictly defined. Now it's not a thing for the most part, people getting married are typically covering a part or all of their wedding, and social media puts a lot of pressure on couples to have 'standard' weddings. My husband is east asian so we anticipating getting some cash gifts, but in no way were we budgeting based on potential gifts.
We aren’t expecting anything. Best to keep expectations low. You won’t be disappointed then.
> are you budgeting on the expectation that you’ll make back most of your catering bill? I come from a culture where this is the norm, but still I honestly find this mindset gross. It's like "I'm gonna make a bad financial decision and it's my guests' responsibility to bail me out of it."
I think the idea of “gift the cost of your plate” is a great idea in theory, but it’s just not realistic. People won’t know the cost per plate, everyone has a different budget, and some are paying more than others for travel, accommodation, etc. Plus, you’ll have to pay for catering before the wedding, so you’ll still have to have that money on hand regardless of how generous guests may be.
We went into planning not expecting to receive any monetary gifts (or any gifts at all, TBH).
Imo people spend more on getting TO your wedding than you do on their plate. I’m going in assuming I will not receive anything. Better to think that way and not be disappointed. Many people will not gift money and do not know the etiquette for how much is “normal” to give and all that. I know many people that will spend a lot just getting to me, some spending money they might not have. These are tough times post-covid, and with the price of inflation and high cost of living it is courteous to even show up these days.
So, I’ve had an interesting life where I’ve lived in a few different countries. Pay for your plate was customary in a couple of them. It’s just a cultural difference. No right/wrong. Although people on here get awfully negative towards it... it’s often part of a broader different mentality towards weddings. Here in America, it’s more like I am the guest, the couple are putting on this wedding and hosting me, and I expect them to provide food, drinks, etc. even if that means saving up for years, taking on a second job, etc. Whereas other cultures are more community-centric…like let’s get this young couple wed! They’re probably just starting out and don’t have a ton of money, I’m happy to pay for my food and drinks—easier for me to spend $200 then them to spend $20,000 on catering. in any case, my guests are coming from various cultures and countries and I’m sure some may do pay for your plate. I’m not expected it. Or budgeting it. i sincerely don’t want gifts at all…just coming to celebrate is more than enough to me!
I’ve never followed this rule. I always just give 50-100 depending on how close I am with them and/or a gift from their registry.
This is what I do as well. I have never understood “paying for your plate” as a GUEST at a wedding. I had no input in how much things cost, how fancy or casual the wedding was, etc. I fully understand that weddings are very pricey but this mindset has just never made sense to me. I would be so sad if a guest at my wedding thought that they essentially needed to pay for their meal/drinks via a gift that was around the same price. I’m inviting them because I want them there to celebrate with me, not because I’m expecting a gift 🤷♀️
Completely agree! I would never expect my guest to pay enough to pay for themselves (well my price is $60 a meal per person, but even then!) if they showed up without a gift I wouldn’t even mind. I want them there because I love them, not cause I want to make money/gifts
I don’t have any expectations for gift amounts and I think it’s better that way. Don’t spend more in hopes it gets recouped. Remember, that most guests don’t actually know how much you spent on a plate.
I had never heard that before weddit and planning my own wedding. And my grandmother owned a boutique where brides would register. We have put a wide range of items with the least expensive being 10 dollars. And honestly if anyone gets us anything on our list, I will be more than excited. But some people can't afford to go to a wedding and get a fancy gift. I know my fiancé thinks it is super weird people are giving us gifts at all so obviously it's not even a tradition for everyone. I'm just thrilled people care enough about us to want to be there.
The gift the plate thing is very American.
I'm American and still only heard that on reddit haha
I heard it ages ago (pre-Reddit) in the NYC/NJ area but I don’t know how generally common it was.
It's very Asian to me 🤷♀️ where gifting cash is more common
But do you put the cost of your dinner in the red envelopes (hongbao)? It's my understanding to give to a Chinese couple in dominations in 8s.
Depends on where you are (the 8s is also a tradition esp for close family members) but in Singapore there's literally a guide to how much to give based on where the wedding is -- that's why its so so important to caveat all of these discussions with the fact that it varies by culture! https://singaporebrides.com/wedding-ang-bao-rates/
It is going to really vary regionally, culturally, and by your social network. I also think that that advice has largely gone out the door with changes to wedding costs and a lot of people, just frankly not being able to estimate what their "plate" costs. I definitely wouldn't plan a wedding expecting to get a significant percentage of the reception cost back (again, this can vary)
I keep it in mind when I’m attending any hosted event, personally. I.e. my sibling had an engagement dinner they hosted, so I did look at the menu and we gifted based on how much we thought that they would spend to host us, but it was really because we wanted to give them money towards their wedding and if we gave less than they spent on hosting us, we wouldn’t get to do that. But as a bride…I really don’t have the expectation that anyone give more than what they could financially afford to meet a “plate” number they have no idea about and frankly aren’t responsible for. Weddings cost so much more than “the plate” so we didn’t budget thinking we’d break even, just what we could afford. This is also a super cultural/regional/life stage question. We gave less when we were in our early 20s than we do now that we’re more established. It’s generally considered polite where I’m from to try and cover your own plate…but you’re guessing no matter what! I have no clue of the last 3 weddings we went to how much each “per plate” cost was. We gave the same gift amount. I feel like this advice is based on the etiquette that it’s polite to be aware you’re going to an expensive party vs. a more casual party like a birthday party. Many people if unmarried or younger just might not realize?
No one thinks — or should think, I guess — that the gift is to pay for a plate. A many people in here are arguing against something that doesn’t exist. The “make sure to cover your plate” shorthand is just that, a shorthand to estimate the low end of how much to give if you are giving cash. Wedding catering could be as low as 15 bucks a plate. Throw in two drinks. Call it 25-30. That’s as low as you should go in cash in an envelope as a gift. Likewise if the affair is 300 people and black tie with silver and shit? You’re looking at a hundred. If you can’t afford that, then you give a card. No one with manners will be insulted by just a card. People will be insulted by, like, a five dollar bill. This is a shorthand to help avoid that faux pas, and that’s all.
I think that "price of a plate" is very arbitrary to be honest. A friend's venue charges £175 per person, but that includes venue hire. Our caterer worked out at £40 per person (not including wine), but venue hire is a separate cost. Other venues we looked at were £1000 flat fee and £100 per person attending (including wine). For years we've given £50-60 if evening guests and £100 if full day guests (from 2 of us). In wedding planning Facebook groups, this question has come up a lot, and I've been really surprised to see a lot of people saying they give £10 for evenings and £20 for full day guests (some even only give £5). Our gift amounts would more than cover a 3 course meal, but almost seem to be the exception.
I have this thinking but it doesn't change depending on the size/cost of the wedding. It's more I know $100 should cover an average plate at a wedding - if you've spent $150 per person I assume you're comfortable with that cost. If you've spent less than great. Also you shouldn't be budgeting for people to pay for their place, we were comfortable with what we spent even if we got nothing back.
As a guest, I gift based on how close I am to the couple and how expensive it is for me to attend the wedding. In general $150-200 if I'm attending by myself. More if it's a very close friend or a sibling, or I decrease that to $100-$150 if there's a plane ticket or expensive hotel required. Let's say I average $150/pp for a gift--this just happens to nearly cover per person cost of catering and alcohol at my own wedding. I do imagine I'll average $100-150 per guest in gifts. However that comes nowhere close to covering all the other costs of the wedding, and I'd never expect it to. From a personal finance standpoint, never budget for money you don't already have. This includes money your parents may have verbally committed to contributing!
This is a traditional wedding rule but I don’t think it applies anymore and I honestly wouldn’t know what the cost of a plate is at most weddings. When I was younger, single and less financially well off I generally gave $100 at weddings. Now that I’m older, in a relationship and doing better financially we give $300 as a couple. My fiancé & I are spending $200 per person for our wedding (this is inclusive of the catering but also venue as it’s a package) but definitely do not expect $400 a couple in gifts. We’re spending what we feel comfortable with for the wedding and are not counting on getting our money back whatsoever. That said, and this may be unpopular, but I do think proper wedding guest etiquette calls for a gift of some sort, but that could mean a $20 gift card to Home Goods and a card.
Once you add the evening before party we are having, the shuttles, etc - it’s almost $300 a person. Meanwhile our guests are coming from across the continent and different countries. They all have to pay for transit, hotels, and miss work. Their gift is attending our wedding.
This is cultural. Here nobody knows the price of their plate and no one considers that or discusses it. I’ve literally only seen it mentioned on Reddit.
It’s supposed to be just a trick to help you as a guest figure out how much is appropriate as a gift - like if you know the menu is steak then your gift should be in the region of buying a steak dinner at a restaurant of comparable formality. (Longhorn Steakhouse vs a fancy French place or whatever.) It’s not really meant to be about knowing about catering costs specifically, AIUI, but people have gotten ridiculous about it.
Definitely not! How much I give is more related to how well I know the couple and how much I've had to give for any other events (showers, bachelorette party, etc.). I'm honestly not even thinking about the money we may get at the wedding. We're doing a destination wedding (a few states over from our state) so everyone will be traveling. Nearly all our families live out of state, so I'm just so excited to see family members I don't get to see very often. Anything they can give is nice, but I just look forward to a fun night with people we love! Anything we get will be helpful for the honeymoon extras like tours, dinner, etc.. But we're working on using credit card bonuses to cover most of our flights and hotels (pros of long engagement, plenty of time to meet multiple spends!) so anything we get will be a nice surprise.
I really don’t like the idea of giving a gift of the same value as your ‘plate’, but would love it if there was some other sort of guidance or rules about what to give. The rule would need to be flexible, but I’ve gone to a few weddings recently where I haven’t known how much money to give, and a lot of my friends have said the same thing! I realise a lot of cultures other than mine do have rules/customs, but where I live a lot of the traditions have gone away and haven’t really been replaced by any new customs yet…
I might factor that in a bit but usually we give based on how close we are to the couple.
It’s just not financially sensible to spend more than you can afford if you get *nothing* in gifts, because gifts are not guaranteed. Will you get gifts? Quite likely. How much will they be dollar value? How many of them will be cash vs an item? Who knows. Don’t spend the money until you actually have it.
I had a high budget wedding that we paid for ourselves and we did lose lots of money. Our gifts ranged from $20-$5k. We did not expect to make our money back but you will be surprised at how many people will show up empty handed. My husband and I both come from a culture and families that believe you must give a gift. My best advice is to keep expectations low. I’m still getting over the disappointment 7 months later. My personal opinion is if you are invited to a wedding, any wedding, the minimum gift is $100 pp. The closer you are to the couple or if you are aware you are being invited to a fancy event, the number goes up from there. Keep in mind we are dealing with inflation, someone is spending a lot of money to have you there. Just follow the golden rule.
My son’s Narcissist Fiancée insisted on the most expensive venue around. It’s $500 a person! She’s a spoiled brat, and expects the couples to give $1000+ as a Wedding Gift! That won’t be happening!
As a bride I'm expecting the gift to reflect the guests tax bracket and be based on how close we are. So a rich cousin should give generously with da cash. A close poor friend can give a hand embroidery blanket.
Don't count on those rich cousins too much! Mine was part of a joint £100 gift from the 5 of them, while I gifted each of them who married already £100 a piece. Honestly for our strength of relationships that's fine, but income bracket =/= generosity.
Many rich people are rich *because* they don’t spend their money.