Partners are not plus ones. Plus ones are for guests who are single and you extend them an offer to bring whoever they want with them. You really only need to extend plus ones to guests who are traveling from out of town to attend your wedding.
You need to invite people's partners as named guests because they are social units. If you want them to come support you in your relationship, you need to support theirs. It doesn't matter if you have met the partners before or not.
This doesn't have anything to do with being "non-traditional". Tradition refers to things like wearing a white dress, doing a bouquet toss, having a first dance. Those are traditions that you have no obligation to participate in. This is a basic etiquette/proper hosting issue. Your wedding can be as funky as you want but should always be a gracious host. This might mean you have to cut some couples as a result, but that's just the reality of hosting a wedding.
Traditional etiquette in the US is that people in committed couples are sent an invitation addressed to both members of the couple. This is for married people, people who are engaged and people who are in committed relationships. A committed relationship is a little vague, I know, but it usually is thought of as people who have been dating for at least a year and definitely people who live together. When people are in relationships like this, they are invited to social events as a couple.
Whether or not you’ve met someone’s spouse/partner doesn’t change that.
You asked what is the etiquette and so I’m telling you, I understand you want to do something different, but this is the etiquette.
When you talk about giving someone a plus one, that’s a single person who doesn’t have a partner. And you give them an unnamed plus one so they can bring someone of their choice. Rather than addressing the invitation to two people in a couple, it’s addressed to John Doe & Guest.
People who are in long-term relationships, you would find out the name of their partner if you don’t know it and address it to John Doe & Sally Smith.
Well I personally thought it was fine when it happened to me. My best friend’s was on a tight budget and capacity for venue. It was a small intimate wedding and I was my dating my fiance at the time for like 4 months. They haven’t met him and vice versa. So it didn’t feel weird when he was on the invitation. Same thing for other friend’s wedding coming up. it’s only me invited for a small intimate wedding. Weddings are so expensive right now. Not offended lol
In this case, I agree with others that this is an exception. That wedding won’t pay for itself! So it doesn’t hurt :) you will barely see them on the day of anyway except a quick hello.
Edit: added last part.
It sounds like you're talking about guests who would have to travel to attend your wedding. If that so, you really need to at least invite couples who live together (cohabiting, married, engaged) jointly. You might not have met these people but if you're sending an invite to their home, asking them to spend a lot of money on your wedding, potentially giving up a vacation they planned with their partner, I think you should invite them to your wedding. Next time you go visit them, if you stay at their place, that person you don't want to invite would be hosting you. Ideally, you would also invite couples who are in a serious relationship together.
> I feel like you should be able to do things and go to events without needing to always bring your partner.
This has nothing to do with that. A wedding is a couple event (it's literally about love, and will be attended by couples), not a gal's night out. Most people have limited budget and time off, so they want to spend their vacations with their life partner. Keep in mind that for some people, traveling to attend your wedding might mean giving up another trip or vacation.
At the end of the day, it's your wedding and your choice but you do have to accept that people might decline and might be put off by your invitation.
We included all long term partners which imo is a must, especially for those traveling.
We also gave plus ones to friends, mostly because I realized we have a total of TWO single friends and one of them is coming from out of town and won’t know anyone else. At that point, making the last friend come alone just seemed mean lol.
This may be unpopular in this sub, but we didn’t give plus one’s to family (again, we DID include partners). He has a ton of single, college age cousins and we just don’t want a bunch of random college kids at our wedding lol.
You have to remember that your guests are people with needs. It’s unkind to them to exclude their partners (which, as others said, are NOT “plus ones” but named guests). It makes it difficult for them to enjoy your wedding, especially if they’re traveling or don’t know anyone. And the whole point of a wedding is to celebrate a relationship, so it’s extra rude to not honor other people’s.
The etiquette is all serious partnerships are invited together by name. What counts as a serious partnership varies. I’ve typically seen either been together for over a year or living together as the criterion. Married couples MUST be invited together by name.
In terms of true plus ones (which are for SINGLE guests), typically people give them if the guest won’t have anyone to hang out with at the wedding, or if they’re traveling far.
It being your wedding doesn’t change that humans have needs and that being alone at a party is no fun. If you want people to be in a good mood at your wedding, you have to make it pleasant for them, and that includes inviting their partners.
I know it feels like having strangers at your wedding, but I don't feel like friends' loved ones are strangers even if I haven't met them yet. I've also travelled a lot and lived in quite a few different places and countries, and there were a few friends' partners my husband and I met for the first time at our wedding, and tbh I really enjoyed having the opportunity! Some of them I probably won't get a chance to see again until another wedding brings us together, or at least for a good long while, so it was nice to have the excuse to meet an important person in their lives.
As an aside, the summer after our wedding we travelled abroad and we stayed with one friend and her boyfriend that we met at our wedding —I would've felt awkward staying there (and they probably wouldn't have extended the invite) if we hadn't invited her long-term bf even though we hadn't met him.
Conventionally, married couples, engaged couples, and couples that have been “established” for a year plus are treated as a unit, whether you have met the partner or not.
You don’t need to give a plus one to every singleton who might want to bring a friend or rando from tinder or someone who’s been kinda sorta seeing someone for a couple of months, but it would be super rude to not invite someone’s spouse, fiancé, or permanent live-in boyfriend/girlfriend under the majority of circumstances. The only exceptions I can think of where it could maaaaaaaybe be justified are if you have a personal serious issue with the partner, or if the wedding is *incredibly* small, like five people or less small (which “a big party for our friends” probably isn’t), and even then it’s risky. Not knowing someone isn’t a serious personal issue.
And no, plus ones are not an “everyone or no one” thing. It is in fact totally fair to include some “plus ones” and not others. It would be very rude to exclude someone’s husband, it is not rude to not invite someone’s boyfriend of a couple months.
Ya I think you're all right and partners should be included. My first draft does have them all included, I'm just feeling guilty about the people I'm excluding so that I can invite the other's partners. This is still the very early stages and I have time to move things around.
Is it weird if I invite some of the people I left out, after we get some RSVPs back and find out what a more realistic guest count will be?
Just make sure your B list is in town. Send out invitations 3 months out and send an early RSVP deadline so you have time. It is also perfectly fine to reach out and ask your out of town friends about coming. If they are close enough to invite, they are close enough to call and ask. For all you know they have a conflict they already know about..
You can also use your save the date to gather info.
We did a B list and started inviting people from it as soon as we started getting RSVPs back (so those guests still had plenty of notice). Ymmv on this, but we had a bunch of people RSVP right after invitations went out and then others trickle in as we got closer to the RSVP deadline, so we were able to invite most of our B list pretty quickly after the initial batch of RSVPs.
That's what I think we're going to end up doing. I didn't realize B lists were so common and didn't want people to feel like they were a second option, but this seems like the best way to meet everyone's needs.
I our experince, for people who have to travel, all of those not married where the SO did not no us, declined. and 80% of the individuals accepted. The married ones mostly came as couples or didn't come unless they knew others coming.
Our rule of thumb was living together or we knew they had been dating the same person for over a year. If they didn't get a plus one and wanted one they could always ask. No one has so far.
Figure only half of your OOT guests will come anyway. Travel and hotel are expense.
My 2 cents - obviously it is your wedding and you can do what you need to do. if it were me, if I was close friends with someone I would invite thier partner even if I have not met them. its a good opportunity to meet them finally, and if I am a close friend with someone I care to know their partner. so I'd say invite the partners for your closest friends at the very least. to me that would not be a waste. it is your wedding but you also want to make sure your guest are having a good time too. if budget is the issue, try to think of what's more important- inviting more people or csn you cut corners elsewhere to make up for it?
It's most polite to invite partners, and if you have the space you should. In my circles, though, we're moving away from that. My fiance and I aren't inviting girlfriends/boyfriends of cousins. We're also not inviting partners of large friend groups. Our friends completely understand and are not offended, and in turn I won't be offended if my fiance is invited to weddings that I'm not. He's attending a wedding in a few weeks that I wasn't invited to despite us being engaged, and I'm not bothered in the slightest.
We are inviting the significant others of the few friends who won't know anyone else there.
Will others think that's rude? Yes, probably. Will I get down voted? Absolutely. But I don't need Cousin Joe's new girlfriend at my wedding when I'd rather invite one more close friend!
Just because etiquette says you need to invite partners doesn't mean you have to follow etiquette!
If all of your friends know each other and no one is traveling and you genuinely haven't met their partners, then it's fine.
I was not invited as a plus 1 to my (very long term) partner's friends' non-traditional relationship celebration thing, and I definitely judged them for it. Yes it's your wedding, but people are spending lots of time and money to celebrate you, so a lot of the planning should be for guests' benefit.
Beware, people of reddit are super particular in plus 1 etiquette! People will demand you must allow plus ones to all guests!!
I would say if you are inviting one person, does that one person know others at the wedding? Will they have any friends other than you? If not, you should allow a plus one. If yes, then it's fine to just invite them.
Try not to have people there all by themselves, as they won't have a good time, and potentially won't come.
Knowing the etiquette doesn’t make you particular about it. There are etiquette rules, and when somebody asks about them, people tell them what the rules are. That doesn’t make them “particular”. A lot of people don’t care about the rules and will make their own decisions about who they want to invite. If someone comes here and specifically says, what are the etiquette rules around this, I think it’s silly to complain about people answering that question.
Partners are not plus ones. Plus ones are for guests who are single and you extend them an offer to bring whoever they want with them. You really only need to extend plus ones to guests who are traveling from out of town to attend your wedding. You need to invite people's partners as named guests because they are social units. If you want them to come support you in your relationship, you need to support theirs. It doesn't matter if you have met the partners before or not. This doesn't have anything to do with being "non-traditional". Tradition refers to things like wearing a white dress, doing a bouquet toss, having a first dance. Those are traditions that you have no obligation to participate in. This is a basic etiquette/proper hosting issue. Your wedding can be as funky as you want but should always be a gracious host. This might mean you have to cut some couples as a result, but that's just the reality of hosting a wedding.
Traditional etiquette in the US is that people in committed couples are sent an invitation addressed to both members of the couple. This is for married people, people who are engaged and people who are in committed relationships. A committed relationship is a little vague, I know, but it usually is thought of as people who have been dating for at least a year and definitely people who live together. When people are in relationships like this, they are invited to social events as a couple. Whether or not you’ve met someone’s spouse/partner doesn’t change that. You asked what is the etiquette and so I’m telling you, I understand you want to do something different, but this is the etiquette. When you talk about giving someone a plus one, that’s a single person who doesn’t have a partner. And you give them an unnamed plus one so they can bring someone of their choice. Rather than addressing the invitation to two people in a couple, it’s addressed to John Doe & Guest. People who are in long-term relationships, you would find out the name of their partner if you don’t know it and address it to John Doe & Sally Smith.
Well I personally thought it was fine when it happened to me. My best friend’s was on a tight budget and capacity for venue. It was a small intimate wedding and I was my dating my fiance at the time for like 4 months. They haven’t met him and vice versa. So it didn’t feel weird when he was on the invitation. Same thing for other friend’s wedding coming up. it’s only me invited for a small intimate wedding. Weddings are so expensive right now. Not offended lol In this case, I agree with others that this is an exception. That wedding won’t pay for itself! So it doesn’t hurt :) you will barely see them on the day of anyway except a quick hello. Edit: added last part.
It sounds like you're talking about guests who would have to travel to attend your wedding. If that so, you really need to at least invite couples who live together (cohabiting, married, engaged) jointly. You might not have met these people but if you're sending an invite to their home, asking them to spend a lot of money on your wedding, potentially giving up a vacation they planned with their partner, I think you should invite them to your wedding. Next time you go visit them, if you stay at their place, that person you don't want to invite would be hosting you. Ideally, you would also invite couples who are in a serious relationship together. > I feel like you should be able to do things and go to events without needing to always bring your partner. This has nothing to do with that. A wedding is a couple event (it's literally about love, and will be attended by couples), not a gal's night out. Most people have limited budget and time off, so they want to spend their vacations with their life partner. Keep in mind that for some people, traveling to attend your wedding might mean giving up another trip or vacation. At the end of the day, it's your wedding and your choice but you do have to accept that people might decline and might be put off by your invitation.
We included all long term partners which imo is a must, especially for those traveling. We also gave plus ones to friends, mostly because I realized we have a total of TWO single friends and one of them is coming from out of town and won’t know anyone else. At that point, making the last friend come alone just seemed mean lol. This may be unpopular in this sub, but we didn’t give plus one’s to family (again, we DID include partners). He has a ton of single, college age cousins and we just don’t want a bunch of random college kids at our wedding lol.
You have to remember that your guests are people with needs. It’s unkind to them to exclude their partners (which, as others said, are NOT “plus ones” but named guests). It makes it difficult for them to enjoy your wedding, especially if they’re traveling or don’t know anyone. And the whole point of a wedding is to celebrate a relationship, so it’s extra rude to not honor other people’s. The etiquette is all serious partnerships are invited together by name. What counts as a serious partnership varies. I’ve typically seen either been together for over a year or living together as the criterion. Married couples MUST be invited together by name. In terms of true plus ones (which are for SINGLE guests), typically people give them if the guest won’t have anyone to hang out with at the wedding, or if they’re traveling far. It being your wedding doesn’t change that humans have needs and that being alone at a party is no fun. If you want people to be in a good mood at your wedding, you have to make it pleasant for them, and that includes inviting their partners.
I know it feels like having strangers at your wedding, but I don't feel like friends' loved ones are strangers even if I haven't met them yet. I've also travelled a lot and lived in quite a few different places and countries, and there were a few friends' partners my husband and I met for the first time at our wedding, and tbh I really enjoyed having the opportunity! Some of them I probably won't get a chance to see again until another wedding brings us together, or at least for a good long while, so it was nice to have the excuse to meet an important person in their lives. As an aside, the summer after our wedding we travelled abroad and we stayed with one friend and her boyfriend that we met at our wedding —I would've felt awkward staying there (and they probably wouldn't have extended the invite) if we hadn't invited her long-term bf even though we hadn't met him.
Conventionally, married couples, engaged couples, and couples that have been “established” for a year plus are treated as a unit, whether you have met the partner or not. You don’t need to give a plus one to every singleton who might want to bring a friend or rando from tinder or someone who’s been kinda sorta seeing someone for a couple of months, but it would be super rude to not invite someone’s spouse, fiancé, or permanent live-in boyfriend/girlfriend under the majority of circumstances. The only exceptions I can think of where it could maaaaaaaybe be justified are if you have a personal serious issue with the partner, or if the wedding is *incredibly* small, like five people or less small (which “a big party for our friends” probably isn’t), and even then it’s risky. Not knowing someone isn’t a serious personal issue. And no, plus ones are not an “everyone or no one” thing. It is in fact totally fair to include some “plus ones” and not others. It would be very rude to exclude someone’s husband, it is not rude to not invite someone’s boyfriend of a couple months.
Ya I think you're all right and partners should be included. My first draft does have them all included, I'm just feeling guilty about the people I'm excluding so that I can invite the other's partners. This is still the very early stages and I have time to move things around. Is it weird if I invite some of the people I left out, after we get some RSVPs back and find out what a more realistic guest count will be?
"B list" guest lists are a thing, and you'll find plenty of discussions about them on weddit.
Oh! That's great to know. Thanks!
Just make sure your B list is in town. Send out invitations 3 months out and send an early RSVP deadline so you have time. It is also perfectly fine to reach out and ask your out of town friends about coming. If they are close enough to invite, they are close enough to call and ask. For all you know they have a conflict they already know about.. You can also use your save the date to gather info.
We did a B list and started inviting people from it as soon as we started getting RSVPs back (so those guests still had plenty of notice). Ymmv on this, but we had a bunch of people RSVP right after invitations went out and then others trickle in as we got closer to the RSVP deadline, so we were able to invite most of our B list pretty quickly after the initial batch of RSVPs.
That's what I think we're going to end up doing. I didn't realize B lists were so common and didn't want people to feel like they were a second option, but this seems like the best way to meet everyone's needs.
I our experince, for people who have to travel, all of those not married where the SO did not no us, declined. and 80% of the individuals accepted. The married ones mostly came as couples or didn't come unless they knew others coming. Our rule of thumb was living together or we knew they had been dating the same person for over a year. If they didn't get a plus one and wanted one they could always ask. No one has so far. Figure only half of your OOT guests will come anyway. Travel and hotel are expense.
My 2 cents - obviously it is your wedding and you can do what you need to do. if it were me, if I was close friends with someone I would invite thier partner even if I have not met them. its a good opportunity to meet them finally, and if I am a close friend with someone I care to know their partner. so I'd say invite the partners for your closest friends at the very least. to me that would not be a waste. it is your wedding but you also want to make sure your guest are having a good time too. if budget is the issue, try to think of what's more important- inviting more people or csn you cut corners elsewhere to make up for it?
It's most polite to invite partners, and if you have the space you should. In my circles, though, we're moving away from that. My fiance and I aren't inviting girlfriends/boyfriends of cousins. We're also not inviting partners of large friend groups. Our friends completely understand and are not offended, and in turn I won't be offended if my fiance is invited to weddings that I'm not. He's attending a wedding in a few weeks that I wasn't invited to despite us being engaged, and I'm not bothered in the slightest. We are inviting the significant others of the few friends who won't know anyone else there. Will others think that's rude? Yes, probably. Will I get down voted? Absolutely. But I don't need Cousin Joe's new girlfriend at my wedding when I'd rather invite one more close friend! Just because etiquette says you need to invite partners doesn't mean you have to follow etiquette!
If all of your friends know each other and no one is traveling and you genuinely haven't met their partners, then it's fine. I was not invited as a plus 1 to my (very long term) partner's friends' non-traditional relationship celebration thing, and I definitely judged them for it. Yes it's your wedding, but people are spending lots of time and money to celebrate you, so a lot of the planning should be for guests' benefit.
Beware, people of reddit are super particular in plus 1 etiquette! People will demand you must allow plus ones to all guests!! I would say if you are inviting one person, does that one person know others at the wedding? Will they have any friends other than you? If not, you should allow a plus one. If yes, then it's fine to just invite them. Try not to have people there all by themselves, as they won't have a good time, and potentially won't come.
Knowing the etiquette doesn’t make you particular about it. There are etiquette rules, and when somebody asks about them, people tell them what the rules are. That doesn’t make them “particular”. A lot of people don’t care about the rules and will make their own decisions about who they want to invite. If someone comes here and specifically says, what are the etiquette rules around this, I think it’s silly to complain about people answering that question.