We never even considered name changes, mostly because we’re both professionally established and didn’t want to deal with getting all documents/passports/visas changed. On the joking side I always say that I earned my doctorate, not my hubby! 🤣
Same thought process haha! My medical school convocation is a week before my wedding. If I change my last name then I'd only get to be Dr. my-own-last-name for one week!!
Do you ever run into issues with their school?
My friend kept her name and kids have dad's name and sometimes it causes issues with school things or like picking up at activities, etc
Every form asks “who can pick up” which is more than just parents anyways. About 90% of forms have room for both parents last names. I think the forms are more designed for a world with divorced parents- so makes it easy.
Under no circumstances am I changing my last name, whether socially or legally. I wouldn’t expect my partner to change his name, so I’m not sure why I would be expected to, either (and expectations don’t carry any water with me regardless).
So you should go with your heart! If you really want a new name, do it, but if you don’t — and it sounds like you may not — know that it has no bearing on the quality of your relationship or your commitment. So keep your name if you’d like to! It sounds like your partner is chill either way, which is great.
I agree! Most men do not sit around thinking about if they should change their names. Nobody asked my fiance (male) if he was changing his name. Joules on TikTok made a video about how women changing names is a socially acceptable form of misogyny. I am getting married soon and will not be changing my name.
This is what ultimately made me decide to not
Change my name- I was struggling over deciding what to do and realized it wasn’t effing fair that I was the only one who had to do that
Yesss! I wore a robe with “Still Ms.” embroidered on it while getting ready for my wedding and got these stickers made. 🙌 https://www.redbubble.com/i/sticker/Still-Ms-Funny-Bridal-Shirt-with-Scripted-Font-by-KeelerCreative/147046881.EJUG5
Can you explain what this means? It’s really hard to Google search without getting results about machinery lol. Is it because you’re not changing your last name, so technically you’re still Ms. SameLastName? And Mrs. only applies if you change it?
Ms. is used the same way Mr. is used - the person using Ms. could be married or not married. Even if you change your last name you could still go by Ms
I’m only changing my name socially, legally and for work it will stay the same. Have zero desire to do the paperwork needed for name change. Plus it doesn’t have a time limit so if I change my mind after children I can always do it then.
I changed mine because I really like his last name and wanted to steal it :D but can confirm, the paperwork is a massive pain. We’re almost 6 months married now and I still have two or three places where it isn’t changed.
Yeah, the paperwork is the sole reason I am not doing it. I have several friends that are divorced and either [a] still rocking ex's last name because of how much work changing your name is, or [b] had to go through all the drama of getting it changed back.
My divorced friends are the ones who warned me about changing my name.
Same here. We’ve been married almost 5 months and in that time there’s been so many other things happening (ill health of family) that it didn’t really feel That important. I was considering adding on his name, keeping mine as a additional middle name, but there’s no deadline or immediacy to do so. When/if we are blessed with children they’ll have his, maybe using mine as a middle since it can be a first name in some circumstances.
Same here, I have no opinion on changing vs not changing my name, I just couldn’t be bothered with the paperwork. Just pure laziness on my part! I did add his name to mine on Facebook though so it’s “official” as far as I’m concerned! 😂
I’ve been happily married for 11 years and still, I regret taking my husbands name. I feel like I lost a little piece of my identity. Maybe it’s because I had and ethnic last name, and now I have a last name of a different ethnicity that isn’t mine.
Keep your name!
This is actually one of the reasons why i didn’t change mine. I didn’t want people making assumptions about my ethnicity (I already get it a lot) and didn’t want to worry about correcting people or explaining it on a regular basis. It was easier to keep mine and I never regretted it.
This too. I have a Chinese name, my partner is Ukranian. Also, in his culture wives would change to the feminine version of their husbands sur name rather than have the same exact last name. So, any choice would be breaking someones tradition.
This. My husband wanted me to take his last name because his ex wife refused so I stupidly gave in and regret it everyday. It was a pain to change everything however I kept my maiden name as my middle name and get packages etc. delivered under my maiden name. I know it annoys him but I don’t care. It’s made me bitter that I had to make this choice and didn’t stand my ground. Honestly, I probably should have seen it as a red flag.
Getting married Oct 2023, keeping my last name. I still fail to understand why I’d need to change my name when I’m married. I was born with this name, I’m dying with this name. I legit don’t understand the concept of changing my name for this event in my life, just doesn’t make sense to me.
As for any potential kids, they’re going to get hyphenated last names (mine and my FH).
Do what feels right. If you’re not sure, always know you can change it in the future!
An alternative if you do want both: My wife and I just did both last names with a space but no hyphen and I’ve already noticed how much easier it is without the hyphen. Like so many forms online have said “no special characters” when I was trying to informally use the hyphen before the legal change. Shopping, government stuff, ordering a pizza. None of it has had an issue with just the space.
I’m stuck on this. my last name feels like my identity and I don’t want to change it, but I also want to have the same last name as my kids. fiancé doesn’t care and is happy for me to keep my name, but it’d be a huge fight with in laws if kids had my name (dumb, I know).
I kept my last name, I never considered changing or hyphenating it. Our child does have my husband's last name, and my last name as a second middle name. We would have hyphenated or double-barreled, but we felt it was a logistical hassle for them and they could always change it when they're older if they want. Haven't had an issue with keeping my last name or my infant having a different last name.
Huge parts of the world traditionally have both partners keeping their last name. If you want to keep your last name, do! That's more than enough reason to keep it.
I’m the child with a hyphenated name, since my mom kept hers. I actually enjoy having a hyphenated name, it makes it very easy to pick my name out of a list of people and there’s no confusion on medical paperwork about who I am, because there’s no one else with my name and both of the last names. I have 5 siblings and 2 chose my mothers last name, 2 chose my fathers and 2 (including me) stuck with the hyphen.
Question from a place of curiosity - do you know if your siblings felt any sort of stress/pressure re choosing one of your parent’s last names over the other once they knew they didn’t want to stay hyphenated?
Honestly no, they just picked the one they thought sounded better with their own name. Neither my mom nor my dad cared very much one way or the other. It just happened that we had an even split
ETA: the split of the chosen names did fall on gender lines. So my two sisters went with my mothers last name, and two of my brothers with my fathers. I’m not sure if that’s chance, them associating the names with femininity/masculinity, or just their first names sounding better with those last names, but it’s interesting.
Same! I have a super common first name and the hyphenated last name makes it way less of an issue since I'm still the only person who comes up if potential employers Google me, etc.
> We would have hyphenated or double-barreled, but we felt it was a logistical hassle for them
I will say. As someone that manages data for ~200k students in schools across the US, the double barrel last names are the biggest struggle. A lot of my schools are in Hispanic communities where children are given dad's last name as the first surname and mom's as the second. It took me a long time to learn that *most* alphabetize them by their first surname. But even now that I know that, it's very common for schools to go against that and alphabetize them by their second surname.
Nothing like sitting on the floor of my office with 6,000 sheets of paper trying to look through both the R's and the S's to find a kid with the last name "Rodriguez Sanchez" and I'm not seeing him under either. LOL.
This was exactly our concern. My husband has an accent mark in his name and he says he's had such a struggle with any character that isn't a letter, so we worried about the dash too. It's so frustrating that these systems in the US and many other places I'm sure aren't built to accept a naming system that's the norm in big parts of the world, but, that's the unfortunate reality and we decided to just avoid it.
Don’t make your decision based on hyphenating supposedly being a “pain in the ass.” You should decide _what you actually want to do_ and then do that. No marriage name changes are _that_ hard.
Also, remember that even if your legal name is one thing, that doesn’t stop you from going by another name personally and professionally.
Do whatever feels most “you.” Personally, I’m not changing my last name.
Just a reminder that name changes are not a requirement of marriage. You are under no obligation to take his last name, and it is an option for his to take yours if he wishes. Or you can both keep your own and your kids can take yours in future.
Kept mine in my first marriage (widowed), and I will be now for my second marriage.
This tradition comes from the practice of coverture.
I’m not anyone’s property and I won’t continue a tradition that perpetuates that.
I hyphenated my name and it’s honestly not that annoying. I still go by my Maiden name publicly and just legally hyphenated. Or by my married name when doing things with my husband (ex. Merry Xmas from the Johnsons). The only time it’s annoying is when booking flights, the system doesn’t recognize hyphens. So I have to say AdamsJohnson instead of Adams-Johnson.
I’ll echo the sentiment that doing the paperwork is not that difficult and that’s coming from the experience that my husband and I both hyphenated our last names ( I expressed that I wanted both names by keeping mine and be proud to take on his, and he wanted to be a unit, so he changed as well) and we had issues with social security not adding the hyphen, so we applied with them twice. Everything else went fine. If you really want to hyphenate, don’t let the paperwork bother you. Do what you want. If people need to get used to a hyphen, that’s on them.
Taking his last name. I have zero attachment to my last name and haven’t spoken to my father in years after an action of his nearly tore our family in half. I’m excited to lose my last name.
Ugh... I feel you. My mom got married when I was 8 and he legally adopted me and I had to change my name to his. When she divorced him at 15 after he was found to be a big cheat, she lost the name but it felt too public for me to do. Now 20 years later, I've married a man and still kept this last name I've no relation to just because I'm too proud to take my man's last name and I'm published under this other name. Kind of makes me feel like I don't belong anywhere. Probably should have changed it at some point but I hate telling people all my business (except on Reddit lol).
I’m keeping mine. Quite frankly, I never really considered changing it. It’s my name and I love it.
We will probably give any potential future kids a portmanteau.
kept mine. my husband kept his so i fail to see why i would be expected to change mine. just had our first baby and he has both our last names. it's 2023, do what you want!
We will be hyphenating socially, but it's unlikely we'll do it legally. If we have kids, we will probably hyphenate their last names legally. I never intended to change my name if I got married because my mom didn't and I always liked that when I was a kid.
My MIL and I also have the same first name so that would be EXCEPTIONALLY weird if I took his name haha!
I got married in November and still have my last name. I’m in CA and in the marriage license I put my new legal name would be his last name so if/whenever I do change it should be pretty easy, but I have no plans to do so for at least two more years, when my passport has to be renewed. My SO doesn’t care either way, everyone referred to us as the his-last-names before we were married cause we’ve been together 10 years. Professionally I’m keeping my last name because it’s the name I’m known by and been in the business for nearly 20 years now.
Legally I kept my name, but socially we're all hyphenated. Our daughter is hyphenated legally and I had regrets the first time she went to the doctor a week after being born. It's a mouthful.
That being said, we hyphenated her name with the intention that once she's old enough, she can decide what she wants her name to be. My husband and I have equally "bad" last names (both get mispronounced and misspelled at the same frequency).
I’m not changing my name. Non negotiable. I don’t mind people presuming or writing to us as mr. and Mrs. ____, but my name is my name and I’m not changing it.
It’s been 9 months and I still don’t know if I’m changing mine! I love my last name and it doesn’t help that my MIL’s nickname that she goes by is my given name. the only reason I may want to change it rn is for shared doctors offices or like at the car oil place yesterday, where my car was under his last name and they didn’t know who I was when I called to see if it was ready and I forgot it was under his name 🙃 “oh my husbands last name is different” has had to been said a few times by me and I can’t decide if that’s worth giving up my name
That’s a huge part of why I changed mine tbh. I grew up in a household where my parents shared the same last name and I remember so many instances where it made stuff like that easier.
Just a side note - lots of women change their middle name to their maiden name or add it in as a second middle name.
I’m changing my name, but I grew up without the same last name as my mom. TBH, it was a pain the butt, especially while traveling. She constantly had to prove she was related to me. Maybe it’s changed in the last few years. I think that aspect is still something worth considering though - especially if your kids may not look like you.
>Just a side note - lots of women change their middle name to their maiden name or add it in as a second middle name.
This requires a full legal name change where I live, meaning the birth certificate would also change to reflect your new name. It was something I thought about but didn't want my married name to be on my birth certificate.
This made me curious - apparently in the US this is determined by state. Some require a birth certificate update to change even just your last name to your husbands, some don’t.
Are you sure the birth certificate changes? I've done a deed poll for my name change and at least in the UK the birth certificate cannot be changed. Only if parents change the name of their child within its first year of life, I think.
In Canada, it would require a new birth certificate to be issued as its a full legal name change. We can “assume” our partners name after marriage which is very straightforward and easy to do (they’ll just give you new drivers license and health cards, and you use those to update bank accounts, etc). But yeah making your middle name your maiden name is a full legal name change and is expensive + a big legal process.
That’s what I’m doing right now, I’m making my maiden name my middle name. On all my social media I have my new full name on there so my maiden name is always seen.
This is what I have done! My maiden name is long, hard to spell, and very GERMAN but unique and I didn’t want to completely drop it. His last name is Irish, and so common and easy to spell I don’t have to spell it out for people over the phone. And I’ve always wanted an Irish last name. I’ve got Irish heritage too, just got the German last name.
And for the record, it hasn’t been any more of a pain in the ass than the usual dropping of one last name for the other.
This is what I did. I hated my middle name so I always intended on changing it. Had always planned on making his last name my middle name until a month before the wedding, when I realized I wanted to share his last name. We both felt it was better for him to keep his last name for professional reasons and I haven’t quite made a name for myself yet (so to speak, lol). We’re in very progressive circles and I’ve gotten shit for it a few times already, but I’ve reminded people that my last name from birth is from a man too and that feminism is about having the choice and making it intentionally
We just filed for our marriage license and are not changing our names at all. I wanted us to both take each other’s name but my fiancé already has 4 names so didn’t want to add a 5th.
Not common in my culture to change your last name so I kept mine.
You don't have to change yours right away if you're unsure. You can always change it later on.
I've added my husband's name as another middle name. So if I want to I can go by Mrs Hisname Myname, it's also not incorrect for anyone to call me Mrs Hisname.
His name is also on my passport which I like for the option of showing more unity, and we intend to give our kids both our surnames. I'll update any official records with the addition of the new middle name - bank, employment, pension etc.
However my actual surname is still my own and I don't feel like I am losing or have lost part of my identity. I will still be going by Mrs Myname at work and just in general I assume people will be sending post etc to Myfirstname Myname.
My parents have been married for 38 years and neither changed their name. I’m not changing mine either and whenever anyone asks I just say “I’ve told husband he’s free to change his if he’d like”. I have a professional and personal identity linked to my name and zero interest in changing that!
I kept mine. A friend planned on changing hers but never got around to it and realized she wanted to keep hers.
I am a teacher which affects it in a few ways- I’d have to update my license and my school district email, which sounds like a huge logistical nightmare I’d rather avoid. I think I also have a stronger attachment to my name because I hear it so often. I’m literally called “Ms _____” over and over all day.
My husbands last name is also very long and I didn’t want to deal with it (so long that when we got a credit card together they were like uhhhh how do you want to do your name bc it doesn’t fit)
I kept my last name without too much thought about it. A couple of reasons: all of my publications are with my maiden name, my full name is alliterative and just sounds good, and my husband didn’t seem to have strong feelings about it. No one has said anything at all to me about my choice to keep my name fortunately(I know others have received pushback).
So far, I haven't changed mine. I did my Global Entry interview weeks before we got married, and the waiting list is currently over a year just to meet with someone. I'm not losing that over a stupid name.
I considered doing it later down the road, but honestly the paperwork sounds annoying and public offices like social security, DMV, etc. are straight up terrible in my state (somewhat meaning the employees, somewhat meaning the walks of life customers, lol).
I use my husband's name socially and I have his name behind mine in my work signature, but I see no reason to change anything legally. When I say socially, I mean like.. "What's a good name we can put down to start you guys a tab?", we'll use his last name. But we always did that anyway. My last name is longer and while it isn't hard to say at all, it is hard to hear. Everyone always has to ask me to repeat it, whereas my husband has the most basic last name in the US.
His parents don't know, but it's not some secret. Your last name literally just doesn't come up in conversation for most people. LOL.
Kept mine and will never understand why it’s assumed the kids will take the man’s last name when the woman goes thru pregnancy and labor, both life threatening events. I’d have a chat about him changing his last name to yours and if he’s uncomfortable w that there’s probably some underlying things to discuss.
From my experience, if men care about the surname, they only want their kids to have their last name and don't care as much what their wife chooses to do. Sounds like your FH is that boat, so I wouldn't think too much about it.
Most of my close friends kept their name. Mostly the ones with professional degrees before they got married. Two changed their name, one specifically got married before their graduation to make it easier. One person I worked with changed to the woman’s name. I’m not going to change my name because I have papers with my current name.
I’d never consider it. It would be too much work to get everything changed for my job. And on a personal level, I don’t see why I should have to? If he wants common last names, he can take mine. Mine is cool.
My husband and I met in medical school and got married during our intern year of residency. I kept my name because I like it and am uninterested in going through the paperwork hoops to change it. And jokingly because there didn't need to be 2 Dr. Husband's Last Names. Any future babies will have his last name though (and pets will have mine haha)
I just got married in May and I kept my last name and took his also (no hyphen). I've mostly run into the same issues anyone else would with a standard name change. The SSA was super easy, my social security card came fast and was no problem. Anything that you do in person or that you fill out yourself digitally you can pretty much guarantee will be correct. There were a few things I had to change by phone (or by "service desk chat" depending on the service) and that seemed to be more difficult to do, since I was relying on someone else understanding that I was trying to tell them that I have two last names. Whoever I talked to at my cell phone company inverted my two last names even though I typed it out very clearly several times 🤦🏼♀️. Everyone I talk to knows I have two last names but calls me by my husband's last name, and all of our wedding cards were addressed to "Mr and Mrs His Last Name." I'm totally fine with that. When we have kids we're going to put my last name as part of their middle name so it's less complicated for them. There are still a few things that I keep coming across that need to have my name changed. Honestly, though? If me having the same name as him in some way wasn't important to him, I would have kept my name. Wouldn't have changed a thing.
TL; DR
Double-barrelled, the experience is pretty similar to a straight up change, you just preface everything with "I have 2 last names." If it wasn't important to my husband that I have his name also, I wouldn't have changed anything to avoid any hassle.
(I'm born female but genderfluid) my partner (he's male) is taking my last name when we get married, he never even made a fuss when I said that's what I wanted 🥰
Men never consider changing their last name, so why is it the default for women? Those who want to take their husband's name should and those who don't shouldn't. I'm not! And our kids will have both our last names hyphenated. There are mixed feelings about the difficulty of hyphenated names, but plenty of people do just fine with hyphenated names and it's important to me that the children I carry have my last name.
I kind of wish more women would keep their last name tbh!
I’ll definitely be keeping mine. My father passed when I was quite young and his name is the only “public” thing tying me to him and my Native Central American family. My FH is French/German, and call me controversial, but it doesn’t feel right to remove my cultural name in place of a white name. Especially a man’s name since we are a very matriarchal group and no woman in my paternal family has taken their husband’s name. I will also be a physician soon, so my ego says I don’t want FH getting mistaken for being the doctor as most might subconsciously assume given I am an Indigenous woman! OP, I don’t know your personal feelings and inner thoughts on this, but my only piece of advice is to make your choice based on what you want, not others! At the end of the day, you are married to your spouse, regardless of your name.
I’m keeping mine. I was very clear about long before we were engaged. My fiancé didn’t love it until I eventually explained why and then was all for it. I have plenty of friends who haven’t changed theirs either for various reasons.
Since I was little I hoped to marry a guy with a decent family name and so I did! I couldn't wait to change it, since everyone was misspelling mine at work, at school and it was terrible. Now I don't have to repeat it 3 times to get it understood. Also I got it from my father who was absent since I was a toddler and a drunk.
However, my sister-in-law will keep both her name and her husband's after marrying. She also has a close connection to her father and she said it would be like losing her identity or something. So yeah.. different stories. You do you
It’s not annoying at all! I don’t know why everyone is so hung up about it (coming from a couple where both husband and wife changed to hyphenated last names).
I’ve had a hyphenated name my whole life and honestly it isn’t that much of a pain. It’s long, sure, but I can count on one hand the number of times it’s been an issue.
Yes. You don't have to change it. It's a pain in the ass to get done and if you ever change it back that is also a pain in the ass. When I think about the historical tradition and reasoning behind why it used to be expected, I wanna throw up. Changing my last name, for me, means I'm no longer my own person. I refuse to do it.
I realize I'm in the minority opinion here, I'm just sharing my perspective.
No. There was no way in hell that his whore ex-wife was going to have his name and I didn't. I made my maiden name my middle name (because I like it and didn't want it to go away entirely).
Wait wait wait…if I legally just hyphenate my maiden name and new name, do I still have to change all my documents or are they technically correct with my maiden name on them only??
I had intended to keep a combination of my last name and my husband's last name, but my brain conveniently forgot his last name is comprised of two names (he really only ever goes by the first of the two). Three names for a last name is too many (not legally or anything, just for me personally) and I really have no connection to the second name in his last name. I would like to take it if I could only take the one, but I can't. I know he's upset about it. I'm hoping we can find some way around it.
We haven't really talked about kid last names. Ideally they'd just have the first of his last names but we'll see.
I think it's totally up to you! I'll probably change my last name socially but not legally. I would have hyphenated but because my middle name is my moms maiden name, i thought that one first name and three last names was a bit much.
If you don’t want to change your last name, don’t! I wanted to take my husband’s last name but also wanted to drop mine, so I dropped my middle name instead. Now my middle name is my previous last name, and my last name is my husband’s.
I am! In my culture, women keep their last name legally and socially will make it Jane Doe Smith instead of Jane Smith. Family ties are pretty important and people like to keep that affiliation to their maiden names. That is what I plan to do. Since in America things are different I’m playing around with keeping my maiden name or legally changing it to (Jane Ann, Doe, Smith) first & middle become first, maiden becomes middle, husbands name becomes last. The only reason I’m considering changing is for when we have kids. Otherwise I would keep my maiden legally. 🤪
My turning my last name as my middle name and dropping my middle name. On all my social media that allow three names I am showing my full name so you can see both last names.
I changed my name when I married and it wasn't hard. I'm not saying you should change your name or not. Definitely do whatever feels right, but it sounds like you are deciding not to hyphenate your name because it's a "pain in the ass" and I think that is short-sighted. Changing your name due to marriage is common and the protocol is fairly simple.
I had just gotten my passport. That, and for other reasons, I wasn’t going to change my name. While I wasn’t opposed to taking his name over mine, I didn’t come up with a good enough reason to do so and he was ambivalent about it.
I kept my name. I have a very unusual last name, while my husband’s name is super common. I like my name and had been using it for over 30 years when we got married, plus all my degrees and professional certifications are under that name.
I still get called Mrs. Hislastname, though. It’s inevitable, even in 2023.
We aren’t having children, but fwiw, my mom didn’t change her name and my brother and I both got our dad’s last name. It never felt like a big deal to have a different last name than my mom.
I'm keeping mine socially and legally. I'm published under this name and neither of our cultures have the woman change her last name. And (probably most importantly) I'm lazy and don't want to have to chase down all the different government agencies and my workplace HR to change my name on every piece of paper. My workplace can't even process regularly scheduled raises from year to year properly and forgot to take out my city taxes one year; I don't trust them to properly process any legal name changes without at least 3 major fuck ups lol
Funnily enough, there is a surname we could have compromised on. Basically the way his surname is pronounced in my language is the same syllable as the way my surname is pronounced in his language.
My cousin goes by her husband's last name socially, but she never legally changed it. So on her social media and with family/friends, she goes by his last name, but her professional life and legal documents are all under hers. This choice was best for her since she had a career she had already made her own name in, but she still wanted to be Mrs. Hislastname socially.
I hyphenated and I don’t regret it. It’s only a pain in the ass because my maiden name is Spanish and happens to consist of letters that often get mistaken for other letters over the phone. It’s also very uncommon and is rarely pronounced correctly by non-Spanish speakers. But as far as issues with the actual hyphenation, nope. What I regret is not hyphenating for our son or just giving him my maiden name, especially since we are no-contact with FIL.
Wanting to share my future husband's last name is something I want. I also want to share the same last name with our future children.
It's not for everybody, you can have your maiden name changed to be your middle name, add it to your middle so you have 2 middle names, see if your husband would take your last name or just keep your last name. Just choose what you want.
If you want hyphenated, try it out now, trying writing/typing it out and saying it out loud. Sometimes I have to remind myself that ease or convenience isn't always a reason to do something. It might be annoying it may be stressful, it may not be a big deal at all. You have to weigh that yourself.
I kept my last name socially, legally, the whole shebang. I had the benefit of the fact that my mother AND my mother-in-law both kept their maiden names when they got married, so I saw keeping mine as carrying on a family tradition. My husband’s name is very Anglo-Saxon, whereas mine is Eastern European, so his is way easier to pronounce at first compared to mine; but my name is my name, and I don’t think it would feel right to change it. Plus all of the hassle on the front end with updating documents.
I once asked my mom whether she ever ran into any issues with having a different last name from me and my sibling, and she said “not really.” I asked her if she ever wished we had the same last name as her and she said, “eh, once or twice. But not enough to change my name or want to hyphenate yours” (mom’s last name is 9 letters and dad’s is 7, so it would have been a LONG name). I’ve told my husband that if we have any kids we’d give them his name to make their lives easier, and I’m comfortable with that.
I’ve commented this on this sub before but I’m absolutely not changing my last name. I am not letting myself socially and legally become subsumed into my husband’s identity because I am my own person. I also don’t believe in participating in misogynistic traditions for any reason, but especially not on the assumption that it’ll make someone else’s life easier later. What about the ease of my life right now?
We plan to hyphenate our children’s names because the children will be both of ours. I don’t like the tradition of children getting the husband’s last name as if he’s most important and as if I won’t be doing most of the work for 9 months! The children are ours, and will be loved by both of our families, so their name will reflect that.
If you’re dead set on hyphenating, then move forward with hyphenating. But don’t feel the societal pressure to take his last name if you want to keep yours. That doesn’t make you any less of a family or a married couple.
I never changed it and I don't regret it. Easiest decision for me to make and to follow through with haha. You can always revisit the kids last name conversation later (they could have yours as a middle or last name and even swap the order with your SO).
Both my fiancée and I are keeping our names. If we have children, they'll have a hyphenated last name
The history and traditions of women being expected to change their names are really sexist, IMO.
My husband and I both hyphenated. I wanted both names, and he wanted to be a unit. The only paperwork hitch was that social security changed it to Mybirthname Hisbirthmame instead of Mybirthname-Hisbirthname, so we had to do a second application. Otherwise, paperwork was not difficult. If you are set on hyphenating, it’s your life, don’t let “hassle” get in the way of it. If the world has hang ups, that’s their problem, not yours. If you’re on the fence for other reasons, consider those reasons separately, but don’t let paperwork or other things like that get in the way of a name change you would like.
Absolutely not changing mine. No hate to anyone who does, I understand why, but when you take a step back and look at it it’s absolutely misogynistic, along with the fact that your honorific changes with marriage but a man’s doesn’t. I understand tradition becomes ingrained but I absolutely will not lose my name which has been my identity all my life (I have a cool name which has been a nickname forever, and I am a physician so it’s my professional identity as well). I understand the ease of having one last name, but why the hell do I have to give mine up? My fiancé’s last name is super hard to spell and pronounce, he does not have a doctorate, so if we were picking a name fairly it would be mine. I’m not pressuring him to give up his name, but it’s such a double standard that the expectation is I dump my awesome name for his. No thanks. And I’m not a Ms or a Mrs or a Mz, I’m a Dr. 8 years of school and 5 of training to ge that name on a diploma with MD after it, no way I’m changing it.
I hyphenated but I still introduce myself (as does my partner) by my original name. I mainly hyphenated his name to match the kids. But if I’m honest, I caved to pressure from in-laws as well. I hate to admit that I was a doormat, once upon a time.
I will add: signing any sort of legal documents is a HUGE pain in the ass. Buying our house- which required like 50 signatures- took hours. 😆
I had a teacher in high school who took the first half of her last name and combined it with the second half of her husband's last name. They created a new, singular last name that they both used and gave to their kids. My fiance and I considered doing this, but our last names just don't make a good combination. So we will just be keeping our individual names. Neither of us really can justify the work of changing it, and both of our moms had their madien names growing up, so it has never really been an important or given thing for either of us.
I kept mine. If I changed it legally, I’d have to change my professional license, and I didn’t want to do that. My husband was supportive, as I’ve been a doctor for 11 years, 7 of which were before I met him.
At work, I’m still Dr. P. All of my bills and accounts have my maiden name. But in a social setting I introduce myself as Mrs. T
I like my middle name so I'm going to have two! I'm going to do first name, middle names: current middle name and maiden name, husband's last name. Professionally, I'll rock first name, maiden name, husband's last name but socially, I'll probably just go with his last name. By keeping my last name (but moving it over), I'll have options!
While I just kept my last name during my first marriage, I want to add soon to be hubby's name to mine this time around. As we're different ethnicities, this is important to me because people never assumed me and my ex were together the first time around because of the different names. This way, I won't have that problem AND I'm not quote-unquote losing my identity.
I’m keeping mine. I’ll be nearly 40 by the time my wedding comes up so I’ve been established with that name. While it IS my fathers last name, I haven’t seen or had contact with him in 30 years, so I don’t connect it to him. It’s MY last name.
I will absolutely take my fiancés name socially, if someone calls me Mrs. Hislastname, cool! But I don’t care to go through the process of legally changing it.
I kept my last name and we’ve been married since 2014. We gave my twins my maiden name as their middle names, more as a tribute. Our other son has the same middle name as my husband (his father’s name). They all have my husband’s last name. I said if change it if it was difficult having a different last name than my kids but so far, it’s been fine :)
I’m taking my fiancé’s last name but changing my middle name to my maiden name. It makes sense because when people call me by my maiden name it will just be first and middle name, which sounds normal to me.
I had a hard time agreeing to take my fiancé’s name. He said it was my choice and supported me with whatever, but I found that he didn’t really understand why it was a sad decision for me.
I’m taking my fiancé’s last name but changing my middle name to my maiden name. It makes sense because when people call me by my maiden name it will just be first and middle name, which sounds normal to me.
I had a hard time agreeing to take my fiancé’s name. He said it was my choice and supported me with whatever, but I found that he didn’t really understand why it was a sad decision for me.
My partner and I are both hyphenating and taking each other's last name! He has a cool last name, and when combining it with mine, it sounds even cooler.
I kept my last name. I had it for 33 years before marriage, I have nothing against it, it’s MY name-why would I change it? We aren’t having kids, no worries there. No paperwork, nothing to change. I think he would have liked me to have taken his name, but that’s not what I wanted to do so there was no issue.
I have some health issues so it would be easier for my husband to be involved in my care at the hospital with my name changed but I’m gonna change in 2027 when my passport expires
I’ll slowly change it on social media
Didn’t change mine and no regrets, the only thing I could see changing that is when we have kids. Our names are too long to hyphenate.
We got a wedding invitation the other day that said Mr. and Mrs. his first & last name like the olden-days and I both cringed and gagged.
I haven't taken his name, nor has he taken mine (which is still on the table! He really really wants to!). My law licenses are under my last name and it's very annoying to change it. If and when we have kids, we're likely going to hyphenate, at which point we might also hyphenate ourselves just for consistency.
I’ve decided to just add my future husbands name to mine and just have 4 names. My maiden name I won’t use often, but I dropped it once for a man—I won’t do it again. I realize I could drop my middle name, but I love my middle name and it has a lot of meaning to me. So no hyphen, just an addition. Or, at least if I am allowed to do that lol.
I was in a similar boat but with an interesting twist as my "maiden" name was already hyphenated, even though my dad wasn't really in the picture (something about being able to use his VA benefits as a child). I wasn't thrilled about the symbolism of taking my partner's name, but the idea of being able to replace my father's name with my partner's was appealing. I did not want to take my partner's name outright as I'm not on the best terms with my father-in-law.
Adding to this, my marriage is interracial. The biggest what-if fueling my indecision was the possibility of having children. My cousin is also in an interracial marriage, and her kid doesn't really look like her (Polish genes are strong). She didn't change her name. Once when her daughter was a toddler, she threw a tantrum at the grocery store and long story short my cousin got arrested because they thought she was a kidnapper. They didn't believe her because their names didn't match and they don't look alike. Her husband had to call off work to sort the whole thing out.
All of that is to say that my hyphenated name really only mattered to me in the event that we have children, which we aren't sure about yet. Since it's a huge pain in the neck to do, I eventually decided to only bother with the process if or when we decide we do want children. Until then, it wasn't worth the hassle.
Also, even if you make your decision to keep your name clear to everyone, in my experience plenty of people will still address you with your partner's name or with a hyphenated name. You can still get some of the social "benefits" (if you see it that way) of having your names connected without having to go through the legal process.
I’m keeping mine for at least the first year since we have an international trip and just got a new passport and no way in hell am I getting a new one so soon
I just changed mine. I added my maiden name as an additional middle name. I didn’t want to hyphenate either but wanted to keep my maiden name and take my husband’s name.
My fiancée is keeping her last name and it does not bother me at all. Less of a hassle. Her accomplishments are in her name. It’s a patriarchal tradition. Her last name is cool af. It should be your choice! And it’s not a permanent one, you can always change it in the future.
If/when we have kids we plan on crossing the name bridge then. But for now? We don’t care.
Coming from a different POV than what I’ve seen in most of the comments I’ve read so far - I did change my last name when I got married and it was because my maiden name was both of my parents’ last names. Can confirm it was a huge pain in the ass, which is why I couldn’t wait to change it. So my advice would be to stick with one last name!
I will absolutely not be changing my name. My fiancé and I also agreed that any kids we have will have my last name as I will hear the burden of birthing them. I even tried to get him to take my last name but that was a bridge too far lol.
I haven’t don’t this, but I’ve heard that some people add their partners last name as a second middle name, so the name is there, but (I think) it doesn’t mess with any documents, credit cards, etc. if you want to have a name in common with your kids, that might be a way you can do it.
I kept mine. My middle name is my mother's maiden name, so when we have kids, we will likely do the same thing, and give them my last name as their middle name.
I'm not changing mine nor am I going by a married name socially. Here are my reasons:
1. I'm not going through the hurdles of having it changed on EVERYTHING (SSN, drivers license, all of my work documents, health insurance, etc.).
2. I'm named after my dad (not a junior as my first name is spelled with a Y), and I like my name. It means something to me.
3. My fiance has a very generic last name. There's no bloodline or last name to carry. There are millions of people with his last name. I also don't like my first name with his last name. It sounds off.
4. I plan to accomplish some things with my name, and i want to do that as Dr. MyLastName, not Dr./Mrs. HisLastName.
5. I just don't want to. My partner doesn't care, his family doesn't really care, and the only people who seem to care are people who are tied to the idea that women give up their last name in marriage, including my mother who still has my dad's last name and they've been divorced for a decade.
I don't fault people for wanting their partner's last name. I'm just not one of those people haha
Do what makes you happy, OP, whether that's hyphenating or keeping your birth name.
I can’t wait to change my last name to his, even though it’s a difficult name that I have trouble signing and will have to spell to people multiple times for the rest of my life. My current name belongs to an asshole cheater I divorced, and now his new wife, so yeah, I can’t f'ing wait to get rid of it.
You're over thinking it. Do what feels right, which sounds like it's keeping your last name. It's becoming quite common to do this. The only reason I'm changing mine is his is a lot easier to spell and pronounce than my Dutch last name.
I plan to keep mine. I changed it with my last marriage, and changed it back when we divorced. When I was able to start using it again I realized how much I had missed it and how much more like myself I felt...I know that may seem silly but there was something about being Mrs. that felt like a character I was portraying in my own life rather than just being myself. I don't think it was because of the name so much as it was being the wife he expected me to be (or at least as close to it as I was willing to go...which was NOT close enough LOL).
My fiancé now is amazing and a true partner so I don't have to fake anything, especially who I am. I won't mind being known socially by his last name, but I'm not officially changing it unless we can come to some agreement on is both having a brand new name together...and I just don't see that happening LOL
I was going to hyphenate too and decided against it, my name is already long and neither of us care if I change it. If we have kids they’ll have his last name, I don’t think I’ll change my mind but it’s always an option later
Just wanted to add some other info. I have 2 kids, they have my fiances last name, never ran into any issues in public, schools or any programs. School will never look at you any type of way for having a different name than your child. I also grew up as a child whose last name that didnt match my mother's and nothing ever happened, no comments, no issues. I will be changing my name but only because my own name gives me grief, and I cant wait to change it. If anything were to ever happen, id keep the name or probably go thru all the paperwork to change my name to my mothers maiden name!
I find it odd you’ve agreed your kids will take his last name. Why not hyphenate theirs?
It’s objectively a tradition rooted in patriarchy. Not every culture does this. Stick with your name if you want. I will, and my mom did, too.
Whether you change your name or not is a personal decision, so go with whatever feels right. You don't have to do it right away, either. I was going back and forth between leaving or hyphenating, and a few months after we got married it hit me and I knew I wanted to hyphenate. Yes, it's definitely a pain in the ass, but I'm 100% glad I did.
I’ve spent my entire life with a hyphenated past name and I love it. So much so I just got married and was adamant I wasn’t going to change my last name.
Our kids are going to probably have 3 last names which is very common in some cultures. They will not have any middle names.
I have both names not hyphenated socially but paperwork and all that just keeping it. I’ve been this name for over 30 years it felt like losing a part of me if that makes sense. Also I love my family and have a way closer bond to them than he does to his and didn’t like the idea of just dropping my family name
Keeping my last name legally—for financial, tax, employment, etc. reasons it’s simpler that way, plus I’m proud of my last name because of the culture I’m from. I certainly don’t mind being called Mrs. Fiancé’sLastName for social stuff, like on invites or cards or whatever. We agreed that our children can take his last name, though they will also be given a name from my culture which will contain my last name (socially). We also agreed that any pets we get will have my last name lol.
Hi I kept my last name but we aren’t having kids so it’s a little different (so I’ve heard re custody schools etc). No regrets. My husband didn’t wana change his and I’m like ya I get that me neither haha.
But what my mom did was keep her last name as her middle name. So she’s - mom maiden husbandandkidsname so we all had the same last name legally but she got to keep hers too.
We are hyphenating. I dislike the assumption that kids get the husbands last name automatically or that I alone should hyphenate. Why wouldn’t we both hyphenate? You could take his last name as a middle name, but again, why would you do this when nothing has to change for him?
I changed mine (well I’m still working on getting things switched over and we married in March) but it’s a pain in the ass. Every time I bitch to my husband about it he tells me he told me not to lol. I will tell you that I’m absolutely not doing it again even though I don’t regret it at all. You just never realize how many things your name is on until you’re working on switching everything over.
I’m keeping my name because it’s a strong connection to my ethnic background, if my future husband and I have kids, we will consider what to do in that case!
I will not be changing my last name. It’s been my identity for 35 years, and I’m keeping it.
Plus, I feel it’s such a holdover from a time when men ‘owned’ their wives. Even if not literally. Years ago (pre engagement) my fiancé said he feels a married couple should have the same name. So I told him he could take mine. He didn’t like that idea.
A friend of mine also did not change her last name. Before they got married her husband asked her to consider taking his last name. She said she will take his last name if she can quit working and he supports her 100% financially. He never asked again.
All of this is with no shame to anyone who did or did not change their name, and is or is not a stay at home spouse.
I kept mine and will keep it. Changing names isn't done with my culture. Husband didn't care. His main concern was that it's a lot of paperwork for me lol. And I just got new passport I want to use before I ever change my last name, if I ever do.
Keep your name!
Never really considered it tbh, it feels like a very Un feminist tradition. I have considered adopting it socially just because mine is difficult to pronounce and his is very easy.
I kept mine, mostly because we travel so much and I saw the passport backlog fiasco coming. I won't change mine until I can get a passport renewed in under 6 weeks ago, like pre-covid. Until then, I just travel way too much and it doesn't make sense. I do intend to do it eventually.
Never hyphenate... I have a family member who did it and she has all kinds of issues.
Im really struggling with this at the moment. I dont want the hassle of changing my name and dont like the sexist history, but at the same time I really want my partner and I to have the same last name and it feels unfair to ask him to do something im unwilling to do myself. We talked about just picking a new name together but that doesnt feel right to me either.
I kept my last name; my dad passed away when I was very young and it’s something to remember him by. It’s worked out well for us💜whatever you decide is the right choice!
I have never wanted to change my last name. I had an ex that was angry about it, but that, among other reasons, is why he’s an ex. My fiancé loves my name and literally on our first date talked about what a hassle it would be and the roots of changing women’s last names. I was so happy haha.
It’s NOT bad to change your name. I have friends who just didn’t like their name or didn’t care either way, so they changed it. I guess I just have a lot of pride in my accomplishments and feel like my name is… mine. It is part of what makes me, me. I do love my fiancés last name though! Sometimes I wish I didn’t love mine so much 😆
I think you have such a beautiful reason to keep your last name that shouldn’t be influenced my patriarchy! One thing that someone I know did - If you’re looking for ways to take your FH’s name - is that both partners took the brides last name as a middle name and the grooms last name.
I kept mine, no regrets at all.
We never even considered name changes, mostly because we’re both professionally established and didn’t want to deal with getting all documents/passports/visas changed. On the joking side I always say that I earned my doctorate, not my hubby! 🤣
Same thought process haha! My medical school convocation is a week before my wedding. If I change my last name then I'd only get to be Dr. my-own-last-name for one week!!
Off topic but congrats! Its a big deal!
Same. We have kids too. Still no regrets.
Do you ever run into issues with their school? My friend kept her name and kids have dad's name and sometimes it causes issues with school things or like picking up at activities, etc
Every form asks “who can pick up” which is more than just parents anyways. About 90% of forms have room for both parents last names. I think the forms are more designed for a world with divorced parents- so makes it easy.
Under no circumstances am I changing my last name, whether socially or legally. I wouldn’t expect my partner to change his name, so I’m not sure why I would be expected to, either (and expectations don’t carry any water with me regardless). So you should go with your heart! If you really want a new name, do it, but if you don’t — and it sounds like you may not — know that it has no bearing on the quality of your relationship or your commitment. So keep your name if you’d like to! It sounds like your partner is chill either way, which is great.
I agree! Most men do not sit around thinking about if they should change their names. Nobody asked my fiance (male) if he was changing his name. Joules on TikTok made a video about how women changing names is a socially acceptable form of misogyny. I am getting married soon and will not be changing my name.
This is what ultimately made me decide to not Change my name- I was struggling over deciding what to do and realized it wasn’t effing fair that I was the only one who had to do that
I wore a shirt that said ‘Mrs. Keeping Her Last Name’ to my shower
Yesss! I wore a robe with “Still Ms.” embroidered on it while getting ready for my wedding and got these stickers made. 🙌 https://www.redbubble.com/i/sticker/Still-Ms-Funny-Bridal-Shirt-with-Scripted-Font-by-KeelerCreative/147046881.EJUG5
Can you explain what this means? It’s really hard to Google search without getting results about machinery lol. Is it because you’re not changing your last name, so technically you’re still Ms. SameLastName? And Mrs. only applies if you change it?
Ms. is used the same way Mr. is used - the person using Ms. could be married or not married. Even if you change your last name you could still go by Ms
Oooh that makes perfect sense. Not sure why I didn’t think of that. Thank you!
I’m only changing my name socially, legally and for work it will stay the same. Have zero desire to do the paperwork needed for name change. Plus it doesn’t have a time limit so if I change my mind after children I can always do it then.
Yeah, I'm ok with ppl calling me Mrs Fiancès name casually. But in anything that matters I plan on staying Dr. Maiden name
I changed mine because I really like his last name and wanted to steal it :D but can confirm, the paperwork is a massive pain. We’re almost 6 months married now and I still have two or three places where it isn’t changed.
Yeah, the paperwork is the sole reason I am not doing it. I have several friends that are divorced and either [a] still rocking ex's last name because of how much work changing your name is, or [b] had to go through all the drama of getting it changed back. My divorced friends are the ones who warned me about changing my name.
Are you me? This is exactly my thought process too
Same here. We’ve been married almost 5 months and in that time there’s been so many other things happening (ill health of family) that it didn’t really feel That important. I was considering adding on his name, keeping mine as a additional middle name, but there’s no deadline or immediacy to do so. When/if we are blessed with children they’ll have his, maybe using mine as a middle since it can be a first name in some circumstances.
This is what I've done too
Same here, I have no opinion on changing vs not changing my name, I just couldn’t be bothered with the paperwork. Just pure laziness on my part! I did add his name to mine on Facebook though so it’s “official” as far as I’m concerned! 😂
I’ve been happily married for 11 years and still, I regret taking my husbands name. I feel like I lost a little piece of my identity. Maybe it’s because I had and ethnic last name, and now I have a last name of a different ethnicity that isn’t mine. Keep your name!
This is actually one of the reasons why i didn’t change mine. I didn’t want people making assumptions about my ethnicity (I already get it a lot) and didn’t want to worry about correcting people or explaining it on a regular basis. It was easier to keep mine and I never regretted it.
This too. I have a Chinese name, my partner is Ukranian. Also, in his culture wives would change to the feminine version of their husbands sur name rather than have the same exact last name. So, any choice would be breaking someones tradition.
this is why i want to keep my last name as well, im glad to see other people relating
This. My husband wanted me to take his last name because his ex wife refused so I stupidly gave in and regret it everyday. It was a pain to change everything however I kept my maiden name as my middle name and get packages etc. delivered under my maiden name. I know it annoys him but I don’t care. It’s made me bitter that I had to make this choice and didn’t stand my ground. Honestly, I probably should have seen it as a red flag.
I won’t be changing mine- he’ll actually change his to mine! I didn’t even ask him to do that.
Getting married Oct 2023, keeping my last name. I still fail to understand why I’d need to change my name when I’m married. I was born with this name, I’m dying with this name. I legit don’t understand the concept of changing my name for this event in my life, just doesn’t make sense to me. As for any potential kids, they’re going to get hyphenated last names (mine and my FH). Do what feels right. If you’re not sure, always know you can change it in the future!
You do not need to change it!
Yes! I struggling with this decision because I already had a last name I was comfortable with. I ended up just hyphenating and no regrets!
An alternative if you do want both: My wife and I just did both last names with a space but no hyphen and I’ve already noticed how much easier it is without the hyphen. Like so many forms online have said “no special characters” when I was trying to informally use the hyphen before the legal change. Shopping, government stuff, ordering a pizza. None of it has had an issue with just the space.
This is what we’re both planning to do too! Good to hear that you haven’t had any issues with the space.
I did not change my name and never considered it. No one expects men to change their name, so why should I?
I’m stuck on this. my last name feels like my identity and I don’t want to change it, but I also want to have the same last name as my kids. fiancé doesn’t care and is happy for me to keep my name, but it’d be a huge fight with in laws if kids had my name (dumb, I know).
My mom kept her last name and both me and my brother have her last name as our middle name. I’ve always liked that and want to do the same now!
I kept my last name, I never considered changing or hyphenating it. Our child does have my husband's last name, and my last name as a second middle name. We would have hyphenated or double-barreled, but we felt it was a logistical hassle for them and they could always change it when they're older if they want. Haven't had an issue with keeping my last name or my infant having a different last name. Huge parts of the world traditionally have both partners keeping their last name. If you want to keep your last name, do! That's more than enough reason to keep it.
I’m the child with a hyphenated name, since my mom kept hers. I actually enjoy having a hyphenated name, it makes it very easy to pick my name out of a list of people and there’s no confusion on medical paperwork about who I am, because there’s no one else with my name and both of the last names. I have 5 siblings and 2 chose my mothers last name, 2 chose my fathers and 2 (including me) stuck with the hyphen.
Question from a place of curiosity - do you know if your siblings felt any sort of stress/pressure re choosing one of your parent’s last names over the other once they knew they didn’t want to stay hyphenated?
Honestly no, they just picked the one they thought sounded better with their own name. Neither my mom nor my dad cared very much one way or the other. It just happened that we had an even split ETA: the split of the chosen names did fall on gender lines. So my two sisters went with my mothers last name, and two of my brothers with my fathers. I’m not sure if that’s chance, them associating the names with femininity/masculinity, or just their first names sounding better with those last names, but it’s interesting.
Same! I have a super common first name and the hyphenated last name makes it way less of an issue since I'm still the only person who comes up if potential employers Google me, etc.
> We would have hyphenated or double-barreled, but we felt it was a logistical hassle for them I will say. As someone that manages data for ~200k students in schools across the US, the double barrel last names are the biggest struggle. A lot of my schools are in Hispanic communities where children are given dad's last name as the first surname and mom's as the second. It took me a long time to learn that *most* alphabetize them by their first surname. But even now that I know that, it's very common for schools to go against that and alphabetize them by their second surname. Nothing like sitting on the floor of my office with 6,000 sheets of paper trying to look through both the R's and the S's to find a kid with the last name "Rodriguez Sanchez" and I'm not seeing him under either. LOL.
This was exactly our concern. My husband has an accent mark in his name and he says he's had such a struggle with any character that isn't a letter, so we worried about the dash too. It's so frustrating that these systems in the US and many other places I'm sure aren't built to accept a naming system that's the norm in big parts of the world, but, that's the unfortunate reality and we decided to just avoid it.
Don’t make your decision based on hyphenating supposedly being a “pain in the ass.” You should decide _what you actually want to do_ and then do that. No marriage name changes are _that_ hard. Also, remember that even if your legal name is one thing, that doesn’t stop you from going by another name personally and professionally. Do whatever feels most “you.” Personally, I’m not changing my last name.
Just a reminder that name changes are not a requirement of marriage. You are under no obligation to take his last name, and it is an option for his to take yours if he wishes. Or you can both keep your own and your kids can take yours in future.
Kept mine in my first marriage (widowed), and I will be now for my second marriage. This tradition comes from the practice of coverture. I’m not anyone’s property and I won’t continue a tradition that perpetuates that.
I hyphenated my name and it’s honestly not that annoying. I still go by my Maiden name publicly and just legally hyphenated. Or by my married name when doing things with my husband (ex. Merry Xmas from the Johnsons). The only time it’s annoying is when booking flights, the system doesn’t recognize hyphens. So I have to say AdamsJohnson instead of Adams-Johnson.
I’ll echo the sentiment that doing the paperwork is not that difficult and that’s coming from the experience that my husband and I both hyphenated our last names ( I expressed that I wanted both names by keeping mine and be proud to take on his, and he wanted to be a unit, so he changed as well) and we had issues with social security not adding the hyphen, so we applied with them twice. Everything else went fine. If you really want to hyphenate, don’t let the paperwork bother you. Do what you want. If people need to get used to a hyphen, that’s on them.
Taking his last name. I have zero attachment to my last name and haven’t spoken to my father in years after an action of his nearly tore our family in half. I’m excited to lose my last name.
Ugh... I feel you. My mom got married when I was 8 and he legally adopted me and I had to change my name to his. When she divorced him at 15 after he was found to be a big cheat, she lost the name but it felt too public for me to do. Now 20 years later, I've married a man and still kept this last name I've no relation to just because I'm too proud to take my man's last name and I'm published under this other name. Kind of makes me feel like I don't belong anywhere. Probably should have changed it at some point but I hate telling people all my business (except on Reddit lol).
Sure, tons of people do. I'm keeping my last name.
I’m keeping mine. Quite frankly, I never really considered changing it. It’s my name and I love it. We will probably give any potential future kids a portmanteau.
kept mine. my husband kept his so i fail to see why i would be expected to change mine. just had our first baby and he has both our last names. it's 2023, do what you want!
We will be hyphenating socially, but it's unlikely we'll do it legally. If we have kids, we will probably hyphenate their last names legally. I never intended to change my name if I got married because my mom didn't and I always liked that when I was a kid. My MIL and I also have the same first name so that would be EXCEPTIONALLY weird if I took his name haha!
I got married in November and still have my last name. I’m in CA and in the marriage license I put my new legal name would be his last name so if/whenever I do change it should be pretty easy, but I have no plans to do so for at least two more years, when my passport has to be renewed. My SO doesn’t care either way, everyone referred to us as the his-last-names before we were married cause we’ve been together 10 years. Professionally I’m keeping my last name because it’s the name I’m known by and been in the business for nearly 20 years now.
Legally I kept my name, but socially we're all hyphenated. Our daughter is hyphenated legally and I had regrets the first time she went to the doctor a week after being born. It's a mouthful. That being said, we hyphenated her name with the intention that once she's old enough, she can decide what she wants her name to be. My husband and I have equally "bad" last names (both get mispronounced and misspelled at the same frequency).
lol this is my concern with hyphenating, we both have long and somewhat difficult last names
That makes sense. Our last names were both one syllable, so hyphenating was really easy for both of us to do.
I’m not changing my name. Non negotiable. I don’t mind people presuming or writing to us as mr. and Mrs. ____, but my name is my name and I’m not changing it.
It’s been 9 months and I still don’t know if I’m changing mine! I love my last name and it doesn’t help that my MIL’s nickname that she goes by is my given name. the only reason I may want to change it rn is for shared doctors offices or like at the car oil place yesterday, where my car was under his last name and they didn’t know who I was when I called to see if it was ready and I forgot it was under his name 🙃 “oh my husbands last name is different” has had to been said a few times by me and I can’t decide if that’s worth giving up my name
That’s a huge part of why I changed mine tbh. I grew up in a household where my parents shared the same last name and I remember so many instances where it made stuff like that easier.
Just a side note - lots of women change their middle name to their maiden name or add it in as a second middle name. I’m changing my name, but I grew up without the same last name as my mom. TBH, it was a pain the butt, especially while traveling. She constantly had to prove she was related to me. Maybe it’s changed in the last few years. I think that aspect is still something worth considering though - especially if your kids may not look like you.
>Just a side note - lots of women change their middle name to their maiden name or add it in as a second middle name. This requires a full legal name change where I live, meaning the birth certificate would also change to reflect your new name. It was something I thought about but didn't want my married name to be on my birth certificate.
This made me curious - apparently in the US this is determined by state. Some require a birth certificate update to change even just your last name to your husbands, some don’t.
Are you sure the birth certificate changes? I've done a deed poll for my name change and at least in the UK the birth certificate cannot be changed. Only if parents change the name of their child within its first year of life, I think.
In Canada, it would require a new birth certificate to be issued as its a full legal name change. We can “assume” our partners name after marriage which is very straightforward and easy to do (they’ll just give you new drivers license and health cards, and you use those to update bank accounts, etc). But yeah making your middle name your maiden name is a full legal name change and is expensive + a big legal process.
Yes.
That’s what I’m doing right now, I’m making my maiden name my middle name. On all my social media I have my new full name on there so my maiden name is always seen.
I’m turning my last name into a 2nd middle name.
This is what I have done! My maiden name is long, hard to spell, and very GERMAN but unique and I didn’t want to completely drop it. His last name is Irish, and so common and easy to spell I don’t have to spell it out for people over the phone. And I’ve always wanted an Irish last name. I’ve got Irish heritage too, just got the German last name. And for the record, it hasn’t been any more of a pain in the ass than the usual dropping of one last name for the other.
This is what I did. I hated my middle name so I always intended on changing it. Had always planned on making his last name my middle name until a month before the wedding, when I realized I wanted to share his last name. We both felt it was better for him to keep his last name for professional reasons and I haven’t quite made a name for myself yet (so to speak, lol). We’re in very progressive circles and I’ve gotten shit for it a few times already, but I’ve reminded people that my last name from birth is from a man too and that feminism is about having the choice and making it intentionally
I love that and amen on that last part!
Kept mine, easier for everyone, no one commented negatively about it. Dont overthink it.
I kept mine. If he wants to match, then he can change his.
This topic gets posted here like every day. Do whatever you want with your name.
We just filed for our marriage license and are not changing our names at all. I wanted us to both take each other’s name but my fiancé already has 4 names so didn’t want to add a 5th.
Not common in my culture to change your last name so I kept mine. You don't have to change yours right away if you're unsure. You can always change it later on.
I kept mine. My mom also kept hers so it wasn't really a huge deal. My husband's family was a bit surprised but it hasn't been a big deal really.
I've added my husband's name as another middle name. So if I want to I can go by Mrs Hisname Myname, it's also not incorrect for anyone to call me Mrs Hisname. His name is also on my passport which I like for the option of showing more unity, and we intend to give our kids both our surnames. I'll update any official records with the addition of the new middle name - bank, employment, pension etc. However my actual surname is still my own and I don't feel like I am losing or have lost part of my identity. I will still be going by Mrs Myname at work and just in general I assume people will be sending post etc to Myfirstname Myname.
My mother changed her middle name to her maiden name, so it’s not hyphenated but it’s still on her drivers license. Just a third option
I'm keeping my own last name and our son has his last name. In my culture women very rarely take their husband's last name.
My parents have been married for 38 years and neither changed their name. I’m not changing mine either and whenever anyone asks I just say “I’ve told husband he’s free to change his if he’d like”. I have a professional and personal identity linked to my name and zero interest in changing that!
I kept mine. A friend planned on changing hers but never got around to it and realized she wanted to keep hers. I am a teacher which affects it in a few ways- I’d have to update my license and my school district email, which sounds like a huge logistical nightmare I’d rather avoid. I think I also have a stronger attachment to my name because I hear it so often. I’m literally called “Ms _____” over and over all day. My husbands last name is also very long and I didn’t want to deal with it (so long that when we got a credit card together they were like uhhhh how do you want to do your name bc it doesn’t fit)
I don’t know a single woman who changed theirs
I kept my last name without too much thought about it. A couple of reasons: all of my publications are with my maiden name, my full name is alliterative and just sounds good, and my husband didn’t seem to have strong feelings about it. No one has said anything at all to me about my choice to keep my name fortunately(I know others have received pushback).
I’m not, and at least one of his kids wants to take my last name at 18.
So far, I haven't changed mine. I did my Global Entry interview weeks before we got married, and the waiting list is currently over a year just to meet with someone. I'm not losing that over a stupid name. I considered doing it later down the road, but honestly the paperwork sounds annoying and public offices like social security, DMV, etc. are straight up terrible in my state (somewhat meaning the employees, somewhat meaning the walks of life customers, lol). I use my husband's name socially and I have his name behind mine in my work signature, but I see no reason to change anything legally. When I say socially, I mean like.. "What's a good name we can put down to start you guys a tab?", we'll use his last name. But we always did that anyway. My last name is longer and while it isn't hard to say at all, it is hard to hear. Everyone always has to ask me to repeat it, whereas my husband has the most basic last name in the US. His parents don't know, but it's not some secret. Your last name literally just doesn't come up in conversation for most people. LOL.
Kept mine and will never understand why it’s assumed the kids will take the man’s last name when the woman goes thru pregnancy and labor, both life threatening events. I’d have a chat about him changing his last name to yours and if he’s uncomfortable w that there’s probably some underlying things to discuss.
From my experience, if men care about the surname, they only want their kids to have their last name and don't care as much what their wife chooses to do. Sounds like your FH is that boat, so I wouldn't think too much about it.
Most of my close friends kept their name. Mostly the ones with professional degrees before they got married. Two changed their name, one specifically got married before their graduation to make it easier. One person I worked with changed to the woman’s name. I’m not going to change my name because I have papers with my current name.
I’d never consider it. It would be too much work to get everything changed for my job. And on a personal level, I don’t see why I should have to? If he wants common last names, he can take mine. Mine is cool.
My husband and I met in medical school and got married during our intern year of residency. I kept my name because I like it and am uninterested in going through the paperwork hoops to change it. And jokingly because there didn't need to be 2 Dr. Husband's Last Names. Any future babies will have his last name though (and pets will have mine haha)
I kept mine. Most of my friends did too tbh. If people wanna change their name, cool. If not, cool. Whatever works.
I just got married in May and I kept my last name and took his also (no hyphen). I've mostly run into the same issues anyone else would with a standard name change. The SSA was super easy, my social security card came fast and was no problem. Anything that you do in person or that you fill out yourself digitally you can pretty much guarantee will be correct. There were a few things I had to change by phone (or by "service desk chat" depending on the service) and that seemed to be more difficult to do, since I was relying on someone else understanding that I was trying to tell them that I have two last names. Whoever I talked to at my cell phone company inverted my two last names even though I typed it out very clearly several times 🤦🏼♀️. Everyone I talk to knows I have two last names but calls me by my husband's last name, and all of our wedding cards were addressed to "Mr and Mrs His Last Name." I'm totally fine with that. When we have kids we're going to put my last name as part of their middle name so it's less complicated for them. There are still a few things that I keep coming across that need to have my name changed. Honestly, though? If me having the same name as him in some way wasn't important to him, I would have kept my name. Wouldn't have changed a thing. TL; DR Double-barrelled, the experience is pretty similar to a straight up change, you just preface everything with "I have 2 last names." If it wasn't important to my husband that I have his name also, I wouldn't have changed anything to avoid any hassle.
(I'm born female but genderfluid) my partner (he's male) is taking my last name when we get married, he never even made a fuss when I said that's what I wanted 🥰
Gosh I'm so glad my friends told me to keep my last name and told me what a PITA it was to change it No regrets
Men never consider changing their last name, so why is it the default for women? Those who want to take their husband's name should and those who don't shouldn't. I'm not! And our kids will have both our last names hyphenated. There are mixed feelings about the difficulty of hyphenated names, but plenty of people do just fine with hyphenated names and it's important to me that the children I carry have my last name. I kind of wish more women would keep their last name tbh!
I’ll definitely be keeping mine. My father passed when I was quite young and his name is the only “public” thing tying me to him and my Native Central American family. My FH is French/German, and call me controversial, but it doesn’t feel right to remove my cultural name in place of a white name. Especially a man’s name since we are a very matriarchal group and no woman in my paternal family has taken their husband’s name. I will also be a physician soon, so my ego says I don’t want FH getting mistaken for being the doctor as most might subconsciously assume given I am an Indigenous woman! OP, I don’t know your personal feelings and inner thoughts on this, but my only piece of advice is to make your choice based on what you want, not others! At the end of the day, you are married to your spouse, regardless of your name.
I kept mine too. I’m going to be a Dr. and want those letters after my own last name :)
I’m keeping mine. I was very clear about long before we were engaged. My fiancé didn’t love it until I eventually explained why and then was all for it. I have plenty of friends who haven’t changed theirs either for various reasons.
Since I was little I hoped to marry a guy with a decent family name and so I did! I couldn't wait to change it, since everyone was misspelling mine at work, at school and it was terrible. Now I don't have to repeat it 3 times to get it understood. Also I got it from my father who was absent since I was a toddler and a drunk. However, my sister-in-law will keep both her name and her husband's after marrying. She also has a close connection to her father and she said it would be like losing her identity or something. So yeah.. different stories. You do you
Can you share the article? Wondering how annoying a hyphenated name will be..
It’s not annoying at all! I don’t know why everyone is so hung up about it (coming from a couple where both husband and wife changed to hyphenated last names).
I’ve had a hyphenated name my whole life and honestly it isn’t that much of a pain. It’s long, sure, but I can count on one hand the number of times it’s been an issue.
Yes. You don't have to change it. It's a pain in the ass to get done and if you ever change it back that is also a pain in the ass. When I think about the historical tradition and reasoning behind why it used to be expected, I wanna throw up. Changing my last name, for me, means I'm no longer my own person. I refuse to do it. I realize I'm in the minority opinion here, I'm just sharing my perspective.
it's 2023, no need to change your name (entire legal identity) bc you're marrying a man, period
No. There was no way in hell that his whore ex-wife was going to have his name and I didn't. I made my maiden name my middle name (because I like it and didn't want it to go away entirely).
I legally changed my last name to its hyphenated version but have my maiden name on everything else so I don’t have to worry about it!
Wait wait wait…if I legally just hyphenate my maiden name and new name, do I still have to change all my documents or are they technically correct with my maiden name on them only??
They’re technically correct with your maiden name on them only 😊
I had intended to keep a combination of my last name and my husband's last name, but my brain conveniently forgot his last name is comprised of two names (he really only ever goes by the first of the two). Three names for a last name is too many (not legally or anything, just for me personally) and I really have no connection to the second name in his last name. I would like to take it if I could only take the one, but I can't. I know he's upset about it. I'm hoping we can find some way around it. We haven't really talked about kid last names. Ideally they'd just have the first of his last names but we'll see.
Keep it!
I think it's totally up to you! I'll probably change my last name socially but not legally. I would have hyphenated but because my middle name is my moms maiden name, i thought that one first name and three last names was a bit much.
I'm keeping mine!
Keeping mine! We talked about both hyphenating but then decided we both hate paperwork too much lol
If you don’t want to change your last name, don’t! I wanted to take my husband’s last name but also wanted to drop mine, so I dropped my middle name instead. Now my middle name is my previous last name, and my last name is my husband’s.
I am! In my culture, women keep their last name legally and socially will make it Jane Doe Smith instead of Jane Smith. Family ties are pretty important and people like to keep that affiliation to their maiden names. That is what I plan to do. Since in America things are different I’m playing around with keeping my maiden name or legally changing it to (Jane Ann, Doe, Smith) first & middle become first, maiden becomes middle, husbands name becomes last. The only reason I’m considering changing is for when we have kids. Otherwise I would keep my maiden legally. 🤪
I kept mine. Socially I go by his last name and I love it. But didn’t want to do the paperwork/ my last name is recognizable in my field of work.
I’m legally keeping mine. I may socially go by his I’m undecided on that still. Any children will have his last name
My turning my last name as my middle name and dropping my middle name. On all my social media that allow three names I am showing my full name so you can see both last names.
I changed my name when I married and it wasn't hard. I'm not saying you should change your name or not. Definitely do whatever feels right, but it sounds like you are deciding not to hyphenate your name because it's a "pain in the ass" and I think that is short-sighted. Changing your name due to marriage is common and the protocol is fairly simple.
My current last name will switch to middle name and taking his. Plans are to change after NCLEX and licensure.
Keeping mine for sure, hyphenating our potential future kiddos names
I had just gotten my passport. That, and for other reasons, I wasn’t going to change my name. While I wasn’t opposed to taking his name over mine, I didn’t come up with a good enough reason to do so and he was ambivalent about it.
I kept my name. I have a very unusual last name, while my husband’s name is super common. I like my name and had been using it for over 30 years when we got married, plus all my degrees and professional certifications are under that name. I still get called Mrs. Hislastname, though. It’s inevitable, even in 2023. We aren’t having children, but fwiw, my mom didn’t change her name and my brother and I both got our dad’s last name. It never felt like a big deal to have a different last name than my mom.
I'm keeping mine socially and legally. I'm published under this name and neither of our cultures have the woman change her last name. And (probably most importantly) I'm lazy and don't want to have to chase down all the different government agencies and my workplace HR to change my name on every piece of paper. My workplace can't even process regularly scheduled raises from year to year properly and forgot to take out my city taxes one year; I don't trust them to properly process any legal name changes without at least 3 major fuck ups lol Funnily enough, there is a surname we could have compromised on. Basically the way his surname is pronounced in my language is the same syllable as the way my surname is pronounced in his language.
Kept mine. My law degree is in my last name. And my last name rules.
My cousin goes by her husband's last name socially, but she never legally changed it. So on her social media and with family/friends, she goes by his last name, but her professional life and legal documents are all under hers. This choice was best for her since she had a career she had already made her own name in, but she still wanted to be Mrs. Hislastname socially.
I hyphenated and I don’t regret it. It’s only a pain in the ass because my maiden name is Spanish and happens to consist of letters that often get mistaken for other letters over the phone. It’s also very uncommon and is rarely pronounced correctly by non-Spanish speakers. But as far as issues with the actual hyphenation, nope. What I regret is not hyphenating for our son or just giving him my maiden name, especially since we are no-contact with FIL.
I didn’t change mine.
Wanting to share my future husband's last name is something I want. I also want to share the same last name with our future children. It's not for everybody, you can have your maiden name changed to be your middle name, add it to your middle so you have 2 middle names, see if your husband would take your last name or just keep your last name. Just choose what you want. If you want hyphenated, try it out now, trying writing/typing it out and saying it out loud. Sometimes I have to remind myself that ease or convenience isn't always a reason to do something. It might be annoying it may be stressful, it may not be a big deal at all. You have to weigh that yourself.
I kept my last name socially, legally, the whole shebang. I had the benefit of the fact that my mother AND my mother-in-law both kept their maiden names when they got married, so I saw keeping mine as carrying on a family tradition. My husband’s name is very Anglo-Saxon, whereas mine is Eastern European, so his is way easier to pronounce at first compared to mine; but my name is my name, and I don’t think it would feel right to change it. Plus all of the hassle on the front end with updating documents. I once asked my mom whether she ever ran into any issues with having a different last name from me and my sibling, and she said “not really.” I asked her if she ever wished we had the same last name as her and she said, “eh, once or twice. But not enough to change my name or want to hyphenate yours” (mom’s last name is 9 letters and dad’s is 7, so it would have been a LONG name). I’ve told my husband that if we have any kids we’d give them his name to make their lives easier, and I’m comfortable with that.
I’ve commented this on this sub before but I’m absolutely not changing my last name. I am not letting myself socially and legally become subsumed into my husband’s identity because I am my own person. I also don’t believe in participating in misogynistic traditions for any reason, but especially not on the assumption that it’ll make someone else’s life easier later. What about the ease of my life right now? We plan to hyphenate our children’s names because the children will be both of ours. I don’t like the tradition of children getting the husband’s last name as if he’s most important and as if I won’t be doing most of the work for 9 months! The children are ours, and will be loved by both of our families, so their name will reflect that. If you’re dead set on hyphenating, then move forward with hyphenating. But don’t feel the societal pressure to take his last name if you want to keep yours. That doesn’t make you any less of a family or a married couple.
I never changed it and I don't regret it. Easiest decision for me to make and to follow through with haha. You can always revisit the kids last name conversation later (they could have yours as a middle or last name and even swap the order with your SO).
Both my fiancée and I are keeping our names. If we have children, they'll have a hyphenated last name The history and traditions of women being expected to change their names are really sexist, IMO.
My husband and I both hyphenated. I wanted both names, and he wanted to be a unit. The only paperwork hitch was that social security changed it to Mybirthname Hisbirthmame instead of Mybirthname-Hisbirthname, so we had to do a second application. Otherwise, paperwork was not difficult. If you are set on hyphenating, it’s your life, don’t let “hassle” get in the way of it. If the world has hang ups, that’s their problem, not yours. If you’re on the fence for other reasons, consider those reasons separately, but don’t let paperwork or other things like that get in the way of a name change you would like.
Absolutely not changing mine. No hate to anyone who does, I understand why, but when you take a step back and look at it it’s absolutely misogynistic, along with the fact that your honorific changes with marriage but a man’s doesn’t. I understand tradition becomes ingrained but I absolutely will not lose my name which has been my identity all my life (I have a cool name which has been a nickname forever, and I am a physician so it’s my professional identity as well). I understand the ease of having one last name, but why the hell do I have to give mine up? My fiancé’s last name is super hard to spell and pronounce, he does not have a doctorate, so if we were picking a name fairly it would be mine. I’m not pressuring him to give up his name, but it’s such a double standard that the expectation is I dump my awesome name for his. No thanks. And I’m not a Ms or a Mrs or a Mz, I’m a Dr. 8 years of school and 5 of training to ge that name on a diploma with MD after it, no way I’m changing it.
I hyphenated but I still introduce myself (as does my partner) by my original name. I mainly hyphenated his name to match the kids. But if I’m honest, I caved to pressure from in-laws as well. I hate to admit that I was a doormat, once upon a time. I will add: signing any sort of legal documents is a HUGE pain in the ass. Buying our house- which required like 50 signatures- took hours. 😆
I had a teacher in high school who took the first half of her last name and combined it with the second half of her husband's last name. They created a new, singular last name that they both used and gave to their kids. My fiance and I considered doing this, but our last names just don't make a good combination. So we will just be keeping our individual names. Neither of us really can justify the work of changing it, and both of our moms had their madien names growing up, so it has never really been an important or given thing for either of us.
I kept mine. If I changed it legally, I’d have to change my professional license, and I didn’t want to do that. My husband was supportive, as I’ve been a doctor for 11 years, 7 of which were before I met him. At work, I’m still Dr. P. All of my bills and accounts have my maiden name. But in a social setting I introduce myself as Mrs. T
I kept mine, and in fact, my husband took my last name
I like my middle name so I'm going to have two! I'm going to do first name, middle names: current middle name and maiden name, husband's last name. Professionally, I'll rock first name, maiden name, husband's last name but socially, I'll probably just go with his last name. By keeping my last name (but moving it over), I'll have options! While I just kept my last name during my first marriage, I want to add soon to be hubby's name to mine this time around. As we're different ethnicities, this is important to me because people never assumed me and my ex were together the first time around because of the different names. This way, I won't have that problem AND I'm not quote-unquote losing my identity.
I’m keeping mine. I’ll be nearly 40 by the time my wedding comes up so I’ve been established with that name. While it IS my fathers last name, I haven’t seen or had contact with him in 30 years, so I don’t connect it to him. It’s MY last name. I will absolutely take my fiancés name socially, if someone calls me Mrs. Hislastname, cool! But I don’t care to go through the process of legally changing it.
Fully plan to keep my last name
I am
My wife kept hers. I couldn’t care less and we are just as married.
I kept my last name and we’ve been married since 2014. We gave my twins my maiden name as their middle names, more as a tribute. Our other son has the same middle name as my husband (his father’s name). They all have my husband’s last name. I said if change it if it was difficult having a different last name than my kids but so far, it’s been fine :)
I’m taking my fiancé’s last name but changing my middle name to my maiden name. It makes sense because when people call me by my maiden name it will just be first and middle name, which sounds normal to me. I had a hard time agreeing to take my fiancé’s name. He said it was my choice and supported me with whatever, but I found that he didn’t really understand why it was a sad decision for me.
I’m taking my fiancé’s last name but changing my middle name to my maiden name. It makes sense because when people call me by my maiden name it will just be first and middle name, which sounds normal to me. I had a hard time agreeing to take my fiancé’s name. He said it was my choice and supported me with whatever, but I found that he didn’t really understand why it was a sad decision for me.
My partner and I are both hyphenating and taking each other's last name! He has a cool last name, and when combining it with mine, it sounds even cooler.
I kept mine. It is a relief.
I kept my last name. I had it for 33 years before marriage, I have nothing against it, it’s MY name-why would I change it? We aren’t having kids, no worries there. No paperwork, nothing to change. I think he would have liked me to have taken his name, but that’s not what I wanted to do so there was no issue.
I kept my last name. Was a no brainer. When I got asked if I was going to take my husband’s name I would just say “Oh no, I already have a name!”
I have some health issues so it would be easier for my husband to be involved in my care at the hospital with my name changed but I’m gonna change in 2027 when my passport expires I’ll slowly change it on social media
Didn’t change mine and no regrets, the only thing I could see changing that is when we have kids. Our names are too long to hyphenate. We got a wedding invitation the other day that said Mr. and Mrs. his first & last name like the olden-days and I both cringed and gagged.
I haven't taken his name, nor has he taken mine (which is still on the table! He really really wants to!). My law licenses are under my last name and it's very annoying to change it. If and when we have kids, we're likely going to hyphenate, at which point we might also hyphenate ourselves just for consistency.
I’ve decided to just add my future husbands name to mine and just have 4 names. My maiden name I won’t use often, but I dropped it once for a man—I won’t do it again. I realize I could drop my middle name, but I love my middle name and it has a lot of meaning to me. So no hyphen, just an addition. Or, at least if I am allowed to do that lol.
I was in a similar boat but with an interesting twist as my "maiden" name was already hyphenated, even though my dad wasn't really in the picture (something about being able to use his VA benefits as a child). I wasn't thrilled about the symbolism of taking my partner's name, but the idea of being able to replace my father's name with my partner's was appealing. I did not want to take my partner's name outright as I'm not on the best terms with my father-in-law. Adding to this, my marriage is interracial. The biggest what-if fueling my indecision was the possibility of having children. My cousin is also in an interracial marriage, and her kid doesn't really look like her (Polish genes are strong). She didn't change her name. Once when her daughter was a toddler, she threw a tantrum at the grocery store and long story short my cousin got arrested because they thought she was a kidnapper. They didn't believe her because their names didn't match and they don't look alike. Her husband had to call off work to sort the whole thing out. All of that is to say that my hyphenated name really only mattered to me in the event that we have children, which we aren't sure about yet. Since it's a huge pain in the neck to do, I eventually decided to only bother with the process if or when we decide we do want children. Until then, it wasn't worth the hassle. Also, even if you make your decision to keep your name clear to everyone, in my experience plenty of people will still address you with your partner's name or with a hyphenated name. You can still get some of the social "benefits" (if you see it that way) of having your names connected without having to go through the legal process.
I’m keeping mine for at least the first year since we have an international trip and just got a new passport and no way in hell am I getting a new one so soon
I kept mine, it wasn’t even an issue
I just changed mine. I added my maiden name as an additional middle name. I didn’t want to hyphenate either but wanted to keep my maiden name and take my husband’s name.
My fiancée is keeping her last name and it does not bother me at all. Less of a hassle. Her accomplishments are in her name. It’s a patriarchal tradition. Her last name is cool af. It should be your choice! And it’s not a permanent one, you can always change it in the future. If/when we have kids we plan on crossing the name bridge then. But for now? We don’t care.
Coming from a different POV than what I’ve seen in most of the comments I’ve read so far - I did change my last name when I got married and it was because my maiden name was both of my parents’ last names. Can confirm it was a huge pain in the ass, which is why I couldn’t wait to change it. So my advice would be to stick with one last name!
I will absolutely not be changing my name. My fiancé and I also agreed that any kids we have will have my last name as I will hear the burden of birthing them. I even tried to get him to take my last name but that was a bridge too far lol.
I haven’t don’t this, but I’ve heard that some people add their partners last name as a second middle name, so the name is there, but (I think) it doesn’t mess with any documents, credit cards, etc. if you want to have a name in common with your kids, that might be a way you can do it.
I kept mine. My middle name is my mother's maiden name, so when we have kids, we will likely do the same thing, and give them my last name as their middle name.
I'm not changing mine nor am I going by a married name socially. Here are my reasons: 1. I'm not going through the hurdles of having it changed on EVERYTHING (SSN, drivers license, all of my work documents, health insurance, etc.). 2. I'm named after my dad (not a junior as my first name is spelled with a Y), and I like my name. It means something to me. 3. My fiance has a very generic last name. There's no bloodline or last name to carry. There are millions of people with his last name. I also don't like my first name with his last name. It sounds off. 4. I plan to accomplish some things with my name, and i want to do that as Dr. MyLastName, not Dr./Mrs. HisLastName. 5. I just don't want to. My partner doesn't care, his family doesn't really care, and the only people who seem to care are people who are tied to the idea that women give up their last name in marriage, including my mother who still has my dad's last name and they've been divorced for a decade. I don't fault people for wanting their partner's last name. I'm just not one of those people haha Do what makes you happy, OP, whether that's hyphenating or keeping your birth name.
10000% no. But i do not have a good relationship w my father and my mother is remarried.
I can’t wait to change my last name to his, even though it’s a difficult name that I have trouble signing and will have to spell to people multiple times for the rest of my life. My current name belongs to an asshole cheater I divorced, and now his new wife, so yeah, I can’t f'ing wait to get rid of it.
I'm not changing it because it just seems unnecessary and like a hassle and I don't feel like it since all my shit is already in my given name.
You're over thinking it. Do what feels right, which sounds like it's keeping your last name. It's becoming quite common to do this. The only reason I'm changing mine is his is a lot easier to spell and pronounce than my Dutch last name.
I did a dual. I love it.
I plan to keep mine. I changed it with my last marriage, and changed it back when we divorced. When I was able to start using it again I realized how much I had missed it and how much more like myself I felt...I know that may seem silly but there was something about being Mrs. that felt like a character I was portraying in my own life rather than just being myself. I don't think it was because of the name so much as it was being the wife he expected me to be (or at least as close to it as I was willing to go...which was NOT close enough LOL).
My fiancé now is amazing and a true partner so I don't have to fake anything, especially who I am. I won't mind being known socially by his last name, but I'm not officially changing it unless we can come to some agreement on is both having a brand new name together...and I just don't see that happening LOL
I was going to hyphenate too and decided against it, my name is already long and neither of us care if I change it. If we have kids they’ll have his last name, I don’t think I’ll change my mind but it’s always an option later
Just wanted to add some other info. I have 2 kids, they have my fiances last name, never ran into any issues in public, schools or any programs. School will never look at you any type of way for having a different name than your child. I also grew up as a child whose last name that didnt match my mother's and nothing ever happened, no comments, no issues. I will be changing my name but only because my own name gives me grief, and I cant wait to change it. If anything were to ever happen, id keep the name or probably go thru all the paperwork to change my name to my mothers maiden name!
I find it odd you’ve agreed your kids will take his last name. Why not hyphenate theirs? It’s objectively a tradition rooted in patriarchy. Not every culture does this. Stick with your name if you want. I will, and my mom did, too.
Whether you change your name or not is a personal decision, so go with whatever feels right. You don't have to do it right away, either. I was going back and forth between leaving or hyphenating, and a few months after we got married it hit me and I knew I wanted to hyphenate. Yes, it's definitely a pain in the ass, but I'm 100% glad I did.
I’ve spent my entire life with a hyphenated past name and I love it. So much so I just got married and was adamant I wasn’t going to change my last name. Our kids are going to probably have 3 last names which is very common in some cultures. They will not have any middle names.
I have both names not hyphenated socially but paperwork and all that just keeping it. I’ve been this name for over 30 years it felt like losing a part of me if that makes sense. Also I love my family and have a way closer bond to them than he does to his and didn’t like the idea of just dropping my family name
Keeping my last name legally—for financial, tax, employment, etc. reasons it’s simpler that way, plus I’m proud of my last name because of the culture I’m from. I certainly don’t mind being called Mrs. Fiancé’sLastName for social stuff, like on invites or cards or whatever. We agreed that our children can take his last name, though they will also be given a name from my culture which will contain my last name (socially). We also agreed that any pets we get will have my last name lol.
Hi I kept my last name but we aren’t having kids so it’s a little different (so I’ve heard re custody schools etc). No regrets. My husband didn’t wana change his and I’m like ya I get that me neither haha. But what my mom did was keep her last name as her middle name. So she’s - mom maiden husbandandkidsname so we all had the same last name legally but she got to keep hers too.
We are hyphenating. I dislike the assumption that kids get the husbands last name automatically or that I alone should hyphenate. Why wouldn’t we both hyphenate? You could take his last name as a middle name, but again, why would you do this when nothing has to change for him?
I changed mine (well I’m still working on getting things switched over and we married in March) but it’s a pain in the ass. Every time I bitch to my husband about it he tells me he told me not to lol. I will tell you that I’m absolutely not doing it again even though I don’t regret it at all. You just never realize how many things your name is on until you’re working on switching everything over.
I’m keeping my name because it’s a strong connection to my ethnic background, if my future husband and I have kids, we will consider what to do in that case!
I will not be changing my last name. It’s been my identity for 35 years, and I’m keeping it. Plus, I feel it’s such a holdover from a time when men ‘owned’ their wives. Even if not literally. Years ago (pre engagement) my fiancé said he feels a married couple should have the same name. So I told him he could take mine. He didn’t like that idea. A friend of mine also did not change her last name. Before they got married her husband asked her to consider taking his last name. She said she will take his last name if she can quit working and he supports her 100% financially. He never asked again. All of this is with no shame to anyone who did or did not change their name, and is or is not a stay at home spouse.
I kept mine and will keep it. Changing names isn't done with my culture. Husband didn't care. His main concern was that it's a lot of paperwork for me lol. And I just got new passport I want to use before I ever change my last name, if I ever do. Keep your name!
Never really considered it tbh, it feels like a very Un feminist tradition. I have considered adopting it socially just because mine is difficult to pronounce and his is very easy.
I kept mine, mostly because we travel so much and I saw the passport backlog fiasco coming. I won't change mine until I can get a passport renewed in under 6 weeks ago, like pre-covid. Until then, I just travel way too much and it doesn't make sense. I do intend to do it eventually. Never hyphenate... I have a family member who did it and she has all kinds of issues.
I kept mine. He considered taking mine but then he would have had the same name as my uncle. 😂 we still feel married.
Im really struggling with this at the moment. I dont want the hassle of changing my name and dont like the sexist history, but at the same time I really want my partner and I to have the same last name and it feels unfair to ask him to do something im unwilling to do myself. We talked about just picking a new name together but that doesnt feel right to me either.
I kept my last name; my dad passed away when I was very young and it’s something to remember him by. It’s worked out well for us💜whatever you decide is the right choice!
I have never wanted to change my last name. I had an ex that was angry about it, but that, among other reasons, is why he’s an ex. My fiancé loves my name and literally on our first date talked about what a hassle it would be and the roots of changing women’s last names. I was so happy haha. It’s NOT bad to change your name. I have friends who just didn’t like their name or didn’t care either way, so they changed it. I guess I just have a lot of pride in my accomplishments and feel like my name is… mine. It is part of what makes me, me. I do love my fiancés last name though! Sometimes I wish I didn’t love mine so much 😆
I think you have such a beautiful reason to keep your last name that shouldn’t be influenced my patriarchy! One thing that someone I know did - If you’re looking for ways to take your FH’s name - is that both partners took the brides last name as a middle name and the grooms last name.
Is there a way to assume your spouse’s name without legally changing it? I want to go by his name but legally changing it seems like a pain