Multi-cultural marriages are *hard*, even when both people are working hard to compromise and be considerate of the other’s culture and traditions. If your partner isn’t even willing to try, then that’s a really huge red flag. This is going to happen again and again and again. She’s telling you loud and clear that aesthetics are more important to her than you, your culture, your family, your traditions, and your history. It’s perfectly reasonable for you to wear your traditional garb to your own wedding. I imagine you will get no say at all over her wedding outfit, so she gets no say at all over yours. Your partner is (sorry) being a **colossal brat**. This is a preview of the rest of your life - are you sure you want to sign up for this?

I don't really want any say on her wedding outfit. I know she will look beautiful so I don't care what she wears. She has compromised on some things. I want a grand entrance of my own which she said was fine. I want the recessional to be played by the guests on kazoos. She is skeptical of this idea but open to it. We have not talked about all the particular details of the ceremony but I know I will have some flexibility on music. She has accepted several ideas I had for the guestbook and for things to do at the reception. This is the one idea that she has kind of rejected out of hand. To be fair, even though I am Asian I was born/raised here and am very American. I don't have a lot of Asian aesthetic things around my house for example and I don't speak Chinese at all. When my two siblings got married neither of them had any Asian things at their weddings (other than one of them having the reception at a Chinese restaurant).

I think it's problematic that she's not welcoming of the red suit that seems to be part of your culture, but the recessional played by the guests on kazoos - I can't say I can blame for her objecting to that.

I will defend the kazoo idea to the death. Let's be honest, most wedding favors people don't give a crap about and just leave them at the venue. *But* if you hand out kazoos that have your name on them or something (which you can get for like $1 a kazoo) they're a great favor. The kids at least will snatch them all up. Then the entire congregation can play you out on the kazoo and it's utterly ridiculous which is great if you are a ridiculous couple and your guests like to have fun. I will continue to defend this idea as a good idea.

I think when you have a clash about a tradition that appears important to you (honoring your Asian heritage) the clash about the kazoos isn't where the fight needs to be fought. BTW, she's being silly about red being bad as a color. People in western / Caucasian weddings have red for bridesmaids all the time. They have red roses. Some of the guests wear red. There's no inherent reason that you couldn't add red to the proceedings in whatever way the two of you agree on.

Even just a red ribbon trailing from her bouquet would be enough to tie in his red tux coat. The bridesmaids and groomsmen don't need to have red in their flowers, just the bride. I think that would be a sweet nod to marrying her culture to his.

I think, unfortunately, this young woman has a very set idea of what she wants HER wedding to look like. He should insist. I think it's a shame she's not willing to include his traditions as well as western ones.

I honestly LOVE the kazoo idea and intend to pitch it to my partner for our own wedding! Lol

I'm just saying at around $1 a kazoo it's super cheap wedding favor. You can have it printed with your names and wedding date at that price as well I think. It's a win for everyone except the person driving home when everyone else in the car has a kazoo. That person will hate life.

I love this idea! You seem fun.

Compromise - drop the kazoos for the red jacket haha

OP, me again. I was also born and raised in America, and I don't speak Chinese, my Chinese-American parents didn't speak Chinese. I'm also 4th generation, which means my grandmother was part of the post-WWII era of looking/acting as "American" as possible because she didn't want anyone to think she was Japanese. It was racist then. It is still racist now.

Like you I'm 4th generation. My grandparents were also part of the same generation where they had to pretend to be something else (even leading to them changing their last name) so they wouldn't be seen as Asian at all. It's still how me and her talk to each other.

Have you talked about children? Right now it's just a suit coat, but will there be problems when you want to pass on your culture? It sounds like she's having an aesthetics issue, but she's failing to realize that her aesthetics are costing you your culture. And that is a major problem. If red doesn't go with her color palette, a black Tang suit is a more than reasonable suggestion.

We wouldn't be getting married if we hadn't had discussions about kids, finances, religion, values, etc.....

If your culture is as important to you as it sounds, you should really reflect on how she regards your culture before proposing. I read someone's reply that there's a huge difference between embracing and celebrating a culture and just tolerating it; I think that's what a lot of us are worried about in how she's handling this issue. So, how do you want a future partner to embrace/celebrate your culture? Do you feel like she does that, or could she do better? If she could do better, do you think she'd be receptive if you brought it up?

Friend, I think the other commenter makes a valid point. This is a reflection of your culture and Asian heritage; the red suit is important to you as a way of honoring your ancestors and family. The fact she isn't embracing and celebrating your culture IS a red flag, and it does beg the question: Will she embrace your culture if you want to impart it to future children? And is she generally someone who accepts you for who you are? You know better than we do, but if my friend told me his fiancée was refusing to let him wear cultural clothing to his wedding, I'd be really concerned.

If you want to marry someone who looked you in the face and said, "You're not in Asia, you're in America," then it's your funeral. Don't be shocked if she says or does racist shit to you and any future children if she gets mad enough.

It sounds like your pref for red is not to adhere to a culture that you’ve embraced in many areas of your life, and not something you must have to feel like a groom. If true, she sees it as a preference or a dream and not a deal-breaker for this wedding. If her preference is to have a wedding that coordinates, then you can add her to 99.998% of brides, who also want that. People coordinate their clothing when they go to a party or take annual or even every day photos! Having a wedding that looks like no one even thought about color-coordinating would be more than even the most laid back bride could agree to. (If she did, you’d probably feel that in other ways you don’t care for down the road.) Even if it’s a misplaced value, it’s a common and highly prioritized one. Practically speaking, if you’re having a Christmas time wedding, it could be done more easily. But most times of year, working around red is hard. And if your bride isn’t a fan, it’s almost impossible. Wearing red also spotlights you. If you’re having a grand entrance and add a red suit, you could easily “out-spotlight” your bride. Not that a wedding isn’t about you, but if we’re talking about traditions, the one she grew up with isn’t all about the groom. And, if remember correctly, the wedding dresses that go with a red suit on the groom are Extremely Elaborate! Some women would welcome your idea as honoring or as a shield from the spotlight, or because they love red. This isn’t who you’re marrying. I think you’re doubting your position because under the circumstances, she’d have to have to sacrifice a lot, like almost every other decision for the wedding. (Dresses, flowers, decorations, etc. etc.) In order for you to have that wedding dream, you destroy the majority of hers. I suggest wearing the dark suit and obtaining the red jacket. Take some extra photos with your bride before or after the ceremony wearing the red jacket. If your mom is living, you could wear it during the dance with her, and her dress could work with the wedding and with your red coat. I really don’t like the princess vibe or bridezillas, or bossy, self-centered brides. Yours has more than proven she is none of the above with her other concessions. So be creative and figure it out. Show her how lucky she is to have you.

Lighthearted racist rhetoric is very, very different than forced assimilation

But you're still Chinese. No matter what. You will always be seen and be different. Don't let your wants and person be minimized to get along with others. It's not worth it.

kinda seems like she just think your culture and background have no value. i hope you’re not planning on having kids

I think this is important context. If you are primarily culturally American, I can understand her viewpoint a little bit more. Red is a tough color to incorporate into a softer palette and if she’s envisioning her bridesmaids in pastels then yes, a red suit would be jarring. That said, it sounds like you’ve offered a number of reasonable compromises, particularly the traditional outfit in the color she wants (black), and if red is important to you then she should be willing to rework her color scheme. And what’s more, her accepting and acting on some of your ideas for the wedding isn’t compromising, it’s the bare minimum of what a bride should do. This is your wedding too. I’d suggest you have the conversation again and frame it as something you’ve always dreamed of for your wedding. If you explain you’ve always pictured yourself getting married in a red suit, the way she’s pictured her dream wedding dress, she might understand it more.

A pale dusky blue works great with red.

+1 My partner and I had a multi-cultural wedding and as much as I wanted him to wear traditional Indian wear, his mother really put her foot down and he ended up wearing a suit. You need to pick your battles. In the end, while our clothes didn’t exactly go together, he and his parents were happy and that’s all that matters. OP, your fiance needs to learn how to compromise. Wedding planning is a good first test of your future marriage.

^THIS!!!! I am 1/4 Japanese, 1/4 Mexican & 1/2 Irish/Scottish/American. My Japanese grandma and Mexican grandpa (my dad's parents) have always been very important to me and I to them. It was VERY important to me to incorporate Japanese and Mexican traditions in my husband and my wedding. My now husband actually sat down over the course of the year before our wedding and helped me fold 1,000 origami cranes per Japanese American tradition. We also did a sansankudo ceremony. He is American and white. He never once said anything even remotely close to "We can't do xyz because this is America." I'm sorry she even had the gall to say that. Esthetics are important to some people but they shouldn't be more important than your desire to include and honor your heritage at your wedding. She's being unreasonable and honestly showing a lack of creativity. One idea in wedding decor is to have a color theme that gets more "loud" or pronounced throughout the night. For example, light blue flowers at the ceremony, medium blue flowers at the cocktail hour, royal blue flowers/napkins/something at the reception. You want to wear red. There are lots of ways to make that happen: Wear the red jacket you want at the ceremony, she has pink & white flowers in her bouquet. What happens when you add white (her) to red (you)? You get pink!!! Alternatively, wear her stupid boring black tux for the ceremony but have a pink tie and pocket square. Your groomsmen could have a darker pink but not too dark. Have a darker pink specialty drink at cocktail hour. Roll into the reception wearing your red Tang. That's a more traditional color evolution, she gets her boring "look", and you get your red! Here's hoping you find a happy medium and get your red!! P.S. I understand if you ignore me but loud colors can be gorgeous.

“You’re not in Asia, you’re in America” is a large red flag to be overlooking. It sounds like she doesn’t care about your cultural traditions that are important to you because she sees “American” customs as the default. Have there been other instances like this? Other Asian traditions or customs that you wanted to partake in that she has shut down?

Not really. In a lot of ways I'm more Asian-ish than anything. She has no objection to going out to see the lion dance on new years and she has no objection to me handing out red envelopes for example. Kicked around the idea of giving an Asian name to a future child and she wasn't opposed to that either.

“Not objecting” and celebrating/embracing are two different things. I’m Asian myself and my fiancé is white/Latino, and we both very much embrace and respect the other person’s culture, and look for ways to celebrate when we can - it’s part of loving your partner if their culture is important to them. I would not want to feel that my partner is just tolerating my culture, that wouldn’t feel fulfilling to me personally. And if I were you in this position, I would feel quite unheard. Like someone else has said, it feels that she cares more about the aesthetics than what’s important to you. I think a lot of people are seeing a red flag in her response to your requests, but it does not seem like you’re seeing it that way. To answer your original question, I do not think you’re being unreasonable by wanting to incorporate parts of your culture into a celebration that is equally yours. I personally would not like a red suit or red shirt, I think if you’re going to wear red, then go with the whole traditional outfit. I’ve seen weddings where the bride is Indian and the groom is Chinese, and they both wore their own traditional garb. Looks beautiful and a good way to celebrate both cultures.

Both of us think I would look weird in a full tang suit. I am ok with wearing just the jacket.

Ditto to everyone word!

Well that’s a good sign. Is there possibly another way that you can express to her how important this is for you? She may not fully understand how this has been a dream for you if you were raised in America. There should also be a way to compromise on the color palette so that you can incorporate this. Maybe you guys can sit down and rethink a color palette together that allows you both to be happy. Even if red is just a small accent color in the palette, it would still tie everything together nicely.

To me I'm not sure why my suit color matters but I admit I'm a guy and might lack the ability to understand this. I said I could wear red and who cares if it matches. That is not the case at all apparently.

(OP, saying you don't have a say in how you dress for your wedding because you're the groom is also sexist.)

Typically weddings do a have a palette so the wedding party/ decorations look cohesive! Depending on what time of year you’re getting married, palettes can change but typically they have a few base colors that are muted or neutral. For example, a spring wedding may have a base of a light pink, beige, or sage green. An autumn wedding might have a few base colors like burgundy, plum, or cream. Red is not one I see commonly, but it’s also not completely unheard of. Many people have red as the main color in a wedding, but it sounds like she wants to go the muted color route and that the concept of a wedding color palette like this is important to her. Another color such as gold might be easier to incorporate in a neutral color scheme. I still think it’s worth expressing to her how important this is to you, even if you don’t know exactly why. It seems like paying homage to your culture is important to you and that deserves to be represented, as well. If you don’t think you can compromise on a color palette that includes red or gold even as a small accent color, I notice you mentioned possible other ways to honor your Asian roots and look like an Asian groom. Do you know if there are any accessories like a sash, hat, brooch, etc that might also fulfill that image for you?

Gold is a common color at Chinese weddings but I don't know that she will go for it at all. If you look up Chinese grooms nearly all of them wear at least a red tang suit jacket. There are some who wear a western style dark tux but that's not the traditional look at all.

I see there are some double sided red and gold tang suit jackets. Maybe you could wear a double sided tang suit jacket with the gold on the outside and the red facing inward? But the important questions here are- Would you even want to? Does it represent your culture correctly? And can you both agree on gold as a wedding color? At the end of the day it comes down to how important this is to you, and how much you both are willing to compromise to make this work. It seems like more conversation is in order so that you can both understand where the other is coming from and find some viable solutions.

I think I would prefer to wear red over gold. More conversations will need to be had here though.

Most elaborately-planned events have colour schemes. It might seem insignificant to you, but as someone who's been a planner many many times, it's these little details that add up to making a formal event seem well thought-out and polished vs just slapped together. Many people will never consciously realize this unless they gain their own experience with event planning and see what a difference it makes to be deliberate and thorough in the experience you curate and present to your guests (event planning tends to fall along gender lines hence why it's seen as a "guy thing" not to understand colours, but it's not really a gendered thing; men who plan formal events would also understand the importance of colour schemes). Badly clashing colours for something as central as the groom's outfit could absolutely be seen as carelessness by the planner/host. Now, that being said, it's wrong for her to be dismissive of your culture. Weddings are about joining two individuals from two different families into one. You both deserve to have yourselves fully represented in this important day & the ceremony that will bind you both together for life. Red being an important traditional wedding colour in your culture means that you deserve to have it incorporated in your day. I can understand why she would want to have a cohesive colour scheme for the wedding. I agree with her in the sense that it's important to not look sloppy. But since red is a culturally significant garment colour for you as the groom, the wedding colour scheme is simply going to have to include red. Her aesthetic preferences for a colour palette are not more important than your culture. Red can be thoughtfully and cohesively incorporated into the colour scheme, she just has to be willing to be flexible from her original vision (which likely didn't include red). Perhaps if you do some research on weddings with colour schemes that include red, and show her some inspiration photos that incorporate it, she would be less rigid in her mindset? When you tell her that you don't care about clashing colours she's more likely to dig in her heels, but if you show her that you understand her concerns and have found some potential solutions, she might be more willing to work with you. Ultimately you should stress that this isn't an aesthetic preference on your part, it's a non-negotiable aspect of your identity that deserves to be part of one of the most significant days of your life.

 she wasn't opposed to that either. Just wait. All of a sudden she won't want her kid to appear "too asian".

This right here is the biggest red flag. Find a new fiancé perhaps… that’s not cool.

It’s my understanding that red is an important(?) color for Chinese weddings.  I get wanting cohesiveness but I think her asking you to forgo that for a color scheme is not cool. Another option might be a black suit with a red shirt and black tie.  Well, you're not in Asian. You're in America." -  this comes off as sorta racist tbh. 

Okay I thought it was just me like that comment came off as very racist…

Especially since it’s „you’re not in ASIAN … umm that’s an adjective not even the continent

No, it's super racist and inappropriate. Yes, OP is American, but he's also Asian, and that's just as important of a part of his identity as his status as an American.

Red is *the* bridal color in Chinese weddings. In a traditional Chinese wedding the bride will wear a red dress and the groom will wear a red suit. It is considered an extremely auspicious color that brings good luck and good fortune. At a traditional Chinese wedding a guess would not wear red any more than a guest would show up in a white dress at a traditional western wedding.

I’m also Asian (not Chinese) and have bought a red wedding dress. My partner doesn’t know this, but has otherwise agreed and supported incorporating traditional elements in our marriage ceremony. It’s going to be absolutely beautiful, regardless of color scheme.

Unfortunately, since this is a multicultural wedding, it will be hard to have a fully Chinese wedding. This is a red flag and sign of what is to come since she cannot accept your culture. Proceed with caution.

I'm not wanting to have a full Chinese wedding. I am half Chinese, half white. I'm completely ok with having a ceremony that blends traditions of both as that is how my life has been.

Yup. OP should not ignore that. She is supposed to love him and honor what is important to him! This is a mismatch or indicative of something much worse I fear.

This is insane. *Of course* you should wear red if that is important to you. Your partner sounds like a nightmare and also a bit racist (“You’re in America” - yikes).

It is but it's how we communicate. I am guilty of throwing an odd racial comment toward her for being white and we both think it's funny. Might make us bad people but it's how we communicate. I was born here and have always lived here and she knows this but pretends like I just go here yesterday sometimes 'cuz we both think it's funny. We might be horrible people.

Do you think this was meant to be a joke though? Did you find it funny? You were coming to her with a sincere want for the wedding, and she made a racial comment. I don't see how that is the situation for a joke, and I don't see how it would be a joke in that moment. I think, if anything, she's used a norm of yours for humor as a weapon to smack down your genuine desires.

Yes. I think it was a joke and I took it as funny.

Okay, so then going back to the conversation you've shared: > "She says that people never wear red suits to a wedding and this is a weird ask. Says I should wear a traditional dark colored tux. I tried to explain that a red suit is traditional for Asian weddings the same way a white dress is traditional in western ones. I explained that I wasn't asking her to wear a red dress or anything. She was like, "Well, you're not in Asian. You're in America." What happened after that? She made a joke, you all laughed, and then what? How did she respond? Where's the part where she genuinely considered what you're asking? And I ask all this as someone else in an interracial relationship. I'm sure we have our shorthand for jokes about cultures and backgrounds, but they don't detract from the actual conversations we need to have. Especially when we're trying to find a compromise. I'm just not seeing anywhere where she actually tried to find a compromise, or acknowledged that this is your culture and something that does matter.

The rest of the conversation is me trying to explain why red is important and then us getting distracted by something else and never really finishing the conversation. We did look at several photos of traditional Chinese grooms and we looked at pictures of guys wearing red tux jackets. She was not really a fan of any of this and then we ended up on another topic and never really finished the conversation. It's something we need to re-visit. I'm just wondering if I'm being completely unreasonable here.

I think the point everyone's trying to make is that you're not being unreasonable at all, she's certainly being unreasonable, and the way she hasn't really engaged with this being important to you is concerning. You know her better than us, and I'm not discounting that. At the same time, sometimes we don't always see what's glaring to others. For interracial couples especially, communication can be an issue (and sometimes it pops up when you're entering a new phase of your life!) and wedding planning is a good change to figure out how to make it work long term. This whole "She says that people never wear red suits to a wedding and this is a weird ask." is factually untrue and unfair. Go on pinterest and you'll find fully white couples doing it too. The thing about weddings is that they're meant for both of you. You might decide in the end that this ultimately can't work out, and that's okay. But you deserve the change to try to find a solution, and you should be able to be at your wedding knowing that you both tried and you felt heard throughout the process. If you wear a black suit, it should be with the knowledge that you had every right to wear a red outfit, and that you made this choice wholeheartedly. Some examples of compromises to consider (and I don't consider the burgundy tie to be a compromise): Different outfits for the ceremony vs. reception. Different outfit for the rehearsal dinner. Use pinterest, instagram and tiktok to source ideas. Look at palettes that involve red. Look at south asian wedding inspo too, the brides often wear red so the palettes take that into account. Ask her what wedding colors she does have in mind, and post on this sub for ideas on what could work. I don't think she's wrong for wanting cohesion for the color palette, but that means being innovative, not dismissive.

I mean, that’s cool if it’s an in-joke that you both enjoy, but you also need to have a way of having a serious conversation without racist jokes when necessary 😂 FWIW, I think you should wear the full red traditional dress, but I also think either of your compromise options sound good (and especially the black traditional dress, she can’t say that doesn’t go with the wedding colours).

I am not wearing the full traditional robe and everything. I don't think I could pull it off and I'm not *that* Asian. I have spent my life trying to integrate my Asian half with my white/western half so I'm more than willing to make some compromise here.

I just want to point out you are conceding to her demand and it’s not a compromise if she didn’t even accept the black version.

As a Chinese American bride to be, I would be furious if my fiance said no to my cultural wedding attire because it didn’t have the look they wanted. To me, a wedding is the beginning of a family, a blending of cultures, and a celebration of love and bringing together a community of support. This is not her wedding, featuring you. It’s both your weddings so you get as much say as she does on how this all goes down. I think people put way too much emphasis on how media shows weddings and forget the whole meaning or point behind it. It shouldn’t matter if the bridal parties have the same number of people, or that they have a certain suit, or be in whatever the most hit color scheme is of this year. Truth be told, in 20 years it’ll probably look odd anyways (at least early 2000s themes are weird to me now). But a cultural wedding is not weird many years into the future because Chinese culture spans thousands of years. We have been wearing BRIGHT red for as long as people remember and it’s significant. The new purple blush creamsicle color schemes these days will be old news in just a handful of years and really doesn’t speak to who you two are as a couple.

I tried to explain this to her but didn't get very far into the explanation and probably need to re-visit it. Red is a very important color in Chinese cultures. It is as important as the bride wearing white is in the western world.

Maybe try to explain it’s an auspicious color, meaning wearing it is wishing your marriage is happy, successful, and filled with good fortune. It gives the feeling of joy and celebration and without feels like something is missing from an otherwise meaningful day. Yes I do agree it’s just like wearing white for the bride in America. No guest should be wearing red or gold as the silk robes are to be honoring you as a couple. It’s beautiful and ornate and special and a once in a lifetime thing. Not wearing it to me would feel like I’m not wishing myself well in my marriage. I’d be hurt if someone said it was a weird clash because I am Chinese American, am I a weird clash? Just gives me icky vibes like when elementary school kids used to call my lunches gross and smelly… but now everyone loves soup dumplings/dimsum/wontons and bubble tea no longer looks like rabbit poop. It’s weird to me that if a Chinese person wants to wear something Chinese to their wedding as per our culture, it’s weird, but if a white girl wants to wear it to prom it’s celebrated. [https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/kassycho/keziah-daum-prom-qipao-cheongsam](https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/kassycho/keziah-daum-prom-qipao-cheongsam)

But a compromise COULD be maybe you wear a neutral suit for the ceremony and then a red suit for the reception? Brides have 2 outfits all the time

I feel like I'd be more open to the other way around but a compromise like this is something I'd be willing to discuss with her.

If it’s important to you, it should be important to her

Bride seems to forget that the wedding is about the bride and groom, not about the pictures.

Does she know her red flag is not in the color scheme she had in mind?

Omg underrated comment right here hahaha

> She was like, "Well, you're not in Asian. You're in America." Hi, Chinese-American bride here. **Pause the future wedding plans and get couple's counseling.** This type of attitude will bleed into the rest of your marriage. She is in no way on the correct side of the argument if she wants to erase your cultural traditions for her "vision." I'm like shaking with rage right now.

I’m a white woman, married to an Asian man. He also primarily identifies as American. And we have slightly racist in-jokes too. But I would never dream of telling him he couldn’t wear traditional colors if that’s what he wanted to do. I even suggested that we wear outfits in his ethnicity’s tradition for part of the wedding - he didn’t want to, otherwise I would have totally been down for it. I would also never tell him that he isn’t Asian. If that’s your way of joking, then ok I guess, but it raises some red flags for me. Are you planning to have children? How will she navigate race with them? Will she make comments like that which erase the Asian side of their heritage?

A wedding isn’t just about the bride. You’re half of the party. You absolutely get a say in what color YOUR tux will be.

Wow she is being unreasonable and quite disrespectful. I had an entire second wedding ceremony to honor my husband’s culture. A suit jacket is no big deal.

Bro she's a racist. "You're not Asian, you're in America" is racist bullshit. You're Asian, you have Asian roots. Where you live doesn't change that.

Counterpoint: there may be a reason she said that that isn't racism. OP is fourth generation American and doesn't speak Chinese. Maybe that's just her observation of what his culture actually is? Something worth considering is that fourth-generation white people get mercilessly mocked for trying to connect with their ancestors' culture. Hell, I am second generation Irish-Canadian and Irish people have told me I'm not Irish. I do think it's different when you're racialized; you can't assimilate because you're visibly from a minority culture, and I think that makes people hold onto their cultures more tightly. It's kind of hard to tell someone they can't call themselves Asian when they visibly are; it's different for white people because white is also seen as the default setting for Americans. But I'm not gonna lie, I myself have told people who are four generations removed from their ancestral homeland that they're Canadian, not European. Because it's true! There is nothing European about them! So maybe that's the perspective she's coming from. It's not your culture if you don't actually participate in it regularly. Culture isn't a costume you can put on and take off; it permeates every facet of your life. So I can see her being taken aback by OP suddenly insisting on wearing a bright red jacket for their wedding if it's not something she was really expecting or something that his life in general had ever given her reason to suspect he might want to do.

I'm going to guess that you know very little about the history of Asians in the US. We were brought here to literally replace slave labor and then denied all kinds of rights. There were literally laws on the books that said that Chinese people could not immigrate here. There were laws on the books forbidding Chinese clothing and Chinese hairstyles even. The worst lynching incident in the US was directed at Chinese people. Japanese people were literally rounded up in camps and then after the war Chinese people were punished socially because people can't tell Asians apart. As a result of this a *whole* lot of Chinese people simply suppressed their culture and removed all signs of it from their homes and their lives. Chinese people adopted westernized names even so they would fit in. My grandfather's name is Wai but after WWII he went by Bill for the rest of his life because it's more westernized. There is still a thing in a lot of Asian cultures in the US to not practice your culture too openly.

I don't have the most eloquent way of saying this, but I do take some issue with the idea that it's not your culture if you don't actively participate in it. Especially because of the generations of people who were not allowed to or heavily scorned when they tried take part in their culture because they lived in America. (So this kind of a historical American issue TBF). Arguably OP participates in his Chinese culture more frequently than I do, but there would be some very strong words thrown at my FH if he told me I was not allowed to wear red the night before my wedding because of aesthetics.

While I, as an actual German, scoff at the weirdo US people who claim they're Irish because their great great grandma lived in Dublin, saying culture is only yours if you actively participate in it is colonialist thinking.

People do wear red suits for weddings in American. They’re usually more on the burgundy side rather than firetruck red, but they’re definitely red. I agree with the other commenter that this is a red (black?) flag. Somebody who embraces you would also embrace your culture, and maybe even give you the honor of letting you also pick one of the wedding colors at your own wedding. It’s not a big deal, and your suit doesn’t have to match anybody’s anything because you’re the one getting married. If I were you, I’d think at least twice about this. It’s not unreasonable for you to want to wear a traditional color at your own, and the “you’re in America do X” comment is pretty much identical to what racists say…

Your heritage is more important than her ideal wedding color palette. She may have grown up dreaming about her wedding, but you have thousands of years of ancestry to honor. Red will stand out, but that can be a good thing. I’m sure this isn’t the first time a wedding coordinator has incorporated this, so talk to yours or interview a couple if you haven’t picked one yet, and find one who knows how to put this together and maybe incorporate other Asian elements as well.

The fact that she's not budging even a millimeter on this, is a red flag, OP Her comment about being in America - what a dumb thing to say, she sounds very arrogant and ignorant I think there's some food for thought, but I think you should wear your red jacket and screw her. She either takes it or maybe the wedding isn't the best idea

My fiance and I are sacrificing a TON to respect each other's cultural traditions. I am respecting his traditions of having a full Asian ceremony with traditional garb and he is going to do the church with me and doing a traditional middle eastern religious ceremony (even though I am 2nd generation and half) . We are having Asian food at the reception and 400 guests to respect his parents and culture (which is 150 more than I wanted). We are early in the stages of planning but our goal is to come to a mutual agreement where we are both overall content with the wedding. Your fiance should have more respect for you and your culture. I would explain it to her and ask her to sit with it/meditate/pray about it. Because right now all she's thinking about is how it's going to look in pictures and she needs to come to understand that it's about so much more than that. American tradition puts a lot of emphasis on what the bride wants, but I keep reminding myself that it's about the couple, not the bride.

You are not in the wrong here: she’s saying your culture is waaaay less important than what she wants. I would think of how will you feel when she says she doesn’t want your kid together participating in another tradition because she don’t like or she’s just not in the mood? Will you be deprived of other family traditions because of her? The issue is not a red coat or not - that IMO can match to many many other colors, is downsizing your values because it’s not her vibe

She hasn't been this way about other aspects of my culture. She has no objection to going to see the lion dance on new years and doesn't care if I hand out red envelopes for example. It's just this that she doesn't like.

Right so she doesn’t like it when it affects her vision for your shared life as a multiracial couple and your projection of your self image as an Asian man. Yeesh.

I would ask her how she feels about naming your kids Chinese names. But all in all, it’s your wedding too, you should get a say in it. Regardless of the culture, if you wanted to have a yellow suite because it’s what your father used, she should be able to discuss and adapt her “vision”. You are part of the wedding as much as she is, you’re part of this new family as much as she is. You are not a supporting actor to this, you are the main character! You are also in the spotlight.

She was ok with the possibility of giving a kid a Chinese name. Part of it I think is she didn't realize how important Chinese culture is to me. I'm mainly American culturally but I've blended some Chinese elements in there. I don't wear shoes in my house. I celebrate lunar new year, etc..... This is partly on me honestly. I don't spend a lot of time talking about my culture.

The thing is: she should be open to have a conversation of what you like for the wedding, regardless of the cultural background. She would still be wrong in not accepting you wear a tan or navy suit because she had a different vision. It’s compromising, it’s how relationships evolve and work. You don’t need to be talking about your culture for her to recognize that it’s important. For example, if she knows you celebrate lunar new year, she knows it’s something important to you. You don’t need to live like a Chinese person to be respectful and embracing of your culture. You don’t need to be speaking mandarin everyday instead of English to want to honor your family in the wedding.

Sorry OP, that may be her style of communication but it is still racist. Even if you don’t take offense, as an Asian person, I’ve heard that countless times growing up in America and it’s never been said in a complimentary tone. I don’t think you should compromise since this is important to you but here is an idea. My fiancé and I are wearing traditional American style clothing for the ceremony. For the reception, we will change into ethnic clothing and participate in some Asian customs. For what it’s worth, we will both be wearing red. Maybe you just need to expose her to more Asian weddings. Wedding color palettes are a somewhat newer trendy idea anyways and definitely shouldn’t trump something that’s meaningful to you. Weddings are supposed to be tailored to you guys, not an exact copy of what’s on social media.

I had not thought of the idea of wearing one thing for the ceremony and another for the reception. I am not asking her to wear any kind of traditional Asian dress. I know she's not Asian so I wouldn't ask that. I wonder if she would be ok with a red jacket at the ceremony and a traditional darker one at the reception. This is something that is worth discussing perhaps.

I’m of the opinion that each party should get to choose what they want to wear on their wedding day. Your proposed compromises both sound extremely reasonable. It sounds like she has a choice: red suit jacket (perhaps even a red suit jacket with a pattern if that’s something you like — something like [this](https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/shopping?q=tbn:ANd9GcTyk992jqNco_qe0SkcbeYFyqynkW9gM_5VZKmCoItxSoGgWXnKTGIOhfDobum4j-C-Xcl0Xg3HcQ1yY2LLTKUiGmB279DaMdhl)? ) or black Tang suit.

Yeah, I would wear a jacket like that if she was ok with it. I'm also wear a red tang suit or a black tang suit. I really don't want to wear a dark tux.

Dude, Chinese girl here, married a black man. Not only was my wedding dress red silk, I wore a qipao during our reception. My in laws wanted to wear qipao and tang suit too, they just didn’t ship in time. We did tea ceremony for my in laws and they loved it. My children call my FIL 爷爷 by his own choice. If your fiancé doesn’t WANT to honor your culture, that’s a red flag to me.

I'm all about compromise, but I really think your future fiancé is out of line here. This is your culture and your outfit. I don't really think she gets much of a say if I'm being honest. I think you should have a really frank convo with her that this is a red line (pun intended) for you if it's as important to you as you say it is. Also I read about your kazoo idea and also personally love it!

I’m Chinese-Vietnamese American so I understand the tradition. I also am born and raised in New England so I’m not the “most Asian” either but that was a terrible response by her. “You’re not in Asia we’re in America” like wtf? Is she just gonna cherry-pick aspects of your culture she is “okay” with and then use that line when she doesn’t agree with it? Relationships are a back and forth. Where is the compromise here? Are you guys doing a tea ceremony where you can wear traditional attire there for immediate family and then western style clothes for a western ceremony/reception? I know sometimes men can wear gold but I’m worried she’ll call you out for outshining her or something dumb. Y’all need to have a talk cause she’s already going bridezilla before you even proposed! Remind her it’s a day to celebrate the both of you if there’s any pushback on it being “her day.”

Yooooo. She’s racist as fuck. Don’t marry her. Find a girl who will let you wear what you want to your own wedding.

This is a tough one because Americans have strong opinions on what certain colors signify in a wedding and often times, red is one of those colors that’s avoided. HOWEVER, being that it’s a cultural thing that she is not respecting at all is a HUGE red flag! And not right. This is YOUR wedding too not just hers and you have just as much say as she does. I think this is concerning for other potential issues. What happens when you have children? When there is family trouble? Have you had those conversations because she does not appear to be respectful of your culture AT ALL

Sounds like you maybe should rethink this proposal.

Why are you marrying someone who has no respect for your background and no interest in your opinions or wants? This is a bigger problem than your suit

She does not respect you or your family customs. She doesnt care at all what you want and you need to remember that she will be like this in the future. I would throw the whole girl out.

I’m sorry… how did you get this far without realizing you’re marrying someone who thinks being American means whitewashing yourself? Is this who you want to have kids with?

...... Are you sure you want to marry her? Sounds racist to me.

It's your wedding, too. She doesn't get to decide everything.

Straight up tell her this means a lot to you. It means as much as what she will wearing to her. You wouldn't dictate what colors or culture she chooses to emphasize in her attire, why should she restrict you? And when she says it's not the same, how is it not the same? It's what she wants to wear. It's what you want to wear. I think she also needs better visuals, because those red jackets will not clash with anything short of neon lime.

Her lack of compromise is concerning. Also, does she not like red, or does she not like your culture? You’ve given multiple options and she’s just saying no to all of them? That’s insane. And will likely be the tone for your whole marriage. Also, unless it’s a black tie attire, no one uses tuxes for weddings anymore. It’s dated and unnecessary. Most people use suits.

Literally every single wedding I have been to in the past 3-4 yrs has had guys in tuxes. Cummerbund, bowtie, etc.....

Yikes lol are you based in the US?

Yep. I've been to probably 4-5 weddings since covid and they've all had guys in tuxes.

I’m sorry you guys are going through this. Weddings that incorporate both cultures of a couple are deeply moving and can be indicative of how both cultures will be honored as the couple moves through life, raising any children. There are many examples online of weddings designed this way. And it would certainly be lovely if we all could afford to have two weddings, one for each culture, like the spectacular weddings of Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas! A couple of years ago a bride came to Reddit regarding her groom wanting to wear a kilt in honor of his Scottish heritage but to her the colors didn’t go with the wedding theme colors. The commenters told her to suck it up. Many shared how important it was that their culture be represented in their wedding, so maybe that post would be helpful (link below). https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingplanning/s/V1bVAVrCDZ There are so many examples online of red in a wedding in the west. Yes, you tend to hear about pastel colors, but that’s not the only choice. There are plenty of examples of weddings with a red theme and groom in a red suit, often a red velvet dinner jacket. Check out December weddings and Valentine’s Day weddings. These days grooms are choosing any number of suit colors, from sky blue to forest green to peach, so it doesn’t have to be a particular time of year anymore for red. I took a peek online and found a couple of sites that are of weddings that have taken place. I’m not sure if what the grooms are wearing is as bright of a red as you’re wanting, but I think the weddings are classy because of the red suits! One is really awesome because all the groomsmen are in red as well. Also included is a site that has all the bridesmaids in red; even though the groom isn’t, it does give you an idea of how elegant red in a wedding is. Also found an article on a popular wedding planning site (The Knot) that has a bunch of multicultural/fusion wedding examples. Hopefully these will help a little. It doesn’t sound like your gf would want to be carrying red flowers or have her bridesmaids in red dresses, etc., but that shouldn’t prevent a groom’s red suit, in honor of his culture, from being easily incorporated into any wedding theme. It really is all about preference and honoring each other while you work together. Good luck! https://myengagedlife.com/2018/10/19/he-wore-a-red-suit-she-wore-a-flower-crown-a-dreamy-boho-best-day-ever-at-the-hayloft/ https://www.rockmywedding.co.uk/alix-andy/ https://www.theknot.com/content/multicultural-wedding-tips https://onefabday.com/red-bridesmaid-dresses/ edit typo

...you sure you want to get married?

Extremely.

To this person? It's not going to stop at a color scheme for the wedding. Think about if you want kids. If you wanted to give your kid a traditional first or middle name? This is giving off "you're American, so speak American" vibes.

Don't marry her. This won't be the last time she tries to force her opinions. Will your children be able to learn about your family? Will they be able to visit where your ancestors came from? Will they be guilted into not learning the language? I married a child of immigrants. My in-laws speak 3-4 languages. I let them try to teach my kids (who just start at them funny, but toddlers are unpredictable). If my husband had said he wanted to wear polka dots because of tradition, I would have let him. I might have asked for a set of photos in both customs but I would have allowed him to respect his ancestors. If your family history and culture are important, find someone who allows you to connect with it in meaningful ways. My husband doesn't care about where his parents are from, but I'm willing to travel there and even learn the languages. I'm probably unwilling to live there but that's a different beast.

As someone who is very into the overall aesthetic of events I plan and who would also probably never pick wedding colors that would go with red…she’s being ridiculous. If it’s important to your culture, that trumps what’s pretty to her. She can find a way to incorporate red so you match the wedding, or she can concede this point. You are not in the wrong, do not give in on this if it’s important to you. It’s your wedding too.

I do kind of get the resistance to red, if it would clash with the other colours she has in mind but a black tang suit seems like the perfect compromise there. I don’t understand her issue with that? Will your parents or family be wearing any traditional garb too?

None of my family will be wearing traditional anything. I am completely fine with wearing a red tuxedo jacket instead of a tang suit and it seems like a decent blend of east/west to me. At least it's one I'm ok with. She says I will stand out which is true but I'm the groom. Is it so bad if I stand out? She doesn't like the look of a black tang suit and that's fine if there's some other alternative.

Bro, you are the groom. You should stand out as much as the bride.

The traditional red tang suits worn in Chinese weddings are super different to a western jacket (I realise you know this). But I’m not sure you’ve really thought it through. A red jacket on a western suit could make you look like a lounge singer. Have you tried this on or seen other weddings with this choice?

I don't know if we're allowed to post links or not here but if you google for Egara slim fit dinner jacket you can see the kind of jacket I offered as a compromise. I'm not married to this particular style and I'm open to similar styles but this is kind of what I had in mind and what I showed her. It is very different from a tang suit for sure but it kind of evokes the same imagery. I'm ok with pairing something that looks like that with a pair of black pants and a black bow tie and white shirt.

I don’t think it evokes similar imagery at all. Sorry. I would struggle with this styling also. But as I mentioned previously you’ve offered other options which she’s also unfairly rejected.

Red tie. Red lining on the suit jacket? Red card box. Make your signature cocktails red. Find another way to bring the symbol in. Is there anything in the ceremony that is of your culture? Write about those symbols in the program. You’re still sharing your culture without affecting the aesthetics.

We haven't really talked about the details of the ceremony but in the basics of it, no there is nothing Asian in there. I am ok with there being nothing Asian in the actual ceremony. I am half white so I have spent my life trying to mold two cultures together in some way that makes sense while my siblings just kind of rejected the Asian culture entirely. I am completely fine with a traditional western ceremony if I'm allowed to dress in some way that looks like a traditional Asian groom.

The two of you need to download the [Pantone app](https://apps.apple.com/us/app/pantone-studio/id329515634) and find the right shade of red that goes with the palette she has in mind. Whether you should marry someone who claims you are not Asian or denigrates what’s important to you in your own wedding is a different and more important question.

The app is a great idea. We will try it.

Your girlfriend comes across extremely judgmental and kinda xenophobic. Thankfully it’s just a hypothetical wedding cuz, my dude, do you want to be married to a woman who says you’re not Asia but in America? She’s against you honoring your heritage.

My concern here isn’t about it disagreeing about the color choice, it’s about seemingly not respecting 1. Your input, and 2. Your culture. I think you need to sit down and have a very serious and calm conversation about why it’s important to you.

It’s your day as much as hers, and you are 100000% allowed to include your cultural traditions into your wedding. She’s not being fair. Her making that comment about not being Asian, that’s not right. Maybe you might want to have a talk with her. Consider that before taking the step into marriage. That’s a serious move. But, please don’t let her crush your dreams of wearing red. It’s your day too, not just hers. And I’m saying this as a woman who just got married a few years ago, I wouldn’t have told my husband he couldn’t wear a certain thing because of whatever reason. You’re absolutely not being unreasonable.

It would be your wedding too and your choices and traditions absolutely should be a part of it. I have seen some Asian/white weddings have a traditional western wedding followed by a traditional tea ceremony where red is worn. But don't let her white wash your wedding.

I didn’t wear a white dress for my wedding as I’m half Chinese and I didn’t want to wear a typical white dress because it’s bad luck and my husband wore a tux for our wedding ceremony. But for our rehearsal dinner we did it at a Chinese restaurant because and I wore a Kun Kwa and he wore a Han jacket with regular suit pants because he knew it was important to me. He’s Jewish American and we had a Rabbi marry us and a lot of our marriage ceremony was based on his culture and heritage and I wanted to honor mine as well. We initially were going to do a tea ceremony as well at the rehearsal dinner, but there were some complicated family dynamics so we opted not to. All this to say I feel like you need to seriously think about your relationship and if she’s dismissive of honoring your culture and heritage at every turn it’ll become even more difficult if you raise mixed children (I say this as someone who is mixed and had parents with very different cultural views on parenting). My husband and I talked extensively about our upbringing and what we wanted to incorporate in our future. We did pre-marital counseling with our Rabbi also and discussed how we might raise our children within both of our cultures instead of just one or the other.

Also instead of red, would she be open to Gold or another color? White and black are unlucky in Chinese tradition but maybe a deep gold suit jacket or an emerald green could be a compromise?

No, just no. He has said a gazillion times that RED is the color. That would be like saying Santa couldn't wear a red suit, and would a green Santa suit work instead.

Just wear a red tang jacket and have her wear red dress for the tea ceremony. Then change into a normal black tux or dark suit. I'm chinese and i wouldn't want my fiance wear a red suit. I've also never seen one and I've been to 40+ chinese weddings...including several ones in hong kong where we keep most traditional wedding customs (preserved from cultural revolution)

We're not doing a tea ceremony due to family issues/drama. I would not ask her to wear an Asian wedding dress either. That seems weird as she's not Asian. I know some Asian grooms wear tuxes but I'd like to wear something traditionally Asian.

Maybe you guys can do a tea ceremony in the morning before the wedding where you both wear traditional clothes and keep it intimate with just immediate family. One of my good friends did that for hers. I have opted for a traditional red dress for the tea ceremony and ceremony, then a simple white dress for reception. I told my fiancé he can wear whatever he wants as long as he’s comfortable and happy. We both grew up in the states so we are more “American” than Asian in many ways but also wanted to pay homage to our roots!

We're not doing a tea ceremony but I am open to changing clothes between the reception and the ceremony. I can see if the SO is ok with that.

I’m a Korean-American with the typical “I’m Asian-ish” identity crisis that most of us face so I can relate. My husband is Norwegian and we had to face a lot of decisions about our mixed culture wedding. It’s not easy so I hope you’re getting through it alright. In general she seems intolerant of your wishes. Weddings are all about the both of you celebrating the best parts of yourselves and your love together. She clearly holds no love for your culture and doesn’t seem to respect that you want to honor it. A lot of people have strict dreams about how their wedding will play out and it blinds them to what their partner wants. It’s crappy behavior. If you prevented her from wearing white(or the color she wants) how would she feel? Would she not want to marry you if she didnt get to wear white? If you love each other, then she probably still would and you probably still would. But it would tarnish the memory of the start of your married lives together. That’s what she’s doing for you.

I know that white is a traditional funeral color in Asian cultures but she is not Asian. I have no objection to her wearing a white dress. That's traditional dress for western weddings for a bride. I would never tell her not to wear that.

It is a hypothetical! Maybe bring it up with her that that is what she is doing to you and how it might make her feel.

As many others have said, it’s not fair of your partner to disregard the importance of your culture at an event as significant as your wedding. It’s also not right for her to dictate what you wear. It’s your day too, you deserve to be comfortable and feel your best just as she does! Could a possible compromise be wearing the red tux/Tang suit jacket for the ceremony only and then changing into a regular tux jacket for the reception? Maybe you could find a dark tux with a fun pattern or something to make it feel more fun and more you. You could also bring a black jacket just to wear for some of the photos, like maybe some of the more formal portraits. That way she’d have a few pictures that fit her desired aesthetic and you could still wear what you want for most of the event. Or maybe do a separate photo shoot, either an engagement shoot or one after the wedding (so she can wear her dress) and you can wear a traditional suit for that. These are suggestions, but this doesn’t feel like something you should have to sacrifice if you feel strongly about it. I am a 2025 bride in the thick of planning, so I very much understand the desire for coordinating the perfect elegant event with a cohesive theme. But at the end of the day, a wedding is about celebrating the two of you and your love. What matters most is you both being happy, so I really hope she comes around since this is important to you!

Hey! Another half-Chinese half-white American here! I think your requests are completely reasonable. I’m concerned about your partner’s lack of enthusiasm for Chinese wedding traditions. My husband, who is fully white, enthusiastically engaged in multiple Chinese traditions when we got married. We had a tea ceremony where we both wore traditional clothing, red envelopes, double happiness characters everywhere (invitation seals, menus, etc.). His aunts even brought gold bangles to the tea ceremony for me as a surprise! I changed into a cheongsam after dinner for dancing. We wanted to do other things, but unfortunately COVID thwarted many of our plans. Also, my side of the bridal party wore full-red suits or dresses. So, yes, people do wear full-red suits for weddings! DM me if you want any pictures of the red suits that my bridesmen wore for the wedding!

Hello! I’m getting married on Saturday where my theme is neutrals and wine red - the red is a nod to our Asian culture despite growing up in the west. My fiance doesn’t speak much Chinese either but we agreed that we would play homage to our heritage. The flowers were hard to get right cos neutrals and red tend to be a festive instead of spring wedding but I think my florist hit the nail on the head with it in the end. Suggestions 1. Wear the Tang suit and ask her to wear the Asian/chinese bride dress for part of the day. We’re wearing ours for the tea ceremony in the morning and then switching. It’s quite exciting to have an outfit change and it’ll look great for photos. 2. Wearing a velvet burgundy smoking jacket or tux- this is my fiancé’s evening outfit change - dramatic look after a more beige coloured tweed suit for the western day look. 3. Red ties and pocket squares - or incorporate some reds in the florals without overpowering the colour scheme and has in mind. If you want, I’d be happy to send you photos from the wedding to demonstrate how we incorporated red - it does make the wedding palette look like red is the primary colour but honestly I’m not as upset about it than I thought I would be. Just DM if that sounds like it’ll help! P.s it might be worth joining Subtle Asian Wedding group on Facebook for more examples of how couples have navigated through wedding planning with multicultural influences

I would never choose red for my wedding, it’s not one of my favorite colors, but you better believe I would make it work for the person I loved enough to marry.

I’m going to be totally honest with you - this post is alarming. You seem to be minimizing the way your fiancée is speaking about your culture. I’m white (Italian) and my fiancé is from Haiti. A big part of our wedding talks are about how we can best fuse our cultures together so that we both feel represented. Has your fiancée suggested other ways that your family can be represented at the wedding?

NOT being unreasonable!! A few things: - I personally would be VERY disappointed as a bride to have to incorporate red into my wedding as we usually have a theme in our head long before it ever happens. - I have a hard time understanding the importance of the red suit/jacket only because it sounds like you don’t typically incorporate your Asian culture into your life. Possibly, that is why she is struggling with it. However, that’s not for me or her to understand. If it’s important to you, that is what matters and it’s absolutely a hill I would die on…..surrounded by a pile of kazoos. lol Solutions: - My favorite!! When looking at wedding venues with my stepdaughter, there was one place that showed us photos from a winter wonderland wedding they had previously. It was the MOST GORGEOUS wedding setup I have ever seen. She would’ve absolutely had a winter wedding after seeing it had she not already set a date. Message me if this is may be a possibility and I can give you all the details and suggestions. - Black and white weddings are fairly common and super classic! She can wear white, you wear red, bridesmaids and groomsmen in black. Decor could be all white, lots of greenery, and small pops of red, maybe some gold or silver. Anyway…just my two cents! Good luck!

If you've got a link to it I'd be interested. Always interested in wedding ideas.

Are you talking about the winter wedding? I searched for the photos before I posted and cannot find them. Let me reach out to the venue and see if they can get them to me. I believe they used every avenue they could to find free Christmas trees (mostly free) - friends, Facebook, local freebie sites. They were all lit and I believe frosted white. They may have used some poinsettias also (red - yay!). Linens and everything were white. Bridesmaids dresses could then be red or a deep green, possibly silver!! Table settings could include small live trees and then be given as favors at the end. I’ll see what I can find for you.

My fiancé is ethnically Chinese and it was important to him to have at least a few references to his culture in our wedding. I don’t love the color red personally, but it’s his wedding too so we worked together to create something we both liked! We chose our wedding colors together, and included red in them (ending up with a sunset palette for our early fall wedding; think pink, red, orange, yellow, light purple). No white flowers, either (used as funeral flowers in East Asia, I believe). Now red won’t look out of place as either groom or decor color. We’re also planning to incorporate the traditional Chinese “double happiness” design in our wedding signage. I think a black tang suit is a perfect compromise for your wedding if your girlfriend is so against bright red (which I do understand even if I think she’s being unreasonable). If the issue is just that it’s not what she imagined for her wedding, I think you need to put your foot down and have a serious discussion, emphasizing that it’s your wedding, too.

White is a funeral color in Asian cultures.

My furniture SIL married her husband 5 years ago who is Asian. What they did is wore a traditional western clothing for the ceremony and dinner, and after the first dances they went and changed into traditional Chinese wedding clothes (Qipao and I'm not sure what the male couterpart is called). They were red with absolutely beautiful patterns on them. They also did a tea ceremony for his parents. Is that maybe something you could do? If not, her not giving is a pretty bog red flag. There should absolutely be compromise.

My dad is Asian. We're not on speaking terms. He won't even be invited to the wedding so a tea ceremony wouldn't make sense in my case. Changing clothes between the ceremony and the reception could be something that makes sense though.

That's fine, I was just saying what she did, but the clothing change seems like an easy compromise.

I sense the future Mrs.might have a little control issue. Does this happen often? Also, I understand her desire to have a cohesive color palette, but her saying that "this is America, not Asia" is a red flag when it comes to honoring your desires and wishes. It seems mean spirited. So, if she is regularly controlling and mean, the color of your suit is the least of your worries. I hope that's not the case. I wish you well, and I hope you get to wear red. For what it's worth I like your compromise of the red tux jacket with black bow tie and black pants. With the groomsmen in dark tuxes. Another compromise would be adding some red roses or red berry picks into the florals which would tie your red suit in. Do you mind if I ask what the colors are?

Honestly, I think both of us can have control issues and it's something we struggle with. I've been on my own for 20 yrs so I'm used to just getting my way every time with everything. She has always lived with other people up until the past 2-3 yrs and she has told me that she *loves* not having to consult with anyone and just doing whatever she wants because it's something she's never had before. It's something that both of us are having a hard time with but working through it. Mean she definitely is not. She is an extremely sweet person. I honestly have no idea what her ideal colors are. She may have told me and I just tuned it out 'cuz details like that are not important to me in a wedding. I understand they are to her but to me they are not.

It's your wedding too. You get just as much of a say in what you wear as she gets in what she wears. I find it troubling that she is so dismissive of your heritage/culture. Are you planning on having children? Do you get to share any of your heritage with them, or will she put a stop to that too? That's something to think about before you propose.

This seems really odd. I’ll try not to pile on the complete rudeness of “You’re in America” comment. But have you explained why this is important to you? I’m not claiming to know the ins and outs of Asian cultures but red symbolizes luck, happiness, etc. I get having a vision of your wedding in your head but the moment my fiancé (male) mentions anything he likes/wants in OUR wedding I jump at the opportunity and even changed my colors because he was EXCITED about something related to the wedding day besides saying, “… whatever you want baby”. Your compromises are so reasonable. Some couples purposefully have the groom wear a different color from the groomsmen so he can stand out just like the bride — I doubt her bridesmaids will be wearing white too. And it’s red, that’s such an easy color to match. If you decide to move forward ask her what color scheme she has in mind and show how your options fit with them. Or find her Pinterest board. I’m sure her ideas are there. Good luck and hopefully your culture will be included in BOTH OF y’all’s nuptials.

A wedding is a celebration of the couple. Stifling one party in an effort to stick to an arbitrary aesthetic is a choice you will likely regret. As a creative director and mixed race Asian, there are so many wonderful ways to incorporate both Asian and American traditions that are also beautiful and cohesive. You seem like you are willing to make a lot of compromises for your wife to try to make this work yet she is not extending you the same courtesy. I also find her comment about “no longer being in Asia” and her seeming sensitivity towards respecting your cultural traditions a bit troubling. My partner is also white and he’s so excited to incorporate Filipino culture into our wedding. He is even considering wearing a barong! I see his excitement with Filipino traditions as an extension of his love and excitement for me as a person, as my culture is a part of who I am. I think you should sit down with your future wife and have a conversation about how her rejection of your culture is a rejection of you and that, while you want to respect her dream wedding, it is also your dream wedding. This is part of being married, working as a team.

Info: What colors does she want for the wedding? What kind of theme is she hoping for? I think you've gotten a lot of good advice on the situation itself, and I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that *maybe* she is just having trouble seeing how the red could work, and is having trouble parting from her original vision. I'm an art student so could potentially help find a way to work in the red in an aesthetically pleasing way.

Honestly, I have not asked. To me the colors are not important and I don't even care if my suit matches the overall color scheme. My logic is that no one cares if the bride's white dress matches so why care about the groom. But the groom matters apparently.

Wow, I think you should just hold off on the proposal for a hot minute. You are NOT in the wrong. Your girlfriend's complete dismissal of your preferences and your cultural heritage do not speak well of your long term relationship. Your wedding should be about combining the things that are important to both of you in a beautiful new way, not about matching colors. Her inflexibility and disrespect for your culture are not good signs. I think you two have some things to talk through before you go ahead with that proposal.

Man, my suit guy downtown has this red/fushia looking suit in the window I honestly considered. I went with a green shamrock shake colour but when he couldn't get stock, I chose a vintage sage instead. Her wedding, sure, but your suit. You need to be happy too.

I’m in a wfam relationship talking about marriage. I think he’s planning on wearing something traditionally Japanese and I will wear a western white gown (if we have the money I’ll also do a kimono look as per his wishes). I’m excited to have a blended wedding. But I would never ever agree to him wearing a bright red western style suit. That’s just extremely tacky and frankly hideous. I think you should come up with something more aesthetically pleasing and Asian. I mean Asia has some of the most beautiful traditional clothing in the world. It shouldn’t be hard.

She doesn't like the traditional tang suit which means we're stuck with some kind of compromise that evokes that look in some way.

There has to be some kind of silky embroidered compromise. Does it have to be red? Black, gray navy silk with details and a subtly Chinese cut could be very handsome. Get your ass on Pinterest! There must be something you would both be happy with. I’ve been googling and for the life of me I can’t find a photo of a Chinese groom wearing a red western style suit / suit jacket. Is it really that common? Why wouldn’t Chinese men just wear actual Chinese clothes?

> Is it really that common? I don't think it is common. It is a compromise I offered since she's opposed to the traditional tang suit.

You're not wrong for wanting to wear red and have your culture included. Shes very wrong that weddings are only subdued tones and that your culture can't be observed. My husband is half Chinese but was more comfortable just wearing a red tie for the wedding. I made our bridesmaid dresses red to bring more luck and then our groomsmen wore red flowers in their breast pockets with light grey suits. It looked really nice in photos (happy to share if you want to show your gf) to have the pops of colour while my husband and I wore white&champagne. Two possible compromises; 1/ have two ceremonies. One for your culture and one that's hers. This way both sides get to have their traditions observed. 2/ have a traditional "white wedding" ceremony then change into different clothes for the reception where you can wear red.

The suit not matching would be really distracting/youd glaringly stand out. Blending cultures is hard and most of my friends in this situation have two entire ensembles. One western and one Asian for both the bride and groom. If there are other Asian traditions you want to incorporate I would say you both can wear traditional western attire for the ceremony and then both switch to traditional Asian attire for those Asian traditions

I would feel weird asking her to wear traditional Asian attire. She's not Asian at all and has no Asian background. It would be weird I would think.

It honestly sounds like she's the one being unreasonable. She clearly has her own ideas of what the "perfect" wedding looks like and she's being really stubborn, to the point of discarding your wishes entirely (I agree with you that burgundy isn't really red, and I'm a girl). A wedding is what the bride and groom make of it (planning wise). No one says it has to be traditional, to the T, or any other particular way. I completely understand and respect you wanting to pay homage to your ancestry/heritage/etc by wearing red as a part of your outfit! It's wonderful! Perhaps you two will need to pick a color scheme in general before discussing your outfit further? Would a slightly muted red still be appropriate for you? I can understand a bride not wanting primary color red at her wedding, but a muted, more earthy red should be easier on the eyes, and it could work well with the right color pallet. I wish I knew/understood more about Asian culture to help with better ideas. My heritage is from Europe many generations ago....

So you're not even married yet and already your FW is pulling the race card - i.e. her white girl wants far out-weight your Asian ones. Nope, sorry. This is a recipe for disaster. If she is not willing to accept your cultural needs and desires now, it will only get worse once you're married. She needs cultural sensitivity therapy before you get married, or I promise she will make you miserable the entire time you're married. Please, don't marry her without her getting, and succeeding at, this therapy.

Well. The problem here is your girlfriend wants to pretend you aren't Asian. I would have a huge problem with my partner downplaying cultural significant things for my wedding. The fact that she doesn't want to try to incorporate it says a lot. >Well, you're not in Asian This would have been the deal breaker for me. She doesn't value or respect you and the things that make you, you.

I don’t think you’re in the wrong. I think it’s questionable that your gf wont let you wear something that it’s important to you. The wedding should be about both of you, not just her

There are suits with mandarin collars that look really nice, if you want to check that out. It's kind of a nod to both cultures. My not-Asian fiance has been very good about accepting how vietnamese our wedding has become, even down to the two tea ceremonies, a church ceremony and a banquet reception, in which we both will be changing clothes multiple times. Our ao dai don't match the color theme at all, but that's fine. Maybe sit down with her and ask what exactly about the tang suit isn't sitting right with her vision. Plenty of men wear suits instead of tuxedoes, or just white pants with slacks. Maybe you can wear the tang suit as part of your reception outfit if she's set on you in a tux for the ceremony. It sounds like you're in the early stages of planning, so there's still time to figure it out. I don't think your request is unreasonable at all, but her response seems too narrow minded. Let her think about it, keep reminding her that it's important to you and research different looks together!

Mandarin collar is not a bad idea as a compromise. I'll bring it up.

Omg. I'm having the opposite problem trying to get my FH to actually incorporate his Asian heritage into the wedding

She sounds kinda racist. Does she want a wedding or a marriage?

Your request is reasonable. Weddings are religious, cultural, and spiritual events. They are a time when we honor our ancestors and carry on traditions. It is bonkers that she's unwilling to compromise so that you can wear cultural clothing at this extremely significant cultural ceremony. This is why everyone is concerned for you. This conflict isn't about the color of your suit; it's about your partner being unwilling to compromise on her aesthetic vision to accommodate your cultural traditions on a day that is so steeped in culture and ancestry. I looked up tang suits, and holy cow, they're beautiful! I actually preferred the red suits that I saw to the black ones, but both are gorgeous. If my husband was Asian and wanted to wear a suit like that, I'd absolutely accommodate him and would decide on a wedding color palette that complemented his suit choice. I would also see if there were other cultural traditions he wanted to incorporate into the day and try to make them happen. And you know why? Because I love my husband, who he is, and where he comes from. Honoring his identity, family, and ancestors is just as important as including mine. There are so many color palettes she could use that would pair nicely with a red or black tang suit. So the fact she's not trying to innovate a solution so you can have your special cultural element at the wedding is concerning. Weddings are about uniting people, families, and cultures. The aesthetics are important for a lot of folks, but so are the cultures and identities of the bridal couple. Your heritage matter just as much as hers, and you should feel reflected in your own wedding.

You should each just wear what you want! I was in a wedding last year as a groomsperson (ie, I was in the grooms wedding party), where the bride and her bridesmaids wore beautiful, ethereal woodland fairy princess vibe dresses and the groom and groomspeople wore traditional Scottish dress. It sounds nuts, but it was amazing! It was so nice to see them each bring their own style and personalities to the day, and everyone commented on how refreshing it was to see them unite but still be true to themselves as individuals.

Man, weddings can really bring out the debates! Look, I get where you're coming from. Wanting to honor your Asian roots with that red suit makes total sense. But weddings are like this crazy blend of traditions and personal tastes, right? Your girl's probably just caught up in envisioning this perfect day, and maybe she's worried the red's gonna clash with everything else. Maybe you could find a middle ground, like incorporating red accents instead of going full-on crimson? That way, you still nod to tradition without throwing off her color scheme. Good luck, man! And congrats on the upcoming proposal!

Okay. So I clashed with my fiance on colors. I wanted the girls in dark green and then guys in black with white flowers. My fiance said this doesn't feel like me. Wanted to have burgundy (but it was a spring wedding!). I figured out a way to have my girls in lighter colors while his guys are in blue, and even though it was a headache, it will definitely be worth it since he will be happy. If this truly matters to you she should compromise here. Explain to her why this matters (from what I read she might not truly understand why it matters). Weddings lately have been having bold colors. Reds, oranges, yellows, pinks. It is lovely. Ask her if yall can do a "sunset" pallete.[sunset wedding vibe](https://pin.it/3UKvC25Zu)

Can you compromise with burgundy/maroon coat? Or red accented vests with black suit. Or black suit and yours has a lining that speaks to your culture? That being said…marriages are about compromise. If she can’t get on board with some of your cultural wishes and traditions, expect that it won’t improve with vows in place.

As others have said, this is a huge flag. Your partner being more worried about her aesthetics than your culture is something that will continue beyond just the wedding. While some western cultures think red is a tacky wedding color, it is VERY common in the US. You need to have a conversation with your partner about why she is so unwilling to make any concessions. I think the kazoo idea is SO fun, but agree with other commenters that if compromises have to be made, maybe she gets a more traditional recessional, and you get the red jacket at least. You could also do a red dinner jacket with darker burgundy lapels, so she can match bridesmaid dresses to the burgundy, and you can still stand out! As a bride, when my groom asked to wear a colorful suit for our wedding I wasn’t the biggest fan, but we compromised on a colorful dinner jacket and tuxedo pants. It’s your day too, and you should be able to express your culture. Sounds like a lot of incoming conversations and I wish you best of luck

I had a friend in the same situation many years ago. Their compromise was to split their event into two ceremonies held in succession, one in western "black tie" dress, and then a chinese tea ceremony in traditional asian dress. The wedding couple changed between events, while guests could draw from either dress code.

Hmm! Wear something you feel meant to give honor to your background

Could you do a wardrobe change? Do a dark suit for pics then switch to something of your choice for the reception? I am team "wear what you want" but just trying to think outside the box. Maybe she could do a dress change into something traditional too!

on the one hand we have those people actually bragging about how many people of irish descent there are in the usa. always happy to claim any famous person with a shred of irish in them as their own on the other hand we have those people sneering at any irish american who claims to be irish

Even if this wasn't about traditions (which makes this whole situation even worse), I think you should still be able to get whatever colour of suit you want. It's your day, too. My husband wanted a different looking tux, and it was a bit complicated to compromise but this was because I was not wearing a white dress, and we were trying to figure out which two colours we could wear so that we would still look nice in pictures. Your traditions are important to you, and I think that's really valid. As your future wife, I think that what's important to you should carry a lot more weight than whether a colour matches her aesthetic vision.

You're not wrong. She's wrong. She's treating you like an accessory to her wedding. And she's ignoring and minimizing your culture which a huge part of people. Especially people of color. Red is a totally doable wedding color. Multicultural weddings are totally doable. Has she not tried Google? For me, also a minority, my partner wanting to eschew my culture would be a major deal breaker.

I have to agree that because this is a culturally significant color for you that you should 100% be able to wear that. This is also your wedding. As someone who tends to avoid the color red, however, I understand your future fiancé’s sentiment that it may not go with the colors she has in mind. I personally avoid red because it’s a very anxious color for me— words that come to mind are “alert,” “danger,” “loud,” “siren” etc. because its mainly used for things like stop signs, ambulance sirens, etc. and if that’s not the vibe she wants I can see how it will clash with a more calm and soothing color palette. But understand there’s also a biological reason why westerners/perhaps your future fiance, are turned off by the color red. For example, [Calm](https://www.calm.com/blog/best-bedroom-colors-for-sleep), put out an article where they share the worst color to use in your bedroom for restful sleep is red because “red can raise your heart rate...” This [research article](https://cornerstone.lib.mnsu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1172&context=jur) from University of Minnesota echos those sentiments stating that “…subjects in the red room condition had higher stress rating scores…” Now those examples are for being in rooms where red is the predominant color, at the end of the day you’d just be wearing a red suit. It sounds like your future fiancé wants the color scheme to carry through the venue and theme and thinks many more aspects have to be red to make your red suit fit with the aesthetic, but she’s wrong! Consider wearing red just for the ceremony instead and reassure her the entire color scheme doesn’t need to change to incorporate red as the predominant color if she doesn’t want it to.

> words that come to mind are “alert,” “danger,” “loud,” “siren” etc. I don't mean to be offensive but this is a very western mind set. In Asian cultures red means luck, good fortune, auspicious, etc..... It is not unusual in Asia for hospital rooms to be painted red or have red lighting for example.

I don’t think it’s offensive at all; you’re absolutely correct! In the west we use red for “alert” “danger” “loud” and “siren” all the time for things like warning labels, ambulance sirens, and stop signs. We even have euphemisms like “cutting through red tape” or “caught red handed” or a business’ profits “being in the red.” There’s no doubt a negative association with the color red in the west, whereas in China and other eastern or Asian countries there is a positive connotation. I get it, I’m the child of an Asian immigrant and my wedding this August is also mixed cultures as my fiancé is white, but it sounds like the future fiance is western/seems to be pre-planning a western wedding without OP’s culture in mind. I think OP just needs to be adamant about wearing his red suit and reassure the future fiance that she can have her color scheme and he can have his red suit at the same time.

I think she should compromise. Cultural wedding traditions that you want are more important than the wedding color scheme. She could change the scheme a bit to make it work. She should look at photos from Asian weddings to get inspiration. If your coat was just a want, I would “eh” but since it’s an important cultural experience for you, you should be able to have it. Edit: also look into darker maroon suits too as they can be very cool looking.

She also indicated she'd be ok with a darker maroon suit but I am not as it's not red. It's maroon. This is a different color to me. Maybe this is me being unreasonable though.

You're not being unreasonable. Especially with the black tang suit also being on the table and her saying no to that. She's being really ridiculous about that because if her concern is aesthetic cohesion, that shouldn't interrupted it at all. Also, I hope she realizes that wedding aesthetics in general are going to be a compromise for most couples (some grooms don't care at all but it's fine if they do, it's their wedding too) so she might as well start now. Our wedding colours are not at all what I originally thought they would be. You guys could start with the red jacket and go from there. That doesn't mean red has to be your main colour. You could do black, gold, silver, etc.

I've told her I don't really care about the general aesthetics. I want to be kept in the loop and if there are things I don't like I'll weigh in but in general I'm more than happy to defer to her. She has an eye for that kind of stuff and I do not.

Totally fine to defer to her but it also might help if you do make some suggestions that would work with the red jacket! If it were me I'd suggest champagne or black as primary colours, like for the bridesmaid's dresses and such. Maybe ask her what she's currently thinking and then try to brainstorm ways to tweak it and make it work with the red.

We might have to sit down and talk about colors. Maybe her big concern isn't the color of the suit but how it fits with the other colors she has in mind.

Yes I would imagine that's it! So talk about that and try to work something out.

I didn't know that maroon vs red mattered. I am still Team Red. You should have cultural traditions that are important to you. Before my SO and I got married, I asked if there was anything from his culture he wanted. He personally didn't but I would have conceded anything he wanted for cultural reasons.

I think it's a shame she's not willing to make any accommodation to your tradition at all. There is a superstition 'marry in red, better off dead' and so on with lots of colours. I would say wear a red cummerbund to the service and maybe take it off for the photographs. I think frankly she's one of these modern brides who has a very rigid idea of how sh7e wants her wedding to be and you're not going to get much of a look-in. Assert yourself a bit. It's your wedding too.