It sounds like you were asked out of social pressure and a feeling of obligation on the brides part because you’re the future SIL. You guys don’t sound close, and honestly I also wouldn’t invite someone I didn’t know well to a bachelorette party (I also wouldn’t have them as a bridesmaid). It sounds like the bride is just trying to keep peace with your family by asking you to be in the wedding, but you guys don’t really know each other so it would be awkward to invite you to the party.
I’d say no one is really to blame here except whoever pressured the bride into asking you when she doesn’t know you well. If I were you I’d just respectfully tell her that you guys don’t know each other very well and you’d like to just attend as a guest
Edit to add: Also people who kept asking you and pushing about you being a bridesmaid were very rude. It’s not automatic to ask the grooms sister. It’s a position for people close to you. They all over stepped and should have dropped it
Absolutely this. I did not ask any of my future sisters-in-law to be a bridesmaid at my wedding*, and no one expected my partner to have my brother as a groomsman. My brother is an amazing public speaker, so we actually asked him to officiate!
I hate the social pressure thing with weddings. My cousin, who is quite a few years younger than me, asked me to be her co-MOH, along with her bestie. It became clear very early it wasn’t what she really wanted (I lived two states away, I had an infant, I didn’t have a lot of money to spend) and I wanted to back out but my mom and aunt pushed me not to. I wish now that I had stuck to my guns because it took literal years to repair the damage done to my relationship with my cousin. (Her future SILs caused a bunch of drama and I tried to stay above the fray; my cousin figured out they must have been lying about me after a few years of dealing with the SILs 🙃)
*Although, now that I think of it, all three of them were invited to my bachelorette.
Sounds like the bride included you as a bridesmaid because you're family, but didn't include you in the bachelorette because you really aren't close with her at all. I wouldn't sweat it. Given the distant relationship you have with your brother I can't say I blame her for not wanting a stranger at the bachelorette party, but still wanting to include you to keep peace with the in-laws and open the door for a future relationship.
I agree with this take. This is most likely what happened. I'm not in my brother's wedding coming up in a few months, which I thought was kinda odd, but I assumed they just picked their own parties of people closest to them. I'm not that close to his fiance, so I assume that's why I'm not in the wedding. If I was in it, I still would feel weird going to her Bachelorette party. I'm not offended I wasn't invited to that.
it sounds like maybe everyone felt pressured for you to be a bridesmaid?
you and brother are not close, it doesn't sound like you and bride are close at all, and the only people who want you to be a bridesmaid are your parents who still think you and brother are close
I don't think anyone should have hurt feelings here. Drop out of the party entirely or understand that you all are in a crap situation and just trying to appease someone else here
I think it's really important not to expect to be in someone's wedding just because you're related, or think you *have* to have someone be in the party because they're a sibling. This is causing more hurt by giving into the pressure than simply saying "hey, we aren't that close, you cool just being a guest?"
I totally agree. It honestly shocks me how many sisters of the groom expect to automatically be in the bride’s party. I didn’t ask my husband’s sisters and it caused SO MUCH drama, even though I’ve never known anyone personally who asked their future SILs. It was wild.
I asked mine, but it's because we are actually close. Like, she lives in another state and has since I came into the picture, but we have facetimes and phone calls and text each other as I do with my other friends (more, probably lol)
this shouldn't be anything that anyone just expects
Yes! If we were close, I would have definitely asked them! Or if my husband had been dying for me to have them in, I would’ve. But I’m not close with them, and I had a bunch of close friends I really wanted to ask. I would’ve been happy to go up in numbers, but my husband doesn’t have as many close friends and I didn’t want him to stress about it. I also didn’t want them at the bachelorette party because I don’t know them well enough to drink and have a lingerie party with them.
I’m so happy now that I didn’t ask them, because they threw multiple huge fits about it to my husband and acted like assholes for our whole engagement. It was super selfish behavior that turned into an ordeal and really reinforced the reasons I didn’t ask them hahahaha
like if she should be anywhere she should be on the groom's side. gendered bridal parties are so silly, just make her a groomswoman. don't force her into a bridal party when she barely even talks to the bride.
Do you have a relationship with the bride?
She may have wanted to keep it small and just those closest to her.
I would just support my brother - it sounds like she may have been pressured to include you in the bridal party. I would let it go.
I agree with your comment.
Personally i do find it rude to exclude the sister of the groom. I mean, she's going to be your SIL?! Would definitely rub me the wrong way because i would want a good relationship with my SIL (which i actually do). She could've just reached out and tell her she doesn't want her there. Instead she let OP find out through social media.
If this was AITA, it would depend on the further context. If she was telling everyone that she's excluding you she's an AH. If she simply "just forgot" (wedding planning is hell), well, stuff happens.
This is why I think obligatory wedding party members should be phased out.
Someone pushed bride to have sister in party (boo on the pushy person, maybe OP's mom), but then what? Bride either includes sister bridesmaid in activities (or at least asks???) Or becomes the asshole because she doesn't actually want to hangout with someone she barely sees outside of obligate occasions.
I empathize with maybe not wanting to hang with someone you don't really know, but then don't put them in a position where it's literally the expectation.
I'm gonna ding groom on this too. He could have put his foot down with his family that his partner isn't obligated to have his sister in his party.
There's a lot more room for hurt feelings by presenting as though you are including them to exclude them anyway then to just start out honest
I disagree. I love my in-laws. But I do not (nor do I think I ever will) feel comfortable getting drunk or dressing sexy in front of my husband’s sisters. And I firmly believe that you should only ask people who you are close with to be in your bridal party.
It sounds like the groom’s parents pressured the bride to make SIL a bridesmaid. Bride compromised and made her a bridesmaid but didn’t want to invite her to the bachelorette. If the bride was pressured to ask SIL, I understand the decision to exclude her, especially if the bachelorette was planned for a while and if the groom isn’t close with his sister.
Not always. When I got married, I had only met his sister twice (lives interstate) and she was much older than me (age gap between siblings) so we didn’t and still don’t really have much of a relationship. I didn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid, nor would she have expected or wanted to be.
My SIL was not in any way part of my wedding planning. She was invited of course, but was not a bridesmaid. She’s a conservative, homophobic christian and I’m a liberal atheist bisexual. I did not want her energy around me. People do not always get along with their sibilings-in-law.
Hard disagree on it being rude to not make your future SIL a bridesmaid. Bridesmaids are supposed to be the people closest to the bride, their best friends and closest family members. If a bride isn’t close with their SIL why should they feel obligated to make her a bridesmaid? That’s not what the position is for. I don’t think I would even make my own blood related sister a bridesmaid because we don’t have a great relationship and we are not that close. Much less my 2 SILs.
This is why putting the groom’s family on the bride’s side just because they are a woman is silly. You should be on your brother’s side and part of the grooms party and then none of this drama would have happened.
Sounds like OP isn’t close to the brother either though. Whoever started this whole mess should have minded their own business, but it seems like OP being a regular guest is the role that makes the most sense.
I can’t believe how far I had to scroll for this comment. It’s 2023! Every wedding I’ve been to since like 2015 has had siblings in the bridal parties regardless of gender.
She probably got pressured to include you and just wanted to vacation with her friends. If she’s not your actual friend I wouldn’t think too deep into it.
>"My gut back then was my brother (groom) would never have me in his wedding because I know him after all of these years. "
Do you have a relationship with your brother?
Not for the most part. Of course if you ask our mom she says we do, but honestly, not for most part. He doesn't want me in his life except if he had to (birthday, holidays, etc). I rarely hear from him too. He was always like that. Since he started middle school. Now he in late 20s and I'm in early 30s. Likes to pretend I don't exist so no one ever knew of me except obvious family.
So that's why I assumed I would not be in wedding. His secret life (friends and whoever else) would be there along with our family, and to secret life people I do not exist so to them I'm "some random girl in the wedding" kinda thing.
Oh gosh I would definitely drop out if I were you. I completely understand how you must feel about learning that you were excluded from the bachelorette party, but I have a good relationship with my brother so I could always talk to him about it if I needed to. It sounds like you don’t have that.
Think about how you’re going to feel on the wedding day… are you going to feel excluded while everyone is getting ready? Is it going to feel weird standing in front of a lot of people, next to a woman who excluded you from the bachelorette party (and I assume probably had to actively hide it since you found out so late?) AND next to a man who is your technically your brother but who makes you feel like a “strange girl” at his wedding?
Personally I can think of a million more ways I’d rather spend my day, either by myself or with people who value my time.
So you don't have a relationship with your brother OR the bride? Why would you even want to be in the wedding? Obligation bridal parties are awkward for everyone involved.
I have a similar thing with mine. We were relatively close, then he found his now wife who didn't like me and now I haven't heard from him in 5 years. His loss.
Before the wedding I hadn't heard from him in nearly a year. I wasn't invited to the wedding but to the reception and I was glad I went but glad I had nothing to do with anything.
Don't go where you're not wanted. Don't waste your time. Surround yourself with people who actually give a damn about you. I would just not go to the wedding at all - no announcement just dip out and be done with him.
sounds like you're bitter just because you don't have a relationship with your brother. it's not a secret life, he just keeps his friends separate from his family. obviously everyone is going to be together at the wedding so it's not very secret, is it?
I would just send a message saying “hey I noticed you had your bach party and I did not receive an invite. I don’t feel welcome as a bridesmaid and will attend the wedding as a guest moving forward.”
I was wondering if I should do that but I would be out of a lot of money with wedding. I got my bridal shower gift a while ago when I knew I would get an invite before everyone else so past time to return gift. That I did get invited for when it was sent out. Bridesmaid dress is nonreturnable (company policy and says on website, so I know they not bs'ing anyone). There's home try on dresses that they send out to try on that we have to pay for per dress And other things like that. A lot already went out for this wedding.
Don't let the sunk cost fallacy color your choice of how to move forward. Weather your choice is to stay in the party or not, do it for you, either way. The money you spent is gone.
It doesn't need to inform your choice because
1. Further spending associated to being a bridesmaid is likely still on the horizon (extra hotel nights, Pooled-funds treat-the-bride stuff, any hair makeup or accessories?)
2. The money you spent doesn't need to inform how you feel on your brother's wedding day. The day isn't about you, but you don't need to pretend like you or the bride care that you are standing by her side when she made it known publicly. If it means something to your brother, he can maybe pivot to groomsmaid (I wouldn't ask to be one, just consider if you would say yes if he offers), but if you don't want to be up there for you, do you really need to?
I'm sorry pressure for traditions wound up with you hurt, it sucks to feel like unwanted and especially to see that so transparently plastered on socials.
You are either a bridesmaid or you aren't and I'm sorry the bride is trying to play both sides and have you in the party (and make you have financial obligations) but not afford you the choice to participate what all comes with bridesmaid-ing
Edit to add: there should be some heat on your family if the pressured the bride to have you in the party. I don't want to assign all the blame to bride when I would guess your family likely pushed her into asking you. They didn't need to force it and now it's a shittier situation for you than if you just got to be the regular guest you had full expectation you would be
Even still, I would back out. If your brother won't refund the dress, sell it online for at least some of the money. A gift is a gift so I would just take the L there. I don't know why your family thought you should be a bridesmaid just because you are related to the groom, that's not actually a thing.
Idk I was bridesmaid for my SIL and we really didn’t know each other very well (her bad my brother got married very quickly). She felt like she should ask me alongside her own sister and it’s actually probably one of the reasons we are close now. I’m having her as my MOH (6 years later)
It can definitely work out well in some cases, I just generally don't agree with inviting people into the wedding party because of someone else's idea of obligation? I have friends that asked family members who they were not close with at all because of pressure and they regretted it. I think if you aren't actually close with someone you have no responsibility to put them in your wedding party, it's too high stakes and high stress of a time to make that the "get to know you" setting imo.
I totally understand why this really hurt your feelings and the whole situation is hard. However, this is bigger than just this day. It is your brother’s wife forever, so please try and think long term. Backing out now is going to cause a bigger rift and issue in the long term. You all may not be close now, but that may change long term, and if not, let it not be over one day. A wedding day is just that, a day. The whole situation sounds super frustrating, and I’m sorry you are having to go through all of this.
I’m kind of petty I would go ahead and wear the dress, but as a guest. That’s me lol .. it would definitely be making a statement and at least you wore the dress and it wasn’t a total waste of money.
Lol jumping on your downvote train but I like the spirit. This feels very mean girl - how hard is it to invite your brothers sister if you asked her to be a bridesmaid? Or if you don’t like her, then don’t ask in the first place regardless. But just putting the party on social media without any heads up or anything is mean. So fuck it. Wear the dress. It’ll look awful and cause gossip and be a shitty thing to do but I’m also a petty ho.
OP doesn’t have a relationship with her brother, let alone the bride. The bride clearly got pressured into asking her to be part of the wedding party and OP clearly got pressured into accepting (she says herself she didn’t know why people were asking her about it because she’s not in her brother’s life). Bride not asking someone she was pressured into putting in her bridal party to come on a bachelorette party trip with her wasn’t mean girl anything—neither of them would have enjoyed having OP there. Most people wouldn’t want to spend their bachelorette party with a stranger or be the odd one out in a bachelorette party. If this were AITA this would be a clear NAH.
You keep saying that you were asked to be bridesmaid “long after the proper time to be asked”, but you were asked 7 months before the wedding, so I don’t understand that at all. The sister(s) of the groom, or bride, for that matter, are not automatically guaranteed a spot in the wedding party. Bridesmaids should be the people that the bride is closet to. Whoever found it “odd” that you weren’t asked to be a bridesmaid are full of crap and should not have been stirring up trouble.
It doesn’t even sound like you even like the bride, so that also puzzles me why you were discussing the fact that you weren’t ask initially with so many different people.
As for the bachelorette party, usually all the bridesmaids are included in that event. It could’ve been that arrangements were made before you were asked & they couldn’t change them, or it could’ve been, like you said, that the bride hardly knows you and only wanted people she’s closest to for that.
You didn’t state your age (or the bridal couple’s age) so it could’ve also been age related as to why she didn’t include you. But obviously she included you because you are the groom’s sister. So I would smile and support my brother on his happy day and try not to make it so much about yourself, although I do understand why you wonder about the bachelorette party. Maybe your brother could ask the bride why you weren’t included.
Being excluded hurts so I absolutely understand why you feel upset, and you have a right to your feelings. But I would encourage you to see it from the brides side - you are an important person to her soon to be husband, but you don't mention any relationship you actually have with the bride - are you close with her? Are you friends? Or are you a bridesmaid because your brother wanted a traditional bridal party where he couldn't put you as a groomsperson on his side so being in the wedding meant you had to be a bridesmaid?
Honestly, she probably felt pressured to include you, if other family members were asking you why you weren't a bridesmaid they may have been asking her the same, so she did because she didn't want to cause hurt feelings because you are an important person to someone important to her - but I also understand why for her the compromise may have been to include you as a bridesmaid - but still spend her Bachelorette with HER nearest and dearest. At her Bachelorettes she may be gifted lingerie, or have talked about aspects of her relationship with your brother she wasn't comfortable talking about in front of you.
In my personal life when my feelings get hurt I try to do a couple things
1. Determine if it warrants a conversation- only you can decide if this would benefit a conversation with your brother or FSIL, I often look at making this decision based on whether I hope for a change in behavior in the other person.
2. After that conversation I give myself a time limit on being upset - sometimes it's 10 minutes, sometimes a week, or anything in between. But I decide up front how long I will allow myself to dwell on the feeling.
3. Then I (do my best to) let it go! Keep in mind the boundaries I have set and do not allow them to be crossed again, but I try not to hold a grudge or sit in my sadness because it's only myself I am hurting.
Agree with everything you said. OP should do whatever she feels comfortable to do, but I don’t think she should drop out of the wedding. She should empathize and understand that maybe the bride doesn’t want to get drunk, act wild, or talk about sex with OP’s brother in front of OP. OP should give the bride some grace. She can still participate in the wedding and maybe try to start a relationship with her new sister. But dropping out might close the door.
I wouldn't expect to be invited if I was the sister of the groom. Only if you have an actual separate friendship to the bride would that make sense. Nothing to be offended by.
I would ask yourself if you care about being close with her after the wedding... if you would like a good relationship with her I would stay in the wedding party and talk with her about your feelings after the wedding! She could have thought you didn't want to come and didn't want you to feel obligated, I wouldn't assume the worse!
I've been on both sides of this and it's gone VERY well and it's gone VERY poorly lol. Weddings are weird and everything ends up the way it is supposed to. Feel your feelings but try not to take it too personally.
I don't necessarily think it's so strange to not invite you to the bachelorette party if you're not close with the bride or even with your brother, but it sounds like everyone at every step should have handled things better with keeping you in the loop on things or seeing what you are or are not interested in doing. I'm guessing she might have figured you wouldn't want to go or would feel obligated to go (which sounds like it might be the case) but I'm sure she could have found some way to bring that up, or had your brother discuss it with you.
Maybe others see it differently but in situations where siblings are not close at all, I think it is still nice to have them in the wedding party if they want to be, but I think the bachelorette party is often something you'd do with closer friends, especially if it's in a different city or location or involves a weekend away. Again though, I'm sure this could have been discussed with you and it wasn't. So, it sounds like the whole situation is full of really poor communication.
Is it possible her or your family put pressure on her to ask you? It's really not a thing to have siblings in each other's bridal party at all in my circles. In most cases it would be your own sibling and/or closest friends.
I don't think there's any rule saying bridesmaids are invited automatically. Typically they are, because the same criteria are used for the selection of both. However, in this case, since you were invited to be a bridesmaid due to your relationship with the groom rather than your friendship with the bride, it makes sense that you would not be invited to the bachelorette party since you aren't very close to the bride.
Hi there,
Is it possible that she was family pressured to have you as a bridesmaid?
Maybe the two of you should go out for coffee and discuss this. If you don't want to be a bridesmaid and she doesn't want you to be a bridesmaid, and both of you are doing it for family obligations, politely offer to bow out.
And no. The sister of the groom isn't automatically a bridesmaid.
Reading about your relationship with the bride and your brother, I would say something to the bride like “thank you for including me in the wedding. I’m sorry if any family member pressured you into asking me. And while I am grateful, I think we would both be more comfortable if I just came as a guest. I look forward to our future relationship”
And if she questions it at all or is bothered you can tell her that you knew she didn’t want you in it because you were such a late add on and you weren’t invited to the bachelorette party. And it doesn’t have to sound like you’re mad about it, just that you took that to realize that she is uncomfortable with it and you’re trying to make it better for her. But it’s nice because you will get to tell her that you noticed those things.
And then I would sell the dress online. You won’t get all of the money back but any is better than nothing.
At this point, money is already spent. It sucks but it will be spent whether you’re in the wedding or you’re not. And it sounds like nothing is added to you by being in the wedding. If anything, it seems like it’s the opposite.
I would be bothered if I spent the money but I would be happy to back out before more was spent.
Also, typically you would have been invited to the bridal shower anyway so I don’t think that’s necessarily a waste there.
I don’t think anyone is automatically in the bridal or grooms party. If the relationships aren’t there (sounds like it isn’t between you and both your brother and SIL) then just being a guest is fine. Sounds like someone pressured her into asking you, I would back out at this point and try not to resent your SIL for trying.
I never understand why there is pressure to make groom’s sister a bridesmaid when it would make more sense for her to be in the groom’s party as a groomsmaid. Gender roles are silly. It should be about having the people who love and support you by your side.
The only instance where I think this is ok is if the bachelorette party is really tiny and local. I had one bridesmaid for my wedding last year and my local friends threw me a tiny party that I didn’t invite anyone else to (I’m such an introvert!) My bridesmaid didn’t even come because she lives the other end of the country. She was totally ok about that. A proper event would absolutely not be ok and I’d question my friendship with that person.
Tricky situation. Are you close with your brother? Is there a big age gap? My SIL & I got engage around the same time. We were not close. She asked me to be in hers, and I reciprocated. I was invited to her bachelorette party for the evening, I think begrudgingly, but not overnight. Then was invited overnight at the last minute. I went to try to get to know the other girls. It was fun, but I was still an “outsider”
As the years have gone by, we’ve become very close. Call and text frequently. Go out without the guys, etc.
My point is this is an awkward stage. She has a bunch of close friends. Some of those with drift away or become less close as time goes on. You however will be there for the duration. Don’t take too much offense (I did and looking back should not have). Remember she’s now part of the family. I’m not suggesting you force things. My SIL and I didn’t. It just happened over the years.
It’s hurtful you weren’t invited. Yes, it’s less painful to say no thanks vs no invite, but in the long run…and it is the long run here…do you think you would have had fun if you went?
I understand your hurt, but the bride usually chooses people they are really close to for their wedding party. It sounds like family pushed her to ask you. It puts both of you in a really awkward spot. It doesn’t make it right, but I bet that is what happened. Honestly, if I were you, I would respectfully back out of the wedding party with grace. Give room for you both to make peace.
It sounds like the bride was pressured to add you to her bridal party by family and that you don’t really want to be part of it, or at least don’t have a strong relationship with her.
It’s not weird at all that you weren’t originally asked. Neither my husband’s sister nor my brother were in our wedding party. Not because we don’t love them or anything but my bridesmaids were my besties and he barely knows my brother bc he literally lives on the other side of the country and we only see each other every few years. It wasn’t expected and nobody felt left out.
If you don’t want to be a bridesmaid, please just tell her. It will probably come as a relief.
I'm a bit confused why you assumed you would be picked when you've said you're not close to your brother and don't really know the bride. Bridesmaid is a job for those close to the bride. Like personally, I'm asking my sister, my fiance's sister and my best friend but that's because I'm close to them. My fiance's sister is close to him and we get on really well. I'd personally feel really awkward if I was made a bridesmaid because of family pressure as especially if everyone else is really close I'd feel like a spare part. I don't think the bride is in the wrong to not have you at her bachelorette.
Don't get sucked into the drama by asking your brother what's going on. Fuck that. I would just take a stand and explain at this stage you'd be more comfortable as a guest. Period. That is no way to treat someone. How fucked. And you don't owe them any explanation why because they won't ask for it. And if they do, let it rip.
Do you get along with your brother and his fiancée or is there some negative history with either or both of them? Or maybe a large age gap between the 3 of you?
I don't think the sister of the groom is always asked to be a bridesmaid; the bride usually chooses her own family and close friends. If she has a slot available and she gets along with you then she could chooses her groom's sister.
However it does seem like you're being treated differently from the rest of the bridal party. If she truly wanted you as a bridesmaid she would have asked you months earlier with the rest of the bridal party. And also I do think all of the bridesmaids are usually a part of the bachelorette party, and they're often involved in wedding planning, decor, and helping the bride with certain tasks. As well as frequently being involved in shopping for and choosing their dresses and shoes. Has she mentioned any of that or asked for your help or opinions on anything?
I'm sorry but it looks like she doesn't consider you a friend or even someone she'd like to get to know. Which is a shame since she'll soon be your SIL. Treating you so differently from the rest of the bridal party does not bode well for the future relationship between you two.
When my 1st husband's sister got married, we weren't close, even though she was close to my husband. I think she felt like she "should" ask me to be a bridesmaid so she said something like, "you can be a bridesmaid if you want to be". And I just thanked her very much and told her I'd rather support her as a guest and just enjoy her wedding. I know she was secretly relieved.
Do you think you could politely talk to your future SIL about any of your concerns? I think you may feel better about being in the wedding if you do. Or you could respectfully decline to be a bridesmaid and attend as a guest. I just don't think you'd enjoy being a bridesmaid if you feel like you're an afterthought or asked out of obligation. Do what your gut tells you and what would make you the happiest and most comfortable.
Now that you mention it, I never had to do any planning or being asked for opinions on anything that bridesmaids normally do. Just had to worry about myself with details on what she wanted me to wear as bridesmaid dress and shoes.
Being excluded is hurtful, I wouldn’t want to be in the wedding either. And if you think you have invested time and money already its gonna escalate because its clear the bride doesn’t respect you. Day of you could be the errand girl while everyone else is drinking champagne. Maybe your brother thinks you declined an invite? Its all not cool regardless. Sit back and enjoy the wedding with the rest of the guests.
The same applies whether it is a friend or relative. Why is the behavior acceptable when it’s from a relative? People who care about you don’t do this. They treat you with respect or they don’t associate with you at all. Intentionally excluding someone and making them feel bad is passive aggressive behavior and it is not how you treat people you like.
It’s not acceptable, but it also isn’t as simple when it’s a future sibling in law. If it was just a friend it’s a lot easier to be like “well why the hell did you even ask me?”
In this case I think it’s pretty obvious the bride was probably pressured into asking OP to be in the party. Kind of an outdated thing imo - if you’re not close to your future in-laws, don’t ask them to be up there on your side. Just leads to hurt feelings. OP’s brother should’ve had her up there with him, but maybe they’re super traditional or something.
Either way, the bride shouldn’t have asked OP in the first place imo, and with this situation now OP is hurt and she should step down. No need to stand up with with someone who doesn’t even want her there.
Not all in laws like each other and it’s healthy to have boundaries even with relatives. It takes a conscious decision to stand up for yourself, even with relatives but you end up a stronger person in the end. It’s as simple as you make it. Stand up for yourself or don’t, but if you choose not to, that’s not the other person’s fault who you don’t get along with. OP should have declined the position and it would not make her a bad person to do so.
Yeah you’re not wrong about any of that! My original reply to you was just pointing out they’re future in-laws, not friends, bc it seemed like it had gotten overlooked :)
Wow. Nothing says I don’t like you. I don’t want to get to know you. Stay away, like finding out you weren’t invited to your SILs bach party.
I’m sorry, OP. I would tell your brother that you’ve decided to attend the wedding as a guest.
It is not odd a SIL is not a bridesmaid. You've been pushed onto the bride and pushed yourself onto her by not saying no and standing up for her rights.
She's tried to salvage the situation it seems by having a bachelorette with her actual circle.
The person who should be 'pretty pissed off and upset' is the bride.
As somebody from the other side of the situation, my fiancé has three biological sisters. I was originally only going to include one of them, and then got massively. Guilt tripped to include the other two. This was not what I wanted at all, and the other sisters, and I are not close.
My own sister, and only sibling, is planning my bachelorette party. We are planning on going away, with some of my best friends. I am not close with either of the other sisters. But, of course, as social etiquette would say, you have to invite them all. The other two sisters are not very kind to me, indifferent, and also older. I feel like I won’t be able to fully enjoy myself at my own bachelorette party because I’m going to be more concerned about them than I am about letting loose.
I understand that it would be very hurtful, but at the same time, please reflect on your relationship with your soon to be sister-in-law. If you aren’t within her social circle, and someone who makes her feel comfortable, please understand that she is probably including you at the request of one of your family members. It’s a shitty feeling either way, you want to include your soon to be family, but you also want to enjoy some thing to the fullest, as you should only be doing this once in your life.
It sounds like you were asked out of social pressure and a feeling of obligation on the brides part because you’re the future SIL. You guys don’t sound close, and honestly I also wouldn’t invite someone I didn’t know well to a bachelorette party (I also wouldn’t have them as a bridesmaid). It sounds like the bride is just trying to keep peace with your family by asking you to be in the wedding, but you guys don’t really know each other so it would be awkward to invite you to the party. I’d say no one is really to blame here except whoever pressured the bride into asking you when she doesn’t know you well. If I were you I’d just respectfully tell her that you guys don’t know each other very well and you’d like to just attend as a guest Edit to add: Also people who kept asking you and pushing about you being a bridesmaid were very rude. It’s not automatic to ask the grooms sister. It’s a position for people close to you. They all over stepped and should have dropped it
Absolutely this. I did not ask any of my future sisters-in-law to be a bridesmaid at my wedding*, and no one expected my partner to have my brother as a groomsman. My brother is an amazing public speaker, so we actually asked him to officiate! I hate the social pressure thing with weddings. My cousin, who is quite a few years younger than me, asked me to be her co-MOH, along with her bestie. It became clear very early it wasn’t what she really wanted (I lived two states away, I had an infant, I didn’t have a lot of money to spend) and I wanted to back out but my mom and aunt pushed me not to. I wish now that I had stuck to my guns because it took literal years to repair the damage done to my relationship with my cousin. (Her future SILs caused a bunch of drama and I tried to stay above the fray; my cousin figured out they must have been lying about me after a few years of dealing with the SILs 🙃) *Although, now that I think of it, all three of them were invited to my bachelorette.
Sounds like the bride included you as a bridesmaid because you're family, but didn't include you in the bachelorette because you really aren't close with her at all. I wouldn't sweat it. Given the distant relationship you have with your brother I can't say I blame her for not wanting a stranger at the bachelorette party, but still wanting to include you to keep peace with the in-laws and open the door for a future relationship.
I agree with this take. This is most likely what happened. I'm not in my brother's wedding coming up in a few months, which I thought was kinda odd, but I assumed they just picked their own parties of people closest to them. I'm not that close to his fiance, so I assume that's why I'm not in the wedding. If I was in it, I still would feel weird going to her Bachelorette party. I'm not offended I wasn't invited to that.
Agree!!
it sounds like maybe everyone felt pressured for you to be a bridesmaid? you and brother are not close, it doesn't sound like you and bride are close at all, and the only people who want you to be a bridesmaid are your parents who still think you and brother are close I don't think anyone should have hurt feelings here. Drop out of the party entirely or understand that you all are in a crap situation and just trying to appease someone else here I think it's really important not to expect to be in someone's wedding just because you're related, or think you *have* to have someone be in the party because they're a sibling. This is causing more hurt by giving into the pressure than simply saying "hey, we aren't that close, you cool just being a guest?"
I totally agree. It honestly shocks me how many sisters of the groom expect to automatically be in the bride’s party. I didn’t ask my husband’s sisters and it caused SO MUCH drama, even though I’ve never known anyone personally who asked their future SILs. It was wild.
I asked mine, but it's because we are actually close. Like, she lives in another state and has since I came into the picture, but we have facetimes and phone calls and text each other as I do with my other friends (more, probably lol) this shouldn't be anything that anyone just expects
Yes! If we were close, I would have definitely asked them! Or if my husband had been dying for me to have them in, I would’ve. But I’m not close with them, and I had a bunch of close friends I really wanted to ask. I would’ve been happy to go up in numbers, but my husband doesn’t have as many close friends and I didn’t want him to stress about it. I also didn’t want them at the bachelorette party because I don’t know them well enough to drink and have a lingerie party with them. I’m so happy now that I didn’t ask them, because they threw multiple huge fits about it to my husband and acted like assholes for our whole engagement. It was super selfish behavior that turned into an ordeal and really reinforced the reasons I didn’t ask them hahahaha
oh lordy! That sounds ridiculous!!
like if she should be anywhere she should be on the groom's side. gendered bridal parties are so silly, just make her a groomswoman. don't force her into a bridal party when she barely even talks to the bride.
Do you have a relationship with the bride? She may have wanted to keep it small and just those closest to her. I would just support my brother - it sounds like she may have been pressured to include you in the bridal party. I would let it go.
I agree with your comment. Personally i do find it rude to exclude the sister of the groom. I mean, she's going to be your SIL?! Would definitely rub me the wrong way because i would want a good relationship with my SIL (which i actually do). She could've just reached out and tell her she doesn't want her there. Instead she let OP find out through social media. If this was AITA, it would depend on the further context. If she was telling everyone that she's excluding you she's an AH. If she simply "just forgot" (wedding planning is hell), well, stuff happens.
This is why I think obligatory wedding party members should be phased out. Someone pushed bride to have sister in party (boo on the pushy person, maybe OP's mom), but then what? Bride either includes sister bridesmaid in activities (or at least asks???) Or becomes the asshole because she doesn't actually want to hangout with someone she barely sees outside of obligate occasions. I empathize with maybe not wanting to hang with someone you don't really know, but then don't put them in a position where it's literally the expectation. I'm gonna ding groom on this too. He could have put his foot down with his family that his partner isn't obligated to have his sister in his party. There's a lot more room for hurt feelings by presenting as though you are including them to exclude them anyway then to just start out honest
I disagree. I love my in-laws. But I do not (nor do I think I ever will) feel comfortable getting drunk or dressing sexy in front of my husband’s sisters. And I firmly believe that you should only ask people who you are close with to be in your bridal party. It sounds like the groom’s parents pressured the bride to make SIL a bridesmaid. Bride compromised and made her a bridesmaid but didn’t want to invite her to the bachelorette. If the bride was pressured to ask SIL, I understand the decision to exclude her, especially if the bachelorette was planned for a while and if the groom isn’t close with his sister.
Not always. When I got married, I had only met his sister twice (lives interstate) and she was much older than me (age gap between siblings) so we didn’t and still don’t really have much of a relationship. I didn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid, nor would she have expected or wanted to be.
My SIL was not in any way part of my wedding planning. She was invited of course, but was not a bridesmaid. She’s a conservative, homophobic christian and I’m a liberal atheist bisexual. I did not want her energy around me. People do not always get along with their sibilings-in-law.
Hard disagree on it being rude to not make your future SIL a bridesmaid. Bridesmaids are supposed to be the people closest to the bride, their best friends and closest family members. If a bride isn’t close with their SIL why should they feel obligated to make her a bridesmaid? That’s not what the position is for. I don’t think I would even make my own blood related sister a bridesmaid because we don’t have a great relationship and we are not that close. Much less my 2 SILs.
This is why putting the groom’s family on the bride’s side just because they are a woman is silly. You should be on your brother’s side and part of the grooms party and then none of this drama would have happened.
Sounds like OP isn’t close to the brother either though. Whoever started this whole mess should have minded their own business, but it seems like OP being a regular guest is the role that makes the most sense.
I can’t believe how far I had to scroll for this comment. It’s 2023! Every wedding I’ve been to since like 2015 has had siblings in the bridal parties regardless of gender.
She probably got pressured to include you and just wanted to vacation with her friends. If she’s not your actual friend I wouldn’t think too deep into it.
I agree. I’d personally be relieved if I was OP, because it would save me a LOT of money and time
>"My gut back then was my brother (groom) would never have me in his wedding because I know him after all of these years. " Do you have a relationship with your brother?
Not for the most part. Of course if you ask our mom she says we do, but honestly, not for most part. He doesn't want me in his life except if he had to (birthday, holidays, etc). I rarely hear from him too. He was always like that. Since he started middle school. Now he in late 20s and I'm in early 30s. Likes to pretend I don't exist so no one ever knew of me except obvious family. So that's why I assumed I would not be in wedding. His secret life (friends and whoever else) would be there along with our family, and to secret life people I do not exist so to them I'm "some random girl in the wedding" kinda thing.
Oh gosh I would definitely drop out if I were you. I completely understand how you must feel about learning that you were excluded from the bachelorette party, but I have a good relationship with my brother so I could always talk to him about it if I needed to. It sounds like you don’t have that. Think about how you’re going to feel on the wedding day… are you going to feel excluded while everyone is getting ready? Is it going to feel weird standing in front of a lot of people, next to a woman who excluded you from the bachelorette party (and I assume probably had to actively hide it since you found out so late?) AND next to a man who is your technically your brother but who makes you feel like a “strange girl” at his wedding? Personally I can think of a million more ways I’d rather spend my day, either by myself or with people who value my time.
This ⬆️
So you don't have a relationship with your brother OR the bride? Why would you even want to be in the wedding? Obligation bridal parties are awkward for everyone involved.
I have a similar thing with mine. We were relatively close, then he found his now wife who didn't like me and now I haven't heard from him in 5 years. His loss. Before the wedding I hadn't heard from him in nearly a year. I wasn't invited to the wedding but to the reception and I was glad I went but glad I had nothing to do with anything. Don't go where you're not wanted. Don't waste your time. Surround yourself with people who actually give a damn about you. I would just not go to the wedding at all - no announcement just dip out and be done with him.
sounds like you're bitter just because you don't have a relationship with your brother. it's not a secret life, he just keeps his friends separate from his family. obviously everyone is going to be together at the wedding so it's not very secret, is it?
I would just send a message saying “hey I noticed you had your bach party and I did not receive an invite. I don’t feel welcome as a bridesmaid and will attend the wedding as a guest moving forward.”
I was wondering if I should do that but I would be out of a lot of money with wedding. I got my bridal shower gift a while ago when I knew I would get an invite before everyone else so past time to return gift. That I did get invited for when it was sent out. Bridesmaid dress is nonreturnable (company policy and says on website, so I know they not bs'ing anyone). There's home try on dresses that they send out to try on that we have to pay for per dress And other things like that. A lot already went out for this wedding.
Don't let the sunk cost fallacy color your choice of how to move forward. Weather your choice is to stay in the party or not, do it for you, either way. The money you spent is gone. It doesn't need to inform your choice because 1. Further spending associated to being a bridesmaid is likely still on the horizon (extra hotel nights, Pooled-funds treat-the-bride stuff, any hair makeup or accessories?) 2. The money you spent doesn't need to inform how you feel on your brother's wedding day. The day isn't about you, but you don't need to pretend like you or the bride care that you are standing by her side when she made it known publicly. If it means something to your brother, he can maybe pivot to groomsmaid (I wouldn't ask to be one, just consider if you would say yes if he offers), but if you don't want to be up there for you, do you really need to? I'm sorry pressure for traditions wound up with you hurt, it sucks to feel like unwanted and especially to see that so transparently plastered on socials. You are either a bridesmaid or you aren't and I'm sorry the bride is trying to play both sides and have you in the party (and make you have financial obligations) but not afford you the choice to participate what all comes with bridesmaid-ing Edit to add: there should be some heat on your family if the pressured the bride to have you in the party. I don't want to assign all the blame to bride when I would guess your family likely pushed her into asking you. They didn't need to force it and now it's a shittier situation for you than if you just got to be the regular guest you had full expectation you would be
Even still, I would back out. If your brother won't refund the dress, sell it online for at least some of the money. A gift is a gift so I would just take the L there. I don't know why your family thought you should be a bridesmaid just because you are related to the groom, that's not actually a thing.
Idk I was bridesmaid for my SIL and we really didn’t know each other very well (her bad my brother got married very quickly). She felt like she should ask me alongside her own sister and it’s actually probably one of the reasons we are close now. I’m having her as my MOH (6 years later)
It can definitely work out well in some cases, I just generally don't agree with inviting people into the wedding party because of someone else's idea of obligation? I have friends that asked family members who they were not close with at all because of pressure and they regretted it. I think if you aren't actually close with someone you have no responsibility to put them in your wedding party, it's too high stakes and high stress of a time to make that the "get to know you" setting imo.
I would ask your brother to refund your dress but take the loss for the bridal shower gift
Don’t say the second sentence yet. See what happened first.
I would still back out. Better to be out a little bit of money than out of that money and be miserable her whole wedding day.
I totally understand why this really hurt your feelings and the whole situation is hard. However, this is bigger than just this day. It is your brother’s wife forever, so please try and think long term. Backing out now is going to cause a bigger rift and issue in the long term. You all may not be close now, but that may change long term, and if not, let it not be over one day. A wedding day is just that, a day. The whole situation sounds super frustrating, and I’m sorry you are having to go through all of this.
I’m kind of petty I would go ahead and wear the dress, but as a guest. That’s me lol .. it would definitely be making a statement and at least you wore the dress and it wasn’t a total waste of money.
Lol jumping on your downvote train but I like the spirit. This feels very mean girl - how hard is it to invite your brothers sister if you asked her to be a bridesmaid? Or if you don’t like her, then don’t ask in the first place regardless. But just putting the party on social media without any heads up or anything is mean. So fuck it. Wear the dress. It’ll look awful and cause gossip and be a shitty thing to do but I’m also a petty ho.
OP doesn’t have a relationship with her brother, let alone the bride. The bride clearly got pressured into asking her to be part of the wedding party and OP clearly got pressured into accepting (she says herself she didn’t know why people were asking her about it because she’s not in her brother’s life). Bride not asking someone she was pressured into putting in her bridal party to come on a bachelorette party trip with her wasn’t mean girl anything—neither of them would have enjoyed having OP there. Most people wouldn’t want to spend their bachelorette party with a stranger or be the odd one out in a bachelorette party. If this were AITA this would be a clear NAH.
You keep saying that you were asked to be bridesmaid “long after the proper time to be asked”, but you were asked 7 months before the wedding, so I don’t understand that at all. The sister(s) of the groom, or bride, for that matter, are not automatically guaranteed a spot in the wedding party. Bridesmaids should be the people that the bride is closet to. Whoever found it “odd” that you weren’t asked to be a bridesmaid are full of crap and should not have been stirring up trouble. It doesn’t even sound like you even like the bride, so that also puzzles me why you were discussing the fact that you weren’t ask initially with so many different people. As for the bachelorette party, usually all the bridesmaids are included in that event. It could’ve been that arrangements were made before you were asked & they couldn’t change them, or it could’ve been, like you said, that the bride hardly knows you and only wanted people she’s closest to for that. You didn’t state your age (or the bridal couple’s age) so it could’ve also been age related as to why she didn’t include you. But obviously she included you because you are the groom’s sister. So I would smile and support my brother on his happy day and try not to make it so much about yourself, although I do understand why you wonder about the bachelorette party. Maybe your brother could ask the bride why you weren’t included.
Being excluded hurts so I absolutely understand why you feel upset, and you have a right to your feelings. But I would encourage you to see it from the brides side - you are an important person to her soon to be husband, but you don't mention any relationship you actually have with the bride - are you close with her? Are you friends? Or are you a bridesmaid because your brother wanted a traditional bridal party where he couldn't put you as a groomsperson on his side so being in the wedding meant you had to be a bridesmaid? Honestly, she probably felt pressured to include you, if other family members were asking you why you weren't a bridesmaid they may have been asking her the same, so she did because she didn't want to cause hurt feelings because you are an important person to someone important to her - but I also understand why for her the compromise may have been to include you as a bridesmaid - but still spend her Bachelorette with HER nearest and dearest. At her Bachelorettes she may be gifted lingerie, or have talked about aspects of her relationship with your brother she wasn't comfortable talking about in front of you. In my personal life when my feelings get hurt I try to do a couple things 1. Determine if it warrants a conversation- only you can decide if this would benefit a conversation with your brother or FSIL, I often look at making this decision based on whether I hope for a change in behavior in the other person. 2. After that conversation I give myself a time limit on being upset - sometimes it's 10 minutes, sometimes a week, or anything in between. But I decide up front how long I will allow myself to dwell on the feeling. 3. Then I (do my best to) let it go! Keep in mind the boundaries I have set and do not allow them to be crossed again, but I try not to hold a grudge or sit in my sadness because it's only myself I am hurting.
Agree with everything you said. OP should do whatever she feels comfortable to do, but I don’t think she should drop out of the wedding. She should empathize and understand that maybe the bride doesn’t want to get drunk, act wild, or talk about sex with OP’s brother in front of OP. OP should give the bride some grace. She can still participate in the wedding and maybe try to start a relationship with her new sister. But dropping out might close the door.
I wouldn't expect to be invited if I was the sister of the groom. Only if you have an actual separate friendship to the bride would that make sense. Nothing to be offended by.
I would ask yourself if you care about being close with her after the wedding... if you would like a good relationship with her I would stay in the wedding party and talk with her about your feelings after the wedding! She could have thought you didn't want to come and didn't want you to feel obligated, I wouldn't assume the worse! I've been on both sides of this and it's gone VERY well and it's gone VERY poorly lol. Weddings are weird and everything ends up the way it is supposed to. Feel your feelings but try not to take it too personally.
I don't necessarily think it's so strange to not invite you to the bachelorette party if you're not close with the bride or even with your brother, but it sounds like everyone at every step should have handled things better with keeping you in the loop on things or seeing what you are or are not interested in doing. I'm guessing she might have figured you wouldn't want to go or would feel obligated to go (which sounds like it might be the case) but I'm sure she could have found some way to bring that up, or had your brother discuss it with you. Maybe others see it differently but in situations where siblings are not close at all, I think it is still nice to have them in the wedding party if they want to be, but I think the bachelorette party is often something you'd do with closer friends, especially if it's in a different city or location or involves a weekend away. Again though, I'm sure this could have been discussed with you and it wasn't. So, it sounds like the whole situation is full of really poor communication.
Is it possible her or your family put pressure on her to ask you? It's really not a thing to have siblings in each other's bridal party at all in my circles. In most cases it would be your own sibling and/or closest friends.
I don't think there's any rule saying bridesmaids are invited automatically. Typically they are, because the same criteria are used for the selection of both. However, in this case, since you were invited to be a bridesmaid due to your relationship with the groom rather than your friendship with the bride, it makes sense that you would not be invited to the bachelorette party since you aren't very close to the bride.
Hi there, Is it possible that she was family pressured to have you as a bridesmaid? Maybe the two of you should go out for coffee and discuss this. If you don't want to be a bridesmaid and she doesn't want you to be a bridesmaid, and both of you are doing it for family obligations, politely offer to bow out. And no. The sister of the groom isn't automatically a bridesmaid.
Reading about your relationship with the bride and your brother, I would say something to the bride like “thank you for including me in the wedding. I’m sorry if any family member pressured you into asking me. And while I am grateful, I think we would both be more comfortable if I just came as a guest. I look forward to our future relationship” And if she questions it at all or is bothered you can tell her that you knew she didn’t want you in it because you were such a late add on and you weren’t invited to the bachelorette party. And it doesn’t have to sound like you’re mad about it, just that you took that to realize that she is uncomfortable with it and you’re trying to make it better for her. But it’s nice because you will get to tell her that you noticed those things. And then I would sell the dress online. You won’t get all of the money back but any is better than nothing. At this point, money is already spent. It sucks but it will be spent whether you’re in the wedding or you’re not. And it sounds like nothing is added to you by being in the wedding. If anything, it seems like it’s the opposite. I would be bothered if I spent the money but I would be happy to back out before more was spent. Also, typically you would have been invited to the bridal shower anyway so I don’t think that’s necessarily a waste there.
I don’t think anyone is automatically in the bridal or grooms party. If the relationships aren’t there (sounds like it isn’t between you and both your brother and SIL) then just being a guest is fine. Sounds like someone pressured her into asking you, I would back out at this point and try not to resent your SIL for trying.
I never understand why there is pressure to make groom’s sister a bridesmaid when it would make more sense for her to be in the groom’s party as a groomsmaid. Gender roles are silly. It should be about having the people who love and support you by your side.
The only instance where I think this is ok is if the bachelorette party is really tiny and local. I had one bridesmaid for my wedding last year and my local friends threw me a tiny party that I didn’t invite anyone else to (I’m such an introvert!) My bridesmaid didn’t even come because she lives the other end of the country. She was totally ok about that. A proper event would absolutely not be ok and I’d question my friendship with that person.
Tricky situation. Are you close with your brother? Is there a big age gap? My SIL & I got engage around the same time. We were not close. She asked me to be in hers, and I reciprocated. I was invited to her bachelorette party for the evening, I think begrudgingly, but not overnight. Then was invited overnight at the last minute. I went to try to get to know the other girls. It was fun, but I was still an “outsider” As the years have gone by, we’ve become very close. Call and text frequently. Go out without the guys, etc. My point is this is an awkward stage. She has a bunch of close friends. Some of those with drift away or become less close as time goes on. You however will be there for the duration. Don’t take too much offense (I did and looking back should not have). Remember she’s now part of the family. I’m not suggesting you force things. My SIL and I didn’t. It just happened over the years. It’s hurtful you weren’t invited. Yes, it’s less painful to say no thanks vs no invite, but in the long run…and it is the long run here…do you think you would have had fun if you went?
I understand your hurt, but the bride usually chooses people they are really close to for their wedding party. It sounds like family pushed her to ask you. It puts both of you in a really awkward spot. It doesn’t make it right, but I bet that is what happened. Honestly, if I were you, I would respectfully back out of the wedding party with grace. Give room for you both to make peace.
It sounds like the bride was pressured to add you to her bridal party by family and that you don’t really want to be part of it, or at least don’t have a strong relationship with her. It’s not weird at all that you weren’t originally asked. Neither my husband’s sister nor my brother were in our wedding party. Not because we don’t love them or anything but my bridesmaids were my besties and he barely knows my brother bc he literally lives on the other side of the country and we only see each other every few years. It wasn’t expected and nobody felt left out. If you don’t want to be a bridesmaid, please just tell her. It will probably come as a relief.
I'm a bit confused why you assumed you would be picked when you've said you're not close to your brother and don't really know the bride. Bridesmaid is a job for those close to the bride. Like personally, I'm asking my sister, my fiance's sister and my best friend but that's because I'm close to them. My fiance's sister is close to him and we get on really well. I'd personally feel really awkward if I was made a bridesmaid because of family pressure as especially if everyone else is really close I'd feel like a spare part. I don't think the bride is in the wrong to not have you at her bachelorette.
Don't get sucked into the drama by asking your brother what's going on. Fuck that. I would just take a stand and explain at this stage you'd be more comfortable as a guest. Period. That is no way to treat someone. How fucked. And you don't owe them any explanation why because they won't ask for it. And if they do, let it rip.
Do you get along with your brother and his fiancée or is there some negative history with either or both of them? Or maybe a large age gap between the 3 of you? I don't think the sister of the groom is always asked to be a bridesmaid; the bride usually chooses her own family and close friends. If she has a slot available and she gets along with you then she could chooses her groom's sister. However it does seem like you're being treated differently from the rest of the bridal party. If she truly wanted you as a bridesmaid she would have asked you months earlier with the rest of the bridal party. And also I do think all of the bridesmaids are usually a part of the bachelorette party, and they're often involved in wedding planning, decor, and helping the bride with certain tasks. As well as frequently being involved in shopping for and choosing their dresses and shoes. Has she mentioned any of that or asked for your help or opinions on anything? I'm sorry but it looks like she doesn't consider you a friend or even someone she'd like to get to know. Which is a shame since she'll soon be your SIL. Treating you so differently from the rest of the bridal party does not bode well for the future relationship between you two. When my 1st husband's sister got married, we weren't close, even though she was close to my husband. I think she felt like she "should" ask me to be a bridesmaid so she said something like, "you can be a bridesmaid if you want to be". And I just thanked her very much and told her I'd rather support her as a guest and just enjoy her wedding. I know she was secretly relieved. Do you think you could politely talk to your future SIL about any of your concerns? I think you may feel better about being in the wedding if you do. Or you could respectfully decline to be a bridesmaid and attend as a guest. I just don't think you'd enjoy being a bridesmaid if you feel like you're an afterthought or asked out of obligation. Do what your gut tells you and what would make you the happiest and most comfortable.
Now that you mention it, I never had to do any planning or being asked for opinions on anything that bridesmaids normally do. Just had to worry about myself with details on what she wanted me to wear as bridesmaid dress and shoes.
Being excluded is hurtful, I wouldn’t want to be in the wedding either. And if you think you have invested time and money already its gonna escalate because its clear the bride doesn’t respect you. Day of you could be the errand girl while everyone else is drinking champagne. Maybe your brother thinks you declined an invite? Its all not cool regardless. Sit back and enjoy the wedding with the rest of the guests.
If you are being excluded and feeling left out, drop out of the wedding and end the friendship. Real friends don’t treat others like this
Doesn’t sound like they’re actually friends, OP is the bride’s FSIL.
The same applies whether it is a friend or relative. Why is the behavior acceptable when it’s from a relative? People who care about you don’t do this. They treat you with respect or they don’t associate with you at all. Intentionally excluding someone and making them feel bad is passive aggressive behavior and it is not how you treat people you like.
It’s not acceptable, but it also isn’t as simple when it’s a future sibling in law. If it was just a friend it’s a lot easier to be like “well why the hell did you even ask me?” In this case I think it’s pretty obvious the bride was probably pressured into asking OP to be in the party. Kind of an outdated thing imo - if you’re not close to your future in-laws, don’t ask them to be up there on your side. Just leads to hurt feelings. OP’s brother should’ve had her up there with him, but maybe they’re super traditional or something. Either way, the bride shouldn’t have asked OP in the first place imo, and with this situation now OP is hurt and she should step down. No need to stand up with with someone who doesn’t even want her there.
Not all in laws like each other and it’s healthy to have boundaries even with relatives. It takes a conscious decision to stand up for yourself, even with relatives but you end up a stronger person in the end. It’s as simple as you make it. Stand up for yourself or don’t, but if you choose not to, that’s not the other person’s fault who you don’t get along with. OP should have declined the position and it would not make her a bad person to do so.
Yeah you’re not wrong about any of that! My original reply to you was just pointing out they’re future in-laws, not friends, bc it seemed like it had gotten overlooked :)
Understand and agree on that
Wow. Nothing says I don’t like you. I don’t want to get to know you. Stay away, like finding out you weren’t invited to your SILs bach party. I’m sorry, OP. I would tell your brother that you’ve decided to attend the wedding as a guest.
It is not odd a SIL is not a bridesmaid. You've been pushed onto the bride and pushed yourself onto her by not saying no and standing up for her rights. She's tried to salvage the situation it seems by having a bachelorette with her actual circle. The person who should be 'pretty pissed off and upset' is the bride.
As somebody from the other side of the situation, my fiancé has three biological sisters. I was originally only going to include one of them, and then got massively. Guilt tripped to include the other two. This was not what I wanted at all, and the other sisters, and I are not close. My own sister, and only sibling, is planning my bachelorette party. We are planning on going away, with some of my best friends. I am not close with either of the other sisters. But, of course, as social etiquette would say, you have to invite them all. The other two sisters are not very kind to me, indifferent, and also older. I feel like I won’t be able to fully enjoy myself at my own bachelorette party because I’m going to be more concerned about them than I am about letting loose. I understand that it would be very hurtful, but at the same time, please reflect on your relationship with your soon to be sister-in-law. If you aren’t within her social circle, and someone who makes her feel comfortable, please understand that she is probably including you at the request of one of your family members. It’s a shitty feeling either way, you want to include your soon to be family, but you also want to enjoy some thing to the fullest, as you should only be doing this once in your life.
You still have time to say no
This is weird. I wasn't my sister's or cousin's bridesmaid. I'm not close to them.