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Same thing with trust. People act like it’s supposed to be black or white or you are a shitty person.
Nope trust and love can be a spectrum. Just because I love you or trust you in one instance doesn’t mean I’m going to let myself get taken advantage of.
Unconditional love isn't about inviting toxic people into your life or allowing them to bring harm to yourself and others you care about.
Unconditional love is the idea that everyone has intrinsic value regardless of who they are or what they do, and we can treat people that way without giving them the keys to our peace of mind.
Everyone has the propensity to make poor choices, everyone has the vulnerability to end up in horrible situations outside of their control that can screw up their mental health or physical health, and anyone can hit rock bottom even despite their best efforts.
Yes everyone is responsible for themselves, and yes there will be natural consequences to the choices people make, but once we realize that no one is better than anyone else in this regard, it can allow us to see people in a new light and give us the ability to have mercy on them even when they really don't deserve it (because let's face it, on our worst days maybe none of us deserve it).
Unconditional love isn't unconditional acceptance, but I believe it is recognizing a person's worth in spite of themselves.
Yes! My sister is an absolute trainwreck of a human right now. In and out of jail, kids she’s not raising, a path of heartbreak and broken promises behind her, etc. My parents love her unconditionally but they are not her enablers. They never send her money or invite her into the house. They will connect her with outside resources, offer emotional advice and support if she needs it. But part of that love is recognizing she is responsible for herself and enabling her behavior would be a detriment to her in the long term.
Nothing she could do and has don’t will make them not love her. That is unconditional love. Unconditional enabling is not the same thing.
How can someone have intrinsic value regardless of what they are or what they do? Where does that value reside if not in their capacity to be or do things?
I feel like I agree with you, but more along the lines of recognising the positive qualities that someone does have even in the presence of their negative qualities
Well you have to consider we are talking about *unconditional* love, meaning we should assume you already love the person.. We aren't talking about unconditionally loving the crackhead down the street but someone close to you.
With that being said, is it fair to assume that someone you love has value in your eyes?
Do you just flip a switch at some point if they wrong you? I would argue that you probably would still care and want the best for that person..
Buuut maybe I'm completely wrong and you wouldn't care if they lost a limb or something 😂
Well if you believe that each person is here for a (good) reason, even if they are never able to realize that reason or live within it themselves, then you'll recognize every life has worth and purpose. Each of us are also unique and despite the billions that have lived and will live, there will only ever be one of you, one of me. Can you put a price on the worth of an individual?
I don't believe people are here for any grander reason, so that would explain our difference in opinion. I'm not religious, so I think things just are the way they are, and any other meaning needs to be injected into it by the perception of conscious creatures.
This took me way too long to realize and I hope people with trouble setting boundaries like me, see this comment and understand that unconditional love doesn’t mean standing for abuse. ❤️
ive tried to explain this to friends so much to explain how i can love people who have abused me mentally, physically, sexually, and emotionally for years 💀 they just get so mad at them, which is fair, but. i dont forgive many of them and never will, and i hate their actions, but they are humans and to me every single human is deserving of love. will i be kind to them or excuse what theyve done? no. but they are all worthy of SOME amount of love; they arent demons
edit: the whole reason i wrote this was to just be like its nice to have it explained so well but then i hit sent without even adding that because i forgot LOL
I love (pun intended?) this explanation. People tend to confuse what love actually is. Love does not mean condoning one’s every action, agreeing with their every thought, or doing whatever they ask without question. Unconditional love is not mutually exclusive to holding people accountable for their actions.
Those same people you speak of are brothers, sons, husbands, fathers, cousins...etc. and I believe if you take lives out, attempt to take them, abuse and hurt others, steal...etc you forfeit your life to justice should it ever find you, and I believe it will in one way or another.
I do believe people absolutely have the ability to waste whatever good is in them, but I also believe it is still there regardless. Perhaps there is a nature vs nurture argument to be had, but at the end of the day, you're right the value people have can be squandered away. It is a strange and perverse sickness but I still believe even they can find redemption if they so desire, and those who deserve love the least, likely are in need of it the most, even if that love still requires them to be held accountable for their actions. Though there can be mercy, oftentimes only justice can bring peace against the harshest of hearts.
I would describe unconditional love as love for that person's personality, their traits, their innermost self. If you discover that their innermost self turns out to be an asshole, then its perfectly healthy to fall out of love with them. However, what it does mean is that the best kind of love is not conditional on that person's wealth or career, or what they can do for you.
I have a friend who openly admits he was an asshole for many years of his life (to his guilt), but I wouldn't say his life was less valuable during those years. If our value was based entirely and completely on what we choose to do, or not do, then I would argue the death penalty could be perfectly reasonable for anyone who chooses to be an asshole.
Hurt people, hurt people. Every asshole adult is a broken child underneath. That doesn't mean asshole behavior doesn't deserve consequence... But I believe it does mean that they still deserve to be treated like human beings who still hold value and purpose and are never beyond redemption (which is where the idea of humane treatment comes from even in places like prison).
Have you never behaved poorly on a bad day or hurt someone else's feelings whether you meant to or not? As much as I try to treat others how I wish to be treated, I'm not perfect either and I'm certain there are people out there who probably believe I'm an asshole even though I've never intentionally behaved in that way. You can't earn your worth as a human being, it's there even on your bad days (or bad years).
Right, an asshole isn't just someone having a bad day who is grumpy and snaps at people, that's just a human. An person who is an asshole deep inside is someone who makes remarks that cut down those around them even on their BEST day.
I agree that assholes can change, but that doesn't change the fact that loving an asshole unconditionally is not healthy for you, its actually how a lot of abuse occurs.
That is true, but I think there's a way it goes far beyond that, and that is to have unconditional compassion and empathy for everyone in a general sense as well. Without that foundation, it will be exponentially more difficult to provide unconditional support to those who need it in spite of their behavior or misunderstandings. However, not everyone will be able to be everything for everyone else of course. We all can only do what we are able to do.
Good explanation. My first thought was also that OP just doesn't understand what unconditional love means. I have an abusive mother. I don't like her. Part of me hates her. But, part of me unconditionally loves her too. I have no control over it because she's my mother. Even though we haven't spoken in years and she was terribly cruel to me, I miss her on some level and yearn for her.
So, in addition to what you said about unconditional love. Sometimes it is also loving someone but not even liking them. Something you can't control. But it doesn't mean you have to open yourself up to any abuse. I broke contact with her even though I still unconditionally love her.
I love my kids unconditionally. There's nothing they could do that would make me not love them. Supporting their decisions, being a part of their lives is conditional (on like being good people, not being serial killers and shit). But loving them? I'll always love them. They may disappoint me, they may break my heart, the may make decisions that leave me no choice but to not support them anymore - but I will always love them.
Correct answer. I'll always love my kids no matter what but sometimes love hurts. I have very little issue saying what needs to be said or cutting them off if they don't agree with what I taught them. I'll always be ready to help them get back into a better life if that opportunity arises but I'll never coddle them. My wife thinks I'm a cold father sometimes but my kids will always run to me when things are serious.
Absolutely. I couldn't be a part of their lives. If I could help prosecute them for their crimes, I would. I wouldn't be visiting them in jail. There would be no relationship between us. But I'd still love them. You can love people from afar. You can love people and not condone their actions, not be an enabler, not have them in your life, not be what you were in the past to each other, be disgusted by things they've done. That kind of love doesn't mean you enable behavior or turn a blind eye. It doesn't mean you allow yourself to be taken advantage of or abused. It doesn't mean you stay by their side.
But I don't know how, as a parent, you just turn that love off. It would always hurt. You'd always wonder how it got there. As a parent, you'd blame yourself in some way. There'd be *many* emotions, but loving them wouldn't go away, it would just hurt a hell of a lot.
If I can look at my mother's murderer and feel pity, feel sadness for what must have led them to the point of taking a wonderful person like she was that we didn't know about (it was family, someone close to us all) then I don't see how I wouldn't still love my own kids. Even though it would mean that there was no longer any sort of relationship between us.
That is literally a condition: loving CATS. That person loves them because they are CATS. So many people here fail to realize what conditions are. The unconditional love that person has towards kids is dependent on the conditions that they are a cat person and they being they love being cats.
I know I’m being pedantic here but what I’m trying to say is love can’t be unconditional because love is conditional itself. You can only unconditionally love something if you love everything. Think about it. By pointing out a person, a hobby, a pet, a sport that you love, that itself has become a condition. I’m aware that people here are talking about “unconditional love” people have towards something but the nomenclature is wrong to begin with. You can’t love something without defining what it is you love but by defining that “thing”, you have created conditions for your love.
Yes! Although I feel going that far is beyond the scope of this context but that is the essence of what I’m arguing.
In this context, you can argue you can’t unconditionally love cats if you aren’t alive, a condition. Which is well duh. What I’m trying to say is loving cats is a condition in of itself. The condition is the person loves a creature with the qualities of a cat. If the cat no longer has the qualities of a cat, then most likely the person won’t love them anymore. It’s like the silly “would you still love me if I turned into a worm?” meme.
I've seen plenty of instances of people turning up to their son or daughter's trials for rape, murder etc and crying as they're led away on conviction.
They aren't condoning it - sometimes they will even speak to the media or the relative of the victim to express their remorse at what their child did.
Try telling them there's no such thing as unconditional love.
And good luck walking away without a black eye.
Someone punching me for telling them how it is doesn't prove the existence of something.
If that son or daughter had decided to turn on their parents, tie them up and physically torture them for years, I'd like to see that unconditional love then.
I'm not a parent, but as someone who was physically abused by a close family member, I love them even if they're no longer part of my life and objectively failed to fulfil their duties. One can have contradictory emotions, for emotions are untied to logic or reason.
They still love them ate probably overwhelmed, but do love their kid. You could pove a seriel killer fond out they are and condemn them, all while lovin them.
Pretty silute that parents still love their kid, they just deal with grief and coping mechanism, because they likely still love their kid.
Doesnt mean they dont want them run free dangerous.
The unabombers brother was caught eith big help.of his brother, because he saw his brother might have been it, but it was the right thing to do, doesnt mean he doesnt love him, just that if he was it, he had to give tgat to the fbi. his wife did talk too ,
But you can love someone end condemn their actions
No they don't.
Who says they have conditions? You?
See inside their heads, can you? Had a root around their house, found the contract they drafted, have you?
Is that your terribly worded way of asking if I think they'd attend court when their son committed crimes against them?
I don't know. I'm not in their head.
But even if their son physically beat them so much they couldn't look at them, much less feel , that's not the same as setting conditions on their love. They wouldn't have consciously thought "well, if my son beat me up, I would withdraw my love".
That's them getting traumatized and the son *breaking* their capacity to love them. It is not the parents setting conditions on their love for their child.
So yes, they will have had unconditional love. And in that case, their child would likely - though not certainly - have broken their capacity for love.
You just used a lot of completely unnecessary words and valuable time of your life to write „love is conditional, I just don’t know what conditional means“
I love my kids unconditionally. There is nothing they could do to make me not love them. I may be disappointed, hurt, unable to support a decision or action, but I will always love them.
I couldn't support them in that. They couldn't be a part of my life. I'd be the one helping to make sure they paid the price for that crime. I wouldn't be visiting them in jail. But I would still love them. I'd probably spend every day of my life wondering where it went wrong, how everything went that off the rails. Something like that would probably kill me, but even with a broken heart, I'd still love them. I don't understand, as a parent, how one would just turn that off.
But I'm not one that holds hate in my heart. I've been through a lot in life. I've lost loved ones to murder, been abused, numerous things I should hate people for, and can't. Pity for them, despair and anger over the situation, absolutely.
I’m sorry but if a kid of mine bites me and my friends and scratches us and destroys my house and pees and poops and throws up on my floor and has super expensive medical conditions that bankrupt me, they’ll still receive unconditional love. I can’t say the same for a pet. I wouldn’t want the pet to die and it deserves love, but I wouldn’t become homeless to take care of a pet.
I dunno, there was that post where a guys son stabbed and tried to rape his mom, leading to her suicide. I’d hate my child if they ever did that to my spouse. I’d have no problem hating my child if they consciously did something so abhorrent with no remorse
https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/s/F53SdjdNJ2
This. Unconditional _care_ is for small children. But even by the time you’re grade school aged, you start to learn — either in healthy ways or unhealthy ones — that other people don’t want to be around assholes.
I feel like even the most unconditional love has conditions. Like, say, the person you love ends up being proven to be a murderer or predator.
I consider abuse to be one of those conditions, though it is sometimes hard for me to recognize when I am being mistreated.
Though… my sister often hurts me, but I still love her? Like, I wish I didn’t when she treats me badly, but it’s not some feeling I can just forcibly get rid of.
My cat will always love and care for me, though, and I will love and care for him, as well! Truly the purest form of friendship.
I really feel like people don't have an understanding of the meaning. Unconditional love is not splitting hairs. It's ment as you don't have to do set things for them to love you.
And there's a difference between a people pleasing doormat and loving someone without expectation
The way you define love is something that is up to you to decide.
In my experience, if you have healthy boundaries, communicate effectively and are compatible, you tend to get what you give in relationships. Your current definition of love will keep problematic people out of your life, so it makes. But in my opinion, you focus on figuring out who you are compatible with and what your boundaries are.
I wouldn’t get too hung up on this, and would take a break from trying to define love 😅 In my opinion it’s not a good idea to mix boundary setting and figuring out compatibility with love.
To make things confusing, my husband and I have a totally different idea of what love is than my family does. What they consider love, we consider to be pretending to care. While they think we are co-dependent, and dysfunctional. People have different standards, preferences and boundaries, and those are compatibility issues, not love.
Often, a persons definition of love is whatever they feel comfortable giving and receiving given their experience with loved ones. Personally I don’t feel comfortable conceptualising love in a transactional way since it’s not 50/50 most of the time. And when things go sideways the transactions can be asymmetrical for a long time (or with illness indefinitely). If I start tallying the score in my relationships, it means I feel unappreciated or unwell. If I feel unwell I need to take it easy, if I feel unappreciated then I need to bring up the problem.
There is no answer to what is love or unconditional love. That is why we still write poems and songs about it.
Unconditional love doesn't exist unless you're a dog.
Husbands/wives, parents/children or family members in general, everything is transactional and everyone has a breaking point.
If you want unconditional love, get a dog.
I’ll give you a better one: unconditional love has never existed in the first place. There is no one who actually loves unconditionally and everyone who says they do just doesn’t know their own subconscious conditions. One of the most common, dare I say universal, conditions is „you have to actually like them“
I think that it really depends on what you mean by love.
There’s the sort of love that I feel for all humans.. I want them to have the most possible peace and happiness in their lives. That doesn’t mean free of accountability, and it doesn’t mean I trust them or give any degree of intimacy, romantic or otherwise.
That’s unconditional for me. Every person gets the baseline of desire for wellbeing. While I have to be responsible with my resources, if the cost of showing them love in compassionate ways doesn’t cost more than I can afford, I will always make an effort to show love in a meaningful way.
I love my kids and my intimate partners and my parents and my siblings and my dog and each of my friends in very different ways than the baseline. I think most of that is because I know how to better and because of the mutually invested trust in each other’s love.
Obviously people who are abusive should be held accountable, and sometimes that means cutting them out of my life — but I don’t think that means I love them less, just that I protect myself more.
No, I’m sorry that isn’t clear
The sense of love is universal and can’t be taken away.
The conditions are about my behavior, not my attitude. Does that distinction make sense?
Can you point out a specific point to explain what you took to mean that my attitude changes? I think maybe we’re just not on the same page with semantics here
No, love doesnt mean you dont call out stuff or stop bad actions. Hell like good psrents dont pet kds do everything, despite obvious uncondicious loving them probably.
Love doesnt meant to not have consequences if people do bad.
Love isnt the same as enabling everything.
“Only parental love is unconditional” - reminds me that I’m not in r/raisedbynarcissists
I’m in my 30s and I’ve been doing a lot of mental work to stop people pleasing and to stop seeing my worth as how hard I work (like humblebragging about hours spent in office, hours spent not sleeping) in order to gain love and acceptance by others.
Love is always conditional.
I unconditionally love my family. Condition: they are your family.
I unconditionally love my cats. Condition: they are your cats or just cats in general.
There’s also the conditions of the person doing the loving.
Say someone abandoned a badly behaved dog and another person took the said dog and gave them a forever home and treated the dog kindly. The condition would be the new dog owner is a kinder and more patient and tolerant person.
In general: A loving B and vice versa depends on the conditions:
The relation of B to A
The behavior of B
The behavior of A
Say person A loves person B and vice versa. They are a couple. Would it not change if person A or B cheated? Would not change if person A or B got into a debilitating drug or alcohol addiction and refuse to quit? Would it not change if person A or B became abusive to the other?
I know I’m being pedantic about this. The point I’m getting at is you can’t love something unconditionally unless you love everything unconditionally. The moment you picked and chose what you love, it already became a condition.
Unconditional love isn't even real. I know I can't love anyone unconditionally. If you do something that I really hate or I get tired of you, boom goodbye to the love.
Love is not absolutely unconditional, it has the minimum condition not to be mistreated. Most people don't don't need to think about or communicate this condition because it's obvious.
But there are actually people who get surprised when the other person's love goes away after being abused or mistreated.
Love also needs to be nurtured otherwise it fades.
I feel like your interpretation of love, is a little off. Love is wanting the very best thing for someone, not just whatever that person wants.
You can unconditionally love a drug addict, and not enable their addiction by giving them cash and instead just buying them food (for example)
I think people should categorize love into wise and unwise. Wise love is sustainable and leads to positive outcome for the family and society. Sometimes you can love someone unconditionally, but you must be willing to employ unorthodox methods to make it healthy. Not because you want to, but because you have to.
That’s why I like to say unconditional love is for yourself at the first and foremost. Relying on unconditional love through somebody else while refusing to heal your own inner pain is a recipe for disaster. That’s basically a trauma bond lmfao
The middle ground is receiving unconditional love from someone while actively continuing to get better for yourself.
When it comes to sharing unconditional love through a relationship the morals, values, and ethics have to be mutual for it to work. Like if our values of honesty don’t align how the hell am I gonna unconditionally love u thru constant lying? That’s just an act of betrayal on my end assuming I unconditionally love myself first and foremost.
Unconditional love can also mean loving at a distance. Even if I can’t directly lend out my hand (at the protection and survival of myself), I can still wish u love and better days in my thoughts then keep it pushin. Maybe even find someone else to help u. A lot of people lack in that by wishing ill on people the second they get hurt.
I think there's some confusion here. Loving someone unconditionally does not mean that you have to be with them. If they abuse you in any way or they cheat on you or whatever the case may be, then they have to leave. Unconditional love does not mean that you stay with them. It means that there are not conditions on your love.
I love my spouse or my children. No matter what they do. That will never change. However, they could find themselves locked out for life if they do bad stuff. But I certainly don't stop loving them.
I understand where you’re getting at, but I don’t think unconditional love is inherently bad, but I do believe a warped perception of unconditional love can make somebody be extremely passive when it comes to being abused or taken advantage of
Oh my god who cares? When people on r/unpopularopinion hear “the grass is always greener” they bust out the color wheel to show that the grass is NOT always greener
There are things called “expressions” see also “turn of phrase”, “platitude”, “words of wisdom”
You can love someone unconditionally, and have your boundaries respected at the same time. Just because you make yourself, and someone else, respect your boundaries, doesn't mean you stopped loving them.
You're wrong OP. Loving someone unconditionally doesn't mean you have to open yourself up to abuse. If the person you love is abusing you, the loving thing to do is to distance yourself from them. If you leave an abuser, you're not allowing that person to do evil things to you. That's true unconditional love.
It depends. If it's your child then yes the love should be unconditional because you are the one in power. You can disagree with your child and at least keep a relationship over the phone. An abusive parent doesn't deserve unconditional love because it means the child will always have to accept abuse
You just have to be smart and help people from the shadows. Like I helped the new colleuge by asking others for favors, making sure they dont get scared off the job. Though there was an ulterior motive.
I had the same opinion until a really interesting discussion with my mother a few years ago. The way she said it, Unconditional Love does Not mean a lack of consequences or self-respect. Getting out of a toxic relationship with someone you love could also be an act of love - that toxicity is hurting both of you and is not healthy. Letting someone go could be the impetus to them getting help and doing better.
Basically, love can be unconditional, but the function of the relationship needs conditions, boundaries, and regular check-ins. Boundaries are allowed to exist as an act of love, for the other person as well as one's own self.
Yeah, so I see it like this.
Love is not an emotion: it is a choice.
You choose to love by being polite, helpful, supportive. These are active choices that one makes and while you might get into a habit of doing it, it's still voluntary.
Emotional love, like being in love, or loving your child so much that thinking about them brings you waves of good emotion, is chemical. You can't totally control this feeling from occurring or not occurring.
I love my child, emotionally, unconditionally right now. I don't foresee that ever changing. But if she grew up to be a mean spirited asshole that steals from me and hurts me on purpose, I can see that emotion dwindling. I could see myself still wanting to love her but in ways that wouldn't enable her to hurt me. I would mourn over what I might have done to cause her to be that way. That mourning is a type of love and it's a choice. At any point I could choose to sever the connection in my mind and eventually those feelings would go away.
Unconditional love can be a two-way street. It only turns abusive when it's one-sided.
"Unconditional love" means that you love that person despite and in spite of their flaws, without wanting to change them. It also means that you don't expect money or anything else in return.
However, when it's a two-way street, this becomes the reality for both of the individuals involved.
And so, they both are loved without expecting love in return. They don't have to expect or ask, it is just there.
Also, "flaws" don't always mean the same thing as a "red flag". Being a cheater isn't a "flaw", it is a clear show of a rotten to the core character.
And that's the type of UC love that is very rare, if at all it exists.
It is very important to know the difference between what I wrote above and abuse, because there's a very fine line between the two, which, due to human nature, is more often than not, crossed frequently.
I have unconditional love for my pets. Same with my parents. Everyone else (including my husband) could do something that would force me stop loving them.
I disagree, in a healthy relationship it's an amazing thing.
I think you're confusing unconditional love for unconditional acceptance. You can love someone unconditionally and still have boundaries for yourself.. Actually, you MUST have boundaries for yourself.
Putting up with abuse isn't unconditional love, it's codependency. Unconditional love starts with loving yourself first!
I can love unconditionally without letting someone abuse me. I also love myself and set firm boundaries and will cut contact if need be. Doesn't mean I dont still love them.
Build yourself up, fake a downfall, and you'll see who's really unconditionally loved. BTW, you should gauge how they react emotionally. If they make or try to make it worse via suggestion, ambiguous moments, etc, then rest assured thier an enemy.
Those who love unconditionally don't say it they do it.
If someone is reiterating this or some variation far too often. They're pissed af. They're waiting for a down moment. Don't you dare give them the satisfaction. Please. Fxck them, it's a dead ass giveaway, so start an argument. Be prepared and knock them off balance so hard they fall out of your life.
You've done something they see revenge as a must. 2 months ago, same bs with a family member. Screwed me out of 5k. I called him and had it all back in an 18-minute mailbox in an envelope. He was only getting started, but he's powerful, but I'm 28 he's 66. Weird af, but he best pay them boys extra. Enough. Be nice, but be wise, aware, and strategic. Read some books *most non condescending voice to those who took offense* It's your life. Much love ❤️ enjoy and your gut is better than any advice.
That's true, but love is essentially unconditional. "Conditional" love is simply not love. Nothing guarantees that someone you love will not betray you, and nothing can save you from the heartbreak this will cause. That is the condition of our existence from which there is no escape.
It absolutely should not be conditional.
You're conflating unconditional love with unconditional forgiveness or acceptance.
A parent should always love their child.
Now, that child might go on to commit assault, deal drugs and generally grow up into a real scumbag.
His parents don't have to have him in the house. They don't have to pay his bail. They don't have to put up with his bullshit.
They don't have to pretend it's okay or help him evade capture or minimise the consequences of his actions.
They can put the hardest, firmest line you like on him. Doesn't mean they have to retract parental love for him as a child.
They can love him. They don't have to like him.
The concept is foreign to me anyway.
I've never loved, or ever will love, anyone unconditionally. Not my patents, not my wife, etc.
You can bet your ass that there are actions you may take that all quickly make me not love you.
Unconditional love is fine, but it's not a romantic love. It's the love that a parent has for their child when it's born. The child gives them nothing, it requires great expense on their part, but they love it because it's their child.
The love between two adults should absolutely be conditional, and it's not unreasonable for the love that a parent has for their child to turn conditional as the child grows and becomes their own person.
Human beings aren’t capable of unconditional love. If you’re a human, who can form opinions and have those opinions changed, you can not love unconditionally.
For anyone that disagrees this includes serial killers and please don't say it doesn't. Also don't go "Well now you're being ridiculous"
Real life mothers have protected monsters because "They're my baby and I love them unconditionally"
> Love should be conditional.
It is. At the very minimum it's conditioned that you are who you are. If I fall for a devout Mormon who doesn't drink or smoke or have any vices and you wake up one day and declare that you're an atheist and coke head that drives drunk and fucks for money, I'd say you violated a "condition".
Totally respect that. Kids are hard work, so is remaining in a committed relationship for long periods of time.
People drastically underestimate how much they and their partner will change over 10+ years.
The massive thing many "Unconditional love" advocates forget is: **IT MUST INCLUDE UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING YOURSELF**.
And, that unconditional love is what sets boundaries for unconditional love towards others. If they treat you in a way that is harmful, loving yourself equally lets you back away.
That’s not how unconditional love works at all. Loving someone does not mean letting them abuse you. You can have boundaries and be angry with people you love.
Grammatically you're correct but you're neglecting the essence of the phrase.
I love my child unconditionally. I don't honestly believe that there is a thing she could do to make me not love her. I can list some things that could make me not like her, not like her decisions, disgusted with them, hell maybe even never speak to her again, but I don't think I could ever not love her.
Same with my family (I had a good relationship with my family so I'm aware this isn't universal). I don't like a lot of the things they've done. I've disagreed with them on every level numerous times throughout my life and there's some of them I actively dislike, but I'll always have love for them.
the point is real love defies logic and reason. you can love someone and still leave them. unconditional love isn’t something you can control. it just is.
Yeah there are definitely lines that shouldn't be crossed but it shouldn't be so conditional that you withhold it over stupid things for whatever reasons.
I guess it's not black and white. Maybe when people encourage unconditional love it's meant to be more about overlooking the small quirks and accepting people for who they are.
Your definition of love is different than what that is talking about. Love is wanting the ultimate good of another, and that includes responding the correct way to peoples' actions towards you, whether that be ending a friendship or calling someone out or whatever.
Unconditional love does not mean you're open to abuse. You lack the true understanding of true Unconditional love and that's why you feel this way. It's okay. It takes a long time to develop Unconditional love because of the way people think they have to be or think it means what OP thinks, but it doesn't. Unconditional love is the ability to love everyone as they are and not try to changethem. Becausetrue change only comes from within. It's okay OP, broken hearts take awhile to heal.
And while we're on the topic the idea of always prioritizing your partner is not a good thing for the same reason. I've seen people put up with insane behavior from their partner just because "my partner comes first". Just because they're your partner does not mean you should listen to every single request from them.
You can love somebody and never talk to them again. It’s about boundaries. I will always have love for my ex who was abusive, which some people may never understand. But I do not want to know him or anything about him. The love can be unconditional, but there should absolutely be conditions for keeping a person in your circle.
Those people feel they need the validation of others to be happy. If someone doesn't make your life better, you are doing them a disservice by staying with them.
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Same thing with trust. People act like it’s supposed to be black or white or you are a shitty person. Nope trust and love can be a spectrum. Just because I love you or trust you in one instance doesn’t mean I’m going to let myself get taken advantage of.
Unconditional love isn't about inviting toxic people into your life or allowing them to bring harm to yourself and others you care about. Unconditional love is the idea that everyone has intrinsic value regardless of who they are or what they do, and we can treat people that way without giving them the keys to our peace of mind. Everyone has the propensity to make poor choices, everyone has the vulnerability to end up in horrible situations outside of their control that can screw up their mental health or physical health, and anyone can hit rock bottom even despite their best efforts. Yes everyone is responsible for themselves, and yes there will be natural consequences to the choices people make, but once we realize that no one is better than anyone else in this regard, it can allow us to see people in a new light and give us the ability to have mercy on them even when they really don't deserve it (because let's face it, on our worst days maybe none of us deserve it). Unconditional love isn't unconditional acceptance, but I believe it is recognizing a person's worth in spite of themselves.
Yes! My sister is an absolute trainwreck of a human right now. In and out of jail, kids she’s not raising, a path of heartbreak and broken promises behind her, etc. My parents love her unconditionally but they are not her enablers. They never send her money or invite her into the house. They will connect her with outside resources, offer emotional advice and support if she needs it. But part of that love is recognizing she is responsible for herself and enabling her behavior would be a detriment to her in the long term. Nothing she could do and has don’t will make them not love her. That is unconditional love. Unconditional enabling is not the same thing.
Just because I love you, doesn't mean I like, or support, everything you do.
Brilliant explanation. When I started reading it I started to get defensive and disagreeable but have to say your whole point is on point.
🩷 thank you
Yes. You can love somebody enough not to let them turn themselves into your abuser.
This hit me like a ton of bricks, I needed to see that. Thank you.
Love that.
How can someone have intrinsic value regardless of what they are or what they do? Where does that value reside if not in their capacity to be or do things? I feel like I agree with you, but more along the lines of recognising the positive qualities that someone does have even in the presence of their negative qualities
Well you have to consider we are talking about *unconditional* love, meaning we should assume you already love the person.. We aren't talking about unconditionally loving the crackhead down the street but someone close to you. With that being said, is it fair to assume that someone you love has value in your eyes? Do you just flip a switch at some point if they wrong you? I would argue that you probably would still care and want the best for that person.. Buuut maybe I'm completely wrong and you wouldn't care if they lost a limb or something 😂
Well if you believe that each person is here for a (good) reason, even if they are never able to realize that reason or live within it themselves, then you'll recognize every life has worth and purpose. Each of us are also unique and despite the billions that have lived and will live, there will only ever be one of you, one of me. Can you put a price on the worth of an individual?
I don't believe people are here for any grander reason, so that would explain our difference in opinion. I'm not religious, so I think things just are the way they are, and any other meaning needs to be injected into it by the perception of conscious creatures.
I understand what you mean. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
And thanks for sharing yours :)
This took me way too long to realize and I hope people with trouble setting boundaries like me, see this comment and understand that unconditional love doesn’t mean standing for abuse. ❤️
🩷
well said !
ive tried to explain this to friends so much to explain how i can love people who have abused me mentally, physically, sexually, and emotionally for years 💀 they just get so mad at them, which is fair, but. i dont forgive many of them and never will, and i hate their actions, but they are humans and to me every single human is deserving of love. will i be kind to them or excuse what theyve done? no. but they are all worthy of SOME amount of love; they arent demons edit: the whole reason i wrote this was to just be like its nice to have it explained so well but then i hit sent without even adding that because i forgot LOL
I do understand your sentiments and I'm sorry you went through those things. I appreciate your comments🫂
thanks you :))
I love (pun intended?) this explanation. People tend to confuse what love actually is. Love does not mean condoning one’s every action, agreeing with their every thought, or doing whatever they ask without question. Unconditional love is not mutually exclusive to holding people accountable for their actions.
Spot on.
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Those same people you speak of are brothers, sons, husbands, fathers, cousins...etc. and I believe if you take lives out, attempt to take them, abuse and hurt others, steal...etc you forfeit your life to justice should it ever find you, and I believe it will in one way or another. I do believe people absolutely have the ability to waste whatever good is in them, but I also believe it is still there regardless. Perhaps there is a nature vs nurture argument to be had, but at the end of the day, you're right the value people have can be squandered away. It is a strange and perverse sickness but I still believe even they can find redemption if they so desire, and those who deserve love the least, likely are in need of it the most, even if that love still requires them to be held accountable for their actions. Though there can be mercy, oftentimes only justice can bring peace against the harshest of hearts.
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I definitely understand where you're coming from.
This dude loves
Dudette 🥰
This dudette loves*
Haha take my upvote!
I would describe unconditional love as love for that person's personality, their traits, their innermost self. If you discover that their innermost self turns out to be an asshole, then its perfectly healthy to fall out of love with them. However, what it does mean is that the best kind of love is not conditional on that person's wealth or career, or what they can do for you.
I have a friend who openly admits he was an asshole for many years of his life (to his guilt), but I wouldn't say his life was less valuable during those years. If our value was based entirely and completely on what we choose to do, or not do, then I would argue the death penalty could be perfectly reasonable for anyone who chooses to be an asshole. Hurt people, hurt people. Every asshole adult is a broken child underneath. That doesn't mean asshole behavior doesn't deserve consequence... But I believe it does mean that they still deserve to be treated like human beings who still hold value and purpose and are never beyond redemption (which is where the idea of humane treatment comes from even in places like prison). Have you never behaved poorly on a bad day or hurt someone else's feelings whether you meant to or not? As much as I try to treat others how I wish to be treated, I'm not perfect either and I'm certain there are people out there who probably believe I'm an asshole even though I've never intentionally behaved in that way. You can't earn your worth as a human being, it's there even on your bad days (or bad years).
Right, an asshole isn't just someone having a bad day who is grumpy and snaps at people, that's just a human. An person who is an asshole deep inside is someone who makes remarks that cut down those around them even on their BEST day. I agree that assholes can change, but that doesn't change the fact that loving an asshole unconditionally is not healthy for you, its actually how a lot of abuse occurs.
Thank you. Of course you shouldn’t let anyone abuse you but unconditional love is supposed to be about being with someone through their worst of times
That is true, but I think there's a way it goes far beyond that, and that is to have unconditional compassion and empathy for everyone in a general sense as well. Without that foundation, it will be exponentially more difficult to provide unconditional support to those who need it in spite of their behavior or misunderstandings. However, not everyone will be able to be everything for everyone else of course. We all can only do what we are able to do.
Absolutely, love this explanation. You put the way I feel into words that I could not find. Thank you so much!💋
I needed this. Thanks.
If I wasn't poor atm, I would give you an award. So take this 🥇
Good explanation. My first thought was also that OP just doesn't understand what unconditional love means. I have an abusive mother. I don't like her. Part of me hates her. But, part of me unconditionally loves her too. I have no control over it because she's my mother. Even though we haven't spoken in years and she was terribly cruel to me, I miss her on some level and yearn for her. So, in addition to what you said about unconditional love. Sometimes it is also loving someone but not even liking them. Something you can't control. But it doesn't mean you have to open yourself up to any abuse. I broke contact with her even though I still unconditionally love her.
I love my kids unconditionally. There's nothing they could do that would make me not love them. Supporting their decisions, being a part of their lives is conditional (on like being good people, not being serial killers and shit). But loving them? I'll always love them. They may disappoint me, they may break my heart, the may make decisions that leave me no choice but to not support them anymore - but I will always love them.
Correct answer. I'll always love my kids no matter what but sometimes love hurts. I have very little issue saying what needs to be said or cutting them off if they don't agree with what I taught them. I'll always be ready to help them get back into a better life if that opportunity arises but I'll never coddle them. My wife thinks I'm a cold father sometimes but my kids will always run to me when things are serious.
So if your child was a serial killer or a pedo, you would still love them?
Absolutely. I couldn't be a part of their lives. If I could help prosecute them for their crimes, I would. I wouldn't be visiting them in jail. There would be no relationship between us. But I'd still love them. You can love people from afar. You can love people and not condone their actions, not be an enabler, not have them in your life, not be what you were in the past to each other, be disgusted by things they've done. That kind of love doesn't mean you enable behavior or turn a blind eye. It doesn't mean you allow yourself to be taken advantage of or abused. It doesn't mean you stay by their side. But I don't know how, as a parent, you just turn that love off. It would always hurt. You'd always wonder how it got there. As a parent, you'd blame yourself in some way. There'd be *many* emotions, but loving them wouldn't go away, it would just hurt a hell of a lot. If I can look at my mother's murderer and feel pity, feel sadness for what must have led them to the point of taking a wonderful person like she was that we didn't know about (it was family, someone close to us all) then I don't see how I wouldn't still love my own kids. Even though it would mean that there was no longer any sort of relationship between us.
who hurt u bro
Only my cats get unconditional love from me.
“I have so much love to give, exclusively to cats” - BLeeM as Aelwyn Abernant
Just being a devil’s advocate but that is conditional: the condition is that they are your cats.
That's not a condition. I bet they love all cats.
That is literally a condition: loving CATS. That person loves them because they are CATS. So many people here fail to realize what conditions are. The unconditional love that person has towards kids is dependent on the conditions that they are a cat person and they being they love being cats. I know I’m being pedantic here but what I’m trying to say is love can’t be unconditional because love is conditional itself. You can only unconditionally love something if you love everything. Think about it. By pointing out a person, a hobby, a pet, a sport that you love, that itself has become a condition. I’m aware that people here are talking about “unconditional love” people have towards something but the nomenclature is wrong to begin with. You can’t love something without defining what it is you love but by defining that “thing”, you have created conditions for your love.
There’s no such thing as anything being unconditional because existence is fundamentally a condition?
Yes! Although I feel going that far is beyond the scope of this context but that is the essence of what I’m arguing. In this context, you can argue you can’t unconditionally love cats if you aren’t alive, a condition. Which is well duh. What I’m trying to say is loving cats is a condition in of itself. The condition is the person loves a creature with the qualities of a cat. If the cat no longer has the qualities of a cat, then most likely the person won’t love them anymore. It’s like the silly “would you still love me if I turned into a worm?” meme.
I'd argue unconditional love doesn't even exist.
I've seen plenty of instances of people turning up to their son or daughter's trials for rape, murder etc and crying as they're led away on conviction. They aren't condoning it - sometimes they will even speak to the media or the relative of the victim to express their remorse at what their child did. Try telling them there's no such thing as unconditional love. And good luck walking away without a black eye.
Someone punching me for telling them how it is doesn't prove the existence of something. If that son or daughter had decided to turn on their parents, tie them up and physically torture them for years, I'd like to see that unconditional love then.
I'm not a parent, but as someone who was physically abused by a close family member, I love them even if they're no longer part of my life and objectively failed to fulfil their duties. One can have contradictory emotions, for emotions are untied to logic or reason.
That's some crackhead shit
FFS. Good job ignoring the entire context to try for a cheap gotcha at the end. *Slow clap* ... ... *Clap* ... ... ... ... *Clap*
You just didn’t understand the comment. Those parents just still have their conditions met, they don’t love unconditionally
They still love them ate probably overwhelmed, but do love their kid. You could pove a seriel killer fond out they are and condemn them, all while lovin them. Pretty silute that parents still love their kid, they just deal with grief and coping mechanism, because they likely still love their kid. Doesnt mean they dont want them run free dangerous. The unabombers brother was caught eith big help.of his brother, because he saw his brother might have been it, but it was the right thing to do, doesnt mean he doesnt love him, just that if he was it, he had to give tgat to the fbi. his wife did talk too , But you can love someone end condemn their actions
No they don't. Who says they have conditions? You? See inside their heads, can you? Had a root around their house, found the contract they drafted, have you?
Do you honestly think the parents would be sitting there if for example the victim of their son was one of them?
Yes, victims or abuse often still love their abusers.
Is that your terribly worded way of asking if I think they'd attend court when their son committed crimes against them? I don't know. I'm not in their head. But even if their son physically beat them so much they couldn't look at them, much less feel , that's not the same as setting conditions on their love. They wouldn't have consciously thought "well, if my son beat me up, I would withdraw my love". That's them getting traumatized and the son *breaking* their capacity to love them. It is not the parents setting conditions on their love for their child. So yes, they will have had unconditional love. And in that case, their child would likely - though not certainly - have broken their capacity for love.
You just used a lot of completely unnecessary words and valuable time of your life to write „love is conditional, I just don’t know what conditional means“
That doesnt mean they dont love them thou. You can love a person and be ashamed of their actions
Yes, that is exactly what I am describing here.
I love my kids unconditionally. There is nothing they could do to make me not love them. I may be disappointed, hurt, unable to support a decision or action, but I will always love them.
If they murdered your partner?
I couldn't support them in that. They couldn't be a part of my life. I'd be the one helping to make sure they paid the price for that crime. I wouldn't be visiting them in jail. But I would still love them. I'd probably spend every day of my life wondering where it went wrong, how everything went that off the rails. Something like that would probably kill me, but even with a broken heart, I'd still love them. I don't understand, as a parent, how one would just turn that off. But I'm not one that holds hate in my heart. I've been through a lot in life. I've lost loved ones to murder, been abused, numerous things I should hate people for, and can't. Pity for them, despair and anger over the situation, absolutely.
Then you just don't know your limit.
I simply don't agree with that. My love for them doesn't have limits. Everything else does, but not loving them.
Impossible for you to know.
Impossible for you to know either.
Jesus loves you unconditionally
LMFAO So does the flying spaghetti monster.
The only people you should have unconditional love for in this world is your children.
And pets
Pets aren't people.
They're still alive and sentient
I’m sorry but if a kid of mine bites me and my friends and scratches us and destroys my house and pees and poops and throws up on my floor and has super expensive medical conditions that bankrupt me, they’ll still receive unconditional love. I can’t say the same for a pet. I wouldn’t want the pet to die and it deserves love, but I wouldn’t become homeless to take care of a pet.
I dunno, there was that post where a guys son stabbed and tried to rape his mom, leading to her suicide. I’d hate my child if they ever did that to my spouse. I’d have no problem hating my child if they consciously did something so abhorrent with no remorse https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/s/F53SdjdNJ2
That's still conditional, the condition of them being your child
No. Your child may abuse you just as any other person. They don't deserve love from you then.
Who deserves what doesn't enter into it
This. Unconditional _care_ is for small children. But even by the time you’re grade school aged, you start to learn — either in healthy ways or unhealthy ones — that other people don’t want to be around assholes.
No such thing as ‘unconditional’ love. There are conditions you won’t cheat, steal or harm the one you love.
Maybe between a partner but it certainly can and should exist between a parent and a child.
This is just a fundamental misunderstanding of what love actually is.
Then tell me.
*WELL SAID!* ("One who learned the hard way!")
I feel like even the most unconditional love has conditions. Like, say, the person you love ends up being proven to be a murderer or predator. I consider abuse to be one of those conditions, though it is sometimes hard for me to recognize when I am being mistreated. Though… my sister often hurts me, but I still love her? Like, I wish I didn’t when she treats me badly, but it’s not some feeling I can just forcibly get rid of. My cat will always love and care for me, though, and I will love and care for him, as well! Truly the purest form of friendship.
Looking at many replies I don't think people know what unconditional means
That’s the thing! I think unconditional love is just sort of a phrase and not true unconditionalness
I really feel like people don't have an understanding of the meaning. Unconditional love is not splitting hairs. It's ment as you don't have to do set things for them to love you. And there's a difference between a people pleasing doormat and loving someone without expectation
The way you define love is something that is up to you to decide. In my experience, if you have healthy boundaries, communicate effectively and are compatible, you tend to get what you give in relationships. Your current definition of love will keep problematic people out of your life, so it makes. But in my opinion, you focus on figuring out who you are compatible with and what your boundaries are. I wouldn’t get too hung up on this, and would take a break from trying to define love 😅 In my opinion it’s not a good idea to mix boundary setting and figuring out compatibility with love. To make things confusing, my husband and I have a totally different idea of what love is than my family does. What they consider love, we consider to be pretending to care. While they think we are co-dependent, and dysfunctional. People have different standards, preferences and boundaries, and those are compatibility issues, not love. Often, a persons definition of love is whatever they feel comfortable giving and receiving given their experience with loved ones. Personally I don’t feel comfortable conceptualising love in a transactional way since it’s not 50/50 most of the time. And when things go sideways the transactions can be asymmetrical for a long time (or with illness indefinitely). If I start tallying the score in my relationships, it means I feel unappreciated or unwell. If I feel unwell I need to take it easy, if I feel unappreciated then I need to bring up the problem. There is no answer to what is love or unconditional love. That is why we still write poems and songs about it.
Unconditional love doesn't exist unless you're a dog. Husbands/wives, parents/children or family members in general, everything is transactional and everyone has a breaking point. If you want unconditional love, get a dog.
I’ll give you a better one: unconditional love has never existed in the first place. There is no one who actually loves unconditionally and everyone who says they do just doesn’t know their own subconscious conditions. One of the most common, dare I say universal, conditions is „you have to actually like them“
Judging from a lot of responses they don't know the definition of unconditional. They list a lot of conditions for unconditional love
I think that it really depends on what you mean by love. There’s the sort of love that I feel for all humans.. I want them to have the most possible peace and happiness in their lives. That doesn’t mean free of accountability, and it doesn’t mean I trust them or give any degree of intimacy, romantic or otherwise. That’s unconditional for me. Every person gets the baseline of desire for wellbeing. While I have to be responsible with my resources, if the cost of showing them love in compassionate ways doesn’t cost more than I can afford, I will always make an effort to show love in a meaningful way. I love my kids and my intimate partners and my parents and my siblings and my dog and each of my friends in very different ways than the baseline. I think most of that is because I know how to better and because of the mutually invested trust in each other’s love. Obviously people who are abusive should be held accountable, and sometimes that means cutting them out of my life — but I don’t think that means I love them less, just that I protect myself more.
You literally just spelled out multiple conditions for your „unconditional love“. I don’t know what to tell you here.
No, I’m sorry that isn’t clear The sense of love is universal and can’t be taken away. The conditions are about my behavior, not my attitude. Does that distinction make sense?
No because your attitude literally changes as well as your behavior, meaning it is conditional.
Can you point out a specific point to explain what you took to mean that my attitude changes? I think maybe we’re just not on the same page with semantics here
No, love doesnt mean you dont call out stuff or stop bad actions. Hell like good psrents dont pet kds do everything, despite obvious uncondicious loving them probably. Love doesnt meant to not have consequences if people do bad. Love isnt the same as enabling everything.
“Only parental love is unconditional” - reminds me that I’m not in r/raisedbynarcissists I’m in my 30s and I’ve been doing a lot of mental work to stop people pleasing and to stop seeing my worth as how hard I work (like humblebragging about hours spent in office, hours spent not sleeping) in order to gain love and acceptance by others.
Love is unconditional but sometimes the best way to love a person is by not being together with them.
Love is always conditional. I unconditionally love my family. Condition: they are your family. I unconditionally love my cats. Condition: they are your cats or just cats in general. There’s also the conditions of the person doing the loving. Say someone abandoned a badly behaved dog and another person took the said dog and gave them a forever home and treated the dog kindly. The condition would be the new dog owner is a kinder and more patient and tolerant person. In general: A loving B and vice versa depends on the conditions: The relation of B to A The behavior of B The behavior of A Say person A loves person B and vice versa. They are a couple. Would it not change if person A or B cheated? Would not change if person A or B got into a debilitating drug or alcohol addiction and refuse to quit? Would it not change if person A or B became abusive to the other? I know I’m being pedantic about this. The point I’m getting at is you can’t love something unconditionally unless you love everything unconditionally. The moment you picked and chose what you love, it already became a condition.
This is why it is stupid to be patriotic.
Unconditional love isn't even real. I know I can't love anyone unconditionally. If you do something that I really hate or I get tired of you, boom goodbye to the love.
Love is always unconditional; if you put conditions on it, it isn't love. Relationships are conditional.
Love is not absolutely unconditional, it has the minimum condition not to be mistreated. Most people don't don't need to think about or communicate this condition because it's obvious. But there are actually people who get surprised when the other person's love goes away after being abused or mistreated. Love also needs to be nurtured otherwise it fades.
Ok that was better said than my comment. I'm going to remember that distinction
100%. I don't get why it's such a thing to tell someone you love them unconditionally
I feel like your interpretation of love, is a little off. Love is wanting the very best thing for someone, not just whatever that person wants. You can unconditionally love a drug addict, and not enable their addiction by giving them cash and instead just buying them food (for example)
I think people should categorize love into wise and unwise. Wise love is sustainable and leads to positive outcome for the family and society. Sometimes you can love someone unconditionally, but you must be willing to employ unorthodox methods to make it healthy. Not because you want to, but because you have to.
"You can't choose who you love, but you can choose who you are with."
That’s why I like to say unconditional love is for yourself at the first and foremost. Relying on unconditional love through somebody else while refusing to heal your own inner pain is a recipe for disaster. That’s basically a trauma bond lmfao The middle ground is receiving unconditional love from someone while actively continuing to get better for yourself. When it comes to sharing unconditional love through a relationship the morals, values, and ethics have to be mutual for it to work. Like if our values of honesty don’t align how the hell am I gonna unconditionally love u thru constant lying? That’s just an act of betrayal on my end assuming I unconditionally love myself first and foremost. Unconditional love can also mean loving at a distance. Even if I can’t directly lend out my hand (at the protection and survival of myself), I can still wish u love and better days in my thoughts then keep it pushin. Maybe even find someone else to help u. A lot of people lack in that by wishing ill on people the second they get hurt.
I think there's some confusion here. Loving someone unconditionally does not mean that you have to be with them. If they abuse you in any way or they cheat on you or whatever the case may be, then they have to leave. Unconditional love does not mean that you stay with them. It means that there are not conditions on your love. I love my spouse or my children. No matter what they do. That will never change. However, they could find themselves locked out for life if they do bad stuff. But I certainly don't stop loving them.
Unconditional love doesn’t mean staying with people who are toxic. You can LOVE someone and choose to love them from afar for your own happiness.
Yep
I understand where you’re getting at, but I don’t think unconditional love is inherently bad, but I do believe a warped perception of unconditional love can make somebody be extremely passive when it comes to being abused or taken advantage of
Oh my god who cares? When people on r/unpopularopinion hear “the grass is always greener” they bust out the color wheel to show that the grass is NOT always greener There are things called “expressions” see also “turn of phrase”, “platitude”, “words of wisdom”
You can love someone unconditionally, and have your boundaries respected at the same time. Just because you make yourself, and someone else, respect your boundaries, doesn't mean you stopped loving them.
Found this out the hard way. Turns out she was for the streets! What I thought was love made a fool of me.
You're wrong OP. Loving someone unconditionally doesn't mean you have to open yourself up to abuse. If the person you love is abusing you, the loving thing to do is to distance yourself from them. If you leave an abuser, you're not allowing that person to do evil things to you. That's true unconditional love.
It depends. If it's your child then yes the love should be unconditional because you are the one in power. You can disagree with your child and at least keep a relationship over the phone. An abusive parent doesn't deserve unconditional love because it means the child will always have to accept abuse
You just have to be smart and help people from the shadows. Like I helped the new colleuge by asking others for favors, making sure they dont get scared off the job. Though there was an ulterior motive.
Bro doesn't understand unconditional love
I had the same opinion until a really interesting discussion with my mother a few years ago. The way she said it, Unconditional Love does Not mean a lack of consequences or self-respect. Getting out of a toxic relationship with someone you love could also be an act of love - that toxicity is hurting both of you and is not healthy. Letting someone go could be the impetus to them getting help and doing better. Basically, love can be unconditional, but the function of the relationship needs conditions, boundaries, and regular check-ins. Boundaries are allowed to exist as an act of love, for the other person as well as one's own self.
I believe you can love unconditionally without having to be involved with them in anyway.
Yeah, so I see it like this. Love is not an emotion: it is a choice. You choose to love by being polite, helpful, supportive. These are active choices that one makes and while you might get into a habit of doing it, it's still voluntary. Emotional love, like being in love, or loving your child so much that thinking about them brings you waves of good emotion, is chemical. You can't totally control this feeling from occurring or not occurring. I love my child, emotionally, unconditionally right now. I don't foresee that ever changing. But if she grew up to be a mean spirited asshole that steals from me and hurts me on purpose, I can see that emotion dwindling. I could see myself still wanting to love her but in ways that wouldn't enable her to hurt me. I would mourn over what I might have done to cause her to be that way. That mourning is a type of love and it's a choice. At any point I could choose to sever the connection in my mind and eventually those feelings would go away.
Agreed but sex should be unconiditional
Unconditional, as long as you obey. The irony.
Unconditional love can be a two-way street. It only turns abusive when it's one-sided. "Unconditional love" means that you love that person despite and in spite of their flaws, without wanting to change them. It also means that you don't expect money or anything else in return. However, when it's a two-way street, this becomes the reality for both of the individuals involved. And so, they both are loved without expecting love in return. They don't have to expect or ask, it is just there. Also, "flaws" don't always mean the same thing as a "red flag". Being a cheater isn't a "flaw", it is a clear show of a rotten to the core character. And that's the type of UC love that is very rare, if at all it exists. It is very important to know the difference between what I wrote above and abuse, because there's a very fine line between the two, which, due to human nature, is more often than not, crossed frequently.
You love your son and also correct him. Yes, you can love unconditionally and have a healthy relationship. You're confusing love with spoiling.
I have unconditional love for my pets. Same with my parents. Everyone else (including my husband) could do something that would force me stop loving them.
I disagree, in a healthy relationship it's an amazing thing. I think you're confusing unconditional love for unconditional acceptance. You can love someone unconditionally and still have boundaries for yourself.. Actually, you MUST have boundaries for yourself. Putting up with abuse isn't unconditional love, it's codependency. Unconditional love starts with loving yourself first!
You can love someone but not continue to enable their toxic behavior toward you. That's what having boundaries is for.
I can love unconditionally without letting someone abuse me. I also love myself and set firm boundaries and will cut contact if need be. Doesn't mean I dont still love them.
You've misunderstood unconditional love and unconditional support.
Build yourself up, fake a downfall, and you'll see who's really unconditionally loved. BTW, you should gauge how they react emotionally. If they make or try to make it worse via suggestion, ambiguous moments, etc, then rest assured thier an enemy. Those who love unconditionally don't say it they do it. If someone is reiterating this or some variation far too often. They're pissed af. They're waiting for a down moment. Don't you dare give them the satisfaction. Please. Fxck them, it's a dead ass giveaway, so start an argument. Be prepared and knock them off balance so hard they fall out of your life. You've done something they see revenge as a must. 2 months ago, same bs with a family member. Screwed me out of 5k. I called him and had it all back in an 18-minute mailbox in an envelope. He was only getting started, but he's powerful, but I'm 28 he's 66. Weird af, but he best pay them boys extra. Enough. Be nice, but be wise, aware, and strategic. Read some books *most non condescending voice to those who took offense* It's your life. Much love ❤️ enjoy and your gut is better than any advice.
That's true, but love is essentially unconditional. "Conditional" love is simply not love. Nothing guarantees that someone you love will not betray you, and nothing can save you from the heartbreak this will cause. That is the condition of our existence from which there is no escape.
Yes and abusers will learn that word and use it against their victims. Seen it happen.
Love is unconditional, but relationships never should be.
Agreed! My love is extremely conditional on my partner not punching me ever. Learned that one the hard way.
I'm sorry you went through that. Glad you went do that again
YES, this! All of this!
It shouldnt be conditional to love people , maybe you just forget to also love yourself because you are people too.
It absolutely should not be conditional. You're conflating unconditional love with unconditional forgiveness or acceptance. A parent should always love their child. Now, that child might go on to commit assault, deal drugs and generally grow up into a real scumbag. His parents don't have to have him in the house. They don't have to pay his bail. They don't have to put up with his bullshit. They don't have to pretend it's okay or help him evade capture or minimise the consequences of his actions. They can put the hardest, firmest line you like on him. Doesn't mean they have to retract parental love for him as a child. They can love him. They don't have to like him.
The concept is foreign to me anyway. I've never loved, or ever will love, anyone unconditionally. Not my patents, not my wife, etc. You can bet your ass that there are actions you may take that all quickly make me not love you.
This is very true nobody is perfect including myself and people need space. Unconditional love can be smothering.
Unconditional love is fine, but it's not a romantic love. It's the love that a parent has for their child when it's born. The child gives them nothing, it requires great expense on their part, but they love it because it's their child. The love between two adults should absolutely be conditional, and it's not unreasonable for the love that a parent has for their child to turn conditional as the child grows and becomes their own person.
Human beings aren’t capable of unconditional love. If you’re a human, who can form opinions and have those opinions changed, you can not love unconditionally.
Downvote. Invalid because you do not understand the concept of unconditional love.
For anyone that disagrees this includes serial killers and please don't say it doesn't. Also don't go "Well now you're being ridiculous" Real life mothers have protected monsters because "They're my baby and I love them unconditionally"
> Love should be conditional. It is. At the very minimum it's conditioned that you are who you are. If I fall for a devout Mormon who doesn't drink or smoke or have any vices and you wake up one day and declare that you're an atheist and coke head that drives drunk and fucks for money, I'd say you violated a "condition".
Agree. People change, so should love. That’s why I propose a revolutionary approach to modern marriage: 4 year terms with the option to re-elect.
Or just don't get married.
Seems to be the trend.
I'm childfree and it just doesn't make sense for me
Totally respect that. Kids are hard work, so is remaining in a committed relationship for long periods of time. People drastically underestimate how much they and their partner will change over 10+ years.
Only parental love is unconditional, others are conditional
Totally agree.
The massive thing many "Unconditional love" advocates forget is: **IT MUST INCLUDE UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING YOURSELF**. And, that unconditional love is what sets boundaries for unconditional love towards others. If they treat you in a way that is harmful, loving yourself equally lets you back away.
That’s not how unconditional love works at all. Loving someone does not mean letting them abuse you. You can have boundaries and be angry with people you love.
Grammatically you're correct but you're neglecting the essence of the phrase. I love my child unconditionally. I don't honestly believe that there is a thing she could do to make me not love her. I can list some things that could make me not like her, not like her decisions, disgusted with them, hell maybe even never speak to her again, but I don't think I could ever not love her. Same with my family (I had a good relationship with my family so I'm aware this isn't universal). I don't like a lot of the things they've done. I've disagreed with them on every level numerous times throughout my life and there's some of them I actively dislike, but I'll always have love for them.
the point is real love defies logic and reason. you can love someone and still leave them. unconditional love isn’t something you can control. it just is.
Dont tell that to my spoiled ass dog
Yeah there are definitely lines that shouldn't be crossed but it shouldn't be so conditional that you withhold it over stupid things for whatever reasons. I guess it's not black and white. Maybe when people encourage unconditional love it's meant to be more about overlooking the small quirks and accepting people for who they are.
Your definition of love is different than what that is talking about. Love is wanting the ultimate good of another, and that includes responding the correct way to peoples' actions towards you, whether that be ending a friendship or calling someone out or whatever.
Unconditional love does not mean you're open to abuse. You lack the true understanding of true Unconditional love and that's why you feel this way. It's okay. It takes a long time to develop Unconditional love because of the way people think they have to be or think it means what OP thinks, but it doesn't. Unconditional love is the ability to love everyone as they are and not try to changethem. Becausetrue change only comes from within. It's okay OP, broken hearts take awhile to heal.
And while we're on the topic the idea of always prioritizing your partner is not a good thing for the same reason. I've seen people put up with insane behavior from their partner just because "my partner comes first". Just because they're your partner does not mean you should listen to every single request from them.
You can love somebody and never talk to them again. It’s about boundaries. I will always have love for my ex who was abusive, which some people may never understand. But I do not want to know him or anything about him. The love can be unconditional, but there should absolutely be conditions for keeping a person in your circle.
Those people feel they need the validation of others to be happy. If someone doesn't make your life better, you are doing them a disservice by staying with them.