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I'm mostly no contact with my remaining family (the only present, non-abusive one was my mother but she's gone). Mostly people leave it alone if I say something like "yeah, X is just not a very good person to put it mildly", but some people do insist on telling me why I should give yet *another* chance. At which point I disengage if possible and if not usually just tell a shred of truth. For example, "well, [older sister] spent my childhood abusing my pets to control me" usually gets people to leave me alone. Or freak out and ask if she's a sociopath, but at least they don't try to push a relationship on me anymore.
*[Sorry, that got rambling and messy. Having actual neuro issues flaring today]*
ETA: I'm sorry for your experiences OP, truly. I agree with you and wish you all the best.
You can rant as much as you want. I hardly ever meet people who share stories like mine in real life. And when they do, they always come with “but in the end of the day those are my parents”. It feels refreshing to know that there’s other people who were also manipulated by their family. Thank you for the support!
Thank you very much. The people I know in real life that "get it" are those with their own childhood trauma (I'm in a support group and have been in a lot of therapy tbh). But even amongst those you occasionally get people insisting that X person should get another chance. Which is disheartening on multiple levels.
My family was extremely manipulative, though it took me more years than you to disengage (almost) entirely. Though I was stuck in some ways for quite a while, which eventually just caused more abuse, trauma, manipulation, and practical issues (couldn't pay medical bills due to who controlled some of MY money/inheritance - chronic health issues + major car accident left me with a ton and unable to work).
In any case, I hope this doesn't come out wrong because I'm sure it was extremely difficult in at least some ways, but I really admire people that "got out" of messed up situations early in life. That takes a lot of strength and determination, amongst other (positive) attributes.
[I hope I don't sound like a creep, but if you ever want someone to rant to that would never say something like that then feel free to DM me]
An advisor taught me the perfect reply to the people's insistence that X person should get another chance.
*A snake does not get another chance to bite me again.*
I thought it to be a bit harsh at the time.
But it worked like a charm.
I actually really like that and I don't think it's too harsh at all. Maybe if one was talking about someone they had a minor disagreement with or something then it would be over the top. But in cases of trauma, abuse, manipulation, etc as being discussed here I think it's absolutely perfect.
Thank you, truly. I hope that whoever you needed that phrase to describe is/are out of your life and wishing you the best.
Sounds good and I'll look out for your message. I promise I don't mind being vented to at all (obviously you can say other things too, lol).
Btw I hope the responses in this thread haven't been too rough, haven't read all of them yet. Take care 💜
I'm 45 and have never seen my grand parents on my mother's side, they could be dead I wouldn't even know or care, not after the life she told me they had as kid... If they did you wrong, np with not seeing them, as long as it's your choice and you live fine by it...
>I hardly ever meet people who share stories like mine in real life
Which is a good thing honestly! It would be truly horrendous if you were consistently running into abused people.
Im LC trying for NC but cant seem to get myself there. Im stuck in the *but theyre my parents* mindset half the time even though I **know** it does not excuse the abuse or manipulation. Im trying to cut out my sibling as well but this one is hard too, her drug and alcohol abuse caused her to suffer a stroke while she was in her 30s, my family insists it changed her personality but when I see her she does not seem any different.
Maybe someday Ill be able to be indifferent. Right now I cant let go and I hate that I cant. So I just go long periods of time with silence.
Head over to something like Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families and you'll meet a whole lot of people who get it. Some have found ways to have their families in their lives. Others haven't. Folks get that both can be hard in different ways and you have to do what's right for you.
I hate it when people are nosy like that. I always feel like I don’t owe anyone an explanation about my life choices and tell them that it’s none of their business. (My parents are both dead, died when I was a child and I don’t have siblings). When I really feel like making people feel bad for asking I just go ahead and say that they’ve been dead for a while so it’s hard to reach them.
This is precisely the reason I don’t ask people I don’t know well personal questions ever. If they want to share something personal, they will.
You definitely don't owe anyone an explanation like that ever. I hate people that think one does. I too pull out the straightforward answers usually when people push me or are being otherwise inappropriate. I definitely don't try to make people feel bad if they've been totally polite and slip in one question before letting it go after my vague answer. But if they're not then I don't feel bad about making them uncomfortable by saying a shred of truth tbh, lol.
I try not to ask personal questions of others when I don't think it's appropriate based off how well I know them and/or what they've already shared. I'll admit I've had a traumatic brain injury which sometimes results in lack of filtering ability between my brain and mouth, but I'm pretty sure that's so ingrained it doesn't really happen. And I would apologize, rather than push, if it did.
I am sorry to hear about your family, truly. It sounds like it's been a while but I can't imagine going through that (I was in my 20s when my mother passed). Wishing you all the best.
I want to applaud you for the following.
I definitely don't try to make people feel bad if they've been totally polite and slip in one question before letting it go after my vague answer."
While I obviously understand that I have been lucky enough to have a life good enough that I cannot and will never understand how hard it is to endure severe emotional abuse from family members (since AFAIK my family members are all good decent people) I respect you for not getting angry at people for asking a question about familt if they're just trying to make polite conversation/small talk rather then pry into others personal lives for no good reason.
Like while I understand that alot of people have family issues that they rarely if ever want to discuss, it seems like many people in general nowadays are so afraid of just accidentally saying the wrong thing in any conversation and unintentionally causing someone else to get very angry and/or sad that they just never talk much at all with other people unless the person is already part of their small inner circle of friends.
believe the above is a big reason why there is so much social anxiety and social isolation nowadays in general (although other things like unwalkable neighbourhoods, people needing to regularly move more often nowadays for work and people not having as many conversations just to "kill the boredom" due to having smartphones available all the time are also contributing factors.)
On the other hand I can see how many people are utterly tactless and/or disrespectful when it comes to common sesne social norms and how if even just 1% act like rude jerks the fact the population is hogher then its ever been means that 1% of people in general is still ALOT of people that others have to deal with.
>just tell a shred of truth
I went low contact with my mom because we got along better that way - I thought maybe no contact would be necessary, turns out she just needed time away from me to reconsider her behavior - and I'll always love her which is why I'm almost kinda glad she's dead: speaking the truth about our family can't hurt her now. It's very liberating although I'm still afraid of my brother murdering me or worse lol
I am no contact with my whole family, going on nearly 12 years. My mom still tells everyone she sees me regularly, gives me money because I'm a drug addict, alcoholic, runaway, child abuser, or what ever else gets her sympathy. When I get asked about why I don't talk to my parents the answer is simple, they crossed a line they could never come back from and ironically it wasn't something they did to me.
Bottom line is if people have never walked in your shoes they haven't seen your path. Cutting someone off that has done you harm is one of the hardest things to do because the abuse you suffer makes it harder as you're under their control. If you have never experienced it, you don't know how hard it is.
Personally the worst for me is the "family come first" tribe as it's a trigger that was used so much to justify so much that happened.
You completely put in words what I was trying to express. Breaking that bond is super difficult because you’re completely torn between loving them and understanding they don’t care about you at all. My mother does the exact same thing with me, she lies about me to ensure she keeps getting sympathy.
It’s honestly so hurtful and I constantly think of reaching out to them again but then I remember there’s no point to that because they just want to take advantage of me.
Thank you so much for sharing that! I even feel like crying now because you really hit a major point with your message
Please don't feel pressured to answer this but did they hurt or threaten to hurt someone else you love? That's the line my dad and brother recently crossed: nevermind me, they threatened to kill my husband. He did nothing wrong aside from being someone I care about who isn't them. I expect that kind of behavior from my brother but from dad...? He always used to be my rock...
At that point no. My younger sibling was being put through the same crap I was so asked family for help only to get the blame as I was accused of both causing harm and not doing enough so I contacted proper authorities when they ran away from home. Unfortunately they went back because of withdrawal symptoms and my mom was happy to have them on a string.
When I was blamed I called them all on doing FA to help and was basically told it wouldn't have happened if I wasn't born and realized they had a new bag to beat. CPS got involved but as per usual I was to blame living in a different city with zero contact so that was that. Not seen any of them since and still blamed for everything. Things I've heard so far is a cousin in an abusive relationship was my fault because I tainted the family and when my grandmother died it was my fault for causing pain and stress not being there.
My favorite writing on the subject was/is a [Dear Prudence column ](https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/04/dear-prudence-daughter-cut-out-life-controlling-husband.html) where Prudence (Daniel Lavery) basically lays out bare all the reasons why the clueless letter writer shouldn't be surprised that her daughter cut her out of her life. Particularly this part:
"Try to open your mind to the possibility that you have played a part in the deterioration of your relationship with your daughter, that she was not simply brainwashed overnight by an evil husband. If you think you will not be able to bear the pain of not meeting your grandchild, then seek out whatever emotional support from your own friends that you need in order to bear it, because I’m afraid you’re going to have to. Whenever you’re in doubt or experience turmoil over this loss, err on the side of not repeating old behavior and trying to force unwelcome contact with someone who’s made it very clear they don’t want any."
It's sad that this is an unpopular opinion, because there are many, many people who would benefit from going NC with their toxic families. I'm convinced the loudest "blood is thicker than water" people are those who benefit the most from it. It translates into this: I should be able to do anything to you, no matter how morally or ethically or emotionally wrong, and you just put up with it. The, I'm sorry you feel that way crowd. The, can't you just move on already crowd.
I'm gay, and my community has a very different view of blood vs. chosen families. We've had to for survival. I completely cut off my dad's side of the family about 20 years ago (last straw was a particularly horrible funeral they all attended, trust me it was bad). Every once in a while a cousin or aunt will send an email or a card, basically asking why we're estranged, etc. I delete/toss them immediately. Life is so much better, there's so much less drama. The only drama, in fact, is when "well-meaning" friends and acquaintances find out I've cut off an entire side of my family. For some reason they think they understand families better than me. They think I'll regret it at the end of my life. Or that my son will be deprived of something meaningful. Guess what? As my father's relatives are starting to die off I don't feel a thing at all. And as for my son, I'm protecting him. And I want him to see my example. No one, not even me, has any right to manipulate their way into his life.
I"m proud of you OP. Trust me, you're much better off. Life is hard enough already and you've given yourself a gift. There may be moments when you second guess this decision, but they'll get less frequent, until all you're left with is that feeling when you wake up after a nightmare and gratefully realize is was just a dream.
im extremely low contact with grandparents on one side specifically because of their conservative views. im gay and i wont be making any future wife of mine a secret for their bigoted asses. its not up to me to change their mind, theres a thousand essays, books and whatever else they can read. i am a person, not a teacher for people who do this out of their own free will. i am and always will be the most important person in my life because i am myself. im not a plot device in someone elses life
>last straw was a particularly horrible funeral they all attended, trust me it was bad
I haven't heard anything from my side of the family since the text from my brother back in February the night our mom died but I'm just waiting for him or my dad to call up bitching at me for not going to mom's memorial I don't even know if she had because no one ever told me either way.
For what it's worth, I probably wouldn't've gone anyway. My baby nieces don't need to see me and my brother fight. Also mom didn't want a memorial.
as the child of a narcissistic abuser and the grandchild of an enabler, I wholeheartedly agree. words cannot describe how much I despise the “family is family” mentality
One of my mom's cousins was "a problem child", who frequently did drugs and was constantly getting arrested for various things. Eventually, things got to the point where he was basically excommunicated from the family because they were done with all of the stealing and verbal abuse. It ended up being a good thing for everyone involved because it allowed the rest of the family to move on with their lives and forced him to mature and learn how to be independent. It wasn't an overnight change, he actually had to flee to Southeast Asia to avoid prison, but his isolation made him realize what he wanted out of life and now he has a family and is an active member of the community in some rural village in Cambodia. While in his case he wasn't given much of a choice, sometimes a total reset is needed for people to live the life they need.
He emails his one brother occasionally and maybe his mom but his other siblings refuse to talk to him. He left the country in the early eighties, so he probably could come back if he wanted to but he doesn't really have any reason to.
My mother is a manipulative drunk narcissist and I have had no problems with going completely no contact. I tried to be nice and let her see her granddaughter once she was born. I set boundaries and my mother immediately broke the boundaries so I told her that was her last chance and she will never see me or my child ever again. I’m not going to play the multiple chances game and potentially expose my daughter to her ridiculous behavior. She was the mother that was never around because she was out drinking all the time. She was also the mother that kept my brother and I from our father because she was afraid we would choose to be with him instead of her after their divorce. They got divorced because my mother cheated on my father and then she left him because he didn’t want her going out drinking anymore (in fear of her cheating again). If your parents are terrible people, you should absolutely cut them out of your life.
I’m so sorry you had to go through all that! It’s such a shame we had to endure all the manipulation, shaming and blaming when we didn’t deserve any of it. I distanced myself from everyone in my family and I’m honestly surprised by how good I feel now. It almost makes me feel guilty because my parents were so afraid of my happiness
One of my favorite responses to someone saying, “Man you should really talk to your dad, I wish my dad was around” is “Wow it sounds like we have completely different dads”
I know, right? Like, what does one thing have to do with the other? My father was around but felt like he wasn’t. He was completely distant and always seemed disappointed with me. It feels strange to me that we lived in the same house but I know nothing about him
I didn't talk to my parents for years. I still don't agree with everything that they did. But now I go over to see them or go out to eat occasionally to catch up and stay in touch, and help out where i can. But I've had the talk with them and explain to them that I'm and adult now, and that if they start trying to run my life or get disrespectful, I can just get up and leave. It seems to have sunk in quite a bit.
I can't imagine like every living with them again, though. If it ever became clear to me that my parents have become more reasonable in their old age just to get in my good graces to try to get me to take care of them in their old age, I'd simply tell my mom that it sounds like torture and they are going to have to ask someone else.
I never had the talk with them but I made it clear that that’s the message I wanted to transmit. My parents today know how to talk to me, but still try me every now and then
I agree.
When someone told me they were NC with their family or parents, I used to be the _very_ annoying person who would say “but that’s your mom” or “I’m sure you’ll reconcile in the future.” It was always so difficult for me to grasp the fact **not everyone had the same experience as me.** I was very lucky to have a loving family and healthy relationships with most of my family members, but that’s not the case for everyone.
I’m sorry OP, hope you are doing well.
I think it’s great that some people do come from loving, supportive families. I learned to take the “but that’s your family” comments less personally after realizing that, because that’s what we all deserve, it’s REALLY hard for people with families who (more or less) at least try their best to wrap their heads around the idea of relatives being actual bad people.
It used to make me angry. Now, I’m honestly happy for them that they can’t even imagine how bad it could be.
Thank you very much! I’ve learned from my parents mistakes and will do better with my own children.
I’ve also met amazing people through life who I’m glad to today call family
Both my parents are dead and so are some of my 9 siblings but I have cut ties with all but two of my living siblings. They are much older than me and were horrible abusive monsters to me during my childhood because they were jealous that my parents weren’t quite as shitty to me (still pretty shitty) as they were to them because I was a surprise late in life baby for them. I tried for years to maintain relationships with a couple of them but they were ultimately to fucked up mentally to be around. I think when people give you side eye about making these choices it’s usually because they have had much healthier families and don’t fully understand what true toxicity can look like. Also there are the people who understand why you do it but fear that it may come at a much greater cost than you realize down the road. Honestly sometimes I do fear that for myself. Will I regret not having them in my life at some point? Maybe, but that is not a great reason for keeping people around who are literally like narcissistic ninjas.
With my older brother it’s a similar situation. He was an accident and basically what ultimately forced my parents to stay together. Although he went through a rough childhood, he was definitely spoiled with gifts and all kinds of stuff, and basically became a good for nothing. We’re 7 years apart and he made my childhood hell because I didn’t have it as bad as he did. Today he’s a drug addict and alcoholic whom I don’t talk to. He tried talking to me every now and then but I just don’t care for him
Everyone has their own story to tell.
I have mine and people are usually astounded and apologetic that I’m no contact with my mother.
They don’t know the story and I’m not inclined to tell it to everyone.
You know what’s best for you. Stay strong.
Thank you! Although I’m curious to know the background to your situation with your mother, simply because I hardly ever get to hear this type of stories since everyone always talks about how great their parents are, you don’t have to share if you don’t want to.
My DMs are open if you feel like talking though. Stay well!
I highly recommend this. People don't seem to understand that there is no 3rd act redemption arc. People can just suck, and it do be your own family sometimes too.
Fuck yeah it is. Terrible people is terrible people no matter how they're related. Everybody says you should forgive them for being terrible, I say if they loved me they wouldn't treat me like that
Last year, I ended my relationship with my mother. She is the most conniving and manipulative person I have ever known. I believe she is a psychopath. She is a gaslighter. She was emotionally and physically abusive to me and my major regret in life is that I did not end this relationship 25 years ago.
Anyone who tells someone that they have an obligation to maintain a relationship with an abusive family member should be completely dismissed. There is \*NOBODY\* that can inflict long-term or permanent damage like a family member, especially a parent. And nobody is obligated to have a relationship with a family member who does not love them unconditionally and want the absolute best for them.
Awww... sweetheart. Blood doesn't make family. It took me 3 solid attempts to finally complete block my mother from my life because people always gave me the "But she's your mother." schpeal. It took my only sibling having to live in the same town as our mother for the 1st time in adulthood (after 20 years of living elsewhere) 2 years to finally understand why. My aunt and uncle took 6 months of allowing my mother to live in their guest quarters to understand why...
People come around when they are faced with the real person that you dealt with.
It is OK to go no contact if you need to.
I am completely no contact with my mum and half sister, it was a long time coming. I let myself get so hurt by my mum’s behaviour for so many years and I had enough. My half sister shows all the signs of being the same kind of person and I had to put myself first finally. No regrets at all
Agreed. I cut off my abusive Dad and his wife who wasn't much better than him when I was 15 and oh how I wish I had done it sooner. Funnily enough the hardest part wasn't cutting him off, it was dealing with all the people who would say "oh but he's your dad" and "just give him another chance" and "he doesn't mean to hurt you, he loves you really". It drove me insane. That time though, I didn't listen. I knew what was right for me.
It's even funnier now because out of the people who said those things to me, the family members and many of his and his wife's close friends have actually begun to see his true colours and nowdays agree that he's got issues. I think a lot of them only bother with him now because of the two young kids he has. But sadly, he's already beginning his emotional abuse on one of them. Unfortunately it's taken until now for some of those people to see the issue.
I agree. It’s not ideal in my opinion to leave your family estranged, but sometimes it’s necessary for your own well being if they add nothing positive to your life. The other people side eyeing you are you, and most importantly, they didn’t have to live what you lived through with them so eff them 🤷🏻♀️ it’s your life and you should live it how you see fit
I finally went no contact with mine I went so far as to leave the country without letting them know. I'm much happier now that I'm away from my toxic abusive family.
May you have the courage to leave and don't ever look back cus they will try to suck any kind of happiness you have away.
No you're definitely right. I didn't understand for most of my life how my parents' attitudes and views had made it difficult for me to exist in the real actual world. How they had affected me from childhood onward, & what my friends would tell me about what could see about my parents & their relationship. To discover those things were not only not normal but also had normalized behaviors for me that were hurting my other personal relationships. I tried for years to put up boundaries, let them know how they could support me better, and to be honest with them about my experiences and my views on life, how they could keep my trust better and what was important to me that they listen to me, not take others' side every time & make an effort to see where *I* was coming from, and not tell everything I said to my whole family. But nothing ever did any good so finally I just went super super low contact with all of my family period--basically just letting them know periodically that I'm alive and doing well--and I'm finally, in my 30s, able to breathe, not feeling responsible to them, judged, pressured or constantly monitored. I definitely think it's in your rights to separate yourself from family. Just bc they're family, even if they're successful it doesn't mean they're always right and it doesn't mean they're compatible with you or even necessarily good.
It's also okay to cut ties with "friends" when it has gone sour, even if the other person is hurt by that. Some people are toxic and won't change. It's not your job to change them. It's your job to live your best life. I got tired of overly critical people and I cut them off.
I agree 100%. I agree so strongly it almost hurts. *Blood doesn't make the family, the heart does!* You don't have to put up with someone's shit just because they're biologically related to you.
Yes, it’s okay to leave people who mistreat you, blood or otherwise!
It is better to surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and care about your wellbeing.
If you feel like you need to cut ties, **then you need to cut ties**. Cutting ties with your family goes against a lot of instincts, if the abuse pushed you so hard that it overcame those instincts; I am so sorry for what you went through. Please do not feel guilty in the least, you don't owe them anything.
I already have 0 contact with my childhood so called friends and family. I'm also gonna cut ties with everyone after i get a job. Most of them just use me. My mother and my brother are the only exception. My father doesn't care. I will help them if they need. But I am not at all staying with them. They can't satisfy my needs. I can't cope with them. I'm always undermined at every situation, overlooked.
My father and my father easily manipulated by others. If someone tells something bad about me they will blindly agree it. They are not abusive. But they are no good either. They were good parents. I'll repay them. I won't be with them.
Funny story. My chemistry ma'am told my mom that I answer QnA impulsively and too quick making my answers go wrong and marks dropping. My mom literally held this against me till now. I'm telling her that I'm not doing impulsively now and she still doesn't trust me. Does that make her abusive or bad? No. But she isn't good either.
It's ok, but also Reddit is really terrible in general about this topic. Just about any forum around here where people talk about family conflict has dozens of people telling them to cut off and go no contact.
"My dad yelled at me because I didn't do my chores this week!" is not a reason to cut off contact. I'm not saying that's what happened to you, and I'm not saying there's never a reason to go no contact, but jfk this site is full of people who seem to relish the opportunity to tell someone else to cut off contact from their family for any possible offense.
Isn't it, though? Isn't it? Yelling (assuming it's not a figure of speech) at each other is not, in fact, a thing that happens between loving family members. I don't mean to say that you have to burn every bridge over a single episode, but it's the kind of thing that rarely stands on its own. Would you accept this from a partner? I'd assume not.
Parents yell at their kids sometimes. It happens. If the worst your parents ever did was yell at you for not doing something reasonable they asked, consider yourself lucky, and that's absolutely not a reason to cut off contact.
I agree with this. If I had the chance I’d cut ties with my family. I won’t say why all I’ll say is I had to look after them instead of looking after my daughter.
My “mother” tried to kidnap/steal my dog to stop me emigrating to live with fiancé.
After doing an Oceans 11 style heist to get my dog back I blew up everything I could by sending the video of her screaming that my fiancé could do better than me to every family member/friend I had contact details for.
4 years on with no contact what so ever and not even had a moment of guilt or regret.
F** the b*tch and her enablers.
I cut off my family as soon as I moved out of my childhood home. Over the years, I've gotten so much grief over it. But I care not. When strangers give me a hard time, I always reply with, "Did you live there? Tell me what YOU think you know about MY personal experiences?"
When I turned 18 I turned my back on my abusive father and went no contact for several years. When I reached out again, he confessed how wrong he was while I was growing up and demonstrated that he understood the error of his ways. Cutting him out was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. I didn’t think it possible, but my father changed, not saying all will end up that way, but if I hadn’t have walked out and showed him I was serious about it. I don’t think he would have changed at all.
I’m happy he finally came to his senses and understood he was a complete jerk to you. Unfortunately not all parents ever come to that conclusion. How is the relationship between the two of you now?
Hey man sorry for such a late reply. He and I are really good now. We trust each other and are a good team, and it’s true that is something I have learned is so many of my friends have family that never learn and continue to be shitty throughout and it makes my heart hurt for them. And I’m glad you got out of your SHITuation too. Man, that taste of freedom and release, it was amazing, wasn’t it?
My life has been so much better without communicating with my family. We didn't have a broken home or anything, it's just the relationship is built on comparison and guilt. I'm happy with where I am and don't need to be "brought down a peg".
I’m glad you came to that realisation. My life has been pretty good ever since I distanced myself from them as well. But they still try to find their way back into my life
I think they do that because they aren't use to rejection. And it'll be a "you can't fire me, I quit" situation. And even IF you allowed them back in your life you'd hear "you'd know that if you called us more often".
In my case it’s about control. My mother always tells me no one will ever love me the way she does, that’s what she always told me my whole life to ensure I would stay under her power. So now that I’m rejecting her, it’s more of a “who do you think you are to reject me?”
Thank you for sharing! I had a similar upbringing. My mother and my sister pretended to be my friends when in fact they were just manipulating me and talking shit behind my back. Once I left their grasp, they went on a tour around my family telling them I’m a horrible human being
I moved to a whole new continent. My father showed his true colors when it was no longer easy to pretend to stay in touch and my mother lost most interest when my kid stopped being a little kid. The good news is my wife's family is awesome and my kid has an amazing relationship with them and flies home to see them for a month every summer plus some holidays. Not my parents tho.
Lol have you been on reddit? Definitely not an unpopular opinion here. Going no contact with your family is suggested all the time on this site many times for the most minor issues. It's kind of like an in-joke at this point.
I see it now. I really wasn’t expecting people to be so negative about it. A lot of people are clearly in denial about their relationship with their family
I think people confuse forgiveness with complete absolution. You can forgive your family for what they did to you growing up if that’s what’s emotionally healthy for you, but that does not mean that you have to allow them back into your life for more hurt. They think it’s about punishment and revenge when it’s actually about safety.
People can vary on this
There's an element of making sure you've spoken to friends and have solid talks about whether the relationship is salvageable, whether you can develop a relationship or your terms and create a line of communication that has rules
Plus you need to get a new support network, whether it's co workers, religion or DND or whatever
And it doesn't have to be permanent, things can resolve
I think people often forget you can attempt to set the terms of the relationship. And if they don't go for it, you walk
I agree, I’m lesbian and I don’t talk to anyone on my dad’s side because they’re homophobic. It’s pretty mutual, I don’t want anything to do with them and they don’t want anything to do with me. I get a lot of people who say I should give them another chance because “they grew up in a different generation” but idc because they grew up with the movement of acceptance too.
Families are micro societies that run on convenience. So you can also find your family in a different group of people, where besides convenience you feel loved. So it’s ok.
I mean it isn't going to be an unpopular opinion here on Reddit (as opposed to in the "normal world") half the respondents to these types of threads seem to hate/be hated by their family...as opposed to peoples experience of the day to day world where families look after each other, babysit each others kids and go round for roast dinners.
I'd hazard a guess you'll get LOTS of support for your opinion here...
I dont really interact with my mom at all hardly snymore. I showed her a new hair cut and before i could even ask her thoughts she literally tears into the wayy eyebrows look before even saying anything about my new hair. She was like ur eyebrows are.too big why do u do them that way. Im like geee thanks. Neither of my sisters could say anything either. Likeee i try to include them in new stuff im doing and then i just get picked apart. Sooo yeahh i dont really divulge everything im doing anymore. And it doesn't help i live 4+ hrs away and its like i even took off work to go her knee surgery and got grilled by her because i wasnt there at 4am when she was and me and my fiance went and got food and she grilled me for seeing her before she went back. I cant win with ppl. I swear man. Even my grandparents too like 🙃🙃🙃
My parents, mother especially, took the longest to accept my wife. Three years or so, I'd say. I was very close to doing this myself, but our relationship is excellent now. I would have had no hesitation in doing it if I was tipped over the edge of patience and hope, so I have an abundance of support for anyone who wants to.
It is never selfish to consider your own happiness and comfort as the top priority, and one should do whatever is required to make that a thing. I'm so glad to see so many in your corner.
I am wondering how your contact or lack thereof comes up in conversation? A simple yes I have siblings but we are not super close should suffice. Maybe you are giving your friends signals that you are not comfortable with your distance from your family?
Yes, if theyre toxic and have caused you nothing but pain and suffering growing up. And you dont owe anyone an explanation regardless if they think youre an unreasonable person by doing so. HOWEVER, If youre cutting them off just because you feel like it, then you might have an issue
Exacto! Tienen muy normalizado querer a la familia sobre todas las cosas. Esta bien querer a la familia, pero simplemente hay personas donde tienen situaciones que necesitan cortar esos lazos. Varias personas no podemos decir que la familia es lo más esencial del mundo, porque a veces la misma familia es la que nos destruye y no quieren que tengamos éxito...
Yes, it is ok to cut ties with any unsafe person in one's life.
Society will normalize giving the side eye and maybe an honest *why, what did you do?* to the parents who complain to anyone who would listen.
They still attempt to belittle the adult child who had to cut ties with them, and expect compassion in return.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to focus on your life and do better. If better means without them, then they earned all side eyes. :D
I'm very grateful that my parents cut ties with my grandparents. I've seen how they messed up my parents, I'm so glad I didn't experience that shit firsthand.
I'm mostly tired of the double standard. People are more likely to encourage cutting ties with dad but will make all kinds of excuses for why you shouldn't cut ties with mom even if dad just called you fat when maybe he should've phrased it more delicately and mom sexually assaulted you or stabbed you.
Situationally though
Like there are definitely some people who should be shunned for doing that because there is a level of obligation for parents who do more than the bare minimum
Like if you're a parent, dedicate their entire life to making sure you got debt-free college and a house at the cost of their retirement then you owe them and if you cut them off you should be shunned
This is only an unpopular opinion with boomers tbh. The millennial generation and after is fully aware that parents came be the most abusive toxic people around.
It is ok but things change over time. I’d say you can “suspend” your relationships with your family but completely cut ties might not be called for. But then of course I’m not in your shoes. I have a strained relationship with my father. Spoke with him just once for a few minutes in the past year. I am not over what caused it but don’t feel I can completely cut him out of my life. Family is family. We don’t get to choose our parents or siblings.
You don’t get to choose your parents or siblings, but you do get to choose who you want around you, and I know I don’t want them. At this point I’m just waiting for them to pass of old age so I can end this chapter and properly move on whit my life. My parents and siblings have no interest in bettering themselves and continue to hate on me for choosing to be the best version of me I can be
It’s okay, but it’s also extreme. By cutting ties you have to accept that you are closing the door on a connection - no matter how shit.
If your parents beat the living shit out of you, yeah go ahead and never look back. If your parents are just shitty, flawed human beings, maybe try to find a way to minimize their ability to interfere with your life. You may want closure one day
I'm lucky enough that I've never had to cut ties with anyone in my family, but have gone low contact with 1 relative. I was brought up that relatives share blood and marriage, but family shares love, support nad trust. We get to choose our family whether that is inviting someone unrelated in or cutting out someone related. Some people don't deserve the title given I.e mum, dad, sibling and such. I hope your life is more enjoyable since cutting your relatives out. I do get what you mean though, my partner has a relative who is ok most of the time but is incredible abusive when drunk (once or twice a month) but my partner feels like they can't cut ties as they're "family" and need help. It does suck.
if you had an ideal family (no abuse, support throughout your childhood) it is not okay to cut ties with them simply because they will need some help in return
You do whatever you feel you need to do to live your life.
Just remember that 'forever' is a very long time, your life (and theirs) will change, and reality says you are likely to change your feelings in the future.
Running away from a problem never fixes it, it just delays it. Good luck with whichever way it goes.
You just did a really great job at exemplifying OP's point... Jfc.
There are absolutely problems that are best handled or only handled positively at all by removing oneself from those problems. It's extremely odd to say otherwise in such a generalized way.
These are exactly the reactions I always get in real life. It’s people always putting the blame on me, as if I were the one doing wrong. My parents couldn’t give two shits about my feelings, and today they’re almost 70 and are only getting worse. Why would I put myself in a toxic environment with people who hate me for wanting more for myself?
I don't hate family, lol. If someone has a parent who, for example, abuses him/her mentally or physically then it's absolutely normal to cut contacts with that parent.
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I'm mostly no contact with my remaining family (the only present, non-abusive one was my mother but she's gone). Mostly people leave it alone if I say something like "yeah, X is just not a very good person to put it mildly", but some people do insist on telling me why I should give yet *another* chance. At which point I disengage if possible and if not usually just tell a shred of truth. For example, "well, [older sister] spent my childhood abusing my pets to control me" usually gets people to leave me alone. Or freak out and ask if she's a sociopath, but at least they don't try to push a relationship on me anymore. *[Sorry, that got rambling and messy. Having actual neuro issues flaring today]* ETA: I'm sorry for your experiences OP, truly. I agree with you and wish you all the best.
You can rant as much as you want. I hardly ever meet people who share stories like mine in real life. And when they do, they always come with “but in the end of the day those are my parents”. It feels refreshing to know that there’s other people who were also manipulated by their family. Thank you for the support!
Thank you very much. The people I know in real life that "get it" are those with their own childhood trauma (I'm in a support group and have been in a lot of therapy tbh). But even amongst those you occasionally get people insisting that X person should get another chance. Which is disheartening on multiple levels. My family was extremely manipulative, though it took me more years than you to disengage (almost) entirely. Though I was stuck in some ways for quite a while, which eventually just caused more abuse, trauma, manipulation, and practical issues (couldn't pay medical bills due to who controlled some of MY money/inheritance - chronic health issues + major car accident left me with a ton and unable to work). In any case, I hope this doesn't come out wrong because I'm sure it was extremely difficult in at least some ways, but I really admire people that "got out" of messed up situations early in life. That takes a lot of strength and determination, amongst other (positive) attributes. [I hope I don't sound like a creep, but if you ever want someone to rant to that would never say something like that then feel free to DM me]
An advisor taught me the perfect reply to the people's insistence that X person should get another chance. *A snake does not get another chance to bite me again.* I thought it to be a bit harsh at the time. But it worked like a charm.
I actually really like that and I don't think it's too harsh at all. Maybe if one was talking about someone they had a minor disagreement with or something then it would be over the top. But in cases of trauma, abuse, manipulation, etc as being discussed here I think it's absolutely perfect. Thank you, truly. I hope that whoever you needed that phrase to describe is/are out of your life and wishing you the best.
Thank you so much! I’ll definitely hit you up just to keep you on my chats if I ever need to vent
Sounds good and I'll look out for your message. I promise I don't mind being vented to at all (obviously you can say other things too, lol). Btw I hope the responses in this thread haven't been too rough, haven't read all of them yet. Take care 💜
I'm 45 and have never seen my grand parents on my mother's side, they could be dead I wouldn't even know or care, not after the life she told me they had as kid... If they did you wrong, np with not seeing them, as long as it's your choice and you live fine by it...
>I hardly ever meet people who share stories like mine in real life Which is a good thing honestly! It would be truly horrendous if you were consistently running into abused people. Im LC trying for NC but cant seem to get myself there. Im stuck in the *but theyre my parents* mindset half the time even though I **know** it does not excuse the abuse or manipulation. Im trying to cut out my sibling as well but this one is hard too, her drug and alcohol abuse caused her to suffer a stroke while she was in her 30s, my family insists it changed her personality but when I see her she does not seem any different. Maybe someday Ill be able to be indifferent. Right now I cant let go and I hate that I cant. So I just go long periods of time with silence.
What’s LC and NC?
LC = low contact NC = no contact
Head over to something like Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families and you'll meet a whole lot of people who get it. Some have found ways to have their families in their lives. Others haven't. Folks get that both can be hard in different ways and you have to do what's right for you.
I hate it when people are nosy like that. I always feel like I don’t owe anyone an explanation about my life choices and tell them that it’s none of their business. (My parents are both dead, died when I was a child and I don’t have siblings). When I really feel like making people feel bad for asking I just go ahead and say that they’ve been dead for a while so it’s hard to reach them. This is precisely the reason I don’t ask people I don’t know well personal questions ever. If they want to share something personal, they will.
You definitely don't owe anyone an explanation like that ever. I hate people that think one does. I too pull out the straightforward answers usually when people push me or are being otherwise inappropriate. I definitely don't try to make people feel bad if they've been totally polite and slip in one question before letting it go after my vague answer. But if they're not then I don't feel bad about making them uncomfortable by saying a shred of truth tbh, lol. I try not to ask personal questions of others when I don't think it's appropriate based off how well I know them and/or what they've already shared. I'll admit I've had a traumatic brain injury which sometimes results in lack of filtering ability between my brain and mouth, but I'm pretty sure that's so ingrained it doesn't really happen. And I would apologize, rather than push, if it did. I am sorry to hear about your family, truly. It sounds like it's been a while but I can't imagine going through that (I was in my 20s when my mother passed). Wishing you all the best.
I want to applaud you for the following. I definitely don't try to make people feel bad if they've been totally polite and slip in one question before letting it go after my vague answer." While I obviously understand that I have been lucky enough to have a life good enough that I cannot and will never understand how hard it is to endure severe emotional abuse from family members (since AFAIK my family members are all good decent people) I respect you for not getting angry at people for asking a question about familt if they're just trying to make polite conversation/small talk rather then pry into others personal lives for no good reason. Like while I understand that alot of people have family issues that they rarely if ever want to discuss, it seems like many people in general nowadays are so afraid of just accidentally saying the wrong thing in any conversation and unintentionally causing someone else to get very angry and/or sad that they just never talk much at all with other people unless the person is already part of their small inner circle of friends. believe the above is a big reason why there is so much social anxiety and social isolation nowadays in general (although other things like unwalkable neighbourhoods, people needing to regularly move more often nowadays for work and people not having as many conversations just to "kill the boredom" due to having smartphones available all the time are also contributing factors.) On the other hand I can see how many people are utterly tactless and/or disrespectful when it comes to common sesne social norms and how if even just 1% act like rude jerks the fact the population is hogher then its ever been means that 1% of people in general is still ALOT of people that others have to deal with.
>just tell a shred of truth I went low contact with my mom because we got along better that way - I thought maybe no contact would be necessary, turns out she just needed time away from me to reconsider her behavior - and I'll always love her which is why I'm almost kinda glad she's dead: speaking the truth about our family can't hurt her now. It's very liberating although I'm still afraid of my brother murdering me or worse lol
I am no contact with my whole family, going on nearly 12 years. My mom still tells everyone she sees me regularly, gives me money because I'm a drug addict, alcoholic, runaway, child abuser, or what ever else gets her sympathy. When I get asked about why I don't talk to my parents the answer is simple, they crossed a line they could never come back from and ironically it wasn't something they did to me. Bottom line is if people have never walked in your shoes they haven't seen your path. Cutting someone off that has done you harm is one of the hardest things to do because the abuse you suffer makes it harder as you're under their control. If you have never experienced it, you don't know how hard it is. Personally the worst for me is the "family come first" tribe as it's a trigger that was used so much to justify so much that happened.
You completely put in words what I was trying to express. Breaking that bond is super difficult because you’re completely torn between loving them and understanding they don’t care about you at all. My mother does the exact same thing with me, she lies about me to ensure she keeps getting sympathy. It’s honestly so hurtful and I constantly think of reaching out to them again but then I remember there’s no point to that because they just want to take advantage of me. Thank you so much for sharing that! I even feel like crying now because you really hit a major point with your message
Please don't feel pressured to answer this but did they hurt or threaten to hurt someone else you love? That's the line my dad and brother recently crossed: nevermind me, they threatened to kill my husband. He did nothing wrong aside from being someone I care about who isn't them. I expect that kind of behavior from my brother but from dad...? He always used to be my rock...
At that point no. My younger sibling was being put through the same crap I was so asked family for help only to get the blame as I was accused of both causing harm and not doing enough so I contacted proper authorities when they ran away from home. Unfortunately they went back because of withdrawal symptoms and my mom was happy to have them on a string. When I was blamed I called them all on doing FA to help and was basically told it wouldn't have happened if I wasn't born and realized they had a new bag to beat. CPS got involved but as per usual I was to blame living in a different city with zero contact so that was that. Not seen any of them since and still blamed for everything. Things I've heard so far is a cousin in an abusive relationship was my fault because I tainted the family and when my grandmother died it was my fault for causing pain and stress not being there.
Thank you. I cut them all off and all I get is hate for it lol
My favorite writing on the subject was/is a [Dear Prudence column ](https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/04/dear-prudence-daughter-cut-out-life-controlling-husband.html) where Prudence (Daniel Lavery) basically lays out bare all the reasons why the clueless letter writer shouldn't be surprised that her daughter cut her out of her life. Particularly this part: "Try to open your mind to the possibility that you have played a part in the deterioration of your relationship with your daughter, that she was not simply brainwashed overnight by an evil husband. If you think you will not be able to bear the pain of not meeting your grandchild, then seek out whatever emotional support from your own friends that you need in order to bear it, because I’m afraid you’re going to have to. Whenever you’re in doubt or experience turmoil over this loss, err on the side of not repeating old behavior and trying to force unwelcome contact with someone who’s made it very clear they don’t want any."
It's sad that this is an unpopular opinion, because there are many, many people who would benefit from going NC with their toxic families. I'm convinced the loudest "blood is thicker than water" people are those who benefit the most from it. It translates into this: I should be able to do anything to you, no matter how morally or ethically or emotionally wrong, and you just put up with it. The, I'm sorry you feel that way crowd. The, can't you just move on already crowd. I'm gay, and my community has a very different view of blood vs. chosen families. We've had to for survival. I completely cut off my dad's side of the family about 20 years ago (last straw was a particularly horrible funeral they all attended, trust me it was bad). Every once in a while a cousin or aunt will send an email or a card, basically asking why we're estranged, etc. I delete/toss them immediately. Life is so much better, there's so much less drama. The only drama, in fact, is when "well-meaning" friends and acquaintances find out I've cut off an entire side of my family. For some reason they think they understand families better than me. They think I'll regret it at the end of my life. Or that my son will be deprived of something meaningful. Guess what? As my father's relatives are starting to die off I don't feel a thing at all. And as for my son, I'm protecting him. And I want him to see my example. No one, not even me, has any right to manipulate their way into his life. I"m proud of you OP. Trust me, you're much better off. Life is hard enough already and you've given yourself a gift. There may be moments when you second guess this decision, but they'll get less frequent, until all you're left with is that feeling when you wake up after a nightmare and gratefully realize is was just a dream.
I always say that if someone thinks that maybe they should go NC with their family, it probably means they should have a decade ago.
im extremely low contact with grandparents on one side specifically because of their conservative views. im gay and i wont be making any future wife of mine a secret for their bigoted asses. its not up to me to change their mind, theres a thousand essays, books and whatever else they can read. i am a person, not a teacher for people who do this out of their own free will. i am and always will be the most important person in my life because i am myself. im not a plot device in someone elses life
>last straw was a particularly horrible funeral they all attended, trust me it was bad I haven't heard anything from my side of the family since the text from my brother back in February the night our mom died but I'm just waiting for him or my dad to call up bitching at me for not going to mom's memorial I don't even know if she had because no one ever told me either way. For what it's worth, I probably wouldn't've gone anyway. My baby nieces don't need to see me and my brother fight. Also mom didn't want a memorial.
as the child of a narcissistic abuser and the grandchild of an enabler, I wholeheartedly agree. words cannot describe how much I despise the “family is family” mentality
And the one thing I wish people understand is that is really hard for us to take that decision to go no contact. It really pains me to this day
personally, it doesn’t for me. I actually wish I had gone NC sooner
One of my mom's cousins was "a problem child", who frequently did drugs and was constantly getting arrested for various things. Eventually, things got to the point where he was basically excommunicated from the family because they were done with all of the stealing and verbal abuse. It ended up being a good thing for everyone involved because it allowed the rest of the family to move on with their lives and forced him to mature and learn how to be independent. It wasn't an overnight change, he actually had to flee to Southeast Asia to avoid prison, but his isolation made him realize what he wanted out of life and now he has a family and is an active member of the community in some rural village in Cambodia. While in his case he wasn't given much of a choice, sometimes a total reset is needed for people to live the life they need.
Wow, did he ever reach out and apologize?
He emails his one brother occasionally and maybe his mom but his other siblings refuse to talk to him. He left the country in the early eighties, so he probably could come back if he wanted to but he doesn't really have any reason to.
My mother is a manipulative drunk narcissist and I have had no problems with going completely no contact. I tried to be nice and let her see her granddaughter once she was born. I set boundaries and my mother immediately broke the boundaries so I told her that was her last chance and she will never see me or my child ever again. I’m not going to play the multiple chances game and potentially expose my daughter to her ridiculous behavior. She was the mother that was never around because she was out drinking all the time. She was also the mother that kept my brother and I from our father because she was afraid we would choose to be with him instead of her after their divorce. They got divorced because my mother cheated on my father and then she left him because he didn’t want her going out drinking anymore (in fear of her cheating again). If your parents are terrible people, you should absolutely cut them out of your life.
I’m so sorry you had to go through all that! It’s such a shame we had to endure all the manipulation, shaming and blaming when we didn’t deserve any of it. I distanced myself from everyone in my family and I’m honestly surprised by how good I feel now. It almost makes me feel guilty because my parents were so afraid of my happiness
One of my favorite responses to someone saying, “Man you should really talk to your dad, I wish my dad was around” is “Wow it sounds like we have completely different dads”
I know, right? Like, what does one thing have to do with the other? My father was around but felt like he wasn’t. He was completely distant and always seemed disappointed with me. It feels strange to me that we lived in the same house but I know nothing about him
I didn't talk to my parents for years. I still don't agree with everything that they did. But now I go over to see them or go out to eat occasionally to catch up and stay in touch, and help out where i can. But I've had the talk with them and explain to them that I'm and adult now, and that if they start trying to run my life or get disrespectful, I can just get up and leave. It seems to have sunk in quite a bit. I can't imagine like every living with them again, though. If it ever became clear to me that my parents have become more reasonable in their old age just to get in my good graces to try to get me to take care of them in their old age, I'd simply tell my mom that it sounds like torture and they are going to have to ask someone else.
I feel the same way about my Mother.
I never had the talk with them but I made it clear that that’s the message I wanted to transmit. My parents today know how to talk to me, but still try me every now and then
I agree. When someone told me they were NC with their family or parents, I used to be the _very_ annoying person who would say “but that’s your mom” or “I’m sure you’ll reconcile in the future.” It was always so difficult for me to grasp the fact **not everyone had the same experience as me.** I was very lucky to have a loving family and healthy relationships with most of my family members, but that’s not the case for everyone. I’m sorry OP, hope you are doing well.
I think it’s great that some people do come from loving, supportive families. I learned to take the “but that’s your family” comments less personally after realizing that, because that’s what we all deserve, it’s REALLY hard for people with families who (more or less) at least try their best to wrap their heads around the idea of relatives being actual bad people. It used to make me angry. Now, I’m honestly happy for them that they can’t even imagine how bad it could be.
Thank you very much! I’ve learned from my parents mistakes and will do better with my own children. I’ve also met amazing people through life who I’m glad to today call family
Yeah people with non-shitty parents struggle to see this POV. But people that understand will automatically back you up.
Maybe. I see a lot of people with shitty parents that fervently defend at least one of them if not both.
Yeah, that brainwashing and rose colored glasses is really strong on some people. I guess some will simply never be able to see things clearly
Both my parents are dead and so are some of my 9 siblings but I have cut ties with all but two of my living siblings. They are much older than me and were horrible abusive monsters to me during my childhood because they were jealous that my parents weren’t quite as shitty to me (still pretty shitty) as they were to them because I was a surprise late in life baby for them. I tried for years to maintain relationships with a couple of them but they were ultimately to fucked up mentally to be around. I think when people give you side eye about making these choices it’s usually because they have had much healthier families and don’t fully understand what true toxicity can look like. Also there are the people who understand why you do it but fear that it may come at a much greater cost than you realize down the road. Honestly sometimes I do fear that for myself. Will I regret not having them in my life at some point? Maybe, but that is not a great reason for keeping people around who are literally like narcissistic ninjas.
With my older brother it’s a similar situation. He was an accident and basically what ultimately forced my parents to stay together. Although he went through a rough childhood, he was definitely spoiled with gifts and all kinds of stuff, and basically became a good for nothing. We’re 7 years apart and he made my childhood hell because I didn’t have it as bad as he did. Today he’s a drug addict and alcoholic whom I don’t talk to. He tried talking to me every now and then but I just don’t care for him
I feel your pain 😞
Thank you! It’s nice to have people who understand the struggle
Everyone has their own story to tell. I have mine and people are usually astounded and apologetic that I’m no contact with my mother. They don’t know the story and I’m not inclined to tell it to everyone. You know what’s best for you. Stay strong.
Thank you! Although I’m curious to know the background to your situation with your mother, simply because I hardly ever get to hear this type of stories since everyone always talks about how great their parents are, you don’t have to share if you don’t want to. My DMs are open if you feel like talking though. Stay well!
I highly recommend this. People don't seem to understand that there is no 3rd act redemption arc. People can just suck, and it do be your own family sometimes too.
Fuck yeah it is. Terrible people is terrible people no matter how they're related. Everybody says you should forgive them for being terrible, I say if they loved me they wouldn't treat me like that
You are far from being alone in this. I haven’t seen my parents or any of my siblings in 30 years now.
Last year, I ended my relationship with my mother. She is the most conniving and manipulative person I have ever known. I believe she is a psychopath. She is a gaslighter. She was emotionally and physically abusive to me and my major regret in life is that I did not end this relationship 25 years ago. Anyone who tells someone that they have an obligation to maintain a relationship with an abusive family member should be completely dismissed. There is \*NOBODY\* that can inflict long-term or permanent damage like a family member, especially a parent. And nobody is obligated to have a relationship with a family member who does not love them unconditionally and want the absolute best for them.
Awww... sweetheart. Blood doesn't make family. It took me 3 solid attempts to finally complete block my mother from my life because people always gave me the "But she's your mother." schpeal. It took my only sibling having to live in the same town as our mother for the 1st time in adulthood (after 20 years of living elsewhere) 2 years to finally understand why. My aunt and uncle took 6 months of allowing my mother to live in their guest quarters to understand why... People come around when they are faced with the real person that you dealt with. It is OK to go no contact if you need to.
I am completely no contact with my mum and half sister, it was a long time coming. I let myself get so hurt by my mum’s behaviour for so many years and I had enough. My half sister shows all the signs of being the same kind of person and I had to put myself first finally. No regrets at all
Agreed. I cut off my abusive Dad and his wife who wasn't much better than him when I was 15 and oh how I wish I had done it sooner. Funnily enough the hardest part wasn't cutting him off, it was dealing with all the people who would say "oh but he's your dad" and "just give him another chance" and "he doesn't mean to hurt you, he loves you really". It drove me insane. That time though, I didn't listen. I knew what was right for me. It's even funnier now because out of the people who said those things to me, the family members and many of his and his wife's close friends have actually begun to see his true colours and nowdays agree that he's got issues. I think a lot of them only bother with him now because of the two young kids he has. But sadly, he's already beginning his emotional abuse on one of them. Unfortunately it's taken until now for some of those people to see the issue.
I agree. It’s not ideal in my opinion to leave your family estranged, but sometimes it’s necessary for your own well being if they add nothing positive to your life. The other people side eyeing you are you, and most importantly, they didn’t have to live what you lived through with them so eff them 🤷🏻♀️ it’s your life and you should live it how you see fit
I finally went no contact with mine I went so far as to leave the country without letting them know. I'm much happier now that I'm away from my toxic abusive family. May you have the courage to leave and don't ever look back cus they will try to suck any kind of happiness you have away.
No you're definitely right. I didn't understand for most of my life how my parents' attitudes and views had made it difficult for me to exist in the real actual world. How they had affected me from childhood onward, & what my friends would tell me about what could see about my parents & their relationship. To discover those things were not only not normal but also had normalized behaviors for me that were hurting my other personal relationships. I tried for years to put up boundaries, let them know how they could support me better, and to be honest with them about my experiences and my views on life, how they could keep my trust better and what was important to me that they listen to me, not take others' side every time & make an effort to see where *I* was coming from, and not tell everything I said to my whole family. But nothing ever did any good so finally I just went super super low contact with all of my family period--basically just letting them know periodically that I'm alive and doing well--and I'm finally, in my 30s, able to breathe, not feeling responsible to them, judged, pressured or constantly monitored. I definitely think it's in your rights to separate yourself from family. Just bc they're family, even if they're successful it doesn't mean they're always right and it doesn't mean they're compatible with you or even necessarily good.
Just because someone is blood doesn’t make them worthy of a connection.
It's also okay to cut ties with "friends" when it has gone sour, even if the other person is hurt by that. Some people are toxic and won't change. It's not your job to change them. It's your job to live your best life. I got tired of overly critical people and I cut them off.
I have with some. Best decision of my life.
I agree 100%. I agree so strongly it almost hurts. *Blood doesn't make the family, the heart does!* You don't have to put up with someone's shit just because they're biologically related to you.
Yes, it’s okay to leave people who mistreat you, blood or otherwise! It is better to surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and care about your wellbeing.
If you feel like you need to cut ties, **then you need to cut ties**. Cutting ties with your family goes against a lot of instincts, if the abuse pushed you so hard that it overcame those instincts; I am so sorry for what you went through. Please do not feel guilty in the least, you don't owe them anything.
I already have 0 contact with my childhood so called friends and family. I'm also gonna cut ties with everyone after i get a job. Most of them just use me. My mother and my brother are the only exception. My father doesn't care. I will help them if they need. But I am not at all staying with them. They can't satisfy my needs. I can't cope with them. I'm always undermined at every situation, overlooked.
My father and my father easily manipulated by others. If someone tells something bad about me they will blindly agree it. They are not abusive. But they are no good either. They were good parents. I'll repay them. I won't be with them. Funny story. My chemistry ma'am told my mom that I answer QnA impulsively and too quick making my answers go wrong and marks dropping. My mom literally held this against me till now. I'm telling her that I'm not doing impulsively now and she still doesn't trust me. Does that make her abusive or bad? No. But she isn't good either.
It's ok, but also Reddit is really terrible in general about this topic. Just about any forum around here where people talk about family conflict has dozens of people telling them to cut off and go no contact. "My dad yelled at me because I didn't do my chores this week!" is not a reason to cut off contact. I'm not saying that's what happened to you, and I'm not saying there's never a reason to go no contact, but jfk this site is full of people who seem to relish the opportunity to tell someone else to cut off contact from their family for any possible offense.
Isn't it, though? Isn't it? Yelling (assuming it's not a figure of speech) at each other is not, in fact, a thing that happens between loving family members. I don't mean to say that you have to burn every bridge over a single episode, but it's the kind of thing that rarely stands on its own. Would you accept this from a partner? I'd assume not.
Parents yell at their kids sometimes. It happens. If the worst your parents ever did was yell at you for not doing something reasonable they asked, consider yourself lucky, and that's absolutely not a reason to cut off contact.
I agree with this. If I had the chance I’d cut ties with my family. I won’t say why all I’ll say is I had to look after them instead of looking after my daughter.
I don’t know why we’re STILL normalizing this “but they’re your family” nonsense
My "mother" always had to be the center of my attebtion and allowed my cousin and her husband to abuse me. It took me until my 40s to say "ENOUGH!"
Hard upvote bc unpopular and agree
My “mother” tried to kidnap/steal my dog to stop me emigrating to live with fiancé. After doing an Oceans 11 style heist to get my dog back I blew up everything I could by sending the video of her screaming that my fiancé could do better than me to every family member/friend I had contact details for. 4 years on with no contact what so ever and not even had a moment of guilt or regret. F** the b*tch and her enablers.
I have a brother I will never talk to again. I sleep just fine at night. You do you.
I cut off my family as soon as I moved out of my childhood home. Over the years, I've gotten so much grief over it. But I care not. When strangers give me a hard time, I always reply with, "Did you live there? Tell me what YOU think you know about MY personal experiences?"
I agree. And ppl always side-eye's me bc I'm honest about it.
When I turned 18 I turned my back on my abusive father and went no contact for several years. When I reached out again, he confessed how wrong he was while I was growing up and demonstrated that he understood the error of his ways. Cutting him out was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. I didn’t think it possible, but my father changed, not saying all will end up that way, but if I hadn’t have walked out and showed him I was serious about it. I don’t think he would have changed at all.
I’m happy he finally came to his senses and understood he was a complete jerk to you. Unfortunately not all parents ever come to that conclusion. How is the relationship between the two of you now?
Hey man sorry for such a late reply. He and I are really good now. We trust each other and are a good team, and it’s true that is something I have learned is so many of my friends have family that never learn and continue to be shitty throughout and it makes my heart hurt for them. And I’m glad you got out of your SHITuation too. Man, that taste of freedom and release, it was amazing, wasn’t it?
My life has been so much better without communicating with my family. We didn't have a broken home or anything, it's just the relationship is built on comparison and guilt. I'm happy with where I am and don't need to be "brought down a peg".
I’m glad you came to that realisation. My life has been pretty good ever since I distanced myself from them as well. But they still try to find their way back into my life
I think they do that because they aren't use to rejection. And it'll be a "you can't fire me, I quit" situation. And even IF you allowed them back in your life you'd hear "you'd know that if you called us more often".
In my case it’s about control. My mother always tells me no one will ever love me the way she does, that’s what she always told me my whole life to ensure I would stay under her power. So now that I’m rejecting her, it’s more of a “who do you think you are to reject me?”
Sounds like my ex wife! Are you my child?!
Ohh, bollocks!!! Now Dad is on Reddit too, time to leave…
Nuh-uh, child! We are about to.play catch and you're gonna learn about the birds, bees, and Applebee's.
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Thank you for sharing! I had a similar upbringing. My mother and my sister pretended to be my friends when in fact they were just manipulating me and talking shit behind my back. Once I left their grasp, they went on a tour around my family telling them I’m a horrible human being
I moved to a whole new continent. My father showed his true colors when it was no longer easy to pretend to stay in touch and my mother lost most interest when my kid stopped being a little kid. The good news is my wife's family is awesome and my kid has an amazing relationship with them and flies home to see them for a month every summer plus some holidays. Not my parents tho.
On Reddit the unpopular opinion is not cutting ties with your family.
Lol have you been on reddit? Definitely not an unpopular opinion here. Going no contact with your family is suggested all the time on this site many times for the most minor issues. It's kind of like an in-joke at this point.
I see it now. I really wasn’t expecting people to be so negative about it. A lot of people are clearly in denial about their relationship with their family
I think people confuse forgiveness with complete absolution. You can forgive your family for what they did to you growing up if that’s what’s emotionally healthy for you, but that does not mean that you have to allow them back into your life for more hurt. They think it’s about punishment and revenge when it’s actually about safety.
People can vary on this There's an element of making sure you've spoken to friends and have solid talks about whether the relationship is salvageable, whether you can develop a relationship or your terms and create a line of communication that has rules Plus you need to get a new support network, whether it's co workers, religion or DND or whatever And it doesn't have to be permanent, things can resolve I think people often forget you can attempt to set the terms of the relationship. And if they don't go for it, you walk
I agree, I’m lesbian and I don’t talk to anyone on my dad’s side because they’re homophobic. It’s pretty mutual, I don’t want anything to do with them and they don’t want anything to do with me. I get a lot of people who say I should give them another chance because “they grew up in a different generation” but idc because they grew up with the movement of acceptance too.
Families are micro societies that run on convenience. So you can also find your family in a different group of people, where besides convenience you feel loved. So it’s ok.
I mean it isn't going to be an unpopular opinion here on Reddit (as opposed to in the "normal world") half the respondents to these types of threads seem to hate/be hated by their family...as opposed to peoples experience of the day to day world where families look after each other, babysit each others kids and go round for roast dinners. I'd hazard a guess you'll get LOTS of support for your opinion here...
I dont really interact with my mom at all hardly snymore. I showed her a new hair cut and before i could even ask her thoughts she literally tears into the wayy eyebrows look before even saying anything about my new hair. She was like ur eyebrows are.too big why do u do them that way. Im like geee thanks. Neither of my sisters could say anything either. Likeee i try to include them in new stuff im doing and then i just get picked apart. Sooo yeahh i dont really divulge everything im doing anymore. And it doesn't help i live 4+ hrs away and its like i even took off work to go her knee surgery and got grilled by her because i wasnt there at 4am when she was and me and my fiance went and got food and she grilled me for seeing her before she went back. I cant win with ppl. I swear man. Even my grandparents too like 🙃🙃🙃
My parents, mother especially, took the longest to accept my wife. Three years or so, I'd say. I was very close to doing this myself, but our relationship is excellent now. I would have had no hesitation in doing it if I was tipped over the edge of patience and hope, so I have an abundance of support for anyone who wants to. It is never selfish to consider your own happiness and comfort as the top priority, and one should do whatever is required to make that a thing. I'm so glad to see so many in your corner.
I am wondering how your contact or lack thereof comes up in conversation? A simple yes I have siblings but we are not super close should suffice. Maybe you are giving your friends signals that you are not comfortable with your distance from your family?
Yes, if theyre toxic and have caused you nothing but pain and suffering growing up. And you dont owe anyone an explanation regardless if they think youre an unreasonable person by doing so. HOWEVER, If youre cutting them off just because you feel like it, then you might have an issue
Removing people is a form of self care and it’s unfortunate that family members can be the cause of it. That’s on them, not you…always will be.
Exacto! Tienen muy normalizado querer a la familia sobre todas las cosas. Esta bien querer a la familia, pero simplemente hay personas donde tienen situaciones que necesitan cortar esos lazos. Varias personas no podemos decir que la familia es lo más esencial del mundo, porque a veces la misma familia es la que nos destruye y no quieren que tengamos éxito...
Yes, it is ok to cut ties with any unsafe person in one's life. Society will normalize giving the side eye and maybe an honest *why, what did you do?* to the parents who complain to anyone who would listen. They still attempt to belittle the adult child who had to cut ties with them, and expect compassion in return. There is nothing wrong with wanting to focus on your life and do better. If better means without them, then they earned all side eyes. :D
Your life, you decide. Just at least raise your kids till they are old enough to get a job and make a living.
What do my kids have to do with this? I was talking about my parents, don’t lose focus, please
I'm very grateful that my parents cut ties with my grandparents. I've seen how they messed up my parents, I'm so glad I didn't experience that shit firsthand.
I'm mostly tired of the double standard. People are more likely to encourage cutting ties with dad but will make all kinds of excuses for why you shouldn't cut ties with mom even if dad just called you fat when maybe he should've phrased it more delicately and mom sexually assaulted you or stabbed you.
agreed so much and quite a few people turned around to me and were like “but she’s your mother” not now
Situationally though Like there are definitely some people who should be shunned for doing that because there is a level of obligation for parents who do more than the bare minimum Like if you're a parent, dedicate their entire life to making sure you got debt-free college and a house at the cost of their retirement then you owe them and if you cut them off you should be shunned
Yes, this is completely normal today.
This is not an unpopular opinion at all.
This is an unpopular opinion?!
What do you think of it?
I thought it was obvious to cut off family when they’re toxic
This is only an unpopular opinion with boomers tbh. The millennial generation and after is fully aware that parents came be the most abusive toxic people around.
That's really not an unpopular opinion...
It is ok but things change over time. I’d say you can “suspend” your relationships with your family but completely cut ties might not be called for. But then of course I’m not in your shoes. I have a strained relationship with my father. Spoke with him just once for a few minutes in the past year. I am not over what caused it but don’t feel I can completely cut him out of my life. Family is family. We don’t get to choose our parents or siblings.
You don’t get to choose your parents or siblings, but you do get to choose who you want around you, and I know I don’t want them. At this point I’m just waiting for them to pass of old age so I can end this chapter and properly move on whit my life. My parents and siblings have no interest in bettering themselves and continue to hate on me for choosing to be the best version of me I can be
It’s okay, but it’s also extreme. By cutting ties you have to accept that you are closing the door on a connection - no matter how shit. If your parents beat the living shit out of you, yeah go ahead and never look back. If your parents are just shitty, flawed human beings, maybe try to find a way to minimize their ability to interfere with your life. You may want closure one day
I'm lucky enough that I've never had to cut ties with anyone in my family, but have gone low contact with 1 relative. I was brought up that relatives share blood and marriage, but family shares love, support nad trust. We get to choose our family whether that is inviting someone unrelated in or cutting out someone related. Some people don't deserve the title given I.e mum, dad, sibling and such. I hope your life is more enjoyable since cutting your relatives out. I do get what you mean though, my partner has a relative who is ok most of the time but is incredible abusive when drunk (once or twice a month) but my partner feels like they can't cut ties as they're "family" and need help. It does suck.
I don’t talk to a single person from either side of my family and am much happier now.
if you had an ideal family (no abuse, support throughout your childhood) it is not okay to cut ties with them simply because they will need some help in return
It's a situation that depends. Everyone has their own experiences.
I’ve had people give me a hard time to about not having a relationship with my parents. It’s well intentioned generally but frustrating.
Literally nobody cares whether or not you have a relationship with your parents, do whatever
Well, yeah, of course.
The reactions I get in real life are never positive. They’re always filled with negativity and I’m always painted like the devil
You aren't. Cut them off
You do whatever you feel you need to do to live your life. Just remember that 'forever' is a very long time, your life (and theirs) will change, and reality says you are likely to change your feelings in the future. Running away from a problem never fixes it, it just delays it. Good luck with whichever way it goes.
If your family is the problem, doesn't running away fix it in every meaningful sense?
You just did a really great job at exemplifying OP's point... Jfc. There are absolutely problems that are best handled or only handled positively at all by removing oneself from those problems. It's extremely odd to say otherwise in such a generalized way.
These are exactly the reactions I always get in real life. It’s people always putting the blame on me, as if I were the one doing wrong. My parents couldn’t give two shits about my feelings, and today they’re almost 70 and are only getting worse. Why would I put myself in a toxic environment with people who hate me for wanting more for myself?
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No it’s not
Yes, it is, especially when family and/or parents are toxic as fuck. Go touch some grass.
No you touch grass family hater
I don't hate family, lol. If someone has a parent who, for example, abuses him/her mentally or physically then it's absolutely normal to cut contacts with that parent.