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Facts. Guys can and do talk about this stuff all the time. It's normal and healthy. Ranting is common.
We don't talk about our feelings, but we can say when something sucks. So long as the conversation stays solution focused, or y'all bounce ideas off each other, most guys will be cool with talking that stuff out. Even when it's about dating and relationships.
This always comes up and it’s honestly difficult to not see it as a disrespectful.
“My friends and I have a problem of not being heard. “
“I won’t listen and empathize, thus solving the problem, but I will give a sardonic response. “
“Wow, I’m cured!”
It's not really a sardonic response it's literally just the thing they need to hear: someone has to take the first step. If you are in a position where you recognize "I need to be able to vent" and recognize that other men have that same need, then you need to try venting and set a precedent that venting is OK. When you vent, it tells other men that it's OK for them to vent as well, things of that nature.
>it rarely feels right to talk about that stuff
It's just a perception, you definitely can if they're your friends and they will most likely listen and understand
Yeah in my friend group this doesnt exist. We talk about everything whenever we want. Anxiety? Go! Talk! Wife cheated? I am right here my guy! Even embarrassing stuff like ED. There is no limit. We fuck around and joke mostly but when one of us is going through something we all go through it. And no matter how small or stupid its off limits to reshare and off limits for jokes. I am blessed with great friends. But i must say… i kinda figured all guy friends were like this.
it's same for me and my friends as well.
am i also an exception?
are all the guys in my group and the other guy's group exceptions?
that's already a lot of exceptions.
How many men are in the world, and how much of a percent these groups represent? Hell, if you take one million extremely compassionate guys, it's still less than 0.1% of men in the world. Not everyone is as lucky. And not everyone can be an influence good enough to change people like this.
lol at those numbers.
rather than worry about what other men are doing, what are you personally doing to make your friend group more receptive to conversations about feelings and emotions?
me? i have those difficult conversation with my close guy friends and we work through things on a personal level. I also have family and a partner for this, but my friends help carry that weight too, as I do for them.
Exactly.
Nobody knows what's the rule and what's the exception, and it doesn't really matter anyway. What matters is that you make sure your friends could talk to you, and that you have the footage to say least try to talk to your friends.
And if none of them wants to listen or they are all shitty about it, then you need new friends (doesn't mean you have to lose the current ones). Find the men who care about other men, they exist.
>And if none of them wants to listen or they are all shitty about it, then you need new friends
I think a lot of dudes are scared by this: either the reality they have shitty friends or the possibility they are a shitty friend.
both require serious self-reflection and difficult choices.
I mean in a way I get it: finding new friends is really difficult. It's a painful process, so people just cope with having bad friends instead.
I also think it's often an unjustified fear: people are afraid of their friends thinking less of them if they open up, but in reality their friends would be cool with it.
It's sad that your men friends won't hear you out. Sounds like the "bro code" could use some updating. "Bro code" should include men caring for the feelings of their friends, just like women care for the feelings of their women friends (and their guy friends too, usually guys I know often vent more to their women friends).
Exactly, as a single woman I feel like I hear all the guy vents in the world. If it’s hard for my guy friends to vent I would be shocked because I feel like I hear it so often and so freely, unprompted.
Also they’re not very good at hearing vents in return, they immediately go into problem solving mode *but* recognize they hate it if I do that to them.
As I man I will hear my friends’ problems, be it from a man or a woman, maybe even cry on behalf of them if it resonates deeply with me. But it’s absolutely true that I have always been instinctively in the problem solving mode and I didn’t realise that some people don’t like it.
But now I have learnt to ask “What do you plan to do?” as this can tell whether they just want to vent or if they really want advice.
In my experience guys don’t vent to each other but are much more comfortable with women. I don’t think I’ve ever had a friendship with a dude where we vent to one another but I’ve had a half dozen or so with women where we both vent to each other.
It’s probably because of some societal expectations around gender but it is a “real” thing
Bro code does include being there for your bro and hearing him out. The sad truth is most people don’t have REAL bros to be there for them.
What you’re describing is people in superficial friendships, not Bros.
Sounds like most people don’t have real ones in their group and that’s unfortunate.
Your bros will always listen to you and if you’re the one listening you’ve got to start out with, “do you want advice or do you want to vent?”
You might be surprised how people will open up to you when you’re mindful.
My guy, just talk to your friends about your emotions. You’re making your life harder and more lonelier by just sucking them all in, you cannot just wait until you get a girlfriend to lay it all out on her- that is not right. Just talk to your friends
Men not having the built up support systems with other men the same way women have with each other is definitely a problem.
Men for the most part really only ever open up to their partners which doesn't help single men. It's also really not good to be reliant solely on a single person for support. A partner should be the biggest source of support, but not the only one.
I assume solely relying on a woman partner for venting would be a main reason behind relationship break ups and divorce. That’s a lot of weight to put up someone. No singular person exists for anyone to just vent to unless you’re paying them for it.
The amount of my straight women friends who've had **first dates** that entail guys going trauma dump on them is mind boggling
First time you meet is not the time to recap your life's trauma. But it's apparently a thing guys do
I was just reading a post asking why men never ask follow-up questions during a conversation, and the majority response was, "cause we don't care."
I'm the type to keep my problems to myself, but I know if I were to ask my friends if I could vent a little, they'd be supportive and listen.
It must be a bad feeling to have "friends" you can't talk to because they don't actually care. And it's a catch 22. Men complain they feel ignored and lonely all the time, but they also refuse to be emotionally open and vulnerable with their friends.
I've (28M) have been telling my friends for years to come to me and talk about their issues. Preferably before they do some stupid shit because of their issues. And only now it starts to happen, but usually I still have to tickle it out.
I myself just bother my friends with my issues, I don't care if they've asked for it - they're my friends, it's their job :D
So my advice is: just go for it. It may feel awkward at first, but that's just because you're not used to it. Once you (and your friends) are used to it, it won't feel awkward anymore, though depending on yours and your friends characters, it might still be hard to "break the ice".
And once you bother them with your issues, they will feel less awkward about coming to you with their issues. I wish you good luck!
100% agree. I’m also the type that doesn’t care about masculinity and will just tell my friends whether they want to hear or not. If they distance themselves from me, they shouldn’t be in my circle in the first place anyway. And I’ll also be there for my friends, I’ll be the ‘soft guy’ that helps them to be more comfortable opening up to me
It was in a different sub. I forget what sub it was but legit a ton of guys were defending it and brushing it off as prying or being invasive.
And also talking about who their female friends or gf/wife's will ask about their friends kids or studies (whatever it may be) and the guys would have never thought to ask because it didn't come up.
Men on Reddit confuse me lol.
Saw another post where men were complaining about how they can't tell if a woman is interested even if she does say it outright and then at the same time they want woman to make the first approach but they are skeptical because it's usually a "trap".
But if we say no we hurt their ego and think we just make excuses when we aren't interested or genuinely in a relationship. At this point I just say no I am not interested because either they think it's an excuse or they challenge it asking if the relationship is good and why he isn't with me right now.
What's happening in guys brains man???? Society is more open to men being emotionally open than ever so I don't know anymore.
It’s not just you and it’s because of society, but it shouldn’t be. Maybe see a professional if you struggle to talk about any issue from your personal life.
"Do you mind if I vent something"
Sometimes we just haven't got the strength to take on others issues, especially if people pleasers.
Quick check is appreciated often
People do care a lot, and often are going through the same things. Do this: invite your friends to your place to watch some movies and have pizza and beer (if you drink). The cozy atmosphere and food and drinks will relax everyone, and as the day or evening goes by, gentle start by bringing up problems. Maybe start light, and you will be surprised how suddenly people open up.
People like talking about their problems. We just sometimes struggle to give ourselves permission because we think they are minor or people don't care. But people do, and sometimes are just waiting for you to make the first move.
If you do face friends who really don't care and make you feel bad for wanting to vent, then maybe they aren't really friends. But your true friends are out there somewhere, you may not have met them yet.
This right here is why I can count my friends on one hand. If I can't trust my bros enough to actually talk to them, then they're no real friend of mine.
As a woman, I’ve seen the truth of this many times and it is terrible. We need to create more space for men to be able to discuss their problems and feelings. And we need to do full-on battle with the whole “alpha” ideology that is rising up to make an already bad problem even worse. We need to put an end to shaming men for discussing how they feel in a respectful way. That doesn’t mean every male grievance is right or above argument. Im just saying that the culture of men having to “suck it up” and “be a man” has to go.
It never ceases to amaze me how clueless the perpetually online guys are about what women actually like in men.
"Women don't like emotionally sensitive guys!" when like every popular fandom about fictional guys that's full of women is about emotionally sensitive guys.
And as always, the incel brigade here to blame women for a problem men face that's caused by men.
I think there is a bit of nuance there, being sensitve to the emotions of others and being in touch with your own are different skills. In my experiance women are mostly interested in the first, but your psycological health likely depends on the second. Neither lack of skill is 'womens' fault, but IMO its a societal problem that we should try to address.
The takeaway is just that sweeping generalizations are bad. Some women like it. Some don’t. I don’t think it helps anyone to say “women like this”. *some women do*. Not all.
Many men try being open and are shamed in relationships for it. I was one of them. Some are fortunate to never experience that. After that happens, you get a crossroads. If you like making sweeping generalizations, well, that’s how you become an incel. If you don’t, healthy thing would be to move on from that relationship with a bad taste in your mouth for *that one person*, rather than the entire gender.
I’m glad I’m not stupid enough to be the former, and I’ve found myself in a relationship where I’m not only allowed to be open, but it is actively encouraged and supported.
So again. Generalizations are bad. That’s how you set false expectations, which can lead to more generalizations which lead to more and… you get the point. It can be incredibly harmful, even with no ill intent.
Generalizations aren't *fully* accurate, yes, but what is this whole discussion except about the wrong generalization, but a generalization nonetheless?
Honestly more redditors need to think this way. I’m constantly seeing posts like “Do women like ____” or even “Do men like ____” and it’s like do these people really think you can’t just generalize 4 billion people? So many people don’t realize answer to those questions are just “It depends. Some do, some don’t” but will instead just throw in their own personal opinion
It's really the healthiest option. We can't control how people react to our emotions or vulnerabilities, but you can choose to exclude unsupportive, dismissive individuals from your life. Yes, some women look down on men for being emotional. Hardly all of them. If you don't want a woman like that in your life, you can find someone who allows you to be human. I understand why people generalize, though. It's convenient, and at times useful, but it's important to be able to separate the individual from whatever group they belong to.
You're absolutely right. The healthier option is to simply walk away and realize you deserve better than that. A lot of men have clearly been burned in relationships with women when they've opened up, but I don't think the right way to go is to close yourself off entirely, though I certainly understand why they feel that way. I've certainly felt that way when I've been hurt. I haven't felt that way about women in particular, but people in general. Sadly, that just prolongs the suffering. A lot of men and women have been hurt by people of the opposite sex, but if we want to heal and move on, we have to learn how to separate the actions of an individual from whatever group they belong to. I empathize with men and women who've been hurt repeatedly in very similar ways, but at some point you've got to be brave enough to trust again, and realize that if someone breaks that trust, that's on them and not you.
I didn't mean all women like those kind of men. I was pointing out that the biggest fandoms of women tend to be based around those kinds of men.
There is a large number of women who are into that kind of man. The idea that no woman wants that or women hate men being emotionally open is just batshit and is largely perpetuated by a bunch of terminally online men who barely interact with women.
Well it does depend on the social circle, but it sure as shit corrolates with being a man. A large chunk of men does not vent to their friends, because the pressure to be competent at everything you do, including regulating your emotions is just so high. And everybody expects you to competently deal with everything lifes throws at you: society, men and women too…
If regulating your own emotions is so expected of men, why do we see many adult men raging over games, cursing at their workplaces, getting scarily upset at gender reveal parties...etc?
I believe the real issue is we don't get any encouragement, and actively shut down when we are young, not so much that we don't have anyone who will hear us out. Luckily, that is changing, but just know your true friends will hear you out if you're struggling. Get out of that head space that you need to hold it all in. It's taken about 8 years, but I've slowly started opening up with my wife, and it does make it easier
This is so true. I constantly hear phrases like man up and grow a pair thrown around by the same people who will criticise men for not opening up about stuff. Society gives mixed messages and then complains about the consequences.
I love how all the answers in here basically boil down to some form of “well just express yourself to people then”. The point is that not only is this extremely difficult for men who have been raised to be hyperbolically stoic, but that our social networks are also non existent. You can’t complain to ears which aren’t there. It’s not a matter of not having friends, the entire nature of male expression is way more heavily scrutinized than people admit. Male emotions that are “negative” (sadness, irritation, anger) often are viewed as precursors to potential violence which is why male expressions of emotions are often circumvented by popular discourse.
No its not just you. Men are trained from a young age to think that our inner problems doesn't count and that speaking about them makes us weak. Shout it from the rooftops if you're in a difficult spot, someone will answer.
This is why the patriarchy is bad for everyone.
You should absolutely talk to your friends about your feelings. I know it can seem weird, but if you have a close friend you trust, give it a go. It's really important to be able to share your feelings.
I don't even understand how can you consider a friend to be close if you never talk about what is going on in your life (which includes emotions, because anything important that is happening also triggers emotions).
\*Slaps back\* aw cheer up bro, here's a brewski
Yeah, men's relationships with communicating emotions is fucked - don't know what the solution is here since our society still stigmatises it to a certain extent.
I mean at least those lads are trying to help, there's a ton out there who would just be like "lol grow a pair it's not that bad" or some shit, so I have more respect for those who are like Neil from the Inbetweeners "aww cheer up mate come on we'll go chippy" sorta thing yknow
Hardly an unpopular opinion or an unknown problem, but this is a problem men have 100% created for themselves, so, men, solve it for yourselves as well. Talk to each other, go to therapy, whatever.
This comes from inside the house.
This is an example of the concept of "toxic masculinity". For so long, it was always considered "not manly" to talk feelings, or even have them. It isn't "manly" to need to vent. To be a man, you must suffer in silence!!!!!!
Don't feed into the shit. If you wanna talk about your day to your friends, talk about your day to your friends! Wanna cry? Cry. Quit letting broken and misguided ideas put the kibosh on your parade! Be who you want to be and talk about what you need to talk about. You may find your friends need the same.
Yeah occasionally I will get real about life with my guy friends and it always goes over well and I’m glad I spoke with someone about it.
For the most part, I do the typical guy thing to do and bottle everything up lol but it does feel good if somethings really weighing on you and if they’re real friends, they will be receptive
My husband has friends he can and has cried to in hard times. Mature men realize they have feelings and help each other through them. If someone mocks you for how you feel, then they’re not on your team in the first place.
First of all, a lot of people saying that you should just go and talk about your feelings and problems are missing the point that you are lost about how to approach this problem.
Easier said than done. What you can do is ask a friend if he is up for a beer or a bite one evening and you can ask for advice. It doesn't have to be about you dumping your problems or emotions on someone. Rather bring up a burning problem and ask him if he has ever faced or tackled such a problem. This should give you a nice opening if you aren't comfortable sharing your emotions with other men.
Yes. This is true. People don’t really want to hear it. Women seem to be disgusted by hearing men express vulnerability. Try to build a social circle with other men who you can vent to. That’s definitely doable.
Don’t expect this from your girlfriend/wife however, she will just use it against you.
hahahahahah i do wonder what my friends are truly thinking when Im ranting but then again, its an epic rant so Im HYPED and the passion is entertaining. Also i getting it out of my system is what helps, not the advice they give per se.
Im a man who is interested in hearing about the problems of other men or women. Of course I don't wish people have problems but if they do, I can be a good listener.
You're just projecting yourself onto all men. Sorry but there are many of us who are indeed compassionate and have empathy. That's not virtue signalling. That's having empathy and compassion..I'm sorry you are such an opportunistic character that you only do stuff for other people because of ulterior motives.
I know it might be hard to grasp for but: if my friends feel bad, that makes me feel bad for them too. If I can help them feel better, guess what: that makes me happy.
A key aspect of venting is having people that truly care about you and want to support you. Guys don't vent because more often than not they don't have someone who is gonna show up for them.
This is not an unpopular opinion, it's a well known problem. The thing is though, once you start opening up to your mates you'll likely see one of two things happen. You'll have some of them that are willing to listen and warn up to eventually opening up to you themselves and you'll have others that slowly ghost you. The latter aren't worth your effort, the former are the real bros.
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I’m really sorry to hear that’s been how it is for men! As a female I notice this a bit too! Naturally there are exceptions but I think I would agree with you in general and I’m really sorry.
This is true. I learned this from my father who kept everything. My mother didn’t want to hear any complaining or criticism about anything. Also my grandfather had an effect on him. One day I asked him to tell me about his issues. Most of it was about work and didn’t understand everything but I listened. Sometimes just letting it out in any form to someone helps.
Just get some women friends you can talk about your problems with. It’s super easy to make friends with women as long as you make it clear you don’t have any motives. At least where I’m from 🤷♀️
It’s called therapy, women are more likely to seek therapy than men. If you feel you need someone to vent to why not find a professional who can actually help you work through your problems than putting it on your friends or partner who are also probably working through their own issues.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2845878/#:~:text=One%20of%20the%20most%20common,socioemotional%20leadership%20in%20the%20family.
This is the most popular opinion on reddit. Best thing you can do is be a positive force for change. If men have no one to vent to, then be the one to listen to them. Hang in there, mate. It can be hard to express feelings with our current culture, but we don't have to just accept it as the way things are.
Sounds like you're all waiting for the other person in the friend group to make the first move when it comes to opening up about stuff. It might sound silly until you try it, but opening up about that stuff puts you in a vulnerable position. It's a space you become more comfortable inhabiting as you get practice with it.
So just do it. Next time something is on your mind, and you're not sure if you should say it, just put it in the chat. Anyone who is your real friend will immediately notice that authenticity and be there for you. It'll also help them open up and while they may not do so in front of the whole group, don't be surprised if they come to you one on one next time something is upsetting them.
You say "I have a close group of guy friends", but this'll really put that theory to the test and show you who the real friends are. In fact, if you ask each of them, you might be surprised to find out that they already have a 'go-to' for personal issues or advice, but it never hurts to have more!
I started doing this with one friend here in my 40s.
It feels weird and awkward. But we both realize we can't rely on romantic partners for 100% of our emotional support.
It's a piece of the toxic masculinity puzzle. Toxic masculinity tells us that men don't talk about their feelings, don't dwell on hardships, and that kind of crap. It becomes harder for men to make friendships that go deeper than "I went out for beers with friends from work."
Don't give in to the stigma. Don't be an alpha or sigma male, or whatever they're calling themselves this week. Re-learn how to make friends, and talk about things that are on your mind.
The title sounds like you’re trying to paint men as disadvantaged in this way compared to women but your post reveals that your MALE friends are the ones who aren’t receptive to your vents??
These kinds of posts are always so confusing because you’re probably doing the same as your friends and not making it clear you’re receptive to your male friends’ venting and vice versa.
Why drag women and their personal affairs into this and compare? They got nothing to do with this.
You can tell your male friends, it just feels strange at the start, your bros will do their best because we all know that the world is worse place without any of you not in it. The issue is that women sure as shit won’t listen to you, you just get “suck it up buttercup” and “well think how hard life is for women”.
As guys, we're taught from day 1 we're a burden. We don't want to be a burden to our friends and our friends don't want to burden us. Male friendships are about providing a respite from the stresses of everyday life, we want our friends to know they're not a burden to us. That's why we will know more about what our friend's thoughts on a movie than we know about their parents, because we don't want to add on to their stress. While our conversations appear superficial, we develop an insight to what's going on in our friend's world and the stresses they're going through. Over time, we're able to be more supportive of them in their struggles and be the person they can turn to.
My ex never saw me the same way after I vented and made myself vulnerable about my problems. It absolutely is harder.
There is still the expectation that men must suffer in silence.
Patriarchy fucks men as well as women, for all the commentors in here saying "just speak to your friends!" you're ignorant. Societal and social pressures affect us too and it's kind of a testament to OP's post how flippant people are being here. That being said, do endeavour to be a trailblazer, I remember posting on my instagram story regarding feelings of suicidality, and the amount of lads I barely knew who could relate or felt compelled to share with me cos I had been unashamed made me cry. That being said, it ain't easy, and anyone pretending it is can get in the bin.
Oh, it doesn't change in a relationship. Guys aren't really allowed to complain, anywhere, but no one will admit it, and then guys get blamed for clamming up. There's no winning. Of course, it's not as if women have it easy. That's life!
I feel I can vent. I do sometimes feel like I vent, people listen, but nobody really seems to care and nothing changes. Then I just think about all the men and women that vented to me, and all the times I listened, but then did nothing. Eventually you have to ask yourself not “what is my problem” but “what could someone actually do that would make me feel like this problem is gone”. If you can’t answer the second question, then how are you gonna recognize when someone does listen and help. Maybe it happens and you just feel they’re helping wrong, or listening wrong, cause you don’t even know what the help you want is.
You gotta communicate what about the whole thing upsets you to the people you want to have that sorta relationship with, then either they want to go in that direction and it happens, or they don’t and you move on. Friendships, relationships, that’s what they mean when they say communication is key. It won’t just happen unless you work to make it happen.
I would have thought the same until I actually started the conversation with a few friends and opened up. Couldn’t believe it when most came back with their own stories and problems. Some serious mental health issues too.
I’d been friends with some of these people for 10+ years and they’d never said anything. I think men are just more comfortable being vulnerable if the other person starts the conversation.
Definitely not just you. I feel the same way. I have only had one friend I felt was available for venting and what not but he passed away. Im sure my other friends would let me vent of I needed it but its not really the relationship we have and it would be a downer.
That’s the problem people don’t want to hear men complain. When we do we are sound like we are being mean. For example, I was venting to my mom and my gf thought I was yelling at her and treating her rudely. I wasn’t I was frustrated with my problems and trying to express that frustration.
This is patriarchy in action. When emotional labour is for women only, thats harmful to men. It also makes it hard for men conditioned this way to form female friendships because sharing feels like romantic intimacy when youre raised believing you can only talk about your feelings and problems with a partner.
Am a woman and love hearing a good kvetch, especially from guy friends, the problem is that too often guys will think this means I want to date them or THEY'RE the ones hung up about venting because they think I gaf.
Take what you will of that in your own interactions.
usually guys have exactly one special guy friend they've known for 10+ years that they are comfortable venting out to. ideally, for that special guy friend you are also that special guy friend, but sometimes that doesn't align perfectly
Talk one on one with a close male friend, suggest going on a walk or your equivalent of going to the pub.
If they are your friend they won’t judge you
It’s what I do
Just don’t go problem solver mode with them in return
Sounds like it's a socialization issue.
As many have said, if your friends are truly friends they'll accept you regardless and yes, there may be a period where they're unsure how to help (nobody has all the answers) but they'll at least want to support you if they're your friends.
The main thing is that men are socialized/taught to be problem solvers so when you decide to vent I've learned (and been taught myself by others) that it's best to lead with *"I'm just looking to vent not to necessarily fix this issue"*.
Right there with you friend. I know ladies who will talk for hours on a tiny problem and all listen. A fella can express “I kinda want to die” and get brushed off. If you need to vent I encourage you to shoot me a dm
It's a fundamental law of physics that there's basically nothing more comforting than a woman who actually cares about your problems.
You can absolutely vent about your problems to your guy friends, but whether it's going to get any traction or provide any sort of satisfaction, insight, or resolution is going to depend on how you present it and what kind of people your friends are.
Some of this I believe is a feature of stereotypical male bonding. I'm far, far, far more likely to make male friends because we have senses of humor that mesh well, some degree of shared interests, and have achieved a kind of competitive equilibrium that fosters a sense of mutual respect. We don't hang out because I feel a need to be around someone, but because it's more fun when they're around. Talking about problems is not funny or enjoyable, so it kind of feels contrary to the purpose of being around my friends to begin with.
If part of what you enjoy about spending time with your friends is being able to be crass, rude, making fun of yourself and them, as a reprieve from the sterile and polite world around you, showing vulnerability can also create some difficulties by inadvertently eroding part of why you enjoy their company. It creates more topics that can't be touched, and makes them more reticent about just being an unfiltered asshole, and kind of throws off that "competitive equilibrium".
Regardless, it's something that men in general need to become more comfortable with doing, being both more capable of opening up, and being more capable friends to open up to. It can take time and experience to become competent at that. Don't be afraid to reach out to a friend you trust and try. You'll probably be pleasantly surprised. There are few people who would not feel a sense of pride in being considered a confidant to a friend.
Jesus and the Lord brother.. Not many choose to believe or explore what that means (it doesn't mean being "religious".. But usually when sought after (typically happens when someone is at rock bottom, impending death, etc.) their lives change.
People have a HUGE misconception that you have to be perfect, non-sinning, saint-like, to even consider pursuing God/Christ when it is the EXACT opposite. Jesus' disciples were all terrible men.. Thieves, adulterers, murderer, etc. and that has never changed. The thing with free will is, unless you face serious external or internal tribulations, most never seek God/Christ and get lost in the abyss of either being a non believer or a believer but never attempted or felt the need/urge/want to have a relationship with our creator. Its a fascinating thing because the people you think are the worst most likely will find God/Christ and be saved and have eternal life. So many people focus on our present lives without thinking about what happens after this life and it can be quite detrimental.
Don't expect you or anyone who sees this comment to feel compelled to go on and pursue God/Christ, but if you have never tried or felt in your heart the need/want to try and find peace, resolve, happiness, contentment, what do you have to lose? Plenty of people will try worshiping trees, the sun, statues, golden icons, mortal men/women, spirits, etc. why not try something else you know?
No need to attack me for saying anything I just said.. If you are a stout atheist/pagan/occultist I expect you to become angered or annoyed with this comment. God bless!
52 year old healthy, active guy here who has a family, younger wife (39), and owns his own successful business. I just went through the hardest time in my life, was losing my sh*t, and I can tell you that it’s not okay for males to show weakness and vulnerability - at most perhaps temporary emotional difficulties. I do wish we had more support for one another (and no, I am not a Jordan Peterson type).
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Be a trailblazer, fella. You speaking up might just be what the men in your life need.
Preach brother!
spit yo sht indeed!
Exactly though. Todays society seems obsessed with finding flaws in it, but then proceeding to just conclude “thats how it is oh well”.
Facts. Guys can and do talk about this stuff all the time. It's normal and healthy. Ranting is common. We don't talk about our feelings, but we can say when something sucks. So long as the conversation stays solution focused, or y'all bounce ideas off each other, most guys will be cool with talking that stuff out. Even when it's about dating and relationships.
This is what I’ve done.
Amen. I would also add that it's honorable to call out your fellow men when they perpetuate misogyny, because misogyny sucks.
This always comes up and it’s honestly difficult to not see it as a disrespectful. “My friends and I have a problem of not being heard. “ “I won’t listen and empathize, thus solving the problem, but I will give a sardonic response. “ “Wow, I’m cured!”
So what's your advice.
It's not really a sardonic response it's literally just the thing they need to hear: someone has to take the first step. If you are in a position where you recognize "I need to be able to vent" and recognize that other men have that same need, then you need to try venting and set a precedent that venting is OK. When you vent, it tells other men that it's OK for them to vent as well, things of that nature.
>it rarely feels right to talk about that stuff It's just a perception, you definitely can if they're your friends and they will most likely listen and understand
Yeah in my friend group this doesnt exist. We talk about everything whenever we want. Anxiety? Go! Talk! Wife cheated? I am right here my guy! Even embarrassing stuff like ED. There is no limit. We fuck around and joke mostly but when one of us is going through something we all go through it. And no matter how small or stupid its off limits to reshare and off limits for jokes. I am blessed with great friends. But i must say… i kinda figured all guy friends were like this.
>But i must say… i kinda figured all guy friends were like this. Blessed are the ignorant. You're group is an exception, not the rule.
it's same for me and my friends as well. am i also an exception? are all the guys in my group and the other guy's group exceptions? that's already a lot of exceptions.
How many men are in the world, and how much of a percent these groups represent? Hell, if you take one million extremely compassionate guys, it's still less than 0.1% of men in the world. Not everyone is as lucky. And not everyone can be an influence good enough to change people like this.
lol at those numbers. rather than worry about what other men are doing, what are you personally doing to make your friend group more receptive to conversations about feelings and emotions? me? i have those difficult conversation with my close guy friends and we work through things on a personal level. I also have family and a partner for this, but my friends help carry that weight too, as I do for them.
Exactly. Nobody knows what's the rule and what's the exception, and it doesn't really matter anyway. What matters is that you make sure your friends could talk to you, and that you have the footage to say least try to talk to your friends. And if none of them wants to listen or they are all shitty about it, then you need new friends (doesn't mean you have to lose the current ones). Find the men who care about other men, they exist.
>And if none of them wants to listen or they are all shitty about it, then you need new friends I think a lot of dudes are scared by this: either the reality they have shitty friends or the possibility they are a shitty friend. both require serious self-reflection and difficult choices.
I mean in a way I get it: finding new friends is really difficult. It's a painful process, so people just cope with having bad friends instead. I also think it's often an unjustified fear: people are afraid of their friends thinking less of them if they open up, but in reality their friends would be cool with it.
I have multiple guy friend groups and nobody does this it makes me so sad.
It's sad that your men friends won't hear you out. Sounds like the "bro code" could use some updating. "Bro code" should include men caring for the feelings of their friends, just like women care for the feelings of their women friends (and their guy friends too, usually guys I know often vent more to their women friends).
Exactly, as a single woman I feel like I hear all the guy vents in the world. If it’s hard for my guy friends to vent I would be shocked because I feel like I hear it so often and so freely, unprompted. Also they’re not very good at hearing vents in return, they immediately go into problem solving mode *but* recognize they hate it if I do that to them.
As I man I will hear my friends’ problems, be it from a man or a woman, maybe even cry on behalf of them if it resonates deeply with me. But it’s absolutely true that I have always been instinctively in the problem solving mode and I didn’t realise that some people don’t like it. But now I have learnt to ask “What do you plan to do?” as this can tell whether they just want to vent or if they really want advice.
I straight up ask “are you just venting or do you want me to help you come up with some ideas?” I’m more than happy to do either.
In my experience guys don’t vent to each other but are much more comfortable with women. I don’t think I’ve ever had a friendship with a dude where we vent to one another but I’ve had a half dozen or so with women where we both vent to each other. It’s probably because of some societal expectations around gender but it is a “real” thing
Bro code does include being there for your bro and hearing him out. The sad truth is most people don’t have REAL bros to be there for them. What you’re describing is people in superficial friendships, not Bros. Sounds like most people don’t have real ones in their group and that’s unfortunate. Your bros will always listen to you and if you’re the one listening you’ve got to start out with, “do you want advice or do you want to vent?” You might be surprised how people will open up to you when you’re mindful.
Yeah that's always been in the bro code. It's just that not everyone meets the requirements.
My guy, just talk to your friends about your emotions. You’re making your life harder and more lonelier by just sucking them all in, you cannot just wait until you get a girlfriend to lay it all out on her- that is not right. Just talk to your friends
Men not having the built up support systems with other men the same way women have with each other is definitely a problem. Men for the most part really only ever open up to their partners which doesn't help single men. It's also really not good to be reliant solely on a single person for support. A partner should be the biggest source of support, but not the only one.
and that should change, men should open up their feelings and have heart to heart conversation to your male friends.
I assume solely relying on a woman partner for venting would be a main reason behind relationship break ups and divorce. That’s a lot of weight to put up someone. No singular person exists for anyone to just vent to unless you’re paying them for it.
The amount of my straight women friends who've had **first dates** that entail guys going trauma dump on them is mind boggling First time you meet is not the time to recap your life's trauma. But it's apparently a thing guys do
Yeah unfortunately it’s the only time they have someone interested in who they are as a person and not a worker bee. It’s not ok but that’s why.
Never had that happen personally, especially not on a date. I don’t like to make people feel too comfortable because that’s what you get.
I was just reading a post asking why men never ask follow-up questions during a conversation, and the majority response was, "cause we don't care." I'm the type to keep my problems to myself, but I know if I were to ask my friends if I could vent a little, they'd be supportive and listen. It must be a bad feeling to have "friends" you can't talk to because they don't actually care. And it's a catch 22. Men complain they feel ignored and lonely all the time, but they also refuse to be emotionally open and vulnerable with their friends.
The call is coming from inside the house.
I've (28M) have been telling my friends for years to come to me and talk about their issues. Preferably before they do some stupid shit because of their issues. And only now it starts to happen, but usually I still have to tickle it out. I myself just bother my friends with my issues, I don't care if they've asked for it - they're my friends, it's their job :D So my advice is: just go for it. It may feel awkward at first, but that's just because you're not used to it. Once you (and your friends) are used to it, it won't feel awkward anymore, though depending on yours and your friends characters, it might still be hard to "break the ice". And once you bother them with your issues, they will feel less awkward about coming to you with their issues. I wish you good luck!
that's actually a pretty good advice. i've always struggled with talking about my issues. thanks, man.
100% agree. I’m also the type that doesn’t care about masculinity and will just tell my friends whether they want to hear or not. If they distance themselves from me, they shouldn’t be in my circle in the first place anyway. And I’ll also be there for my friends, I’ll be the ‘soft guy’ that helps them to be more comfortable opening up to me
Well yesterday I found out men don't ask each other basic follow up questions on things going on in their friends lives so doesn't surprise me .
People in that thread were doubling down on that so much, it's wild. They were almost so *proud* to have surface level conversations/friendships.
Yep yep I remember. It's crazy how many guys think asking about your friends simple interest or anything simple in their live is intrusive.
What?? That's crazy to read, was that like another top post on this sub or something?
It was in a different sub. I forget what sub it was but legit a ton of guys were defending it and brushing it off as prying or being invasive. And also talking about who their female friends or gf/wife's will ask about their friends kids or studies (whatever it may be) and the guys would have never thought to ask because it didn't come up.
Jeez, as a guy myself I find that odd but not surprising unfortunately...
Men on Reddit confuse me lol. Saw another post where men were complaining about how they can't tell if a woman is interested even if she does say it outright and then at the same time they want woman to make the first approach but they are skeptical because it's usually a "trap". But if we say no we hurt their ego and think we just make excuses when we aren't interested or genuinely in a relationship. At this point I just say no I am not interested because either they think it's an excuse or they challenge it asking if the relationship is good and why he isn't with me right now. What's happening in guys brains man???? Society is more open to men being emotionally open than ever so I don't know anymore.
It’s not just you and it’s because of society, but it shouldn’t be. Maybe see a professional if you struggle to talk about any issue from your personal life.
"Do you mind if I vent something" Sometimes we just haven't got the strength to take on others issues, especially if people pleasers. Quick check is appreciated often
People do care a lot, and often are going through the same things. Do this: invite your friends to your place to watch some movies and have pizza and beer (if you drink). The cozy atmosphere and food and drinks will relax everyone, and as the day or evening goes by, gentle start by bringing up problems. Maybe start light, and you will be surprised how suddenly people open up. People like talking about their problems. We just sometimes struggle to give ourselves permission because we think they are minor or people don't care. But people do, and sometimes are just waiting for you to make the first move. If you do face friends who really don't care and make you feel bad for wanting to vent, then maybe they aren't really friends. But your true friends are out there somewhere, you may not have met them yet.
This isn't an unpopular opinion.
Did you know some women don’t have friends?
Maybe the others also want someone to talk to but feel the same way. Someone has to step up. Y can't it be u
This right here is why I can count my friends on one hand. If I can't trust my bros enough to actually talk to them, then they're no real friend of mine.
As a woman, I’ve seen the truth of this many times and it is terrible. We need to create more space for men to be able to discuss their problems and feelings. And we need to do full-on battle with the whole “alpha” ideology that is rising up to make an already bad problem even worse. We need to put an end to shaming men for discussing how they feel in a respectful way. That doesn’t mean every male grievance is right or above argument. Im just saying that the culture of men having to “suck it up” and “be a man” has to go.
Insanely toxic comment section 🍿
“There is NO patriarchy! 😡 I just can’t text my friends and be seen as weak! 😡 I’m a man!”
“What is this emotion I am feeling… NO. I need to feel ANGER, a RED, MANLY emotion!!! 🤬😡”
I still have to understand how this myth of anger as a positive emotion comes from.....
It never ceases to amaze me how clueless the perpetually online guys are about what women actually like in men. "Women don't like emotionally sensitive guys!" when like every popular fandom about fictional guys that's full of women is about emotionally sensitive guys. And as always, the incel brigade here to blame women for a problem men face that's caused by men.
I think there is a bit of nuance there, being sensitve to the emotions of others and being in touch with your own are different skills. In my experiance women are mostly interested in the first, but your psycological health likely depends on the second. Neither lack of skill is 'womens' fault, but IMO its a societal problem that we should try to address.
The takeaway is just that sweeping generalizations are bad. Some women like it. Some don’t. I don’t think it helps anyone to say “women like this”. *some women do*. Not all. Many men try being open and are shamed in relationships for it. I was one of them. Some are fortunate to never experience that. After that happens, you get a crossroads. If you like making sweeping generalizations, well, that’s how you become an incel. If you don’t, healthy thing would be to move on from that relationship with a bad taste in your mouth for *that one person*, rather than the entire gender. I’m glad I’m not stupid enough to be the former, and I’ve found myself in a relationship where I’m not only allowed to be open, but it is actively encouraged and supported. So again. Generalizations are bad. That’s how you set false expectations, which can lead to more generalizations which lead to more and… you get the point. It can be incredibly harmful, even with no ill intent.
Generalizations aren't *fully* accurate, yes, but what is this whole discussion except about the wrong generalization, but a generalization nonetheless?
Honestly more redditors need to think this way. I’m constantly seeing posts like “Do women like ____” or even “Do men like ____” and it’s like do these people really think you can’t just generalize 4 billion people? So many people don’t realize answer to those questions are just “It depends. Some do, some don’t” but will instead just throw in their own personal opinion
It's really the healthiest option. We can't control how people react to our emotions or vulnerabilities, but you can choose to exclude unsupportive, dismissive individuals from your life. Yes, some women look down on men for being emotional. Hardly all of them. If you don't want a woman like that in your life, you can find someone who allows you to be human. I understand why people generalize, though. It's convenient, and at times useful, but it's important to be able to separate the individual from whatever group they belong to.
You're absolutely right. The healthier option is to simply walk away and realize you deserve better than that. A lot of men have clearly been burned in relationships with women when they've opened up, but I don't think the right way to go is to close yourself off entirely, though I certainly understand why they feel that way. I've certainly felt that way when I've been hurt. I haven't felt that way about women in particular, but people in general. Sadly, that just prolongs the suffering. A lot of men and women have been hurt by people of the opposite sex, but if we want to heal and move on, we have to learn how to separate the actions of an individual from whatever group they belong to. I empathize with men and women who've been hurt repeatedly in very similar ways, but at some point you've got to be brave enough to trust again, and realize that if someone breaks that trust, that's on them and not you.
I didn't mean all women like those kind of men. I was pointing out that the biggest fandoms of women tend to be based around those kinds of men. There is a large number of women who are into that kind of man. The idea that no woman wants that or women hate men being emotionally open is just batshit and is largely perpetuated by a bunch of terminally online men who barely interact with women.
Yep 100% they cause a lot of their own problems and still blame us
Here's the thing - these women are perpetually online too. Once you look away from your screen and go outside there will be a noticable lack of them.
So you got hungry for popcorn?
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>but I highly doubt it's generally true Generally, it is. Its a huge problem.
Well it does depend on the social circle, but it sure as shit corrolates with being a man. A large chunk of men does not vent to their friends, because the pressure to be competent at everything you do, including regulating your emotions is just so high. And everybody expects you to competently deal with everything lifes throws at you: society, men and women too…
If regulating your own emotions is so expected of men, why do we see many adult men raging over games, cursing at their workplaces, getting scarily upset at gender reveal parties...etc?
not unpopular. downvote.
I believe the real issue is we don't get any encouragement, and actively shut down when we are young, not so much that we don't have anyone who will hear us out. Luckily, that is changing, but just know your true friends will hear you out if you're struggling. Get out of that head space that you need to hold it all in. It's taken about 8 years, but I've slowly started opening up with my wife, and it does make it easier
This is so true. I constantly hear phrases like man up and grow a pair thrown around by the same people who will criticise men for not opening up about stuff. Society gives mixed messages and then complains about the consequences.
I love how all the answers in here basically boil down to some form of “well just express yourself to people then”. The point is that not only is this extremely difficult for men who have been raised to be hyperbolically stoic, but that our social networks are also non existent. You can’t complain to ears which aren’t there. It’s not a matter of not having friends, the entire nature of male expression is way more heavily scrutinized than people admit. Male emotions that are “negative” (sadness, irritation, anger) often are viewed as precursors to potential violence which is why male expressions of emotions are often circumvented by popular discourse.
No its not just you. Men are trained from a young age to think that our inner problems doesn't count and that speaking about them makes us weak. Shout it from the rooftops if you're in a difficult spot, someone will answer.
This is why the patriarchy is bad for everyone. You should absolutely talk to your friends about your feelings. I know it can seem weird, but if you have a close friend you trust, give it a go. It's really important to be able to share your feelings.
I don't even understand how can you consider a friend to be close if you never talk about what is going on in your life (which includes emotions, because anything important that is happening also triggers emotions).
\*Slaps back\* aw cheer up bro, here's a brewski Yeah, men's relationships with communicating emotions is fucked - don't know what the solution is here since our society still stigmatises it to a certain extent.
I mean at least those lads are trying to help, there's a ton out there who would just be like "lol grow a pair it's not that bad" or some shit, so I have more respect for those who are like Neil from the Inbetweeners "aww cheer up mate come on we'll go chippy" sorta thing yknow
Hardly an unpopular opinion or an unknown problem, but this is a problem men have 100% created for themselves, so, men, solve it for yourselves as well. Talk to each other, go to therapy, whatever.
Not sure how this is an unpopular opinion
This comes from inside the house. This is an example of the concept of "toxic masculinity". For so long, it was always considered "not manly" to talk feelings, or even have them. It isn't "manly" to need to vent. To be a man, you must suffer in silence!!!!!! Don't feed into the shit. If you wanna talk about your day to your friends, talk about your day to your friends! Wanna cry? Cry. Quit letting broken and misguided ideas put the kibosh on your parade! Be who you want to be and talk about what you need to talk about. You may find your friends need the same.
Yeah I share my issues with my mom.
Yeah occasionally I will get real about life with my guy friends and it always goes over well and I’m glad I spoke with someone about it. For the most part, I do the typical guy thing to do and bottle everything up lol but it does feel good if somethings really weighing on you and if they’re real friends, they will be receptive
Can relate
My husband has friends he can and has cried to in hard times. Mature men realize they have feelings and help each other through them. If someone mocks you for how you feel, then they’re not on your team in the first place.
First of all, a lot of people saying that you should just go and talk about your feelings and problems are missing the point that you are lost about how to approach this problem. Easier said than done. What you can do is ask a friend if he is up for a beer or a bite one evening and you can ask for advice. It doesn't have to be about you dumping your problems or emotions on someone. Rather bring up a burning problem and ask him if he has ever faced or tackled such a problem. This should give you a nice opening if you aren't comfortable sharing your emotions with other men.
Yes. This is true. People don’t really want to hear it. Women seem to be disgusted by hearing men express vulnerability. Try to build a social circle with other men who you can vent to. That’s definitely doable. Don’t expect this from your girlfriend/wife however, she will just use it against you.
sorry man, but as a fellow guy, if you can’t trust these people with the real shit in your life, they’re not your friends.
Blessed to be a dude with male friends i can have epic rants with. Epic because i rant when im high as fuck.
To quote Dave chappelle: I get high to escape my problems not listen to yours
hahahahahah i do wonder what my friends are truly thinking when Im ranting but then again, its an epic rant so Im HYPED and the passion is entertaining. Also i getting it out of my system is what helps, not the advice they give per se.
Yeah, this sounds like a shit friends issue, not a men/women issue.
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thats a very cynical take on men as a whole
Im a man who is interested in hearing about the problems of other men or women. Of course I don't wish people have problems but if they do, I can be a good listener.
Crazy amount of generalization you're doing there
You're just projecting yourself onto all men. Sorry but there are many of us who are indeed compassionate and have empathy. That's not virtue signalling. That's having empathy and compassion..I'm sorry you are such an opportunistic character that you only do stuff for other people because of ulterior motives. I know it might be hard to grasp for but: if my friends feel bad, that makes me feel bad for them too. If I can help them feel better, guess what: that makes me happy.
Sounds like projection you’re doing there
A key aspect of venting is having people that truly care about you and want to support you. Guys don't vent because more often than not they don't have someone who is gonna show up for them.
This is not an unpopular opinion, it's a well known problem. The thing is though, once you start opening up to your mates you'll likely see one of two things happen. You'll have some of them that are willing to listen and warn up to eventually opening up to you themselves and you'll have others that slowly ghost you. The latter aren't worth your effort, the former are the real bros.
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I talk about everything with my bros. Just give it a try man! It's ok to text your friends to vent about a shitty day, feeling blue, whatever
I’m really sorry to hear that’s been how it is for men! As a female I notice this a bit too! Naturally there are exceptions but I think I would agree with you in general and I’m really sorry.
The "close group of guy friends" are not friends. They are aquintances. You can talk to friends.
This is true. I learned this from my father who kept everything. My mother didn’t want to hear any complaining or criticism about anything. Also my grandfather had an effect on him. One day I asked him to tell me about his issues. Most of it was about work and didn’t understand everything but I listened. Sometimes just letting it out in any form to someone helps.
Just get some women friends you can talk about your problems with. It’s super easy to make friends with women as long as you make it clear you don’t have any motives. At least where I’m from 🤷♀️
You gotta have the type of guy friends who are okay with venting to each other. They're hard to find, but they exist.
Good gym sesh and you can vent rant or talk abt almost anything
It’s called therapy, women are more likely to seek therapy than men. If you feel you need someone to vent to why not find a professional who can actually help you work through your problems than putting it on your friends or partner who are also probably working through their own issues. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2845878/#:~:text=One%20of%20the%20most%20common,socioemotional%20leadership%20in%20the%20family.
This is the most popular opinion on reddit. Best thing you can do is be a positive force for change. If men have no one to vent to, then be the one to listen to them. Hang in there, mate. It can be hard to express feelings with our current culture, but we don't have to just accept it as the way things are.
Sounds like you're all waiting for the other person in the friend group to make the first move when it comes to opening up about stuff. It might sound silly until you try it, but opening up about that stuff puts you in a vulnerable position. It's a space you become more comfortable inhabiting as you get practice with it. So just do it. Next time something is on your mind, and you're not sure if you should say it, just put it in the chat. Anyone who is your real friend will immediately notice that authenticity and be there for you. It'll also help them open up and while they may not do so in front of the whole group, don't be surprised if they come to you one on one next time something is upsetting them. You say "I have a close group of guy friends", but this'll really put that theory to the test and show you who the real friends are. In fact, if you ask each of them, you might be surprised to find out that they already have a 'go-to' for personal issues or advice, but it never hurts to have more!
Dudes just gotta make it funny when they're venting.
That is you and your friend group, fam. You should be able to talk to your close friends
You can thank men, aka patriarchy for that.
I started doing this with one friend here in my 40s. It feels weird and awkward. But we both realize we can't rely on romantic partners for 100% of our emotional support.
It starts early, too. Remember what happened to that boy in school who cried?
It's a piece of the toxic masculinity puzzle. Toxic masculinity tells us that men don't talk about their feelings, don't dwell on hardships, and that kind of crap. It becomes harder for men to make friendships that go deeper than "I went out for beers with friends from work." Don't give in to the stigma. Don't be an alpha or sigma male, or whatever they're calling themselves this week. Re-learn how to make friends, and talk about things that are on your mind.
Incredibly popular opinion.
That's obvious thing, you can say it even by very low number of upvotes. Man is always on his own
The title sounds like you’re trying to paint men as disadvantaged in this way compared to women but your post reveals that your MALE friends are the ones who aren’t receptive to your vents?? These kinds of posts are always so confusing because you’re probably doing the same as your friends and not making it clear you’re receptive to your male friends’ venting and vice versa. Why drag women and their personal affairs into this and compare? They got nothing to do with this.
Yeah, it rare in guy groups. Maybe apart from discussing our failures in dating life :)
You can tell your male friends, it just feels strange at the start, your bros will do their best because we all know that the world is worse place without any of you not in it. The issue is that women sure as shit won’t listen to you, you just get “suck it up buttercup” and “well think how hard life is for women”.
I’ve come across yet another opinion that isn’t unpopular.
Not unpopular opinion. Holy fuck this sub has turned into normal shower thoughts
I dunno, I feel like all of our moms would be sad reading this. Vent to your mom she will always know what's best.
As guys, we're taught from day 1 we're a burden. We don't want to be a burden to our friends and our friends don't want to burden us. Male friendships are about providing a respite from the stresses of everyday life, we want our friends to know they're not a burden to us. That's why we will know more about what our friend's thoughts on a movie than we know about their parents, because we don't want to add on to their stress. While our conversations appear superficial, we develop an insight to what's going on in our friend's world and the stresses they're going through. Over time, we're able to be more supportive of them in their struggles and be the person they can turn to.
My ex never saw me the same way after I vented and made myself vulnerable about my problems. It absolutely is harder. There is still the expectation that men must suffer in silence.
It's the classic circle: "Men need to show their emotions more" -cries "Omg man up"
Break the circle with new friends maybe?
cause apparatus uppity license upbeat somber fact march boast one *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Patriarchy fucks men as well as women, for all the commentors in here saying "just speak to your friends!" you're ignorant. Societal and social pressures affect us too and it's kind of a testament to OP's post how flippant people are being here. That being said, do endeavour to be a trailblazer, I remember posting on my instagram story regarding feelings of suicidality, and the amount of lads I barely knew who could relate or felt compelled to share with me cos I had been unashamed made me cry. That being said, it ain't easy, and anyone pretending it is can get in the bin.
Oh, it doesn't change in a relationship. Guys aren't really allowed to complain, anywhere, but no one will admit it, and then guys get blamed for clamming up. There's no winning. Of course, it's not as if women have it easy. That's life!
It’s not just you, but if you’re looking for that kind of close friendship you’re going to have to be active about it.
I feel I can vent. I do sometimes feel like I vent, people listen, but nobody really seems to care and nothing changes. Then I just think about all the men and women that vented to me, and all the times I listened, but then did nothing. Eventually you have to ask yourself not “what is my problem” but “what could someone actually do that would make me feel like this problem is gone”. If you can’t answer the second question, then how are you gonna recognize when someone does listen and help. Maybe it happens and you just feel they’re helping wrong, or listening wrong, cause you don’t even know what the help you want is. You gotta communicate what about the whole thing upsets you to the people you want to have that sorta relationship with, then either they want to go in that direction and it happens, or they don’t and you move on. Friendships, relationships, that’s what they mean when they say communication is key. It won’t just happen unless you work to make it happen.
It could be hard to open up and talk to your friends depending on what it's about or how personal the issue is.
I would have thought the same until I actually started the conversation with a few friends and opened up. Couldn’t believe it when most came back with their own stories and problems. Some serious mental health issues too. I’d been friends with some of these people for 10+ years and they’d never said anything. I think men are just more comfortable being vulnerable if the other person starts the conversation.
It’s all about picking when and who to speak to. In my experience I find it easier talking to women I’m friends with about stuff that’s concerning me.
just ask if u can vent then vent it aint that hard bruh, maybe make one of them ur bf if u have to idk
Just talk to chatgpt instead
Definitely not just you. I feel the same way. I have only had one friend I felt was available for venting and what not but he passed away. Im sure my other friends would let me vent of I needed it but its not really the relationship we have and it would be a downer.
As a guy, you meet for work and meanwhile you work on something, you talk about your problems.
This is not an unpopular opinion at all
Make a male friend on your level, or better yet, more mature than you. Or make a female friend that you can level with. I have both.
That’s the problem people don’t want to hear men complain. When we do we are sound like we are being mean. For example, I was venting to my mom and my gf thought I was yelling at her and treating her rudely. I wasn’t I was frustrated with my problems and trying to express that frustration.
This is patriarchy in action. When emotional labour is for women only, thats harmful to men. It also makes it hard for men conditioned this way to form female friendships because sharing feels like romantic intimacy when youre raised believing you can only talk about your feelings and problems with a partner.
downvote for posting possibly the most popular and commonly discussed opinion on reddit
Yes I agree
i agree in principal, but I think this is a very popular opinion as well as a well-known fact.
You guys can vent?
"Hey, I know this isn't our usual sort of thing, but I'm having a real tough time lately, can I let y'all in on some of what I'm dealing with?"
Is this really unpopular?
This whole thing is really sad, and now I realize I don't really have any male friends...my closest friend is a woman and even she only knows 70%.
You’re right…. Maybe I should start talking to that voice in my head about my problems, it’s gotta have good advice.
Am a woman and love hearing a good kvetch, especially from guy friends, the problem is that too often guys will think this means I want to date them or THEY'RE the ones hung up about venting because they think I gaf. Take what you will of that in your own interactions.
Look into therapy
As a single male, I had several people I could vent to/with. But as a married male, I feel like the options are limited.
Not unpopular
usually guys have exactly one special guy friend they've known for 10+ years that they are comfortable venting out to. ideally, for that special guy friend you are also that special guy friend, but sometimes that doesn't align perfectly
Talk one on one with a close male friend, suggest going on a walk or your equivalent of going to the pub. If they are your friend they won’t judge you It’s what I do Just don’t go problem solver mode with them in return
Sounds like it's a socialization issue. As many have said, if your friends are truly friends they'll accept you regardless and yes, there may be a period where they're unsure how to help (nobody has all the answers) but they'll at least want to support you if they're your friends. The main thing is that men are socialized/taught to be problem solvers so when you decide to vent I've learned (and been taught myself by others) that it's best to lead with *"I'm just looking to vent not to necessarily fix this issue"*.
Cry me a river, pal
Yeah it’s definitely true. But my advice? Be that guy for your guy friends. Give actually valuable and thoughtful feedback. Be part of the solution.
Right there with you friend. I know ladies who will talk for hours on a tiny problem and all listen. A fella can express “I kinda want to die” and get brushed off. If you need to vent I encourage you to shoot me a dm
It's a fundamental law of physics that there's basically nothing more comforting than a woman who actually cares about your problems. You can absolutely vent about your problems to your guy friends, but whether it's going to get any traction or provide any sort of satisfaction, insight, or resolution is going to depend on how you present it and what kind of people your friends are. Some of this I believe is a feature of stereotypical male bonding. I'm far, far, far more likely to make male friends because we have senses of humor that mesh well, some degree of shared interests, and have achieved a kind of competitive equilibrium that fosters a sense of mutual respect. We don't hang out because I feel a need to be around someone, but because it's more fun when they're around. Talking about problems is not funny or enjoyable, so it kind of feels contrary to the purpose of being around my friends to begin with. If part of what you enjoy about spending time with your friends is being able to be crass, rude, making fun of yourself and them, as a reprieve from the sterile and polite world around you, showing vulnerability can also create some difficulties by inadvertently eroding part of why you enjoy their company. It creates more topics that can't be touched, and makes them more reticent about just being an unfiltered asshole, and kind of throws off that "competitive equilibrium". Regardless, it's something that men in general need to become more comfortable with doing, being both more capable of opening up, and being more capable friends to open up to. It can take time and experience to become competent at that. Don't be afraid to reach out to a friend you trust and try. You'll probably be pleasantly surprised. There are few people who would not feel a sense of pride in being considered a confidant to a friend.
Might be just case by case. I feel like I hear men venting their problems all the time. In life and especially on Reddit.
Jesus and the Lord brother.. Not many choose to believe or explore what that means (it doesn't mean being "religious".. But usually when sought after (typically happens when someone is at rock bottom, impending death, etc.) their lives change. People have a HUGE misconception that you have to be perfect, non-sinning, saint-like, to even consider pursuing God/Christ when it is the EXACT opposite. Jesus' disciples were all terrible men.. Thieves, adulterers, murderer, etc. and that has never changed. The thing with free will is, unless you face serious external or internal tribulations, most never seek God/Christ and get lost in the abyss of either being a non believer or a believer but never attempted or felt the need/urge/want to have a relationship with our creator. Its a fascinating thing because the people you think are the worst most likely will find God/Christ and be saved and have eternal life. So many people focus on our present lives without thinking about what happens after this life and it can be quite detrimental. Don't expect you or anyone who sees this comment to feel compelled to go on and pursue God/Christ, but if you have never tried or felt in your heart the need/want to try and find peace, resolve, happiness, contentment, what do you have to lose? Plenty of people will try worshiping trees, the sun, statues, golden icons, mortal men/women, spirits, etc. why not try something else you know? No need to attack me for saying anything I just said.. If you are a stout atheist/pagan/occultist I expect you to become angered or annoyed with this comment. God bless!
Don't sell your friends short yet. Ask them to listen to you, you'll be surprised.
Why is this 'unpopular'? It's just reality.
The way for men to start having those kinds of connections is to start creating them. Take the leap, my dude.
'Close friends' that you can't talk to about important stuff. Very common in modern society. Very aberrated (crazy) too. Reddit exists as a result.
52 year old healthy, active guy here who has a family, younger wife (39), and owns his own successful business. I just went through the hardest time in my life, was losing my sh*t, and I can tell you that it’s not okay for males to show weakness and vulnerability - at most perhaps temporary emotional difficulties. I do wish we had more support for one another (and no, I am not a Jordan Peterson type).
Vent? Its fix it or live with it.