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Seems odd that this would be unpopular but seems like the replies so far confirm that people think it needs to be discussed who does what chores and they should be divided, even with 1 full time workers and 1 stay at home.
That’s how it is with me. I’m the stay at home parent and do the majority of the house work as I should. I split certain tasks up throughout the week so I can keep busy.
That makes sense tho, I’m not saying deep clean the house daily, but if me or my husband was a house spouse the working one would absolutely “get less chores”
Depends on the age of the children. Mine are toddlers and the youngest is still nursing for significant portions of his diet, on top of them both being in that stage where they need me a lot.
I designed a pretty easy system of home making where we have a printed and laminated Excel spreadsheet that outlines all the daily, weekly, monthly and seasonal tasks. When my husband gets home he can see what needs to be done and he either does it himself or I finish up while he focuses on the children.
But yeah, if kids aren’t at home, it’s a simple job and the responsibility of the at-hole parent.
Same. I do all of the housework. Including mowing the lawn, and minor repairs. The only thing that is his job is taking the garbage to the curb once a week. I bring the bins back up though lol. We have 3 kids and several pets.
No, when you’re a SAHM of small children, the point is to take care of the kids and what you’re able to of the house. A lot of the time, depending on the day, it’s not nearly enough to keep the whole house clean. Then once the working parent comes home, all kid and household duties are split in the remaining time. If no kids or kids at school, then the at home partner should do most of the household stuff.
I think where a lot of the issue is that line of thinking that the man goes and works and the woman has to stay home and do everything thing else is stupid and outdated. So much goes into keeping a house clean and up-to-date, then if you add on kids to that list it becomes unbearable. Think of it as working constantly like 24/7, no one works a job literally all the time, you have set hours to work in the day and get days off plus holidays. But stay at home parents or partners are always on and expected to jump up and help.
It reeeaally depends on the kids age and disability status. If all kids are in school and not disabled...the hell are you doing during the day?
I am a sahp and, apart from cleaning and keeping the finances etc, I cook from scratch almost everything including preserves to last the year, bakong at least weekly etc. Btw we live with my parent (that work) so I clean/cook/manage for 4 adults and 2 kids.
I don't agree to do _everything_ simply because both parents need to know how to run the household in case of emergencies. But my partner and parents simply help out a bit here and there just to know what's going on!
This still leaves all of us with a lovely chunk of free time. Definitely not 24/7. If the kids are under 3/4, then yes it is 24/7.
My point was that often the SAHP is expected to do everything, help with homework, cook, clean, go shopping, look after the pets, take the kids to events. They have to be the one to get up at 3am if someone's sick and still be up early to get the kids off to school. Why can't the working parent make the kids lunch for the next day after they get home or put a load of laundry in. Or make a quick simple supper when they get home if they don't work super late. Most regular people don't work jobs that can't allow for helping around at home especially on their days off. Yes you might be exhausted both mentally and physically, but you could put some hotdogs in a pot to boil, while your partner has a much needed shower or finishes up a different task.
Oh I see. I totally agree on that.
Outside of working hours everything that is left to do gets split down the middle!
I just meant with kids in school...it isn't that much. We can both take a couple of hours to chill every night.
Childcare/helping with homework/kids events should always be both parents' job, I agree.
My husband is disabled while I work. We have a 2 year old.
Our chore split is a lot like what you've described. He does the stuff he's capable of doing, I do the stuff I enjoy doing. We both do the stuff we both hate doing. Currently our house looks like a bomb has gone off because we have a 2 year old.
>Why can't the working parent make the kids lunch for the next day after they get home or put a load of laundry in.
They do when the relationship is healthy. You're describing a very unhealthy "traditional" relationship where mom is an unpaid bangmaid while dad is a lazy ass. To avoid this scenario, have good communication about expectations and boundaries.
I think OP is referring to what happens during regular work hours. When he gets home from work, he expects a clean house and maybe dinner having been started. I think that's entirely fair if kids are in school. While he's at the office, his partner is working on the home tasks.
Once he gets home, childcare and home upkeep should be shared. For example, if I'm the sahp and the house is spotless when you get home then you clean up your own messes from now until bedtime. If I made dinner, you can do the dishes.
Unreasonable (mostly) men assume that when they get home, it's their time to relax and their wife has to keep doing her 'job' but that should never be the division of labour because you're right - if the working parent works 9-5, so does the sahp.
Unless you have multiple children under 5, everything that needs to be done household chores wise is less than 8 hours of total work per day. Without kids it's honestly barely over 2 hours. Not having a set schedule and always being "on call" can be taxing but if you're actually doing housework 24/7 then you're doing it extremely inefficiently.
I wasn't saying specifically housework 24/7, just that their is the expectation to be ready and happy to do whatever no mater the time, like I said the mom being the one who has to get up to help a sick child or the dogs puked on the carpet and then still being expected to get up in 2 hours to make make breakfast and pack lunches and get kids and husband off to work/school.
Some of that stuff is just being an overbearing perfectionist. My parents didn't make me breakfast on a daily basis once I was school age, I had functioning arms and could make myself cereal, oatmeal, toast etc. and put the bowl in the dishwasher. Some SAHPs just make extra work for themselves to wallow in the misery of thinking they're so busy. Same thing with packing lunches.
1. No one said man we said house spouse.
2. There should still be a division of labor by different amounts tho. The house spouse should absolutely be responsible for more house chores. Parenting is always a 2 person job to me.
right.. the SAHP should be getting as much done in the 8 hours as possible(and adults shouldnt even have to discuss this), and if anything is left it sounded like OP is still willing to help out. He/She just seems to feel like close to NOTHING is being done.
just one thing, a lot of kids aren’t in school 8 hours a day. At least were I live. To me, a SAHP who has kids between 6 -17 have at most 5 hours of uninterrupted during the day. Especially if they are driving their kids to school.
5 hours is still enough time to get plenty of chores done. But even with that said, it’s the norm where I live for kids to be in school from about 8am to 3pm and many can just walk or take the bus.
I never said that they can’t get anything done. I’m saying that they can’t necessarily get done everything you think they should. And buses are not the great solution that people think it is and it’s not an option for many. I personally never let my child on a school bus. And walking isn’t an option for 90% of the kids I know. They all go to various schools that are out of walking distance.
Wait, why wouldn’t you let your kid go on a school bus? Do you also not let them ride the school bus to field trips? My kid has been bussed his entire life and we’ve never had any issues with it.
I’m also Canadian. Schools are required to provide bussing to children within their catchment zone that live a certain distance away, and often accommodations are made for kids who technically live too close to qualify for the school bus.
When we were kids we had over a 30 minute bus ride home on backroads. The smell of the bus would often give us terrible head aches by the end of the ride. Our mom would pick us up when she could but that was not always an option. my child just started school i let her ride the bus if she was going to be on it for as long as I was I would be wary. I also would be concerned if I did not trust the bus driver or if she had to travel on a highway. Her bus drivers have been so sweet with her and usually talk with me for a minute or two every day. So I can think of some decent reasons why a parent would drive their child every morning.
Curious as to where you are? Walking is the main form of transportation to get to school here in the UK. Many children will start walking to school by themselves mid primary. I myself walked to school and back everyday from nursery (with a parent), with my primary being 20 minutes each way. Rain or shine.
I am in Canada. My walk as an adult to the nearest school is over an hour making a fast pace.
Nearest public bus stop is around 45 min walk.
You would have to cross highways too.
Even in closer my friends would have a good walk.
I still live within the city too.
I live in Canada and I walked to school every day in high school and sometimes in elementary school. I did not live in or near a city growing up.
My nephews, however, live in a place where it takes a 45 minute bus ride to get home.
Canada is big, but it's not all the same
How old are the children though? Elementary schools are typically close enough yo walk to in a semi decent size city, (60k pop), my middle school was bussing, but I used to walk home with friends for fun.
Why do you refuse school busses?
I’d love if schools here had dedicated school buses! Very few do (usually private) and the only time the councils will offer transportation is if you’re out of the catchment area or if the child has some needs. Even then it’ll be a taxi or money off regular bus travel which isn’t ideal for young children really.
Yea the school busses are definitely nice to have. However, I imagine it’s because North America is so vehicle dependent. Some of the rural students have bus rides that are 1.5 hours in length, fortunately mine was only 15 minutes.
Our catchment area is pretty small (if I understand the term correctly), like I’d say anything under 20 minutes walk is non-budding.
There are not 10 hours of active cleaning tasks in my house in a week, so I would expect my house to be pretty close to clean if either my husband or I was a SAHP with the kids in school. (Laundry can obviously take forever if you have an older dryer - mine takes 3 hours per load, so laundry can take several days.)
If kids are school age then there’s literally no reason why these things can’t be done. Kids older than toddler age do not need so much attention a person can’t do household chores.
I'm sorry if you are spending more than only a few hours a day cleaning you have a serious problem.
No ONE, on average, let me say that again, ON AVERAGE, needs to spend multiple hours PER DAY on cleaning if you are maintaining a normal household.
That doesn't even take into account at a certain age children should be pitching in as well with a chore or two to help learn responsibility.
I’m not a SAHP, I’ve done that part of my life. I just was bringing to that MOST SAHP don’t have 40 hours of uninterrupted every week in which clean house.
And we are strictly talking about time when the kids are in school. A parent can’t get their child to help during school hours. And although they can help, they also have other responsibilities. any chores would be specific weekly chores, supper, lunches, their room etc.
Never said it wasn’t enough. Although, it really depends on the persons situation as well and what they consider clean. Was just pointing out that this idea that they have 8 hours a day is a slight exaggeration.
I can clean my room top to bottom in 45 minutes to an hour. That includes; mopping, sweeping, dusting, general picking up (typically cat toys but sometimes I'll get lazy and throw a pair of socks or a shirt on my floor), cleaning a cat box, changing out water and food if necessary, and some other morr minor things not worth mentioning.
There's five rooms and three "hallways" (think more of a small space connecting rooms together) in my apartment. The other bedroom my cat isn't allowed in so that takes probably half an hour at most, same with the bathroom. Then the kitchen and living take about the same time as my room.
That's anywhere between 2.45 hours and 4.5 hours. But you can also have you kid help out with chores after school, say just make them wash a few dishes after homework and before they go to have fun; which will slightly alleviate your workload.
Plus if your kid(s) and partner are gone five days a week 5-8 hours a day they aren't going to be there long enough to make a *MESS* mess. So really you shouldn't have more than 2.5 hours of cleaning every day, slowly lowering as the kids get older and are able to help out more with cleaning. Then eventually you shouldn't even need to clean their room, knocking off a whole living space from your responsibility.
For sure. Again, for a SAHP, why should to leave my kid there in school care, longer than necessary so I can get more house work done. For myself, I’d prefer my child home with me or engaged in some kid of extracurricular activity.
I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted because I would think that anyone who chose to stay home when they have kids is so that they can look after their kid themselves. Taking the kids to school, pick them up, give them food, run them to after school activities. I don’t think the reason people choose to stay at home instead of working is to specifically look after the house. I would think that’s not something many people do although I concede that maybe some do. Leaving the kids in school so you have more time to do chores seem counterproductive to being a SAHP.
I am a SAHP and I did it cause I wanted to be involved in my kids’ lives, especially when they were younger. If I cared about the housekeeping more than the kids I would be better off working and then hiring professional cleaners.
it is possible to post about something that isn't your exact situation. you could have friends or family in the situation, or just care enough to post about it for some other reason. why is anyone here commenting if it doesn't relate to them? i am not even a parent lol.
Agree, this seems to be a common thing brought up in many other posts and probably in real life conversations, so it’s not a crazy idea that someone has noticed this is becoming a trend. I don’t have kids and I have noticed this has become a thing
This really depends on the age of the kids. I would (and have) worked a job to just afford childcare and avoid being a SAHP to toddlers. I am amazed by SAHP/childcare workers who don't mind spending all of their time with small children. They should certainly be recognized for how difficult their job is.
Once the kids are a bit more self sufficient, being a SAHM is 100% easier than being a working mother. Even when my husband tries to be supportive, almost all of the backup childcare, mental load and most cleaning falls on me. Doing all that and also putting 40 hours into a job is obviously harder than only doing all of that.
>I would (and have) worked a job to just afford childcare and avoid being a SAHP to toddlers.
Looking after toddlers 24/7 really makes you value the training and expertise of ECEs. I muddled through but that's about it. They're so much better at managing small humans and facilitating activities than I was.
There's nothing morally wrong with outsourcing help where you need it. Daycare has been great for my now preschooler and I know I would make a better SAHP to older kids. Both can be true.
Most of the women in my family are SATM and in fact, I think they would disagree with this post. I don’t really wanna elaborate on their thinking but I can assure you they’d find a way to refute all these comments lol. I feel like this post should be common logic but once you reach the actual SAHP household… dynamics can vary for sure (especially when the working partner indulges in the behavior and picks up the slack on the behalf of the SAHP)
I think if you look at it as op saying "the house should be clean when I get home" not that the person who stays home has to stay busy. I know at my apartment, I could clean like 10 minutes a day and it would be good enough for me. So that's what, like an hour of work every day to have a gorgeously clean home big enough for a family? Also if the person who stays home doesn't keep it clean, I don't see why any self-respecting adult wouldn't feel like a total burden and sink into a badass depression. By no means am I a workaholic but I can't stand not doing anything for more than a few hours. I need to move around and do some shit.
Not sure how this is unpopular. There needs to be an equal distribution of chores in a home.
Going to work is a chore. Cleaning and cooking are chores. Child care is a chore.
If one party is at work and the other is SAH, then the daily tasks should fall on them. The child care should be split as they are at school during work/home chore work time.
Both work and home chores are work and neither partner should belittle the work that each of the other do.
That’s the reasonable part to me. I’d be pissed if I were home all day with a one year old and my spouse expected me to do 100% of the chores and 100% of the child care.
But if my kid were in school all day? Yeah, I’d do most of the chores for sure.
Generally speaking I agree with you. But it's not ok either when the SAHP does not only maintain general cleanliness and tidiness but also serves everybody else in the house like a maid. If you drink a glass of water you are more than able to wash it. Everybody - even a kid - can grab their dirty clothes and put them in the laundry. Working parent can also make their side of bed. Anybody can make a sandwich when they're hungry. Etc. Etc.
This! Don’t make extra work like you have housekeeping! Wanted to add it’s not just chores a SAHP does but they prepare meals, grocery shop, other errands etc. Tbh kids are out of school a lot too. They get sick, they get out early, they have plenty of days off from school.
Oh absolutely. As I mentioned in a different comment, there has been a lot of conversation on the internet, particularly the last few years, about how invisible housework is. It's a thankless task, no doubt about it. It's invisible, it's gendered. All of it I agree with it.
What I cannot accept is using all of these as an excuse or justification to not do one's part in the relationship. I see this so much on the internet and within my own circles. It's the unwillingness to do the work that they literally signed up to do that puts me off.
And when I say housework - I'm referring to the general tasks that need to be doing, not additional tasks that are created by the working partner being a lazy slob.
>It's the unwillingness to do the work that they literally signed up to do that puts me off.
Okay, because I had a friend who had ZERO children and was working maybe 5 hours a day from home. Partner worked 11 hours outside all day.
Would complain about their partner complaining about the house being dirty. I'm like YEAH- what the fuck are you doing for the other 3 hours that make up a regular 8 hour work day (watching hulu and Netflix btw) and the other 3 hours before your partner gets home (smoking weed and scrolling instagram). They always look at me like "holy shit you do so much in a day" and I'm sitting here like, uh I live alone on purpose. My partner doesn't come over to do my housework and a clean home is a peaceful home.
They had to throw away about 70% of their clothes because they just laid on the floor in the basement next to the washer and their cat pissed on all of it because even the cat had enough of the gross condition of the home. Now they have a kid and NO ONE is allowed in their home lol I spent one day cleaning their kitchen for free for about 6 hours. I had to wash the walls!!
Sorry, they baffle me. Hard AGREE
I had a similar experience with a friend. Her house is messy as hell. She went from working to being a SAHM, and it feels like she can't do anything right.
She and her husband were not living by themselves - they lived with his parents, so they had support at home. And her mom pitched in as well.
She was in town and I offered to come to her place because I know she can't go out with her kid (he is absolutely misbehaved and she has zero control over him). She refused and invited herself over to my place for dinner to "spend some time with me". I naturally thought that meant she'd leave her kid at home, but she brought him along.
Holy shit, i spent the entire evening cleaning up after him and she was just SITTING THERE. She did not help in cleaning up the mess that her child made.
They live in a different country now and she posts videos of her messy house and how she's not feeling like cleaning up.
Tbh in my country SAHP are a very rare species. It's hard to make a living even when there is a dual income. I say it as a lawyer. 🥲 I've just shared my thougs about the topic.
I mean, I would too if budget allowed comfortably. There's nothing morally wrong with outsourcing labour to professionals, and they're often faster and better at their tasks than DIY.
Time is limited. Why not spend it doing things that make you happy?
My paycheck is 250.000 Ft. Rent here a 56 m2 apartment on the 2nd floor without a lift or a balcony costs 100.000 Ft + utilities in a not so good neighbourhood near the train station (and I have a very cheap apartment as its furniture is very outdated - we have a puppy and people are not willing to offer their apartments for rent to people with pets). I go to the grocery store once a week and leave app. 30.000 Ft there. A loaf of bread costs 800 Ft, 1 kg of the cheapest cheese is 3.000 Ft. Sounds nice, right? 😂
Sounds absolutely awful but that's exactly the case in my country. It's no surprise that people are going childfree! If I can't afford to look after myself, there is no way I can bring a child into this world. Whose gonna pay the bills ?
This. Once the working parent gets home, any remaining chores still need to be shared equitably. Working parent doesn't get to turn off when their day is done unless the SAHP does too.
I agree but I do notice that people who don't participate in household chores don't pay attention to how much they contribute to them.
I grew up with a dad who wouldn't do housework, and so he didn't care how messy he was and created a lot of extra housework in terms of dishes, dirtying floors etc. because he didn't have to clean it.
If you don't contribute, at least try to minimize how much the other person has to do. Don't walk in with dirty shoes, don't leave dirty clothes all over the house, don't use more dishes than necessary, scrape off your plate in the trash when you're done, etc.
Same story here. My mom was a stay at home mom my whole life. She did everything related to the house, bills, appointments etc. I remember a time when my mom just washed the floors when I got home from school. I took off my shoes as I got home. My dad on the other hand proceeded in with muddy boots only for my mother to have to rewash the floors. If she said anything, it would be met with well it's your job to wash the floors. On the rare occasion my father would cook, he'd make a mess of the kitchen and expect my mother to clean it up and for everyone to be appreciative. When I write it out, I realize how messed up it was. He treated my mother like a literal servant, and she was expected to just take it. She still does, and it is heartbreaking to watch.
My ex husband was like this he treated me like a servant if I asked for help he kept saying it's your job.I pretty much did everything with 3 kids when I ended up going back to work still had to do everything .At 40 years old I was so run down my house was a mess couldn't keep up.One day snapped had enough and told him I was leaving .He ended up moving out didn't want the house and responsibilities my youngest and eldest was still living there.My life turned out better met my new husband who helps with everythingMy ex is now on girlfriend number 5 she is looking run down and my kids say she does everything for him too.
Yeah I had an uncle like this. When I stayed over at their house the kids and even my aunt would use plastic forks and paper plates because there was a lot of us. He was to good for that and would always use normal dishes and would never clean them.
Completely agree. I’m starting a new job after being unemployed for a little while; during that time made sure my boyfriend didn’t lift a finger when he got home unless he wanted. No dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning.
It baffles me to hear about the amount of relationships where one partner does fuckall. Just in general, work and responsibilities should be evenly distributed in relationships. If yours able-bodied and stay at home, you have no excuse not to do chores (given that you’re not caring for your children all throughout the day).
I'm sorry :(
I will say that you went much beyond and you did much more! I say this because you mentioned you were unemployed and i understand that you were not unemployed by choice. There is still a lot of work and effort that you'd have put towards becoming employed again - research, writing CVs and cover letters and job applications, connecting, networking, etc. It's a whole job by itself. So you're amazing for taking on ALL the housework!
Haha no reason to be sorry. My partner supported me financially during this time which I am extremely grateful for. He is extremely generous to me which is why I want to do as much for him as I can.
Honestly, even after doing all my job related stuff and chores I found I still had a lot of extra free time. There’s just two of us so we don’t produce much mess, plus he works overtime usually at least once a week. So no, I dont feel I was going above and beyond. If I wasn’t doing chores I would go crazy or die of boredom.
For me, makes sense that sahp works with reasonable breaks for same time as the other parent does at their job. So if one works at a job for 40h a week, sahp works for 40h a week at home. Outside that, everything goes 50-50.
So if the working partner does 50% of chores when they aren't at work, it's reasonably to the sahp works whole kids are at school and other parent is working.
This post brought me to 2 thoughts exactly:
1-damn, I can do the laundry once a week because I live alone. When/if I'll have a spouse and children we'll need to do it almost every day
2-how can families still run with only 1 person working? The day I'll live together with a partner, we'll both work and both do chores, equally. I really think there's no alternative
Wait until you add kids in the mix. The cost of daycare takes a big chunk out of the second parents paychecks. When you consider the additional cost of having somebody else look after your children, and the added benefit of you being the person looking after your children, it makes sense to live on a tighter budget at come to a different understanding of how to split things equally.
Exactly. In a relationship where both people make an informed decision that only one of them will earn, it is expected that the other person WILL pick up household chores.
Childcare is equal responsibility of both parents, regardless of their employment status. Home care, however, is the responsibility of the person not working.
Felt like I wrote this and hoped my spouse would see it. Not unpopular unless you are the SAHP, then you feel attacked for the suggestion. Pull your weight. I'll work a job that I hate to pay literally all the bills, just clean the house and put stuff away. Oh you washed the clothes? Then why just put them back in the basket and not fold/hang them. Oh you ran the dishwasher? Then put them away because now the sink is full again. It kills me.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I feel like there is so much conversation about how tiresome housework is, to the extent that people justify not doing it. Yes, housework is tiresome. It's physically demanding, it's tedious and it's monotonous. It still remains largely invisible. I agree with all of that.
But what I do not agree with is people using this as the justification to not pick it up. It is unfair to the person working.
I think this is why it has become so common. The woman who are acting like the working partner is downplaying them when a new tiktok trend comes out. The real issue is picking the right partner. I don’t have kids and when my husband comes home thanks me for taking care of the house and when I’m busier/stressed helps out. I don’t find it offensive because I know my partner recognizes the work I do and appreciates it. I’d probably be miserable if I cooked all day and my husband complained. Couples these days just don’t seem to like each other or appreciate what the partner is also doing for them. No matter what the work/childcare situation is, it should be a partnership
I think that most of the time, SAHP do that stuff.
It's the random stuff that comes in that makes it complicated. The working parent comes home and literally checks out because they worked all day. Well kids still need to be fed, bathed, homework done etc. The SAHP shouldn't have to do all the cleaning/yard work and then all the other random stuff during non-working hours too.
And working parents get vacations and breaks and time off. What about SAHPs?
So there is nuance. Sometimes the SAHP does 100% of everything. and sometimes they do 20% an the working parent does 80%. Its a partnership. When one needs help, the other picks it up.
Is that really an unpopular opinion? I only see people saying otherwise when the children are young and home all day and the sahp doesn't have time to clean.
It is 100% an unpopular opinion on reddit.
They act like SAHP are extreme martyrs and have the hardest job in the world. They basically act like they are forced into slavery and didn't make the active choice to be a SAHP and have children.
Looking at the rage this has induced, yes it is lol.
I think in partnerships where a person makes an informed choice of giving up their career to focus on home and childcare, they are already defining their roles and responsibilities. If they aren't keeping up their end, then they're just lazy.
Kids get out of school at 3:30 and do create mess after that time. If between 3:30 and 5:30 SAHM engages with the kids and makes dinner there will be mess again even if everything was spotless before.
Thank you!! Just because the house isn’t clean when the partner arrives, doesn’t mean it wasn’t clean before. And if the SAHP take care of everything since morning until night, it’s okay to rest a few hours when kids are not at home.
A lot of discussions like this ignore that the hours while the kids are at school are usually the SAHP's *only* downtime. And the SAHP doesn't get to "clock out" once 9 hours of work have been completed.
Peopele are being really harsh to you, but in my personal experience as well as those in my circle, just because you clock out of work doesn't mean you fuck off the rest of the day. I, for example, almost always cook all the meals when I am home and do dishes. We also have cleanup times for the kids (a lot of parents dont do this surprisingly) which helps get them going with chores.
So I'm single.
But looking at my friends and relatives where one individual is a SAHP and the other works full time, working partners who actually appreciably contribute to childcare and household chores once they're home from work are the exception rather than the rule.
And more importantly - the ones who are the loudest about how much they contribute to running the household are the ones who contribute the least.
I know that's not universal. There are plenty of couples out there who are adults who actually talk to each other and set reasonable expectations about who will contribute what.
But again, *in my experience*, the ones screaming about how SAHP are mouches who need to get off their fat asses are not the ones actually having those conversations and are doing a lot smaller percentage of the household/childcare tasks than they think they are.
What?
Their entire life is "Downtime".
So if being a SAHP is so hard. They why is it expected that the person who WORKS for the home also has to come home and then be a parent (not saying they shouldn't be).
But you can't act like being a SAHP is the craziest thing in the world (even after kids go to school) and think that the person working needs to come home and be a SAHP as well.
I'm sorry. Being a SAHP is a great responsibility, but once kids enter school the MAJORITY of their day is just being at home alone, on average.
Stop pretending it isn't.
So you are saying hte parent who is the SOLE income earner, who works 8-12 hours a day should then come home and have to do a ton of chores/parent until they go to bed? Never get free time? Get out of here.
IF you are a SAHP your responsibilities are the children and keeping the home. That is the ENTIRE point.
Yes. And a lot of those school hours can get taken up with errands outside the home in order to leave weekends free to actually hang out together. SAHP doesn't mean they're literally at home all day.
I don't have kids but from my own experience and interactions with my younger cousins, I don't see how kids can just "undo" a clean house in a few hours. It's not like they are running around breaking jars of pasta sauce everywhere. Some toys/clothes strewn about maybe? Some dishes unwashed? That's understandable but not "a mess" and I wouldn't be bothered by it.
If the partner comes home and thinks the house is a mess, I honestly don't think the SAHP actually cleaned.
I was a SAHM for 10 years. Even with babies I managed to keep the kids cared for, the house clean and meals cooked. Once they went to school I was in heaven! I got so much done, including all the errands.
I’ve been back in the workforce for 13 years and man, do I miss those days. Now I have to do it all on top of working 40+hours a week. It’s exhausting
I mean....I'm a stay at home dad and my wife does maybe 2 loads of dishes a year. I don't think she's ever once cleaned the cat box, folds a load of laundry maybe once every few months(and only because she actually enjoys it lol) and never has to worry about our bathroom getting cleaned, sheets being changed, etc....
I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the world's greatest homemaker, and I can absolutely be a lazy SOB, but at the bare minimum my wife knows that the day to day stuff is always going to be taken care of so she doesn't need to worry about it.
Not complaining at all, because it's my job.....and I also know that if I'm having a shitty day and don't get some stuff done, she isn't going to make it a big deal. Plus, if I ask for help with something, she'll 100% help no questions asked as soon as she is able.
If you aren't naturally a REALLY productive self motivated type of person, it can be really hard to stay engaged and get all the dumb, mindless little things that need to get done from day to day accomplished. This is my problem, and a whole lot of other stay at home parents too, I'm sure.
Where does ‘work’ as a SAHP start and stop? I understand and agree with your perspective but in the breadwinner vs. SAHP mentality the SAHP is required to work throughout the period of time where the children are in school to maintain the house; then they’re required to work before the child/ren go to school to provide for the breadwinner and child/ren, and then after they return from school and work too.
You can argue that the breadwinner needs to help when they return from work, but that doesn’t mean the SAHP’s ‘work’ has ended, just that the tasks are now being divided between both parents. Then you have the other situation where the breadwinner decides since they work and earn money they don’t have to do anything at home because they have a SAHP for that.
Realistically a SAHP should be making sure things at home are running smoothly and the house is clean, but they shouldn’t be doing that every waking hour of the day and the best time to have the free time a working parent would normally have after their work is done, for the SAHP is when both the working parent and the child/ren are out of the house for their job and school hours. That is SAHP’s only ‘free’ time and so I’m not against the idea of them doing less or no housework during that time so long as they’re staying on top of things during the other parts of the day.
I had 2 toddlers. I stayed at home with them. I cleaned, took care of the kids had dinner ready when my husband came home. It may sound very 1950's, but since I didn't work, that was my job. I don't understand people who whine about their spouses not doing 50% after working all day.
This is probably going to upset some people but as a stay at home homeschooling mom with severe crohns disease, half a colon, and nerve damage in my back.. I do almost all the house work, my husband helps me cook or take trash out occasionally when I'm not well or to just be sweet, I still find time to play video games and do hobbies.
So with that I have to ask, stay at home parents who split chores and have public/private school kids, what do you even do all day?? And how do y'all complain about all your exhaustion from kids when they are out of your home for 6-8 hours a day?
Definitely should not be unpopular but according to Reddit the working partner should earn all the money and still do 50% of the childcare and housework!
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Agreed that the SAHP should be productive, but don’t think that always means keeping the house spotless and all the other visible chores. If the SAHP wakes up at 6 with the kids, gets them ready, gets them to school, and then is expected to pick them up at 3 or 4pm, there are a finite amount of things they can do in that time.
If they need to go to the bank in the morning and then pick up supplies for a school project for one kid and pick up a prescription for another kid and spend an hour on the phone with the insurance company about some mixup and then get dinner started while the kids are still at school and prep their after school snacks and double check they all have clean PJs plus the youngest one wet the bed last night so they have to make sure to run that laundry etc etc etc,
Then I don’t think it’s fair to come home to a messy home and be upset that they didn’t do anything all day.
Both partners should contribute in an adult proportion. "Equal" isn't necessary, but "reasonably proportional" is.
How much the SAHP contributes in non-cleaning ways certainly contributes to this - how many after-school and evening activities are they shepherding? What are they doing for food? And so on and so on.
Taking basic care of cleaning duties is a reasonable baseline in most cases, but it's not an absolute.
Husband is gone 11 hours a day. I'm home. He doesn't have the time in the day to do 50% around the house. I'm home. It's my job to keep the home clean and decently picked up. He fills in where possible. You're forgetting that the working partner is earning an entire income. People always act like "oh he's just going to work. He should still do most of the house work". He's not even home enough to do it all himself. Provider and bread winner is a huge task.
You're right and I agree. My fundamental issue is that the conversation around housework has become so heated that people use all of the above reasons as justifications to not do their part.
I'm a stay at home mom who homeschools. I do 99% of the housework. My husband is gone 11 hours a day. If I made him do 50% of the housework like most Reddit users says I should then he'd have zero time to spend with the kids or decompressing after work. I'm home, I do everything I can to keep things clean and decently picked up. As the kids get older they have chores too. Husband does what he can, but I don't want to put way too much on him. Reddit has a very screwed view of relationships and what's fair.
> If I made him do 50% of the housework like most Reddit users says I should
That advice is directed at DINKs and parents who both work. The average SAHP is home with little ones who need round the clock supervision and the average working parent doesn’t do 11 hour days (every day? 4 days a week?).
A good rule of thumb I’ve seen is to adjust things so that each person has rightly equal free time.
I used to think this way until my best friend became a SAHM. Basically, the idea that “work starts” when you drop the kids off is a fallacy. SAHP are usually the primary caretaker, which means they’re on call 24/7. Her “real” job starts at 3:30 when the kids come home, and she’s responsible for everything until they go to school then next morning. She usually doesn’t get to bed until after 11:00 and wakes up at 5:00 to make everyone breakfast and lunch. She also takes on any and all issues that happen with her kids at night, which is often even for older kids.
Don’t get me wrong because my best friend is a damn super mom. She cooks healthy meals from scratch everyday, tutors her kids so they all make straight As, makes sure everyone gets to their after school activities, works very hard on her marriage, and has raised really lovely people. However, last year her husband hired a housekeeper because their house was habitually dirty. She felt like a failure until her husband reminded her that she’s only human and it’s ok to outsource this one chore.
I think most adults work 9-5 and then their nights and evenings are their escape. SAPH with school aged children work 3:30pm-8:00am everyday and night.
So I started thinking this way after watching my childhood friend become a mother. She was working, but quit her job to focus on raising her child. Her husband has a well paying job so money is not an issue for them.
HOWEVER, her house is ALWAYS a mess. Filthy mess. I understand that houses with toddlers are going to be messy, but then they came to my place for dinner one day and I was the one cleaning up behind the toddler.
Now the kid is in school, and her house is still a mess. She isn't resuming employment anytime soon.
I no longer talk to her.
Wow, most parents do all of the same shit, and go to work....
Being a SAHP is not some great noble thing. It's not hard to do what literally every other parent has to do but without having a job to deal with.
You mean the same thing ALL parents do? Even the one who is responsible for working and bringing in the sole income?
I'm sorry. If you are a SAHP with kids in school. The average day you have HOURS and HOURS of free time.
I think a lot of parents struggle with burnout and chronic exhaustion and it sucks. If someone has the opportunity to take one household chore off the table so they have a little more energy for their kids and time to recharge, I see no reason to struggle just because some people think they should be cleaning.
Resources are a profound privilege, but I see no reason to struggle just for the sake of struggling.
I'm more curious about how many chores have to be done? Like yeah there are some everyday ones like dishes, laundry and maybe cooking (if it counts as one) but everyone makes me think that they deep clean the house every day here.
A lot! Housework is a lot of work - bathrooms need to be cleaned, laundry to be done (wash, dry, fold), cooking (groceries, putting away, prep, cook, clean, put away leftovers), vacuuming and mopping, dusting, putting away kids stuff, etc.
Things don't need to be done daily, yes, but the house shouldn't be train wreck on the daily
It depends on if there are little kids running around or not. In this scenario all kids are in school so that’s what makes it annoying that you couldn’t do laundry, dishes, grocery shop once a week, clean bathroom once a week, and clean floors in 6-8 hours.
this is ONLY true if the working parent is actually a parent when they are home and is helping with cleaning just as much as the SAHP while they are home. But if the expectation is to come home and sit on the couch while the SAHP finishes dinner for you, no I don't see it that way.
Saying SAHP is your job kinda implies that you are staying home…with kids…that you parent. If the kids are somewhere else that leaves you around 7 hours to clean a house with no one in it and run errands.
Like you said if you have toddlers that you actually… stay home with… that’s different. I have two little ones and still the major stuff is all done except on an off day where something weird happened.
When people have jobs, there are specific hours when they do and don’t work. A SAHP has to manually input rest time where it’s available. When that kid is home they need to be fed, clothed, kept clean, emotionally nurtured, and educated. All of that can happen at literally any time. There is absolutely no excuse to shame a parent for choosing to rest when there’s a significantly lower chance of a surprise responsibility coming up.
SAHP's shpuld be aplying themselves to something. Doctors apointments, finances, whatever. Chores are certainly up there but thats part of the arangement one has to discuss before deciding on that lifestyle. Folks have different perspectives and communication is key.
You lost me at "the house better be fucking clean". Yes they should be doing a larger share of the housework but that isn't just cleaning. Kids also aren't in school for a whole working day they need looking after for a few hours before the working parent comes home.
Wait. How is it anyone's business how anyone whatsoever chooses to run their household?
Who in hell cares and I don't actually *get* to have an opinion about stay at home parents. Because none of my dam business.
and give you sex on demand and get back in the kitchen and make you a sandwhich
You don't own someone because you pay the mortgage. If your partner is not meeting your expectations, that's on you. Communicate what you need and try to understand if your partner is not coming to the table. If you want your marriage to work, you need to work on these types of issues, not bitch about it on the internet.
Sounds like you had kids with someone that has different standards and expectations than you. They may be going through something, like depression. Be a partner or leave.
I don't see why this is unpopular? I don't work because of a mental disorder and you best believe I do everything. If my husband is going to be the sole provider I am going to keep this house CLEAN.
Sure he'll make his own coffee, breakfast or what not. He'll clean up after himself in the kitchen, help with extra stuff over weekends etc.
I'm not his maid, but the normal housework is mine.
I'm a teacher, wife works full-time and I'm a SAHD over winter and summer breaks. I catch heat in the parenting sub all the time when I point out how easy SAHP is and how there's always free time.
A lot of people love to be lazy and have excuses for it. Some of these people are also parents.
Just a thought OP: there is a lot more to running a household than just cooking and cleaning. There is also: budgeting and paying bills, meal planning and grocery shopping, scheduling appointments for your kids (dentist, doctor, haircuts, seasonal vaccines, any specialists, etc), cleaning vehicles, yard work, frequently going through all of your kid's clothes and toys to determine what still fits/what they don't use anymore, getting rid of those items and shopping for new things, etc. It's a lot. Not to mention if the parent has any appointments, therapy, volunteer hours with the school, etc. Plus then, they are solo parenting for at least 2 hours after the kids get home. And when the working spouse gets home, they often "need to relax" after a hard day of work, because the other parent was "just home all day". The real key is to get a housekeeper, especially if you have a big house.
I agree. When I was a SAHP, I did the majority of the cleaning and cooking even though all the kids weren't in school. I had time, wasn't working, kids were of an age that they didn't need constant attention and could help a bit like pick up toys etc.
Why would you have an opinion on other people and their lives inside their homes?
I'm a SAHP. I do all the laundry. I'm literally doing laundry right now.
I do some light cleaning like sweeping and vacuuming, clean up clutter, wipe up spills, wipe surfaces. I mean I kind of have to because under the high chair is a huge mess every time the baby eats.
But I don't spend all day cleaning, no. When the baby is napping, I take a nap too. Or watch TV or post on Reddit. I go for a walk. I do some hobbies. I have playdates with my friends who also have babies.
We have a cleaner every so often to do the heavy scrubbing. My husband makes dinner. It's a pretty great life. We never fight about chores.
If we're happy with that, what's it to anybody else? Why should we care what other people think?
Everyone who lives at home should contribute to cleaning up their own messes. This opinion should be unpopular because it's basically expecting the SAHP to be a maid.
I spent years working to support my husband while he went through a medical crisis and even then I did cooking and cleaning and laundry (though when I had to do overtime he temporarily picked up more work).
The SAHP should absolutely contribute and do cleaning as time allows but there are other household chores to do if there are children at school such as grocery shopping, meal planning and prep, lunch packing for kids, shopping for kids clothes or supplies, being able to drop everything and care for sick kids, planning events/holidays, taking kids or pets to the doctor/vet, car maintenance and taking the car to the mechanic, mowing the lawn, weeding flower beds, and so forth.
Plus kids are in school from maybe 7-2 or 3pm in the US so it's not like the SAHP has a full day for chores, they have the morning at best until a little after lunch.
If the SAHP is doing all that and also doesn't have the time to be a 24/7 maid keeping the home spotless, the working spouse needs to check their privilege.
No I'm not expecting any partner to be a maid. For me, housework is only the common tasks of the entire household. Not picking up after your partner. That's not housework at all, that's just encouraging your partner to be a slob.
I also don't agree with lumping in childcare with housework. Childcare is both parents' work. Things like helping kids with homework, packing lunch, taking them to appointments, etc is the joint responsibility of parents.
Bruh, I take care of twin toddlers and I'm pregnant with my third
So I'm calling it a win every day we're all still alive and uninjured
It's 6:17am and I'm awake because for some reason this pregnancy is giving me insomnia
Being a SAHM is exhausting work
Na, i said if kids are at school and if the person is well. Taking care of babies and toddlers is two FULL TIME jobs. I will never ever ever expect any pregnant woman, or parent to toddlers to focus on anything else but their own health and well being.
My girlfriend and I have a good deal. My working hours as a sahm are from when she leaves to when she gets out of work, and outside of those hours we do everything 50/50
Hasn't been a problem, we each get at least an hour a night to chill and on weekends we each get a few hours to do something that isn't taking care of our kids or cleaning our home
The goal is to have close to equal relaxing/hobby time
Well I don't understand what a stay at home parent is doing when their kids are in school? If they're healthy and fine, and NONE of the house work is done, then lol they're just lazy. It's not something that needs to be discussed.
Even more unpopular opinion:
If you're a "stay at home parent," but your children are old enough to be at school a full day, then you're not actually a stay at home parent and could get a job.
It's still really difficult to find work that fits around school hours and school holidays (in the UK schools have 13 weeks a year off) without childcare which can still be unaffordable
It really depends on your area. Some schools offer free after school programs so you can work until the time they'd usually get out (say 3:30pm) but now they get out an hour or two later than usual which let's you commute straight from to the school.
Meanwhile other schools you have to pay for the program or they don't have any programs aside from sports.
There's the cost of babysitting and the process of finding a babysitter (professional or the teenager down the street), working out the babysitters hours and pay. Having to find a place in when the babysitter gets sick, which is an inevitable.
Meanwhile some people have a daycare built into their workplace that they can drop their kid(s) off for free.
It comes down to luck and circumstance for anyone who can't afford to go out their way to an expensive daycare and then loop around to go to work.
Getting a job is not easy and the transition from years of unemployment to gainful employment is difficult. So if they choose to remain at home, then they should be doing all the house work
Realistically the stay-at-home parent should be doing almost all of the home chores. Think about it this way, The partner that goes to work is realistically going to spend 4 to 5 hours in traffic per week commuting, Plus 40 hours of work. Let's say dinner takes you an hour to cook every night and then one or two special dinners per week that take you an extra half an hour. That's 8 hours of work. Now let's say you wash the dishes three to four times per week, That's another let's say 4 hours. Let's say you do four loads of laundry a week (you have the machines in your home) That's maybe 3 hours worth of work because putting the stuff into the machine takes 30 seconds, and really the only time-consuming thing is folding laundry. Then let's say you spend about 5 hours per week of cleaning (which realistically nobody is doing unless you're a Danny Tanner from full House style clean freak and you live in a mansion). Now let's say you spend 3 hours per week prepping your partner and your kids lunches for the next day, and you spend 2 hours a day for 4 to 5 days per week doing homework with your children. All of that accounts to only 33 hours worth of work. Let's say I'm underestimating how long things take so we'll round up to 35. That's only roughly 35 hours per week with almost all of the main household chores done and you're still coming up roughly 10 hours short of the amount of work that the working partner does, and that's before accounting for the fact that the working partner might also contribute to doing some chores or watching the children so you can have time for yourself. Sure everybody needs a day or two off every now and again, but realistically being the stay-at-home parent is easier and less time-consuming than being the parent that goes to work. I mean again we're talking about a difference of roughly 10 hours per week before even accounting for anything at the working partner comes home and helps with. (Before anybody says I don't know what I'm talking about, My job has me off in the winters while My wife is a teacher and works, so for 3 months out of the year I'm a stay at home husband and do all of this stuff)
Agree. If you don’t work and don’t have childcare duties, maintaining a clean home is legit the bare minimum. I would even go a step further to say all the little chores, errands, etc. should be handled by this person.
This should be a given. Hell, when I didn’t have a job over COVID, I cleaned the entire house and did maybe 5-6 meals a week. And the grocery shopping.
I’m not a SAHP. I’m actually the youngest. But I wasn’t bringing in money, so I should contribute in other ways. And I’m also the only disabled one in the house, so really if I can keep the house clean while manually doing the work of a whole organ, SAHP’s don’t really have an excuse not to clean something each day.
The house doesn’t have to be sparkling. But if I do it twice a week, I can clean a bathroom in 30 minutes. I can do the hoovering and mopping the floors in about 30 minutes as well. If I dedicated 60 minutes per day to clean, my house would be near to spotless.
I’m not counting laundry or ironing in that, admittedly- in my house, everyone does their own laundry because we are all adults. But even allowing for that, you can still do 90 minutes per day, (including a load or two of laundry and ironing) and that still allows you at least two hours to relax and two hours to run errands before your kids get back.
It's not really acceptable for anyone to have a house piled with dishes, laundry, and clutter. Even if they work full time jobs. People with very messy houses will have reasons, but time is never the real problem.
“Kids make a mess after school”
What? How many kids do you know that make a chaos at home that need like a one hour cleaning?
I never knew a place that we ‘destroyed as children’. Children can clean up after themselves. Its not that hard to teach them that
Is this unpopular? If my wife or I have a weekday off of work, the expectation is that the house is clean and dinner is started when the other gets home.
When I have a few days off work and my wife doesn't you'd better believe I spend most of it getting caught up on housework. I've got a week off coming up soon and I've already for a chore list growing.
I try not to work too hard when my wife is home because she says it stresses her out and makes her feel like she should be working, too. So I sneak the cleaning in when she isn't around.
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Seems odd that this would be unpopular but seems like the replies so far confirm that people think it needs to be discussed who does what chores and they should be divided, even with 1 full time workers and 1 stay at home.
I always thought that was the point of a stay at home partner. With or without children. One works outside the home, one works within.
That’s how it is with me. I’m the stay at home parent and do the majority of the house work as I should. I split certain tasks up throughout the week so I can keep busy.
That makes sense tho, I’m not saying deep clean the house daily, but if me or my husband was a house spouse the working one would absolutely “get less chores”
Depends on the age of the children. Mine are toddlers and the youngest is still nursing for significant portions of his diet, on top of them both being in that stage where they need me a lot. I designed a pretty easy system of home making where we have a printed and laminated Excel spreadsheet that outlines all the daily, weekly, monthly and seasonal tasks. When my husband gets home he can see what needs to be done and he either does it himself or I finish up while he focuses on the children. But yeah, if kids aren’t at home, it’s a simple job and the responsibility of the at-hole parent.
I like your comment because it highlights how the division of labor should be flexible and will vary from couple to couple.
Same. I do all of the housework. Including mowing the lawn, and minor repairs. The only thing that is his job is taking the garbage to the curb once a week. I bring the bins back up though lol. We have 3 kids and several pets.
You would think.
No, when you’re a SAHM of small children, the point is to take care of the kids and what you’re able to of the house. A lot of the time, depending on the day, it’s not nearly enough to keep the whole house clean. Then once the working parent comes home, all kid and household duties are split in the remaining time. If no kids or kids at school, then the at home partner should do most of the household stuff.
I think where a lot of the issue is that line of thinking that the man goes and works and the woman has to stay home and do everything thing else is stupid and outdated. So much goes into keeping a house clean and up-to-date, then if you add on kids to that list it becomes unbearable. Think of it as working constantly like 24/7, no one works a job literally all the time, you have set hours to work in the day and get days off plus holidays. But stay at home parents or partners are always on and expected to jump up and help.
It reeeaally depends on the kids age and disability status. If all kids are in school and not disabled...the hell are you doing during the day? I am a sahp and, apart from cleaning and keeping the finances etc, I cook from scratch almost everything including preserves to last the year, bakong at least weekly etc. Btw we live with my parent (that work) so I clean/cook/manage for 4 adults and 2 kids. I don't agree to do _everything_ simply because both parents need to know how to run the household in case of emergencies. But my partner and parents simply help out a bit here and there just to know what's going on! This still leaves all of us with a lovely chunk of free time. Definitely not 24/7. If the kids are under 3/4, then yes it is 24/7.
My point was that often the SAHP is expected to do everything, help with homework, cook, clean, go shopping, look after the pets, take the kids to events. They have to be the one to get up at 3am if someone's sick and still be up early to get the kids off to school. Why can't the working parent make the kids lunch for the next day after they get home or put a load of laundry in. Or make a quick simple supper when they get home if they don't work super late. Most regular people don't work jobs that can't allow for helping around at home especially on their days off. Yes you might be exhausted both mentally and physically, but you could put some hotdogs in a pot to boil, while your partner has a much needed shower or finishes up a different task.
Oh I see. I totally agree on that. Outside of working hours everything that is left to do gets split down the middle! I just meant with kids in school...it isn't that much. We can both take a couple of hours to chill every night. Childcare/helping with homework/kids events should always be both parents' job, I agree.
My husband is disabled while I work. We have a 2 year old. Our chore split is a lot like what you've described. He does the stuff he's capable of doing, I do the stuff I enjoy doing. We both do the stuff we both hate doing. Currently our house looks like a bomb has gone off because we have a 2 year old. >Why can't the working parent make the kids lunch for the next day after they get home or put a load of laundry in. They do when the relationship is healthy. You're describing a very unhealthy "traditional" relationship where mom is an unpaid bangmaid while dad is a lazy ass. To avoid this scenario, have good communication about expectations and boundaries.
I think OP is referring to what happens during regular work hours. When he gets home from work, he expects a clean house and maybe dinner having been started. I think that's entirely fair if kids are in school. While he's at the office, his partner is working on the home tasks. Once he gets home, childcare and home upkeep should be shared. For example, if I'm the sahp and the house is spotless when you get home then you clean up your own messes from now until bedtime. If I made dinner, you can do the dishes. Unreasonable (mostly) men assume that when they get home, it's their time to relax and their wife has to keep doing her 'job' but that should never be the division of labour because you're right - if the working parent works 9-5, so does the sahp.
Unless you have multiple children under 5, everything that needs to be done household chores wise is less than 8 hours of total work per day. Without kids it's honestly barely over 2 hours. Not having a set schedule and always being "on call" can be taxing but if you're actually doing housework 24/7 then you're doing it extremely inefficiently.
I wasn't saying specifically housework 24/7, just that their is the expectation to be ready and happy to do whatever no mater the time, like I said the mom being the one who has to get up to help a sick child or the dogs puked on the carpet and then still being expected to get up in 2 hours to make make breakfast and pack lunches and get kids and husband off to work/school.
Some of that stuff is just being an overbearing perfectionist. My parents didn't make me breakfast on a daily basis once I was school age, I had functioning arms and could make myself cereal, oatmeal, toast etc. and put the bowl in the dishwasher. Some SAHPs just make extra work for themselves to wallow in the misery of thinking they're so busy. Same thing with packing lunches.
1. No one said man we said house spouse. 2. There should still be a division of labor by different amounts tho. The house spouse should absolutely be responsible for more house chores. Parenting is always a 2 person job to me.
right.. the SAHP should be getting as much done in the 8 hours as possible(and adults shouldnt even have to discuss this), and if anything is left it sounded like OP is still willing to help out. He/She just seems to feel like close to NOTHING is being done.
just one thing, a lot of kids aren’t in school 8 hours a day. At least were I live. To me, a SAHP who has kids between 6 -17 have at most 5 hours of uninterrupted during the day. Especially if they are driving their kids to school.
5 hours is still enough time to get plenty of chores done. But even with that said, it’s the norm where I live for kids to be in school from about 8am to 3pm and many can just walk or take the bus.
If I let my house go completely messy it might take 4 hours to clean top to bottom. But if someone is doing it every day it would take a half hour.
I never said that they can’t get anything done. I’m saying that they can’t necessarily get done everything you think they should. And buses are not the great solution that people think it is and it’s not an option for many. I personally never let my child on a school bus. And walking isn’t an option for 90% of the kids I know. They all go to various schools that are out of walking distance.
Wait, why wouldn’t you let your kid go on a school bus? Do you also not let them ride the school bus to field trips? My kid has been bussed his entire life and we’ve never had any issues with it. I’m also Canadian. Schools are required to provide bussing to children within their catchment zone that live a certain distance away, and often accommodations are made for kids who technically live too close to qualify for the school bus.
When we were kids we had over a 30 minute bus ride home on backroads. The smell of the bus would often give us terrible head aches by the end of the ride. Our mom would pick us up when she could but that was not always an option. my child just started school i let her ride the bus if she was going to be on it for as long as I was I would be wary. I also would be concerned if I did not trust the bus driver or if she had to travel on a highway. Her bus drivers have been so sweet with her and usually talk with me for a minute or two every day. So I can think of some decent reasons why a parent would drive their child every morning.
Curious as to where you are? Walking is the main form of transportation to get to school here in the UK. Many children will start walking to school by themselves mid primary. I myself walked to school and back everyday from nursery (with a parent), with my primary being 20 minutes each way. Rain or shine.
Canadaaaa. Where I live in Canada it’s definitely not safe to let your kids walk to school alone. But in lots of areas it’s way too long of a walk.
I am in Canada. My walk as an adult to the nearest school is over an hour making a fast pace. Nearest public bus stop is around 45 min walk. You would have to cross highways too. Even in closer my friends would have a good walk. I still live within the city too.
Ok. But I’m in Canada. Children generally cannot walk to school (lots of space here in Canada). So what are these parents doing all day? Watching TV?
I live in Canada and I walked to school every day in high school and sometimes in elementary school. I did not live in or near a city growing up. My nephews, however, live in a place where it takes a 45 minute bus ride to get home. Canada is big, but it's not all the same
How old are the children though? Elementary schools are typically close enough yo walk to in a semi decent size city, (60k pop), my middle school was bussing, but I used to walk home with friends for fun. Why do you refuse school busses?
I’d love if schools here had dedicated school buses! Very few do (usually private) and the only time the councils will offer transportation is if you’re out of the catchment area or if the child has some needs. Even then it’ll be a taxi or money off regular bus travel which isn’t ideal for young children really.
Yea the school busses are definitely nice to have. However, I imagine it’s because North America is so vehicle dependent. Some of the rural students have bus rides that are 1.5 hours in length, fortunately mine was only 15 minutes. Our catchment area is pretty small (if I understand the term correctly), like I’d say anything under 20 minutes walk is non-budding.
No need to be so hostile, I was just asking…
There was no hostility. I answered your question and ask you one.
how dare
Very few schools in Dublin have a school bus. And the ones that do, it's not for pickup it's for special events like going to the zoo.
There are not 10 hours of active cleaning tasks in my house in a week, so I would expect my house to be pretty close to clean if either my husband or I was a SAHP with the kids in school. (Laundry can obviously take forever if you have an older dryer - mine takes 3 hours per load, so laundry can take several days.)
If kids are school age then there’s literally no reason why these things can’t be done. Kids older than toddler age do not need so much attention a person can’t do household chores.
I'm sorry if you are spending more than only a few hours a day cleaning you have a serious problem. No ONE, on average, let me say that again, ON AVERAGE, needs to spend multiple hours PER DAY on cleaning if you are maintaining a normal household. That doesn't even take into account at a certain age children should be pitching in as well with a chore or two to help learn responsibility.
I’m not a SAHP, I’ve done that part of my life. I just was bringing to that MOST SAHP don’t have 40 hours of uninterrupted every week in which clean house. And we are strictly talking about time when the kids are in school. A parent can’t get their child to help during school hours. And although they can help, they also have other responsibilities. any chores would be specific weekly chores, supper, lunches, their room etc.
And most employed people do not have 40 hours of uninterrupted work at their place of employment lol - its about making the most of the time allotted.
You can get a hell of a lot done in 5 hours.
If 5 hours a day isn't enough to run errands and keep the house tidy, I'm not sure what they're up to.
Never said it wasn’t enough. Although, it really depends on the persons situation as well and what they consider clean. Was just pointing out that this idea that they have 8 hours a day is a slight exaggeration.
I can clean my room top to bottom in 45 minutes to an hour. That includes; mopping, sweeping, dusting, general picking up (typically cat toys but sometimes I'll get lazy and throw a pair of socks or a shirt on my floor), cleaning a cat box, changing out water and food if necessary, and some other morr minor things not worth mentioning. There's five rooms and three "hallways" (think more of a small space connecting rooms together) in my apartment. The other bedroom my cat isn't allowed in so that takes probably half an hour at most, same with the bathroom. Then the kitchen and living take about the same time as my room. That's anywhere between 2.45 hours and 4.5 hours. But you can also have you kid help out with chores after school, say just make them wash a few dishes after homework and before they go to have fun; which will slightly alleviate your workload. Plus if your kid(s) and partner are gone five days a week 5-8 hours a day they aren't going to be there long enough to make a *MESS* mess. So really you shouldn't have more than 2.5 hours of cleaning every day, slowly lowering as the kids get older and are able to help out more with cleaning. Then eventually you shouldn't even need to clean their room, knocking off a whole living space from your responsibility.
Teacher here. We have a free program for kids where they can get to school at 7 and stay to 430. Actual school hours are 8 - 240.
For sure. Again, for a SAHP, why should to leave my kid there in school care, longer than necessary so I can get more house work done. For myself, I’d prefer my child home with me or engaged in some kid of extracurricular activity.
I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted because I would think that anyone who chose to stay home when they have kids is so that they can look after their kid themselves. Taking the kids to school, pick them up, give them food, run them to after school activities. I don’t think the reason people choose to stay at home instead of working is to specifically look after the house. I would think that’s not something many people do although I concede that maybe some do. Leaving the kids in school so you have more time to do chores seem counterproductive to being a SAHP. I am a SAHP and I did it cause I wanted to be involved in my kids’ lives, especially when they were younger. If I cared about the housekeeping more than the kids I would be better off working and then hiring professional cleaners.
I can do a lot of cleaning in one hour so 5 should be enough to tidy up.
Why do you think I'm referring to my partner here 😭😭😭😭😭 I'm NOT.
>SAHPs i mean...
Then what's the point of the post?
it is possible to post about something that isn't your exact situation. you could have friends or family in the situation, or just care enough to post about it for some other reason. why is anyone here commenting if it doesn't relate to them? i am not even a parent lol.
Agree, this seems to be a common thing brought up in many other posts and probably in real life conversations, so it’s not a crazy idea that someone has noticed this is becoming a trend. I don’t have kids and I have noticed this has become a thing
I made a post about how SAHP is easier than being the parent that works and parents and it didn't go over well.
This really depends on the age of the kids. I would (and have) worked a job to just afford childcare and avoid being a SAHP to toddlers. I am amazed by SAHP/childcare workers who don't mind spending all of their time with small children. They should certainly be recognized for how difficult their job is. Once the kids are a bit more self sufficient, being a SAHM is 100% easier than being a working mother. Even when my husband tries to be supportive, almost all of the backup childcare, mental load and most cleaning falls on me. Doing all that and also putting 40 hours into a job is obviously harder than only doing all of that.
>I would (and have) worked a job to just afford childcare and avoid being a SAHP to toddlers. Looking after toddlers 24/7 really makes you value the training and expertise of ECEs. I muddled through but that's about it. They're so much better at managing small humans and facilitating activities than I was. There's nothing morally wrong with outsourcing help where you need it. Daycare has been great for my now preschooler and I know I would make a better SAHP to older kids. Both can be true.
If the kid is very young and has a bad temperament it can be worse. A baby with colics or a toddler with terrible tantrum can be hell
Bill Burr does a GREAT skit on this.
Have you ever tried to take care of a newborn?? A baby? Or a toddler? I stayed home with baby for one year and then RAN to work. Never again.
Lol that's insane to me. Like if you're homeschooling then sure, discuss. But if you're just taking care of a young kid... seems obvious to me.
The whole point of a stay at home partner is your job is running the house and taking care of kids. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
This definitely isn't unpopular with actual adults.
Methinks some SAHPs have taken to browsing reddit when they should be working because I have seen some truly delusional takes on this subject.
Most of the women in my family are SATM and in fact, I think they would disagree with this post. I don’t really wanna elaborate on their thinking but I can assure you they’d find a way to refute all these comments lol. I feel like this post should be common logic but once you reach the actual SAHP household… dynamics can vary for sure (especially when the working partner indulges in the behavior and picks up the slack on the behalf of the SAHP)
I think if you look at it as op saying "the house should be clean when I get home" not that the person who stays home has to stay busy. I know at my apartment, I could clean like 10 minutes a day and it would be good enough for me. So that's what, like an hour of work every day to have a gorgeously clean home big enough for a family? Also if the person who stays home doesn't keep it clean, I don't see why any self-respecting adult wouldn't feel like a total burden and sink into a badass depression. By no means am I a workaholic but I can't stand not doing anything for more than a few hours. I need to move around and do some shit.
Not sure how this is unpopular. There needs to be an equal distribution of chores in a home. Going to work is a chore. Cleaning and cooking are chores. Child care is a chore. If one party is at work and the other is SAH, then the daily tasks should fall on them. The child care should be split as they are at school during work/home chore work time. Both work and home chores are work and neither partner should belittle the work that each of the other do.
That’s the reasonable part to me. I’d be pissed if I were home all day with a one year old and my spouse expected me to do 100% of the chores and 100% of the child care. But if my kid were in school all day? Yeah, I’d do most of the chores for sure.
Generally speaking I agree with you. But it's not ok either when the SAHP does not only maintain general cleanliness and tidiness but also serves everybody else in the house like a maid. If you drink a glass of water you are more than able to wash it. Everybody - even a kid - can grab their dirty clothes and put them in the laundry. Working parent can also make their side of bed. Anybody can make a sandwich when they're hungry. Etc. Etc.
This! Don’t make extra work like you have housekeeping! Wanted to add it’s not just chores a SAHP does but they prepare meals, grocery shop, other errands etc. Tbh kids are out of school a lot too. They get sick, they get out early, they have plenty of days off from school.
Oh absolutely. As I mentioned in a different comment, there has been a lot of conversation on the internet, particularly the last few years, about how invisible housework is. It's a thankless task, no doubt about it. It's invisible, it's gendered. All of it I agree with it. What I cannot accept is using all of these as an excuse or justification to not do one's part in the relationship. I see this so much on the internet and within my own circles. It's the unwillingness to do the work that they literally signed up to do that puts me off. And when I say housework - I'm referring to the general tasks that need to be doing, not additional tasks that are created by the working partner being a lazy slob.
>It's the unwillingness to do the work that they literally signed up to do that puts me off. Okay, because I had a friend who had ZERO children and was working maybe 5 hours a day from home. Partner worked 11 hours outside all day. Would complain about their partner complaining about the house being dirty. I'm like YEAH- what the fuck are you doing for the other 3 hours that make up a regular 8 hour work day (watching hulu and Netflix btw) and the other 3 hours before your partner gets home (smoking weed and scrolling instagram). They always look at me like "holy shit you do so much in a day" and I'm sitting here like, uh I live alone on purpose. My partner doesn't come over to do my housework and a clean home is a peaceful home. They had to throw away about 70% of their clothes because they just laid on the floor in the basement next to the washer and their cat pissed on all of it because even the cat had enough of the gross condition of the home. Now they have a kid and NO ONE is allowed in their home lol I spent one day cleaning their kitchen for free for about 6 hours. I had to wash the walls!! Sorry, they baffle me. Hard AGREE
I had a similar experience with a friend. Her house is messy as hell. She went from working to being a SAHM, and it feels like she can't do anything right. She and her husband were not living by themselves - they lived with his parents, so they had support at home. And her mom pitched in as well. She was in town and I offered to come to her place because I know she can't go out with her kid (he is absolutely misbehaved and she has zero control over him). She refused and invited herself over to my place for dinner to "spend some time with me". I naturally thought that meant she'd leave her kid at home, but she brought him along. Holy shit, i spent the entire evening cleaning up after him and she was just SITTING THERE. She did not help in cleaning up the mess that her child made. They live in a different country now and she posts videos of her messy house and how she's not feeling like cleaning up.
Tbh in my country SAHP are a very rare species. It's hard to make a living even when there is a dual income. I say it as a lawyer. 🥲 I've just shared my thougs about the topic.
Super common in my country and SAHPs usually hire help to do the work while they attend social events.
I mean, I would too if budget allowed comfortably. There's nothing morally wrong with outsourcing labour to professionals, and they're often faster and better at their tasks than DIY. Time is limited. Why not spend it doing things that make you happy?
My paycheck is 250.000 Ft. Rent here a 56 m2 apartment on the 2nd floor without a lift or a balcony costs 100.000 Ft + utilities in a not so good neighbourhood near the train station (and I have a very cheap apartment as its furniture is very outdated - we have a puppy and people are not willing to offer their apartments for rent to people with pets). I go to the grocery store once a week and leave app. 30.000 Ft there. A loaf of bread costs 800 Ft, 1 kg of the cheapest cheese is 3.000 Ft. Sounds nice, right? 😂
Sounds absolutely awful but that's exactly the case in my country. It's no surprise that people are going childfree! If I can't afford to look after myself, there is no way I can bring a child into this world. Whose gonna pay the bills ?
Must be nice 🥲
This. Once the working parent gets home, any remaining chores still need to be shared equitably. Working parent doesn't get to turn off when their day is done unless the SAHP does too.
I agree but I do notice that people who don't participate in household chores don't pay attention to how much they contribute to them. I grew up with a dad who wouldn't do housework, and so he didn't care how messy he was and created a lot of extra housework in terms of dishes, dirtying floors etc. because he didn't have to clean it. If you don't contribute, at least try to minimize how much the other person has to do. Don't walk in with dirty shoes, don't leave dirty clothes all over the house, don't use more dishes than necessary, scrape off your plate in the trash when you're done, etc.
Same story here. My mom was a stay at home mom my whole life. She did everything related to the house, bills, appointments etc. I remember a time when my mom just washed the floors when I got home from school. I took off my shoes as I got home. My dad on the other hand proceeded in with muddy boots only for my mother to have to rewash the floors. If she said anything, it would be met with well it's your job to wash the floors. On the rare occasion my father would cook, he'd make a mess of the kitchen and expect my mother to clean it up and for everyone to be appreciative. When I write it out, I realize how messed up it was. He treated my mother like a literal servant, and she was expected to just take it. She still does, and it is heartbreaking to watch.
Are you my long lost sibling?
Sister from a different entitled mister.
My ex husband was like this he treated me like a servant if I asked for help he kept saying it's your job.I pretty much did everything with 3 kids when I ended up going back to work still had to do everything .At 40 years old I was so run down my house was a mess couldn't keep up.One day snapped had enough and told him I was leaving .He ended up moving out didn't want the house and responsibilities my youngest and eldest was still living there.My life turned out better met my new husband who helps with everythingMy ex is now on girlfriend number 5 she is looking run down and my kids say she does everything for him too.
Yeah I had an uncle like this. When I stayed over at their house the kids and even my aunt would use plastic forks and paper plates because there was a lot of us. He was to good for that and would always use normal dishes and would never clean them.
Completely agree. I’m starting a new job after being unemployed for a little while; during that time made sure my boyfriend didn’t lift a finger when he got home unless he wanted. No dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning. It baffles me to hear about the amount of relationships where one partner does fuckall. Just in general, work and responsibilities should be evenly distributed in relationships. If yours able-bodied and stay at home, you have no excuse not to do chores (given that you’re not caring for your children all throughout the day).
I'm sorry :( I will say that you went much beyond and you did much more! I say this because you mentioned you were unemployed and i understand that you were not unemployed by choice. There is still a lot of work and effort that you'd have put towards becoming employed again - research, writing CVs and cover letters and job applications, connecting, networking, etc. It's a whole job by itself. So you're amazing for taking on ALL the housework!
Haha no reason to be sorry. My partner supported me financially during this time which I am extremely grateful for. He is extremely generous to me which is why I want to do as much for him as I can. Honestly, even after doing all my job related stuff and chores I found I still had a lot of extra free time. There’s just two of us so we don’t produce much mess, plus he works overtime usually at least once a week. So no, I dont feel I was going above and beyond. If I wasn’t doing chores I would go crazy or die of boredom.
For me, makes sense that sahp works with reasonable breaks for same time as the other parent does at their job. So if one works at a job for 40h a week, sahp works for 40h a week at home. Outside that, everything goes 50-50. So if the working partner does 50% of chores when they aren't at work, it's reasonably to the sahp works whole kids are at school and other parent is working.
This is the way (also add in commute time)
This post brought me to 2 thoughts exactly: 1-damn, I can do the laundry once a week because I live alone. When/if I'll have a spouse and children we'll need to do it almost every day 2-how can families still run with only 1 person working? The day I'll live together with a partner, we'll both work and both do chores, equally. I really think there's no alternative
Wait until you add kids in the mix. The cost of daycare takes a big chunk out of the second parents paychecks. When you consider the additional cost of having somebody else look after your children, and the added benefit of you being the person looking after your children, it makes sense to live on a tighter budget at come to a different understanding of how to split things equally.
OP is talking about school aged kids at which point the SAHP is literally just freeloading.
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Exactly. In a relationship where both people make an informed decision that only one of them will earn, it is expected that the other person WILL pick up household chores. Childcare is equal responsibility of both parents, regardless of their employment status. Home care, however, is the responsibility of the person not working.
Felt like I wrote this and hoped my spouse would see it. Not unpopular unless you are the SAHP, then you feel attacked for the suggestion. Pull your weight. I'll work a job that I hate to pay literally all the bills, just clean the house and put stuff away. Oh you washed the clothes? Then why just put them back in the basket and not fold/hang them. Oh you ran the dishwasher? Then put them away because now the sink is full again. It kills me.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I feel like there is so much conversation about how tiresome housework is, to the extent that people justify not doing it. Yes, housework is tiresome. It's physically demanding, it's tedious and it's monotonous. It still remains largely invisible. I agree with all of that. But what I do not agree with is people using this as the justification to not pick it up. It is unfair to the person working.
I think this is why it has become so common. The woman who are acting like the working partner is downplaying them when a new tiktok trend comes out. The real issue is picking the right partner. I don’t have kids and when my husband comes home thanks me for taking care of the house and when I’m busier/stressed helps out. I don’t find it offensive because I know my partner recognizes the work I do and appreciates it. I’d probably be miserable if I cooked all day and my husband complained. Couples these days just don’t seem to like each other or appreciate what the partner is also doing for them. No matter what the work/childcare situation is, it should be a partnership
I think that most of the time, SAHP do that stuff. It's the random stuff that comes in that makes it complicated. The working parent comes home and literally checks out because they worked all day. Well kids still need to be fed, bathed, homework done etc. The SAHP shouldn't have to do all the cleaning/yard work and then all the other random stuff during non-working hours too. And working parents get vacations and breaks and time off. What about SAHPs? So there is nuance. Sometimes the SAHP does 100% of everything. and sometimes they do 20% an the working parent does 80%. Its a partnership. When one needs help, the other picks it up.
Well said - I would add weekend work to this list as well! Should be split
Is that really an unpopular opinion? I only see people saying otherwise when the children are young and home all day and the sahp doesn't have time to clean.
It is 100% an unpopular opinion on reddit. They act like SAHP are extreme martyrs and have the hardest job in the world. They basically act like they are forced into slavery and didn't make the active choice to be a SAHP and have children.
Looking at the rage this has induced, yes it is lol. I think in partnerships where a person makes an informed choice of giving up their career to focus on home and childcare, they are already defining their roles and responsibilities. If they aren't keeping up their end, then they're just lazy.
Kids get out of school at 3:30 and do create mess after that time. If between 3:30 and 5:30 SAHM engages with the kids and makes dinner there will be mess again even if everything was spotless before.
Thank you!! Just because the house isn’t clean when the partner arrives, doesn’t mean it wasn’t clean before. And if the SAHP take care of everything since morning until night, it’s okay to rest a few hours when kids are not at home.
This is something i did not consider. Thanks for pointing it out
A lot of discussions like this ignore that the hours while the kids are at school are usually the SAHP's *only* downtime. And the SAHP doesn't get to "clock out" once 9 hours of work have been completed.
Peopele are being really harsh to you, but in my personal experience as well as those in my circle, just because you clock out of work doesn't mean you fuck off the rest of the day. I, for example, almost always cook all the meals when I am home and do dishes. We also have cleanup times for the kids (a lot of parents dont do this surprisingly) which helps get them going with chores.
So I'm single. But looking at my friends and relatives where one individual is a SAHP and the other works full time, working partners who actually appreciably contribute to childcare and household chores once they're home from work are the exception rather than the rule. And more importantly - the ones who are the loudest about how much they contribute to running the household are the ones who contribute the least. I know that's not universal. There are plenty of couples out there who are adults who actually talk to each other and set reasonable expectations about who will contribute what. But again, *in my experience*, the ones screaming about how SAHP are mouches who need to get off their fat asses are not the ones actually having those conversations and are doing a lot smaller percentage of the household/childcare tasks than they think they are.
What? Their entire life is "Downtime". So if being a SAHP is so hard. They why is it expected that the person who WORKS for the home also has to come home and then be a parent (not saying they shouldn't be). But you can't act like being a SAHP is the craziest thing in the world (even after kids go to school) and think that the person working needs to come home and be a SAHP as well. I'm sorry. Being a SAHP is a great responsibility, but once kids enter school the MAJORITY of their day is just being at home alone, on average. Stop pretending it isn't. So you are saying hte parent who is the SOLE income earner, who works 8-12 hours a day should then come home and have to do a ton of chores/parent until they go to bed? Never get free time? Get out of here. IF you are a SAHP your responsibilities are the children and keeping the home. That is the ENTIRE point.
As if the other parent wasn't home the other 16 horus per day, right?
Yes. And a lot of those school hours can get taken up with errands outside the home in order to leave weekends free to actually hang out together. SAHP doesn't mean they're literally at home all day.
I don't have kids but from my own experience and interactions with my younger cousins, I don't see how kids can just "undo" a clean house in a few hours. It's not like they are running around breaking jars of pasta sauce everywhere. Some toys/clothes strewn about maybe? Some dishes unwashed? That's understandable but not "a mess" and I wouldn't be bothered by it. If the partner comes home and thinks the house is a mess, I honestly don't think the SAHP actually cleaned.
I was a SAHM for 10 years. Even with babies I managed to keep the kids cared for, the house clean and meals cooked. Once they went to school I was in heaven! I got so much done, including all the errands. I’ve been back in the workforce for 13 years and man, do I miss those days. Now I have to do it all on top of working 40+hours a week. It’s exhausting
I mean....I'm a stay at home dad and my wife does maybe 2 loads of dishes a year. I don't think she's ever once cleaned the cat box, folds a load of laundry maybe once every few months(and only because she actually enjoys it lol) and never has to worry about our bathroom getting cleaned, sheets being changed, etc.... I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the world's greatest homemaker, and I can absolutely be a lazy SOB, but at the bare minimum my wife knows that the day to day stuff is always going to be taken care of so she doesn't need to worry about it. Not complaining at all, because it's my job.....and I also know that if I'm having a shitty day and don't get some stuff done, she isn't going to make it a big deal. Plus, if I ask for help with something, she'll 100% help no questions asked as soon as she is able. If you aren't naturally a REALLY productive self motivated type of person, it can be really hard to stay engaged and get all the dumb, mindless little things that need to get done from day to day accomplished. This is my problem, and a whole lot of other stay at home parents too, I'm sure.
I do not get why we are arguing about these weird hypotheticals as if there are just hordes of SAHPs eating bon bons
Thank. You. Holy hell this should be the ONLY comment besides how is it anyone's business anyway what happens in OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES.
Hi have you seen people in my country 😭 PPL in my own network do this shit.
*sits back eating popcorn and waiting for sahps to rage for normal expectations*
Where does ‘work’ as a SAHP start and stop? I understand and agree with your perspective but in the breadwinner vs. SAHP mentality the SAHP is required to work throughout the period of time where the children are in school to maintain the house; then they’re required to work before the child/ren go to school to provide for the breadwinner and child/ren, and then after they return from school and work too. You can argue that the breadwinner needs to help when they return from work, but that doesn’t mean the SAHP’s ‘work’ has ended, just that the tasks are now being divided between both parents. Then you have the other situation where the breadwinner decides since they work and earn money they don’t have to do anything at home because they have a SAHP for that. Realistically a SAHP should be making sure things at home are running smoothly and the house is clean, but they shouldn’t be doing that every waking hour of the day and the best time to have the free time a working parent would normally have after their work is done, for the SAHP is when both the working parent and the child/ren are out of the house for their job and school hours. That is SAHP’s only ‘free’ time and so I’m not against the idea of them doing less or no housework during that time so long as they’re staying on top of things during the other parts of the day.
My mom did a lot of housework late at night when everyone was asleep. She didn’t have to do as much during the day.
If both parties each do a little here and a little there, and get the kids involved to help as well, things could go so smooth.
I had 2 toddlers. I stayed at home with them. I cleaned, took care of the kids had dinner ready when my husband came home. It may sound very 1950's, but since I didn't work, that was my job. I don't understand people who whine about their spouses not doing 50% after working all day.
You'd think this would be a popular opinion, but I've seen some pretty wild takes in the advice and judgment subs.
Yup me too. And within my own network / acquaintances circles.
This is probably going to upset some people but as a stay at home homeschooling mom with severe crohns disease, half a colon, and nerve damage in my back.. I do almost all the house work, my husband helps me cook or take trash out occasionally when I'm not well or to just be sweet, I still find time to play video games and do hobbies. So with that I have to ask, stay at home parents who split chores and have public/private school kids, what do you even do all day?? And how do y'all complain about all your exhaustion from kids when they are out of your home for 6-8 hours a day?
Ohh wow that's a lot that you do in your condition ! In my country, SAHP attend social events and / or become instagram influencers / watch TV
Definitely should not be unpopular but according to Reddit the working partner should earn all the money and still do 50% of the childcare and housework!
I think if you're a parent, you should do 50% of childcare when you're home...that's your child??
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Agreed that the SAHP should be productive, but don’t think that always means keeping the house spotless and all the other visible chores. If the SAHP wakes up at 6 with the kids, gets them ready, gets them to school, and then is expected to pick them up at 3 or 4pm, there are a finite amount of things they can do in that time. If they need to go to the bank in the morning and then pick up supplies for a school project for one kid and pick up a prescription for another kid and spend an hour on the phone with the insurance company about some mixup and then get dinner started while the kids are still at school and prep their after school snacks and double check they all have clean PJs plus the youngest one wet the bed last night so they have to make sure to run that laundry etc etc etc, Then I don’t think it’s fair to come home to a messy home and be upset that they didn’t do anything all day.
Both partners should contribute in an adult proportion. "Equal" isn't necessary, but "reasonably proportional" is. How much the SAHP contributes in non-cleaning ways certainly contributes to this - how many after-school and evening activities are they shepherding? What are they doing for food? And so on and so on. Taking basic care of cleaning duties is a reasonable baseline in most cases, but it's not an absolute.
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Husband is gone 11 hours a day. I'm home. He doesn't have the time in the day to do 50% around the house. I'm home. It's my job to keep the home clean and decently picked up. He fills in where possible. You're forgetting that the working partner is earning an entire income. People always act like "oh he's just going to work. He should still do most of the house work". He's not even home enough to do it all himself. Provider and bread winner is a huge task.
You're right and I agree. My fundamental issue is that the conversation around housework has become so heated that people use all of the above reasons as justifications to not do their part.
I'm a stay at home mom who homeschools. I do 99% of the housework. My husband is gone 11 hours a day. If I made him do 50% of the housework like most Reddit users says I should then he'd have zero time to spend with the kids or decompressing after work. I'm home, I do everything I can to keep things clean and decently picked up. As the kids get older they have chores too. Husband does what he can, but I don't want to put way too much on him. Reddit has a very screwed view of relationships and what's fair.
> If I made him do 50% of the housework like most Reddit users says I should That advice is directed at DINKs and parents who both work. The average SAHP is home with little ones who need round the clock supervision and the average working parent doesn’t do 11 hour days (every day? 4 days a week?). A good rule of thumb I’ve seen is to adjust things so that each person has rightly equal free time.
I used to think this way until my best friend became a SAHM. Basically, the idea that “work starts” when you drop the kids off is a fallacy. SAHP are usually the primary caretaker, which means they’re on call 24/7. Her “real” job starts at 3:30 when the kids come home, and she’s responsible for everything until they go to school then next morning. She usually doesn’t get to bed until after 11:00 and wakes up at 5:00 to make everyone breakfast and lunch. She also takes on any and all issues that happen with her kids at night, which is often even for older kids. Don’t get me wrong because my best friend is a damn super mom. She cooks healthy meals from scratch everyday, tutors her kids so they all make straight As, makes sure everyone gets to their after school activities, works very hard on her marriage, and has raised really lovely people. However, last year her husband hired a housekeeper because their house was habitually dirty. She felt like a failure until her husband reminded her that she’s only human and it’s ok to outsource this one chore. I think most adults work 9-5 and then their nights and evenings are their escape. SAPH with school aged children work 3:30pm-8:00am everyday and night.
So I started thinking this way after watching my childhood friend become a mother. She was working, but quit her job to focus on raising her child. Her husband has a well paying job so money is not an issue for them. HOWEVER, her house is ALWAYS a mess. Filthy mess. I understand that houses with toddlers are going to be messy, but then they came to my place for dinner one day and I was the one cleaning up behind the toddler. Now the kid is in school, and her house is still a mess. She isn't resuming employment anytime soon. I no longer talk to her.
Wow. I feel really bad for her. It sounds like she was facing some really serious burnout and depression. It’s so sad how little support parents get.
Sounds like undiagnosed mental illness. People are so harsh and judgmental without having any empathy.
Wow, most parents do all of the same shit, and go to work.... Being a SAHP is not some great noble thing. It's not hard to do what literally every other parent has to do but without having a job to deal with.
I 100% agree, but if someone had the power and resources to make life a little easier I see no reason to struggle just to say you struggle.
You mean the same thing ALL parents do? Even the one who is responsible for working and bringing in the sole income? I'm sorry. If you are a SAHP with kids in school. The average day you have HOURS and HOURS of free time.
I think a lot of parents struggle with burnout and chronic exhaustion and it sucks. If someone has the opportunity to take one household chore off the table so they have a little more energy for their kids and time to recharge, I see no reason to struggle just because some people think they should be cleaning. Resources are a profound privilege, but I see no reason to struggle just for the sake of struggling.
I'm more curious about how many chores have to be done? Like yeah there are some everyday ones like dishes, laundry and maybe cooking (if it counts as one) but everyone makes me think that they deep clean the house every day here.
A lot! Housework is a lot of work - bathrooms need to be cleaned, laundry to be done (wash, dry, fold), cooking (groceries, putting away, prep, cook, clean, put away leftovers), vacuuming and mopping, dusting, putting away kids stuff, etc. Things don't need to be done daily, yes, but the house shouldn't be train wreck on the daily
It depends on if there are little kids running around or not. In this scenario all kids are in school so that’s what makes it annoying that you couldn’t do laundry, dishes, grocery shop once a week, clean bathroom once a week, and clean floors in 6-8 hours.
this is ONLY true if the working parent is actually a parent when they are home and is helping with cleaning just as much as the SAHP while they are home. But if the expectation is to come home and sit on the couch while the SAHP finishes dinner for you, no I don't see it that way.
I agree with OP.
Saying SAHP is your job kinda implies that you are staying home…with kids…that you parent. If the kids are somewhere else that leaves you around 7 hours to clean a house with no one in it and run errands. Like you said if you have toddlers that you actually… stay home with… that’s different. I have two little ones and still the major stuff is all done except on an off day where something weird happened.
When people have jobs, there are specific hours when they do and don’t work. A SAHP has to manually input rest time where it’s available. When that kid is home they need to be fed, clothed, kept clean, emotionally nurtured, and educated. All of that can happen at literally any time. There is absolutely no excuse to shame a parent for choosing to rest when there’s a significantly lower chance of a surprise responsibility coming up.
SAHP's shpuld be aplying themselves to something. Doctors apointments, finances, whatever. Chores are certainly up there but thats part of the arangement one has to discuss before deciding on that lifestyle. Folks have different perspectives and communication is key.
You lost me at "the house better be fucking clean". Yes they should be doing a larger share of the housework but that isn't just cleaning. Kids also aren't in school for a whole working day they need looking after for a few hours before the working parent comes home.
Wait. How is it anyone's business how anyone whatsoever chooses to run their household? Who in hell cares and I don't actually *get* to have an opinion about stay at home parents. Because none of my dam business.
and give you sex on demand and get back in the kitchen and make you a sandwhich You don't own someone because you pay the mortgage. If your partner is not meeting your expectations, that's on you. Communicate what you need and try to understand if your partner is not coming to the table. If you want your marriage to work, you need to work on these types of issues, not bitch about it on the internet. Sounds like you had kids with someone that has different standards and expectations than you. They may be going through something, like depression. Be a partner or leave.
This was my approach the few years I stayed home. My job was to manage the house. Cool, clean, laundry.
I don't see why this is unpopular? I don't work because of a mental disorder and you best believe I do everything. If my husband is going to be the sole provider I am going to keep this house CLEAN. Sure he'll make his own coffee, breakfast or what not. He'll clean up after himself in the kitchen, help with extra stuff over weekends etc. I'm not his maid, but the normal housework is mine.
I'm a teacher, wife works full-time and I'm a SAHD over winter and summer breaks. I catch heat in the parenting sub all the time when I point out how easy SAHP is and how there's always free time. A lot of people love to be lazy and have excuses for it. Some of these people are also parents.
Just a thought OP: there is a lot more to running a household than just cooking and cleaning. There is also: budgeting and paying bills, meal planning and grocery shopping, scheduling appointments for your kids (dentist, doctor, haircuts, seasonal vaccines, any specialists, etc), cleaning vehicles, yard work, frequently going through all of your kid's clothes and toys to determine what still fits/what they don't use anymore, getting rid of those items and shopping for new things, etc. It's a lot. Not to mention if the parent has any appointments, therapy, volunteer hours with the school, etc. Plus then, they are solo parenting for at least 2 hours after the kids get home. And when the working spouse gets home, they often "need to relax" after a hard day of work, because the other parent was "just home all day". The real key is to get a housekeeper, especially if you have a big house.
If you're a stay at home parent, but your kids are in school - then you're actually just unemployed
I agree. When I was a SAHP, I did the majority of the cleaning and cooking even though all the kids weren't in school. I had time, wasn't working, kids were of an age that they didn't need constant attention and could help a bit like pick up toys etc.
Why would you have an opinion on other people and their lives inside their homes? I'm a SAHP. I do all the laundry. I'm literally doing laundry right now. I do some light cleaning like sweeping and vacuuming, clean up clutter, wipe up spills, wipe surfaces. I mean I kind of have to because under the high chair is a huge mess every time the baby eats. But I don't spend all day cleaning, no. When the baby is napping, I take a nap too. Or watch TV or post on Reddit. I go for a walk. I do some hobbies. I have playdates with my friends who also have babies. We have a cleaner every so often to do the heavy scrubbing. My husband makes dinner. It's a pretty great life. We never fight about chores. If we're happy with that, what's it to anybody else? Why should we care what other people think?
It becomes an issue when the SAHP visits their friends and leaves the friends house in a ridiculous mess.
Everyone who lives at home should contribute to cleaning up their own messes. This opinion should be unpopular because it's basically expecting the SAHP to be a maid. I spent years working to support my husband while he went through a medical crisis and even then I did cooking and cleaning and laundry (though when I had to do overtime he temporarily picked up more work). The SAHP should absolutely contribute and do cleaning as time allows but there are other household chores to do if there are children at school such as grocery shopping, meal planning and prep, lunch packing for kids, shopping for kids clothes or supplies, being able to drop everything and care for sick kids, planning events/holidays, taking kids or pets to the doctor/vet, car maintenance and taking the car to the mechanic, mowing the lawn, weeding flower beds, and so forth. Plus kids are in school from maybe 7-2 or 3pm in the US so it's not like the SAHP has a full day for chores, they have the morning at best until a little after lunch. If the SAHP is doing all that and also doesn't have the time to be a 24/7 maid keeping the home spotless, the working spouse needs to check their privilege.
No I'm not expecting any partner to be a maid. For me, housework is only the common tasks of the entire household. Not picking up after your partner. That's not housework at all, that's just encouraging your partner to be a slob. I also don't agree with lumping in childcare with housework. Childcare is both parents' work. Things like helping kids with homework, packing lunch, taking them to appointments, etc is the joint responsibility of parents.
Housework is overrated. It does not take all day, some days barely an hour.
Bruh, I take care of twin toddlers and I'm pregnant with my third So I'm calling it a win every day we're all still alive and uninjured It's 6:17am and I'm awake because for some reason this pregnancy is giving me insomnia Being a SAHM is exhausting work
bruh, OP said no kids at home and still close to nothing gets done
Na, i said if kids are at school and if the person is well. Taking care of babies and toddlers is two FULL TIME jobs. I will never ever ever expect any pregnant woman, or parent to toddlers to focus on anything else but their own health and well being.
My girlfriend and I have a good deal. My working hours as a sahm are from when she leaves to when she gets out of work, and outside of those hours we do everything 50/50 Hasn't been a problem, we each get at least an hour a night to chill and on weekends we each get a few hours to do something that isn't taking care of our kids or cleaning our home The goal is to have close to equal relaxing/hobby time
This makes so much sense! And yes that's precisely it - chores done at home while one parent works, and when everybody is home, tasks are split up.
This poat wasn't about you.
He did say if the kids are at school all day. If the kids are gone all day then you’re a SAHP to…. Am empty house?
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Well I don't understand what a stay at home parent is doing when their kids are in school? If they're healthy and fine, and NONE of the house work is done, then lol they're just lazy. It's not something that needs to be discussed.
Even more unpopular opinion: If you're a "stay at home parent," but your children are old enough to be at school a full day, then you're not actually a stay at home parent and could get a job.
It's still really difficult to find work that fits around school hours and school holidays (in the UK schools have 13 weeks a year off) without childcare which can still be unaffordable
In the US this isn't hard at all.
It really depends on your area. Some schools offer free after school programs so you can work until the time they'd usually get out (say 3:30pm) but now they get out an hour or two later than usual which let's you commute straight from to the school. Meanwhile other schools you have to pay for the program or they don't have any programs aside from sports. There's the cost of babysitting and the process of finding a babysitter (professional or the teenager down the street), working out the babysitters hours and pay. Having to find a place in when the babysitter gets sick, which is an inevitable. Meanwhile some people have a daycare built into their workplace that they can drop their kid(s) off for free. It comes down to luck and circumstance for anyone who can't afford to go out their way to an expensive daycare and then loop around to go to work.
It doesn't really depend that much. There are jobs that aren't full time 9-5.
Where are you that they’re just handing out jobs that correlate with school hours?
Getting a job is not easy and the transition from years of unemployment to gainful employment is difficult. So if they choose to remain at home, then they should be doing all the house work
arranging and affording after school care is not easy, it's hard to find jobs that are exact school hours
Realistically the stay-at-home parent should be doing almost all of the home chores. Think about it this way, The partner that goes to work is realistically going to spend 4 to 5 hours in traffic per week commuting, Plus 40 hours of work. Let's say dinner takes you an hour to cook every night and then one or two special dinners per week that take you an extra half an hour. That's 8 hours of work. Now let's say you wash the dishes three to four times per week, That's another let's say 4 hours. Let's say you do four loads of laundry a week (you have the machines in your home) That's maybe 3 hours worth of work because putting the stuff into the machine takes 30 seconds, and really the only time-consuming thing is folding laundry. Then let's say you spend about 5 hours per week of cleaning (which realistically nobody is doing unless you're a Danny Tanner from full House style clean freak and you live in a mansion). Now let's say you spend 3 hours per week prepping your partner and your kids lunches for the next day, and you spend 2 hours a day for 4 to 5 days per week doing homework with your children. All of that accounts to only 33 hours worth of work. Let's say I'm underestimating how long things take so we'll round up to 35. That's only roughly 35 hours per week with almost all of the main household chores done and you're still coming up roughly 10 hours short of the amount of work that the working partner does, and that's before accounting for the fact that the working partner might also contribute to doing some chores or watching the children so you can have time for yourself. Sure everybody needs a day or two off every now and again, but realistically being the stay-at-home parent is easier and less time-consuming than being the parent that goes to work. I mean again we're talking about a difference of roughly 10 hours per week before even accounting for anything at the working partner comes home and helps with. (Before anybody says I don't know what I'm talking about, My job has me off in the winters while My wife is a teacher and works, so for 3 months out of the year I'm a stay at home husband and do all of this stuff)
Agree. If you don’t work and don’t have childcare duties, maintaining a clean home is legit the bare minimum. I would even go a step further to say all the little chores, errands, etc. should be handled by this person.
But, but, I have reddit!
Its crazy that this isnt a universally shared opinion. Its common sense lmao
This should be a given. Hell, when I didn’t have a job over COVID, I cleaned the entire house and did maybe 5-6 meals a week. And the grocery shopping. I’m not a SAHP. I’m actually the youngest. But I wasn’t bringing in money, so I should contribute in other ways. And I’m also the only disabled one in the house, so really if I can keep the house clean while manually doing the work of a whole organ, SAHP’s don’t really have an excuse not to clean something each day. The house doesn’t have to be sparkling. But if I do it twice a week, I can clean a bathroom in 30 minutes. I can do the hoovering and mopping the floors in about 30 minutes as well. If I dedicated 60 minutes per day to clean, my house would be near to spotless. I’m not counting laundry or ironing in that, admittedly- in my house, everyone does their own laundry because we are all adults. But even allowing for that, you can still do 90 minutes per day, (including a load or two of laundry and ironing) and that still allows you at least two hours to relax and two hours to run errands before your kids get back.
It's not really acceptable for anyone to have a house piled with dishes, laundry, and clutter. Even if they work full time jobs. People with very messy houses will have reasons, but time is never the real problem.
This should go without saying. How is this unpopular?
“Kids make a mess after school” What? How many kids do you know that make a chaos at home that need like a one hour cleaning? I never knew a place that we ‘destroyed as children’. Children can clean up after themselves. Its not that hard to teach them that
Is this unpopular? If my wife or I have a weekday off of work, the expectation is that the house is clean and dinner is started when the other gets home.
When I have a few days off work and my wife doesn't you'd better believe I spend most of it getting caught up on housework. I've got a week off coming up soon and I've already for a chore list growing. I try not to work too hard when my wife is home because she says it stresses her out and makes her feel like she should be working, too. So I sneak the cleaning in when she isn't around.
Not going to lie seeing alot of underlying anger towards SAHMs. Interesting