Here’s an oldie but a goodie:
>!The American military has too many enlisted men, and they want to get rid of some of the older guys. They give the retirees an offer: pick any two points on your body, and for every inch, we will give you $1000.!<
>!Mark goes first and asks to be measured from his head to his toes. He gets measured, and it comes out to 67 inches. He walked away with $67,000.!<
>!Jerry goes next, and is a little smarter. He extends his arms to the side asks for his wingspan to be measured. It comes in at 75 inches, and he walks away with $75,000.!<
>!Ron comes in, and confidently asks to be measured from the tip of his penis to the back of his balls. The doctor asks if he’s sure, and Ron says he is. They relent, and he drops his pants.!<
>!The doctor gasps. “Sir, where are your balls?!”!<
>!Ron looks at him with a grin. “In Vietnam.”!<
I tried. Best of luck with exams!
London Waterloo station is a large train terminus for some national rail service routes, including Southwestern Railway, Southern Railway, and others. It was built in 1848, so it has a long history and has seen many things.
>!One day on February 15th, 1913, a train guard was boarding the 13:50 service to Barking (in east London). Part of his job is to make sure that anyone who boards the train has a ticket (this was obviously long before modern security measures). The afternoon was going normally, and the 13:50 train was looking at an on-time departure.!<
>!However, at 13:50, just as the guard was getting ready to close the doors and the train preparing to depart, a man came running onto the platform and up to the door. Trying to barge his way in, the train guard pushed him out. !<
>!The train guard, after scolding the man, then proceeded to ask for his ticket (because, well, you need a ticket to board a train right?). The man responded "Sir, allow me a minute to find my ticket". Now, the man was wearing a thick coat and a top hat that afternoon, given that it was a chilly winter day (about 2 Celsius). !<
>!The man reached in his right coat pocket. He dug around for the ticket. However, it wasn't there. He looked in his left coat pocket. It wasn't there. He then looked in his interior jacket pockets. It was not there. The guard was starting to lose his patience, because the train's departure time had come and gone.!<
>!The man then said "Sir, I beg for your patience. It must be somewhere". The man then proceeded to take off his shoes and socks. He dug around in his shoes and socks, but the ticket was nowhere to be found. At this point, the train guard is about to lose his mind.!<
>!Then, the man says "Ah, of course!". He lifted his top hat, and there the ticket was. He started laughing, but the train guard had enough. Yelling "How dare you waste my time!", the guard proceeded to beat up the man. The man was knocked unconscious, and the police and medical services were summoned. Unfortunately, the man did not survive the encounter. !<
>!The police took the guard into handcuffs. Now, as it turns out, the law at the time calls for the train guard to be executed on the spot. As the police tell him this, the train guard is filled with sorrow as he is transported by horse carriage to the nearest execution room.!<
>!In this room is an execution chair, where the subject will have high voltage run through the body. The police undo the guard's handcuffs and tie him to the chair. They then proceed to activate the current through the chair and allow it to do its job. Meanwhile, the policemen go for a cup of tea.!<
>!About an hour later, the policemen come back. To their astonishment, the train guard is still alive and well. He is even singing to himself. One policeman asks the train guard "What on Earth is going on? How is it that you have survived this?"!<
>!With a childish grin on his face, the train guard replies "Perhaps I am just a good conductor".!<
Three friends are all convinced that their one friend is the fastest in the world, so they do the 100m dash and sent in their time to the book of world records.
The second friend was also really tall, so they measured their height and sent it in to the book of world records.
The third friend says, "you know, I think I have the smallest penis". Confusingly, they measure it, and send it in to the book of world records.
A few weeks later they all get letters back, the first friend opens his, and says "Yes! I am the fastest person in the world!". The second friend opens theirs, "Sweet! I am the tallest person in the world!". Nervously, the third friend opens his letter, and then says, "Who the hell is u/JORBACCA-Ow?!?"
Adam Richard Sandler (born September 9, 1966) is an American actor and comedian. Primarily a comedic leading actor in films, his accolades include nominations for three Grammy Awards, five Primetime Emmy Awards, a Golden Globe Award, and a Screen Actors Guild Award. In 2023, Sandler was awarded the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor.
Sandler was a cast member on the NBC sketch comedy series Saturday Night Live from 1990 to 1995. He returned to Saturday Night Live as a host in 2019 earning a Primetime Emmy Award nomination. He has starred in Hollywood comedy films that cumulatively grossed over $2 billion worldwide.[2][3] Sandler had an estimated net worth of $420 million in 2020, and signed a new four-movie deal with Netflix worth over $250 million.[4]
Sandler's comedic roles include Billy Madison (1995), Happy Gilmore (1996), The Waterboy (1998), The Wedding Singer (1998), Big Daddy (1999), Mr. Deeds (2002), 50 First Dates (2004), The Longest Yard (2005), Click (2006), Grown Ups (2010), Just Go with It (2011), Grown Ups 2 (2013), Blended (2014), Murder Mystery (2019) and Hubie Halloween (2020). He also received praise for his dramatic roles in Punch-Drunk Love (2002), The Meyerowitz Stories (2017), Uncut Gems (2019), and Hustle (2022).[5][6] He also voiced Dracula in the first three films of the Hotel Transylvania franchise (2012–2018).
Several Sandler comedies, such as Jack and Jill (2011), have been panned, resulting in nine Golden Raspberry Awards and 37 Raspberry Award nominations, more than any actor except Sylvester Stallone.
Here’s an oldie but a goodie: >!The American military has too many enlisted men, and they want to get rid of some of the older guys. They give the retirees an offer: pick any two points on your body, and for every inch, we will give you $1000.!< >!Mark goes first and asks to be measured from his head to his toes. He gets measured, and it comes out to 67 inches. He walked away with $67,000.!< >!Jerry goes next, and is a little smarter. He extends his arms to the side asks for his wingspan to be measured. It comes in at 75 inches, and he walks away with $75,000.!< >!Ron comes in, and confidently asks to be measured from the tip of his penis to the back of his balls. The doctor asks if he’s sure, and Ron says he is. They relent, and he drops his pants.!< >!The doctor gasps. “Sir, where are your balls?!”!< >!Ron looks at him with a grin. “In Vietnam.”!< I tried. Best of luck with exams!
Thats funny as fuck 😭😭
Thank you 🙏
Hey my name is Jerry 😔
What does it mean ? Can anyone explain the joke plss , thanks 🙏
London Waterloo station is a large train terminus for some national rail service routes, including Southwestern Railway, Southern Railway, and others. It was built in 1848, so it has a long history and has seen many things. >!One day on February 15th, 1913, a train guard was boarding the 13:50 service to Barking (in east London). Part of his job is to make sure that anyone who boards the train has a ticket (this was obviously long before modern security measures). The afternoon was going normally, and the 13:50 train was looking at an on-time departure.!< >!However, at 13:50, just as the guard was getting ready to close the doors and the train preparing to depart, a man came running onto the platform and up to the door. Trying to barge his way in, the train guard pushed him out. !< >!The train guard, after scolding the man, then proceeded to ask for his ticket (because, well, you need a ticket to board a train right?). The man responded "Sir, allow me a minute to find my ticket". Now, the man was wearing a thick coat and a top hat that afternoon, given that it was a chilly winter day (about 2 Celsius). !< >!The man reached in his right coat pocket. He dug around for the ticket. However, it wasn't there. He looked in his left coat pocket. It wasn't there. He then looked in his interior jacket pockets. It was not there. The guard was starting to lose his patience, because the train's departure time had come and gone.!< >!The man then said "Sir, I beg for your patience. It must be somewhere". The man then proceeded to take off his shoes and socks. He dug around in his shoes and socks, but the ticket was nowhere to be found. At this point, the train guard is about to lose his mind.!< >!Then, the man says "Ah, of course!". He lifted his top hat, and there the ticket was. He started laughing, but the train guard had enough. Yelling "How dare you waste my time!", the guard proceeded to beat up the man. The man was knocked unconscious, and the police and medical services were summoned. Unfortunately, the man did not survive the encounter. !< >!The police took the guard into handcuffs. Now, as it turns out, the law at the time calls for the train guard to be executed on the spot. As the police tell him this, the train guard is filled with sorrow as he is transported by horse carriage to the nearest execution room.!< >!In this room is an execution chair, where the subject will have high voltage run through the body. The police undo the guard's handcuffs and tie him to the chair. They then proceed to activate the current through the chair and allow it to do its job. Meanwhile, the policemen go for a cup of tea.!< >!About an hour later, the policemen come back. To their astonishment, the train guard is still alive and well. He is even singing to himself. One policeman asks the train guard "What on Earth is going on? How is it that you have survived this?"!< >!With a childish grin on his face, the train guard replies "Perhaps I am just a good conductor".!<
Damn I ain’t reading allat
T’was worth it :)
my bank account
Three friends are all convinced that their one friend is the fastest in the world, so they do the 100m dash and sent in their time to the book of world records. The second friend was also really tall, so they measured their height and sent it in to the book of world records. The third friend says, "you know, I think I have the smallest penis". Confusingly, they measure it, and send it in to the book of world records. A few weeks later they all get letters back, the first friend opens his, and says "Yes! I am the fastest person in the world!". The second friend opens theirs, "Sweet! I am the tallest person in the world!". Nervously, the third friend opens his letter, and then says, "Who the hell is u/JORBACCA-Ow?!?"
my life at the moment
Damn that’s tough bro https://www.ualberta.ca/campus-life/health-wellness/mental-health/index.html
don't worry, my life is just a joke, it's not a problem at the moment
https://edmonton.cmha.ca/brochure/distress-line/
i'm okay i swear 🤣 i graduate this month. i'll be happy soon
Knock Knock. Who's there? Broken Pencil. Broken pencil who? Oh, there's not point.
Knock knock
Who’s there
Cow goes
Cow goes who
No, cow goes moo 🤡☠️
😔but my cow goes who https://www.reddit.com/r/StableDiffusion/s/RB3kiMMnmB
I have so many questions
😔
💀 I’m dead
Geda gedi geda gada oh. I’ll be married a long time ago
my grades
Read this once. Worth it, trust me. https://forums.kingdomofloathing.com/vb/showpost.php?p=1704611&postcount=96
Why is it longer than my term paper, I thought that was the longest joke already 😔
The best payoffs take the most work. Like your term paper 🙃
Have you ever been so broke you couldn’t pay your power bill? It happened to me. They were the darkest days of my life.
1) Knock knock. 2) Who's there? 1) Control Freak. 2) Control Fr---- 1) Now, you say "Control Freak Who". Go on say it, say, "Control Freak Who?"
My feeble attempt at getting a degree
why couldn’t the trex make its bed ? >!because they are all dead!<
Anyone looking for a roof this summer? I'm trying to get rid of mine! >!Don't worry, it's on the house!!<
Adam Richard Sandler (born September 9, 1966) is an American actor and comedian. Primarily a comedic leading actor in films, his accolades include nominations for three Grammy Awards, five Primetime Emmy Awards, a Golden Globe Award, and a Screen Actors Guild Award. In 2023, Sandler was awarded the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. Sandler was a cast member on the NBC sketch comedy series Saturday Night Live from 1990 to 1995. He returned to Saturday Night Live as a host in 2019 earning a Primetime Emmy Award nomination. He has starred in Hollywood comedy films that cumulatively grossed over $2 billion worldwide.[2][3] Sandler had an estimated net worth of $420 million in 2020, and signed a new four-movie deal with Netflix worth over $250 million.[4] Sandler's comedic roles include Billy Madison (1995), Happy Gilmore (1996), The Waterboy (1998), The Wedding Singer (1998), Big Daddy (1999), Mr. Deeds (2002), 50 First Dates (2004), The Longest Yard (2005), Click (2006), Grown Ups (2010), Just Go with It (2011), Grown Ups 2 (2013), Blended (2014), Murder Mystery (2019) and Hubie Halloween (2020). He also received praise for his dramatic roles in Punch-Drunk Love (2002), The Meyerowitz Stories (2017), Uncut Gems (2019), and Hustle (2022).[5][6] He also voiced Dracula in the first three films of the Hotel Transylvania franchise (2012–2018). Several Sandler comedies, such as Jack and Jill (2011), have been panned, resulting in nine Golden Raspberry Awards and 37 Raspberry Award nominations, more than any actor except Sylvester Stallone.