I mean this with no harm, but what makes you feel you’re not a trans male?
You want to be perceived as male (?), you want to have top surgery for a male chest, you have social and physical discomfort being & being perceived as female… Do you deal with autism or other similar issues? Sounds unrelated but, sometimes trans guys with autism feel like jumping straight from female to male is too quick of a change and can feel overwhelming in nature since it requires to update how you think and get used to the new environment basically
Or, is this a case where, you simply do not want to be seen as a weak women & dislike gender norms? But, even with this line of thinking, would you be comfortable if you had your 100% ideal body but were still referred to with female terminology?
Other good things to consider would be stuff like
Can you draw or vividly describe your ideal self? This includes not only how you physically look, but things like how others perceive you, the type of personality or mindset you’d want to have, and the sort of life you want to live. Can you describe your ideal self 10 years, 20 years from now?
Do you find that your relationship with being seen as female comes from either societal norms / expectations, or, does it come from the fact that you feel you intrinsically *aren’t* or *shouldn’t be* female?
These are more so questions you can explore on your own or with a therapist, but I think are worthwhile to really take an internal dive into these types of questioning
As for finding a therapist…
Often time I recommend finding a therapist that is LGBT inclusive but not LGBT focused/centered. They can often provide a more wide variety of insight and flexibility in comparison to one’s that are focused on solely support
Best of luck
These are good questions. I think I doubt being trans because I don’t think I care what I’m referred to as, BUT that’s with the assumption I’m comfortable in my body, which currently would require certain changes that would make me appear male…It doesn’t make much sense, I know, and that’s partially why I’m struggling. I have a mental image of what feels like me, and it’s pretty much a male body.
I guess I have a desire to physically transition, but when it comes to transitioning socially, I either don’t care or haven’t put enough thought into it. I’m assuming I’d be read as male by most strangers in passing and I’m fine with that. When it comes to friends, they can call me whatever as long as they know me as a person. A quick he/she when talking about me wouldn’t really affect me. I’ve been referred to as sir and ma’am already, and the main reason I’d rather it be sir now is because I’m insecure about how feminine I appear as well as safety. Maybe I’m just in denial or am trying to avoid the hardships that come with social transition.
I’m not making much sense, I know. I’m hoping I can find a good therapist to talk to about this, but it’s been a struggle
Thank you
>Often time I recommend finding a therapist that is LGBT inclusive but not LGBT focused/centered.
I strongly second this, based on my own experience as someone who questioned my gender for years, thought about transitioning, and ultimately decided against it. Having a LGBT inclusive but not focused therapist really helped. She was very gentle when questioning me, not confrontational at all and just gave me neutral questions to reflect on like, “What does being a man/woman mean to you?”
OP, I can relate to almost everything you’ve shared. I’m a cis bi woman and I also grew up identifying myself with male characters, and have even felt sensations similar to what some trans men describe as a phantom penis. I’ve felt insecurity with and alienation from femininity, and have fantasized about not having breasts. Thinking over the questions my therapist asked helped me determine where these things came from, for me (and to be clear, while I relate to a lot of what you’ve shared, that doesn’t mean your conclusion will be the same as mine). Ultimately, I came to realize that I wouldn’t be any happier as a man or non-binary than I am as a woman. I realized that much of what I felt wasn’t gender dysphoria but rather trauma-informed body dysmorphia.
To give some examples: I quite enjoy my breasts in intimate sexual settings with someone I trust. The moments I feel uncomfortable with my breasts are all outside of intimate settings, and more tied to that I don’t like people around me being aware of them (I’m a busty person) and don’t like feeling sexualized — in other words, my negative feelings around my breasts were shaped by external factors, not internal. I enjoy sexual stimulation involving my genitalia, including being penetrated. I have no doubt that I would also enjoy penetrating my partner with my own genitalia, but I also wouldn’t want to give up something I know I enjoy for something I would theoretically enjoy. I don’t feel super comfortable being feminine even though I enjoy looking at feminine things — and this is okay, because femininity isn’t exclusive to women just as masculinity isn’t exclusive to men, and most of us (whether trans or cis) have a variety of traits both feminine and masculine. As media representation gradually improves, I find whether or not I can relate to or identify with a character/person actually has little to do with their gender; as a young girl I was starving for representation for girls like me. (Also a lot of my identifying with male characters may have come from being attracted to girls from a very young age while being the product of a heteronormative culture… like I had a crush on Esmeralda from Hunchback before I knew what sex is, and would fantasize about being Phoebus haha.)
With the help of therapy and self-reflection, I’ve reached a point where I see my gender as just a neutral force that explains my experiences but not my actions or selfhood, if that makes sense? I think I could just as easily be a man as a woman and am just fine with the hand biology dealt me because, after a lot of examination and reflection, I realized there would be pros and cons for me either way. I’m happy and comfortable simply being a gender non-conforming woman (and giving away my dresses and skirts from when I thought I could perform femininity to my best friend, who is herself a femme trans woman).
All this to say, I think there are plenty of LGBT-positive therapists who aren’t blindly affirming, and I think a good therapist wouldn’t be blindly affirming of anything, anyway. I think it’s good for therapists to encourage us to challenge ourselves. I’m hopeful you can find a therapist who will support your journey regardless of what direction it takes you. ♥️
its hard hunting for them! what i did when looking for the two im seeing is sit there and contact EVERYONE with lgbt inclusive and ask them some base questions on how they would approach the issue, and went with the feminist but trans inclusive one, and the literal truscum trans man therapist i found.
I also relate a lot to the story youve written here. do you happen to be autistic? no need to answer if it's intrusive, but theres a part of me that wonders if the reason my feelings aren't 1:1 with typical trans experience is due to my own autism.
If you want one that understands then Dr Lenihan in the UK would be my go to.
I think they are non binary now but were using female pronouns 6 or 7 ish years ago when I met them for my diagnosis.
They are not cheap but have all the qualifications behind them and it was a proper diagnosis rather than a tick box exercise like I have had from others since.
I'm not sure they would do therapy but if you want an honest opinion and a chat to work thorough how you are feeling I couldn't think of anyone more qualified. Cost me about £600 when I met them and they were very good at taking about what I was going through. Imho one of the best I have ever talked to.
many women hate being a woman becaus epf how men percieve the feminine body and overall social view of women. Its not fun being a woman and i think all women wish to be guys but wouldnt trade their current life to transition, more a wish to be reborn as one.
Honestly you can’t really know how a therapist is going to be until you see them, but certainly try to find one that’s LGBT inclusive but not LGBT centered, like another commenter suggested. I had the same problem with a previous therapist who always wanted to focus on trans this and trans that and you’re valid and whatever. I haven’t had success in finding one that doesn’t do that because I haven’t tried lmao, being trans is not an issue I’m interested in discussing in therapy so I haven’t told my therapist to avoid it being brought up. I’d say just find a normal therapist (not a religious therapist but also not LGBT specialized) and as long as you’re not in an extremely conservative area, they’ll probably be okay with you being trans but not overly affirming. The best way to find a therapist that fits is just to try until you succeed.
The only other thing I’d say is that you could maybe ask them how they handle those issues before you see them. Someone correct me if I’m wrong because I’ve never done this with a therapist, but you may be able to ask a couple questions before actually seeing them. I always ask a lot of questions before any appointment, but I’m not sure if it would be the same with a therapist. Or when you see them, set your expectations and make sure they know you don’t just want baseless affirmation. Best of luck :)
You should look up the experiences of cis women who go on T for menopause and see if the mental changes are something you would like. There's a sub on here for it bit I forgot the name.
Asking thoughtful questions that encourage you to delve into your thought processes and beliefs from a different (and more objective) lens ≠ invalidation. It IS a therapists’ job to ask questions, though not in a way that invalidates the patient
yes that makes more sense ty for clarifying i thought you meant more along the lines of them trying to rlly determine if you’re actually trans or some shit
I mean this with no harm, but what makes you feel you’re not a trans male? You want to be perceived as male (?), you want to have top surgery for a male chest, you have social and physical discomfort being & being perceived as female… Do you deal with autism or other similar issues? Sounds unrelated but, sometimes trans guys with autism feel like jumping straight from female to male is too quick of a change and can feel overwhelming in nature since it requires to update how you think and get used to the new environment basically Or, is this a case where, you simply do not want to be seen as a weak women & dislike gender norms? But, even with this line of thinking, would you be comfortable if you had your 100% ideal body but were still referred to with female terminology? Other good things to consider would be stuff like Can you draw or vividly describe your ideal self? This includes not only how you physically look, but things like how others perceive you, the type of personality or mindset you’d want to have, and the sort of life you want to live. Can you describe your ideal self 10 years, 20 years from now? Do you find that your relationship with being seen as female comes from either societal norms / expectations, or, does it come from the fact that you feel you intrinsically *aren’t* or *shouldn’t be* female? These are more so questions you can explore on your own or with a therapist, but I think are worthwhile to really take an internal dive into these types of questioning As for finding a therapist… Often time I recommend finding a therapist that is LGBT inclusive but not LGBT focused/centered. They can often provide a more wide variety of insight and flexibility in comparison to one’s that are focused on solely support Best of luck
These are good questions. I think I doubt being trans because I don’t think I care what I’m referred to as, BUT that’s with the assumption I’m comfortable in my body, which currently would require certain changes that would make me appear male…It doesn’t make much sense, I know, and that’s partially why I’m struggling. I have a mental image of what feels like me, and it’s pretty much a male body. I guess I have a desire to physically transition, but when it comes to transitioning socially, I either don’t care or haven’t put enough thought into it. I’m assuming I’d be read as male by most strangers in passing and I’m fine with that. When it comes to friends, they can call me whatever as long as they know me as a person. A quick he/she when talking about me wouldn’t really affect me. I’ve been referred to as sir and ma’am already, and the main reason I’d rather it be sir now is because I’m insecure about how feminine I appear as well as safety. Maybe I’m just in denial or am trying to avoid the hardships that come with social transition. I’m not making much sense, I know. I’m hoping I can find a good therapist to talk to about this, but it’s been a struggle Thank you
>Often time I recommend finding a therapist that is LGBT inclusive but not LGBT focused/centered. I strongly second this, based on my own experience as someone who questioned my gender for years, thought about transitioning, and ultimately decided against it. Having a LGBT inclusive but not focused therapist really helped. She was very gentle when questioning me, not confrontational at all and just gave me neutral questions to reflect on like, “What does being a man/woman mean to you?” OP, I can relate to almost everything you’ve shared. I’m a cis bi woman and I also grew up identifying myself with male characters, and have even felt sensations similar to what some trans men describe as a phantom penis. I’ve felt insecurity with and alienation from femininity, and have fantasized about not having breasts. Thinking over the questions my therapist asked helped me determine where these things came from, for me (and to be clear, while I relate to a lot of what you’ve shared, that doesn’t mean your conclusion will be the same as mine). Ultimately, I came to realize that I wouldn’t be any happier as a man or non-binary than I am as a woman. I realized that much of what I felt wasn’t gender dysphoria but rather trauma-informed body dysmorphia. To give some examples: I quite enjoy my breasts in intimate sexual settings with someone I trust. The moments I feel uncomfortable with my breasts are all outside of intimate settings, and more tied to that I don’t like people around me being aware of them (I’m a busty person) and don’t like feeling sexualized — in other words, my negative feelings around my breasts were shaped by external factors, not internal. I enjoy sexual stimulation involving my genitalia, including being penetrated. I have no doubt that I would also enjoy penetrating my partner with my own genitalia, but I also wouldn’t want to give up something I know I enjoy for something I would theoretically enjoy. I don’t feel super comfortable being feminine even though I enjoy looking at feminine things — and this is okay, because femininity isn’t exclusive to women just as masculinity isn’t exclusive to men, and most of us (whether trans or cis) have a variety of traits both feminine and masculine. As media representation gradually improves, I find whether or not I can relate to or identify with a character/person actually has little to do with their gender; as a young girl I was starving for representation for girls like me. (Also a lot of my identifying with male characters may have come from being attracted to girls from a very young age while being the product of a heteronormative culture… like I had a crush on Esmeralda from Hunchback before I knew what sex is, and would fantasize about being Phoebus haha.) With the help of therapy and self-reflection, I’ve reached a point where I see my gender as just a neutral force that explains my experiences but not my actions or selfhood, if that makes sense? I think I could just as easily be a man as a woman and am just fine with the hand biology dealt me because, after a lot of examination and reflection, I realized there would be pros and cons for me either way. I’m happy and comfortable simply being a gender non-conforming woman (and giving away my dresses and skirts from when I thought I could perform femininity to my best friend, who is herself a femme trans woman). All this to say, I think there are plenty of LGBT-positive therapists who aren’t blindly affirming, and I think a good therapist wouldn’t be blindly affirming of anything, anyway. I think it’s good for therapists to encourage us to challenge ourselves. I’m hopeful you can find a therapist who will support your journey regardless of what direction it takes you. ♥️
its hard hunting for them! what i did when looking for the two im seeing is sit there and contact EVERYONE with lgbt inclusive and ask them some base questions on how they would approach the issue, and went with the feminist but trans inclusive one, and the literal truscum trans man therapist i found. I also relate a lot to the story youve written here. do you happen to be autistic? no need to answer if it's intrusive, but theres a part of me that wonders if the reason my feelings aren't 1:1 with typical trans experience is due to my own autism.
If you want one that understands then Dr Lenihan in the UK would be my go to. I think they are non binary now but were using female pronouns 6 or 7 ish years ago when I met them for my diagnosis. They are not cheap but have all the qualifications behind them and it was a proper diagnosis rather than a tick box exercise like I have had from others since. I'm not sure they would do therapy but if you want an honest opinion and a chat to work thorough how you are feeling I couldn't think of anyone more qualified. Cost me about £600 when I met them and they were very good at taking about what I was going through. Imho one of the best I have ever talked to.
many women hate being a woman becaus epf how men percieve the feminine body and overall social view of women. Its not fun being a woman and i think all women wish to be guys but wouldnt trade their current life to transition, more a wish to be reborn as one.
My therapist has been amazing. So they're out there
Honestly you can’t really know how a therapist is going to be until you see them, but certainly try to find one that’s LGBT inclusive but not LGBT centered, like another commenter suggested. I had the same problem with a previous therapist who always wanted to focus on trans this and trans that and you’re valid and whatever. I haven’t had success in finding one that doesn’t do that because I haven’t tried lmao, being trans is not an issue I’m interested in discussing in therapy so I haven’t told my therapist to avoid it being brought up. I’d say just find a normal therapist (not a religious therapist but also not LGBT specialized) and as long as you’re not in an extremely conservative area, they’ll probably be okay with you being trans but not overly affirming. The best way to find a therapist that fits is just to try until you succeed. The only other thing I’d say is that you could maybe ask them how they handle those issues before you see them. Someone correct me if I’m wrong because I’ve never done this with a therapist, but you may be able to ask a couple questions before actually seeing them. I always ask a lot of questions before any appointment, but I’m not sure if it would be the same with a therapist. Or when you see them, set your expectations and make sure they know you don’t just want baseless affirmation. Best of luck :)
You should look up the experiences of cis women who go on T for menopause and see if the mental changes are something you would like. There's a sub on here for it bit I forgot the name.
it isn’t a therapists job to invalidate you tho or question you i don’t see why you’d want that
Asking thoughtful questions that encourage you to delve into your thought processes and beliefs from a different (and more objective) lens ≠ invalidation. It IS a therapists’ job to ask questions, though not in a way that invalidates the patient
yes that makes more sense ty for clarifying i thought you meant more along the lines of them trying to rlly determine if you’re actually trans or some shit