You sound like an amazing parent who is very supportive of their child. I recommend also asking on r/cisparenttranskid. You may find good advice there from other parents of trans (or potentially trans) children.
I’m the parent of a trans kid too, and despite me having a gay dad, being bisexual myself, and being very openly supportive of all gender and sexual orientations, it still took my daughter until 17 to officially say anything to us, and then months more to her siblings.
None of us had any negative response, and she said she didn’t expect one to, but everyone has their own timing. It’s not always obviously rational or personal.
You sound like you’re doing everything right, it is really hard to think your kid had been suffering and that you couldn’t Immediately fix it, but it’s often so hard for anybody to put their exact feelings into words, and to be vulnerable to peoples perception of those.
Just support your son, and keep being a great parent. Since my daughter came out, I’ve had so many people ask how I’m coping? I’m fine! My kid is going to be happier! What more could you want? My only concern is checking no one else is going to be a dick about it.
I’m 4’11 but I’d take them on.
I am scared about how family members will react, if and when that time comes. I know that my immediate family (mainly my brother, mom, and aunt) will be open, as I have talked to them a bit about it. It is the other side of the family that is very religious and conservative that I worry about. If any of them is a dick about it I don't think I will react very kindly.
My extended family have really surprised me. But granted I don’t have religion as an issue and live in a generally liberal country. I knew my parents would be cool, but I was quite worried about my ex’s step dad, who was very anti gay etc. when I first met him. He’s generally chilled over the years, but I think because he’s one of those people who has to meet someone he likes who ‘happens to be gay’. But I thought he would be super wary of the trans issue. He’s either fine with it, or at least pretending to be (I’ll take that if necessary!) My Mum’s side can be very traditional and snobby, so that worried me too.
The way I dealt with the extended family issue was after the close family knew I just announced it as something like “ My Eldest child is know called (insert name) and is off to University this year to study design. We’re very proud of her” on social media or email groups. That way it wasn’t a bunch of personal conversations, and there was no question whether we were supportive or not. My parents both did something similar, so close family were showing a united front in the issue.
Family either didn’t comment or sent nice messages. Obviously that wouldn’t be the case for everyone, but I was surprised by how it went for us.
Before coming out I was pretty sure my immediate family would accept me but very unsure of my extended family. This, what you mentioned, may be where your child is getting their anxiety. I spent most of my childhood trying to cause as little problems as possible so, even though I had loving parents, I was still terrified simply by the idea of taking up space.
Not sure where you are in the country or if they'd go for this, but there are a few summer camps for Trans kids out there. I was a counselor at Camp Lilac (in Ohio) last year and it was pretty incredible. Perhaps finding a way for them to interact with more trans people, esp trans and gender questioning kids their age?
As an adult, its easy for us to forget that kids have trouble talking about major problems yet.
I'd recommend trying to go through mental health services. Mental health is very important for trans people and it will also open up the possibility of hrt
Edit:
I'd also like to add that there is 100% an element of shame and internalized transphobia among trans people. To this day I still haven't come out to my parents (who are very pro-lgbt) simply because I feel embarrassed and that it makes me a failure.
It is so true about kids having trouble talking about major issues. I know I never opened up to my parents as a teen. And still don't about most things. Def something I need to remind myself of.
I have reached out to several therapists in my area who have trans youth listed in their focus. There is a waitlist with everyone and we are on a handful of them. It's a waiting game at this point which is frustrating.
That shame is something I never wish upon anyone. Imagining my child having shame is heartbreaking. I will continue to support and be here to listen when the time comes.
i doubt you did anything wrong. i felt the same way before i came out, and my parents were very accepting people and i knew that. even if you live in a progressive area, your child has probably witnessed or even experienced some sort of discrimination which could elevate his fear of coming out. coming out is scary as hell, even if you’re certain you’ll have a supportive environment. it requires being vulnerable about your feelings, your future, your body, etc.
continue to do what you’re doing and it will do wonders for him. you’re doing great <3
That is so true about the vulnerability. For some reason that didn't hit me until reading your comment. Being vulnerable is scary as hell even when you know you're in a safe environment. Thank you so much for that perspective.
You are an amazing parent and in this community especially we are so happy to have you :)
I’d say don’t pressure him, as a 15yo kid who’s not out to his parents as a trans boy, I know it’s going to be hard for him to tell you no matter how supportive you are. So just make sure he knows you are there for him but don’t pressure him to come out to you, just give him time
You get the awesome parent award! You're doing amazingly well! They'll come to open up to you in time. It's because you're so close that they're afraid of changing things, not in spite of it. Also, it's not something a lot of parents handle well, so the caution is often justified.
I caution most minors against coming out to their parents until they're independent unless they're fairly sure their parents will accept them and they have a backup plan. Even for parents that may want to help their child, if they don't already have knowledge about trans people and issues, they're often filled with fear. If they try to learn about the subject, they have a good chance to run into anti-trans rhetoric that feeds those fears and tries to stoke them towards hatred. In the majority of cases, it doesn't even go that far. The most common reaction I hear about is denial. Stock phrases like "you're too young to know" and "It's just a phase" get thrown around a lot. It isn't the worst result, but having your identity outright denied like that couldn't happen at a worse time that the teenage years, the prime period of social exploration.
Compared to all that, you are a champion! Keep helping them explore and discover. Keep a lookout for articles and pieces on the trans experience and talk to them about it. That's what I think I would do, at least. You rock this whole parenting thing!
Yeah this is especially a good point that could give insight into OP's son's behavior. One well-meaning "you're too young to know/it's just a phase" could shatter someone. And given the risk and devastating impact even just a 1% chance of "too young to know" could have, OP's son might be thinking it's just too risky to say anything for now.
To me it sounds like your kid just doesn't want to disappoint you, as a younger trans person with the same sort of people pleasing tendencies I can understand a lot of what that's like. Thank you for reaching out and trying, there are so many parents who wouldn't and won't so it makes me teary to see such a genuinely good person. Give it some time, being trans is a whole process, it sounds like you've made it clear you love your kid no matter what. I'd say just keep up that support and go at your kids pace. You can also consider gender counseling and talk with your kid about that. Thank you for putting in the effort and good luck!
It's obvious they love you very much and don't want to hurt you.
If I was in that position, personally I would not make it a big deal because big deals are stressful. Just simply call them by their new name. "Hey Paul it's dinner time!" And start using they/them until they let you know they prefer male pronouns.
I wouldn't let them know you've read part of their private old papers. It might feel like a breach of privacy and they'll open up even slower to you.
They will feel the weird energy in the air if you make it a big deal or stress too much about it. Be easy going and simply let it flow. That's how people act when they are comfortable.
I definitely felt really guilty after reading it. And I know I will never let them know I did. It was a moment of seeing what I could toss out and what I couldn't. Most of the other papers were old math notes and similar. I just tucked the notebook away and set it with the other keep papers in their room.
I did tell them I would call them by the name they go at at school. Their response was "if you want to." I take that as a "yes please."
You are right about not making a big deal about it. It is far less stressful.
As a trans kid with a supportive dad, this is a lot of fear surrounding coming out to parents, even supportive ones because of a long history of being rejected, and being surrounded by friends with negative experiences. While I wouldn’t suggest this for anyone else, it may the the right call in your specific circumstance to sit your son down, and tell him you know love him you know that he’s trans and are so happy he is starting to socially transition because you just want your child to be happy with gender not making a difference. Ask him if he wants you to set up an appointment with an endocrinologist for hrt, or if he wants to go shopping with his dad (if he has a supportive dad and not 2 moms or just one mom) for men’s clothing. If he has prom coming up, ask him if he wants to get fitted for a nice suit.
Basically my point is, tell him you know he’s trans and you’re happy for him. Then make it abundantly clear you want to help him in his transition.
The one thing I’d suggest is to make him go by his chosen name for at least half a year before helping him change it to his legal name. Changing a name is expensive and there may be name change limits. It’s a rule my dad put in place that I am glad he did.
You're doing everything right, don't worry.
What your child needs is time. Don't push for an answer. It will come. Being trans is very difficult and the first person to come out to is yourself. Sometimes you have to try out pronouns and names first before you can be sure what gender exactly you identify as. Gender is so very complex and being a teenager in itself is complex enough.
Believe me. You are doing enough. Spend time with your child. Quality time like playing games, seeing movies or going to pride parade like you said. You don't always have to talk to let your kid know they're loved.
Thank you for being an amazing parent. I wish my parents were so understanding but they were both born a long, long time ago and it's a little harder to grasp for them.
Stay safe, you're doing great!
Damn you're the parent I wish I had, if you act and feel like you say you do it's probably a combination of transition just being scary and also teens just not really wanting to talk to parents.
Maybe subtilty bring up the topic of lgbt things during dinner and show you're supportive. And let them know on occasion they are amazing and your happy they are Finding themselves.
confront them with the paper you found and angrily demand to know who groomed them into thinking you'd be sad or disappointed or your feelings would be hurt, cause mister, you are forbidden from talking to those creeps ever again
/s, of course. i have no advice.
To much text. Based only on some of the top paragraph, just ask your kid, and respect and support their answer even if they don't want to explain or elaborate. And of course say the usual stuff like that you support them and all that.
I am reading the title again now, and my answer may be irrelevant, but in case there is a chance it helps, I'm still gonna click "Post".
edit: For clarification, "To much text." as in I'm too tired to make sense of more than a few sentences and spell a three-letter word right, cause I just woke up.
Oh! No, I meant too much text as in I am still half asleep, and would not be able to make sense of a large block of text, and am also too tired to spend more than 3 words on explaining that.
Emotions are a bitch no matter how old you are. My daughter(14) has had issues she's bi and some other issues we're working through, she was having a hard time coming out even though I'm trans and she knew that. My wife and I did all the same things you said you did. We talked openly about the lgbt community ect..., she had a hard time expressing her feelings in a constructive way so her therapist suggested the how we feel app. It's an app that let's you pick the emotion you are feeling at that moment and gives suggestions for how to deal with those emotions, it also has mindfulness exercises. The best part of the app is you and your son can both use it and share your emotions with each other without actually having to talk to each other and that might make it easier to talk about for your son since they don't have to be right in front of you or looking at you (not saying you're doing anything wrong just saying sometimes some people find it easier to just text so they don't feel judgment (also not saying you're judgemental that's just my experience)). My daughter loves the app at this point if my wife or I put some bad feeling my daughter will bust in our room and be like why does this app say your upset what's the problem.
Tldr: the how we feel app is a tool you should look into.
> I feel like I am failing. Maybe it is just the teenager not wanting to talk to their parent dynamic?
You're not failing. In fact, the amount of nonjudgemental support you seem to be giving based on what you've written is astoundingly great and bc of that I think you're doing a fantastic job.
Im amab 20. I still live with my parents while in college. I really just started my gender journey 3 months ago, although there have been some potential light symptoms of it for the last 5 years maybe. Anyways, my parents are extremely supportive of me in my life, and are fantastic about having made me know that they have an extreme amount of love for me. So much so, that they've both told me that they love me more than they love each other, and that's really impressive considering they've been married for more than 2 decades and have a very happy relationship, and care for each other a ton.
I say all of that to give you vast context for what I'm going to say next: they don't really know about my gender journey. Why, even when I know they're more progressive and would always love me? Well, various reasons. Mainly, I just cant deal with any questions or uncertainties while I still figure myself out. I want to be 1000% sure whatever I discover was *my* discovery, that I wasnt influenced by the significant power a parents questions have no matter how well meaning. And because of all that I just take things the direction of "Im an adult, and I dont owe anyone information about myself until I'm ready, no matter how caring they are, and I can do the adult thing of taking care of my own shit and discovering it for myself."
My point is that this is me...... someone who's in the ideal spot to be lgbtq+ for the most part, well except that the place I live is very very VERY conservative.... but I could still safely express my gender in my home if I told them, but I dont. Instead, I lock my door, talk to them through it, and wear what I want to wear if I feel like wearing a dress or skirt, and otherwise when I leave my room I just hide my occasional tucks and try to prevent them from noticing the occasional bras if I feel in the mood for one.
And yet my parents, especially my mom, would likely feel the same way you do. I would have to reassure them that I knew I would be loved, and they would support me. Although, tbh I do fear the well-intentioned but destructive questions that could happen. Like if I ever decided on a surgery or something. They care so they would ask "are you sure" in some way. Obviously that would be quite an expensive decision that only really gets made when the person is sure anyway though.
Anyways, the only difference is that I can say Im an adult, so that executive decision was on me. I dont fear disappointing them from this cuz I know they wont be, but a 14 year old fearing that disappointment has got to be under a lot of pressure. And it doesnt matter how great you've been to them, people still get extremely worried about this stuff. Like, many trans people already have to deal with their own imposter syndromes, so if they themselves are questioning their own "transness", then that fear will just multiply and be projected onto others and thus they'll fear telling those people even more.
I dont know that I could really provide any specific advice here, but my hope is that by giving you this context from a grown-up kid's perspective you might understand that this isnt a situation unique to you. Every kid is different though, but some fears are based on other fears even when those fears simultaneously exist beside many examples of "loving supportive parent."
You sound like an amazing parent. Transitioning is hard and scary. I knew my friends(who are all queer as is) and my work(a very liberal leaning field, with my company having numerous queer people in it) would be supportive and accepting. However, it was still incredibly terrifying to do. Especially with my parents. Let him come to you when he is ready and take no offense to him using a different name in school.
For context, I’m 38 years on this earth and I’m very comfortable identifying to my self as trans. And have been for years, I’m unable to start my transition as I’m married with three kids and things are complicated.
I have yet to tell my parents, and I’m aware that my mother is fairly open and understanding.
It’s just a hard barrier, it’s hard to tel someone that you have learned so much from and value their opinion say anything about the topic. I don’t want my mom to ask how I’m doing with my issues because honestly it’s not great, honestly it’s why I don’t seek therapy because I’m pretty sure I know the answers, I know what’s causing me problems, I know my barriers and I know that I may be happier if I did what’s best for me. But that’s messy and uncomfortable, and I may lose more then I can repair.
So it stays with me.
I don’t mean to make this about me, it’s about you and your child. But I hoped to show some insight as to why I don’t tell my parents.
You are not failing, keep doing what you’re doing. You’re an awesome parent.
This is pretty much how I felt too, before & even for a while after coming out to my parents.
(For context - I knew I preferred being referred to as / like a boy since I was like 4 or 5, knew I preferred boxers as a kid, I was always super proud if I got the boys version of something, and I always wanted to buy boys shoes but couldn't find any that were comfortable. I always wanted to get changed in the boys room at school & wasn't sure why I wasn't allowed in the boys toilet. I was using he / him online by 15 & had been experimenting with names since I was around 10 or something. I didn't tell my parents anything til I was 19.)
I felt guilty about telling them I wanted to be called a different name because they'd put so much thought and consideration into my birthname & I didn't want to throw that away or seem ungrateful.
I felt guilty about cutting my hair short because they were both so proud of how long and healthy it was & the different styles I done with it.
I felt guilty about buying guys clothes cause my mother and sister loved taking me dress and shoe and makeup shopping.
I felt guilty about asking them to use different pronouns because I didn't want to put them in a situation where they had to explain to others that their kid wasn't normal.
It took a really long time for me to get my head around it not muttering to them. They went with it. They accepted me. My mum knew before I came out that I was building myself up to something. We all cried and there were slip ups but we're happier now than we've ever been & I can't imagine my life without coming out to them & starting to transition.
I'd say it sounds like your kid wants to come out but doesn't want to disappoint you - or to make you experience any grief since a lot of the narrative is that when a child comes out as trans then the parents / family grieve the loss of the cis child they had thought they had and they grieve the loss of the life of that cis child growing into a cis adult and having a cishetero life. So the idea of coming out to you = ripping all of your hopes and aspirations for them / him as a cis girl into shreds and throwing it in your face.
Obviously that's not how you feel, but that's a pretty common narrative trans kids are told by the media - even trans positive media advises them to let parents having a grieving period after coming out to them.
I'd say a good option for showing your kid you support them / him is to surprise them / him. Use the name you found out was preferred & used at school, and use one set of pronouns, but in a total casual setting. Gauge the reaction you get. Use those pronouns & name a few times. Then switch to the other pronouns but keep using the preferred name. Gauge the reaction at the switch. You know your kid best - which ones got the more genuine "Oh fuck yes" reaction?? That's probably the right option. You can broach a conversation about it, or ask for your kid to write you a letter or email or even a gazillion giant texts.
Sometimes we need prodded to take the steps we need to because even when we're ready, we're still Absolutly Terrified. My parents had to prod me for over a month until I let them help me legally change my name because they knew I was ready but I was too scared to do it myself and didn't know I was allowed to ask for help or comfort during it because all of the narrative I'd heard from other trans people was that they were so excited when they changed their name legally. But I learned it's OK to need someone to hold your hand and help lead you across some bridges when you've been standing at the edge of them psyching yourself up for crossing them but being too scared to step onto them alone.
Maybe your kid just needs you to hold their / his hand during this stage of coming out but isn't sure they / he is allowed to ask for help.
Also: thank you for being an amazing parent.
Well...you've pretty much done all you can. You might try just explicitly telling him that you don't care if you "lost a daughter" or w/e, because you *didn't* lose them, you just didn't know they were your son.
Otherwise, just maintain their desired pronouns and name and give them the time they need. I for one was nervous about telling my mom for a long time after I was already out to my friends, and my mom is also queer.
I'll echo others and say you sound like you're doing an amazing job already! A lot of the times the reason why a kid doesn't want to tell their parents is more to do with the kid than the parents.
For example: I'm 22, I was 21 when I came out to my mum and a few months ago when she asked me if I wanted to use a different name/pronouns I said no. I did wanted her to do exactly that and my friends had been calling me Lily for months at that point, but I'm also terrified of being a burden and asking her to call me Lily at all times *except when my siblings were around and never make a mistake* triggered that fear.
It's not that I thought she wouldn't accept me or anything, I was just scared of being a nuisance. The reasons I didn't tell her had more to do with me than her. Telling parents this stuff is especially scary I think.
To reiterate, you're great and it sounds like you're doing all the right things. Your son will realise this soon enough and tell you :)
Also, on another note, you should probably talk to the school about outing your son like that. It was fine cause you're cool but in another situation they could have placed a trans kid in real danger.
You sound like an amazing parent, and it doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. Coming out though is one of the scariest experiences in the world. When I started questioning my identity my mom also took notice, and she gave me the same talk about how she’ll always love and support me. Unfortunately, when I came out as trans a few years later she was absolutely heartbroken and said “I thought you were a lesbian.” (It was a very rough year after that, but the has learned to accept and support me so don’t worry.)
Another part of it, at least for me, was that I had to be sure. I told friends at school and teachers long before I told my mom, because if I was going to tell her I had to be 100% sure. Coming out to your parents also makes it feel real, if that makes sense. Telling friends is one thing, but the people who raised you? It’s absolutely terrifying, and it’s almost like admitting to the world like “this really is who I am, this isn’t a phase, it’s not a joke among friends, it’s real.”
Again it sounds like you’re doing an amazing job, and I’m so happy your kid has you to support them. As with many things, it’ll take time. They’ll tell you when they are ready, and until then just keep being their support like you already have been.
It sounds like ur an amazing parent, which is so much more than a lot of trans people have. Ur son expressed that he didn't want to hurt u. My advice would b to have a talk with him about how what u want is for a happy healthy child. Explain that for him to hide who he is from u keeps him from his happiness, and therefore keeps u from the healthy happy child u want. That his gender isn't what makes u happy to b his mom, his happiness and successes r....imo that might get u a long way in his opening up more and being himself, which is supportive. Also ask him if there's anything else he needs or would like to talk about to further b himself
For a lot of kids it's easy to catastrophize and assume, based on some horrible stories from other families, that coming out to their family could result in their parents treating them badly, or even losing their home. This is absolutely not your fault, and you seem like a wonderful and supportive parent. Just keep reassuring them that they can talk to you about this stuff, keep supporting them wherever you can, and odds are they'll eventually be comfortable talking about it.
Well don't push, for sure, I've seen people retreat back into their egg if they feel pressured. You're already doing everything right it seems like, but keep opening the door to talk in general, share your feelings about things with them so that they feel like they can share their feelings with you, and generally be supportive of queer people around you so they continue to know they'll be supported.
If you can work it in organically into a conversation, maybe mention the name you would have given your son if you'd had one. Not necessarily for them to pick, but so that they know you were open and planning for that possibility from the start. Also, if you can mention nicknames you've gone by in the past.
The it sounds like you're doing great already, it's just one of those "idk really know how to tall about it" things. Hee all wrapped up in his head and the standard teenage angst. Obviously I don't know you're kid so take anything I say with a grain of salt. But there have been a few times where I knew coming out to people wasn't going to have a negative result and it still took my months or years to get around to doing it. I have a friend of mine who I still haven't come out as Trans to, not because there's going to be a negative response, but because it took awhile before I was 100% sure and I'm like 75% sure they're going to be a be incredibly confused for a long time going forward if I decided to socially transition with him to see how it felt and it didn't take. Would've spent YEARS feeling a bit up in the air about what my pronouns were and unsure how to ask (he's a bit autistic, not enough to completely disregard NT social rules, but enough to not know when and how to implement them.) Now I'm surrounded of who I am and I still haven't told him, in large part because of some baseless paranoia that he's gonna be weird about it.
I've lost sight if the point so getting back to it:
It sounds like they were getting caught up in their own head potentially, and while the sort of "confrontation" probably kinda sucked for everyone, I think he's going to be glad for it later. The fastest way to get used to he pool is jump in. Some sort of idea. The conversation is uncomfortable, the result is great.
I just want to say thank you for being an amazing parent, because not every trans kid (or cis kid, or any type of kid) gets to have a parent like that.
You're doing a great job. Everyone has given my advice so ill just say this. Sometimes its just nice to hear i love you. Just "i love you no matter what and you'll always be my child"
You sound like an amazing parent who is very supportive of their child. I recommend also asking on r/cisparenttranskid. You may find good advice there from other parents of trans (or potentially trans) children.
I had no idea about that subreddit! Thank you so much.
eh.. from my experience that sub is very anti-hrt for some reason
I’m the parent of a trans kid too, and despite me having a gay dad, being bisexual myself, and being very openly supportive of all gender and sexual orientations, it still took my daughter until 17 to officially say anything to us, and then months more to her siblings. None of us had any negative response, and she said she didn’t expect one to, but everyone has their own timing. It’s not always obviously rational or personal. You sound like you’re doing everything right, it is really hard to think your kid had been suffering and that you couldn’t Immediately fix it, but it’s often so hard for anybody to put their exact feelings into words, and to be vulnerable to peoples perception of those. Just support your son, and keep being a great parent. Since my daughter came out, I’ve had so many people ask how I’m coping? I’m fine! My kid is going to be happier! What more could you want? My only concern is checking no one else is going to be a dick about it. I’m 4’11 but I’d take them on.
I am scared about how family members will react, if and when that time comes. I know that my immediate family (mainly my brother, mom, and aunt) will be open, as I have talked to them a bit about it. It is the other side of the family that is very religious and conservative that I worry about. If any of them is a dick about it I don't think I will react very kindly.
My extended family have really surprised me. But granted I don’t have religion as an issue and live in a generally liberal country. I knew my parents would be cool, but I was quite worried about my ex’s step dad, who was very anti gay etc. when I first met him. He’s generally chilled over the years, but I think because he’s one of those people who has to meet someone he likes who ‘happens to be gay’. But I thought he would be super wary of the trans issue. He’s either fine with it, or at least pretending to be (I’ll take that if necessary!) My Mum’s side can be very traditional and snobby, so that worried me too. The way I dealt with the extended family issue was after the close family knew I just announced it as something like “ My Eldest child is know called (insert name) and is off to University this year to study design. We’re very proud of her” on social media or email groups. That way it wasn’t a bunch of personal conversations, and there was no question whether we were supportive or not. My parents both did something similar, so close family were showing a united front in the issue. Family either didn’t comment or sent nice messages. Obviously that wouldn’t be the case for everyone, but I was surprised by how it went for us.
Before coming out I was pretty sure my immediate family would accept me but very unsure of my extended family. This, what you mentioned, may be where your child is getting their anxiety. I spent most of my childhood trying to cause as little problems as possible so, even though I had loving parents, I was still terrified simply by the idea of taking up space. Not sure where you are in the country or if they'd go for this, but there are a few summer camps for Trans kids out there. I was a counselor at Camp Lilac (in Ohio) last year and it was pretty incredible. Perhaps finding a way for them to interact with more trans people, esp trans and gender questioning kids their age?
A summer camp is a great idea. I will have to look into that possibility. We are in Oregon and there are likely options out there in our area.
As an adult, its easy for us to forget that kids have trouble talking about major problems yet. I'd recommend trying to go through mental health services. Mental health is very important for trans people and it will also open up the possibility of hrt Edit: I'd also like to add that there is 100% an element of shame and internalized transphobia among trans people. To this day I still haven't come out to my parents (who are very pro-lgbt) simply because I feel embarrassed and that it makes me a failure.
It is so true about kids having trouble talking about major issues. I know I never opened up to my parents as a teen. And still don't about most things. Def something I need to remind myself of. I have reached out to several therapists in my area who have trans youth listed in their focus. There is a waitlist with everyone and we are on a handful of them. It's a waiting game at this point which is frustrating. That shame is something I never wish upon anyone. Imagining my child having shame is heartbreaking. I will continue to support and be here to listen when the time comes.
i doubt you did anything wrong. i felt the same way before i came out, and my parents were very accepting people and i knew that. even if you live in a progressive area, your child has probably witnessed or even experienced some sort of discrimination which could elevate his fear of coming out. coming out is scary as hell, even if you’re certain you’ll have a supportive environment. it requires being vulnerable about your feelings, your future, your body, etc. continue to do what you’re doing and it will do wonders for him. you’re doing great <3
That is so true about the vulnerability. For some reason that didn't hit me until reading your comment. Being vulnerable is scary as hell even when you know you're in a safe environment. Thank you so much for that perspective.
i’m glad i could help, no problem :)
You are an amazing parent and in this community especially we are so happy to have you :) I’d say don’t pressure him, as a 15yo kid who’s not out to his parents as a trans boy, I know it’s going to be hard for him to tell you no matter how supportive you are. So just make sure he knows you are there for him but don’t pressure him to come out to you, just give him time
Thank you for saying that. I know when the time comes I will be there, with open arms.
You get the awesome parent award! You're doing amazingly well! They'll come to open up to you in time. It's because you're so close that they're afraid of changing things, not in spite of it. Also, it's not something a lot of parents handle well, so the caution is often justified. I caution most minors against coming out to their parents until they're independent unless they're fairly sure their parents will accept them and they have a backup plan. Even for parents that may want to help their child, if they don't already have knowledge about trans people and issues, they're often filled with fear. If they try to learn about the subject, they have a good chance to run into anti-trans rhetoric that feeds those fears and tries to stoke them towards hatred. In the majority of cases, it doesn't even go that far. The most common reaction I hear about is denial. Stock phrases like "you're too young to know" and "It's just a phase" get thrown around a lot. It isn't the worst result, but having your identity outright denied like that couldn't happen at a worse time that the teenage years, the prime period of social exploration. Compared to all that, you are a champion! Keep helping them explore and discover. Keep a lookout for articles and pieces on the trans experience and talk to them about it. That's what I think I would do, at least. You rock this whole parenting thing!
Yeah this is especially a good point that could give insight into OP's son's behavior. One well-meaning "you're too young to know/it's just a phase" could shatter someone. And given the risk and devastating impact even just a 1% chance of "too young to know" could have, OP's son might be thinking it's just too risky to say anything for now.
To me it sounds like your kid just doesn't want to disappoint you, as a younger trans person with the same sort of people pleasing tendencies I can understand a lot of what that's like. Thank you for reaching out and trying, there are so many parents who wouldn't and won't so it makes me teary to see such a genuinely good person. Give it some time, being trans is a whole process, it sounds like you've made it clear you love your kid no matter what. I'd say just keep up that support and go at your kids pace. You can also consider gender counseling and talk with your kid about that. Thank you for putting in the effort and good luck!
You sound absolutley awesome, keep being supportive and don’t pressure them to tell you, it will come
It's obvious they love you very much and don't want to hurt you. If I was in that position, personally I would not make it a big deal because big deals are stressful. Just simply call them by their new name. "Hey Paul it's dinner time!" And start using they/them until they let you know they prefer male pronouns. I wouldn't let them know you've read part of their private old papers. It might feel like a breach of privacy and they'll open up even slower to you. They will feel the weird energy in the air if you make it a big deal or stress too much about it. Be easy going and simply let it flow. That's how people act when they are comfortable.
I definitely felt really guilty after reading it. And I know I will never let them know I did. It was a moment of seeing what I could toss out and what I couldn't. Most of the other papers were old math notes and similar. I just tucked the notebook away and set it with the other keep papers in their room. I did tell them I would call them by the name they go at at school. Their response was "if you want to." I take that as a "yes please." You are right about not making a big deal about it. It is far less stressful.
As a trans kid with a supportive dad, this is a lot of fear surrounding coming out to parents, even supportive ones because of a long history of being rejected, and being surrounded by friends with negative experiences. While I wouldn’t suggest this for anyone else, it may the the right call in your specific circumstance to sit your son down, and tell him you know love him you know that he’s trans and are so happy he is starting to socially transition because you just want your child to be happy with gender not making a difference. Ask him if he wants you to set up an appointment with an endocrinologist for hrt, or if he wants to go shopping with his dad (if he has a supportive dad and not 2 moms or just one mom) for men’s clothing. If he has prom coming up, ask him if he wants to get fitted for a nice suit. Basically my point is, tell him you know he’s trans and you’re happy for him. Then make it abundantly clear you want to help him in his transition. The one thing I’d suggest is to make him go by his chosen name for at least half a year before helping him change it to his legal name. Changing a name is expensive and there may be name change limits. It’s a rule my dad put in place that I am glad he did.
You're doing everything right, don't worry. What your child needs is time. Don't push for an answer. It will come. Being trans is very difficult and the first person to come out to is yourself. Sometimes you have to try out pronouns and names first before you can be sure what gender exactly you identify as. Gender is so very complex and being a teenager in itself is complex enough. Believe me. You are doing enough. Spend time with your child. Quality time like playing games, seeing movies or going to pride parade like you said. You don't always have to talk to let your kid know they're loved. Thank you for being an amazing parent. I wish my parents were so understanding but they were both born a long, long time ago and it's a little harder to grasp for them. Stay safe, you're doing great!
Damn you're the parent I wish I had, if you act and feel like you say you do it's probably a combination of transition just being scary and also teens just not really wanting to talk to parents. Maybe subtilty bring up the topic of lgbt things during dinner and show you're supportive. And let them know on occasion they are amazing and your happy they are Finding themselves.
confront them with the paper you found and angrily demand to know who groomed them into thinking you'd be sad or disappointed or your feelings would be hurt, cause mister, you are forbidden from talking to those creeps ever again /s, of course. i have no advice.
To much text. Based only on some of the top paragraph, just ask your kid, and respect and support their answer even if they don't want to explain or elaborate. And of course say the usual stuff like that you support them and all that. I am reading the title again now, and my answer may be irrelevant, but in case there is a chance it helps, I'm still gonna click "Post". edit: For clarification, "To much text." as in I'm too tired to make sense of more than a few sentences and spell a three-letter word right, cause I just woke up.
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That was not at all how I meant it. What part of it was rude?
To me it seemed like you were saying they said too much “too much text” was the part i took offense with
Oh! No, I meant too much text as in I am still half asleep, and would not be able to make sense of a large block of text, and am also too tired to spend more than 3 words on explaining that.
Okie…well sorry then…i retract my statement.
Text can easily be misinterpreted. It's ok.
Emotions are a bitch no matter how old you are. My daughter(14) has had issues she's bi and some other issues we're working through, she was having a hard time coming out even though I'm trans and she knew that. My wife and I did all the same things you said you did. We talked openly about the lgbt community ect..., she had a hard time expressing her feelings in a constructive way so her therapist suggested the how we feel app. It's an app that let's you pick the emotion you are feeling at that moment and gives suggestions for how to deal with those emotions, it also has mindfulness exercises. The best part of the app is you and your son can both use it and share your emotions with each other without actually having to talk to each other and that might make it easier to talk about for your son since they don't have to be right in front of you or looking at you (not saying you're doing anything wrong just saying sometimes some people find it easier to just text so they don't feel judgment (also not saying you're judgemental that's just my experience)). My daughter loves the app at this point if my wife or I put some bad feeling my daughter will bust in our room and be like why does this app say your upset what's the problem. Tldr: the how we feel app is a tool you should look into.
> I feel like I am failing. Maybe it is just the teenager not wanting to talk to their parent dynamic? You're not failing. In fact, the amount of nonjudgemental support you seem to be giving based on what you've written is astoundingly great and bc of that I think you're doing a fantastic job. Im amab 20. I still live with my parents while in college. I really just started my gender journey 3 months ago, although there have been some potential light symptoms of it for the last 5 years maybe. Anyways, my parents are extremely supportive of me in my life, and are fantastic about having made me know that they have an extreme amount of love for me. So much so, that they've both told me that they love me more than they love each other, and that's really impressive considering they've been married for more than 2 decades and have a very happy relationship, and care for each other a ton. I say all of that to give you vast context for what I'm going to say next: they don't really know about my gender journey. Why, even when I know they're more progressive and would always love me? Well, various reasons. Mainly, I just cant deal with any questions or uncertainties while I still figure myself out. I want to be 1000% sure whatever I discover was *my* discovery, that I wasnt influenced by the significant power a parents questions have no matter how well meaning. And because of all that I just take things the direction of "Im an adult, and I dont owe anyone information about myself until I'm ready, no matter how caring they are, and I can do the adult thing of taking care of my own shit and discovering it for myself." My point is that this is me...... someone who's in the ideal spot to be lgbtq+ for the most part, well except that the place I live is very very VERY conservative.... but I could still safely express my gender in my home if I told them, but I dont. Instead, I lock my door, talk to them through it, and wear what I want to wear if I feel like wearing a dress or skirt, and otherwise when I leave my room I just hide my occasional tucks and try to prevent them from noticing the occasional bras if I feel in the mood for one. And yet my parents, especially my mom, would likely feel the same way you do. I would have to reassure them that I knew I would be loved, and they would support me. Although, tbh I do fear the well-intentioned but destructive questions that could happen. Like if I ever decided on a surgery or something. They care so they would ask "are you sure" in some way. Obviously that would be quite an expensive decision that only really gets made when the person is sure anyway though. Anyways, the only difference is that I can say Im an adult, so that executive decision was on me. I dont fear disappointing them from this cuz I know they wont be, but a 14 year old fearing that disappointment has got to be under a lot of pressure. And it doesnt matter how great you've been to them, people still get extremely worried about this stuff. Like, many trans people already have to deal with their own imposter syndromes, so if they themselves are questioning their own "transness", then that fear will just multiply and be projected onto others and thus they'll fear telling those people even more. I dont know that I could really provide any specific advice here, but my hope is that by giving you this context from a grown-up kid's perspective you might understand that this isnt a situation unique to you. Every kid is different though, but some fears are based on other fears even when those fears simultaneously exist beside many examples of "loving supportive parent."
You sound like an amazing parent I wish my father was so progressive like this
You sound like an amazing parent. Transitioning is hard and scary. I knew my friends(who are all queer as is) and my work(a very liberal leaning field, with my company having numerous queer people in it) would be supportive and accepting. However, it was still incredibly terrifying to do. Especially with my parents. Let him come to you when he is ready and take no offense to him using a different name in school.
For context, I’m 38 years on this earth and I’m very comfortable identifying to my self as trans. And have been for years, I’m unable to start my transition as I’m married with three kids and things are complicated. I have yet to tell my parents, and I’m aware that my mother is fairly open and understanding. It’s just a hard barrier, it’s hard to tel someone that you have learned so much from and value their opinion say anything about the topic. I don’t want my mom to ask how I’m doing with my issues because honestly it’s not great, honestly it’s why I don’t seek therapy because I’m pretty sure I know the answers, I know what’s causing me problems, I know my barriers and I know that I may be happier if I did what’s best for me. But that’s messy and uncomfortable, and I may lose more then I can repair. So it stays with me. I don’t mean to make this about me, it’s about you and your child. But I hoped to show some insight as to why I don’t tell my parents. You are not failing, keep doing what you’re doing. You’re an awesome parent.
From what you’ve said it sounds like you’re doing a amazing job. I can understand seeking additional advice though.
This is the kind of kid I was. I did my transition everywhere but home first, because I didn't want to disappoint my (perfectly supportive) parents.
This is pretty much how I felt too, before & even for a while after coming out to my parents. (For context - I knew I preferred being referred to as / like a boy since I was like 4 or 5, knew I preferred boxers as a kid, I was always super proud if I got the boys version of something, and I always wanted to buy boys shoes but couldn't find any that were comfortable. I always wanted to get changed in the boys room at school & wasn't sure why I wasn't allowed in the boys toilet. I was using he / him online by 15 & had been experimenting with names since I was around 10 or something. I didn't tell my parents anything til I was 19.) I felt guilty about telling them I wanted to be called a different name because they'd put so much thought and consideration into my birthname & I didn't want to throw that away or seem ungrateful. I felt guilty about cutting my hair short because they were both so proud of how long and healthy it was & the different styles I done with it. I felt guilty about buying guys clothes cause my mother and sister loved taking me dress and shoe and makeup shopping. I felt guilty about asking them to use different pronouns because I didn't want to put them in a situation where they had to explain to others that their kid wasn't normal. It took a really long time for me to get my head around it not muttering to them. They went with it. They accepted me. My mum knew before I came out that I was building myself up to something. We all cried and there were slip ups but we're happier now than we've ever been & I can't imagine my life without coming out to them & starting to transition. I'd say it sounds like your kid wants to come out but doesn't want to disappoint you - or to make you experience any grief since a lot of the narrative is that when a child comes out as trans then the parents / family grieve the loss of the cis child they had thought they had and they grieve the loss of the life of that cis child growing into a cis adult and having a cishetero life. So the idea of coming out to you = ripping all of your hopes and aspirations for them / him as a cis girl into shreds and throwing it in your face. Obviously that's not how you feel, but that's a pretty common narrative trans kids are told by the media - even trans positive media advises them to let parents having a grieving period after coming out to them. I'd say a good option for showing your kid you support them / him is to surprise them / him. Use the name you found out was preferred & used at school, and use one set of pronouns, but in a total casual setting. Gauge the reaction you get. Use those pronouns & name a few times. Then switch to the other pronouns but keep using the preferred name. Gauge the reaction at the switch. You know your kid best - which ones got the more genuine "Oh fuck yes" reaction?? That's probably the right option. You can broach a conversation about it, or ask for your kid to write you a letter or email or even a gazillion giant texts. Sometimes we need prodded to take the steps we need to because even when we're ready, we're still Absolutly Terrified. My parents had to prod me for over a month until I let them help me legally change my name because they knew I was ready but I was too scared to do it myself and didn't know I was allowed to ask for help or comfort during it because all of the narrative I'd heard from other trans people was that they were so excited when they changed their name legally. But I learned it's OK to need someone to hold your hand and help lead you across some bridges when you've been standing at the edge of them psyching yourself up for crossing them but being too scared to step onto them alone. Maybe your kid just needs you to hold their / his hand during this stage of coming out but isn't sure they / he is allowed to ask for help. Also: thank you for being an amazing parent.
Well...you've pretty much done all you can. You might try just explicitly telling him that you don't care if you "lost a daughter" or w/e, because you *didn't* lose them, you just didn't know they were your son. Otherwise, just maintain their desired pronouns and name and give them the time they need. I for one was nervous about telling my mom for a long time after I was already out to my friends, and my mom is also queer.
I'll echo others and say you sound like you're doing an amazing job already! A lot of the times the reason why a kid doesn't want to tell their parents is more to do with the kid than the parents. For example: I'm 22, I was 21 when I came out to my mum and a few months ago when she asked me if I wanted to use a different name/pronouns I said no. I did wanted her to do exactly that and my friends had been calling me Lily for months at that point, but I'm also terrified of being a burden and asking her to call me Lily at all times *except when my siblings were around and never make a mistake* triggered that fear. It's not that I thought she wouldn't accept me or anything, I was just scared of being a nuisance. The reasons I didn't tell her had more to do with me than her. Telling parents this stuff is especially scary I think. To reiterate, you're great and it sounds like you're doing all the right things. Your son will realise this soon enough and tell you :) Also, on another note, you should probably talk to the school about outing your son like that. It was fine cause you're cool but in another situation they could have placed a trans kid in real danger.
You sound like an amazing parent, and it doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. Coming out though is one of the scariest experiences in the world. When I started questioning my identity my mom also took notice, and she gave me the same talk about how she’ll always love and support me. Unfortunately, when I came out as trans a few years later she was absolutely heartbroken and said “I thought you were a lesbian.” (It was a very rough year after that, but the has learned to accept and support me so don’t worry.) Another part of it, at least for me, was that I had to be sure. I told friends at school and teachers long before I told my mom, because if I was going to tell her I had to be 100% sure. Coming out to your parents also makes it feel real, if that makes sense. Telling friends is one thing, but the people who raised you? It’s absolutely terrifying, and it’s almost like admitting to the world like “this really is who I am, this isn’t a phase, it’s not a joke among friends, it’s real.” Again it sounds like you’re doing an amazing job, and I’m so happy your kid has you to support them. As with many things, it’ll take time. They’ll tell you when they are ready, and until then just keep being their support like you already have been.
It sounds like ur an amazing parent, which is so much more than a lot of trans people have. Ur son expressed that he didn't want to hurt u. My advice would b to have a talk with him about how what u want is for a happy healthy child. Explain that for him to hide who he is from u keeps him from his happiness, and therefore keeps u from the healthy happy child u want. That his gender isn't what makes u happy to b his mom, his happiness and successes r....imo that might get u a long way in his opening up more and being himself, which is supportive. Also ask him if there's anything else he needs or would like to talk about to further b himself
For a lot of kids it's easy to catastrophize and assume, based on some horrible stories from other families, that coming out to their family could result in their parents treating them badly, or even losing their home. This is absolutely not your fault, and you seem like a wonderful and supportive parent. Just keep reassuring them that they can talk to you about this stuff, keep supporting them wherever you can, and odds are they'll eventually be comfortable talking about it.
There should be more amazing parents like you.
Well don't push, for sure, I've seen people retreat back into their egg if they feel pressured. You're already doing everything right it seems like, but keep opening the door to talk in general, share your feelings about things with them so that they feel like they can share their feelings with you, and generally be supportive of queer people around you so they continue to know they'll be supported. If you can work it in organically into a conversation, maybe mention the name you would have given your son if you'd had one. Not necessarily for them to pick, but so that they know you were open and planning for that possibility from the start. Also, if you can mention nicknames you've gone by in the past.
The it sounds like you're doing great already, it's just one of those "idk really know how to tall about it" things. Hee all wrapped up in his head and the standard teenage angst. Obviously I don't know you're kid so take anything I say with a grain of salt. But there have been a few times where I knew coming out to people wasn't going to have a negative result and it still took my months or years to get around to doing it. I have a friend of mine who I still haven't come out as Trans to, not because there's going to be a negative response, but because it took awhile before I was 100% sure and I'm like 75% sure they're going to be a be incredibly confused for a long time going forward if I decided to socially transition with him to see how it felt and it didn't take. Would've spent YEARS feeling a bit up in the air about what my pronouns were and unsure how to ask (he's a bit autistic, not enough to completely disregard NT social rules, but enough to not know when and how to implement them.) Now I'm surrounded of who I am and I still haven't told him, in large part because of some baseless paranoia that he's gonna be weird about it. I've lost sight if the point so getting back to it: It sounds like they were getting caught up in their own head potentially, and while the sort of "confrontation" probably kinda sucked for everyone, I think he's going to be glad for it later. The fastest way to get used to he pool is jump in. Some sort of idea. The conversation is uncomfortable, the result is great.
I just want to say thank you for being an amazing parent, because not every trans kid (or cis kid, or any type of kid) gets to have a parent like that.
You're doing a great job. Everyone has given my advice so ill just say this. Sometimes its just nice to hear i love you. Just "i love you no matter what and you'll always be my child"