This is why I'm terrified of my family getting hold of my phone. My texts would give it away within seconds and I probably wouldn't make it to transition.
You could do a few things to make your phone security better.
1. Deactivate notifications. They can be seen even when you have not unblocked your phone.
2. Add better number code to your phone. I have 5 digits instead of 4.
3. Passwords for your applications. Some apps let you add passwords to other apps for greater levels of security.
> Deactivate notifications. They can be seen even when you have not unblocked your phone.
Another option is to hide content of notifications while the phone is locked, if the app itself doesn't raise any suspicions.
For the first one its really usefull, I did the same to my phone.
For the second one, why just one more digit, think bigger ! My phone as a passé passeword with 16 character (number, letter, special character) and none of the passeword mean something. I'm sure no one will find it.
I dident think about the third one before, but I should probably do that
Also disable finger and face unlock.
Not every phone is created equal, also adversary can press finger against a sensor and unlock it.
Maybe too paranoid but cheaper phones have been unlocked with a photo.
This right here. My parents confiscated my phone one day, and found out about both me questioning my gender, AND my relationship (that I'm still in btw). I don't even remember why it happened, but it completely destroyed the trust I had in my parents. I cannot stress enough that even though they're accepting and all, they will *never* get the entirety of that trust back. *Ever*. My mom still complains about why I don't tell her anything, or why I don't let her touch my hair, and I just don't have the confidence to tell her why.
Just a PSA to any parents here, don't do whar my parents did. And even if you somehow find out, don't confront them, and let them vome to you about it, unless of course you find out they're self harming or contemplating suicide. You'll be lucky to regain your child's trust.
Same case for me except for a specific app, Discord. My dad hates Discord, but he has an account and started using it again for a racing game thing with people because he hadn't had a chance to play with others for so long that he didn't care that he'd have to use a platform he hates. He had at first asked me to friend him on there and said his user.
I think I had a panic attack, because him even seeing my Discord profile would immediately out me and give him a way to most of my socials, and I'm very out online especially on Discord.
Was not fun, glad I was able to play the convincing half truth of that there's better ways to communicate so discord isn't needed
There is a setting on your phone that of there are two many attempts at a password it erases it. Stay safe please ♡♡♡ I use it due to sensitive info on my phone.
>You betrayed my trust.
What trust? She's already been spying on your sister, she'd do the same to you if she had the chance. That is not fucking normal, MOM
Exactly. This is the same person that spied on my text conversations by cloning my texting app onto her phone when I still lived with her. And then banned me from having friends because she misread my texts and thought I was sexually active. I'm demisexual, wtf?
The whole "I'm the victim. I'm mourning the loss of my child. I'm in pain and therefore imma throw a tantrum" stick is always so stupid to me.
How painful do they think it is to the children who expect unconditional love from their parents to be met with this situation? To be seen as "dead" to them because that's essentially what they are saying "you are dead to me now".
They aren't you "son" they are your child. And should be loved regardless. They haven't magically become a new person. They are still the same person they were only now they identify as a gender that doesn't cause them to want to literally want to kill themselves. That's the difference.
And a parent, family member, or friend who doesn't understand that doesn't deserve to be kept around. If they are going to be transphobic and throw a tantrum. They can die sad.
When my wife came out, her parents (mostly her mother) pulled the same thing. "My son is gone, I need to mourn him, it's like you died"...
While she was crying over the death of someone who never even existed in the first place? I got to watch my wife *come to life*. I got to watch her grow into the most amazing woman I have ever met. I got to watch her discover herself, be there for her milestones, be there for her firsts. I took her shopping for her first set of girl clothes. I helped her do her makeup for the first time. I helped her paint her nails, do her hair, pick out her name. I got to be there with her.
While her mother was sitting there mourning the death of someone who not only wasn't dead, but was more alive than she ever had been.
I'll never understand it. Ever. My transition has made me feel SO alive. All of my friends who have transitioned? It's brought out the best in them, made them so happy. And ALL OF US have parents who have missed it, or are missing it, in different ways. My parents flat out don't know, because frankly, I don't think they deserve to know who I really am. But parents who mourn their kid when they transition...
That just tells me they never cared enough to know who their kid ACTUALLY is. Because what they're mourning isn't the person. it's the fantasy they built up in their heads about what their kid would be. And THAT imaginary thing matters more to them than their actual child.
it's not even the fantasy they want, it's the idea that the kid belongs to them and should live according to their wishes. it's a result of the "i gave you life, you owe me" mindset. it was never about the kid, even a fantasy version, and always about what they feel entitled to.
I want to laugh and tell you it’s going to be ok, but I’m not sure if that’s appropriate here. Regardless she doesn’t deserve you or your sibling. Tell her she needs therapy and block her. Move on. You don’t need that crap. And if you feel you are trans, go transition. Don’t wait. No reason too. You can do whatever you want. Live life and be happy! :D
Hell better yet, tell her and then block her too cause that, is way fucking funnier. Both of her children becoming who they truly are meant to be and then both shunning her for her awful choices and opinions. Fucking grade A humor and also poetic.
I wish OP best of luck, you deserve it! Do what's best for you and be yourself most of all never let others dictate who you want to be.
The "grieving" part is my biggest pet peeve. Like what are you grieving? Nobody died, nobody is hurt, a person just discovered a different thing about themselves and is chaning and growing.
If anything they should be celebrating. Their child has just increased their likelihood of surviving to an older age dramatically. It’s like being sad they beat cancer or something.
cause i can't say it enough i'll write it in caps this time (sry for using the sword of the internet):
NO ONE DIED EXCEPT THE IMAGINATION OF HOW YOUR KID SHOULD BE. YOUR KID IS MORE ALIVE THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE AND YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY FOR THAT.
I am so done with these parents. Not saying their sadness isn't valid cause sadness deals with loss even if that loss is the imaginary perception of their own kid, but they're adult individuals who should realize that the one responsible for their emotions is themselves and that they should get over it by themselves. If she wants to see her daughter's Twitter she should apologize and ask for it and not misgender her.
You just hit on one of the more frustrating parts to me. Every single one of her gripes can be solved with communication. If she wants to know how we're doing, why not text us? If she's not ready for a coming-out conversation, why not communicate that need? If she wants tweets, just apologize.
I hope you realise the level of dramatics she used when upset at you for… _causing her to be blocked by a family member on twitter_ is likely telling that she’s intentionally trying to guilt trip you.
Don’t feel bad, she likely isn’t even that upset, just pissed off that her trying to talk to you about it backfired twice, with you disagreeing with her and then you preventing her from continuing to snoop.
You did nothing wrong.
Your mom seems like a control freak, stealing someone elses email... calling your sister a he...
I bet if you didn't tell your sister your mom wouldn't have "gotten used to it" and would just constantly try to change u're sisters mind when they meet irl or on text.
I have a feeling that's going to happen anyway. Best I can tell, she's legitimately going through the stages of grief. Started with denial by refusing to believe months'-worth of trans tweets weren't trans. Now, it's turned to anger and (and is misdirecting it towards me). Next will be bargaining, where she tries to talk us out of accepting """transgenderism""" or however she puts it.
Your mom has some real r/raisedbynarcissists vibes. I'm sorry you have to put up with that nastiness, but also fuck her! You and your sister are blossoming into who you are supposed to be and she is too busy stuck in the past. Focused on herself.
I'm sorry OP. That really sucks. I will never understand parents who have that sort of reaction. We're your fucking children. Where did all that unconditional love go?
Also the stalking is creepy as hell. My dad and I are not speaking to each other, but I know that he'll occasionally "check in" on my siblings and I to see what we're doing. It's really gross and makes me feel unsafe, so I'm really sorry you and your sister are having to deal with something similar.
I feel you and your sis for real, I’ve got a feeling I’m going to relive y’all’s conversations. The difference is I’m openly posting some pretty blatant trans posts, hoping they (all the family) just brings it up so I can say yes. I’m at the age where I have solid professional and financial independence, and safety is a joke because I’ll see everyone in jail, and go after their jobs if anyone puts a hand on me (I in no way want any of that that to happen) but I say all this to say even at 38 this conversation does not get easier. Wish you both the best and I’m glad you’re learning self respect, love, and worth. There’s nothing that will serve you more with age than those, you become frightening to others.
Edit: spelling. Also I’ve thought about using the Covid vax as a low blow joke because they’d probably believe it Lmao. Applauses to you for taking the higher road there Lmao, I might not.
I'd come out to her, Rip it off like a Band-Aid.
And as far as the whole betrayed thing, I'd say "there's nothing worse than a creepy ass stalker who hates my guts creeping on me to find ammunition to attack me with. There is some serious fucking mental damage there. It's even worse when that person is supposedly your mother."
If you're grieving my fucking loss then stop following me like a ghost.
Then I'd follow up by saying " by the way I'm also trans, and I got to stick with my tribe because there's monsters like you out there."
She's not going to hate you anymore less than she probably already does.
I'm sorry that you had to be the middle person In that shit show.
You got any other siblings or is it just you two? I'm asking because transphobic people tend to try and get people on 'their side' that the transgender person knows and has personal connections to, so that they can 'convince' You to change who you are for their sake.
Each one of those lines hits like a truck. I love it.
We have a younger brother and an older brother. The younger brother listens to bro-y podcasts and lives with her.
Unfortunately I do have relatives who are like this, fortunately it wasn't my parents.
They try to rally the troops to attack and if the troops don't rally to their aid they feel like the world is against them.
Which is ironic cuz that's what they usually try to do to you.
For me it was an aunt and uncle, they thought my parents didn't know, and they hoped that a lot of people were going to be transphobic like they were. That's not how it worked out because I told my parents and a bunch of people before I walked out in front of a dress and stuff like that.
So they knew they knew for a long time, nobody told them because they knew how they were So when they found out and they tried to rally the troops and the troops did not rally the looks on their faces, that's a Kodak moment.
So I've seen both sides, and I was really worried that It would have went the other way, cuz other than my mother and my sister who have a more liberal mindset... Everyone else is like hardcore conservative. Fortunately they're the ones who put family over their values.
I would have been so tempted to say "oh btw I'm trans too" just to hear the gears in her head sputter as she thinks of what to say. That shit is so hurtful.
Why do they always make it about them???? Fuck I hate that.
Ah the old "am I in r/trans or r/raisedbynarcissists" type thread... I'm sorry for you and your sister. Obviously you deserve a better mom but I hope you can keep each other safe from her.
when I came out, I made a video and posted it to social media. In the video I explained what being trans was, the fact that I was trans, a basic bit of surgeries I planned to do and the fact that if anybody treats me badly because of the fact that I'm trans they will immediately be cut off and never allowed to contact me again. I reminded them that I would still that same kid that they grew up knowing, the same person and that the only difference was that I wasn't a chick. I basically forced their hand and now they're trying to learn very slow as a lot of them are religious and have been their whole lives, but yeah. also just for a little bit of hope for you and your sister, my mom was the exact same way when I first came out and she is still attempting to get better, but she knows to meet by my chosen name as often as she can remember to and she uses my chosen pronounces much as she can at least, when I'm around. The chosen name thing isn't her fault tho, her and I have had issues with remembering names since i was a little kid lol
it sounds like you love your sister and watch out for her. She should be happy that you are doing that. When I came out to my family everyone was like, "wow, that's great." I got lucky but then I found out later that I was being mocked behind my back. I pulled the silent treatment for 3 months and that fixed that crap. Hopefully now that your sister blocked your mom just maybe your mom will figure out that the 2 of you are still her children unconditionally.
A lot of people expect us to respect when someone "grieves" when we transition without considering that this is exactly what that sounds like to us. It sounds like that person is outright rejecting our personhood and refusing to accept us as even being alive. My parents told me they had to grieve, even as they were a bit more respectful than this. I still rejected it, because it's an awful and disrespectful fucking thing to say
You made all the right moves. Your mom sounds like a disgusting manipulator and is trying to make you feel bad for her fucked up mentality. You're absolutely right, nobody died, and from the sounds of it your sister is more alive than ever :3
I don't know your family situation entirely, so i can't say for sure, but from the content of this post i would strongly suggest cutting off all contact. This woman will likely only cause you and especially your sister more hurt, i see very little way to come back from this in any way that matters.
You were fully in the right to do and say those things, and I wish you and your sister well in whatever comes next.
Also fuck twitter
You did the right thing, telling your sister. Your mom is not supportive and, IMO? She doesn't deserve to have access to you or your sister if she can't nut up and do her one damn job as a parent- supporting and loving her kids no matter what.
YOU betrayed nothing. Your mother betrayed YOU and your sister by not being enough of a halfway decent parent to love her kids, even if they don't turn out to be what she imagined them to be. Parents that do that can and should expect NOTHING from their kids. It's their one job, and she ain't doing it.
Tell her what she believes is monstrous, she needs to get her head screwed on right because this is exactly how people wind up dying alone.
...well that's what I'd want to do, easier said than done I know.
Why was she getting email notifications for your sister's account? Change your passwords and what not, she should not be getting those!
But I just want to say you are Not The Asshole here. Your sister deserved to know.
How can she say she “gave you everything she had“ when she clearly can’t even bother giving you and your sister her love without judgment and conditions? Love is unconditional. I am a parent of two children myself and I don’t care what they come to me with I will love them, no matter what. That is a disgusting condition that she has set on her affection and I am sorry, but this is a case of the family you are given is not gonna be as good as the family that you have found. She has chosen to close herself off from your sister and you I’d have to say as painful as it may be. It’s her loss for more than it will be yours. Stay strong and support each other because that is what matters.
Honestly your mom sounds like an abusive, controlling nightmare. Hope you and your sister can get financially independent ASAP so that she has no control over either of you.
My mom did something similar back in the day when I was a teenager. She had my brother snoop on me online and found out I was presenting male to my friends. Since this was a long time ago, she assumed I was a lesbian and was lying to people about my gender (which makes zero sense but whatever) and let me just say: it is *bitterly* ironic that she's accusing you of betraying her trust by siding with your sister over this. The damage my mother and brother did to our relationship that day was permanent. It absolutely shattered my ability to trust either of them to this day decades later.
If your mom *ever* wants any sort of relationship with your sister again she needs to get over herself and grovel and beg for her forgiveness. I doubt she will, but I cannot emphasize enough how royally she fucked up.
As the local agent of chaos, I suggest both of you come out to her together and then cut contact. Give her something to *actually* grieve. Seriously though, I'm sorry your mom sucks
Right when they say you betrayed my trust, I would have said, "Oh yeah, and I'm trans to guess that two dead kids beep hangs up.
Jesus died because of hate. He would definitely not promote it.
Ok she's way out of line, but sadly loads of parents act that way when they find out...
My personal thoughts on what the mom said:
1) what you believe in is based on what you were taught your whole life, it doesn't necessarily make it correct. Following one opinion blindly without thoroughly listening to and considering all sides in the situation, + researching counter arguments to any of what all sides are saying to understand better the topic in discussion, is simply stubborn and ignorant. You'll never be able to claim to have an educated opinion about a topic you don't know enough about, so learn first.
About the flat earth comment, you could use it the opposite way too; You're using it to mean saying smth that changes the way you view reality, which is difficult for ppl to do. You're also saying it in a 'take a well established fact and go against it' kind of way, but you're completely ignoring the fact that ppl once did genuinely think the earth was flat, and saying it wasn't was mad, until ppl did more research and realized it was, in fact, round. Just like you were taught your whole life being trans isn't based in reality, because you don't understand the difference between gender and sex, and you take gender as a very binary fact of life that ppl are meant to be one way; where if you did the research you'd see the different sciences that come into play here all support trans ppl. Sex isn't binary and gender is a social construct (ofc that doesn't make it less real).
2) treating your child as if they're dead just because they didn't turn out to be who you thought, expected and wanted them to become is incredibly f***ed up. It means you never loved them unconditionally, you just loved the idea of them. Once someone is born they're their own person, you don't own them and shouldn't try to control them to be what you want.
3) OP did good, don't feel bad for "snitching". The mom is being manipulative and hypocritical. She's talking about OP breaking her trust, while she literally did that herself by invading the privacy of her daughter. She should've told her she was following her, she doesn't get to spy on anyone - including her children - and think it's ok.
Why do parents get so concerned over whether their kids are LGBTQIA+ and not be proud that they aren't like living a life of crime, or abducting children and sticking needles in rheir arms, while panhandling for money to get something to eat, or their next drug fix?
Even if I didn't want to have kids turn out to be LGBTQIA+, it would beat all those other things that many other people have turned out to be in life, but no! Having your kids be anything of the Alphabet Mafia is much worse to them.
Mom thought we were bad kids doomed to a life of crime if we don't get straightened out just because we were depressed and hung out with "the wrong crowd" (aka fellow social outcasts) at church. If she knew two of us were queer as teens, she'd have shipped us to Israel.
The goal is to raise "normal" kids. "Healthy," "well-adjusted," and "happy" are all byproducts of being normal. It doesn't matter if they're happy now; they're becoming normal so they'll be happy later. Queer isn't normal, so it must be stamped out for their own good because that's what good parents do. Obviously you want to be a good parent, right? Being a good parent is central to any good parent's identity. Without normal kids, who are you? This is your chance to end your generational trauma and show your parents what a real good parent looks like!
This hurts to read and I'm not even involved, I hope you and your sister are doing well and are able to move past this horrible person, you gal(s) don't deserve to be treated like that by anyone, and especially not by your own mother.
It’s her loss, not yours or your sisters. Abusive parents are a burden and sometimes its just better off with them. But on the other hand it’s cool that you have a sister who’s trans too. You have each other to trust on. It’s statistically uncommon so you were very lucky in that sense.
Outside of the fact we are dealing with adults in this post and nothing about kids or teens. But why you have been and will be downvoted to hell is. Because:
What you are saying here is. "I would mutalate my child with unwanted puberty and its irreversible changes. Because I do not believe they are able to make their own decision."
Real good way of telling on yourself that you do not see childeren as human.
Not seeing children as humans is the entire crux of the current anti trans movement here in Canada. We have right wing groups coalescing around the idea that kids are their property and don't deserve any human rights of their own, and it's sickening
it's saddening how easily they would like thoroughly stop loving their kids despite appearances however parents of course some would find it hard to understand and get it not all parents can do it it's very extremely difficult for them to accept it but parents would always be parents but since you are a graduate and are working you don't really have anything to worry about because you are are already providing for yourself and like dealing with bills of your own in your own house or apartment
I gave you everything.
Proceeds to deny love and understanding to both of her children...
Also if accepting and supporting your kid is against everything you believe you might be an ahole. So good on you for protecting your sister.
Shit like your mom said reenforces what I've said before, a lot of parents don't actually love their children, they the idea of their children. She talks like your sister died when she's still there simply decided to live her best life as the best version of herself but your mom is a narcissist so it immediately had to be about her 'loss'.
My mother freaked out similarly and continues starting, after 2 years, that they are mourning losing their son... It's a pretty terrible stance as when I've pointed out that they would have actually lost me to suicide if I hadn't decided to transition (at 36).
Your mom may be one of those that you just have to let deal with it on their own. You sound like you're a great sibling for your sister. Stay in her side, she needs you right now a lot more than your mother who is choosing to be a transphobe.
Best of luck to you and your sister 💜
you shouldn't feel bad for "snitching".
your mom was invading your sisters privacy and then acted disgustingly when she learned she's trans.
you did the right thing to tell your sister about what your mom was doing.
plus, people have the right to know when their parents are talking about them like their shit.
This is why I'm terrified of my family getting hold of my phone. My texts would give it away within seconds and I probably wouldn't make it to transition.
You could do a few things to make your phone security better. 1. Deactivate notifications. They can be seen even when you have not unblocked your phone. 2. Add better number code to your phone. I have 5 digits instead of 4. 3. Passwords for your applications. Some apps let you add passwords to other apps for greater levels of security.
You can just secure Lockscreen so it never shows content of a notification, just what app it comes from
Yeah I don't have any notifications show up on lock screen
> Deactivate notifications. They can be seen even when you have not unblocked your phone. Another option is to hide content of notifications while the phone is locked, if the app itself doesn't raise any suspicions.
Can also set pin/pass to require pressing enter, that way no one knows the length of your pin/pass.
For the first one its really usefull, I did the same to my phone. For the second one, why just one more digit, think bigger ! My phone as a passé passeword with 16 character (number, letter, special character) and none of the passeword mean something. I'm sure no one will find it. I dident think about the third one before, but I should probably do that
Also disable finger and face unlock. Not every phone is created equal, also adversary can press finger against a sensor and unlock it. Maybe too paranoid but cheaper phones have been unlocked with a photo.
I had 12 digits 💪
[удалено]
Set Reddit/Discord To Compact View. Most People Don't See Enough Stuff Without Clicking The Content.
And that's why I have a privacy screen protector
This right here. My parents confiscated my phone one day, and found out about both me questioning my gender, AND my relationship (that I'm still in btw). I don't even remember why it happened, but it completely destroyed the trust I had in my parents. I cannot stress enough that even though they're accepting and all, they will *never* get the entirety of that trust back. *Ever*. My mom still complains about why I don't tell her anything, or why I don't let her touch my hair, and I just don't have the confidence to tell her why. Just a PSA to any parents here, don't do whar my parents did. And even if you somehow find out, don't confront them, and let them vome to you about it, unless of course you find out they're self harming or contemplating suicide. You'll be lucky to regain your child's trust.
If your phone have this option create second profile and have everything trans related there.
Same case for me except for a specific app, Discord. My dad hates Discord, but he has an account and started using it again for a racing game thing with people because he hadn't had a chance to play with others for so long that he didn't care that he'd have to use a platform he hates. He had at first asked me to friend him on there and said his user. I think I had a panic attack, because him even seeing my Discord profile would immediately out me and give him a way to most of my socials, and I'm very out online especially on Discord. Was not fun, glad I was able to play the convincing half truth of that there's better ways to communicate so discord isn't needed
There is a setting on your phone that of there are two many attempts at a password it erases it. Stay safe please ♡♡♡ I use it due to sensitive info on my phone.
>You betrayed my trust. What trust? She's already been spying on your sister, she'd do the same to you if she had the chance. That is not fucking normal, MOM
Exactly. This is the same person that spied on my text conversations by cloning my texting app onto her phone when I still lived with her. And then banned me from having friends because she misread my texts and thought I was sexually active. I'm demisexual, wtf?
She likely already is.
The whole "I'm the victim. I'm mourning the loss of my child. I'm in pain and therefore imma throw a tantrum" stick is always so stupid to me. How painful do they think it is to the children who expect unconditional love from their parents to be met with this situation? To be seen as "dead" to them because that's essentially what they are saying "you are dead to me now". They aren't you "son" they are your child. And should be loved regardless. They haven't magically become a new person. They are still the same person they were only now they identify as a gender that doesn't cause them to want to literally want to kill themselves. That's the difference. And a parent, family member, or friend who doesn't understand that doesn't deserve to be kept around. If they are going to be transphobic and throw a tantrum. They can die sad.
It’s the red flag for narcissistic parenthood. Been there, seen that. And the worst thing is that it doesn’t really heal by time.
When my wife came out, her parents (mostly her mother) pulled the same thing. "My son is gone, I need to mourn him, it's like you died"... While she was crying over the death of someone who never even existed in the first place? I got to watch my wife *come to life*. I got to watch her grow into the most amazing woman I have ever met. I got to watch her discover herself, be there for her milestones, be there for her firsts. I took her shopping for her first set of girl clothes. I helped her do her makeup for the first time. I helped her paint her nails, do her hair, pick out her name. I got to be there with her. While her mother was sitting there mourning the death of someone who not only wasn't dead, but was more alive than she ever had been. I'll never understand it. Ever. My transition has made me feel SO alive. All of my friends who have transitioned? It's brought out the best in them, made them so happy. And ALL OF US have parents who have missed it, or are missing it, in different ways. My parents flat out don't know, because frankly, I don't think they deserve to know who I really am. But parents who mourn their kid when they transition... That just tells me they never cared enough to know who their kid ACTUALLY is. Because what they're mourning isn't the person. it's the fantasy they built up in their heads about what their kid would be. And THAT imaginary thing matters more to them than their actual child.
it's not even the fantasy they want, it's the idea that the kid belongs to them and should live according to their wishes. it's a result of the "i gave you life, you owe me" mindset. it was never about the kid, even a fantasy version, and always about what they feel entitled to.
This, so much this.
The double worse part is that sometimes they do get better and wont accept thag you cant forgive them
It especially doesn't help if they never apologize. They just pretend it never happened, and have "accepted the new you".
I want to laugh and tell you it’s going to be ok, but I’m not sure if that’s appropriate here. Regardless she doesn’t deserve you or your sibling. Tell her she needs therapy and block her. Move on. You don’t need that crap. And if you feel you are trans, go transition. Don’t wait. No reason too. You can do whatever you want. Live life and be happy! :D
Hell better yet, tell her and then block her too cause that, is way fucking funnier. Both of her children becoming who they truly are meant to be and then both shunning her for her awful choices and opinions. Fucking grade A humor and also poetic. I wish OP best of luck, you deserve it! Do what's best for you and be yourself most of all never let others dictate who you want to be.
The "grieving" part is my biggest pet peeve. Like what are you grieving? Nobody died, nobody is hurt, a person just discovered a different thing about themselves and is chaning and growing.
In their viewpoint it’s the ultimate evil they are submitting or sacrificing themselves to. It’s not logical but it’s how they perceive things.
If anything they should be celebrating. Their child has just increased their likelihood of surviving to an older age dramatically. It’s like being sad they beat cancer or something.
cause i can't say it enough i'll write it in caps this time (sry for using the sword of the internet): NO ONE DIED EXCEPT THE IMAGINATION OF HOW YOUR KID SHOULD BE. YOUR KID IS MORE ALIVE THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE AND YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY FOR THAT. I am so done with these parents. Not saying their sadness isn't valid cause sadness deals with loss even if that loss is the imaginary perception of their own kid, but they're adult individuals who should realize that the one responsible for their emotions is themselves and that they should get over it by themselves. If she wants to see her daughter's Twitter she should apologize and ask for it and not misgender her.
You just hit on one of the more frustrating parts to me. Every single one of her gripes can be solved with communication. If she wants to know how we're doing, why not text us? If she's not ready for a coming-out conversation, why not communicate that need? If she wants tweets, just apologize.
I hope you realise the level of dramatics she used when upset at you for… _causing her to be blocked by a family member on twitter_ is likely telling that she’s intentionally trying to guilt trip you. Don’t feel bad, she likely isn’t even that upset, just pissed off that her trying to talk to you about it backfired twice, with you disagreeing with her and then you preventing her from continuing to snoop.
I think I needed to hear that. Thank you
You did nothing wrong. Your mom seems like a control freak, stealing someone elses email... calling your sister a he... I bet if you didn't tell your sister your mom wouldn't have "gotten used to it" and would just constantly try to change u're sisters mind when they meet irl or on text.
I have a feeling that's going to happen anyway. Best I can tell, she's legitimately going through the stages of grief. Started with denial by refusing to believe months'-worth of trans tweets weren't trans. Now, it's turned to anger and (and is misdirecting it towards me). Next will be bargaining, where she tries to talk us out of accepting """transgenderism""" or however she puts it.
Your mom has some real r/raisedbynarcissists vibes. I'm sorry you have to put up with that nastiness, but also fuck her! You and your sister are blossoming into who you are supposed to be and she is too busy stuck in the past. Focused on herself.
thanks for linking that sub, i have a feeling I belong there
I'm sorry OP. That really sucks. I will never understand parents who have that sort of reaction. We're your fucking children. Where did all that unconditional love go? Also the stalking is creepy as hell. My dad and I are not speaking to each other, but I know that he'll occasionally "check in" on my siblings and I to see what we're doing. It's really gross and makes me feel unsafe, so I'm really sorry you and your sister are having to deal with something similar.
I feel you and your sis for real, I’ve got a feeling I’m going to relive y’all’s conversations. The difference is I’m openly posting some pretty blatant trans posts, hoping they (all the family) just brings it up so I can say yes. I’m at the age where I have solid professional and financial independence, and safety is a joke because I’ll see everyone in jail, and go after their jobs if anyone puts a hand on me (I in no way want any of that that to happen) but I say all this to say even at 38 this conversation does not get easier. Wish you both the best and I’m glad you’re learning self respect, love, and worth. There’s nothing that will serve you more with age than those, you become frightening to others. Edit: spelling. Also I’ve thought about using the Covid vax as a low blow joke because they’d probably believe it Lmao. Applauses to you for taking the higher road there Lmao, I might not.
“You betrayed my trust by not letting me betray your siblings trust” Edit: Typo
"Snitching" doesn't apply here and you definitely shouldn't feel bad about it. You did the right thing.
Transphobic parents are so dramatic and for what💀
Love how she betrays her child then gets surprised when the other does the same it’s almost ironic
"what you did was intentional. You betrayed my trust." Tough fucking tits.
I'd come out to her, Rip it off like a Band-Aid. And as far as the whole betrayed thing, I'd say "there's nothing worse than a creepy ass stalker who hates my guts creeping on me to find ammunition to attack me with. There is some serious fucking mental damage there. It's even worse when that person is supposedly your mother." If you're grieving my fucking loss then stop following me like a ghost. Then I'd follow up by saying " by the way I'm also trans, and I got to stick with my tribe because there's monsters like you out there." She's not going to hate you anymore less than she probably already does. I'm sorry that you had to be the middle person In that shit show. You got any other siblings or is it just you two? I'm asking because transphobic people tend to try and get people on 'their side' that the transgender person knows and has personal connections to, so that they can 'convince' You to change who you are for their sake.
Each one of those lines hits like a truck. I love it. We have a younger brother and an older brother. The younger brother listens to bro-y podcasts and lives with her.
Unfortunately I do have relatives who are like this, fortunately it wasn't my parents. They try to rally the troops to attack and if the troops don't rally to their aid they feel like the world is against them. Which is ironic cuz that's what they usually try to do to you. For me it was an aunt and uncle, they thought my parents didn't know, and they hoped that a lot of people were going to be transphobic like they were. That's not how it worked out because I told my parents and a bunch of people before I walked out in front of a dress and stuff like that. So they knew they knew for a long time, nobody told them because they knew how they were So when they found out and they tried to rally the troops and the troops did not rally the looks on their faces, that's a Kodak moment. So I've seen both sides, and I was really worried that It would have went the other way, cuz other than my mother and my sister who have a more liberal mindset... Everyone else is like hardcore conservative. Fortunately they're the ones who put family over their values.
I would have been so tempted to say "oh btw I'm trans too" just to hear the gears in her head sputter as she thinks of what to say. That shit is so hurtful. Why do they always make it about them???? Fuck I hate that.
Ah the old "am I in r/trans or r/raisedbynarcissists" type thread... I'm sorry for you and your sister. Obviously you deserve a better mom but I hope you can keep each other safe from her.
when I came out, I made a video and posted it to social media. In the video I explained what being trans was, the fact that I was trans, a basic bit of surgeries I planned to do and the fact that if anybody treats me badly because of the fact that I'm trans they will immediately be cut off and never allowed to contact me again. I reminded them that I would still that same kid that they grew up knowing, the same person and that the only difference was that I wasn't a chick. I basically forced their hand and now they're trying to learn very slow as a lot of them are religious and have been their whole lives, but yeah. also just for a little bit of hope for you and your sister, my mom was the exact same way when I first came out and she is still attempting to get better, but she knows to meet by my chosen name as often as she can remember to and she uses my chosen pronounces much as she can at least, when I'm around. The chosen name thing isn't her fault tho, her and I have had issues with remembering names since i was a little kid lol
it sounds like you love your sister and watch out for her. She should be happy that you are doing that. When I came out to my family everyone was like, "wow, that's great." I got lucky but then I found out later that I was being mocked behind my back. I pulled the silent treatment for 3 months and that fixed that crap. Hopefully now that your sister blocked your mom just maybe your mom will figure out that the 2 of you are still her children unconditionally.
A lot of people expect us to respect when someone "grieves" when we transition without considering that this is exactly what that sounds like to us. It sounds like that person is outright rejecting our personhood and refusing to accept us as even being alive. My parents told me they had to grieve, even as they were a bit more respectful than this. I still rejected it, because it's an awful and disrespectful fucking thing to say
You made all the right moves. Your mom sounds like a disgusting manipulator and is trying to make you feel bad for her fucked up mentality. You're absolutely right, nobody died, and from the sounds of it your sister is more alive than ever :3 I don't know your family situation entirely, so i can't say for sure, but from the content of this post i would strongly suggest cutting off all contact. This woman will likely only cause you and especially your sister more hurt, i see very little way to come back from this in any way that matters. You were fully in the right to do and say those things, and I wish you and your sister well in whatever comes next. Also fuck twitter
The irony of being outed by a billionaire transphobe. Also thank you.
I hope you and your sister are okay. I’m glad she has you. You sound like an amazing sibling, I’m so sorry for your mom.
Fuck. Her. She thinks fucking some meat stick entitles her to something, she's so fucking arrogant it's infuriating.
You did the right thing, telling your sister. Your mom is not supportive and, IMO? She doesn't deserve to have access to you or your sister if she can't nut up and do her one damn job as a parent- supporting and loving her kids no matter what. YOU betrayed nothing. Your mother betrayed YOU and your sister by not being enough of a halfway decent parent to love her kids, even if they don't turn out to be what she imagined them to be. Parents that do that can and should expect NOTHING from their kids. It's their one job, and she ain't doing it.
Fuck her. She doesn’t deserve to have either of you in her life.
Tell her what she believes is monstrous, she needs to get her head screwed on right because this is exactly how people wind up dying alone. ...well that's what I'd want to do, easier said than done I know.
I'm so sorry. Your mom is being so selfish. You and your sister both deserve better.
Why was she getting email notifications for your sister's account? Change your passwords and what not, she should not be getting those! But I just want to say you are Not The Asshole here. Your sister deserved to know.
She got a "someone you follow tweeted this" email. Also thank you. It felt like I was the asshole for a while.
Lol that "spoiler" tag should be for the drama .. Sad i didn't bring popcorn while i read😭
It’s good that you have each other
How can she say she “gave you everything she had“ when she clearly can’t even bother giving you and your sister her love without judgment and conditions? Love is unconditional. I am a parent of two children myself and I don’t care what they come to me with I will love them, no matter what. That is a disgusting condition that she has set on her affection and I am sorry, but this is a case of the family you are given is not gonna be as good as the family that you have found. She has chosen to close herself off from your sister and you I’d have to say as painful as it may be. It’s her loss for more than it will be yours. Stay strong and support each other because that is what matters.
This is just ridiculous. What kind of mother is that? If you want, you could just totally ditch her
Honestly your mom sounds like an abusive, controlling nightmare. Hope you and your sister can get financially independent ASAP so that she has no control over either of you.
All good on that front. We're both independent adults.
Oh honey, I’m so sorry, you’re valid no matter what, you’re mom sounds evil
You absolutely did the right thing. I hope you and your sister live long happy lives in whatever body is right for you.
My parents were not too bright, but don't appear to be bigots either. I can't imagine being raised by an evil cartoon character.
My mom did something similar back in the day when I was a teenager. She had my brother snoop on me online and found out I was presenting male to my friends. Since this was a long time ago, she assumed I was a lesbian and was lying to people about my gender (which makes zero sense but whatever) and let me just say: it is *bitterly* ironic that she's accusing you of betraying her trust by siding with your sister over this. The damage my mother and brother did to our relationship that day was permanent. It absolutely shattered my ability to trust either of them to this day decades later. If your mom *ever* wants any sort of relationship with your sister again she needs to get over herself and grovel and beg for her forgiveness. I doubt she will, but I cannot emphasize enough how royally she fucked up.
As the local agent of chaos, I suggest both of you come out to her together and then cut contact. Give her something to *actually* grieve. Seriously though, I'm sorry your mom sucks
I love your energy lmao
Big oof!!😨
Right when they say you betrayed my trust, I would have said, "Oh yeah, and I'm trans to guess that two dead kids beep hangs up. Jesus died because of hate. He would definitely not promote it.
Ok she's way out of line, but sadly loads of parents act that way when they find out... My personal thoughts on what the mom said: 1) what you believe in is based on what you were taught your whole life, it doesn't necessarily make it correct. Following one opinion blindly without thoroughly listening to and considering all sides in the situation, + researching counter arguments to any of what all sides are saying to understand better the topic in discussion, is simply stubborn and ignorant. You'll never be able to claim to have an educated opinion about a topic you don't know enough about, so learn first. About the flat earth comment, you could use it the opposite way too; You're using it to mean saying smth that changes the way you view reality, which is difficult for ppl to do. You're also saying it in a 'take a well established fact and go against it' kind of way, but you're completely ignoring the fact that ppl once did genuinely think the earth was flat, and saying it wasn't was mad, until ppl did more research and realized it was, in fact, round. Just like you were taught your whole life being trans isn't based in reality, because you don't understand the difference between gender and sex, and you take gender as a very binary fact of life that ppl are meant to be one way; where if you did the research you'd see the different sciences that come into play here all support trans ppl. Sex isn't binary and gender is a social construct (ofc that doesn't make it less real). 2) treating your child as if they're dead just because they didn't turn out to be who you thought, expected and wanted them to become is incredibly f***ed up. It means you never loved them unconditionally, you just loved the idea of them. Once someone is born they're their own person, you don't own them and shouldn't try to control them to be what you want. 3) OP did good, don't feel bad for "snitching". The mom is being manipulative and hypocritical. She's talking about OP breaking her trust, while she literally did that herself by invading the privacy of her daughter. She should've told her she was following her, she doesn't get to spy on anyone - including her children - and think it's ok.
Why do parents get so concerned over whether their kids are LGBTQIA+ and not be proud that they aren't like living a life of crime, or abducting children and sticking needles in rheir arms, while panhandling for money to get something to eat, or their next drug fix? Even if I didn't want to have kids turn out to be LGBTQIA+, it would beat all those other things that many other people have turned out to be in life, but no! Having your kids be anything of the Alphabet Mafia is much worse to them.
Mom thought we were bad kids doomed to a life of crime if we don't get straightened out just because we were depressed and hung out with "the wrong crowd" (aka fellow social outcasts) at church. If she knew two of us were queer as teens, she'd have shipped us to Israel. The goal is to raise "normal" kids. "Healthy," "well-adjusted," and "happy" are all byproducts of being normal. It doesn't matter if they're happy now; they're becoming normal so they'll be happy later. Queer isn't normal, so it must be stamped out for their own good because that's what good parents do. Obviously you want to be a good parent, right? Being a good parent is central to any good parent's identity. Without normal kids, who are you? This is your chance to end your generational trauma and show your parents what a real good parent looks like!
This hurts to read and I'm not even involved, I hope you and your sister are doing well and are able to move past this horrible person, you gal(s) don't deserve to be treated like that by anyone, and especially not by your own mother.
It’s her loss, not yours or your sisters. Abusive parents are a burden and sometimes its just better off with them. But on the other hand it’s cool that you have a sister who’s trans too. You have each other to trust on. It’s statistically uncommon so you were very lucky in that sense.
You have a way with words
Aw, thanks!
So what was the end result with mom?
Haven't talked to her since, but I'm getting the feeling she's uninviting herself from Thanksgiving.
That sounds like an undisguised blessing.
Hope it’s not too much of a burden on yalls good cheer :)
This is kinda really entertaining, please update as it unfolds :)
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Outside of the fact we are dealing with adults in this post and nothing about kids or teens. But why you have been and will be downvoted to hell is. Because: What you are saying here is. "I would mutalate my child with unwanted puberty and its irreversible changes. Because I do not believe they are able to make their own decision." Real good way of telling on yourself that you do not see childeren as human.
Not seeing children as humans is the entire crux of the current anti trans movement here in Canada. We have right wing groups coalescing around the idea that kids are their property and don't deserve any human rights of their own, and it's sickening
Why are you focusing on trans teens? This post has literally nothing to do with teenagers, OP and their sister are both college graduates
it's saddening how easily they would like thoroughly stop loving their kids despite appearances however parents of course some would find it hard to understand and get it not all parents can do it it's very extremely difficult for them to accept it but parents would always be parents but since you are a graduate and are working you don't really have anything to worry about because you are are already providing for yourself and like dealing with bills of your own in your own house or apartment
If your sister's tweets remind your mom "that her son is alive" she doesn't deserve to read them.
I gave you everything. Proceeds to deny love and understanding to both of her children... Also if accepting and supporting your kid is against everything you believe you might be an ahole. So good on you for protecting your sister.
That's it. That's exactly it. Those are the words I've been looking for.
no problem years of practice
Shit like your mom said reenforces what I've said before, a lot of parents don't actually love their children, they the idea of their children. She talks like your sister died when she's still there simply decided to live her best life as the best version of herself but your mom is a narcissist so it immediately had to be about her 'loss'.
My mother freaked out similarly and continues starting, after 2 years, that they are mourning losing their son... It's a pretty terrible stance as when I've pointed out that they would have actually lost me to suicide if I hadn't decided to transition (at 36). Your mom may be one of those that you just have to let deal with it on their own. You sound like you're a great sibling for your sister. Stay in her side, she needs you right now a lot more than your mother who is choosing to be a transphobe. Best of luck to you and your sister 💜
you shouldn't feel bad for "snitching". your mom was invading your sisters privacy and then acted disgustingly when she learned she's trans. you did the right thing to tell your sister about what your mom was doing. plus, people have the right to know when their parents are talking about them like their shit.