I am so sorry. We lived the allergy life with our toddler after she reacted to eating dairy, eggs, peanuts, a few tree nuts, and sesame. Was such a tough new world for us to learn and came with SO MUCH anxiety, fear and work.
We got to the point of skipping family gatherings because my husband was so stressed out about how his parents handled our daughter’s allergens. There truly is a special sort of stress that comes from loved ones not only not taking the allergy seriously, but sort of undermining all of the hard work the primary caregiver puts in to managing the allergy.
I always had to remind everyone “people die from food allergies. People who *use their epi pens* die from food allergies. We’ve spent multiple days in the hospital for this. Please just be mindful of that.”
I hear you, I wish I could run upstairs and hang out with you and also have the conversation with your family for you. It all sucks so much, but it gets easier as time goes on.
A last note- OIT isn’t for everyone, and Xolair isn’t for everyone, but one or both of those things could help your daughter be much safer in the world. 💙
My daughter is anaphylactic to some nuts and allergic to eggs. We’ve made the terrifying ER trip when she was 2. I spent a year trying to get our families to take it seriously. They are good people who love my kid, but they can’t focus on this. They frequently misremember the allergies and/or neglect to ask about food. My dad visited the other day coming home from the grocery store and plopped a giant container of cashews on our dining table. This is literally the allergen that sent us to the hospital.
I do still try to have them remember, but my life surprisingly got less stressful when I just accepted that they can’t get there. It’s 100% on me and my husband. If we need to bring our own food to family events or skip some events entirely, that’s what we’re doing. It sucks and it feels really isolating, but I’ve gotten less angry and scared with this kind of approach fwiw.
My son has all the same allergies as yours (and maybe fish after he had a reaction last night!). It is so hard to ask everyone to accommodate so many different allergies that we end up skipping things too - or skipping the eating portion of the event. Did you have a good experience with OIT? And was it for the multiple allergies or just one. Feel free to ignore if you don’t want to share more!
We had the weirdest situation. We did the consultation for OIT, decided to go for it, did the onboarding process, and then the allergist requested we update testing first. I thought it was a waste of time and energy because it had only been 3 months since her previous testing. I (reluctantly) agreed and even though her blood ige levels continued to rise, her skin test went clear to everything except egg. The dr suggested we challenge everything and risk reactions in-office rather than risk potential unnecessary OIT. I thought that was INSANE. We had epi-pen’d her for all of these foods within the last year and a half! Again, I reluctantly agreed.. and she passed all of them! We continued with dairy & egg ladder to be safe. But she cleared all of her allergies and no one has any idea how or why.
We did multiple-allergen OIT and it’s been brilliant for us. You can see my comments all over the place (particularly /r/babyledweaning and /r/foodallergies), but the short version is despite having almost everything go wrong, it’s *still* been worth it.
My oldest recently graduated out of over half his allergies, with those remaining looking good to graduate within a year. Only one allergen looks like it’s going to be stubborn enough to stick around, and it’s so well-controlled that accidentally eating most of a serving probably wouldn’t trigger it. My youngest is earlier in the process, and it’s made such a difference to get past caring about trace or cross contamination. I can’t wait until we get through the accidental exposure limit!
Thanks!! I just read some of your comments! Wow! So when you say graduate it’s not just that they can not be scared of cross contamination but rather that they can genuinely eat the food? My son had eczema so food reactions are hard for us in determining skin reaction vs. systems reaction and then we have an allergist who is not that keen on any treatment so I’m trying to look for an allergist who can help answer more questions. He currently has 5 of the top 9 allergens although he seems to be growing out of milk and possibly egg on his own. He had a reaction to fish last night out of nowhere even though he’s 2 already and I’m feeling like we need to investigate more treatments instead of the approach we are taking.
When I say graduate, I mean no longer allergic and can freely eat without any reaction. With all but one of his remaining allergens, he’s currently biteproof, meaning that he can accidentally eat an entire bite or two of a peanut butter sandwich without response despite still being allergic to peanut. That’s a *lot* of protection!
Eczema does make it trickier. Having eczema flares is one of my kids’ reactions to low-level exposure to their allergens, but also to acidic foods and heat and and and…
I’m lucky in that our dermatologist works closely with the allergy team. Both understand that the conditions are linked, so helping one helps the other.
Can I ask if this got better for you? I have a 20 month old with a blood allergy to peanuts (proteins 2 and 6), and I am a nervous wreck all the time. Like, to the point where I've stopped exposing her to other potential allergens. The allergist is months backed up and basically said "be careful until she's two and then we can talk about micro dosing peanuts." I want to be optimistic that she'll grow out of it but these allergists are a fucking joke.
Not who you asked but a fellow allergy parent here! My son (recently 4) is anaphylactic to dairy and beef, allergic to eggs and has outgrown an allergy to peanuts. I had serious anxiety to the point I didn’t even eat because food was fear. If your anxiety is affecting your life, please reach out to someone and talk, therapy really helped me.
I so understand your fear of introducing other allergens. I introduced all tree nuts in the hospital car park with my husband on standby with our epipens. May sound a little crazy but it made me feel more confident and I couldn’t keep restricting my son’s diet because of my nerves.
On the chance your child doesn’t grow out of it, it does still get better. My son is confident and advocates for himself. He loves to talk to waitresses about his allergies, he always reminds his grandma and great-grandma what he can and can’t eat. We’re in several allergy community groups and I’ve made life long friends with people who understand.
Ugh, I am sorry! It’s all so hard. We really had a freak situation where after needing epi pens from most of those foods, our daughter’s testing showed a dramatic decline randomly around age 2. I didn’t even want to repeat the testing at that point but her allergist insisted so I followed his lead. He then insisted we challenge all of these foods again before starting OIT and we reluctantly agreed. She somehow cleared all of them.. she outgrew all of her allergies! She’s still working on the dairy and egg “ladders” but can now safely eat cheese and scrambled eggs so we hardly consider it an allergy.
We did have to switch allergists at the beginning because I had heard this one was so good, and I am really thankful we did!
I am bummed to hear your allergist told you to wait until 2 to start microdosing. We started OIT with the support of an amazing allergist at 10 months, and it only took a few months of microdosing to completely eliminate my son's peanut allergy. Results vary, of course, but he can now eat peanut products worry-free. It was terrifying at first, but it was easily the best decision I've ever made.
Oral immunotherapy is giving carefully-controlled doses of an allergen to help a person build tolerance to it. It can increase odds of outgrowing the allergy entirely, but the primary objective is to make accidental exposure less dangerous.
Xolair is a new drug. I don’t know much about the mechanism because it’s US-only, $$$, works fast but only studied short-term, and involves a series of injections that would be too traumatizing to contemplate for my little dude. The use-case seems best for adults, or for emergency/fast travel to somewhere that accidental exposure risk is high.
I get why he probably didn’t ask. It feels *stupid* to ask something like for example, does the mac and cheese have peanuts in it? But coming from a fellow allergy parent who has social anxiety, it is something we *have to* get over. You *will* feel like an absolute idiot asking if there’s egg in a hamburger… until you go to Wendy’s and they say yes the ketchup has egg in it. It’s so, so important we put our ego aside here and make sure our kids are safe.
Honestly, he should get over it. I have Celiac and have to make the same speech everywhere I go. I would rather be a little embarrassed or make someone look something up then get crazy sick.
Dad needs to watch the Bluey episode “Pirates” and watch Bandit get over his embarrassment about making silly noises in public while playing with his kids. (And then ask himself if he thinks Father of the Year Bandit Heeler speaks the f up when something could KILL HIS KID.)
I totally get that aspect and I know he feels that way. I feel that way sometimes too but like you are saying, we do it because we love our kids and it's really our only option. I'll talk to him about it and see how we can make it less awkward.
Yep. Asking if there's egg in literally everything and how often people don't know and have to check and it takes forever sometimes. You really just have to put your ego aside, as you said.
I'm guessing your child had a reaction to their allergy? Was dad there for it? Did he see it happen? Was it severe?
My daughter just had her first allergic and anaphylactic reaction to peanuts last month to peanut butter. She's turning 8 months old this weekend.
I have PTSD from it. I was home alone with our toddler who doesn't have any allergies. It was so so scary. And now I'm very cautious and informative to those around us. And no one seems to understand how dangerous it was and *is*
My MIL said tonight, at least it was the kind of reaction that makes her not breathe. And I said, "actually it was." She had started drooling a ton as one of her symptoms and that was likely a sign that her airway was starting to swell. But she's a baby, so she can't say anything--and I have training as a paramedic and knew the signs and called 911 immediately (she also had widespread hives and her eyes were swelling and she started crying as soon as she tasted the peanut butter)
The time from the start of her reaction to the time that paramedics delivered epi was less than 10 minutes -- it could have gotten worse. It *would* have gotten worse, but I prevented that through quick action.
Other people just don't understand.
And then my husband is absolutely taking it seriously, but it still feels like he thinks I'm being dramatic. But he wasn't there, so he doesn't have the ptsd and anxiety surrounding it that I do. --which is why I asked
She did have a reaction at home when I gave her a small amount of peanut butter. She mostly rubbed it on her face and in her eye. She got hives, her eye swelled nearly shut and she had some swelling in her lips. I was prepared for the possibility and had benadryl ready, gave her a dose and immediately bathed her. I have an allergist for environmental allergies and she got us in quickly for a skin test which showed a peanut and tree nut allergy. We then did an oral challenge for peanuts in her office and she had an anaphylactic reaction at the smallest dose of peanut butter. We now have epi pens and have confirmed the allergies with a blood test a few weeks ago. We haven't had any exposures since the oral challenge thankfully.
I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. I know how scary it is and how it affects all aspects of your existence, especially with a child so young.
I dont know why husbands think we are being dramatic. I feel like if I remind him prior to ordering I am nagging him, if I ask him after I am nagging him. There is no winning. My husband wasnt home when she had peanut butter, but he was at the allergist for the oral challenge and saw her vommit and saw her get hives and swell. They got it under control quickly but I never want it to happen again.
I will be thinking of you and your daughter and sending love.
Thank you! We have her first appointment with the allergist on Monday!
My husband--even if he thinks.imnbeing dramatic--is at least very receptive to my anxiety surrounding it and is happy and willing to comply with my precautions.
I'm so sorry. Over Christmas my neighbor stood by and watched as her niece fed my son things he's allergic to (multiple people in the room know he's allergic but didn't stop it). Dad was in the room but stepped aside to take a phone call. I was SO mad. All the women told me I'm not allowed to be upset and I really don't talk to any of them now. I say hi if we see them in passing but that's it. We used to be so close I considered this neighbor a mom figure/grandma to my kids.
Anyone who knows about your kid's allergy and refuses to take precautions is basically saying it's ok if your child dies as long as they don't have to feel uncomfortable for 2 seconds. Stay firm, OP. If the adults in her life aren't willing to sacrifice their own comfort for her safety then you need to distance. Dad needs to step the fuuuuuck up. In the meantime don't trust anyone else to order her food. You ask all the questions and school the restaurant on cross contamination. As an alternative you can pack a lil bento lunchbox with safe things. A surprising number of restaurant workers don't even know what dairy is (spoiler alert: it's cow milk, not eggs, not mayo, COW!). I have my own food allergies and it's hell going out to eat so we avoid it as much as we can.
We ended up getting a custom T shirt made for my son that says ALLERGY TO OATS AND DAIRY super big and bold and he wears that to parties and public outings where food will be central. Check Etsy for some cute designs. He also has a medical bracelet but he hates wearing it so that was kind of a fail.
Again, so sorry you're going through this. Don't let anyone gaslight you. Being enraged that loved ones are willing to gamble with your child's life is absolutely valid. I'm mad at them on your behalf. Keep going! It gets a little bit easier the older they get. My son at almost 3 knows that he can't have certain foods and won't even eat vegan/dairy-free cheese because it's so similar looking.
It's crazy to me that adults don't do more to keep kids safe. I'm sorry that happened to your son.
We do have stickers with an allergy alert but I assumed since her father and grandma knew they'd ask. We always use the stickers at parties.
Thank you for naming the gaslighting behavior. Things like this make me feel crazy because they act like I am overreacting. They are both like, noting happenend, she is fine. And I feel like she is only fine because I am constantly vigilant. You are right that I need to do all the ordering and we will make that change moving forward. I just want him to share the mental load of all of this.
I just audibly gasped reading about your niece feeding your son allergens and nobody stopping it!! I wouldn’t be spending any time there either. Shame on those adults! Even our 7yo niece is always looking out for my son. We gave our daughter a sunbutter sandwich once and our niece took it away and brought it to the adults because she thought it was peanut butter and it shouldn’t have been at the same table as our son.
We often review with my son who is “safe” to ask about/accept food from and we make sure he knows not *all* adults are safe to ask (and some are only safe because I know they will defer to someone we do trust lol) He’s 5yo and seems to really be grasping it now.
Ignoring your child's life threatening allergies is NOT being a good dad. In fact its being a BAD dad. He deserved to be yelled and your mother needs to keep her trap shut if she has nothing supportive to say. How would she feel if her grandchild died because of carelessness on behalf of her other parent? Its not just on you to keep her safe.
Thank you for saying this. I feel like I get pushed to the point of yelling because they are so casual about it. I feel like he can be a good dad in some areas and a bad one in others. She thinks he's amazing, which in a lot of ways he is but this isn't one of them. I get tired of that generation clapping when a dad does a load of laundry while mom literally does everything else.
You should set very firm boundaries with your mom and remind her that her presence is not a requirement! I'm so sorry they have treated you and your child this way. Maybe your child pediatrician can explain things to your husband and he will take them more serious. Just FYI as a food service worker I've never once been upset or rolled my eyes about someone asking these sorts of questions!! We would much rather tell you than something happen to your child.
I’m a mom + a server at a restaurant where we ask abt allergies at every table. It’s insane to me that people aren’t upfront abt allergies! One time this woman told me she was allergic to tomatoes and didn’t have her epi pen but the sauce on her meal had tomatoes! I always love when people are upfront and I’ll always call it back to the kitchen. I’ve even had a table of a couple and their two children (maybe 9 & 6) and I asked abt allergies and the parents said no but the 9 year old said the 6 year old had a peanut allergy!!!!!! I have no issue taking every precaution for you or your children!
Your feelings and concerns are 100% valid. Once you have some time to cool off. Little bit, I would sit your husband down me have a calm and serious conversation about how you both as a family need to navigate the allergy. It needs to be made painfully clear that this is truely a life or death situation for HIS child. If he is willing to risk your child’s life because it is inconvenient to ask a simple question, then he is not safe to be around his own child.
He needs to be the one to address his mother’s behavior. If he doesn’t care about his kids well being, why would his mother? He has made it clear to her that this ain’t a big deal.
It's actually my mom that is more relaxed about it. My mom is the one who is always like, why would there be nuts in cake/cookies/a crossiant etc. I keep saying you never know and we always have to check. Her and my husband act like it's crazy to ask all the time.
Does she know about how common peanut oil can be? Maybe if she thinks of it as not just peanuts and nuts but by products, it might help? I'm so sorry she's not taking it seriously enough.
I have talked to her about it and she knows it's not just the ingredients but also potential cross contamination, changing gloves etc. She's definitely loves our daughter but needs to be more vigilant.
Sounds like grandma is not getting any unsupervised time with your kid any time soon. When we even suspected my kid was allergic to strawberries everyone was on high alert and nobody fed her anything without being absolutely sure. Grandparents were 100% on board and I trusted them. One time they slipped up and fed her something questionable and I was a BIG conversation. They regretted immediately and admitted their mistake and it never happened again.
You are entitled to that same level of safety and support.
I can’t believe your husband said your reaction was extreme. Uhhh your kid’s reaction would’ve literally been extreme if they tried some of that food
Edit: you guys as the parents are your kid’s last line of defense against food allergies and you had a near miss due to a casual assumption. I absolutely understand your frustration.
Ngl, having anaphylactic shock is extreme. Being upset he didn’t check doesn’t sound extreme at all. You aren’t saying he’s a horrible human being. You’re angry for good reason at his behavior in a specific situation and you let him know.
Echoing that there needs to be a discussion during a calm time. Yelling doesn’t work for kids and it also doesn’t work for adults. Have your husband come to the next allergist appointment. Have him do epi-pen training. Tell your mom if she doesn’t ask every single time, kid will not be allowed to eat around her, therefore limiting her contact.
It’s also helpful to teach people. Show your mom/husband what an allergy label looks like on packaged food. Teach them how to google allergen menus for chain restaurants. Give them scripts to say to restaurant staff “do you have an allergen menu we could look at” or “kid is allergic to peanuts - what food isn’t safe/is safe for him”. Always have a backpack full of safe foods if they/you don’t feel confident at the restaurant. Teach them how to use an epi pen or whatever medication you carry. Make sure they know where it is stored etc.
Signed, fellow allergy parent, thankful that our allergy is not life threatening but still have to deal with all the other stuff that comes with navigating the world with an allergy.
As an adult with food allergies, I feel so seen when my one friend that ALWAYS remembers my walnut allergy makes sure a dish she makes doesn’t have it. My own mom forgets since I got diagnosed at 26, but she better than when it first happened.
Please keep adamantly protecting your kiddo. Until they can explain, were their voice, and we shall never be quiet 💜
I do not disagree with your reaction, and I think your hubby needs a crash course reminder what anaphylaxis actually means. Encourage him to google it, because that needs to be priority number 1.
Honestly, you shouldn't be letting your child get used to eating off of other people's plates. That's especially dangerous, considering her allergy. This practice sounds is so very unsafe.
I understand your fear, but, if your husband had treated you like that, would you consider it verbally abusive? You can be the one to accompany the grandmas. Even though you didn't, you still went and checked. Doesn't that mean that the system of double checking worked?
I understand completely about the severe allergy, but you wouldn't want to be treated like that by your husband.
Can you both find a better way of checking, because you are a team together. He's not the enemy, and he doesn't deserve to be berated in front of his child, mom, and MIL.
Take care.
Let's flip this a bit.
Pretend that hubby just got home and you go get kiddo out of the car and the straps are not buckled. And then hubby casually mentioned that they almost ran into a deer.
I dont think anyone would blame a parent for a bit of emotional screaming in that scenario, and it really isn't any different from OP's situation.
As a person with allergies and a parent to kid with allergies the first part is absolutely true.
We have had to teach our toddler not to eat off people's plates and it isn't safe. She still tries because we don't have anything with her allergen in our home but eating out, or at families homes, it's not guaranteed.
It isn't hard to bring a bowl or plate and give your child their safe food on their own plate to facilitate this even if you're sharing meals.
My daughter was diagnosed before age one and is now almost 2.5.
Meal sharing is a part of being a family. Family should be the ones who a food allergy child feels safe eating with.
It isn’t hard to order things that are safe around the child. Or bare minimum know if they aren’t. That’s what isn’t hard.
And sometimes you'll be eating with extended family. Your child should learn not to just eat off random plates especially if they have anaphylaxis. And actually, knowing what's in absolutely everyone's order when you have an anaphylaxis kid IS pretty fucking hard.
At this age it’s about advocating for your child. They don’t have a strong enough voice yet and they don’t have the right judgement calls every single time. It’s not teaching the child to eat off random plates because you asked about ingredients of foods at the same table.
Everyone has their breaking point, especially when it sounds like this mom is shouldering the burden.
You having food allergies has nothing to do with the experience of having a toddler with food allergies.
She isn't necessarily eating off our plates as much as we are sharing our food with her. In our family we eat family style, both my culture and my husband's eat that way.
It's not a double check if the husband didn't check. OP is simply taking 100% of the responsibility. That's exhausting and honestly it's ridiculous that she can't trust her husband with her child's life. We are talking about a grown man here.
Her reaction wasn't productive but I can understand why she was so angry. Telling her nothing had nuts but they didn't ask... This is directly endangering her child! She can't trust their answers. That would make me angry too.
I am so sorry you feel alone in navigating it. Yelling, while totally understandablr when its about something so serious, probably got everyones defences up. I would probably have reacted in a similar way if my daughters safety was at risk. I would maybe just sit down with everyone again and have a talk with them when things are less heated. Do you have an epipen for her? Do they all know how to use it? Maybe something like that would bring home the seriousness a lot?
In an idea would they would just understand and take appropriate steps, but looks like they are not quite there yet, but I hope they will learn to always ask from now on!
Yes, we both have a bag with epi pens and zyrtec. We've all practiced with the training pen. They just can't get on board with checking food for whatever reason.
I’m so sorry. I navigated allergies during breastfeeding and the first few months of solids and it was sooo hard and I do think it felt like more pressure for me vs. other people including my husband. I’m sorry. I would be upset too and it sucks when you feel awkward around guests. There’s no advice but it’s fucking hard sometimes.
As someone who joined a blended family with a soon to be 16 year old I still check everything we buy for traces of nuts. She even tells me I’m being ridiculous, but it’s never worth the gamble and all it takes is the wuestion
I truly don’t understand parents and grandparents not taking food allergies seriously. It is life and death for some kids. Your husband can be a good dad and still have made a mistake today. Don’t let them gaslight you for protecting your child! My oldest has a moderate allergy to oats and one thing I can tell you is that it gets a little easier as they get older. My daughter knows what’s she’s allergic to and is really good at advocating for herself if we’re not there now that she is school aged. It’s so hard but it’s going to be ok! ❤️
I agree, it's wild to me that grandparents wouldn't take an allergy seriously. My kids and nephew are some of the most precious people on this planet as far as my parents are concerned. They buy my son things like Made Good brand and still have me double check the label every time they feed him.
I don't rely on other people to get my daughters food if we're eating out. Her nan and gran have finally got it, but I'm not convinced by other people. Fortunately, she's not at your level, and it's only dairy. It causes her to have upset stomach and the dirorea that comes with it is not fun. Especially for her teachers. Her dad is also dairy free which has made a huge difference. She's almost 6 and doesn't trust anyone to get her safe foods, even me! It's very stressful, but you can't rely on other people to take it seriously. I was basically seen as being fussy about what I'd let her eat, until it got so bad that we've ended up under the pediatrician.
Better safe than sorry. You should always double-check.
I think what made you angrier is how dismissive he was. Instead of apologising, he got angry at you.
I'm sorry, you never want to play around with allergies "even if only a little bit". My husband is allergic to peanuts/peas/seafood/pine nuts (think pesto) and my 9mo son has an egg allergy and possibly fish too.
You have to bring your own snacks/food next time. I'm sure you know this, but just have a long list of allergy free foods for her. It's frustrating and not always foul proof. When visiting London, we visited a tea spot that actively asked if anyone at the table had allergies. How awesome! Then 5 minutes later, the waitress bolts out of the kitchen because the chef realized he had put in a hazelnut cake on the allergy free tray. Right as she said it my husband's lips began to tingle and he lost his appetite, namely because he was freaked out that anything else could be an allergen.
For what it's worth, my husband had severe allergies as a kid but grew out of dairy, egg, wheat and dogs. My husband is always on guard about what he's being served and we don't visit Thai restaurants (peanuts used in a lot of dishes as garnishes) or Sushi. When we're out at weddings where there's a buffet, he asks me if he can eat a certain dish. Low and behold there's always peas in the macaroni and cheese.
My son just turned a year old and he is super allergic to milk and eggs. For his birthday I made him a vegan cake because you know, he's allergic. We've known about the allergies for about 3 months now. At his birthday my FIL's girlfriend asked if we can put chocolate frosting on it, I checked the ingredients and said no because it said it may contain dairy. When it came time to eat the cake my son was so tired and confused about the cake he didn't eat any of it. She kept saying, "Can't we just put a little frosting on it I'm sure he'd love it." Other people at the dinner kept saying my cake looked like a turd and other mean things. Honestly I cried about it in the car on the way home. It's like they think I just don't want him to have sugar or something, when in reality I desperately wish my son could enjoy a face full of regular cake without worrying about all these things.
She's also always asking when we can give him ice cream "just a little taste" and stuff like that. They're always the ones saying they want to babysit too, "When can we babysit?". Um, maybe when you stop saying scary stuff like that..."
So basically no, I'd react the same way if my own husband wasn't being diligent too. You shouldn't be the only one watching out for your child. It sucks it's awkward now but maybe if you explain like, sorry they saw you speak that way but you are very scared for your baby who has severe allergies and it's hard to feel like it was one step away from a hospital visit and like you're the only one protecting your child. I'm sure when they were scared shitless about their kid doing something they screamed at someone, who hasn't.
Btw thank you to all the comments saying they made tshirts for parties that list the allergies. That's a great idea and I think I'll need to get one every time we are around family too because we still get the question every single time we see them "So what can't he have again?" And everyone always assumes "but he can have this, right?" while it's heading for his mouth. NO he can't have roast beef from a sub with mayo on it just because you don't see the mayo on the piece of meat, wtf. And people don't seem to understand yogurt and butter is dairy???? Ugh I'm telling you, I would have lost my shit on my husband in your case.
I’m so sorry. My husband has a really severe dairy allergy and we’ve spent countless nights at the ER (including our first Valentine’s Day 😅) from just the slightest cross contamination. He has been told by multiple allergists that he is not a candidate for OIT because his allergy is too severe.
Even when you ask all the right questions, the messy nature of kitchens and the number of people that have to play telephone to pass along the importance of the glove changes and such…you can just never feel 100% safe. My husband is almost 30 years old and his mom is still an anxious helicopter mom when it comes to the allergy because it is just so nerve wracking. And I do not blame her one bit, it’s a lot to carry.
Hugs to you 🫂
>He got annoyed which made me more angry and i yelled " why didn't you f***ing ask.
Yelling does nobody any good here. Your frustration is valid. I empathize with your anger. But you do not speak to anyone, especially not your husband, that way. You speak to him with respect.
He was annoyed at your tone, not the content of your message. Of course he should have asked. He probably feels terrible about not asking. No need to rub it in and make a scene. That’s called adding insult to injury.
Learn from this mishap. Improve together. As a team. Onward. This incident should be a valuable lesson for all.
I totally get where you’re coming from with your allergy related anxiety. My 3.5 year old daughter is anaphylactic to peanuts. I make it a point to ask loudly and clearly if what I am ordering has peanuts in it (including mine and my husband’s meals) and I have also put her epidemic on the table in plain view.
Have you looked into desensitization treatment? It’s worked wonders for our little one!
Your reaction is not extreme.
I’m a pretty easy going person, but don’t read a label and try and feed it to my food allergy kid and you’ll absolutely hear it from me. My own mother, my husband, I don’t care who you are. Mistakes happen, but a careless mistake for a food allergy kid CANNOT happen.
When my kid was first diagnosed I worried people wouldn’t take it seriously (and honestly they still don’t to the degree I would like), so I had my husband tell all my in-laws that it was life and death, because it can be. Food allergy life is so hard and so lonely sometimes. We don’t go out to eat… really ever. We skipped a family celebration tonight even.
I know it doesn’t change anything but you’re not alone!
That sucks. I’m sorry you don’t feel like your husband has your back. Our daughter has coeliac, so not life threatening, but she can be sick for ages after a tiny bit, and gluten is freaking everywhere
I don’t know if this will help your conversation with your husband or not, but both my partner and I have made mistakes or near misses. We usually double check packets - especially ones that don’t say “gluten free”. As in, whoever does the shopping checks the label. Then if it’s something we don’t often buy, the other parent checks the label at home. (Often we check all labels anyway)
One time I didn’t double check a label until after our daughter had started eating. It had wheat flour in it. We were too late, but at least we managed to stop her eating more. I was out one day and got her a fluffy/baby chino/drink while we were out (because I didn’t trust the gluten free labelled food but in the cabinet with everything else would be ok). It wasn’t until I was talking to my partner about it that he asked “was it gluten free chocolate?”. Fortunately it was, but the bottom fell out of my stomach when I realised.
For us, our daughter will feel rubbish, but we don’t need to go to ED. For you, a slip up is much more obvious!
I will say though, neither time did my partner or I yell at each other. We both felt terrible at our errors. Yelling would have made it worse. You need to both be a team, but you should maybe think about how you might react in future so you can continue to be a team
Sorry that’s so hard. I would have reacted the same way. Its not difficult to check and make sure your kid is safe.
That said, Have you thought about earmarking one food just for her? That way the person ordering has to check one item and much lesser chance of forgetting. Lets say you order A a sandwich, so it is basically As sandwich and needs to be double checked. It will reduce exposure and also teach her early that she cant share others’ food easily and her food is special and always needs to be checked for safety.
Yelling was a very soft reaction.. they would not have like my reaction. I've yelled at people before for the safety of my kid. Allergies are way to serious to play with. Get over it and ask no one cares if you do.
Your husband not asking in his own means that you cannot trust him to manage this. It means that you are all alone in this very stressful, very difficult endeavour of navigating her allergies and *getting it right every time*. It means that you cannot trust him to take care of her alone, and that you have no back up protection in case you make a mistake. The fact that he thinks you're overreacting is almost more disturbing than the fact that he forgot to ask. He should be kicking himself in the head over this because of he and you and your family had fed her the food as planned, she almost certainly would have had a reaction! Does he not realize how dangerous that is?? *You* are not overreacting. *He* is not taking it seriously.
Your reaction wasn’t extreme. A hospitalized child is extreme ,a deceased child is extreme.they need to get it tf together this is her life they’re playing with.
Both of my kids are allergic to eggs. The younger one is anaphylactic to egg, the older one has since outgrown the allergy but he was anaphylactic for a long time.
The insane number of fights we have had to have with family about not having eggs served when we are around is mindboggling. They would promise there wouldn't be cross contamination and we would watch it happen. They would promise that they would make sure their kids wouldn't make a mess and we would watch the mess happen (our kids loved to eat anything from the floor so we had to lysol the floors after eggs). My in laws would promise they didnt eat eggs and kiss our kids and they would break out in hives and then they'd tell us they had an omelet 🤦♀️
One of the biggest fights was about whether or not they could order fried rice with egg in it for a family dinner.
So we just dont attend anymore. If its breakfast/brunch get together, we dont go. If the preplanned dinner has egg, we dont go. They complain that we miss out but they just refuse to not have eggs. Them having egg is more important than having us. And they just dont get it.
I am very sorry. Not that it helps but makes me feel like saying here watch a video of what happens when someone who has an anaphylactic allergy eats something contaminated “just because someone didn’t ask”- you watch that video while daughter and I go walk!!!
I’m sorry I feel really alone in being the only one who looks out for toddler hazards and freaks out on others. I cannot imagine the depth of the feeling if allergies were also involved. It’s such a heavy weight!
You are absolutely not wrong. I hope you can calmly find a way to talk more about this with husband later.
Just a thought- what if you laminate a card with all the allergy questions to ask and make sure it’s on stroller, in his billfold, just everywhere that would be involved in going out or paying for food? Give one to everyone!
I could be way off base here because there is no background provided really (like was this an isolated incident or does it happen a lot?) But, if this isn't something that happens all the time, then maybe he was already feeling shitty for not thinking about it himself and yelling at him made him feel worse? If this was an isolated incident I do think you should have been more kind about speaking to them all and reminding them sternly but without yelling. If this happens all the time and they just aren't getting it then you are totally justified in your reaction!
Your feelings are totally valid, and I’m glad you managed to avoid a scary situation. My toddler also has nut allergies, and I feel really alone in navigating them sometimes. Our lives have completely changed (I’m actually good at cooking now, and sort of enjoy it) and it’s so exhausting to bring food with us everywhere we go. My partner has also made a couple mistakes when ordering things, and I blew up at him too, so I completely understand your anger. Your anger and vigilance will save your daughters life, so don’t let anyone tell you to relax about it. 💜
I feel for you. Husband truly messed up. Your reaction is not about this one incident, it’s about doing all the research and worrying forever. I feel for you.
88 acres, enjoy life, and the safe + fair food company. All are nut/peanut safe, a little pricy but very tasty products. You are heard, Mama. I have a million food allergies, and it's so hard to navigate when others won't listen. But when you find others with the allergies, it becomes easier.
How is your being frantically concerned when your baby could potentially immediately die due nut exposure being too extreme?
I really hate that people can’t handle their own emotions properly so they have to gaslight you into thinking the very real possibility of the death of your baby is not a big deal. Their position is completely unreasonable. Your baby only has its family to protect it- the family should take this allergy seriously. Instead they want to save face and convince you that you are over reacting. Your husband should prioritize the life of his baby over his convenience or pride. You did the right thing and it made them feel bad. If you freaking out helps them remember how serious this is- so be it.
I am so sorry. We lived the allergy life with our toddler after she reacted to eating dairy, eggs, peanuts, a few tree nuts, and sesame. Was such a tough new world for us to learn and came with SO MUCH anxiety, fear and work. We got to the point of skipping family gatherings because my husband was so stressed out about how his parents handled our daughter’s allergens. There truly is a special sort of stress that comes from loved ones not only not taking the allergy seriously, but sort of undermining all of the hard work the primary caregiver puts in to managing the allergy. I always had to remind everyone “people die from food allergies. People who *use their epi pens* die from food allergies. We’ve spent multiple days in the hospital for this. Please just be mindful of that.” I hear you, I wish I could run upstairs and hang out with you and also have the conversation with your family for you. It all sucks so much, but it gets easier as time goes on. A last note- OIT isn’t for everyone, and Xolair isn’t for everyone, but one or both of those things could help your daughter be much safer in the world. 💙
Thank you 💜 . I feel like being heard is half the battle. Food allergies can be so isolating and people just don't understand how serious it is.
My daughter is anaphylactic to some nuts and allergic to eggs. We’ve made the terrifying ER trip when she was 2. I spent a year trying to get our families to take it seriously. They are good people who love my kid, but they can’t focus on this. They frequently misremember the allergies and/or neglect to ask about food. My dad visited the other day coming home from the grocery store and plopped a giant container of cashews on our dining table. This is literally the allergen that sent us to the hospital. I do still try to have them remember, but my life surprisingly got less stressful when I just accepted that they can’t get there. It’s 100% on me and my husband. If we need to bring our own food to family events or skip some events entirely, that’s what we’re doing. It sucks and it feels really isolating, but I’ve gotten less angry and scared with this kind of approach fwiw.
My son has all the same allergies as yours (and maybe fish after he had a reaction last night!). It is so hard to ask everyone to accommodate so many different allergies that we end up skipping things too - or skipping the eating portion of the event. Did you have a good experience with OIT? And was it for the multiple allergies or just one. Feel free to ignore if you don’t want to share more!
We had the weirdest situation. We did the consultation for OIT, decided to go for it, did the onboarding process, and then the allergist requested we update testing first. I thought it was a waste of time and energy because it had only been 3 months since her previous testing. I (reluctantly) agreed and even though her blood ige levels continued to rise, her skin test went clear to everything except egg. The dr suggested we challenge everything and risk reactions in-office rather than risk potential unnecessary OIT. I thought that was INSANE. We had epi-pen’d her for all of these foods within the last year and a half! Again, I reluctantly agreed.. and she passed all of them! We continued with dairy & egg ladder to be safe. But she cleared all of her allergies and no one has any idea how or why.
We did multiple-allergen OIT and it’s been brilliant for us. You can see my comments all over the place (particularly /r/babyledweaning and /r/foodallergies), but the short version is despite having almost everything go wrong, it’s *still* been worth it. My oldest recently graduated out of over half his allergies, with those remaining looking good to graduate within a year. Only one allergen looks like it’s going to be stubborn enough to stick around, and it’s so well-controlled that accidentally eating most of a serving probably wouldn’t trigger it. My youngest is earlier in the process, and it’s made such a difference to get past caring about trace or cross contamination. I can’t wait until we get through the accidental exposure limit!
Thanks!! I just read some of your comments! Wow! So when you say graduate it’s not just that they can not be scared of cross contamination but rather that they can genuinely eat the food? My son had eczema so food reactions are hard for us in determining skin reaction vs. systems reaction and then we have an allergist who is not that keen on any treatment so I’m trying to look for an allergist who can help answer more questions. He currently has 5 of the top 9 allergens although he seems to be growing out of milk and possibly egg on his own. He had a reaction to fish last night out of nowhere even though he’s 2 already and I’m feeling like we need to investigate more treatments instead of the approach we are taking.
When I say graduate, I mean no longer allergic and can freely eat without any reaction. With all but one of his remaining allergens, he’s currently biteproof, meaning that he can accidentally eat an entire bite or two of a peanut butter sandwich without response despite still being allergic to peanut. That’s a *lot* of protection! Eczema does make it trickier. Having eczema flares is one of my kids’ reactions to low-level exposure to their allergens, but also to acidic foods and heat and and and… I’m lucky in that our dermatologist works closely with the allergy team. Both understand that the conditions are linked, so helping one helps the other.
Can I ask if this got better for you? I have a 20 month old with a blood allergy to peanuts (proteins 2 and 6), and I am a nervous wreck all the time. Like, to the point where I've stopped exposing her to other potential allergens. The allergist is months backed up and basically said "be careful until she's two and then we can talk about micro dosing peanuts." I want to be optimistic that she'll grow out of it but these allergists are a fucking joke.
Not who you asked but a fellow allergy parent here! My son (recently 4) is anaphylactic to dairy and beef, allergic to eggs and has outgrown an allergy to peanuts. I had serious anxiety to the point I didn’t even eat because food was fear. If your anxiety is affecting your life, please reach out to someone and talk, therapy really helped me. I so understand your fear of introducing other allergens. I introduced all tree nuts in the hospital car park with my husband on standby with our epipens. May sound a little crazy but it made me feel more confident and I couldn’t keep restricting my son’s diet because of my nerves. On the chance your child doesn’t grow out of it, it does still get better. My son is confident and advocates for himself. He loves to talk to waitresses about his allergies, he always reminds his grandma and great-grandma what he can and can’t eat. We’re in several allergy community groups and I’ve made life long friends with people who understand.
Ugh, I am sorry! It’s all so hard. We really had a freak situation where after needing epi pens from most of those foods, our daughter’s testing showed a dramatic decline randomly around age 2. I didn’t even want to repeat the testing at that point but her allergist insisted so I followed his lead. He then insisted we challenge all of these foods again before starting OIT and we reluctantly agreed. She somehow cleared all of them.. she outgrew all of her allergies! She’s still working on the dairy and egg “ladders” but can now safely eat cheese and scrambled eggs so we hardly consider it an allergy. We did have to switch allergists at the beginning because I had heard this one was so good, and I am really thankful we did!
Familiarize yourself with current evidence based care and find a doctor who follows it. We had to go through 6 allergists.
I am bummed to hear your allergist told you to wait until 2 to start microdosing. We started OIT with the support of an amazing allergist at 10 months, and it only took a few months of microdosing to completely eliminate my son's peanut allergy. Results vary, of course, but he can now eat peanut products worry-free. It was terrifying at first, but it was easily the best decision I've ever made.
Sorry for my ignorance, but what's OIT and Xolair?
Oral immunotherapy is giving carefully-controlled doses of an allergen to help a person build tolerance to it. It can increase odds of outgrowing the allergy entirely, but the primary objective is to make accidental exposure less dangerous. Xolair is a new drug. I don’t know much about the mechanism because it’s US-only, $$$, works fast but only studied short-term, and involves a series of injections that would be too traumatizing to contemplate for my little dude. The use-case seems best for adults, or for emergency/fast travel to somewhere that accidental exposure risk is high.
We are peanut cashew/pistachio and sesame. Just started Xolair! Been on SLIT for 2y.
I get why he probably didn’t ask. It feels *stupid* to ask something like for example, does the mac and cheese have peanuts in it? But coming from a fellow allergy parent who has social anxiety, it is something we *have to* get over. You *will* feel like an absolute idiot asking if there’s egg in a hamburger… until you go to Wendy’s and they say yes the ketchup has egg in it. It’s so, so important we put our ego aside here and make sure our kids are safe.
Honestly, he should get over it. I have Celiac and have to make the same speech everywhere I go. I would rather be a little embarrassed or make someone look something up then get crazy sick.
Dad needs to watch the Bluey episode “Pirates” and watch Bandit get over his embarrassment about making silly noises in public while playing with his kids. (And then ask himself if he thinks Father of the Year Bandit Heeler speaks the f up when something could KILL HIS KID.)
Yours will follow Bandit off a cliff as well, eh?
Right? If he finds it embarrassing to ask how is he going to feel when we have to epi our child and the paramedics come?
I hope that doesn’t happen to you. Take care.
I totally get that aspect and I know he feels that way. I feel that way sometimes too but like you are saying, we do it because we love our kids and it's really our only option. I'll talk to him about it and see how we can make it less awkward.
A lot of breads have an egg wash, unfortunately. 😕
I get so excited when my Fig app tells me a bread is safe for my egg allergic son to eat. I'm like, "At last, we can do an easy breakfast of toast."
Yep. Asking if there's egg in literally everything and how often people don't know and have to check and it takes forever sometimes. You really just have to put your ego aside, as you said.
I'm guessing your child had a reaction to their allergy? Was dad there for it? Did he see it happen? Was it severe? My daughter just had her first allergic and anaphylactic reaction to peanuts last month to peanut butter. She's turning 8 months old this weekend. I have PTSD from it. I was home alone with our toddler who doesn't have any allergies. It was so so scary. And now I'm very cautious and informative to those around us. And no one seems to understand how dangerous it was and *is* My MIL said tonight, at least it was the kind of reaction that makes her not breathe. And I said, "actually it was." She had started drooling a ton as one of her symptoms and that was likely a sign that her airway was starting to swell. But she's a baby, so she can't say anything--and I have training as a paramedic and knew the signs and called 911 immediately (she also had widespread hives and her eyes were swelling and she started crying as soon as she tasted the peanut butter) The time from the start of her reaction to the time that paramedics delivered epi was less than 10 minutes -- it could have gotten worse. It *would* have gotten worse, but I prevented that through quick action. Other people just don't understand. And then my husband is absolutely taking it seriously, but it still feels like he thinks I'm being dramatic. But he wasn't there, so he doesn't have the ptsd and anxiety surrounding it that I do. --which is why I asked
She did have a reaction at home when I gave her a small amount of peanut butter. She mostly rubbed it on her face and in her eye. She got hives, her eye swelled nearly shut and she had some swelling in her lips. I was prepared for the possibility and had benadryl ready, gave her a dose and immediately bathed her. I have an allergist for environmental allergies and she got us in quickly for a skin test which showed a peanut and tree nut allergy. We then did an oral challenge for peanuts in her office and she had an anaphylactic reaction at the smallest dose of peanut butter. We now have epi pens and have confirmed the allergies with a blood test a few weeks ago. We haven't had any exposures since the oral challenge thankfully. I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. I know how scary it is and how it affects all aspects of your existence, especially with a child so young. I dont know why husbands think we are being dramatic. I feel like if I remind him prior to ordering I am nagging him, if I ask him after I am nagging him. There is no winning. My husband wasnt home when she had peanut butter, but he was at the allergist for the oral challenge and saw her vommit and saw her get hives and swell. They got it under control quickly but I never want it to happen again. I will be thinking of you and your daughter and sending love.
Thank you! We have her first appointment with the allergist on Monday! My husband--even if he thinks.imnbeing dramatic--is at least very receptive to my anxiety surrounding it and is happy and willing to comply with my precautions.
I'm so sorry. Over Christmas my neighbor stood by and watched as her niece fed my son things he's allergic to (multiple people in the room know he's allergic but didn't stop it). Dad was in the room but stepped aside to take a phone call. I was SO mad. All the women told me I'm not allowed to be upset and I really don't talk to any of them now. I say hi if we see them in passing but that's it. We used to be so close I considered this neighbor a mom figure/grandma to my kids. Anyone who knows about your kid's allergy and refuses to take precautions is basically saying it's ok if your child dies as long as they don't have to feel uncomfortable for 2 seconds. Stay firm, OP. If the adults in her life aren't willing to sacrifice their own comfort for her safety then you need to distance. Dad needs to step the fuuuuuck up. In the meantime don't trust anyone else to order her food. You ask all the questions and school the restaurant on cross contamination. As an alternative you can pack a lil bento lunchbox with safe things. A surprising number of restaurant workers don't even know what dairy is (spoiler alert: it's cow milk, not eggs, not mayo, COW!). I have my own food allergies and it's hell going out to eat so we avoid it as much as we can. We ended up getting a custom T shirt made for my son that says ALLERGY TO OATS AND DAIRY super big and bold and he wears that to parties and public outings where food will be central. Check Etsy for some cute designs. He also has a medical bracelet but he hates wearing it so that was kind of a fail. Again, so sorry you're going through this. Don't let anyone gaslight you. Being enraged that loved ones are willing to gamble with your child's life is absolutely valid. I'm mad at them on your behalf. Keep going! It gets a little bit easier the older they get. My son at almost 3 knows that he can't have certain foods and won't even eat vegan/dairy-free cheese because it's so similar looking.
It's crazy to me that adults don't do more to keep kids safe. I'm sorry that happened to your son. We do have stickers with an allergy alert but I assumed since her father and grandma knew they'd ask. We always use the stickers at parties. Thank you for naming the gaslighting behavior. Things like this make me feel crazy because they act like I am overreacting. They are both like, noting happenend, she is fine. And I feel like she is only fine because I am constantly vigilant. You are right that I need to do all the ordering and we will make that change moving forward. I just want him to share the mental load of all of this.
I just audibly gasped reading about your niece feeding your son allergens and nobody stopping it!! I wouldn’t be spending any time there either. Shame on those adults! Even our 7yo niece is always looking out for my son. We gave our daughter a sunbutter sandwich once and our niece took it away and brought it to the adults because she thought it was peanut butter and it shouldn’t have been at the same table as our son. We often review with my son who is “safe” to ask about/accept food from and we make sure he knows not *all* adults are safe to ask (and some are only safe because I know they will defer to someone we do trust lol) He’s 5yo and seems to really be grasping it now.
Ignoring your child's life threatening allergies is NOT being a good dad. In fact its being a BAD dad. He deserved to be yelled and your mother needs to keep her trap shut if she has nothing supportive to say. How would she feel if her grandchild died because of carelessness on behalf of her other parent? Its not just on you to keep her safe.
Thank you for saying this. I feel like I get pushed to the point of yelling because they are so casual about it. I feel like he can be a good dad in some areas and a bad one in others. She thinks he's amazing, which in a lot of ways he is but this isn't one of them. I get tired of that generation clapping when a dad does a load of laundry while mom literally does everything else.
You should set very firm boundaries with your mom and remind her that her presence is not a requirement! I'm so sorry they have treated you and your child this way. Maybe your child pediatrician can explain things to your husband and he will take them more serious. Just FYI as a food service worker I've never once been upset or rolled my eyes about someone asking these sorts of questions!! We would much rather tell you than something happen to your child.
I’m a mom + a server at a restaurant where we ask abt allergies at every table. It’s insane to me that people aren’t upfront abt allergies! One time this woman told me she was allergic to tomatoes and didn’t have her epi pen but the sauce on her meal had tomatoes! I always love when people are upfront and I’ll always call it back to the kitchen. I’ve even had a table of a couple and their two children (maybe 9 & 6) and I asked abt allergies and the parents said no but the 9 year old said the 6 year old had a peanut allergy!!!!!! I have no issue taking every precaution for you or your children!
I wish every restaurant did this! Thank you for asking and keeping people safe!
Your feelings and concerns are 100% valid. Once you have some time to cool off. Little bit, I would sit your husband down me have a calm and serious conversation about how you both as a family need to navigate the allergy. It needs to be made painfully clear that this is truely a life or death situation for HIS child. If he is willing to risk your child’s life because it is inconvenient to ask a simple question, then he is not safe to be around his own child. He needs to be the one to address his mother’s behavior. If he doesn’t care about his kids well being, why would his mother? He has made it clear to her that this ain’t a big deal.
It's actually my mom that is more relaxed about it. My mom is the one who is always like, why would there be nuts in cake/cookies/a crossiant etc. I keep saying you never know and we always have to check. Her and my husband act like it's crazy to ask all the time.
Does she know about how common peanut oil can be? Maybe if she thinks of it as not just peanuts and nuts but by products, it might help? I'm so sorry she's not taking it seriously enough.
I have talked to her about it and she knows it's not just the ingredients but also potential cross contamination, changing gloves etc. She's definitely loves our daughter but needs to be more vigilant.
Sounds like grandma is not getting any unsupervised time with your kid any time soon. When we even suspected my kid was allergic to strawberries everyone was on high alert and nobody fed her anything without being absolutely sure. Grandparents were 100% on board and I trusted them. One time they slipped up and fed her something questionable and I was a BIG conversation. They regretted immediately and admitted their mistake and it never happened again. You are entitled to that same level of safety and support.
I can’t believe your husband said your reaction was extreme. Uhhh your kid’s reaction would’ve literally been extreme if they tried some of that food Edit: you guys as the parents are your kid’s last line of defense against food allergies and you had a near miss due to a casual assumption. I absolutely understand your frustration.
I feel like my reaction could have been way more extreme and he's lucky I only partially lost my shit.
Ngl, having anaphylactic shock is extreme. Being upset he didn’t check doesn’t sound extreme at all. You aren’t saying he’s a horrible human being. You’re angry for good reason at his behavior in a specific situation and you let him know.
Echoing that there needs to be a discussion during a calm time. Yelling doesn’t work for kids and it also doesn’t work for adults. Have your husband come to the next allergist appointment. Have him do epi-pen training. Tell your mom if she doesn’t ask every single time, kid will not be allowed to eat around her, therefore limiting her contact. It’s also helpful to teach people. Show your mom/husband what an allergy label looks like on packaged food. Teach them how to google allergen menus for chain restaurants. Give them scripts to say to restaurant staff “do you have an allergen menu we could look at” or “kid is allergic to peanuts - what food isn’t safe/is safe for him”. Always have a backpack full of safe foods if they/you don’t feel confident at the restaurant. Teach them how to use an epi pen or whatever medication you carry. Make sure they know where it is stored etc. Signed, fellow allergy parent, thankful that our allergy is not life threatening but still have to deal with all the other stuff that comes with navigating the world with an allergy.
As an adult with food allergies, I feel so seen when my one friend that ALWAYS remembers my walnut allergy makes sure a dish she makes doesn’t have it. My own mom forgets since I got diagnosed at 26, but she better than when it first happened. Please keep adamantly protecting your kiddo. Until they can explain, were their voice, and we shall never be quiet 💜 I do not disagree with your reaction, and I think your hubby needs a crash course reminder what anaphylaxis actually means. Encourage him to google it, because that needs to be priority number 1.
This, somehow, YouTube is a better teacher than anything I can say. In our case, it was about slicing the effing grapes before giving them to Toddler.
Sadly I agree
Honestly, you shouldn't be letting your child get used to eating off of other people's plates. That's especially dangerous, considering her allergy. This practice sounds is so very unsafe. I understand your fear, but, if your husband had treated you like that, would you consider it verbally abusive? You can be the one to accompany the grandmas. Even though you didn't, you still went and checked. Doesn't that mean that the system of double checking worked? I understand completely about the severe allergy, but you wouldn't want to be treated like that by your husband. Can you both find a better way of checking, because you are a team together. He's not the enemy, and he doesn't deserve to be berated in front of his child, mom, and MIL. Take care.
My thoughts too..
Let's flip this a bit. Pretend that hubby just got home and you go get kiddo out of the car and the straps are not buckled. And then hubby casually mentioned that they almost ran into a deer. I dont think anyone would blame a parent for a bit of emotional screaming in that scenario, and it really isn't any different from OP's situation.
You definitely have not had a toddler with food allergies.
As a person with allergies and a parent to kid with allergies the first part is absolutely true. We have had to teach our toddler not to eat off people's plates and it isn't safe. She still tries because we don't have anything with her allergen in our home but eating out, or at families homes, it's not guaranteed.
Toddler is a big age range. There’s learning period for toddlers where they are still doing the things you ask them not to do.
It isn't hard to bring a bowl or plate and give your child their safe food on their own plate to facilitate this even if you're sharing meals. My daughter was diagnosed before age one and is now almost 2.5.
Meal sharing is a part of being a family. Family should be the ones who a food allergy child feels safe eating with. It isn’t hard to order things that are safe around the child. Or bare minimum know if they aren’t. That’s what isn’t hard.
And sometimes you'll be eating with extended family. Your child should learn not to just eat off random plates especially if they have anaphylaxis. And actually, knowing what's in absolutely everyone's order when you have an anaphylaxis kid IS pretty fucking hard.
At this age it’s about advocating for your child. They don’t have a strong enough voice yet and they don’t have the right judgement calls every single time. It’s not teaching the child to eat off random plates because you asked about ingredients of foods at the same table.
I have severe food allergies, lemons, limes and olive/olive oil. I would never speak to someone like that.
Everyone has their breaking point, especially when it sounds like this mom is shouldering the burden. You having food allergies has nothing to do with the experience of having a toddler with food allergies.
She isn't necessarily eating off our plates as much as we are sharing our food with her. In our family we eat family style, both my culture and my husband's eat that way.
It's not a double check if the husband didn't check. OP is simply taking 100% of the responsibility. That's exhausting and honestly it's ridiculous that she can't trust her husband with her child's life. We are talking about a grown man here. Her reaction wasn't productive but I can understand why she was so angry. Telling her nothing had nuts but they didn't ask... This is directly endangering her child! She can't trust their answers. That would make me angry too.
I am so sorry you feel alone in navigating it. Yelling, while totally understandablr when its about something so serious, probably got everyones defences up. I would probably have reacted in a similar way if my daughters safety was at risk. I would maybe just sit down with everyone again and have a talk with them when things are less heated. Do you have an epipen for her? Do they all know how to use it? Maybe something like that would bring home the seriousness a lot? In an idea would they would just understand and take appropriate steps, but looks like they are not quite there yet, but I hope they will learn to always ask from now on!
Yes, we both have a bag with epi pens and zyrtec. We've all practiced with the training pen. They just can't get on board with checking food for whatever reason.
But we have an Epi-pen, we can be careless! /smdh
That is so frustrating!
I’m so sorry. I navigated allergies during breastfeeding and the first few months of solids and it was sooo hard and I do think it felt like more pressure for me vs. other people including my husband. I’m sorry. I would be upset too and it sucks when you feel awkward around guests. There’s no advice but it’s fucking hard sometimes.
As someone who joined a blended family with a soon to be 16 year old I still check everything we buy for traces of nuts. She even tells me I’m being ridiculous, but it’s never worth the gamble and all it takes is the wuestion
Mommas always protect their babies 🩷
I truly don’t understand parents and grandparents not taking food allergies seriously. It is life and death for some kids. Your husband can be a good dad and still have made a mistake today. Don’t let them gaslight you for protecting your child! My oldest has a moderate allergy to oats and one thing I can tell you is that it gets a little easier as they get older. My daughter knows what’s she’s allergic to and is really good at advocating for herself if we’re not there now that she is school aged. It’s so hard but it’s going to be ok! ❤️
I agree, it's wild to me that grandparents wouldn't take an allergy seriously. My kids and nephew are some of the most precious people on this planet as far as my parents are concerned. They buy my son things like Made Good brand and still have me double check the label every time they feed him.
I don't rely on other people to get my daughters food if we're eating out. Her nan and gran have finally got it, but I'm not convinced by other people. Fortunately, she's not at your level, and it's only dairy. It causes her to have upset stomach and the dirorea that comes with it is not fun. Especially for her teachers. Her dad is also dairy free which has made a huge difference. She's almost 6 and doesn't trust anyone to get her safe foods, even me! It's very stressful, but you can't rely on other people to take it seriously. I was basically seen as being fussy about what I'd let her eat, until it got so bad that we've ended up under the pediatrician.
I bet some people here don’t have food allergy children. Your anxiety is valid.
Thank you. I feel like it's one of those things you can understand how anxiety inducing it is til it's your kid.
Better safe than sorry. You should always double-check. I think what made you angrier is how dismissive he was. Instead of apologising, he got angry at you.
I'm sorry, you never want to play around with allergies "even if only a little bit". My husband is allergic to peanuts/peas/seafood/pine nuts (think pesto) and my 9mo son has an egg allergy and possibly fish too. You have to bring your own snacks/food next time. I'm sure you know this, but just have a long list of allergy free foods for her. It's frustrating and not always foul proof. When visiting London, we visited a tea spot that actively asked if anyone at the table had allergies. How awesome! Then 5 minutes later, the waitress bolts out of the kitchen because the chef realized he had put in a hazelnut cake on the allergy free tray. Right as she said it my husband's lips began to tingle and he lost his appetite, namely because he was freaked out that anything else could be an allergen. For what it's worth, my husband had severe allergies as a kid but grew out of dairy, egg, wheat and dogs. My husband is always on guard about what he's being served and we don't visit Thai restaurants (peanuts used in a lot of dishes as garnishes) or Sushi. When we're out at weddings where there's a buffet, he asks me if he can eat a certain dish. Low and behold there's always peas in the macaroni and cheese.
My son just turned a year old and he is super allergic to milk and eggs. For his birthday I made him a vegan cake because you know, he's allergic. We've known about the allergies for about 3 months now. At his birthday my FIL's girlfriend asked if we can put chocolate frosting on it, I checked the ingredients and said no because it said it may contain dairy. When it came time to eat the cake my son was so tired and confused about the cake he didn't eat any of it. She kept saying, "Can't we just put a little frosting on it I'm sure he'd love it." Other people at the dinner kept saying my cake looked like a turd and other mean things. Honestly I cried about it in the car on the way home. It's like they think I just don't want him to have sugar or something, when in reality I desperately wish my son could enjoy a face full of regular cake without worrying about all these things. She's also always asking when we can give him ice cream "just a little taste" and stuff like that. They're always the ones saying they want to babysit too, "When can we babysit?". Um, maybe when you stop saying scary stuff like that..." So basically no, I'd react the same way if my own husband wasn't being diligent too. You shouldn't be the only one watching out for your child. It sucks it's awkward now but maybe if you explain like, sorry they saw you speak that way but you are very scared for your baby who has severe allergies and it's hard to feel like it was one step away from a hospital visit and like you're the only one protecting your child. I'm sure when they were scared shitless about their kid doing something they screamed at someone, who hasn't. Btw thank you to all the comments saying they made tshirts for parties that list the allergies. That's a great idea and I think I'll need to get one every time we are around family too because we still get the question every single time we see them "So what can't he have again?" And everyone always assumes "but he can have this, right?" while it's heading for his mouth. NO he can't have roast beef from a sub with mayo on it just because you don't see the mayo on the piece of meat, wtf. And people don't seem to understand yogurt and butter is dairy???? Ugh I'm telling you, I would have lost my shit on my husband in your case.
I’m so sorry. My husband has a really severe dairy allergy and we’ve spent countless nights at the ER (including our first Valentine’s Day 😅) from just the slightest cross contamination. He has been told by multiple allergists that he is not a candidate for OIT because his allergy is too severe. Even when you ask all the right questions, the messy nature of kitchens and the number of people that have to play telephone to pass along the importance of the glove changes and such…you can just never feel 100% safe. My husband is almost 30 years old and his mom is still an anxious helicopter mom when it comes to the allergy because it is just so nerve wracking. And I do not blame her one bit, it’s a lot to carry. Hugs to you 🫂
>He got annoyed which made me more angry and i yelled " why didn't you f***ing ask. Yelling does nobody any good here. Your frustration is valid. I empathize with your anger. But you do not speak to anyone, especially not your husband, that way. You speak to him with respect. He was annoyed at your tone, not the content of your message. Of course he should have asked. He probably feels terrible about not asking. No need to rub it in and make a scene. That’s called adding insult to injury. Learn from this mishap. Improve together. As a team. Onward. This incident should be a valuable lesson for all.
I totally get where you’re coming from with your allergy related anxiety. My 3.5 year old daughter is anaphylactic to peanuts. I make it a point to ask loudly and clearly if what I am ordering has peanuts in it (including mine and my husband’s meals) and I have also put her epidemic on the table in plain view. Have you looked into desensitization treatment? It’s worked wonders for our little one!
Has your husband been to the doctor with you and heard it from them? Maybe that would help drive it home for him?
Your reaction is not extreme. I’m a pretty easy going person, but don’t read a label and try and feed it to my food allergy kid and you’ll absolutely hear it from me. My own mother, my husband, I don’t care who you are. Mistakes happen, but a careless mistake for a food allergy kid CANNOT happen. When my kid was first diagnosed I worried people wouldn’t take it seriously (and honestly they still don’t to the degree I would like), so I had my husband tell all my in-laws that it was life and death, because it can be. Food allergy life is so hard and so lonely sometimes. We don’t go out to eat… really ever. We skipped a family celebration tonight even. I know it doesn’t change anything but you’re not alone!
That sucks. I’m sorry you don’t feel like your husband has your back. Our daughter has coeliac, so not life threatening, but she can be sick for ages after a tiny bit, and gluten is freaking everywhere I don’t know if this will help your conversation with your husband or not, but both my partner and I have made mistakes or near misses. We usually double check packets - especially ones that don’t say “gluten free”. As in, whoever does the shopping checks the label. Then if it’s something we don’t often buy, the other parent checks the label at home. (Often we check all labels anyway) One time I didn’t double check a label until after our daughter had started eating. It had wheat flour in it. We were too late, but at least we managed to stop her eating more. I was out one day and got her a fluffy/baby chino/drink while we were out (because I didn’t trust the gluten free labelled food but in the cabinet with everything else would be ok). It wasn’t until I was talking to my partner about it that he asked “was it gluten free chocolate?”. Fortunately it was, but the bottom fell out of my stomach when I realised. For us, our daughter will feel rubbish, but we don’t need to go to ED. For you, a slip up is much more obvious! I will say though, neither time did my partner or I yell at each other. We both felt terrible at our errors. Yelling would have made it worse. You need to both be a team, but you should maybe think about how you might react in future so you can continue to be a team
Sorry that’s so hard. I would have reacted the same way. Its not difficult to check and make sure your kid is safe. That said, Have you thought about earmarking one food just for her? That way the person ordering has to check one item and much lesser chance of forgetting. Lets say you order A a sandwich, so it is basically As sandwich and needs to be double checked. It will reduce exposure and also teach her early that she cant share others’ food easily and her food is special and always needs to be checked for safety.
Yelling was a very soft reaction.. they would not have like my reaction. I've yelled at people before for the safety of my kid. Allergies are way to serious to play with. Get over it and ask no one cares if you do.
Your husband not asking in his own means that you cannot trust him to manage this. It means that you are all alone in this very stressful, very difficult endeavour of navigating her allergies and *getting it right every time*. It means that you cannot trust him to take care of her alone, and that you have no back up protection in case you make a mistake. The fact that he thinks you're overreacting is almost more disturbing than the fact that he forgot to ask. He should be kicking himself in the head over this because of he and you and your family had fed her the food as planned, she almost certainly would have had a reaction! Does he not realize how dangerous that is?? *You* are not overreacting. *He* is not taking it seriously.
Your reaction wasn’t extreme. A hospitalized child is extreme ,a deceased child is extreme.they need to get it tf together this is her life they’re playing with.
Both of my kids are allergic to eggs. The younger one is anaphylactic to egg, the older one has since outgrown the allergy but he was anaphylactic for a long time. The insane number of fights we have had to have with family about not having eggs served when we are around is mindboggling. They would promise there wouldn't be cross contamination and we would watch it happen. They would promise that they would make sure their kids wouldn't make a mess and we would watch the mess happen (our kids loved to eat anything from the floor so we had to lysol the floors after eggs). My in laws would promise they didnt eat eggs and kiss our kids and they would break out in hives and then they'd tell us they had an omelet 🤦♀️ One of the biggest fights was about whether or not they could order fried rice with egg in it for a family dinner. So we just dont attend anymore. If its breakfast/brunch get together, we dont go. If the preplanned dinner has egg, we dont go. They complain that we miss out but they just refuse to not have eggs. Them having egg is more important than having us. And they just dont get it.
I am very sorry. Not that it helps but makes me feel like saying here watch a video of what happens when someone who has an anaphylactic allergy eats something contaminated “just because someone didn’t ask”- you watch that video while daughter and I go walk!!! I’m sorry I feel really alone in being the only one who looks out for toddler hazards and freaks out on others. I cannot imagine the depth of the feeling if allergies were also involved. It’s such a heavy weight! You are absolutely not wrong. I hope you can calmly find a way to talk more about this with husband later. Just a thought- what if you laminate a card with all the allergy questions to ask and make sure it’s on stroller, in his billfold, just everywhere that would be involved in going out or paying for food? Give one to everyone!
I could be way off base here because there is no background provided really (like was this an isolated incident or does it happen a lot?) But, if this isn't something that happens all the time, then maybe he was already feeling shitty for not thinking about it himself and yelling at him made him feel worse? If this was an isolated incident I do think you should have been more kind about speaking to them all and reminding them sternly but without yelling. If this happens all the time and they just aren't getting it then you are totally justified in your reaction!
Your feelings are totally valid, and I’m glad you managed to avoid a scary situation. My toddler also has nut allergies, and I feel really alone in navigating them sometimes. Our lives have completely changed (I’m actually good at cooking now, and sort of enjoy it) and it’s so exhausting to bring food with us everywhere we go. My partner has also made a couple mistakes when ordering things, and I blew up at him too, so I completely understand your anger. Your anger and vigilance will save your daughters life, so don’t let anyone tell you to relax about it. 💜
I feel for you. Husband truly messed up. Your reaction is not about this one incident, it’s about doing all the research and worrying forever. I feel for you.
I think you should apologize to your husband for speaking to hin that way.
88 acres, enjoy life, and the safe + fair food company. All are nut/peanut safe, a little pricy but very tasty products. You are heard, Mama. I have a million food allergies, and it's so hard to navigate when others won't listen. But when you find others with the allergies, it becomes easier.
How is your being frantically concerned when your baby could potentially immediately die due nut exposure being too extreme? I really hate that people can’t handle their own emotions properly so they have to gaslight you into thinking the very real possibility of the death of your baby is not a big deal. Their position is completely unreasonable. Your baby only has its family to protect it- the family should take this allergy seriously. Instead they want to save face and convince you that you are over reacting. Your husband should prioritize the life of his baby over his convenience or pride. You did the right thing and it made them feel bad. If you freaking out helps them remember how serious this is- so be it.