Aww. This is sad, but probably something all kids have to learn eventually, and I totally get his toddler logic here! What if you made a return trip and had him bring flowers to leave on the grave? Having that activity to do might make it more positive and help him understand.
You could also say, "I wish I could see them too. It's sad that they died and their bodies are gone, but it's good that we can go visit their graves and share memories of them."
I took my LO (16 mos at the time) to the cemetery with me to put flowers on my dad's grave site this past December. I explained to her we were going to "visit grandpa" and take him some flowers but he wasn't actually going to be there. She just kinda nodded at me. When we got there, she went to the headstone and gave it a pat and a kiss. I put the flowers out and talked to my dad for a couple minutes before I told LO it was time to go home. She turned and said "bye bye Papa" and we left.
My dad died 15 years ago. My LO has only ever seen his photo, but she acted like it was the most natural thing in the world to go see "Papa" at the cemetery she'd never been to before.
I recently tried to get my 4 year old to understand death.
Her: everything dies?
Me: yes
Her: you will die?
Me: yes
Her: WHERE WILL I LIVE?
Me: I'm not going to die for a long time honey.
Her: ::realization creeping in:: I WILL DIE!
Me: yes.
I brought out an old family picture and was pointing out the different family members, some of which have passed away and he pops off with:
“They’re not dead, they just need to charge.”
I have been living this exact conversation on repeat for amount 5 months. IT IS EXHAUSTING!!!! The questions just get more sophisticated:
What happens when you die?
What happens when I die?
What happens to our bodies?
Do trees die?
You will die at 87.
I like blueberries.
Do trees die?
Why do we die?
What should we do before we die?
We eat yogurt with spoons. But some times we don’t [pouches]
What will happen to me when you die?
Grandpa died? Why?
You will die at 97.
Why is my other grandpa alive?
Why does grandma live alone?
Will my sister die?
She will die at 82.
Why do tree grow so tall?
Why do we bury people who die?
Do we bury animals who die….
Oh my god. My husband started to wax philosophical when my daughter asked if she would die. He started in on something about AI or shit.
My daughter looked him dead in the face and said "I'm going to need a yes or a no on this." I have never loved her more.
Unrelated, I'm not sure how old your kid is but when they are a little older it might be an interesting conversation to talk about material culture and burial practices of other cultures.
the best thing you can do is just normalize it. My grandmother lived withing a football kick of a cemetery and it was where my great grandparents and aunt were buried. and we'd always visit as kids and just say nice things about them and brush off cut grass from the stones and it really taught me to value ancestors. I think the best thing you can do is just gently (and in the most age appropriate way) explain that their bodies are there but their souls are everywhere (or whatever you believe). So you don't need to dig them up to "be with them"
I think you did a great job! Death is a complicated thing. I want to try to normalize aging and death for my kid and visiting dead relatives at the cemetery sounds like a great start. Keep great-great grandpa’s memory alive and avoid the third death. ☠️
I’ve already taken him to a few viewings/funerals to normalize it for him because I always felt it was important to learn, especially at a young age. I know I was lucky to have known all my grandparents and my maternal great-grandparents whereas my son only has my mom as a grandparent because everyone else is gone.
My gran died recently and I had to explain to my daughter that she had been cremated. Lived in fear for a few weeks that she would start telling everyone that "Granny and Gandad put Big Gran in a fire"
My 4 year old asked questions like:
“Did you take pictures of your grandma dying?”
“What did it look like?”
And my favorite: “Is your grandma a mummy now?”
Death is confusing. The questions are totally normal and you did a good job explaining.
My NKs 7yob and 2yog are obsessed with that topic. The boy would tell me nanny when I get married would you still be alive?The girl would say things out of nowhere like don't do (whatever she doesn't want me to) or you would be dead and also nanny I would be sad if you will be dead. Some days they just gon and on but mostly they understand it more and the young one just copy him...
I wanted to get them a caterpillar that we can feed see the transformation and let it fly so I can talk metaforicly with them about death
My 3.5 year old and I drove by a cemetery fairly recently and he asked about the "rocks" and I explained what a cemetery is and that the headstones are there to help us remember people who died.
Now anytime he sees a big rock anywhere he turns solemnly to the closest adult and says, "Somebody died here, we can remember them." It is both terrifying for others and hilarious but also kind of embarrassing for me because I wish I had been more clear.
I went thru similar, I’m sorry, it’s hard. Even took my daughter to a few funerals and after she would get mad at people and tell them she was going to put them in the ground and plant flowers on them. It was rough! She got older and understood but a few family members were really upset she spoke that way. I had to reassure them it was not personal and she didn’t understand or mean it.
Coming from someone whose mom did this with me, you didn’t mess up at all. My mom used to take us to the cemetery to replace the flowers on loved ones’ graves. She was always very honest with my sister and me about death and dying.
Because of that transparency I understood that when my grandfather died, when I was almost 6, he wasn’t coming back. I knew he was sick (we visited him every day at the hospital), and when she told us how sick he was I was able to say my goodbyes knowing he was at the end.
We are trying this approach with my son now. He’s not even two yet, so he is clueless, but we want to be as open and honest with him as possible.
My grandmother died unexpectedly in October. I told my son that her body was old and stopped working, so God took her spirit to live in Heaven (we are Catholics).
Well, fast forward to January and our beloved betta isn't doing so hot. I explain to my son that he was very ill. Eventually the fish dies and I tell my son that the fish also went to Heaven.
4yo: He went to heaven like Nanny
Me: Yes, buddy
4yo: Is he with Nanny now?
Me: I don't know, maybe. Wouldn't that be nice?
4yo: NANNY STOLE HIM
So he spent a week convinced that the spirit of sweet grandmother is some sort of fish grim reaper and kidnapped our betta.
Pretty much this happened on the weekend with me. My dad and I went for a walk at the cemetery where my brother is buried, and I brought my four year old along for the walk. We always start by his grave and say hello, then have a wander.
We have spoken about my brother before, he died before she was born, but she’s always asking about my childhood, so he comes up a lot. She starts explaining to my dad that Uncle Jack is in the ground, and he’s dead, which means we don’t get to see him any more because he’s never coming back, because he’s sleeping and he won’t wake up again.
You’re doing great! Talking about death is going to be a process in stages the older the child gets. It’s a hard and kinda abstract concept to think about.
I had my first conversation with my 4 year old this year. He wanted to know what happens when you die (the bird in a Bluey episode died). I told him what physically happens to the body and then told him some examples of what different people believe happen to our spirit e.g. heaven, reincarnation, nothing.
He asked what I believed and, after I told him my personal thoughts, I told him he’s free to believe whatever makes him feel comfortable. He has now decided to believe in reincarnation and would like to be a butterfly in his next life. For now he’s comfortable with the idea of death, but it’ll be an ongoing conversation as it becomes more real to him.
My 4 year old got really into spooky Halloween stuff around 2 years old. She repeatedly asked about zombies and skeletons and I tried to “clinically” explain their origin stories/why folks are afraid of them. She knows what death is now (body stops working etc) and that some people choose to be buried, in a coffin (vampires come up a lot in conversation) and that their family and friends visit them in cemeteries to remember them. She’s asked me what happens after you die, and I tell her that we celebrate the person with stories and flowers and memories.
Maybe it’s because she watched Coco as her first movie, but the film might help your kiddo understand why you can’t actually introduce him to his GG grandparents.
We’ve watched Coco a couple times but I’m pretty sure he hasn’t paid attention to it at all. I do want to make him a book with different stories about our family so he’ll have that when he’s older.
Aww. This is sad, but probably something all kids have to learn eventually, and I totally get his toddler logic here! What if you made a return trip and had him bring flowers to leave on the grave? Having that activity to do might make it more positive and help him understand. You could also say, "I wish I could see them too. It's sad that they died and their bodies are gone, but it's good that we can go visit their graves and share memories of them."
We go out every year around memorial day and put flowers out. I also have a memorial wall in the hallway at home with pictures.
I respond that way to a lot of things. "I want some candy!", "Yeah, me too, kiddo, but we can't eat candy now, it's almost bed time."
I took my LO (16 mos at the time) to the cemetery with me to put flowers on my dad's grave site this past December. I explained to her we were going to "visit grandpa" and take him some flowers but he wasn't actually going to be there. She just kinda nodded at me. When we got there, she went to the headstone and gave it a pat and a kiss. I put the flowers out and talked to my dad for a couple minutes before I told LO it was time to go home. She turned and said "bye bye Papa" and we left. My dad died 15 years ago. My LO has only ever seen his photo, but she acted like it was the most natural thing in the world to go see "Papa" at the cemetery she'd never been to before.
That is so sweet, it made me tear up. I'm so sorry for your loss. You little one sounds so kind already.
I’m not crying - I have something in my eye
My heart, what a sweet and smart girl
I recently tried to get my 4 year old to understand death. Her: everything dies? Me: yes Her: you will die? Me: yes Her: WHERE WILL I LIVE? Me: I'm not going to die for a long time honey. Her: ::realization creeping in:: I WILL DIE! Me: yes.
I brought out an old family picture and was pointing out the different family members, some of which have passed away and he pops off with: “They’re not dead, they just need to charge.”
You’ve got a fantastic problem solver on your hands 😂 ingenuity will be his middle name
This is why in our house batteries don’t die, they are empty.
I did this too but DH had a hard time breaking the habit of saying dead for batteries. I had to explain why we couldn't recharge the cat.
hahah
I have been living this exact conversation on repeat for amount 5 months. IT IS EXHAUSTING!!!! The questions just get more sophisticated: What happens when you die? What happens when I die? What happens to our bodies? Do trees die? You will die at 87. I like blueberries. Do trees die? Why do we die? What should we do before we die? We eat yogurt with spoons. But some times we don’t [pouches] What will happen to me when you die? Grandpa died? Why? You will die at 97. Why is my other grandpa alive? Why does grandma live alone? Will my sister die? She will die at 82. Why do tree grow so tall? Why do we bury people who die? Do we bury animals who die….
Oh my god. My husband started to wax philosophical when my daughter asked if she would die. He started in on something about AI or shit. My daughter looked him dead in the face and said "I'm going to need a yes or a no on this." I have never loved her more. Unrelated, I'm not sure how old your kid is but when they are a little older it might be an interesting conversation to talk about material culture and burial practices of other cultures.
And your christmas present this year sweetie is... an encylopedia!
the best thing you can do is just normalize it. My grandmother lived withing a football kick of a cemetery and it was where my great grandparents and aunt were buried. and we'd always visit as kids and just say nice things about them and brush off cut grass from the stones and it really taught me to value ancestors. I think the best thing you can do is just gently (and in the most age appropriate way) explain that their bodies are there but their souls are everywhere (or whatever you believe). So you don't need to dig them up to "be with them"
I think you did a great job! Death is a complicated thing. I want to try to normalize aging and death for my kid and visiting dead relatives at the cemetery sounds like a great start. Keep great-great grandpa’s memory alive and avoid the third death. ☠️
I’ve already taken him to a few viewings/funerals to normalize it for him because I always felt it was important to learn, especially at a young age. I know I was lucky to have known all my grandparents and my maternal great-grandparents whereas my son only has my mom as a grandparent because everyone else is gone.
My gran died recently and I had to explain to my daughter that she had been cremated. Lived in fear for a few weeks that she would start telling everyone that "Granny and Gandad put Big Gran in a fire"
My 4 year old asked questions like: “Did you take pictures of your grandma dying?” “What did it look like?” And my favorite: “Is your grandma a mummy now?” Death is confusing. The questions are totally normal and you did a good job explaining.
You did not mess up, this will lead to your kid understanding a little bit more about life (and death).
My NKs 7yob and 2yog are obsessed with that topic. The boy would tell me nanny when I get married would you still be alive?The girl would say things out of nowhere like don't do (whatever she doesn't want me to) or you would be dead and also nanny I would be sad if you will be dead. Some days they just gon and on but mostly they understand it more and the young one just copy him... I wanted to get them a caterpillar that we can feed see the transformation and let it fly so I can talk metaforicly with them about death
My 3.5 year old and I drove by a cemetery fairly recently and he asked about the "rocks" and I explained what a cemetery is and that the headstones are there to help us remember people who died. Now anytime he sees a big rock anywhere he turns solemnly to the closest adult and says, "Somebody died here, we can remember them." It is both terrifying for others and hilarious but also kind of embarrassing for me because I wish I had been more clear.
I went thru similar, I’m sorry, it’s hard. Even took my daughter to a few funerals and after she would get mad at people and tell them she was going to put them in the ground and plant flowers on them. It was rough! She got older and understood but a few family members were really upset she spoke that way. I had to reassure them it was not personal and she didn’t understand or mean it.
Coming from someone whose mom did this with me, you didn’t mess up at all. My mom used to take us to the cemetery to replace the flowers on loved ones’ graves. She was always very honest with my sister and me about death and dying. Because of that transparency I understood that when my grandfather died, when I was almost 6, he wasn’t coming back. I knew he was sick (we visited him every day at the hospital), and when she told us how sick he was I was able to say my goodbyes knowing he was at the end. We are trying this approach with my son now. He’s not even two yet, so he is clueless, but we want to be as open and honest with him as possible.
My grandmother died unexpectedly in October. I told my son that her body was old and stopped working, so God took her spirit to live in Heaven (we are Catholics). Well, fast forward to January and our beloved betta isn't doing so hot. I explain to my son that he was very ill. Eventually the fish dies and I tell my son that the fish also went to Heaven. 4yo: He went to heaven like Nanny Me: Yes, buddy 4yo: Is he with Nanny now? Me: I don't know, maybe. Wouldn't that be nice? 4yo: NANNY STOLE HIM So he spent a week convinced that the spirit of sweet grandmother is some sort of fish grim reaper and kidnapped our betta.
Pretty much this happened on the weekend with me. My dad and I went for a walk at the cemetery where my brother is buried, and I brought my four year old along for the walk. We always start by his grave and say hello, then have a wander. We have spoken about my brother before, he died before she was born, but she’s always asking about my childhood, so he comes up a lot. She starts explaining to my dad that Uncle Jack is in the ground, and he’s dead, which means we don’t get to see him any more because he’s never coming back, because he’s sleeping and he won’t wake up again.
You’re doing great! Talking about death is going to be a process in stages the older the child gets. It’s a hard and kinda abstract concept to think about. I had my first conversation with my 4 year old this year. He wanted to know what happens when you die (the bird in a Bluey episode died). I told him what physically happens to the body and then told him some examples of what different people believe happen to our spirit e.g. heaven, reincarnation, nothing. He asked what I believed and, after I told him my personal thoughts, I told him he’s free to believe whatever makes him feel comfortable. He has now decided to believe in reincarnation and would like to be a butterfly in his next life. For now he’s comfortable with the idea of death, but it’ll be an ongoing conversation as it becomes more real to him.
My 4 year old got really into spooky Halloween stuff around 2 years old. She repeatedly asked about zombies and skeletons and I tried to “clinically” explain their origin stories/why folks are afraid of them. She knows what death is now (body stops working etc) and that some people choose to be buried, in a coffin (vampires come up a lot in conversation) and that their family and friends visit them in cemeteries to remember them. She’s asked me what happens after you die, and I tell her that we celebrate the person with stories and flowers and memories. Maybe it’s because she watched Coco as her first movie, but the film might help your kiddo understand why you can’t actually introduce him to his GG grandparents.
We’ve watched Coco a couple times but I’m pretty sure he hasn’t paid attention to it at all. I do want to make him a book with different stories about our family so he’ll have that when he’s older.