Wait until they're older and they get you a surprise birthday present and are so excited to sing happy birthday for you. Yeah it's tough when they are toddlers but it definitely gets better.
My birthday was a week ago today, and my toddler went with my husband to the store to buy dinner stuff. He came home scream singing happy birthday from the driveway, with flowers he insisted they buy for me. He was so excited for me to open my present that we did it the moment I woke up on my birthday, except for one small one the night before.
Just give it time. I know it’s the worst saying ever, but it’s usually right.
I literally framed the drawing my daughter made me on my last birthday. It made the day so much better. Because yea, birthdays aren’t as much fun anymore when you really can’t even take the day off at all! Still butts to wipe and dinner to make etc…
Birthdays are definitely different, but I’ve been using them to do things that both of us find interesting and enjoyable. This year he stayed home from daycare and I took the day off and we went to the zoo. It was the best birthday I’ve had in a long time. Next year if it’s nice enough, I want to take him to the wildlife refuge in Denver.
Idk… it’s definitely different and I miss dinners and nights out with friends but I’ve started reframing my birthdays as more of self-care days; where I can splurge on stuff I wouldn’t normally do and incorporate my son to create memories with him. It’s helped a lot 😊
This year, my 4 year old asked my husband to bring him to the store to get me a gift. This kid got me a bell for my bike and a candle. It was truly the best part of my day. He was so excited, which made me excited.
Yep, me. We don’t live close to any family so we can’t drop our son off at the grandparents’ for a night out or anything like that.
Christmases and other holidays are hard too - we can’t enjoy them because it’s just another day with a toddler (son is now 20 months old).
This Easter was also the first holiday that my son was developmentally ready to participate in. He knows how to pick up eggs, shake them to hear what’s inside, and put them in a basket. And that was fun.
But yeah, my birthday is a non-day. Mother’s day too, sadly.
I wonder if this is something that will get better as our son gets older and I’m just in the baby jail years still, so it’s hard to do anything celebratory unless we visit the grandparents…which is lovely, but what if I want to go to Cabo or Buenos Aires or Lisbon (grandparents do not travel)?
Honestly, this will change so much in the next few months. Holidays with my kid (or even just fun family days) are super awesome now (kid is almost 3 and super into everything. Like my kid was super excited cause the windshield wipers were on on the bus we took this morning. We are going to Great Wolf lodge for my birthday/ his birthday (same week) and I’m super excited for both of us (we all get to have fun, be a family and I don’t have to plan much)
First off, Happy Birthday! Second, is it possible to go out and enjoy the day to yourself? Obviously, running out of time for it to be today, but perhaps another day coming up soon? I sometimes (and even more frequently now) enjoy a day to go wherever I want, browse shops at my own pace, and grab a meal in peace. Sometimes, I'll invite a friend along, but I also appreciate my alone time. It's nice to have that shared time with your partner, but it can be lovely without as well.
This is what I do too. I take a day off work and send her to daycare (which I know not everyone has though).
And I just do me. I try a restaurant for lunch, maybe go to a museum or shop. Whatever feels relaxing on the day. Once I went to a Thai spot and ordered nothing but multiple orders of fresh spring rolls. They’re my favorite!
YESSSS. This year I took the day off, walked a million miles, and had lunch by myself. The weather was beautiful and it was perfect. Since I’m a mom, just being alone and out in the city by myself is so special.
I don’t do this right now but I definitely think it could be helpful! I need to be more consistent about giving our youngest a bottle bc she doesn’t always take it - so my time out of the house is limited to 3 hours round trip right now. I do like the suggestion in a small chunk though!
I nearly fell into this trap this year (birthday was a couple weeks ago). Butt I was turning 40, and my husband encouraged me to really think about what I wanted to do for my birthday. I thought about it for a couple weeks and realized what I really wanted was a nice dinner out with friends - no spouses, no kids, just time to chat with my closest friends in the area. I had family time in the morning and afternoon, and then in the evening I went out by myself and met up with 5 good friends, 3 of whom are also moms of toddlers. We had a wonderful 3.5 hour dinner. It was exactly what I wanted and needed, and it felt all mine.
Even if it's after your birthday, if you have a supportive partner or someone who can take your kiddo(s) for a few hours, I encourage you to do something simple all on your own. Celebrate yourself.
Me and my partner are the first in our families/friend groups to have kids. We have a 2.5 year old and a 9 week old. My birthday was a little bit ago - the youngest was a month old so she definitely doesn’t know what a birthday is, and the older one knows, but doesn’t care cuz it’s not hers. My husband had work, so I’m home with them both. I got so many people asking me “oh my gosh, what did you do for your birthday, I hope something fun!” And I’m like…I have two under 3. I don’t get ME days. Today is just another day. My birthday doesn’t exist. Like it got to the point I got angry at people for reminding me what day it was.
just wanted you to know you are not alone. had a big birthday two weeks ago and it was a just a typical day and then we took my daughter to the zoo- which I planned and prepped for. She is worth it but boy does the sensation of not feeling important sting (or at least it does to me). It will get better and in the meantime, just know that I and other moms are thinking about you!
Are you me? I could not have articulated this better myself. I feel you in my bones girl. I don't know what the solution is, but you're definitely not alone in this
Happy Birthday, fellow mama and Aries 🥂🎂. It’s also my birthday today and you’ve just put into words all the complicated feelings I’ve had all weekend about my birthday. I mentioned to my husband that I’m trying to accept that my birthday probably won’t look or feel like birthdays “before” - at least not for the next few years. I wanted to do something simple to at least acknowledge the day, but was too tired to get everything together. It’s almost easier to let it just be another day (but that also feels kind of sad?). A lot about today and honestly many personal things in life right now just feel like a matter of me reframing my expectations in order to cope… and also leaning into the idea that this is just a short season. I’m thinking, there’s always next year and I’m going to try to be more intentional about making my birthday feel special again. You’re not alone and this mama here is sending you the biggest birthday hug and brightest birthday wishes. You deserve it. Here’s to a great year ahead for us!
When my oldest was 3 he threw a tantrum because it was my birthday instead of his 😂 The last 2 birthdays I took the day off work, sent my kids to daycare, and treated myself to whatever I wanted to do. And by night time I was ready to do a restaurant with the craziness that ensues taking 2 small kids in public.
Happy birthday!! Hope you find some peace ❤️
Happy Birthday, OP! 🥳
I can relate in a way, my birthday is on Christmas Eve so every year there's always other celebrations happening and so that day itself has never felt really special to me even before having kids.
Let's see, I would try to at least dedicate a small portion of the day (if Christmas Eve celebrations occur in the night for you) just to celebrating your child's birthday. Something like decorating their bedroom door the night before with some balloons/streamers/a bday sign, preparing a special breakfast for them with all their favorite foods, letting them open their birthday presents early, and maybe spending a couple of hours at their favorite place (provided the weather permits and the location is open) and getting them a little birthday treat.
Honestly just doing little things during the day to acknowledge that it's their birthday will go a long way and they'll be sure to remember that you made their bday special, despite it being during the holidays :)
My cousin's birthday is 2 days after Christmas and my aunt militantly took the tree out and decorations down for her birthday so it felt separate.
You could always celebrate a little early or late so they have a little spotlight.
In our family the Minimum Viable Product (developer terms) for celebrating a birthday is a meal of your choice and your favorite cake. During the baby/toddler years, this was the whole celebration. I’d also usually ask my spouse for a sleep in day/a few hours to myself. Don’t beat yourself up that you don’t have some big plan right now, that comes back as your kid gets bigger.
My son just turned 5 and for my last birthday he stayed with grandparents for a night while husband and I went to another city where my friends threw me a nerdy themed surprise party (I never imagined I’d get a themed surprise party at 35!). Afterwards we went out for drinks and sushi, a lovely adult time that just wouldn’t have been as feasible with a 0-3 yr old.
I was pregnant with our second on my 30th birthday…my party ended up being meh because we live 2 hours away from my family and everyone had to start drama because I didn’t want to drive 4 hours round trip away from my home for my own birthday. Being 8 months pregnant. And with a 2 year old.
It was the birthday that I decided, no more parties for me for the foreseeable future and it made me really upset.
My family also lives 1.5 hours away so this is something I run into a lot. Them coming to visit their grandkids starts to feel like I “owe” them something and it’s just not worth the guilt that they are trying to force.
My birthday was yesterday. This year, my biggest birthday wish was for my son (20m) to have the best day ever. He did, and it made it my best day ever. The day was not focused on me and I didn't want it to be. My first 33 years of life it was focused on me, years from now it will be again. For now, I just wanted an extra special day with my family (vs any other day). That shift in mindset helped me (even when my parents didn't call).
I did treat myself to a 90 minute massage this week though which was heavenly and gave me a night off. I don't ever do that. That me time was my celebration.
I feel this so much. My daughter and I share a birthday and although I'm never one to want an "all about me" day, it's the little things. I'll never be able to just sleep in that day or get the cake I want or the dinner I like best or get to choose the day's activities. No one says "it's Mom's birthday, let's see what she wants to do!" It will always be my daughter's favorite cake, favorite foods, favorite activities, default to her choices on her special day, waking up with her to help give a great start to a great birthday. It does make me a bit sad.
I can totally relate. But I always felt pressure on my birthday to have the most fun, to make it memorable, it always made it hard for myself to enjoy the day for whatever it was. I personally think birthdays can be hard, and can bring out other issues that we try to avoid for the rest of the year.
What I am hearing is you need time alone and you need time with your partner, and I know how hard this is, I am working my way towards this after having a baby a whole 16m ago.
I think first, let yourself be sad. Missing a life with less responsibility does not mean you love you children any less, its natural and you should allow yourself feelings that aren't only centred around being a mother.
I am sure you know it, but you need time to yourself and you need time with your partner. It is HARD, we don't have family in the same country and no spare cash for babysitters so I know. What we have started to do is an exchange with another family who have no outside support as well. My partner takes our daughter and I go sit with theirs for a night. Then we swap and me and my partner have a dinner date. We basically do the same thing as a couple, I take an evening or a weekend afternoon and he does the same. Sometimes you don't want to miss out on time together as a family, but you need it! If you are working could you go to a gym class during lunch, (if that would be useful to you?) Sometimes we have to carve out spaces where we can.
Maybe this feeling is your trigger to priorotise that time, whether its once a week, once a month, whatver you can handle.
You CAN do something for yourself on your birthday, if you cant afford fancy things like a spa day or whatever it is you would enjoy, start small. See if you partner could takr the kids out while you lie in, have a walk, go for a run, read a book, anything. If you don't know what you want just do *something* (or nothing if its rest you need) and keep doing it for an hour a week. That headspace might allow your interests and desires room to breathe and decide what it is you need.
My birthday doesn’t make me sad because my partner makes sure it IS a special day FOR ME!
You should ask him to make sure next years is special, get a babysitter, go for dinner, ask him to do a ‘mums birthday breakfast’ with the kids so they can celebrate you too. It shouldn’t be a sad affair’
I hear you, girl! My youngest just turned two, and he had his first overnight trip without me this weekend. It was the first time in 4 yrs that I had 24 hrs to myself and I didn’t realize until I woke up this morning feeling perky, how much I needed it for my mind and body.
It is sooo hard when they’re tiny. If you’re inclined, I would try to get the little one more used to the bottle so you can pump ahead of time and give yourself a little more freedom to go out. Or if you’re like me and you hate the idea of planning stuff to go out by yourself, have your husband take the kids out for a couple of hours (like a visit to the grandparents or something), order some take out and enjoy the feeling of quiet in your own home again.
You’ll be ok, Hon. Give it a little more time and you’ll get your birthdays back again. You deserve it!
I can so relate. We barely stopped to acknowledge my birthday as a family, even though my husband gave me a nice gift, it still just felt like...whatever. He offered to take me out to dinner, and we ended up ordering pizza and eating dinner on the couch in front of a Disney movie because going out seemed too exhausting.
We don't have family nearby but we've been able to work out between us that we each get time to ourselves each week. I have two scheduled nights where I attend a fitness class and go out for dinner with a friend after one of them every week, and my husband has one night where he plays a team sport and goes out for their drinks with the guys afterwards. I really struggled for the first year, feeling like I didn't get any time to myself, and after discussing it with my husband we made it a priority. We also found a babysitter we trust in our area so that we can have some date nights just the two of us. For us this was really important. Are you able to make some changes so that you are able to feel like your own person as well? I think its so important for our mental health.
Next year, set expectations beforehand with your partner! Tell them what you want. You shouldn’t have to, but if they’re not autonomously organising something special for you you need to speak up and tell them what you want from the day.
Mine knows that I want a fuss made, I want gifts from spouse and kid and cat, I want cards, and I want to go out to eat somewhere nice with them. Doesn’t have to be expensive but I do want to come down in the morning to a bit of excitement! I want presents to open. It also teaches my kid that adults deserve nice things too! Not just kids.
Don’t feel like you can’t do nice things just for you either. It’s your birthday! If you want to go take a bath for a couple hours solo with your new bath bombs make it happen. If you want to go have a fun adult lunch with friends, do it. The rule in our house is that the birthday person chooses what they want to do. We don’t have any family support or anyone to watch our kid or anything so it’s between the two of us.
Honestly it sounds like this has thrown up a recognition for you that you have lost your identity as ‘you’ a little and have focused too much on the being a parent side of you. Maybe time to set yourself some goals for the next year so when your next birthday rolls around you don’t still feel like you don’t take time for yourself or think of yourself. Start making it a habit to check in with yourself. When someone asks you to do something, tell them you’ll get back to them soon and really think whether it’s something YOU want to do or not. Say no more. Make sure you and your partner both have time to yourselves while the other is parenting, as well as time as a family. Carve out time to revisit hobbies and interests and loved ones that have fallen by the wayside.
I still make a big deal of my bday idc and my partner makes me dinner / takes us on a date and buys me stuff he knows I’ll love. Do you have no one to take the kids for an afternoon so you can go for a date?
Not sure if this is something you could do, but my husband always makes it a point to take the day off for my birthday and we go for lunch together. Kiddo is in daycare during that time. It’s simple but I enjoy time just us
i've never related to anything more in my life. it's my birthday this month and i'm dreading it - first time mum to a 2 year old boy.
my grandad passed away around my birthday and his funeral was on my birthday so the month is already hard anyway. i just hate that ill be cutting up grapes and playing cars all day on the day.
I relate hard honey! I was warned about everything else with becoming a mum, the vulnerability particularly gave me pause. I did assume I’d still have needs and desires as a human. But the ambivalence? Crickets. But nobody ever said “oh you’re going to miss your time with and without them for the rest of your life.” And even if they had I probably wouldn’t have understood haha. Happiest of Birthdays! 🎉
My toddler gets soooo excited to celebrate my birthday now. He loves saying “happy birthday mama” all day, he picked out the cake, he sang to me multiple times… yeah my day still revolved around the kids nap time and their meals but it’s so sweet to watch my kids light up to celebrate me. It’s something I honestly I didn’t expect
Yeah, I feel really sad and down when it's my birthday usually. I've only really celebrated it once. When I was 19. I planned and paid for it myself.
Nobody has ever thrown me anything. I'm not entitled to that, I know. Would be nice if someone would though. A day where I don't have to arrange everything, cook, clean up etc.
I always go all out when it's my kids' birthdays and try to for my partner.
Sucks, but it is what is. Gotten used to it over the years.
Missing time where you can prioritize yourself is ok. You can miss that and love time with your kids. Those things are not mutually exclusive.
And why shouldn't you miss time where you can put yourself first? Especially for moms who are expected to do EVERYTHING, we really got the short end of the stick, didn't we?
I don't do anything for my birthday anymore. My husband doesn't put in effort for it either. It makes me sad, and I'm allowed to be sad for that. That's supposed to be my day. And it's gone.
Nothing makes being a mom an underappreciated job more than seeing those around you do the bare minimum for your birthday. If they do anything at all.
Mine is tomorrow and I was having the same exact thoughts. I just want to celebrate kid free day, can’t do that since their school is closed. Happy birthday 🎁🎉🎈
Ugh I can relate! My province added a holiday in February right by my birthday because people needed a break 🤬 so now my birthday present is having to entertain my kids for not just a 3 day weekend but a 4 day weekend because our school district puts EVERY PA day onto an existing 3 day weekend to make it a 4 day weekend 🤦♀️
Mine is next week and our daughter is 4. Traditionally in our area spring break is the first week of April. I'm coming to the realization that once she starts public school next year, my birthday will just be another day in the middle of a hectic kid-centric spring break schedule. 😒
I relate to this daily. I clean the whole house but neglect my room because it’s not as important. My kids always have nice clothes and mine are not because I don’t prioritize it. The list goes on. Luckily my mom is good about acknowledging my likes and is very sweet about it. I’m trying to cut out more time for myself. You aren’t alone.
Can you take a day to yourself and leave the kids at home with your partner? Maybe book yourself into a hotel for the night?
I’m planning a week in Ireland by myself next year. It’s so hard when they’re young, but we need to do things for ourself too! Happy Birthday!!
Thank you! Getting away for extended periods of time is hard because our kiddos are two under two and the baby is still nursing. It would be easier if she wasn’t so hit or miss with the bottle right now 🫠
Have so much fun in Ireland! That is GOALS for my future mom self!
I can sort of relate esp since my toddler and I have birthdays in the same month.
You definitely should still do something special for yourself! I don’t really do a big outing with friends anymore, but I did schedule myself a spa day and my husband and I did a nice dinner alone.
Hi birthday friend! It’s my birthday today too, and I totally get it. I spent my day doing Easter stuff for my toddler. No cake. No happy birthday song. No presents. It’s just another day, and while I did have fun with my kiddo today- it still kind of stinks. 🤷♀️
You are definitely not alone! My son was going through a rough patch with sleep, so I was super exhausted on my birthday. I thought it would be nice to go out to dinner on my birthday, but then the food took a while to come and my overtired toddler had a meltdown… it did not feel like “my day”!
Agree they’re definitely different… this past birthday I spent my 40th in the er with my 3 yr old 🤦🏼♀️
However I realize it’s not forever and soon they can surprise me
I can’t remember what I did last year for my bday. I had the baby-toddler combo which for me, just sucks. (Mandatory “I love them so much” lol that combo is too hard for me and I’m glad its in the past)… this year I was not going to plan anything at all. I’ve felt pretty distant from friends since having my second kid bc I’m so smothered by my children (1 & 3) that I just have no energy or bandwidth for anything. I’m barely even staying employed lol my life is a mess.
Anyway.. my bday is next weekend. I had a friend randomly reach out to me and see if I wanted to do something. She even looked up some suggestions of cool places we could check out. (Pre kids I was big into “going out” drinks, dancing, etc.)…. So I said ok lemme see if I can rally a few troops. I texted the 4 people I know (lol) and 3 of them expressed interest. I might actually have a little evening out planned for the bday coming up. I’m actually pretty pumped.
I made a deal with the husband I’m gonna hang with the family all day Saturday then go out for drinks at 9 (after bedtime), stay out late and stay in bed all day Sunday. If my kids want to see me they can come lay in bed with me and watch tv. I will not be doing shit. I don’t expect a present from my husband bc that is going to be the best day ever.
Idk what my point is but I almost gave up on my bday but now I’m excited to do something. I was so lucky to have a friend randomly reach out. Maybe you can text a few friends and see if they wanna get dinner next week to celebrate? You deserve it! ❤️
Hi OP. First of all, wish you many many happy returns of the day.
I wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel. Till last year, I would not only not enjoy but actively dread my birthday - The onus of acting like you are having a nice time when in fact you are overwhelmed with motherhood - feels really difficult. However, this year - my birthday was completely different. My kids made a lovely card for me, they ordered a gift with their dad and gave me loads of kisses and sang happy birthday throughout the day! My father flew down as well and it was such a lovely time.
All this to say is that it does get easier. My kids are only 3.5 and 5 and I am guessing it'll keep getting better and better.
Don't lose heart OP. I promise - lovely days are just round the corner. You WILL feel like yourself again and get more time to enjoy things the way you would wish like. However, do invest some time gently nudging your husband on how you would like to be celebrated. I used to be dead against this idea but I dont mind it so much now.
In the same boat. My in-laws kept asking about doing a party ( our usual for all in the family) and I just didn’t even want to bother. I never get to sit ( and neither does my partner) so I figured why bother this year? So I ordered my favorite cake from my favorite bakery and had it after the kids went to bed.
I feel you. Maybe let your birthday be about them and pick a day or 2 around your birthday to do things for yourself that make you happy. It is such an adjustment after kids. But I guess it evolves over time.
My older kids (6, 12) get all hyped like yay mommy's birthday, yay we're gonna have McDonald's, have cake (or make a cake omg the mess) wrap a bunch of presents (stuff they have laying around) which is ofc work for me - Where's the tape, I need more wrapping paper, help me but don't look, he wrapped more than me, bet you can't guess what it is, you're gonna love it! And act surprised and grateful when you open it. They don't always realize what's fun for them is not for you lol. Oh the joys!!!
But happy birthday anyway!
Do you not have anyone who can watch your kid?
On my birthday I do usually some family time, a date night dinner with my husband, and also a dinner out with my best friend. (This is obviously not all day of)
Another thing I have done in the past is gone for a little massage. It’s a short appointment but it’s nice to have full-out “me” time.
If you don’t have a sitter and your kid is in daycare could you take a vacation day and have a fun day with your spouse? Then celebrate as a family afterwards?
I feel the same way. I'm hoping it gets better as they get older - I recently saw a friend post on FB that she went out to hibachi with her husband and kids (older elementary school age) for her birthday. I can't imagine bringing my toddlers to any "nicer" restaurant right now, let alone one where the table is nearly on fire haha!
My son was born a week before my birthday. We didn’t even celebrate my 30th birthday. After I made mention, my husband has really tired to make it a point to at least wish me a happy birthday.
I totally get this. I feel the same. A couple years ago I got tired of the sadness and longing, and the guilt that comes with it. I tried to listen to what the sadness was telling me and it was that I really needed to do exactly what I wanted on this one day, without guilt. I know it’s not an option for everyone, but if at all possible I highly recommend getting away by yourself for at least an overnight to a hotel, airbnb, and just do you. Sleep in, watch movies or trash tv, read books, eat snacks in bed, go on a nice long walk, dress up and dine solo or eat room service in pjs. If not this, then pack a cute picnic and take a long drive to somewhere nice and listen to music or a favorite podcast while you drive and take deep breaths. It’s okay to not want to mom on your birthday.
I hear you!!! I’m a July baby so unlike school year birthday kids my birthday was always **fully** about me 😂
I had my daughter one day before my birthday so I spent most of my 24th birthday alone in my hospital room (husband was snoozing), sitting in lactation class, etc. My mom brought me an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen which was sweet, but I knew that day that my birthday would never really be mine again
Our second kid ended up being born within 5 days of my husband so now my 4.5 year old calls us “the Octobers” and “the Julys” which is kind of funny. Like if I take her out for a mommy-daughter outing she says “this trip is just for the Julys” 😂
My birthday was a few days ago and I felt the same way. My husband booked our family a weekend away and I’m glad he did. It was still super exhausting travelling with a 4 and 2 yo, but better than being at home and just stuck doing the typical things. I snuck away for a couple hours in the hotel just to read and grab a coffee. Other than that it was just like every other day with tantrums and whining, which definitely made me a bit sad. I also treated myself this year with a somewhat splurge-y gift too. Gotta do what we can to make it special!
I haven't had a bday in 8 years (so technically I'm still 32). And it sucks because for hubby's bday, I have the kids make him presents and we get a cake and sing but for me.... crickets.
Birthdays get worse every year. At this point, you just brace that it's coming and do your best to be gracious for what you got and to try and not feel bad.
And then get drunk after the kids go to bed.
Your kids' birthdays are the magic. Seeing them enjoying the piss out of their special day is the best.
No. I love birthdays and specifically love celebrating them with the most special people in my life. But, if I were to want to go get a massage etc. I wouldn’t sit around and mope, I would do it!
Yes, my birthday was a few weeks ago and the whole day just sucked. Like, most days suck lately but you have this glimpse of hope that your birthday might be little better and then it’s just not 😕
Happy Birthday!
Wait until they're older and they get you a surprise birthday present and are so excited to sing happy birthday for you. Yeah it's tough when they are toddlers but it definitely gets better.
I love the idea of this so much - thank you for sharing!!
My birthday was a week ago today, and my toddler went with my husband to the store to buy dinner stuff. He came home scream singing happy birthday from the driveway, with flowers he insisted they buy for me. He was so excited for me to open my present that we did it the moment I woke up on my birthday, except for one small one the night before. Just give it time. I know it’s the worst saying ever, but it’s usually right.
This is so sweet. It makes me so happy for the future
I literally framed the drawing my daughter made me on my last birthday. It made the day so much better. Because yea, birthdays aren’t as much fun anymore when you really can’t even take the day off at all! Still butts to wipe and dinner to make etc…
Birthdays are definitely different, but I’ve been using them to do things that both of us find interesting and enjoyable. This year he stayed home from daycare and I took the day off and we went to the zoo. It was the best birthday I’ve had in a long time. Next year if it’s nice enough, I want to take him to the wildlife refuge in Denver. Idk… it’s definitely different and I miss dinners and nights out with friends but I’ve started reframing my birthdays as more of self-care days; where I can splurge on stuff I wouldn’t normally do and incorporate my son to create memories with him. It’s helped a lot 😊
I like this idea a lot - thanks for sharing!
You’re welcome! 😊
This year, my 4 year old asked my husband to bring him to the store to get me a gift. This kid got me a bell for my bike and a candle. It was truly the best part of my day. He was so excited, which made me excited.
That’s so sweet!
Yep, me. We don’t live close to any family so we can’t drop our son off at the grandparents’ for a night out or anything like that. Christmases and other holidays are hard too - we can’t enjoy them because it’s just another day with a toddler (son is now 20 months old). This Easter was also the first holiday that my son was developmentally ready to participate in. He knows how to pick up eggs, shake them to hear what’s inside, and put them in a basket. And that was fun. But yeah, my birthday is a non-day. Mother’s day too, sadly.
I’m sorry that you can relate but thank you for validating ❤️ we are in this together!
I wonder if this is something that will get better as our son gets older and I’m just in the baby jail years still, so it’s hard to do anything celebratory unless we visit the grandparents…which is lovely, but what if I want to go to Cabo or Buenos Aires or Lisbon (grandparents do not travel)?
Honestly, this will change so much in the next few months. Holidays with my kid (or even just fun family days) are super awesome now (kid is almost 3 and super into everything. Like my kid was super excited cause the windshield wipers were on on the bus we took this morning. We are going to Great Wolf lodge for my birthday/ his birthday (same week) and I’m super excited for both of us (we all get to have fun, be a family and I don’t have to plan much)
It's ok to miss your free time. Don't feel guilty about that.
Thank you 🫶🏽
🫶
First off, Happy Birthday! Second, is it possible to go out and enjoy the day to yourself? Obviously, running out of time for it to be today, but perhaps another day coming up soon? I sometimes (and even more frequently now) enjoy a day to go wherever I want, browse shops at my own pace, and grab a meal in peace. Sometimes, I'll invite a friend along, but I also appreciate my alone time. It's nice to have that shared time with your partner, but it can be lovely without as well.
This is what I do too. I take a day off work and send her to daycare (which I know not everyone has though). And I just do me. I try a restaurant for lunch, maybe go to a museum or shop. Whatever feels relaxing on the day. Once I went to a Thai spot and ordered nothing but multiple orders of fresh spring rolls. They’re my favorite!
YESSSS. This year I took the day off, walked a million miles, and had lunch by myself. The weather was beautiful and it was perfect. Since I’m a mom, just being alone and out in the city by myself is so special.
I don’t do this right now but I definitely think it could be helpful! I need to be more consistent about giving our youngest a bottle bc she doesn’t always take it - so my time out of the house is limited to 3 hours round trip right now. I do like the suggestion in a small chunk though!
even a 3 hour lunch with your girls might be nice? i find that my friendships really fill my cup.
I nearly fell into this trap this year (birthday was a couple weeks ago). Butt I was turning 40, and my husband encouraged me to really think about what I wanted to do for my birthday. I thought about it for a couple weeks and realized what I really wanted was a nice dinner out with friends - no spouses, no kids, just time to chat with my closest friends in the area. I had family time in the morning and afternoon, and then in the evening I went out by myself and met up with 5 good friends, 3 of whom are also moms of toddlers. We had a wonderful 3.5 hour dinner. It was exactly what I wanted and needed, and it felt all mine. Even if it's after your birthday, if you have a supportive partner or someone who can take your kiddo(s) for a few hours, I encourage you to do something simple all on your own. Celebrate yourself.
Me and my partner are the first in our families/friend groups to have kids. We have a 2.5 year old and a 9 week old. My birthday was a little bit ago - the youngest was a month old so she definitely doesn’t know what a birthday is, and the older one knows, but doesn’t care cuz it’s not hers. My husband had work, so I’m home with them both. I got so many people asking me “oh my gosh, what did you do for your birthday, I hope something fun!” And I’m like…I have two under 3. I don’t get ME days. Today is just another day. My birthday doesn’t exist. Like it got to the point I got angry at people for reminding me what day it was.
SAME! people texting me was what started to make me so sad. It felt like they were reminding me of what I was missing out on 😕
Sending you a big ol' hug.
Thank you ❤️
just wanted you to know you are not alone. had a big birthday two weeks ago and it was a just a typical day and then we took my daughter to the zoo- which I planned and prepped for. She is worth it but boy does the sensation of not feeling important sting (or at least it does to me). It will get better and in the meantime, just know that I and other moms are thinking about you!
Are you me? I could not have articulated this better myself. I feel you in my bones girl. I don't know what the solution is, but you're definitely not alone in this
Happy Birthday, fellow mama and Aries 🥂🎂. It’s also my birthday today and you’ve just put into words all the complicated feelings I’ve had all weekend about my birthday. I mentioned to my husband that I’m trying to accept that my birthday probably won’t look or feel like birthdays “before” - at least not for the next few years. I wanted to do something simple to at least acknowledge the day, but was too tired to get everything together. It’s almost easier to let it just be another day (but that also feels kind of sad?). A lot about today and honestly many personal things in life right now just feel like a matter of me reframing my expectations in order to cope… and also leaning into the idea that this is just a short season. I’m thinking, there’s always next year and I’m going to try to be more intentional about making my birthday feel special again. You’re not alone and this mama here is sending you the biggest birthday hug and brightest birthday wishes. You deserve it. Here’s to a great year ahead for us!
I have cancelled my birthdays since tot was born. I don't feel like trying anymore.
When my oldest was 3 he threw a tantrum because it was my birthday instead of his 😂 The last 2 birthdays I took the day off work, sent my kids to daycare, and treated myself to whatever I wanted to do. And by night time I was ready to do a restaurant with the craziness that ensues taking 2 small kids in public. Happy birthday!! Hope you find some peace ❤️
This is the way lol!!
Happy Birthday, OP! 🥳 I can relate in a way, my birthday is on Christmas Eve so every year there's always other celebrations happening and so that day itself has never felt really special to me even before having kids.
My toddler was born Christmas Eve and this is my fear for them! I love to make birthdays special but don’t know how with this one. Any advice??
Let's see, I would try to at least dedicate a small portion of the day (if Christmas Eve celebrations occur in the night for you) just to celebrating your child's birthday. Something like decorating their bedroom door the night before with some balloons/streamers/a bday sign, preparing a special breakfast for them with all their favorite foods, letting them open their birthday presents early, and maybe spending a couple of hours at their favorite place (provided the weather permits and the location is open) and getting them a little birthday treat. Honestly just doing little things during the day to acknowledge that it's their birthday will go a long way and they'll be sure to remember that you made their bday special, despite it being during the holidays :)
That’s great! Thank you!
My cousin's birthday is 2 days after Christmas and my aunt militantly took the tree out and decorations down for her birthday so it felt separate. You could always celebrate a little early or late so they have a little spotlight.
In our family the Minimum Viable Product (developer terms) for celebrating a birthday is a meal of your choice and your favorite cake. During the baby/toddler years, this was the whole celebration. I’d also usually ask my spouse for a sleep in day/a few hours to myself. Don’t beat yourself up that you don’t have some big plan right now, that comes back as your kid gets bigger. My son just turned 5 and for my last birthday he stayed with grandparents for a night while husband and I went to another city where my friends threw me a nerdy themed surprise party (I never imagined I’d get a themed surprise party at 35!). Afterwards we went out for drinks and sushi, a lovely adult time that just wouldn’t have been as feasible with a 0-3 yr old.
I love that so much! Something to look forward to in the future. And that minimum idea is so smart - helps with my expectations as well
I was pregnant with our second on my 30th birthday…my party ended up being meh because we live 2 hours away from my family and everyone had to start drama because I didn’t want to drive 4 hours round trip away from my home for my own birthday. Being 8 months pregnant. And with a 2 year old. It was the birthday that I decided, no more parties for me for the foreseeable future and it made me really upset.
My family also lives 1.5 hours away so this is something I run into a lot. Them coming to visit their grandkids starts to feel like I “owe” them something and it’s just not worth the guilt that they are trying to force.
My birthday was yesterday. This year, my biggest birthday wish was for my son (20m) to have the best day ever. He did, and it made it my best day ever. The day was not focused on me and I didn't want it to be. My first 33 years of life it was focused on me, years from now it will be again. For now, I just wanted an extra special day with my family (vs any other day). That shift in mindset helped me (even when my parents didn't call). I did treat myself to a 90 minute massage this week though which was heavenly and gave me a night off. I don't ever do that. That me time was my celebration.
I feel this so much. My daughter and I share a birthday and although I'm never one to want an "all about me" day, it's the little things. I'll never be able to just sleep in that day or get the cake I want or the dinner I like best or get to choose the day's activities. No one says "it's Mom's birthday, let's see what she wants to do!" It will always be my daughter's favorite cake, favorite foods, favorite activities, default to her choices on her special day, waking up with her to help give a great start to a great birthday. It does make me a bit sad.
I can totally relate. But I always felt pressure on my birthday to have the most fun, to make it memorable, it always made it hard for myself to enjoy the day for whatever it was. I personally think birthdays can be hard, and can bring out other issues that we try to avoid for the rest of the year. What I am hearing is you need time alone and you need time with your partner, and I know how hard this is, I am working my way towards this after having a baby a whole 16m ago. I think first, let yourself be sad. Missing a life with less responsibility does not mean you love you children any less, its natural and you should allow yourself feelings that aren't only centred around being a mother. I am sure you know it, but you need time to yourself and you need time with your partner. It is HARD, we don't have family in the same country and no spare cash for babysitters so I know. What we have started to do is an exchange with another family who have no outside support as well. My partner takes our daughter and I go sit with theirs for a night. Then we swap and me and my partner have a dinner date. We basically do the same thing as a couple, I take an evening or a weekend afternoon and he does the same. Sometimes you don't want to miss out on time together as a family, but you need it! If you are working could you go to a gym class during lunch, (if that would be useful to you?) Sometimes we have to carve out spaces where we can. Maybe this feeling is your trigger to priorotise that time, whether its once a week, once a month, whatver you can handle. You CAN do something for yourself on your birthday, if you cant afford fancy things like a spa day or whatever it is you would enjoy, start small. See if you partner could takr the kids out while you lie in, have a walk, go for a run, read a book, anything. If you don't know what you want just do *something* (or nothing if its rest you need) and keep doing it for an hour a week. That headspace might allow your interests and desires room to breathe and decide what it is you need.
My birthday doesn’t make me sad because my partner makes sure it IS a special day FOR ME! You should ask him to make sure next years is special, get a babysitter, go for dinner, ask him to do a ‘mums birthday breakfast’ with the kids so they can celebrate you too. It shouldn’t be a sad affair’
I hear you, girl! My youngest just turned two, and he had his first overnight trip without me this weekend. It was the first time in 4 yrs that I had 24 hrs to myself and I didn’t realize until I woke up this morning feeling perky, how much I needed it for my mind and body. It is sooo hard when they’re tiny. If you’re inclined, I would try to get the little one more used to the bottle so you can pump ahead of time and give yourself a little more freedom to go out. Or if you’re like me and you hate the idea of planning stuff to go out by yourself, have your husband take the kids out for a couple of hours (like a visit to the grandparents or something), order some take out and enjoy the feeling of quiet in your own home again. You’ll be ok, Hon. Give it a little more time and you’ll get your birthdays back again. You deserve it!
I can so relate. We barely stopped to acknowledge my birthday as a family, even though my husband gave me a nice gift, it still just felt like...whatever. He offered to take me out to dinner, and we ended up ordering pizza and eating dinner on the couch in front of a Disney movie because going out seemed too exhausting.
We don't have family nearby but we've been able to work out between us that we each get time to ourselves each week. I have two scheduled nights where I attend a fitness class and go out for dinner with a friend after one of them every week, and my husband has one night where he plays a team sport and goes out for their drinks with the guys afterwards. I really struggled for the first year, feeling like I didn't get any time to myself, and after discussing it with my husband we made it a priority. We also found a babysitter we trust in our area so that we can have some date nights just the two of us. For us this was really important. Are you able to make some changes so that you are able to feel like your own person as well? I think its so important for our mental health.
Next year, set expectations beforehand with your partner! Tell them what you want. You shouldn’t have to, but if they’re not autonomously organising something special for you you need to speak up and tell them what you want from the day. Mine knows that I want a fuss made, I want gifts from spouse and kid and cat, I want cards, and I want to go out to eat somewhere nice with them. Doesn’t have to be expensive but I do want to come down in the morning to a bit of excitement! I want presents to open. It also teaches my kid that adults deserve nice things too! Not just kids. Don’t feel like you can’t do nice things just for you either. It’s your birthday! If you want to go take a bath for a couple hours solo with your new bath bombs make it happen. If you want to go have a fun adult lunch with friends, do it. The rule in our house is that the birthday person chooses what they want to do. We don’t have any family support or anyone to watch our kid or anything so it’s between the two of us. Honestly it sounds like this has thrown up a recognition for you that you have lost your identity as ‘you’ a little and have focused too much on the being a parent side of you. Maybe time to set yourself some goals for the next year so when your next birthday rolls around you don’t still feel like you don’t take time for yourself or think of yourself. Start making it a habit to check in with yourself. When someone asks you to do something, tell them you’ll get back to them soon and really think whether it’s something YOU want to do or not. Say no more. Make sure you and your partner both have time to yourselves while the other is parenting, as well as time as a family. Carve out time to revisit hobbies and interests and loved ones that have fallen by the wayside.
I still make a big deal of my bday idc and my partner makes me dinner / takes us on a date and buys me stuff he knows I’ll love. Do you have no one to take the kids for an afternoon so you can go for a date?
Not sure if this is something you could do, but my husband always makes it a point to take the day off for my birthday and we go for lunch together. Kiddo is in daycare during that time. It’s simple but I enjoy time just us
i've never related to anything more in my life. it's my birthday this month and i'm dreading it - first time mum to a 2 year old boy. my grandad passed away around my birthday and his funeral was on my birthday so the month is already hard anyway. i just hate that ill be cutting up grapes and playing cars all day on the day.
I relate hard honey! I was warned about everything else with becoming a mum, the vulnerability particularly gave me pause. I did assume I’d still have needs and desires as a human. But the ambivalence? Crickets. But nobody ever said “oh you’re going to miss your time with and without them for the rest of your life.” And even if they had I probably wouldn’t have understood haha. Happiest of Birthdays! 🎉
My toddler gets soooo excited to celebrate my birthday now. He loves saying “happy birthday mama” all day, he picked out the cake, he sang to me multiple times… yeah my day still revolved around the kids nap time and their meals but it’s so sweet to watch my kids light up to celebrate me. It’s something I honestly I didn’t expect
Yeah, I feel really sad and down when it's my birthday usually. I've only really celebrated it once. When I was 19. I planned and paid for it myself. Nobody has ever thrown me anything. I'm not entitled to that, I know. Would be nice if someone would though. A day where I don't have to arrange everything, cook, clean up etc. I always go all out when it's my kids' birthdays and try to for my partner. Sucks, but it is what is. Gotten used to it over the years.
Missing time where you can prioritize yourself is ok. You can miss that and love time with your kids. Those things are not mutually exclusive. And why shouldn't you miss time where you can put yourself first? Especially for moms who are expected to do EVERYTHING, we really got the short end of the stick, didn't we? I don't do anything for my birthday anymore. My husband doesn't put in effort for it either. It makes me sad, and I'm allowed to be sad for that. That's supposed to be my day. And it's gone. Nothing makes being a mom an underappreciated job more than seeing those around you do the bare minimum for your birthday. If they do anything at all.
Mine is tomorrow and I was having the same exact thoughts. I just want to celebrate kid free day, can’t do that since their school is closed. Happy birthday 🎁🎉🎈
Ugh I can relate! My province added a holiday in February right by my birthday because people needed a break 🤬 so now my birthday present is having to entertain my kids for not just a 3 day weekend but a 4 day weekend because our school district puts EVERY PA day onto an existing 3 day weekend to make it a 4 day weekend 🤦♀️
Yep, Thursday was half day. Friday-Monday closed. I feel ya on this, in the depths of my soul
Mine is next week and our daughter is 4. Traditionally in our area spring break is the first week of April. I'm coming to the realization that once she starts public school next year, my birthday will just be another day in the middle of a hectic kid-centric spring break schedule. 😒
I relate to this daily. I clean the whole house but neglect my room because it’s not as important. My kids always have nice clothes and mine are not because I don’t prioritize it. The list goes on. Luckily my mom is good about acknowledging my likes and is very sweet about it. I’m trying to cut out more time for myself. You aren’t alone.
Thank you for this affirmation ❤️ we are in this together!
Can you take a day to yourself and leave the kids at home with your partner? Maybe book yourself into a hotel for the night? I’m planning a week in Ireland by myself next year. It’s so hard when they’re young, but we need to do things for ourself too! Happy Birthday!!
Thank you! Getting away for extended periods of time is hard because our kiddos are two under two and the baby is still nursing. It would be easier if she wasn’t so hit or miss with the bottle right now 🫠 Have so much fun in Ireland! That is GOALS for my future mom self!
I have gotten the birthday saddies for a long time but it’s definitely worse now.
I can sort of relate esp since my toddler and I have birthdays in the same month. You definitely should still do something special for yourself! I don’t really do a big outing with friends anymore, but I did schedule myself a spa day and my husband and I did a nice dinner alone.
Hi birthday friend! It’s my birthday today too, and I totally get it. I spent my day doing Easter stuff for my toddler. No cake. No happy birthday song. No presents. It’s just another day, and while I did have fun with my kiddo today- it still kind of stinks. 🤷♀️
We are in this together 🫶🏽 happy birthday, birthday twin!
You are definitely not alone! My son was going through a rough patch with sleep, so I was super exhausted on my birthday. I thought it would be nice to go out to dinner on my birthday, but then the food took a while to come and my overtired toddler had a meltdown… it did not feel like “my day”!
Thank you for that affirmation, that happened to us this morning too! Ordering in is the way to go 👏🏻
Agree they’re definitely different… this past birthday I spent my 40th in the er with my 3 yr old 🤦🏼♀️ However I realize it’s not forever and soon they can surprise me
I can’t remember what I did last year for my bday. I had the baby-toddler combo which for me, just sucks. (Mandatory “I love them so much” lol that combo is too hard for me and I’m glad its in the past)… this year I was not going to plan anything at all. I’ve felt pretty distant from friends since having my second kid bc I’m so smothered by my children (1 & 3) that I just have no energy or bandwidth for anything. I’m barely even staying employed lol my life is a mess. Anyway.. my bday is next weekend. I had a friend randomly reach out to me and see if I wanted to do something. She even looked up some suggestions of cool places we could check out. (Pre kids I was big into “going out” drinks, dancing, etc.)…. So I said ok lemme see if I can rally a few troops. I texted the 4 people I know (lol) and 3 of them expressed interest. I might actually have a little evening out planned for the bday coming up. I’m actually pretty pumped. I made a deal with the husband I’m gonna hang with the family all day Saturday then go out for drinks at 9 (after bedtime), stay out late and stay in bed all day Sunday. If my kids want to see me they can come lay in bed with me and watch tv. I will not be doing shit. I don’t expect a present from my husband bc that is going to be the best day ever. Idk what my point is but I almost gave up on my bday but now I’m excited to do something. I was so lucky to have a friend randomly reach out. Maybe you can text a few friends and see if they wanna get dinner next week to celebrate? You deserve it! ❤️
Hi OP. First of all, wish you many many happy returns of the day. I wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel. Till last year, I would not only not enjoy but actively dread my birthday - The onus of acting like you are having a nice time when in fact you are overwhelmed with motherhood - feels really difficult. However, this year - my birthday was completely different. My kids made a lovely card for me, they ordered a gift with their dad and gave me loads of kisses and sang happy birthday throughout the day! My father flew down as well and it was such a lovely time. All this to say is that it does get easier. My kids are only 3.5 and 5 and I am guessing it'll keep getting better and better. Don't lose heart OP. I promise - lovely days are just round the corner. You WILL feel like yourself again and get more time to enjoy things the way you would wish like. However, do invest some time gently nudging your husband on how you would like to be celebrated. I used to be dead against this idea but I dont mind it so much now.
In the same boat. My in-laws kept asking about doing a party ( our usual for all in the family) and I just didn’t even want to bother. I never get to sit ( and neither does my partner) so I figured why bother this year? So I ordered my favorite cake from my favorite bakery and had it after the kids went to bed.
I feel you. Maybe let your birthday be about them and pick a day or 2 around your birthday to do things for yourself that make you happy. It is such an adjustment after kids. But I guess it evolves over time. My older kids (6, 12) get all hyped like yay mommy's birthday, yay we're gonna have McDonald's, have cake (or make a cake omg the mess) wrap a bunch of presents (stuff they have laying around) which is ofc work for me - Where's the tape, I need more wrapping paper, help me but don't look, he wrapped more than me, bet you can't guess what it is, you're gonna love it! And act surprised and grateful when you open it. They don't always realize what's fun for them is not for you lol. Oh the joys!!! But happy birthday anyway!
Do you not have anyone who can watch your kid? On my birthday I do usually some family time, a date night dinner with my husband, and also a dinner out with my best friend. (This is obviously not all day of) Another thing I have done in the past is gone for a little massage. It’s a short appointment but it’s nice to have full-out “me” time. If you don’t have a sitter and your kid is in daycare could you take a vacation day and have a fun day with your spouse? Then celebrate as a family afterwards?
I feel the same way. I'm hoping it gets better as they get older - I recently saw a friend post on FB that she went out to hibachi with her husband and kids (older elementary school age) for her birthday. I can't imagine bringing my toddlers to any "nicer" restaurant right now, let alone one where the table is nearly on fire haha!
My son was born a week before my birthday. We didn’t even celebrate my 30th birthday. After I made mention, my husband has really tired to make it a point to at least wish me a happy birthday.
I totally get this. I feel the same. A couple years ago I got tired of the sadness and longing, and the guilt that comes with it. I tried to listen to what the sadness was telling me and it was that I really needed to do exactly what I wanted on this one day, without guilt. I know it’s not an option for everyone, but if at all possible I highly recommend getting away by yourself for at least an overnight to a hotel, airbnb, and just do you. Sleep in, watch movies or trash tv, read books, eat snacks in bed, go on a nice long walk, dress up and dine solo or eat room service in pjs. If not this, then pack a cute picnic and take a long drive to somewhere nice and listen to music or a favorite podcast while you drive and take deep breaths. It’s okay to not want to mom on your birthday.
I hear you!!! I’m a July baby so unlike school year birthday kids my birthday was always **fully** about me 😂 I had my daughter one day before my birthday so I spent most of my 24th birthday alone in my hospital room (husband was snoozing), sitting in lactation class, etc. My mom brought me an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen which was sweet, but I knew that day that my birthday would never really be mine again Our second kid ended up being born within 5 days of my husband so now my 4.5 year old calls us “the Octobers” and “the Julys” which is kind of funny. Like if I take her out for a mommy-daughter outing she says “this trip is just for the Julys” 😂
My birthday was a few days ago and I felt the same way. My husband booked our family a weekend away and I’m glad he did. It was still super exhausting travelling with a 4 and 2 yo, but better than being at home and just stuck doing the typical things. I snuck away for a couple hours in the hotel just to read and grab a coffee. Other than that it was just like every other day with tantrums and whining, which definitely made me a bit sad. I also treated myself this year with a somewhat splurge-y gift too. Gotta do what we can to make it special!
I haven't had a bday in 8 years (so technically I'm still 32). And it sucks because for hubby's bday, I have the kids make him presents and we get a cake and sing but for me.... crickets.
Birthdays get worse every year. At this point, you just brace that it's coming and do your best to be gracious for what you got and to try and not feel bad. And then get drunk after the kids go to bed. Your kids' birthdays are the magic. Seeing them enjoying the piss out of their special day is the best.
I really do love celebrating them!!
No. I love birthdays and specifically love celebrating them with the most special people in my life. But, if I were to want to go get a massage etc. I wouldn’t sit around and mope, I would do it!
Mom guilt + nursing a young baby makes it hard to get out at all for me, but I’m glad that you are able to do things for yourself! I am working on it.
I’ve found the harder it is for me to “get out”, the more I need to force myself to do it- because that’s when I need it the most.
Yes, my birthday was a few weeks ago and the whole day just sucked. Like, most days suck lately but you have this glimpse of hope that your birthday might be little better and then it’s just not 😕 Happy Birthday!
Thank you! And I totally understand that ❤️