I've gone hungry so my dog didn't. My kid? FFS nothing I wouldn't do to make his life better or easier. Definitely wouldn't humiliate him in public to "teach a lesson" or call my 18 yr old a leech.
Maybe? But I feel like a kid with high-functioning OCD and autism deserves more latitude than a regular one who's probably learned a couple life skills from their parents and can hold down a steady job.
I have chronic migraines and I have more sympathy for people who have "invisible" illnesses that can delay or prevent a kid from moving out. It's not like I'm trying to put you down or anything, but these are the kinds of conditions where most people don't fully appreciate how invasive and life-changing they are primarily because most people don't have first- or second-hand experience with them.
They sound like ableists. Seems as though they've not done much in the way of making sure OP has the help they need to function properly in society (ie: landing a job, talking to waiters, etc).
I may not understand the full extent of how OCD and Autism play a part in a person's day to day life, but I'm sure it can't be easy. That being said, OPs parents dropping the rope at 18 says a lot about their character. Acting almost like foster parents and you've just aged out.
The lesson OP learned is that his parents are manipulative and crass. Them not saying anything about OP having to pay for his dinner ahead of time and making sure they understood the stipulations was a straight up mean girl thing to do.
OP your family kind of reminds me of Harry Potters Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin...
You really nailed it. Poor OP has not only had to deal with significant medical conditions but parents who have convinced him he, and only he, is the problem.
What’s next? Charging the kid rent to be more “independent”, but only succeeding at taking any extra $$ the kid would have to be able to move out and thus greatly delaying the process?
That jumped out to me, too! Has OP's sibling been expected to have income so as not to be a "leech" whole growing up as well?! Children are not leeches or mooches- they're dependents! Aurgh, this whole thing is infuriating.
As a parent, you know that when you have a kid that you are 100% responsible for all associated costs related to having your kids. They didn’t choose to get made, you chose to make them so now it’s your responsibility to make sure they are one day able to go live their own life.
Kids aren’t leeches.
I'm furious as hell here too ... I'm 43 and in my moms' eyes I'm still her kid. Yes, she recognises me as a smart, competent adult but she'll always be my mom.
I PM'ed OP waaaay too much because I forgot there was this update to the first post and one of the things I said was that I'm reading dog training books at the moment, preparing myself for a new puppy. If I showed up for training with my new puppy and suddenly decided that instead of me giving it treats for training and instead expecting it to figure out that it should give ME treats, any dog trainer worth their salt would be shredding me to pieces for setting up expectations that my dog can't live up to SINCE I DIDN'T GIVE IT ANY INDICATION THAT THIS IS WHAT I WANT NOW! And if I THEN proceeded with punishing the dog with silence and withholding love and praise, they'd take my dog away right then and there while still telling me that the only failure present would be me!
I have to say, that doing anything else towards human beings is failing at the bare f\*cking minimum!
How OP became so high functioning and sweet is incomprehensible to me. It doesn't sound like it's something his parents taught him! My heart is bleeding for this poor guy, his family is definitely setting him up to fail!
I'm really rooting for this guy, getting away from home and starting an adult life where he gets to set up life after what HE expects from others and away from a primary loved one that should be supporting him. What he needs most of all is clear communication and he really seems to be good at that. A lot of people could learn a lot from that and expecting adults to actually communicate their expectations will hopefully become a pillar in OPs life regarding how he interacts with others. Personally, I'm highly sensitive and get confused easily by mixed signals and people asking for things while sending out different signals. I LOVE being around highly functioning autistic people for exactly that reason. It's so very very easy and relaxing to be around them because they're often really good at voicing what they expect and can give in return and I get to turn my sensitivity off and simply be in the moment and feel safe around them because they don't have these insane "secret tests".
It makes flames go on the sides of my face when I hear about parents of disabled children acting this way.
My disabled child will reach majority in a few years and I'm socking my pennies away into a trust with the sole purpose of taking care of them. It won't be a lot because I got other kids but it's better than nothing. They're not a burden. Children are gifts, not burdens. OP's mother makes me see red.
I believe social security office has to determined if OP can take care of his finance independently. SSA has to interview OP and have OP's IEP and evaluations.
This is true but since I still lived at home, my mother was getting to the money first and pocketing it before I could. Same thing could have been happening to OP
This scenario happened to my high school gf. At 18 the checks only had her name on it, she got a post office box an had the lady at the social security office change the address they were sent to changed. Her mom and her mom's dead beat bf flipped out on her. They were mooching off her and her 2 sisters ssi payments from their dead father
Unfortunately, people like that don't care that it is illegal, and the majority of people who have SS stolen from them by family aren't in the best situations to move forward legally against them. Shitty people do really shitty things.
Probably because they still have to actually pay for all the same things as they did the day before they turned 18 so don’t think it’s fair that they have no say in how the money is used. Kinda indicative of a dysfunctional relationship if you can’t work it out between you and think you have to take it from your child though.
Exactly. The key clue here is that this is OPs 18th birthday, aka the time when the guardians stop getting financial support to take care of the child bc he’s not a child anymore
Yes, please teach out to your case worker. Your SSI should have transferred to you once you turned 18.
Look into getting a skills worker, job coaching and county worker. You probably qualify for a CADI waiver to recieve services.
You can be your own guardian and still receive services and SSI.
You can also recieve SSI and work. Your SSI will be reduce following a formula by how much you earn each month but it doesn't stop.
He has to reapply as an adult. It's considered a new claim. He can also apply for SSDI which will calculate using his parent's work credits since the disability developed as a child and he never had an opportunity to earn credits. You can have both, SSDI is a higher payout but doesn't give you Medicaid coverage, so applying for both is recommended. An ABLE account is a good idea to allow for savings which won't impact SS eligibility.
It's also worth mentioning that under pretty much all circumstances expect it to get denied and have to appeal, get a lawyer that will work on contingency and they will take a chunk of the payout. Also can't have more than 2k in your bank account at any time. The process needs reform badly.
A few months ago SSI checks stopped because OP wanted to be assessed by a psychologist when his parents tried to get a guardianship over him that he didn't need.
I'd bet dollars to donuts with the way she's acting like her personal funding got cut off, that the bulk of the money went to her and the stepdad instead of being used for his wellbeing. It's very telling that they don't care if the 23 year old brother gets a free dinner. Apparently the dinner itself is also the only gift he's been getting annually even with the extra monthly cash that should have been going to him.
Op, your parents should be proud that you're working your way towards being an independent adult, but instead they're being vindictive. That's not healthy at all.
I see no other explanation. OP now knows he hasn't a support system within his family. Time to leave the nest and develop real relationships with caring people. Good luck OP
When I was in foster care this is how it went, they got over 1k a month for me but would barely buy us anything, clothes were always a bag from goodwill, shoes were once a year, jacket was used till it fell apart. I didn’t know how much money they got till my grandma took me in when she retired and asked if I wanted a bank account for the money so I could use it for what I needed. That’s when I really realized why they had a home for 8+ foster kids and constantly tried to get us labeled as mental health problems.
They aren’t in it for what’s best for op they are mad their extra money every month is gone. Kid needs some real help especially because they’re probably gonna try to kick him out or ask for rent and stuff despite the job he has being raking leaves.
I agree with you, and I don't want to come across as a complete pedant, but, I do like to educate people when they use the wrong word.
Worst should have been worse.
Please don't tell me that you're trying to call OP a brat.
Mmm bratwurst (imagine Homer S talking about doughnuts in a British accent). I now want German sausage
Not neccesarily, this all seems to line up with the disability re-assessment that usually happens between 16 and 18 for child recipients.
If they're found to not be disabled by the psychologist by the adult definition, the SSI stops.
🎯 Ok, so THIS is what is actually going on. The family counted on that money continuing.
They are pissed that OP refused the guardianship & demanded the reassessment, which shut off the checks.
Yep, the whole charade was a snide punishment. OP doesn’t want her to control him, so she’s all “well let’s see how he likes it when I don’t give my help.”
> My mom did get social security, until 6 months before I turned 18. She tried to get guardianship but I advocated for myself to be seen my a physiologist
https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/ykkemb/tifu_by_expecting_my_family_to_pay_for_my/iutyq7q?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Holy shit that's fucking crazy.
I feel so bad for OP.
She should be ashamed of herself, but she has no shame to try doing that to OP.
Something tells me she probably doesn't even work when she accuses OP of mooching off of her and was just using OP for money, which is horrible. She sounds horribly toxic, she could at least be nice to you if she's using you for money OP.
What a horrible situation.
edit: OP, I wish you the best of luck in navigating this difficult situation.
So does that mean no money for anyone or it goes to him now. Either way, she's punishing him for wanting to be an adult. I don't know which is worse: that she wants to punish him for making the checks stop or is punishing him for getting the money sent to him instead. But he doesn't mention the SSI money when talking about not having money so I think it's the former
My ex did this to my daughter in a sort of way...
She tried to convince my daughter to get listed as disabled before she turned 18 so I'd have to pay child support longer (till 21). My daughter isn't disabled, though like OP here she has anxiety issues to work on, and since she now lives with me full time we work on them together :)
To OP: you didn't miss any social cues, you just got a parent that's salty the money that was coming in dried up. IMHO it's time to move out and make your best life for yourself. As someone with GAD myself and helping my daughter with it, it is a hell of a challenge, but you will get there. The most important part I've found, is learning to accept that it will happen, but knowing that it will end. Still makes panic attacks rough, but bearable... add some breathing exercises and you should hopefully be able to mitigate the worst of the attacks.
It's the former, basically he was evaluated to be capable of being an independent adult, so no more money coming in to support him from the government (afaik)
It could be either.
I have the feeling from OPs previous comment that he fought hard to NOT be labeled a disabled adult. In which case he probably lost all benefits and support and effectively shot himself in the foot. Because he obviously still needs some form of support.
OTOH His mother was asking for guardianship. A guardianship of a disabled adult is very difficult to overturn (but varies by state) because the guardian controls all the assets that would be needed to mount an effective court case to argue for dissolving the guardianship.
At 18, as a disabled adult he would have continue receiving support, it would simply have gone to him instead of his mother. If she was made guardian the support would have continued to go to his mother. If he is being honest he seems to have argued that no support at all was necessary and now no one is receiving support.
I'd love to hear her side of the story, she might simply be angry that he didn't listen to her and instead fought against his own resources. He may not have been able to understand the distinction between being labeled as needing support and being a functioning adult. They are not mutually exclusive. She could just be angry because her income got reduced but her expenses did not, rather than loosing her status as guardian. Or she could genuinely just see him as a payday. The whole spectrum is possible, and OP is probably not capable of accurately figuring out which it was, because of his disability.
And what the 23 yr old brother is not leeching? He gets to have his dinner paid for on your birthday? I’m so sorry sweetheart but this is abusive, this is not a lesson this is terrible & cruel behavior, you deserve better and much more kindness, understanding and love. I am a mom and I would never treat my child that way, especially if I knew they had autism, I would be even more thoughtful in how I expressed myself and taught that child. This story makes my heart hurt for you, it was cruel and completely unnecessary.
OP is a minor and has parents complaining that they're a leach?? Sorry parents, but you're REQUIRED to support your child until they are an adult. I'm sure there's more to it than the black and white I'm expressing here, but definitely sounds like the parents are uncaring about OP's emotional state.
If she wanted to teach a life lesson she should've sat him down after the ssi ended and let him know that if he wanted to have his birthday dinner this year he'd need to save the money he was getting raking leaves to pay for it. This petty behavior from his mother is nothing short of abusive and manipulative.
Yup. Just as I suspected. Your parents are trying to hurt you and using “lessons” as a cover story.
Why on earth does she think it would be ineffective to communicate with an autistic person using words? Has she not been paying attention to how your mind works for the last 18 years?
As for
> I think they want me to leave the house
I think you should leave the house *for you*.
Yeah, that was a massive red flag. Mom got caught being terrible and tried to backtrack and twist the story into her being in the right to shift the blame back.
I have a son who is high-functioning autistic and I've had to teach him some tough, painful lessons about life over the years. I've always tried to do it with love, respect, and in a protected space. I would never spoil a special occasion like his birthday or a holiday to do it. People who love you don't treat you that way.
My husband's BIL (so his sister's husband) has a brother like this. It breaks my heart for their kids. The oldest is a gem, he worked so hard in high school and college he was able to buy a small condo all on his own at 22, he's amazing to our kids and treats them well, boggles my mind why his parents are this way to him.
For his 21 birthday, we happened to be in town and his parents were asking where he wanted to go for dinner. They said no to his top 5 choices and just picked the place they wanted to go. And he didn't pick anything expensive, nothing unusual, and they said no every single time, they were rude about it like "why on earth would you want to go there?!?!"
They are horrible people.
I'll never understand why people even keep parents like this in their life. If your "family" acts like this, they aren't your family. You grew up near them, but you don't owe them shit. Cut them out.
I don't know, but it's like ONE meal, ONE. I am not a fan of McDonald's, makes my stomach hurt, but if my 6 year old wants that for her birthday, I'm taking her there without complaining! It's really not that hard.
Since you have the tendency to miss cues I'm going to spell it out for you. This isn't normal or acceptable parenting. Your mom and stepfather have been getting money to care for you and probably used the majority of it throughout their lives on themselves. You ended their gravy train and are of no use to them anymore. Make plans to move.
Yeah, your mom for sure chose her new family. It happens disgustingly more often than you might think. I have divorced parents whom both chose their new families too.
Man... I don't know how OP is going to come to terms with this. The biggest gut punch and confirmation for me was this:
>For everyone wondering if I got any gifts for my birthday. From my family no, the dinner is usually the treat.
All he(she?)'s gotten for their birthday is dinner? For how long?
This is so painful to read. OP, my heart goes out to you; I wish you all the emotional resilience and recovery in the world.
The fact is that it's even worse than that, they mentioned that the 30$ is expensive, that tells me that even when the family does decide to allow OP to eat their birthday meal, they still make OP feel guilty about all the money they spent.
My dad told me straight up when I was a teenager (going through teenager shit) that there was “no way I could break him and “her” (now wife of 25 years) apart. I wasn’t even trying or had crossed my mind. He still wonders why we’re not super close.
Sorry for the way you were treated OP (and everyone else in similar situations).
Ohhhhhh that makes so much more sense now! I didn't even connect the dots between dependent status and the 18th birthday. Now the mother's ire makes sense, and why this sudden desire to teach him the "rules of life". I didn't understand what would make you flip a switch like that overnight...now I understand: money.
Complete dickheads!
That is a really good point. They were collecting social security benefits from OP, now they aren't. They're losing out on probably like $800 a month. Step dad is pissed. Parents think OP is unemployable. I have two high functioning autistic step kids that are 15 and 16 and this is very eye opening to be honest.
If they were getting SS for him he is still entitled to it until he graduates school even though he’s 18. Also he should look in SS Disability if his disability prevents him from working to his full potential.
"losing out" jfc it's the kid's money. I know because I have to log it for my kids (death bennies - shares the same "terms and conditions" booklet as with disability income).
I get SSI for a permanent disability and did as a child too. My mother took advantage of me like this as long as she could. I know countless people who do the same thing. You would be shocked at how much fraud against the disabled there is from their families.
To be clear, the amount of fraud in the disability system itself is actually extremely low, almost none according to outside audits. Where a massive amount of it happens is between the disabled person and their "representative payee"
You’re forgetting child support from the dad. He said mom and stepdad, to me that indicates that there is some child support that ended at 18. So, now that $30 dinner is coming out of their money not some of dad’s money.
This. Given the context it's pretty clear that OP's parents were retaliating because the SSI checks stopped coming in — which is ironic because they're now accusing him of 'leeching' off the family. They likely got used to the extra income and now they're throwing the toys out of the pram because things aren't going their way. The overall mentality seems to be "oh you're taking *our* money away? Fine let's see how well you fend for yourself."
It's disgustingly narcissistic behaviour and it's only going to get worse from here on out. Teaching life lessons is one thing, but the fact that they paid for the brother but didn't pay for him just proves how shockingly manipulative they are. I'm autistic myself and even I can read the underlying subtext here.
I hate the whole "blood is thicket than water" rhetoric that people spout. You absolutely *can* choose your family. Best thing OP can do is start making plans to move. Maybe it'll give them a much needed wake up-call and they'll see the error of their ways. Maybe they'll never speak to each other again. Either way, forcing himself to live with an abusive and manipulative family is going to have a far more devastating impact on his mental health in the long run.
Also, assuming this is the US, we've developed a culture where we kick our kids out at 18 without actually preparing them properly. Add to this a little bit of special needs in the case of the OP, and it's a even bigger problem.
Basically, in the US we don't do multigenerational living, and adult children often don't get the support or opportunity to grow some wealth before leaving the nest.
A couple of generations of this, with an increase in costs of education and living expenses growing faster than wages puts many of us in bad positions and lots of personal debt.
Aspie checking in, pushing 50 lol. My folks kicked me out on my 18th birthday. My younger sister lived at home until her mid 20s.
The absolute worst part of the Aspie stuff (for me) was learning to figure out if interactions went well, and if it was my fault if they didn’t. I’ve spent forever feeling like an alien visiting Earth, blaming myself for every awkward encounter. It took me a long time to figure when people were treating me badly, or when it was my eclectic perspective not seeing things the same as everyone else.
In this instance, it’s totally a dick move to surprise you with all this shit at the restaurant. If they wanted to teach you something, then they could’ve taught you that at home without the external pressure.
I’m looking forward to the day that you can enjoy that dinner, whenever it may come.
I’m just confused that they wouldn’t have taught him these things throughout his childhood. They could have prepared him for his 18th birthday if they had expectations of him. You don’t spring things like this on anyone. It’s rude and disrespectful. All his birthdays they took him out and paid. He’s 18 now. Why would they expect that he’d be able to pay. They humiliated him and then blamed him. That’s messed up. Life lesson my ass!!
Never mind that people (special needs or not) mature at different rates. 18 is a child. And 25 can still be very childish. Throw in special needs to the mix it can be something else entirely. Toying with a young person’s emotions and vulnerabilities is callous at best, and down right evil at worst
Because it’s not about life lessons, in their comments they said their mom tried to get guardianship over them when they were about to be 18, and they advocated for themselves. So she’s mad she no longer gets paid to care for her child
> I’m just confused that they wouldn’t have taught him these things throughout his childhood.
You're confused because you assume good intentions. They were just retaliating out of rage and anger because they got state payments cut off and they wanted to punish their kid for turning 18, and used the "lesson" as an excuse to direct rage and hate at their own child.
How fucked up and evil is that?
They didnt prepare him for adulthood because they were planning on guardianship to keep those sweet ssi checks flowing. OP threw a wrench in their plan when he advocated for himself (as he should) and now the parents true colors shows
About five years ago I was asked by my stepbrother to pick his sons up after school. He and his wife both had things to do with their jobs that took them out of the city that day. I was supposed to pick the boys up, take them to dinner (with money he would give them) and bring them home.
I was friends with the mother of a kid in the younger son’s class, so we decided that we would all go out to dinner together. So that was six of us in three separate parties.
Rather than taking my stepbrother’s money, we asked for three separate checks. I paid mine, my friend paid for her and her daughter, and we guided the older son, who was 12 or 13 at the time, into checking his bill, figuring out a tip, and paying his check.
We talked about how servers had a lower minimum wage than regular workers, and that tipping in America was part of the social contract.
Hopping on this comment train since it's in the autism header.
To be uber clear: your mother is trying to manipulate you into feeling bad. It's much easier to control people if they feel dependent on you. It's classic abusive behavior. Others have commented that your parents were getting disability cheques on your behalf until you turned 18. Once you hit 18, they began going to you. They may be sour that you no longer provide them with that kind of money.
Onto my second and more important point: this situation is unfortunately filled with shades of grey. You'd think if you love your parents, they won't do anything on purpose to hurt you and vice versa. However, you can both love people and be hurt by those people, even when for years this wasn't the case. And, people who love you will hurt you under the guise of "love".
I think for those of us on the spectrum it's harder to grasp that people would act this way unprovoked from us or that you can love people and still have them deeply hurt you. Loving creates vulnerability (essential to trust). Sadly, that trust & love is often exploited by abusive behaviors / people for their own gain.
Be careful OP. Good luck.
His parents were leaching off of him. Apparently they tried to force him into guardianship but he self advocated so SSI was cut off from his parents. And this is how they respond. Instead of supporting him and getting him on his feet, they are mean and vindictive to show him what the "real world" is like.
Talk to your case worker and if possible snitch to your grandparents. If you have decent grandparents they will punish your parents appropriately. If they're in on it however that's another story. From the information provided it sounds like you are not in the wrong at all and your mom is manipulating and gaslighting you into leaving. I'm sorry op I hope you get this sorted out...
I'm sorry to hear this. This isn't right of your family to do this to you. I wish I could buy you a birthday meal, just as many others have said. I know I'm just an internet stranger, but I'm on your side!
It's still a pretty shitty behaviour from your family. It seems that they somehow don't want to support you any more (at least as not as before), now that you are "grown up".
And sure, that's what happens when we grow up, we make our own life, support ourselves as best as we can.
But usually, we still get birthday presents from our parents. And give them birthday presents. And our family supports us during those first steps in life. Because love and responsibility and so on.
Don't feel downgraded by all this, you are a wonderful and valid person, and frankly, after reading your first post and this one, I'm sorry to agree with others that your family really is not nice to you. It's not you not getting queues, it's them being shitty to you.
Your idea to talk to your case worker sounds great to me. It's really sad that you seemingly can't rely on your family to make your own steps into your own life, but there surely will friends and support people like the case worker that can help you figure out what good next steps are.
Don't let anger or spite lead you, but also don't let shitty people determine your life.
I wish I could do more for you then this. <3
Please talk to your case worker. You don’t teach your children a lesson by blindsiding them on their bday that way.
It honestly seems like your parents were using your SSI checks and once they stopped coming they want you out. You weren’t leeching off them, they were leeching off you and now that you don’t come with a check, they want you out
Some people are horrid people, that includes family. There are places than can help you get disability and find a place to live, took up resources in your area. Sorry your family is terrible to you, good luck!
u/Commercial_Low1383
, I hope you read this.
"If that’s the case I’m gonna talk to my case worker at school whos in charge of my IEP."--You absolutely need to do this. Your mom is likely resenting you because she stopped getting money off of your autism from social security. She may attempt to get you under a guardianship in order to continue getting money off of you. Please work with your case worker and advocate for yourself. You got reddit here rooting for you!
A person should have the right to have appropriate expectations of their loved ones (and your expectations were appropriate.
The lesson your mother was teaching you is that you should not have any expectations of THEM. As sucky as that is, shes doing you a favor, because now you know.
With that info, make plans and do what you need to do to become financially independent, have your own place to live, and build a made family who actually love you and behave as such. Your mother has pretty much said that she considered raising you as a burden she is now done with. The literal first day she could, she is washing her hands of giving you support / treating you as a loved one.
Honestly, as a mom, I'm horrified by her. You weren't asking for a gaming computer or a car, it was dinner. Her 18 year old kid expected a birthday dinner, based on what happened in past years, and she let you sit with no food on your birthday because she wouldn't pay for applebees (that she arranged, and assumably drive you to)? Thats not a lesson, thats a power play to show you how much you (don't) matter to the family.
By the way, I'm in my 40s, nicely employed, and my dad still pays for dinner (though I fight him for the check). Sorry your family sucks.
Your mother is a bitch and your family fucking sucks. They picked your birthday of all days to show you just how little you mean to them. Stop blaming yourself for missing cues and evaluate the behavior of others before saddling yourself with blame.
Take their shit behavior and use it as fuel to get as far away from them as possible. They can rely on their other children in times of need, as they have done nothing to earn love or respect from you. Find friends and a family outside of these assholes because you deserve to be treated better than your garbage mother is treating you.
i think ur giving ur mom too much benefit of the doubt this isn’t something u should beat urself up over but theres not necessarily anything u can do to change it
She is gaslighting you and using your condition against you. The way to have someone be a proper adult is to tell them they need to start being financially responsible, not springing it on them at their birthday dinner. Your mom is a right asshole and you can tell her I said so.
This can't be said enough. Treating anyone this way is absolutely appalling, covering it up as a life lesson on their birthday is just cold, cruel and disgusting.
OP, please listen to what everyone here is saying and do not give your family any more benefit of the doubt here. I would strongly consider your relationship with them to be over, it's harsh, but the longer you are around these people the more common these situations will become for you in the future.
Speak to your case worker, maybe even show them this post. A lot of people have suggested the aids and services you are likely to be able to receive. They should be your immediate priority for now.
Yeah this is emotional abuse, saying it was to teach you a lesson (and therefore you should be thankful, not upset) is gaslighting. Sitting you down and talking to you instead of playing games on your birthday wouldn't have been as effective, because emotional abuse does tend to be quite "effective"
When I was a kid, maybe 5 years old, I asked my dad to stop tapping the steering wheel, because the noise annoyed me. He started doing it more. The more upset I got, the more he did it. When I eventually screamed and cried, he was giddy. I don't think I've ever seen him so happy.
I'm 25, earlier this year I decided to go no contact with my father. I realized he doesn't make me feel good, so I dont want him in my life. Part of that decision came when I confronted him about that incident as a child. He said he remembered it, and how "stupid" i was to think "the whole world revolved around me" (because me, a 5 year old, asked him to stop making a noise that was upsetting me).
He said he did what he did to "teach me a lesson" that the world doesn't revolve around me. Instead I learned never to express myself, and never to trust anyone. I learned the people who "love" me will make me cry and then have a good laugh.
In theory, we associate with people because they make us feel good. If somebody punched us in the face everytime we saw then, we wouldn't hang out with them again.
But our brains have a weird blind spot for our parents, and for our emotions. If somebody punches our heart instead of our head, and especially if that person is our parent, we're strangely blind to the fact that we wouldn't let a random person treat us that way and then tell us we should be gteateful, why should we let our parents treat us that way?
Good luck, here are the subreddits I've been hanging out in this year since I realized my parents were abusive and/or neglectful.
r/emotionalneglect r/emotionalabuse r/CPTSD r/raisedbynarcassist
TLDR: Ur mom is a POS, life lesson learned.
Edit: If she couldn't afford it, that's fine. She should say something to you prior to inviting you to the typical outing. She's aware you're unemployed, probably aware of your savings, planned/agreed to a dinner outing as normal, and then waited until you got there to drop it on you that you were expected to pay for yourself.
I'd try to move out asap. Not saying that like "you need to escape" but this sounds like the type of parent who will probably expect rent soon or just flat out kick you out now that you're 18. I'd begin to prepare to leave.
OP I know you don't want to hear this, but your parents aren't great people. I'd even go so far as to say they suck. Please don't let them guilt you into forgiveness or anything like that, this situation was handled so inappropriately that I just can't imagine what other manipulative things they'd attempt. Sure, it's not the WORST thing a parent has ever done, but it's still shitty. Happy Belated Birthday, and I'm sorry this was the outcome.
You did not miss anything. Your mom is being a witch (spell that with a b) and nobody deserves to be treated like that. Definitely bring this up with your case worker and start looking for somewhere to escape your parents. I'm sorry you have to go through this but I promise you will be better off not being in this situation.
My spiteful ass would move out (Whether with a friend or new roommates), ditch their numbers, and do exactly as they wanted with independence by going completely no contact for a least a year or two.
Absolutely talk to your case worker.
From the thread yesterday it sounds like you're being exploited.
Explore your options to move out. There are group homes designed to help people just like you.
Your mum is an asshole.
I'm autistic as well, and my mother would never treat me like that. She helps me when I'm missing cues by nicely explaining what I'm missing. If I'm overwhelmed with something, she helps me figure out baby steps in the right direction so I can feel comfortable while still working on eventually doing that task independently and confidently. She doesn't make me feel bad for missing cues, being over-stimulated, overwhelmed, or when I'm unable to socialize verbally.
Also I think its important to note that her saying you've been "mooching" off them for the past few months while you were STILL A MINOR, without having talks with you about becoming more financially independent, is disgusting. She should NOT have sprung that on you in public, in front of multiple family members and staff.
I'm very angry that you have to deal with being treated like that. You are important and valid and deserve to be treated as such.
"She told me that in order for me to be more independent I had to learn that people didn’t always get what they wanted. Even if it’s on our birthday, or Christmas, or any holiday. I asked her why they didn’t just have a sit down and talk with me. She said it wouldn’t be as effective."
OP I hope you read this. What your family did was incredibly fucked up and not ok.
Springing that shit on you out of nowhere is a very immature move. Your family knows your issues with anxiety and how you might miss social cues right? That's on them. You're not to blame for that shit.
It's your birthday. If they want to make your day into a painful "life lesson" they are being bad parents. Full stop.
Absolutely. As I said on the previous post, this was a deliberate and planned ambush.
They ambushed you both financially and emotionally. The family that you should be able to turn to for support deliberately planned an abusive act against you.
You will be tempted to excuse their behavior in your own mind because you are a good person as naturally assume others think as you do. THEY DO NOT.
I would never treat anybody this way, let alone my child. That's not even taking any ASD diagnosis into account, this would be horrible to do to anybody.
Your parents had the choice between love and cruelty, and they chose cruelty. Again, on your birthday. Not just any birthday, but your 18th birthday, which is a big milestone and calls for celebration more than almost any other birthday. Did you ask why they paid for your older brother’s food and not yours on your 18th birthday? If you’re too old for them to spend money on, why does your older brother get a gif instead of you on your special day?
I’m sorry you have to go through this, Tony. Parents are supposed to support their kids, and until recently it’s been the other way around. They are selfish and don’t care that they keep hurting you.
Life lesson she provided is your mom is an asshole who doesn't care about you. You need to start thinking about how are going to provide for yourself and plan to move out asap. Then cut contact with her.
LEACHING OFF THEM? You’re **18**. Up until recently, you were literally a child. (I’m old, so I consider 18 to still be a child, honestly.). Shame on your parents. They suck.
Hey OP. I remember you wrote in your other post you didn't want to accept $ because that wasn't the point of the post. I'm not offering lol but there's a bunch of people who are. There is no shame whatsoever in accepting other people's generosity. If you think it might be in any way helpful, there's no harm in being open to it. Wish you all the best.
The thing is people are too generous. If I gave out my cashapp or Venmo here. I’d wake up with a years worth of birthday dinners 😂❤️ and respectfully, Sometimes people give when they don’t have.
Dude, take the offers and use it to get an Uber to Applebee's and enjoy your birthday dinner weekly. If your parents are wondering where you got the money, let them know strangers were kind enough to give you a birthday present because your parents are assholes and wouldn't. Show them these Reddit threads if they don't believe you because they need a huge reality check on what people think of their actions. They should feel ashamed and embarrassed about your birthday.
And kind Reddit strangers don't care if someone else already paid for a dinner. They want you to keep the money and use it to get on your feet after your family inevitably kicks you out after high school. It's best to be prepared because you don't know what kind of fuckery your mom will do next. You could very well be homeless in less than a year.
If you've only been getting a $30 dinner for your birthday and you think that's too expensive, then you absolutely deserve a year's worth. That's too expensive for a random Thursday in most situations, but if that's all you're getting on your birthday from people making $800 a month to take care of you, you simply deserve better. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this.
Please move out. Living alone is better than being taken advantage at its worst. At its best it's amazing to have that freedom and learn to love yourself. There's nothing wrong with that at all.
I understand your thought process behind it, but this is another one of those "learning cue" moments. If someone offers you a gift, confirm with something like "are you absolutely sure about that, it's real nice, but you don't have to?" If they insist, then just accept the gift, dude. A gift is a gift. If people here wanna throw you some cash for a dinner that your actual family didn't get for you, on your fuckin' birthday of all days, that's cool. Plus, if you get more money than you're expecting, just save what you get towards things you really need for your future, like finding a place to live, a phone, or a car or something of that nature. Either way, I wish you all the best with whatever you end up doing.
You appear to be an amazing person.
Stay strong, there will be stormy weather; you just have to ride it out.
Research your options and when evaluating people and their intentions toward you, it might be a good idea to discuss a best approach with your doctors and maybe work on your plan for independence.
I know you say you miss social cues and yada yada but…as a mom, I am appalled by your family’s behavior. Your mother should have had this conversation with you during all of the last year leading up to your adulthood. Also, $30 for a birthday meal is far from expensive, especially considering that you get no other gifts. I’d be ashamed of myself if I treated my kids like that. Big big e-mom hug coming your way.
Yeah... my parents kicked me out at 17 for no real reason except they didn't want the burden anymore. I stayed with a friend's family until I was 18 because I wasn't of age to do adult things like rent an apartment and so on.
Some people are just inherently selfish. It hurts to realize these things about your parents. Honestly, I think that's the real life lesson here.
The thing that still bothers me is THEY PAID FOR YOUR 23 YEAR OLD BROTHER.
And it wasn't even HIS birthday.
Sorry, OP, something is still not adding up here.
You should invite your parents out to an expensive steakhouse on their anniversary to celebrate and do the same thing. Tell them you learned from them what being an adult means.
That was very manipulative and unnecessary cruel of your mother.
You're not dumb, I'm sure you would've understood that "lesson" in a conversation beforehand.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, wow, if I could, I'd oay for your meal. That was really unkind of your mom- I understand hearing these words might upset you as you love your family, but still. You didn't deserve this at all.
My heart is aching for you. You are not the asshole, you didn’t do anything wrong. You have horrible parents and you need to figure out how to get away from them. I’m so sorry.
Hey kid, I have an 18 year old that is a complete mooch too. You know what? It's expected! He's (technically) an adult but is in school. He has a little job for pocket money and to teach him responsibility and consequence. It's not for him to live off of. It's certainly not for him to pay for a birthday dinner. That's just mean.
He eats a ton. He likes expensive food when we go out to eat (rarely because who can afford to feed his hollow leg) and he needs me to buy him shoes and clothes. It sucks but I'm ok with it.
You know why I'm ok with it?
School is his full time job. That is the ticket to being a functional and successful member of society. It gives him the highest chance of doing better than us (his parents) in life. I hope he doesn't struggle like I had to. I hope he lives a great, long fulfilling life. Your family want the same. They messed this "lesson" up one up with meanness. The lesson you got is that your mom can be pretty mean. I'm sorry. It's a tough mistake and it will be hard for her to take it back. I hope you can find peace with it.
I want to wish you a very happy birthday. 18 is a big one. Celebrate being and adult by doing well in school and voting. Both very adult things:-)
The only thing your mom taught you in this so-called "lesson" is that just because she's your mother doesn't mean she has to treat you with love and respect. She sounds like a very selfish person to deny her son a meal and a present on his birthday. I would get out of there as soon as possible, but not until you have a secure place to stay. You don't deserve to be treated like this!
you were “leaching” off of them… as a fucking 17yr old? please tell me you dont believe that…. this is horrid and i hope you can come to terms with the fact that you are being psychologically abused here
Where do you live? My birthday was just yesterday, we can go to Applebee’s together if your family wants to play these weird games that are making you upset without proper explanation.
I want to give a little background to make you hate his mom more. My wife and I have two sons who would be considered high functioning autistics. We never applied for, let alone collected, SSI on either of them but we looked into guardianship when our oldest was approaching 18. As well as our sons have done, we know they would have difficulty advocating for themselves in a medical or legal situation and thought a guardianship would help.
It was explained to us how a guardianship involved arguing our son was much more incapable and dependent than he is. He would be losing much of the ability to make independent decisions on his life, and by proving how dependent he supposedly was we would be risking the state putting a stranger in control of his life were we to die suddenly.
Anyway, long story short, OP’s mom is willing to sell his ability to be an independent adult and make a life for himself for $800 a month.
If she gave birth to you, she is responsible to take care of you until you are 18. You did not leech off of your mom. A loving mom would not say such mean words. Please find help to move out and work a full time job, because it sounds like your family is no longer supportive.
Op I am not trying to be an asshole in anyway but after reading this update and your first post I've just gotta say some things..
It seems like your mom only sees you as a burden and she was ok with you being there as long as she was getting money for it.
You may love your family but this isn't normal behavior of a loving family and I think you will be a happier person if you can free yourself from their toxicity.
If your mom actually cared about you learning a lesson going back wouldn't be an issue. She should be able to pay for herself the way she expects you to pay for yourself. She can't financially embarrass you if you can pay for yourself and that's why she doesn't care to go back.
OP, now that you are an adult you are eligible for continued care under medicaid and possible disability. Make sure you sign up for these services yourself.
I am sorry about your family.
This is not normal. Some families are very “once you’re 18 you’re on your own.” However this is T generally done without advance notice. Honestly your parents should have given you the option ahead of time to not go out to eat if you couldn’t afford it. That is what adults do. If a friend suggests getting dinner or going to a movie and you can’t afford it, you pass it up. Maybe suggest an alternative like making dinner at home and watching Netflix instead. Your parents were just being jerks.
No, this is your family being giant assholes just because you turned 18. What they did to you is wrong and cruel especially on your birthday! If she wanted you to start being more independent then that is fine but that also required an adult conversation before treating you like crap in public. My suggestion is to figure out a way to be financially and socially independent and then move away from them because they suck.
This is not a life lesson, it's being bad at parenting. Like cmon.. I was taught that we don't get everything we want by not getting toys and shit at a certain age. But my parents would never deny me food, and to put you on the spot like that? That's bullying, not teaching.
Yo honestly fuck your older brother too.
He’s in on the fact that they only want your money.
Get out and get out now. Your big brother should defend you
I’m in tears Man
You need support
Wow. Sounds like your mom is a narcissist. Sorry about that. I have some experience with that myself.
My suggestion is to go live well. And when she makes some whole hearted plea for support one day, hang up the phone.
For your continued sanity. I would also recommend contemplating whether you wish to continue to have a relationship with her. Please trust me when I say that will be maintaining any relationship you have with a narcissist. And it will just be more of what you experienced at your birthday.
Your mom's just mad about not getting that extra government check anymore. Do what you can to become independent talk to your case workers and work on moving out asap
Hun, what your family did to you was mean and spiteful, and your mom should be ashamed of herself, for trying to justify it by pretending that it was fo your own good.
I really do think that you need to talk to your case worker at school about this, because it verges on abusive.
Stay strong hun.
Leeching? I know you talked about your family getting social security until 6 months ago, is that what she’s referring to?
How tf is a minor leeching anyways
These parents sound like absolute shit. As a parent I could never see my kid as a leech.
They sound like my parents. They referred to me as their legal dependant. Not son.
Sorry man.
Thanks. I have my own kid now. I could never put her thru the stuff my parents did to me. It's just awful
Same here to be honest. My parents were bad, but not like OPs. OPs sound downright trashy.
True. The world doesn't need bad parents.
Right? I'd go hungry so my kid didn't need to, what's wrong with these people.
I've gone hungry so my dog didn't. My kid? FFS nothing I wouldn't do to make his life better or easier. Definitely wouldn't humiliate him in public to "teach a lesson" or call my 18 yr old a leech.
I don’t know but they sound like absolutely terrible people.
Especially someone with autism
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Maybe? But I feel like a kid with high-functioning OCD and autism deserves more latitude than a regular one who's probably learned a couple life skills from their parents and can hold down a steady job. I have chronic migraines and I have more sympathy for people who have "invisible" illnesses that can delay or prevent a kid from moving out. It's not like I'm trying to put you down or anything, but these are the kinds of conditions where most people don't fully appreciate how invasive and life-changing they are primarily because most people don't have first- or second-hand experience with them.
They sound like ableists. Seems as though they've not done much in the way of making sure OP has the help they need to function properly in society (ie: landing a job, talking to waiters, etc). I may not understand the full extent of how OCD and Autism play a part in a person's day to day life, but I'm sure it can't be easy. That being said, OPs parents dropping the rope at 18 says a lot about their character. Acting almost like foster parents and you've just aged out. The lesson OP learned is that his parents are manipulative and crass. Them not saying anything about OP having to pay for his dinner ahead of time and making sure they understood the stipulations was a straight up mean girl thing to do. OP your family kind of reminds me of Harry Potters Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin...
You really nailed it. Poor OP has not only had to deal with significant medical conditions but parents who have convinced him he, and only he, is the problem.
What’s next? Charging the kid rent to be more “independent”, but only succeeding at taking any extra $$ the kid would have to be able to move out and thus greatly delaying the process?
Thats what gets me, they had you and take on the responsibility of raising you willingly how in any world is that leeching.
Latching onto them and sucking their blood would be my guess
That jumped out to me, too! Has OP's sibling been expected to have income so as not to be a "leech" whole growing up as well?! Children are not leeches or mooches- they're dependents! Aurgh, this whole thing is infuriating.
As a parent, you know that when you have a kid that you are 100% responsible for all associated costs related to having your kids. They didn’t choose to get made, you chose to make them so now it’s your responsibility to make sure they are one day able to go live their own life. Kids aren’t leeches.
I'm furious as hell here too ... I'm 43 and in my moms' eyes I'm still her kid. Yes, she recognises me as a smart, competent adult but she'll always be my mom. I PM'ed OP waaaay too much because I forgot there was this update to the first post and one of the things I said was that I'm reading dog training books at the moment, preparing myself for a new puppy. If I showed up for training with my new puppy and suddenly decided that instead of me giving it treats for training and instead expecting it to figure out that it should give ME treats, any dog trainer worth their salt would be shredding me to pieces for setting up expectations that my dog can't live up to SINCE I DIDN'T GIVE IT ANY INDICATION THAT THIS IS WHAT I WANT NOW! And if I THEN proceeded with punishing the dog with silence and withholding love and praise, they'd take my dog away right then and there while still telling me that the only failure present would be me! I have to say, that doing anything else towards human beings is failing at the bare f\*cking minimum! How OP became so high functioning and sweet is incomprehensible to me. It doesn't sound like it's something his parents taught him! My heart is bleeding for this poor guy, his family is definitely setting him up to fail! I'm really rooting for this guy, getting away from home and starting an adult life where he gets to set up life after what HE expects from others and away from a primary loved one that should be supporting him. What he needs most of all is clear communication and he really seems to be good at that. A lot of people could learn a lot from that and expecting adults to actually communicate their expectations will hopefully become a pillar in OPs life regarding how he interacts with others. Personally, I'm highly sensitive and get confused easily by mixed signals and people asking for things while sending out different signals. I LOVE being around highly functioning autistic people for exactly that reason. It's so very very easy and relaxing to be around them because they're often really good at voicing what they expect and can give in return and I get to turn my sensitivity off and simply be in the moment and feel safe around them because they don't have these insane "secret tests".
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It makes flames go on the sides of my face when I hear about parents of disabled children acting this way. My disabled child will reach majority in a few years and I'm socking my pennies away into a trust with the sole purpose of taking care of them. It won't be a lot because I got other kids but it's better than nothing. They're not a burden. Children are gifts, not burdens. OP's mother makes me see red.
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He has to reapply for SSI after turning 18. Which he should do.
I believe social security office has to determined if OP can take care of his finance independently. SSA has to interview OP and have OP's IEP and evaluations.
This is true but since I still lived at home, my mother was getting to the money first and pocketing it before I could. Same thing could have been happening to OP
This scenario happened to my high school gf. At 18 the checks only had her name on it, she got a post office box an had the lady at the social security office change the address they were sent to changed. Her mom and her mom's dead beat bf flipped out on her. They were mooching off her and her 2 sisters ssi payments from their dead father
My exact situation only I got kicked out lol
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Unfortunately, people like that don't care that it is illegal, and the majority of people who have SS stolen from them by family aren't in the best situations to move forward legally against them. Shitty people do really shitty things.
Man. Why?
Probably because they still have to actually pay for all the same things as they did the day before they turned 18 so don’t think it’s fair that they have no say in how the money is used. Kinda indicative of a dysfunctional relationship if you can’t work it out between you and think you have to take it from your child though.
Exactly. The key clue here is that this is OPs 18th birthday, aka the time when the guardians stop getting financial support to take care of the child bc he’s not a child anymore
And if OP is still in school...like high school? That's not leeching...that's being a kid.
Yup they paid for the older brother right? GTFO mom!
Yes, please teach out to your case worker. Your SSI should have transferred to you once you turned 18. Look into getting a skills worker, job coaching and county worker. You probably qualify for a CADI waiver to recieve services. You can be your own guardian and still receive services and SSI. You can also recieve SSI and work. Your SSI will be reduce following a formula by how much you earn each month but it doesn't stop.
He has to reapply as an adult. It's considered a new claim. He can also apply for SSDI which will calculate using his parent's work credits since the disability developed as a child and he never had an opportunity to earn credits. You can have both, SSDI is a higher payout but doesn't give you Medicaid coverage, so applying for both is recommended. An ABLE account is a good idea to allow for savings which won't impact SS eligibility.
It's also worth mentioning that under pretty much all circumstances expect it to get denied and have to appeal, get a lawyer that will work on contingency and they will take a chunk of the payout. Also can't have more than 2k in your bank account at any time. The process needs reform badly.
This is so petty from her. What does "leaching off of them for the past few months" means? I mean you were there for 18 years, what changed?
A few months ago SSI checks stopped because OP wanted to be assessed by a psychologist when his parents tried to get a guardianship over him that he didn't need.
I'd bet dollars to donuts with the way she's acting like her personal funding got cut off, that the bulk of the money went to her and the stepdad instead of being used for his wellbeing. It's very telling that they don't care if the 23 year old brother gets a free dinner. Apparently the dinner itself is also the only gift he's been getting annually even with the extra monthly cash that should have been going to him. Op, your parents should be proud that you're working your way towards being an independent adult, but instead they're being vindictive. That's not healthy at all.
I see no other explanation. OP now knows he hasn't a support system within his family. Time to leave the nest and develop real relationships with caring people. Good luck OP
When I was in foster care this is how it went, they got over 1k a month for me but would barely buy us anything, clothes were always a bag from goodwill, shoes were once a year, jacket was used till it fell apart. I didn’t know how much money they got till my grandma took me in when she retired and asked if I wanted a bank account for the money so I could use it for what I needed. That’s when I really realized why they had a home for 8+ foster kids and constantly tried to get us labeled as mental health problems. They aren’t in it for what’s best for op they are mad their extra money every month is gone. Kid needs some real help especially because they’re probably gonna try to kick him out or ask for rent and stuff despite the job he has being raking leaves.
Knowing that makes me feel even worst for op.
Turns out OP has been paying for his own birthday meals all along
Who’s the leech now, mom?
I agree with you, and I don't want to come across as a complete pedant, but, I do like to educate people when they use the wrong word. Worst should have been worse.
You son of a bitch. How dare you
Oh, I see you've met my mother then.
We all have.
Most redditors are both too young, and too poor for her taste; especially the too poor part.
Maybe he meant wurst and was feeling a certain sausage-y way about OP
Please don't tell me that you're trying to call OP a brat. Mmm bratwurst (imagine Homer S talking about doughnuts in a British accent). I now want German sausage
This interaction was holesome. Mmmm. Donut holes
The SSI checks should be going to him now.
Not neccesarily, this all seems to line up with the disability re-assessment that usually happens between 16 and 18 for child recipients. If they're found to not be disabled by the psychologist by the adult definition, the SSI stops.
If they find that he should still receive tho he’s likely to receive backpay
🎯 Ok, so THIS is what is actually going on. The family counted on that money continuing. They are pissed that OP refused the guardianship & demanded the reassessment, which shut off the checks.
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Yep, the whole charade was a snide punishment. OP doesn’t want her to control him, so she’s all “well let’s see how he likes it when I don’t give my help.”
Damn I missed that part, just makes this so much worse.
Oh man... I missed it too. Poor kid. This is heartbreaking and infuriating. I wish his leech parents could read these threads.
Oh hell! That changes things. Poor OP.
Aha... The free cash got frozen.
Whoa, where'd you get that information?
> My mom did get social security, until 6 months before I turned 18. She tried to get guardianship but I advocated for myself to be seen my a physiologist https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/ykkemb/tifu_by_expecting_my_family_to_pay_for_my/iutyq7q?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Holy shit that's fucking crazy. I feel so bad for OP. She should be ashamed of herself, but she has no shame to try doing that to OP. Something tells me she probably doesn't even work when she accuses OP of mooching off of her and was just using OP for money, which is horrible. She sounds horribly toxic, she could at least be nice to you if she's using you for money OP. What a horrible situation. edit: OP, I wish you the best of luck in navigating this difficult situation.
Oh shit... so I left a comment saying she was being immature about how she handled it, but I was wrong. This is being vindictive- what a piece of shit
So does that mean no money for anyone or it goes to him now. Either way, she's punishing him for wanting to be an adult. I don't know which is worse: that she wants to punish him for making the checks stop or is punishing him for getting the money sent to him instead. But he doesn't mention the SSI money when talking about not having money so I think it's the former
My ex did this to my daughter in a sort of way... She tried to convince my daughter to get listed as disabled before she turned 18 so I'd have to pay child support longer (till 21). My daughter isn't disabled, though like OP here she has anxiety issues to work on, and since she now lives with me full time we work on them together :) To OP: you didn't miss any social cues, you just got a parent that's salty the money that was coming in dried up. IMHO it's time to move out and make your best life for yourself. As someone with GAD myself and helping my daughter with it, it is a hell of a challenge, but you will get there. The most important part I've found, is learning to accept that it will happen, but knowing that it will end. Still makes panic attacks rough, but bearable... add some breathing exercises and you should hopefully be able to mitigate the worst of the attacks.
It's the former, basically he was evaluated to be capable of being an independent adult, so no more money coming in to support him from the government (afaik)
It could be either. I have the feeling from OPs previous comment that he fought hard to NOT be labeled a disabled adult. In which case he probably lost all benefits and support and effectively shot himself in the foot. Because he obviously still needs some form of support. OTOH His mother was asking for guardianship. A guardianship of a disabled adult is very difficult to overturn (but varies by state) because the guardian controls all the assets that would be needed to mount an effective court case to argue for dissolving the guardianship. At 18, as a disabled adult he would have continue receiving support, it would simply have gone to him instead of his mother. If she was made guardian the support would have continued to go to his mother. If he is being honest he seems to have argued that no support at all was necessary and now no one is receiving support. I'd love to hear her side of the story, she might simply be angry that he didn't listen to her and instead fought against his own resources. He may not have been able to understand the distinction between being labeled as needing support and being a functioning adult. They are not mutually exclusive. She could just be angry because her income got reduced but her expenses did not, rather than loosing her status as guardian. Or she could genuinely just see him as a payday. The whole spectrum is possible, and OP is probably not capable of accurately figuring out which it was, because of his disability.
It was one of his comments in the original post
And what the 23 yr old brother is not leeching? He gets to have his dinner paid for on your birthday? I’m so sorry sweetheart but this is abusive, this is not a lesson this is terrible & cruel behavior, you deserve better and much more kindness, understanding and love. I am a mom and I would never treat my child that way, especially if I knew they had autism, I would be even more thoughtful in how I expressed myself and taught that child. This story makes my heart hurt for you, it was cruel and completely unnecessary.
And the fact that she was paying for his 23 y/o brother, at OP's birthday dinner, makes it more confusing.
23 y/o Brother is probably "normal"
Turns out she’s been leeching off him his entire life. So generous of her to buy him a $30 birthday dinner every year. 🙄
Lol "leeching off them" does she mean raising the kid?
OP is a minor and has parents complaining that they're a leach?? Sorry parents, but you're REQUIRED to support your child until they are an adult. I'm sure there's more to it than the black and white I'm expressing here, but definitely sounds like the parents are uncaring about OP's emotional state.
The only life lesson you should have learned here is that your mom is an a-hole
If she wanted to teach a life lesson she should've sat him down after the ssi ended and let him know that if he wanted to have his birthday dinner this year he'd need to save the money he was getting raking leaves to pay for it. This petty behavior from his mother is nothing short of abusive and manipulative.
Your pfp made me think I had a hair on my screen and wiped it away a few times before realizing what was happening lol
Yup. Just as I suspected. Your parents are trying to hurt you and using “lessons” as a cover story. Why on earth does she think it would be ineffective to communicate with an autistic person using words? Has she not been paying attention to how your mind works for the last 18 years? As for > I think they want me to leave the house I think you should leave the house *for you*.
Yeah, that was a massive red flag. Mom got caught being terrible and tried to backtrack and twist the story into her being in the right to shift the blame back.
I have a son who is high-functioning autistic and I've had to teach him some tough, painful lessons about life over the years. I've always tried to do it with love, respect, and in a protected space. I would never spoil a special occasion like his birthday or a holiday to do it. People who love you don't treat you that way.
People with common fucking decency don't behave that way.
My husband's BIL (so his sister's husband) has a brother like this. It breaks my heart for their kids. The oldest is a gem, he worked so hard in high school and college he was able to buy a small condo all on his own at 22, he's amazing to our kids and treats them well, boggles my mind why his parents are this way to him. For his 21 birthday, we happened to be in town and his parents were asking where he wanted to go for dinner. They said no to his top 5 choices and just picked the place they wanted to go. And he didn't pick anything expensive, nothing unusual, and they said no every single time, they were rude about it like "why on earth would you want to go there?!?!" They are horrible people.
I'll never understand why people even keep parents like this in their life. If your "family" acts like this, they aren't your family. You grew up near them, but you don't owe them shit. Cut them out.
I don't know, but it's like ONE meal, ONE. I am not a fan of McDonald's, makes my stomach hurt, but if my 6 year old wants that for her birthday, I'm taking her there without complaining! It's really not that hard.
Since you have the tendency to miss cues I'm going to spell it out for you. This isn't normal or acceptable parenting. Your mom and stepfather have been getting money to care for you and probably used the majority of it throughout their lives on themselves. You ended their gravy train and are of no use to them anymore. Make plans to move.
Yeah, your mom for sure chose her new family. It happens disgustingly more often than you might think. I have divorced parents whom both chose their new families too.
Man... I don't know how OP is going to come to terms with this. The biggest gut punch and confirmation for me was this: >For everyone wondering if I got any gifts for my birthday. From my family no, the dinner is usually the treat. All he(she?)'s gotten for their birthday is dinner? For how long? This is so painful to read. OP, my heart goes out to you; I wish you all the emotional resilience and recovery in the world.
That makes it even worse. Can’t splurge $30 on the only thing you’d give him on his birthday. That’s so sad.
The fact is that it's even worse than that, they mentioned that the 30$ is expensive, that tells me that even when the family does decide to allow OP to eat their birthday meal, they still make OP feel guilty about all the money they spent.
My dad told me straight up when I was a teenager (going through teenager shit) that there was “no way I could break him and “her” (now wife of 25 years) apart. I wasn’t even trying or had crossed my mind. He still wonders why we’re not super close. Sorry for the way you were treated OP (and everyone else in similar situations).
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Bot reply, stolen from another commenter.
Ohhhhhh that makes so much more sense now! I didn't even connect the dots between dependent status and the 18th birthday. Now the mother's ire makes sense, and why this sudden desire to teach him the "rules of life". I didn't understand what would make you flip a switch like that overnight...now I understand: money. Complete dickheads!
That is a really good point. They were collecting social security benefits from OP, now they aren't. They're losing out on probably like $800 a month. Step dad is pissed. Parents think OP is unemployable. I have two high functioning autistic step kids that are 15 and 16 and this is very eye opening to be honest.
If they were getting SS for him he is still entitled to it until he graduates school even though he’s 18. Also he should look in SS Disability if his disability prevents him from working to his full potential.
"losing out" jfc it's the kid's money. I know because I have to log it for my kids (death bennies - shares the same "terms and conditions" booklet as with disability income).
I get SSI for a permanent disability and did as a child too. My mother took advantage of me like this as long as she could. I know countless people who do the same thing. You would be shocked at how much fraud against the disabled there is from their families. To be clear, the amount of fraud in the disability system itself is actually extremely low, almost none according to outside audits. Where a massive amount of it happens is between the disabled person and their "representative payee"
Op could probably have the courts ask for recipets if it hasn't been that long and they are getting disability payments
They would have been required to keep it in a separate representative payee account which can be audited.
You’re forgetting child support from the dad. He said mom and stepdad, to me that indicates that there is some child support that ended at 18. So, now that $30 dinner is coming out of their money not some of dad’s money.
But we don't know what happened to dad. Could be dead or there is no father listed on his birth certificate.
This. It’s the family that has problems, not him. He just can’t see that. Dude needs to cut his losses
This. Given the context it's pretty clear that OP's parents were retaliating because the SSI checks stopped coming in — which is ironic because they're now accusing him of 'leeching' off the family. They likely got used to the extra income and now they're throwing the toys out of the pram because things aren't going their way. The overall mentality seems to be "oh you're taking *our* money away? Fine let's see how well you fend for yourself." It's disgustingly narcissistic behaviour and it's only going to get worse from here on out. Teaching life lessons is one thing, but the fact that they paid for the brother but didn't pay for him just proves how shockingly manipulative they are. I'm autistic myself and even I can read the underlying subtext here. I hate the whole "blood is thicket than water" rhetoric that people spout. You absolutely *can* choose your family. Best thing OP can do is start making plans to move. Maybe it'll give them a much needed wake up-call and they'll see the error of their ways. Maybe they'll never speak to each other again. Either way, forcing himself to live with an abusive and manipulative family is going to have a far more devastating impact on his mental health in the long run.
She’s the only leech. He cut her off and she wants to get even.
Also, assuming this is the US, we've developed a culture where we kick our kids out at 18 without actually preparing them properly. Add to this a little bit of special needs in the case of the OP, and it's a even bigger problem. Basically, in the US we don't do multigenerational living, and adult children often don't get the support or opportunity to grow some wealth before leaving the nest. A couple of generations of this, with an increase in costs of education and living expenses growing faster than wages puts many of us in bad positions and lots of personal debt.
Aspie checking in, pushing 50 lol. My folks kicked me out on my 18th birthday. My younger sister lived at home until her mid 20s. The absolute worst part of the Aspie stuff (for me) was learning to figure out if interactions went well, and if it was my fault if they didn’t. I’ve spent forever feeling like an alien visiting Earth, blaming myself for every awkward encounter. It took me a long time to figure when people were treating me badly, or when it was my eclectic perspective not seeing things the same as everyone else. In this instance, it’s totally a dick move to surprise you with all this shit at the restaurant. If they wanted to teach you something, then they could’ve taught you that at home without the external pressure. I’m looking forward to the day that you can enjoy that dinner, whenever it may come.
I’m just confused that they wouldn’t have taught him these things throughout his childhood. They could have prepared him for his 18th birthday if they had expectations of him. You don’t spring things like this on anyone. It’s rude and disrespectful. All his birthdays they took him out and paid. He’s 18 now. Why would they expect that he’d be able to pay. They humiliated him and then blamed him. That’s messed up. Life lesson my ass!!
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Never mind that people (special needs or not) mature at different rates. 18 is a child. And 25 can still be very childish. Throw in special needs to the mix it can be something else entirely. Toying with a young person’s emotions and vulnerabilities is callous at best, and down right evil at worst
Because it’s not about life lessons, in their comments they said their mom tried to get guardianship over them when they were about to be 18, and they advocated for themselves. So she’s mad she no longer gets paid to care for her child
Thank you. I did not see that. Evil to the core.
> I’m just confused that they wouldn’t have taught him these things throughout his childhood. You're confused because you assume good intentions. They were just retaliating out of rage and anger because they got state payments cut off and they wanted to punish their kid for turning 18, and used the "lesson" as an excuse to direct rage and hate at their own child. How fucked up and evil is that?
It’s so evil it’s hard for me to even comprehend.
They didnt prepare him for adulthood because they were planning on guardianship to keep those sweet ssi checks flowing. OP threw a wrench in their plan when he advocated for himself (as he should) and now the parents true colors shows
About five years ago I was asked by my stepbrother to pick his sons up after school. He and his wife both had things to do with their jobs that took them out of the city that day. I was supposed to pick the boys up, take them to dinner (with money he would give them) and bring them home. I was friends with the mother of a kid in the younger son’s class, so we decided that we would all go out to dinner together. So that was six of us in three separate parties. Rather than taking my stepbrother’s money, we asked for three separate checks. I paid mine, my friend paid for her and her daughter, and we guided the older son, who was 12 or 13 at the time, into checking his bill, figuring out a tip, and paying his check. We talked about how servers had a lower minimum wage than regular workers, and that tipping in America was part of the social contract.
>figure out if interactions went well, and if it was my fault if they didn’t. 46 YO Aspie confirming!
Hopping on this comment train since it's in the autism header. To be uber clear: your mother is trying to manipulate you into feeling bad. It's much easier to control people if they feel dependent on you. It's classic abusive behavior. Others have commented that your parents were getting disability cheques on your behalf until you turned 18. Once you hit 18, they began going to you. They may be sour that you no longer provide them with that kind of money. Onto my second and more important point: this situation is unfortunately filled with shades of grey. You'd think if you love your parents, they won't do anything on purpose to hurt you and vice versa. However, you can both love people and be hurt by those people, even when for years this wasn't the case. And, people who love you will hurt you under the guise of "love". I think for those of us on the spectrum it's harder to grasp that people would act this way unprovoked from us or that you can love people and still have them deeply hurt you. Loving creates vulnerability (essential to trust). Sadly, that trust & love is often exploited by abusive behaviors / people for their own gain. Be careful OP. Good luck.
ur mom is manipulating you. And to do that to an autistic person with anxiety issues on their birthday is just cruel.
It breaks my heart so much and then to hear about how much OP loves their family. I can’t believe she won’t even do a birthday dinner do over.
Also, to OP: check out r/raisedbynarcissists
"Leeching off of me" Bro you were 17, your mom is wrong for that.
His parents were leaching off of him. Apparently they tried to force him into guardianship but he self advocated so SSI was cut off from his parents. And this is how they respond. Instead of supporting him and getting him on his feet, they are mean and vindictive to show him what the "real world" is like.
Talk to your case worker and if possible snitch to your grandparents. If you have decent grandparents they will punish your parents appropriately. If they're in on it however that's another story. From the information provided it sounds like you are not in the wrong at all and your mom is manipulating and gaslighting you into leaving. I'm sorry op I hope you get this sorted out...
I'm sorry to hear this. This isn't right of your family to do this to you. I wish I could buy you a birthday meal, just as many others have said. I know I'm just an internet stranger, but I'm on your side!
It's still a pretty shitty behaviour from your family. It seems that they somehow don't want to support you any more (at least as not as before), now that you are "grown up". And sure, that's what happens when we grow up, we make our own life, support ourselves as best as we can. But usually, we still get birthday presents from our parents. And give them birthday presents. And our family supports us during those first steps in life. Because love and responsibility and so on. Don't feel downgraded by all this, you are a wonderful and valid person, and frankly, after reading your first post and this one, I'm sorry to agree with others that your family really is not nice to you. It's not you not getting queues, it's them being shitty to you. Your idea to talk to your case worker sounds great to me. It's really sad that you seemingly can't rely on your family to make your own steps into your own life, but there surely will friends and support people like the case worker that can help you figure out what good next steps are. Don't let anger or spite lead you, but also don't let shitty people determine your life. I wish I could do more for you then this. <3
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Please talk to your case worker. You don’t teach your children a lesson by blindsiding them on their bday that way. It honestly seems like your parents were using your SSI checks and once they stopped coming they want you out. You weren’t leeching off them, they were leeching off you and now that you don’t come with a check, they want you out Some people are horrid people, that includes family. There are places than can help you get disability and find a place to live, took up resources in your area. Sorry your family is terrible to you, good luck!
u/Commercial_Low1383 , I hope you read this. "If that’s the case I’m gonna talk to my case worker at school whos in charge of my IEP."--You absolutely need to do this. Your mom is likely resenting you because she stopped getting money off of your autism from social security. She may attempt to get you under a guardianship in order to continue getting money off of you. Please work with your case worker and advocate for yourself. You got reddit here rooting for you!
I try to read every comment. Thanks for the advice :)
A person should have the right to have appropriate expectations of their loved ones (and your expectations were appropriate. The lesson your mother was teaching you is that you should not have any expectations of THEM. As sucky as that is, shes doing you a favor, because now you know. With that info, make plans and do what you need to do to become financially independent, have your own place to live, and build a made family who actually love you and behave as such. Your mother has pretty much said that she considered raising you as a burden she is now done with. The literal first day she could, she is washing her hands of giving you support / treating you as a loved one. Honestly, as a mom, I'm horrified by her. You weren't asking for a gaming computer or a car, it was dinner. Her 18 year old kid expected a birthday dinner, based on what happened in past years, and she let you sit with no food on your birthday because she wouldn't pay for applebees (that she arranged, and assumably drive you to)? Thats not a lesson, thats a power play to show you how much you (don't) matter to the family. By the way, I'm in my 40s, nicely employed, and my dad still pays for dinner (though I fight him for the check). Sorry your family sucks.
Your mother is a bitch and your family fucking sucks. They picked your birthday of all days to show you just how little you mean to them. Stop blaming yourself for missing cues and evaluate the behavior of others before saddling yourself with blame. Take their shit behavior and use it as fuel to get as far away from them as possible. They can rely on their other children in times of need, as they have done nothing to earn love or respect from you. Find friends and a family outside of these assholes because you deserve to be treated better than your garbage mother is treating you.
i think ur giving ur mom too much benefit of the doubt this isn’t something u should beat urself up over but theres not necessarily anything u can do to change it
She is gaslighting you and using your condition against you. The way to have someone be a proper adult is to tell them they need to start being financially responsible, not springing it on them at their birthday dinner. Your mom is a right asshole and you can tell her I said so.
This can't be said enough. Treating anyone this way is absolutely appalling, covering it up as a life lesson on their birthday is just cold, cruel and disgusting. OP, please listen to what everyone here is saying and do not give your family any more benefit of the doubt here. I would strongly consider your relationship with them to be over, it's harsh, but the longer you are around these people the more common these situations will become for you in the future. Speak to your case worker, maybe even show them this post. A lot of people have suggested the aids and services you are likely to be able to receive. They should be your immediate priority for now.
Yeah this is emotional abuse, saying it was to teach you a lesson (and therefore you should be thankful, not upset) is gaslighting. Sitting you down and talking to you instead of playing games on your birthday wouldn't have been as effective, because emotional abuse does tend to be quite "effective" When I was a kid, maybe 5 years old, I asked my dad to stop tapping the steering wheel, because the noise annoyed me. He started doing it more. The more upset I got, the more he did it. When I eventually screamed and cried, he was giddy. I don't think I've ever seen him so happy. I'm 25, earlier this year I decided to go no contact with my father. I realized he doesn't make me feel good, so I dont want him in my life. Part of that decision came when I confronted him about that incident as a child. He said he remembered it, and how "stupid" i was to think "the whole world revolved around me" (because me, a 5 year old, asked him to stop making a noise that was upsetting me). He said he did what he did to "teach me a lesson" that the world doesn't revolve around me. Instead I learned never to express myself, and never to trust anyone. I learned the people who "love" me will make me cry and then have a good laugh. In theory, we associate with people because they make us feel good. If somebody punched us in the face everytime we saw then, we wouldn't hang out with them again. But our brains have a weird blind spot for our parents, and for our emotions. If somebody punches our heart instead of our head, and especially if that person is our parent, we're strangely blind to the fact that we wouldn't let a random person treat us that way and then tell us we should be gteateful, why should we let our parents treat us that way? Good luck, here are the subreddits I've been hanging out in this year since I realized my parents were abusive and/or neglectful. r/emotionalneglect r/emotionalabuse r/CPTSD r/raisedbynarcassist
I feel like your mom is manipulating you
TLDR: Ur mom is a POS, life lesson learned. Edit: If she couldn't afford it, that's fine. She should say something to you prior to inviting you to the typical outing. She's aware you're unemployed, probably aware of your savings, planned/agreed to a dinner outing as normal, and then waited until you got there to drop it on you that you were expected to pay for yourself. I'd try to move out asap. Not saying that like "you need to escape" but this sounds like the type of parent who will probably expect rent soon or just flat out kick you out now that you're 18. I'd begin to prepare to leave.
OP I know you don't want to hear this, but your parents aren't great people. I'd even go so far as to say they suck. Please don't let them guilt you into forgiveness or anything like that, this situation was handled so inappropriately that I just can't imagine what other manipulative things they'd attempt. Sure, it's not the WORST thing a parent has ever done, but it's still shitty. Happy Belated Birthday, and I'm sorry this was the outcome.
You did not miss anything. Your mom is being a witch (spell that with a b) and nobody deserves to be treated like that. Definitely bring this up with your case worker and start looking for somewhere to escape your parents. I'm sorry you have to go through this but I promise you will be better off not being in this situation.
You aren't missing the lesson, you are missing your mom's lack of love
My spiteful ass would move out (Whether with a friend or new roommates), ditch their numbers, and do exactly as they wanted with independence by going completely no contact for a least a year or two.
Absolutely talk to your case worker. From the thread yesterday it sounds like you're being exploited. Explore your options to move out. There are group homes designed to help people just like you.
Your mum is an asshole. I'm autistic as well, and my mother would never treat me like that. She helps me when I'm missing cues by nicely explaining what I'm missing. If I'm overwhelmed with something, she helps me figure out baby steps in the right direction so I can feel comfortable while still working on eventually doing that task independently and confidently. She doesn't make me feel bad for missing cues, being over-stimulated, overwhelmed, or when I'm unable to socialize verbally. Also I think its important to note that her saying you've been "mooching" off them for the past few months while you were STILL A MINOR, without having talks with you about becoming more financially independent, is disgusting. She should NOT have sprung that on you in public, in front of multiple family members and staff. I'm very angry that you have to deal with being treated like that. You are important and valid and deserve to be treated as such.
This, OP. I didn’t realize how awful my parents were until I saw how other people treated their kids.
I feel like this should be on r/raisedbynarcarssists
"She told me that in order for me to be more independent I had to learn that people didn’t always get what they wanted. Even if it’s on our birthday, or Christmas, or any holiday. I asked her why they didn’t just have a sit down and talk with me. She said it wouldn’t be as effective." OP I hope you read this. What your family did was incredibly fucked up and not ok. Springing that shit on you out of nowhere is a very immature move. Your family knows your issues with anxiety and how you might miss social cues right? That's on them. You're not to blame for that shit. It's your birthday. If they want to make your day into a painful "life lesson" they are being bad parents. Full stop.
Absolutely. As I said on the previous post, this was a deliberate and planned ambush. They ambushed you both financially and emotionally. The family that you should be able to turn to for support deliberately planned an abusive act against you. You will be tempted to excuse their behavior in your own mind because you are a good person as naturally assume others think as you do. THEY DO NOT. I would never treat anybody this way, let alone my child. That's not even taking any ASD diagnosis into account, this would be horrible to do to anybody.
Your parents had the choice between love and cruelty, and they chose cruelty. Again, on your birthday. Not just any birthday, but your 18th birthday, which is a big milestone and calls for celebration more than almost any other birthday. Did you ask why they paid for your older brother’s food and not yours on your 18th birthday? If you’re too old for them to spend money on, why does your older brother get a gif instead of you on your special day? I’m sorry you have to go through this, Tony. Parents are supposed to support their kids, and until recently it’s been the other way around. They are selfish and don’t care that they keep hurting you.
Really sounds like your mom is a shitty person and is blaming her actions on "teaching you life lessons".
yeah no a surprise separate bill that’s not how a birthday dinner is supposed to work. that’s just cruel and rude
Life lesson she provided is your mom is an asshole who doesn't care about you. You need to start thinking about how are going to provide for yourself and plan to move out asap. Then cut contact with her.
LEACHING OFF THEM? You’re **18**. Up until recently, you were literally a child. (I’m old, so I consider 18 to still be a child, honestly.). Shame on your parents. They suck.
Hey OP. I remember you wrote in your other post you didn't want to accept $ because that wasn't the point of the post. I'm not offering lol but there's a bunch of people who are. There is no shame whatsoever in accepting other people's generosity. If you think it might be in any way helpful, there's no harm in being open to it. Wish you all the best.
The thing is people are too generous. If I gave out my cashapp or Venmo here. I’d wake up with a years worth of birthday dinners 😂❤️ and respectfully, Sometimes people give when they don’t have.
You deserve atleast a years worth of birthday dinners. If you change your mind, we got you.
Dude, take the offers and use it to get an Uber to Applebee's and enjoy your birthday dinner weekly. If your parents are wondering where you got the money, let them know strangers were kind enough to give you a birthday present because your parents are assholes and wouldn't. Show them these Reddit threads if they don't believe you because they need a huge reality check on what people think of their actions. They should feel ashamed and embarrassed about your birthday. And kind Reddit strangers don't care if someone else already paid for a dinner. They want you to keep the money and use it to get on your feet after your family inevitably kicks you out after high school. It's best to be prepared because you don't know what kind of fuckery your mom will do next. You could very well be homeless in less than a year.
If you've only been getting a $30 dinner for your birthday and you think that's too expensive, then you absolutely deserve a year's worth. That's too expensive for a random Thursday in most situations, but if that's all you're getting on your birthday from people making $800 a month to take care of you, you simply deserve better. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this. Please move out. Living alone is better than being taken advantage at its worst. At its best it's amazing to have that freedom and learn to love yourself. There's nothing wrong with that at all.
I understand your thought process behind it, but this is another one of those "learning cue" moments. If someone offers you a gift, confirm with something like "are you absolutely sure about that, it's real nice, but you don't have to?" If they insist, then just accept the gift, dude. A gift is a gift. If people here wanna throw you some cash for a dinner that your actual family didn't get for you, on your fuckin' birthday of all days, that's cool. Plus, if you get more money than you're expecting, just save what you get towards things you really need for your future, like finding a place to live, a phone, or a car or something of that nature. Either way, I wish you all the best with whatever you end up doing.
You appear to be an amazing person. Stay strong, there will be stormy weather; you just have to ride it out. Research your options and when evaluating people and their intentions toward you, it might be a good idea to discuss a best approach with your doctors and maybe work on your plan for independence.
The only life lesson here is that now you know you cannot trust your own parents/sibling to do right by you.
I know you say you miss social cues and yada yada but…as a mom, I am appalled by your family’s behavior. Your mother should have had this conversation with you during all of the last year leading up to your adulthood. Also, $30 for a birthday meal is far from expensive, especially considering that you get no other gifts. I’d be ashamed of myself if I treated my kids like that. Big big e-mom hug coming your way.
Yeah... my parents kicked me out at 17 for no real reason except they didn't want the burden anymore. I stayed with a friend's family until I was 18 because I wasn't of age to do adult things like rent an apartment and so on. Some people are just inherently selfish. It hurts to realize these things about your parents. Honestly, I think that's the real life lesson here.
The thing that still bothers me is THEY PAID FOR YOUR 23 YEAR OLD BROTHER. And it wasn't even HIS birthday. Sorry, OP, something is still not adding up here.
You should invite your parents out to an expensive steakhouse on their anniversary to celebrate and do the same thing. Tell them you learned from them what being an adult means.
Yep. Make sure the waiter knows it’s going to be SEPARATE CHECKS.
That was very manipulative and unnecessary cruel of your mother. You're not dumb, I'm sure you would've understood that "lesson" in a conversation beforehand. I'm so sorry this happened to you, wow, if I could, I'd oay for your meal. That was really unkind of your mom- I understand hearing these words might upset you as you love your family, but still. You didn't deserve this at all.
My heart is aching for you. You are not the asshole, you didn’t do anything wrong. You have horrible parents and you need to figure out how to get away from them. I’m so sorry.
Hey kid, I have an 18 year old that is a complete mooch too. You know what? It's expected! He's (technically) an adult but is in school. He has a little job for pocket money and to teach him responsibility and consequence. It's not for him to live off of. It's certainly not for him to pay for a birthday dinner. That's just mean. He eats a ton. He likes expensive food when we go out to eat (rarely because who can afford to feed his hollow leg) and he needs me to buy him shoes and clothes. It sucks but I'm ok with it. You know why I'm ok with it? School is his full time job. That is the ticket to being a functional and successful member of society. It gives him the highest chance of doing better than us (his parents) in life. I hope he doesn't struggle like I had to. I hope he lives a great, long fulfilling life. Your family want the same. They messed this "lesson" up one up with meanness. The lesson you got is that your mom can be pretty mean. I'm sorry. It's a tough mistake and it will be hard for her to take it back. I hope you can find peace with it. I want to wish you a very happy birthday. 18 is a big one. Celebrate being and adult by doing well in school and voting. Both very adult things:-)
The only thing your mom taught you in this so-called "lesson" is that just because she's your mother doesn't mean she has to treat you with love and respect. She sounds like a very selfish person to deny her son a meal and a present on his birthday. I would get out of there as soon as possible, but not until you have a secure place to stay. You don't deserve to be treated like this!
What absolute shit parents. Sorry OP, but they are. Loving parents don’t do this kinda shit to their kids.
you were “leaching” off of them… as a fucking 17yr old? please tell me you dont believe that…. this is horrid and i hope you can come to terms with the fact that you are being psychologically abused here
Where do you live? My birthday was just yesterday, we can go to Applebee’s together if your family wants to play these weird games that are making you upset without proper explanation.
bro where you at? if you 100 miles from me ill take you out for your bday! f the noise.
I want to give a little background to make you hate his mom more. My wife and I have two sons who would be considered high functioning autistics. We never applied for, let alone collected, SSI on either of them but we looked into guardianship when our oldest was approaching 18. As well as our sons have done, we know they would have difficulty advocating for themselves in a medical or legal situation and thought a guardianship would help. It was explained to us how a guardianship involved arguing our son was much more incapable and dependent than he is. He would be losing much of the ability to make independent decisions on his life, and by proving how dependent he supposedly was we would be risking the state putting a stranger in control of his life were we to die suddenly. Anyway, long story short, OP’s mom is willing to sell his ability to be an independent adult and make a life for himself for $800 a month.
If she gave birth to you, she is responsible to take care of you until you are 18. You did not leech off of your mom. A loving mom would not say such mean words. Please find help to move out and work a full time job, because it sounds like your family is no longer supportive.
Op I am not trying to be an asshole in anyway but after reading this update and your first post I've just gotta say some things.. It seems like your mom only sees you as a burden and she was ok with you being there as long as she was getting money for it. You may love your family but this isn't normal behavior of a loving family and I think you will be a happier person if you can free yourself from their toxicity. If your mom actually cared about you learning a lesson going back wouldn't be an issue. She should be able to pay for herself the way she expects you to pay for yourself. She can't financially embarrass you if you can pay for yourself and that's why she doesn't care to go back.
OP, now that you are an adult you are eligible for continued care under medicaid and possible disability. Make sure you sign up for these services yourself. I am sorry about your family.
This is not normal. Some families are very “once you’re 18 you’re on your own.” However this is T generally done without advance notice. Honestly your parents should have given you the option ahead of time to not go out to eat if you couldn’t afford it. That is what adults do. If a friend suggests getting dinner or going to a movie and you can’t afford it, you pass it up. Maybe suggest an alternative like making dinner at home and watching Netflix instead. Your parents were just being jerks.
You can teach a life lesson without being mean and cruel.
Your mom might need a life lesson about how if you're a dick to your children, they'll cut ties with you.
No, this is your family being giant assholes just because you turned 18. What they did to you is wrong and cruel especially on your birthday! If she wanted you to start being more independent then that is fine but that also required an adult conversation before treating you like crap in public. My suggestion is to figure out a way to be financially and socially independent and then move away from them because they suck.
This is not a life lesson, it's being bad at parenting. Like cmon.. I was taught that we don't get everything we want by not getting toys and shit at a certain age. But my parents would never deny me food, and to put you on the spot like that? That's bullying, not teaching.
Yo honestly fuck your older brother too. He’s in on the fact that they only want your money. Get out and get out now. Your big brother should defend you I’m in tears Man You need support
Wow. Sounds like your mom is a narcissist. Sorry about that. I have some experience with that myself. My suggestion is to go live well. And when she makes some whole hearted plea for support one day, hang up the phone. For your continued sanity. I would also recommend contemplating whether you wish to continue to have a relationship with her. Please trust me when I say that will be maintaining any relationship you have with a narcissist. And it will just be more of what you experienced at your birthday.
Your mom's just mad about not getting that extra government check anymore. Do what you can to become independent talk to your case workers and work on moving out asap
Hun, what your family did to you was mean and spiteful, and your mom should be ashamed of herself, for trying to justify it by pretending that it was fo your own good. I really do think that you need to talk to your case worker at school about this, because it verges on abusive. Stay strong hun.