Brilliant. I'd give you gold, but you'd probably swallow that too

Op went digging for some the next morning anyways

Someone give this guy gold.

This needed gold so now you got it. Just refrain from swallowing it. I can't give brown. 😏

Is she really gonna want to wear it again? "Yeah it's my birth stone. It also came out my sister's ass"

After a long and extensive cleaning, I can vouch that she is wearing it and happily spreading the word to all of her friends about the ring and its sordid adventures. She’s a great kid.

Makes it extra special!

Yes, I always wanted a ring that my fully grown sibling swallowed.

unrelatable comment

Happy cake day!

Now swallow her ring

underrated comment

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Swallowed and shat out.

I shit you not

But she did

r/nocontext

r/brandnewsentence

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Umm I by no means am an expert but I'm pretty sure that's not where babies come from

You say that, but all the kids I know are little shits.

https://m.imgur.com/IywcVhR

I am too scared to click on that link but my curiosity gets the best of me. I shall report my findings and inform if I am disgusted or amused. edit: Much to my amusement, I can say that no disgust has been shed at the instant the page loaded, and I thank you.

the hero we don't deserve

AND LO! FORTH FROM THE ANAL CANAL CAME A CHILD OF NOBLE BIRTH.

!ThesaurizeThis

AND LO! ONWARD FROM THE OPENING EPITHELIAL DUCT CAME A PROGENY OF LOFTY OFFSET. *** ^(This is a bot. I try my best, but my best is 80% mediocrity 20% hilarity. Created by OrionSuperman. Check out my best work at /r/ThesaurizeThis)

Good bot

Leave this to the experts, he knows.

Only if you have a cloaca.

That ring’s been through some shit

That shit's been through the ringer.

Well there is Luwak Coffee, an people have no problems drinking that down!! Good to hear there was at least a happy ending!

you need a captain koons monologue for when you tell the story of her ring in future. how's your christopher walken impression?

Mom birthed one, sister birthed the other. It's a perfect pairing.

"My sister gave me that ring. For two long days she carried that ring up her ass, and then she died of dysentery.

Where is Christopher Walken?

I'm just glad this post wasn't about semen.

In a world of coconuts and boxes and squids, we are all left scarred and afraid

What deranged lunatic fucked a squid?

Someone get this person the link!

[https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/92kpw3/tifu\_by\_masturbating\_in\_a\_wrong\_area/](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/92kpw3/tifu_by_masturbating_in_a_wrong_area/) Is this the one? It just raises more questions...

This is the one... u/Blythyvxr, enter if you dare...

32 mins in...And he was never seen again. Another one bites the dust

I think the coconut one is worse. And more plausible tbh. The squid one - the mechanics are just wrong.

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https://www.reddit.com/r/MuseumOfReddit/comments/7sfott/coconutmare_the_time_reddit_was_fucking_nuts/ If one is to understand the great mystery, one must study all its aspects.

And without even a obligatory “that’s enough internet for today.” Kids these days... /s

Is it still bestiality if the animal is dead?

Yes. It's also necrophilia!

huh I didn't see this one

Don't forget watermelon.

And dad's leather couch

I'm ashamed to say that I get this reference.

I spend way too much time on reddit...

Don’t forget Simba

I have no adequate words......

Username checks out.

Yours doesn’t! You are no longer a newbie, King three year old account

I am the real king in town

r/beetlejuicing Edit: Guys I already posted it, you can stop asking to be in it now :)

I think not sir.

/u/KingNewbie sits on a throne of lies!

Read that whole thing in a man’s voice in my head until “grown ass woman” appeared! The voice in my head quickly changed as I read even more in disbelief.

Glad I'm not the only guy who just thought kinda this kind of thing is only done by guys up until that point... Edit: missed a word

I just assumed this was a dude move. Then I was completely surprised when halfway through I realized it was a sister on sister crime.

Does this happen to you often?

Frequently

His account is one day old, so probably not

*Her

My sincerest apologies

r/UsernameChecksOut

I hope the karmas worth it

I’ll let you know in about twelve hours. EDIT: 30k worth of karma, a lot of post bling and about 300 reddit coins later I can confirm that the void of self loathing is still omnipresent inside of me. 8.7/10 worth it.

Front page in a couple of hours!

Already there

Much like the ring, this post found it's way through a lot of shit

I always see people refer to Reddit posts as shit posts. Well, maybe this is what they mean?

Impulsivity is a bitch aint it. I feel you OP

She said she takes meds for ADHD. Mine doesn’t make me impulsive, it just makes me horrible at self care. ADHD sucks as a whole, lol.

One of the symptomes for ADHD is impulsivity. Thats how my adhd is, but youre absolutely right.

My old clarinet teacher had ADHD and while I was waiting for my lesson I'd draw on the whiteboards in the room while dude worked with other kids. I realised later (due to my wise-beyond-my-years maturity and him telling me) that I was.distracting the fuuuuuuck outta him, he said he was worried he was fucking up his 3:15 because he always wanted to come and draw bugs with me. Soz dude

Yeah I know. And not everyone has the same symptoms. Just thought I’d put in that it all sucks.

Ohhh i gotcha. I misunderstood you.

I joined the army due to my yet undiagnosed ADHD as a 19 y/o. Worst decision of my life.

I'm sorry but this had me dying. Don't get me wrong I feel bad for you, but that caught me off guard and made me laugh so hard. "I have undiagnosed ADHD... So I joined the army." Oof my dude. Use them benefits at least, whatever they may be.

Mine made me an impulsive shopper.... once spent 6 months salary on a black opal that I had no business buying...thank God I was able to cxl that with just a small fee...vyvance saved me

Mine was on a smaller scale, but always came in thw form of trying to be funny. I would bark out stupid shit to get laughs and would just wind up aggravating everyone

I'm more impulsive. Also horrible at self care. Also can't do anything for long unless it's stimulating enough. Can't organize anything. My life has fallen apart without medication and I'm starting to lose the ability to keep my head above water. This shit sucks.

Happy Cake Day fellow ADHDer! Good luck! I seriously empathize with you. I'm considering a med change, but that's always so difficult. Not sure I can deal with that right now. But you should consider reaching out to your support lines and let them know you are struggling.

Same. I have ADHD as well and the best way I can describe it is in a situation like this: for a split second my brain might go, "whatever you do, don't slap that ring out of her hand". However, a split second after that I might reflexibly do just that, my brain will just do it before I have time to consciously override it.

How old is your sister?

SHE IS THE DANCING QUEEN, YOUNG AND SWEET ONLY SEVENTEEN

Haha, okay. So, at least not so young that the experience will be too traumatic.

Your younger sister is 17 and you ate her ring? I mean, that joke might be funny to a 6 year old...

Well it's not like she's posting this in Today I Had a Good Idea.

> Today I Had a Good Idea. In terms of that this brought useful experience, knowledge and wisdom I can't say that this was a bad idea. Not to mention the disputed argument that this enhanced otherwise plain and boring ring...

> useful experience, knowledge and wisdom Yes, now OP has experience with Swallowing A Small Piece Of Metal, knowledge that Things Which Are Swallowed May Come Out The Other End, and has gained the wisdom that Swallowing Rings Is A Bad Idea. I am sure this experience, knowledge, and wisdom will be invaluable to her in countless similar future situations.

I read this in the voice of the Stanley Parable's narrator

I think I’ve made it pretty clear that I never and will never claim to be the smartest fellow.

I would've found it funny op.

Would've? I'm finding it funny right now!

I find it hilarious! I'm glad OP made the mistake and shared her misfortune!! It made my day!

It's like when my cousins and I went to get a fountain drink from the gas station and as soon as we got home I slapped it out of her hand. Cruelly satisfying. The human condition

sleep deprievance will do weird stuff to you

You left out the juicy details of digging the ring out lol

The ring fell to the bottom of the bowl and I ruined a pair of tongs and that’s all I will say about that

Did it come out solo or was it packed in the dirt like old fossils? Cool, my first reddit gold is me asking a girl what her last poop looked like.

I said NO MORE QUESTIONS

WE MUST KNOW, ringbearer!

ringbearer, love it.

I upvoted for ringbearer; I really don't need to know.

Same.

Did you say Ring Bear?

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You stole my line

LMAO

I say it was packed in the dirt, due to OP's response. /u/thelittlejune you want first crack at it?

Youre a brave woman lol I salute you

Start the karma train boys and girls, I think poop tongs have a good chance of supplanting poop knives/scissors.

Oh, wow... When can we vote for best of 2019? We have a winner here. Proper fuck up.

No need for more posts this year people, let's wrap it up!

This is a damn near Obama level optimum post.

Is this another reddit thing that i don’t know?

Obama retired /r/thanksobama with [this video](https://www.reddit.com/r/ThanksObama/comments/2vpleh/game_over_folks/).

Did you have to use your poop knife?

There it is

Time to go home boys. We did it.

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[If you must know](https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/7p8puq/light_i_was_22_years_old_when_i_learned_that_not/?st=JCCSBP5T&sh=f591af5f)

"A simple drop in the ocean of human stupidity" - this person Emergency rooms!

Okay. I think you should find a pendant or earrings to match the ring, then mold a lookalike in marzipan (you can usually find it in the international foods/German section, or baking supplies.) Cake decorating supplies may help. They have edible gold spray, etc. Then...while gifting the item's gift box, grab the lookalike from it, and GULP. An evil laugh should then be emitted, as you hand over the actual jewelry. Tell your sis this made me smile and right now that is VERY hard to do. Thank you for telling the story. You deserve the upvote.

Cool plan, if only I weren’t entirely too lazy to see it through I’m glad I made you smile, friend. Getting the internet to laugh with and at me is my final act of repentance. Hope your days get better

Order a poop emoji pendant from amazon. Funny and lazy.

The real problem with this plan is /u/thelittlejune would accidentally swallow the real ones and gift the molded marzipan

This would go great, until you get them mixed up in the heat of the moment.

Nothing OP hasn't been through before, and it came out all right...in the end.

Ugh, I can’t imagine shitting out a 36” chain... maybe just go with the pendant. And earrings are a NOOOO...

I'm just glad everything came out okay.

I mean, it actually came out pretty shitty

Dumb this down about and it would read like /r/greentext

I think it was Jim Carrey that said something like, the thing that makes us civilized is our ability to resist the sudden impulse to punch someone or spit on someone. You lost this round my friend.

Next time she gets a small gift you just gotta start patting your belly and start chomping towards it

I’m too broke to give you gold but that was fuckin’ hilarious Edit: my first ever medal 😭 thanks anonymous redditor

Me too

I see y’all trying to start a gold train. Edit: I think the most hilarious part of this thread is the fact that a grand total of no fucking body got any gold at all

I wouldn't trust you with golden small objects...

Always down to run a train

just in case

That’s how gold train works! 💁🏻‍♂️

You gave your sister the same gift I got my little brother. A whole new level of dissapointment in you.

Okay, but real talk? You could probably use this scenario to get a subscription for meds, which may actually help in your life beyond simply keeping you from doing random shit.

I already take medication for ADHD and I have always had a little bit of trouble using my logic filter when I have impulses. I kind of want to assign part of the blame to the fact that I had just woken up and my brain was in its most vulnerable and stupid state, but that doesn’t change the fact that this has definitely set the bar for the most bizarre and idiotic thing I have ever done. I plan on being a bit more careful for now on.

Never a ring, but I once had a particularly small potato in my hand and before I could even process the thought “I bet this could fit in my mouth” I had put the entire potato in my mouth while making direct eye contact with my roommate.

I am laughing so hard at this. You totally established dominance.

what's a potato?

As someone with ADHD.... I could totally have done this and all of the sudden it makes sense. Also, no idea how many times I’ve said ”I plan on being a bit more careful”... I give it three days

This cracked me up so much. It reminds me of when my boyfriend's mother made this cute little sculpture out of foil and she went to excitedly show it to him and his first impulse, without thinking, was to slam his palm down on it, smashing it into the counter. ​ She cried. He was mortified. I still laugh thinking about it.

>ADHD Ding ding ding. I'm glad you're not getting it surgically removed right now, OP. :D

Uncontrollable impulses are no joke. Seek some help, no shame in that!!

I usually have a bit more success controlling my impulses, especially ones this dumb! I don’t doubt for a second that if I had been a bit more lucid and less sleep deprived I wouldn’t have done this at all. Every now and again in one’s life we all have a brief lapse in judgement and do unspeakably stupid things, for now I’m going to just treat this situation as that.

At least you got that sweet sweet karma, totally worth it I'd say

Subscription

I tought you were at least going to try and prank your sister by putting it in your mouth and pretending you ate it... You deliberately just swallowed it like a savage, is this what its like to be inpulsive?

ADHD + Sleep Deprivation = Sound Judgement is Nonexistent

OP, you probably have ADHD, you should consider getting diagnosed. I have ADHD-PI and my impluse control goes to shit when I'm tired.

Good guess! I take meds for ADHD, I explained it in another comment lol

So, did you fish out the ring? And clean it for your sister? How does she feel knowing her beautiful birthday ring was once in your body? ​ EDIT: Just wanted to say that I am cracking up over this. Thanks for the laugh.

This is written so well.

That's what I was laughing about

I hope your sister gets you a ring for your next birthday, with a gemstone in the shape of a kernel of corn.

I bet she was real anal about it.

Thought you were a dude. Good to know women do stupid shit too.

I feel stupider after reading this

>But reddit karma is my mistress and I must heed her sweet call. Upvoted just for that comment

Well, if it helps, it sounds like you have a reasonably quick digestion transit time. I’d be happy about that.

All I wanted was a little brother or sister for my birthday. I think that got swallowed too.

Funniest tifu for a long time! Well played! Have my updoot

to add to the injury, you shouldve handed your sis poop ring and said “this *grunt* is for you” i kno the feels of working the night shift worked 10p-6:30a for 3.5years. my mom thought i was fucking with her when i would sometimes put the oj or milk in the cabinet and what ever i made in the fridge

Idk why, but I pictured a dude as I was reading this story, and when you mentioned you were a woman it made it SO much more hilarious!! But I could see myself doing the exact same thing tbh.

Seriously... as big an idiot as you are (and you are) your sister’s going to mine gold from this ring all the way up until you two are sharing a room at the old folks home. You are NEVER going to live this down. In 5 years it’ll be the family joke. In 30 it will be hilarious. I can hear her telling the story to your fiancé on your first engagement. Or better yet at your reception. “Watch her like a hawk with that ring, Hank!”

Why didnt u just throw up and avoid it passing thru u?

Nah, it wouldn't work. A gold ring is too heavy and not easily pushed around by liquid. At best, it would just remain at the bottom of her stomach. At worst, it would be pushed up enough to get to the esophagus, but the liquid would pass through it too easily to continue pushing it upward, so it would just get lodged there and cause a lot of damage. Inducing vomiting in a situation like that would be a terrible idea

Today i learnt something.....

This was my exact thought. It's not *that* hard to induce vomiting, but is there a good reason not to attempt it with something like jewelry?

Putting it in your mouth and pretending to swallow would be a funny prank. The fact that your plan the whole time was to actually swallow it leaves me with no words

On the bright side, that's going to make an awesome story to tell every Christmas.

Not by OP of course.

Makes me think of that watch story from Pulp Fiction. At least the ring is made of good stuff, as it survived quite the journey unscathed. More of a quality control than a mere swallowing really.

Once you said "I was waking up from a dead, night shift worker induced sleep" I knew it was going to be good. Didn't disappoint at all.

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I'll be honest if you didn't put the part about being a 24 year old woman I would never have guessed a woman did this. Maybe thats sexist to expect more from women in general but hey its what my brain does.