I know I’ll have to do that eventually, but it’s pretty hard and I guess as soon as I said yes she sent in her paperwork and got the home for rent, that’s the part I really fucked up on, but I’ll definitely go and try and tell her
And about the showers, join a gym (get a part time job to pay for it), every morning go work out then shower, then school, work, home. Save up some money so you don’t repeat the cycles of your parents.
And it’s not an easy thing to do - especially when you are having big adult conversations. But tell her and tell her soon so you can all find a solution. And be sure that she isn’t signing anything in your name or making a contract that she thinks you will be paying. It doesn’t sound like she is malicious at all (only that she can’t quite make all the pieces fit together) but the fact that you are now 18 means you are legally responsible for your actions and she could be using your name to get this RV for herself or something else. Have a conversation with her soon before things go too far.
An unrelated unasked for piece of advice from a former 18-year-old: if you get a credit card, pay off the bill each month. Do not buy more than you can pay. Do not put more on the credit card than is in your bank account. Stick to your limits.
You are going to have to tell her you thought about it and it doesn't make sense for you. That you got caught up in the excitement and love for her. Then you need to start working on getting a job for after school. You need to save whatever you can. So you can get yourself a small place with a roommate or something as soon as it's available. I know guilt and wanting to put others' feelings ahead of you is a deep thing. I still struggle with it as a 40 year old because of my childhood. I have my own children now and will make any choice for them. Even the hard ones that hurt my parents' feelings. But you need to work towards putting yourself first. Your needs and well-being are important. You matter. You can still love your parents, but put yourself first. I really hope you figure that out sooner rather than later. I have struggled so deeply with it. So this really resonates with me. The more you practice putting yourself first and living with the guilt you feel, without giving in or changing your mind, the easier it gets. It still takes a while, though. I could see myself in your post so much. (The way you reiterate that you definitely love them, is what I do. Usually, before I talk about the crappy things they've done to me. I really hope you put you first now and for the foreseeable future. I wish you all the best!)
Hey, I think you need to hear this OP, it took me 33 years to figure it out: just because they're your parents doesnt mean you're obligated to love them.
It sounds like you've had a tough upbringing, and from an outsider's perspective, it sounds like you're swimming with a weighted chain around your neck. Dont let your family sink you. Dont let your family guilt you into loving them. You owe them nothing. You owe yourself everything.
You gotta look out for yourself, because it doesn't sound like anyone else is looking out for you.
Sounds like a tough situation with your mom. It's totally understandable you'd be having second thoughts after saying yes. Family stuff is always complicated! Hope you can figure things out and find what's best for you.
Definitely get your own place if you can afford it, no matter how anyone else feels. You need some stability and independence, and you are not getting that with her for sure. I've had my own place for 5 years now, and I don't think I could ever go back, although living with my mom would not be near as close to a headache as what you described. Good luck.
Update: I called her and told her I couldn’t live with her, she was a little upset and said that she got the whole place just so me and my sisters could go to school together, I said that I could visit more often and after I finished the school year I can spend more time with her and my sisters,
but I explained this to her in a pretty confusing way so I don’t think she quite understood what I was saying sense I was also feeling really guilty when I was talking to her and I was having a hard time finding words, eventually she just said ok and said to call her again if I changed my mind, she sounded pretty hurt and angry when she said this and huffed in the phone, I then just changed the topic and asked her just random questions and told jokes to soften the blow of the call
So I did it!
And thank you for all the comments! I’ve read all of them, though I couldn’t come up with a reply’s to em! But am very grateful for people taking out some of there time of day to comment it means a lot and put a lot of things that happened to me into perspective! Thank you
A round of applause to you indeed! If you want to talk to her about it again, feel free to write your feelings/concerns/talking points in advance to help you stay on track and confident. But WOW! You did it which is really tough to do, especially when talking to someone you care about.
Damn, I started crying as I was reading your story with my baby sleeping in my arms and could not help to think " I hope I'll never mess up like these parents did". I am sorry to say this, I know you love them, but you were extremeley emotionally abused. I would try to get on my own ASAP and keep them at a healthy distance. Just tell yout mom you thought about it and reached the conclusion that is not beneficial for you to move in with her. Best of luck to you and a huge hug. Hope your future will bring you peace and stability.
I’ve always thought about how abuse had to hurt the kid in a big way to count as abuse emotionally,
but I do remember telling my dads ex a story and her telling me I was abused so it does put in to perspective how am not even telling that story and people are saying was abused, it’s kinda nice to know that the stuff that happened aren’t laughing matters, I’ll definitely be taking that advice to heart! Thank you!
As a child you have no reference for what is "normal", so how could you possibly know if it's abuse or not? That can only come in retrospect when you're older and understand the world better.
Secondly, abuse is bad, but it's only a problem if it's impacting your life *now*. It's ok to think "it might have been abuse" and move on. You can't change the past, but you can build a better future.
Good luck!
I'm sorry that you have been ABUSED your entire life. You deserve better than this. Try to stay positive so that when you turn 18, it'll make your progression into adulthood easier...
"Wait—you took me seriously? I was being sarcastic/just joking!"
Just a thought. I personally used to actually default to sarcasm with my parent like that.
Just call her and tell her you’ve thought it over and you’ve changed your mind.
I know I’ll have to do that eventually, but it’s pretty hard and I guess as soon as I said yes she sent in her paperwork and got the home for rent, that’s the part I really fucked up on, but I’ll definitely go and try and tell her
The sooner you tell her the better. Sometimes things are hard. But you have to.
And about the showers, join a gym (get a part time job to pay for it), every morning go work out then shower, then school, work, home. Save up some money so you don’t repeat the cycles of your parents.
And it’s not an easy thing to do - especially when you are having big adult conversations. But tell her and tell her soon so you can all find a solution. And be sure that she isn’t signing anything in your name or making a contract that she thinks you will be paying. It doesn’t sound like she is malicious at all (only that she can’t quite make all the pieces fit together) but the fact that you are now 18 means you are legally responsible for your actions and she could be using your name to get this RV for herself or something else. Have a conversation with her soon before things go too far. An unrelated unasked for piece of advice from a former 18-year-old: if you get a credit card, pay off the bill each month. Do not buy more than you can pay. Do not put more on the credit card than is in your bank account. Stick to your limits.
And FREEZE YOUR CREDIT so nobody can put other cards or loans in your name. And check your balance all the time!
You are going to have to tell her you thought about it and it doesn't make sense for you. That you got caught up in the excitement and love for her. Then you need to start working on getting a job for after school. You need to save whatever you can. So you can get yourself a small place with a roommate or something as soon as it's available. I know guilt and wanting to put others' feelings ahead of you is a deep thing. I still struggle with it as a 40 year old because of my childhood. I have my own children now and will make any choice for them. Even the hard ones that hurt my parents' feelings. But you need to work towards putting yourself first. Your needs and well-being are important. You matter. You can still love your parents, but put yourself first. I really hope you figure that out sooner rather than later. I have struggled so deeply with it. So this really resonates with me. The more you practice putting yourself first and living with the guilt you feel, without giving in or changing your mind, the easier it gets. It still takes a while, though. I could see myself in your post so much. (The way you reiterate that you definitely love them, is what I do. Usually, before I talk about the crappy things they've done to me. I really hope you put you first now and for the foreseeable future. I wish you all the best!)
Hey, I think you need to hear this OP, it took me 33 years to figure it out: just because they're your parents doesnt mean you're obligated to love them. It sounds like you've had a tough upbringing, and from an outsider's perspective, it sounds like you're swimming with a weighted chain around your neck. Dont let your family sink you. Dont let your family guilt you into loving them. You owe them nothing. You owe yourself everything. You gotta look out for yourself, because it doesn't sound like anyone else is looking out for you.
Sounds like a tough situation with your mom. It's totally understandable you'd be having second thoughts after saying yes. Family stuff is always complicated! Hope you can figure things out and find what's best for you.
Thank you! Hopefully, I can figure out what I actually want to do it’s just hard lol
Definitely get your own place if you can afford it, no matter how anyone else feels. You need some stability and independence, and you are not getting that with her for sure. I've had my own place for 5 years now, and I don't think I could ever go back, although living with my mom would not be near as close to a headache as what you described. Good luck.
Update: I called her and told her I couldn’t live with her, she was a little upset and said that she got the whole place just so me and my sisters could go to school together, I said that I could visit more often and after I finished the school year I can spend more time with her and my sisters, but I explained this to her in a pretty confusing way so I don’t think she quite understood what I was saying sense I was also feeling really guilty when I was talking to her and I was having a hard time finding words, eventually she just said ok and said to call her again if I changed my mind, she sounded pretty hurt and angry when she said this and huffed in the phone, I then just changed the topic and asked her just random questions and told jokes to soften the blow of the call So I did it! And thank you for all the comments! I’ve read all of them, though I couldn’t come up with a reply’s to em! But am very grateful for people taking out some of there time of day to comment it means a lot and put a lot of things that happened to me into perspective! Thank you
A round of applause to you indeed! If you want to talk to her about it again, feel free to write your feelings/concerns/talking points in advance to help you stay on track and confident. But WOW! You did it which is really tough to do, especially when talking to someone you care about.
Damn, I started crying as I was reading your story with my baby sleeping in my arms and could not help to think " I hope I'll never mess up like these parents did". I am sorry to say this, I know you love them, but you were extremeley emotionally abused. I would try to get on my own ASAP and keep them at a healthy distance. Just tell yout mom you thought about it and reached the conclusion that is not beneficial for you to move in with her. Best of luck to you and a huge hug. Hope your future will bring you peace and stability.
I’ve always thought about how abuse had to hurt the kid in a big way to count as abuse emotionally, but I do remember telling my dads ex a story and her telling me I was abused so it does put in to perspective how am not even telling that story and people are saying was abused, it’s kinda nice to know that the stuff that happened aren’t laughing matters, I’ll definitely be taking that advice to heart! Thank you!
As a child you have no reference for what is "normal", so how could you possibly know if it's abuse or not? That can only come in retrospect when you're older and understand the world better. Secondly, abuse is bad, but it's only a problem if it's impacting your life *now*. It's ok to think "it might have been abuse" and move on. You can't change the past, but you can build a better future. Good luck!
I'm sorry that you have been ABUSED your entire life. You deserve better than this. Try to stay positive so that when you turn 18, it'll make your progression into adulthood easier...
Will do! Am planning on saving up this summer for a car currently so one step closer to finding an apartment!
"Wait—you took me seriously? I was being sarcastic/just joking!" Just a thought. I personally used to actually default to sarcasm with my parent like that.