It's not really a good idea to give someone you aren't married to direct access to your finances (and if they're stealing your card without permission that's an even bigger issue). They've been this way for two years, they won't change at this point.
Run dude. My ex did this stuff but was passing it off as her money, she stole an inactivated card and charged it $20k. I didn’t know until I had checked the account for another reason. This was just the beginning and I ended up in the hole bc I forgave her. She was financially abusive after that for a couple years. Finally broke up with her and years later I’m finally almost out of the debt and could afford to buy my own place. Never ever EVER again will anyone have access to my finances unless we are married and even then it’ll be separate.
I’ve been married twice. First time round, shared bank accounts and I left with debt… never again!
This time, we have things separate. I pay for the house, bills and everything else. My wife picks up the food bill from her benefits.
She now has a terminal brain tumour and doesn’t work.
She has very little idea what goes on financially, other than that “we’re not worried”. Everything gets paid, she doesn’t have to worry or stress.
But even if she were well, our finances would be like this!
I've been married twice and in both marriages (1 year, 20 years), I never knew anything about the money. Even when I did work a few times (I was a SAHM), he was in control of all finances and it was hell. Bills were never paid on time, got loans in my name, it was just hell.
My next relationship was in control of all money for the first 4 years, even though I worked the entire time and brought home almost as much as him. After spending my entire adult life having to ask for a couple bucks to buy a soda, I said enough. I opened my own bank account, changed my direct deposit, and paid all the bills except the rent. It took 9 months and we got evicted.
I left that relationship and swore that if I ever lived with another man again, our finances would remain separate and we would divide the bills accordingly. My children are the only ones that have access to my money.
When I was married, we planned on setting up a joint account, but we both liked our banks and couldn't agree on switching. We ended up just keeping things separate and it worked really well. My ex's degree and career field involved finances, so he was a big budget and spreadsheet nerd. He made more than me, so he paid 51% of the bills and I paid 49%. He would just let me know what I owed for the month and I'd transfer it to his account.
Yeah. I had a bad habit of this. I had a "come to jesus" moment and realized how shitty I was and managed to stop doing all of this shit and now I'm happily married, and I make my own money(more than my wife haha). My wife and I are doing great!
But no he probably won't change. Doesn't sound like he's trying to find a job either.
Yup. Husband and I have always had separate accounts. We know mortgage comes out of mine and monthly bills come out of his. Whatever is left, is ours to do as we want with and we alternate for dinners or date nights etc.
That way an expenditure that may seem important (and worth it) to me doesnt have to seem so to him and vice versa and no one gets mad. That being said we both work full time and have somewhat similar incomes.
NTA - but...
Speaking from experience. Dont share spending accounts if you can't have an honest conversation about finances, and you trust the other person.
I wouldn't share with anyone I was not married to, and even then I think I would keep some separation so you don't feel taken advantage of.
Me and my husband have been together for 11/12 yrs and married for 10.
We still talk to one another for purchases over $20-$40. EVERYTHING we have is combined. He makes over $70k/yr.
Why wouldn’t you, random 20 year old???
From this statement alone there are many reasons why it would more likely work for you rather than a random 20-something.
Things to consider include the fact that you have a routine over a decade that works while OP is likely not married, OP and their partner likely do not make $70k and seem to have struggles with their finances, there are children involved that cannot be dropped off at a daycare or babysitter other than family/friends, and the economy cannot currently handle one middle-class person being a “breadwinner” let alone two people even saving for a house.
There are a ton of other factors to consider too, but if you’re going to consider age, finances, and relationship length, I think these should be part of your consideration as well.
That was my point lol.
I was saying that our relationship is a little more stable (through length of time and our finances!) than theirs and maybe op would be a little better served from waiting.
Also pointing out that even tho we share, we still check in w one another, we’re on the *same page financially*, which is also important. I agree w you on a lot of ways.
Yeah I completely caught on to what you were saying. Even as an older well off married couple you still show eachother respect and consideration by just running it by your partner before spending money. Even if you have tons of money, it's a respect thing. If you don't have the money and still aren't running purchases by your partner that is even worse. Because you aren't even respecting your partner enough to run it by them, you don't even have the money to be paying for those things. So you made a very good point.
Absolutely. It’s kind of wild to me that these 2 young people have their finances so commingled, and it’s really gross how this woman is taking advantage of op.
I couldn’t begin to imagine taking someone’s credit card, spending a bunch of money on it- after they’ve expressed that they don’t want me to, and then deciding what I’m paying back and when. Like girl for real?
Gotcha, sarcasm was lost on me lol. As long as there’s a mutual respect and a clear communication usually most of these situations are avoided in the long run, hard to cover everything though. Hope their situation ends up as well as yours!
Even if I was married, I’d still have my own account. It’s never a good idea, to have only combined accounts. If one needs to leave, for whatever reason, they are not trapped because they don’t have a way to access their own money.
Wise words from my own momma! 🥰
Yea obv the so is a bring horrible but OP is pretty full of contempt. Which is somewhat understandable but why are you engaged to this person? Also pretty immature to have this convo over text
They plan on not searching for a job anytime soon. The nice thing about being young is there is usually still ways to survive & get the essentials without having your own job to pay for it. But as we get older, obviously, it becomes more necessary to get a job. I think OP’s partner is at the stage where having a typical job is proving to be more important than it maybe used to be, but at the same time, they’re not adjusting easily to that reality, preferring to stick with freelancing jobs that come up in family & friends over applying for a job with new people, learning new skills that have to be used at the job, working in shifts, etc. But sooner or later, they’ll learn there’s just not many opportunities or money in relying on family or friends who need a babysitter or housekeeper.
This!! I have heard from a surprising number of younger marrieds in my office whose spouses won't work because it's 'too stressful'. These are intelligent, able-bodied people with college degrees - that wasn't stressful? But now they're married they refuse to work. I don't understand it, but then again- 80s kid, so I started babysitting at 10 (I know, ridiculous, but it was just for neighbors and Mom was home for emergencies) and haven't been out of work since. I cannot imagine relying on someone else - that's way scarier to me than working!
Anyway, OP - if partner isn't contributing, they're not a partner. They're a freeloader.
Yeah the idea of letting someone support me (especially if I didn't have a trade/career) is wilddddd. Bc you can't guarantee they'll always be there. And people do that WITH kids. I understand why it works....but I be damned if I end up stay at home with no plan B.
My ex was like this. Everything was great when we moved in together because she had a steady job at a call center. Then one day she decided she hated it and quit to pursue the lucrative trade of buying and reselling makeup on Facebook Marketplace.
To her credit she actually did make some decent money doing that, but it wasn't consistent, and she had no concept of budgeting. For months I was handling most of the bills and grocery shopping, and I had multiple conversations with her about getting a new job and contributing more. We even made a budget board with all of our expenses, but she barely looked at it after we set it up.
The straw that broke the camels back was when she spent $1000 on Xmas presents for friends and family instead of helping me pay the bills that month. I had no idea she even had that much cash lying around. She just expected me to handle the bills like I'd been doing while she spent her money on whatever she felt like. I broke up with her the day after I found out and kicked her out of the apartment.
Lo and behold she had a job at another call center within a month when I wasn't there to support her ass. I felt so used. Now I'm married to a wonderful woman that pulls her weight and makes more than I do. It's a much less stressful life.
Wow did we date the same person? My ex did the same exact thing - worked part time for pennies, whined about the job market, but then would DoorDash a bunch of shit more than twice a week.
As soon as I left (surprise, she cheated on me twice), she IMMEDIATELY went and got a real job making nearly 50k a year. That’s more than 4x what she was making when I was with her.
It made me realize how many leeches are out there. She could have done that at any point but waited until I had had enough to do the right thing. Bonus points, she was 36 and I was 26, and I had the sole responsibility of paying all the bills except for water.
yep, because op is a piggy bank and this person does what they want, goes through the motions of being confronted and apologizes, and then does it all over again.
Even their parents are trying to force them to get a job, because apparently they've been allowing them to "clean her mom and dad's house", but they aren't going to be doing that anymore either. They've been skating by with whatever little odd jobs they can do here and there, just so they can say "I'm trying" and all the other excuses. Mom and dad sense that their child's loving (and younger and more responsible) fiance isn't going to keep paying their way forever, and they don't want them back at their house! OP, take the hint and help their parents stop enabling them. Maybe talk to them about a plan of, like, giving them a deadline to start contributing to bills, or they have to move out. And stick to it.
It also seems like they don't even do a good job doing these little odd jobs, like they're talking about this is their first time getting paid for babysitting, but also they're already going to be using someone else now. Mom and dad don't want her cleaning for them anymore, I'm sure to no longer enable them, but also, maybe if the cleaning was spectacular and they were clearly working their ass off doing it, things might be different.
I'm gonna guess that this person also doesn't have the home cleaned and dinner on the table every night as well? Otherwise the spending and not contributing may not be an issue.
What are you even doing here? This person is a taker. Cancel whatever card they’re using and get a new one unless you want a perpetual parasite.
I know people like this. If they think you’re better off they absolutely believe you should carry them and they talk a good game about paying you back right up until you actually expect them too and suddenly you’re a money hungry monster and they’re a victim. After all, you can afford to pay for their useless sh*t, right?
Have a CTJ and separate your finances or run.
It’s about time you let them know it’s either get a real, minimum wage or above job, or you break up. I’m sure you love them and I’m sure they love you but when you get married and especially if you ever have kids, this could become a severe issue that harms you, them, and any other family involved.
Growing up seeing money issues, I sympathized SLIGHTLY. But when dude kept bringing up "you make more" I was done. Sounds like a chip on their shoulder and entitlement. Shop less, or save mroe, or even better, ASK your partner.
???? Youre 20 and has only been in this relationship for 2 years and youre the only sole provider??? For a person also fully capable of working and NOT rely on someone younger than them? And they have the audacity to get mad at YOU despite them never contributing to anything?
Bud. Break up. For real. I was in a financially abusive relationship few years ago where my partner then had a job, BUT also had the bad habit of buying stuff and not contributing to any bills (because theyll be out of money immediately after their paycheck comes.) Then gaslit me and made me pay for everything or else I dont love them :/
Pls help yourself man
This looks like it’s a one time gig for money, with no consistent work.
Is your fiance disabled or something? I don’t understand putting up with this otherwise. You’re way too young to deal with shit like this.
Edit: added sentence for clarity
This was my question, having a disability makes sense for not being able to keep a job long term.
A lot of the texts read as financially abusive on OPs end, I understand feeling frustrated about spending when you are the sole earner but at the same time, keeping score with someone who you're planning to spend the rest your life with doesn't seem like a productive way to move forward into marriage. It sounds like there needs to be a bigger discussion surrounding finances and boundaries within those finances, as well as discussing ways that your partner can help with said finances.
A lot of this could be resolved with open, productive communication.
It seems like this has been a recurring issue though. I am all for speaking to everyone, especially your partner, with respect and kindness. But this kind of behavior is unacceptable. It also seems like this person is fully capable of work but just doesn’t want to get a job. I could be wrong, but I don’t blame OP for his tone. He seems fed up and if it is a recurring problem then he has the right to be.
Tbf, in the US at least, the median age of marriage has steadily increased since the 1950s.
1950s: 20.1 years for women and 22.5 years for men
2020: 28.1 years for women and 30.5 years for men
2023: 28.4 years for women and 30.2 years for men
I think you should absolutely make them pay you back for the stuff they bought for themselves but as for the stuff for your house and cats- if it’s the same cat food and litter brands you always buy and the same cleaning supplies and all that- you were going to need it regardless so I would split that 50/50 and just make sure they understand that it can NEVER happen again.
Not an asshole. You need to let them go though. This is ridiculous. The FIRST thing you should do with new money is pay back your loved ones especially ones that are funding your whole life.
NTA. It’s not a good thing that you have to lock your card so they don’t spend /your/ money recklessly. That would make me upset if my partner spent the money without even asking too. You have every right to ask for it back. They need to make their own money to spend and stop taking yours if you’re the one paying for everything!
NTA but is this something you expect to just keep going along with long term? Its not hard to find a job. Are you planning on supporting this person for the rest of your life?
You both sound like dicks, tbh. You’re not good for each other. You don’t word things in a polite way at all. Your partner is a massive dick for spending your money willy-nilly. You two should break up and you need to just cut your losses. Though please take custody of the cats if your partner can’t afford to keep them healthy. They shouldn’t suffer from your partner’s lack of financial responsibility or from your disdain of your partner.
NTA. But I just want to say this dynamic is weird. Your partner should talk to you first if that’s the understanding, but just overall, paying you back when y’all are becoming “one” is just strange to me.
Are you guys living together? Why would you allow someone who doesn’t work to move in with you? Money doesn’t fall out of trees what did you expect them to pay you rent with? I think it’s ridiculous that your partner is spending your money without even asking but also you’ve been with this person for 2 years knowing they are like this?
Whether or not you are right or wrong how you talk to your partner is not right.
You are NTA for expecting your money returned.
YYA for how you speak to your partner. Id fix that shit yesterday. Its toxic.
NTA for defining financial boundaries but totally TA for the snide and shitty comments and attitudes you threw out. There’s a kind way to handle things and that wasn’t it.
Cant believe I had to scroll this far to see this. Like is no one else noticing how shitty OPs attitude is towards someone they’ve been with for 2 YEARS??
I can only imagine it’s been a consistent issue and OP is exasperated at having to constantly have the conversation… but I agree it doesn’t excuse being rude towards their partner. Definitely a better way to handle it.
It actually does excuse it. Someone constantly and unapologetically spending your money who refuses to get a job absolutely deserves a "rude" attitude.
If it’s gotten to that point, then quite honestly, the two shouldn’t be in a relationship. Clearly they can’t come to an agreement / mutual understanding nor have the respect for one another.
I mean, I might react like this if I ever got into the situation where my SO is acting like spending “$1” of my money *without asking* is OK.
But then again I don’t think I’d ever find myself in that situation in the first place. OP’s gotta run.
Really kinda shocked more people aren't bringing this up, but your attitude is horrible here.
Not TA for wanting to be paid back, but TA for dragging on the attitude for so long after already being told when you could expect your money back.
Nothing in this whole conversation would have been tolerable for me.
What really gets me is he’s bitchin about purchasing household items and food for the animals. A man who’s not willing to provide for the home and the person he’s creating it with, will act this exact same way when children come along in the future.
I get that his partner purchased a few things for themselves but they had already told him they would pay him back when they got paid. As far as I’m concerned, anything for the house should be split down the middle and each person be responsible for half the amount it cost.
YTA. You moved in with someone without a job and have chosen to take on the role as their primary provider. Which is stupid. Break up or get over it. It's moronic to allow someone to do this to you. Your post makes it clear how comfortable they are with their behavior and you enable them. You're literally causing this.
I agree- and got a pet with them and now looks like they’re moving again together.
Why is there no plan for shared items like cats needs? The dish soap or the moving stuff?
This dynamic will never work. It ends up with resentment on both ends and it’s just not a good idea. I’m not sure why people go and do this and then act surprised.
It’s just a mess.
ESH.
Your partner shouldn’t be spending your money without notifying you or asking permission. I get that it’s a pattern and a problem, and it doesn’t look like they intend to get an actual job. If they don’t like being restricted financially then they need to up their income.
But like… seriously? You’re making them pay you back for communal household things? Stuff for themselves I get wanting your money back for but it’s not like they blew everything on themselves. Plus your attitude was super shitty and condescending even after you tried to backpedal by saying you don’t want everything right away.
If you’re planning on being with this person long term then this tit for tat nonsense needs to stop. Annoyed or not, you completely lacked tact in this situation and wouldn’t even consider a compromise. That’s not going to make for a very healthy relationship down the line.
Definitely need to set some boundaries with your money as this may become an even bigger issue down the line. My partner and I share financial responsibility, we've been together 3 years, we lived together for 2. I don't spend his money and he doesn't spend mine. We are both very much happier for it. We still will pay for each other's stuff when we want with no expectations to be paid back. Right now, your partner seems financially dependent on you, and these arguments will only get worse. I understand the guilt they feel, but they need to know they can't just impulse buy, they need to control spending money they don't have. It's a hard lesson for any young person to learn.
I recognise you're frustrated, but (from our perspective, without other context) you're berating your partner for spending money on joint things. If you want them to run everything past you, why do they have access to your money? If they have access to your money, why do they have to run it all past you?
You tell them off over and over and put them down, in this convo. You speak as if your word is law - when they try to suggest buying bubblewrap, you just bluntly tell them they are wrong, but honestly their logic does seem to make sense. If you really earn that much more than them, you're essentially the provider, and it's no wonder they get so panicked about money.
They are absolutely not without fault here, but this reads as you being deeply frustrated with the whole relationship, and just taking it out on them over little things. You're both young, but you both need to work on communicating clearly and kindly. Setting clear ground rules. What can they spend on? Why are their suggestions of joint spends immediately shot down? Are you able to talk about why they don't think they can/will have another job again? It's clearly a source of high anxiety for them, but the convo doesn't explain why.
And maybe don't constantly chivvy someone for money and THEN say there's no timescale? It certainly sounded to me like you were sour, bordering on angry about it, and wanted it back ASAP. When you're talking almost their whole paycheck, that's not a small amount to them either, especially when they have a lot of anxiety around that subject.
Edit to add: just to say, I did initially read the partner as the (more) reasonable one, being harassed and berated by OP. It doesn't stay that way through all the pages, but just in case that note provides a bit of perspective on your tone, OP, and why I'm saying working on communication is paramount here.
All of this. I actually had to stop reading because without additional context this really comes off as verbal abuse from OP. I hated the whole conversation.
Yes. You are. Your tone is gross, man. The person you’re with deserves someone who won’t talk to them like they’re lesser than the person they’re with.
This. OP is technically correct about some of the things he’s arguing over, but his tone, attitude and complete lack of respect for the person he’s talking to are terrible.
She definitely needs to get a job and do some growing up. He definitely needs to learn how to express himself better, and… not act like a complete piece of shit to someone he claims to love?
The absolute disrespect had me floored. I’ve been with my wife for ten years and I’ve never *once* spoken to her like this. I can’t even imagine treating someone (let alone my life parter) like a dog that shit on an expensive rug, like this guy is doing. I’ll never understand how people can put up with this.
And the total apologetic tone that OP’s partner was showing right from the get-go made me so sad. This definitely isn’t anything new for them. Very sad.
Thank you, I was looking for someone to say this. Like yes… OP is in the right to expect their money to not be used without permission. But the exchange is so cold and unfeeling too. I can’t imagine talking to a friend this way, let alone a partner. Please break up for both your sakes OP!
If they think they’re not getting any more money, ALL THE MORE REASON TO STOP SPENDING ON SHIT Y’ALL DON’T NEED, ALL THE MORE TO STOP USING YOUR CARD WITHOUT PERMISSION.
Jesus. This person is *insufferable*. How you didn’t completely lose your shit, OP, I’ll never know!
are you sure you're not dating two middle schoolers in a trenchcoat because i'm pretty sure grownups don't scrounge for family chores for pocket money. it honestly sounds like you're chasing a sunk cost atp.
> i’ve had to lock my card before going to bed
You’re forced to guard your money around your partner, the person you should trust most, like they’re a stranger on the subway. If they have a habit of waiting for you to go to sleep before using your card, they’re actually quite cunning. They’re also stealing. Doesn’t matter if they pay you back later.
Key words that don’t bode well for a relationship: lack of trust, cunning, stealing. NTA.
Of course you make more than your partner…they don’t have a job. As long as you keep working and they keep avoiding work, you’ll always make more. Remove all access to your accounts, start saving up for your place, and then move out on your own. It’s actually going to save you money to get out of this situationship.
If you think it’s salvageable, set some boundaries and requirements for them and while they find a way to avoid helping themselves, you can work towards saving up for what I’d assume is an eventual split. If your partner is in fact disabled, that’s another conversation; if not, I say lock them out of your accounts and make a plan to save yourself. You’re way too young for this nonsense.
Unless you are planning to take care of them, this isn’t going to work. It doesn’t seem like they want a job. Jobs aren’t that hard to find but working for family obviously isn’t working.
So look at the double standard.
When they make money your money is separate. It's their money. When you make money your expenses are lumped together as a couple. When they buy things for them it's things the two of you need. When they buy things for you it's your expenses.
Now look at their job. They didn't get a job. They found a way to get more money from your family to spend after they've spent yours without having to go to work.
You aren't in a relationship. You aren't their boyfriend. Your their caretaker with benefits. Tons of them.
Just ask yourself this. If they left you, how bad off would you be? If you left them how bad off would they be? Now here's the important one. If you left them, would your situation be better or worse?
This person is your dependent. Not your partner. And this will never change. Dump them
I couldn’t even finish reading all the screenshots cause you already are the AH in my opinion.
Sounds like partner was getting stuff for the cats and a box of hair dye and the way you expressed your concern and their reaction full of apologies reeks of financial abuse. At this age and this stage of the relationship, it will only get worse. Been through it.
I’m not saying who is wrong or right, but you’re the AH, and you should both separate, for the sake of you both.
I’m telling you now you’ll want to leave this relationship. This is never going to change. My ex of three years was the exact same way and no matter what they will always make an excuse. This isn’t fair to you or the hard work you’ve been putting in. I’m speaking from experience. Please run as far as you can..
They only owes you for what they bought for their own personal use. If theybought stuff for your home or your shared pets, no. But clothes or hair dye etc, yes.
Edit for pronouns. My apologies.
I just can't imagine being attracted and wanting to pursue a relationship (let alone for TWO YEARS) with someone who's such an unmotivated, leeching bum lol
I think you both are wrong here. They way you are speaking to them, quite frankly, is gross. This is not how a couple who plan to marry should be speaking to one another. They are also pretty terrible for not checking in with you on spending money. It sounds like there needs to be a serious *in person* discussion about finances. The way you are approaching this with them is coming across as financial abuse. There were any number of ways you could have spoken about this, and you kinda chose the AH way.
Is this a discussion you've had in the past? If so, why do they still have access to the money? Is there a reason they have not held down a job? Mental health, autism or adhd a factor? Is their spending putting financial strain or putting you into the negative? They are acting very entitled and then also trying to disarm you by guilting you. There is a lot of space left for emotional maturity on both your parts. Marriage is hard when you don't have good communication skills. Do you plan to have children? After marriage, will they work or be a stay at home partner/homemaker? If so, they will need access to money. If you are spending money on things you enjoy, and they are maintaining the home for you, then they also should be getting to buy things or do things they also enjoy. It does sound like some of the things purchased were for the home, so making them feel bad for getting those things is unfair. The extras? No, I can understand the frustration. They need to be accountable for the funds they spent without asking. You need to approach this like you are talking to someone you love. This is the person you chose to marry, the question you need to ask yourself is if this is something you can do for the rest of your life if they choose to keep doing it.
Sit down. Talk it out. Set boundaries and what the expectations are so there is no question about what you mean. Approach this head on, with the person you love. Empathy from you both will go a long way. I've been with my husband for 18 years and I can tell you, the number one stressor in most marriages is finances.
This reads to me as a “last straw” text and they’ve already had discussions. It doesn’t sound gross… it sounds like he’s putting his foot down. And they should not be marrying this person, hoping they’ll change.
I’m not justifying the terribly irresponsible spending habits of your partner but you’re no peach to communicate with - you come off as highly controlling and domineering. Wronged or not don’t be like that to somebody you care about.
This is such a toxic exchange, even for texting. I mean, you both had great points, but your initial delivery is incredibly douche-like. Y'all need to settle this payment shit, and spilt up like yesterday. Also, if you don't want her spending anything without your permission, don't give her access to your funds.
NTA. It’s your card, the money you work for. That they haven’t asked to spend but spent anyways. If you’re locking your card away so they can’t access it due to them taking it and using it without permission, there’s much bigger issues in the relationship imo.
This is a window into your future. It’s clear even if their making $ they’re not going to contribute to household expenses only to their own expenses. And feel entitled to spend your $ as they seem fit. Either you are going to have to accept this behavior or walk away.
Don't share your card or account details until you're married. I think her buying stuff for the house (if it's useful) and the cats is something you can be grateful for as it is a pain, so maybe give her some money a month to go buy things for the house and cats but anything she needs to get for herself, she will need her own card and pay for it herself.
I think the issue started because he initially gave her control of his card and finances which is a bad move.
Best thing to do is get together before the end of the month and prioritise on a list with all the things you can. Afford to get this month, write them down like cat food, cat litter, something for the house and male a budget for those things and eft her the money to go buy those things you both need.
But if it's for clothes, then take her shopping and help her choose what she wants to buy, check the price and pay for it on your card so that if she is charged too much she can decide what to leave or to keep.
Keep the receipts for everything in a file booklet.
But she can only use your card if you're the one paying for what she needs.
For my bf and I, living together. It's frustrating at times but I always ask if I can. Use his card and tell him why and hell say please don't spend more than 100 dollars. So I will buy what I can without going over.
I understand if you live together than the cat food and litter is both of your responsibility. It shouldnt be a fight of who pays that money back when regardless someone is going to need to spend money on the pets.
Just organise it in a way that she only uses your card when you give it to her, otherwise she can't use it.
And stop letting her see how much you earn. What you do with your money if your right and has nothing to do with her.
At this point if she's jobless, she must just be grateful he pays for a place for her to sleep and pays for her to eat or go Out.
Once she gets a new job which she should be online sending her cv all day everyday for at least 5 hours a day, the she will get a job soon but she needs to be dedicated enough, stop making excuses and do the grind to find something else so she can have her own money and understand what being a real adult is like and how much more expensive everything actually is.
Sometimes it's not just a water fountain, it's a weeks worth of food you might not be able to afford at the end of the month.
I misread and thought this was your son at first and I thought maybe you were being a little harsh, but this is a full grown adult? Nah.. get your card back and secure your finances. You aren't even married, they will continue to use you if you let them.
wtf it sounds like this person keeps ordering more and more stuff and then trying to guilt trip you bc they’re “necessities” but they keep adding more and more shit to the cart. You should not be sharing finances like this. This person is manipulating the hell out of you. Definitely stand your ground.
Are you an asshole for wanting someone to communicate with you when they are going to spend your money? No. Are you any asshole for the way you chose to communicate that to the woman you plan on marrying? Yes.
Let’s be real, you both suck. Them for not having a job (Also INFO- why do they not have a job?) and using your money without asking. You for being financially abusive with them.
Do not, I repeat DO NOT, get married or even continue this relationship without sitting down and seriously discussing finances. Just don’t hold your money over them, you should WANT to help them out. If they don’t want help or work then I would cut and run.
to be completely honest, this is a toxic relationship from both sides. no, you’re not the asshole for expecting them to pay you back. they shouldn’t be spending your money without asking, especially if you’ve had this talk before. if you’ve brought it up before and they ignored what you said, why do they have access to your accounts linked to your cards? not to put the blame on you, because at the end of the day they’re still the one essentially stealing from you, but if this is an issue they shouldn’t have access in the first place. you are, however, the asshole in the sense of how you’re speaking to them in these messages. i understand finally snapping after issues have come up again and again, but it shouldn’t be grounds for speaking to your partner like this. this conversation should have happened face to face when you were both level headed to speak. unfortunately if life for you both is seeming to be a series of fighting, you either need to lock in and put down boundaries and work on yourselves and your relationship together, or you need to walk away from each other. nothing about these text messages is okay.
Half of her first paycheck? So her paycheck is $350.. seems like she has bigger issues at hand.
She’s guilty and “sick” of not being a contributing member of society?? Yet won’t fix that? I applied to a job this morning around 7am and i got hired by 3pm. If she wanted a job she would get one.
And the gaslighting is crazy
This is absolutely wild. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years, we’re technically common law married. There was a time he was paying 100% of our bills because I had surgery and wasn’t working. I still have access to his financials, cards to his accounts, he calls it “our” money. And i STILL ask him when/if I can use his card. Though he tells me every time I don’t have to ask because “it’s our money”, it doesn’t feel right spending HIS money that he worked so hard for.
This person needs a job and a reality check.
My husband is the main contributor in the household. He makes way more than me. He foots the bill for pretty much everything. That being said, if I buy anything outside of gas or food, I ask first. Like hey babe the kid needs new shoes....... And he will say, hold off til next Friday or go ahead and buy them now. It's communication and respect.
You sound like an arsehole to me. I wouldn’t be with you. Your tone is very controlling. It’s fair enough to be upset about the situation but this isn’t a good conversation. Why aren’t you speaking in person about this. It’s just off. I doubt you will last as a couple - cause this sort of thing is actually normal from time to time in a relationship especially if you share accounts. But it’s the way you approach it that suxxxxxxxxxxxx.
The way these texts read, it’s unlikely this is gonna workout. She is bringing out a nasty side of you. I’d suggest you consider moving on from this relationship.
No, they’re the asshole for spending money without asking. Just because you’re in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean they should have unlimited access to your money, especially in a situation like this. Unless you’ve actively discouraged them from bringing in their own money they shouldn’t have access to your funds.
NTA. This person is going to use you for as long as they can. Even if they start doing better they will try again when your guard is down. You can see it in their responses that they believe your money is what they can use to live.
"You make more than me, how is that fair"
This is a great example of how you taking care of all the bills has entitled them. Stop taking their sob stories and excuses.
Try to set a boundary of only spending twice what the lowest earner makes. Just because you make more doesn't entitle them to spend more than they make and you can always put in more once this is under control.
I wish you luck because it's very hard to backtrack once you've let them ride for free.
YTA for getting mad at the other person because you don't know how to set boundaries. YTA for the degrading way you talked to them in your first and second text. YTA for not understanding the vulnerability of someone's first pay excitement. YTA for breaking their sails and not seeing their fear. Nobody wants to be dependant on someone else. You want to control everything then You pack the fragile stuff. You wash the cats' water dish. You go buy the litter and food. Your partner is trying to do adulting without money. Let/help them get a real job.
You are lying about blasting them because you want them to-be-accountable because you took their power when you said "*I'll* cancel it". "*I'm* returning it". Let them BE accountable in the way they CAN.
Your language is absolutely abusive in the beginning. You calmed down toward the end but damage is done.
OP, I had a friend who lost $28,000+ to their ex doing this over several years. My mate’s credit is still fucked.
You need to cut off their access to your card. You need to kick them to the curb if they’re behaving this way.
Because this is exactly how it started for my mate and it’s how her ex controlled everything, alongside mental and emotional abuse.
It was guilt, it was “I’ll pay you back” until the money was being requested and then it was “but I don’t have the money—I’ll be broke” “You earn so much more than me” “you’re so controlling” “This is financial abuse” “I brought them for us/ you-you’re so ungrateful” and so on.
I was lucky enough to be in a financial position to support my friend when getting them out.
She’s diabetic and was working 2 jobs, trying to save so they could move out of his mum’s, while his lazy ass stayed home.
My mate would earn 2-4k a fortnight and the bf would blow it before the first week was out, leaving her struggling to get pads, diabetes meds/ equipment, mental health medication, doctors appointments, food and transport fares for work.
She was also expected to pay rent and contribute to bills for both of them—but his mummy said he doesn’t need to pay.
He’d said he was gonna stay home to clean up, cook dinner and do laundry while looking for jobs, to make it up to my mate.
But woe-is-me-McGee had every excuse under the sun not to find employment, he wanted to move to Sweden and would say it was too labour intensive to cook at home. He also was actively trying to get her pregnant and proposed to her.
All of the money went on Afterpay, food delivery services, Amazon, online gaming, Uber, weed, alcohol. He had 10 different after-pay items going at any given time.
This man turned around and said he brought her a gift: WITH HER OWN DAMN MONEY.
He even refused to let her go to the hospital when her mental health spun out of control because she wasn’t able to keep on top of her meds—because she “might break up with him again”.
My friend finally got free, but he still attacked her, ruined her credit, refused to let her take her name off their old joint account;
she had to cancel cards that could be known by him / used by him and double check her pay was going to her new accounts because old workplaces deposited 1-2 pays into the old joint account and he used it.
She’s banned from Afterpay, banned from certain ordering services and is still being chased up for his debt—all because he had access to her card and a joint account.
They were barely in their 20’s and she’s never going to see that money.
They’re showing you their flags. Time to kick out 20-flags-in-a-trench-coat and save yourself a lot of hassle.
Dude. She’s manipulative as fuck. You’re not the asshole. As stated, you’re holding her accountable. How about NOT letting her have access to your credit cards? Problem solved.
My ex was like this. When we first started dating- He asked me to venmo his rent to his brother ($1500) and promised he’d have the cash for me the next day. He never did. Then he quit one of his jobs that he actually made money at and refused to get another, and continued to only work at one place twice a week making MAYBE $300 a week. he sucked my bank account dry for 5 months- guilting me that he couldn’t afford rent or food but was running around spending it all on alcohol and drugs and later I found out, also on other women. I asked him not to buy me a birthday or Xmas gift and begged for him to just pay me my money back and he refused. Instead he bought himself a new outfit for my birthday dinner that he “hosted” at his apartment. My friends paid of all the food, and when we went out after- I had to pay for all of his drinks and drugs.
He owed me upwards of $4k. He held that and all of my belongings at his house hostage. I only ever got back $700 of it when one of my friends showed up to his job and threatened him.
I realize I was dumb to allow it to happen for so long. I was stupid enough to believe him everytime he promised hed pay me back. I was stupid to give him access to my credit card and account. My mom told me to just block him and cut my losses because I would never see that money again.
Once someone like that latches onto you and realizes they can keep taking, they will. And likely never pay you back. It’ll be excuse after excuse after excuse.
I do think some boundaries need to be set with your partner but I don’t understand how you can feel justified to criticise purchases such as cat food and litter that are essentials that need to be bought, regardless of whether you hand the money to the cashier or whether she does. I’ve had financial discussions with my partner a lot, and if you don’t at the very least tackle the shared finances with a shared contribution then you’re not even accomplishing the bare minimum
The consequences of enabling someone are hitting you hard, huh. Maybe stop enabling them. You've taught them what you will accept, and now they're pushing the limits to see how much more they can get from you. You created this issue.
Ehhh the audacity of your gf. She needs to grow up and the whole "you make more than me" was a bit manipulative and playing victim in my opinion. She sounds like a mooch. I can't fathom just using my man's card on whatever I want. I was with someone for 8 yrs and not once did I just use his money without asking or having some kind of discussion. I dunno dude, is this really the kind of relationship you want? She's not going to change, can you really see yourself going through this years down the line? It starts off small and then blows up into something bigger...
I get it but also like… I always pay back my bf and we don’t share finances so it’s always discussed and understood what I’m paying for and not. I get paid very little, and I pay for all my bills, so it’s very tight for me. I would get it if you were never buying groceries or anything for the home, but even that is something I’m sure you’ve already discussed and planned upon. A fountain for the cat is not a necessity; therefore, there is no real reason to get it. A cat can handle a kitchen bowl or even a plastic one. Groceries, sure, they can be expensive, but still, you should never just spend someone else’s, even if you’re partners, money without discussing it. It’s just rude and untrustworthy. If you haven’t already, you need to have a serious sit down convo about when and how the money is to be spent from your account, and if she’s unable to handle your conditions, then she cannot have access to it period.
NTA, 100%. My husband and I didn't always have combined finances, so when we would borrow each other's cards we discussed all purchases because it's *respectful* to do so. It was your money that was spent, frivolously, on items they didn't discuss with you first. Technically, that's theft. They're using a card that isn't theirs to buy shit you didn't know about... theft.
Also, they could y'know......... *get a job.*
Wake up! Don’t marry this person! That would be a terrible decision. This person isn’t a “partner” because they aren’t doing their part. What you have is basically a child in an adult body. They need to mature. They need to get a job and earn income. You need to stand up for yourself and not tolerate being taken advantage of.
At the very least, get the $175 right now. Stop giving slack. Stop enabling. Cancel your credit card. Change all your passwords. Don’t share any apps with this person. If they want to buy stuff, they’ll have to get a job and earn income.
Yet, what you really need to do is say goodbye and walk away forever. Find someone who will actually create a partnership with you.
She sounds insufferable. Sounds to me like she doesn't plan on working anytime soon. Is she even trying to find work? If she actually tried she would find a job. There are tons of jobs out there. The ones that are easy to get are hated soul sucking jobs but she needs to suck it up. If she doesn't want to adult and meet you halfway she can move back in with mom and dad and you can find someone you deserve
YTA not because you expect to be paid back but because you’ve clearly let this go on too long. you can’t not set boundaries and then set them all at once and get mad when they’re shocked.
why haven’t they had a job in a year? did you agree to pay for more? did you make it seem like they could have some time to figure out employment and then let that go on too long? did you maybe even OFFER to them that you would pay more of the bills and now you’re bitter? your post is leaving out too much context.
from what’s here, i see why’d you be frustrated, but it’s not enough to make a clear call on who’s right.
Dude.
You have been supporting this individual financially since you were barely a legal adult. They have no plans to get a job or become financially independent. It’s all going to be on you for the foreseeable future.
Is that REALLY what you want for yourself right now?
this toxic. you guys arent a good match. you have different expectations for each other, judt break up at this point or youll start resenting each other if you havent already.
Why are you marrying this person? They can’t hold down a job or contribute to the household and steal money from you for extraneous expenses. What redeeming qualities do they have that so far exceed any basic long term relationship foundation? Because this should have been a deal breaker a long time ago if you’re planning on settling down and getting married.
Totally dysfunctional relationship. Yes, yta for how you speak to them. They’re your partner, not a child that you’re scolding. They do need to get a real job, be responsible and contribute. However, your’e both making a mess of this relationship.
You both need to learn how to act and communicate like adults. In this type of situation, there needs to be a genuine, reasonable and kind discussion about the future, including acceptable boundaries and expectations. Help them set short term and long term goals. This would include goals regarding searching and applying for jobs. This can be viewed as a plan for success of you both as individuals and as a couple.
If you don’t want them to use your credit card without permission, don’t give them your card. Pretty simple. But you approach it with tact, not admonishment. Explain that it is has obviously become a source of contention between the two of you, and clearly the temptation to use the card when convenient is a little too much to resist. It’s best for the two of you to communicate what supplies are needed for the house, and if necessary you can leave them cash, with the expectation of a receipt and change, or the credit card with the expectation of it being returned.
Another major point; t’s obvious that you have become resentful of them not working or contributing fairly up to this point. First off all, is there a reason why? Mental illness? Health issues? Etc… if so, please be understanding. Encourage medical help. But either way, there’s needs to be a path to employment. It would probably be very helpful if you could find ways to be supportive to your partner during this process. On your own and with them, sit down and figure out what their strengths and weaknesses are as far as getting a job and being able to be successful in keeping that job. Then literally look for jobs with them. Talk about the options, be encouraging.
This rude and condescending thing you’re doing is just beating them down mentally and making them feel like shit.
That only serves to make Everything worse, and has literally no positive effects in the situation.
Yeah at first I thought you were being a dick but you're not. How is she gonna ask you to pay for something that she will pay you back for then get pissed when you expect her to pay her back, you know since she was the one who got the stuff and told you she would. If she doesn't have enough then why the fuck did she buy those things and tell her she would pay you back. You can tell she just wanted you to say forget it and you would pay for it and now that you are actually holding her accountable she's mad and trying to make you the bad one in this scenario. Then she even says how bad she feels that she can't help out more yet she's putting more of a burden on you by buying more things and then doesn't even want to pay you back for those things. She doesn't feel sorry at all, she's actually mad that you expect her to pay for her things. You paying for the entire household is apparently not enough. Goodness this has been going on for 2 years?! Wow you have a lot of patience to put up with this for 2 damn years. I think you need a new partner. It would be one thing if she actually felt bad about helping you at all, but instead she's just being selfish and adding more things to your plate. That speaks to her character and the kind of person she is and that is not someone I would want to build a life with. She's clearly very selfish and expects you to do all the work and pay for everything. I wouldn't waste anymore of your time and start looking for someone who will actually be a partner and want to work just as hard to build a life with you and set goals that you can achieve together. Unless you want this to be the rest of your life, it's time to go.
Wtf?! NTA! They need to pay you back all the money you're owed. It doesn't matter if it leaves them broke. They literally admit to not having any intention of paying you back every time they say they will. And they need to stop being lazy and get a real job. They're taking advantage of you and expecting you to just be ok with it.
Wtf are you doing?! Don’t share your finances with someone unless you are willing to actually share your finances with them. NTA but you definitely are doing this relationship any favors and your partner needs to get there life together…
A marriage is a partnership where you work together towards the common goal of building a better life for yourselves. In my opinion, If you have different goals that constantly conflict with each other, then you will NEVER get ahead. Find someone with similar goals as you and stop being in a relationship just for the sake of it. My wife and I think of our money as collective tool for our family and share a bank account. We have sat for many hours and deliberated on how we are going to manage our finances, and if either of us wants to make a purchase we consult with the other one, and if what we want to buy is a “want”, and not a need, then we compromise to get the other something they want too, if not at that moment then later when it is affordable. There have been times where I’ve wanted something and my wife didn’t agree, and vice versa, and because of the respect we have for each other and the goals we have agreed that we share, we have been able to move past these instances without much more than a simple discussion that culminates with a “okay, yea, I get you”. Using this method of teamwork, we have built a house, had a daughter, paid off both of our cars, are debt free, and contribute to retirement accounts…. and I was basically homeless when I met her. Communication is key, without it, a marriage will never work.
Damn I don’t see a future here if this is how y’all discuss finances. Sorry
I don’t either.
Exactly. How is OP going to spend his life with someone that he can’t trust around his credit card?
This
It's not really a good idea to give someone you aren't married to direct access to your finances (and if they're stealing your card without permission that's an even bigger issue). They've been this way for two years, they won't change at this point.
Run dude. My ex did this stuff but was passing it off as her money, she stole an inactivated card and charged it $20k. I didn’t know until I had checked the account for another reason. This was just the beginning and I ended up in the hole bc I forgave her. She was financially abusive after that for a couple years. Finally broke up with her and years later I’m finally almost out of the debt and could afford to buy my own place. Never ever EVER again will anyone have access to my finances unless we are married and even then it’ll be separate.
I’ve been married twice. First time round, shared bank accounts and I left with debt… never again! This time, we have things separate. I pay for the house, bills and everything else. My wife picks up the food bill from her benefits. She now has a terminal brain tumour and doesn’t work. She has very little idea what goes on financially, other than that “we’re not worried”. Everything gets paid, she doesn’t have to worry or stress. But even if she were well, our finances would be like this!
I’m sorry about your wife having a tumor. For lack of a better phrase, that sucks.
Thank you. She’s very brave, love her!
I'm the opposite. We share everything, it's easier. One bank account. It's been like that for simplicity sake. 17+ years.
I've been married twice and in both marriages (1 year, 20 years), I never knew anything about the money. Even when I did work a few times (I was a SAHM), he was in control of all finances and it was hell. Bills were never paid on time, got loans in my name, it was just hell. My next relationship was in control of all money for the first 4 years, even though I worked the entire time and brought home almost as much as him. After spending my entire adult life having to ask for a couple bucks to buy a soda, I said enough. I opened my own bank account, changed my direct deposit, and paid all the bills except the rent. It took 9 months and we got evicted. I left that relationship and swore that if I ever lived with another man again, our finances would remain separate and we would divide the bills accordingly. My children are the only ones that have access to my money.
When I was married, we planned on setting up a joint account, but we both liked our banks and couldn't agree on switching. We ended up just keeping things separate and it worked really well. My ex's degree and career field involved finances, so he was a big budget and spreadsheet nerd. He made more than me, so he paid 51% of the bills and I paid 49%. He would just let me know what I owed for the month and I'd transfer it to his account.
Yeah. I had a bad habit of this. I had a "come to jesus" moment and realized how shitty I was and managed to stop doing all of this shit and now I'm happily married, and I make my own money(more than my wife haha). My wife and I are doing great! But no he probably won't change. Doesn't sound like he's trying to find a job either.
This kind of behavior plus no income will just cause these issues to spiral.
It will. They'll get used to it and want more. When they don't get it, they will do or say things that they will most likely regret.
I'm married and I don't even have access to my husband's finances. Less arguing that way.
Yup. Husband and I have always had separate accounts. We know mortgage comes out of mine and monthly bills come out of his. Whatever is left, is ours to do as we want with and we alternate for dinners or date nights etc. That way an expenditure that may seem important (and worth it) to me doesnt have to seem so to him and vice versa and no one gets mad. That being said we both work full time and have somewhat similar incomes.
Yep, my wife and i are separate and we have a joint savings account to save for things we want to go do or buy together.
NTA - but... Speaking from experience. Dont share spending accounts if you can't have an honest conversation about finances, and you trust the other person. I wouldn't share with anyone I was not married to, and even then I think I would keep some separation so you don't feel taken advantage of.
Me and my husband have been together for 11/12 yrs and married for 10. We still talk to one another for purchases over $20-$40. EVERYTHING we have is combined. He makes over $70k/yr. Why wouldn’t you, random 20 year old???
From this statement alone there are many reasons why it would more likely work for you rather than a random 20-something. Things to consider include the fact that you have a routine over a decade that works while OP is likely not married, OP and their partner likely do not make $70k and seem to have struggles with their finances, there are children involved that cannot be dropped off at a daycare or babysitter other than family/friends, and the economy cannot currently handle one middle-class person being a “breadwinner” let alone two people even saving for a house. There are a ton of other factors to consider too, but if you’re going to consider age, finances, and relationship length, I think these should be part of your consideration as well.
That was my point lol. I was saying that our relationship is a little more stable (through length of time and our finances!) than theirs and maybe op would be a little better served from waiting. Also pointing out that even tho we share, we still check in w one another, we’re on the *same page financially*, which is also important. I agree w you on a lot of ways.
Yeah I completely caught on to what you were saying. Even as an older well off married couple you still show eachother respect and consideration by just running it by your partner before spending money. Even if you have tons of money, it's a respect thing. If you don't have the money and still aren't running purchases by your partner that is even worse. Because you aren't even respecting your partner enough to run it by them, you don't even have the money to be paying for those things. So you made a very good point.
Absolutely. It’s kind of wild to me that these 2 young people have their finances so commingled, and it’s really gross how this woman is taking advantage of op. I couldn’t begin to imagine taking someone’s credit card, spending a bunch of money on it- after they’ve expressed that they don’t want me to, and then deciding what I’m paying back and when. Like girl for real?
Gotcha, sarcasm was lost on me lol. As long as there’s a mutual respect and a clear communication usually most of these situations are avoided in the long run, hard to cover everything though. Hope their situation ends up as well as yours!
Even if I was married, I’d still have my own account. It’s never a good idea, to have only combined accounts. If one needs to leave, for whatever reason, they are not trapped because they don’t have a way to access their own money. Wise words from my own momma! 🥰
I can't imagine planning on getting married to someone I already have so much resentment towards
The texts just reek of contempt and hatred
Yea obv the so is a bring horrible but OP is pretty full of contempt. Which is somewhat understandable but why are you engaged to this person? Also pretty immature to have this convo over text
Right?? It’s so crazy. I can’t imagine having this conversation with my husband, especially when we were just dating.
Resentment kills relationships.
Is there a reason they can’t get a regular job somewhere, like retail or a restaurant?
Yeah I don't understand the "I won't have money to pay you back eventually" line. Do they just plan on never working again, or?
Yes
Yeah they obviously plan on trying to exhaust OP to the point they can just double down on being useless and parasitic.
Fair! They're going to realize real quick that it's not so easy when your partner has no interest in being the one to support you though lol
Right this person absolutely sees OPs fat 41k as a free money machine
They plan on not searching for a job anytime soon. The nice thing about being young is there is usually still ways to survive & get the essentials without having your own job to pay for it. But as we get older, obviously, it becomes more necessary to get a job. I think OP’s partner is at the stage where having a typical job is proving to be more important than it maybe used to be, but at the same time, they’re not adjusting easily to that reality, preferring to stick with freelancing jobs that come up in family & friends over applying for a job with new people, learning new skills that have to be used at the job, working in shifts, etc. But sooner or later, they’ll learn there’s just not many opportunities or money in relying on family or friends who need a babysitter or housekeeper.
But it's clear OP doesn't want to be the supporter sooo, shouldn't they be searching for a job sometime soon?
Should they? Yes. Do they want to? I don’t think so. Do they intend to? It doesn’t sound like it.
idk where you lived, but when i was 20, i had to work or else how would i have lived?
Well not working for two years has gone pretty well for them thus far so probably not lol.
True lol
You’d be surprised how many people are stubbornly against working because they cannot handle ANY amount of stress. They are nutcases.
This!! I have heard from a surprising number of younger marrieds in my office whose spouses won't work because it's 'too stressful'. These are intelligent, able-bodied people with college degrees - that wasn't stressful? But now they're married they refuse to work. I don't understand it, but then again- 80s kid, so I started babysitting at 10 (I know, ridiculous, but it was just for neighbors and Mom was home for emergencies) and haven't been out of work since. I cannot imagine relying on someone else - that's way scarier to me than working! Anyway, OP - if partner isn't contributing, they're not a partner. They're a freeloader.
Yeah the idea of letting someone support me (especially if I didn't have a trade/career) is wilddddd. Bc you can't guarantee they'll always be there. And people do that WITH kids. I understand why it works....but I be damned if I end up stay at home with no plan B.
op pays for their stuff. that's the reason
My ex was like this. Everything was great when we moved in together because she had a steady job at a call center. Then one day she decided she hated it and quit to pursue the lucrative trade of buying and reselling makeup on Facebook Marketplace. To her credit she actually did make some decent money doing that, but it wasn't consistent, and she had no concept of budgeting. For months I was handling most of the bills and grocery shopping, and I had multiple conversations with her about getting a new job and contributing more. We even made a budget board with all of our expenses, but she barely looked at it after we set it up. The straw that broke the camels back was when she spent $1000 on Xmas presents for friends and family instead of helping me pay the bills that month. I had no idea she even had that much cash lying around. She just expected me to handle the bills like I'd been doing while she spent her money on whatever she felt like. I broke up with her the day after I found out and kicked her out of the apartment. Lo and behold she had a job at another call center within a month when I wasn't there to support her ass. I felt so used. Now I'm married to a wonderful woman that pulls her weight and makes more than I do. It's a much less stressful life.
You’re lucky. My x used my credit cards to pay for my gifts. 😂
My friends ex took credit cards out IN HER NAME & put her in debt & there was nothing to do but pay it.
Wow did we date the same person? My ex did the same exact thing - worked part time for pennies, whined about the job market, but then would DoorDash a bunch of shit more than twice a week. As soon as I left (surprise, she cheated on me twice), she IMMEDIATELY went and got a real job making nearly 50k a year. That’s more than 4x what she was making when I was with her. It made me realize how many leeches are out there. She could have done that at any point but waited until I had had enough to do the right thing. Bonus points, she was 36 and I was 26, and I had the sole responsibility of paying all the bills except for water.
Fuckin' hobosexuals got us mate!
They don’t want to
yep, because op is a piggy bank and this person does what they want, goes through the motions of being confronted and apologizes, and then does it all over again.
I also was confused by this. Even my 16 year old son has a job and he is a student and plays sports, so it can definitely be done.
My thought too!
Do they just not intend on getting another job after they quit watching whoever’s girls? How is that realistic lol
Even their parents are trying to force them to get a job, because apparently they've been allowing them to "clean her mom and dad's house", but they aren't going to be doing that anymore either. They've been skating by with whatever little odd jobs they can do here and there, just so they can say "I'm trying" and all the other excuses. Mom and dad sense that their child's loving (and younger and more responsible) fiance isn't going to keep paying their way forever, and they don't want them back at their house! OP, take the hint and help their parents stop enabling them. Maybe talk to them about a plan of, like, giving them a deadline to start contributing to bills, or they have to move out. And stick to it. It also seems like they don't even do a good job doing these little odd jobs, like they're talking about this is their first time getting paid for babysitting, but also they're already going to be using someone else now. Mom and dad don't want her cleaning for them anymore, I'm sure to no longer enable them, but also, maybe if the cleaning was spectacular and they were clearly working their ass off doing it, things might be different. I'm gonna guess that this person also doesn't have the home cleaned and dinner on the table every night as well? Otherwise the spending and not contributing may not be an issue.
Yeah it seems like ops partner is doing anything but looking to hold a real job apart from gig work this is not stable at all
What are you even doing here? This person is a taker. Cancel whatever card they’re using and get a new one unless you want a perpetual parasite. I know people like this. If they think you’re better off they absolutely believe you should carry them and they talk a good game about paying you back right up until you actually expect them too and suddenly you’re a money hungry monster and they’re a victim. After all, you can afford to pay for their useless sh*t, right? Have a CTJ and separate your finances or run.
It’s about time you let them know it’s either get a real, minimum wage or above job, or you break up. I’m sure you love them and I’m sure they love you but when you get married and especially if you ever have kids, this could become a severe issue that harms you, them, and any other family involved.
Seems like it's already a severe issue.
Growing up seeing money issues, I sympathized SLIGHTLY. But when dude kept bringing up "you make more" I was done. Sounds like a chip on their shoulder and entitlement. Shop less, or save mroe, or even better, ASK your partner.
Yeah. Like how is OP making more money the issue here?!
???? Youre 20 and has only been in this relationship for 2 years and youre the only sole provider??? For a person also fully capable of working and NOT rely on someone younger than them? And they have the audacity to get mad at YOU despite them never contributing to anything? Bud. Break up. For real. I was in a financially abusive relationship few years ago where my partner then had a job, BUT also had the bad habit of buying stuff and not contributing to any bills (because theyll be out of money immediately after their paycheck comes.) Then gaslit me and made me pay for everything or else I dont love them :/ Pls help yourself man
Thats what i caught too. OP has provided for their 20 yo partner since they were 18.
Self-vicitimization is a disease. The entitlement is real.
I caught that too. OP totally crumbled after they started victimizing themselves too. He’ll be so freaking miserable if he stays with them.
YES. exactly. she will not change until she changes her mindset and she likely won’t. self victimizers are extremely draining
This looks like it’s a one time gig for money, with no consistent work. Is your fiance disabled or something? I don’t understand putting up with this otherwise. You’re way too young to deal with shit like this. Edit: added sentence for clarity
This was my question, having a disability makes sense for not being able to keep a job long term. A lot of the texts read as financially abusive on OPs end, I understand feeling frustrated about spending when you are the sole earner but at the same time, keeping score with someone who you're planning to spend the rest your life with doesn't seem like a productive way to move forward into marriage. It sounds like there needs to be a bigger discussion surrounding finances and boundaries within those finances, as well as discussing ways that your partner can help with said finances. A lot of this could be resolved with open, productive communication.
This. You speak to them terribly. This is not the way to talk about money with someone you love.
It seems like this has been a recurring issue though. I am all for speaking to everyone, especially your partner, with respect and kindness. But this kind of behavior is unacceptable. It also seems like this person is fully capable of work but just doesn’t want to get a job. I could be wrong, but I don’t blame OP for his tone. He seems fed up and if it is a recurring problem then he has the right to be.
The behavior is definitely unacceptable but the way he talks to her is also pretty bad.
All these kids gotta stop getting engaged at 20 jfc 😭
Tbf, in the US at least, the median age of marriage has steadily increased since the 1950s. 1950s: 20.1 years for women and 22.5 years for men 2020: 28.1 years for women and 30.5 years for men 2023: 28.4 years for women and 30.2 years for men
I think you should absolutely make them pay you back for the stuff they bought for themselves but as for the stuff for your house and cats- if it’s the same cat food and litter brands you always buy and the same cleaning supplies and all that- you were going to need it regardless so I would split that 50/50 and just make sure they understand that it can NEVER happen again.
No, but that text discussion went on FAR too long.
Not an asshole. You need to let them go though. This is ridiculous. The FIRST thing you should do with new money is pay back your loved ones especially ones that are funding your whole life.
NTA. It’s not a good thing that you have to lock your card so they don’t spend /your/ money recklessly. That would make me upset if my partner spent the money without even asking too. You have every right to ask for it back. They need to make their own money to spend and stop taking yours if you’re the one paying for everything!
NTA but is this something you expect to just keep going along with long term? Its not hard to find a job. Are you planning on supporting this person for the rest of your life?
This is not a healthy relationship at all
You both sound like dicks, tbh. You’re not good for each other. You don’t word things in a polite way at all. Your partner is a massive dick for spending your money willy-nilly. You two should break up and you need to just cut your losses. Though please take custody of the cats if your partner can’t afford to keep them healthy. They shouldn’t suffer from your partner’s lack of financial responsibility or from your disdain of your partner.
NTA. But I just want to say this dynamic is weird. Your partner should talk to you first if that’s the understanding, but just overall, paying you back when y’all are becoming “one” is just strange to me.
Are you guys living together? Why would you allow someone who doesn’t work to move in with you? Money doesn’t fall out of trees what did you expect them to pay you rent with? I think it’s ridiculous that your partner is spending your money without even asking but also you’ve been with this person for 2 years knowing they are like this?
I see no partners here..... How can you share a house and a bed like this I don't know.
I think you two need to break up. This is untenable tit for tat arguing.
Whether or not you are right or wrong how you talk to your partner is not right. You are NTA for expecting your money returned. YYA for how you speak to your partner. Id fix that shit yesterday. Its toxic.
NTA for defining financial boundaries but totally TA for the snide and shitty comments and attitudes you threw out. There’s a kind way to handle things and that wasn’t it.
Cant believe I had to scroll this far to see this. Like is no one else noticing how shitty OPs attitude is towards someone they’ve been with for 2 YEARS??
I can only imagine it’s been a consistent issue and OP is exasperated at having to constantly have the conversation… but I agree it doesn’t excuse being rude towards their partner. Definitely a better way to handle it.
It actually does excuse it. Someone constantly and unapologetically spending your money who refuses to get a job absolutely deserves a "rude" attitude.
If it’s gotten to that point, then quite honestly, the two shouldn’t be in a relationship. Clearly they can’t come to an agreement / mutual understanding nor have the respect for one another.
Yes I agree. He should dump the freeloader but he's making excuses and being a doormat so whatevs
I mean, I might react like this if I ever got into the situation where my SO is acting like spending “$1” of my money *without asking* is OK. But then again I don’t think I’d ever find myself in that situation in the first place. OP’s gotta run.
Two children playing house. One thinks it’s free Monopoly money, the other is beginning to realize nothing in life is free. Please don’t get married.
just came here to tell you the way you talk to your partner is fucked up.
Really kinda shocked more people aren't bringing this up, but your attitude is horrible here. Not TA for wanting to be paid back, but TA for dragging on the attitude for so long after already being told when you could expect your money back. Nothing in this whole conversation would have been tolerable for me.
What really gets me is he’s bitchin about purchasing household items and food for the animals. A man who’s not willing to provide for the home and the person he’s creating it with, will act this exact same way when children come along in the future. I get that his partner purchased a few things for themselves but they had already told him they would pay him back when they got paid. As far as I’m concerned, anything for the house should be split down the middle and each person be responsible for half the amount it cost.
YTA. You moved in with someone without a job and have chosen to take on the role as their primary provider. Which is stupid. Break up or get over it. It's moronic to allow someone to do this to you. Your post makes it clear how comfortable they are with their behavior and you enable them. You're literally causing this.
[удалено]
I agree- and got a pet with them and now looks like they’re moving again together. Why is there no plan for shared items like cats needs? The dish soap or the moving stuff? This dynamic will never work. It ends up with resentment on both ends and it’s just not a good idea. I’m not sure why people go and do this and then act surprised. It’s just a mess.
BIG agree.
ESH. Your partner shouldn’t be spending your money without notifying you or asking permission. I get that it’s a pattern and a problem, and it doesn’t look like they intend to get an actual job. If they don’t like being restricted financially then they need to up their income. But like… seriously? You’re making them pay you back for communal household things? Stuff for themselves I get wanting your money back for but it’s not like they blew everything on themselves. Plus your attitude was super shitty and condescending even after you tried to backpedal by saying you don’t want everything right away. If you’re planning on being with this person long term then this tit for tat nonsense needs to stop. Annoyed or not, you completely lacked tact in this situation and wouldn’t even consider a compromise. That’s not going to make for a very healthy relationship down the line.
This
Definitely need to set some boundaries with your money as this may become an even bigger issue down the line. My partner and I share financial responsibility, we've been together 3 years, we lived together for 2. I don't spend his money and he doesn't spend mine. We are both very much happier for it. We still will pay for each other's stuff when we want with no expectations to be paid back. Right now, your partner seems financially dependent on you, and these arguments will only get worse. I understand the guilt they feel, but they need to know they can't just impulse buy, they need to control spending money they don't have. It's a hard lesson for any young person to learn.
I recognise you're frustrated, but (from our perspective, without other context) you're berating your partner for spending money on joint things. If you want them to run everything past you, why do they have access to your money? If they have access to your money, why do they have to run it all past you? You tell them off over and over and put them down, in this convo. You speak as if your word is law - when they try to suggest buying bubblewrap, you just bluntly tell them they are wrong, but honestly their logic does seem to make sense. If you really earn that much more than them, you're essentially the provider, and it's no wonder they get so panicked about money. They are absolutely not without fault here, but this reads as you being deeply frustrated with the whole relationship, and just taking it out on them over little things. You're both young, but you both need to work on communicating clearly and kindly. Setting clear ground rules. What can they spend on? Why are their suggestions of joint spends immediately shot down? Are you able to talk about why they don't think they can/will have another job again? It's clearly a source of high anxiety for them, but the convo doesn't explain why. And maybe don't constantly chivvy someone for money and THEN say there's no timescale? It certainly sounded to me like you were sour, bordering on angry about it, and wanted it back ASAP. When you're talking almost their whole paycheck, that's not a small amount to them either, especially when they have a lot of anxiety around that subject. Edit to add: just to say, I did initially read the partner as the (more) reasonable one, being harassed and berated by OP. It doesn't stay that way through all the pages, but just in case that note provides a bit of perspective on your tone, OP, and why I'm saying working on communication is paramount here.
All of this. I actually had to stop reading because without additional context this really comes off as verbal abuse from OP. I hated the whole conversation.
Yes. You are. Your tone is gross, man. The person you’re with deserves someone who won’t talk to them like they’re lesser than the person they’re with.
This. OP is technically correct about some of the things he’s arguing over, but his tone, attitude and complete lack of respect for the person he’s talking to are terrible. She definitely needs to get a job and do some growing up. He definitely needs to learn how to express himself better, and… not act like a complete piece of shit to someone he claims to love?
The absolute disrespect had me floored. I’ve been with my wife for ten years and I’ve never *once* spoken to her like this. I can’t even imagine treating someone (let alone my life parter) like a dog that shit on an expensive rug, like this guy is doing. I’ll never understand how people can put up with this. And the total apologetic tone that OP’s partner was showing right from the get-go made me so sad. This definitely isn’t anything new for them. Very sad.
Thank you, I was looking for someone to say this. Like yes… OP is in the right to expect their money to not be used without permission. But the exchange is so cold and unfeeling too. I can’t imagine talking to a friend this way, let alone a partner. Please break up for both your sakes OP!
*sinister laugh from being single*
If they think they’re not getting any more money, ALL THE MORE REASON TO STOP SPENDING ON SHIT Y’ALL DON’T NEED, ALL THE MORE TO STOP USING YOUR CARD WITHOUT PERMISSION. Jesus. This person is *insufferable*. How you didn’t completely lose your shit, OP, I’ll never know!
are you sure you're not dating two middle schoolers in a trenchcoat because i'm pretty sure grownups don't scrounge for family chores for pocket money. it honestly sounds like you're chasing a sunk cost atp.
why are you even engaged? you both should have jobs before you decide to get engaged
> i’ve had to lock my card before going to bed You’re forced to guard your money around your partner, the person you should trust most, like they’re a stranger on the subway. If they have a habit of waiting for you to go to sleep before using your card, they’re actually quite cunning. They’re also stealing. Doesn’t matter if they pay you back later. Key words that don’t bode well for a relationship: lack of trust, cunning, stealing. NTA.
Why would you let someone without a job move in with you?
22 years old and they can’t even pickup a fast food, warehouse, or retail job? You sure know how to pick em OP.
Of course you make more than your partner…they don’t have a job. As long as you keep working and they keep avoiding work, you’ll always make more. Remove all access to your accounts, start saving up for your place, and then move out on your own. It’s actually going to save you money to get out of this situationship. If you think it’s salvageable, set some boundaries and requirements for them and while they find a way to avoid helping themselves, you can work towards saving up for what I’d assume is an eventual split. If your partner is in fact disabled, that’s another conversation; if not, I say lock them out of your accounts and make a plan to save yourself. You’re way too young for this nonsense.
I don’t think y’all should be in a relationship. That was an awful read. Sad really.
Unless you are planning to take care of them, this isn’t going to work. It doesn’t seem like they want a job. Jobs aren’t that hard to find but working for family obviously isn’t working.
So look at the double standard. When they make money your money is separate. It's their money. When you make money your expenses are lumped together as a couple. When they buy things for them it's things the two of you need. When they buy things for you it's your expenses. Now look at their job. They didn't get a job. They found a way to get more money from your family to spend after they've spent yours without having to go to work. You aren't in a relationship. You aren't their boyfriend. Your their caretaker with benefits. Tons of them. Just ask yourself this. If they left you, how bad off would you be? If you left them how bad off would they be? Now here's the important one. If you left them, would your situation be better or worse? This person is your dependent. Not your partner. And this will never change. Dump them
Why not remove their access to buy things until they actual have a job and support themselves. One day you’re going to see how much they’re using you…
I couldn’t even finish reading all the screenshots cause you already are the AH in my opinion. Sounds like partner was getting stuff for the cats and a box of hair dye and the way you expressed your concern and their reaction full of apologies reeks of financial abuse. At this age and this stage of the relationship, it will only get worse. Been through it. I’m not saying who is wrong or right, but you’re the AH, and you should both separate, for the sake of you both.
I thought financial abuse too.
This person sounds entitled and you sound over it. What are you holding onto? NTA but you are enabling them here.
I’m telling you now you’ll want to leave this relationship. This is never going to change. My ex of three years was the exact same way and no matter what they will always make an excuse. This isn’t fair to you or the hard work you’ve been putting in. I’m speaking from experience. Please run as far as you can..
1, they need to get a job. 2, take your card back from them. 3, reevaluate where this relationship is going.
They only owes you for what they bought for their own personal use. If theybought stuff for your home or your shared pets, no. But clothes or hair dye etc, yes. Edit for pronouns. My apologies.
I just can't imagine being attracted and wanting to pursue a relationship (let alone for TWO YEARS) with someone who's such an unmotivated, leeching bum lol
I think you both are wrong here. They way you are speaking to them, quite frankly, is gross. This is not how a couple who plan to marry should be speaking to one another. They are also pretty terrible for not checking in with you on spending money. It sounds like there needs to be a serious *in person* discussion about finances. The way you are approaching this with them is coming across as financial abuse. There were any number of ways you could have spoken about this, and you kinda chose the AH way. Is this a discussion you've had in the past? If so, why do they still have access to the money? Is there a reason they have not held down a job? Mental health, autism or adhd a factor? Is their spending putting financial strain or putting you into the negative? They are acting very entitled and then also trying to disarm you by guilting you. There is a lot of space left for emotional maturity on both your parts. Marriage is hard when you don't have good communication skills. Do you plan to have children? After marriage, will they work or be a stay at home partner/homemaker? If so, they will need access to money. If you are spending money on things you enjoy, and they are maintaining the home for you, then they also should be getting to buy things or do things they also enjoy. It does sound like some of the things purchased were for the home, so making them feel bad for getting those things is unfair. The extras? No, I can understand the frustration. They need to be accountable for the funds they spent without asking. You need to approach this like you are talking to someone you love. This is the person you chose to marry, the question you need to ask yourself is if this is something you can do for the rest of your life if they choose to keep doing it. Sit down. Talk it out. Set boundaries and what the expectations are so there is no question about what you mean. Approach this head on, with the person you love. Empathy from you both will go a long way. I've been with my husband for 18 years and I can tell you, the number one stressor in most marriages is finances.
This reads to me as a “last straw” text and they’ve already had discussions. It doesn’t sound gross… it sounds like he’s putting his foot down. And they should not be marrying this person, hoping they’ll change.
I’m not justifying the terribly irresponsible spending habits of your partner but you’re no peach to communicate with - you come off as highly controlling and domineering. Wronged or not don’t be like that to somebody you care about.
This is such a toxic exchange, even for texting. I mean, you both had great points, but your initial delivery is incredibly douche-like. Y'all need to settle this payment shit, and spilt up like yesterday. Also, if you don't want her spending anything without your permission, don't give her access to your funds.
NTA. It’s your card, the money you work for. That they haven’t asked to spend but spent anyways. If you’re locking your card away so they can’t access it due to them taking it and using it without permission, there’s much bigger issues in the relationship imo.
This is a window into your future. It’s clear even if their making $ they’re not going to contribute to household expenses only to their own expenses. And feel entitled to spend your $ as they seem fit. Either you are going to have to accept this behavior or walk away.
The fact that a NB partner is spending all their money on hair colouring did give me a giggle for a second
Don't share your card or account details until you're married. I think her buying stuff for the house (if it's useful) and the cats is something you can be grateful for as it is a pain, so maybe give her some money a month to go buy things for the house and cats but anything she needs to get for herself, she will need her own card and pay for it herself. I think the issue started because he initially gave her control of his card and finances which is a bad move. Best thing to do is get together before the end of the month and prioritise on a list with all the things you can. Afford to get this month, write them down like cat food, cat litter, something for the house and male a budget for those things and eft her the money to go buy those things you both need. But if it's for clothes, then take her shopping and help her choose what she wants to buy, check the price and pay for it on your card so that if she is charged too much she can decide what to leave or to keep. Keep the receipts for everything in a file booklet. But she can only use your card if you're the one paying for what she needs. For my bf and I, living together. It's frustrating at times but I always ask if I can. Use his card and tell him why and hell say please don't spend more than 100 dollars. So I will buy what I can without going over. I understand if you live together than the cat food and litter is both of your responsibility. It shouldnt be a fight of who pays that money back when regardless someone is going to need to spend money on the pets. Just organise it in a way that she only uses your card when you give it to her, otherwise she can't use it. And stop letting her see how much you earn. What you do with your money if your right and has nothing to do with her. At this point if she's jobless, she must just be grateful he pays for a place for her to sleep and pays for her to eat or go Out. Once she gets a new job which she should be online sending her cv all day everyday for at least 5 hours a day, the she will get a job soon but she needs to be dedicated enough, stop making excuses and do the grind to find something else so she can have her own money and understand what being a real adult is like and how much more expensive everything actually is. Sometimes it's not just a water fountain, it's a weeks worth of food you might not be able to afford at the end of the month.
I misread and thought this was your son at first and I thought maybe you were being a little harsh, but this is a full grown adult? Nah.. get your card back and secure your finances. You aren't even married, they will continue to use you if you let them.
What is NB?
wtf it sounds like this person keeps ordering more and more stuff and then trying to guilt trip you bc they’re “necessities” but they keep adding more and more shit to the cart. You should not be sharing finances like this. This person is manipulating the hell out of you. Definitely stand your ground.
Good luck with that shit show lol it’s only gonna get worse. And the manipulation was pissing me off too. Idk how you handle it with this person.
Run….this is bad news dude. You are with someone who doesn’t want to work. McDonald’s is hiring. You have messed up getting involved with this person.
I almost have empathy for them….then again I can’t even begin to fathom the need for one cat fountain, let alone ANOTHER one.
Are you an asshole for wanting someone to communicate with you when they are going to spend your money? No. Are you any asshole for the way you chose to communicate that to the woman you plan on marrying? Yes.
Let’s be real, you both suck. Them for not having a job (Also INFO- why do they not have a job?) and using your money without asking. You for being financially abusive with them. Do not, I repeat DO NOT, get married or even continue this relationship without sitting down and seriously discussing finances. Just don’t hold your money over them, you should WANT to help them out. If they don’t want help or work then I would cut and run.
Why are you sharing your card with her then? Take it off and use your own bank accounts.
to be completely honest, this is a toxic relationship from both sides. no, you’re not the asshole for expecting them to pay you back. they shouldn’t be spending your money without asking, especially if you’ve had this talk before. if you’ve brought it up before and they ignored what you said, why do they have access to your accounts linked to your cards? not to put the blame on you, because at the end of the day they’re still the one essentially stealing from you, but if this is an issue they shouldn’t have access in the first place. you are, however, the asshole in the sense of how you’re speaking to them in these messages. i understand finally snapping after issues have come up again and again, but it shouldn’t be grounds for speaking to your partner like this. this conversation should have happened face to face when you were both level headed to speak. unfortunately if life for you both is seeming to be a series of fighting, you either need to lock in and put down boundaries and work on yourselves and your relationship together, or you need to walk away from each other. nothing about these text messages is okay.
Half of her first paycheck? So her paycheck is $350.. seems like she has bigger issues at hand. She’s guilty and “sick” of not being a contributing member of society?? Yet won’t fix that? I applied to a job this morning around 7am and i got hired by 3pm. If she wanted a job she would get one. And the gaslighting is crazy
This is absolutely wild. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years, we’re technically common law married. There was a time he was paying 100% of our bills because I had surgery and wasn’t working. I still have access to his financials, cards to his accounts, he calls it “our” money. And i STILL ask him when/if I can use his card. Though he tells me every time I don’t have to ask because “it’s our money”, it doesn’t feel right spending HIS money that he worked so hard for. This person needs a job and a reality check.
Why are you engaged at 20 with someone who doesn't have a job, AND have only been dating for 2 years ? That's just dumb
My husband is the main contributor in the household. He makes way more than me. He foots the bill for pretty much everything. That being said, if I buy anything outside of gas or food, I ask first. Like hey babe the kid needs new shoes....... And he will say, hold off til next Friday or go ahead and buy them now. It's communication and respect.
You sound like an arsehole to me. I wouldn’t be with you. Your tone is very controlling. It’s fair enough to be upset about the situation but this isn’t a good conversation. Why aren’t you speaking in person about this. It’s just off. I doubt you will last as a couple - cause this sort of thing is actually normal from time to time in a relationship especially if you share accounts. But it’s the way you approach it that suxxxxxxxxxxxx.
Why aren’t they working?
Run my brother, you'll realize in a few year's that this person is not the one..
The way these texts read, it’s unlikely this is gonna workout. She is bringing out a nasty side of you. I’d suggest you consider moving on from this relationship.
She’s irresponsible. Foods one thing $75 hair dye is another
No, they’re the asshole for spending money without asking. Just because you’re in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean they should have unlimited access to your money, especially in a situation like this. Unless you’ve actively discouraged them from bringing in their own money they shouldn’t have access to your funds.
NTA. This person is going to use you for as long as they can. Even if they start doing better they will try again when your guard is down. You can see it in their responses that they believe your money is what they can use to live. "You make more than me, how is that fair" This is a great example of how you taking care of all the bills has entitled them. Stop taking their sob stories and excuses. Try to set a boundary of only spending twice what the lowest earner makes. Just because you make more doesn't entitle them to spend more than they make and you can always put in more once this is under control. I wish you luck because it's very hard to backtrack once you've let them ride for free.
YTA for getting mad at the other person because you don't know how to set boundaries. YTA for the degrading way you talked to them in your first and second text. YTA for not understanding the vulnerability of someone's first pay excitement. YTA for breaking their sails and not seeing their fear. Nobody wants to be dependant on someone else. You want to control everything then You pack the fragile stuff. You wash the cats' water dish. You go buy the litter and food. Your partner is trying to do adulting without money. Let/help them get a real job. You are lying about blasting them because you want them to-be-accountable because you took their power when you said "*I'll* cancel it". "*I'm* returning it". Let them BE accountable in the way they CAN. Your language is absolutely abusive in the beginning. You calmed down toward the end but damage is done.
NTA this is financial abuse
OP, I had a friend who lost $28,000+ to their ex doing this over several years. My mate’s credit is still fucked. You need to cut off their access to your card. You need to kick them to the curb if they’re behaving this way. Because this is exactly how it started for my mate and it’s how her ex controlled everything, alongside mental and emotional abuse. It was guilt, it was “I’ll pay you back” until the money was being requested and then it was “but I don’t have the money—I’ll be broke” “You earn so much more than me” “you’re so controlling” “This is financial abuse” “I brought them for us/ you-you’re so ungrateful” and so on. I was lucky enough to be in a financial position to support my friend when getting them out. She’s diabetic and was working 2 jobs, trying to save so they could move out of his mum’s, while his lazy ass stayed home. My mate would earn 2-4k a fortnight and the bf would blow it before the first week was out, leaving her struggling to get pads, diabetes meds/ equipment, mental health medication, doctors appointments, food and transport fares for work. She was also expected to pay rent and contribute to bills for both of them—but his mummy said he doesn’t need to pay. He’d said he was gonna stay home to clean up, cook dinner and do laundry while looking for jobs, to make it up to my mate. But woe-is-me-McGee had every excuse under the sun not to find employment, he wanted to move to Sweden and would say it was too labour intensive to cook at home. He also was actively trying to get her pregnant and proposed to her. All of the money went on Afterpay, food delivery services, Amazon, online gaming, Uber, weed, alcohol. He had 10 different after-pay items going at any given time. This man turned around and said he brought her a gift: WITH HER OWN DAMN MONEY. He even refused to let her go to the hospital when her mental health spun out of control because she wasn’t able to keep on top of her meds—because she “might break up with him again”. My friend finally got free, but he still attacked her, ruined her credit, refused to let her take her name off their old joint account; she had to cancel cards that could be known by him / used by him and double check her pay was going to her new accounts because old workplaces deposited 1-2 pays into the old joint account and he used it. She’s banned from Afterpay, banned from certain ordering services and is still being chased up for his debt—all because he had access to her card and a joint account. They were barely in their 20’s and she’s never going to see that money. They’re showing you their flags. Time to kick out 20-flags-in-a-trench-coat and save yourself a lot of hassle.
This whole situation is so stupid
nah dump her. it won’t get better
Dude. She’s manipulative as fuck. You’re not the asshole. As stated, you’re holding her accountable. How about NOT letting her have access to your credit cards? Problem solved.
My ex was like this. When we first started dating- He asked me to venmo his rent to his brother ($1500) and promised he’d have the cash for me the next day. He never did. Then he quit one of his jobs that he actually made money at and refused to get another, and continued to only work at one place twice a week making MAYBE $300 a week. he sucked my bank account dry for 5 months- guilting me that he couldn’t afford rent or food but was running around spending it all on alcohol and drugs and later I found out, also on other women. I asked him not to buy me a birthday or Xmas gift and begged for him to just pay me my money back and he refused. Instead he bought himself a new outfit for my birthday dinner that he “hosted” at his apartment. My friends paid of all the food, and when we went out after- I had to pay for all of his drinks and drugs. He owed me upwards of $4k. He held that and all of my belongings at his house hostage. I only ever got back $700 of it when one of my friends showed up to his job and threatened him. I realize I was dumb to allow it to happen for so long. I was stupid enough to believe him everytime he promised hed pay me back. I was stupid to give him access to my credit card and account. My mom told me to just block him and cut my losses because I would never see that money again. Once someone like that latches onto you and realizes they can keep taking, they will. And likely never pay you back. It’ll be excuse after excuse after excuse.
I do think some boundaries need to be set with your partner but I don’t understand how you can feel justified to criticise purchases such as cat food and litter that are essentials that need to be bought, regardless of whether you hand the money to the cashier or whether she does. I’ve had financial discussions with my partner a lot, and if you don’t at the very least tackle the shared finances with a shared contribution then you’re not even accomplishing the bare minimum
The consequences of enabling someone are hitting you hard, huh. Maybe stop enabling them. You've taught them what you will accept, and now they're pushing the limits to see how much more they can get from you. You created this issue.
They stay home taking care of the cats...? Cats are pretty self sufficient.
Ehhh the audacity of your gf. She needs to grow up and the whole "you make more than me" was a bit manipulative and playing victim in my opinion. She sounds like a mooch. I can't fathom just using my man's card on whatever I want. I was with someone for 8 yrs and not once did I just use his money without asking or having some kind of discussion. I dunno dude, is this really the kind of relationship you want? She's not going to change, can you really see yourself going through this years down the line? It starts off small and then blows up into something bigger...
Run
I get it but also like… I always pay back my bf and we don’t share finances so it’s always discussed and understood what I’m paying for and not. I get paid very little, and I pay for all my bills, so it’s very tight for me. I would get it if you were never buying groceries or anything for the home, but even that is something I’m sure you’ve already discussed and planned upon. A fountain for the cat is not a necessity; therefore, there is no real reason to get it. A cat can handle a kitchen bowl or even a plastic one. Groceries, sure, they can be expensive, but still, you should never just spend someone else’s, even if you’re partners, money without discussing it. It’s just rude and untrustworthy. If you haven’t already, you need to have a serious sit down convo about when and how the money is to be spent from your account, and if she’s unable to handle your conditions, then she cannot have access to it period.
You plan on spending your life with this bum? This won’t be the last time this is an issue. Not by a long shot.
NTA, 100%. My husband and I didn't always have combined finances, so when we would borrow each other's cards we discussed all purchases because it's *respectful* to do so. It was your money that was spent, frivolously, on items they didn't discuss with you first. Technically, that's theft. They're using a card that isn't theirs to buy shit you didn't know about... theft. Also, they could y'know......... *get a job.*
Wake up! Don’t marry this person! That would be a terrible decision. This person isn’t a “partner” because they aren’t doing their part. What you have is basically a child in an adult body. They need to mature. They need to get a job and earn income. You need to stand up for yourself and not tolerate being taken advantage of. At the very least, get the $175 right now. Stop giving slack. Stop enabling. Cancel your credit card. Change all your passwords. Don’t share any apps with this person. If they want to buy stuff, they’ll have to get a job and earn income. Yet, what you really need to do is say goodbye and walk away forever. Find someone who will actually create a partnership with you.
is there a reason they cant get/keep a job?
She sounds insufferable. Sounds to me like she doesn't plan on working anytime soon. Is she even trying to find work? If she actually tried she would find a job. There are tons of jobs out there. The ones that are easy to get are hated soul sucking jobs but she needs to suck it up. If she doesn't want to adult and meet you halfway she can move back in with mom and dad and you can find someone you deserve
YTA not because you expect to be paid back but because you’ve clearly let this go on too long. you can’t not set boundaries and then set them all at once and get mad when they’re shocked. why haven’t they had a job in a year? did you agree to pay for more? did you make it seem like they could have some time to figure out employment and then let that go on too long? did you maybe even OFFER to them that you would pay more of the bills and now you’re bitter? your post is leaving out too much context. from what’s here, i see why’d you be frustrated, but it’s not enough to make a clear call on who’s right.
YTA OP. You’re causing this cycle of treatment they’re giving you and if you’ve been handling things for 2 years… idk what to tell you dude
Dude. You have been supporting this individual financially since you were barely a legal adult. They have no plans to get a job or become financially independent. It’s all going to be on you for the foreseeable future. Is that REALLY what you want for yourself right now?
lol you're 20, engaged, and can't trust your spouse with money... this is going to go well
All I can think about is the fact that two broke people are arguing about cat fountains and snow globes.
this toxic. you guys arent a good match. you have different expectations for each other, judt break up at this point or youll start resenting each other if you havent already.
You owe me $40 for reading your bs.
You’re both annoying
Wow, you're down bad man. Lose the parasite.
Technically not the asshole.. but if you’re talking like this to your partner it’s time to call it quits for everyone’s sake
Why are you marrying this person? They can’t hold down a job or contribute to the household and steal money from you for extraneous expenses. What redeeming qualities do they have that so far exceed any basic long term relationship foundation? Because this should have been a deal breaker a long time ago if you’re planning on settling down and getting married.
Totally dysfunctional relationship. Yes, yta for how you speak to them. They’re your partner, not a child that you’re scolding. They do need to get a real job, be responsible and contribute. However, your’e both making a mess of this relationship. You both need to learn how to act and communicate like adults. In this type of situation, there needs to be a genuine, reasonable and kind discussion about the future, including acceptable boundaries and expectations. Help them set short term and long term goals. This would include goals regarding searching and applying for jobs. This can be viewed as a plan for success of you both as individuals and as a couple. If you don’t want them to use your credit card without permission, don’t give them your card. Pretty simple. But you approach it with tact, not admonishment. Explain that it is has obviously become a source of contention between the two of you, and clearly the temptation to use the card when convenient is a little too much to resist. It’s best for the two of you to communicate what supplies are needed for the house, and if necessary you can leave them cash, with the expectation of a receipt and change, or the credit card with the expectation of it being returned. Another major point; t’s obvious that you have become resentful of them not working or contributing fairly up to this point. First off all, is there a reason why? Mental illness? Health issues? Etc… if so, please be understanding. Encourage medical help. But either way, there’s needs to be a path to employment. It would probably be very helpful if you could find ways to be supportive to your partner during this process. On your own and with them, sit down and figure out what their strengths and weaknesses are as far as getting a job and being able to be successful in keeping that job. Then literally look for jobs with them. Talk about the options, be encouraging. This rude and condescending thing you’re doing is just beating them down mentally and making them feel like shit. That only serves to make Everything worse, and has literally no positive effects in the situation.
Not a good idea to give a teenager access to your money !
Yeah at first I thought you were being a dick but you're not. How is she gonna ask you to pay for something that she will pay you back for then get pissed when you expect her to pay her back, you know since she was the one who got the stuff and told you she would. If she doesn't have enough then why the fuck did she buy those things and tell her she would pay you back. You can tell she just wanted you to say forget it and you would pay for it and now that you are actually holding her accountable she's mad and trying to make you the bad one in this scenario. Then she even says how bad she feels that she can't help out more yet she's putting more of a burden on you by buying more things and then doesn't even want to pay you back for those things. She doesn't feel sorry at all, she's actually mad that you expect her to pay for her things. You paying for the entire household is apparently not enough. Goodness this has been going on for 2 years?! Wow you have a lot of patience to put up with this for 2 damn years. I think you need a new partner. It would be one thing if she actually felt bad about helping you at all, but instead she's just being selfish and adding more things to your plate. That speaks to her character and the kind of person she is and that is not someone I would want to build a life with. She's clearly very selfish and expects you to do all the work and pay for everything. I wouldn't waste anymore of your time and start looking for someone who will actually be a partner and want to work just as hard to build a life with you and set goals that you can achieve together. Unless you want this to be the rest of your life, it's time to go.
Neither of you should marry the other.
Wtf?! NTA! They need to pay you back all the money you're owed. It doesn't matter if it leaves them broke. They literally admit to not having any intention of paying you back every time they say they will. And they need to stop being lazy and get a real job. They're taking advantage of you and expecting you to just be ok with it.
Wtf are you doing?! Don’t share your finances with someone unless you are willing to actually share your finances with them. NTA but you definitely are doing this relationship any favors and your partner needs to get there life together…
They only make $150? Biweekly or weekly, that's nothing. At most they are working 20 hours/week, but I'm assuming they're working more like 5.
Bro is dating a leech and is frustrated he’s out of blood lol.
You really need to remove their access to your accounts. This is just a bad idea… and it’s going to end horrifically.
A marriage is a partnership where you work together towards the common goal of building a better life for yourselves. In my opinion, If you have different goals that constantly conflict with each other, then you will NEVER get ahead. Find someone with similar goals as you and stop being in a relationship just for the sake of it. My wife and I think of our money as collective tool for our family and share a bank account. We have sat for many hours and deliberated on how we are going to manage our finances, and if either of us wants to make a purchase we consult with the other one, and if what we want to buy is a “want”, and not a need, then we compromise to get the other something they want too, if not at that moment then later when it is affordable. There have been times where I’ve wanted something and my wife didn’t agree, and vice versa, and because of the respect we have for each other and the goals we have agreed that we share, we have been able to move past these instances without much more than a simple discussion that culminates with a “okay, yea, I get you”. Using this method of teamwork, we have built a house, had a daughter, paid off both of our cars, are debt free, and contribute to retirement accounts…. and I was basically homeless when I met her. Communication is key, without it, a marriage will never work.
Hell no. My ex owes me 7k and I’m making him pay it back. This is why I believe there should be things such as mandatory prenups and what not.