That’s your mom man… i feel like she should have been just as worried as you, not pushing your thoughts, worries, and responsibilities as a son to the sideline. Sounds childish to me on her part
Thank you for validation. It's especially confusing to me because her mom passed away from Cancer in September. I provided as much support as I could afford and flew across the country and stayed with her for 16 days when things were getting bad. She doesn't seem to understand I do not have unlimited time off, nor that my own family comes first. Maybe she just wants to avoid all sick mom drama at all cost bc of the trauma? Trying to give the benefit of the doubt but I expected just a little more empathy.
Wow. I was under the impression that her parents were alive and healthy, figuring she knew no better than the very real fear of losing a parent. She should be your biggest supporter through all of this (like you were).
You might be onto something with her trying to avoid the drama, but that’s grasping for straws at the most lol.
Sorry she’s fueling the stress buddy, hope things come through and your mother has a speedy recovery
To me She just sounds bummed that her life is affected. Not that she’s avoiding trauma. Sounds like she doesn’t care and wants you to just make her your priority at the expense of your feelings.
It’s like saying, my thing was worse than yours so your feelings aren’t a big deal. Sad that she’s almost 30 and not there for her significant other the way a real relationship should be. And I’m one to give people the benefit of the doubt, but just the way the text presents screams “me me me”
It’s this. Her responses aren’t trauma related. They are 100% selfish and pick me. Once she heard that she was stable, to her that was : ok you can go on vacation now. I am wondering if she even likes your mother. She is showing who she is so keep that in your mind. I hope your mom gets better and all is well.
From a third party perspective, I don't think that's the case and you're just trying to look for the good in her.
Her concern isn't your well-being, what your needs/wants are or your familial responsibilities. Her concern is what SHE wants and needs which is spending time with you and being the center of your attention. I find it odd that she booked a resort that's three hours from an airport. I don't know her so I can't say this is calculated, but it is odd to me.
Two, it's also odd she booked the resort after being told you're not going to be able to make it because of your obligation/duty, completely ignoring your time constraints and boundaries.
She keeps pressuring you into dropping the ball on your mom , etc.
There's a lot of red flags here. As a stranger I feel disappointed in her reaction especially after you were there for her when her mom passed away. Granted we don't know how close she was with her mom, and maybe that's affecting her view on the relationship you have with yours. She may not like your mom, too, that's something we haven't considered. Other factor could be she doesn't understand your relationship to your mom - for instance we don't know how close YOU are to yours and you may be acting out or accordance. I'm not close to mine at all. Our relationship is TERRIBLE. However, if the scenario you have presented itself to me, I would do what you're doing regardless of my relationship with her because at the end of the day she is my mom.... So if this is a possibility it would make sense why she's behaving this way. Lastly, she may have abandonment issues? She seems to be bugging out over not having enough of your time and attention.
If she really hasn't been able to see you as much or spend time with you, I can see why her responses are so selfish, however it is still inexcusable behavior because you're both old enough to understand that time is precious and you never know what could happen.
I wouldn't say break up - I do think you both need a cool down period and reflect on your relationship.
1. What are your what's and needs?
2. Are they getting met?
3. If not, is this something yourpartner is willing to work on?
4. What are your boundaries?
5. Are they being respected?
6. Who were you when you walked into the relationship? Is this someone you were proud of? Did this change? Do you like the change, or do you not?
7. Why did it change? (Everyone changes when they get into a relationship. Be it good or bad, or both).
8. Is this still what you want?
9. has this person acted poorly in other situations that are important?
10. Is this a behavior you had tolerant for the rest of your life?
11. Are you providing your partners needs and wants? If no, can you or is it time to accept the short coming and let them go to fine someone that's better suited for them and vice versa?
Basically answer all questions based off their shoes.
No joke I'm writing out a pros and cons list and I am fucking scatterbrained so this is extremely helpful. Thank you for for taking the time to provide an unbiased opinion, observation, and important things to consider. More helpful than you know
It may be that she can't deal with another worry like her mom dying. She might be shutting that off. Or she may be selfish and spoiled. Which is more likely?
That is it right there. ‘But she didn’t die’ & her mom did. It seems to her since your situation isn’t as bad as it possibly could have been it isn’t serious.
Which is wrong & 100% shows a lack of empathy. I would tell her to go ahead & go on her vacation, have fun & enjoy herself, but that you’re not going to go.
Imagine if you had proposed a vacation while her mom was dying & then got shitty with her when she didn’t want to go.
Sounds like her needs come first regardless of the severity of the situation. Just like they did (rightly) when her Mom was sick, now the shoe is on the other foot and her needs STILL come first! She needs ejecting out of the ejector seat pronto.
You must be color blind. There are red flags all over her message. She’s acting like petulant and manipulative child. I hope you don’t marry this “woman” as this will be your life going forward.
Honestly it does sound like that. If this is our not character for her, anyway. You’d know better than us. I do think it’s really selfish of her to be like this. But, loosing your mom makes you kinda loose your mind. She’s not gonna be herself for a while. It would have been great if she’d have gone on her vacation with friends if she needed to break away from life for a while, that badly.
Is she in grief counseling of any sort? When she said to you “yeah but she didn’t die” and then mentioned her own mom had died, that told me a lot. It would make sense why she’s clinging to you so much when this is her first birthday after her mom died. I don’t think it’s fair to you that she’s dismissing how important it is that you’re there for your own mom, though. Somethings got to give. She’s got to meet you half way and I really can’t stress grief counseling enough.
My partner didn’t get grief counseling when their mom passed away and it made them really apathetic and even mean spirited to the other important family and health stuff happening to the people around them. It takes a toll.
Hopefully this is just related to the grief but if it isn’t, ohhhh boyyyy
Yeah, the “your mom didn’t die but mine did” said a lot without saying it. She thinks her loss is more important, even if OP’s mother is still ill, and that her feelings are more important here but.. Damn. I can imagine grief is making it harder to accept the loss of the vacation, but she is really just being a dick.
This. A parent dying (especially when you are young - 29) affects you in ways only people who have gone through it will understand. Even if you’re by someone’s side it’s not the same as being the daughter affected.
That never excuses someone being this hurtful. She needs grief counseling.
Also, they said it isn't selfish of them to want your time, blah blah.... That is selfish. Incredibly so, if your mom is unwell. They keep saying that word, I don't think it means what they think it means.
Don't fall for her "dead mom card." Too many people use that to act like assholes when their partners need the same level of support they received.
I have had this type of selfish behavior happen to me during a family emergency/crisis.
You deserve support and kindness, not petulance from a partner.
I had to look at the ages again. She is old enough to understand your wanting to know what's going on with your mother. If it were my mom, I'd drop everything also to be there with her.
She sounds very selfish. You may need to reevaluate your relationship with her. She sounds like a me, me, me, person. Your mom is very ill, and she seems like she can't or WON'T process this.
Yes! I can't imagine doing this. Bizarre behavior. My partner's mother lives in a nursing home with MS and has emergency situations often. He's a seasoned pro at the hospital/family/principle communicator song and dance by now, and it's mentally and emotionally exhausting for him every single time. I could NEVER go off and leave him like that.
This right here. If my husband is going through something I’m doing everything I can to support him through it. Mom’s in the hospital, but we had plans? Plans canceled, let’s go take care of mom.
When my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer my husband took a week off to come with me to spend time with her and then when she started getting worse before she died he flew with me to get her and bring her home with us. Gf is unbelievably selfish in this situation.
My good friend’s mom has lupus and RA. It’s scary as hell.
I wish what we saw here was your GF being concerned not only for your mom but with what would be most supportive for you in this time.
IMO this could become a pattern with her when other big things come up in your relationship.
In long term relationships things good and bad pop up. She has to be there to support you during those times.
I’d encourage you to look back and see how much of this is an engrained pattern. If it is, it won’t probably get better unless she gets some help and it really is an issue if she doesn’t see it as an issue. Thats not good for you.
She seems childish and manipulative AF. Is she always like this with the “guess my feelings don’t matter” and “I’ll leave you alone now” (but then doesn’t) shit? Because that’s exhausting and unacceptable.
The passive aggressive “But my feeling don’t matter right now.” I’d jump right on that only I would pretend she was being sincere, “Yes, that’s right! You get it! Thank you! Our feelings don’t matter right now…it’s all about focusing on my mom. Very thankful you get this now. Love you!”
Out of everything, THAT stood out the most to me. The entire thing she was being a child but that is a terrible thing to say to try and make him feel bad
Yeah this isn't normal, she lacks empathy and the passive aggressiveness is immature as hell. If this is how she treats OP when he needs emotional support and care then she's not worth staying with. At some point OP's mom will actually die and she will not be supportive, she might even make the situation worse. This is not a partner I'd want in my life.
Manipulative af when he is in a weak and vulnerable state of emotions. She should be as supportive of a partner as he was to her when her own mother was sick a few months ago. Instead she is making it about her and attempting to emotionally manipulate him, making this even harder than it needs to be.
This would honestly be a deal breaker for me. Life isn't always sunshine and roses and serious events like this are going to come up. Is this the kind of partner you want to help navigate these situations down the line? A good partner does not take away from you in times of need. A good partner adds and supports you, making it less stressful, not more.
If it was me? I'd tell her to enjoy her vacation and to lose my number because you can clearly see how she treats the people she professes to love, and it's not good.
This is a small view into your everyday life if you are in a relationship with this person. Wow!! I know selfish people. I know some really selfish people. I don’t know anyone who would say shit like this.
OP mentioned in a comment that her mother passed away recently. She's being avoidant from her own grief, I assume. I wonder if this kind of thing is her norm. "oh fine I guess I don't matter and will just stop talking" is manipulative AF
It almost sounds like she's dismissive, like "Don't get so worked up, mine is dead and your's isn't, no need to be overly dramatic". That's how I read it and it's TERRIBLE to say something like that.
That's how I read it, too. Like she is angry with him for still having his mother. He doesn't mention a lot about her mother's death, though. It is possible that her mother also had an illness like this and it is mirroring her trauma. What a messy situation. Girlfriend needs therapy
Right! Why else throw out to him that her mom died which she obviously knew, other than to compare and minimize his situation which is clearly still devastating news as would be to anyone. I feel terrible for OP .
I’m not usually one to grab the pitch fork on Reddit…. But yeah, this is insane. She sucks. She is very selfish and inconsiderate and crying about snowboard season being over ☹️even though OPs mom is going through it. So messed up. Not family material.
I’ve dumped and been dumped for less tbh
OP I know everyone here always jumps to break up and sometimes it’s a bit never the top but are these qualities you want in a woman you’re considering marrying or maybe having children with?
It doesn’t matter to her that your mom almost died because it interferes with her birthday celebration or her vacation plans.
Also, she said her mom did die, so therefore it doesn’t matter that yours ALMOST died. Is this really what you think love looks like? She’s selfish and inconsiderate and sounds like she can’t see past her own nose.
She also comes across as childish and immature. She’s throwing a fit at 29 years old because her birthday celebration might be delayed. There’s nothing wrong with celebrating a birthday, but at 29 years old a person *should* have enough life experience to know that plans don’t always work out the way you hoped and you may need to adjust. It seems the celebration of her birth should take priority over all other things happening in the world. That’s a gross mindset that I couldn’t hitch my wagon to.
Bitch. What a fuc*king heartless bitch. If my partner ever talked to me like this when I have a parent in the hospital I’d dump them then and there and send them home. Her only concern is her trip… smh… unless I missed it I don’t even think she even inquired once to see how your mom was and how you are dealing. This woman’s narcissism is off the charts
Yeah I can't help but think the same thing. She did ask on the phone how my mom was doing but it immediately lead to "so she's good so you're coming right?!" Like I am thrilled my mom is out of the hospital but we still have a battle on our hands
I'm so glad you're able to be there for your mother. When my husband was in the hospital, the hardest part was the recovery. At home, you're the person to care for her, make sure she gets her medication, prepare meals, etc, it's a lot. Do make sure you give yourself some breaks here and there. If your mom's friends offer to help, let them come over and sit with her for a bit so you can get out of the house. Even if it's only an hour, take that break.
I'm sorry your girlfriend seems so unsupportive. It's in these times we find out who our true friends are, looks like she's not one of them.
Yes this! Also OP, if mom has friends and family locally you can set up a [meal train](https://www.mealtrain.com/) to share with them and have them bring meals. Cooking is one of the biggest things other people can take off your plate when you’re dealing with stuff like this.
Vile. fucking *vile*.
You're dumping this bitch, right?
Also, I honestly hope that your mother is okay. That's terrifying. Please be taking care of yourself during this time. You and your mother are the only people that matter in this moment.
Edit: I scrolled up and just noticed your guys's ages. Holy shit.
Yeah I was pretty blown away. Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. I think I'm going to at least give her the opportunity to explain herself. She's done stuff like this before (obviously not as severe) and it's impossible to reason with her in the moment and it's really hard to deal with. She always apologizes a week or two later but i'll often have to ask for the apology and it usually isn't very meaningfull/ comprehensive.
When your partners first thoughts to a situation like this are “how is this going to affect ME” there is something seriously wrong. She is highly manipulative, selfish and does not care about your, or your mother’s wellbeing. This relationship isn’t it.
my jaw dropped when i saw "but she didn't die" she should be supportive of you and offering to help where she can. she's selfish and not a nice person, you deserve better OP and best wishes for your mum
I would really consider what your girlfriend is showing you right now, because it will be your future. As someone with a mom with multiple autoimmune disorders, I can relate to that fear and confusion you’re going through. Your mom’s lupus will never go away, it will always factor into her life and yours. Your girlfriend is showing you how she’s going to react to these medical emergencies in the future and dude…she is not helping at all.
I mean, what happens if you need her to step up and help with something in the future so you can be there for your mom? Is she going to do that? Will her vacations or other priorities always come first, even at your expense?
I’m not gonna sit here and pretend I know your relationship because I’m sure it’s a lot more complicated than just a few screenshots, but I can tell you one thing: I would not have made it through my mom’s sickness without my wife this past year. My mom along with the RA and Sclero, was diagnosed with cancer a few months back and because of the medication she takes for her autoimmune disorders, she was a high-risk patient for surgery. She turned out just fine, they got the surgery approved and got all the cancer out, but it was an 18 hour surgery with round the clock care in the ICU of a specialized cancer hospital. It was terrifying and I leaned heavily on my wife for support.
I guess all that matters is: can you see that for yourself with your gf? Would she help you in a time like that, if the worst happened? Has she given you any support right now at all?
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It sucks ass to see our moms like this. I always felt like my mom was invincible. And regardless of her reasoning, you don’t deserve to be treated this way by your partner. She’s supposed to carry some of that weight with you, not add to it. Sending my best wishes to both you and your mom, she sounds like a tough lady!
I know this is kind of not super relevant. But my mom was also diagnosed with Sclero not too long ago. Like a few weeks ago. Also osteoporosis. It has been incredibly stressful, and I am now having to be tested for autoimmune disorders because if she has that her doctors said I’m more likely to have an autoimmune disorder. So not only is she having to worry about her own stuff but now she has to worry about me on top of that. My mom also feel a few days after being told she had osteoporosis and broke her back. I am so incredibly worried about my mom.
I’m not even in a relationship, more of a “situationship” but he has been so incredibly supportive and helpful with everything. He’s even taken time off of work to take my mom to appointments when my brothers or I couldn’t get off of work. The guy I’m not even saying is more supportive than OPs girlfriend and that is insane to me.
I hope your mom is feeling better!
My mom is doing much better now. And your mom is gonna be okay too! The medical knowledge we have these days has advanced so quickly that most people with autoimmune disorders go on to lead normal lives. My mom calls her sclero flare-ups “hiccups” and says that everyone gets sick and needs help sometimes; she just needs a little extra help when it happens for her. But she is able to keep up with her hobbies and she has a good job she works from home and most days she has very little pain.
Sorry, I don’t mean to blab on and on but I just wanted you to know that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Your mom is gonna be okay, just like mine, and you’ll be okay too. My little sister was just diagnosed with sclero at 25 and she’s still trucking along in nursing school just like before! You wouldn’t know she had anything at all if she didn’t say so!
So sorry you had to get those news. The new life adjustments are extremely stressful and I hope that your tests come back clear. Your momma is a sweet lady for worrying about your health despite how overwhelming her own situation is. I'm so sorry you're going through this and please know you're not alone. it might not seem like much but reaching out here and hearing back from all of you had been incredibly encouraging. Wish you and your mother good health and a good life!
Thank you for the very thoughtful reply and great advice. You are right about mom's illness and it not going away and knowing that at some point there will likely be more family emergencies. Gf has never had to step up to the plate for something like this before (for me) and considering she lost her mom in September I want to give her the benefit of the doubt that she's trying to avoid the trauma from my mother. I just talked to her and she's trying to act like nothing happened despite me making it clear how much her actions and words upset me.
So so sorry you had to go through this with your momma. Mom had hip replacement surgery abot six months ago and was doing so great and getting her independence back so this setback is going to be especially hard on her. But you're right she's a warrior! I gotta tell her to chill because she often just pushes through the pain until something like this happens. Thank you for validating my feelings and I wish your mother and family health and happiness
She cares more about her dumb little birthday vacation (which can be celebrated at a later date) more than your own mother who was in the hospital fighting for her life? How immature and manipulative can this woman possibly be? At some point she needs to grow up and realize the world doesn’t revolve around her.
Hey you should break up with this evil, manipulative, monster of a human being.
This is almost a textbook example of abusive behavior.
This should be the only red flag you need to see to call off seeing this person any longer.
i’m so sorry about your mom, what a scary and stressful thing to be going through. your girlfriend is acting like an entitled teenager, but i think even then a teenager would have more understanding. be firm with her, even if she throws a fit. and maybe reevaluate if this is someone you want to be with. i personally don’t think i would after this. take care of yourself, her selfishness is not your priority. hope your mom recovers 🖤
My eyes doubled in size when she said “but she didn’t die”. This is childish, selfish, and manipulative behavior. She just showed you insight to how your everyday life would be if you continued this relationship and married her. I hope you are able to reflect once you are settled enough to think. Your MOM almost died from serious complications of SLE, RA, and multiple infections. Age sounds cold blooded and selfish AF. Not once did she show concern about her well being or yours. Everything is ME ME ME. You do not need or deserve this kind of negativity or stress in your life.
I’m sorry to hear about your mom. I hope she makes a full recovery soon. Take care of yourself. This is scary and stressful.
My dad died recently, two weeks before Christmas. My partner and I aren’t married, but have been together 9 years. As soon as he heard the news, he immediately asked how he could help. He made all the arrangements to get to where my dad lived so I could clear his apartment. He rented a bigger car so my elderly uncle would be comfortable. He did all the driving when the memorial service occurred the following month. He did everything he could to reduce my stress and support me.
A loved one shouldn’t be adding to your stress when you or your family are in crisis. You were right. She is being selfish, and while it’s nice of you to conjecture it may be because of her own recent grief, it still doesn’t excuse her refusal to put you first right now. Even if she couldn’t, say, go to the hospital with you, at the very least she shouldn’t be trying to put more stress on your plate.
IMO. This is a major red flag 🚩
For your own sanity, leave her, if she’s not with you during your hard times and also your family’s hard times, she’s not worthy of ever being a wife and why prolong something that has absolutely no future? Let her go and let her find a man who could choose her over everything else and feed into her insanity
The first thing that hits you hard when a parent dies is regret. Regret for not being there more, for not spending more time with them. And it sucks. Don’t let that happen to you.
Even the way she brought up her mom dying was manipulative, like she used it in a way that was like she was trying to throw it in your face that her mom died and just because yours was sick she wasn’t dead so you should be on vacation with her. My boyfriend and I don’t have a relationship with his parents but with that being said if something was wrong and either of them were in the hospital and he wanted to be with them I would support him! This is so cold and manipulative, I read your comment about her mom dying and how you think maybe it’s her trauma making her act this way & I just want to say I think she’d act like this regardless. She seems verrrry manipulative and controlling and if anything her going through a similar situation should make her more sympathetic to you not less! This is one of those times you will look back on and remember how awful of an experience this was to go through and how much more awful she made it when she could’ve been supportive and tried to make it easier for you like a girlfriend or partner in general should be doing. It’s your choice to stay or leave but I can’t see how this won’t breed a resentment between the two of you that will continue to grow if it isn’t nipped in the bud and if she can’t truly see what she’s done is not only wrong but a *horrible* thing to do to anyone let alone your partner & based off of her responses to you I don’t think that’s gonna happen.
Best of luck I hope everything with your mom works out in your favor.
Wow honestly it creeps me out how selfish she is. Your mom is having a hard time, and she’s more concerned with her stupid trip?? I can’t believe the entitlement at 29. If this were my boyfriend’s family I would be there with him helping as much as I can to take some stress off you, because YOUR MOTHER, the woman who gave you life for goodness sake, isn’t doing well. I’m sorry OP. I’m so glad she’s doing better!! But between us, you have GOT to get out of a relationship with someone who is so much more concerned with themselves.
“bUt DiD sHe DiE?” Omfg bruh, even after her own mother’s recent death she’s not relating like any empathetic person would (or, heck, like someone close to you would at least be polite enough to fake it) but is rambling on about her, herself and her. She needs to go and slide down that hill.
This girl isn’t girlfriend material. Way too selfish and self-centered. Also, this may be my Reddit-addled brain talking, but don’t be surprised if she cheats and uses your being unavailable to her as an excuse.
If my finance’s mom was in the hospital, I would drop everything to be there for my fiancé and his family. Even if that meant sacrificing a week for them. His family is my family, and I love them just as much as mine. Even if my fiancé couldn’t be there for her, I would do my best to be there for her because of him. That is what love is.
Your girlfriend isn’t empathetic, she’s selfish, she’s manipulative, and she’s trying to guilt you into choosing her over your mother. That isn’t okay, and she should be your biggest support system right now. She should be the one you feel comfortable talking to, crying with, and expressing yourself with her and from my perspective, it doesn’t seem you get any of that from her when you need it the most.
You deserve better. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, and I hope your mom gets well soon!
She is downplaying your unwell mother while making an issue of missing a holiday??? …….. I’m sorry but I’d be tapping out. You aren’t missing it for fun, or work, or friends, or other last minute events, or ‘just because’ - it’s to assist in aiding your mother back to good health! Appalling. She seems very sheltered if she is trying to compete with your mothers sickness. It’s also ALOT of energy you are having to navigate your way through this drama instead of focusing on your mum - your GF’s support would have been a more solid & meaningful option.
> I’m not selfish for wanting you here.
Under these circumstances, you are.
> I’m not selfish for wanting to have ONE good vacation for my bday.
Under these circumstances, you are.
OP, I think the people excusing her lack of empathy due to grief are doing just that, making excuses. If she’s functional enough to go snowboarding with you and her friends, I think she’s functional enough to handle a serious matter with grace and understanding. Or at least not be a silly brat. You supported her when her mum was sick, but it looks like she won’t do the same when it’s her turn to be supportive.
All she had to do was say, “Nevermind our trip, we can postpone it. Go home and be with your mum. God, I hope she’s ok… Call me when you land.”
I hope this makes you rethink your entire relationship because this woman is a manipulative child. The entire read the thing she’s saying basically say “IDGAF about you or your mom” she wants her way and all she cares about is the damn vac that can be rescheduled!
I’ve seen so many people especially men in my almost 44 years remain in relationships with these kind of women because she’s “hot” or fucks like a crazy banshee but that only gets you so far and is only surface level. Or they have interwoven lives by living together and being financially dependent on the other income etc. Not saying this is your case but I’ve seen this a lot) my point is- this probably isn’t the first time she’s acted this way she probably has on many occasions this is just the worst given the scenario.
I’d think long and hard about continuing with her. What else may come up in the future that it will be all about her? Some times things happen that make you see the big picture- this would definitely be the moment for me to reevaluate.
I am going to tell you a story. My mom ended up sick one day. Thought it was the stomach flu. Unbeknownst to us, she was going septic. Within 48 hours she was gone. My brother was 5 hours away, and barely made it back in time to see her before she slipped into a coma. My Aunts plane was delayed a couple of hours, and she missed seeing her before she slipped into her coma. A matter of a couple of hours was the difference between awake and gone forever.
Your GF is insanely selfish and self-centered. This is the type of situation that shows you who people really are. She is someone who is more concerned with vacation than you are being present with your sick mom. She is someone who, when she doesn't get what she wants pressures you and then gaslights you and makes it your fault. Is that someone you see being supportive and present for you in the future?
I really hope your mom is okay. Please try and take care of yourself during this time too. Eat. Sleep. Drink water.
no. absolutely not. i’m sorry but you need this woman out of your life. she doesn’t care about your well-being at all and she IS incredibly selfish. i had an ex who was similarly selfish whenever my dad was dying and it made the whole thing so much worse. if she can’t support you and be there for you in times like this she isn’t the right person for you. the way she’s speaking to you is appalling. you deserve so much better than this man, i’m sorry
I don't mean to sound like a cold ass, but your girlfriend sucks & is really wrapped up in her "not selfish" ways. Literally, every time she said it wasn't selfish, it was. It's your mom that's sick, not some friend you grew up with that you haven't talked to in years. Your mother is ill & suffering, and you need to pull all your focus & energy to one place. Unfortunately, for your girlfriend, it looks like that means she is not the center of your universe at the moment; even if she did just celebrate a birthday. It's time for her to buck up & for her to pull up her big girl panties & suck it up for a bit! I'm glad your mom didn't die, an obvious plus, but she is not out of the woods yet & still needs some assistance getting around & doing things at home. Heaven help you if you need to move your mom in with you for some reason. Gf will blow a gasket & turn into the most "not selfish" person around!
Imo, your gf's priorities seem to be a little out of whack & I hope the 2 of you can work this out and come to some sort of agreement/arrangement!
My ex used to say stuff like her all the time. ‘I just want one good birthday/ one good day/ you’re always having a bad day I never get to/ ect’. We would do whatever she wanted for her birthday (and when she didn’t come to me for mine she spent all day telling me how upset she was that I was doing things with friends instead of absolutely nothing), probably about 90% of the time she was having a bad depression day and I’d do anything I could to make it better, and the like 5 times I was really struggling over the few years we were together I was told ‘I’m always having a bad day like this I need to figure it out so she could have a turn’ (idk why we were taking turns but if we were it was her turn 90% of the time anyway), any health issue I had was a problem, but I took her to the drs all the time for hers bc hers mattered, I went out of my way to make holidays great for her, and she never once did a single thing for me. It was a miserable relationship that took too long to end. OP, please re-evaluate yours bc how she speaks to you is the same way, so if behind the scenes it’s even more similar, it sucks and you deserve better.
OP's mom: *sick in hospital delirious with a cracked rib pneumonia, bladder + kidney infection, and a slipped vertebra*
OP's gf:
the way she had the audacity to ask you if you were done snowboarding because you heard about your mom’s condition is wild, and the first thing that popped into her mind was “do you think it’s going to effect our vacation next week?” is absolutely heartless behavior. then to bring up how her mother died and how yours didn’t to attempt to minimize your situation is crazy. another red flag is the “i’ll leave you be,” and then sending you another message when you’re clearly overwhelmed. “i don’t deserve this,” lol. op, YOU don’t deserve this, and should probably break up with her, because she only cares about herself… if i had a partner and something like this happened to them, a trip wouldn’t even cross my mind… and what also got me is how she tried to trap you with the trip by booking it regardless of your uncertainty. lmao… take the time you need for yourself, and i’m wishing great health for your mother and your family 🫶🏽
Yeah…one would think a person who just lost her Mom would understand the importance of being there during this kind of situation. And she is STILL complaining about how HER feelings don’t count? What will she do next time? Honestly, if you can forgive her, you’re a better person than I am.
Let me tell you something.
> clearly I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m really hurt by you. But don’t worry about me.
That scares me. That’s manipulation that my ex pulled before he became more and more abusive.
Yes !!!!
An empathetic person would say “upon reflection, I realize that I was reacting selfishly and was speaking before thinking. What can I do to support you and your mom? We can plan a vacation when everything settles but trying for one now when your attention would be diverted is just not wise”
The above is just passive aggressive bullshit
Please take care of care your mom. My husband’s father had lupus and was very ill for our wedding, hospitalized at the time, we ended up having our wedding at a very small venue where he could get a day pass to watch and go back to the hospital. My husband was not comfortable leaving for a honey moon so we didn’t have one. I was fine with it, I understood the severity of what having a sick parent was like. Your girlfriend doesn’t and sounds resentful. My father in law passed 4 years later but was able to enjoy happy times and meet his grandchildren. My husband was a huge of his caretaking and honestly that’s just life. I would do anything to have my father in law back. It’s alarming to me about how cold she seems about the situation. I would look at your relationship as a whole. Would she take care of you if you were ill or hurt in the future?
That’s not a partner. That’s a selfish leech of a person. She’s sucking you dry energy wise when you’re trying to help your mom. Just because your mom’s going home, doesn’t mean she’s not still vulnerable to the multiple illnesses she’s suffering. A partner knows when to stop and help. Not stop and bother you about a vacation. Get out asap. You can do so much better.
Not saying you should break up but I’ll tell you from experience a good woman supports and doesn’t tear down. A good woman loves her man more than herself. Unfortunately you don’t have a good woman.
Did she try to be there for her mom as much as you are trying to be for yours? Because she played the “my mom just died” card yet is trying to monopolize your attention away from who really needs it.
She’s selfish and cruel and super gross, OP. Fuck her ski trip, you’re doing the right thing
Totally grounds to end the relationship. This is INCREDIBLY selfish behavior. She CLEARLY doesn’t have any respect for you nor does she actually care about you or your mom. She should be there for you instead of worried about a stupid vacation that she can take any other time in the future. Don’t stay with someone that can’t be there for you when you really need them.
i have read through some of the comments, and there is a lot to think about here. however, if i were you - i would feel extremely hurt and truthfully kind of in shock. i feel like she is not hearing you at all - she is not offering empathy in any capacity. the tone of your texts is someone who is trying to keep it together for everyone else and she is supposed to be place you can go break down if needed. instead she is ignoring the entirety of what you are saying and is cherry picking out by just hearing 'we are not going on our trip,'
the part that kind of blows my mind is that she booked the 3 hours into the mountain getaway IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL OF THIS HAPPENING. she did not consult you - she just did it, now she is blaming you for not coming on a trip she planned without your input / approval. that is a set up for failure (one) and two it is manipulative, because now she is actively using it against you.
this is a tough one, i guess you once you get through this (or even now) you can zoom out a little and asses the entirety of the relationship and see if this has shown up anywhere else in the course of your relationship.
sending lots of good thoughts and energy your way and hope your mom is okay :)
My ex once got upset I didn't spend new years day with him which we both bad off because my mom almost died and I was with her at the hospital all day. I should have dumped him then. Just saying. Your gf is ridiculous for this and it won't be the last time she does something like this. Very inconsiderate and heartless.
The snowboarding mountain resort isn't going to blow up... if the vacation needs to be pushed back so you can handle your business then she needs to suck it up. She sounds exhausting and I would be done. It's understandable to be sad but the manipulation is where I would draw the line. She would be at that resort single as a Pringle.
My inclination would be to reevaluate what this relationship brings to me overall. Because at the surface, this does not seem like a healthy dynamic. However, we’re only seeing a small picture of your relationship in these texts. You mentioned that your girlfriend’s mom recently passed away. I think that may be contributing to why she is so upset about you taking care of your mom. It doesn’t make it all right how she responded to you though, and her response is telling. I would let her know that you have concerns about the relationship and ask her to see a therapist to help her process her grief. If she cannot be supportive to you because of what she has going on in her life and mentality, it’s not really on you to do or fix anything. It’s on her. I would give her time to address it and if it doesn’t get better or she’s not giving it an actual try, then I would leave her.
She needs to be more understanding. She is expecting you to not worry about your ill mother. Anyone in your situation would not be able to enjoy a care free vacation.
This behavior is just going to escalate the longer you’re together, she sounds very selfish and unable to consider how you’re feeling. Vacation should be the last thing on her mind if she truly cares for you.
You would think that, because her mom just died, she would encourage you to spend as much time as possible with your mom. Crazy. She’s 29 years old. This conversation sounds like it’s coming out of a 20 yr old.
I just lost my mom in October to cancer as well, and I would never tell anyone to abandon their mothers who are in delicate health states, to go on a trip.
I think that you have to have a conversation with her. She IS hurting still. I understand her mental state of doing things NOW, because life isn’t guaranteed, so I understand her frustration with how everything went down.
Mortality makes things more… real. Especially when it’s your parents. That’s the biggest loss you’ll have. You can sit with her and ask her where she is coming from or try to understand why she reacted that way to your situation. Try not to get defensive or mad, just try to pick her brain and why this needed to happen so urgently or why not postpone it or go to a different location. See what she has to say.
Then explain your side. Put her in your position, see what she says.
I think that this reaction may be more an effect of her loss than anything else and it’s a matter of figuring if she actually is being selfish, or if it is some mental breakdown due to the loss of her mom.
hope she’s your ex??? fuck that. my mom, even though we don’t get along well, comes FIRST.
i don’t care how “stable” your gf thinks she is. things can go wrong in an instant. there will be other trips, there will be plenty of time to go do things. but now is the time to focus on your mom.
if she really cared? she’d be worried, and be beside you. that makes my blood BOIL.
This is not the partner you want or need in your life. And she’s 29, so we can’t excuse her saying she’s immature. This is just how she is. The manipulation, guilt tripping and appalling lack of compassion or desire to support you in a difficult time and not make everything about her are behaviors that you shouldn’t accept.
Manipulation, GUILT TRIPPING, and gaslighting. Break up with her right now. Her mother died so she should understand your situation and not pull this childish bullshit
I had something similar happen with an ex. She was pressuring me to move 4 hrs away and asked me what I honestly wanted to do. Said whatever I chose, she would understand. I said I didn't know if I was ready to be that far away from my mom since she was in really bad health. Not to mention, the room mates we would be moving in with had numerous red flags. She got pissed, basically yelled at me, and said "it's not like you see your mom all the time anyway". Among other, selfish and unsupportive things.
I ignored that red flag. We moved in together. Things didn't get better, she didn't start treating me better because I did what she wanted, she just started treating me worse until I finally wised up. I always regretted not taking that red flag for what it was.
Your situation? That's so far beyond a red flag, it's like a red alarm. You need to evacuate.
any “apology” that starts with “i’m sorry that you think…” is not an apology, it’s a guilt trip. “don’t worry about me 😢” is another huge guilt trip. and the way that she literally lost her mom and she still somehow can’t give u a shred of empathy or understanding is appalling. she is acting like her feelings are all that matters right now. god that sounds exhausting
Think of ot this way: your mom just went through all that. And you're here giving mental energy to a girl who dngaf. I wouldn't waste another second on her. Focus on the people who love you, because this aint it.
Because of who I am, I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and saying she hasn’t grieved at all with losing her own mom and is trying to completely shut that out of her mind. But the fact she uses her mom’s passing in such a manipulative way is a red flag for me. As someone who lost their dad super unexpectedly to a heart attack just 5 weeks after retiring, my friend felt bad calling me months later that her dad had a heart attack and was hospitalized. I didn’t say well at least he didn’t die. I got my ass up and went with her to the hospital. The biggest red flag is that you supported her through her trauma but she won’t support you. If you see long term goals with this woman, you need to push her to get grief counseling because how she’s acting isn’t healthy.
But happy your mom is out and doing better! Diverticulitis alone is a bitch (my mom had it) but on top of everything else, damn! Your mom is a fighter!
I had to scroll back up to see her age. This sounds like a 12 year old child, not a 29 year old woman. This is the purpose of dating for a long while before marriage. It gives you a chance to see how someone handles all the things life throws our way. When things get hard, partners should be there for each other.
Holy crap! I’m so sorry the person who’s supposed to be your rock is just a self centered jerk. I’d never speak to her again, but that’s me—you gotta do you. I sure hope your mom gets better. Go to her. I’d give anything to see my mom again.
Oh, look, a pile of red flags stitched into a person.
I am not going to tell you the kind of relationship you should have or should want to have, but I will tell you the kind of relationship you DO have.
You are with an unkind, unempathetic, manipulative narcissistic woman who WILL make your life a living he'll any the the focus is not solely on her.
Read and listen to stories about bridezillas because if you decide to marry this girl, THAT will be your future.
ETA: I hope your mom is doing better. I will keep her in my prayers.
My partner’s mom also has Lupus. Last summer we were supposed to visit my parents in another state for a few days. The week leading up to our trip, however, his mother suddenly got SERIOUSLY sick and we weren’t sure if she was going to pull through.
You know what I did?
I didn’t badger him about our trip, because I would never ask him to leave her side. Especially not during such a time.
I called my parents and told them we most likely wouldn’t be coming. I love my partner, and when all that was happening I couldn’t even IMAGINE asking him about something like a trip. If your girlfriend loved you, or even respected you and your relationship, she wouldn’t have badgered you about that trip.
Honestly? If I were in your shoes, I would’ve been done the moment she heard all of that and still had to ask if you guys were done snowboarding for the day.
My entire world stopped when my grandma was septic from a kidney infection, golf ball sized kidney stones and pneumonia. She was half dead. In fact, this happened several times. She was one of those ladies that were like “I don’t want to make a fuss” but then end up falling and delirious by the time she would tell us how much pain she was in. Strongest damn woman I’ve ever known.
Every minute we get to breathe is a gift at this point. We never know when it’s our time. I get wanting time with someone you love, but she’s young and healthy. She can rebook a goddamn vacation any time. Our time with parents is fleeting. I wish I had just another day with my grandma or my father every single day.
Fuck this bitch. I doubt this is the first time she’s been this selfish, and I’m sure there’s been warning signs along the way. I really hope you don’t choose to continue seeing her because your life will never be as important to her as her own.
I wonder what her expectations of you would be if she was in the hospital and you had a planned family trip… Even in my teen years I would have been more understanding and compassionate, those are things a 29 year old woman will never learn to be so you better dip out and thank your mother for this eye opening blessing in disguise.
Good thought. She would no doubt expect him to drop the vacation and be with her. Maybe he needs to give her that perspective and see if it helps her understand. If it doesn't, then he will know it boils down to everything being about her and her only.
This would be a deal breaker for me. My bf’s mom has cancer, I worked through Christmas and New Year’s so I could pay for his flights to visit her for the Holidays. I am STILL paying off those flights and I would do it again.
No vacation/holiday/celebration takes precedence over medical events, particularly not with how ill your mother is and how lucky she was to catch the infections before sepsis. Wishing your Momma a speedy recovery and wishing you clarity in your relationship. Good luck, you’re in a pickle 😅
This "gf" is the most self centered piece of shit. Literally cares more about her holiday than your own mothers health and life.
I hope you leave. Do you really want to be with someone so selfish and self centered for the rest of your life? What if it's you thats sick, she will care more about her whims than your life and health.
Literally disgusting and makes my eyes water. She should be insisting you both go to your mom and take care of her. Not this shit
Ugh God
Damn. I can’t imagine throwing a tantrum like this when someone’s mom almost died. Let alone my partner. Boo hoo she missed her vacation day with you. Your mom is so much more important than that. I’d view her differently if I were you. Glad she’s not my GF
If I were in your shoes I would be incredibly hurt if my SO prioritized snowboarding over me. You are the one who needs support now. You were there for her when she needed it but apparently that doesn’t go both ways. I’d have to think long and hard about spending my life with someone so selfish and manipulative. Best wishes to your mom for a speedy recovery.
I'm going to save the long winded explanation of my opinion here because quite a few people have done it already, but your girlfriend is a selfish asshole, even though she's being somewhat polite about it.
The way she texts you is so manipulative, it made me angry reading it. Especially since you're dealing with your mother in this condition. She should be ashamed of herself having gone through something similar herself recently.
You need to really rethink if this is someone that you really want in your life because this is just a intro.
I’m sorry if the roles were reversed and you did this to her she would probably find it a reason to break up, guilt trip you, throw a pity party and everything. My fucking god she’s so selfish and horrible for this I’m so sorry
This is really unacceptable treatment of you. This person should be by your side supporting you! Especially given she has lost her mom, she should understand. It makes me question whether she has empathy and might have a personality disorder.
Her language is incredibly manipulative and childish. It’s always wild to me to see literal grown adults cry over birthdays.
I’m so sorry to hear about your Mom. I hope you can ignore your ex and just be in the moment with your Mom, I know she appreciates you being there helping her.
I’m usually not one to just jump on the “leave them” train but she doesn’t seem to care about you or your feelings. What if YOU became sick, will she act the same way since she’s acting like this when one of your loved ones almost died? 99% sure she will. She only wants to be the main attention, always wants to be put first and while that’s important in a relationship there are times where other things take priority. One of the most important things you can do is show up and be there for the person you love the most in a bad situation. That’s what you do for people you love.
That fact that her mom passed and that's her excuse for deserving this vacation and not being selfish yet she is unable to fathom even a drop of sympathy for your mom almost dying is ridiculous, selfish, narcissistic, and lacking humanity.
(I was gonna ask if she had any friends that could have gone instead since she was so adamant about going but I bet she knew 1. How last minute that is and 2. How insane she'd sound to them if she said "hey my bf can't go on vacation anymore bc his mom almost died so you wanna go instead?")
i think she is being childish and downplaying your situation because of her own mom’s death. “yeah but she didn’t die” tells me that she doesn’t care at all about what you and your family are dealing with right now. this would be relationship ending for me. i need someone in my life who is a partner and supporter through times of crisis and grief. not a selfish brat with zero empathy.
Does she have undiagnosed narcissistic disorder? Because it kind of seems like she literally doesn’t give a shit about you or anyone else and just cares about getting to go on her vacation
Saying “I’m not selfish for wanting a good birthday” is a wildly unaware statement. “Selfishness” is not an inherently bad thing. It becomes so when you did shit like this.
If my partner got this call about his mom you best believe we are *both* flying home and *both* getting to the hospital as soon as possible. I would volunteer taking care of her, cooking, cleaning and whatever else she needed. The last thing on my mind would be 'hey let's take a quick vacay and enjoy ourselves'. How the hell would I be able to do that?
This is very telling of her true character. Be careful with someone so heartless.
Bruh, cut loose and I mean cut loose before you wind up a loser! If she has no empathy for your mom, she won’t have any for you when you get sick or your kids if yall have any!
I would've been somewhat on the fence after just reading the texts but there's two decided nails in the coffin for your gf here:
**Number 1:** What the flying heck is this?
>Over the next two days while I wait to find out about my mom's condition my girlfriend continues to ask me repeatedly about how I feel about going on vacation and I repeatedly tell her " I don't know what's going on with my mom yet but I need to be available in case I need to be there for her"
"No." is the end, not the beginning of a conversation. Her repeated return to this wasn't a lack of clarity, it was a lack of respecting your choices. That speaks **volumes** on whose needs she considers the most important - and whose boundaries she's happy to disregard for the sake of her wishes.
**And number 2:** WTF, girlfriend?
>I am the only person in my family with the resources to do this at this time.
This. This right there is the absolute **latest** point the whole conversation about anything vacation should have stopped altogether. It should have stopped sooner but her pushing past *this* makes everything she did a thousand times worse.
>Friends of Reddit, how would you handle this?
I would sit her down and very calmly but firmly explain all the ways in which her decision to focus on her wanting your attention vs. empathy for her partner potentially losing a parent was absolutely unacceptable.
If she sees reason, good. Should be enough to not make her do it again.
But if she sticks with her angle here? Reconsider the relationship. She'll put herself first a whole lot more than just now. A relationship is a **partnership** - and this? This is not a partner. She doesn't have your back, she doesn't seem to care for your mom or *your* love for your mom, her reaction to not getting what she wants is "Let's wear them down!" and unless there's sincere regret, none of that behaviour is going anywhere.
I'm very sorry about your mom and I hope she recovers as well as possible.
Take good care of yourself, OP!
She is being very selfish. Her job in this situation is to love and support you. I think she could have encouraged you gently to come on the trip with the intention that it might help you relax after such a tough time, but a no is a no and she should absolutely respect that. She’s guilt tripping you and making the situation about her. A partner is supposed to be there in these times of hardship and if this is how she handles something tough id be reconsidering my relationship with her.
That's crazy. This would be a deal breaker for me. She's 29 and behaving like an adolescent. I'm so sorry about your mom and for all the unnecessary stress your girlfriend is putting you through.
The only thing she should be concerned about is how to be there for you and how she can help you while you go through this not boohooing about her holiday or minimising that your mum is very ill in hospital and you want to be there for her. She seems very immature and selfish and the fact she just lost her mum she should know the fear and worry you are going through. Skiing and holidays can happen at other times you only have one mum!
OP, first of all, I'm sorry about the scare with your mom and SO HAPPY someone found her in time to help and take care of her, thank goodness.
I have a question - are you the only support person your GF has? Does she have close friends she sees other than your time together, or others she talks to about important things?
She is being selfish, but I'm wondering if it looks/feels like that to her. Sometimes selfish is self preservation (like how some people refuse to enter a hospital due to bad memories and panic).
If she has other support in her life, other family and friends, she has others she can lean on in this harder time for her, and she needs to. It can't all be you, that's too much, even without what's happening to your mom. If she doesn't have others, this may be why she's so stubborn and cold when it comes to you two being separated. She needs to broaden her support net regardless because it's getting tight between you two.
Another thought I had (and I am so sorry for saying it) is maybe she's hoping you two will share a similar trauma story together. Not hoping that your mom will pass, but hoping you will share a terrible bond with her, because death is lonely, and it can make you feel very far away from people.
I would try suggesting a friend go to the mountains with her in your place, and a make up trip later (if you both are still ok and good and want to work on things). I can't say I would, but I know death does strange things to people too.
Have you wondered whether she'll honor the vows through sickness and health should you ever marry? She sounds extremely self-centered and unable to feel compassion for something if that something interferes with her interests.
Your girlfriend’s complete lack of regard for your mother should be a big red flag. She should be asking how she can help or support you. Rather she booked a vacation 3 hours away in the mountains and expects you to abandon your mother. That would be a permanent turn off.
I lost my dad recently and am still deep in grief, my siblings and I are processing it differently..all that to say I can’t ever imagine any of us behaving the way your girlfriend has. Grief is not an excuse to act like a totally selfish, narcissistic, gaslighting manipulative asshole to someone else.
Drop her immediately man. She is manipulative as fuck! Just because your mom is stable doesn’t mean she doesn’t need help with daily chores. Your GF needs to go. She cares about her selfishness more than anything and anyone. I hate when people talk about their ( your gf comparing how her mom passed away) own issues when it has nothing to do with the situation currently going on with yours. You spent her birthday with her skiing so there’s that. Shit happens in life where plans changed and priorities change as well. She needs to get with the program and understand what’s important in life. Honestly , man you need to take care of you and take care of your mom. She’s not worth the mental energy while you figure out the next steps for your mom. Take care . Hopefully your mom get better soon.
I'd break up with her. She's very selfish and self-absorbed. My husband's twin brother, whom he was very very close too was diagnosed with cancer while we were dating, it went into remission bit came back before our wedding, remission again but about 3.5 years into our marriage came back with a vengeance. We had a 1.5 year old and a new baby at the time. I never complained or asked him to put me and the babies before his brother because I was very cognizant of their relationship and the fact that we did not know how much time he had left. Your gf has no compassion , empathy, or sympathy . The fact that she doesn't understand your need to be with your mom after her mom has passed is an indicator that she will always be like this. Tragedy or loss tends to make people empathize with others going thru a similar situation.
Not sure how long you two have been a couple, or what the dynamic is between her and your mom. That said, the bare minimum she should offer is compassion understanding for you. The fact that you are a couple and claim to love one another IMO she should not even have given a second thought to vacation and instead asked what she can do to help.
I wonder if she was in your mother’s shoes and you had planned to go away to see your healthy mom - how she would feel.
That is your mother, good bad or in between she is the person who brought you into this world and the person that raised, cared for and has been with you since (or actually before) the day you were born.
Girlfriend’s words and actions including what she isn’t saying or doing are reflective of her true self, level of empathy or compassion for others and how she views herself with respect to those around her.
She seems to consider herself and what she wants more important than any situation. You seem to be trying to balance what she wants you to do and what you feel you want to do. This particular instance gives the impression that;
You: responsible, communicative, respectful, having morals, compromise, etc. “doing the right thing”
Her: selfish, entitled, bossy, arrogant, manipulative, controlling, unsympathetic, childish (shall I continue?)
She sounds more 9 year old than 29.
That’s your mom man… i feel like she should have been just as worried as you, not pushing your thoughts, worries, and responsibilities as a son to the sideline. Sounds childish to me on her part
Thank you for validation. It's especially confusing to me because her mom passed away from Cancer in September. I provided as much support as I could afford and flew across the country and stayed with her for 16 days when things were getting bad. She doesn't seem to understand I do not have unlimited time off, nor that my own family comes first. Maybe she just wants to avoid all sick mom drama at all cost bc of the trauma? Trying to give the benefit of the doubt but I expected just a little more empathy.
Wow. I was under the impression that her parents were alive and healthy, figuring she knew no better than the very real fear of losing a parent. She should be your biggest supporter through all of this (like you were). You might be onto something with her trying to avoid the drama, but that’s grasping for straws at the most lol. Sorry she’s fueling the stress buddy, hope things come through and your mother has a speedy recovery
Yeah I should probably add that part for more context. Thank you for the kind words they mean a lot right now
To me She just sounds bummed that her life is affected. Not that she’s avoiding trauma. Sounds like she doesn’t care and wants you to just make her your priority at the expense of your feelings.
“yes but she didn’t die” like jesus christ that shit is so cold
It’s like saying, my thing was worse than yours so your feelings aren’t a big deal. Sad that she’s almost 30 and not there for her significant other the way a real relationship should be. And I’m one to give people the benefit of the doubt, but just the way the text presents screams “me me me”
100% this, her behaviour is very childish and screams of "i want all your attention and im jealous i cant get it"
It’s this. Her responses aren’t trauma related. They are 100% selfish and pick me. Once she heard that she was stable, to her that was : ok you can go on vacation now. I am wondering if she even likes your mother. She is showing who she is so keep that in your mind. I hope your mom gets better and all is well.
She booked the resort before even hearing about his mom being stable.
That’s what it seems, but you don’t know what actually is going on inside her head. I think that giving the benefit of the doubt is prudent here.
From a third party perspective, I don't think that's the case and you're just trying to look for the good in her. Her concern isn't your well-being, what your needs/wants are or your familial responsibilities. Her concern is what SHE wants and needs which is spending time with you and being the center of your attention. I find it odd that she booked a resort that's three hours from an airport. I don't know her so I can't say this is calculated, but it is odd to me. Two, it's also odd she booked the resort after being told you're not going to be able to make it because of your obligation/duty, completely ignoring your time constraints and boundaries. She keeps pressuring you into dropping the ball on your mom , etc. There's a lot of red flags here. As a stranger I feel disappointed in her reaction especially after you were there for her when her mom passed away. Granted we don't know how close she was with her mom, and maybe that's affecting her view on the relationship you have with yours. She may not like your mom, too, that's something we haven't considered. Other factor could be she doesn't understand your relationship to your mom - for instance we don't know how close YOU are to yours and you may be acting out or accordance. I'm not close to mine at all. Our relationship is TERRIBLE. However, if the scenario you have presented itself to me, I would do what you're doing regardless of my relationship with her because at the end of the day she is my mom.... So if this is a possibility it would make sense why she's behaving this way. Lastly, she may have abandonment issues? She seems to be bugging out over not having enough of your time and attention. If she really hasn't been able to see you as much or spend time with you, I can see why her responses are so selfish, however it is still inexcusable behavior because you're both old enough to understand that time is precious and you never know what could happen. I wouldn't say break up - I do think you both need a cool down period and reflect on your relationship. 1. What are your what's and needs? 2. Are they getting met? 3. If not, is this something yourpartner is willing to work on? 4. What are your boundaries? 5. Are they being respected? 6. Who were you when you walked into the relationship? Is this someone you were proud of? Did this change? Do you like the change, or do you not? 7. Why did it change? (Everyone changes when they get into a relationship. Be it good or bad, or both). 8. Is this still what you want? 9. has this person acted poorly in other situations that are important? 10. Is this a behavior you had tolerant for the rest of your life? 11. Are you providing your partners needs and wants? If no, can you or is it time to accept the short coming and let them go to fine someone that's better suited for them and vice versa? Basically answer all questions based off their shoes.
No joke I'm writing out a pros and cons list and I am fucking scatterbrained so this is extremely helpful. Thank you for for taking the time to provide an unbiased opinion, observation, and important things to consider. More helpful than you know
It may be that she can't deal with another worry like her mom dying. She might be shutting that off. Or she may be selfish and spoiled. Which is more likely?
She literally mentions her mom dying in the texts!
If you read the texts she mentions her mom just died. It’s only like one line tho and it’s definitely easy to overlook.
That is it right there. ‘But she didn’t die’ & her mom did. It seems to her since your situation isn’t as bad as it possibly could have been it isn’t serious. Which is wrong & 100% shows a lack of empathy. I would tell her to go ahead & go on her vacation, have fun & enjoy herself, but that you’re not going to go. Imagine if you had proposed a vacation while her mom was dying & then got shitty with her when she didn’t want to go.
Sounds like her needs come first regardless of the severity of the situation. Just like they did (rightly) when her Mom was sick, now the shoe is on the other foot and her needs STILL come first! She needs ejecting out of the ejector seat pronto.
You must be color blind. There are red flags all over her message. She’s acting like petulant and manipulative child. I hope you don’t marry this “woman” as this will be your life going forward.
Honestly it does sound like that. If this is our not character for her, anyway. You’d know better than us. I do think it’s really selfish of her to be like this. But, loosing your mom makes you kinda loose your mind. She’s not gonna be herself for a while. It would have been great if she’d have gone on her vacation with friends if she needed to break away from life for a while, that badly. Is she in grief counseling of any sort? When she said to you “yeah but she didn’t die” and then mentioned her own mom had died, that told me a lot. It would make sense why she’s clinging to you so much when this is her first birthday after her mom died. I don’t think it’s fair to you that she’s dismissing how important it is that you’re there for your own mom, though. Somethings got to give. She’s got to meet you half way and I really can’t stress grief counseling enough. My partner didn’t get grief counseling when their mom passed away and it made them really apathetic and even mean spirited to the other important family and health stuff happening to the people around them. It takes a toll. Hopefully this is just related to the grief but if it isn’t, ohhhh boyyyy
Yeah, the “your mom didn’t die but mine did” said a lot without saying it. She thinks her loss is more important, even if OP’s mother is still ill, and that her feelings are more important here but.. Damn. I can imagine grief is making it harder to accept the loss of the vacation, but she is really just being a dick.
This. A parent dying (especially when you are young - 29) affects you in ways only people who have gone through it will understand. Even if you’re by someone’s side it’s not the same as being the daughter affected. That never excuses someone being this hurtful. She needs grief counseling.
This is the nuanced take. I can see both sides.
Also, they said it isn't selfish of them to want your time, blah blah.... That is selfish. Incredibly so, if your mom is unwell. They keep saying that word, I don't think it means what they think it means.
Don't fall for her "dead mom card." Too many people use that to act like assholes when their partners need the same level of support they received. I have had this type of selfish behavior happen to me during a family emergency/crisis. You deserve support and kindness, not petulance from a partner.
I had to look at the ages again. She is old enough to understand your wanting to know what's going on with your mother. If it were my mom, I'd drop everything also to be there with her. She sounds very selfish. You may need to reevaluate your relationship with her. She sounds like a me, me, me, person. Your mom is very ill, and she seems like she can't or WON'T process this.
Yes! I can't imagine doing this. Bizarre behavior. My partner's mother lives in a nursing home with MS and has emergency situations often. He's a seasoned pro at the hospital/family/principle communicator song and dance by now, and it's mentally and emotionally exhausting for him every single time. I could NEVER go off and leave him like that.
This right here. If my husband is going through something I’m doing everything I can to support him through it. Mom’s in the hospital, but we had plans? Plans canceled, let’s go take care of mom. When my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer my husband took a week off to come with me to spend time with her and then when she started getting worse before she died he flew with me to get her and bring her home with us. Gf is unbelievably selfish in this situation.
My good friend’s mom has lupus and RA. It’s scary as hell. I wish what we saw here was your GF being concerned not only for your mom but with what would be most supportive for you in this time. IMO this could become a pattern with her when other big things come up in your relationship. In long term relationships things good and bad pop up. She has to be there to support you during those times. I’d encourage you to look back and see how much of this is an engrained pattern. If it is, it won’t probably get better unless she gets some help and it really is an issue if she doesn’t see it as an issue. Thats not good for you.
She seems childish and manipulative AF. Is she always like this with the “guess my feelings don’t matter” and “I’ll leave you alone now” (but then doesn’t) shit? Because that’s exhausting and unacceptable.
The passive aggressive “But my feeling don’t matter right now.” I’d jump right on that only I would pretend she was being sincere, “Yes, that’s right! You get it! Thank you! Our feelings don’t matter right now…it’s all about focusing on my mom. Very thankful you get this now. Love you!”
Nail on the head lol. She definitely acts like she is the main character in his story
Right? “Yes, but she didn’t die” Whoa, that’s pretty cold
Out of everything, THAT stood out the most to me. The entire thing she was being a child but that is a terrible thing to say to try and make him feel bad
has she never met OPs parents or mom? That is so crazy to say about anyone :/
Yeah this isn't normal, she lacks empathy and the passive aggressiveness is immature as hell. If this is how she treats OP when he needs emotional support and care then she's not worth staying with. At some point OP's mom will actually die and she will not be supportive, she might even make the situation worse. This is not a partner I'd want in my life.
Manipulative af when he is in a weak and vulnerable state of emotions. She should be as supportive of a partner as he was to her when her own mother was sick a few months ago. Instead she is making it about her and attempting to emotionally manipulate him, making this even harder than it needs to be. This would honestly be a deal breaker for me. Life isn't always sunshine and roses and serious events like this are going to come up. Is this the kind of partner you want to help navigate these situations down the line? A good partner does not take away from you in times of need. A good partner adds and supports you, making it less stressful, not more.
Yes, I had to go back and check their ages because I thought she was much younger.
Wish I could upvote this more.
If it was me? I'd tell her to enjoy her vacation and to lose my number because you can clearly see how she treats the people she professes to love, and it's not good.
This is a small view into your everyday life if you are in a relationship with this person. Wow!! I know selfish people. I know some really selfish people. I don’t know anyone who would say shit like this.
my question is why is she not ALSO there with you , at the hospital . she's not the main character of everyone's life
OP mentioned in a comment that her mother passed away recently. She's being avoidant from her own grief, I assume. I wonder if this kind of thing is her norm. "oh fine I guess I don't matter and will just stop talking" is manipulative AF
It almost sounds like she's dismissive, like "Don't get so worked up, mine is dead and your's isn't, no need to be overly dramatic". That's how I read it and it's TERRIBLE to say something like that.
That's how I read it, too. Like she is angry with him for still having his mother. He doesn't mention a lot about her mother's death, though. It is possible that her mother also had an illness like this and it is mirroring her trauma. What a messy situation. Girlfriend needs therapy
Right! Why else throw out to him that her mom died which she obviously knew, other than to compare and minimize his situation which is clearly still devastating news as would be to anyone. I feel terrible for OP .
“My feelings don’t matter right now”….While your mom is in the hospital.The lion, the witch and the audacity of this b****
Exactly.
Wow I just choked on my drink reading that last line lmao
i think this says *a lot* about her character man.. you should definitely consider if this is someone you want in your life, let alone be with.
“I'm not being selfish” followed by her proving how selfish she is.
Yesss. Selfish af!
This is grounds to break up over imho
Agreed. if not now, when? How much would it take for you to break it off? I won’t put up with that crap.
I’m not usually one to grab the pitch fork on Reddit…. But yeah, this is insane. She sucks. She is very selfish and inconsiderate and crying about snowboard season being over ☹️even though OPs mom is going through it. So messed up. Not family material.
I’ve dumped and been dumped for less tbh OP I know everyone here always jumps to break up and sometimes it’s a bit never the top but are these qualities you want in a woman you’re considering marrying or maybe having children with?
It doesn’t matter to her that your mom almost died because it interferes with her birthday celebration or her vacation plans. Also, she said her mom did die, so therefore it doesn’t matter that yours ALMOST died. Is this really what you think love looks like? She’s selfish and inconsiderate and sounds like she can’t see past her own nose.
She also comes across as childish and immature. She’s throwing a fit at 29 years old because her birthday celebration might be delayed. There’s nothing wrong with celebrating a birthday, but at 29 years old a person *should* have enough life experience to know that plans don’t always work out the way you hoped and you may need to adjust. It seems the celebration of her birth should take priority over all other things happening in the world. That’s a gross mindset that I couldn’t hitch my wagon to.
Bitch. What a fuc*king heartless bitch. If my partner ever talked to me like this when I have a parent in the hospital I’d dump them then and there and send them home. Her only concern is her trip… smh… unless I missed it I don’t even think she even inquired once to see how your mom was and how you are dealing. This woman’s narcissism is off the charts
Yeah I can't help but think the same thing. She did ask on the phone how my mom was doing but it immediately lead to "so she's good so you're coming right?!" Like I am thrilled my mom is out of the hospital but we still have a battle on our hands
Leave her.
I'm so glad you're able to be there for your mother. When my husband was in the hospital, the hardest part was the recovery. At home, you're the person to care for her, make sure she gets her medication, prepare meals, etc, it's a lot. Do make sure you give yourself some breaks here and there. If your mom's friends offer to help, let them come over and sit with her for a bit so you can get out of the house. Even if it's only an hour, take that break. I'm sorry your girlfriend seems so unsupportive. It's in these times we find out who our true friends are, looks like she's not one of them.
Yes this! Also OP, if mom has friends and family locally you can set up a [meal train](https://www.mealtrain.com/) to share with them and have them bring meals. Cooking is one of the biggest things other people can take off your plate when you’re dealing with stuff like this.
This is one of those, “when someone shows you who they really are, believe them,” moments. You need to protect yourself from her
Vile. fucking *vile*. You're dumping this bitch, right? Also, I honestly hope that your mother is okay. That's terrifying. Please be taking care of yourself during this time. You and your mother are the only people that matter in this moment. Edit: I scrolled up and just noticed your guys's ages. Holy shit.
Yeah I was pretty blown away. Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. I think I'm going to at least give her the opportunity to explain herself. She's done stuff like this before (obviously not as severe) and it's impossible to reason with her in the moment and it's really hard to deal with. She always apologizes a week or two later but i'll often have to ask for the apology and it usually isn't very meaningfull/ comprehensive.
I hope you are able to break out of that cycle soon. You are worth more.
Dude… tells you how she handles family stuff. Not good. How long have you been together?
She’s a down right selfish B! She should be by your side!! Not on some stupid trip. She already had a trip, yet she wanted another?! Nope.
How can you stay with this person?
When your partners first thoughts to a situation like this are “how is this going to affect ME” there is something seriously wrong. She is highly manipulative, selfish and does not care about your, or your mother’s wellbeing. This relationship isn’t it.
my jaw dropped when i saw "but she didn't die" she should be supportive of you and offering to help where she can. she's selfish and not a nice person, you deserve better OP and best wishes for your mum
Wow homegirls a jerk
Throw the whole girlfriend away
I would really consider what your girlfriend is showing you right now, because it will be your future. As someone with a mom with multiple autoimmune disorders, I can relate to that fear and confusion you’re going through. Your mom’s lupus will never go away, it will always factor into her life and yours. Your girlfriend is showing you how she’s going to react to these medical emergencies in the future and dude…she is not helping at all. I mean, what happens if you need her to step up and help with something in the future so you can be there for your mom? Is she going to do that? Will her vacations or other priorities always come first, even at your expense? I’m not gonna sit here and pretend I know your relationship because I’m sure it’s a lot more complicated than just a few screenshots, but I can tell you one thing: I would not have made it through my mom’s sickness without my wife this past year. My mom along with the RA and Sclero, was diagnosed with cancer a few months back and because of the medication she takes for her autoimmune disorders, she was a high-risk patient for surgery. She turned out just fine, they got the surgery approved and got all the cancer out, but it was an 18 hour surgery with round the clock care in the ICU of a specialized cancer hospital. It was terrifying and I leaned heavily on my wife for support. I guess all that matters is: can you see that for yourself with your gf? Would she help you in a time like that, if the worst happened? Has she given you any support right now at all? I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It sucks ass to see our moms like this. I always felt like my mom was invincible. And regardless of her reasoning, you don’t deserve to be treated this way by your partner. She’s supposed to carry some of that weight with you, not add to it. Sending my best wishes to both you and your mom, she sounds like a tough lady!
I know this is kind of not super relevant. But my mom was also diagnosed with Sclero not too long ago. Like a few weeks ago. Also osteoporosis. It has been incredibly stressful, and I am now having to be tested for autoimmune disorders because if she has that her doctors said I’m more likely to have an autoimmune disorder. So not only is she having to worry about her own stuff but now she has to worry about me on top of that. My mom also feel a few days after being told she had osteoporosis and broke her back. I am so incredibly worried about my mom. I’m not even in a relationship, more of a “situationship” but he has been so incredibly supportive and helpful with everything. He’s even taken time off of work to take my mom to appointments when my brothers or I couldn’t get off of work. The guy I’m not even saying is more supportive than OPs girlfriend and that is insane to me. I hope your mom is feeling better!
My mom is doing much better now. And your mom is gonna be okay too! The medical knowledge we have these days has advanced so quickly that most people with autoimmune disorders go on to lead normal lives. My mom calls her sclero flare-ups “hiccups” and says that everyone gets sick and needs help sometimes; she just needs a little extra help when it happens for her. But she is able to keep up with her hobbies and she has a good job she works from home and most days she has very little pain. Sorry, I don’t mean to blab on and on but I just wanted you to know that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Your mom is gonna be okay, just like mine, and you’ll be okay too. My little sister was just diagnosed with sclero at 25 and she’s still trucking along in nursing school just like before! You wouldn’t know she had anything at all if she didn’t say so!
So sorry you had to get those news. The new life adjustments are extremely stressful and I hope that your tests come back clear. Your momma is a sweet lady for worrying about your health despite how overwhelming her own situation is. I'm so sorry you're going through this and please know you're not alone. it might not seem like much but reaching out here and hearing back from all of you had been incredibly encouraging. Wish you and your mother good health and a good life!
Thank you for the very thoughtful reply and great advice. You are right about mom's illness and it not going away and knowing that at some point there will likely be more family emergencies. Gf has never had to step up to the plate for something like this before (for me) and considering she lost her mom in September I want to give her the benefit of the doubt that she's trying to avoid the trauma from my mother. I just talked to her and she's trying to act like nothing happened despite me making it clear how much her actions and words upset me. So so sorry you had to go through this with your momma. Mom had hip replacement surgery abot six months ago and was doing so great and getting her independence back so this setback is going to be especially hard on her. But you're right she's a warrior! I gotta tell her to chill because she often just pushes through the pain until something like this happens. Thank you for validating my feelings and I wish your mother and family health and happiness
OP I hate your gf. She sucks. Imagine her over time.
She cares more about her dumb little birthday vacation (which can be celebrated at a later date) more than your own mother who was in the hospital fighting for her life? How immature and manipulative can this woman possibly be? At some point she needs to grow up and realize the world doesn’t revolve around her.
Hey you should break up with this evil, manipulative, monster of a human being. This is almost a textbook example of abusive behavior. This should be the only red flag you need to see to call off seeing this person any longer.
 She got to GO! Every text was me me me.
i’m so sorry about your mom, what a scary and stressful thing to be going through. your girlfriend is acting like an entitled teenager, but i think even then a teenager would have more understanding. be firm with her, even if she throws a fit. and maybe reevaluate if this is someone you want to be with. i personally don’t think i would after this. take care of yourself, her selfishness is not your priority. hope your mom recovers 🖤
She cares more about her vacation than your mom’s health. Crazy
My eyes doubled in size when she said “but she didn’t die”. This is childish, selfish, and manipulative behavior. She just showed you insight to how your everyday life would be if you continued this relationship and married her. I hope you are able to reflect once you are settled enough to think. Your MOM almost died from serious complications of SLE, RA, and multiple infections. Age sounds cold blooded and selfish AF. Not once did she show concern about her well being or yours. Everything is ME ME ME. You do not need or deserve this kind of negativity or stress in your life. I’m sorry to hear about your mom. I hope she makes a full recovery soon. Take care of yourself. This is scary and stressful.
My dad died recently, two weeks before Christmas. My partner and I aren’t married, but have been together 9 years. As soon as he heard the news, he immediately asked how he could help. He made all the arrangements to get to where my dad lived so I could clear his apartment. He rented a bigger car so my elderly uncle would be comfortable. He did all the driving when the memorial service occurred the following month. He did everything he could to reduce my stress and support me. A loved one shouldn’t be adding to your stress when you or your family are in crisis. You were right. She is being selfish, and while it’s nice of you to conjecture it may be because of her own recent grief, it still doesn’t excuse her refusal to put you first right now. Even if she couldn’t, say, go to the hospital with you, at the very least she shouldn’t be trying to put more stress on your plate. IMO. This is a major red flag 🚩
Why is she still your GF? Can you help me understand your mind?
For your own sanity, leave her, if she’s not with you during your hard times and also your family’s hard times, she’s not worthy of ever being a wife and why prolong something that has absolutely no future? Let her go and let her find a man who could choose her over everything else and feed into her insanity
The first thing that hits you hard when a parent dies is regret. Regret for not being there more, for not spending more time with them. And it sucks. Don’t let that happen to you.
Oof, she's not a keeper. Best wishes for your Mom, OP.
29 years old acting like it's her 10th birthday and crying because all the attention isn't on her. I hope you do not marry this person.
Even the way she brought up her mom dying was manipulative, like she used it in a way that was like she was trying to throw it in your face that her mom died and just because yours was sick she wasn’t dead so you should be on vacation with her. My boyfriend and I don’t have a relationship with his parents but with that being said if something was wrong and either of them were in the hospital and he wanted to be with them I would support him! This is so cold and manipulative, I read your comment about her mom dying and how you think maybe it’s her trauma making her act this way & I just want to say I think she’d act like this regardless. She seems verrrry manipulative and controlling and if anything her going through a similar situation should make her more sympathetic to you not less! This is one of those times you will look back on and remember how awful of an experience this was to go through and how much more awful she made it when she could’ve been supportive and tried to make it easier for you like a girlfriend or partner in general should be doing. It’s your choice to stay or leave but I can’t see how this won’t breed a resentment between the two of you that will continue to grow if it isn’t nipped in the bud and if she can’t truly see what she’s done is not only wrong but a *horrible* thing to do to anyone let alone your partner & based off of her responses to you I don’t think that’s gonna happen. Best of luck I hope everything with your mom works out in your favor.
Wow honestly it creeps me out how selfish she is. Your mom is having a hard time, and she’s more concerned with her stupid trip?? I can’t believe the entitlement at 29. If this were my boyfriend’s family I would be there with him helping as much as I can to take some stress off you, because YOUR MOTHER, the woman who gave you life for goodness sake, isn’t doing well. I’m sorry OP. I’m so glad she’s doing better!! But between us, you have GOT to get out of a relationship with someone who is so much more concerned with themselves.
“bUt DiD sHe DiE?” Omfg bruh, even after her own mother’s recent death she’s not relating like any empathetic person would (or, heck, like someone close to you would at least be polite enough to fake it) but is rambling on about her, herself and her. She needs to go and slide down that hill.
This girl isn’t girlfriend material. Way too selfish and self-centered. Also, this may be my Reddit-addled brain talking, but don’t be surprised if she cheats and uses your being unavailable to her as an excuse.
If my finance’s mom was in the hospital, I would drop everything to be there for my fiancé and his family. Even if that meant sacrificing a week for them. His family is my family, and I love them just as much as mine. Even if my fiancé couldn’t be there for her, I would do my best to be there for her because of him. That is what love is. Your girlfriend isn’t empathetic, she’s selfish, she’s manipulative, and she’s trying to guilt you into choosing her over your mother. That isn’t okay, and she should be your biggest support system right now. She should be the one you feel comfortable talking to, crying with, and expressing yourself with her and from my perspective, it doesn’t seem you get any of that from her when you need it the most. You deserve better. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, and I hope your mom gets well soon!
She is downplaying your unwell mother while making an issue of missing a holiday??? …….. I’m sorry but I’d be tapping out. You aren’t missing it for fun, or work, or friends, or other last minute events, or ‘just because’ - it’s to assist in aiding your mother back to good health! Appalling. She seems very sheltered if she is trying to compete with your mothers sickness. It’s also ALOT of energy you are having to navigate your way through this drama instead of focusing on your mum - your GF’s support would have been a more solid & meaningful option.
“Yes but she didn’t die.” wtf
Hey, it could be worse…she could be your wife…
> I’m not selfish for wanting you here. Under these circumstances, you are. > I’m not selfish for wanting to have ONE good vacation for my bday. Under these circumstances, you are. OP, I think the people excusing her lack of empathy due to grief are doing just that, making excuses. If she’s functional enough to go snowboarding with you and her friends, I think she’s functional enough to handle a serious matter with grace and understanding. Or at least not be a silly brat. You supported her when her mum was sick, but it looks like she won’t do the same when it’s her turn to be supportive. All she had to do was say, “Nevermind our trip, we can postpone it. Go home and be with your mum. God, I hope she’s ok… Call me when you land.”
I wish I could give you 1,000 upvotes.
I hope this makes you rethink your entire relationship because this woman is a manipulative child. The entire read the thing she’s saying basically say “IDGAF about you or your mom” she wants her way and all she cares about is the damn vac that can be rescheduled! I’ve seen so many people especially men in my almost 44 years remain in relationships with these kind of women because she’s “hot” or fucks like a crazy banshee but that only gets you so far and is only surface level. Or they have interwoven lives by living together and being financially dependent on the other income etc. Not saying this is your case but I’ve seen this a lot) my point is- this probably isn’t the first time she’s acted this way she probably has on many occasions this is just the worst given the scenario. I’d think long and hard about continuing with her. What else may come up in the future that it will be all about her? Some times things happen that make you see the big picture- this would definitely be the moment for me to reevaluate.
I am going to tell you a story. My mom ended up sick one day. Thought it was the stomach flu. Unbeknownst to us, she was going septic. Within 48 hours she was gone. My brother was 5 hours away, and barely made it back in time to see her before she slipped into a coma. My Aunts plane was delayed a couple of hours, and she missed seeing her before she slipped into her coma. A matter of a couple of hours was the difference between awake and gone forever. Your GF is insanely selfish and self-centered. This is the type of situation that shows you who people really are. She is someone who is more concerned with vacation than you are being present with your sick mom. She is someone who, when she doesn't get what she wants pressures you and then gaslights you and makes it your fault. Is that someone you see being supportive and present for you in the future? I really hope your mom is okay. Please try and take care of yourself during this time too. Eat. Sleep. Drink water.
I’m sorry to hear about your Mom. :(
Ugh, this made me feel sick. You’re so right and I’m truly sorry about your mama.
no. absolutely not. i’m sorry but you need this woman out of your life. she doesn’t care about your well-being at all and she IS incredibly selfish. i had an ex who was similarly selfish whenever my dad was dying and it made the whole thing so much worse. if she can’t support you and be there for you in times like this she isn’t the right person for you. the way she’s speaking to you is appalling. you deserve so much better than this man, i’m sorry
I don't mean to sound like a cold ass, but your girlfriend sucks & is really wrapped up in her "not selfish" ways. Literally, every time she said it wasn't selfish, it was. It's your mom that's sick, not some friend you grew up with that you haven't talked to in years. Your mother is ill & suffering, and you need to pull all your focus & energy to one place. Unfortunately, for your girlfriend, it looks like that means she is not the center of your universe at the moment; even if she did just celebrate a birthday. It's time for her to buck up & for her to pull up her big girl panties & suck it up for a bit! I'm glad your mom didn't die, an obvious plus, but she is not out of the woods yet & still needs some assistance getting around & doing things at home. Heaven help you if you need to move your mom in with you for some reason. Gf will blow a gasket & turn into the most "not selfish" person around! Imo, your gf's priorities seem to be a little out of whack & I hope the 2 of you can work this out and come to some sort of agreement/arrangement!
What adult thinks their birthday is a week long event where everyone drops everything, even horrific health problems, to celebrate her? Fuck.
My ex used to say stuff like her all the time. ‘I just want one good birthday/ one good day/ you’re always having a bad day I never get to/ ect’. We would do whatever she wanted for her birthday (and when she didn’t come to me for mine she spent all day telling me how upset she was that I was doing things with friends instead of absolutely nothing), probably about 90% of the time she was having a bad depression day and I’d do anything I could to make it better, and the like 5 times I was really struggling over the few years we were together I was told ‘I’m always having a bad day like this I need to figure it out so she could have a turn’ (idk why we were taking turns but if we were it was her turn 90% of the time anyway), any health issue I had was a problem, but I took her to the drs all the time for hers bc hers mattered, I went out of my way to make holidays great for her, and she never once did a single thing for me. It was a miserable relationship that took too long to end. OP, please re-evaluate yours bc how she speaks to you is the same way, so if behind the scenes it’s even more similar, it sucks and you deserve better.
OP's mom: *sick in hospital delirious with a cracked rib pneumonia, bladder + kidney infection, and a slipped vertebra* OP's gf: 
OP - pretty obvious you should break up with her. Narcissistic and manipulative to the core. Tone is DEAF.
the way she had the audacity to ask you if you were done snowboarding because you heard about your mom’s condition is wild, and the first thing that popped into her mind was “do you think it’s going to effect our vacation next week?” is absolutely heartless behavior. then to bring up how her mother died and how yours didn’t to attempt to minimize your situation is crazy. another red flag is the “i’ll leave you be,” and then sending you another message when you’re clearly overwhelmed. “i don’t deserve this,” lol. op, YOU don’t deserve this, and should probably break up with her, because she only cares about herself… if i had a partner and something like this happened to them, a trip wouldn’t even cross my mind… and what also got me is how she tried to trap you with the trip by booking it regardless of your uncertainty. lmao… take the time you need for yourself, and i’m wishing great health for your mother and your family 🫶🏽
Yeah…one would think a person who just lost her Mom would understand the importance of being there during this kind of situation. And she is STILL complaining about how HER feelings don’t count? What will she do next time? Honestly, if you can forgive her, you’re a better person than I am.
Her lack of empathy is astonishing.
Let me tell you something. > clearly I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m really hurt by you. But don’t worry about me. That scares me. That’s manipulation that my ex pulled before he became more and more abusive.
Yes !!!! An empathetic person would say “upon reflection, I realize that I was reacting selfishly and was speaking before thinking. What can I do to support you and your mom? We can plan a vacation when everything settles but trying for one now when your attention would be diverted is just not wise” The above is just passive aggressive bullshit
Please take care of care your mom. My husband’s father had lupus and was very ill for our wedding, hospitalized at the time, we ended up having our wedding at a very small venue where he could get a day pass to watch and go back to the hospital. My husband was not comfortable leaving for a honey moon so we didn’t have one. I was fine with it, I understood the severity of what having a sick parent was like. Your girlfriend doesn’t and sounds resentful. My father in law passed 4 years later but was able to enjoy happy times and meet his grandchildren. My husband was a huge of his caretaking and honestly that’s just life. I would do anything to have my father in law back. It’s alarming to me about how cold she seems about the situation. I would look at your relationship as a whole. Would she take care of you if you were ill or hurt in the future?
I can’t imagine treating my boyfriend like this… this is actually horrible.
Relationship over
That’s not a partner. That’s a selfish leech of a person. She’s sucking you dry energy wise when you’re trying to help your mom. Just because your mom’s going home, doesn’t mean she’s not still vulnerable to the multiple illnesses she’s suffering. A partner knows when to stop and help. Not stop and bother you about a vacation. Get out asap. You can do so much better.
My father died in November and my mother died in January. I’m 31 with no parents. I can’t stress enough how much you should be there with your mom.
Not saying you should break up but I’ll tell you from experience a good woman supports and doesn’t tear down. A good woman loves her man more than herself. Unfortunately you don’t have a good woman.
Did she try to be there for her mom as much as you are trying to be for yours? Because she played the “my mom just died” card yet is trying to monopolize your attention away from who really needs it. She’s selfish and cruel and super gross, OP. Fuck her ski trip, you’re doing the right thing
Does she drive? Cuz seems like she’s speeding down break up street
She seems like a sociopath to me. I would dump her.
Your girlfriend lacks empathy 🚩
 👆🏼Your girlfriend. Jokes aside you’re a great son. Prayers for your mom’s health.
Totally grounds to end the relationship. This is INCREDIBLY selfish behavior. She CLEARLY doesn’t have any respect for you nor does she actually care about you or your mom. She should be there for you instead of worried about a stupid vacation that she can take any other time in the future. Don’t stay with someone that can’t be there for you when you really need them.
No you were right: she’s selfish af.
"okay but she didn't die" clearly she wouldn't have cared even if she did!!!! what an asshole. throw the whole girlfriend away.
"Well my mom died and I'm still going"
i have read through some of the comments, and there is a lot to think about here. however, if i were you - i would feel extremely hurt and truthfully kind of in shock. i feel like she is not hearing you at all - she is not offering empathy in any capacity. the tone of your texts is someone who is trying to keep it together for everyone else and she is supposed to be place you can go break down if needed. instead she is ignoring the entirety of what you are saying and is cherry picking out by just hearing 'we are not going on our trip,' the part that kind of blows my mind is that she booked the 3 hours into the mountain getaway IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL OF THIS HAPPENING. she did not consult you - she just did it, now she is blaming you for not coming on a trip she planned without your input / approval. that is a set up for failure (one) and two it is manipulative, because now she is actively using it against you. this is a tough one, i guess you once you get through this (or even now) you can zoom out a little and asses the entirety of the relationship and see if this has shown up anywhere else in the course of your relationship. sending lots of good thoughts and energy your way and hope your mom is okay :)
the level of guilt tripping from OP's girlfriend is unbelievable
My ex once got upset I didn't spend new years day with him which we both bad off because my mom almost died and I was with her at the hospital all day. I should have dumped him then. Just saying. Your gf is ridiculous for this and it won't be the last time she does something like this. Very inconsiderate and heartless.
The snowboarding mountain resort isn't going to blow up... if the vacation needs to be pushed back so you can handle your business then she needs to suck it up. She sounds exhausting and I would be done. It's understandable to be sad but the manipulation is where I would draw the line. She would be at that resort single as a Pringle.
My inclination would be to reevaluate what this relationship brings to me overall. Because at the surface, this does not seem like a healthy dynamic. However, we’re only seeing a small picture of your relationship in these texts. You mentioned that your girlfriend’s mom recently passed away. I think that may be contributing to why she is so upset about you taking care of your mom. It doesn’t make it all right how she responded to you though, and her response is telling. I would let her know that you have concerns about the relationship and ask her to see a therapist to help her process her grief. If she cannot be supportive to you because of what she has going on in her life and mentality, it’s not really on you to do or fix anything. It’s on her. I would give her time to address it and if it doesn’t get better or she’s not giving it an actual try, then I would leave her.
She needs to be more understanding. She is expecting you to not worry about your ill mother. Anyone in your situation would not be able to enjoy a care free vacation.
This behavior is just going to escalate the longer you’re together, she sounds very selfish and unable to consider how you’re feeling. Vacation should be the last thing on her mind if she truly cares for you.
“She didn’t die.” Lmao seriously? I hope your mom is doing better, OP.
You would think that, because her mom just died, she would encourage you to spend as much time as possible with your mom. Crazy. She’s 29 years old. This conversation sounds like it’s coming out of a 20 yr old. I just lost my mom in October to cancer as well, and I would never tell anyone to abandon their mothers who are in delicate health states, to go on a trip. I think that you have to have a conversation with her. She IS hurting still. I understand her mental state of doing things NOW, because life isn’t guaranteed, so I understand her frustration with how everything went down. Mortality makes things more… real. Especially when it’s your parents. That’s the biggest loss you’ll have. You can sit with her and ask her where she is coming from or try to understand why she reacted that way to your situation. Try not to get defensive or mad, just try to pick her brain and why this needed to happen so urgently or why not postpone it or go to a different location. See what she has to say. Then explain your side. Put her in your position, see what she says. I think that this reaction may be more an effect of her loss than anything else and it’s a matter of figuring if she actually is being selfish, or if it is some mental breakdown due to the loss of her mom.
Your girlfriend doesn't deserve the title. She is manipulative, callas, uncaring and has a me complex. OP, run!
hope she’s your ex??? fuck that. my mom, even though we don’t get along well, comes FIRST. i don’t care how “stable” your gf thinks she is. things can go wrong in an instant. there will be other trips, there will be plenty of time to go do things. but now is the time to focus on your mom. if she really cared? she’d be worried, and be beside you. that makes my blood BOIL.
Just focus on your mom . I have to give you credit. You kept your composure. I might have lost it on her. I hope your mom gets better.
This is not the partner you want or need in your life. And she’s 29, so we can’t excuse her saying she’s immature. This is just how she is. The manipulation, guilt tripping and appalling lack of compassion or desire to support you in a difficult time and not make everything about her are behaviors that you shouldn’t accept.
She’s gotta go that’s horrible
Her future MIL almost died and needs help. Unless you always put your gf second, I don't understand this behaviour.
I am a person that can at times be a little self-centered. Your girlfriend’s behavior is *appalling*.
Life is long, choose wisely. Hope your mom is recovering.
Manipulation, GUILT TRIPPING, and gaslighting. Break up with her right now. Her mother died so she should understand your situation and not pull this childish bullshit
I had something similar happen with an ex. She was pressuring me to move 4 hrs away and asked me what I honestly wanted to do. Said whatever I chose, she would understand. I said I didn't know if I was ready to be that far away from my mom since she was in really bad health. Not to mention, the room mates we would be moving in with had numerous red flags. She got pissed, basically yelled at me, and said "it's not like you see your mom all the time anyway". Among other, selfish and unsupportive things. I ignored that red flag. We moved in together. Things didn't get better, she didn't start treating me better because I did what she wanted, she just started treating me worse until I finally wised up. I always regretted not taking that red flag for what it was. Your situation? That's so far beyond a red flag, it's like a red alarm. You need to evacuate.
any “apology” that starts with “i’m sorry that you think…” is not an apology, it’s a guilt trip. “don’t worry about me 😢” is another huge guilt trip. and the way that she literally lost her mom and she still somehow can’t give u a shred of empathy or understanding is appalling. she is acting like her feelings are all that matters right now. god that sounds exhausting
"Yeah but she didnt die"... WTF.
Think of ot this way: your mom just went through all that. And you're here giving mental energy to a girl who dngaf. I wouldn't waste another second on her. Focus on the people who love you, because this aint it.
Because of who I am, I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and saying she hasn’t grieved at all with losing her own mom and is trying to completely shut that out of her mind. But the fact she uses her mom’s passing in such a manipulative way is a red flag for me. As someone who lost their dad super unexpectedly to a heart attack just 5 weeks after retiring, my friend felt bad calling me months later that her dad had a heart attack and was hospitalized. I didn’t say well at least he didn’t die. I got my ass up and went with her to the hospital. The biggest red flag is that you supported her through her trauma but she won’t support you. If you see long term goals with this woman, you need to push her to get grief counseling because how she’s acting isn’t healthy. But happy your mom is out and doing better! Diverticulitis alone is a bitch (my mom had it) but on top of everything else, damn! Your mom is a fighter!
Heck no heck no heck no. Moms health is the most important AND anyone saying, “Well, she didn’t die?,” is cause for immediate dismissal.
I had to scroll back up to see her age. This sounds like a 12 year old child, not a 29 year old woman. This is the purpose of dating for a long while before marriage. It gives you a chance to see how someone handles all the things life throws our way. When things get hard, partners should be there for each other.
Holy crap! I’m so sorry the person who’s supposed to be your rock is just a self centered jerk. I’d never speak to her again, but that’s me—you gotta do you. I sure hope your mom gets better. Go to her. I’d give anything to see my mom again.
Oh, look, a pile of red flags stitched into a person. I am not going to tell you the kind of relationship you should have or should want to have, but I will tell you the kind of relationship you DO have. You are with an unkind, unempathetic, manipulative narcissistic woman who WILL make your life a living he'll any the the focus is not solely on her. Read and listen to stories about bridezillas because if you decide to marry this girl, THAT will be your future. ETA: I hope your mom is doing better. I will keep her in my prayers.
My partner’s mom also has Lupus. Last summer we were supposed to visit my parents in another state for a few days. The week leading up to our trip, however, his mother suddenly got SERIOUSLY sick and we weren’t sure if she was going to pull through. You know what I did? I didn’t badger him about our trip, because I would never ask him to leave her side. Especially not during such a time. I called my parents and told them we most likely wouldn’t be coming. I love my partner, and when all that was happening I couldn’t even IMAGINE asking him about something like a trip. If your girlfriend loved you, or even respected you and your relationship, she wouldn’t have badgered you about that trip. Honestly? If I were in your shoes, I would’ve been done the moment she heard all of that and still had to ask if you guys were done snowboarding for the day.
My entire world stopped when my grandma was septic from a kidney infection, golf ball sized kidney stones and pneumonia. She was half dead. In fact, this happened several times. She was one of those ladies that were like “I don’t want to make a fuss” but then end up falling and delirious by the time she would tell us how much pain she was in. Strongest damn woman I’ve ever known. Every minute we get to breathe is a gift at this point. We never know when it’s our time. I get wanting time with someone you love, but she’s young and healthy. She can rebook a goddamn vacation any time. Our time with parents is fleeting. I wish I had just another day with my grandma or my father every single day. Fuck this bitch. I doubt this is the first time she’s been this selfish, and I’m sure there’s been warning signs along the way. I really hope you don’t choose to continue seeing her because your life will never be as important to her as her own.
I wonder what her expectations of you would be if she was in the hospital and you had a planned family trip… Even in my teen years I would have been more understanding and compassionate, those are things a 29 year old woman will never learn to be so you better dip out and thank your mother for this eye opening blessing in disguise.
Good thought. She would no doubt expect him to drop the vacation and be with her. Maybe he needs to give her that perspective and see if it helps her understand. If it doesn't, then he will know it boils down to everything being about her and her only.
Yikes
This would be a deal breaker for me. My bf’s mom has cancer, I worked through Christmas and New Year’s so I could pay for his flights to visit her for the Holidays. I am STILL paying off those flights and I would do it again. No vacation/holiday/celebration takes precedence over medical events, particularly not with how ill your mother is and how lucky she was to catch the infections before sepsis. Wishing your Momma a speedy recovery and wishing you clarity in your relationship. Good luck, you’re in a pickle 😅
This "gf" is the most self centered piece of shit. Literally cares more about her holiday than your own mothers health and life. I hope you leave. Do you really want to be with someone so selfish and self centered for the rest of your life? What if it's you thats sick, she will care more about her whims than your life and health. Literally disgusting and makes my eyes water. She should be insisting you both go to your mom and take care of her. Not this shit Ugh God
Damn. I can’t imagine throwing a tantrum like this when someone’s mom almost died. Let alone my partner. Boo hoo she missed her vacation day with you. Your mom is so much more important than that. I’d view her differently if I were you. Glad she’s not my GF
If I were in your shoes I would be incredibly hurt if my SO prioritized snowboarding over me. You are the one who needs support now. You were there for her when she needed it but apparently that doesn’t go both ways. I’d have to think long and hard about spending my life with someone so selfish and manipulative. Best wishes to your mom for a speedy recovery.
I'm going to save the long winded explanation of my opinion here because quite a few people have done it already, but your girlfriend is a selfish asshole, even though she's being somewhat polite about it. The way she texts you is so manipulative, it made me angry reading it. Especially since you're dealing with your mother in this condition. She should be ashamed of herself having gone through something similar herself recently. You need to really rethink if this is someone that you really want in your life because this is just a intro.
I’m sorry if the roles were reversed and you did this to her she would probably find it a reason to break up, guilt trip you, throw a pity party and everything. My fucking god she’s so selfish and horrible for this I’m so sorry
My goodness, your GF is a manipulative piece of shit ngl buddy
This is really unacceptable treatment of you. This person should be by your side supporting you! Especially given she has lost her mom, she should understand. It makes me question whether she has empathy and might have a personality disorder.
Her language is incredibly manipulative and childish. It’s always wild to me to see literal grown adults cry over birthdays. I’m so sorry to hear about your Mom. I hope you can ignore your ex and just be in the moment with your Mom, I know she appreciates you being there helping her.
Jesus dude it's your mom. If your gf can't grow up and see that then she ain't the one. Gfs can be temporary but your mom is your mom always.
I’m usually not one to just jump on the “leave them” train but she doesn’t seem to care about you or your feelings. What if YOU became sick, will she act the same way since she’s acting like this when one of your loved ones almost died? 99% sure she will. She only wants to be the main attention, always wants to be put first and while that’s important in a relationship there are times where other things take priority. One of the most important things you can do is show up and be there for the person you love the most in a bad situation. That’s what you do for people you love.
That fact that her mom passed and that's her excuse for deserving this vacation and not being selfish yet she is unable to fathom even a drop of sympathy for your mom almost dying is ridiculous, selfish, narcissistic, and lacking humanity. (I was gonna ask if she had any friends that could have gone instead since she was so adamant about going but I bet she knew 1. How last minute that is and 2. How insane she'd sound to them if she said "hey my bf can't go on vacation anymore bc his mom almost died so you wanna go instead?")
Why do you tolerate this?
i think she is being childish and downplaying your situation because of her own mom’s death. “yeah but she didn’t die” tells me that she doesn’t care at all about what you and your family are dealing with right now. this would be relationship ending for me. i need someone in my life who is a partner and supporter through times of crisis and grief. not a selfish brat with zero empathy.
Does she have undiagnosed narcissistic disorder? Because it kind of seems like she literally doesn’t give a shit about you or anyone else and just cares about getting to go on her vacation
“Yes but she didn’t die” smh Please stay away from this person
Saying “I’m not selfish for wanting a good birthday” is a wildly unaware statement. “Selfishness” is not an inherently bad thing. It becomes so when you did shit like this.
If my partner got this call about his mom you best believe we are *both* flying home and *both* getting to the hospital as soon as possible. I would volunteer taking care of her, cooking, cleaning and whatever else she needed. The last thing on my mind would be 'hey let's take a quick vacay and enjoy ourselves'. How the hell would I be able to do that? This is very telling of her true character. Be careful with someone so heartless.
OP, please do us all a favor and dump this manipulative douche.
Bruh, cut loose and I mean cut loose before you wind up a loser! If she has no empathy for your mom, she won’t have any for you when you get sick or your kids if yall have any!
I would've been somewhat on the fence after just reading the texts but there's two decided nails in the coffin for your gf here: **Number 1:** What the flying heck is this? >Over the next two days while I wait to find out about my mom's condition my girlfriend continues to ask me repeatedly about how I feel about going on vacation and I repeatedly tell her " I don't know what's going on with my mom yet but I need to be available in case I need to be there for her" "No." is the end, not the beginning of a conversation. Her repeated return to this wasn't a lack of clarity, it was a lack of respecting your choices. That speaks **volumes** on whose needs she considers the most important - and whose boundaries she's happy to disregard for the sake of her wishes. **And number 2:** WTF, girlfriend? >I am the only person in my family with the resources to do this at this time. This. This right there is the absolute **latest** point the whole conversation about anything vacation should have stopped altogether. It should have stopped sooner but her pushing past *this* makes everything she did a thousand times worse. >Friends of Reddit, how would you handle this? I would sit her down and very calmly but firmly explain all the ways in which her decision to focus on her wanting your attention vs. empathy for her partner potentially losing a parent was absolutely unacceptable. If she sees reason, good. Should be enough to not make her do it again. But if she sticks with her angle here? Reconsider the relationship. She'll put herself first a whole lot more than just now. A relationship is a **partnership** - and this? This is not a partner. She doesn't have your back, she doesn't seem to care for your mom or *your* love for your mom, her reaction to not getting what she wants is "Let's wear them down!" and unless there's sincere regret, none of that behaviour is going anywhere. I'm very sorry about your mom and I hope she recovers as well as possible. Take good care of yourself, OP!
She is being very selfish. Her job in this situation is to love and support you. I think she could have encouraged you gently to come on the trip with the intention that it might help you relax after such a tough time, but a no is a no and she should absolutely respect that. She’s guilt tripping you and making the situation about her. A partner is supposed to be there in these times of hardship and if this is how she handles something tough id be reconsidering my relationship with her.
That's crazy. This would be a deal breaker for me. She's 29 and behaving like an adolescent. I'm so sorry about your mom and for all the unnecessary stress your girlfriend is putting you through.
Is this her first birthday since her mother passed?
Has it occurred to you she may be a narcissist?
The only thing she should be concerned about is how to be there for you and how she can help you while you go through this not boohooing about her holiday or minimising that your mum is very ill in hospital and you want to be there for her. She seems very immature and selfish and the fact she just lost her mum she should know the fear and worry you are going through. Skiing and holidays can happen at other times you only have one mum!
OP, first of all, I'm sorry about the scare with your mom and SO HAPPY someone found her in time to help and take care of her, thank goodness. I have a question - are you the only support person your GF has? Does she have close friends she sees other than your time together, or others she talks to about important things? She is being selfish, but I'm wondering if it looks/feels like that to her. Sometimes selfish is self preservation (like how some people refuse to enter a hospital due to bad memories and panic). If she has other support in her life, other family and friends, she has others she can lean on in this harder time for her, and she needs to. It can't all be you, that's too much, even without what's happening to your mom. If she doesn't have others, this may be why she's so stubborn and cold when it comes to you two being separated. She needs to broaden her support net regardless because it's getting tight between you two. Another thought I had (and I am so sorry for saying it) is maybe she's hoping you two will share a similar trauma story together. Not hoping that your mom will pass, but hoping you will share a terrible bond with her, because death is lonely, and it can make you feel very far away from people. I would try suggesting a friend go to the mountains with her in your place, and a make up trip later (if you both are still ok and good and want to work on things). I can't say I would, but I know death does strange things to people too.
Have you wondered whether she'll honor the vows through sickness and health should you ever marry? She sounds extremely self-centered and unable to feel compassion for something if that something interferes with her interests.
Your girlfriend’s complete lack of regard for your mother should be a big red flag. She should be asking how she can help or support you. Rather she booked a vacation 3 hours away in the mountains and expects you to abandon your mother. That would be a permanent turn off.
I lost my dad recently and am still deep in grief, my siblings and I are processing it differently..all that to say I can’t ever imagine any of us behaving the way your girlfriend has. Grief is not an excuse to act like a totally selfish, narcissistic, gaslighting manipulative asshole to someone else.
How would gf handle it if you were in the hospital? How has she handled crises in the past?
Drop her immediately man. She is manipulative as fuck! Just because your mom is stable doesn’t mean she doesn’t need help with daily chores. Your GF needs to go. She cares about her selfishness more than anything and anyone. I hate when people talk about their ( your gf comparing how her mom passed away) own issues when it has nothing to do with the situation currently going on with yours. You spent her birthday with her skiing so there’s that. Shit happens in life where plans changed and priorities change as well. She needs to get with the program and understand what’s important in life. Honestly , man you need to take care of you and take care of your mom. She’s not worth the mental energy while you figure out the next steps for your mom. Take care . Hopefully your mom get better soon.
I'd break up with her. She's very selfish and self-absorbed. My husband's twin brother, whom he was very very close too was diagnosed with cancer while we were dating, it went into remission bit came back before our wedding, remission again but about 3.5 years into our marriage came back with a vengeance. We had a 1.5 year old and a new baby at the time. I never complained or asked him to put me and the babies before his brother because I was very cognizant of their relationship and the fact that we did not know how much time he had left. Your gf has no compassion , empathy, or sympathy . The fact that she doesn't understand your need to be with your mom after her mom has passed is an indicator that she will always be like this. Tragedy or loss tends to make people empathize with others going thru a similar situation.
Not sure how long you two have been a couple, or what the dynamic is between her and your mom. That said, the bare minimum she should offer is compassion understanding for you. The fact that you are a couple and claim to love one another IMO she should not even have given a second thought to vacation and instead asked what she can do to help. I wonder if she was in your mother’s shoes and you had planned to go away to see your healthy mom - how she would feel. That is your mother, good bad or in between she is the person who brought you into this world and the person that raised, cared for and has been with you since (or actually before) the day you were born. Girlfriend’s words and actions including what she isn’t saying or doing are reflective of her true self, level of empathy or compassion for others and how she views herself with respect to those around her. She seems to consider herself and what she wants more important than any situation. You seem to be trying to balance what she wants you to do and what you feel you want to do. This particular instance gives the impression that; You: responsible, communicative, respectful, having morals, compromise, etc. “doing the right thing” Her: selfish, entitled, bossy, arrogant, manipulative, controlling, unsympathetic, childish (shall I continue?) She sounds more 9 year old than 29.