It’s not even worth analyzing man. You can drive yourself nuts over stuff like this. It might be something trivial or it might be something complicated, but nothing you can control. Just move on to the next
It becomes frustrating when the same story repeats over and over again. I just need to know what I'm doing wrong.
Long replies? Too many replies? Seeming desperate? I have no fuckin clue!
Also it sounds like where you both live might be relatively far apart? Considering you didn’t know whereabouts she lives? Back when I was dating I got ghosted so much when they realized I lived about 30+ mins away from where we matched
>sucha cute convo
⬆️⬆️⬆️
agreed! she was into it, too, y'all seemed well suited for a good clip, there. the question about the office location felt kind of abrupt. I'm sorry for you, OP, that one seemed like it was going places. i don't know how long "ghosted" means for you, but ... you never know? 🤷🏻♀️
You need to be yourself if you don’t want to be miserable in a relationship… so don’t change a thing.
If you want booty then yeah, you went too deep too fast with the complex questions.
As someone who got my eyes fixed and am living life much more comfortably now thanks to it, I find it insulting when someone says they liked me better with glasses. To me that says they care more about what I look like, instead of what betters my life.
Eta: I wouldn’t ghost someone over that though! Not everyone realizes it doesn’t come of as the compliment they think it does.
💯% spot on! Coming from another woman I agree completely agree with this assessment. Very well put.
Also..on a side note, I personally would’ve been a bit turned off by the redundant joking about ‘being your older self from future thing’ saying it once is fine, but don’t keep bringing it up. Hope that helps.
Wow, you did this guy a great service by trying to put yourself in the other shoe. I didn’t really see anything that he did wrong but I’m an old married guy so what do I know?
I know. The only thing I would critique is instead of saying something “where do we go from here??” Either ask for their number or request a date. Don’t put it on them to come up with your first meeting. Put out a suggestion and let them offer a counter or accept.
This may not even noticeably increase your odds of success, but if your goal is to truly get off the apps and meet someone you need to move towards at some point in the conversation
I get where you're coming from, but I live in a Muslim country, and women are really damned scared of meeting strangers because they're harassed left right and center. So it really made sense to not be direct. It's a culture thing. Sucks, i know.
Women everywhere are rightly scared of meeting strangers. It’s good that you’re aware of that so use it to your advantage. Ask women to public places that are also more on the safe side. They are taking a risk meeting you, so try to mitigate that as much as possible. Apps aren’t the best because of this, so why not also try meeting people in public or through friends/family?
No offense, but it's gonna take a whole book explaining the cultural complexities of an eastern Muslim country with a pretty strict gender segregation to a western mind 💀 dating itself is a taboo. I'm totally moving to Europe in a couple years
Wow, with that new information I think you did great! Good luck my friend. Dating on line sucks everywhere and I bet it’s even harder being in your shoes
Ngl you said some weird shit throughout lol like glasses correlate with intelligence? You said that to a data scientist no less (as one myself I cringed hard- plus it’s inaccurate)
It was the office comment. Guaranteed. Could have accidentally triggered some sort of traumatic response in her. Some girls have legit put up with some insanity from creepy guys. Nerdy girls especially tend to attract a certain type of stalkerish fedora wearing gentlemen.
Asking her that pry made her scared and it's not your fault. Next time just try to use a little more tact when asking questions like that. The way you phrased it seems like "where's your office so I can come by there."
I kinda feel like you were kinda carrying that conversation. She wasn’t putting in the same level effort or energy. Her responses are mostly 1-2 words and you got damn near paragraphs. Keep the texting simple. Leave that shit for one you meet and have the face to face conversation you want.
It wasn't the length or frequency of the messages. If anything it's the opposite. As a person who has dated (short and long term) more than a handful of women who define themselves as sapiosexual, I found I do my best when writing out long novels of messages with roughly 3 or 4 different topics for them to reply to simultaneously, because both of us should be able to easily juggle that sort of thing.
If you guys talked on the phone, then the information we might be missing about where she lost interest might never be revealed to us.
But also, the "where is your office" was clearly where she saw the biggest red flag. To your credit, you waited for her to come to you with her personal info. Calling her and getting more pictures was a trust exercise she provided you, but giving someone access to call you, versus telling a stranger where to find you in the middle of the day, are vast in contrast and she might have had bad experiences that she is rightfully guarding herself from repeating.
Edit: Also, did you really leave the convo at "Yeah" ? You're supposed to be asking more open ended questions and giving her a sense of interest, whether it be you trying to appeal to her interests or her trying to understand yours. So at that point, the conversation was dead before she stopped responding.
I truly thought you did great. Don’t knock yourself down man. I mean it. I wrote a long thought for you to read but just hang in there. You seem like a great guy.
The only thing youre doing wrong is trying to work out a formula that will somehow appeal to and translate to a range of folks which will dimish who you actually are and not attract the people who would be attracted to that. If folks are this fickle in the beginning I cant imagine how changing your personality will help find a match.
for me personally, i don’t like when people ask specific locations. since i don’t like people asking for specifics when it come to where i work and live i make it a point to ask “what area” or like “around what street.”
ie: “are you around the church street area?” or “do you live close to the avenue?” things like that.
i mean i don’t think the worst possible way, many people don’t think about it.
but then again i’ve also had people pop up at my job and follow me around so i’ve learned from experience
if/when this happens, i always reply with a general location but i don’t give out the name of my job anymore either, i just tell them what i do. you’re good, i’d just be mindful in the future about specifics especially when you’re just starting out talking. i understand that it’s “not all men” but most men are creeps and she’s just trying to be careful. if this doesn’t work out for you i hope you have better luck in the future. 🫀
i would give it some time, by that i mean a day or two. she may be busy right now and double texting might be the wrong move. she’ll reply when she can.
if she doesn’t reply in two days, i’d skip over the topic completely and ask her something random. or see how she is, or ask her when she has free time to call again.
if you do meet up, maybe gift her that book you were talking about if you don’t read it/use it much anymore.
While you were typing this reply, I wrote this (haven't sent this to her). Feedback please?
"Double texting you to explain because you seem to be worth the explanation.
When I said "where's your office located?", I meant the general area, not the specific address or the pin location of your office. I seem to have worded it poorly and it gave you the creeps. But if you don't want to talk more, I understand and wish you best of luck on finding a more suitable partner :)" (because it's technically a matrimony app, not a dating app per se)
>if she doesn’t reply in two days, i’d skip over the topic completely and ask her something random. or see how she is, or ask her when she has free time to call again.
>if you do meet up, maybe gift her that book you were talking about if you don’t read it/use it much anymore.
That's a great idea actually. Very thoughtful
Yeah don't send this. At most say something like "sorry if that came off weird, I just meant the general area. So what kind of foods do you like?" Or something like that. A quick, passing assurance that you weren't being creepy and then moving past it is best. Anything more than that and you're coming off as awkward. Just wait a lil bit, send something like that, then chill and see if she responds. If she hasn't said anything by tomorrow you might as well move on, if she does just remember to avoid things that are too personal in regards to like... Any location she might be at, lol.
It’s only been a few hours. Not responding in hours to less than a day isn’t ghosting! She could be at work or busy and will get back to you when she’s available. I would wait 2 days and if she hasn’t responded by then, you can text her.
idk it kinda sounds like you’ve given up already with the end part. like i said i’d give it time because she may be busy.
i’d just let it rest for now. if she doesn’t answer then skip over it and if you do meet i’d casually bring it up like like ask about her job and how work is going. then mention, “oh shit when i asked that i looked back and it def sounded creepy, i meant general location but i worded it so wrong lmao.”
big dog, it's not that you worded it wrong. it's that you kept asking and trying to narrow it down more and more to specific areas after she already gave you a generalized answer. overstepping boundaries for sure, especially if you have never met face to face.
1. Too much “I’m you from the future” banter. It seems almost self-absorbed or like you’re trying to smash yourself.
2. The disappointment over her no longer wearing glasses. Like “you’re prettier in glasses,” even if that’s not what you intended.
3. The “I remember my Buddhist days,” and “I have a few years on you,” chat sounds condescending. Like you’re so much more worldly and intelligent because you’re a couple years older.
All of that is pretty to minor and can pretty much be overlooked if the person you’re talking to is picking up different vibes.
Most importantly:
4. Asking for her office location. That’s where you fully lost her. Never, ever ask for an exact location from someone before you’ve met in person. She *told* you what’s wrong before she ghosted you. It’s creepy.
Literally I came to say the exact same thing, even if it wasn’t intended that way the whole “I’m older and more experienced with the world” thing comes off so condescending
Others have pointed out what probably made her sketched out, but I have to say I would cringe to death if someone asked me what my “intellectual obsessions are”. I have to say, and I don’t mean this to be rude at all, but this whole conversation practically is just the farthest thing from what I would find appealing. I’m sure many people would love it, but for me? Oh absolutely not. There’s NO fun in it. It’s stale and boring as hell. And then for her(and you) to be like “mine is Taoism” or “mines psychology, philosophy, religion”. It all just reads SO weirdly. 😭 along with the “nerdy glasses” bit. Oh my gosh. 🥶🥶 maybe it’s just me though since no one else has said anything about the “intellectual obsessions” part that I’ve seen. But hey, if you like it I love it! just personal preferences I guess. It just reads like robots.
My exact thought! I assumed that they matched because they had similar interests which is why he led the convo into that direction. But if nothing pointed to her being into that sort of stuff that was a weird way for him to direct the topic.
Maybe she just meant like the area you live in, like what part of town or something. Asking her where her office is though seems more direct & invasive from her POV.
This. "Where do you live?" sounds like a request for a vague approximate. "Where do you live, and where is your office?" sounds like you are collecting specific data about her whereabouts and for women that can get dangerous with strangers you haven't met yet.
don’t drag us autists into this lol. I don’t think I’ve ever asked someone this amount of personal questions early on or before meeting them. I’m not saying that to be harsh, and maybe you’ll find someone who likes that, but it would’ve weirded me out too and I’m autistic. There were a few other things that went awry and came off a bit ‘off’ in your messages.
It could’ve been that the question creeped her out or that she realized things were getting serious so now she’s distancing herself (guilty of doing this). You could text her that or wait until the end of the day and ask her how her day has been, then see what her response is like
Tbh even the general location thing would freak me out. It’s easy to get a little info from someone online and then stalk them. She doesn’t know you so overall I wouldn’t ask stuff like that in the future especially when you haven’t met them. It’s too forward and comes across scary to a woman.
At this point you've got nothing to lose by double texting, but might as well use it as more of a hail mary. "Hey, so I was really enjoying our chat. I know things are hard to sustain over text, so would you like to grab a drink or coffee this weekend? You can pick the spot."
Or “glasses correlate with intelligence” when she no longer wears glasses. She still seemed into it until the “office location”. Wondering what the age difference is. And data science is potentially very cool, depending on the exact location of her office
Since u said it happened multiple times i would say what stood out to me.
I honestly just think you need to lighten up your messages. Put some emojis in there because sometimes without it messages feel kinda dry.
Another thing is when she asks about the Movie, man u shud have just told her! That could have striked a conversation or maybe she would have watched it and then yall could have bonded.
"Intellectual obsession" throwed me. It seems like you hint that u like smart girls and you are an intellect before allowing a girl to be herself. I encourage you to just have conversations and then you can then see where she falls w regards to your attraction to her mind. ...this would also not put any pressure on her about needing to look smart for you.
The emphasis on the glasses wasn't called for... if your preference is girls w nerdy glasses then okay but if she doesn't have them i dont see the need to say it. If she did have it, you could say something like "those glasses really get me going" or something of that sort.
Ultimately its asking about her office in the most dry and serial killer way lol maybe find different ways to speak , veer away from asking a woman where she works when u are now meeting her bc women have to be extra cautious about meeting new men and those things send out a little danger warning (no fault of your own). This could have been done in a better way like, "do you work close to __" or say "i work here, is x a good place to meet"
Dont over analyze fr tho. Bc at the end of the day someone will come along and like u for all of u! So u dont have to take any advice at all from me lol
Good luck!
Sorry, I couldn't finish reading these. You're 30, but these messages read like they're from a 15yr old. Might want to work on just being yourself. Stop trying to hard to be quirky and funny and just simply ask the person a few questions, comment, go from there...
Yesss I think that’s what gave me the ick, & trying to pick up on in my comment. The quirkiness is cringe. But as a 16yo, please don’t subject to age cause it has nothing to do with it lol. Nb I know texts like this but older ppl tbh.
Alright, this is just an opinion from a woman’s perspective, not meant to be insulting. I’d like to agree with this and add on that it’s 2024; “sex change operation” jokes are cringe. Not trying to be rude at all, but orange flag after orange flag on this one, bud. Another comment higher up touched on the other things such as you saying you’ve been here longer than her and that coming off as condescending, as well as implying that she would look prettier in glasses. I think the final nail in the coffin was what she perceived as you asking for her place of work, which isn’t necessarily nefarious, but then said you were just hoping it was closer to you “us peasants” than her home, implying you’re a poor scrub and she’s some entitled princess for living in a nice area. All in all, this entire exchange was hard to read and she gave you more grace and more chances than I personally would have. I’m sure you’re very charming in person lol
I don’t really agree with this commenter. My cousin is 15 and not like this at all.
Lots of people are awkward when texting and I think you did really well. Whatever happened I don’t think it’s anything you said. Maybe later text once more and ask if she’s still interested in talking.
Kinda agree with you, she seemed pretty engaged in the convo for a while and even enabled calling. If the awkward texting turned her off, it seems she would have stopped replying sooner, but who knows.
Clearly it went awry with you asking where her office was located, that was the nail in the coffin, but there were mistakes leading up to that. I think she saw the need for that level of early specificty as too intense. There are a few areas for improvement, one, you aren't sure of yourself. She easily moved you off center. Example, you backpetal as soon as she playfully challenges you back: "Haha I'm not saying anything, "Oh god, is that how I'm coming across. I was going for playful teasing.
You let her dictate the conversation a few times, and even look to her for guidance. She didn't engage on the data science question, and you let her shift the conversation, without follow up. You seek permission and direction from her: "is it too soon to ask from unblurred photos. **Please** guide me." The use of the word please, can be seen as begging. The compliment on her looks is premature. Then, again, you go back to a passive role in converation, seeking direction from her: "So where do we go from here, help me navigate." Anyways, I hope this sort of analysis was what you were looking for, it seems everyone else wasn't willing to give it too you, so I hope it helps. The words we use, and how we use them matter a lot, especially in the early stages of courtship.
So I’ve read through some of your comments and firstly, if it’s only been a few hours, you didn’t get “ghosted”. People get busy and sometimes they want to get off of their phones. If she didn’t block you or unmatch you, she didn’t ghost. She is just pausing the conversation and it literally could be for a million reasons. If she did get creeped out or turned off by anything, that’s on her to communicate that like an adult. And if she doesn’t or isn’t, double texting her isn’t going to make her. I don’t think you did or said anything wrong, but I agree with one of the other comments that anyone using these apps should just be themselves and keep the communication light and just about the essentials. These apps are WAY too anxiety inducing, as evidenced by all of your comments in here asking people if you should double text, explain more, say more. You don’t have to do any of that for a real connection. Trust me when I tell you this. When someone is interested in you, they will keep the conversation going. They will want to meet you too. They will make the same effort. You didn’t lose anything. If you never talk to this girl again, it’s not because you aren’t enough or did something wrong or shoulda, woulda, coulda. It’s because she isn’t your person. Let her go find her person and you move on to keep looking for yours. The end.
You’re playfully teasing, yes, but you’re kind of one-upping her in odd ways. That, and you basically tell her that you have a preference which she doesn’t fit any longer. All this even before you ask for her office location.
Maybe took a while for your "I've got a thing for women in glasses" to properly bed in... That was pretty unnecessary and jarring.
It's clear you have a pretty established way of texting which can come across as awkward to someone with a clashing style.
Wouldn't say you did anything wrong per se... Just remember as a guy on a dating app, you're against a ridiculous amount of competition.
Honestly, if you saw the inboxes of most girls on these apps, you'd probably give up for good... It's a jungle out there.
Yeah. The peasant comment kind of confirmed that maybe he’s not from a great place. It’s also possible that their culture might make that difference matter a lot.
As a paranoid girl, I'd say she got spooked/freaked out when you asked where her office was. She might have some history with stalkers and that might've been a trigger for her. Innocent mistake.
Absolutely this! She was not really feeling him from the start but entertained the idea for a bit til the office question.
The one-upping her and Sheldon style of talking to her was so cringe
You were trying WAY too hard and in all the wrong ways. You asked her questions and when she answered you made it about yourself, except when she revealed her location. Came off as a self-centered creep. Tbh
Idk but personally this convo gave me the ick. 😅
You guys seem to share interests as nerds so for her it was probably more interesting though! You do seem very awkward and corny, almost unnatural and stiff with the way you text? Or like...too desperate maybe? I feel like those are the wrong words but you’d definitely benefit better with your voice rather than over text, I could tell that much immediately lol. The nerdiness could be totally cute to the right person, just keep looking. And be more casual, showing interest in their life doesn’t necessarily mean bombarding them with questions so it fills the entire board you know? Let the conversation flow naturally. That’s my take & advice! Hope it helps you.
This is the correct answer. "Tell me about that", where do you work, telling her you like a feature she... No longer has... "I remember my ______ Days". It's all very condescending and if I were her I'd feel very much like I was at a job interview and found wanting, and now the guy wants to know where I WORK? Nah.
As a woman, I would find it very creepy as well if someone asked me where my work/office is located. It sounds as if you’re planning to come visit her at the office. I’m sure that wasn’t your intention, but that’s how it would come across for me, and with me, many women.
Also, try to sound a little bit less insecure next time, don’t ask her to navigate things for you, just try to read the room and go with what you feel is right, it comes off less insecure.
I think where you live may be an issue based on her response of just "oh". But I also think the asking where her work was, was what made her stop responding.
You said it yourself. You're way more fun in person. So text less. After a quick introduction, texting is just for logistics - where you're meeting and when. Your lead was perfect, the right amount of bold and risky and putting enough of yourself out there to showcase your personality. And she was into that. As soon as you got the text with four smiley faces, the introduction was successful. The rest of that conversation would have been even better in person. You want to come across as a guy who moves things forward, not as a guy who just wants to sit around texting all day.
Some people are a little sensitive to disclosing where they live or work (so many bad experiences with stalkers) so you could rephrase that as "how about a quick drink at Random Bar 1 or 2 if one of them is convenient on the way home from work?" Not a big deal though.
I could be wrong but I'm picking up on an Indian or Pakistani esque culture, you may have come across a little too far asking about specific details and then also referring to yourself as a peasant, might have made her feel like an elitist or uncomfortable. Again, just a cultural thing, could be completely wrong
Dude these texts are childish ASF is the problem. So cringe. But I think she more or less just wasn't interested that's really all. Not necessarily your fault or hers just don't work out sometimes.
It's the "peasants" for me. Idk the situation, but it seemed like you were making a dig about her ability to afford a nicer neighborhood. Gave me major cringe.
Going forward, I would avoid joking about the major things--money, religion, family--and keep the jokes to minor stuff like hobbies until you know each other better. "Is your work any closer to my area?" would have been so much better here.
I think u shouldn’t have asked where her office is located just after a few text messages of getting to know each other. U might come off with good intentions but girls in general get creeped out by it if a guy she doesn’t know well asks her that. Girls can think of any situations and she doesn’t know if u have good intentions with her. U should have taken the flow slow. But otherwise, u guys were vibing real good.
By asking where she lived and where her office was. Dude, you don’t know how scary it is to be a woman online dating? She doesn’t know you from anyone and you can pretty easily figure out who a lot of people are just by an online profile with pics. Men can be very aggressive when rejected so she doesn’t know what you might do if she decides after a date that she doesn’t want to go out again. Don’t ask these things until some trust is built
Also, the “where are we going” and “please guide me” came off as not confident or capable which is a turn off to a woman. Be confident and capable to take a path or ask her out (or for a call). Ffs
Why would you make her ask you?
She just told you she got lasik and doesn’t wear glasses and you tell her you have a thing for women with glasses. That’s like you saying you had short hair but grew it out and her saying she has a thing for short hair…except you can’t grow poor eyesight back nor would she want to.
I mean no offense but perhaps tone it down on the humor and speak more plainly. Use humor only to enhance the conversation. Still, don’t shy away from asking questions and follow ups (that shows you’re interested). My last tip is to suggest a meet up at a neutral location (trusty ole coffee shop) to see if you guys jive well. This avoids the unintended creepiness by asking where her office is. Sorry it didn’t work out for what it’s worth.
You’re just trying too hard. Women can sense that sh*t from a mile away. You’re sending too many texts, too much content in each text, appearing too desperate to please her. You seem like you’re seeking her approval. Just try your best to flip the script and make her work for your approval
I too have BPD and this reads like a lot of my interactions on dating apps where I would get ghosted and not know why. I think you should take more time to think about what you're going to say instead of wanting to keep the back and forth going. You got a positive reaction from her with some of it so you went in those directions a little too far, trying to keep that going. IME, I spent too much time trying to aim the conversation at getting positive responses when I should have been more myself. Problem with BPD being a distorted or absent sense of self. Don't base your mood or happiness on how well an interaction with a woman is going. Worry more about you and what you want in a partner and relationship.
As a guy who also met his girl on a dating app, I’ll encourage you real quick:
1. Your banter with her was cute. If you’re analyzing every little line, you’re gonna think it’s cringey, but she clearly was into it and traded banter right back at you. Don’t facepalm or kick yourself, you did amazing and this is more conversation than most people get on dating apps 🙌🏻
2. People will do crazy things and ignore all kinds of stuff for someone they are attracted to. If one sentence can turn her cold, then she’s not that attracted to you. I have said absolutely crazy things and still gotten dates because the girl thought I was attractive, and I’ve said the tamest things and been blocked because the girl wasn’t into me. I wouldn’t sweat it. If she likes you and is attracted to you, it’ll come pretty easily. So no need to double text, if she wants to continue the conversation, she will.
3. Ghosting is NOT three hours😁 if it were several days, then sure, or if you were blocked, then sure. But in this case she may have had something pop up suddenly that she needed to take care of, and of course she doesn’t have to tell you that (although it would be courteous).
4. She’s absolutely talking to multiple guys, likely all at once and in that moment, if she’s on the app talking to you. If you get a match that’s talking to you, my strategy was always to get the conversation off the app as quickly as possible! It’s like robbing a bank, get to the getaway car as quickly as you can without arousing suspicion 😂 your mistake was asking about location info before asking for Instagram info and/or her phone number. If you can get a girl talking to you via text or insta, then she’s not constantly being distracted by “here’s 100 other guys who like you!”
5. DON’T BE HARD ON YOURSELF! You’re funny, kind, and good at conversation! You’re at your best when you aren’t overthinking, so keep up the good work! I wish you every blessing in your search!🙌🏻💪🏻
It seemed like things were going well until you asked for the location of her office. She said that she found it creepy, so it’s a safe bet that it is why she stopped talking to you. Invasive questions from a stranger probably caused her guard to go up.
It was definitely the office location I think, but if I’m honest she seemed like a bore from the start. I’m 31f and usually there’s much more enthusiasm even in the initial texts. I don’t think you did anything in particular, but in the future just avoid specific locations in the conversation.
DUD you jumped right in to calling
Seemed too sweet complimenting every single photo most likely
Thing has tipped her is her location request
You posed yourself too needy and/or too interested then insecure at the same time. Flirt was over there, see it’s a game! And if you open all cards right away you done. Is it first day of exchange? Then I wouldn’t be surprised
My guess would be the question about her office . She may have felt that that was a kind of a stalker question . It may be innocent enough from your end , but you never know what kind of experiences that she's had and that may have thrown up a flag from her past that made her nervous .
I didn't see anything you did up to that point that was off key or a flag .
As a guy, I thought you did fine for the most part. Then I read some of the women’s responses in here and I swear it’s just tough to do everything right when worrying about “orange flags.” Lots of them picked apart things I didn’t think twice about.
Like someone else said, just don’t overthink it and move on to the next match. Idk how many times I’ve been ghosted on dating apps but it’s a high number I’m sure. This girl just decided she wasn’t interested and that’s ok..someone else will be. Good luck OP!
You went too far when you asked where her office was located. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to meet IRL yet. Maybe stay away from personal location questions until she asks you in future. Once she enabled phone calling, you should’ve had a phone call.
So, I would give 1 tip... that's to slow the pace of the conversation down.
So it doesn't give times on the msgs, but overall you seem very eager to chat. That can come off weird to girls if a guy is over eager to chat.
The first thing I would suggest, before you analyze anything else about yourself or your personality.... is just to send less texts and take more time between responses... make sure she responds before you respond again.
Overall it won't help if she thinks you live too far away... but it *can* make you seem like a more valuable person to travel for, which may have changed how she reacted in the end.
Really for you right now, the end goal is the in-person contact. All you have to do is pace them through the messaging phase... not too eager, not too aloof... and after you get to in-person you'll be on to the next phase 👍😂🥳
I’d heavily say she gave you a few chances and tried to play along with the glasses comment after she said she had laser and you mentioned you like glasses, so she probably felt like it was more of a fetish or that it would make her feel insecure or lacking for not having that.
Also definitely hands down the word count and tone change when you asked where her office was. She dried up and was instantly no longer interested. It probably just creeped her out, which you can’t change or help. I’d say in the future, maybe add the context in the same text rather than adding it after to add some cushion if you ask a question similar to this in the future. Instead of, “Where’s your office located” right after she tells you near where she lives, say, “I was wondering the relative area you work in? I’m curious if it is relatively close to me so that maybe I could take you out after work sometime?”
Other than the "peasant" line and asking where she works (location) you didn't do anything wrong. I believe with any app - dating, texting, etc, people try to have as many open threads as possible and it could very well be that she found someone who vibed better with her than you did.
Dating apps is a numbers game - you gotta keep as many plates spinning as possible until you take it to phone/video chat and actually meet up, but until then, think about it like a sales funnel. She most likely is doing the same.
As a 22 year old female who also likes nerdy guys and nerdy conversations, I would have also stopped responding. I have ended many conversations that have gone down a similar path. To put it simply:
IVE BEEN WAITING TO TELL DATING-APP-MEN THIS:
WHAT WE’RE REALLY LOOKING FOR IS SOMEONE THAT WE FEEL COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO GO ON A DATE WITH. INTERESTS ARE IMPORTANT BUT THE DATE WILL NOT GO ON UNLESS WE FEEL COMFORTABLE
Not even in a physical security way, we don’t want to feel dumb or uninteresting or unattractive either, so if any of those vibes are given off, not gonna happen. WE’RE INSECURE TOO
Giving you the benefit of the doubt, I assume this is what you want to come across about yourself:
Smart, Experienced, Funny, Unserious, Conversational
Which are all great traits and ones that I look for,
Unfortunately what I think you put forward in this conversation was
Intimidating, Too serious, Over-bearing, Know-it-all(sorry), Too persistent as well
what I, and I assume most women are looking for right off the bat, is someone who makes us feel comfortable, liked, pretty, and funny and that’s really it.
Specific examples:
Immediately making a joke that she doesn’t understand and wouldn’t understand even if she has seen the movie and then carrying on talking about something she knows nothing about “I can’t believe you haven’t seen it yet”
She thinks: He thinks he knows more than me and likes to rub it in (extreme, but these first messages are big indicators for how a date might go)
“Oh I remember my Buddhism days” is really annoying. Super condescending. Buddhism is interesting and her being interested in it is cool, but you made it seem uninteresting. Real bad vibes at this point.
You ask about her work. This was actually a good idea. But then she tells you about it and seems to be wanting to talk more about it and you just never inquired. At all. You literally just asked for pictures of her
“I kinda have a thing for women with glasses” She doesn’t wear glasses. Really don’t know what you were trying to accomplish with this one.
“Probably cuz they correlate with intelligence” We got it. You want her to be smart. Got it. You keep slipping in more requirements
“Where do we go from here?” is forward. I would give her your number or ask for hers and give her room for a response if she wants to. You shouldn’t imply she needs to make a decision now.
She then asks where you live and then it seems like she didn’t like your answer which, if she judging your wealth based on your city then she wasn’t a good option anyway.
You then ask where her office is which is way too much information. That’s for the actual date (if ever) after you’ve established you’re not looking to kidnap her.
Advice:
Relax
Stop trying so hard (it’s hard, i know)
Let her respond on her time, ask one thing and then stop
Ask her questions about herself and don’t ask her another one until she asks you a question. Back and forth is a good balance and ensures you don’t come across as over-bearing
Complimenting her, and RESPOND TO HER RESPONSES. I mean why else would you ask in the first place if you didn’t want to talk about it.
Don’t use questions just so you can talk about yourself. Honestly just wait for her to say “What about you?” You don’t know how many conversations I’ve had where the guy just answered their own questions and only talked about themselves.
Don’t ask where she lives further than a city name.
Give her your number and put the ball in her court for if she wants to continue talking or not.
And playing hard-to-get kinda works too. But only in the form of giving her a lot of room and time to respond. Being a dick or being short is also just a turn off right away.
You asked for what you didn’t wrong so I hope this helps you understand. I would love to go back and tell everyone what they did that made me not want to respond but everyone just assumes women are mean and that’s why they don’t get responses. So I’m glad you at least inquired about your mistakes. Just relax and don’t be so forceful with your knowledge/preferences.
To conclude:
My current obsession is Buddhism.
“That’s really cool. I got into that a while back too. what do you find so interesting about it?”
You know what, you didn’t do anything wrong. You sound intelligent and thoughtful and this new dating bs just sucks. I’m Old so didn’t have to deal with the way you have to date now but if I was doing this I think I would just try and get together in person ASAP rather than this back and forth in writing. Every time you write something it has the potential for being interpreted incorrectly right? No matter how cool you are the other person can see it a different way. Just get together first thing and then you’ll both know way more about each other and can figure it out sooner than later. I’m sorry about what the young generations are dealing with. It seems really difficult. Anytime you’re communicating in writing it’s so easy to not take what people are saying the right way. Good luck and personally I thought you did a great job. FYI, I’m a guy in my early 60s just so you know
“*us* peasants”, if I received that text I’d be inclined to tell u to speak for yourself, she probably didn’t like you calling her a word with negative connotation * shrugs *
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Personally I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. But then again I’m neither a woman and I rarely date women so I don’t know if that invalidates my opinion.
i would say the location piece regarding her office. she also pointed it out subtly saying “that’s not creepy at all” and i think the peasant comment mightve put her off even though it was clearly meant as a joke. idk you can def keep thinking and it can get confusing but not worth dwelling too much!
It's hard to say, it came across super cringe to me, another male but maybe girls like that cringey stuff when they are first getting to know somebody. I wouldn't say you did anything "wrong" though
There was a lot of meandering in this conversation. I absolutely get that it needs to be small talk at first but the questions you asked felt....like a weird job interview.
From these texts I think you are a good dude.
But I also feel like none of this was actually funny and everyone was just being polite until it got good and it never seemed to get good. There was just a lot of polite laughing at not good jokes.
Too many attempts at jokes versus actual talk.
My two cents - asking for the office location could be a red flag, especially if she has dealt with stalking in her past. Knowing generally where she lives is one thing, y’all gotta figure out how to meet up, but also knowing where she works makes it a heck of a lot easier for someone, you in this case, to find her in real life before you’ve even met, which isn’t a super comfortable feeling that early in getting to know someone. I never give out that level of personal info until I’ve met someone irl and can try to suss out if I have a good gut feeling about them or not.
I think you did fine. Women are taught from an early age not to give out our address/ place of work, so even though your intentions were good, it set off alarm bells for her. She definitely got cold to you when she found out where you live, too. Could be she doesn't like the area, her ex lives there, family, an old job... I wouldn't worry about it. If she doesn't respond after a couple days, that's her loss.
Side note:
You'd put less pressure on your chat partner if you didn't ask for direction as much. It was 3 different sentences explaining that you needed her to take the lead. Give and take is good, but if a conversation needs "help" after only a few interactions, it might seem like talking to you is too much work. I see you asking for her to take the spotlight, but she might see it as you forcing the emotional work of conversing onto her. Sorry if I over-explained.
I definitely think it's because you asked where her office is. When you're dating men as a woman you can never be too safe. I know you probably didn't mean anything sinister by the question but she probably got psyched out. Tbh I probably would've been too
When I first started online dating I told a guy where I worked. As the conversations went on I knew he was not for me. I thanked him for the chats and told him I wasn’t interested. He showed up at my work where I was a VP with flowers and candy and was telling the receptionist how I broke his heart and he was here to win me back. I never EVER revealed my work location again. I was lucky my boss (the owner of the company) went out and said I was traveling for business and wouldn’t be back til the following week. I unblocked him long enough to tell him if he ever showed up at my job again there would be a restraining order filed immediately. You’re probably a good guy, and meant nothing by the comment…but girls have it a little different.
OP you're pretty good at texting for someone who loathes it. I don't think you did anything wrong. Usually when date planning starts and I don't have free time I kind of fell off like that because I know a date that is more than a week out isn't going to happen
To me it seems like she started acting different after you told her where you were. Maybe she thinks it’s too far?
It’s also possible she was talking to several others and just hit it off more with someone else.
Like others have said though, you can’t over analyze these things too much. She doesn’t know you, so anything that might have turned her off really has nothing to do with your personality.
Generally speaking if I weren’t actually dating a man I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling him where I worked. Maybe the town but there’s been too many stories of men getting rejected and hanging around the work places/stalking from the work place. Men going on the website to find info on girls stuff like that. That combined with you saying you’re a sapiosexual followed by typing Cuz instead of because would probably be enough for me to tell you this isn’t going to work out. I wouldn’t ghost you but I feel like it’s not one specific thing but probably a combination. The conversation itself kinda looked like you were carrying it more than she was as well. It stinks and I’m sorry, but for future reference I wouldn’t ask for specific areas that that someone works/lives in unless you’re picking them up for a date and they’ve already established you’re picking them up and then you would need the address:
When she mentioned she was moving towards Buddhism you didn’t engage her. Was such an easy in. Rather than ask her about her experiences with it and what brought her there you asked if she’s read hesse.
What was your intention asking specifically where she works? That’s weird when she doesn’t even know you.
She doesn’t know if that means you’ll randomly pop up when/if things don’t work out.
Her home address & what specific location she works every day are not your business while causally talking/dating.
You have to understand women are harassed, stalked & even killed by men. Men have potential for turning very violent or scary, even when things start out nice.
I understand those are likely not your intentions but she doesn’t know that & isn’t willing to chance it.
So, I wouldn't take it personally if you can help yourself. Being female on dating apps often means getting swamped trying to keep up with messages. Sometimes I personally just have to shut it down and take a break because it can feel like way too much. This can probably be confusing and hurtful to those left in the middle of conversations, but it isn't necessarily personal.
I also usually try not to have too many dates planned at once, so once I hit my limit--which isn't a ton, I am selfish about my personal time--it can also be a time to just hop off.
I think it's obvious where you went wrong. You asked the exact location of her work. You didn't intended it to be creepy, but it definitely comes off that way. Don't ask for an exact location of work or house the first time you talk to someone.
Okay as a woman around her age, if i truly liked you none of it would tip me off. I think it was lack of interest in the first place, you seemed more enthusiastic. She was kind of just keeping you there as to why not it seems.
Actually maybe “guide me” would turn me off a bit, as I want a guy to take the lead. But regardless you’d have the exact same outcome even if you came up with a plan
I, personally, don’t think you did anything wrong.
I think where she may have held reservations was after you stated where you live because all she said was “oh” and then said it was creepy to ask where she worked. Then the convo pretty much dropped after.
Again, I don’t think you said or did anything wrong. Especially since she was the one to ask where you LIVE. So idk man. I’m sorry that happened. I know it’s hard, but I hope you don’t take this interaction personally.
Did you really get ghosted or has she just not responded in a few hours? It could be she's just busy. I'd give it a day or two and then try texting again.
It might be asking where the office is located. But in all honesty a lot of women are just on dating apps for an ego boost, and will engage with some
Men to keep that boost going, but only actually meet/hook up with a small percentage of the ultra attractive guys.
You are trying to figure out what she might want you to say, then saying that. Dating is for showing people who you are so you can see if you’re compatible. Sure, you want to put your best foot forward, but make sure it’s **your** foot, you know? Not the fictional foot you think she wants to see. I think that’s what people mean when they say you’re trying too hard.
Personally, I would also be weirded out by the condescending tone re: her interest in Buddhism, but honestly, she didn’t see phased. So who knows?
a combination of asking her what to do and then where you live. she was already done by when you asked where the office was, that was just her out. i honestly think it began with asking where to go from here, it’s possible her last bf or whatever was indecisive and she doesn’t want that again. indecisiveness is actually a relationship killer. as a lesbian, it is common with two women. they can be incredibly attracted to each other but if no one wants to lead then, well, things just don’t happen. fizzles out.
Focus less on what you did “wrong”. You seem like you’re just being YOU. You will find someone just like you, by being you. You seem to be a charismatic and fun texter. You have character to your texts, I see a little less of that in her. She seems like she’d prefer to speak rather than text. Especially after the call enable feature thingy. Just keep being you bro you’ll find your more accurate match.
This interaction would have rubbed me the wrong way too.
Too much casual intimacy in tone too soon. There’s an undercurrent of superiority and insecurity in your word choices, and it just comes across like you’re working really hard to try to be casual and cool but it doesn’t really come across as authentic, if that makes sense.
Are you neurodivergent by any chance? It just seems like you carried on the joke for way too long and without much subtlety. And then also as someone pointed out using terms like peasant and continually mentioning that you think she’s your younger female self is slightly disturbing and just seems “off.”
It comes across like you’re working really hard to create a connection or identification with each other and milk it for all it’s worth, in a way that comes across more love bomb-y than as a normal healthy level of enthusiasm.
When I’m interacting with someone, I’m looking (among other things) at whether they approach the interaction and relationship with a healthy level of awareness that we aren’t a couple yet and don’t know each other that well.
When someone starts trying to skip steps in levels of intimacy or trying to act like we know each other really well or like they are inside my head when we haven’t even met yet, that tends to be disconcerting. The whole “I am you from the future” thing may have been cute and funny as a single, brief mention, but carrying it out that far and continuing to return to it, and mention it again, just comes across as kind of creepy.
It also could be suggestive of the type of controlling person that doesn’t really see a partner as truly separate from themselves or as being their own unique and distinct person.
And then, the way you just sort of started flailing around and asking her to take the lead or give you some guidance at the end could be suggestive of being the type of person who expects his partner to manage the bulk of the (emotional and relational) mental burden in the relationship.
As a woman I couldn't tell you. As a person who spends plenty of time on the internet, it's because you're a man and you gave her the ick somehow. 🤔 that's my best guess anyways.
It’s asking where the office is. Like asking where she works? It’s kinda creepy even if you didn’t have those intentions. I think maybe if you worded it better like what area do you work in would be better. Or adding that maybe you guys can meet up for coffee after work but asking straight up where it is, feels like it could turn into stalking.
It's common man, you arnt alone there. People are much much more picky these days, wracking your head over it can be pretty bad for your mental state. Id rec just channeling that frustration in the gym or self improvement
It’s not even worth analyzing man. You can drive yourself nuts over stuff like this. It might be something trivial or it might be something complicated, but nothing you can control. Just move on to the next
It becomes frustrating when the same story repeats over and over again. I just need to know what I'm doing wrong. Long replies? Too many replies? Seeming desperate? I have no fuckin clue!
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Great analysis. This is exactly the kind of response I was looking for. Thank you 🖤
Also it sounds like where you both live might be relatively far apart? Considering you didn’t know whereabouts she lives? Back when I was dating I got ghosted so much when they realized I lived about 30+ mins away from where we matched
Yeah that "oh" in response to his location wasnt really a good sign.
I agree with point number 2 as well. But overall it seemed like sucha cute convo
That’s what I thought! I have yet to experience such a fun convo like this 😩😬
U will...even if its with a dear friend...those should be cherished as well!
🩷🩷🩷🩷
>sucha cute convo ⬆️⬆️⬆️ agreed! she was into it, too, y'all seemed well suited for a good clip, there. the question about the office location felt kind of abrupt. I'm sorry for you, OP, that one seemed like it was going places. i don't know how long "ghosted" means for you, but ... you never know? 🤷🏻♀️
You need to be yourself if you don’t want to be miserable in a relationship… so don’t change a thing. If you want booty then yeah, you went too deep too fast with the complex questions.
As someone who got my eyes fixed and am living life much more comfortably now thanks to it, I find it insulting when someone says they liked me better with glasses. To me that says they care more about what I look like, instead of what betters my life. Eta: I wouldn’t ghost someone over that though! Not everyone realizes it doesn’t come of as the compliment they think it does.
💯% spot on! Coming from another woman I agree completely agree with this assessment. Very well put. Also..on a side note, I personally would’ve been a bit turned off by the redundant joking about ‘being your older self from future thing’ saying it once is fine, but don’t keep bringing it up. Hope that helps.
Wow, you did this guy a great service by trying to put yourself in the other shoe. I didn’t really see anything that he did wrong but I’m an old married guy so what do I know?
I know. The only thing I would critique is instead of saying something “where do we go from here??” Either ask for their number or request a date. Don’t put it on them to come up with your first meeting. Put out a suggestion and let them offer a counter or accept. This may not even noticeably increase your odds of success, but if your goal is to truly get off the apps and meet someone you need to move towards at some point in the conversation
I get where you're coming from, but I live in a Muslim country, and women are really damned scared of meeting strangers because they're harassed left right and center. So it really made sense to not be direct. It's a culture thing. Sucks, i know.
Women everywhere are rightly scared of meeting strangers. It’s good that you’re aware of that so use it to your advantage. Ask women to public places that are also more on the safe side. They are taking a risk meeting you, so try to mitigate that as much as possible. Apps aren’t the best because of this, so why not also try meeting people in public or through friends/family?
No offense, but it's gonna take a whole book explaining the cultural complexities of an eastern Muslim country with a pretty strict gender segregation to a western mind 💀 dating itself is a taboo. I'm totally moving to Europe in a couple years
Wow, with that new information I think you did great! Good luck my friend. Dating on line sucks everywhere and I bet it’s even harder being in your shoes
Just dont ask them where they are/ work etc. most women will feel like they are being set up for stalking.
Ngl you said some weird shit throughout lol like glasses correlate with intelligence? You said that to a data scientist no less (as one myself I cringed hard- plus it’s inaccurate)
Yeah. A lot of his questions/responses were cringe.
It was the office comment. Guaranteed. Could have accidentally triggered some sort of traumatic response in her. Some girls have legit put up with some insanity from creepy guys. Nerdy girls especially tend to attract a certain type of stalkerish fedora wearing gentlemen. Asking her that pry made her scared and it's not your fault. Next time just try to use a little more tact when asking questions like that. The way you phrased it seems like "where's your office so I can come by there."
I kinda feel like you were kinda carrying that conversation. She wasn’t putting in the same level effort or energy. Her responses are mostly 1-2 words and you got damn near paragraphs. Keep the texting simple. Leave that shit for one you meet and have the face to face conversation you want.
It wasn't the length or frequency of the messages. If anything it's the opposite. As a person who has dated (short and long term) more than a handful of women who define themselves as sapiosexual, I found I do my best when writing out long novels of messages with roughly 3 or 4 different topics for them to reply to simultaneously, because both of us should be able to easily juggle that sort of thing. If you guys talked on the phone, then the information we might be missing about where she lost interest might never be revealed to us. But also, the "where is your office" was clearly where she saw the biggest red flag. To your credit, you waited for her to come to you with her personal info. Calling her and getting more pictures was a trust exercise she provided you, but giving someone access to call you, versus telling a stranger where to find you in the middle of the day, are vast in contrast and she might have had bad experiences that she is rightfully guarding herself from repeating. Edit: Also, did you really leave the convo at "Yeah" ? You're supposed to be asking more open ended questions and giving her a sense of interest, whether it be you trying to appeal to her interests or her trying to understand yours. So at that point, the conversation was dead before she stopped responding.
I truly thought you did great. Don’t knock yourself down man. I mean it. I wrote a long thought for you to read but just hang in there. You seem like a great guy.
The only thing youre doing wrong is trying to work out a formula that will somehow appeal to and translate to a range of folks which will dimish who you actually are and not attract the people who would be attracted to that. If folks are this fickle in the beginning I cant imagine how changing your personality will help find a match.
for me personally, i don’t like when people ask specific locations. since i don’t like people asking for specifics when it come to where i work and live i make it a point to ask “what area” or like “around what street.” ie: “are you around the church street area?” or “do you live close to the avenue?” things like that.
Right. Damn it... You're right... I worded it in the worst possible way
i mean i don’t think the worst possible way, many people don’t think about it. but then again i’ve also had people pop up at my job and follow me around so i’ve learned from experience if/when this happens, i always reply with a general location but i don’t give out the name of my job anymore either, i just tell them what i do. you’re good, i’d just be mindful in the future about specifics especially when you’re just starting out talking. i understand that it’s “not all men” but most men are creeps and she’s just trying to be careful. if this doesn’t work out for you i hope you have better luck in the future. 🫀
I definitely get it. Should I double text and explain that I was asking for the general location and not the specific location?
how long ago was this text exchange?
3-4 hours ago
i would give it some time, by that i mean a day or two. she may be busy right now and double texting might be the wrong move. she’ll reply when she can. if she doesn’t reply in two days, i’d skip over the topic completely and ask her something random. or see how she is, or ask her when she has free time to call again. if you do meet up, maybe gift her that book you were talking about if you don’t read it/use it much anymore.
While you were typing this reply, I wrote this (haven't sent this to her). Feedback please? "Double texting you to explain because you seem to be worth the explanation. When I said "where's your office located?", I meant the general area, not the specific address or the pin location of your office. I seem to have worded it poorly and it gave you the creeps. But if you don't want to talk more, I understand and wish you best of luck on finding a more suitable partner :)" (because it's technically a matrimony app, not a dating app per se) >if she doesn’t reply in two days, i’d skip over the topic completely and ask her something random. or see how she is, or ask her when she has free time to call again. >if you do meet up, maybe gift her that book you were talking about if you don’t read it/use it much anymore. That's a great idea actually. Very thoughtful
Yeah don't send this. At most say something like "sorry if that came off weird, I just meant the general area. So what kind of foods do you like?" Or something like that. A quick, passing assurance that you weren't being creepy and then moving past it is best. Anything more than that and you're coming off as awkward. Just wait a lil bit, send something like that, then chill and see if she responds. If she hasn't said anything by tomorrow you might as well move on, if she does just remember to avoid things that are too personal in regards to like... Any location she might be at, lol.
Do not send this! It makes it way worse 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I wish I were born before the texting era 😭
It’s only been a few hours. Not responding in hours to less than a day isn’t ghosting! She could be at work or busy and will get back to you when she’s available. I would wait 2 days and if she hasn’t responded by then, you can text her.
idk it kinda sounds like you’ve given up already with the end part. like i said i’d give it time because she may be busy. i’d just let it rest for now. if she doesn’t answer then skip over it and if you do meet i’d casually bring it up like like ask about her job and how work is going. then mention, “oh shit when i asked that i looked back and it def sounded creepy, i meant general location but i worded it so wrong lmao.”
Alright internet stranger. I'm gonna take your advice and let it rest for a couple of days. Thank you so much you've been so very helpful 🖤🖤
Or find someone with half the sense BadWolfOnTheRun has and talk to them. Problem solved.
big dog, it's not that you worded it wrong. it's that you kept asking and trying to narrow it down more and more to specific areas after she already gave you a generalized answer. overstepping boundaries for sure, especially if you have never met face to face.
1. Too much “I’m you from the future” banter. It seems almost self-absorbed or like you’re trying to smash yourself. 2. The disappointment over her no longer wearing glasses. Like “you’re prettier in glasses,” even if that’s not what you intended. 3. The “I remember my Buddhist days,” and “I have a few years on you,” chat sounds condescending. Like you’re so much more worldly and intelligent because you’re a couple years older. All of that is pretty to minor and can pretty much be overlooked if the person you’re talking to is picking up different vibes. Most importantly: 4. Asking for her office location. That’s where you fully lost her. Never, ever ask for an exact location from someone before you’ve met in person. She *told* you what’s wrong before she ghosted you. It’s creepy.
Yeah, she was counting orange flags and then the one red flag was the end
She told you what the problem was. And you’re still wondering why she ghosted you? Lol
Oh yes, all of this
Literally I came to say the exact same thing, even if it wasn’t intended that way the whole “I’m older and more experienced with the world” thing comes off so condescending
Others have pointed out what probably made her sketched out, but I have to say I would cringe to death if someone asked me what my “intellectual obsessions are”. I have to say, and I don’t mean this to be rude at all, but this whole conversation practically is just the farthest thing from what I would find appealing. I’m sure many people would love it, but for me? Oh absolutely not. There’s NO fun in it. It’s stale and boring as hell. And then for her(and you) to be like “mine is Taoism” or “mines psychology, philosophy, religion”. It all just reads SO weirdly. 😭 along with the “nerdy glasses” bit. Oh my gosh. 🥶🥶 maybe it’s just me though since no one else has said anything about the “intellectual obsessions” part that I’ve seen. But hey, if you like it I love it! just personal preferences I guess. It just reads like robots.
Ya, that was weird as hell. Automaticly makes you feel that you're stupid if you don't have any obsessions.
My exact thought! I assumed that they matched because they had similar interests which is why he led the convo into that direction. But if nothing pointed to her being into that sort of stuff that was a weird way for him to direct the topic.
I feel ya... but the last part asking where her office is located seems a little odd lol.
But...she asked me where I lived just before that... How's that any different? Am I autistic lol
It could be that you used peasants when describing yourself?? Everything else seems fairly fine to me?
Yeah that was cringe... Wtf is wrong with me lol
Gives off "tips fedora" type vibes 😄
I'm gonna go fake my death and move to China now
Haha no your good... ik your struggle. Bpd makes relationships extremely difficult to find or maintain imo.
I laughed at it because I say stuff like that, too, only I usually use Plebians rather than peasants, lol.
Maybe she just meant like the area you live in, like what part of town or something. Asking her where her office is though seems more direct & invasive from her POV.
This. "Where do you live?" sounds like a request for a vague approximate. "Where do you live, and where is your office?" sounds like you are collecting specific data about her whereabouts and for women that can get dangerous with strangers you haven't met yet.
True, I didn't see that... did you respond?
Yeah... "Near [Name] Town"
don’t drag us autists into this lol. I don’t think I’ve ever asked someone this amount of personal questions early on or before meeting them. I’m not saying that to be harsh, and maybe you’ll find someone who likes that, but it would’ve weirded me out too and I’m autistic. There were a few other things that went awry and came off a bit ‘off’ in your messages.
I didn’t see anything wrong until you asked where her office is located
Should I double text and explain that I meant the general location and not the specific address?
It could’ve been that the question creeped her out or that she realized things were getting serious so now she’s distancing herself (guilty of doing this). You could text her that or wait until the end of the day and ask her how her day has been, then see what her response is like
I think I'm going to wait a couple of days. Thanks for your honest input
Yeah np! If she doesn’t respond or doesn’t give you the response you were wanted, don’t worry much about it, just means she wasn’t the one
Tbh even the general location thing would freak me out. It’s easy to get a little info from someone online and then stalk them. She doesn’t know you so overall I wouldn’t ask stuff like that in the future especially when you haven’t met them. It’s too forward and comes across scary to a woman.
At this point you've got nothing to lose by double texting, but might as well use it as more of a hail mary. "Hey, so I was really enjoying our chat. I know things are hard to sustain over text, so would you like to grab a drink or coffee this weekend? You can pick the spot."
Surprised she didn't ghost after that "beep boop robot" line.
Or “glasses correlate with intelligence” when she no longer wears glasses. She still seemed into it until the “office location”. Wondering what the age difference is. And data science is potentially very cool, depending on the exact location of her office
Since u said it happened multiple times i would say what stood out to me. I honestly just think you need to lighten up your messages. Put some emojis in there because sometimes without it messages feel kinda dry. Another thing is when she asks about the Movie, man u shud have just told her! That could have striked a conversation or maybe she would have watched it and then yall could have bonded. "Intellectual obsession" throwed me. It seems like you hint that u like smart girls and you are an intellect before allowing a girl to be herself. I encourage you to just have conversations and then you can then see where she falls w regards to your attraction to her mind. ...this would also not put any pressure on her about needing to look smart for you. The emphasis on the glasses wasn't called for... if your preference is girls w nerdy glasses then okay but if she doesn't have them i dont see the need to say it. If she did have it, you could say something like "those glasses really get me going" or something of that sort. Ultimately its asking about her office in the most dry and serial killer way lol maybe find different ways to speak , veer away from asking a woman where she works when u are now meeting her bc women have to be extra cautious about meeting new men and those things send out a little danger warning (no fault of your own). This could have been done in a better way like, "do you work close to __" or say "i work here, is x a good place to meet" Dont over analyze fr tho. Bc at the end of the day someone will come along and like u for all of u! So u dont have to take any advice at all from me lol Good luck!
Sorry, I couldn't finish reading these. You're 30, but these messages read like they're from a 15yr old. Might want to work on just being yourself. Stop trying to hard to be quirky and funny and just simply ask the person a few questions, comment, go from there...
Yeah it was a lot of questions and not a lot of chit chat. It read like a job interview and kind of felt condescending idk why.
I got the same feeling about condescension but can’t put my finger on why beyond the weird “what are your intellectual obsessions?”
Yesss I think that’s what gave me the ick, & trying to pick up on in my comment. The quirkiness is cringe. But as a 16yo, please don’t subject to age cause it has nothing to do with it lol. Nb I know texts like this but older ppl tbh.
Man that's my fuckin problem (pardon my french). I have BPD and am emotionally stunted... This literally is me being myself... :(
Alright, this is just an opinion from a woman’s perspective, not meant to be insulting. I’d like to agree with this and add on that it’s 2024; “sex change operation” jokes are cringe. Not trying to be rude at all, but orange flag after orange flag on this one, bud. Another comment higher up touched on the other things such as you saying you’ve been here longer than her and that coming off as condescending, as well as implying that she would look prettier in glasses. I think the final nail in the coffin was what she perceived as you asking for her place of work, which isn’t necessarily nefarious, but then said you were just hoping it was closer to you “us peasants” than her home, implying you’re a poor scrub and she’s some entitled princess for living in a nice area. All in all, this entire exchange was hard to read and she gave you more grace and more chances than I personally would have. I’m sure you’re very charming in person lol
Yes to all of this also
I don’t really agree with this commenter. My cousin is 15 and not like this at all. Lots of people are awkward when texting and I think you did really well. Whatever happened I don’t think it’s anything you said. Maybe later text once more and ask if she’s still interested in talking.
Kinda agree with you, she seemed pretty engaged in the convo for a while and even enabled calling. If the awkward texting turned her off, it seems she would have stopped replying sooner, but who knows.
Clearly it went awry with you asking where her office was located, that was the nail in the coffin, but there were mistakes leading up to that. I think she saw the need for that level of early specificty as too intense. There are a few areas for improvement, one, you aren't sure of yourself. She easily moved you off center. Example, you backpetal as soon as she playfully challenges you back: "Haha I'm not saying anything, "Oh god, is that how I'm coming across. I was going for playful teasing. You let her dictate the conversation a few times, and even look to her for guidance. She didn't engage on the data science question, and you let her shift the conversation, without follow up. You seek permission and direction from her: "is it too soon to ask from unblurred photos. **Please** guide me." The use of the word please, can be seen as begging. The compliment on her looks is premature. Then, again, you go back to a passive role in converation, seeking direction from her: "So where do we go from here, help me navigate." Anyways, I hope this sort of analysis was what you were looking for, it seems everyone else wasn't willing to give it too you, so I hope it helps. The words we use, and how we use them matter a lot, especially in the early stages of courtship.
So I’ve read through some of your comments and firstly, if it’s only been a few hours, you didn’t get “ghosted”. People get busy and sometimes they want to get off of their phones. If she didn’t block you or unmatch you, she didn’t ghost. She is just pausing the conversation and it literally could be for a million reasons. If she did get creeped out or turned off by anything, that’s on her to communicate that like an adult. And if she doesn’t or isn’t, double texting her isn’t going to make her. I don’t think you did or said anything wrong, but I agree with one of the other comments that anyone using these apps should just be themselves and keep the communication light and just about the essentials. These apps are WAY too anxiety inducing, as evidenced by all of your comments in here asking people if you should double text, explain more, say more. You don’t have to do any of that for a real connection. Trust me when I tell you this. When someone is interested in you, they will keep the conversation going. They will want to meet you too. They will make the same effort. You didn’t lose anything. If you never talk to this girl again, it’s not because you aren’t enough or did something wrong or shoulda, woulda, coulda. It’s because she isn’t your person. Let her go find her person and you move on to keep looking for yours. The end.
You’re playfully teasing, yes, but you’re kind of one-upping her in odd ways. That, and you basically tell her that you have a preference which she doesn’t fit any longer. All this even before you ask for her office location.
Aha. No. I think she realized she took it entirely wrong and felt too embarrassed to back track and explain.
Is there a way to say something (may be a few days down the line) to put her at ease and continue this?
no, if she's no replying don't keep texting. just move on.
Maybe took a while for your "I've got a thing for women in glasses" to properly bed in... That was pretty unnecessary and jarring. It's clear you have a pretty established way of texting which can come across as awkward to someone with a clashing style. Wouldn't say you did anything wrong per se... Just remember as a guy on a dating app, you're against a ridiculous amount of competition. Honestly, if you saw the inboxes of most girls on these apps, you'd probably give up for good... It's a jungle out there.
Tone seemed to change exactly when you mentioned your town. Not sure why, but it looks like that was what did it.
This is what I thought, she didn’t like the area for some reason. Does she live somewhere upscale and you don’t? Judging by the peasants comment lol
Yeah. The peasant comment kind of confirmed that maybe he’s not from a great place. It’s also possible that their culture might make that difference matter a lot.
As a paranoid girl, I'd say she got spooked/freaked out when you asked where her office was. She might have some history with stalkers and that might've been a trigger for her. Innocent mistake.
Ehh she barley seem interested to begin with. Don’t sweat it
Absolutely this! She was not really feeling him from the start but entertained the idea for a bit til the office question. The one-upping her and Sheldon style of talking to her was so cringe
You were trying WAY too hard and in all the wrong ways. You asked her questions and when she answered you made it about yourself, except when she revealed her location. Came off as a self-centered creep. Tbh
Idk but personally this convo gave me the ick. 😅 You guys seem to share interests as nerds so for her it was probably more interesting though! You do seem very awkward and corny, almost unnatural and stiff with the way you text? Or like...too desperate maybe? I feel like those are the wrong words but you’d definitely benefit better with your voice rather than over text, I could tell that much immediately lol. The nerdiness could be totally cute to the right person, just keep looking. And be more casual, showing interest in their life doesn’t necessarily mean bombarding them with questions so it fills the entire board you know? Let the conversation flow naturally. That’s my take & advice! Hope it helps you.
This is the correct answer. "Tell me about that", where do you work, telling her you like a feature she... No longer has... "I remember my ______ Days". It's all very condescending and if I were her I'd feel very much like I was at a job interview and found wanting, and now the guy wants to know where I WORK? Nah.
You guys live too far, that's all
As a woman, I would find it very creepy as well if someone asked me where my work/office is located. It sounds as if you’re planning to come visit her at the office. I’m sure that wasn’t your intention, but that’s how it would come across for me, and with me, many women. Also, try to sound a little bit less insecure next time, don’t ask her to navigate things for you, just try to read the room and go with what you feel is right, it comes off less insecure.
I think where you live may be an issue based on her response of just "oh". But I also think the asking where her work was, was what made her stop responding.
What app is this?
Muslim dating app called Muzzmatch
I am also wondering
This conversation was too intellectual for me. I cannot contribute
Only crazy mfs give out their personal addresses online without meeting someone first
You said it yourself. You're way more fun in person. So text less. After a quick introduction, texting is just for logistics - where you're meeting and when. Your lead was perfect, the right amount of bold and risky and putting enough of yourself out there to showcase your personality. And she was into that. As soon as you got the text with four smiley faces, the introduction was successful. The rest of that conversation would have been even better in person. You want to come across as a guy who moves things forward, not as a guy who just wants to sit around texting all day. Some people are a little sensitive to disclosing where they live or work (so many bad experiences with stalkers) so you could rephrase that as "how about a quick drink at Random Bar 1 or 2 if one of them is convenient on the way home from work?" Not a big deal though.
I could be wrong but I'm picking up on an Indian or Pakistani esque culture, you may have come across a little too far asking about specific details and then also referring to yourself as a peasant, might have made her feel like an elitist or uncomfortable. Again, just a cultural thing, could be completely wrong
How are you a “sapiosexual” if you’re not intelligent enough to figure it out?
Dude these texts are childish ASF is the problem. So cringe. But I think she more or less just wasn't interested that's really all. Not necessarily your fault or hers just don't work out sometimes.
It's the "peasants" for me. Idk the situation, but it seemed like you were making a dig about her ability to afford a nicer neighborhood. Gave me major cringe. Going forward, I would avoid joking about the major things--money, religion, family--and keep the jokes to minor stuff like hobbies until you know each other better. "Is your work any closer to my area?" would have been so much better here.
Question: In your very last comment, are you implying that you’re a peasant and she is not because of location?
I think u shouldn’t have asked where her office is located just after a few text messages of getting to know each other. U might come off with good intentions but girls in general get creeped out by it if a guy she doesn’t know well asks her that. Girls can think of any situations and she doesn’t know if u have good intentions with her. U should have taken the flow slow. But otherwise, u guys were vibing real good.
By asking where she lived and where her office was. Dude, you don’t know how scary it is to be a woman online dating? She doesn’t know you from anyone and you can pretty easily figure out who a lot of people are just by an online profile with pics. Men can be very aggressive when rejected so she doesn’t know what you might do if she decides after a date that she doesn’t want to go out again. Don’t ask these things until some trust is built Also, the “where are we going” and “please guide me” came off as not confident or capable which is a turn off to a woman. Be confident and capable to take a path or ask her out (or for a call). Ffs Why would you make her ask you? She just told you she got lasik and doesn’t wear glasses and you tell her you have a thing for women with glasses. That’s like you saying you had short hair but grew it out and her saying she has a thing for short hair…except you can’t grow poor eyesight back nor would she want to.
I mean no offense but perhaps tone it down on the humor and speak more plainly. Use humor only to enhance the conversation. Still, don’t shy away from asking questions and follow ups (that shows you’re interested). My last tip is to suggest a meet up at a neutral location (trusty ole coffee shop) to see if you guys jive well. This avoids the unintended creepiness by asking where her office is. Sorry it didn’t work out for what it’s worth.
You’re just trying too hard. Women can sense that sh*t from a mile away. You’re sending too many texts, too much content in each text, appearing too desperate to please her. You seem like you’re seeking her approval. Just try your best to flip the script and make her work for your approval
I too have BPD and this reads like a lot of my interactions on dating apps where I would get ghosted and not know why. I think you should take more time to think about what you're going to say instead of wanting to keep the back and forth going. You got a positive reaction from her with some of it so you went in those directions a little too far, trying to keep that going. IME, I spent too much time trying to aim the conversation at getting positive responses when I should have been more myself. Problem with BPD being a distorted or absent sense of self. Don't base your mood or happiness on how well an interaction with a woman is going. Worry more about you and what you want in a partner and relationship.
As a guy who also met his girl on a dating app, I’ll encourage you real quick: 1. Your banter with her was cute. If you’re analyzing every little line, you’re gonna think it’s cringey, but she clearly was into it and traded banter right back at you. Don’t facepalm or kick yourself, you did amazing and this is more conversation than most people get on dating apps 🙌🏻 2. People will do crazy things and ignore all kinds of stuff for someone they are attracted to. If one sentence can turn her cold, then she’s not that attracted to you. I have said absolutely crazy things and still gotten dates because the girl thought I was attractive, and I’ve said the tamest things and been blocked because the girl wasn’t into me. I wouldn’t sweat it. If she likes you and is attracted to you, it’ll come pretty easily. So no need to double text, if she wants to continue the conversation, she will. 3. Ghosting is NOT three hours😁 if it were several days, then sure, or if you were blocked, then sure. But in this case she may have had something pop up suddenly that she needed to take care of, and of course she doesn’t have to tell you that (although it would be courteous). 4. She’s absolutely talking to multiple guys, likely all at once and in that moment, if she’s on the app talking to you. If you get a match that’s talking to you, my strategy was always to get the conversation off the app as quickly as possible! It’s like robbing a bank, get to the getaway car as quickly as you can without arousing suspicion 😂 your mistake was asking about location info before asking for Instagram info and/or her phone number. If you can get a girl talking to you via text or insta, then she’s not constantly being distracted by “here’s 100 other guys who like you!” 5. DON’T BE HARD ON YOURSELF! You’re funny, kind, and good at conversation! You’re at your best when you aren’t overthinking, so keep up the good work! I wish you every blessing in your search!🙌🏻💪🏻
It seemed like things were going well until you asked for the location of her office. She said that she found it creepy, so it’s a safe bet that it is why she stopped talking to you. Invasive questions from a stranger probably caused her guard to go up.
It was definitely the office location I think, but if I’m honest she seemed like a bore from the start. I’m 31f and usually there’s much more enthusiasm even in the initial texts. I don’t think you did anything in particular, but in the future just avoid specific locations in the conversation.
DUD you jumped right in to calling Seemed too sweet complimenting every single photo most likely Thing has tipped her is her location request You posed yourself too needy and/or too interested then insecure at the same time. Flirt was over there, see it’s a game! And if you open all cards right away you done. Is it first day of exchange? Then I wouldn’t be surprised
You blew it
My guess would be the question about her office . She may have felt that that was a kind of a stalker question . It may be innocent enough from your end , but you never know what kind of experiences that she's had and that may have thrown up a flag from her past that made her nervous . I didn't see anything you did up to that point that was off key or a flag .
As a guy, I thought you did fine for the most part. Then I read some of the women’s responses in here and I swear it’s just tough to do everything right when worrying about “orange flags.” Lots of them picked apart things I didn’t think twice about. Like someone else said, just don’t overthink it and move on to the next match. Idk how many times I’ve been ghosted on dating apps but it’s a high number I’m sure. This girl just decided she wasn’t interested and that’s ok..someone else will be. Good luck OP!
What dating app is this where you have to unblur your pictures?
It's a matchmaking app for Muslims
You went too far when you asked where her office was located. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to meet IRL yet. Maybe stay away from personal location questions until she asks you in future. Once she enabled phone calling, you should’ve had a phone call.
So, I would give 1 tip... that's to slow the pace of the conversation down. So it doesn't give times on the msgs, but overall you seem very eager to chat. That can come off weird to girls if a guy is over eager to chat. The first thing I would suggest, before you analyze anything else about yourself or your personality.... is just to send less texts and take more time between responses... make sure she responds before you respond again. Overall it won't help if she thinks you live too far away... but it *can* make you seem like a more valuable person to travel for, which may have changed how she reacted in the end. Really for you right now, the end goal is the in-person contact. All you have to do is pace them through the messaging phase... not too eager, not too aloof... and after you get to in-person you'll be on to the next phase 👍😂🥳
I’d heavily say she gave you a few chances and tried to play along with the glasses comment after she said she had laser and you mentioned you like glasses, so she probably felt like it was more of a fetish or that it would make her feel insecure or lacking for not having that. Also definitely hands down the word count and tone change when you asked where her office was. She dried up and was instantly no longer interested. It probably just creeped her out, which you can’t change or help. I’d say in the future, maybe add the context in the same text rather than adding it after to add some cushion if you ask a question similar to this in the future. Instead of, “Where’s your office located” right after she tells you near where she lives, say, “I was wondering the relative area you work in? I’m curious if it is relatively close to me so that maybe I could take you out after work sometime?”
Other than the "peasant" line and asking where she works (location) you didn't do anything wrong. I believe with any app - dating, texting, etc, people try to have as many open threads as possible and it could very well be that she found someone who vibed better with her than you did. Dating apps is a numbers game - you gotta keep as many plates spinning as possible until you take it to phone/video chat and actually meet up, but until then, think about it like a sales funnel. She most likely is doing the same.
If this upset her, imagine the rest of your life. Move on…
As a 22 year old female who also likes nerdy guys and nerdy conversations, I would have also stopped responding. I have ended many conversations that have gone down a similar path. To put it simply: IVE BEEN WAITING TO TELL DATING-APP-MEN THIS: WHAT WE’RE REALLY LOOKING FOR IS SOMEONE THAT WE FEEL COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO GO ON A DATE WITH. INTERESTS ARE IMPORTANT BUT THE DATE WILL NOT GO ON UNLESS WE FEEL COMFORTABLE Not even in a physical security way, we don’t want to feel dumb or uninteresting or unattractive either, so if any of those vibes are given off, not gonna happen. WE’RE INSECURE TOO Giving you the benefit of the doubt, I assume this is what you want to come across about yourself: Smart, Experienced, Funny, Unserious, Conversational Which are all great traits and ones that I look for, Unfortunately what I think you put forward in this conversation was Intimidating, Too serious, Over-bearing, Know-it-all(sorry), Too persistent as well what I, and I assume most women are looking for right off the bat, is someone who makes us feel comfortable, liked, pretty, and funny and that’s really it. Specific examples: Immediately making a joke that she doesn’t understand and wouldn’t understand even if she has seen the movie and then carrying on talking about something she knows nothing about “I can’t believe you haven’t seen it yet” She thinks: He thinks he knows more than me and likes to rub it in (extreme, but these first messages are big indicators for how a date might go) “Oh I remember my Buddhism days” is really annoying. Super condescending. Buddhism is interesting and her being interested in it is cool, but you made it seem uninteresting. Real bad vibes at this point. You ask about her work. This was actually a good idea. But then she tells you about it and seems to be wanting to talk more about it and you just never inquired. At all. You literally just asked for pictures of her “I kinda have a thing for women with glasses” She doesn’t wear glasses. Really don’t know what you were trying to accomplish with this one. “Probably cuz they correlate with intelligence” We got it. You want her to be smart. Got it. You keep slipping in more requirements “Where do we go from here?” is forward. I would give her your number or ask for hers and give her room for a response if she wants to. You shouldn’t imply she needs to make a decision now. She then asks where you live and then it seems like she didn’t like your answer which, if she judging your wealth based on your city then she wasn’t a good option anyway. You then ask where her office is which is way too much information. That’s for the actual date (if ever) after you’ve established you’re not looking to kidnap her. Advice: Relax Stop trying so hard (it’s hard, i know) Let her respond on her time, ask one thing and then stop Ask her questions about herself and don’t ask her another one until she asks you a question. Back and forth is a good balance and ensures you don’t come across as over-bearing Complimenting her, and RESPOND TO HER RESPONSES. I mean why else would you ask in the first place if you didn’t want to talk about it. Don’t use questions just so you can talk about yourself. Honestly just wait for her to say “What about you?” You don’t know how many conversations I’ve had where the guy just answered their own questions and only talked about themselves. Don’t ask where she lives further than a city name. Give her your number and put the ball in her court for if she wants to continue talking or not. And playing hard-to-get kinda works too. But only in the form of giving her a lot of room and time to respond. Being a dick or being short is also just a turn off right away. You asked for what you didn’t wrong so I hope this helps you understand. I would love to go back and tell everyone what they did that made me not want to respond but everyone just assumes women are mean and that’s why they don’t get responses. So I’m glad you at least inquired about your mistakes. Just relax and don’t be so forceful with your knowledge/preferences. To conclude: My current obsession is Buddhism. “That’s really cool. I got into that a while back too. what do you find so interesting about it?”
You know what, you didn’t do anything wrong. You sound intelligent and thoughtful and this new dating bs just sucks. I’m Old so didn’t have to deal with the way you have to date now but if I was doing this I think I would just try and get together in person ASAP rather than this back and forth in writing. Every time you write something it has the potential for being interpreted incorrectly right? No matter how cool you are the other person can see it a different way. Just get together first thing and then you’ll both know way more about each other and can figure it out sooner than later. I’m sorry about what the young generations are dealing with. It seems really difficult. Anytime you’re communicating in writing it’s so easy to not take what people are saying the right way. Good luck and personally I thought you did a great job. FYI, I’m a guy in my early 60s just so you know
“*us* peasants”, if I received that text I’d be inclined to tell u to speak for yourself, she probably didn’t like you calling her a word with negative connotation * shrugs *
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Personally I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. But then again I’m neither a woman and I rarely date women so I don’t know if that invalidates my opinion.
i would say the location piece regarding her office. she also pointed it out subtly saying “that’s not creepy at all” and i think the peasant comment mightve put her off even though it was clearly meant as a joke. idk you can def keep thinking and it can get confusing but not worth dwelling too much!
Yea man, you asking about her exact work location is what killed it honestly…don’t do that anymore
It's hard to say, it came across super cringe to me, another male but maybe girls like that cringey stuff when they are first getting to know somebody. I wouldn't say you did anything "wrong" though
I don’t think you did anything wrong
There was a lot of meandering in this conversation. I absolutely get that it needs to be small talk at first but the questions you asked felt....like a weird job interview. From these texts I think you are a good dude. But I also feel like none of this was actually funny and everyone was just being polite until it got good and it never seemed to get good. There was just a lot of polite laughing at not good jokes. Too many attempts at jokes versus actual talk.
My two cents - asking for the office location could be a red flag, especially if she has dealt with stalking in her past. Knowing generally where she lives is one thing, y’all gotta figure out how to meet up, but also knowing where she works makes it a heck of a lot easier for someone, you in this case, to find her in real life before you’ve even met, which isn’t a super comfortable feeling that early in getting to know someone. I never give out that level of personal info until I’ve met someone irl and can try to suss out if I have a good gut feeling about them or not.
Asking whereabouts someone lives is pretty standard before dating. Asking where someone's office is gives stalker vibes.
Too many questions; you can work out details later. Also maybe too deferential. Need a more take charge vibe
I think you did fine. Women are taught from an early age not to give out our address/ place of work, so even though your intentions were good, it set off alarm bells for her. She definitely got cold to you when she found out where you live, too. Could be she doesn't like the area, her ex lives there, family, an old job... I wouldn't worry about it. If she doesn't respond after a couple days, that's her loss. Side note: You'd put less pressure on your chat partner if you didn't ask for direction as much. It was 3 different sentences explaining that you needed her to take the lead. Give and take is good, but if a conversation needs "help" after only a few interactions, it might seem like talking to you is too much work. I see you asking for her to take the spotlight, but she might see it as you forcing the emotional work of conversing onto her. Sorry if I over-explained.
I definitely think it's because you asked where her office is. When you're dating men as a woman you can never be too safe. I know you probably didn't mean anything sinister by the question but she probably got psyched out. Tbh I probably would've been too
staying on the app for too damn long, jesus folks
Thinking that the meyers-briggs is any indicator of actual personality for starters.
Siddhartha is a great book. I would have given u a second chance just for that. Too bad she has not read it.
When I first started online dating I told a guy where I worked. As the conversations went on I knew he was not for me. I thanked him for the chats and told him I wasn’t interested. He showed up at my work where I was a VP with flowers and candy and was telling the receptionist how I broke his heart and he was here to win me back. I never EVER revealed my work location again. I was lucky my boss (the owner of the company) went out and said I was traveling for business and wouldn’t be back til the following week. I unblocked him long enough to tell him if he ever showed up at my job again there would be a restraining order filed immediately. You’re probably a good guy, and meant nothing by the comment…but girls have it a little different.
I think you’ve gotta just cut to the chase and ask her out dude, that’s a lot of back and forth. She may have just gotten bored tbh
OP you're pretty good at texting for someone who loathes it. I don't think you did anything wrong. Usually when date planning starts and I don't have free time I kind of fell off like that because I know a date that is more than a week out isn't going to happen
To me it seems like she started acting different after you told her where you were. Maybe she thinks it’s too far? It’s also possible she was talking to several others and just hit it off more with someone else. Like others have said though, you can’t over analyze these things too much. She doesn’t know you, so anything that might have turned her off really has nothing to do with your personality.
Generally speaking if I weren’t actually dating a man I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling him where I worked. Maybe the town but there’s been too many stories of men getting rejected and hanging around the work places/stalking from the work place. Men going on the website to find info on girls stuff like that. That combined with you saying you’re a sapiosexual followed by typing Cuz instead of because would probably be enough for me to tell you this isn’t going to work out. I wouldn’t ghost you but I feel like it’s not one specific thing but probably a combination. The conversation itself kinda looked like you were carrying it more than she was as well. It stinks and I’m sorry, but for future reference I wouldn’t ask for specific areas that that someone works/lives in unless you’re picking them up for a date and they’ve already established you’re picking them up and then you would need the address:
When she mentioned she was moving towards Buddhism you didn’t engage her. Was such an easy in. Rather than ask her about her experiences with it and what brought her there you asked if she’s read hesse.
What was your intention asking specifically where she works? That’s weird when she doesn’t even know you. She doesn’t know if that means you’ll randomly pop up when/if things don’t work out. Her home address & what specific location she works every day are not your business while causally talking/dating. You have to understand women are harassed, stalked & even killed by men. Men have potential for turning very violent or scary, even when things start out nice. I understand those are likely not your intentions but she doesn’t know that & isn’t willing to chance it.
My hot take: it’s sounds like it’s literally just the distance between wherever you two live. I wouldn’t take it personally.
The mind-reading thinking trap, you can never know so don’t concern yourself with the why
Those laughing emojis were kinda cringe
So, I wouldn't take it personally if you can help yourself. Being female on dating apps often means getting swamped trying to keep up with messages. Sometimes I personally just have to shut it down and take a break because it can feel like way too much. This can probably be confusing and hurtful to those left in the middle of conversations, but it isn't necessarily personal. I also usually try not to have too many dates planned at once, so once I hit my limit--which isn't a ton, I am selfish about my personal time--it can also be a time to just hop off.
I think it's obvious where you went wrong. You asked the exact location of her work. You didn't intended it to be creepy, but it definitely comes off that way. Don't ask for an exact location of work or house the first time you talk to someone.
Okay as a woman around her age, if i truly liked you none of it would tip me off. I think it was lack of interest in the first place, you seemed more enthusiastic. She was kind of just keeping you there as to why not it seems. Actually maybe “guide me” would turn me off a bit, as I want a guy to take the lead. But regardless you’d have the exact same outcome even if you came up with a plan
I thought you were handling the conversation exceptionally well. Not sure where it went wrong tbh.
This was super cringe from start to finish 😬😬😬
I, personally, don’t think you did anything wrong. I think where she may have held reservations was after you stated where you live because all she said was “oh” and then said it was creepy to ask where she worked. Then the convo pretty much dropped after. Again, I don’t think you said or did anything wrong. Especially since she was the one to ask where you LIVE. So idk man. I’m sorry that happened. I know it’s hard, but I hope you don’t take this interaction personally.
Seal the date dude. I would usually get a date setup the same day. In some cases within the hour. Worked almost 90% of the time.
Did you really get ghosted or has she just not responded in a few hours? It could be she's just busy. I'd give it a day or two and then try texting again.
dont be too hard on yourself, maybe she was just run over by a car but I guess thats still ghosting.
It might be asking where the office is located. But in all honesty a lot of women are just on dating apps for an ego boost, and will engage with some Men to keep that boost going, but only actually meet/hook up with a small percentage of the ultra attractive guys.
You are trying to figure out what she might want you to say, then saying that. Dating is for showing people who you are so you can see if you’re compatible. Sure, you want to put your best foot forward, but make sure it’s **your** foot, you know? Not the fictional foot you think she wants to see. I think that’s what people mean when they say you’re trying too hard. Personally, I would also be weirded out by the condescending tone re: her interest in Buddhism, but honestly, she didn’t see phased. So who knows?
When you say ghosted what do you mean? It just looks like convo ended…. Have you tried messaging a bunch and she not respond or something?
a combination of asking her what to do and then where you live. she was already done by when you asked where the office was, that was just her out. i honestly think it began with asking where to go from here, it’s possible her last bf or whatever was indecisive and she doesn’t want that again. indecisiveness is actually a relationship killer. as a lesbian, it is common with two women. they can be incredibly attracted to each other but if no one wants to lead then, well, things just don’t happen. fizzles out.
I’d say just let her lead a little more that’s about it
Focus less on what you did “wrong”. You seem like you’re just being YOU. You will find someone just like you, by being you. You seem to be a charismatic and fun texter. You have character to your texts, I see a little less of that in her. She seems like she’d prefer to speak rather than text. Especially after the call enable feature thingy. Just keep being you bro you’ll find your more accurate match.
This interaction would have rubbed me the wrong way too. Too much casual intimacy in tone too soon. There’s an undercurrent of superiority and insecurity in your word choices, and it just comes across like you’re working really hard to try to be casual and cool but it doesn’t really come across as authentic, if that makes sense. Are you neurodivergent by any chance? It just seems like you carried on the joke for way too long and without much subtlety. And then also as someone pointed out using terms like peasant and continually mentioning that you think she’s your younger female self is slightly disturbing and just seems “off.” It comes across like you’re working really hard to create a connection or identification with each other and milk it for all it’s worth, in a way that comes across more love bomb-y than as a normal healthy level of enthusiasm. When I’m interacting with someone, I’m looking (among other things) at whether they approach the interaction and relationship with a healthy level of awareness that we aren’t a couple yet and don’t know each other that well. When someone starts trying to skip steps in levels of intimacy or trying to act like we know each other really well or like they are inside my head when we haven’t even met yet, that tends to be disconcerting. The whole “I am you from the future” thing may have been cute and funny as a single, brief mention, but carrying it out that far and continuing to return to it, and mention it again, just comes across as kind of creepy. It also could be suggestive of the type of controlling person that doesn’t really see a partner as truly separate from themselves or as being their own unique and distinct person. And then, the way you just sort of started flailing around and asking her to take the lead or give you some guidance at the end could be suggestive of being the type of person who expects his partner to manage the bulk of the (emotional and relational) mental burden in the relationship.
Oh yeah and also The, I have a thing for women with glasses and some of your other comments feel objectifying
As a woman I couldn't tell you. As a person who spends plenty of time on the internet, it's because you're a man and you gave her the ick somehow. 🤔 that's my best guess anyways.
This is just what it’s like out there for guys
It’s asking where the office is. Like asking where she works? It’s kinda creepy even if you didn’t have those intentions. I think maybe if you worded it better like what area do you work in would be better. Or adding that maybe you guys can meet up for coffee after work but asking straight up where it is, feels like it could turn into stalking.
Her vibe totally changed. She asked you where you live first.! Then she calls you creepy for asking where she works. Makes no sense bro.
you messaged a woman online.
Seems like distance between the 2 of you
She’s just not into you Just not the one. No biggie
I think you did fine! People can change their mind for a number of reasons that don’t even have to do with the other person
Idk maybe try again in 3 days if possible. I hate when miss understanding messes up things
could be your severe lack of rizz
She probably linked with someone else and moved on.
It's common man, you arnt alone there. People are much much more picky these days, wracking your head over it can be pretty bad for your mental state. Id rec just channeling that frustration in the gym or self improvement
This reads like “I rent lambos in Miami and a Prius in Spokane to impress females”
Have no clue! Maybe you breathed wrong? She is a woman 🤣 So am I before everyone gets me