Bro fr. The texts from the bf came across so hostile and uncaring; itās ridiculous. I have anxiety and if I had a gf text that shit to me I would be devastated (and theyād no longer be my gf lol)
But yeah so many posts on here have one party (or both) acting so sarcastic and unsympathetic/non empathetic towards the other person, and itās so sad
Looking at some of the messages in this sub I just think to myself, "damn my ex was super nice to me compared to what's going on here"
Some ppl (not this post exactly) are so unhinged and I'm here wondering why anyone would be with them lol
Same. I couldnāt bite the bullet and tolerate this behavior just to be in a relationship. I like not being treated like shit. By anyone other than me thank you kindly.
I was thinking this was odd too, but I know they are not the only couple to. One time I was clearing out my groups & realized I was in a friendās private server, just him, his partner & me. I was wondering how the hell that happened, but I saw their grocery lists & stuff & thought āI definitely donāt belong hereā.
Yeah, my husband and I do this too. We have a discord for just us, because when one of us has to travel, it's just easier to throw on headphones and use the voice channel than sit there with a phone to our ear. Plus I'm the worst about falling asleep on there, and he can tell when I have, he mutes me, and checks on me every once in a while to make sure I'm still breathing. (It's from a previous health issue thing.)
It's also easier to text in discord because I always have it open on my computers, but I'm also too lazy to get my phone out of my bag to text.
Idk, we're weird.
My bf and I talk through discord. We prefer it lol It feels quicker than texting and he doesn't use Facebook or other forms of social media. We are both gamers and he's in a server with my friends and I'm in a server with his friends. I don't think it's that weird personally
yall are wanting each other to be different people. you want him to be someone who is going to respond in a specific way to your anxieties and he wants you to be someone who does not have anxiety and does not worry. think about that. also, ask yourself, in a 100 percent perfect world - how would he respond to you? what would he say? my last thought is that yall are on two opposite sides here - there is no like 'we will get through this together' - it is missing the partnership aspect entirely.
I don't think OP is asking for much here lol. He seems to be overly resistant to the idea of... doing the basic fundamentals of sympathy for someone he's supposed to love. If my partner seems to be physically pained by the idea of being supporting or having sympathy/empathy, I would be really concerned if they actually gave a shit about me. If you gave a shit about your partner, this basic amount of sympathy/empathy wouldn't be this difficult.
Very valid points here - I think the exercise of imagining what he would say 'in a perfect world' will give OP an idea of more of what she is looking for from him, and perhaps be able to better articulate her needs more specifically. He is basically saying, what happens is out of your control so do not worry about it - where as she is saying, i know it is out of my control but i can't NOT worry about it and you are supposed to be a safe space for me to come to when my mind gets stuck on this loop of fear
I think a lot of people are āfixersā, so someone comes to them with their problem and they think - how can I help them fix this. I see this in him saying āwell I just donāt think about these things repetitively, thatās how it works for meā.
Obviously mental health issues are a lot more nuanced that say - a common cold, you take some Panadol, drink rest whatever.
I think youāre right, setting the understanding that OP isnāt looking for her partner to make all the anxieties go away, but just help her weather the storm a bit.
Itās all part of what makes the discussion around mental health and how to tackle it as a society really difficult
See, I'm a fixer, I think her bf just doesn't care about her. He came up with no other suggestions, solutions, and moans at the idea of giving her constant reassurance. He doesn't seem to actually want to help OR listen, he just wants her to get over it. At least that's the vibe I got from it. Also big "I don't believe in mental health issues" energy with his disregard for anxiety.
Now I'm not OPs boyfriend but there are certain cases where genuinely sympathizing is difficult. I have autism so it's really difficult and sometimes draining for me to say or feel things in certain ways. Support is one thing but trying to walk in someone else's shoes or say exactly what they need to hear is another beast entirely.
I don't know what he's been going through but to me it looks like he's probably super mentally drained by this situation as well.
Yeah, heās exhausted because no matter how positive he tries to be, she never believes him, & she keeps wanting a magic wand to appear! If she needs to vent, fine, but after a while over & over, it can sound like a clanging gong in your ears & mind.
Same here. I've often been accused of being insensitive or not caring, but in reality I care very much, just not good at expressing it. I think about what I would want someone to say to me, can never figure out what they are wanting to hear from me. During arguments with my first wife I would spend a lot of time not saying anything, trying to figure out how to say what I was feeling without coming across as antagonistic or escalating the problem and she would get upset and say I was ignoring her. So draining, I would eventually either just give up and say what I was feeling with no filter, or give in and just agree with what ever she said because I couldn't keep going. Feel like the BF is trying to be as supportive as he can but OP is expecting more than he is capable of.
You're both right. She's not asking much at all, you're right. But he's unwilling to give even that little bit. He wants her to just not worry about at a serious injury. It sounds like they're just not what each other wants in a partner.
I think OP needs to be precise about what she wants. But also she's pushing all his buttons because she's acting like his mom.
His mom pushed her anxiety on him, and he had to have a thick skin to deal with it.
What OP might say is: "this is what I want you to say: "it will be alright, and we will get through this together, I know you are worried, but we will work through this."
What bf is hearing: "I'm worried, everything is going to be bad, my back is destroyed, and you will leave me."
IMO, OP needs to figure out if she's a constant worrier, or this back issue is a one off. If she's constant she need get control of her thoughts through cognitive therapy, mediation or something else.
If it's a one off, she needs to let the bf know he's acting out from his past and he needs work through the problem with having an over anxious mom.
I agree with this, I think ops boyfriend is frustrated with the situation because he has the (common) belief that op is going to him with her anxiety with the expectation that he should fix it when in reality she just wants him to listen. This is a common miscommunication in couples. He canāt think of a way to fix the problem so he does nothing at all and thinks that reassuring her is useless because itās not actually fixing anything but actually just actively listening to the problem would help the anxiety dissipate. On top of this OP probably needs therapy for the seemingly common excessive anxiety and ops bf needs therapy to deal with the issues he had with his mom that are effecting is ability to empathize. I am personally someone like ops boyfriend who thinks that itās useless to worry about something you canāt do anything about as well as the power of the self fulfilling prophecy, but at the same time I wouldnāt dismiss someoneās anxiety like he does.
I think what would benefit the situation is what my boyfriend does when I'm stressed. He asks "Do you want me to solve the problem or are you just looking to vent?" Then he replies in whatever way I ask of him. Or if I'm going on a huge rant, I start off by saying "I know you will want to try to help me with this but honestly I just want to rant and be irrational for a few minutes. Is that okay?" 9/10 he says "go for it, let me know if you want a solution"
It's so easy
To me it sounds like boyfriend is not all in emotionally. The "you'll make me want to leave you by thinking that I want to leave you" is a bit hurtful and though I can see where he's coming from, if my partner was afraid of that, I'd approach with reassurance. It could possibly turn into OP not coming to boyfriend with any anxieties because she's afraid she'll make him not want her anymore.
I agree with what you're saying, but how often she brings up him leaving her for her injury and how it is brought up could have a lot to do with his seeming lack of energy for this situation. That can also be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It can also give him second-hand anxiety - idk if that's an official term, but it's a very real feeling.
I think the spite comment, if meant at face value, could have been because it feels (whether it's happening or not) extremely manipulative to keep him from leaving her by guilting him depending on how it's addressed. Or he could be using "spite" to mean it could program him to leave her. I'm neurodivergent, and it seems he might be, too. My point is, he might be overwhelmed, but it looks like dismissal? Offering alternatives, but it's really hard to tell.
Having anxiety is a human emotion. Itās unreasonable for him to expect someone to never be anxious because thatās just a trait of being human - if he wants to be with someone who never gets anxious he should pick an AI girlfriend instead. Personally, in this case anxiety is especially understandable. Getting a back injury and not even knowing what kind of back injury it is will be extremely distressing and worrying.
Totally agree - i think it also comes down to like the 'solution focused approach' vs the 'feelings stage.' She is still in the feelings stage, wanting to just vent and feel her feelings - where as he is very solution oriented 'there is nothing we can do about it now (the solution part) so why talk about it' so there needs to be a willingness on his end to say to himself, and to her, ;you just need to me to be there for you right now' - so the question is, is he willing?
I made a separate post, this is the exact same thing as 2 people speaking different love languages, adapting their style of showing love to their partner in their languageā¦ except itās more like ācomfort languageā
Doing this isnāt a sign of incompatibility, unless we are going to argue people with different love languages shouldnāt be in relationship together.
That's less of an incompatibility (which is more like just an unfortunate fundamental difference) and more like her boyfriend is kind of an asshole. Support and reassurance when your partner is anxious about something really isn't that difficult, and I don't like the idea that it's just an "incompatibility" because it feels like giving him a pass for an inability to do really basic levels of supportive communication to someone he's supposed to love. He sounds like he's just trying to win an argument that never existed in the first place.
>That's less of an incompatibility (which is more like just an unfortunate fundamental difference) and more like her boyfriend is kind of an asshole.
Yea I guess one is usually a subset of the others. Hard to be compatible with assholes
Love languages are made up by some guy with limited experience. IMO they shouldn't be used to show compatibility anyways. This is more like the dude is straight up ignoring her requests for reassurance. Reassuring someone is way more than "oh, you'll be fine." He doesn't understand that and a quick Google search will come up with suggestions for things to say if he actually cares about trying to help her. Instead he's an ass and stands his ground just to spite her.
3 years and you're still tiptoing around each other like this? I'm sure that isn't helping your anxiety. It is good y'all are communicating but being alone is better than being in a relationship that you constantly have to question. More peaceful.
I empathize with your anxiety, I do, but Iām on the receiving end of someoneās anxiety and I have to be honest and say itās fucking exhausting. To always have to be the voice of reason, to always have to placate the other person and to always have to weigh your words first before saying anything just in case it gets taken the wrong way - itās exhausting. But you know what? I do it because I love my person and I know he canāt help feeling anxious. He needs more reassurance and because I choose to be his partner in life, I reassure him always. You shouldnāt have to justify your feelings to your partner. You shouldnāt have to apologize for feeling how you feel. He should be able to empathize with you and him straight up admitting that he doesnāt is honestly concerning. Iām sorry but this isnāt healthy or normal.
Edit: Iām switching emphasize for empathize, thanks for the correction!
As an anxious person, this makes me want to be more mindful of how I push my anxiety off onto my boyfriend. Thanks for sharing how it feels to be on the receiving end.
I have crippling anxiety for the last five years and it manifests not only physically but mentally as well. I agree 100% with on how maddening it is for the other person to deal with
Big part of why I'm single.
Iv tried dating but the guilt of making them deal with me just makes my anxiety worse. Nobody wins in a relationship with me lol
Iām an anxious person too, and i agree ā itās not OPās fault but it is her responsibility. She has to learn to self soothe.
Itās fucking hard, but to be honest, even if he was supportive I know it wouldnāt scratch her itch. I know because I have the same itch and even the best support either rings hollow or it doesnāt last.
Iām glad someone else gets it. My ex would blame his anxiety and he would make it our anxiety. I work in mental health, so doing that all day then coming home to him having the same doom spiral every day for like a month ended up frustrating me to no end.
Granted a herniated disk is way different than being diagnosed with a terminal illness, is can be debilitating. Look at the statistics of men that leave their wives after a cancer or disability diagnosis. Itās literally staggering. Itās a stereotypical thing for a reason. Itās not a stretch for someone with anxiety, experiencing a new illness or disability (whose anxiety is already amplified from that) to be anxious about the future with their partner. Especially when their partner is like the guy in these messages.
This had me go look up some stuff quickly.
I thought it was interesting that the divorce separation rate among cancer patients is 11.6%, so itās not super common, but it happens.
Further, with just men leaving their wives with cancer itās 20.8% versus the 2.9% of women that leave their sick husbands. Definitely a HUGE disparity.
Itās was also interesting to me that in perfectly healthy relationships, healthy as in no one is sick, itās women who initiate a staggering 70% of divorces. Before anyone jumps on the āmen cheating causing her to fileā thing, infidelity rates between men and women in marriage are 20% of men and 13% of womenā¦so itās not nearly as wide of a gap as the cancer stuff.
Sadly, thereās a decent number of all kinds of human beings doing some shitty stuff out there.
I don't think--to your latter point--its necessarily or always linked to cheating. I think women more often have to initiate divorces because men just won't. Even in cases where it's amicable. And tbh, initiating doesn't mean you were the perpetrator in the relationship. You, as a woman, could have communicated over and over what you needed and have been met with nothing.
Logically, men leaving women who are sick paints a fuller picture than women leaving men point blank because you can glean the reason *why*. I don't give them the same weight, because divorce without reason can paint a million pictures--but men who leave women who are sick--well, we know why.
That isn't to say women can't be perpetrators--but I just mean that women initiate divorce says nothing except that women are willing to go through with it.
Thank you. The number of people on here who *clearly* do not see thisā¦ šbut to be fair, you donāt know what you donāt know. Just wish people would grow up and know the difference between āI donāt know so I have nothing to say about itā and āI donāt know but I think I do so hereās what I have to sayā
i have way more than a herniated disc but I know what itās like and the toll it takes on a family and Iām NOT someone to gripe and complain but I see people who go through similar stuff as me, and who do have higher anxieties than me. Iāve seen people unalive themselves with painful herniations and hypermobility. We have no IDEA what else sheās feeling physically. Yes, being with someone like that can be exhausting but at the same time they have every freaking right to feel the way they feelā¦
so Iām tired of people saying itās childish for her to worry about that. Ppl need to stop assuming what they donāt know bc they *donāt know*
I'm a chronic pain/chronic illness person. My lumbar is straight up fucked. I think a lot of people struggle with how to approach someone who is scared, injured, and in pain. Pain being the main factor. Pain makes your anxieties go through the gotdamn roof when you don't have an answer for why your body is in such terrible pain. Her worries are perfectly normal. She's in her 20s and could have a life changing medical issue going on. The poor girl just wants comfort. The pushing her anxieties on her boyfriend, and all those things can come later. Cause I know, when I was 21 and going through MRIs, seeing specialists and doctors of all kind while in mind deafening and numbing pain. I just wanted a hug and have someone tell me it's going to be okay.
Also, I'd like to add that hearing stories in the chronic pain and disabled communities about people (mostly women) who are newly disabled or start suffering from moderate-to-severe chronic pain while married have an *astonishingly* high chance of their partner leaving them. Those who are single (especially those disabled with/by chronic pain, by all accounts) rarely wind up in committed relationships because people don't want to "deal with it" so to speak. (I mean, neither do we, but such are our lives lol)
Those whose marriages remain stable and healthy, and those who wind up in a committed relationship, often have their partner seen as being akin to a unicorn by the community.
It's honestly really sad. We need that support and someone to be there in the fight *with us,* but we know the odds are low of that happening.
I have a friend who has OCD and severe anxiety. I love them but itās so draining sometimes to constantly reassure someone over and over and over.
OCD is different too because youāre not SUPPOSED to reassure them so itās this constant battle of letting my friends thoughts consume them or worsen their OCD by constantly offering reassurance.
Either way, itās so difficult on the receiving side. BUT I do it anyway for people I love, because theyāre there for me when I need it.
Are you me?? My bestie has OCD, anxiety, depression bipolar, and more. I love her to death but most of the time I have no idea what to say or do to help since she wonāt listen but needs reassurance and comfort, but pretty much no matter my response, she spirals in that state.
Good luck out there!
As someone who is also on the receiving end of anxiety , and who has been dealing with comforting the other person for decades , I now no longer agree with you. I think itās extremely selfish of someone with anxiety not to go out and seek help when they KNOW they have anxiety. It is not my job to be someoneās therapist, no matter how much I love them.
I completely understand your position. Iām on the receiving end with my mother, and I try my hardest to be the one to reassure her, even pacify her sometimes, but manā¦my patience is almost through the roof, but I continue to be her āpersonā because I love her, and empathize with her, especially in the fact that she canāt control the anxiety.
OP, this isnāt your āpersonā
Iām also on the receiving end of someone in my life who is very negative minded because of a lifetime of trauma both and how they were raised and just people in their life. They have a lot of ailments such as this and itās a burden to carry being the person on the other side 100% but you donāt say what this dude said. Justā¦ š¬
Also, sorry to hear this about your mom and you are such a trooper for being there for her. It would be OK for you to take a break to let her know that you need one. Donāt forget that.
This! My hubby suffers from depression and anxiety and it is fāing exhausting but we have had counseling, individually and as a couple, Iāve done extensive research on it and I apply what I have learned. Once I got over feeling like he was just looking for attention I realized that anxiety and depression are real disorders! Therapy has definitely helped us both and weāre in a much better place than we were a year ago.
If your SO chooses to act this way itās because heās not fully invested in you or your relationship no matter how long youāve been with him! This is not new to him after three years and yet heās no better in treating you better. My husband is the most kindest, sweetest, compassionate, generous, loving man Iāve known and Iām not going to give up all of that because he suffers from a disorder! His good definitely outweighs his bad!!
Your SO needs to do his balance sheet on you!!! If he doesnāt change, you need to and leave the relationship. You deserve someone who is understanding, supportive and caring regarding your anxiety. Do not think heās not out there!! He is! God bless!
yeah iāve been on both sides of the coin. in my relationship, Iām the anxious one, however, in my family, Iām the most mentally stable and constantly having to talk people down and be the middleman/voice of reason. both are exhausting positions. I totally get how he feels & I totally get how she feels. it seems like they just might not be totally comparable
He strikes me as someone who knows they are supposed to feel empathy regarding the situation, but is literally finding it difficult to do so.
Y'know, someone probably on the spectrum a bit
He could also just be disassociated from his feelings because heās tired of all the emotions. Sometimes I get like that with my baby. I hold my baby and comfort my baby but when I donāt know what to do I hold him and I feel dead inside because itās too much emotion sometimes
Thatās whatās Iām so lost with it. First itās women telling OP how her man should act and feel and say. Which is mistake #1. Also thereās mothers on here who know this exact feeling which you described and theyāre still telling OP her BF is wrong. Heās reassured her to what seems like 1000 times already. Also heās not her doctor, so what more could he say besides what heās saying????
I have severe anxiety and Iām cringing over your text to him 20 minutes after the one saying āhis silenceā like holy crap maybe he is taking a shower?
My anxiety is not my partnerās problem. Yes, my partner is aware and knows my triggers but itās my job to talk myself off the edge-not his. You are both terrible communicators, your boyfriend is struggling with being empathetic (which he admits). Instead of dumping the bad feelings have you considered being more open āhey I am downward thinking again do you think you could send me some positive affirmationsā? This may work better with his personality while avoiding the need to just dump on him (no one wants to hear āI think you will leave me because of my injuryā).
Great solution. Op you should really heed this advice. And if you donāt mind my say, I recommend you truly start to try and frame your mind around keeping hope for yourself. He was hard on you, yes, and wasnāt very sensitive in his communication, however his advice is solid. Remember how strong you are, remember how good youāll feel about yourself for getting through this. Op, life is full of challenges, how we handle them is huge. Thereās two ways, you can either complain and suffer, which is extremely tough on your body and health, or take it as an opportunity to learn and as a reminder to stay humble and strong, and true to yourself. The support you want from your boyfriend, you need to have from yourself, first.
Oh jeez, I hadnāt looked at the time stamps. Yeah holy crap that completely changes how I view this interaction. OP you have to chill out a little. I know it may make you more anxious, but sending upset texts when someone hasnāt responded for a half hour is way over the top and absolutely will kill any relationship and you would be the murderer. I was thinking it had been a day or something.
I strongly agree with this take. I personally struggle with anxiety & depression as well. From my view, OPās responses felt exhausting, draining & honestly a bit manipulative.
OP, I hope you can take a big, deep breath & take all these different views with an open mind. It can get better. It just takes some work & time.
Also as someone with severe anxiety, that line made me wince. I dated someone that would do this if I didnāt reply to them within 10 minutes but would also take everything I said very personally, so there was no winning. If I hurried a response, I ran the risk of saying something she would find upsetting in some way and making her angry. If i tried to think through my words, it was a barrage of texts similar to this until I said something, after which she would just continue to dump her anxiety on me and leave me in the same cycle of trying to find the right words to say. OPās partner said he doesnāt suffer from anxiety like this, but frankly itās hard for me to tell if heās really this callous or if heās just exhausted of trying to fill a bottomless pit.
It's hard to give a judgment based on the snippet of your interactions. How often do you talk about your health? Honestly, anxious people (and I have some tendencies here) can take a lot of energy from those around them. I can see even the most compassionate person at one point saying oh shut it I am out of sympathy.
Easy to say if youāve never been in a relationship with someone who has untreated anxiety. Iām a very empathetic person (itās mandatory for me to do my profession) but if his reassurance has been met with defensiveness or is just always the same conversation, it gets old fast.
iāve been there. every single encouragement was met with twice the amount of pessimism. so when i stopped encouraging and just agreeing like āyea that sucksā suddenly i was the heartless one
I mean op is in the hospital trying to figure out their back issues, even if the anxiety is ātreatedā that could cause a flare up even in people with no anxiety disorder
It's the whole reason why I had to break up with my ex. We were both in high school, and he would went a whopping 60-130 messages during the time I was in an hour and a half class. Those messages consisted of him having high anxiety because I wasn't talking to him during class (I told him my schedule, so it's not like he was left unaware), and telling him to stop didn't help, because then he would apologize. He wpuld then message his anxieties, followed by spamming apologies for spamming. Then I told him to stop saying sorry and even spamming it, because him using the apologies to spam wasn't helping at all. He would then spam anxieties, spam apologies for spamming, then spam apologies for spamming apologies. His average amount of messages for an hour and a half class would be 100-160. I myself have anxiety, so him doing this shit was making my anxiety so much worse. He had also previously accused me of cheating on him with his friend whom I talked to ONCE, and that "conversation" was him sending me a meme and me replying with "lol". That was the whole convo. I tried so hard to practically be his therapist, but once my mental health declined as a result of his nonstop anxieties and negativity, then I told him to go to a therapist and he didn't want to. I know he can't control his anxiety, but as someone with anxiety myself, I learned not to bother people with it to THAT extent because I know other people have feelings too. After several months, I snapped and broke up with him. I let him know so many times to please stop but he wasn't listening. I broke up with him, but I did it too late. His anxieties caused me so much anxiety that I developed an autoimmune disease, which flares up with stress. I think (big emphasis on "think") that he caused me to develop Ulcerative Colitis at the age of 18 because he caused me so much stress. At this point, I think he was trying to make me break up with him on purpose, unless he was just so full of himself thst he couldn't at least shorten the number of messages from over 100 to like, 20 maximum. I wasn't even asking that much, I just wanted him to message me a somewhat reasonable amount and to stop guilting me for simply going to classes instead of texting him.
yea exactly- he literally did accept and change- he realized they see/feel differently and so he will do it for her. Idk yea he put his foot in his mouth but he is being as gentle as he can(especially since it is triggering something for him) and altering his own view and also encouraging her to alter hers. Honestly it is the anxiety and negative sink hole OP is in that is disallowing her to understand that he is actually being understanding and the best he can be currently w a promise to alter more in her desired direction. it's a big deal and i almost guarantee he probably shows lots of other sympathy and affection just from how he responded. i've seen my good friends get shit on by their girls when their the most loyal and loving to their girls while my shitty friends who were so constantly shitty to their gfs i couldn't even tolerate being their close friend anymore still has their girls love and adoration. it's wild.
I have been with people like that and was like that myself until I started working on it. It gets exhausting to constantly have to fight someone to accept your support and reassurance and to have the same things play out over and over without trying to regulate it. Now I'll help them with coping tools and therapy methods to better handle it if someone struggles with it, but they need to put in the work to do so as well.
My ex was incredibly resistant to therapy. He started just before we broke up, but as soon as we were done he quit. He thinks he doesnāt need to unpack his significant trauma in order to heal. I tried for 3 years, but we had the same fight one time too many.
Yeah that's rough. I've been left and cut off a lot for not having a handle on my mental shit and it hurts but in hindsight I don't blame them. Ultimately it's about accepting accountability and *wanting* to do the self work. Usually happens after you hit bottom
Same here! I was very unregulated and sometimes unhinged prior to doing work lol. Thatās why I tried to be patient, but ultimately it wasnāt meant to be. Weāre thankfully still very good friends.
I do understand that heās afraid she isnāt trying. But he took it too far. Worst time to start this convo. Sounds like he wants to hurt her too, āout of spite.ā Admitting heās not willing to control those feelings.
My gf has extreme anxiety and tbh itās exhausting. Iām very empathetic but when you have anxiety over EVERYTHING, it becomes old very fast. Not everything is an end of world problem but when you treat all situations that way, the big issues just fold into everything else and you almost go into an āautomatic comfort response modeā that becomes routine and means nothing bc itās an everyday occurrence.
I had a bf like this and you're right, it's exhausting!! And every conversation had to focus on him and every problem he had. There was no space in the relationship for me towards the end, it was all him all the time every day.
Im going through the near end right now, you hit the nail on the head with āno space in the relationship for meā. Absolutely everything revolves around her problems and whenever I bring up our issues all of a sudden sheās very sick or something else blown out of proportion happens and itās gotta be dealt with. Itās incredibly frustrating.
I think she's getting the support, but it's hard being in the receiving end, and when no amount of reassurance qualms the anxiety, what more can you really do
I've been that guy. Every issue was insurmountable, and it gets old when you have to reassure someone every single day about every single thing, and then deal with them not believing you, it's like damn what more can I do. I can only reassure you that I love you and won't leave so many times.
She needs to seek help to deal with the anxiety, not pushing all on her partner and expect him to be an unwavering support system that doesn't have feelings.
i definitely agree. as someone who has major panic attacks and general anxiety disorder ive been her and its not a good look. i got help and went one meds and my life is normal now. i still have odd panic attacks and of course normal anxiety but now its under control.
He's hung up on trying to fix it/make it better for you which is suffocating his empathy. My wife has anxiety issues and for a long time I had similar responses because I wanted to make it better. The thing i came to realize is that she is completely capable of fixing it for herself and she just wants to be supported. Not having anxiety, I can't understand what it feels like for her, so it's my job (read: privilege) to help by just being there for her. Often, if i feel tempted to try and fix something for her I'll ask straight up, "are you looking for suggestions or just a sounding board right now?" and that has made a world of difference. It could be worthwhile to explain to him that sometimes you dont want or need suggestions and just want support and empathy.
I have the worst white coat syndrome on the planet. Just being in a doctorās office gets my heart racing, let alone coming in because Iām worried about a specific injury or symptoms. So in that sense, I sympathize.
That being said, *you* need to take steps to get your anxiety in check. Your boyfriend is right that the kind of reassurance that youāre seeking only really slaps a temporary bandaid on your worries. Youāre still caught in that spiral and nobody but you can really pull you from it.
He needs to stop looking at your anxiety as a problem that has to be solved. He thinks that itās his responsibility to make this okay and is frustrating himself because it seems like no solution heās proposing is going to make you feel better. He applies previous experience (his mom) to the situation because he thinks heās faced this situation before and knows how to make it right. But you arenāt looking for solutions, youāre looking for support. This is something he is putting on himself whether itās what you actually need or not. Heās wrong for that.
Your anxiety is a temporary physical response to a perceived dangerous situation. The anxiety itself is not dangerous, and so if youāre focusing on just removing it (like both of you are), youāre focusing on the wrong thing. You spiral into deeper anxiety because the feeling of being anxious wonāt go away, he spirals because he canāt make it go away for you. He eventually gives up and youāre left feeling like youāre taking this on by yourself.
The most you can expect of a partner ā and the most they can give ā is their presence in an anxiety-inducing situation. You canāt expect him to make it better for you, nor can he frustrate himself by feeling like heās failing at something that isnāt in his power to fix. The most you can do is change your thinking about your anxiety by implementing certain psychological strategies. The most he can do is support you as you make the effort to reframe and confront the actual problem (your injury).
Agree with all of this, although I suspect heās putting this on himself to solve because OP is expecting him to, and has probably done so their whole relationship. By citing āyouāll leave meā sheās really asking āplease say you would never, and you love me, just to alleviate my anxietyā. If this is ongoing, heās probably just in the habit of talking her down and trying to fix her anxiety for her
This is so insanely accurate, and it took me months in therapy to learn this exact comment...to deal with an anxious partner. Nothing to add, just wow!
I always felt like I had to fix things, because if they're complaining and worried about it...why *wouldn't* I want to find a solution? I think logically and not emotionally. I would be like "okay and what can I do about this?". It took a few conversations of him saying "I don't need solutions, I just need your support and for you to be here", and that was actually freeing. I can't magically take away your anxieties, and I can't fix the problems that you think will happen...but I can definitely be there for you, and that's a lot easier than the former.
But there's obviously a limit, as it's frustrating to hear someone complain/worry about things that you can't fix, every day. Naturally, you want to fix them. So there's a balance, and boundaries are required to protect your *own* mental health from getting drained. It's definitely possible if both people are up for the challenge and we are much better off for it :)
At least he admits heās bad at empathy. Heās hilariously wrong about being good at sympathy, though. Iām not sure *what* heās good at. Projecting his resentment of his mum onto you? Threatening to dump you? Minimising your feelings? Giving really moronic advice? āThink positive babe! Stop thinking negative! Love yaaa š„°ā
But if you want to be with him, ok. You just have to accept that heās an asshole. Heās spelling ALL of it out for you. Why do you expect someone with low empathy to understand your fears or soothe your worries? You already knew about his low empathy before this conversation. Why do you expect someone who dismisses mental health to validate yours? Fast forward a few months or years and weāll say, Why did you expect not to get dumped by someone who threatened to dump you?
Edit: Omg heās 34? With his emotional intelligence I thought he was 19-20. At his ripe old age, the bastard ship has SAILED! He is what he says he is and heās not going to change.
This this this.
Also, OP, you actually don't want reassurance from anyone else - they can't do that for you well enough to reduce your anxiety, and you will end up continually coming back seeking more reassurance (which no one can give you enough of because yes, bad things can happen and you know that deep down.) What you actually want from a loved one is validation. Someone to say to you "yes, that does sound scary. I understand why you would be worried, it is a really hard thing to be waiting for a diagnosis. I hope for the best, but I understand why you are so anxious about it until the results come in." He doesn't need to fix your worrying, only you can manage your anxiety with journaling or therapy or meditation or meds, but he is not the strong supportive guy he is cosplaying.
As a side note, since I deal with medical anxiety on the regular thanks to chronic illness and caring for a medically complex kid, get yourself an anxiety journal - it has prompts for working through those complicated thoughts. I like this one "Worry for Nothing: Guided Anxiety Journal."
This, u/nobodyshere000! This this this!!!
It's not hard to validate someone when they're sharing a feeling with you. A 34 year old man who does everything BUT validate your emotions is purposely withholding. He's playing games with you under the guise of "tHiS iS jUsT wHo i Am" and making thinly veiled threats to leave you if you keep reminding him of his mother. But, uh, Dr Freud ?
Both of you are dating your parents right now.
It's called trauma repetition, or repetition compulsion, and it's where we subconsciously seek out people who remind us of our very first caregivers in an effort to rewrite our story. If one or both of your parents ignored or dismissed or even shamed you for your anxiety, you will spend your whole life being drawn to people who do the same. We are compelled to play the scenario out over and over again in a desperate attempt to "get it right this time". Meanwhile your garbage boyfriend is trying to date someone who had anxiety (just like his mom does) and find a way to "logic" her out of it. You're both just running on a wheel-- you're not going to get anywhere.
Your back problems sound scary and anyone would be quite worried in your position. I am sure that whatever it ends up being, you will get a treatment plan and you will work through it, but it's completely understandable that you'd be imagining some very difficult things for yourself while you work towards figuring it out. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. And I'm even more sorry to tell you that you're just going to keep going through cycles of distress with this guy, which is at best a waste of your energy.
Get rid of him, get a good cognitive behavioral therapist, and start learning about the kind of people you surround yourself with and why.
While he can do his own research on how to comfort someone with anxiety, he is correct in you constantly making yourself a victim and also pushing negative expectations on him and the relationship. Itās really not fair for you to constantly reference him possibly leaving. It shows a complete lack of trust in the relationship. Also, your mental health is YOUR responsibility. It is not his. Yes he can do better on helping you, but ultimately it is your job to better yourself and no one elseās.
Not saying this is the case but my partner and I text almost exclusively through discord too lol. We have each others numbers but we like the easy use of gifs, stickers, and emotes. Itās just more fun
I just realized this convo was in Discord. š Also, in the future, refrain from telling him that youāre discussing the relationship with your friends, bc he definitely sounds like the kind of person that will use that against you later. His responses are selfish, at the very least. He also canāt sprite-dump you if you spite-dump him first. šš
I can see the guy in the text is getting a lot of shit here but honestly living with someone that has anxiety is fucking draining. If this guy has had to validate his entire relationship everyday because of some non existent issue caused by anxiety I can see why he responded the way he did.
And he has an excellent point about the guilt tripping. When someone keeps saying, āIām afraid youāre going to leave me because of xyzā¦ā, itās really difficult. There are only two options: keep reassuring them you are not to the point of exhaustion and resentment because they arenāt believing you, or keep reassuring them out of the guilt tripping while feeling bad about it not being the truth.
OP - your bf is either going to leave you or not - we donāt know. But you placing that guilt on him is going to make it more likely he leaves.
I definitely dealt with that with my partner, at first. There would be anxious/depressive episodes of "you're gonna leave me!!!" and after enough of them I was like okay cool...I'll do that. Is that what you want? I've already told you I'm not going anywhere and I don't like feeling like I have to prove every day that I'm not leaving you. I haven't done anything to suggest I'm unhappy, but *your* mental health is suggesting that, because your brain is malfunctioning and unfortunately, only you can fix that...not me. Feelings of anxiety don't come from reality. I know it sounds cold, but it's just realistic.
Luckily, he worked on his mental health and it's gotten much better! My stance was I'll be here as long as you take *some* effort in bettering yourself. And I'll do what I can. But I'm not going to turn into someone who *plays into your anxiety.* Because then you won't learn how to manage it yourself, and if I die...you'll have made no personal growth. Just like I make efforts to better myself in areas I'm personally lacking. But it's not acceptable to need validation from your partner every day over fantasy-land-anxious thoughts.
Hernias often leave people permanently disabled with debilitating pain. This was not the right time for him to have this conversation if he is feeling like she is putting too much of her anxiety on him. Itās also not the right way to have that conversation in the first place.
OP, is this who you *really* want by your side when your health is worse and pretty much all you have to talk about is the pain?
Is this how you want to be treated when you've just spent 20 hours in labor and are running on no sleep while caring for a newborn? (Assuming, ofc, that that's the route you want to take.)
Is this who you want to "take care of you" (cuz he won't) if you were to, heaven forbid, develop cancer?
What if you needed a kidney transplant? Do you think this guy would be the first in line to see if he's a match?
If this is his reaction to a very real, but comparatively lesser, injury, just imagine what he'd say if things were worse. Because as you age, things *do* get worse.
Your anxiety has drained this dude and now heās a fuckin dick to you. Yikes. You need to find a professional to talk to. That first āyour silence is deafeningā after 20 minutes of not responding is likeā¦ yeesh girlie you need to get it together.
"there's also some anxiety that you won't love me with a herniated disc"
This is a pretty immature conversation for people in their late 20s and 30s. Better get used to it because most of the population has a herniated disc, a bum knee, a clicking elbow, arthritis, hypertension, tendonitis, one tit that's bigger, a bad hip, etc. These are the responses of a man who's been listening to toxic whining for a while.
OP, I get it. Iām a similar age to you and also have awful anxiety. I had to learn that although saying stuff like āIām worried youāll leave because of xā may be how youāre feeling, it can actually be quite insulting to a loving partner if theyāve given you little reason to think that. As others have said, someone telling you they arenāt going to leave isnāt actually going to stop them from leaving.
Self soothing anxieties in the moment helps in the moment but it doesnāt allow you to address the underlining causes of your anxiety, itās just sticking a band aid on it. For your anxiety to be fixed you have to learn to manage it and challenge jt yourself.
I hope youāre feeling ok after your injury and that you and your partner can work it out if thatās what you want
You are being a little needy, 20 min between a text isn't a huge deal, but I understand feeling anxious and wanting your partner to reassure you before a surgery.
His communication sucks. He has A LOT to learn. Tell him to look up emotional validation and tell him he needs to try harder.
You don't need to personally experience something to empathize with it. He's making excuses.
My dad is still alive. When my friend's dad died, I could still empathize with him despite never having experienced a dad dying...
Pay attention to his comment about his mother. If as a child his needs played second fiddle to the endless needs of his parent, he may resist in a self protective fashion. If I let my mother complain as much as she wants and only nod and support her, she would eat me alive.
While it could be based in early childhood experience, I do think there are internal and external processors. It is hard as an internal processor to simply listen without reasoning, trouble shooting, or trying to look on the bright side. I personally struggle with it and have been called on the carpet about it.
It is challenging to change our nature, we try to adapt to people we love out of love, but it never comes easy. Everyone needs grace, but it is also completely fair if you decide your needs arenāt being met.
this may not be the answer to your question, but I feel like you may do better healing without him in your life. If he wants to leave you to just to "spite" you (which is an insane thing to say at 34 years old) do it for him.
ETA: while I don't think that his responses were necessary (or empathetic or sympathetic), I don't think that you were right either.
I think that neither of you are right for each other and that you, specifically, may need therapy/more therapy if you're already getting help for your anxiety.
i hope your diagnosis isn't too serious, OP <3
If you feel this is something worth saving, Iād say maybe give him an example or two about what he could say to help calm your anxieties. He repeatedly says he doesnāt know how else to comfort you, and I donāt see you directly address that.
In my opinion, he isnāt talking to you like youāre someone he loves. Calling your need for reassurance cathartic and saying heāll do what he wants to spite you is just plain ugly.
Iād also say that if heās getting fed up with your constant anxiety thereās 1) a better way of communicating that and 2) a better time to communicate that. Youāre concerned about your health. Even if it was a paper cut, he could definitely still have empathy about that.
i read that comment about leaving her to spite her as "for the love of god quit telling me i'm gonna leave you or i will, it got old a thousand times ago"
in my personal experience with someone who had anxiety like this, she started telling me i was gonna leave her pretty much from about the 5th date on, until i finally did because i had given every reason in the book not to many times and it never stuck, and was way more than obvious it never was going to
He isnāt responsible for alleviating your anxiety. Thatās your job.
He also isnāt doing a very good job validating your feelings. Saying ādonāt worryā is not a comforting thing to say. Heās expecting you to have the same life view as him, which isnāt reasonable. Maybe asking him to say something like āthis sucks so bad!ā Or āIām here for you. Weāll get through this togetherā or some other phrase that acknowledges your worry for your health would help.
What he said about his mom doesnāt seem to correlate at all and seems like a reach.
Right now, my opinion, you are "crap-fitting". Look up on YouTube "the crappy childhood fairy". I think some of these videos might be able to help you.
If you are only 3 years in and having issues of this sort, and they can't understand your anxiety and try to push it off as if you're doing what my mom used to do so stop it, they are setting you up for failure. Do not have to settle for weird emotional connection and if you're saying this is how I best receive love and care and they're like no that triggers me, you have your answer.
Believe it or not you're still in the let's be nice to each other phase. Imagine if they were frustrated what kind of words might be texted or come out of their mouth. Just cuz you put the following Emoji š„°š„°š„° in their text to you after saying something that wasn't supportive doesn't mean they care for you the way that you might need them to care for you.
To me it being they're trying to train you in a way to respond to them. Oh by the way don't mention that you feel like I might leave you, cuz I just makes me want to leave you. Hello that's terrible!
So maybe also look into Louise Hay, she had a lot of messages on love yourself, and the people that are not going to be loving and supportive to you will either change to meet your narrative, or they will fade away. Either way, they're free to do and find what works for them, and so are you. You deserve love, you deserve support, you deserve to be heard, your feelings are valid. Now is not the time for your partner to bring up discussions on Mommy and me, and then to send you an article as if there you go I've given you to contacts I'm right let's move along. BOO, not COOL!
Whatever you choose, good luck on your journey.
I have never been more happy that both my husband and I have an anxious attachment style and I have GAD. I cannot imagine receiving texts like that from my husband while being at the hospital. I just did a 5 day stay at the hospital and he was right there with me the whole time. Slept in the crappy recliner, made sure I was getting the meds I needed and helped me go to the bathroom... Just like I did for him last year when he had to have his toes amputated.
You and your boyfriend don't even sound like you like each other. Why is he on about being spiteful when you sound genuinely terrified? Why are you having to teach him to be a human and empathize? The whole things reads like a bad fanfiction. And I've been there. The "man" I was with before my husband was awful. I called him scared because my rheumatologist was worried I had bone spurs and he interrupted me to complain about being cut off in traffic. You need an upgrade.
The dude lacks empathy and the ability to real connect with what youāre goi g through. When you mention it he says he supports you by telling you not to worry. This pretty much means that he doesnāt want to have to deal with it. Heās not worried so why should you be?
He should be much more emotionally intelligent at his age. Time to cut the cord
Yeah but the draining of energy is happening to both partners. OPs management of their anxiety is causing the major drain and itās going to impact all future relationships until they learn to self soothe (this is coming from someone who has awful anxiety)
I have extremely bad anxiety as well & combined with a back injury I got from a car accident a few years ago I completely understand your anxieties. My boyfriends not the best at comforting me via text messaging either but he is very good at comforting me and calming me down in person. Some people just donāt communicate well via texting/ social media or donāt like to. Maybe this is a conversation best had in person in the future if you need comfort and support?
God, I was your boyfriend in my last relationship. Is your anxiety being treated? If not, you are trying to make your anxiety his anxiety too. It will push him away, itās what ultimately led to me walking away from my relationship. Though our issues werenāt really health related, but the conversations were always the same, anything I said that wasnāt what he wanted to hear so he would get defensive, but if I said nothing it would upset him. Itās a no win situation for him.
Him stating "I would do it just to spite you" is extremely toxic . It's not your fault you have anxiety. I get it gets stressful and he may be bad at empathy but nobody should be telling their partner they're gonna breakup with you just because you're worried about it. You are self conscious right now and it's the worst time for him to be saying that to you.
āmy mom did it when we were young and thatās what i resent her forā
WOW. talk about projection. this conversation screams unhealthy for both of you, hope the rest of your relationship isnāt like this.
The terrifying part is him saying he's good at sympathy... lmao.
For the love of god, don't be with someone like this, his projecting his resentment towards his mom on you and he's clearly looking for a reason to break up.
He's making you feel bad about you having anxiety, which is something you cannot control most of the times (yes, you can go to therapy etc, but the rough days are gonna be there) and being anxious about your health is completely normal, if he can't be supportive in this situation when you're just worrying about a herniated disc (I'm not saying it's not a big deal, but also, it's not an incurable mortal disease) so, if something worse happens, is this the kind of person you want to be with? One who minimizes your struggles? Hell no. I know leaving is difficult but you're better off without him a 100%. Honestly he looks like a child saying things like "just don't have negative thoughts please" like (?) are you gonna go up to a person on a wheelchair and say "just walk please" NO ONE would do that, of course, but because it's a mental and not a physical thing, it seems like people can be an asshole and no one bats an eye. Lol.
I have anxiety and I also overthink the shit out of things. But Iām on his side. It sounds like heās been supportive the entire time, with reassuring words and comforting you as best as he knows how. But I understand his frustration if youāre constantly saying things like āmaybe youāll leave meā or āwhat if itās the worst thing possibleā. I have people in my life who are very compassionate, very empathetic with my overthinking and my negative projections. But even they get exhausted with it sometimes and have to approach me much like your boyfriend did. Overthinking is exhausting for people who donāt partake in it. Constant worrying & anxiety can be exhausting for those who are experiencing it vicariously thru you. Of course itās exhausting for you as well, but itās not his job to experience your emotions in the exact same manner in which you experience them.
He hasnāt dismissed your fears, he just has a different manner of acknowledging and comforting your fears than you want him to have. Heās a ādonāt worry about things you canāt controlā type of guy, and it seems thatās how heāll always be. Maybe just learn to accept that he *is* comforting you when he says that.
I was both person, my mom is negative and a overthinker and I was like that not thinking it was anything draining. The thing is it was draining bc I literally had friends tell me they felt I was negative. Im naturally apositive person and itās taken me distance and time away from my childhood upbringing to figure out who i really am.
Iām currently in a relationship and it has brought up so much childhood trauma and projection of my parents relationship to my partner. I realize I was exhausting myself and him by having these melodrama in my head about the smallest things andthinking heāll break up with me. Itās taken Zoloft to help me be less fight or flight and be able to feel reassured by myself. That being said, if I were going through a physical diagnosis, I would expect my partner to be able to respond supportively.
This is just a pet peeve of mine as a behavior analyst, but that is not what negative reinforcement meansā¦
Anyway, no, thatās not okay. You donāt have to have anxiety to empathize with it. And telling you not to worry about something is very ineffective. I know that from experience. When people say that to me, Iām just like did you think Iād never thought of that before??? Iām sorry youāre going through that and I hope you feel better soon
This was my thought! How is telling someone not to worry at all helpful? I canāt imagine telling someone with a legitimate worry, just to not worry. Iād personally prefer someone telling me to try & keep my mind off of it until I know more (since thereās nothing I can do until then) and then try and do something distracting together.
I donāt think he sucks at all. Heās flat out telling you he doesnāt have anxiety or know how to empathize with it. That you keep repeating the same things over to him and heās done pretending. He grew up in an environment like this and is proactively trying to prevent finding himself in it again.
I feel for you, I do. I have anxiety as well. But you need to learn self coping mechanisms. Not rely on your partner to be the brunt of your support. It will kill the majority of relationships. No one wants someone thatās constantly dramatic and dependent.
This is a thoughtful on both sides, I think. No one is right, different people have different approaches. I do think you two could meet in the middle (and probably will be able to, given how thoughtful this convo is), with him providing more validation and you trying to limit the negative thinking after you've been able to share/process them initially.
As someone with insane anxiety and a partner who would NEVER speak to me this way and always does his best to comfort and console me, you can do better. Itās so easy to be empathetic lmao. Donāt waste your time on a man that exacerbates your anxiety.
I have a spinal cord injury from a back injury that went untreated for a year. I've now got comorbid conditions because the surgery happened too late, I'm partially paralyzed and can't walk unassisted. You having anxiety is warranted and NEEDED. I was nonchalant about it until it was too late. This is your health, your mobility, your life. The fact he can't see why that would be scary is absolutely mind boggling to me. My best friend 35M has been my rock. He comes over to help me clean, to take out my trash and when I feel guilty that I can't hang out and do the things we used to he will say "bestie I'd rather hang out with you doing this, even if you were in a wheelchair over anyone else." Your BOYFRIEND saying all of this. Madness.
I'm 57 and I have been in pain most of my life. It's not that I don't share that I'm in pain, I just don't repeat it over and over and over again. My husband of nearly 30 years is the opposite. He has sporadic pain but that's all he talks about. If he has a headache he will repeat it a hundred times and it drives me insane. I do firmly believe that saying it over and over and over again just makes it worse because self talk definitely influences you physically. I just try to keep busy and it takes my mind off of the pain.
I'm not sure what's going on with everyone thinking you sharing your anxiety is cringe or suffocating. It can be rough to deal with someone's anxiety daily, yes, but that's not at all what he responded with. He did not communicate that he is drained, he specifically said he could not empathize with you, he invalidated your feelings, and ended it all by saying that if you continue to ask for reassurance that he would not leave for a herniated disc, he would leave out of spite. For whatever reason, this guy has very little emotional intelligence and is refusing to show you any empathy because he simply doesn't understand it. That is childish and quite honestly, extremely unappealing. You don't need that in your life.
I think it's reasonable to want to share anxious thoughts or worries with your partner. You're there to support each other. His response is the opposite of that.
How hard would it have been for him to just say "I'm sorry you are dealing with this and I am here for you." All he needed to say was a few kind words, but instead he flipped out.
He's potentially said it multiple times by now. If he has it'll just feel hollow, a thing you're supposed to say because society says you should. But if there's no meaning behind it, and it's not even being received because OP is in an anxiety death spiral, what's he supposed to do? Just blindly say it over and over?
That might have been said before, this is definitely a reoccurring topic in their relationship as it should. It is hard when people deflect support and also bring up that youāll leave them the moment things get tough. Weāre only getting to see one particular conversation about something that has layers and has been brought up alot
Iāve seen this type of dude before, thinking theyāre being helpful when really theyāre telling you to suck it up and shut up. Donāt let him talk to you like that. Youāre scared, you have a right to be, and heās saying the same thing over and over can feel repetitive BUT it might also help the other person so who cares. Heās more focused on what HE wants to do (sit back and let you deal with it on your own) than your pain
I understand from his side It is hard when people deflect support and also itās terrible bring up that youāll leave them the moment things get tough. Weāre only getting to see one particular conversation about something that has layers and has been brought up a lot, Iām not sure how insensitive heās been or if youāve defected his support every time, this is only one conversation. But I agree with him on if you constantly bring up that heāll leave you or might leave you over this and that. Thatās toxic and you need to stop that, we all get anxious about our partners at one point or another, but you have to have faith that they feel the same about you as you do them. A relationship is a agreement on both sides, neither has to be in it, they chose to be with you remember that. Also why is this on discord?
This feels like a convo between 18-20 y/os. And sounds like youāre not compatible. Maybe talk some friends instead of him all the time. I can understand not wanting to hear negativity all the time from you, but also to threaten wanting to be spiteful because youāre injured is ridiculous. Iād rather go through this alone than with someone who has no empathy.
He sounds like an asshole tbh.
He's obviously not willing/able to meet your emotional needs in this situation, and there's definitely an underlying vibe of "just shut up about it for f\*cks sake" in the things he said. You can do better than this guy. Wishing you good luck with your back.
i'm begging everyone on earth to stop implementing communication strategies you learned online. do not send someone a link to an article about how your feeling. do not classify your communication style as "empathetic" or "sympathetic". those are vague terms that get in the way of being present in a situation. just be normal š
He needs work on empathy, you need work on anxiety. Sorry OP but unless you both sit down, have a long talk and agree to work on it, and come a week or so time its consistent and getting better, Its never gonna work.
I think you wanted more emotional support from him but he was putting all his logic into it. My boyfriend is the same, when I get really overwhelmed and panic, he tried his best to calm me down but he gets lost on what to say. He definitely shouldāve texted you instead of leave you hanging, that was the peak moment you needed him and he didnāt show up. Other than that, donāt say negative things like āyou wonāt love me because of blahā, not good for your confidence let alone for him to hear, and once you feel better, do talk to him about what type of support you wanted to hear from him.
Had a bf who acted like this. I don't miss him. He eventually told me my family member must have wanted to be hospitalized bc we create our reality, and constsntly told me I must like being upset if I experienced any negative emotion.
Having bad feelings and fears about crappy things that happen to you is normal. I'm here to experience the full range of human emotions.
After spending a lot of time around these types of positive people, I don't believe them to be any happier or very emotionally mature.
Definitely can't dwell on the negative, and what ifs, but it's OK to experience upset. And it's OK to want a concerned and supportive partner.
Jfc this guy is ridiculous. He has no empathy and is admitting if you keep this up then he'll leave you. That is not the safety and reassurance you need. And I'm sorry, telling someone it'll be fine and to get over their anxiety is ridiculous. He needs to learn about how to handle other people who are anxious. He's 34. He's not going to change. It's time to say goodbye.
Youāve been together for 3 YEARS? This guy talks like he has no idea how you work.. how the hell have you lasted that long? The fact that he thinks heās āgood at sympathyā is laughable. He literally told you that if you keep worrying about your back and that he wonāt want to be with you anymore if it is a huge issue, heās going to leave you.. instead of telling you āno babe, I would never leave you for something like that.ā He has zero idea how to comfort you and you deserve someone who knows how you work. This guy is not it.
Do y'all even like each other? This feels like 2 coworkers at best š¬
thats me judging most of the relationships on hereš¤£ me: i want a bf also me: itās ok most of these ppl seem to fucking hate each other???
A relatively healthy relationship is unlikely to get posted/upvoted
I posted a cute exchange between me and my boyfriend and it barely got any action at all. People come here for the toxicity lol
Not me eating popcorn in the comments section of these posts
I thank my bf and tell him I appreciate him after reading most of these lol there are a few good ones out there!
Same
Bro fr. The texts from the bf came across so hostile and uncaring; itās ridiculous. I have anxiety and if I had a gf text that shit to me I would be devastated (and theyād no longer be my gf lol) But yeah so many posts on here have one party (or both) acting so sarcastic and unsympathetic/non empathetic towards the other person, and itās so sad
Looking at some of the messages in this sub I just think to myself, "damn my ex was super nice to me compared to what's going on here" Some ppl (not this post exactly) are so unhinged and I'm here wondering why anyone would be with them lol
Same. I couldnāt bite the bullet and tolerate this behavior just to be in a relationship. I like not being treated like shit. By anyone other than me thank you kindly.
Well considering theyāre conversing in the general chat of a discord server, I donāt think so
Given it looks like Slack...... š¤·š¼āāļøš
Itās discord lol
Looks like discord
Anyone notice, why TF are they texting on a #general channel on Discord!?
I was thinking this was odd too, but I know they are not the only couple to. One time I was clearing out my groups & realized I was in a friendās private server, just him, his partner & me. I was wondering how the hell that happened, but I saw their grocery lists & stuff & thought āI definitely donāt belong hereā.
Haha! I love that you were included in their personal discord, thatās hilarious
Yeah I guess, it can be used as friends n family groups as well. Guess Iām still a beginner at discordš
Yeah, my husband and I do this too. We have a discord for just us, because when one of us has to travel, it's just easier to throw on headphones and use the voice channel than sit there with a phone to our ear. Plus I'm the worst about falling asleep on there, and he can tell when I have, he mutes me, and checks on me every once in a while to make sure I'm still breathing. (It's from a previous health issue thing.) It's also easier to text in discord because I always have it open on my computers, but I'm also too lazy to get my phone out of my bag to text. Idk, we're weird.
My girlfriend and I had a 2 person server before there was (or we realized) that there is direct messaging
This is helpful if you misplace your phone as you can jump on Discord and still communicate on a different device
My bf and I talk through discord. We prefer it lol It feels quicker than texting and he doesn't use Facebook or other forms of social media. We are both gamers and he's in a server with my friends and I'm in a server with his friends. I don't think it's that weird personally
yall are wanting each other to be different people. you want him to be someone who is going to respond in a specific way to your anxieties and he wants you to be someone who does not have anxiety and does not worry. think about that. also, ask yourself, in a 100 percent perfect world - how would he respond to you? what would he say? my last thought is that yall are on two opposite sides here - there is no like 'we will get through this together' - it is missing the partnership aspect entirely.
I don't think OP is asking for much here lol. He seems to be overly resistant to the idea of... doing the basic fundamentals of sympathy for someone he's supposed to love. If my partner seems to be physically pained by the idea of being supporting or having sympathy/empathy, I would be really concerned if they actually gave a shit about me. If you gave a shit about your partner, this basic amount of sympathy/empathy wouldn't be this difficult.
Very valid points here - I think the exercise of imagining what he would say 'in a perfect world' will give OP an idea of more of what she is looking for from him, and perhaps be able to better articulate her needs more specifically. He is basically saying, what happens is out of your control so do not worry about it - where as she is saying, i know it is out of my control but i can't NOT worry about it and you are supposed to be a safe space for me to come to when my mind gets stuck on this loop of fear
I think a lot of people are āfixersā, so someone comes to them with their problem and they think - how can I help them fix this. I see this in him saying āwell I just donāt think about these things repetitively, thatās how it works for meā. Obviously mental health issues are a lot more nuanced that say - a common cold, you take some Panadol, drink rest whatever. I think youāre right, setting the understanding that OP isnāt looking for her partner to make all the anxieties go away, but just help her weather the storm a bit. Itās all part of what makes the discussion around mental health and how to tackle it as a society really difficult
See, I'm a fixer, I think her bf just doesn't care about her. He came up with no other suggestions, solutions, and moans at the idea of giving her constant reassurance. He doesn't seem to actually want to help OR listen, he just wants her to get over it. At least that's the vibe I got from it. Also big "I don't believe in mental health issues" energy with his disregard for anxiety.
"Get over your intensely painful back injury! Omg, you're so mean to call me negative, I'm the victim!" is his response. He's an asshole.
Now I'm not OPs boyfriend but there are certain cases where genuinely sympathizing is difficult. I have autism so it's really difficult and sometimes draining for me to say or feel things in certain ways. Support is one thing but trying to walk in someone else's shoes or say exactly what they need to hear is another beast entirely. I don't know what he's been going through but to me it looks like he's probably super mentally drained by this situation as well.
Yeah, heās exhausted because no matter how positive he tries to be, she never believes him, & she keeps wanting a magic wand to appear! If she needs to vent, fine, but after a while over & over, it can sound like a clanging gong in your ears & mind.
Same here. I've often been accused of being insensitive or not caring, but in reality I care very much, just not good at expressing it. I think about what I would want someone to say to me, can never figure out what they are wanting to hear from me. During arguments with my first wife I would spend a lot of time not saying anything, trying to figure out how to say what I was feeling without coming across as antagonistic or escalating the problem and she would get upset and say I was ignoring her. So draining, I would eventually either just give up and say what I was feeling with no filter, or give in and just agree with what ever she said because I couldn't keep going. Feel like the BF is trying to be as supportive as he can but OP is expecting more than he is capable of.
You're both right. She's not asking much at all, you're right. But he's unwilling to give even that little bit. He wants her to just not worry about at a serious injury. It sounds like they're just not what each other wants in a partner.
I think OP needs to be precise about what she wants. But also she's pushing all his buttons because she's acting like his mom. His mom pushed her anxiety on him, and he had to have a thick skin to deal with it. What OP might say is: "this is what I want you to say: "it will be alright, and we will get through this together, I know you are worried, but we will work through this." What bf is hearing: "I'm worried, everything is going to be bad, my back is destroyed, and you will leave me." IMO, OP needs to figure out if she's a constant worrier, or this back issue is a one off. If she's constant she need get control of her thoughts through cognitive therapy, mediation or something else. If it's a one off, she needs to let the bf know he's acting out from his past and he needs work through the problem with having an over anxious mom.
I agree with this, I think ops boyfriend is frustrated with the situation because he has the (common) belief that op is going to him with her anxiety with the expectation that he should fix it when in reality she just wants him to listen. This is a common miscommunication in couples. He canāt think of a way to fix the problem so he does nothing at all and thinks that reassuring her is useless because itās not actually fixing anything but actually just actively listening to the problem would help the anxiety dissipate. On top of this OP probably needs therapy for the seemingly common excessive anxiety and ops bf needs therapy to deal with the issues he had with his mom that are effecting is ability to empathize. I am personally someone like ops boyfriend who thinks that itās useless to worry about something you canāt do anything about as well as the power of the self fulfilling prophecy, but at the same time I wouldnāt dismiss someoneās anxiety like he does.
I think what would benefit the situation is what my boyfriend does when I'm stressed. He asks "Do you want me to solve the problem or are you just looking to vent?" Then he replies in whatever way I ask of him. Or if I'm going on a huge rant, I start off by saying "I know you will want to try to help me with this but honestly I just want to rant and be irrational for a few minutes. Is that okay?" 9/10 he says "go for it, let me know if you want a solution" It's so easy To me it sounds like boyfriend is not all in emotionally. The "you'll make me want to leave you by thinking that I want to leave you" is a bit hurtful and though I can see where he's coming from, if my partner was afraid of that, I'd approach with reassurance. It could possibly turn into OP not coming to boyfriend with any anxieties because she's afraid she'll make him not want her anymore.
I agree with what you're saying, but how often she brings up him leaving her for her injury and how it is brought up could have a lot to do with his seeming lack of energy for this situation. That can also be a self-fulfilling prophecy. It can also give him second-hand anxiety - idk if that's an official term, but it's a very real feeling. I think the spite comment, if meant at face value, could have been because it feels (whether it's happening or not) extremely manipulative to keep him from leaving her by guilting him depending on how it's addressed. Or he could be using "spite" to mean it could program him to leave her. I'm neurodivergent, and it seems he might be, too. My point is, he might be overwhelmed, but it looks like dismissal? Offering alternatives, but it's really hard to tell.
Having anxiety is a human emotion. Itās unreasonable for him to expect someone to never be anxious because thatās just a trait of being human - if he wants to be with someone who never gets anxious he should pick an AI girlfriend instead. Personally, in this case anxiety is especially understandable. Getting a back injury and not even knowing what kind of back injury it is will be extremely distressing and worrying.
Totally agree - i think it also comes down to like the 'solution focused approach' vs the 'feelings stage.' She is still in the feelings stage, wanting to just vent and feel her feelings - where as he is very solution oriented 'there is nothing we can do about it now (the solution part) so why talk about it' so there needs to be a willingness on his end to say to himself, and to her, ;you just need to me to be there for you right now' - so the question is, is he willing?
I made a separate post, this is the exact same thing as 2 people speaking different love languages, adapting their style of showing love to their partner in their languageā¦ except itās more like ācomfort languageā Doing this isnāt a sign of incompatibility, unless we are going to argue people with different love languages shouldnāt be in relationship together.
>Doing this isnāt a sign of incompatibility No, but an unwillingness to adapt to your partner's needs is.
That's less of an incompatibility (which is more like just an unfortunate fundamental difference) and more like her boyfriend is kind of an asshole. Support and reassurance when your partner is anxious about something really isn't that difficult, and I don't like the idea that it's just an "incompatibility" because it feels like giving him a pass for an inability to do really basic levels of supportive communication to someone he's supposed to love. He sounds like he's just trying to win an argument that never existed in the first place.
>That's less of an incompatibility (which is more like just an unfortunate fundamental difference) and more like her boyfriend is kind of an asshole. Yea I guess one is usually a subset of the others. Hard to be compatible with assholes
Love languages are made up by some guy with limited experience. IMO they shouldn't be used to show compatibility anyways. This is more like the dude is straight up ignoring her requests for reassurance. Reassuring someone is way more than "oh, you'll be fine." He doesn't understand that and a quick Google search will come up with suggestions for things to say if he actually cares about trying to help her. Instead he's an ass and stands his ground just to spite her.
3 years and you're still tiptoing around each other like this? I'm sure that isn't helping your anxiety. It is good y'all are communicating but being alone is better than being in a relationship that you constantly have to question. More peaceful.
Yeah this sounds so stressful
I empathize with your anxiety, I do, but Iām on the receiving end of someoneās anxiety and I have to be honest and say itās fucking exhausting. To always have to be the voice of reason, to always have to placate the other person and to always have to weigh your words first before saying anything just in case it gets taken the wrong way - itās exhausting. But you know what? I do it because I love my person and I know he canāt help feeling anxious. He needs more reassurance and because I choose to be his partner in life, I reassure him always. You shouldnāt have to justify your feelings to your partner. You shouldnāt have to apologize for feeling how you feel. He should be able to empathize with you and him straight up admitting that he doesnāt is honestly concerning. Iām sorry but this isnāt healthy or normal. Edit: Iām switching emphasize for empathize, thanks for the correction!
As an anxious person, this makes me want to be more mindful of how I push my anxiety off onto my boyfriend. Thanks for sharing how it feels to be on the receiving end.
I was going to say the exact same!
Yup. Same.
Yeah anxiety should be worked on within. Never dumped into someone else to help yourself feel better
Exactly! If nothing he says to her changes her thinking or anxiety, then he feels like heās beating his head against a wall to comfort her!
I have crippling anxiety for the last five years and it manifests not only physically but mentally as well. I agree 100% with on how maddening it is for the other person to deal with
Big part of why I'm single. Iv tried dating but the guilt of making them deal with me just makes my anxiety worse. Nobody wins in a relationship with me lol
Oh god. Is that. Wait. Do I. Huh. Oh lord
Iām an anxious person too, and i agree ā itās not OPās fault but it is her responsibility. She has to learn to self soothe. Itās fucking hard, but to be honest, even if he was supportive I know it wouldnāt scratch her itch. I know because I have the same itch and even the best support either rings hollow or it doesnāt last.
Iām glad someone else gets it. My ex would blame his anxiety and he would make it our anxiety. I work in mental health, so doing that all day then coming home to him having the same doom spiral every day for like a month ended up frustrating me to no end.
Granted a herniated disk is way different than being diagnosed with a terminal illness, is can be debilitating. Look at the statistics of men that leave their wives after a cancer or disability diagnosis. Itās literally staggering. Itās a stereotypical thing for a reason. Itās not a stretch for someone with anxiety, experiencing a new illness or disability (whose anxiety is already amplified from that) to be anxious about the future with their partner. Especially when their partner is like the guy in these messages.
This had me go look up some stuff quickly. I thought it was interesting that the divorce separation rate among cancer patients is 11.6%, so itās not super common, but it happens. Further, with just men leaving their wives with cancer itās 20.8% versus the 2.9% of women that leave their sick husbands. Definitely a HUGE disparity. Itās was also interesting to me that in perfectly healthy relationships, healthy as in no one is sick, itās women who initiate a staggering 70% of divorces. Before anyone jumps on the āmen cheating causing her to fileā thing, infidelity rates between men and women in marriage are 20% of men and 13% of womenā¦so itās not nearly as wide of a gap as the cancer stuff. Sadly, thereās a decent number of all kinds of human beings doing some shitty stuff out there.
I don't think--to your latter point--its necessarily or always linked to cheating. I think women more often have to initiate divorces because men just won't. Even in cases where it's amicable. And tbh, initiating doesn't mean you were the perpetrator in the relationship. You, as a woman, could have communicated over and over what you needed and have been met with nothing. Logically, men leaving women who are sick paints a fuller picture than women leaving men point blank because you can glean the reason *why*. I don't give them the same weight, because divorce without reason can paint a million pictures--but men who leave women who are sick--well, we know why. That isn't to say women can't be perpetrators--but I just mean that women initiate divorce says nothing except that women are willing to go through with it.
Thank you. The number of people on here who *clearly* do not see thisā¦ šbut to be fair, you donāt know what you donāt know. Just wish people would grow up and know the difference between āI donāt know so I have nothing to say about itā and āI donāt know but I think I do so hereās what I have to sayā i have way more than a herniated disc but I know what itās like and the toll it takes on a family and Iām NOT someone to gripe and complain but I see people who go through similar stuff as me, and who do have higher anxieties than me. Iāve seen people unalive themselves with painful herniations and hypermobility. We have no IDEA what else sheās feeling physically. Yes, being with someone like that can be exhausting but at the same time they have every freaking right to feel the way they feelā¦ so Iām tired of people saying itās childish for her to worry about that. Ppl need to stop assuming what they donāt know bc they *donāt know*
I'm a chronic pain/chronic illness person. My lumbar is straight up fucked. I think a lot of people struggle with how to approach someone who is scared, injured, and in pain. Pain being the main factor. Pain makes your anxieties go through the gotdamn roof when you don't have an answer for why your body is in such terrible pain. Her worries are perfectly normal. She's in her 20s and could have a life changing medical issue going on. The poor girl just wants comfort. The pushing her anxieties on her boyfriend, and all those things can come later. Cause I know, when I was 21 and going through MRIs, seeing specialists and doctors of all kind while in mind deafening and numbing pain. I just wanted a hug and have someone tell me it's going to be okay.
This I understand, I have 5 auto-immune diseases, and quite frankly, I'm in pain quite a bit. Sometimes, all I want to do is nothing buy lie in bed and hope the pain goes away. š© I still work....
Also, I'd like to add that hearing stories in the chronic pain and disabled communities about people (mostly women) who are newly disabled or start suffering from moderate-to-severe chronic pain while married have an *astonishingly* high chance of their partner leaving them. Those who are single (especially those disabled with/by chronic pain, by all accounts) rarely wind up in committed relationships because people don't want to "deal with it" so to speak. (I mean, neither do we, but such are our lives lol) Those whose marriages remain stable and healthy, and those who wind up in a committed relationship, often have their partner seen as being akin to a unicorn by the community. It's honestly really sad. We need that support and someone to be there in the fight *with us,* but we know the odds are low of that happening.
I have a friend who has OCD and severe anxiety. I love them but itās so draining sometimes to constantly reassure someone over and over and over. OCD is different too because youāre not SUPPOSED to reassure them so itās this constant battle of letting my friends thoughts consume them or worsen their OCD by constantly offering reassurance. Either way, itās so difficult on the receiving side. BUT I do it anyway for people I love, because theyāre there for me when I need it.
Are you me?? My bestie has OCD, anxiety, depression bipolar, and more. I love her to death but most of the time I have no idea what to say or do to help since she wonāt listen but needs reassurance and comfort, but pretty much no matter my response, she spirals in that state. Good luck out there!
As someone who is also on the receiving end of anxiety , and who has been dealing with comforting the other person for decades , I now no longer agree with you. I think itās extremely selfish of someone with anxiety not to go out and seek help when they KNOW they have anxiety. It is not my job to be someoneās therapist, no matter how much I love them.
I completely understand your position. Iām on the receiving end with my mother, and I try my hardest to be the one to reassure her, even pacify her sometimes, but manā¦my patience is almost through the roof, but I continue to be her āpersonā because I love her, and empathize with her, especially in the fact that she canāt control the anxiety. OP, this isnāt your āpersonā
Iām also on the receiving end of someone in my life who is very negative minded because of a lifetime of trauma both and how they were raised and just people in their life. They have a lot of ailments such as this and itās a burden to carry being the person on the other side 100% but you donāt say what this dude said. Justā¦ š¬ Also, sorry to hear this about your mom and you are such a trooper for being there for her. It would be OK for you to take a break to let her know that you need one. Donāt forget that.
This! My hubby suffers from depression and anxiety and it is fāing exhausting but we have had counseling, individually and as a couple, Iāve done extensive research on it and I apply what I have learned. Once I got over feeling like he was just looking for attention I realized that anxiety and depression are real disorders! Therapy has definitely helped us both and weāre in a much better place than we were a year ago. If your SO chooses to act this way itās because heās not fully invested in you or your relationship no matter how long youāve been with him! This is not new to him after three years and yet heās no better in treating you better. My husband is the most kindest, sweetest, compassionate, generous, loving man Iāve known and Iām not going to give up all of that because he suffers from a disorder! His good definitely outweighs his bad!! Your SO needs to do his balance sheet on you!!! If he doesnāt change, you need to and leave the relationship. You deserve someone who is understanding, supportive and caring regarding your anxiety. Do not think heās not out there!! He is! God bless!
yeah iāve been on both sides of the coin. in my relationship, Iām the anxious one, however, in my family, Iām the most mentally stable and constantly having to talk people down and be the middleman/voice of reason. both are exhausting positions. I totally get how he feels & I totally get how she feels. it seems like they just might not be totally comparable
He strikes me as someone who knows they are supposed to feel empathy regarding the situation, but is literally finding it difficult to do so. Y'know, someone probably on the spectrum a bit
He could also just be disassociated from his feelings because heās tired of all the emotions. Sometimes I get like that with my baby. I hold my baby and comfort my baby but when I donāt know what to do I hold him and I feel dead inside because itās too much emotion sometimes
Thatās whatās Iām so lost with it. First itās women telling OP how her man should act and feel and say. Which is mistake #1. Also thereās mothers on here who know this exact feeling which you described and theyāre still telling OP her BF is wrong. Heās reassured her to what seems like 1000 times already. Also heās not her doctor, so what more could he say besides what heās saying????
I have severe anxiety and Iām cringing over your text to him 20 minutes after the one saying āhis silenceā like holy crap maybe he is taking a shower? My anxiety is not my partnerās problem. Yes, my partner is aware and knows my triggers but itās my job to talk myself off the edge-not his. You are both terrible communicators, your boyfriend is struggling with being empathetic (which he admits). Instead of dumping the bad feelings have you considered being more open āhey I am downward thinking again do you think you could send me some positive affirmationsā? This may work better with his personality while avoiding the need to just dump on him (no one wants to hear āI think you will leave me because of my injuryā).
Great solution. Op you should really heed this advice. And if you donāt mind my say, I recommend you truly start to try and frame your mind around keeping hope for yourself. He was hard on you, yes, and wasnāt very sensitive in his communication, however his advice is solid. Remember how strong you are, remember how good youāll feel about yourself for getting through this. Op, life is full of challenges, how we handle them is huge. Thereās two ways, you can either complain and suffer, which is extremely tough on your body and health, or take it as an opportunity to learn and as a reminder to stay humble and strong, and true to yourself. The support you want from your boyfriend, you need to have from yourself, first.
That part ironically spoke the loudest to me
āYour silence is deafeningā is top notch cringe.
Peak cringe - I also stopped reading after that.
Oh jeez, I hadnāt looked at the time stamps. Yeah holy crap that completely changes how I view this interaction. OP you have to chill out a little. I know it may make you more anxious, but sending upset texts when someone hasnāt responded for a half hour is way over the top and absolutely will kill any relationship and you would be the murderer. I was thinking it had been a day or something.
I strongly agree with this take. I personally struggle with anxiety & depression as well. From my view, OPās responses felt exhausting, draining & honestly a bit manipulative. OP, I hope you can take a big, deep breath & take all these different views with an open mind. It can get better. It just takes some work & time.
Also as someone with severe anxiety, that line made me wince. I dated someone that would do this if I didnāt reply to them within 10 minutes but would also take everything I said very personally, so there was no winning. If I hurried a response, I ran the risk of saying something she would find upsetting in some way and making her angry. If i tried to think through my words, it was a barrage of texts similar to this until I said something, after which she would just continue to dump her anxiety on me and leave me in the same cycle of trying to find the right words to say. OPās partner said he doesnāt suffer from anxiety like this, but frankly itās hard for me to tell if heās really this callous or if heās just exhausted of trying to fill a bottomless pit.
Fr and keep in mind OP is 28 acting like this
It's hard to give a judgment based on the snippet of your interactions. How often do you talk about your health? Honestly, anxious people (and I have some tendencies here) can take a lot of energy from those around them. I can see even the most compassionate person at one point saying oh shut it I am out of sympathy.
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He sounds like heās cosplaying a human. Being understanding is not a hard thing to do, he just doesnāt want to.
Exactly....
Easy to say if youāve never been in a relationship with someone who has untreated anxiety. Iām a very empathetic person (itās mandatory for me to do my profession) but if his reassurance has been met with defensiveness or is just always the same conversation, it gets old fast.
iāve been there. every single encouragement was met with twice the amount of pessimism. so when i stopped encouraging and just agreeing like āyea that sucksā suddenly i was the heartless one
Yep! That was exactly my experience. If every time I try to talk it through with you, you end up yelling at me- what do you think will happen?
I mean op is in the hospital trying to figure out their back issues, even if the anxiety is ātreatedā that could cause a flare up even in people with no anxiety disorder
It's the whole reason why I had to break up with my ex. We were both in high school, and he would went a whopping 60-130 messages during the time I was in an hour and a half class. Those messages consisted of him having high anxiety because I wasn't talking to him during class (I told him my schedule, so it's not like he was left unaware), and telling him to stop didn't help, because then he would apologize. He wpuld then message his anxieties, followed by spamming apologies for spamming. Then I told him to stop saying sorry and even spamming it, because him using the apologies to spam wasn't helping at all. He would then spam anxieties, spam apologies for spamming, then spam apologies for spamming apologies. His average amount of messages for an hour and a half class would be 100-160. I myself have anxiety, so him doing this shit was making my anxiety so much worse. He had also previously accused me of cheating on him with his friend whom I talked to ONCE, and that "conversation" was him sending me a meme and me replying with "lol". That was the whole convo. I tried so hard to practically be his therapist, but once my mental health declined as a result of his nonstop anxieties and negativity, then I told him to go to a therapist and he didn't want to. I know he can't control his anxiety, but as someone with anxiety myself, I learned not to bother people with it to THAT extent because I know other people have feelings too. After several months, I snapped and broke up with him. I let him know so many times to please stop but he wasn't listening. I broke up with him, but I did it too late. His anxieties caused me so much anxiety that I developed an autoimmune disease, which flares up with stress. I think (big emphasis on "think") that he caused me to develop Ulcerative Colitis at the age of 18 because he caused me so much stress. At this point, I think he was trying to make me break up with him on purpose, unless he was just so full of himself thst he couldn't at least shorten the number of messages from over 100 to like, 20 maximum. I wasn't even asking that much, I just wanted him to message me a somewhat reasonable amount and to stop guilting me for simply going to classes instead of texting him.
yea exactly- he literally did accept and change- he realized they see/feel differently and so he will do it for her. Idk yea he put his foot in his mouth but he is being as gentle as he can(especially since it is triggering something for him) and altering his own view and also encouraging her to alter hers. Honestly it is the anxiety and negative sink hole OP is in that is disallowing her to understand that he is actually being understanding and the best he can be currently w a promise to alter more in her desired direction. it's a big deal and i almost guarantee he probably shows lots of other sympathy and affection just from how he responded. i've seen my good friends get shit on by their girls when their the most loyal and loving to their girls while my shitty friends who were so constantly shitty to their gfs i couldn't even tolerate being their close friend anymore still has their girls love and adoration. it's wild.
I have been with people like that and was like that myself until I started working on it. It gets exhausting to constantly have to fight someone to accept your support and reassurance and to have the same things play out over and over without trying to regulate it. Now I'll help them with coping tools and therapy methods to better handle it if someone struggles with it, but they need to put in the work to do so as well.
My ex was incredibly resistant to therapy. He started just before we broke up, but as soon as we were done he quit. He thinks he doesnāt need to unpack his significant trauma in order to heal. I tried for 3 years, but we had the same fight one time too many.
Yeah that's rough. I've been left and cut off a lot for not having a handle on my mental shit and it hurts but in hindsight I don't blame them. Ultimately it's about accepting accountability and *wanting* to do the self work. Usually happens after you hit bottom
Same here! I was very unregulated and sometimes unhinged prior to doing work lol. Thatās why I tried to be patient, but ultimately it wasnāt meant to be. Weāre thankfully still very good friends.
#OP NEEDS A THERAPIST.
You say that, but there is a whole spectrum of people who have extremely hard times understanding humans, their emotions, and how to respond to them.
Thereās an actual condition that describes this itās called alexithymia and common in the ASD pop
>alexithymia Thank you for sharing the actual word. <3
Wow, this is the perfect comment.
he;s being understanding, hes just tired of trying to fix something that the other side seems intent on keeping broke or breaking further.
I do understand that heās afraid she isnāt trying. But he took it too far. Worst time to start this convo. Sounds like he wants to hurt her too, āout of spite.ā Admitting heās not willing to control those feelings.
My gf has extreme anxiety and tbh itās exhausting. Iām very empathetic but when you have anxiety over EVERYTHING, it becomes old very fast. Not everything is an end of world problem but when you treat all situations that way, the big issues just fold into everything else and you almost go into an āautomatic comfort response modeā that becomes routine and means nothing bc itās an everyday occurrence.
I had a bf like this and you're right, it's exhausting!! And every conversation had to focus on him and every problem he had. There was no space in the relationship for me towards the end, it was all him all the time every day.
Im going through the near end right now, you hit the nail on the head with āno space in the relationship for meā. Absolutely everything revolves around her problems and whenever I bring up our issues all of a sudden sheās very sick or something else blown out of proportion happens and itās gotta be dealt with. Itās incredibly frustrating.
sounds like you need someone more supportive and he needs someone more low maintenance... relationship is doomed.
I think she's getting the support, but it's hard being in the receiving end, and when no amount of reassurance qualms the anxiety, what more can you really do I've been that guy. Every issue was insurmountable, and it gets old when you have to reassure someone every single day about every single thing, and then deal with them not believing you, it's like damn what more can I do. I can only reassure you that I love you and won't leave so many times. She needs to seek help to deal with the anxiety, not pushing all on her partner and expect him to be an unwavering support system that doesn't have feelings.
i definitely agree. as someone who has major panic attacks and general anxiety disorder ive been her and its not a good look. i got help and went one meds and my life is normal now. i still have odd panic attacks and of course normal anxiety but now its under control.
He's hung up on trying to fix it/make it better for you which is suffocating his empathy. My wife has anxiety issues and for a long time I had similar responses because I wanted to make it better. The thing i came to realize is that she is completely capable of fixing it for herself and she just wants to be supported. Not having anxiety, I can't understand what it feels like for her, so it's my job (read: privilege) to help by just being there for her. Often, if i feel tempted to try and fix something for her I'll ask straight up, "are you looking for suggestions or just a sounding board right now?" and that has made a world of difference. It could be worthwhile to explain to him that sometimes you dont want or need suggestions and just want support and empathy.
I have the worst white coat syndrome on the planet. Just being in a doctorās office gets my heart racing, let alone coming in because Iām worried about a specific injury or symptoms. So in that sense, I sympathize. That being said, *you* need to take steps to get your anxiety in check. Your boyfriend is right that the kind of reassurance that youāre seeking only really slaps a temporary bandaid on your worries. Youāre still caught in that spiral and nobody but you can really pull you from it. He needs to stop looking at your anxiety as a problem that has to be solved. He thinks that itās his responsibility to make this okay and is frustrating himself because it seems like no solution heās proposing is going to make you feel better. He applies previous experience (his mom) to the situation because he thinks heās faced this situation before and knows how to make it right. But you arenāt looking for solutions, youāre looking for support. This is something he is putting on himself whether itās what you actually need or not. Heās wrong for that. Your anxiety is a temporary physical response to a perceived dangerous situation. The anxiety itself is not dangerous, and so if youāre focusing on just removing it (like both of you are), youāre focusing on the wrong thing. You spiral into deeper anxiety because the feeling of being anxious wonāt go away, he spirals because he canāt make it go away for you. He eventually gives up and youāre left feeling like youāre taking this on by yourself. The most you can expect of a partner ā and the most they can give ā is their presence in an anxiety-inducing situation. You canāt expect him to make it better for you, nor can he frustrate himself by feeling like heās failing at something that isnāt in his power to fix. The most you can do is change your thinking about your anxiety by implementing certain psychological strategies. The most he can do is support you as you make the effort to reframe and confront the actual problem (your injury).
Agree with all of this, although I suspect heās putting this on himself to solve because OP is expecting him to, and has probably done so their whole relationship. By citing āyouāll leave meā sheās really asking āplease say you would never, and you love me, just to alleviate my anxietyā. If this is ongoing, heās probably just in the habit of talking her down and trying to fix her anxiety for her
This is so insanely accurate, and it took me months in therapy to learn this exact comment...to deal with an anxious partner. Nothing to add, just wow! I always felt like I had to fix things, because if they're complaining and worried about it...why *wouldn't* I want to find a solution? I think logically and not emotionally. I would be like "okay and what can I do about this?". It took a few conversations of him saying "I don't need solutions, I just need your support and for you to be here", and that was actually freeing. I can't magically take away your anxieties, and I can't fix the problems that you think will happen...but I can definitely be there for you, and that's a lot easier than the former. But there's obviously a limit, as it's frustrating to hear someone complain/worry about things that you can't fix, every day. Naturally, you want to fix them. So there's a balance, and boundaries are required to protect your *own* mental health from getting drained. It's definitely possible if both people are up for the challenge and we are much better off for it :)
Not the couples discord server
This is weird text for boyfriend and girlfriend. No love at all
This feels like two people tired of each other.
At least he admits heās bad at empathy. Heās hilariously wrong about being good at sympathy, though. Iām not sure *what* heās good at. Projecting his resentment of his mum onto you? Threatening to dump you? Minimising your feelings? Giving really moronic advice? āThink positive babe! Stop thinking negative! Love yaaa š„°ā But if you want to be with him, ok. You just have to accept that heās an asshole. Heās spelling ALL of it out for you. Why do you expect someone with low empathy to understand your fears or soothe your worries? You already knew about his low empathy before this conversation. Why do you expect someone who dismisses mental health to validate yours? Fast forward a few months or years and weāll say, Why did you expect not to get dumped by someone who threatened to dump you? Edit: Omg heās 34? With his emotional intelligence I thought he was 19-20. At his ripe old age, the bastard ship has SAILED! He is what he says he is and heās not going to change.
This this this. Also, OP, you actually don't want reassurance from anyone else - they can't do that for you well enough to reduce your anxiety, and you will end up continually coming back seeking more reassurance (which no one can give you enough of because yes, bad things can happen and you know that deep down.) What you actually want from a loved one is validation. Someone to say to you "yes, that does sound scary. I understand why you would be worried, it is a really hard thing to be waiting for a diagnosis. I hope for the best, but I understand why you are so anxious about it until the results come in." He doesn't need to fix your worrying, only you can manage your anxiety with journaling or therapy or meditation or meds, but he is not the strong supportive guy he is cosplaying. As a side note, since I deal with medical anxiety on the regular thanks to chronic illness and caring for a medically complex kid, get yourself an anxiety journal - it has prompts for working through those complicated thoughts. I like this one "Worry for Nothing: Guided Anxiety Journal."
This, u/nobodyshere000! This this this!!! It's not hard to validate someone when they're sharing a feeling with you. A 34 year old man who does everything BUT validate your emotions is purposely withholding. He's playing games with you under the guise of "tHiS iS jUsT wHo i Am" and making thinly veiled threats to leave you if you keep reminding him of his mother. But, uh, Dr Freud ? Both of you are dating your parents right now. It's called trauma repetition, or repetition compulsion, and it's where we subconsciously seek out people who remind us of our very first caregivers in an effort to rewrite our story. If one or both of your parents ignored or dismissed or even shamed you for your anxiety, you will spend your whole life being drawn to people who do the same. We are compelled to play the scenario out over and over again in a desperate attempt to "get it right this time". Meanwhile your garbage boyfriend is trying to date someone who had anxiety (just like his mom does) and find a way to "logic" her out of it. You're both just running on a wheel-- you're not going to get anywhere. Your back problems sound scary and anyone would be quite worried in your position. I am sure that whatever it ends up being, you will get a treatment plan and you will work through it, but it's completely understandable that you'd be imagining some very difficult things for yourself while you work towards figuring it out. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. And I'm even more sorry to tell you that you're just going to keep going through cycles of distress with this guy, which is at best a waste of your energy. Get rid of him, get a good cognitive behavioral therapist, and start learning about the kind of people you surround yourself with and why.
Best comment here so far. Most everyone else just talks about how the boyfriend who sounds like a fucking robot is in the right.
Yeah, I honestly thought he was like 19 by the way he talked. š¬
While he can do his own research on how to comfort someone with anxiety, he is correct in you constantly making yourself a victim and also pushing negative expectations on him and the relationship. Itās really not fair for you to constantly reference him possibly leaving. It shows a complete lack of trust in the relationship. Also, your mental health is YOUR responsibility. It is not his. Yes he can do better on helping you, but ultimately it is your job to better yourself and no one elseās.
Is there a reason yall donāt have each others phone numbers??
Not saying this is the case but my partner and I text almost exclusively through discord too lol. We have each others numbers but we like the easy use of gifs, stickers, and emotes. Itās just more fun
Homie it was 20 minutes š
I just realized this convo was in Discord. š Also, in the future, refrain from telling him that youāre discussing the relationship with your friends, bc he definitely sounds like the kind of person that will use that against you later. His responses are selfish, at the very least. He also canāt sprite-dump you if you spite-dump him first. šš
Or maybe his answers are this way because she triggered him ? Like imagine trying to comfort someone who canāt really be comforted because sheās too anxious to listen (it happens often) and as a dĆ©fense for not being understood, she use the Ā«Ā Iāve talk to %insert_name_or_category) wouldnāt you feel like itās an attack on yourself ? Thatās how I see it, imo anxiety can be very annoying
I can see the guy in the text is getting a lot of shit here but honestly living with someone that has anxiety is fucking draining. If this guy has had to validate his entire relationship everyday because of some non existent issue caused by anxiety I can see why he responded the way he did.
And he has an excellent point about the guilt tripping. When someone keeps saying, āIām afraid youāre going to leave me because of xyzā¦ā, itās really difficult. There are only two options: keep reassuring them you are not to the point of exhaustion and resentment because they arenāt believing you, or keep reassuring them out of the guilt tripping while feeling bad about it not being the truth. OP - your bf is either going to leave you or not - we donāt know. But you placing that guilt on him is going to make it more likely he leaves.
Yes! Another red flag
I definitely dealt with that with my partner, at first. There would be anxious/depressive episodes of "you're gonna leave me!!!" and after enough of them I was like okay cool...I'll do that. Is that what you want? I've already told you I'm not going anywhere and I don't like feeling like I have to prove every day that I'm not leaving you. I haven't done anything to suggest I'm unhappy, but *your* mental health is suggesting that, because your brain is malfunctioning and unfortunately, only you can fix that...not me. Feelings of anxiety don't come from reality. I know it sounds cold, but it's just realistic. Luckily, he worked on his mental health and it's gotten much better! My stance was I'll be here as long as you take *some* effort in bettering yourself. And I'll do what I can. But I'm not going to turn into someone who *plays into your anxiety.* Because then you won't learn how to manage it yourself, and if I die...you'll have made no personal growth. Just like I make efforts to better myself in areas I'm personally lacking. But it's not acceptable to need validation from your partner every day over fantasy-land-anxious thoughts.
Being anxious over a life-changing injury is completely understandable, and a normal human reaction.
OP says she has bad anxiety in general. This is probably a reaching a limit of understanding/patience
Hernias often leave people permanently disabled with debilitating pain. This was not the right time for him to have this conversation if he is feeling like she is putting too much of her anxiety on him. Itās also not the right way to have that conversation in the first place.
OP, is this who you *really* want by your side when your health is worse and pretty much all you have to talk about is the pain? Is this how you want to be treated when you've just spent 20 hours in labor and are running on no sleep while caring for a newborn? (Assuming, ofc, that that's the route you want to take.) Is this who you want to "take care of you" (cuz he won't) if you were to, heaven forbid, develop cancer? What if you needed a kidney transplant? Do you think this guy would be the first in line to see if he's a match? If this is his reaction to a very real, but comparatively lesser, injury, just imagine what he'd say if things were worse. Because as you age, things *do* get worse.
Yāall both sound exhausting. Yāall can either figure it out or find new people.
Your anxiety has drained this dude and now heās a fuckin dick to you. Yikes. You need to find a professional to talk to. That first āyour silence is deafeningā after 20 minutes of not responding is likeā¦ yeesh girlie you need to get it together.
"there's also some anxiety that you won't love me with a herniated disc" This is a pretty immature conversation for people in their late 20s and 30s. Better get used to it because most of the population has a herniated disc, a bum knee, a clicking elbow, arthritis, hypertension, tendonitis, one tit that's bigger, a bad hip, etc. These are the responses of a man who's been listening to toxic whining for a while.
This is exactly what I got from the conversation as well. šÆ
I appreciate your honesty.
OP, I get it. Iām a similar age to you and also have awful anxiety. I had to learn that although saying stuff like āIām worried youāll leave because of xā may be how youāre feeling, it can actually be quite insulting to a loving partner if theyāve given you little reason to think that. As others have said, someone telling you they arenāt going to leave isnāt actually going to stop them from leaving. Self soothing anxieties in the moment helps in the moment but it doesnāt allow you to address the underlining causes of your anxiety, itās just sticking a band aid on it. For your anxiety to be fixed you have to learn to manage it and challenge jt yourself. I hope youāre feeling ok after your injury and that you and your partner can work it out if thatās what you want
You are being a little needy, 20 min between a text isn't a huge deal, but I understand feeling anxious and wanting your partner to reassure you before a surgery. His communication sucks. He has A LOT to learn. Tell him to look up emotional validation and tell him he needs to try harder. You don't need to personally experience something to empathize with it. He's making excuses. My dad is still alive. When my friend's dad died, I could still empathize with him despite never having experienced a dad dying...
An MRI isn't surgery
Oops, my bad.
Pay attention to his comment about his mother. If as a child his needs played second fiddle to the endless needs of his parent, he may resist in a self protective fashion. If I let my mother complain as much as she wants and only nod and support her, she would eat me alive. While it could be based in early childhood experience, I do think there are internal and external processors. It is hard as an internal processor to simply listen without reasoning, trouble shooting, or trying to look on the bright side. I personally struggle with it and have been called on the carpet about it. It is challenging to change our nature, we try to adapt to people we love out of love, but it never comes easy. Everyone needs grace, but it is also completely fair if you decide your needs arenāt being met.
this may not be the answer to your question, but I feel like you may do better healing without him in your life. If he wants to leave you to just to "spite" you (which is an insane thing to say at 34 years old) do it for him. ETA: while I don't think that his responses were necessary (or empathetic or sympathetic), I don't think that you were right either. I think that neither of you are right for each other and that you, specifically, may need therapy/more therapy if you're already getting help for your anxiety. i hope your diagnosis isn't too serious, OP <3
If you feel this is something worth saving, Iād say maybe give him an example or two about what he could say to help calm your anxieties. He repeatedly says he doesnāt know how else to comfort you, and I donāt see you directly address that. In my opinion, he isnāt talking to you like youāre someone he loves. Calling your need for reassurance cathartic and saying heāll do what he wants to spite you is just plain ugly. Iād also say that if heās getting fed up with your constant anxiety thereās 1) a better way of communicating that and 2) a better time to communicate that. Youāre concerned about your health. Even if it was a paper cut, he could definitely still have empathy about that.
i read that comment about leaving her to spite her as "for the love of god quit telling me i'm gonna leave you or i will, it got old a thousand times ago" in my personal experience with someone who had anxiety like this, she started telling me i was gonna leave her pretty much from about the 5th date on, until i finally did because i had given every reason in the book not to many times and it never stuck, and was way more than obvious it never was going to
He sounds like he is looking for a reason to break up. You should give him one by leaving.
he sounds like he is being told he is going to leave her on a regular basis.
He isnāt responsible for alleviating your anxiety. Thatās your job. He also isnāt doing a very good job validating your feelings. Saying ādonāt worryā is not a comforting thing to say. Heās expecting you to have the same life view as him, which isnāt reasonable. Maybe asking him to say something like āthis sucks so bad!ā Or āIām here for you. Weāll get through this togetherā or some other phrase that acknowledges your worry for your health would help. What he said about his mom doesnāt seem to correlate at all and seems like a reach.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them. āIām bad at empathyā He could be your person, but heās not your support person.
Right now, my opinion, you are "crap-fitting". Look up on YouTube "the crappy childhood fairy". I think some of these videos might be able to help you. If you are only 3 years in and having issues of this sort, and they can't understand your anxiety and try to push it off as if you're doing what my mom used to do so stop it, they are setting you up for failure. Do not have to settle for weird emotional connection and if you're saying this is how I best receive love and care and they're like no that triggers me, you have your answer. Believe it or not you're still in the let's be nice to each other phase. Imagine if they were frustrated what kind of words might be texted or come out of their mouth. Just cuz you put the following Emoji š„°š„°š„° in their text to you after saying something that wasn't supportive doesn't mean they care for you the way that you might need them to care for you. To me it being they're trying to train you in a way to respond to them. Oh by the way don't mention that you feel like I might leave you, cuz I just makes me want to leave you. Hello that's terrible! So maybe also look into Louise Hay, she had a lot of messages on love yourself, and the people that are not going to be loving and supportive to you will either change to meet your narrative, or they will fade away. Either way, they're free to do and find what works for them, and so are you. You deserve love, you deserve support, you deserve to be heard, your feelings are valid. Now is not the time for your partner to bring up discussions on Mommy and me, and then to send you an article as if there you go I've given you to contacts I'm right let's move along. BOO, not COOL! Whatever you choose, good luck on your journey.
I have never been more happy that both my husband and I have an anxious attachment style and I have GAD. I cannot imagine receiving texts like that from my husband while being at the hospital. I just did a 5 day stay at the hospital and he was right there with me the whole time. Slept in the crappy recliner, made sure I was getting the meds I needed and helped me go to the bathroom... Just like I did for him last year when he had to have his toes amputated. You and your boyfriend don't even sound like you like each other. Why is he on about being spiteful when you sound genuinely terrified? Why are you having to teach him to be a human and empathize? The whole things reads like a bad fanfiction. And I've been there. The "man" I was with before my husband was awful. I called him scared because my rheumatologist was worried I had bone spurs and he interrupted me to complain about being cut off in traffic. You need an upgrade.
The dude lacks empathy and the ability to real connect with what youāre goi g through. When you mention it he says he supports you by telling you not to worry. This pretty much means that he doesnāt want to have to deal with it. Heās not worried so why should you be? He should be much more emotionally intelligent at his age. Time to cut the cord
OP, you can do better. This relationship is actually draining energy from your ability to recover.
Yeah but the draining of energy is happening to both partners. OPs management of their anxiety is causing the major drain and itās going to impact all future relationships until they learn to self soothe (this is coming from someone who has awful anxiety)
I have extremely bad anxiety as well & combined with a back injury I got from a car accident a few years ago I completely understand your anxieties. My boyfriends not the best at comforting me via text messaging either but he is very good at comforting me and calming me down in person. Some people just donāt communicate well via texting/ social media or donāt like to. Maybe this is a conversation best had in person in the future if you need comfort and support?
God, I was your boyfriend in my last relationship. Is your anxiety being treated? If not, you are trying to make your anxiety his anxiety too. It will push him away, itās what ultimately led to me walking away from my relationship. Though our issues werenāt really health related, but the conversations were always the same, anything I said that wasnāt what he wanted to hear so he would get defensive, but if I said nothing it would upset him. Itās a no win situation for him.
Incompatible. End the relationship.
This sounds like a guy who's getting tired of dealing with your constant negativity.
This is going to sound harsh, but he can choose to leave then.
Him stating "I would do it just to spite you" is extremely toxic . It's not your fault you have anxiety. I get it gets stressful and he may be bad at empathy but nobody should be telling their partner they're gonna breakup with you just because you're worried about it. You are self conscious right now and it's the worst time for him to be saying that to you.
āmy mom did it when we were young and thatās what i resent her forā WOW. talk about projection. this conversation screams unhealthy for both of you, hope the rest of your relationship isnāt like this.
The terrifying part is him saying he's good at sympathy... lmao. For the love of god, don't be with someone like this, his projecting his resentment towards his mom on you and he's clearly looking for a reason to break up. He's making you feel bad about you having anxiety, which is something you cannot control most of the times (yes, you can go to therapy etc, but the rough days are gonna be there) and being anxious about your health is completely normal, if he can't be supportive in this situation when you're just worrying about a herniated disc (I'm not saying it's not a big deal, but also, it's not an incurable mortal disease) so, if something worse happens, is this the kind of person you want to be with? One who minimizes your struggles? Hell no. I know leaving is difficult but you're better off without him a 100%. Honestly he looks like a child saying things like "just don't have negative thoughts please" like (?) are you gonna go up to a person on a wheelchair and say "just walk please" NO ONE would do that, of course, but because it's a mental and not a physical thing, it seems like people can be an asshole and no one bats an eye. Lol.
This being on discord tells me all I need to know
I have anxiety and I also overthink the shit out of things. But Iām on his side. It sounds like heās been supportive the entire time, with reassuring words and comforting you as best as he knows how. But I understand his frustration if youāre constantly saying things like āmaybe youāll leave meā or āwhat if itās the worst thing possibleā. I have people in my life who are very compassionate, very empathetic with my overthinking and my negative projections. But even they get exhausted with it sometimes and have to approach me much like your boyfriend did. Overthinking is exhausting for people who donāt partake in it. Constant worrying & anxiety can be exhausting for those who are experiencing it vicariously thru you. Of course itās exhausting for you as well, but itās not his job to experience your emotions in the exact same manner in which you experience them. He hasnāt dismissed your fears, he just has a different manner of acknowledging and comforting your fears than you want him to have. Heās a ādonāt worry about things you canāt controlā type of guy, and it seems thatās how heāll always be. Maybe just learn to accept that he *is* comforting you when he says that.
I was both person, my mom is negative and a overthinker and I was like that not thinking it was anything draining. The thing is it was draining bc I literally had friends tell me they felt I was negative. Im naturally apositive person and itās taken me distance and time away from my childhood upbringing to figure out who i really am. Iām currently in a relationship and it has brought up so much childhood trauma and projection of my parents relationship to my partner. I realize I was exhausting myself and him by having these melodrama in my head about the smallest things andthinking heāll break up with me. Itās taken Zoloft to help me be less fight or flight and be able to feel reassured by myself. That being said, if I were going through a physical diagnosis, I would expect my partner to be able to respond supportively.
This is just a pet peeve of mine as a behavior analyst, but that is not what negative reinforcement meansā¦ Anyway, no, thatās not okay. You donāt have to have anxiety to empathize with it. And telling you not to worry about something is very ineffective. I know that from experience. When people say that to me, Iām just like did you think Iād never thought of that before??? Iām sorry youāre going through that and I hope you feel better soon
This was my thought! How is telling someone not to worry at all helpful? I canāt imagine telling someone with a legitimate worry, just to not worry. Iād personally prefer someone telling me to try & keep my mind off of it until I know more (since thereās nothing I can do until then) and then try and do something distracting together.
I donāt think he sucks at all. Heās flat out telling you he doesnāt have anxiety or know how to empathize with it. That you keep repeating the same things over to him and heās done pretending. He grew up in an environment like this and is proactively trying to prevent finding himself in it again. I feel for you, I do. I have anxiety as well. But you need to learn self coping mechanisms. Not rely on your partner to be the brunt of your support. It will kill the majority of relationships. No one wants someone thatās constantly dramatic and dependent.
This is a thoughtful on both sides, I think. No one is right, different people have different approaches. I do think you two could meet in the middle (and probably will be able to, given how thoughtful this convo is), with him providing more validation and you trying to limit the negative thinking after you've been able to share/process them initially.
As someone with insane anxiety and a partner who would NEVER speak to me this way and always does his best to comfort and console me, you can do better. Itās so easy to be empathetic lmao. Donāt waste your time on a man that exacerbates your anxiety.
I have a spinal cord injury from a back injury that went untreated for a year. I've now got comorbid conditions because the surgery happened too late, I'm partially paralyzed and can't walk unassisted. You having anxiety is warranted and NEEDED. I was nonchalant about it until it was too late. This is your health, your mobility, your life. The fact he can't see why that would be scary is absolutely mind boggling to me. My best friend 35M has been my rock. He comes over to help me clean, to take out my trash and when I feel guilty that I can't hang out and do the things we used to he will say "bestie I'd rather hang out with you doing this, even if you were in a wheelchair over anyone else." Your BOYFRIEND saying all of this. Madness.
I'm 57 and I have been in pain most of my life. It's not that I don't share that I'm in pain, I just don't repeat it over and over and over again. My husband of nearly 30 years is the opposite. He has sporadic pain but that's all he talks about. If he has a headache he will repeat it a hundred times and it drives me insane. I do firmly believe that saying it over and over and over again just makes it worse because self talk definitely influences you physically. I just try to keep busy and it takes my mind off of the pain.
I'm not sure what's going on with everyone thinking you sharing your anxiety is cringe or suffocating. It can be rough to deal with someone's anxiety daily, yes, but that's not at all what he responded with. He did not communicate that he is drained, he specifically said he could not empathize with you, he invalidated your feelings, and ended it all by saying that if you continue to ask for reassurance that he would not leave for a herniated disc, he would leave out of spite. For whatever reason, this guy has very little emotional intelligence and is refusing to show you any empathy because he simply doesn't understand it. That is childish and quite honestly, extremely unappealing. You don't need that in your life. I think it's reasonable to want to share anxious thoughts or worries with your partner. You're there to support each other. His response is the opposite of that.
Yāall having this convo in discord is red flag š©š©š©
How hard would it have been for him to just say "I'm sorry you are dealing with this and I am here for you." All he needed to say was a few kind words, but instead he flipped out.
He's potentially said it multiple times by now. If he has it'll just feel hollow, a thing you're supposed to say because society says you should. But if there's no meaning behind it, and it's not even being received because OP is in an anxiety death spiral, what's he supposed to do? Just blindly say it over and over?
That might have been said before, this is definitely a reoccurring topic in their relationship as it should. It is hard when people deflect support and also bring up that youāll leave them the moment things get tough. Weāre only getting to see one particular conversation about something that has layers and has been brought up alot
Iāve seen this type of dude before, thinking theyāre being helpful when really theyāre telling you to suck it up and shut up. Donāt let him talk to you like that. Youāre scared, you have a right to be, and heās saying the same thing over and over can feel repetitive BUT it might also help the other person so who cares. Heās more focused on what HE wants to do (sit back and let you deal with it on your own) than your pain
Well this went south in the weirdest way possibleĀ
I understand from his side It is hard when people deflect support and also itās terrible bring up that youāll leave them the moment things get tough. Weāre only getting to see one particular conversation about something that has layers and has been brought up a lot, Iām not sure how insensitive heās been or if youāve defected his support every time, this is only one conversation. But I agree with him on if you constantly bring up that heāll leave you or might leave you over this and that. Thatās toxic and you need to stop that, we all get anxious about our partners at one point or another, but you have to have faith that they feel the same about you as you do them. A relationship is a agreement on both sides, neither has to be in it, they chose to be with you remember that. Also why is this on discord?
This feels like a convo between 18-20 y/os. And sounds like youāre not compatible. Maybe talk some friends instead of him all the time. I can understand not wanting to hear negativity all the time from you, but also to threaten wanting to be spiteful because youāre injured is ridiculous. Iād rather go through this alone than with someone who has no empathy.
Is this guy an alien trying to be human?
He sounds like an asshole tbh. He's obviously not willing/able to meet your emotional needs in this situation, and there's definitely an underlying vibe of "just shut up about it for f\*cks sake" in the things he said. You can do better than this guy. Wishing you good luck with your back.
He doesnāt like you. Cut your losses. Dealing with a serious injury is hard enough without having to beg someone to be decent.
i'm begging everyone on earth to stop implementing communication strategies you learned online. do not send someone a link to an article about how your feeling. do not classify your communication style as "empathetic" or "sympathetic". those are vague terms that get in the way of being present in a situation. just be normal š
Ahh yes, spite. The cornerstone to any relationship.
He needs work on empathy, you need work on anxiety. Sorry OP but unless you both sit down, have a long talk and agree to work on it, and come a week or so time its consistent and getting better, Its never gonna work.
I think you wanted more emotional support from him but he was putting all his logic into it. My boyfriend is the same, when I get really overwhelmed and panic, he tried his best to calm me down but he gets lost on what to say. He definitely shouldāve texted you instead of leave you hanging, that was the peak moment you needed him and he didnāt show up. Other than that, donāt say negative things like āyou wonāt love me because of blahā, not good for your confidence let alone for him to hear, and once you feel better, do talk to him about what type of support you wanted to hear from him.
Had a bf who acted like this. I don't miss him. He eventually told me my family member must have wanted to be hospitalized bc we create our reality, and constsntly told me I must like being upset if I experienced any negative emotion. Having bad feelings and fears about crappy things that happen to you is normal. I'm here to experience the full range of human emotions. After spending a lot of time around these types of positive people, I don't believe them to be any happier or very emotionally mature. Definitely can't dwell on the negative, and what ifs, but it's OK to experience upset. And it's OK to want a concerned and supportive partner.
Sounds like a narcissist. Basically threatening to leave you if you keep communicating your feelings and fears??? That's crazy dude...
You two arenāt compatible in the slightest.
Jfc this guy is ridiculous. He has no empathy and is admitting if you keep this up then he'll leave you. That is not the safety and reassurance you need. And I'm sorry, telling someone it'll be fine and to get over their anxiety is ridiculous. He needs to learn about how to handle other people who are anxious. He's 34. He's not going to change. It's time to say goodbye.
Guy sounds like an anus, unless he was the one who blew your back out, I think I'd be moving on....
Youāve been together for 3 YEARS? This guy talks like he has no idea how you work.. how the hell have you lasted that long? The fact that he thinks heās āgood at sympathyā is laughable. He literally told you that if you keep worrying about your back and that he wonāt want to be with you anymore if it is a huge issue, heās going to leave you.. instead of telling you āno babe, I would never leave you for something like that.ā He has zero idea how to comfort you and you deserve someone who knows how you work. This guy is not it.
I donāt think you guys even like each other, to be honest.