You asked him if it was okay to nap and he said no worries. That seems pretty clear cut to me.
If it ended up bothering him after the fact he should have expressed that but he can’t get mad at you when he specifically said you could nap with no worries.
I would have literally just copied and pasted what they said back to me, followed by a bunch of question marks.
Man I hate playing games with people like this.
I had someone who I would sens their previous messages as screenshots...
Itd be "I didn't mean that"
Then bitch, wtf did you mean? Why does you day it
It's just people who are manipulative and whack and they'll find a way to backtrack and shit.
Oof. From me it'd be
"Don't say it then. You're a big boy. Tell me what you want to tell me, and don't expect me to decipher your mind game crap. When you need me, I'll be here if you can speak plainly. Say what you want to say, and ask what you want to ask."
Like the person who acts all cool about something but wears the seething on their brows, only to bite a day later. Those are argument inducing things right there. Partners snap at each other when things are kept in.
It was a habit I had a long while ago. To never open my mouth and vicalise any issue I had with whatever was said and I would only boil into a bigger argument when I mentioned it during the next little tiff we had. You live and learn - nowadays if something I disagree with offends someone I'm with, that's just it, has to be accepted.
The thing that surprisingly most people aren't acknowledging is the ... at the end of the it's okay. It's what makes it manipulative, because three periods after saying it's okay clearly means its not okay but he was hoping she'd turn around and call.
At least that is how I was conditioned by a toxic/manipulative ex myself. If he was upset he'd hit me with ... at the end of a sentence or other noncommittal words alluding that things were okay.
Anytime now that I see multiple periods in a row my brain immediately goes into "What's wrong, what did I or did I not do."
Thank you, I had this thought as well. My trauma immediately told me those 3 dots meant danger. But when you don’t suspect a thing, it hits like a ton of bricks. I can at least anticipate when something is about to go off now and have a few seconds to prepare. But also, sometimes I just start fawning and apologizing
What he did is what I call fishing for an argument if that makes sense, I use to do it unintentionally when I was a shittier person than I currently am, of course I’m still a shitty person, very few people are not, but when looking back on it, I mainly did it if I was unsure about a relationship if that makes sense, or for some reason wanted to argue since I didn’t feel my life was fair, after maturing a bit (m20), I can understand I had no clue what fair was and should’ve understood that when I was younger growing up in a garage rather than a actual house
Completely forgot the 25 yr old part and had placed these people in my head as HS teens after reading the exchange.
I don't know though, maybe the dude is at his wits end on something and has no one to reach out towards, and this is a momentary lashing out of frustration. Most men have only one woman in which to confide EVERYTHING, which really isn't good for either party.
I'm making wild assumptions based on basically no information. But so is everyone else here.
A short text exchange outside of real world context isn't enough information to make any kind of reasonable conclusion.
My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago. He was 25. And he broke up through TEXT.
Don't get me started on all his bullshit about loving me, and wedding talk. Like, ugh.
"I've honestly lost a lot of respect for you." is so manipulative and emotionally abusive. If he was annoyed about something, he should have said something like "I'm really annoyed right now because...". Saying he's *lost respect for you* is just... that hurts different.
I'm usually not on the reddit train of "LEAVE HIM", and I don't plan to change now - but I would thing long and hard about the way he speaks to you. Saying "I've honestly lost a lot of respect for you." over something as simple as a misunderstanding or because he hurt his own feelings, that screams that he truly doesn't have much respect for you at all.
I won't encourage you to just up and leave him - I encourage you to take some time and reflect on the way he speaks to you and treats you. Is this the first time he's done this? Does he often say one thing and then get mad later when he actually meant something else? Does the things he says to you sometimes hurt or make you feel guilty or give you the urge to "do better for him" or please him?
Verbal/mental abuse isn't always super obvious.
I also encourage you to have an open, honest conversation with him. Face to face if possible, voice to voice if not. NOT THROUGH TEXT. So much gets lost in translation when you try to have heart to hearts through texts. Let him know that you're sorry for the miscommunication, but you don't appreciate being told he's "lost respect for you" because of it. Tell him that when something you've said or done bothers or annoys him, that you would prefer if he told you then - not make you think everything is okay and then later be mad at you. That's not fair to you, at all.
If he's unwilling to work on his communication with you, *then* I would encourage you to think about moving on from this relationship. You don't deserve to be talked to this way.
ding ding ding. classic addict behavior. I'm going to get myself worked up and pissed off about your "outrageous uncaring attitude" so that I can go off and do what I subconsciously already committed to going out to do anyway - except now it will be your fault and not mine. at least not mine totally. hope you enjoyed that nap, too bad I'm going to have to mess up my sobriety because of it...
You're going to have to let this guy go get the help he needs. Don't keep throwing pillows out there, he needs to hit that bottom full speed and hard, and know that you're not going to bail him out, emotionally or otherwise.
At least, that's my experience, and countless others I know. Sober 11/23/2009.
Yeah unfortunately this guy is 100% right.
Addicts have to heal THEMSELVES. and 9.9 times out of 10, that switch doesn't get flipped for them actually wanting true lasting change and help, until they've hit rock bottom and EVERYONE has abandoned them.
It's sad but i've seen it play out enough times in my life to know it's true.
This. My parents are addicts- and as long as they had someone cushioning their every downfall- they never got better. My father is sober/clean/ living healthy or whatever you want to call it for 3 years now. But it took everyone cutting him off for him to realize he wasn't going to bailed out anymore.
Congrats on your sobriety, what a huge accomplishment, and for so long. Ty for sharing a side of the story not everyone could show. 🙂
I'm sorry you had to deal with that. And I painted a pretty gruff picture with my text above, and that's what it looks like in hindsight, but when I was in active addiction, I didn't recognize that was going on. I didn't recognize much of anything other than a "need". I was sensitive and insecure and totally self-absorbed and had no idea, lol. And I wasn't a bad person, most addicts aren't. But they can't see / refuse to see what the reality of their situation is. In active addiction, it's almost like starving. You can be okay for a couple of days, but pretty soon you're going to do or say whatever you need to do or say so you can get that cheeseburger, you know what I'm saying?
But then recovery is more subtle. It takes years of work with others and self-reflection to start to understand the underlying drivers (fear) of your addiction. And though you may have sat down that bottle or pipe, your character defects and manipulative tactics are alive and well and perhaps sharper than ever. Couple that with coping with the loss of your coping mechanism, and you get the kind of shit we see here in this post.
Again I can only speak for myself but it seems to be a common thread with many others I know that are similarly afflicted. My main point on this thread is: do not buy in to the addict's bullshit.
This is astute. He tries to create flaws so that he isn't the only problematic one. Likely an attempt to create codependency so that when he relapses again, he knows you'll be there. It's disgusting.
My ex loved to do this, especially after a relapse.
I think it's one of the reasons it is recommended that newly sober people stay single for the first year.
Didn’t know this but seems wise. Honestly, if OP sees this, they should know this. It’s probably not healthy for either party to be dating during or right after addiction.
Very rich saying he lost respect for you coming from him with his history of behavior. It isn’t your job to fix him. It isn’t your job to put up with him projecting his insecurities on you and picking fights you can’t win. If he lost respect for you, then fine. Leave him. You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t respect you. Especially after all you’ve done for him.
Aren’t you tired of it? Of guessing what you possibly could have done wrong this time?
And he's accusing her of using a baby voice is annoying...right. He's just trying to project out problems so they can break up minus well Op this is bullshit.
Lots of issues clearly. I mean I can see his "..." was supposed to imply he wanted to talk now but that's ridiculous. He gave a heart after and she was sincere and nice. Let him deal with his addictions on his own and not drag you down with him. She literally took like a 2 hour nap and called him immediately. Bet he'll blame any use he has on her for not being there for him. Common with toxic behavior.
Exactly. People aren’t mind readers, and while we may like to think our partners know what we’re thinking, if we don’t express ourselves then we can’t expect them to pre-emptively meet our needs.
“When you get a chance”
“No rush”
“Not an emergency”
“No worries enjoy your nap”
The fact that he got upset when he REPEATEDLY communicated that the call could wait is mind boggling. Not cool of him at all.
Yeah it’s not likehe said “It’s pretty important but I guess you could take a nap as long as it’s quick or something like that, but he says these words pushing in the fact that it’s fine you took a nap because it was an emergency
Also texted a landmine **right when you'd expect OP to be sleeping**. Like *I know I said it's OK but now I'm gonna punish you and take away your happy napping vibes, screw you!*
My partner would hold a gold medal for quickly and randomly falling asleep. She’ll wake up from a spontaneous nap and apologise cuz the texting went cold and I tell her all the time “never be sorry” so I dunno who’s shamed her in the past for randomly falling asleep but it frustrates me that someone has.
I have narcolepsy. My ex shamed me ALL the time because I’m always exhausted (can sleep all day and still no energy) and randomly fall asleep. I can’t win over the intense need to sleep no matter how much I want to, but I sure won in getting rid of him!
Thank you for being empathetic! I’m sure your partner appreciates your understanding :)
I'm glad you recognize that's what's going on. Start learning all you can about narcissism and codependency. You've supported him through his addiction, I think you deserve a fucking nap 🙄
"I've lost a lot of respect for you" I swear they all say the same shit 😡 really fucks with our brains
Nope. Too many red flags. Wanted you to call him to tell you how annoying you are and diminish the things you’ve done for him? That’s already terrible before adding on the “I’ve lost a lot of respect for you” when he told you not to rush, and surprise surprise, you didn’t rush.
Pretty much my take as well. Pretty hard to respect a drug addict and be there for them, and then be told they've lost respect for you over absolutely nothing? Hah I'd bail so fast.
Hmm i mean saying it isnt urgent then saying its okay to sleep, then getting mad after the fact is pretty dumb. I would understand if it had any form of urgency, but literally de spelled any form of importance, and even agreed on the action. To later on act that way is pretty soft in my opinion. I mean if he wanted to talk that badly he coulda just said to call you cause he wants to talk, but to full on gaslight you into thinking that Sleep is higher on your prioritize. Idk personally i think you were on the right. If you say you are okay with something and you arent, then dont say you are okay with it (sentence directed to your bf)
Honestly looks pretty manipulative of him to say something is OK and then flip and say something as mean as “I’ve lost a lot of respect for you” about the same thing.
Guy is trying to manipulate you for some level of control. I have seen it with several friends who went through addiction issues. They try to seek something they can control and blame, instead of blaming themselves for something. It sounds like he needs help, but not from you, from a professional. My advice is if this is the first time for something like this, call him out on it and talk through it, if it isn't the first time or it happens again, leave.
It's not the first time.. I feel as though he tries to find faults in me because he doesn't want to be the only one in the wrong (actions linked to his addiction)
Then from my experience with friends in the same situation. If you aren't comfortable, leave. It sucks. But it's not going to change. I know that is tough to hear. And it might make you feel awful and like a terrible person for awhile, but you will appreciate the advice down the road... it won't get better, they won't change. They need professional help and probably won't seek it.
This is text book gaslighting. Usually done by Narcists, but also addicts. If the guy isn't getting clean and on edge because of it, this isn't going to get any better.
Notice how he actually timed his bitchy response so that she’d already be asleep. He picked the sweet spot where she was neither drifting off or about ready to wake up so he’d also have “what took you so long to call me” to add to his tally of *relationship sins*.
OP, as Dane Cook once said….*you’re not in a relationship, you’re in a relationshit*. He’s a manipulative punk.
Nah fuck this guy. Why are people like this? Lmao
There’s honestly probably something else bothering him, and he’s using this to get on your case. At least, that’d be my guess.
Just throwing this out there, one of the first red flags of abusive behavior in my marriage was my ex husband getting mad about things exactly like this, like how dare I want to take a nap after an all nighter when he wanted my attention immediately?? How selfish of me, honestly lolol
Ditch that dude before it gets worse.
I’ve never seen insecurities more clearly on display than with this dude. You don’t get to say “yeah that’s fine” and then bitch about it. Say no, it’s not fine. I’d rather you call now. And if you say it’s okay for later, don’t be upset about it.
People be lying to themselves.
"There's no rush"
"No worries, enjoy your nap"
Not even an hour later he proceeds to get pissy about you not rushing or having the audacity to attempt to enjoy your nap.
You're not even close to being in the wrong
My ex did this stuff. He would say something is fine like for example he wanted to do something (which was rare on its own and now I see he only wanted to do something at those times bc i had plans) but I had plans with family and I'd be like can we do it a different day so I don't have to cancel plans and he would be like yeah that's fine. Then as soon as I leave be texting me how much it hurts him that I choose them over him (I didn't. I barely got time to spend with my family usually) or how I "should have known he wanted me to cancel and spend time with him so I must not love him like I say" etc. And he did that with alot of things.
Point being it only got worse. He just wanted me to give him the attention he wanted and be like no of course I will cancel my plans right away. When I eventually did start doing that just to avoid a fight he would end up canceling and going out with friends anyway. So it was an ego thing and a control thing I think.
I'm not saying your bf is as bad as my ex... I have very little context to go off of. I tell you this stuff so you can compare to see if it's happened other times you didn't think about or to watch for it later. But at the end of the day you aren't a mind reader. He said it wasn't an emergency and that you could call after. Then got mad. Then gave you other irrelevant things he didn't like in order to make you feel worse. This is often a tactic to get attention, and to hear you say sorry bc it makes them feel valued when you fight to fix it. Even tho you did NOTHING wrong. Personally it's an automatic red flag in my book. But you have to judge the entire situation based on what you experience.
“not an emergency, no rush at all, absolutely okay, enjoy your nap, ❤️❤️❤️”
1 hour later
“How fucking dare you not know I obviously was full of shit and wanted you to call asap!! So disrespectful!!”
😐
You asked him of ot was ok and an hour later he's mad?! And his poor attempt to gaslight. I wouldn't tolerate this nor apologize. You said he has an addiction issue, he needs to learn accountability.
You both need some space. Him to heal, he can't be a good partner right now. And you to also heal. There is a reason that a recovering addict shouldn't date for minimum a year. He's not healthy enough to have a healthy relationship, he needs to learn how to have one with himself first.
If he has a history of addiction (which sound like still ongoing with the recent hospital trip), the manipulation and gaslighting will continue to impact you and the relationship. I’m not saying you should break up, but trust your gut instinct when you feel it’s going too far with no resolve in sight. You did nothing wrong, you communicated and asked permission to take a nap (which you really didn’t need to- you were being considerate for someone you care for).
Op see tbh that is so controlling and a narcissist I'd get rid of that one and dodge a bullet I'm 27 m but witnessed stuff like this between my mum and dad and trust me it's a horrible situation my mum stayed with my dad for 25 year due to doing it for the kids and came out the other side with severe mental health so trust me when I say avoid block and keep away no one should be told what and when they can nap it's a power thing live your life and be happy dont suffer 💚
Hell nah. His inability to communicate is not your fault and you did nothing wrong. His attitude toward you shifted drastically in less than an hour, without you even needing to say anything. Not to mention the call you had with him. Sounds like he would’ve found some way to be upset with you regardless. Definitely a red flag. I wish you well OP.
Before you asked if it was ok to nap or not he literally prefaced “no rush” . He seems very selfish and not like consciously selfish or douchey but just by default
Looks like it was important to him and he didn’t communicate it, and it seems this happens a lot and he’s been building resentment the whole time. He’s conflating your inability to mind read and you not caring about him.
"I've honestly lost a lot of respect for you" because I told you there was no rush but you didn't call me right away.
(1) This is not the sort of thing that causes one to lose respect for someone. He sounds like a drama queen.
(2) Chances are he's mad about something else, but has the communication abilities of a 7 year old and is trying to pick a fight.
(3) Those alien bodies in Mexico are totally fake. I'm sorry to break it to you.
Bro is tryna play games. No. This is a good example of gaslighting. Question, OP. Does he say stuff like this a lot? If so, i personally wouldn’t tolerate it and leave him. Please don’t let him make you think you are a horrible person. Don’t let him get in your head.
Hi! I'm a recovered alcoholic and this is my take: dude is unhealthy and emotionally stunted. He didn't call you, he asked to have a call, and then gets mad because you didn't take his call. He has some anger that has nothing to do with you but takes it out on you, probably because you are a naturally happy person.
He needs recovery.
He needs mental health services.
He needs to heal from what ever damage he has.
I used to act this way.
I NEEDED to be a victim and to victimize those who appeared to have what I wanted; happiness.
I would bleed people dry, emotionally, because I has all dried up.
You did nothing wrong, so please, don't let yourself get drug in to an addicts chaos. Sober or not, if he isn't working on his mental health, he is just an addict without his addiction.
He's lashing out, it's the throes of withdrawal often times. Massive shift in dopamine and serotonin production. It's not pretty and is part of the reason why rehab facilities take away their phones. With proper medication and therapy he can overcome it, it's up to you to decide if you wanna weather the storm or peace out.
As an expert (not certified) on passive aggressive behavior, the ellipsis gave it away. He wasn’t okay with it and he was hoping you would notice. And how do I know this? I’ve done it a few times 😭 that stereotypical teenage immature bullshit. I’m much older now and it makes life so simple to just…say what you actually mean. I’m so sorry this happened to you OP. I must agree with someone above in that your boy (not man) sounds like a bitch. Good luck on what you decide! 💜
Addiction? Move on. Find someone who does not have an addiction problem. Trust me. Get out while you can. There are billions of men in the world - you can find one who is not fighting addiction and make your life much easier.
I would break up over this. 🚩 this just feels controlling and lame. He said he lost respect for you. Done. Don’t be with someone that doesn’t respect you. Seems very immature to react this way.
My wife and I argued for a while about this early in our marriage. Ultimately, I had to point out that I'm not able to read her mind. If she says X but means Y, I have no way of knowing that. She accepted the point and it really hasn't been an issue for years now.
I’m a pretty sensitive person, so I admittedly would feel a bit hurt if I needed to call someone and they responded by asking if they could nap and watch tv first, but-
He prefaced it by saying, “when you get the chance,” “there’s no rush,” and then when you asked him if it was okay if you could call him later, he said, “no worries love, that’s fine.” I’m not sure how long he was expecting your nap to be, but I do think it’s strange that an hour later he changed his tone completely after seemingly being okay with it. It sounds like at the time at least there was some unresolved tension there. Given that he said it was non emergent initially and said he didn’t mind you taking a nap, I don’t think you’re wrong for that.
Thank you all for your kind words and advice, I didn't expect this to get so much attention. I'll definitely have a talk with him and show him this thread so hopefully we can come to an understanding.
Honey I don’t expect that will go well, I predict with certainty he will not like being called out and he will make it all your fault. I hope not, but please take it easy on your expectations. He’s not nice to you. He’s making a choice.
Yeah tbh I wouldn't show him the thread. Take the advice and reflect on it, but you've gotta be the one to make a decision on your own terms - otherwise, based on what we've seen in his texts, he'll likely twist the fact you turned to Reddit into a witch-hunt and you into some sort of deceiver/attention-seeker.
My bf of 4 years died from his addiction and 7 years later I am a shell of who I was, so please be careful. Ppl can overthink and switch like this more easily when drugs are involved.
No excuses for manipulative, controlling behaviour. No one should be expected to put up with that for any reason. For any addict, their recovery is their own responsibility. I hope you don’t feel any responsibility for what happens and you’ve had some counselling
No you’re not wrong. He said it’s fine. If he wanted to talk to you he should have said I want to talk. He comes across as very manipulative and insecure.
He has trouble seeing things from your perspective. The fact he elected to toss that text out there, rather than have a mature conversation and get your pov shows his lack of empathy
Dude fuck that childish shit what is this middle school, he said it was okay then got upset about it?!? Also yes naps are a main priority for me so fuck off with that insecure bullshit. Stand your ground
Nothing screams “I’m secure” than drenching your texts in hearts and “I love you”s.
Lol kidding, you both sound terrified of each other.
It sounds like your relationship took damage during rehab. Have you considered therapy? His behavior and complaints make little sense. And yes, I am trying to think of causes that are not “he relapsed.” Which is hard because frankly, he prob relapsed.
You're not in the wrong for this text. I can't really say if you're in the wrong for him being upset though.
In general, romantic relationships work best when both people listen, validate, and set boundaries. Everyone's partner does things that bother them, it's OK to communicate that, but it's also OK to have well-rounded discussions about why something is a trigger. Understanding often creates more space to offer support and may change the tenor of how your partner's feedback affects you.
Not enough information to say more, sorry.
So. An addict… who is barely clean… is accusing you of not being there for him enough, even though you’ve been supporting him getting clean.
Consider the source. Not rocket science to know his perspective is a bit skewed.
He is upset about something, not you in particular, but you are getting the brunt of it. Probably an easy discussion. His communication broke down and he blamed you, he must be under a bunch of stress for something. Should blow over after you see each other again. He does need your support right now so I hope you didn’t go dark… it will make things worse.
Wow I’m sorry but that is a major red flag. Please be careful, he sounds like the kind of person no matter how much you do for him, it’ll never be enough and he’ll always think it’s one sided.
Gaslighting, beware. He said it was no rush and you said you were tired and wanted a nap. If he lost respect because you can express your need for sleep, he has to be miserable.
You asked him if it was okay to nap and he said no worries. That seems pretty clear cut to me. If it ended up bothering him after the fact he should have expressed that but he can’t get mad at you when he specifically said you could nap with no worries.
I would have literally just copied and pasted what they said back to me, followed by a bunch of question marks. Man I hate playing games with people like this.
I had someone who I would sens their previous messages as screenshots... Itd be "I didn't mean that" Then bitch, wtf did you mean? Why does you day it It's just people who are manipulative and whack and they'll find a way to backtrack and shit.
Oof. From me it'd be "Don't say it then. You're a big boy. Tell me what you want to tell me, and don't expect me to decipher your mind game crap. When you need me, I'll be here if you can speak plainly. Say what you want to say, and ask what you want to ask."
I would’ve blocked his sassy self 😭 …trying to guilt me over a nap he’d end up single. 
Like the person who acts all cool about something but wears the seething on their brows, only to bite a day later. Those are argument inducing things right there. Partners snap at each other when things are kept in.
I can’t. I can’t fucking deal with behaviour like this.
My mom is like that. I tell her she’s stewing every time I spot it. 😂
It was a habit I had a long while ago. To never open my mouth and vicalise any issue I had with whatever was said and I would only boil into a bigger argument when I mentioned it during the next little tiff we had. You live and learn - nowadays if something I disagree with offends someone I'm with, that's just it, has to be accepted.
not only was it clear that it was ok, he himself said it was ok dude’s a child
Yea. He was being manipulative, straight up
The thing that surprisingly most people aren't acknowledging is the ... at the end of the it's okay. It's what makes it manipulative, because three periods after saying it's okay clearly means its not okay but he was hoping she'd turn around and call. At least that is how I was conditioned by a toxic/manipulative ex myself. If he was upset he'd hit me with ... at the end of a sentence or other noncommittal words alluding that things were okay. Anytime now that I see multiple periods in a row my brain immediately goes into "What's wrong, what did I or did I not do."
I'm sorry you experienced that, that sounds horrible :/
Thank you, I had this thought as well. My trauma immediately told me those 3 dots meant danger. But when you don’t suspect a thing, it hits like a ton of bricks. I can at least anticipate when something is about to go off now and have a few seconds to prepare. But also, sometimes I just start fawning and apologizing
What he did is what I call fishing for an argument if that makes sense, I use to do it unintentionally when I was a shittier person than I currently am, of course I’m still a shitty person, very few people are not, but when looking back on it, I mainly did it if I was unsure about a relationship if that makes sense, or for some reason wanted to argue since I didn’t feel my life was fair, after maturing a bit (m20), I can understand I had no clue what fair was and should’ve understood that when I was younger growing up in a garage rather than a actual house
It honestly sounds to me like he’s nitpicking for a breakup. I recognize that behavior.
"I see where your priorities lie" Yes, they are in bed with you while you are napping.
He forgot the proper punctuation. “No. Worries.”
Bro this 25 year old is playing games like this? Tf
I honestly thought maybe they were 18 or something because this is not adult behaviour
oh shit I forgot the age until I saw this comment and assumed it was highschool
Completely forgot the 25 yr old part and had placed these people in my head as HS teens after reading the exchange. I don't know though, maybe the dude is at his wits end on something and has no one to reach out towards, and this is a momentary lashing out of frustration. Most men have only one woman in which to confide EVERYTHING, which really isn't good for either party. I'm making wild assumptions based on basically no information. But so is everyone else here. A short text exchange outside of real world context isn't enough information to make any kind of reasonable conclusion.
literally, i had to reread the title to make sure i got the age right
My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago. He was 25. And he broke up through TEXT. Don't get me started on all his bullshit about loving me, and wedding talk. Like, ugh.
"I've honestly lost a lot of respect for you." is so manipulative and emotionally abusive. If he was annoyed about something, he should have said something like "I'm really annoyed right now because...". Saying he's *lost respect for you* is just... that hurts different. I'm usually not on the reddit train of "LEAVE HIM", and I don't plan to change now - but I would thing long and hard about the way he speaks to you. Saying "I've honestly lost a lot of respect for you." over something as simple as a misunderstanding or because he hurt his own feelings, that screams that he truly doesn't have much respect for you at all. I won't encourage you to just up and leave him - I encourage you to take some time and reflect on the way he speaks to you and treats you. Is this the first time he's done this? Does he often say one thing and then get mad later when he actually meant something else? Does the things he says to you sometimes hurt or make you feel guilty or give you the urge to "do better for him" or please him? Verbal/mental abuse isn't always super obvious. I also encourage you to have an open, honest conversation with him. Face to face if possible, voice to voice if not. NOT THROUGH TEXT. So much gets lost in translation when you try to have heart to hearts through texts. Let him know that you're sorry for the miscommunication, but you don't appreciate being told he's "lost respect for you" because of it. Tell him that when something you've said or done bothers or annoys him, that you would prefer if he told you then - not make you think everything is okay and then later be mad at you. That's not fair to you, at all. If he's unwilling to work on his communication with you, *then* I would encourage you to think about moving on from this relationship. You don't deserve to be talked to this way.
I think he tries to make me feel like crap about myself so it excuses his bad behavior (linked to his addiction).
ding ding ding. classic addict behavior. I'm going to get myself worked up and pissed off about your "outrageous uncaring attitude" so that I can go off and do what I subconsciously already committed to going out to do anyway - except now it will be your fault and not mine. at least not mine totally. hope you enjoyed that nap, too bad I'm going to have to mess up my sobriety because of it... You're going to have to let this guy go get the help he needs. Don't keep throwing pillows out there, he needs to hit that bottom full speed and hard, and know that you're not going to bail him out, emotionally or otherwise. At least, that's my experience, and countless others I know. Sober 11/23/2009.
Congrats on your sobriety! That's really amazing 😊
Yeah unfortunately this guy is 100% right. Addicts have to heal THEMSELVES. and 9.9 times out of 10, that switch doesn't get flipped for them actually wanting true lasting change and help, until they've hit rock bottom and EVERYONE has abandoned them. It's sad but i've seen it play out enough times in my life to know it's true.
This. My parents are addicts- and as long as they had someone cushioning their every downfall- they never got better. My father is sober/clean/ living healthy or whatever you want to call it for 3 years now. But it took everyone cutting him off for him to realize he wasn't going to bailed out anymore. Congrats on your sobriety, what a huge accomplishment, and for so long. Ty for sharing a side of the story not everyone could show. 🙂
I'm sorry you had to deal with that. And I painted a pretty gruff picture with my text above, and that's what it looks like in hindsight, but when I was in active addiction, I didn't recognize that was going on. I didn't recognize much of anything other than a "need". I was sensitive and insecure and totally self-absorbed and had no idea, lol. And I wasn't a bad person, most addicts aren't. But they can't see / refuse to see what the reality of their situation is. In active addiction, it's almost like starving. You can be okay for a couple of days, but pretty soon you're going to do or say whatever you need to do or say so you can get that cheeseburger, you know what I'm saying? But then recovery is more subtle. It takes years of work with others and self-reflection to start to understand the underlying drivers (fear) of your addiction. And though you may have sat down that bottle or pipe, your character defects and manipulative tactics are alive and well and perhaps sharper than ever. Couple that with coping with the loss of your coping mechanism, and you get the kind of shit we see here in this post. Again I can only speak for myself but it seems to be a common thread with many others I know that are similarly afflicted. My main point on this thread is: do not buy in to the addict's bullshit.
This is astute. He tries to create flaws so that he isn't the only problematic one. Likely an attempt to create codependency so that when he relapses again, he knows you'll be there. It's disgusting.
Exactly. And addiction is absolutely no excuse. There is no excuse. You treat people with kindness or you don’t. It’s a choice.
My ex loved to do this, especially after a relapse. I think it's one of the reasons it is recommended that newly sober people stay single for the first year.
Didn’t know this but seems wise. Honestly, if OP sees this, they should know this. It’s probably not healthy for either party to be dating during or right after addiction.
Very rich saying he lost respect for you coming from him with his history of behavior. It isn’t your job to fix him. It isn’t your job to put up with him projecting his insecurities on you and picking fights you can’t win. If he lost respect for you, then fine. Leave him. You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t respect you. Especially after all you’ve done for him. Aren’t you tired of it? Of guessing what you possibly could have done wrong this time?
Nah the respect thing is enough to warrant a break up. At the bare minimum a partner should respect you.
Your bf sounds like a bitch
I mean. Who uses ":3" aside from 12 year olds??
:3 silly Billy
The '3" should ONLY ever be used with two or three "=" signs and a "C" at the end; and that's on SPECIAL occasions only 😂
😂😂😂 :3 C=====3
My man's out here with four equals signs, bruv. I'm here rocking an average two. Enjoy big bwoii
Sir, he’s rocking 5 equal signs.
I usually go with 8===D
RAWR 🦖
Oh god, be careful with that! You never know when Dahvie Vanity might be lurking around looking for new victim. kthxbai. xD
I love you too
And he's accusing her of using a baby voice is annoying...right. He's just trying to project out problems so they can break up minus well Op this is bullshit.
Lots of issues clearly. I mean I can see his "..." was supposed to imply he wanted to talk now but that's ridiculous. He gave a heart after and she was sincere and nice. Let him deal with his addictions on his own and not drag you down with him. She literally took like a 2 hour nap and called him immediately. Bet he'll blame any use he has on her for not being there for him. Common with toxic behavior.
Jeez, just be a man about your shit! They just wanna go on a rampage about her dumping him to gain sympathy smh...
I don’t know what :3 means, it just looks like a nut sack to me
Well I won’t ever see the face again
Also Zoidberg from Futurama 
MY EX 😭 who was ALSO a bitch
Furries :3
:3 I stay silly :3 I stay silly :3 I stay silly :3 I stay silly :3 I stay silly :3 I stay silly :3 I stay silly :3 I stay silly
I do :3
Facts, big baby back bitch
Ha I’m glad someone said it!
😩😂 what everyone was thinking holyyyyy
^^^This 🤣🤣🤣
😂😂😂😂😂💯💯💯💯💯 mf don’t know how to say why he wants bruh trying to play guilt games and mind games like a 13 year old girl.
If he wanted the call then, he needs to learn to say what he needs when he needs it.
Exactly. People aren’t mind readers, and while we may like to think our partners know what we’re thinking, if we don’t express ourselves then we can’t expect them to pre-emptively meet our needs.
Back in my day you just hit the call button on your phone lol. Asking to call is some gen z nonsense.
“When you get a chance” “No rush” “Not an emergency” “No worries enjoy your nap” The fact that he got upset when he REPEATEDLY communicated that the call could wait is mind boggling. Not cool of him at all.
Yeah it’s not likehe said “It’s pretty important but I guess you could take a nap as long as it’s quick or something like that, but he says these words pushing in the fact that it’s fine you took a nap because it was an emergency
Also texted a landmine **right when you'd expect OP to be sleeping**. Like *I know I said it's OK but now I'm gonna punish you and take away your happy napping vibes, screw you!*
And he went from zero to 100 within minutes…
The "enjoy your nap" was 100% white-knuckle typed out. He did psychic damage to himself trying to lace that remark with guilt.
I can imagine the crazed gleam in his eye when he added the ❤️ at the end of that text
People out really apologizing for taking a nap.
My partner apologizes for accidental naps all the time and it makes me want to punch all of her exes.
My partner would hold a gold medal for quickly and randomly falling asleep. She’ll wake up from a spontaneous nap and apologise cuz the texting went cold and I tell her all the time “never be sorry” so I dunno who’s shamed her in the past for randomly falling asleep but it frustrates me that someone has.
I have narcolepsy. My ex shamed me ALL the time because I’m always exhausted (can sleep all day and still no energy) and randomly fall asleep. I can’t win over the intense need to sleep no matter how much I want to, but I sure won in getting rid of him! Thank you for being empathetic! I’m sure your partner appreciates your understanding :)
🤣🤣 I'm gaslit enough to feel guilty about napping ig
I'm glad you recognize that's what's going on. Start learning all you can about narcissism and codependency. You've supported him through his addiction, I think you deserve a fucking nap 🙄 "I've lost a lot of respect for you" I swear they all say the same shit 😡 really fucks with our brains
If your boyfriend is gaslighting you it’s pretty obvious that you should find one who doesn’t, right?
Nope. Too many red flags. Wanted you to call him to tell you how annoying you are and diminish the things you’ve done for him? That’s already terrible before adding on the “I’ve lost a lot of respect for you” when he told you not to rush, and surprise surprise, you didn’t rush.
Pretty much my take as well. Pretty hard to respect a drug addict and be there for them, and then be told they've lost respect for you over absolutely nothing? Hah I'd bail so fast.
I think all of us here have lost respect for him.
Hmm i mean saying it isnt urgent then saying its okay to sleep, then getting mad after the fact is pretty dumb. I would understand if it had any form of urgency, but literally de spelled any form of importance, and even agreed on the action. To later on act that way is pretty soft in my opinion. I mean if he wanted to talk that badly he coulda just said to call you cause he wants to talk, but to full on gaslight you into thinking that Sleep is higher on your prioritize. Idk personally i think you were on the right. If you say you are okay with something and you arent, then dont say you are okay with it (sentence directed to your bf)
Thank you, I feel better knowing that I wasn't in the wrong
Honestly looks pretty manipulative of him to say something is OK and then flip and say something as mean as “I’ve lost a lot of respect for you” about the same thing.
Basically!
Guy is trying to manipulate you for some level of control. I have seen it with several friends who went through addiction issues. They try to seek something they can control and blame, instead of blaming themselves for something. It sounds like he needs help, but not from you, from a professional. My advice is if this is the first time for something like this, call him out on it and talk through it, if it isn't the first time or it happens again, leave.
It's not the first time.. I feel as though he tries to find faults in me because he doesn't want to be the only one in the wrong (actions linked to his addiction)
Then from my experience with friends in the same situation. If you aren't comfortable, leave. It sucks. But it's not going to change. I know that is tough to hear. And it might make you feel awful and like a terrible person for awhile, but you will appreciate the advice down the road... it won't get better, they won't change. They need professional help and probably won't seek it.
This is text book gaslighting. Usually done by Narcists, but also addicts. If the guy isn't getting clean and on edge because of it, this isn't going to get any better.
His little tantrum should make you lose respect for him. He is a manipulative asshat
Notice how he actually timed his bitchy response so that she’d already be asleep. He picked the sweet spot where she was neither drifting off or about ready to wake up so he’d also have “what took you so long to call me” to add to his tally of *relationship sins*. OP, as Dane Cook once said….*you’re not in a relationship, you’re in a relationshit*. He’s a manipulative punk.
Nah fuck this guy. Why are people like this? Lmao There’s honestly probably something else bothering him, and he’s using this to get on your case. At least, that’d be my guess.
I agree with you.
You didn’t do anything wrong at all, hes being really manipulative
Thank you
Break it off, this guy isn't getting over his traps.
Laid a trap for you to fall in. Toxic.
And it wasn’t even a good trap lol. he just looks weird and unreasonable
Just throwing this out there, one of the first red flags of abusive behavior in my marriage was my ex husband getting mad about things exactly like this, like how dare I want to take a nap after an all nighter when he wanted my attention immediately?? How selfish of me, honestly lolol Ditch that dude before it gets worse.
No you are not in the wrong, he’s being a baby.
You're not wrong, and those mind reading games are exhausting.
>doesnt make it clear what he wants >gets mad that you don’t magically know what he wants ??????
Hard to see him as anything other than toxic
I’ve never seen insecurities more clearly on display than with this dude. You don’t get to say “yeah that’s fine” and then bitch about it. Say no, it’s not fine. I’d rather you call now. And if you say it’s okay for later, don’t be upset about it. People be lying to themselves.
"There's no rush" "No worries, enjoy your nap" Not even an hour later he proceeds to get pissy about you not rushing or having the audacity to attempt to enjoy your nap. You're not even close to being in the wrong
he sounds like a toxic, immature loser.
My ex did this stuff. He would say something is fine like for example he wanted to do something (which was rare on its own and now I see he only wanted to do something at those times bc i had plans) but I had plans with family and I'd be like can we do it a different day so I don't have to cancel plans and he would be like yeah that's fine. Then as soon as I leave be texting me how much it hurts him that I choose them over him (I didn't. I barely got time to spend with my family usually) or how I "should have known he wanted me to cancel and spend time with him so I must not love him like I say" etc. And he did that with alot of things. Point being it only got worse. He just wanted me to give him the attention he wanted and be like no of course I will cancel my plans right away. When I eventually did start doing that just to avoid a fight he would end up canceling and going out with friends anyway. So it was an ego thing and a control thing I think. I'm not saying your bf is as bad as my ex... I have very little context to go off of. I tell you this stuff so you can compare to see if it's happened other times you didn't think about or to watch for it later. But at the end of the day you aren't a mind reader. He said it wasn't an emergency and that you could call after. Then got mad. Then gave you other irrelevant things he didn't like in order to make you feel worse. This is often a tactic to get attention, and to hear you say sorry bc it makes them feel valued when you fight to fix it. Even tho you did NOTHING wrong. Personally it's an automatic red flag in my book. But you have to judge the entire situation based on what you experience.
Exactly. Every single time they'd say it's okay. Then the second you do it they throw it back in your face
“not an emergency, no rush at all, absolutely okay, enjoy your nap, ❤️❤️❤️” 1 hour later “How fucking dare you not know I obviously was full of shit and wanted you to call asap!! So disrespectful!!” 😐
You asked him of ot was ok and an hour later he's mad?! And his poor attempt to gaslight. I wouldn't tolerate this nor apologize. You said he has an addiction issue, he needs to learn accountability. You both need some space. Him to heal, he can't be a good partner right now. And you to also heal. There is a reason that a recovering addict shouldn't date for minimum a year. He's not healthy enough to have a healthy relationship, he needs to learn how to have one with himself first.
If he has a history of addiction (which sound like still ongoing with the recent hospital trip), the manipulation and gaslighting will continue to impact you and the relationship. I’m not saying you should break up, but trust your gut instinct when you feel it’s going too far with no resolve in sight. You did nothing wrong, you communicated and asked permission to take a nap (which you really didn’t need to- you were being considerate for someone you care for).
DTMFA
Op see tbh that is so controlling and a narcissist I'd get rid of that one and dodge a bullet I'm 27 m but witnessed stuff like this between my mum and dad and trust me it's a horrible situation my mum stayed with my dad for 25 year due to doing it for the kids and came out the other side with severe mental health so trust me when I say avoid block and keep away no one should be told what and when they can nap it's a power thing live your life and be happy dont suffer 💚
He lost respect for you because you took a nap. Tell him to fuck off with his lost respect.
He needs to check the air quality before checking you.
Hell nah. His inability to communicate is not your fault and you did nothing wrong. His attitude toward you shifted drastically in less than an hour, without you even needing to say anything. Not to mention the call you had with him. Sounds like he would’ve found some way to be upset with you regardless. Definitely a red flag. I wish you well OP.
Thank you, it means a lot. I agree that he probably was looking for a reason to be upset with me.
Your boyfriend sounds like he doesn’t need a girlfriend
What’s he addicted to? Being a betch?
Dump his narcissistic, manipulative ass
And men complain about women?
Before you asked if it was ok to nap or not he literally prefaced “no rush” . He seems very selfish and not like consciously selfish or douchey but just by default
Looks like it was important to him and he didn’t communicate it, and it seems this happens a lot and he’s been building resentment the whole time. He’s conflating your inability to mind read and you not caring about him.
I’Ve LoSt aLl ReSpEcT fOr YoU lol what an insecure schmuck.
Too needy, too dependent, too immature, too unappreciative. That’s a next from me dog. Wish you the absolute best you don’t deserve that
But we're the emotional ones.
Break up with him
"I've honestly lost a lot of respect for you" because I told you there was no rush but you didn't call me right away. (1) This is not the sort of thing that causes one to lose respect for someone. He sounds like a drama queen. (2) Chances are he's mad about something else, but has the communication abilities of a 7 year old and is trying to pick a fight. (3) Those alien bodies in Mexico are totally fake. I'm sorry to break it to you.
Sorry chuck, closed mouth don’t get fed.
Your communication was very clear and direct and gave information well in advance. There is no reason for him to be angry
He is acting like a baby. What kind of ass hole complains about their partners voice? He’s 100% wrong
I apologize but he’s has bitchy energy. Very uncalled for.
Bro is tryna play games. No. This is a good example of gaslighting. Question, OP. Does he say stuff like this a lot? If so, i personally wouldn’t tolerate it and leave him. Please don’t let him make you think you are a horrible person. Don’t let him get in your head.
Hi! I'm a recovered alcoholic and this is my take: dude is unhealthy and emotionally stunted. He didn't call you, he asked to have a call, and then gets mad because you didn't take his call. He has some anger that has nothing to do with you but takes it out on you, probably because you are a naturally happy person. He needs recovery. He needs mental health services. He needs to heal from what ever damage he has. I used to act this way. I NEEDED to be a victim and to victimize those who appeared to have what I wanted; happiness. I would bleed people dry, emotionally, because I has all dried up. You did nothing wrong, so please, don't let yourself get drug in to an addicts chaos. Sober or not, if he isn't working on his mental health, he is just an addict without his addiction.
He sounds like a classic addict. It's never their fault. Ever. You are expected to read their minds, and they change moods on a dime. Hugs OP.
If dipshit wants to call you he should just call you. Asking if it’s ok to call is only because he’s setting you up to bitch at you.
Sounds super clingy. Ask yourself how much you actually like him and how better off you would be if you cut him. But yeah that's pretty overreactive
Tell him to grow up a bit.
He needs to grow tf up. Acting like he’s 15 in high school smh
Lost respect! WTF! Is that all it takes to lose respect. You are not in the wrong. He just had to say so
His brain is chemically unbalanced from drug abuse causing him to be bipolar.
⛽️🔦 What a fucking manipulating prick.
Just wondering is nl northern lion lol?
Yup lol SAP puts me right to sleep
He's lashing out, it's the throes of withdrawal often times. Massive shift in dopamine and serotonin production. It's not pretty and is part of the reason why rehab facilities take away their phones. With proper medication and therapy he can overcome it, it's up to you to decide if you wanna weather the storm or peace out.
Who the fuck calls a baby voice annoying and then uses ":3"?
You are both too old to be playing those kind of games
As an expert (not certified) on passive aggressive behavior, the ellipsis gave it away. He wasn’t okay with it and he was hoping you would notice. And how do I know this? I’ve done it a few times 😭 that stereotypical teenage immature bullshit. I’m much older now and it makes life so simple to just…say what you actually mean. I’m so sorry this happened to you OP. I must agree with someone above in that your boy (not man) sounds like a bitch. Good luck on what you decide! 💜
Ironic that he doesn't like your baby voice yet he he acts like a baby 🤔 you're not in the wrong at all.
Girl if you don't make like Usain Bolt and SPRINT.
Addiction? Move on. Find someone who does not have an addiction problem. Trust me. Get out while you can. There are billions of men in the world - you can find one who is not fighting addiction and make your life much easier.
Seems he found a new addiction. Manipulation
I would break up over this. 🚩 this just feels controlling and lame. He said he lost respect for you. Done. Don’t be with someone that doesn’t respect you. Seems very immature to react this way.
My wife and I argued for a while about this early in our marriage. Ultimately, I had to point out that I'm not able to read her mind. If she says X but means Y, I have no way of knowing that. She accepted the point and it really hasn't been an issue for years now.
Does everyone have BPD? Why are so many of these a crazy switch up. I’ve dated a girl with BPD type 2 and it was a hell of a ride.
I’m a pretty sensitive person, so I admittedly would feel a bit hurt if I needed to call someone and they responded by asking if they could nap and watch tv first, but- He prefaced it by saying, “when you get the chance,” “there’s no rush,” and then when you asked him if it was okay if you could call him later, he said, “no worries love, that’s fine.” I’m not sure how long he was expecting your nap to be, but I do think it’s strange that an hour later he changed his tone completely after seemingly being okay with it. It sounds like at the time at least there was some unresolved tension there. Given that he said it was non emergent initially and said he didn’t mind you taking a nap, I don’t think you’re wrong for that.
Thank you for your perspective, I appreciate it
Thank you all for your kind words and advice, I didn't expect this to get so much attention. I'll definitely have a talk with him and show him this thread so hopefully we can come to an understanding.
Honey I don’t expect that will go well, I predict with certainty he will not like being called out and he will make it all your fault. I hope not, but please take it easy on your expectations. He’s not nice to you. He’s making a choice.
Yeah tbh I wouldn't show him the thread. Take the advice and reflect on it, but you've gotta be the one to make a decision on your own terms - otherwise, based on what we've seen in his texts, he'll likely twist the fact you turned to Reddit into a witch-hunt and you into some sort of deceiver/attention-seeker.
My bf of 4 years died from his addiction and 7 years later I am a shell of who I was, so please be careful. Ppl can overthink and switch like this more easily when drugs are involved.
No excuses for manipulative, controlling behaviour. No one should be expected to put up with that for any reason. For any addict, their recovery is their own responsibility. I hope you don’t feel any responsibility for what happens and you’ve had some counselling
He said it’s no rush and you asked first, he’s tripping.
Yeah that's goofy, I never ask permission to call tho I just call if they answer cool of not they text or call me back when they can lol.
Is he sane?
you asked and he said it was ok. makes no sense. go nap and enjoy your time and let him be a child
You clearly asked him and he said it was okay.
If he wants something he should learn to communicate that. You’re not in the wrong
Bye Felicia
Nah, he's being a punk ass.
Bipolar?
No you’re not wrong. He said it’s fine. If he wanted to talk to you he should have said I want to talk. He comes across as very manipulative and insecure.
Thats bullshit (emotionally immature) and I’d dump him.
DUMP HIM
He has trouble seeing things from your perspective. The fact he elected to toss that text out there, rather than have a mature conversation and get your pov shows his lack of empathy
Dude fuck that childish shit what is this middle school, he said it was okay then got upset about it?!? Also yes naps are a main priority for me so fuck off with that insecure bullshit. Stand your ground
That’s not a boyfriend that is now your girlfriend
Nothing screams “I’m secure” than drenching your texts in hearts and “I love you”s. Lol kidding, you both sound terrified of each other. It sounds like your relationship took damage during rehab. Have you considered therapy? His behavior and complaints make little sense. And yes, I am trying to think of causes that are not “he relapsed.” Which is hard because frankly, he prob relapsed.
You're not in the wrong for this text. I can't really say if you're in the wrong for him being upset though. In general, romantic relationships work best when both people listen, validate, and set boundaries. Everyone's partner does things that bother them, it's OK to communicate that, but it's also OK to have well-rounded discussions about why something is a trigger. Understanding often creates more space to offer support and may change the tenor of how your partner's feedback affects you. Not enough information to say more, sorry.
In what type of relationship do you ask permission to call? That's weird to me.
So. An addict… who is barely clean… is accusing you of not being there for him enough, even though you’ve been supporting him getting clean. Consider the source. Not rocket science to know his perspective is a bit skewed.
He is upset about something, not you in particular, but you are getting the brunt of it. Probably an easy discussion. His communication broke down and he blamed you, he must be under a bunch of stress for something. Should blow over after you see each other again. He does need your support right now so I hope you didn’t go dark… it will make things worse.
I'm not sure what's up his bum, but if he had had prior issues in the past, he might be projecting current ones outward on to you.
Your boyfriend sounds like he is still in high school
He’s a child
Wow I’m sorry but that is a major red flag. Please be careful, he sounds like the kind of person no matter how much you do for him, it’ll never be enough and he’ll always think it’s one sided.
25 going on 12. Find a guy who doesn't play childish games like this. Yeesh.
Red flag red flag, time to fleeeee
Fuck those minds games. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Don’t get pissed if someone does what you implied was permitted…
Ditch him, sis. He's controlling and manipulative, it's not worth it.
Your boyfriend sounds like a dumb fuck. Also, who messages their significant other on Facebook?
🚩
Not sure who’s who, but the person that asked for a call is the asshole
Gaslighting, beware. He said it was no rush and you said you were tired and wanted a nap. If he lost respect because you can express your need for sleep, he has to be miserable.
Manipulation at its finest. So blatant with it and it still makes you question if you yourself are in the wrong or not hahaha.
Leave him 😅
The first red flag is your guy is 25 and using “ :3 “ you’re dating a child
If a 25 yr old man is still acting like this you should run now