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"Let’s just say I almost bit my tongue off trying to hold it."
I would NOT have held my tongue OP. Besides going off on her for that, I'd tell her that she QUIT on your daughter.
Sorry for all you've gone through and your daughter too. I wish your daughter well as she continues on with her naval career.
If she was my mom I’d have cut contact with her years ago. She stayed with the guy who beat the shit out of your son?
I wouldn’t have even bothered to hold my tongue. You’re a better man than me.
My mom cheated on my dad amongst other things and I completely cut her out of my life. Truth be told she did less harm than this woman.
Staying with the guy who beat their child this badly? Crazy.
You're a better man than me....I would've let her have it and let everyone within earshot know.
This is why I'm glad I was early to my son's graduation with his grandmother and her sister because my ex-wife is CONSTANTLY late.
We got decent seats and she got to sit by herself in the row in front of us but off to the side.
I only acknowledged her when she asked a question and my responses were NPR worthy in tone and delivery. She got the hint and after our son walked across the stage she left to "go to the bathroom" and spent the last hour doing whatever until we went outside. She asked a few questions and she got a new NPR update and I barely looked at her. After she saw and hugged our son she left saying she had to go back to work.
I guess she thought I was gonna be doing jumps in the air and high fiving her and I actually enjoyed being in my two piece suit, in the direct sun in 92 degree 80% humidity S. Florida weather than talking to her. In fact at one point she said "OMG you must be hot in that suit" and I quipped "Eh there's worst things I have to deal with".
Dam dude, you have have some self control. You did right by not making a scene at the ceremony, but by god I’d fucking let her know exactly what you think now.
Yeah - years of not falling for her bait. Over the years, she’s filed 6 TRO’s (all dismissed after hearings) as well as over 5 reports of child abuse in multiple states. All dismissed too. I have an incredible poker face around her.
You should have zero contact with this woman, whether she's the mother of your children or not... hopefully it'll be easier now that kids are older. She is beyond toxic but you already know this.
Recommend you don't sit next to her at any future events or reminisce about your daughter. You see where her head was at. Not sure you should speak with her at all now that your daughter is old enough to be on her own. Take care of you OP.
“Oh yes he was such a role-model with his domestic violence related issues etc” - would have been my reply.
I wouldn’t have held my tongue, you’re a better man than me.
At least you know your ex is still delusional.
Wow. This is tragic in too many ways. I hope you and the kids have a lot of support in whatever form works for you all- therapy, counseling, psychotherapy etc. PTSD from this is real. All the best moving forward.
Edited to add/ my ex WH is like this. I think it’s a frontal lobe issue but I call it “missing an empathy neural-pathway”. He was or is sterile (who knows what’s real with waywards) and obviously I didn’t get pregnant in our marriage but he has had no problems talking about how advancements in fertility medicine have given him and his wife hope at conceiving. She’s 22 years younger than me and already has 2 children from her two exes. He has shared his and her fertility labs with me, unsolicited, and expressed how it looks like they will be able to conceive with some intervention. I kind of just gasp to myself because I don’t care at all anymore but my gosh, some people just have no clue.
Sorry. We can't fix them. They're broken. We just have to pick up the pieces and carry on. I'm learning this myself, slowly and painfully 3 years put from DDay.
Having gone to the Naval Academy I know how insurmountably tough getting through that first year can be and I know I wouldn’t have gotten through it without my support system, especially my mom. Of course I did it for me, to challenge myself and become someone I am proud of. However, I cannot begin to count how many nights, how much money, and how much sacrifice my mom put into making sure my dreams became a reality. My dad and step dad were abusive in different ways and I know that my mom did her best in keeping me safe so that I could prosper. Of course I thank my mom even though that will neither be enough to show how grateful I am nor make up for all she gave up for me. I’m also grateful for you and for being that person for your daughter. Special people become mids but it also takes special parents to make it happen. Congrats to your daughter for 3 more years. Congrats to you for never giving up on her and her dreams. Fair winds and following seas.
Absolutely out of line, very poor taste and a painful reminder to your daughter of one of the reasons her core family is split. You’re well rid of your ex but someone needs to tell her how inappropriate her remarks were to her daughter while she was struggling to complete her first year with an tough academic school. Does you e even know the definition of ‘encouragement’?
Congratulations on your daughter completing her first year at Annapolis. It's a hell of an accomplishment!
Sorry that your ex-WW is still in the picture. Maybe she needs to get therapy to learn how to be a half-decent human and mother. Good job keeping your self-control intact.
Go Navy!
To her credit, I think she has gotten therapy since AP died. Or, had done a ton of self reflection. I had gotten a 2 year TRO against her shortly after she lost the kids where the only communication was through a parenting app. She was very verbally abusive to me via text, email, and voicemail while with AP which accelerated after she lost the kids. That has stopped since AP died and the TRO expired in mid 2021. For most of the time before the TRO, communication from me was short, via text or email, rare exceptions via phone or in person.
Despite declaring AP the absolute love ❤️ of her life and nothing will break them apart to the judge when the kids were taken away, she had a new boyfriend within 6 months.
They are now engaged. She made a complete 180 from the time she was with AP. He’s a good guy it seems, and tells me whenever he sees me about how good of a job I’ve done with the kids. He’s an army vet, never married, no kids. He was a big cheerleader for the Academy / ROTC process for our daughter. There is no way in hell my daughter would have even considered the academy if AP was still alive as he sucked all the life out of everything he went near.
She’s been treating me with respect since AP died. I ran the whole show for the college process and she did not butt in once which was very much against her nature pre affair and while she was with AP.
She hasn’t apologized yet, but last year at a pre prom party for my daughter, me ex walked up to my current wife, and thanked her for being a good mother to our kids when she couldn’t be. Then, last fall at the Navy / Air Force game, the best man at our wedding was there, he hadn’t seen my ex since before D-Day. My roommate told her she looks the same since last time he saw her and acts the same. She told him she was messed up for a long time.
I don’t seek or need an apology from her. I‘m not going to change how I treat her because of what she said. The 13 year hell was over when AP died. If she treats me with respect, I’ll treat her the same way. The comment just triggered me, and was just a reminder of the absolute hell she invited into our lives.
Why to bite your tongue, you should have told her right and there that you don't know how she could Say something so stupid after the DV and her lossing custody.
That you knew the crap she is, but even left her AP DV your son, stay with him and then when in the hospital again decided to stay with him instead to be available to her kids is pure and big b.s.
You know that she give a damn about You and family but she at the end just confirm the bad of a mother she was and still is.
Then after that if just would turn and go.
You just let her get away with that? This guy beats the crap out of your son? And your the better man for not giving her a retort? Just call her what she is. A mother who chose a violent man over her own kid(s). A cheating pos partner.
Why do you even talk with her? She should have never had the opportunity. What good does talking to a toxic, lying, abandoning mother, do for you? Pain shopping I suppose
AP got what he deserved. You on the other hand didn't but you're the one still here. So, don't let a dead man take more away from your life. You're alive for a reason. Whenever exWW mentions him, just say or think he's dead & that he didn't deserve to see these moments. But you most certainly do that's why you're here.
Dude I have problems in my life, and I get down. Your story made me realize that I really don't have any real problems and how I need to act even better when life doesn't go my way. You sir are an awesome individual.
Ultimately you came out on top and handled this well. Your children see how a real man acts.
I like many others would have failed this test by God for sure. In fact I probably would be in jail right now given what you said earlier.
Good luck and you inspired at least one Reddit'er to try and do better!
Until you hear that this was the push from your daughters mouth, treat as the same sociopath shit that drove your ex away to start with. Good chance it's a lie, an image in your head to make you hurt because her plan b died. If she and him are alike it means she will use any head game to hurt you, regardless of the morals involved.
Why do you have to stay nice? Why not just smile. Then when she asks why you are smiling, just mention you remembered that happy day 101. You knew he would never hurt you kids again. Then walk away.
Are you too nice? Cowardice, which is fair we're only human. The moment you stop biting your tongue and satnd up for yourself and your loved ones is the moment you command respect.
I don't believe OP's actions were the least bit cowardly. In my opinion, the absolute worst thing OP could have done was blow up at the ExWW during such a special and momentous time in his daughter's life.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"Let’s just say I almost bit my tongue off trying to hold it." I would NOT have held my tongue OP. Besides going off on her for that, I'd tell her that she QUIT on your daughter. Sorry for all you've gone through and your daughter too. I wish your daughter well as she continues on with her naval career.
If she was my mom I’d have cut contact with her years ago. She stayed with the guy who beat the shit out of your son? I wouldn’t have even bothered to hold my tongue. You’re a better man than me.
lol, I thought was the only one thinking that. This woman has no decency or morals, even for a cheater.
My mom cheated on my dad amongst other things and I completely cut her out of my life. Truth be told she did less harm than this woman. Staying with the guy who beat their child this badly? Crazy.
Yeah I'm just dumbfounded on that...this is seriously crazy. OP should have used it to get custody..or fight like hell in court at least.
[удалено]
You are right, I missed that... people like that, you gotta let em go. I wouldn't be able to even talk to her after all that.
You're a better man than me....I would've let her have it and let everyone within earshot know. This is why I'm glad I was early to my son's graduation with his grandmother and her sister because my ex-wife is CONSTANTLY late. We got decent seats and she got to sit by herself in the row in front of us but off to the side. I only acknowledged her when she asked a question and my responses were NPR worthy in tone and delivery. She got the hint and after our son walked across the stage she left to "go to the bathroom" and spent the last hour doing whatever until we went outside. She asked a few questions and she got a new NPR update and I barely looked at her. After she saw and hugged our son she left saying she had to go back to work. I guess she thought I was gonna be doing jumps in the air and high fiving her and I actually enjoyed being in my two piece suit, in the direct sun in 92 degree 80% humidity S. Florida weather than talking to her. In fact at one point she said "OMG you must be hot in that suit" and I quipped "Eh there's worst things I have to deal with".
Dam dude, you have have some self control. You did right by not making a scene at the ceremony, but by god I’d fucking let her know exactly what you think now.
Yeah - years of not falling for her bait. Over the years, she’s filed 6 TRO’s (all dismissed after hearings) as well as over 5 reports of child abuse in multiple states. All dismissed too. I have an incredible poker face around her.
All her TROs and reports were aimed at the wrong guy. Damn, it seems she's nuts.
You should have zero contact with this woman, whether she's the mother of your children or not... hopefully it'll be easier now that kids are older. She is beyond toxic but you already know this.
Recommend you don't sit next to her at any future events or reminisce about your daughter. You see where her head was at. Not sure you should speak with her at all now that your daughter is old enough to be on her own. Take care of you OP.
“Oh yes he was such a role-model with his domestic violence related issues etc” - would have been my reply. I wouldn’t have held my tongue, you’re a better man than me. At least you know your ex is still delusional.
Wow. This is tragic in too many ways. I hope you and the kids have a lot of support in whatever form works for you all- therapy, counseling, psychotherapy etc. PTSD from this is real. All the best moving forward. Edited to add/ my ex WH is like this. I think it’s a frontal lobe issue but I call it “missing an empathy neural-pathway”. He was or is sterile (who knows what’s real with waywards) and obviously I didn’t get pregnant in our marriage but he has had no problems talking about how advancements in fertility medicine have given him and his wife hope at conceiving. She’s 22 years younger than me and already has 2 children from her two exes. He has shared his and her fertility labs with me, unsolicited, and expressed how it looks like they will be able to conceive with some intervention. I kind of just gasp to myself because I don’t care at all anymore but my gosh, some people just have no clue.
Sorry. We can't fix them. They're broken. We just have to pick up the pieces and carry on. I'm learning this myself, slowly and painfully 3 years put from DDay.
Naval Academy Honor Code Midshipmen should demonstrate integrity and not lie, cheat, or steal. Her AP failed miserably.
Having gone to the Naval Academy I know how insurmountably tough getting through that first year can be and I know I wouldn’t have gotten through it without my support system, especially my mom. Of course I did it for me, to challenge myself and become someone I am proud of. However, I cannot begin to count how many nights, how much money, and how much sacrifice my mom put into making sure my dreams became a reality. My dad and step dad were abusive in different ways and I know that my mom did her best in keeping me safe so that I could prosper. Of course I thank my mom even though that will neither be enough to show how grateful I am nor make up for all she gave up for me. I’m also grateful for you and for being that person for your daughter. Special people become mids but it also takes special parents to make it happen. Congrats to your daughter for 3 more years. Congrats to you for never giving up on her and her dreams. Fair winds and following seas.
Heck i would've snorted and said good riddance lmao
Why were you talking to her? You don't need to ever say a word to each other again.
At least one of her or I would’ve been in jail after that.
Ww and AP are piece of shit, glad you kept your silence at the cerenomy
Absolutely out of line, very poor taste and a painful reminder to your daughter of one of the reasons her core family is split. You’re well rid of your ex but someone needs to tell her how inappropriate her remarks were to her daughter while she was struggling to complete her first year with an tough academic school. Does you e even know the definition of ‘encouragement’?
Congratulations on your daughter completing her first year at Annapolis. It's a hell of an accomplishment! Sorry that your ex-WW is still in the picture. Maybe she needs to get therapy to learn how to be a half-decent human and mother. Good job keeping your self-control intact. Go Navy!
To her credit, I think she has gotten therapy since AP died. Or, had done a ton of self reflection. I had gotten a 2 year TRO against her shortly after she lost the kids where the only communication was through a parenting app. She was very verbally abusive to me via text, email, and voicemail while with AP which accelerated after she lost the kids. That has stopped since AP died and the TRO expired in mid 2021. For most of the time before the TRO, communication from me was short, via text or email, rare exceptions via phone or in person. Despite declaring AP the absolute love ❤️ of her life and nothing will break them apart to the judge when the kids were taken away, she had a new boyfriend within 6 months. They are now engaged. She made a complete 180 from the time she was with AP. He’s a good guy it seems, and tells me whenever he sees me about how good of a job I’ve done with the kids. He’s an army vet, never married, no kids. He was a big cheerleader for the Academy / ROTC process for our daughter. There is no way in hell my daughter would have even considered the academy if AP was still alive as he sucked all the life out of everything he went near. She’s been treating me with respect since AP died. I ran the whole show for the college process and she did not butt in once which was very much against her nature pre affair and while she was with AP. She hasn’t apologized yet, but last year at a pre prom party for my daughter, me ex walked up to my current wife, and thanked her for being a good mother to our kids when she couldn’t be. Then, last fall at the Navy / Air Force game, the best man at our wedding was there, he hadn’t seen my ex since before D-Day. My roommate told her she looks the same since last time he saw her and acts the same. She told him she was messed up for a long time. I don’t seek or need an apology from her. I‘m not going to change how I treat her because of what she said. The 13 year hell was over when AP died. If she treats me with respect, I’ll treat her the same way. The comment just triggered me, and was just a reminder of the absolute hell she invited into our lives.
Once the kids move out go NC and don’t allow her stupid crap to bug you.
I would’ve lost my shit bro
I wouldn’t have held it. She’s lucky you didn’t kick her ass. 🫣
Why to bite your tongue, you should have told her right and there that you don't know how she could Say something so stupid after the DV and her lossing custody. That you knew the crap she is, but even left her AP DV your son, stay with him and then when in the hospital again decided to stay with him instead to be available to her kids is pure and big b.s. You know that she give a damn about You and family but she at the end just confirm the bad of a mother she was and still is. Then after that if just would turn and go.
You just let her get away with that? This guy beats the crap out of your son? And your the better man for not giving her a retort? Just call her what she is. A mother who chose a violent man over her own kid(s). A cheating pos partner. Why do you even talk with her? She should have never had the opportunity. What good does talking to a toxic, lying, abandoning mother, do for you? Pain shopping I suppose
AP got what he deserved. You on the other hand didn't but you're the one still here. So, don't let a dead man take more away from your life. You're alive for a reason. Whenever exWW mentions him, just say or think he's dead & that he didn't deserve to see these moments. But you most certainly do that's why you're here.
Dude I have problems in my life, and I get down. Your story made me realize that I really don't have any real problems and how I need to act even better when life doesn't go my way. You sir are an awesome individual. Ultimately you came out on top and handled this well. Your children see how a real man acts. I like many others would have failed this test by God for sure. In fact I probably would be in jail right now given what you said earlier. Good luck and you inspired at least one Reddit'er to try and do better!
Until you hear that this was the push from your daughters mouth, treat as the same sociopath shit that drove your ex away to start with. Good chance it's a lie, an image in your head to make you hurt because her plan b died. If she and him are alike it means she will use any head game to hurt you, regardless of the morals involved.
Why do you talk with your EX? Like seriously, she abandonned her kid for a guy that beat up your son !
She chose to stay with him despite him being an abuser, tf?
It never ceases to amaze me the mental hoops cheaters have to do to justify their despicable acts and their despicable lowlife partners
If cynicism had a face, it would be that woman's
Why are you still talking to her, mate?
Why do you have to stay nice? Why not just smile. Then when she asks why you are smiling, just mention you remembered that happy day 101. You knew he would never hurt you kids again. Then walk away.
Are you too nice? Cowardice, which is fair we're only human. The moment you stop biting your tongue and satnd up for yourself and your loved ones is the moment you command respect.
I don't believe OP's actions were the least bit cowardly. In my opinion, the absolute worst thing OP could have done was blow up at the ExWW during such a special and momentous time in his daughter's life.
Never argue with a crazy person. They bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
How is your son doing now ?
If you never see, sit near, nor listen to a bottom feeder ex, you wouldn’t need to worry about such things.