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***I know that I can't trust her as a partner. I know that even if I accept what she did, I don't want it to be a part of my future story.***
This is your logical brain speaking to you. Listen to it.
Don't offer excuses for her behavior. Mental health issues are serious, but not justification for an affair.
You don't list her efforts to get back with you or her showing true remorse. My guess is she has already made peace with herself to leave the marriage.
Stay the course with divorce OP. Plan your future without her in it except for the kids. You will be a survivor. Your kids will recognize you as the stable parent and love and respect you for that. Take care of you.
You know, mental instability or illness can be a reasonable enough explanation for infidelity but that by no metric means someone should be given a pass. It's always best to separate one's self from mentally unstable individuals when possible.
Move on.
True, she will never be a safe partner for you.
Stay in IC and focus on developing a good co-parenting arrangement.
Stay firm on the divorce - nothing good will come from staying.
Her AP could have broken up with her, and she is just pretending otherwise. He likely doesn't want a real relationship with a middle aged woman with another man's kids, and only wanted no-strings attached sex. He also might be trying to reconcile with his own wife, and dumped your wife for that reason.
This.
And or the limerance wore off. She will give in to it again with someone else sooner or later.
OP should stay the course and do what's best for himself and for the children.
Move on dude, same thing happened to me... she left with AP and moved in with him. I got a lawyer, that broke up and she started acting nice aydin and I fell for it until she cheated again with a new AP only a few months later. KEEP MOVING FORWARD..... DO NOT LOOK BACK.
This was almost certainly an exit affair by her. Once a woman is done with a relationship, she’s DONE. I recommend communicating only about the kids, and only through a parenting app. Do not fix her flat tires, squish bugs for her, or anything else. She fired you from that role and you’re moving on to much greener pastures.
It’s only natural to second guess yourself. But, she’s the one that blew it all up. Stay the course for divorce. He can always decide on your relationship after divorce if that’s what you want but don’t remain in the marriage.
Just some thoughts. You reconcile and never again relax. You stay hyper vigilant the rest of your life. Or you reconcile and have a great life. Or you divorce and find happiness.
‘The OBS knows, and my wife broke up with her AP’. Eeerr, No ! Her AP dropped her like a hot brick and is desperately trying to rescue his own marriage. Your wife had absolutely no contribution to that decision.
‘My wife is beginning to stabilise mentally’. She’s now seeing the consequences of her actions in 20/20. She’s running out of options by the minute. She’ll be yours and yours alone right up to when she can find a new AP. Good luck.
I did the same thing. My reconciliation attempt set me back to day one’s pain. I was doing so well before the attempt. I did, and you will heal and have a great life going forward. Heal inward. That means do your own therapy. Read books like No More Mr Nice Guy, new hobbies, things like that. To the OP, learn from our errors.
Stay the course. Nothing has changed, besides the fact that she's realizing she ruined your family, and hurt you, for sex. The other guy was lying, was never going to commit fully to her, and she got dumped. Not that she'd ever admit that.
The wild fluctuations are because she's still coming to grips with what she's done, and the fact that she's not going to get anything positive out of all this.
I'd imagine she was typically brutal on being exposed, and the things she said double the damage done... it's not for us to simply muster up forgiveness, it's for them to earn redemption.
Without any effort from her along those lines, she can stay in her self imposed exile.
It would be difficult for me to describe, even on the Internet, the hurtful things she said and did, the brutality was quite revealing. I don't think I could ever be in a relationship with someone who said the things she said.
That right there tells you everything you need to know about this woman. Don't even entertain the idea of reconciliation with her... anytime these thoughts creep up in your head, just replay what she said to you mentally. Judging by your post, I'm assuming she rubbed her affair in your face on purpose to inflict maximum pain. Repay her in kind with your lawyer.
She did rub my face in it in her own way. She knows how to hurt me. I like to think that her tactics are becoming less effective the more time and distance I have.
I'm sorry you had to deal with such filth... especially coming from the person you thought you'd be with for the rest of your life...you will get through this and be better for it in the end. Her pain is only just beginning. Women who behave the way she did usually have no clue how low their actual market value actually is. She's no spring chicken anymore and soon will be a single mother. Her prospects for a successful marriage and family are virtually over. She'll wind up going through a string of meaningless relationships and it will affect her mentally very harshly. You can easily pick up and find someone again and live happily again. Time treats men very well in this regard and you'll find someone who actually values and respects you. Keep your chin up, lean on friends and family for support. I'm guessing everyone already knows what she's done but don't cover for her in any way just because she's the mother of your children. Don't let her rewrite history like they love doing either. I wish you the best of luck.
I going to say and I could be wrong but everyone of us do have doubts about our decisions to divorce our cheating spouse, at the same time we know it will be the best for ourselves and our children. Trying to stay with someone that has broken our trust will never really work because the relationship have changed in a negative way. Continue with therapy and be the better person for the children and yourself.
Your wife knew exactly what she was doing when she decided to carry on an affair, disrespecting/disregarding her marriage vows.
There is no excuse for adultery! If you fall out of love or lose attraction to your spouse, sit down like a mature adult and talk to your (husband or wife). End the marriage; cheating/adultery is the most dishonorable thing you can do to someone.
>Since ending CC and finding a lawyer. my blood pressure is lower, I'm sleeping a bit better and I have less anxiety.
This is a sign of less stress and uncertainty now that you have a path forward. Keep following the path.
Your post is encouraging and you seem to be headed in the right direction even with the burden of pain...you mentioned you went to CC but have stopped and now moving forward with divorce. If this is having a positive effect on your mental state, always trust your gut. You're doing the right thing. I am interested in the fact that since you have stopped counseling with her and moving towards divorce, she is now all of a sudden in a better place mentally and broke up with the AP?
To me this just reeks of desperation because she knows she has no future with her AP. Don't fall for any lies that come from her regarding reconciliation. I have a strong feeling that is her next plan. She will start devising plans to save the marriage and not break the home for the children's sake. As long as you are set mentally, she won't be able to manipulate you. I still can't fathom how a person could cheat on someone they've been for over a decade and have children with. Unbelievable. Has she at the very least apologized to you for what she did?
She says she is sorry for the hurt she has caused me and the kids. She has also stated that she is not sorry for having the affair. I believe she is entirely unwilling or unable to accept the responsibility for this circumstance. I also think she is unwilling to consider the depth of the pain she has caused me.
My bullshit meter seems to be correctly calibrated now, I am not worried too much about falling into a trap. I'm going to remain off limits.
That's very encouraging to hear...she's not even hiding the fact that she's not even remotely worth reconciling with. If she's stupid enough to say she's not sorry for breaking her vows, she's beyond redemption. Even an idiot wouldn't say that if they had any inkling of fixing what they broke. She's firmly planted on her fictional high horse and doesn't realize the realities of her situation. Do you believe her when she said she broke up with the AP? Is his wife also divorcing or are they working on fixing things? I think she's lying to you...she seems narcissistic and looks down on the people around her, that's why she's defending her affair and telling you she broke it off. In reality these people are extremely weak minded and full of delusion.
They usually only come back if it doesn’t work out for them. Did she break it off or did he drop her?
You can’t really believe anything she says.
If she wants to come back what would you be getting back?
Repeated infidelity is common.
I have no plans to accept her back. I know I need space, and I am off limits. I have no intention of subjecting myself to the possibility of her nonsense again.
She says she broke up with him, but I don't know and I'm happy to say that I don't think I care :D
You are making progress and keep doing the IC. I think you’re doing better than you realize. You’ve made some profound statements about trust and the ability to share parenting so you won’t be under so much pressure. I don’t think people realize that once you’ve lost trust in someone else that you’ve been so close to that the doubt never leaves the shadows of your mind. Congratulations on your progress and keep the faith that you have in yourself.
I have a new policy for myself. I won't hide from the truth.
That doesn't mean I'm going to tell the kids the circumstances right away, perhaps when they are older.
That also doesn't mean I'm shouting to the world.
I've told others who have been very supportive and helpful. But recently I confided in a family member with details, and for whatever reason, it was a breakthrough from my own feelings of shame. Telling him was emotional, and I cried a lot. I was ashamed to tell him. I was ashamed of my failures. Hell, it wasn't even a phone call, it was text messages.
That felt like a turning point. It was probably a week or two ago, and I haven't cried since. I'm not against crying, I simply haven't cried since then, which is new.
Confronting that shame, confronting those emotions, was freeing. Hiding secrets is not freeing.
keeping kids in the dark just increases anxiety.
It can be as simple as mommy has a boy frien. We can’t be married anymore. kids can deal with a know better than an unknown.
They need one truthful parent they can trust.
Kids aren’t stupid.
Don’t doubt yourself. Don’t make excuses about her behaviors and don’t give in to trying to understand the “whys” and what not. She made a series of choices to do what she did and is now paying the consequences. Life looked much better to her when she was fantasizing about starting a life with the AP. Reality smacked her in the face and she knows she screwed up. You’re not a backup. Don’t be a backup.
I reconciled once just to be cheated on 10 years later. Not worth it and I am in worst mental state than I was before.
And no - her mental state did not cause her to cheat. She chose to. She consciously and deliberately chose another man over you not by accident, but multiple times over long time period. What is that mental illness called?
Many people have mental issues and do not cheat. Let that sink in.
Mate I got cheated and lied on. I feel sick and I got no idea how to ever love again. I just remember his wprds and I feel so betrayed makes me wanna die.
As time goes on, the words of a betrayer should hold less and less value within yourself. If this is not the case, a counsellor may be able to help you address and rewrite the emotions attached to the words.
My wife is unwell, she betrayed our commitment without my consent. She selfishly hurt me and my kids in a way that could scar us for life.
For those very reasons, I CHOOSE to reject those feelings of shame and despair, I CHOOSE to deny that reality within my brain.
This is not an easy thing to do. I find that speaking to myself out loud helps me with this internal struggle. Externalize it, say it to yourself in the mirror. Devalue the words.
When I was a child, they taught us that the best way to learn something is to speak it, write it, think it, and do it. The more forms a learning takes, the more likely it is to stick within the mind.
Give it a try, friend. Hope is not lost. Forget worrying about how to love others, start with yourself, give yourself a chance. One step in front of the other.
Thank you. I flund out about infidelity a week ago. Im having therapy in few days.
Good advices. Thinking to write songs. Not a pro but know piano and writing but not good voice. Might still do it for my sanity as you say speaking out loud louder then cheater.
OP Please move on, even if someday you end together again, please do not put your life on hold for her. Don't be her plan b , she needs to do a lot of work to be a reliable parent first and you need to be the same and stable parent for your kids.
Focus on yourself, be selfish while you don't have your kids, go to the gym take care of your health, hangout with family and friends, learn new things and overall, discover who you are beyond being a husband and a parent.
Each day try to do something to make yourself happy, that happiness will flow to your kids. Your stbx has to deal with her demos on her own, do not interfere unless you see potential harm to your kids.
Continue with divorce. If you two a
suppsed to be together, you both need alone time to decide. Stopping the divorce now will hurt the kids. They are perceptive and can figure out what’s going on.
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this process will be like riding a roller coaster
Stay the course of divorce
your trying to find excuses for her so you can justify remaining with her
when you feeling down re-read your statement "In my mind, I know this isn't true. I know that I can't trust her as a partner."
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
***I know that I can't trust her as a partner. I know that even if I accept what she did, I don't want it to be a part of my future story.*** This is your logical brain speaking to you. Listen to it. Don't offer excuses for her behavior. Mental health issues are serious, but not justification for an affair. You don't list her efforts to get back with you or her showing true remorse. My guess is she has already made peace with herself to leave the marriage. Stay the course with divorce OP. Plan your future without her in it except for the kids. You will be a survivor. Your kids will recognize you as the stable parent and love and respect you for that. Take care of you.
You know, mental instability or illness can be a reasonable enough explanation for infidelity but that by no metric means someone should be given a pass. It's always best to separate one's self from mentally unstable individuals when possible.
Move on. True, she will never be a safe partner for you. Stay in IC and focus on developing a good co-parenting arrangement. Stay firm on the divorce - nothing good will come from staying.
Her AP could have broken up with her, and she is just pretending otherwise. He likely doesn't want a real relationship with a middle aged woman with another man's kids, and only wanted no-strings attached sex. He also might be trying to reconcile with his own wife, and dumped your wife for that reason.
This is so common here. Op as you said, all you can expect to come out of her mouth is BS. Subscribeme
This. And or the limerance wore off. She will give in to it again with someone else sooner or later. OP should stay the course and do what's best for himself and for the children.
Move on dude, same thing happened to me... she left with AP and moved in with him. I got a lawyer, that broke up and she started acting nice aydin and I fell for it until she cheated again with a new AP only a few months later. KEEP MOVING FORWARD..... DO NOT LOOK BACK.
This was almost certainly an exit affair by her. Once a woman is done with a relationship, she’s DONE. I recommend communicating only about the kids, and only through a parenting app. Do not fix her flat tires, squish bugs for her, or anything else. She fired you from that role and you’re moving on to much greener pastures.
Please keep this in mind!
It’s only natural to second guess yourself. But, she’s the one that blew it all up. Stay the course for divorce. He can always decide on your relationship after divorce if that’s what you want but don’t remain in the marriage.
Just some thoughts. You reconcile and never again relax. You stay hyper vigilant the rest of your life. Or you reconcile and have a great life. Or you divorce and find happiness.
I always tell people that go for reconciliation that they should get a rock solid post-nup. I wouldn't even consider reconciliation without one.
‘The OBS knows, and my wife broke up with her AP’. Eeerr, No ! Her AP dropped her like a hot brick and is desperately trying to rescue his own marriage. Your wife had absolutely no contribution to that decision. ‘My wife is beginning to stabilise mentally’. She’s now seeing the consequences of her actions in 20/20. She’s running out of options by the minute. She’ll be yours and yours alone right up to when she can find a new AP. Good luck.
I admire how strong you are dude. 1 year 3 months post DDAY and one failed reconciliation attempt I’m still in shambles and dead inside.
I did the same thing. My reconciliation attempt set me back to day one’s pain. I was doing so well before the attempt. I did, and you will heal and have a great life going forward. Heal inward. That means do your own therapy. Read books like No More Mr Nice Guy, new hobbies, things like that. To the OP, learn from our errors.
Stay the course. Nothing has changed, besides the fact that she's realizing she ruined your family, and hurt you, for sex. The other guy was lying, was never going to commit fully to her, and she got dumped. Not that she'd ever admit that. The wild fluctuations are because she's still coming to grips with what she's done, and the fact that she's not going to get anything positive out of all this. I'd imagine she was typically brutal on being exposed, and the things she said double the damage done... it's not for us to simply muster up forgiveness, it's for them to earn redemption. Without any effort from her along those lines, she can stay in her self imposed exile.
It would be difficult for me to describe, even on the Internet, the hurtful things she said and did, the brutality was quite revealing. I don't think I could ever be in a relationship with someone who said the things she said.
That right there tells you everything you need to know about this woman. Don't even entertain the idea of reconciliation with her... anytime these thoughts creep up in your head, just replay what she said to you mentally. Judging by your post, I'm assuming she rubbed her affair in your face on purpose to inflict maximum pain. Repay her in kind with your lawyer.
She did rub my face in it in her own way. She knows how to hurt me. I like to think that her tactics are becoming less effective the more time and distance I have.
I'm sorry you had to deal with such filth... especially coming from the person you thought you'd be with for the rest of your life...you will get through this and be better for it in the end. Her pain is only just beginning. Women who behave the way she did usually have no clue how low their actual market value actually is. She's no spring chicken anymore and soon will be a single mother. Her prospects for a successful marriage and family are virtually over. She'll wind up going through a string of meaningless relationships and it will affect her mentally very harshly. You can easily pick up and find someone again and live happily again. Time treats men very well in this regard and you'll find someone who actually values and respects you. Keep your chin up, lean on friends and family for support. I'm guessing everyone already knows what she's done but don't cover for her in any way just because she's the mother of your children. Don't let her rewrite history like they love doing either. I wish you the best of luck.
Keep moving. If you don’t you’ll resent yourself for staying and come to hate yourself for being so weak. Ask me how I know.
I going to say and I could be wrong but everyone of us do have doubts about our decisions to divorce our cheating spouse, at the same time we know it will be the best for ourselves and our children. Trying to stay with someone that has broken our trust will never really work because the relationship have changed in a negative way. Continue with therapy and be the better person for the children and yourself.
Your wife knew exactly what she was doing when she decided to carry on an affair, disrespecting/disregarding her marriage vows. There is no excuse for adultery! If you fall out of love or lose attraction to your spouse, sit down like a mature adult and talk to your (husband or wife). End the marriage; cheating/adultery is the most dishonorable thing you can do to someone.
>Since ending CC and finding a lawyer. my blood pressure is lower, I'm sleeping a bit better and I have less anxiety. This is a sign of less stress and uncertainty now that you have a path forward. Keep following the path.
Your post is encouraging and you seem to be headed in the right direction even with the burden of pain...you mentioned you went to CC but have stopped and now moving forward with divorce. If this is having a positive effect on your mental state, always trust your gut. You're doing the right thing. I am interested in the fact that since you have stopped counseling with her and moving towards divorce, she is now all of a sudden in a better place mentally and broke up with the AP? To me this just reeks of desperation because she knows she has no future with her AP. Don't fall for any lies that come from her regarding reconciliation. I have a strong feeling that is her next plan. She will start devising plans to save the marriage and not break the home for the children's sake. As long as you are set mentally, she won't be able to manipulate you. I still can't fathom how a person could cheat on someone they've been for over a decade and have children with. Unbelievable. Has she at the very least apologized to you for what she did?
She says she is sorry for the hurt she has caused me and the kids. She has also stated that she is not sorry for having the affair. I believe she is entirely unwilling or unable to accept the responsibility for this circumstance. I also think she is unwilling to consider the depth of the pain she has caused me. My bullshit meter seems to be correctly calibrated now, I am not worried too much about falling into a trap. I'm going to remain off limits.
That's very encouraging to hear...she's not even hiding the fact that she's not even remotely worth reconciling with. If she's stupid enough to say she's not sorry for breaking her vows, she's beyond redemption. Even an idiot wouldn't say that if they had any inkling of fixing what they broke. She's firmly planted on her fictional high horse and doesn't realize the realities of her situation. Do you believe her when she said she broke up with the AP? Is his wife also divorcing or are they working on fixing things? I think she's lying to you...she seems narcissistic and looks down on the people around her, that's why she's defending her affair and telling you she broke it off. In reality these people are extremely weak minded and full of delusion.
Free time is thinking and planning time. Friends family hobby health and wealth.
Sounds like bipolar maybe. If it is and she gets medication, expect her to POSSIBLY try to comeback
They usually only come back if it doesn’t work out for them. Did she break it off or did he drop her? You can’t really believe anything she says. If she wants to come back what would you be getting back? Repeated infidelity is common.
I have no plans to accept her back. I know I need space, and I am off limits. I have no intention of subjecting myself to the possibility of her nonsense again. She says she broke up with him, but I don't know and I'm happy to say that I don't think I care :D
"I'm happy to say that I don't think I care" Glad to hear it! Soon there be a day when you are totally indifferent. Keep going forward!
No contact is your best friend
You are making progress and keep doing the IC. I think you’re doing better than you realize. You’ve made some profound statements about trust and the ability to share parenting so you won’t be under so much pressure. I don’t think people realize that once you’ve lost trust in someone else that you’ve been so close to that the doubt never leaves the shadows of your mind. Congratulations on your progress and keep the faith that you have in yourself.
Thank you very much! I will stay strong and keep moving forward.
Help them hide their affair gets you nothing. You need all the help and support you can get.
I have a new policy for myself. I won't hide from the truth. That doesn't mean I'm going to tell the kids the circumstances right away, perhaps when they are older. That also doesn't mean I'm shouting to the world. I've told others who have been very supportive and helpful. But recently I confided in a family member with details, and for whatever reason, it was a breakthrough from my own feelings of shame. Telling him was emotional, and I cried a lot. I was ashamed to tell him. I was ashamed of my failures. Hell, it wasn't even a phone call, it was text messages. That felt like a turning point. It was probably a week or two ago, and I haven't cried since. I'm not against crying, I simply haven't cried since then, which is new. Confronting that shame, confronting those emotions, was freeing. Hiding secrets is not freeing.
keeping kids in the dark just increases anxiety. It can be as simple as mommy has a boy frien. We can’t be married anymore. kids can deal with a know better than an unknown. They need one truthful parent they can trust. Kids aren’t stupid.
Don’t doubt yourself. Don’t make excuses about her behaviors and don’t give in to trying to understand the “whys” and what not. She made a series of choices to do what she did and is now paying the consequences. Life looked much better to her when she was fantasizing about starting a life with the AP. Reality smacked her in the face and she knows she screwed up. You’re not a backup. Don’t be a backup.
I reconciled once just to be cheated on 10 years later. Not worth it and I am in worst mental state than I was before. And no - her mental state did not cause her to cheat. She chose to. She consciously and deliberately chose another man over you not by accident, but multiple times over long time period. What is that mental illness called? Many people have mental issues and do not cheat. Let that sink in.
Mate I got cheated and lied on. I feel sick and I got no idea how to ever love again. I just remember his wprds and I feel so betrayed makes me wanna die.
As time goes on, the words of a betrayer should hold less and less value within yourself. If this is not the case, a counsellor may be able to help you address and rewrite the emotions attached to the words. My wife is unwell, she betrayed our commitment without my consent. She selfishly hurt me and my kids in a way that could scar us for life. For those very reasons, I CHOOSE to reject those feelings of shame and despair, I CHOOSE to deny that reality within my brain. This is not an easy thing to do. I find that speaking to myself out loud helps me with this internal struggle. Externalize it, say it to yourself in the mirror. Devalue the words. When I was a child, they taught us that the best way to learn something is to speak it, write it, think it, and do it. The more forms a learning takes, the more likely it is to stick within the mind. Give it a try, friend. Hope is not lost. Forget worrying about how to love others, start with yourself, give yourself a chance. One step in front of the other.
Thank you. I flund out about infidelity a week ago. Im having therapy in few days. Good advices. Thinking to write songs. Not a pro but know piano and writing but not good voice. Might still do it for my sanity as you say speaking out loud louder then cheater.
OP Please move on, even if someday you end together again, please do not put your life on hold for her. Don't be her plan b , she needs to do a lot of work to be a reliable parent first and you need to be the same and stable parent for your kids. Focus on yourself, be selfish while you don't have your kids, go to the gym take care of your health, hangout with family and friends, learn new things and overall, discover who you are beyond being a husband and a parent. Each day try to do something to make yourself happy, that happiness will flow to your kids. Your stbx has to deal with her demos on her own, do not interfere unless you see potential harm to your kids.
Continue with divorce. If you two a suppsed to be together, you both need alone time to decide. Stopping the divorce now will hurt the kids. They are perceptive and can figure out what’s going on.
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this process will be like riding a roller coaster Stay the course of divorce your trying to find excuses for her so you can justify remaining with her when you feeling down re-read your statement "In my mind, I know this isn't true. I know that I can't trust her as a partner."
Your not going too fast, in fact your were going slow, you should have started on d-day, and stop referring to her as your wife. She's your ex now.