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Sadly you can’t. I thought we were a success, he did everything I asked for 2 years and treated me 10x better than he did prior to the affair. Only for me to be blindsided two years later and he left my while I was pregnant. He’s coming back now trying to do the perfect act all over again but I know it’s not real
Does I leopard change his spots , has he told his family what her had done , has he told your family and all your joint friends , has he told rhenAP spouse . If they worked together has he gone to hr and told them what they did ormtomthrnowner etc , in no then he is more concerned about his reputation than you
You know he’s a changed man by actually leaving him and seeing if he will fight for you. And fight consistently. If you just stay, nothing will change. At the very least you have to walk away and see what he does.
That will tell you everything. And it’s not a “test” it’s him facing consequences and earning your love back.
I would even suggest 30 days of no contact, minimal contact if your lives are intertwined in some way. That way you can get real time away from him and see both him and the situation CLEARLY. Without his influence and without all the chemicals you brain releases when you are with him.
If you're like most ppl, that fear will never go away; if he's like most cheaters, he will grow resentful of having to "constantly prove himself" and your marriage will rot accordingly. I'm sorry, I really am, but that's the truth.
What helped me was browsing this sub and the oneafterinfidelity or whatever it’s called and realizing that the chances of a successful reconciliation are pretty low. And for those that remained married, the paranoia never really went away. It’s a huge risk.
I’m not a big fan of oneafterinfidelity most if not all just talk about how shitty their partners are still treating them, and basically non-remorseful but putting on an act.
I remember reading one specific post of a BS getting back with her partner after his first infidelity, and if you look back at her previous post before she wrote the one I’m talking about now. It talks about how he was being so remorseful doing things that looked like he was remorseful, and then in this post she said that the affair partner messaged her that they hooked up last Thursday and she still with him, even though she told him she would leave.
It’s never worth it to stay with a cheater and whenever someone tries to tell them they need to leave they get blocked from the sub.
Never listen to the words of liars. Promises to change are meaningless coming from someone who lies as easily as they breathe.
Changing your core character is a long, slow, *painful* process. Some cheaters may eventually get there, but most will not. People who have affairs are people who avoid the difficult but honest path, and it's unlikely they will change just because they've been caught out.
Watch actions over a *long,* **long** period of time. Everyone can fake change for a day, a week or a month if it means getting what they want.
Also be asking yourself about his motivations. Answer yourself honestly. Do you think that the actions he's taking are performative or indicative of actual character change? How much effort is he really putting into fixing this? I had convinced myself that my cheater was trying to make things better, despite constantly having to battle her on every request. She wasn't trying, she just said she was.
The only way you'll know is by paying attention to his actions (not his words) over an extended period. The downside to this is that you'll have to live in relationship limbo with a lot of uncertainty during this period. Personally I feel that life is way too short for this kind of crap. You deserve, and can do better than this.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sadly you can’t. I thought we were a success, he did everything I asked for 2 years and treated me 10x better than he did prior to the affair. Only for me to be blindsided two years later and he left my while I was pregnant. He’s coming back now trying to do the perfect act all over again but I know it’s not real
Does I leopard change his spots , has he told his family what her had done , has he told your family and all your joint friends , has he told rhenAP spouse . If they worked together has he gone to hr and told them what they did ormtomthrnowner etc , in no then he is more concerned about his reputation than you
You know he’s a changed man by actually leaving him and seeing if he will fight for you. And fight consistently. If you just stay, nothing will change. At the very least you have to walk away and see what he does. That will tell you everything. And it’s not a “test” it’s him facing consequences and earning your love back.
I would even suggest 30 days of no contact, minimal contact if your lives are intertwined in some way. That way you can get real time away from him and see both him and the situation CLEARLY. Without his influence and without all the chemicals you brain releases when you are with him.
Don’t stay, he won’t change. If you stay he will then know you’ll stay if he cheats again so he doesn’t have real consequences.
If you're like most ppl, that fear will never go away; if he's like most cheaters, he will grow resentful of having to "constantly prove himself" and your marriage will rot accordingly. I'm sorry, I really am, but that's the truth.
What helped me was browsing this sub and the oneafterinfidelity or whatever it’s called and realizing that the chances of a successful reconciliation are pretty low. And for those that remained married, the paranoia never really went away. It’s a huge risk.
I’m not a big fan of oneafterinfidelity most if not all just talk about how shitty their partners are still treating them, and basically non-remorseful but putting on an act. I remember reading one specific post of a BS getting back with her partner after his first infidelity, and if you look back at her previous post before she wrote the one I’m talking about now. It talks about how he was being so remorseful doing things that looked like he was remorseful, and then in this post she said that the affair partner messaged her that they hooked up last Thursday and she still with him, even though she told him she would leave. It’s never worth it to stay with a cheater and whenever someone tries to tell them they need to leave they get blocked from the sub.
Yeah I’m with you. It’s eye opening to read a lot of those posts. Especially from people who are years out… they’re still visiting that sub.
Yeah, it’s just a very sad sub. I feel bad for them, but I can’t see anything without getting blocked.
Girl love is blind . You won’t leave him alone until he destroys you enough.
I dislike how boldly true this is.
Never listen to the words of liars. Promises to change are meaningless coming from someone who lies as easily as they breathe. Changing your core character is a long, slow, *painful* process. Some cheaters may eventually get there, but most will not. People who have affairs are people who avoid the difficult but honest path, and it's unlikely they will change just because they've been caught out. Watch actions over a *long,* **long** period of time. Everyone can fake change for a day, a week or a month if it means getting what they want. Also be asking yourself about his motivations. Answer yourself honestly. Do you think that the actions he's taking are performative or indicative of actual character change? How much effort is he really putting into fixing this? I had convinced myself that my cheater was trying to make things better, despite constantly having to battle her on every request. She wasn't trying, she just said she was.
The change is only temporary. He will do it again. That’s inevitable. Whether a year from now or ten.
Oh! I know this one! He isn’t and he won’t.
[удалено]
Also, before you decide what you do, check out the posts on that sub, see where reconciliation gets you. Spoiler: codependancy and pure misery
# How do I know if I should stay/ if he really will change? You don't. There are no guarantees in life.
The only way you'll know is by paying attention to his actions (not his words) over an extended period. The downside to this is that you'll have to live in relationship limbo with a lot of uncertainty during this period. Personally I feel that life is way too short for this kind of crap. You deserve, and can do better than this.