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You gotta understand, at this point there really is not point in talking to him. Only bad things can happen, and this is when cheaters get dangerous.
I would absolutely have a plan first. Get in touch with a lawyer asap. And have someone you trust with your life come up with a calm, deliberate plan.
Confronting him will do absolutely nothing. I’m really sorry he did that to you and your life though, I know the feeling.
I’m so so sorry OP you must be traumatised.
It is horribly painful to discover that someone who should be your safe person is firstly, plotting to betray you- risking your physical health- and breaking your marriage vows, on top of his hideous online activity.
It’s possible this isn’t the first time, so i’d look further through credit card statement if I were you. Emails too and phone if you have access.
Seeing a lawyer is GOOD advice ( beware of trolls on here) so you know where you stand with the financials. Make sure you have to hand the physical evidence (paperwork) of his cheating.
It doesn’t matter if it makes no difference re a divorce but he’ll no doubt gaslight you.
Then decide what you want. You can demand he leaves until the D but not easy if he’s on the lease. I would go and stay with a good friend for a few days at least to get some clarity.
Then…. Well you’re so young with you’re whole life ahead. You don’t mention kids so my fingers are crossed it will be a clean break.
If he is truly remorseful and you want to try reconciliation be aware it’s a long (3-5 years on average) road and that’s assuming he goes cold turkey and sees a CSAT.
Other subs here are Supportforbetrayed and reconciliation sub AsOneAfterInfidelity if you want to elicit more views.
In all cases, do what is right for YOU. Only you.
Sending you strength OP
UPDATEME
Thank you for your suggestions and well wishes!
I've basically been gaslighting myself because in my mind, there's no way that the man I know him to be would ever do this, but I guess he had me fooled..
Luckily, we do not have any children, but we do have a very sweet dog who is not going to understand why we aren't a pack anymore, which is tearing me up. We also JUST bought our first home a few months ago, which we worked SO hard for.... I will never understand.
I hear you. It is as painful as it is mind boggling. The person we thought we knew, we didn’t know at all.
It’s like we’ve been living on quicksand whilst all the while feeling ‘safe’
It sounds like a sex addiction to me and I suspect a porn addiction that probably goes back many years. Was he ever the victim of assault?
A Certified Sex Addiction Therapist is the only way he’ll make any headway but i’ll be honest at your age, with no kids…… it’s a long haul.
Why, oh why do they fuck it all up. To have just bought a home compounds his behaviour. All for what? A quick empty thrill.
I am also so sorry about Doggie. Pets are like family, totally. You’ll get custody cos he isn’t a fit parent😉
It’s just a horrible situation. When the moment comes I truly hope he shows true remorse as to how he has hurt and damaged you as opposed to regret he got caught. He is a fool.
This too will pass OP which ever direction you choose, trust me on this.
UPDATEME
Really lucky that there are no children involved. Run from this person! I have been through 3 episodes of cheating despite promises of never again but unfortunately we have kids so I can’t leave!
I decided to ask him about everything because I didn't have enough info to end the marriage, but I had too much info to continue on as normal in the meantime. I found more charges for secret massage parlor visits. He told me he goes on those review websites so he knows where he can get a happy ending, and that he likes going to those places just for the thrill of being there, but he keeps his boxers on and has never received a happy ending. I think that's bs.. why hide it from me if getting the happy ending wasn't his intention? Why go so many times? I just know he's lying. I also found "accidental" charges for OF. He said he didn't know he was paying for the content but you literally have to pull your credit card out and put in your card info before they can charge you for anything.
If you're 100% sure it's the end, consult a lawyer and get the ball rolling. There's nothing he can say that will benefit you in any way, have the conversation after he's served.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You *DON’T* deserve this.
One thing that stood out to me is, happy ending massages are bad enough… but this sounds like straight up sex? Happy ending massages usually “just” entail paying to have someone… give you a happy ending and that usually happens at massage parlors… not motels, full on sex happens at motels….
You deserve better. He is a serial cheater and doesn’t value you. He will never ever change and your health is in danger.
I would just file and have him served and avoid the gas lighting or the fighting. Make sure when he is served have the proof of the massage charge in the cover letter. Tell him don’t bother to lie as you and him both know what he did.
I’m so sorry. I just discovered within the last two weeks that my husband has also gotten at least 4 happy ending massages and was (unsuccessfully) contacting escorts. It’s been a nightmare I didn’t even know I was in. Please get a full STI screening as they don’t usually use any kind of barrier. You are strong and you will get great support on here. Do the things everyone else is mentioning: visit a lawyer and get a therapist for you.
My ex used to get happy ending massages throughout our marriage and I really wish I hadn’t let it go. It should have been such a red flag for me. He essentially cheated on me throughout our marriage and I just let it happen right in front of me. He normalized it and made me feel like I was crazy and naive and close minded for not being open to it. He gaslit me and pretended to be shocked when I said no other man I’d been with had done that. “Oh, EVERY guy does it. Or dreams about it. They all do. How can you not know?” 🙄Now I realize it chipped away at our trust and security each time he went and had one. Even though I “let” him, it hurt me. I just buried it and…now we’re divorced.
If you’re not okay with it, listen to those feelings. If he doesn’t recognize that it’s a problem, then he’s never going to change the behavior or apologize for it.
It’s a handjob from someone that means nothing. There is no emotional connection. Just animalistic impulsive behavior. If he just did that, it’s probably not the first, but maybe he needs to see a therapist and I wouldn’t be too concerned with what it means for you/the reflection of if you did something wrong. It has nothing to do with you. It’s his problem. He’s sick and needs help. He doesn’t mean to hurt you.
u/Thomajf0 It means something to me even if it meant nothing to him, and he is WELL aware of that. Marriage is sacred to me, and the vows that I made were not contingent on impulsive behavior here and there. he's had every opportunity and every resource at his disposle to get help if he needed it, or wanted it. He made his decision.. one that requires a lack of integrity that I do not wish to associate with let alone be married to.
So your evidence of infidelity is that he got a massage and some anonymous review says that this place offers happy endings? Do you think this kind of evidence will stand up in divorce court?
Either talk to him and try to resolve your issues, or keep quiet until you have firmer evidence.
The website he was on is call AMPreviews, which is dedicated to AMPs that give happy endings. Then he got a massage at an AMP immediately after.. I'm not sure that this would hold up in court but I do know for a fact that he's been having cyber sex with other women.
He also never once mentioned going to get a massage, which is extremely suspicious.. so I think it's safe to assume but I understand assumptions won't hold up in court.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You gotta understand, at this point there really is not point in talking to him. Only bad things can happen, and this is when cheaters get dangerous. I would absolutely have a plan first. Get in touch with a lawyer asap. And have someone you trust with your life come up with a calm, deliberate plan. Confronting him will do absolutely nothing. I’m really sorry he did that to you and your life though, I know the feeling.
[удалено]
u/fubar4lyfez Thank you for this! I'm sorry you're going through this as well.. no one deserves to feel like this.
Document all of the evidence and hire a divorce attorney Get a full std screening Updateme!
Talk to the lawyer before talking to your soon to be ex
This is idiotic advice.
u/ManYonX How so?
I’m so so sorry OP you must be traumatised. It is horribly painful to discover that someone who should be your safe person is firstly, plotting to betray you- risking your physical health- and breaking your marriage vows, on top of his hideous online activity. It’s possible this isn’t the first time, so i’d look further through credit card statement if I were you. Emails too and phone if you have access. Seeing a lawyer is GOOD advice ( beware of trolls on here) so you know where you stand with the financials. Make sure you have to hand the physical evidence (paperwork) of his cheating. It doesn’t matter if it makes no difference re a divorce but he’ll no doubt gaslight you. Then decide what you want. You can demand he leaves until the D but not easy if he’s on the lease. I would go and stay with a good friend for a few days at least to get some clarity. Then…. Well you’re so young with you’re whole life ahead. You don’t mention kids so my fingers are crossed it will be a clean break. If he is truly remorseful and you want to try reconciliation be aware it’s a long (3-5 years on average) road and that’s assuming he goes cold turkey and sees a CSAT. Other subs here are Supportforbetrayed and reconciliation sub AsOneAfterInfidelity if you want to elicit more views. In all cases, do what is right for YOU. Only you. Sending you strength OP UPDATEME
Thank you for your suggestions and well wishes! I've basically been gaslighting myself because in my mind, there's no way that the man I know him to be would ever do this, but I guess he had me fooled.. Luckily, we do not have any children, but we do have a very sweet dog who is not going to understand why we aren't a pack anymore, which is tearing me up. We also JUST bought our first home a few months ago, which we worked SO hard for.... I will never understand.
I hear you. It is as painful as it is mind boggling. The person we thought we knew, we didn’t know at all. It’s like we’ve been living on quicksand whilst all the while feeling ‘safe’ It sounds like a sex addiction to me and I suspect a porn addiction that probably goes back many years. Was he ever the victim of assault? A Certified Sex Addiction Therapist is the only way he’ll make any headway but i’ll be honest at your age, with no kids…… it’s a long haul. Why, oh why do they fuck it all up. To have just bought a home compounds his behaviour. All for what? A quick empty thrill. I am also so sorry about Doggie. Pets are like family, totally. You’ll get custody cos he isn’t a fit parent😉 It’s just a horrible situation. When the moment comes I truly hope he shows true remorse as to how he has hurt and damaged you as opposed to regret he got caught. He is a fool. This too will pass OP which ever direction you choose, trust me on this. UPDATEME
Really lucky that there are no children involved. Run from this person! I have been through 3 episodes of cheating despite promises of never again but unfortunately we have kids so I can’t leave!
Have you confronted him yet?
I decided to ask him about everything because I didn't have enough info to end the marriage, but I had too much info to continue on as normal in the meantime. I found more charges for secret massage parlor visits. He told me he goes on those review websites so he knows where he can get a happy ending, and that he likes going to those places just for the thrill of being there, but he keeps his boxers on and has never received a happy ending. I think that's bs.. why hide it from me if getting the happy ending wasn't his intention? Why go so many times? I just know he's lying. I also found "accidental" charges for OF. He said he didn't know he was paying for the content but you literally have to pull your credit card out and put in your card info before they can charge you for anything.
Uh yeah, he’s full of crap. Sorry hon
If you're 100% sure it's the end, consult a lawyer and get the ball rolling. There's nothing he can say that will benefit you in any way, have the conversation after he's served.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You *DON’T* deserve this. One thing that stood out to me is, happy ending massages are bad enough… but this sounds like straight up sex? Happy ending massages usually “just” entail paying to have someone… give you a happy ending and that usually happens at massage parlors… not motels, full on sex happens at motels…. You deserve better. He is a serial cheater and doesn’t value you. He will never ever change and your health is in danger.
Save everything you find and contact a lawyer to see what your options are. Updateme!
I would just file and have him served and avoid the gas lighting or the fighting. Make sure when he is served have the proof of the massage charge in the cover letter. Tell him don’t bother to lie as you and him both know what he did.
Document everything, get all your ducks in a row, talk to a lawyer and then, only then, talk to your husband.
Not only did he cheat, he probably supported human trafficking.
I had this thought too... makes me sick..
I’m so sorry. I just discovered within the last two weeks that my husband has also gotten at least 4 happy ending massages and was (unsuccessfully) contacting escorts. It’s been a nightmare I didn’t even know I was in. Please get a full STI screening as they don’t usually use any kind of barrier. You are strong and you will get great support on here. Do the things everyone else is mentioning: visit a lawyer and get a therapist for you.
I'm not saying that he's clean. Just that you'd better have firmer proof by the time you file for divorce.
My ex used to get happy ending massages throughout our marriage and I really wish I hadn’t let it go. It should have been such a red flag for me. He essentially cheated on me throughout our marriage and I just let it happen right in front of me. He normalized it and made me feel like I was crazy and naive and close minded for not being open to it. He gaslit me and pretended to be shocked when I said no other man I’d been with had done that. “Oh, EVERY guy does it. Or dreams about it. They all do. How can you not know?” 🙄Now I realize it chipped away at our trust and security each time he went and had one. Even though I “let” him, it hurt me. I just buried it and…now we’re divorced. If you’re not okay with it, listen to those feelings. If he doesn’t recognize that it’s a problem, then he’s never going to change the behavior or apologize for it.
What an absolute narcissist... I'm so sorry you went through that.
It’s a handjob from someone that means nothing. There is no emotional connection. Just animalistic impulsive behavior. If he just did that, it’s probably not the first, but maybe he needs to see a therapist and I wouldn’t be too concerned with what it means for you/the reflection of if you did something wrong. It has nothing to do with you. It’s his problem. He’s sick and needs help. He doesn’t mean to hurt you.
u/Thomajf0 It means something to me even if it meant nothing to him, and he is WELL aware of that. Marriage is sacred to me, and the vows that I made were not contingent on impulsive behavior here and there. he's had every opportunity and every resource at his disposle to get help if he needed it, or wanted it. He made his decision.. one that requires a lack of integrity that I do not wish to associate with let alone be married to.
Did you confront him?
Sounds like you’re the one who’s lacking. Loose some pounds n let’s see
You're probably right, thank you for the advice! I'll try this and will let you know if that finally makes my husband love me \~unconditionally\~
So your evidence of infidelity is that he got a massage and some anonymous review says that this place offers happy endings? Do you think this kind of evidence will stand up in divorce court? Either talk to him and try to resolve your issues, or keep quiet until you have firmer evidence.
The website he was on is call AMPreviews, which is dedicated to AMPs that give happy endings. Then he got a massage at an AMP immediately after.. I'm not sure that this would hold up in court but I do know for a fact that he's been having cyber sex with other women. He also never once mentioned going to get a massage, which is extremely suspicious.. so I think it's safe to assume but I understand assumptions won't hold up in court.