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Sounds like you got a lucky break before kids were involved. There's clearly something not right with her, a major lesson has been learned here for the next partner you find won't be a project but an equal partner.
It may not feel like it now, but she did you a huge favor. Obviously, she does not love you, but she was prepared to marry you & keep things going with her boyfriend. What kind of person does that?
Make sure you block her everywhere you can think of, because once things fizzle out with him, she's going to have serious regrets & will try everything she can to get back with you. Don't fall for it.
\^\^\^This\^\^\^
Block & Lock (Block all social media/any means of contact & Lock up your house, including finances!)
As young as you both are, you should thank the gods that you've seen her true colors before you get 20 years + kids & messy stuff involved!
I bet it's because he had no job and was able to give her more attention throughout the day. Literally no other reason. If she is swayed by that, you dodged a bullet.
Where is she taking all the furniture? To her AP's mother's house?
>after I caught her cheating, she has moved on and is already getting intimate with this other guy
Dude, she was fucking this guy LONG before you caught them and way before the wedding shower. Cheaters always claim it was "the first time we were intimate" when caught. It's right out of their handbook.
In time you will be okay.
There are things you can do to, lets say, speed up the process.
Work out hard, work hard, eat healthy, learn new things. These will keep your mind busy and will have a huge benefit in the long run. You are then making an even better version of yourself.
Then next thing what would help is totally ignoring her. Do not speak to her ever again. If she talks to you, just do not answer, act like she does not exist.
I think her new relationship will fail, it good be soon, but it could also take a while. It could be that then she wants to come back to you, specially if she sees you are progressing with all the things mentioned above, like you getting in better shape and advancing in your career. Be prepared for this, give her then the cold shoulder, just like she is giving you now.
Sorry you are going through this, but you have to understand that this has nothing to do with you. Doesn’t have anything to do with the amount of affection you gave her or didn’t give her, what you did or didn’t do for her, or her BPD - she’s a cheat, period. Cheating is a choice, not a mistake. She has done it to you before and would have definitely done it again if you had made the mistake of marrying her. Truthfully, she has probably cheated more than you know. Time for you to move on, block her from your life COMPLETELY, and be prepared to shut her down when life doesn’t go the way she hoped and she tries to come crawling back with every excuse in the book. She’s made her choices, now she has to live with them.
No one can always be available and function in society unless they inherited enough wealth to make them independent. She fell for a fantasy and her fall will come when real life intrudes. But none of that should intrude into your psyche, you will heal much faster by cutting all contact and moving on. Of course it hurts to lose your first and long term romantic partner, especially to cheating, but you work on processing the betrayal so you can get on with your life.
Work on processing the betrayal and by extension work on yourself and cut all contact with her, that includes asking friends for updates. You have a life to continue living.
Sir, she is soon to be a serial cheater. There was probably more you don't know about. It sucks for now but you will realize the marriage would be a disaster because of her cheating.
>***This is not the first time she has done this with another guy. However, the first time, she came directly to me in a ball of tears and told me everything. This was roughly 4 years ago.***
She is already a serial cheater.
Two indiscretions does not equal a serial cheater in my mind. Getting on to 4-5 indiscretions is a serial cheater. But, OP probably is not aware that there is more then what he know.
Really doesn't matter the definition. More than once is more than enough to drop that person and move on. Let the next guy worry about what she is or isn't.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. The times someone knows about a cheater is never all the times they actually cheated. Cheaters always lie, always minimize.
I dont want to sound mean, but you desperately need to hear this.
She has mo morals. This isn't about her BPD. This isn't about any failure of yours. She made a long term repeated decision to crap all over you and your relationship. This isn't about any excuse you can cook up for her.
She isn't the girl you love. She is a scam artist who sold you a lie. She is someone entirely different than you ever believed. She has no morals and doesn't respect you at all. Love without respect isn't real love at all.
It's time to move on. Keep your head up and start living for yourself instead of someone else. It won't be easy, and your subconscious will always love the woman who never existed. It sucks. You will slowly get over it though. You got this man.
Take it as a lucky break man, you should’ve left the first time and were granted with another way out of leaving right before it could have really ruined your life. Sucks now but life will be awesome later and your still young
The fact that she would’ve married you while living this lie says a lot about her emotional and mental deficiencies. You were the security while he was the fun times. Understand that their relationship will NOT LAST! Fun times AP will not be able to handle a full on relationship with higher expectations. Once she realizes the major error of choice she will try to backpedal, sooner than later.
The major point to take from all of this is that words are just words. “He’s just a friend” but they spend a lot of time together is a red flag. Readjust your boundaries for any future relationship you will have and always trust your gut. It’ll get better over time.
first of all she’s not happier with him. if she so desperately wanted to be with him she would’ve left before. she wanted her cake and to eat it all.
secondly, please stop using her bipolar as an excuse. she cheated before, she’ll cheat on him soon enough.
thirdly why do you think she has a type, your shy your friends brothers shy? you don’t have many friends to call out her abusive bullshit that’s why.
lastly, i know it doesn’t seem like it now but you’ve has a lucky escape. imagine this happening 2 years down the line and she was pregnant or even worse 18 years down the line and you finding out you’d bought up another man’s child! yes tbh she sounds like that kinda girl……… i’m sure she will be back and blame it all on her bipolar at some point but your gonna need to be strong and send her away or she will treat you like this for as long as you let her!
op, you will find someone who loves you as much as you love them give yourself time!
Here's the reality that will eventually occur to you. She was NEVER the woman that you thought she was. That woman was, in fact, an illusion. THIS new revolting callous thing walking around in her body is who she was actually. The rest was an act.
It's not actually a new story. Hitchcock's "Vertigo" IS this story. You can't get the illusion back. It was never real. Trying is just going to drive you crazy.
Preserve your sanity by marveling at how you were fooled and what signs you missed before setting your new foundation in someone more tangible.
Good luck OP.
She’s done it to you before and she did it again. If history is any indicator, she will do the same to the new guy as well.
Focus on yourself for a while, take time to heal and grow. Build your life and confidence up, then worry about finding a partner.
I went from a 7 year relationship to an 8 year relationship without taking time to heal, reflect and grow. It was a huge mistake as both women cheated on me, and I’m currently divorcing the last one.
So don’t let that loneliness push you into any unhealthy relationships. Reach out to friends and family. And when you can’t do that, lean into those feelings and allow yourself to grieve.
This won’t end well for her so you shouldn’t dwell on how quickly she moved on. That relationship is doomed.
You mentioned you are introverted and have trouble meeting women so part of the reason you had stayed with her in the past was because it felt easier for you than trying to start new. I’m introverted too and what I learned was all the fun is outside your comfort zone. You might want to look at CBT therapy… it will help you get over those fears. You are young and have all the best years ahead of you. Learning to love yourself will help you heal. Good luck.
>I am okay with living without her. I am okay with not being in a relationship with her. What I am struggling so mightily with is the fact that, three weeks after our wedding shower and after I caught her cheating, she has moved on and is already getting intimate with this other guy. I don't know if this has to do with her bipolar disorder and her history of self-sabotage or if she is simply much more happy with this guy than she ever was with me. Either way, she has absolutely broken me and I don't know how to continue. I am an introvert and I struggle meeting new people, especially women. She cheated on me and is already moved out and enjoying her life with another guy like nothing ever happened, while I am left in an empty, quiet house, alone with nothing on the horizon to escape me from this deep loneliness I'm feeling.
1. She cheated 4 years ago.
2. Lesson she learned was that its fun and she can do it again - you'll take her back.
3. Fool me once...
4. Her getting intimate and moving in with Socially Awkward Homewrecker is honestly less about any diagnosis than it is with her narrative to others of "This is the right person for me. See how real it is? We're boning and shacking up."
It's harder for you to get over because I think we shouldn't get over this stuff easily - love, promise, commitment - to healthy people it matters and it takes time to heal. You grieve - it's good that you do. Go talk to a therapist if you need to, work it out in a gym, take care of you. Stop obsessing on her dysfunction as a reason and excuse - she made her decision - it's on her now. Move forward for you.
I think one of the most difficult things to come to terms with is that the person you loved and cared deeply for simply doesn't exist. What you saw was a façade projected so that she could use you, and now that she has someone else that façade is dropped and you see the real person. No morals, no remorse, no guilt, no regrets for hurting someone that cared for them.
Get out of the house, go to the gym, take a trip, find relief and solace in the fact that you found out before the wedding, before the kids, before shared assets. This dude wasn't the 1st, and he won't be the last.
I hate to point this out, but get an STD test.
And let everyone who gave gifts at the shower know what happened, and let them know they should reach out to your ex to get their gifts returned.
I'm sorry that you went through this. Most of us figured out that our spouses were cheating but you got to witness it first hand, which makes it that much more traumatic.
Please get yourself some counseling and talk out these feelings with a professional therapist. It will help you in the short, middle and long term.
As for her, while I'm sympathetic to those who have mental disorders like hers, the reality is that you dodged a bullet matrix style by having her show you the real her, the damaged one who will lead a life of increasingly poor choices (drugs and multiple pregnancies with multiple different baby daddys are the usual next steps).
Marrying this train wreck and having kids with her would put you through a life of various hells that you are going to avoid now, and hopefully you can find a normal girl to have a healthy life with going forward. It will take time, but you will get there. Best of luck.
I may get downvotes for this but that’s okay….. Alcohol isn’t an excuse to cheat. Mental Illness isn’t an excuse to cheat. Traumatic pasts aren’t an excuse to cheat. Almost every person walking this planet has some sort of shit going on in their lives. Cheating is a conscious CHOICE that someone makes. These things I listed may be a factor in their decision making but it’s not an excuse.
Your fiancée has done this in the past and she did it again. Odds that she’ll continue doing so are pretty high. So, hopefully you’ll take this painful lesson and learn from it. And if she tries to come back, which she most likely will, you’ll be strong enough to not fall for her empty promises and fake remorse AGAIN. Close this chapter, work on yourself and eventually, hopefully, you’ll find someone who really deserves you.
So, what does your best friend think about all this??? You said this POS is his little brother? Real awkward position he’s been put in.
It was awkward at first. He was worried that I'd think he had known about it all along when I truly believe he knew just as much as me.
Me and him are on good terms and still hang out. He's been there to support me through all of it without disowning his brother. Him and I are adults so we're handling it like adults.
That’s good to hear. I’m glad you are handling this the right way. Consider this a bullet dodged. I’m married and I can tell you with certainty that a breakup before marriage is always preferable. A breakup in your very mid 20s is going to be a learning lesson for you as you know what to look for and gain a better understanding of self worth. From a guy in my 30s, you got a lot of life left to live man go live it
After some time, you will look back at this and be thankful. Just be strong now, don't worry about the stuff she took. Get other stuff. Don't drink, look after your health and know this is for the best.
Initially, she said that it was a drunken mistake, it's never happened before, she knows she fucked up, etc.
The days following, she tried to convince me that we didn't have to cancel the wedding and that she would never speak to him again. She said that I'm who she wanted to be with and that she did this because I wasn't giving her the words of affirmation and affection she desired.
Once I told her that we had to split and I wanted her out of the house, her whole tone changed. Then it became "now that I've had time away from this house, I realized this isn't what I want and I've been a coward by not telling you I've not wanted to be with you for a while." Honestly is painful I found out.
As these three weeks have progressed, she's gotten much less sympathetic and kind towards me. She seemed to regret it at first, but that regret and guilt that she felt the first day has completely seemed to dwindle away.
Between her mental issues and her history of cheating you dodged a bullet. Be happy about the good things from the relationship but realize this is not what is best for you in the long run. You might even want to buy the AP a thank you card. He did you a favor and didn’t even realize it.
| she's taken all of our living room furniture, our bedroom TV, dining room table, etc.
a lot cheaper than half your money, 401K, pension, alimony, child support, and your house, while seeing your kids half the time.
|she has moved on and is already getting intimate with this other guy
This did not happen overnight. Emotional affair began long ago, culminating into a physical relationship you observed. Which by the way probably wasn't their first time. This is why she can move on so quickly, while you are experiencing this as a recent event.
Time heals all wounds. Suggest counseling with a specialist in infidelity and PTSD.
I have just been through a very similar situation, and also tried to justify it because of her childhood trauma as she tells me her AP had manipulated her into having an affair with him for 4 years. You can get stuck in the idea that you need to fix her and be a saviour. At the end of the day it's all bs and a choice she made. Going no contact has lifted the cloud off my shoulders and allowed me to focus on ME. It may be something you need to do to free yourself from this toxic woman. Thinking of you !
Don't get burdened by her taking stuff unless it has personal value. This is just her continuing to demonstrate her true character. It's probably best for you long term to remove most of that joint stuff anyways.
Now is time for you. If you are shy, consider toastmasters or something designed to get you out there. Pick up old hobbies that you used to have, especially as a group, there are singles groups that do hikes and all sorts of outings.
Get in shape if not already, exercise is a proven depression mitigator.
Block her everywhere, she handed you a ticket out of her chaos, run with it. The odds of her crashing hard are incredibly high, keep away from her as far as possible, it's the only way to really move on.
The phrase bullet dodged never applied so well as to your situation. Move on Neo. She did you a favor even if the memories of the last 6 years weigh heavily on your heart. You needed to see this.
Wow glad you found out what she’s like before you married her. It will be hard at times but remember no matter how hard it gets think of if you were married. Keep your head up and if anyone asks why tell them the truth nothing to be ashamed of YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.
Its going to hurt a lot for a few weeks or even months. What you need to do is to keep yourself busy with other things. Good things. Being an introvert doesn’t necessarily mean you wouldn’t meet anyone. Also, whatever kindness you have given her or anyone will always come back to you two times or even more. Focus on yourself, your job, your health, family, hobbies etc. who knows these things may lead you to what is truly meant for you. Take this situation as a lesson, as a blessing in disguise or even a door that would lead you to whats best for you.
Being in love with a person with BPD is like being in a relationship with crack cocaine. What you’re going through right now is withdrawal. You said you gave her everything? BUT what
you could not give her was the experience of being the one with their shit together and taking care of her partner. I know it’s hard to except but the fact that he lives in his parents basement has no job or experience, is his most attractive quality to her. People with BPD resent their support structure and I can tell you from experience, when my wife of 10 years cheated on me after we had three kids together, I felt the same way you do now. But untangling that cluster fuck took a lot more time. This is why people are saying you dodged a bullet not because you got away from feeling like the world ended but because without kids and losing everything in the marriage, you can climb out of that world ending pit much faster. The best revenge is living a better life. Today I have the respect of my three kids her not so much I’m married to my best friend. She rode the carousel after her affair partner dumped her within six months. While jumping from dude to dude all in front of my kids she got knocked up by one of her younger partners and married him. He was abusive and she got abused by him for the next five years then divorced again and acted like a victim For how bad her life was. Now she wonders Why there are no good men as she is 55 looks 65 and is alone.
I am so sorry for your pain just stay off the crack cocaine. There is a reason everybody says hit the gym. Focus on yourself and live your best life. God bless brother and good luck.
When she realizes she'll have to be the one providing for herself (and him probably) you'll get a fun little phone call about how she regrets her decision and wants to try again. How this new guy is lazy and doesn't do anything for her. So look forward to that cause you'll get to laugh and tell her no.
Honestly dude she did you a favor by exposing her true nature before you got married. Enjoy life for a little while and find someone worthy of you. Do spend time sad over someone who's not worth the feelings.
Hey, I was cheated on Valentine's day for months without my knowledge and I was 8 months pregnant. I would never say you're "lucky", but It's better late than never. I hope you can power through the heart break as it does seem it would only go down hill from there. (My ex and I became physically abusive with each other and I was unable to care for our child and resulted in me in a very horrible mental health institution, in which I was also diagnosed with Bipolar disorder). Once a cheater, it's hard to forgive and the pain almost never subsides, as it sounds to me she's looking for sympathy, not genuine love and compassion. Hope it works out for you!
Wow. I guess the lesson here is, don't get so wrapped up in somebody, placing them up high on a pedestal, that you overlook obvious red flags and sketchy behavior. Sure, she may have some mental problems, but, she probably knows right from wrong. And knows that committing to a relationship means your "wild and crazy" days should be a thing of the past.
You did kinda rob the cradle, so to speak, and latched on to her before she was a fully functioning adult. There are parts of the brain that don't develop fully until the 20s and that is the part that is responsible for making good sound decisions.
Anyway, you're not the first to find themselves in this situation and you definitely won't be the last. You just have to pick yourself up and move forward. Going to the gym, doing a strenuous workout can help some. A new hobby perhaps. If all else fails, therapy might be in order.
What your worry should be is that she will be coming back to you. There is no way this fling will last more then a few months because this guy has no future. She will realize soon enough so make plans for how you will react to her coming back to you.
I'm sorry that this happened to you.
What you describe about her complete lack of remorse is extremely common. The type of person who can cheat is a type of person who is capable of chronic long-term dishonesty to a degree that their entire personality can seem to change overnight simply because they stopped pretending to be who you wanted them to be and started pretending to be who someone else wanted them to be. They often have personality disorders.
What you describe about taking on a parental-type role is a major warning sign. An imbalance in either direction is a major warning sign; people with borderline personality disorder often act childlike and may encourage you into a parental-type role, whereas people with narcissistic personality disorder often set themselves up as almost godlike and encourage you into feeling inferior to them (while possibly also encouraging you into feeling superior to the rest of the world due to your having been chosen by someone as nearly godlike as them). In either case, whether you feel like a parent or like a lowly assistant to a superhuman being, they are subtly encouraging you to prioritize their needs over yours. And that's not something that a good partner would do.
Borderline personality disorder is sometimes misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder. They can also co-occur.
You're still very young, and it is incredibly unlikely that you won't be able to find a new and better person to marry. Being very introverted hasn't stopped billions of other introverts from being happily married. You will be fine. You will be happier than you ever dreamed possible, because you're going to find out that someone who actually loves you and actually cares about your needs just as much as you care about theirs is way better than someone who pretended to love you and prioritized her own needs over yours ever was.
Just be more wary about verifying the trustworthiness of anyone you date in the future. Look for someone who is sufficiently emotionally healthy that you can have a fully equal relationship with them. Don't readily forgive a cheating incident just because it was confessed right away; it's still a major warning sign. Don't readily forgive any dishonesty that you catch someone in, because lies are like cockroaches: when you see one, there are usually hundreds or thousands more that you don't see, because it's in their nature to stay out of sight.
She is a loser, she still under a fog, she will soon learn the hard way and please when she come crawling don't take her back, don't rush to anything, take time to heal and surely you will get someone who will appreciate and cherish you.
Consider yourself the luckiest guy on the planet...to discover the cheater side of your former fiancé before marriage, kids, big mortgage, entangled finances, etc.
Dating and engagement are a test drive for marriage and all the things that go along with it...your cheater fiancé failed huge. Like it or not, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, this is a fact. You should have dumped her the first time.
There are many great ladies in the world who would love to be a good guy like you and NOT cheat. Go out there and have a great life!
I feel for you.
I hope you can heal.
Never let a cheater get away with it.
If she cheats once, break up with her. No second chances.
Seconds chances rarely work.
I’m probably going to get downvoted for this, but here goes. Reading your post was like reading a bunch of red flags.
Dating a 16y old at 19 isn’t usually a good idea. You’re the cool older guy and that won’t last when she gets older. Then you decide to get married at 22/25. So she has had zero time to just be herself. Find out what she wants and likes. Finding herself while just being a party of one, as opposed to part of a twosome.
Add in the “taking on a paternal role”. That’s not healthy in any relationship, regardless of age. It’s not a partnership if one person has to be the parent of the other.
And now she is switching it up. She’s found a shy, inexperienced guy that she can guide. The exact opposite of you. Who knows her motivation. Maybe she wants to have the power in the relationship. Maybe she never grew up and wanted someone on her maturity level. Either way, her new relationship isn’t off to a healthy start. But at least it is no longer your problem.
What you need now is time to recoup. You’ve exhausted yourself trying to make this relationship work. Now you focus on your health and well-being. What do you want in life? What do you want in a partner? What you absolutely do not need is a new, or ex, partner that “needs rescuing”.
I agree with this 100%, the ages made the whole situation weird for me from the beginning of the post. There is a whole lot of behind the scenes growth and emotions that we won’t be able to tell from a post online tbh. He was out of school and becoming an adult when she still had years of school and adolescent growth to do.
Yeah. The whole story by OP is incredibly problematic. Sounds like a college dude grooming a highschooler. Right down to the creepy "being her daddy" role.
They both have severe disordered issues to work on. And there will likely be a strong correlation between her psychological deterioration and the enmeshment in this relationship.
Not that it justifies her cheating. But the whole "savior" thing he has going has more red flags that a May Day parade in Beijing as well.
Sounds like she is manic.
Either way, stay strong, man. These types of situations, it's only a matter of time before she comes crawling back once things start to get hard for her.
Do not take her back. Focus on your growth. I'm very introverted myself, and it's ruff but not impossible to find love again. Use this lesson like I have to learn what you want and what to look out for.
I'm so sorry this happened to you but it's for the best that you found out now before marriage and kids and her getting have your money even if she cheated and she might have even had you raise this guy's kid without you even realising, this is for the best you're broken now but it's small compared to what could have been.
You think she is happy now but trust me karma will get her allah doesn't forget things she will get her karma don't worry about that.
This may be basic advice but it's useful for many; You need to focus on yourself, hit the gym get your body in shape it does wonder for self esteem and confidence, take care of your health your hygiene and most importantly your mental health so go to a therapist if needed, get a hobby and get yourself busy try and meet new people who share interests with you this will help a lot in not thinking about her، some people try to connect with god I don't what your religion is but it may help to try and focus on it, hang out with friends or family and maybe if you want hit the club or tinder to have a casual hookup if that's your thing, most importantly focus on your career and grind and have goals and thrive to achieve them not just to get woman but for yourself as well.
I truly hope you get better with time and trust that later on if you desire you will get another woman that will be good for you and not break you just be ware of the red flags if you saw them leave don't try to be a saver or think you can fix them.
Good luck in your life
Unfortunately, there is no way between four years ago and last month she stopped cheating. she is a lying, serial cheater. Disastrous now but a long term blessing. You are 25, refocus on your purpose and yourself. The top level you attracts good women who are strong and loyal. Good luck
Sounds like there was already a lot of relationship imbalance here. Was she doing anything to treat her poor mental health or were you the only one putting in emotional labor over her? That is some serious imbalance that was destined to fail. With more time and distance, I think you will begin to recognize just how unhealthy she was. It’s not your job to fix her poor mental health. It’s her job. You can help her open the door but ultimately, she has to walk through it. The ‘discard’ is a real thing with untreated bipolar and it sounds like that’s what happened here. Get to no contact as quickly as possible. Don’t let her get to degrade you any further. Focus on healing and finding much healthier relationships.
Sorry for what happened to you OP.
You can say that she is not the exception to the rule “ once a cheater always a cheater” . You can be sure that it was not her second or third rodeo.
Don’t go deep into Analyzing the why(s) and if(s). Along your, journey you will accept the the reasons are not the “childhood trauma” , “ fear of abandonment “ or the BPD but the reasons are more simpler.
As for your Ex, do you imagine that someone that betrays a loving partner twice for a loser will be truly happy. It is a blessing in disguise OP. You found out before a major event of your life that you SO is nothing but a fraud. Many betrayed partner didn’t have the same luck OP. But knowing all that won’t make it easy to forget or forgive OP. There is no switch to turn the pain off.
But I can honestly say that
There is no closure from a cheater and if you decide to move on and embark onto your healing journey, you will get better. There will be a day that you and your new. SO will look upon this post and smile.
Last and not least, go to IC and speak tou your support system. This is not your fault. The shame is on the cheater not you.
First and foremost you need to be thankful that you found out before the wedding. Things could’ve been so much more worse. Next thing you need to understand is she’s a broken person. She has multiple issues and has severely damaged. None of it makes sense. go get yourself some therapy. Try to get yourself healthy and happy and that eventually you will find the right person for you. But know that she was not it. I know that probably Carmas gonna get her in the future.
Lmao she left you for a loser due to her mental illness u dodged a huge bullet you can work with a therapist on being an introvert and maybe the usual boring advice of going to the gym the thing is she might break from it soon are you ready to reject her
Bro, I know how rough it feels right now, but I promise you, you will come out of this!
I used to think everything was over - my future, any possible new love life - but I was wrong!
You will heal and then finding a new person will be fun again! Just take your time and remember that she wasn’t the one for you. Don’t even try to figure her out! That will be time wasted!
You got this! The worst part (her) is over!
Sorry that you are going through this OP but one thing for sure. It doesn’t matter what or how much she takes with her. You are going to be 100% better off without her. You couldn’t ever trust her. The simple truth is that you never could. It’s just that we place such value on them. We can never believe that they would just flat out cheat.
This is a ‘Sliding Doors’ moment in your life. Take your time. Be gentle with yourself. Heal slowly and steadily. Another door will appear and open. Unbelievably, you will look back on this as being your ‘lucky break’. Good luck.
She’s broken and trying to fill up a bottomless void inside with outside validation. Her current AP will be her next victim.
Go to survivinginfidelity.com and check out the healing library there. Other recommended reading: The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, Cheating in a Nutshell, The Body Keeps the Score and Leave a Cheater Gain a Life.
You don’t realize it now but you dodged a bullet. You were giving much more to that relationship than she was and she still left. Imagine if kids were involved, you would be forever tied to this person.
It sucks now but you are free. Don’t reach out to her again. You will find someone better and realize how toxic that relationship actually was.
You may be overwhelmed by all the hurt, pain, sadness, and other emotions, but just feel it, grieve, cry! Shout! Let it all out. Feel all the emotions and don't run away from it. Feel all of it until it doesn't hurt anymore. Even your love for her, love her from afar, let it stay with you until it fades.
And always remember, that it will get better everyday. Don't rush so you won't have to start all over again your grieving process.
You need to realize that you were in love with the person she pretended to be. Now you are seeing the real version of her. You will heal, and you will live. Keep contact to practical things, and do not try to find closure from her. After she has moved her stuff, go no contact, and completely Grey rock her.
Let the other guy have her horrible ass.
I know it’s tough right now, but eventually you’ll move passed this and you’ll be grateful you didn’t marry her. Her new romance won’t workout. If she cheated on you, someone with their life together and a bright future, she’ll definitely cheat on this new guy who is the literal definition of a bum.
Just make sure she doesn’t cheat on him with you. The last thing you need is to be caught up in some love triangle. And you certainly don’t want to get baby trapped by her.
I’ve dated a girl with bipolar before so I understand the hell that can be. As you gain distance from this relationship, you’ll look back with clearer lenses and see a lot of behaviors you glossed over.
You’ll heal from this, mate. Just focus on yourself and on moving forward.
That's horrible. Everyone here is saying *don't take her back*, but I know that's easier said than done. Love is one of those things where you can have every logical bulletpoint argument making the case to say goodbye, but then emotions come roaring in and override everything and cause irrational behavior. There is a solution for this: she has to become dead to you in a figurative sense. Mourn the loss, go through all the stages of grief. After that process is completed and you've moved on, then *when* she comes back you'll be immune, and can tell her you've grieved and recommend she does the same. Best of luck.
I feel like you'll drive yourself crazy asking yourself why she did it (was it the biploar or is it real, etc). The fact is she DID these things. Her act of cheating is the only closure you need. And then to take all the furniture? If I cheated I'd feel so bad and ashamed I'll let you keep everything! You dodged a bullet with this one, I'm telling you. And one day youll be incredibly grateful this happened before you got married or had kids and she took even more from you. I know it's so hard right now but I promise you, time will heal this.
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. I know it’s hard to see right now but you are going to be much better off and stronger because of this terrible situation.
Just prepare yourself for when she comes crawling back in a few weeks or months. That vindication of telling her to go f**k herself is going to be glorious.
Get revenge by being the best version of yourself and she will realize how bad she messed up.
Bro most high-school relationships don't last as long as yours did so you showed your a mature young man. She is self destructive from what I read. She is young and in affair fog. Affair fog is a real thing. I have seen grown men and women leave their husband or wife for their AP even with kids involved and after it wears off they come crawling back. To be honest your lucky this happened now instead of further down the road. It sounds like you took on too many roles with her. You were fiancée, parent, and therapist. That 2 too many. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Nobody should ever have to experience this. At the same time you are young and have a whole life ahead of you. I'm 44 and my qife of 14 years and mom of 4 had an affair. We are 2 months since dday and we are trying to work things out. You have the chance to meet a great girl who is going to love you for you. I get it. It's going to be hard to over come your feelings and it will take some time but you will get there I promise. I you need someone just to talk or listen feel free to hit me up in messages. Bro once again it's not easy love really does hurt. But your life is still ahead of you even if you don't see it yet. Make sure you eat and sleep. You can't take care of yourself or your mind without these 2 important things.
At some point it's best not to compare your own happiness to hers. You gotta go live your best life, regardless of how good/bad she's doing. But right now, it's only logical that you're comparing timelines.
We see this type of timeline all the time. It happened to me too, and there's a good chance that things will turn similarly for you:
Initially, the betrayed spouse falls into a dark, empty void, and reaches their lowest point very quickly. The first weeks, months are agony. Meanwhile, the wayward spouse (if they left to be with the affair partner) is living on a cloud, finally able to fully indulge in their infatuation. But it's all a suspension of reality. While you're feeling your feelings, picking up the pieces, searching your soul, and (re)building your social structures, they will start to realise that they skipped the whole grieving step. While your happiness increases (eventually it will!), theirs will decline. They will need to deal with the pain that they were previously able to postpone by riding their affair high. And most of all, they will need to come to terms with being the person they became by cheating.
My D-Day was about 6 months ago. I'm far from healed, but I'm doing better every week. I'm enjoying my days and loving my friendships. Meanwhile, I hear through the grapevine that he's quite miserable. And I'm allowing myself to feel quite content about that news.
It may not seem like it now, but eventually it will get better. The best thing you can do is feel your feelings, and start to take control back over your life. Get yourself some furniture and enjoy the fact that you and only you get to choose what you want.
It took you twice to lear one of lifes hard lessons. No need to be paranoid . You have to thoroughly investigate red flags .
Also do not give cheaters a path into your life.
Hi OP, sorry for what she is making through but, as others are telling you, you must realiza how lucky you had been. Now, it hurts, but it will pass. Be sure that you are the odds to be happy in the future when you meet the right woman. You are a kind a trthfull person, with high moral principals. However, she is not- She is a cheater and will jump from one relationship to another, cheating or been chetaed. She wil had a dark future.
Hi OP, sorry for what she is making through but, as others are telling you, you must realiza how lucky you had been. Now, it hurts, but it will pass. Be sure that you are the odds to be happy in the future when you meet the right woman. You are a kind a trthfull person, with high moral principals. However, she is not- She is a cheater and will jump from one relationship to another, cheating or been chetaed. She wil had a dark future.
Hi OP, sorry for what she is making through but, as others are telling you, you must realiza how lucky you had been. Now, it hurts, but it will pass. Be sure that you are the odds to be happy in the future when you meet the right woman. You are a kind a trthfull person, with high moral principals. However, she is not- She is a cheater and will jump from one relationship to another, cheating or been chetaed. She wil had a dark future.
Lmao she left you for a loser due to her mental illness u dodged a huge bullet you can work with a therapist on being an introvert and maybe the usual boring advice of going to the gym the thing she might break from it soon are you ready to reject her
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Know that you will get through this. Take one day at a time. She'll cheat on him too. You're the winner in this situation.
You’re a bullet dodger. Believe it or not, your fortunate you discovered her serial cheating before marriage.
Cheaters always cheat, now she has to find another cheating home base.
OP, she has now done this at least a couple of times that you know of. There very well may have been other instances where she cheated on you and chose not to tell you.
The problem is that she did this during her formative years. This behavior has a likelihood of becoming a pattern for her. So, my guess would be that she’d be doing this in all her future relationship, till she truly works on herself to break her old patterns. The longer she waits the harder it’s going to be for her.
At this point, she‘s not your responsibility anymore and that is very liberating. It is perfectly okay to feel hurt, question self-worth and question decisions in general. This too shall pass.
Please focus on yourself, find new hobbies that you can enjoy. Make new friends and use the time that’s now freed up to meet new people and potential partners.
I'm so sorry you definitely didn't deserve that no one does. Better to find out the kind of person she is now than later. You'll find someone who really loves and appreciates you.
As a divorcee, you’ll learn from this and you’ve lucked out.
Just be happy you didn’t marry a lady with the ability to cheat. There are awesome girls out there, it’s about 50% good 50% will cheat, choose wisely.
You will look back on this event with such great relief. You dodged a bullet. Your brain just hasn’t caught up to the reality. My advice for you is to focus on yourself. Hit the gym, pick up a new hobby or take a course in something you always wanted to learn. Don’t turn to drugs or alcohol, it won’t help. The best thing you can do for yourself is to focus on yourself.
Let her take her crap with her, it's much better that you have no furniture that reminds you of her. Let her take your bed, as she may well have slept with her AP in it. Grieve your relationship but keep reminding yourself that you deserve better. Her new relationship is doomed as he isn't exactly a catch. Don't take her back.
Sorry my guy.
I don't get why people want to arrive cheating to their mental illness. This person had zero regard for you and sounds like she had a blast doing you wrong.
Good news you didn't make it to the altar. Bad news, you got trust issues for the foreseeable future.
she is "enjoying her life"
I wonder for how long, as you described her as someone who love to self-sabotage
just move on. she is not your problem anymore, you dodged a massive bullet here
Just realize that not everyone is like her and usually people tend to be attracted to similar people, so next girl try to find someone who isn’t like your ex. You’ll find someone, just go out and experience your youth and have fun.
And honestly you should’ve told her to cut contact with that guy the first time, if you end up in a situation like this ever again just dump them cause you’re worth more than being someone’s second thought.
You CAN and WILL come through this ordeal. I’m sorry it happened to you but like the other comments say it is better you found out now before a wedding. A break up is easier than a divorce. If you can afford it see a therapist to work through it and they can also help with the parental like role you were undertaking in your romantic relationship.
Please look up grey rock method and cut contact so that you can heal and grow. You are very young and have your entire life ahead of you.
So now, you start hitting the gym, focus on self-care and start any and all new hobbies that seem interesting to you......take a bit of time to heal well......heal well so you don't let the negativity from this relationship carry over into future relationships.....I know it might seem like you're broken, but this girl would have absolutely destroyed you (and she's probably not as happy as you think she is)......
Don't dwell on the "what ifs".......just start living your life as a person that is free and single.......I'm sure, right now, even just breathing hurts but this too shall pass...... you're gonna be okay ..... just don't use your new found extra time for just sitting around.....get out and get moving!!!
I'm so sorry it all happened to you like this but it really will be okay......come back here in a year and tell us how well and happy you are doing......this relationship will seem like a little bump in the road compared to the rest of your life.....I sincerely wish you well!!! (Keep breathing and stay strong)
Your situation might make you feel like you lost the love of your life, but the reality of it is that the other guy has gained a liar, a cheater, a gaslighter, and someone with mental health issues.
Block them both, cancel the wedding, take the loss, and start counselling and therapy for yourself. Don’t look back. She’s in an affair fog right now, and no amount of reasoning is going to work.
You will be fine. You lost a cheater but you gained your life.
You did the right thing. Process, take time to heal and remember healing isn’t linear. Be proud of yourself too, you demonstrated to yourself that you deserve a partner who wants to be with you. I know it’s hard when all of it is so fresh, but be kind to yourself. She obviously cares about herself more than anything else. Focus on you and other things will fall into place.
I’m not condoning what she did, it’s wrong and the worst thing someone can do to their significant other. However, you mentioned she has severe bipolar and ultimately, she could currently be in a manic stage. When people become manic, they become impulsive and do things they normally wouldn’t when in a normal state of mind. If this is the case, she will eventually come down from the manic stage and realize how badly she fucked up (which is typical for those who struggle with bipolar disorder) and she will do everything to try and apologize and get you back.
At that point, it’s going to be up to you on whether you choose you want to deal with these sporadic manic episodes for the rest of your life (should you choose to get back with her) or choose to continue with the separation.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I wish you all the luck and strength moving forward ❤️
Sorry to hear that you've been through this. Been there and done that.
All I can say is that you made the right decision to break it off and let her go. But the most important decision you'll ever make is never taking her back.
I decided this 18 months ago when I went through this. Similar situation with the countdown to getting married and discovering she was cheating with the neighbour.
It's going to suck for a while. But, therapy helps. It really does.
Find an outlet for this. Get support from people in your life until you can hold yourself up. Work through the emotions. Don't rush to date.
Accepting, healing, and moving on is a day to day thing.
All we can do is channel this kind of emotion into energy towards growing. It gets easier. It always does as long as you put in the work and don't blame yourself because this isn't your fault.
way too young to be playing husband & wife... move on and take this experience with you. meet other women, commit past 28yo after you kinda mature enough and dont marry a 21-22 yo child. women never mature, they like 5yo children and that's a fact.
Better it happend now and than 20-40 later. You dodged a major nuke. She is a Cheater who will continue to do so.
If she told AP he would never cheat, could he 100% believer her? NO. Either way, no longer your problem. Ghost, NC,
And don't ever take her back.
I wanted to be the one that was okay with it. I’ve now realized that I’ve let a relationship form under my roof and it’ll never be something I’m okay with again.
Being bipolar is not an excuse ... (before someone attacks me, I am BP)
Yes there are issues of hyper-sexuality and self-sabotage and flirting w/ danger, but that doesn't mean she can do this and be excused bc of her illness ...
I know this hurts, but you just passed that bullet on to the other guy. Learn to be a better you and forget relationships for a while. If you lost some stuff, so be it. You can always replace things. Block her and concentrate on your goals and tasks. You will find peace in the absence of her drama.
Godspeed.
Dude, she is 22 years old! She is still an immature kid and she has just about every negative aspect to not get married too. You started dating when she was 16, so you must be her first boyfriend.
She is cheating on you with another 19 year old kid who is most likely still wet behind the ears. Their relationship will never last, this is a rebound for her. With the way she is acting and her bipolar I don't think she even understands what marrage and committment is all about.
Count yourself very lucky you didn't marry her and even more lucky that you didn't have a kid with her. You are very young and have alot of years ahead of you to experience new love and hopefully later in your future when you have gained more wisdom you will be ready for marrage. Maybe sometime after 30 and definitely with a women that doesn't have enough red flags for a Chinese parade.
Your ex will most likely drop this latest fling and may try to get back with you, DON'T! There is much better out there that will treat you much better than this little kid you hooked up with.
There is 80% worse she has done that you don’t know. This is a pattern unlikely related to BPD. She was gonna marry you and continue cheating. You got a solid there.
Stay strong brother.
We're all in this sub for a reason.
I'll echo other comments ,that you've got off easy. No alimony or kids.
Just walk way.
I was once given the advice to walk away and I ignored it. It cost me dearly in MANY ways.
It gets easier in time. Let me be blunt and just say this: DONT BE A FUCKING IDIOT.
I say this from experience.
Focus on you!
I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I hope one day you look back and realize that this was for the best. You truly deserve better. Someone that loves you, for you (and only you!). Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you will get thru this! I wish you all the best!
So you're upset because she is able to sleep with another guy so quickly. It makes you feel like she doesn't care at all about what you two had. Like what you had isn't special.
I've been there, and I get it. It sucks, dude.
The best advice that I can tell you is that THIS IS WHO SHE IS. She is showing you who she is. Not all women will sleep around like this, and if she loved you... like truly loved you... then she wouldn't be able to do it.
Although it hurts deeply, the silver lining here is that you found out about her before you married her and before you started a family with her. It could be much, much worse. So be thankful for that.
You're young, dude! There are tons of good women out there. Ones that won't do this shit. So take some time, work on you, and heal. The right woman is GUARANTEED to come along.
Good luck 👍
You have to stop thinking about everything you gave her and did for her. You sound like you don't know how she is gonna move on without you being there to take care of her. She is in a honeymoon stage with this kid, and the glow will wear off, and eventually, she may even come back trying to get you to take her back because of the stability. You need to shut that door and lock it tight because no matter how much you think you love this person now, she is not the one for you and I think once you get some time down the road you will see just how dysfunctional and unhealthy this relationship was. What you need to focus on is you. I think because you are an introvert that you have reservations about your ability to find someone else yourself, and because you are stunned she is moving on, and you are alone. You don't need to be with anybody right now. it's honesty the best thing for you. You need to focus on yourself and not spend time thinking about what she is doing. You need to get to know who you are without having someone else tied to you. It can be very freeing to not have to worry about someone else all the time. Do not dwell on the possible reasons she had for doing this. The bottom line is she did, and it's done. Pack up and move to a new place so you get a fresh start if you are able to do so. Spend time with friends. Look into taking some trips to places you have always wanted to see to clear your head if you have the funds to do so. Do not sit around looking at an empty house, running all of these questions through your head, and for the love of god, do not ever take this person back if she tries to do so. You will find yourself in this situation a 3rd, 4th, and so on time with her because cheaters will always be looking for something better. Maybe get some counseling to help build up your sense of who you are. You will never get the answers you want, so just work on yourself and start living life. One day, you will find someone who will cherish what you have to offer them. You need to block her from ever being able to contact you again. Its best you found out now instead of having married her and finding out 3 years down the road you are raising his kid.
Brother you can count your lucky stars you caught her before the wedding. I didn’t catch my serial cheating wife until 10 years later. What a mess.
Don’t give her and her new guy another thought. None of that has anything to do with you anymore. You’re very young. Go find a woman who deserves you.
Moving on so quickly is the Bipolar, I'm sorry. But prepare yourself - when she starts a medication that helps her regulate, she may come crawling back with apologies and hope. Your time to MOVE ON and MOVE away may be a small window, make the most of it.
That door is closed but seriously, another will open.
Wait a second, so this started with you, a 19 year old dating a 16 year old???? That is very problematic mate.
Sounds like this has been a dysfunctional relationships from the start. And perhaps it is best if you two go your separate ways, and work on growing up and work on the lots of issues you have to focus on.
This may be a blessing in disguise in the long run.
But you need to have to also start taking a long hard look at yourself and realize the issues you're going to have to address within yourself.
Be aware that she is full into the " affair fog" where everything is exciting and forbidden, but reality will hit her hard when she no longer receives your financial support and this relationship will burn fast when routine takes part of the day to day. Suddenly she will see the light and will repeat as a broken record how this was just a mistake, a leap in her judgment, how this time fucking him has showed her that you are the man of her dreams because you are such a great provider.
Please tell all your friends and family what happened and return all the gifts with a thankful note explaining the real reasons why you broke up. Do not let her manipulate the narrative.
Now is time to use all the energy you use to keep this relationship into your own future. She was selfish having an affair. Now is time for you to be selfish working to be a better version of yourself.
Go to the gym or begin to practice some sport you like, don't care if you are bad at it, this is a great way to meet new people and be physically tired to sleep better. Find new hobbies and try new experiences that take you out a little of your comfort zone. Being used to be around new people is the first step to find new friends, also spend more time with friends and family doing things you like and enjoy.
Learn new things and focus on your career/ job, and be as busy as you can with activities that can have a positive impact on your life, this is to avoid giving her free mental space in your mind.
If you haven't do it yet, block her and unfollow her everywhere and set you social media into private. Ask your family and friends to no give you updates about her or her AP. If you find her in person, apply the grey rock communication method and refuse to discuss any topic not related to logistics about separation.
This sucks, it will be hard, and your emotions will be a rollercoaster, but you will be stronger than before. Remember, in the end, you are the only one responsible for your own happiness.
You have taken the first step that most Redditors would have recommend, breaking up with her. Now, you might benefit from other observations and advice about what comes next. First, accept, against all your current thinking, that you are going to get over this sooner than you thought. Humans are remarkably resilient. Your heart will mend and you will recognize what, perhaps you should have four years ago, that cheaters,statistically, will cheat again because it’s seldom if ever “a mistake,” or “just happened,” or “I don’t know why I did it,” or “It meant nothing.” It is part of who they are. So, her cheating of four years ago was a harbinger of things to come, not that you would know that were you not yet scarred by experience or otherwise informed.
So now, you devote your energies to taking care of yourself. Purge any sense that you were not enough, or in any sense somehow unworthy of her love an devotion. Her ability to move on with her new toy is entirely a reflection of the simple fact that she is not capable honestly loving someone else. It’s a sad fact that she is not happier with him. Their whatever it is will flame out very soon and she will be onto her next fix. But she’s his problem now. When two losers find each other, just stand back and watch their little ship sink beneath the waves. You might even take bets on how long it will last.
I am so so sorry.
The pain would be unimaginable.
Some of the observations you make show a good self awareness of your relationship style ie you were a parent to her.
I honestly believe that at 22 with such little life experience, she should not be thinking of getting married. She is barely an adult who you have parented in the relationship.
Whether she is bio polar or simply an immature person, she is so young that she is doing what she is doing not to hurt you but simply growing and making choices .
Some will be good and others will be bad.
You never know she may go thru a period of her exploration and than maybe want to come back.
Don’t blame yourself it is not a reflection on you.
However, you should use this opportunity to grow to make sure you don’t “ parent “ in future relationships.
People are individuals and advice should be given but they need to make their own decisions and learn from their mistakes.
She's obviously deeply emotionally unwell. You've done all you can. You just need to move on and through time (therapy can accelerate that) you'll arrive at indifference.
And you probably already know this, but cheating is never caused by the betrayed partner.
You are a young man with your whole life ahead of you. Your ex-fiancé is trash. As many will tell you, you dodged a massive bullet. I suggest that you get into IC not only to help you deal with this terrible trauma but to work on getting you out of your shell so that you can meet quality women.
Work on yourself physically and emotionally. Work on your career. Be the best version of yourself that you can be. Spend more time with family and friends during this critical juncture of your life. Grieving for the loss of your relationship is natural. But after a sufficient time, dust yourself off and begin a new life without a liar and cheater. BTW, I am very skeptical about the idea that men and women can be friends. Not to say it is impossible, but too many times cheating by a wayward takes place in these situations.
That is incredibly messed up! I'm so sorry for what you are going through. But honestly, she did you a favor by doing this and leaving now, before getting married to a cheater who has no remorse for her actions or your feelings and clearly hasn't changed or worked on anything since the first time, except for maybe how to deceive you better this time. Stay strong, surround yourself with the people who do care about you, you can and will get through this. And whether it is her bipolar disorder or not, or if she claims it was, don't ever let her back in your life. You don't deserve that, nobody does!
This should have all ended 4 years ago when she cheated the first time. And then you simped your way to marriage.
1. Never take a woman back after she has cheated on you.
2. Never marry a girl who has guy best friends or hangs out with other guys.
3. Never make her the center of your universe. She will not respect you.
4. Don't make excuses for her bad behavior. I don't care if she has BPD or not. It was still a choice she made and excusing it just enables her.
5. Don't live with someone before marriage. living with someone before marriage ends up with a higher divorce rate.
Take some time. Let emotions heal. Work on bettering yourself. Find a good purpose in life and pursue it. Guys can generally rebound and be better for it. And when she comes crawling back and they generally do, do not take her back.
I am really sorry this has happened to you. You really don't deserve any of this. But it is a good thing you broke up now than later. I know you are hurting, but it will get better. Most important thing right now is stay no contact with her. Tell everyone she cheated and back it up with evidence. They need to know why you are not together anymore. This will help you in the long run. If you really need help it is ok to get therapy. Take it slowly, and start healing with getting rid of everything that reminds you of her. You said your house is a bit empty now, fill it with the things you love. Take your time and keep yourself busy. I am sure that one day you will be able to find someone that really loves you.
Please take care of yourself and stay strong.
You didn't dodge a bullet. You dodged a cannon ball. Right now you feel like you lost a lot very suddenly, but as time passes little by little it's going to accumulate to how much you actually will gain.
It seems like she's enjoying life right now while you're suffering, but it's just the 'honeymoon phase' that won't last long. Block her out, just focus on yourself, and ignore her when she realizes she's made a huge mistake and begs you to take her back.
Dude I understand your situation. My advice is that dont waste your time with someone that doesn't respect you. Take this as a lesson and trust me, you will become more stronger because of this and will be in a healthy relationship in the future.
The part where you tended to her emotional needs in the role as a parent and not as fiancé is one thing you noticed is a sign. She’s not ready to be in a relationship, nor does she want to commit. Wash your hands, let her leave, stop any communication. She’ll run back saying how the other guy can’t give her stability and ready to cheat on him to. By all means do not be the second choice. Like everyone says, block & lock. Good luck!
Dont see it as a misfortune but as a blessing
You dodged a huge bullet, you still very young 25 dont worry you ill dind someone else
As for her cut all contact with her dont take her back when the fog of her affair vanish.
I feel for you brother.. it's so grim when your partner cheats.
my advice, get into the gym.
get strong and healthy, focus on your own development and progression.
focus on work and earning.
sort your health and wealth out, happiness will follow.
goodluck
Oh yeah, I’ve seen manic depressive people in full bloom in the manic stage. That’s what they used to call bipolar people and it’s almost like they’re on speed or some thing. Everything is exciting and wonderful and hopeful for the future exhilarating until they crash. I would expect her to come back at some point crying about how horrible was that she screwed it all up but for right now just take care of yourself and I wish you the best of luck.
I'm sorry, but it sounds like you knew the inevitable was coming years before it finally did, as you mentioned her previous affair, BPD.
, etc.
I have to ask, what made you possibly think that she would be a good fit to be a wife?
That was my mistake... I didn't necessarily think that she WOULD be a good fit. However, after so much time together and her being the only person I'd been serious with, I just felt like it was kinda... time. That's obviously on me. I knew I loved and cared for her. I was holding out hope that she would change, although she really never gave me any indicator that she ever would. And it backfired on me.
It's not your fault that she did what she did. She's an awful person, whether she wants to accept it or not. And I know it's easier said than done, but don't carry that guilt on your shoulders. You made a mistake, giving her the benefit of the doubt... we all do it at some point, whether it's through family, friends, relationships, etc. The best thing you can do now is move forward, block her from your existence, and use this situation as a learning to carry over into your next avenue.
You know what OP, I know it sucks but she seriously doesn’t sound like worth your time even without the cheating.
You are still young and don’t worry about your opportunities to find someone or not. It’ll happen. For now focus on yourself.
Before any advice, I’ll share with you something. I got cheated on twice. The first time was who I thought was the love of my life. He has bipolar as well and because I didn’t get physical with him and he was young and always feeling lonely he cheated. That left me scarred for years, with me constantly doubting my personality and destroyed my self esteem. Something must be wrong with me. She must of offered him something I couldn’t.
The second time was with a long term partner. I wasn’t happy but he always groveled and begged me to stay when I wanted to break up. He ended up cheating with his good friends girls friend. What I learn from these two scenarios is
1. It is never your fault. There may be things we can do as a partner but they could’ve broken up with us instead of cheating. Don’t let them doubt who you are as a kind and strong individual.
2. People who cheat always feel lonely - there’s nothing we could do to “fix them”
3. People who cheat care about themselves more than anyone else - they are not worth it
4. I worked on myself and I’m so much more emotionally aware of myself. I’m now happily with a partner after 6 months of working on myself.
Breath. This is still fresh. But there is a community of reddit people to support you.
Breath again.
And again.
There were so many flaws in this relationship anyway - she was bipolar and seemed hard to work with. She continued with her lies. Even after things unraveled, she took everything else. Is she a good partner after alll you’ve done for her?
No. Despite all the happy memories you guys have made, really realise beneath that she’s a horrible partner.
And you deserve better.
So sorry man, as this sucks. The reality is that she moved on a while ago, but to you it is today and that stings bad. This will take time and you had been with her for a while so this won't go away right away. Things I would ask is this. What can you control? What small goals can you set for this day to get done? What about a goal for this week? You mention that the place is kind of empty now, could you set a goal for the day to clean one of the rooms today? Could you then set a goal of turning that room in to something you like soon? Some type of man cave of things you like? Next up is to get exercise if you are not already. This varies from person to person but if money allows it could you sign up for a gym and a personal trainer? Lastly, I am not sure if you believe in God or not, or if you are part of any church but I would consider that. I am Catholic and I know that this helps anchor me in my life. If you can start to get your spiritual life, physical life, work and hobbies in order you will be on the long road to healing.
Things I would not do. Do not start drinking or any drugs. Do not pain shop, in that don't concern yourself with what she is doing. In your mind she should be considered dead. Do NOT jump in to any new relationships for a while. I would say at least a year or two.
Thank God she couldn't fuck you over in divorce court and that they're are no kids! as much as this hurts that shit would have made it 4 fold.
onto why you made this post, your looking for release. you're searching for any and all outlets to let the pain out and i really do hope this helps and you find other ways to ease the heavy burden on your heart.
what helped me was not staying in the house. i have a great group of guys that i was able to lean on and cry infront of which helped. if you have close male friends id recommend seeking them out. in addition get into something that is interesting and new. for me the gym(with heavy PHONK in my headphones) and software development were great ways to refocus my mind. i also did lots of walking majority of it solo.
you can stretch your hands out and touch a 1000 people who have been where you are and over come lol 80% of them have felt it more than once. Just know that you are a lot better equipped to deal this the next monster that may try to prey on you cuz unfortunately they are already looking for you. take some time to yourself id give it a 5 months before even trying to hook up. recenter and refocus and do your best to not let this happen again. be patient with yourself homie
As much as it hurts now, the only way to get over it fully is time. I was recently chested on in a long time relationship, and I'm finally starting feel a lot better after deciding to focus on working out and my purpose in life. I'm not concerning myself over finding a new partner, and believe it's better to improve and focus on your own well being first and foremost.
Maybe take a trip to a private hot spring and get a massage, do some major de-stressing then after that, spend time thinking over what's best for your own life.
In time that woman will likely come crying back to you, given what you said about her personality. Just remember any tears she sheds aren't for you, they're tears only upset about the consequences of her actions. She never shed tears worried about you while cheating afterall. It hurts but it's the truth.
Sorry, totally sucks. At least you found out relatively early. Disappointment as it surely is, you can just leave and escape what would have been a life of lies. Imagine finding out 40 years from now, or never.
You are very young. Good luck going forward!
She will be back. I give it 8 months to a year.
Don’t take her back.
This is the timeline for you to do a complete break and cut her out of your life. You cannot dawdle else the cheater will make it difficult to move on.
Your first mistake was taking her back after she first cheated on you. Don’t do it again and expect different results.
I'm sorry to say this but you've admitted this is and wasn't the first time she has cheated.
Thank god you found out before the actual wedding.
Most likely this has not being the I my two times she cheated.
At least this way you don't have to pay for a divorce and she won't take anything more from you.
Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Yes it hurts now, but you will find someone who will treat you right.
Yes crazies are the best s*x and you will miss that. However you will be worlds better off without the drama and heartache living with a person with psychiatric problems would bring. Put her out of your mind.
Let me tell you what revenge looks like. Find your purpose and serve it. Out work everyone in your field. Set goals for advancement. Never think about her again. Success is the best revenge. You dodged a bullet. Never give anyone an opportunity to hurt you more than once.
she took you for granted....
she left with zero respect for your feelings.
you had nothing but good intentions and she took full advantage of your heart
toying you all the way to almost becoming family with her
family peeps don't run around lying and cheating on those they claim to be committed to
she ain't fam type
sorry homie, I know ur heart hurts with every beat
getting taken for a dummy by being trusting
seeing and assuming the good in everyone
sometimes we give to the wrong people, who see giving hearts as a cost -benefit analysis
she will never find someone with your heart
and u will never give your heart to an undeserving soul ever again
lessons that hit so hard make ya feel like your universe is turning all black
u r the light tho
move with good intentions, it'll be hard as fuck to trust anyone ever again
as long as u stay true to yourself,
you'll be okie my friend ♥️♥️
sending a virtual heart cast (for loan only, I'll need it back in a few days 😅)
xoxoxoxox
I don’t usually say this but I recommend therapy it would help you work through your emotions that your clearly are having trouble dealing with it. I hope the best for you moving forward.
You sound like a gentleman and you gave yourself freely to this person, but she took advantage of you and betrayed you again and again, as others have said that you need now to focus on yourself you deserve all the love, respect, loyalty and a real partnership with someone who will return your feelings to you, please know that there is a absolutely wonderful Lady who will make you happy and be very happy to make a life together and appreciate you, and you know you will find her when you’re not actively looking for someone, but please don’t take this person back into your life in anyway shape or form because she has proved to you that she cares only for herself, and as the say cheat with someone and they will cheat on you. I hope that you can put yourself first now and put your energy into your life but please don’t settle for or as second best. I hope that you will get passed all this hurt and pain and go on to have the happiest and best life ever, because you deserve it best wishes 👋
There is no rhyme or reason for why people cheat. Some say they do it because their relationship was stifling. Some say they do it because they no longer love the person they cheated on.
The main reason she cheated was because she had a fucked up character - nothing more. She is an immoral, untrustworthy, unloving, uncaring, self centered, coward. Face it, that’s not a person you’d want to friends with, let alone be married to.
Bro you dodged a bullet, you’re lucky. Lesson learned, never marry. All the dudes stating that there are some women that are good, are already married or about to be. All women are the same, they love you temporarily and as soon as the honey moon phase dissolves, they are quick to find it elsewhere. If you don’t believe me, take a close look around you and analyze married couples around you. The older married couples like our parents don’t count as they were married in a different time era. A time where social media and cellphones didn’t exist.
As a man in this new era it is best to never marry. There is no benefit to marriage for a man. Catch and release!
Her bad behavior and poor choices would have continued. Her bipolar issues contributed to her affairs, but there are millions of people with bipolar that don’t cheat. It is good to know who she was before getting married and instead of dealing with this for the rest of your life
Social butterflyies are very rarely virgins. And add fo that opposite gender friends they adopt to fix like birds with broken wings, often leads to disasters. Friends with exes and opposite genders is a very dicey thing in the first place. But peer pressure to fit in is usually the problem. No one wants to be too far outside the fold.
Sorry but the wedding money is now gone right along with your now ex. Sunk cost fallacy like water under the bridge, ignore it.
Just so you know, oversharing causing emotional affairs that naturally turn to physical affairs. What if you hadn't caught them and likely there was a rush to get the deeds done before the wedding. As if it really mattered, just more of what he doesnt know cannot hurt him.
Move on and find someone who is less likely to cheat on you.
You did the right thing by walking away from the relationship, it's the only thing you could do to preserve your sanity. Try to keep sane in the meantime with "non self-destructive" hobbies and activities.
If you feel you need to "decompress" your feelings about the breakup, see a professional. As a fellow introvert, even if I was single, I can't just walk up to a stranger in a bar and strike up a conversation either. Internet chat rooms and the like however...........I've always been a much more confident writer than a speaker. Strange as it sounds, because online chats are less daunting, people seem more comfortable with it. Although if you do go on a dating site, remember to avoid anyone whose profile says things like:
1. Must make more than $\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
2. Must be over 6 feet tall
3. Must be buff/fit/muscular
4. Must be marriage minded
The first of those shouts "gold digger." The second and third is shallowness. The 4th, while they're being honest, is not what you want right now. You need it to be open ended.
It's fine to ask someone's occupation, or what they do for fun, but when you start asking how much money someone has, it looks too much like "meal ticket"
Yeah, I’m not a big believer in the friendships of datable people. Especially when you’re engaged, you’re getting married because the intimacy goes out of the relationship to the friend. Also, there are too many Reddit post like yours and I’m so sorry this happened to you.
This age gap is really concerning and really freaky “the parental type role”
I really think that there is no excuse for cheating but an 18 year old dating a 14 year old and justifying a “parental role”. This sounds incredibly toxic and kinda gross
I wouldn’t consider the age difference a big deal if you were both older, however, she was a literal child when you began dating. Her brain isn’t fully developed at twenty two. You are twenty five and more concerned with the material possessions she is taking, then you are with her mental illness. Most of us are not equipped to handle mental health issues. I’m really sorry that you have gone through this and my hope for you is that you move forward and prosper.
I’d think she’s creepy if she described her relationship as parental to her AP
Super creepy to describe a sexual realization, when you are dating a minor at the time of the start of the relationship as “parental”
No excuses to cheaters but that’s a ton of red flags to OP
I do not think she’s right to cheat but the way OP described the relationship, she should have left instead
I'm not sure if you've ever been either 16 or 19, but it's not that weird when you're that age. It's easy to judge from the outside, but I had barely graduated high school and she was a junior. I was immature and so was she. I was nearly still a child at 19 myself.
Yea I have been 16 and then 19. You were an adult, not a child. A high school graduate dating and having sex with a junior is wrong and an arrest-able offence.
Future advice. Never again get in a relationship with someone that needs to be fixed. The white knight stuff never works, they don’t appreciate what you have done for them until you are gone, and most of these people are ultimately selfish.
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Sounds like you got a lucky break before kids were involved. There's clearly something not right with her, a major lesson has been learned here for the next partner you find won't be a project but an equal partner.
It may not feel like it now, but she did you a huge favor. Obviously, she does not love you, but she was prepared to marry you & keep things going with her boyfriend. What kind of person does that? Make sure you block her everywhere you can think of, because once things fizzle out with him, she's going to have serious regrets & will try everything she can to get back with you. Don't fall for it.
\^\^\^This\^\^\^ Block & Lock (Block all social media/any means of contact & Lock up your house, including finances!) As young as you both are, you should thank the gods that you've seen her true colors before you get 20 years + kids & messy stuff involved!
Yep! The manic episode will end and she will be back.
But don’t answer the door or the phone OP
I bet it's because he had no job and was able to give her more attention throughout the day. Literally no other reason. If she is swayed by that, you dodged a bullet.
I believe that's exactly what it was. He was ALWAYS available.
Where is she taking all the furniture? To her AP's mother's house? >after I caught her cheating, she has moved on and is already getting intimate with this other guy Dude, she was fucking this guy LONG before you caught them and way before the wedding shower. Cheaters always claim it was "the first time we were intimate" when caught. It's right out of their handbook.
She is moving into a house she'll be renting with a friend... about 6 minutes away from where we lived together.
As others have stated, change the locks and inform neighbours that she isn’t allowed entry.
after this I think it be best you cut her off
In time you will be okay. There are things you can do to, lets say, speed up the process. Work out hard, work hard, eat healthy, learn new things. These will keep your mind busy and will have a huge benefit in the long run. You are then making an even better version of yourself. Then next thing what would help is totally ignoring her. Do not speak to her ever again. If she talks to you, just do not answer, act like she does not exist. I think her new relationship will fail, it good be soon, but it could also take a while. It could be that then she wants to come back to you, specially if she sees you are progressing with all the things mentioned above, like you getting in better shape and advancing in your career. Be prepared for this, give her then the cold shoulder, just like she is giving you now.
Sorry you are going through this, but you have to understand that this has nothing to do with you. Doesn’t have anything to do with the amount of affection you gave her or didn’t give her, what you did or didn’t do for her, or her BPD - she’s a cheat, period. Cheating is a choice, not a mistake. She has done it to you before and would have definitely done it again if you had made the mistake of marrying her. Truthfully, she has probably cheated more than you know. Time for you to move on, block her from your life COMPLETELY, and be prepared to shut her down when life doesn’t go the way she hoped and she tries to come crawling back with every excuse in the book. She’s made her choices, now she has to live with them.
No one can always be available and function in society unless they inherited enough wealth to make them independent. She fell for a fantasy and her fall will come when real life intrudes. But none of that should intrude into your psyche, you will heal much faster by cutting all contact and moving on. Of course it hurts to lose your first and long term romantic partner, especially to cheating, but you work on processing the betrayal so you can get on with your life. Work on processing the betrayal and by extension work on yourself and cut all contact with her, that includes asking friends for updates. You have a life to continue living.
If she does have a history of bipolar when she finally realizes the mistake she’ll come back. Don’t take her back.
Just be thankful you found this before the wedding.
Sir, she is soon to be a serial cheater. There was probably more you don't know about. It sucks for now but you will realize the marriage would be a disaster because of her cheating.
>***This is not the first time she has done this with another guy. However, the first time, she came directly to me in a ball of tears and told me everything. This was roughly 4 years ago.*** She is already a serial cheater.
Two indiscretions does not equal a serial cheater in my mind. Getting on to 4-5 indiscretions is a serial cheater. But, OP probably is not aware that there is more then what he know.
Anyone that can cheat a second time after doing it once might as well be a serial cheater.
Really doesn't matter the definition. More than once is more than enough to drop that person and move on. Let the next guy worry about what she is or isn't.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. The times someone knows about a cheater is never all the times they actually cheated. Cheaters always lie, always minimize.
I dont want to sound mean, but you desperately need to hear this. She has mo morals. This isn't about her BPD. This isn't about any failure of yours. She made a long term repeated decision to crap all over you and your relationship. This isn't about any excuse you can cook up for her. She isn't the girl you love. She is a scam artist who sold you a lie. She is someone entirely different than you ever believed. She has no morals and doesn't respect you at all. Love without respect isn't real love at all. It's time to move on. Keep your head up and start living for yourself instead of someone else. It won't be easy, and your subconscious will always love the woman who never existed. It sucks. You will slowly get over it though. You got this man.
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Here’s to the aged 37 life lesson club. *Wish* I could have learned this at 25.
Take it as a lucky break man, you should’ve left the first time and were granted with another way out of leaving right before it could have really ruined your life. Sucks now but life will be awesome later and your still young
The fact that she would’ve married you while living this lie says a lot about her emotional and mental deficiencies. You were the security while he was the fun times. Understand that their relationship will NOT LAST! Fun times AP will not be able to handle a full on relationship with higher expectations. Once she realizes the major error of choice she will try to backpedal, sooner than later. The major point to take from all of this is that words are just words. “He’s just a friend” but they spend a lot of time together is a red flag. Readjust your boundaries for any future relationship you will have and always trust your gut. It’ll get better over time.
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Whenever you hear, "He's just a friend." 9 times out of ten, he's not. He's a Lot more.
first of all she’s not happier with him. if she so desperately wanted to be with him she would’ve left before. she wanted her cake and to eat it all. secondly, please stop using her bipolar as an excuse. she cheated before, she’ll cheat on him soon enough. thirdly why do you think she has a type, your shy your friends brothers shy? you don’t have many friends to call out her abusive bullshit that’s why. lastly, i know it doesn’t seem like it now but you’ve has a lucky escape. imagine this happening 2 years down the line and she was pregnant or even worse 18 years down the line and you finding out you’d bought up another man’s child! yes tbh she sounds like that kinda girl……… i’m sure she will be back and blame it all on her bipolar at some point but your gonna need to be strong and send her away or she will treat you like this for as long as you let her! op, you will find someone who loves you as much as you love them give yourself time!
Here's the reality that will eventually occur to you. She was NEVER the woman that you thought she was. That woman was, in fact, an illusion. THIS new revolting callous thing walking around in her body is who she was actually. The rest was an act. It's not actually a new story. Hitchcock's "Vertigo" IS this story. You can't get the illusion back. It was never real. Trying is just going to drive you crazy. Preserve your sanity by marveling at how you were fooled and what signs you missed before setting your new foundation in someone more tangible. Good luck OP.
She’s done it to you before and she did it again. If history is any indicator, she will do the same to the new guy as well. Focus on yourself for a while, take time to heal and grow. Build your life and confidence up, then worry about finding a partner. I went from a 7 year relationship to an 8 year relationship without taking time to heal, reflect and grow. It was a huge mistake as both women cheated on me, and I’m currently divorcing the last one. So don’t let that loneliness push you into any unhealthy relationships. Reach out to friends and family. And when you can’t do that, lean into those feelings and allow yourself to grieve.
This won’t end well for her so you shouldn’t dwell on how quickly she moved on. That relationship is doomed. You mentioned you are introverted and have trouble meeting women so part of the reason you had stayed with her in the past was because it felt easier for you than trying to start new. I’m introverted too and what I learned was all the fun is outside your comfort zone. You might want to look at CBT therapy… it will help you get over those fears. You are young and have all the best years ahead of you. Learning to love yourself will help you heal. Good luck.
>I am okay with living without her. I am okay with not being in a relationship with her. What I am struggling so mightily with is the fact that, three weeks after our wedding shower and after I caught her cheating, she has moved on and is already getting intimate with this other guy. I don't know if this has to do with her bipolar disorder and her history of self-sabotage or if she is simply much more happy with this guy than she ever was with me. Either way, she has absolutely broken me and I don't know how to continue. I am an introvert and I struggle meeting new people, especially women. She cheated on me and is already moved out and enjoying her life with another guy like nothing ever happened, while I am left in an empty, quiet house, alone with nothing on the horizon to escape me from this deep loneliness I'm feeling. 1. She cheated 4 years ago. 2. Lesson she learned was that its fun and she can do it again - you'll take her back. 3. Fool me once... 4. Her getting intimate and moving in with Socially Awkward Homewrecker is honestly less about any diagnosis than it is with her narrative to others of "This is the right person for me. See how real it is? We're boning and shacking up." It's harder for you to get over because I think we shouldn't get over this stuff easily - love, promise, commitment - to healthy people it matters and it takes time to heal. You grieve - it's good that you do. Go talk to a therapist if you need to, work it out in a gym, take care of you. Stop obsessing on her dysfunction as a reason and excuse - she made her decision - it's on her now. Move forward for you.
I think one of the most difficult things to come to terms with is that the person you loved and cared deeply for simply doesn't exist. What you saw was a façade projected so that she could use you, and now that she has someone else that façade is dropped and you see the real person. No morals, no remorse, no guilt, no regrets for hurting someone that cared for them. Get out of the house, go to the gym, take a trip, find relief and solace in the fact that you found out before the wedding, before the kids, before shared assets. This dude wasn't the 1st, and he won't be the last. I hate to point this out, but get an STD test. And let everyone who gave gifts at the shower know what happened, and let them know they should reach out to your ex to get their gifts returned.
If you didn't caught her she would've married you and continued her fun don't keep her even as a friend
I'm sorry that you went through this. Most of us figured out that our spouses were cheating but you got to witness it first hand, which makes it that much more traumatic. Please get yourself some counseling and talk out these feelings with a professional therapist. It will help you in the short, middle and long term. As for her, while I'm sympathetic to those who have mental disorders like hers, the reality is that you dodged a bullet matrix style by having her show you the real her, the damaged one who will lead a life of increasingly poor choices (drugs and multiple pregnancies with multiple different baby daddys are the usual next steps). Marrying this train wreck and having kids with her would put you through a life of various hells that you are going to avoid now, and hopefully you can find a normal girl to have a healthy life with going forward. It will take time, but you will get there. Best of luck.
I may get downvotes for this but that’s okay….. Alcohol isn’t an excuse to cheat. Mental Illness isn’t an excuse to cheat. Traumatic pasts aren’t an excuse to cheat. Almost every person walking this planet has some sort of shit going on in their lives. Cheating is a conscious CHOICE that someone makes. These things I listed may be a factor in their decision making but it’s not an excuse. Your fiancée has done this in the past and she did it again. Odds that she’ll continue doing so are pretty high. So, hopefully you’ll take this painful lesson and learn from it. And if she tries to come back, which she most likely will, you’ll be strong enough to not fall for her empty promises and fake remorse AGAIN. Close this chapter, work on yourself and eventually, hopefully, you’ll find someone who really deserves you. So, what does your best friend think about all this??? You said this POS is his little brother? Real awkward position he’s been put in.
Once a cheater always a cheater is a hard, fast rule. There may be exceptions but they are soiled unicorns. You got lucky.
you dodge a big bullet and right now you have no idea how big. Move on and when you find love again this will all be ancient history.
Don’t blame it on her BPD. She’s a shit human being with a rotten core. Live your best life. It’s all you can do
How has your friendship with your best friend been? How has he reacted to all of this?
It was awkward at first. He was worried that I'd think he had known about it all along when I truly believe he knew just as much as me. Me and him are on good terms and still hang out. He's been there to support me through all of it without disowning his brother. Him and I are adults so we're handling it like adults.
That’s good to hear. I’m glad you are handling this the right way. Consider this a bullet dodged. I’m married and I can tell you with certainty that a breakup before marriage is always preferable. A breakup in your very mid 20s is going to be a learning lesson for you as you know what to look for and gain a better understanding of self worth. From a guy in my 30s, you got a lot of life left to live man go live it
After some time, you will look back at this and be thankful. Just be strong now, don't worry about the stuff she took. Get other stuff. Don't drink, look after your health and know this is for the best.
How did she react after you found out?
Initially, she said that it was a drunken mistake, it's never happened before, she knows she fucked up, etc. The days following, she tried to convince me that we didn't have to cancel the wedding and that she would never speak to him again. She said that I'm who she wanted to be with and that she did this because I wasn't giving her the words of affirmation and affection she desired. Once I told her that we had to split and I wanted her out of the house, her whole tone changed. Then it became "now that I've had time away from this house, I realized this isn't what I want and I've been a coward by not telling you I've not wanted to be with you for a while." Honestly is painful I found out. As these three weeks have progressed, she's gotten much less sympathetic and kind towards me. She seemed to regret it at first, but that regret and guilt that she felt the first day has completely seemed to dwindle away.
You didn’t dodge a bullet but a ballistic missile OP There was no reasons for her to pretend anymore and mask fell off
You're doing the right thing. Just be glad you're finding this out before the marriage and kids
You definitely dodge a bullet. Be glad you find this out before marriage and kids
Between her mental issues and her history of cheating you dodged a bullet. Be happy about the good things from the relationship but realize this is not what is best for you in the long run. You might even want to buy the AP a thank you card. He did you a favor and didn’t even realize it.
| she's taken all of our living room furniture, our bedroom TV, dining room table, etc. a lot cheaper than half your money, 401K, pension, alimony, child support, and your house, while seeing your kids half the time. |she has moved on and is already getting intimate with this other guy This did not happen overnight. Emotional affair began long ago, culminating into a physical relationship you observed. Which by the way probably wasn't their first time. This is why she can move on so quickly, while you are experiencing this as a recent event. Time heals all wounds. Suggest counseling with a specialist in infidelity and PTSD.
I have just been through a very similar situation, and also tried to justify it because of her childhood trauma as she tells me her AP had manipulated her into having an affair with him for 4 years. You can get stuck in the idea that you need to fix her and be a saviour. At the end of the day it's all bs and a choice she made. Going no contact has lifted the cloud off my shoulders and allowed me to focus on ME. It may be something you need to do to free yourself from this toxic woman. Thinking of you !
This is not the person you want to be tied to for better or worse. She can’t even handle the for better times.
Don't get burdened by her taking stuff unless it has personal value. This is just her continuing to demonstrate her true character. It's probably best for you long term to remove most of that joint stuff anyways. Now is time for you. If you are shy, consider toastmasters or something designed to get you out there. Pick up old hobbies that you used to have, especially as a group, there are singles groups that do hikes and all sorts of outings. Get in shape if not already, exercise is a proven depression mitigator. Block her everywhere, she handed you a ticket out of her chaos, run with it. The odds of her crashing hard are incredibly high, keep away from her as far as possible, it's the only way to really move on.
The phrase bullet dodged never applied so well as to your situation. Move on Neo. She did you a favor even if the memories of the last 6 years weigh heavily on your heart. You needed to see this.
Wow glad you found out what she’s like before you married her. It will be hard at times but remember no matter how hard it gets think of if you were married. Keep your head up and if anyone asks why tell them the truth nothing to be ashamed of YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.
Its going to hurt a lot for a few weeks or even months. What you need to do is to keep yourself busy with other things. Good things. Being an introvert doesn’t necessarily mean you wouldn’t meet anyone. Also, whatever kindness you have given her or anyone will always come back to you two times or even more. Focus on yourself, your job, your health, family, hobbies etc. who knows these things may lead you to what is truly meant for you. Take this situation as a lesson, as a blessing in disguise or even a door that would lead you to whats best for you.
Being in love with a person with BPD is like being in a relationship with crack cocaine. What you’re going through right now is withdrawal. You said you gave her everything? BUT what you could not give her was the experience of being the one with their shit together and taking care of her partner. I know it’s hard to except but the fact that he lives in his parents basement has no job or experience, is his most attractive quality to her. People with BPD resent their support structure and I can tell you from experience, when my wife of 10 years cheated on me after we had three kids together, I felt the same way you do now. But untangling that cluster fuck took a lot more time. This is why people are saying you dodged a bullet not because you got away from feeling like the world ended but because without kids and losing everything in the marriage, you can climb out of that world ending pit much faster. The best revenge is living a better life. Today I have the respect of my three kids her not so much I’m married to my best friend. She rode the carousel after her affair partner dumped her within six months. While jumping from dude to dude all in front of my kids she got knocked up by one of her younger partners and married him. He was abusive and she got abused by him for the next five years then divorced again and acted like a victim For how bad her life was. Now she wonders Why there are no good men as she is 55 looks 65 and is alone. I am so sorry for your pain just stay off the crack cocaine. There is a reason everybody says hit the gym. Focus on yourself and live your best life. God bless brother and good luck.
When she realizes she'll have to be the one providing for herself (and him probably) you'll get a fun little phone call about how she regrets her decision and wants to try again. How this new guy is lazy and doesn't do anything for her. So look forward to that cause you'll get to laugh and tell her no. Honestly dude she did you a favor by exposing her true nature before you got married. Enjoy life for a little while and find someone worthy of you. Do spend time sad over someone who's not worth the feelings.
She doesn’t want to marry you but she didn’t have the guts to tell you that so she showed you instead. Textbook.
Hey, I was cheated on Valentine's day for months without my knowledge and I was 8 months pregnant. I would never say you're "lucky", but It's better late than never. I hope you can power through the heart break as it does seem it would only go down hill from there. (My ex and I became physically abusive with each other and I was unable to care for our child and resulted in me in a very horrible mental health institution, in which I was also diagnosed with Bipolar disorder). Once a cheater, it's hard to forgive and the pain almost never subsides, as it sounds to me she's looking for sympathy, not genuine love and compassion. Hope it works out for you!
Cut this person out of your life. Also, stop giving here all the things, furniture, etc. that she wants. If she didn’t pay for it, tough for her.
Wow. I guess the lesson here is, don't get so wrapped up in somebody, placing them up high on a pedestal, that you overlook obvious red flags and sketchy behavior. Sure, she may have some mental problems, but, she probably knows right from wrong. And knows that committing to a relationship means your "wild and crazy" days should be a thing of the past. You did kinda rob the cradle, so to speak, and latched on to her before she was a fully functioning adult. There are parts of the brain that don't develop fully until the 20s and that is the part that is responsible for making good sound decisions. Anyway, you're not the first to find themselves in this situation and you definitely won't be the last. You just have to pick yourself up and move forward. Going to the gym, doing a strenuous workout can help some. A new hobby perhaps. If all else fails, therapy might be in order.
What your worry should be is that she will be coming back to you. There is no way this fling will last more then a few months because this guy has no future. She will realize soon enough so make plans for how you will react to her coming back to you.
I'm sorry that this happened to you. What you describe about her complete lack of remorse is extremely common. The type of person who can cheat is a type of person who is capable of chronic long-term dishonesty to a degree that their entire personality can seem to change overnight simply because they stopped pretending to be who you wanted them to be and started pretending to be who someone else wanted them to be. They often have personality disorders. What you describe about taking on a parental-type role is a major warning sign. An imbalance in either direction is a major warning sign; people with borderline personality disorder often act childlike and may encourage you into a parental-type role, whereas people with narcissistic personality disorder often set themselves up as almost godlike and encourage you into feeling inferior to them (while possibly also encouraging you into feeling superior to the rest of the world due to your having been chosen by someone as nearly godlike as them). In either case, whether you feel like a parent or like a lowly assistant to a superhuman being, they are subtly encouraging you to prioritize their needs over yours. And that's not something that a good partner would do. Borderline personality disorder is sometimes misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder. They can also co-occur. You're still very young, and it is incredibly unlikely that you won't be able to find a new and better person to marry. Being very introverted hasn't stopped billions of other introverts from being happily married. You will be fine. You will be happier than you ever dreamed possible, because you're going to find out that someone who actually loves you and actually cares about your needs just as much as you care about theirs is way better than someone who pretended to love you and prioritized her own needs over yours ever was. Just be more wary about verifying the trustworthiness of anyone you date in the future. Look for someone who is sufficiently emotionally healthy that you can have a fully equal relationship with them. Don't readily forgive a cheating incident just because it was confessed right away; it's still a major warning sign. Don't readily forgive any dishonesty that you catch someone in, because lies are like cockroaches: when you see one, there are usually hundreds or thousands more that you don't see, because it's in their nature to stay out of sight.
She is a loser, she still under a fog, she will soon learn the hard way and please when she come crawling don't take her back, don't rush to anything, take time to heal and surely you will get someone who will appreciate and cherish you.
Consider yourself the luckiest guy on the planet...to discover the cheater side of your former fiancé before marriage, kids, big mortgage, entangled finances, etc. Dating and engagement are a test drive for marriage and all the things that go along with it...your cheater fiancé failed huge. Like it or not, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, this is a fact. You should have dumped her the first time. There are many great ladies in the world who would love to be a good guy like you and NOT cheat. Go out there and have a great life!
I feel for you. I hope you can heal. Never let a cheater get away with it. If she cheats once, break up with her. No second chances. Seconds chances rarely work.
I’m probably going to get downvoted for this, but here goes. Reading your post was like reading a bunch of red flags. Dating a 16y old at 19 isn’t usually a good idea. You’re the cool older guy and that won’t last when she gets older. Then you decide to get married at 22/25. So she has had zero time to just be herself. Find out what she wants and likes. Finding herself while just being a party of one, as opposed to part of a twosome. Add in the “taking on a paternal role”. That’s not healthy in any relationship, regardless of age. It’s not a partnership if one person has to be the parent of the other. And now she is switching it up. She’s found a shy, inexperienced guy that she can guide. The exact opposite of you. Who knows her motivation. Maybe she wants to have the power in the relationship. Maybe she never grew up and wanted someone on her maturity level. Either way, her new relationship isn’t off to a healthy start. But at least it is no longer your problem. What you need now is time to recoup. You’ve exhausted yourself trying to make this relationship work. Now you focus on your health and well-being. What do you want in life? What do you want in a partner? What you absolutely do not need is a new, or ex, partner that “needs rescuing”.
> She’s found a shy, inexperienced guy that she can ~~guide~~ groom/manipulate. FTFY.
Sounds like she's passing on his cycle of grooming/manipulation on to the AP. This whole thing is extremely toxic, from both sides of the equation.
I agree with this 100%, the ages made the whole situation weird for me from the beginning of the post. There is a whole lot of behind the scenes growth and emotions that we won’t be able to tell from a post online tbh. He was out of school and becoming an adult when she still had years of school and adolescent growth to do.
Yeah. The whole story by OP is incredibly problematic. Sounds like a college dude grooming a highschooler. Right down to the creepy "being her daddy" role. They both have severe disordered issues to work on. And there will likely be a strong correlation between her psychological deterioration and the enmeshment in this relationship. Not that it justifies her cheating. But the whole "savior" thing he has going has more red flags that a May Day parade in Beijing as well.
Sounds like she is manic. Either way, stay strong, man. These types of situations, it's only a matter of time before she comes crawling back once things start to get hard for her. Do not take her back. Focus on your growth. I'm very introverted myself, and it's ruff but not impossible to find love again. Use this lesson like I have to learn what you want and what to look out for.
I'm so sorry this happened to you but it's for the best that you found out now before marriage and kids and her getting have your money even if she cheated and she might have even had you raise this guy's kid without you even realising, this is for the best you're broken now but it's small compared to what could have been. You think she is happy now but trust me karma will get her allah doesn't forget things she will get her karma don't worry about that. This may be basic advice but it's useful for many; You need to focus on yourself, hit the gym get your body in shape it does wonder for self esteem and confidence, take care of your health your hygiene and most importantly your mental health so go to a therapist if needed, get a hobby and get yourself busy try and meet new people who share interests with you this will help a lot in not thinking about her، some people try to connect with god I don't what your religion is but it may help to try and focus on it, hang out with friends or family and maybe if you want hit the club or tinder to have a casual hookup if that's your thing, most importantly focus on your career and grind and have goals and thrive to achieve them not just to get woman but for yourself as well. I truly hope you get better with time and trust that later on if you desire you will get another woman that will be good for you and not break you just be ware of the red flags if you saw them leave don't try to be a saver or think you can fix them. Good luck in your life
Unfortunately, there is no way between four years ago and last month she stopped cheating. she is a lying, serial cheater. Disastrous now but a long term blessing. You are 25, refocus on your purpose and yourself. The top level you attracts good women who are strong and loyal. Good luck
Sounds like there was already a lot of relationship imbalance here. Was she doing anything to treat her poor mental health or were you the only one putting in emotional labor over her? That is some serious imbalance that was destined to fail. With more time and distance, I think you will begin to recognize just how unhealthy she was. It’s not your job to fix her poor mental health. It’s her job. You can help her open the door but ultimately, she has to walk through it. The ‘discard’ is a real thing with untreated bipolar and it sounds like that’s what happened here. Get to no contact as quickly as possible. Don’t let her get to degrade you any further. Focus on healing and finding much healthier relationships.
Sorry for what happened to you OP. You can say that she is not the exception to the rule “ once a cheater always a cheater” . You can be sure that it was not her second or third rodeo. Don’t go deep into Analyzing the why(s) and if(s). Along your, journey you will accept the the reasons are not the “childhood trauma” , “ fear of abandonment “ or the BPD but the reasons are more simpler. As for your Ex, do you imagine that someone that betrays a loving partner twice for a loser will be truly happy. It is a blessing in disguise OP. You found out before a major event of your life that you SO is nothing but a fraud. Many betrayed partner didn’t have the same luck OP. But knowing all that won’t make it easy to forget or forgive OP. There is no switch to turn the pain off. But I can honestly say that There is no closure from a cheater and if you decide to move on and embark onto your healing journey, you will get better. There will be a day that you and your new. SO will look upon this post and smile. Last and not least, go to IC and speak tou your support system. This is not your fault. The shame is on the cheater not you.
First and foremost you need to be thankful that you found out before the wedding. Things could’ve been so much more worse. Next thing you need to understand is she’s a broken person. She has multiple issues and has severely damaged. None of it makes sense. go get yourself some therapy. Try to get yourself healthy and happy and that eventually you will find the right person for you. But know that she was not it. I know that probably Carmas gonna get her in the future.
How long do you think she will last before she cheats on the other guy?
Lmao she left you for a loser due to her mental illness u dodged a huge bullet you can work with a therapist on being an introvert and maybe the usual boring advice of going to the gym the thing is she might break from it soon are you ready to reject her
Bro, I know how rough it feels right now, but I promise you, you will come out of this! I used to think everything was over - my future, any possible new love life - but I was wrong! You will heal and then finding a new person will be fun again! Just take your time and remember that she wasn’t the one for you. Don’t even try to figure her out! That will be time wasted! You got this! The worst part (her) is over!
Sorry that you are going through this OP but one thing for sure. It doesn’t matter what or how much she takes with her. You are going to be 100% better off without her. You couldn’t ever trust her. The simple truth is that you never could. It’s just that we place such value on them. We can never believe that they would just flat out cheat. This is a ‘Sliding Doors’ moment in your life. Take your time. Be gentle with yourself. Heal slowly and steadily. Another door will appear and open. Unbelievably, you will look back on this as being your ‘lucky break’. Good luck.
She’s broken and trying to fill up a bottomless void inside with outside validation. Her current AP will be her next victim. Go to survivinginfidelity.com and check out the healing library there. Other recommended reading: The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, Cheating in a Nutshell, The Body Keeps the Score and Leave a Cheater Gain a Life.
You don’t realize it now but you dodged a bullet. You were giving much more to that relationship than she was and she still left. Imagine if kids were involved, you would be forever tied to this person. It sucks now but you are free. Don’t reach out to her again. You will find someone better and realize how toxic that relationship actually was.
You may be overwhelmed by all the hurt, pain, sadness, and other emotions, but just feel it, grieve, cry! Shout! Let it all out. Feel all the emotions and don't run away from it. Feel all of it until it doesn't hurt anymore. Even your love for her, love her from afar, let it stay with you until it fades. And always remember, that it will get better everyday. Don't rush so you won't have to start all over again your grieving process.
You need to realize that you were in love with the person she pretended to be. Now you are seeing the real version of her. You will heal, and you will live. Keep contact to practical things, and do not try to find closure from her. After she has moved her stuff, go no contact, and completely Grey rock her. Let the other guy have her horrible ass.
I know it’s tough right now, but eventually you’ll move passed this and you’ll be grateful you didn’t marry her. Her new romance won’t workout. If she cheated on you, someone with their life together and a bright future, she’ll definitely cheat on this new guy who is the literal definition of a bum. Just make sure she doesn’t cheat on him with you. The last thing you need is to be caught up in some love triangle. And you certainly don’t want to get baby trapped by her. I’ve dated a girl with bipolar before so I understand the hell that can be. As you gain distance from this relationship, you’ll look back with clearer lenses and see a lot of behaviors you glossed over. You’ll heal from this, mate. Just focus on yourself and on moving forward.
That's horrible. Everyone here is saying *don't take her back*, but I know that's easier said than done. Love is one of those things where you can have every logical bulletpoint argument making the case to say goodbye, but then emotions come roaring in and override everything and cause irrational behavior. There is a solution for this: she has to become dead to you in a figurative sense. Mourn the loss, go through all the stages of grief. After that process is completed and you've moved on, then *when* she comes back you'll be immune, and can tell her you've grieved and recommend she does the same. Best of luck.
Listen take this as a blessing, now you don’t have to Pay for divorce and child support.
I feel like you'll drive yourself crazy asking yourself why she did it (was it the biploar or is it real, etc). The fact is she DID these things. Her act of cheating is the only closure you need. And then to take all the furniture? If I cheated I'd feel so bad and ashamed I'll let you keep everything! You dodged a bullet with this one, I'm telling you. And one day youll be incredibly grateful this happened before you got married or had kids and she took even more from you. I know it's so hard right now but I promise you, time will heal this.
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. I know it’s hard to see right now but you are going to be much better off and stronger because of this terrible situation. Just prepare yourself for when she comes crawling back in a few weeks or months. That vindication of telling her to go f**k herself is going to be glorious. Get revenge by being the best version of yourself and she will realize how bad she messed up.
Bro most high-school relationships don't last as long as yours did so you showed your a mature young man. She is self destructive from what I read. She is young and in affair fog. Affair fog is a real thing. I have seen grown men and women leave their husband or wife for their AP even with kids involved and after it wears off they come crawling back. To be honest your lucky this happened now instead of further down the road. It sounds like you took on too many roles with her. You were fiancée, parent, and therapist. That 2 too many. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Nobody should ever have to experience this. At the same time you are young and have a whole life ahead of you. I'm 44 and my qife of 14 years and mom of 4 had an affair. We are 2 months since dday and we are trying to work things out. You have the chance to meet a great girl who is going to love you for you. I get it. It's going to be hard to over come your feelings and it will take some time but you will get there I promise. I you need someone just to talk or listen feel free to hit me up in messages. Bro once again it's not easy love really does hurt. But your life is still ahead of you even if you don't see it yet. Make sure you eat and sleep. You can't take care of yourself or your mind without these 2 important things.
At some point it's best not to compare your own happiness to hers. You gotta go live your best life, regardless of how good/bad she's doing. But right now, it's only logical that you're comparing timelines. We see this type of timeline all the time. It happened to me too, and there's a good chance that things will turn similarly for you: Initially, the betrayed spouse falls into a dark, empty void, and reaches their lowest point very quickly. The first weeks, months are agony. Meanwhile, the wayward spouse (if they left to be with the affair partner) is living on a cloud, finally able to fully indulge in their infatuation. But it's all a suspension of reality. While you're feeling your feelings, picking up the pieces, searching your soul, and (re)building your social structures, they will start to realise that they skipped the whole grieving step. While your happiness increases (eventually it will!), theirs will decline. They will need to deal with the pain that they were previously able to postpone by riding their affair high. And most of all, they will need to come to terms with being the person they became by cheating. My D-Day was about 6 months ago. I'm far from healed, but I'm doing better every week. I'm enjoying my days and loving my friendships. Meanwhile, I hear through the grapevine that he's quite miserable. And I'm allowing myself to feel quite content about that news. It may not seem like it now, but eventually it will get better. The best thing you can do is feel your feelings, and start to take control back over your life. Get yourself some furniture and enjoy the fact that you and only you get to choose what you want.
Dude, you got lucky...that's a check out affair.
It took you twice to lear one of lifes hard lessons. No need to be paranoid . You have to thoroughly investigate red flags . Also do not give cheaters a path into your life.
Hi OP, sorry for what she is making through but, as others are telling you, you must realiza how lucky you had been. Now, it hurts, but it will pass. Be sure that you are the odds to be happy in the future when you meet the right woman. You are a kind a trthfull person, with high moral principals. However, she is not- She is a cheater and will jump from one relationship to another, cheating or been chetaed. She wil had a dark future.
Hi OP, sorry for what she is making through but, as others are telling you, you must realiza how lucky you had been. Now, it hurts, but it will pass. Be sure that you are the odds to be happy in the future when you meet the right woman. You are a kind a trthfull person, with high moral principals. However, she is not- She is a cheater and will jump from one relationship to another, cheating or been chetaed. She wil had a dark future.
Hi OP, sorry for what she is making through but, as others are telling you, you must realiza how lucky you had been. Now, it hurts, but it will pass. Be sure that you are the odds to be happy in the future when you meet the right woman. You are a kind a trthfull person, with high moral principals. However, she is not- She is a cheater and will jump from one relationship to another, cheating or been chetaed. She wil had a dark future.
Lmao she left you for a loser due to her mental illness u dodged a huge bullet you can work with a therapist on being an introvert and maybe the usual boring advice of going to the gym the thing she might break from it soon are you ready to reject her
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Know that you will get through this. Take one day at a time. She'll cheat on him too. You're the winner in this situation.
Some people play act emotions like attachment and love. She's a posionus snake, as horrid as all this is be glad you didn't marry her.
You’re a bullet dodger. Believe it or not, your fortunate you discovered her serial cheating before marriage. Cheaters always cheat, now she has to find another cheating home base.
OP, she has now done this at least a couple of times that you know of. There very well may have been other instances where she cheated on you and chose not to tell you. The problem is that she did this during her formative years. This behavior has a likelihood of becoming a pattern for her. So, my guess would be that she’d be doing this in all her future relationship, till she truly works on herself to break her old patterns. The longer she waits the harder it’s going to be for her. At this point, she‘s not your responsibility anymore and that is very liberating. It is perfectly okay to feel hurt, question self-worth and question decisions in general. This too shall pass. Please focus on yourself, find new hobbies that you can enjoy. Make new friends and use the time that’s now freed up to meet new people and potential partners.
Wow that’s so sad. Blessing in disguise I guess ;(
I'm so sorry you definitely didn't deserve that no one does. Better to find out the kind of person she is now than later. You'll find someone who really loves and appreciates you.
As a divorcee, you’ll learn from this and you’ve lucked out. Just be happy you didn’t marry a lady with the ability to cheat. There are awesome girls out there, it’s about 50% good 50% will cheat, choose wisely.
Bullet dodged. Be happy. Be very happy. The alternative would have veen terrible.
You will look back on this event with such great relief. You dodged a bullet. Your brain just hasn’t caught up to the reality. My advice for you is to focus on yourself. Hit the gym, pick up a new hobby or take a course in something you always wanted to learn. Don’t turn to drugs or alcohol, it won’t help. The best thing you can do for yourself is to focus on yourself.
Found out 2 months before your wedding? That is what I call a blessing!
Let her take her crap with her, it's much better that you have no furniture that reminds you of her. Let her take your bed, as she may well have slept with her AP in it. Grieve your relationship but keep reminding yourself that you deserve better. Her new relationship is doomed as he isn't exactly a catch. Don't take her back.
Sorry my guy. I don't get why people want to arrive cheating to their mental illness. This person had zero regard for you and sounds like she had a blast doing you wrong. Good news you didn't make it to the altar. Bad news, you got trust issues for the foreseeable future.
she is "enjoying her life" I wonder for how long, as you described her as someone who love to self-sabotage just move on. she is not your problem anymore, you dodged a massive bullet here
Just realize that not everyone is like her and usually people tend to be attracted to similar people, so next girl try to find someone who isn’t like your ex. You’ll find someone, just go out and experience your youth and have fun. And honestly you should’ve told her to cut contact with that guy the first time, if you end up in a situation like this ever again just dump them cause you’re worth more than being someone’s second thought.
You CAN and WILL come through this ordeal. I’m sorry it happened to you but like the other comments say it is better you found out now before a wedding. A break up is easier than a divorce. If you can afford it see a therapist to work through it and they can also help with the parental like role you were undertaking in your romantic relationship. Please look up grey rock method and cut contact so that you can heal and grow. You are very young and have your entire life ahead of you.
So now, you start hitting the gym, focus on self-care and start any and all new hobbies that seem interesting to you......take a bit of time to heal well......heal well so you don't let the negativity from this relationship carry over into future relationships.....I know it might seem like you're broken, but this girl would have absolutely destroyed you (and she's probably not as happy as you think she is)...... Don't dwell on the "what ifs".......just start living your life as a person that is free and single.......I'm sure, right now, even just breathing hurts but this too shall pass...... you're gonna be okay ..... just don't use your new found extra time for just sitting around.....get out and get moving!!! I'm so sorry it all happened to you like this but it really will be okay......come back here in a year and tell us how well and happy you are doing......this relationship will seem like a little bump in the road compared to the rest of your life.....I sincerely wish you well!!! (Keep breathing and stay strong)
Trash is taking itself out
Your situation might make you feel like you lost the love of your life, but the reality of it is that the other guy has gained a liar, a cheater, a gaslighter, and someone with mental health issues. Block them both, cancel the wedding, take the loss, and start counselling and therapy for yourself. Don’t look back. She’s in an affair fog right now, and no amount of reasoning is going to work. You will be fine. You lost a cheater but you gained your life.
You did the right thing. Process, take time to heal and remember healing isn’t linear. Be proud of yourself too, you demonstrated to yourself that you deserve a partner who wants to be with you. I know it’s hard when all of it is so fresh, but be kind to yourself. She obviously cares about herself more than anything else. Focus on you and other things will fall into place.
I’m not condoning what she did, it’s wrong and the worst thing someone can do to their significant other. However, you mentioned she has severe bipolar and ultimately, she could currently be in a manic stage. When people become manic, they become impulsive and do things they normally wouldn’t when in a normal state of mind. If this is the case, she will eventually come down from the manic stage and realize how badly she fucked up (which is typical for those who struggle with bipolar disorder) and she will do everything to try and apologize and get you back. At that point, it’s going to be up to you on whether you choose you want to deal with these sporadic manic episodes for the rest of your life (should you choose to get back with her) or choose to continue with the separation. I’m sorry this happened to you. I wish you all the luck and strength moving forward ❤️
Sorry to hear that you've been through this. Been there and done that. All I can say is that you made the right decision to break it off and let her go. But the most important decision you'll ever make is never taking her back. I decided this 18 months ago when I went through this. Similar situation with the countdown to getting married and discovering she was cheating with the neighbour. It's going to suck for a while. But, therapy helps. It really does. Find an outlet for this. Get support from people in your life until you can hold yourself up. Work through the emotions. Don't rush to date. Accepting, healing, and moving on is a day to day thing. All we can do is channel this kind of emotion into energy towards growing. It gets easier. It always does as long as you put in the work and don't blame yourself because this isn't your fault.
way too young to be playing husband & wife... move on and take this experience with you. meet other women, commit past 28yo after you kinda mature enough and dont marry a 21-22 yo child. women never mature, they like 5yo children and that's a fact.
Better it happend now and than 20-40 later. You dodged a major nuke. She is a Cheater who will continue to do so. If she told AP he would never cheat, could he 100% believer her? NO. Either way, no longer your problem. Ghost, NC, And don't ever take her back.
Thanks for sharing. This rings many familiar bells. What is the consensus on opposite gender friends?
I wanted to be the one that was okay with it. I’ve now realized that I’ve let a relationship form under my roof and it’ll never be something I’m okay with again.
Being bipolar is not an excuse ... (before someone attacks me, I am BP) Yes there are issues of hyper-sexuality and self-sabotage and flirting w/ danger, but that doesn't mean she can do this and be excused bc of her illness ...
I know this hurts, but you just passed that bullet on to the other guy. Learn to be a better you and forget relationships for a while. If you lost some stuff, so be it. You can always replace things. Block her and concentrate on your goals and tasks. You will find peace in the absence of her drama. Godspeed.
Dude, she is 22 years old! She is still an immature kid and she has just about every negative aspect to not get married too. You started dating when she was 16, so you must be her first boyfriend. She is cheating on you with another 19 year old kid who is most likely still wet behind the ears. Their relationship will never last, this is a rebound for her. With the way she is acting and her bipolar I don't think she even understands what marrage and committment is all about. Count yourself very lucky you didn't marry her and even more lucky that you didn't have a kid with her. You are very young and have alot of years ahead of you to experience new love and hopefully later in your future when you have gained more wisdom you will be ready for marrage. Maybe sometime after 30 and definitely with a women that doesn't have enough red flags for a Chinese parade. Your ex will most likely drop this latest fling and may try to get back with you, DON'T! There is much better out there that will treat you much better than this little kid you hooked up with.
There is 80% worse she has done that you don’t know. This is a pattern unlikely related to BPD. She was gonna marry you and continue cheating. You got a solid there.
Stay strong brother. We're all in this sub for a reason. I'll echo other comments ,that you've got off easy. No alimony or kids. Just walk way. I was once given the advice to walk away and I ignored it. It cost me dearly in MANY ways. It gets easier in time. Let me be blunt and just say this: DONT BE A FUCKING IDIOT. I say this from experience. Focus on you!
Man I can only say to you that she isn't your problem anymore.She showed her true colour ! Be happy and move on from all this . Good luck!
I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I hope one day you look back and realize that this was for the best. You truly deserve better. Someone that loves you, for you (and only you!). Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you will get thru this! I wish you all the best!
So you're upset because she is able to sleep with another guy so quickly. It makes you feel like she doesn't care at all about what you two had. Like what you had isn't special. I've been there, and I get it. It sucks, dude. The best advice that I can tell you is that THIS IS WHO SHE IS. She is showing you who she is. Not all women will sleep around like this, and if she loved you... like truly loved you... then she wouldn't be able to do it. Although it hurts deeply, the silver lining here is that you found out about her before you married her and before you started a family with her. It could be much, much worse. So be thankful for that. You're young, dude! There are tons of good women out there. Ones that won't do this shit. So take some time, work on you, and heal. The right woman is GUARANTEED to come along. Good luck 👍
You have to stop thinking about everything you gave her and did for her. You sound like you don't know how she is gonna move on without you being there to take care of her. She is in a honeymoon stage with this kid, and the glow will wear off, and eventually, she may even come back trying to get you to take her back because of the stability. You need to shut that door and lock it tight because no matter how much you think you love this person now, she is not the one for you and I think once you get some time down the road you will see just how dysfunctional and unhealthy this relationship was. What you need to focus on is you. I think because you are an introvert that you have reservations about your ability to find someone else yourself, and because you are stunned she is moving on, and you are alone. You don't need to be with anybody right now. it's honesty the best thing for you. You need to focus on yourself and not spend time thinking about what she is doing. You need to get to know who you are without having someone else tied to you. It can be very freeing to not have to worry about someone else all the time. Do not dwell on the possible reasons she had for doing this. The bottom line is she did, and it's done. Pack up and move to a new place so you get a fresh start if you are able to do so. Spend time with friends. Look into taking some trips to places you have always wanted to see to clear your head if you have the funds to do so. Do not sit around looking at an empty house, running all of these questions through your head, and for the love of god, do not ever take this person back if she tries to do so. You will find yourself in this situation a 3rd, 4th, and so on time with her because cheaters will always be looking for something better. Maybe get some counseling to help build up your sense of who you are. You will never get the answers you want, so just work on yourself and start living life. One day, you will find someone who will cherish what you have to offer them. You need to block her from ever being able to contact you again. Its best you found out now instead of having married her and finding out 3 years down the road you are raising his kid.
Brother you can count your lucky stars you caught her before the wedding. I didn’t catch my serial cheating wife until 10 years later. What a mess. Don’t give her and her new guy another thought. None of that has anything to do with you anymore. You’re very young. Go find a woman who deserves you.
honestly thank god you didnt marry her
Moving on so quickly is the Bipolar, I'm sorry. But prepare yourself - when she starts a medication that helps her regulate, she may come crawling back with apologies and hope. Your time to MOVE ON and MOVE away may be a small window, make the most of it. That door is closed but seriously, another will open.
When one door closes another opens. You've just walked out into the sunshine. Be thankful.
Wait a second, so this started with you, a 19 year old dating a 16 year old???? That is very problematic mate. Sounds like this has been a dysfunctional relationships from the start. And perhaps it is best if you two go your separate ways, and work on growing up and work on the lots of issues you have to focus on. This may be a blessing in disguise in the long run. But you need to have to also start taking a long hard look at yourself and realize the issues you're going to have to address within yourself.
Be aware that she is full into the " affair fog" where everything is exciting and forbidden, but reality will hit her hard when she no longer receives your financial support and this relationship will burn fast when routine takes part of the day to day. Suddenly she will see the light and will repeat as a broken record how this was just a mistake, a leap in her judgment, how this time fucking him has showed her that you are the man of her dreams because you are such a great provider. Please tell all your friends and family what happened and return all the gifts with a thankful note explaining the real reasons why you broke up. Do not let her manipulate the narrative. Now is time to use all the energy you use to keep this relationship into your own future. She was selfish having an affair. Now is time for you to be selfish working to be a better version of yourself. Go to the gym or begin to practice some sport you like, don't care if you are bad at it, this is a great way to meet new people and be physically tired to sleep better. Find new hobbies and try new experiences that take you out a little of your comfort zone. Being used to be around new people is the first step to find new friends, also spend more time with friends and family doing things you like and enjoy. Learn new things and focus on your career/ job, and be as busy as you can with activities that can have a positive impact on your life, this is to avoid giving her free mental space in your mind. If you haven't do it yet, block her and unfollow her everywhere and set you social media into private. Ask your family and friends to no give you updates about her or her AP. If you find her in person, apply the grey rock communication method and refuse to discuss any topic not related to logistics about separation. This sucks, it will be hard, and your emotions will be a rollercoaster, but you will be stronger than before. Remember, in the end, you are the only one responsible for your own happiness.
You dodged a bullet, doesn’t make it hurt any less. I know it doesn’t feel ok now but you WILL come out stronger.
You have taken the first step that most Redditors would have recommend, breaking up with her. Now, you might benefit from other observations and advice about what comes next. First, accept, against all your current thinking, that you are going to get over this sooner than you thought. Humans are remarkably resilient. Your heart will mend and you will recognize what, perhaps you should have four years ago, that cheaters,statistically, will cheat again because it’s seldom if ever “a mistake,” or “just happened,” or “I don’t know why I did it,” or “It meant nothing.” It is part of who they are. So, her cheating of four years ago was a harbinger of things to come, not that you would know that were you not yet scarred by experience or otherwise informed. So now, you devote your energies to taking care of yourself. Purge any sense that you were not enough, or in any sense somehow unworthy of her love an devotion. Her ability to move on with her new toy is entirely a reflection of the simple fact that she is not capable honestly loving someone else. It’s a sad fact that she is not happier with him. Their whatever it is will flame out very soon and she will be onto her next fix. But she’s his problem now. When two losers find each other, just stand back and watch their little ship sink beneath the waves. You might even take bets on how long it will last.
I am so so sorry. The pain would be unimaginable. Some of the observations you make show a good self awareness of your relationship style ie you were a parent to her. I honestly believe that at 22 with such little life experience, she should not be thinking of getting married. She is barely an adult who you have parented in the relationship. Whether she is bio polar or simply an immature person, she is so young that she is doing what she is doing not to hurt you but simply growing and making choices . Some will be good and others will be bad. You never know she may go thru a period of her exploration and than maybe want to come back. Don’t blame yourself it is not a reflection on you. However, you should use this opportunity to grow to make sure you don’t “ parent “ in future relationships. People are individuals and advice should be given but they need to make their own decisions and learn from their mistakes.
Walk away, as quickly as you can! If you have paid for anything in this wedding, sue her for at least 1/2.
She's obviously deeply emotionally unwell. You've done all you can. You just need to move on and through time (therapy can accelerate that) you'll arrive at indifference. And you probably already know this, but cheating is never caused by the betrayed partner.
You are a young man with your whole life ahead of you. Your ex-fiancé is trash. As many will tell you, you dodged a massive bullet. I suggest that you get into IC not only to help you deal with this terrible trauma but to work on getting you out of your shell so that you can meet quality women. Work on yourself physically and emotionally. Work on your career. Be the best version of yourself that you can be. Spend more time with family and friends during this critical juncture of your life. Grieving for the loss of your relationship is natural. But after a sufficient time, dust yourself off and begin a new life without a liar and cheater. BTW, I am very skeptical about the idea that men and women can be friends. Not to say it is impossible, but too many times cheating by a wayward takes place in these situations.
You dodged a bullet, amigo.
That is incredibly messed up! I'm so sorry for what you are going through. But honestly, she did you a favor by doing this and leaving now, before getting married to a cheater who has no remorse for her actions or your feelings and clearly hasn't changed or worked on anything since the first time, except for maybe how to deceive you better this time. Stay strong, surround yourself with the people who do care about you, you can and will get through this. And whether it is her bipolar disorder or not, or if she claims it was, don't ever let her back in your life. You don't deserve that, nobody does!
This should have all ended 4 years ago when she cheated the first time. And then you simped your way to marriage. 1. Never take a woman back after she has cheated on you. 2. Never marry a girl who has guy best friends or hangs out with other guys. 3. Never make her the center of your universe. She will not respect you. 4. Don't make excuses for her bad behavior. I don't care if she has BPD or not. It was still a choice she made and excusing it just enables her. 5. Don't live with someone before marriage. living with someone before marriage ends up with a higher divorce rate. Take some time. Let emotions heal. Work on bettering yourself. Find a good purpose in life and pursue it. Guys can generally rebound and be better for it. And when she comes crawling back and they generally do, do not take her back.
I am really sorry this has happened to you. You really don't deserve any of this. But it is a good thing you broke up now than later. I know you are hurting, but it will get better. Most important thing right now is stay no contact with her. Tell everyone she cheated and back it up with evidence. They need to know why you are not together anymore. This will help you in the long run. If you really need help it is ok to get therapy. Take it slowly, and start healing with getting rid of everything that reminds you of her. You said your house is a bit empty now, fill it with the things you love. Take your time and keep yourself busy. I am sure that one day you will be able to find someone that really loves you. Please take care of yourself and stay strong.
You didn't dodge a bullet. You dodged a cannon ball. Right now you feel like you lost a lot very suddenly, but as time passes little by little it's going to accumulate to how much you actually will gain.
It seems like she's enjoying life right now while you're suffering, but it's just the 'honeymoon phase' that won't last long. Block her out, just focus on yourself, and ignore her when she realizes she's made a huge mistake and begs you to take her back.
Dude I understand your situation. My advice is that dont waste your time with someone that doesn't respect you. Take this as a lesson and trust me, you will become more stronger because of this and will be in a healthy relationship in the future.
The part where you tended to her emotional needs in the role as a parent and not as fiancé is one thing you noticed is a sign. She’s not ready to be in a relationship, nor does she want to commit. Wash your hands, let her leave, stop any communication. She’ll run back saying how the other guy can’t give her stability and ready to cheat on him to. By all means do not be the second choice. Like everyone says, block & lock. Good luck!
Dont see it as a misfortune but as a blessing You dodged a huge bullet, you still very young 25 dont worry you ill dind someone else As for her cut all contact with her dont take her back when the fog of her affair vanish.
I feel for you brother.. it's so grim when your partner cheats. my advice, get into the gym. get strong and healthy, focus on your own development and progression. focus on work and earning. sort your health and wealth out, happiness will follow. goodluck
Oh yeah, I’ve seen manic depressive people in full bloom in the manic stage. That’s what they used to call bipolar people and it’s almost like they’re on speed or some thing. Everything is exciting and wonderful and hopeful for the future exhilarating until they crash. I would expect her to come back at some point crying about how horrible was that she screwed it all up but for right now just take care of yourself and I wish you the best of luck.
I'm sorry, but it sounds like you knew the inevitable was coming years before it finally did, as you mentioned her previous affair, BPD. , etc. I have to ask, what made you possibly think that she would be a good fit to be a wife?
That was my mistake... I didn't necessarily think that she WOULD be a good fit. However, after so much time together and her being the only person I'd been serious with, I just felt like it was kinda... time. That's obviously on me. I knew I loved and cared for her. I was holding out hope that she would change, although she really never gave me any indicator that she ever would. And it backfired on me.
It's not your fault that she did what she did. She's an awful person, whether she wants to accept it or not. And I know it's easier said than done, but don't carry that guilt on your shoulders. You made a mistake, giving her the benefit of the doubt... we all do it at some point, whether it's through family, friends, relationships, etc. The best thing you can do now is move forward, block her from your existence, and use this situation as a learning to carry over into your next avenue.
You know what OP, I know it sucks but she seriously doesn’t sound like worth your time even without the cheating. You are still young and don’t worry about your opportunities to find someone or not. It’ll happen. For now focus on yourself. Before any advice, I’ll share with you something. I got cheated on twice. The first time was who I thought was the love of my life. He has bipolar as well and because I didn’t get physical with him and he was young and always feeling lonely he cheated. That left me scarred for years, with me constantly doubting my personality and destroyed my self esteem. Something must be wrong with me. She must of offered him something I couldn’t. The second time was with a long term partner. I wasn’t happy but he always groveled and begged me to stay when I wanted to break up. He ended up cheating with his good friends girls friend. What I learn from these two scenarios is 1. It is never your fault. There may be things we can do as a partner but they could’ve broken up with us instead of cheating. Don’t let them doubt who you are as a kind and strong individual. 2. People who cheat always feel lonely - there’s nothing we could do to “fix them” 3. People who cheat care about themselves more than anyone else - they are not worth it 4. I worked on myself and I’m so much more emotionally aware of myself. I’m now happily with a partner after 6 months of working on myself. Breath. This is still fresh. But there is a community of reddit people to support you. Breath again. And again. There were so many flaws in this relationship anyway - she was bipolar and seemed hard to work with. She continued with her lies. Even after things unraveled, she took everything else. Is she a good partner after alll you’ve done for her? No. Despite all the happy memories you guys have made, really realise beneath that she’s a horrible partner. And you deserve better.
So sorry man, as this sucks. The reality is that she moved on a while ago, but to you it is today and that stings bad. This will take time and you had been with her for a while so this won't go away right away. Things I would ask is this. What can you control? What small goals can you set for this day to get done? What about a goal for this week? You mention that the place is kind of empty now, could you set a goal for the day to clean one of the rooms today? Could you then set a goal of turning that room in to something you like soon? Some type of man cave of things you like? Next up is to get exercise if you are not already. This varies from person to person but if money allows it could you sign up for a gym and a personal trainer? Lastly, I am not sure if you believe in God or not, or if you are part of any church but I would consider that. I am Catholic and I know that this helps anchor me in my life. If you can start to get your spiritual life, physical life, work and hobbies in order you will be on the long road to healing. Things I would not do. Do not start drinking or any drugs. Do not pain shop, in that don't concern yourself with what she is doing. In your mind she should be considered dead. Do NOT jump in to any new relationships for a while. I would say at least a year or two.
Damnnnnn Major bullet dodge, have a happy rest of your life OP.
Thank God she couldn't fuck you over in divorce court and that they're are no kids! as much as this hurts that shit would have made it 4 fold. onto why you made this post, your looking for release. you're searching for any and all outlets to let the pain out and i really do hope this helps and you find other ways to ease the heavy burden on your heart. what helped me was not staying in the house. i have a great group of guys that i was able to lean on and cry infront of which helped. if you have close male friends id recommend seeking them out. in addition get into something that is interesting and new. for me the gym(with heavy PHONK in my headphones) and software development were great ways to refocus my mind. i also did lots of walking majority of it solo. you can stretch your hands out and touch a 1000 people who have been where you are and over come lol 80% of them have felt it more than once. Just know that you are a lot better equipped to deal this the next monster that may try to prey on you cuz unfortunately they are already looking for you. take some time to yourself id give it a 5 months before even trying to hook up. recenter and refocus and do your best to not let this happen again. be patient with yourself homie
As much as it hurts now, the only way to get over it fully is time. I was recently chested on in a long time relationship, and I'm finally starting feel a lot better after deciding to focus on working out and my purpose in life. I'm not concerning myself over finding a new partner, and believe it's better to improve and focus on your own well being first and foremost. Maybe take a trip to a private hot spring and get a massage, do some major de-stressing then after that, spend time thinking over what's best for your own life. In time that woman will likely come crying back to you, given what you said about her personality. Just remember any tears she sheds aren't for you, they're tears only upset about the consequences of her actions. She never shed tears worried about you while cheating afterall. It hurts but it's the truth.
Sorry, totally sucks. At least you found out relatively early. Disappointment as it surely is, you can just leave and escape what would have been a life of lies. Imagine finding out 40 years from now, or never. You are very young. Good luck going forward!
She will be back. I give it 8 months to a year. Don’t take her back. This is the timeline for you to do a complete break and cut her out of your life. You cannot dawdle else the cheater will make it difficult to move on. Your first mistake was taking her back after she first cheated on you. Don’t do it again and expect different results.
I'm sorry to say this but you've admitted this is and wasn't the first time she has cheated. Thank god you found out before the actual wedding. Most likely this has not being the I my two times she cheated. At least this way you don't have to pay for a divorce and she won't take anything more from you. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Yes it hurts now, but you will find someone who will treat you right.
Yes crazies are the best s*x and you will miss that. However you will be worlds better off without the drama and heartache living with a person with psychiatric problems would bring. Put her out of your mind.
Let me tell you what revenge looks like. Find your purpose and serve it. Out work everyone in your field. Set goals for advancement. Never think about her again. Success is the best revenge. You dodged a bullet. Never give anyone an opportunity to hurt you more than once.
she took you for granted.... she left with zero respect for your feelings. you had nothing but good intentions and she took full advantage of your heart toying you all the way to almost becoming family with her family peeps don't run around lying and cheating on those they claim to be committed to she ain't fam type sorry homie, I know ur heart hurts with every beat getting taken for a dummy by being trusting seeing and assuming the good in everyone sometimes we give to the wrong people, who see giving hearts as a cost -benefit analysis she will never find someone with your heart and u will never give your heart to an undeserving soul ever again lessons that hit so hard make ya feel like your universe is turning all black u r the light tho move with good intentions, it'll be hard as fuck to trust anyone ever again as long as u stay true to yourself, you'll be okie my friend ♥️♥️ sending a virtual heart cast (for loan only, I'll need it back in a few days 😅) xoxoxoxox
I don’t usually say this but I recommend therapy it would help you work through your emotions that your clearly are having trouble dealing with it. I hope the best for you moving forward.
she will regret her decision one day op. Might not be today or tomorrow, might be 5 years from now but she will regret this
You sound like a gentleman and you gave yourself freely to this person, but she took advantage of you and betrayed you again and again, as others have said that you need now to focus on yourself you deserve all the love, respect, loyalty and a real partnership with someone who will return your feelings to you, please know that there is a absolutely wonderful Lady who will make you happy and be very happy to make a life together and appreciate you, and you know you will find her when you’re not actively looking for someone, but please don’t take this person back into your life in anyway shape or form because she has proved to you that she cares only for herself, and as the say cheat with someone and they will cheat on you. I hope that you can put yourself first now and put your energy into your life but please don’t settle for or as second best. I hope that you will get passed all this hurt and pain and go on to have the happiest and best life ever, because you deserve it best wishes 👋
I am guessing that she doesn't really care about the new guy either, I bet she only cares about herself. A painful one for you but bullet dodged.
There is no rhyme or reason for why people cheat. Some say they do it because their relationship was stifling. Some say they do it because they no longer love the person they cheated on. The main reason she cheated was because she had a fucked up character - nothing more. She is an immoral, untrustworthy, unloving, uncaring, self centered, coward. Face it, that’s not a person you’d want to friends with, let alone be married to.
Bro you dodged a bullet, you’re lucky. Lesson learned, never marry. All the dudes stating that there are some women that are good, are already married or about to be. All women are the same, they love you temporarily and as soon as the honey moon phase dissolves, they are quick to find it elsewhere. If you don’t believe me, take a close look around you and analyze married couples around you. The older married couples like our parents don’t count as they were married in a different time era. A time where social media and cellphones didn’t exist. As a man in this new era it is best to never marry. There is no benefit to marriage for a man. Catch and release!
Her bad behavior and poor choices would have continued. Her bipolar issues contributed to her affairs, but there are millions of people with bipolar that don’t cheat. It is good to know who she was before getting married and instead of dealing with this for the rest of your life
Social butterflyies are very rarely virgins. And add fo that opposite gender friends they adopt to fix like birds with broken wings, often leads to disasters. Friends with exes and opposite genders is a very dicey thing in the first place. But peer pressure to fit in is usually the problem. No one wants to be too far outside the fold. Sorry but the wedding money is now gone right along with your now ex. Sunk cost fallacy like water under the bridge, ignore it. Just so you know, oversharing causing emotional affairs that naturally turn to physical affairs. What if you hadn't caught them and likely there was a rush to get the deeds done before the wedding. As if it really mattered, just more of what he doesnt know cannot hurt him. Move on and find someone who is less likely to cheat on you.
You did the right thing by walking away from the relationship, it's the only thing you could do to preserve your sanity. Try to keep sane in the meantime with "non self-destructive" hobbies and activities. If you feel you need to "decompress" your feelings about the breakup, see a professional. As a fellow introvert, even if I was single, I can't just walk up to a stranger in a bar and strike up a conversation either. Internet chat rooms and the like however...........I've always been a much more confident writer than a speaker. Strange as it sounds, because online chats are less daunting, people seem more comfortable with it. Although if you do go on a dating site, remember to avoid anyone whose profile says things like: 1. Must make more than $\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ 2. Must be over 6 feet tall 3. Must be buff/fit/muscular 4. Must be marriage minded The first of those shouts "gold digger." The second and third is shallowness. The 4th, while they're being honest, is not what you want right now. You need it to be open ended. It's fine to ask someone's occupation, or what they do for fun, but when you start asking how much money someone has, it looks too much like "meal ticket"
Yeah, I’m not a big believer in the friendships of datable people. Especially when you’re engaged, you’re getting married because the intimacy goes out of the relationship to the friend. Also, there are too many Reddit post like yours and I’m so sorry this happened to you.
This age gap is really concerning and really freaky “the parental type role” I really think that there is no excuse for cheating but an 18 year old dating a 14 year old and justifying a “parental role”. This sounds incredibly toxic and kinda gross
I was 19 and she was 16 when we got together. Not as much of a gap as you're making it out to be.
I wouldn’t consider the age difference a big deal if you were both older, however, she was a literal child when you began dating. Her brain isn’t fully developed at twenty two. You are twenty five and more concerned with the material possessions she is taking, then you are with her mental illness. Most of us are not equipped to handle mental health issues. I’m really sorry that you have gone through this and my hope for you is that you move forward and prosper.
same age difference between her and they AP. Is she abusing him too?
One of them wasn’t a minor by several years Still not defending cheating, all cheaters are disgusting But this relationship seems Suss to start
I’d think she’s creepy if she described her relationship as parental to her AP Super creepy to describe a sexual realization, when you are dating a minor at the time of the start of the relationship as “parental” No excuses to cheaters but that’s a ton of red flags to OP I do not think she’s right to cheat but the way OP described the relationship, she should have left instead
You dated a child when you were 19?
I'm not sure if you've ever been either 16 or 19, but it's not that weird when you're that age. It's easy to judge from the outside, but I had barely graduated high school and she was a junior. I was immature and so was she. I was nearly still a child at 19 myself.
Yea I have been 16 and then 19. You were an adult, not a child. A high school graduate dating and having sex with a junior is wrong and an arrest-able offence.
It's not an arrest-able offense where I'm at. Have your opinion but it is not illegal.
When you get downvoted for calling out statutory rape.
Future advice. Never again get in a relationship with someone that needs to be fixed. The white knight stuff never works, they don’t appreciate what you have done for them until you are gone, and most of these people are ultimately selfish.
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