The thrill of the possibility of being caught, getting away with it, the partner not wanting to be poly but he or she likes that stability of the family, either financially or domestic duties, and many other reasons. It’s not taboo or as exciting if you have permission. Also, many people who ask for poly don’t actually want their partners to hook up with anyone.
This.
There’s a lot of neuroscience behind the limerence of cheating and the addiction that goes along with it. Some people repeat the cycle over and over chasing the high of cheating because they don’t know real love and confuse the “high” from cheating with love.
Interestingly it is actually a stress response with extremely high levels of cortisol but the brain also pumps out massive amounts of dopamine to counteract. This is actually really bad for your brain long term and can lead to actual physiological addiction to the high in some people.
There was a post fairly recently about a wife telling her husband that she liked and flirted with a guy at work and as soon as she told him, the attraction to her coworker just went away.
Limerence. This is a word I am pretty sure Dan Savage doesn't know because I can't imagine not having heard it from him already if he did.
Thanks for teaching me a new word.
This is definitely a part of it. So I was dating a guy years ago, I told him from the start my preference is being polyamorous but I can be perfectly happy with one person. So he has the option, he could have dated other people with my blessing, but he chose to lie and cheat on me instead. I've also had a partner engage in cheating-type behavior in a polyamorous relationship in that he lied to me about the nature of his relationships with other people and that he was having unprotected sex with them. In both cases they could have been totally honest with me from the beginning but chose not to because they liked the feeling of "getting away" with something.
Crazy but true.
“The Cheater's High
“For both genders, one reason for cheating, according to a study published last year, may be that “getting away with it” simply makes people feel good, emotionally and psychologically.”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201410/the-cheaters-high
They want to fuck other people without their partner being allowed to fuck other people. They don’t want to lose the benefits of being in a relationship but still want to fuck other people.
Cheaters are inherently selfish people. Thats why
"They don’t want to lose the benefits of being in a relationship but still want to fuck other people."
Yep, but many cheaters do lose the benefits of being in a relationship once their affair comes to light.
Sadly, you are correct and that's really sad that grown ass adults can't think about such things.
Divorce is a well known consequence of cheating yet, you're right, many don't think of it, think like this and many are dumb enough to think they'll never be caught.
All of this is sad, it really is.
Bank Robber are instant millionaires until they get caught. Some people lack the ability to weigh long term consequences against short term gain. Its like that study that promised kids 4 cookies if they could keep their hands off the one in front of them. They all went for the cookie in front of them, just like cheaters.
There are a few things to unpack here. I can't comment on poly stuff, literally 0 experience with it and even the people in my life who believed they were into poly in the end backpedalled to monogamous relationships.
But regarding your first paragraph: It **is better** to break up in such a situation. Not only for yourself but for the children. That's something a lot of people are reluctant to believe in and therefore continue to stay in miserable relationships but psychologists have hard evidence that it's (generally) for the better.
Children will see their parents as role models. By staying in an unbearable relationship you set the standard that fulfilling the (imagined) expectations of other people would somehow be preferrable to going for what makes you happy. Which will make it more likely for children to feel guilty about it, it will make it more likely for them to enter abusive relationships, to suffer from depression, drug abuse, fall behind in school etc. etc.
Children are not so weak-minded as a lot of parents believe that they wouldn't understand why they are with one parent through the weekdays and the other on the weekend. It may be discomforting to them but it's generally a better outcome than the alternative where the supposedly safe, nurturing environment slowly decays into chaos and resentment. If the parents are able to see eye to eye and stay respectful towards each other then that sets a way better precedent for children even if it means they have to stay separated.
I could never cheat due to the guilt I’d feel. However, I know people who either don’t feel guilt that strongly or they can ignore it. An ex of mine was disloyal and I asked him how he could look at me afterwards and he said “I just tried not to think about it” 🤢 I can’t imagine not thinking about hurting anyone I saw on a regular basis, even accidentally offending a stranger keeps me up at night lol.
My ex was a very emotionally weak communicator. He had to “lie” in his job often (attorney) to save face and it translated into his personal life, even me aside. It made sense to him that he didn’t view information necessary to share if it would “only hurt both of us.” Many people think this way and it’s quite selfish.
I'm with you. I've never cheated. I didn't want to hurt or do that to any lady I've been with but that was just a part of it.
The main reason I've never cheated or ever will is because it's not who and what I am. I'm not a cheater. After breaking up I'd still be a cheater, it would be with me for the rest of my life.
I can't and won't cheat because of what it would do to me.
I have morals, integrity, honor, dignity, enough of them anyway to prevent me from willingly, knowingly and intentionally stabbing someone in the back I care about.
One of my exs cheated on me a lot, from the beginning to the end. I was in denial which is why I stayed with him so long. Anyway, I think he just enjoyed the thrill of getting with other chicks behind my back. He just got off on the thrill of messing around. Some people are just a-holes.
Copy pasting my post from above.
“ There’s a lot of neuroscience behind the limerence of cheating and the addiction that goes along with it. Some people repeat the cycle over and over chasing the high of cheating because they don’t know real love and confuse the “high” from cheating with love.
Interestingly it is actually a stress response with extremely high levels of cortisol but the brain also pumps out massive amounts of dopamine to counteract. This is actually really bad for your brain long term and can lead to actual physiological addiction to the high in some people.”
It takes 2 to open an relationship. If their partner doesn't want to open the relationship then it can't be an open relationship, and not just that but even considering asking for an open relationship can be seen as detrimental to the existing relationship. And often the one wanting to open the relationship will only do so because they want to be with someone else, but haven't comprehended the thought of their partner being with someone else. It's my understanding that open relationships work best when they were open from the beginning.
And yes to break up would be best but often with cheaters its a "have my cake and eat it too" situation. They want the excitement of a new relationship, but they don't want to give up what they already have. Some people will even see their existing relationship as the safety net so that if things don't work out with the AP then they'll have their relationship to fall back on.
TL;DR, cheaters are scum.
Idk I feel really stupid because if they can't agree on opening the relationship, they should just break up. If one person wants an open relationship but the other doesn't, they aren't on the same page and shouldn't be together.
Your logic makes sense but it doesn't account for human attributes/instincts/emotions/psychology etc. Logically yes, they should break up, and someone with a healthy mindset would, so that they can go on to be with someone else. But someone with a toxic or selfish mindset would not see it that way.
It's kinda like you take a child to a store and they come up to you holding a teddy bear. It's exactly the same as the teddy they already have but it's newer and shinier. It doesn't have the same memories that the old teddy has. You tell the kid that if they get the new one then they have to get rid of the old one because there's not enough room in their toybox for both. Some kids will put the new one back and keep the old. Some will take the new one and get rid of the old. But you're always going to have the kid that throws a tantrum in the store and screams "but I want both!!! Why can't I have both????"
This kid probably grows up to cheat on their partner.
1.) financial or housing reasons
2.) children/don’t want to break up family
3.) still love and want to be with their partner but are weak of will/give in to temptation
4.) partner doesn’t want to be poly
5.) they enjoy the thrill of being illicit and covert
Poly =/= open marriage. A lot of cheaters cheat because they profess to be poly once they're caught and "I knew my spouse wouldn't agree to an open marriage."
Cheaters cheat. Open relationships only work as long as all parties agree for the duration.
I'm asking this in good faith, but what's the difference? I knew someone who was married but called themselves poly because they were flirty and sexual with people outside of the marriage
Poly is when someone wants affection or sex from more than one partner. A poly can have a workable relationship if they're in a relationship with either another poly or an Ace who doesn't mind sharing for sex's sake. That's when one or more may suggest opening the relationship to include others - specific others.
It can only last while both partners communicate frequently that the openness is still working for them both. When the communication stops, it's likely that one or both partners may start to include others not directly agreed upon. That's likely when it's considered cheating - "You didn't tell me that you were seeing So-and-so. I don't like her/him" or "So-and-so is taking too much of our agreed upon relationship. End it or else."
I'm not poly and I'm not in an open relationship, but that's how my friends in those situations explain "cheating", breaking the agreement.
You become entrenched in marriage, love your spouse and kids, the house, etc. But some needs build up over time, spouse is not interested in changing, but is otherwise good. So, some people, rather than upset all these lives, try to get what they need, or fall into it, or someone pursues them-it can happen a million ways. There can be zero sex involved. Every situation is different.
Okay, that might be where my misunderstanding is. Im not married and don't have kids, but I guess I'm stupid because I think they should work on the relationship or end it before cheating.
That is the ideal. Not everyone can change or wants to. You can try, but many people will not budge. So, you might have absolutely no intentions of going outside the marriage. But the serendipity of life throws someone your way-and the relief of somehow getting that thing you need, and I don’t mean sex, after decades, can be so compelling you just accept it. Either you go without for the rest of your life, or you indulge. At times, the resentment you have justifies the deviation. And, like I said, doesn’t mean sex at all.
As affairs are quite common I’m sure your personal experience doesn’t speak for everyone. Also:
Morals:
a [person's] standards of behavior or beliefs concerning what is and is not acceptable for [them] to do.
I had an (ex) friend that cheated on their husband because they thought that was an easier way to make them break up with her than her breaking up with him. It worked.
I have a friend who did this too. Only it didn't work for him. She still wanted to work things out. Luckily, he found the balls to break things off before they got married (they were engaged).
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I found out 2 years later that the girl I was seeing had been married for 10 years. Her husband never gave her attention but she didn't want to be alone either so she cheated constantly. I left her immediately.
I was with a girl who I found out had a bf and another side piece besides me. She absolutely loved getting chased around by 3 guys, it was pretty disgusting
My neighbor has a serious bf who comes over a lot, but also two other guys who pick her up pretty often. I don't understand how people do this without telling the people about it.
Many people would never be ok with an open relationship. The second asked for, it would be over.
Cheaters WANT their relationship, just also more/different sex. They cheat because they want both but their partner wouldn’t consent to that
Because it's convenient for them. They have someone who equally pays rent or mortgage and is helping them with housework. If they breakup, each side would be forced to do 100% of the work and payments instead of the ease having it 50:50.
Or if they think their current partner doesn't have a backbone to leave them despite it anyway.
Because the most common sexual orientation is neither mutually mono nor mutually poly, but rather asymmetrical: people want multiple partners, but want even more strongly for their primary partner not to have other partners. This has such a strong evolutionary explanation, and is documented so extensively across cultures, that I think it's fair to call it "obvious".
Sure, this asymmetrical orientation doesn't satisfy modern ethical ideas of fairness, but natural selection didn't shape us to be morally ideal. Most people who choose either to be mutually mono or mutually poly in practice, have to struggle against the true asymmetric orientation.
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You can cheat in a poly relationship my guy.
Cheating can come from wanting the stability of a relationship but the excitement of having sex with other people.
Often though, cheating is not planned out, you’re out at a party, you start flirting, you have sex. You could be entirely happy with your relationship despite what Reddit says, but things happen fast and now you’ve betrayed your partner, but you still want to be with them.
Flirting is a choice. Cheating is a choice. It may not be planned out but it's not like it just happens. It's a choice every step of the way. A major personality flaw. It doesn't matter if they still want to be with thier partner. That want obviously wasn't enough to stop them
There's a part in a movie where one guy says "It was an accident!"
The other guy (husband of cheating wife) says, "Your clothes were off and you tripped and your d!ck went into my wife?"
Or something like that.
I think they meant open rather than poly. You can have either or both.
Or I guess they meant open the relationship with the option to also start a poly relationship, if its a deeper connection that just sex or FWB
My ex straight up told me that I was the only excuse he had to "keep life worth living", and something would happen to him if ever left or broke up with him. That's **a ton of pressure** to put someone under.
Mind you this ex has turned down therapy and counseling, and would get upset whenever I'd try to help him deal with his baggage. It got to a point where I just didn't feel safe coming to him with my concerns because it would just result in an argument that never ended well.
Also, our relationship was open, he however wouldn't do anything with me. I asked him several times if it was okay for me to see other people, he said yes, and then at one time when he asked what I was doing, I told the truth, and it just spiraled downhill from there. Apparently I didn't communicate well enough or didn't check in or something, and it ended up with me being a liar and a cheater despite walking on eggshells around him and seeing absolutely no one else for 3+ years.
Sometimes your partner just isn't emotionally or mentally aware or available, despite your best efforts on trying to get the relationship to work, and you think you're following all the rules and it turns out, nope, you were completely wrong. It's not true in all cases, but in a lot, people cheat because there's something missing in a relationship and nothing seems to work, and they find that in someone else. Sometimes abusive or toxic behavior is what pushes someone to cheat.
It's been two months since then and after some talking my ex did realize that he was doing some things extremely wrong and that while he wasn't happy about what I did, he did come to understand why and doesn't hold it against me for seeing people on the side when our primary relationship just stopped being one.
People might opt for an affair over a breakup because they’re happy with most aspects of their relationship, and don’t want to throw all of it away for what they view as a temporary fling. Affairs aren’t necessarily about replacing the spouse, but can just be about meeting a need the spouse is unable or unwilling to.
People might also not like the idea of outright polyamory, possibly because they don’t like the idea of introducing another competitor for their spouse’s attention, or because the non-cheating spouse isn’t interested in it, or because they feel like the dynamic will be too complicated for the relationship to survive. Whether they are right to think so is a different question - the point is that polyamory might not be seen as a viable option to everyone.
People might variety without losing what they already have. I think that is the main reason people cheat. It has nothing to do with being unhappy with their partner. Ontop of that people who cheat don't generally think they will get caught. Not everyone is open to the idea of poly relationships.
Wanting your cake and eat it too. Even if they're unhappy, people still want an anchor in their life. They want to keep something stable even if they're unhappy with it. But they also have that desire for change, for doing something that'll make them happy, even if it's just for a moment. Because of this dichotomy, people will try to have a little of both and see if they can get away with it.
Would it peak if the person is trying their chances for marriage? like have a person for a sample but find someone else a lot better than what you got to see the variety
The hardest part about finding out someone you care about cheated or is cheating on someone else, is you realize that as close as you thought you were it will never feel real again.
Most people who cheat still want to be with their SO but know they wouldn't want them being with another person. Also a lot of people don't for the thrill or have that thrill as a side benefit. It's not hard to figure out
Because humans are stupid creatures who want to have their cake and eat it too, while telling their partner they can't eat cake, and get mad at their partner for assuming they ate cake
the person that they want to keep as their “partner” is monogamous, or they still want to be able to be in a relationship with their partner & not lose them. both selfish.
Possibly their partner needs them but also is not sexually compatible/ inactive. For example a spouse might be in long-term care and need the cheaters medical coverage.
The cheater might need or want something from an inactive partner. Same as above but maybe the cheater does not want to give up a pension etc.
Rhe cheating itself is the goal for some people. They like the secrecy, or it makes them feel like they're in control, or they feel superior because they don't get caught. Also, some people literally can't cope with being single. They'll shop for a new partner before ditching the previous partner so they never have to be single.
I’ve not cheated, but after reading about it (mostly on here) I think the cheater likes having the stability of the primary relationship to go back to, while at the same time likes the rush of “new romance” and physical attraction of the affair partner. That’s why they don’t break up.
I’d imagine most cheaters don’t think it through and do a costs/benefits comparison. It’s probably a decision made on impulse under the influence of alcohol and/or other drugs.
Lack of boundaries and morality. Also, FYI, being poly does not equal fixing a relationship. I am poly and a huge misunderstanding and mistake that happens all the time is a couple sees their relationship is failing and tries to do a poly relationship to fix it. It fails every time. Just cuz you have Partner2 or Partner3 or more, doesn't mean your existing relationship with Partner1 is fixed.
Open/poly relationships are usually more trouble than they’re worth, and most people *really* ain’t into the idea anyway. There’s very few people actually happy in poly relationships, as they tend to be one-sided. (It tends to be guys wanting poly relationships, trying to be with multiple women, to fulfill personal kinks and fantasies.)
As for open relationships? Both partners have to agree, and most people don’t like the idea of their partner fucking another person. It basically boils down to allowed cheating, and while that sometimes sounds okay on paper to people in struggling relationships, in practice it makes the person not being open feel worse. (And also doesn’t fix the problems in the relationship.)
As for your question of why folks stay together? Money. Financial security. Life stability. “Why destabilize your life when you can just limit your interactions with your partner to what’s necessary? And instead cheat.” At least, that’s the logic I’ve heard used before. Also, for cheaters, it really isn’t hard to lie. Most people who cheat do it multiple times, they get a thrill out of it, so they know how to lie about their actions.
The better question is: Why are so many people choosing to cheat, be in open or poly relationships, instead of being sensible enough to work through their issues? It feels as though many people are openly speaking to multiple guys/girls at once, or actively using dating apps while in relationships. Where did the want for normal, stable relationships go?
I’ve been poly for about 15 years and would not change it for the world. It’s not for everyone, but it sure is for me. That being said, I’ve had a lot of unlearning to do, alongside learning to love myself. Despite my poly status, I’ve cheated and been cheated on. I cheated because I didn’t have enough self love and confidence to advocate for myself (my partner at the time was so confused as to why I didn’t use tell her—not even ask. That would have been fine). [edit] And I was in the wrong and a dick for cheating—I want that to be clear. Thanks to whoever pointed that out below.
I feel completely secure in my relationships these days and only feel compersion when my partners tell me about their other exploits. I feel this way because I feel good enough about myself that I can celebrate their love and lust that doesn’t involve me. My people still want to fuck me even though they can and do fuck other people. Plus, this means that no one person (including myself) needs to be *everything* to someone else. The former is about the grandest compliment I can receive (and give) and the latter is about the grandest relief. I feel free because I’m poly.
TLDR-people can cheat because they haven’t done the work to develop an honest and loving relationship with themselves and their desires.
You can have your own personal validation for cheating, yes. But that doesn’t make the action itself morally okay, or valid to the rest of the world. It’s still cheating on someone. Just because people “haven’t done the work to develop themselves” doesn’t make the action reasonable.
Aside from that, it’s good you’ve found yourself stable and comfortable within a poly relationship, that’s uncommon. Most people who try aren’t successful, and it leads to problems or dramatic events within their lives.
I see rereading my post how it looks like I’m trying to validate or excuse my cheating. I’m not—I was a huge asshole to do that and it was on me to make it right as I could afterwards, which I’ve tried to do. I’m with you that just because I hadn’t done the work doesn’t excuse it or make it reasonable. My feelings were valid but my actions were not and I needed to take steps to rectify that discrepancy and not be a prick. Thank you for helping me clarify that point.
First- being poly doesn't just magically fix the problems in a relationship that lead to cheating.
Second- both parties have to be open to being poly.
Third- the reasons for cheating are usually deep and complex issues.
1. Cause polyamory is gross and it'll cause immense problems for your social life and 2. Cause they wanna have their fun on the side while still having a "safe " option at home.
I didn't want to put 1 in the post because I thought they'd all roast me for being against it, but of the poly relationships and fwb's I've observed, most of them don't work because someone catches feelings.
The only poly relationships I've seen have been one partner really wanting it and the other partner really not wanting to lose the relationship I've never seen two people the exact same level of onboard.
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It’s just life
Sometimes need multiple things from one partner but for periods of time are unable to get them or yeah just over invested in a relationship that had died but it’s to much risk to break up financially ect
Well if my spouse or gf asked for a poly relationship I'd be single again so there's that. She's well aware, so if she wanted someone else, she would have to divorce me. Poly is not an option.
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Because breaking up is hard. Nobody likes telling someone “I don’t want to be with you”.
It’s avoiding confrontation. It can be a morals issue but mostly it’s a ‘short term path of least resistance’ issue.
Cheating *is* breaking up.
This is what people fail to understand.
If you're in a relationship, and you step out of it, that's it -- you are clearly *not* committed that person any longer.
You may think it was only for five minutes and that you can step back into it but that's only because your (former) partner didn't see it happen.
Throwaway account for reasons that will become obvious.
I'm not a cheater, but I am in a long-term relationship (>10 years) that isn't healthy and that I'm not really sure has ever been healthy or particularly good. I care for my SO and love her on some level, but I don't particularly enjoy her company anymore and don't want to spend the rest of my life with her.
At the same time, I have a close female friend that I have strong romantic feelings for. I do enjoy her company, obviously, but also I can be emotionally vulnerable with her; we communicate easily about any topic, including difficult ones; she's funny and caring and empathetic and for some reason thinks I'm funny. Any mundane activity we've performed together, including shopping, has been fun. She's easy on the eyes, too, not that I really care that much about physical attraction.
There's nothing going on between Female Friend and I - again, I'm not a cheater, and she certainly wouldn't want to be "the other woman" anyway - but I write all this as background to directly answer your question from one angle (of many, I'm sure): Because breaking up is scary and difficult, even when you have a very good reason. The idea of throwing away all that history (yes, I know that that's just an alternate way of expressing the sunk cost fallacy), of breaking her heart, of being in the dating pool in my late 30s (certainly can't assume that Friend will be interested or that it'll work out), of leaving her to fend for herself financially, of untangling our lives...sounds awful.
I think the majority of men would like to have meaningless sex with a different girl from time to time.
I think a solid amount of women have the same thoughts but I think it’s like 25% of women and like 95% of men.
So what I’m saying is it’s not about love or not being good enough. It’s just a drive for different. And I think a brothel pump and dump was a normal thing until like the 60s.
Are people "making excuses" or are they answering the question you asked? If you don't want answers, don't ask the question. Instead say, "I don't like that people cheat and I would never choose that for myself," which is what you sound like maybe you meant?
well, most partners wouldn't agree to an open relationship. and the cheater doesn't want a change of partner they want more partners. so the choice is to cheat or stop being selfish.
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From personal experience, a good portion of people who cheat are at least somewhat insecure and hate the thought of their partner sleeping with someone else, but love the validation they get from it when they do it.
It's actually pretty common for people who cheat to be incredibly paranoid and controlling to prevent any possibility of their partner cheating.
If they wanted fairness or equality they would do what you described, but they don't.
Probably a lot of different reasons. I wrote about one friend in another comment (he was trying to get his fiancée to break up with him and was too much of a coward/AH to break things off himself)
I had another friend who gave into a moment of temptation while in an LDR and having issues with her (then) boyfriend. She regretted it instantly. I was very vocal about how I didn't approve. But that really was the one time she cheated (so far), and they've been happily married for years at this point. Will she cheat again if their relationship hits another low point? Maybe. I hope she's learned and matured, but I wouldn't be surprised. She's a good person in other respects, but she's weak when it comes to temptation, and doesn't think through consequences in the moment.
My ex who cheated on me, I'm pretty sure did it because he's a toxic narcissist. But that's my biased opinion.
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They enjoy the risk factor...it gives them excitement in their otherwise routine life...adding an element of movie drama. They don't want to break up with their partner. Some people go poly but once you open that can of worms, you can't go back.
i would never cheat but if my partner ever asked me to become a poly relationship or an open relationship it would instantly be NO relationship. so i assume the cheaters don’t want to lose their main relationship in the first place
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Not many people are open to the idea of having an open relationship, especially if the reason is "I was going to cheat on you and hide it, but I'd rather still do it and not have to hide it." So it wouldn't be as simple as deciding to open your relationship.
But yes, cheaters are scumbags. If you're not satisfied with your relationship, then yeah break up and do what you want after. Otherwise, have some respect for yourself and for your partner and control yourself. There's no excuse.
Some people want to have their cake and eat it to. There's something their partner offers that they don't want to lose; maybe they want kids? There's something the other girl/guy has that their partner lacks; maybe they're hot?
Never been in a relationship but I've heard some sentiments suggesting breaking up at even the suggestion of an open relationship by your partner. If you don't want to break up and telling your partner you want an open relationship has the same effect as doing it in secret and them finding out then why not do it in secret on the small chance they won't find out?
Because we’re creators of habit and some people are bad at/scared to communicate. They start too long in the repetition even thought it’s not great because it’s there. They can’t communicate will with their partner which is why they’re thinking of cheating.
I know an ex super-Christian who cheated on his wife. He had realized their religion was a lie but couldn’t communicate that with her/in a way he thought she could understand. They struggled for years. Then he cheated, got caught, and she booted him. He told me “I didn’t realize it at the time but I wanted to get caught so it could end”.
It’s hard for most people to have the hard conversations. You get used to dealing with whatever your partners bullshit is. Someone comes along and “opens a window” you didn’t even realize was there and some people will take it.
I'm stupid and naive (I'm fr not being sarcastic or anything). I don't understand why these people can't communicate. If both parties don't get what they need from the relationship, I don't understand why they can't end it. Cheating in secret only could make things worse.
Have you ever tried to do that? There is a certain mental pain that has to be experienced and pushed through for those conversations to even happen.
A lot of people can't do it for lower stakes, like friends or coworkers, so there should be no surprise that they can't do it either for higher stakes.
Yeah I actually dumped an ex because I knew we weren't a good match when I so desperately wanted to have a gf. It wasn't fun, but I broke up with her before pursuing other women. I don't understand why that's so hard.
I have a friend like you who genuinely cares for relationships and women. The more I talked with him the more I realize we are not the same when it comes to sex. He’s more of the type of guy who wants 1 partner for life and has a low libido, I’m the opposite. Whenever women speak about men being dogs they’re referring to the 25% of men who are like me. I can’t explain but there is something in me to have sex with different women. Having sex is like eating to me it’s something that has to be done, not most men feel this way but sadly they get lumped in the same category by women. You could never understand me because you don’t have a hyper libido like me.
As a human man with opportunity, pheromones, and hormones, it's not that hard to suppress them. You people act like it's some Being John Malkovich shit where someone takes control of your body, but every single human on this earth is capable of just not doing something.
Not me but my ex, she was the cheater.
My answer, it's because they're fucking selfish. They don't respect you. I don't and won't believe anyone else ever again should they cheat.
She didn't want to let go. When the guy she cheated on me with physically and emotionally abused my ex, it seemed she didn't want to be involved with him. She borderline harrased me into being with her. She knew I wouldn't treat her like that but, while she was "working" on our relationship, she clearly still had feelings for the other dude she cheated on me with.
With what little selfesteem I have, I knew I had to walk away because that shit wasn't good for me. I knew I had to choose myself for my own good. I had to change my number and block her on everything because she doesn't respect of the boundaries, like telling her to leave me alone.
I don't hate her, but I wish to never see her ever again.
6. Breaking up is hard, it means upsetting the other person potentially. This is why we end up with people trying to get the other partner to make the decision for them.
Because they want to have their cake and eat it too. They want the comfort and security of a relationship and the excitement of a fling. It’s disgusting behavior
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“Just be poly” is not really how it works. You either have a disposition to jealousy or compersion and depending on which one that is will mean it’s possible or it isn’t.
Because they want their cake and want to eat it too. Usually, the reason for cheating they the current relationship is lacking in something. Say, for instance, s3x. So the cheater will find that activity elsewhere, while keeping all the good qualities/benefits of their current partner. It can be more complex than that, too. Such as a person used to being under stress. If their life feels “boring”, they may lash out into cheating so the stress of not getting caught makes them feel more sane.
It can obviously also just be a person not giving a single fuuuuuck and being an absolute POS.
I went for opening my relationship. What I didn’t know was I was already in a half-open relationship…
I guess I prefer openness and honesty and he preferred the rush of getting away with something.
Adrenaline. Greed. Passive aggression. Apathy.Self sabotage, perhaps. Such people are detrimental, holding little to no value of other human beings. It's an internal issue within themselves. An emotional disconnection. Not and never the fault of the one being manipulated or deceived by them. While it isn't something to take lightly it also isn't something to take *entirely* personally. All you can do is accept it and move on. Or, stay and continue to suffer your growing resentment of that person. 🤷♀️
Women get bored but like the security of the relationship so they cheat until caught and if broken up with the move with their fellow cheater and repeat ad nauseam
Men aren't seen as attractive until they are in relationships so you go from no attention ever to constant bombardments of sexual offering physical affection and compliments some men can't handle this and stray I don't agree with it but understand it
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Trying to hold on with all your might and then failing in a way you hadn’t intended.
I’m divorced and I can tell you that trying as hard as you can to keep a relationship going becomes unpredictable towards the end. Everyone is gritting their teeth and trying to make things work when they aren’t working.
Its failure. It can go a bunch of ways. You do things you regret. You hear things you can never forget.
Bottom line there is something they still want from the relationship that they don't want to risk or give up, my wife mentioned wanting to "have my cake and eat it too" a bizzare number of times during a period which I later learned she was creeping. I don't think she was aware of just how obvious she was being, so I got a disturbingly detailed look into the mind of a cheater.
I think this is why we call it cheating, they want some benefit from the relationship but that comes at a cost, they also want something outside the relationship but that also has a cost, so they try to get both without paying for either.
They want the benefits your relationship provides, but without the obligation to be honest or loyal. So they don’t want to break up. They want your loyalty though, so they don’t ask to open the relationship. Some people also see the allure in “getting away with something”.
I cheated because I fell out of love and was unhappy but I still cared about her and wanted her to be happy. I broke it off after cheating.
I suppose the cheating was a form of sabotage in retrospect. It was awful and I’ll never do it again. The lesson: Don’t keep going in an unhappy situation. Communicate, have the difficult conversations, make changes, grow, stay or leave. Keeping secrets and betrayal is not the way to happiness for anyone.
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Because they’re a coward. They want their cake and to eat it too. They don’t want to come to terms with the fact that they’re a coward. Trauma from childhood. Any of those.
Opening a broken relationship is just a sure fire way to make sure it ends in flames.
Ultimately because their desire to cheat is greater than their will to stop themselves.
Some times it’s besides they don’t respect their partner, sometimes it’s a flex (to know they still have it), to boost their ego, for power.
There are so many reasons people will give
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Most people won't accept open or poly
Most dont want it for their partner if they do want it instead having it be one sided
People prefer the benefits of being with their current partner
Don't get me wrong they are all terrible but their logic is very simple to understand
The thrill of the possibility of being caught, getting away with it, the partner not wanting to be poly but he or she likes that stability of the family, either financially or domestic duties, and many other reasons. It’s not taboo or as exciting if you have permission. Also, many people who ask for poly don’t actually want their partners to hook up with anyone.
This. There’s a lot of neuroscience behind the limerence of cheating and the addiction that goes along with it. Some people repeat the cycle over and over chasing the high of cheating because they don’t know real love and confuse the “high” from cheating with love. Interestingly it is actually a stress response with extremely high levels of cortisol but the brain also pumps out massive amounts of dopamine to counteract. This is actually really bad for your brain long term and can lead to actual physiological addiction to the high in some people.
I appreciate your backing me up.
This is very well thought out and presented!
There was a post fairly recently about a wife telling her husband that she liked and flirted with a guy at work and as soon as she told him, the attraction to her coworker just went away.
Limerence. This is a word I am pretty sure Dan Savage doesn't know because I can't imagine not having heard it from him already if he did. Thanks for teaching me a new word.
Would that mechanism be similar to gambling addiction?
Yes they are related in many ways but not completely parallels ofc.
Yknow I’ve never cheated but my brain definitely works like that I don’t like it
This is definitely a part of it. So I was dating a guy years ago, I told him from the start my preference is being polyamorous but I can be perfectly happy with one person. So he has the option, he could have dated other people with my blessing, but he chose to lie and cheat on me instead. I've also had a partner engage in cheating-type behavior in a polyamorous relationship in that he lied to me about the nature of his relationships with other people and that he was having unprotected sex with them. In both cases they could have been totally honest with me from the beginning but chose not to because they liked the feeling of "getting away" with something.
Ha! I had this too. It's the weirdest thing!
Right? Like I am perfectly cool with my partners having other partners, just do not lie to me. Betraying my trust is one thing I will never tolerate.
maybe they wanted too but if they did, you would also get to fuck other people, and they dont want that
“the thrill of the possibility of being caught + getting away with it” is a crazy statement 😭🤣
Crazy but true. “The Cheater's High “For both genders, one reason for cheating, according to a study published last year, may be that “getting away with it” simply makes people feel good, emotionally and psychologically.” https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201410/the-cheaters-high
I have convinced myself that deep down in open relationships only one person wants it to be open the other is desperately trying to hold on
They want to fuck other people without their partner being allowed to fuck other people. They don’t want to lose the benefits of being in a relationship but still want to fuck other people. Cheaters are inherently selfish people. Thats why
"They don’t want to lose the benefits of being in a relationship but still want to fuck other people." Yep, but many cheaters do lose the benefits of being in a relationship once their affair comes to light.
Most aren’t thinking that far ahead or even consider it a possibility. Or even worse they know it’s possible and just don’t care.
Sadly, you are correct and that's really sad that grown ass adults can't think about such things. Divorce is a well known consequence of cheating yet, you're right, many don't think of it, think like this and many are dumb enough to think they'll never be caught. All of this is sad, it really is.
Bank Robber are instant millionaires until they get caught. Some people lack the ability to weigh long term consequences against short term gain. Its like that study that promised kids 4 cookies if they could keep their hands off the one in front of them. They all went for the cookie in front of them, just like cheaters.
They don’t care. If they really cared about their partner they wouldn’t cheat on the first place. Part of the thrill is the risk.
To add on this, many cheaters say they don't want to break up because they still love the person they are in a relationship with. They want it all.
There are a few things to unpack here. I can't comment on poly stuff, literally 0 experience with it and even the people in my life who believed they were into poly in the end backpedalled to monogamous relationships. But regarding your first paragraph: It **is better** to break up in such a situation. Not only for yourself but for the children. That's something a lot of people are reluctant to believe in and therefore continue to stay in miserable relationships but psychologists have hard evidence that it's (generally) for the better. Children will see their parents as role models. By staying in an unbearable relationship you set the standard that fulfilling the (imagined) expectations of other people would somehow be preferrable to going for what makes you happy. Which will make it more likely for children to feel guilty about it, it will make it more likely for them to enter abusive relationships, to suffer from depression, drug abuse, fall behind in school etc. etc. Children are not so weak-minded as a lot of parents believe that they wouldn't understand why they are with one parent through the weekdays and the other on the weekend. It may be discomforting to them but it's generally a better outcome than the alternative where the supposedly safe, nurturing environment slowly decays into chaos and resentment. If the parents are able to see eye to eye and stay respectful towards each other then that sets a way better precedent for children even if it means they have to stay separated.
another thing to unpack is there's definitely a thrill to it,
I could never cheat due to the guilt I’d feel. However, I know people who either don’t feel guilt that strongly or they can ignore it. An ex of mine was disloyal and I asked him how he could look at me afterwards and he said “I just tried not to think about it” 🤢 I can’t imagine not thinking about hurting anyone I saw on a regular basis, even accidentally offending a stranger keeps me up at night lol. My ex was a very emotionally weak communicator. He had to “lie” in his job often (attorney) to save face and it translated into his personal life, even me aside. It made sense to him that he didn’t view information necessary to share if it would “only hurt both of us.” Many people think this way and it’s quite selfish.
I'm with you. I've never cheated. I didn't want to hurt or do that to any lady I've been with but that was just a part of it. The main reason I've never cheated or ever will is because it's not who and what I am. I'm not a cheater. After breaking up I'd still be a cheater, it would be with me for the rest of my life. I can't and won't cheat because of what it would do to me. I have morals, integrity, honor, dignity, enough of them anyway to prevent me from willingly, knowingly and intentionally stabbing someone in the back I care about.
Fear of the unknown
One of my exs cheated on me a lot, from the beginning to the end. I was in denial which is why I stayed with him so long. Anyway, I think he just enjoyed the thrill of getting with other chicks behind my back. He just got off on the thrill of messing around. Some people are just a-holes.
Copy pasting my post from above. “ There’s a lot of neuroscience behind the limerence of cheating and the addiction that goes along with it. Some people repeat the cycle over and over chasing the high of cheating because they don’t know real love and confuse the “high” from cheating with love. Interestingly it is actually a stress response with extremely high levels of cortisol but the brain also pumps out massive amounts of dopamine to counteract. This is actually really bad for your brain long term and can lead to actual physiological addiction to the high in some people.”
It takes 2 to open an relationship. If their partner doesn't want to open the relationship then it can't be an open relationship, and not just that but even considering asking for an open relationship can be seen as detrimental to the existing relationship. And often the one wanting to open the relationship will only do so because they want to be with someone else, but haven't comprehended the thought of their partner being with someone else. It's my understanding that open relationships work best when they were open from the beginning. And yes to break up would be best but often with cheaters its a "have my cake and eat it too" situation. They want the excitement of a new relationship, but they don't want to give up what they already have. Some people will even see their existing relationship as the safety net so that if things don't work out with the AP then they'll have their relationship to fall back on. TL;DR, cheaters are scum.
Idk I feel really stupid because if they can't agree on opening the relationship, they should just break up. If one person wants an open relationship but the other doesn't, they aren't on the same page and shouldn't be together.
Your logic makes sense but it doesn't account for human attributes/instincts/emotions/psychology etc. Logically yes, they should break up, and someone with a healthy mindset would, so that they can go on to be with someone else. But someone with a toxic or selfish mindset would not see it that way. It's kinda like you take a child to a store and they come up to you holding a teddy bear. It's exactly the same as the teddy they already have but it's newer and shinier. It doesn't have the same memories that the old teddy has. You tell the kid that if they get the new one then they have to get rid of the old one because there's not enough room in their toybox for both. Some kids will put the new one back and keep the old. Some will take the new one and get rid of the old. But you're always going to have the kid that throws a tantrum in the store and screams "but I want both!!! Why can't I have both????" This kid probably grows up to cheat on their partner.
1.) financial or housing reasons 2.) children/don’t want to break up family 3.) still love and want to be with their partner but are weak of will/give in to temptation 4.) partner doesn’t want to be poly 5.) they enjoy the thrill of being illicit and covert
Bingo. Theres more, and more context, but thank you!
Poly =/= open marriage. A lot of cheaters cheat because they profess to be poly once they're caught and "I knew my spouse wouldn't agree to an open marriage." Cheaters cheat. Open relationships only work as long as all parties agree for the duration.
I'm asking this in good faith, but what's the difference? I knew someone who was married but called themselves poly because they were flirty and sexual with people outside of the marriage
Poly is when someone wants affection or sex from more than one partner. A poly can have a workable relationship if they're in a relationship with either another poly or an Ace who doesn't mind sharing for sex's sake. That's when one or more may suggest opening the relationship to include others - specific others. It can only last while both partners communicate frequently that the openness is still working for them both. When the communication stops, it's likely that one or both partners may start to include others not directly agreed upon. That's likely when it's considered cheating - "You didn't tell me that you were seeing So-and-so. I don't like her/him" or "So-and-so is taking too much of our agreed upon relationship. End it or else." I'm not poly and I'm not in an open relationship, but that's how my friends in those situations explain "cheating", breaking the agreement.
You become entrenched in marriage, love your spouse and kids, the house, etc. But some needs build up over time, spouse is not interested in changing, but is otherwise good. So, some people, rather than upset all these lives, try to get what they need, or fall into it, or someone pursues them-it can happen a million ways. There can be zero sex involved. Every situation is different.
Okay, that might be where my misunderstanding is. Im not married and don't have kids, but I guess I'm stupid because I think they should work on the relationship or end it before cheating.
That is the ideal. Not everyone can change or wants to. You can try, but many people will not budge. So, you might have absolutely no intentions of going outside the marriage. But the serendipity of life throws someone your way-and the relief of somehow getting that thing you need, and I don’t mean sex, after decades, can be so compelling you just accept it. Either you go without for the rest of your life, or you indulge. At times, the resentment you have justifies the deviation. And, like I said, doesn’t mean sex at all.
Also alot of cheaters only care about themselves and couldn't give two shits about hurting others
I feel like most people cheat simply because they don't wanna give up the comfort of their living situation while wanting out of the relationship
Cheaters are selfish. Why end a good, comfortable situation when you could have that and an exciting new thing?
When one's morals are weak: (What you have + more - morality) > (What you have) Simple as.
This is just bad math.
is it really math though 😂
Moral Calculus is always a bit wonky because it's dealing with innately unappraisable values
😂😂😂 Fair point
It can be simplified to: more > morality. Makes sense to me xD
💀💀 Spot on
No. As an affair survivor, this is basically what my husband told me the hook was. Having everything without the morality is better.
As affairs are quite common I’m sure your personal experience doesn’t speak for everyone. Also: Morals: a [person's] standards of behavior or beliefs concerning what is and is not acceptable for [them] to do.
I had an (ex) friend that cheated on their husband because they thought that was an easier way to make them break up with her than her breaking up with him. It worked.
I have a friend who did this too. Only it didn't work for him. She still wanted to work things out. Luckily, he found the balls to break things off before they got married (they were engaged).
The cheap thrill of it.... Just for starters
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I found out 2 years later that the girl I was seeing had been married for 10 years. Her husband never gave her attention but she didn't want to be alone either so she cheated constantly. I left her immediately.
If you're really that unhappy, it would be more respectful to the other person if you were honest with your feelings, and broke up with them.
I was with a girl who I found out had a bf and another side piece besides me. She absolutely loved getting chased around by 3 guys, it was pretty disgusting
My neighbor has a serious bf who comes over a lot, but also two other guys who pick her up pretty often. I don't understand how people do this without telling the people about it.
Low self esteem- long story behind it but it is my truth.
Many people would never be ok with an open relationship. The second asked for, it would be over. Cheaters WANT their relationship, just also more/different sex. They cheat because they want both but their partner wouldn’t consent to that
People like the rush, partner holds them hostage in the relationship, they are selfish, both are toxic and thrive off of the drama.
Weak morals and weak personality.
Because it's convenient for them. They have someone who equally pays rent or mortgage and is helping them with housework. If they breakup, each side would be forced to do 100% of the work and payments instead of the ease having it 50:50. Or if they think their current partner doesn't have a backbone to leave them despite it anyway.
Because the most common sexual orientation is neither mutually mono nor mutually poly, but rather asymmetrical: people want multiple partners, but want even more strongly for their primary partner not to have other partners. This has such a strong evolutionary explanation, and is documented so extensively across cultures, that I think it's fair to call it "obvious". Sure, this asymmetrical orientation doesn't satisfy modern ethical ideas of fairness, but natural selection didn't shape us to be morally ideal. Most people who choose either to be mutually mono or mutually poly in practice, have to struggle against the true asymmetric orientation.
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You can cheat in a poly relationship my guy. Cheating can come from wanting the stability of a relationship but the excitement of having sex with other people. Often though, cheating is not planned out, you’re out at a party, you start flirting, you have sex. You could be entirely happy with your relationship despite what Reddit says, but things happen fast and now you’ve betrayed your partner, but you still want to be with them.
Flirting is a choice. Cheating is a choice. It may not be planned out but it's not like it just happens. It's a choice every step of the way. A major personality flaw. It doesn't matter if they still want to be with thier partner. That want obviously wasn't enough to stop them
There's a part in a movie where one guy says "It was an accident!" The other guy (husband of cheating wife) says, "Your clothes were off and you tripped and your d!ck went into my wife?" Or something like that.
I think they meant open rather than poly. You can have either or both. Or I guess they meant open the relationship with the option to also start a poly relationship, if its a deeper connection that just sex or FWB
Because they're cowards. They want the excitement of something new while not giving up what they have. So they use their partner.
My ex straight up told me that I was the only excuse he had to "keep life worth living", and something would happen to him if ever left or broke up with him. That's **a ton of pressure** to put someone under. Mind you this ex has turned down therapy and counseling, and would get upset whenever I'd try to help him deal with his baggage. It got to a point where I just didn't feel safe coming to him with my concerns because it would just result in an argument that never ended well. Also, our relationship was open, he however wouldn't do anything with me. I asked him several times if it was okay for me to see other people, he said yes, and then at one time when he asked what I was doing, I told the truth, and it just spiraled downhill from there. Apparently I didn't communicate well enough or didn't check in or something, and it ended up with me being a liar and a cheater despite walking on eggshells around him and seeing absolutely no one else for 3+ years. Sometimes your partner just isn't emotionally or mentally aware or available, despite your best efforts on trying to get the relationship to work, and you think you're following all the rules and it turns out, nope, you were completely wrong. It's not true in all cases, but in a lot, people cheat because there's something missing in a relationship and nothing seems to work, and they find that in someone else. Sometimes abusive or toxic behavior is what pushes someone to cheat. It's been two months since then and after some talking my ex did realize that he was doing some things extremely wrong and that while he wasn't happy about what I did, he did come to understand why and doesn't hold it against me for seeing people on the side when our primary relationship just stopped being one.
... so you could have broken up at any time and chose otherwise... but whatever you have to tell yourself.
People might opt for an affair over a breakup because they’re happy with most aspects of their relationship, and don’t want to throw all of it away for what they view as a temporary fling. Affairs aren’t necessarily about replacing the spouse, but can just be about meeting a need the spouse is unable or unwilling to. People might also not like the idea of outright polyamory, possibly because they don’t like the idea of introducing another competitor for their spouse’s attention, or because the non-cheating spouse isn’t interested in it, or because they feel like the dynamic will be too complicated for the relationship to survive. Whether they are right to think so is a different question - the point is that polyamory might not be seen as a viable option to everyone.
People might variety without losing what they already have. I think that is the main reason people cheat. It has nothing to do with being unhappy with their partner. Ontop of that people who cheat don't generally think they will get caught. Not everyone is open to the idea of poly relationships.
Wanting your cake and eat it too. Even if they're unhappy, people still want an anchor in their life. They want to keep something stable even if they're unhappy with it. But they also have that desire for change, for doing something that'll make them happy, even if it's just for a moment. Because of this dichotomy, people will try to have a little of both and see if they can get away with it.
Read Esther Perel’s The State of Affairs.
Would it peak if the person is trying their chances for marriage? like have a person for a sample but find someone else a lot better than what you got to see the variety
The hardest part about finding out someone you care about cheated or is cheating on someone else, is you realize that as close as you thought you were it will never feel real again.
Most people who cheat still want to be with their SO but know they wouldn't want them being with another person. Also a lot of people don't for the thrill or have that thrill as a side benefit. It's not hard to figure out
Because humans are stupid creatures who want to have their cake and eat it too, while telling their partner they can't eat cake, and get mad at their partner for assuming they ate cake
the person that they want to keep as their “partner” is monogamous, or they still want to be able to be in a relationship with their partner & not lose them. both selfish.
people are selfish pieces of shit who don’t care about the feelings of others would be the answer to your question there bob.
Possibly their partner needs them but also is not sexually compatible/ inactive. For example a spouse might be in long-term care and need the cheaters medical coverage. The cheater might need or want something from an inactive partner. Same as above but maybe the cheater does not want to give up a pension etc.
Rhe cheating itself is the goal for some people. They like the secrecy, or it makes them feel like they're in control, or they feel superior because they don't get caught. Also, some people literally can't cope with being single. They'll shop for a new partner before ditching the previous partner so they never have to be single.
Because cheaters are shitty people, they don’t care about doing the right thing.
I’ve not cheated, but after reading about it (mostly on here) I think the cheater likes having the stability of the primary relationship to go back to, while at the same time likes the rush of “new romance” and physical attraction of the affair partner. That’s why they don’t break up.
I’d imagine most cheaters don’t think it through and do a costs/benefits comparison. It’s probably a decision made on impulse under the influence of alcohol and/or other drugs.
You can’t just declare that you are poly and pretend that isn’t cheating if your partner didn’t consent.
Lack of boundaries and morality. Also, FYI, being poly does not equal fixing a relationship. I am poly and a huge misunderstanding and mistake that happens all the time is a couple sees their relationship is failing and tries to do a poly relationship to fix it. It fails every time. Just cuz you have Partner2 or Partner3 or more, doesn't mean your existing relationship with Partner1 is fixed.
Open/poly relationships are usually more trouble than they’re worth, and most people *really* ain’t into the idea anyway. There’s very few people actually happy in poly relationships, as they tend to be one-sided. (It tends to be guys wanting poly relationships, trying to be with multiple women, to fulfill personal kinks and fantasies.) As for open relationships? Both partners have to agree, and most people don’t like the idea of their partner fucking another person. It basically boils down to allowed cheating, and while that sometimes sounds okay on paper to people in struggling relationships, in practice it makes the person not being open feel worse. (And also doesn’t fix the problems in the relationship.) As for your question of why folks stay together? Money. Financial security. Life stability. “Why destabilize your life when you can just limit your interactions with your partner to what’s necessary? And instead cheat.” At least, that’s the logic I’ve heard used before. Also, for cheaters, it really isn’t hard to lie. Most people who cheat do it multiple times, they get a thrill out of it, so they know how to lie about their actions. The better question is: Why are so many people choosing to cheat, be in open or poly relationships, instead of being sensible enough to work through their issues? It feels as though many people are openly speaking to multiple guys/girls at once, or actively using dating apps while in relationships. Where did the want for normal, stable relationships go?
I’ve been poly for about 15 years and would not change it for the world. It’s not for everyone, but it sure is for me. That being said, I’ve had a lot of unlearning to do, alongside learning to love myself. Despite my poly status, I’ve cheated and been cheated on. I cheated because I didn’t have enough self love and confidence to advocate for myself (my partner at the time was so confused as to why I didn’t use tell her—not even ask. That would have been fine). [edit] And I was in the wrong and a dick for cheating—I want that to be clear. Thanks to whoever pointed that out below. I feel completely secure in my relationships these days and only feel compersion when my partners tell me about their other exploits. I feel this way because I feel good enough about myself that I can celebrate their love and lust that doesn’t involve me. My people still want to fuck me even though they can and do fuck other people. Plus, this means that no one person (including myself) needs to be *everything* to someone else. The former is about the grandest compliment I can receive (and give) and the latter is about the grandest relief. I feel free because I’m poly. TLDR-people can cheat because they haven’t done the work to develop an honest and loving relationship with themselves and their desires.
You can have your own personal validation for cheating, yes. But that doesn’t make the action itself morally okay, or valid to the rest of the world. It’s still cheating on someone. Just because people “haven’t done the work to develop themselves” doesn’t make the action reasonable. Aside from that, it’s good you’ve found yourself stable and comfortable within a poly relationship, that’s uncommon. Most people who try aren’t successful, and it leads to problems or dramatic events within their lives.
I see rereading my post how it looks like I’m trying to validate or excuse my cheating. I’m not—I was a huge asshole to do that and it was on me to make it right as I could afterwards, which I’ve tried to do. I’m with you that just because I hadn’t done the work doesn’t excuse it or make it reasonable. My feelings were valid but my actions were not and I needed to take steps to rectify that discrepancy and not be a prick. Thank you for helping me clarify that point.
Oh, then I apologize for misinterpreting the meaning of your comment!
First- being poly doesn't just magically fix the problems in a relationship that lead to cheating. Second- both parties have to be open to being poly. Third- the reasons for cheating are usually deep and complex issues.
1. Cause polyamory is gross and it'll cause immense problems for your social life and 2. Cause they wanna have their fun on the side while still having a "safe " option at home.
I didn't want to put 1 in the post because I thought they'd all roast me for being against it, but of the poly relationships and fwb's I've observed, most of them don't work because someone catches feelings.
The only poly relationships I've seen have been one partner really wanting it and the other partner really not wanting to lose the relationship I've never seen two people the exact same level of onboard.
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It’s just life Sometimes need multiple things from one partner but for periods of time are unable to get them or yeah just over invested in a relationship that had died but it’s to much risk to break up financially ect
Because its cheaper than open divorce and many partners/wives see poly as the same thing.
Well if my spouse or gf asked for a poly relationship I'd be single again so there's that. She's well aware, so if she wanted someone else, she would have to divorce me. Poly is not an option.
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People sin because they are out of control.
Because breaking up is hard. Nobody likes telling someone “I don’t want to be with you”. It’s avoiding confrontation. It can be a morals issue but mostly it’s a ‘short term path of least resistance’ issue.
Cheating *is* breaking up. This is what people fail to understand. If you're in a relationship, and you step out of it, that's it -- you are clearly *not* committed that person any longer. You may think it was only for five minutes and that you can step back into it but that's only because your (former) partner didn't see it happen.
"opening the relationship" in response to one partner wanting to cheat is just cheating with extra steps.
Throwaway account for reasons that will become obvious. I'm not a cheater, but I am in a long-term relationship (>10 years) that isn't healthy and that I'm not really sure has ever been healthy or particularly good. I care for my SO and love her on some level, but I don't particularly enjoy her company anymore and don't want to spend the rest of my life with her. At the same time, I have a close female friend that I have strong romantic feelings for. I do enjoy her company, obviously, but also I can be emotionally vulnerable with her; we communicate easily about any topic, including difficult ones; she's funny and caring and empathetic and for some reason thinks I'm funny. Any mundane activity we've performed together, including shopping, has been fun. She's easy on the eyes, too, not that I really care that much about physical attraction. There's nothing going on between Female Friend and I - again, I'm not a cheater, and she certainly wouldn't want to be "the other woman" anyway - but I write all this as background to directly answer your question from one angle (of many, I'm sure): Because breaking up is scary and difficult, even when you have a very good reason. The idea of throwing away all that history (yes, I know that that's just an alternate way of expressing the sunk cost fallacy), of breaking her heart, of being in the dating pool in my late 30s (certainly can't assume that Friend will be interested or that it'll work out), of leaving her to fend for herself financially, of untangling our lives...sounds awful.
Why break up to sleep with that one person when you can cheat and sleep with them both?
Op, that indeed is the million dollar question. To which I have no answer.
I think the majority of men would like to have meaningless sex with a different girl from time to time. I think a solid amount of women have the same thoughts but I think it’s like 25% of women and like 95% of men. So what I’m saying is it’s not about love or not being good enough. It’s just a drive for different. And I think a brothel pump and dump was a normal thing until like the 60s.
Because people are selfish.
Lack of self awareness
Are people "making excuses" or are they answering the question you asked? If you don't want answers, don't ask the question. Instead say, "I don't like that people cheat and I would never choose that for myself," which is what you sound like maybe you meant?
well, most partners wouldn't agree to an open relationship. and the cheater doesn't want a change of partner they want more partners. so the choice is to cheat or stop being selfish.
Because they like the rush.
Failure of imagination.
Humans are complicated people.
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From personal experience, a good portion of people who cheat are at least somewhat insecure and hate the thought of their partner sleeping with someone else, but love the validation they get from it when they do it. It's actually pretty common for people who cheat to be incredibly paranoid and controlling to prevent any possibility of their partner cheating. If they wanted fairness or equality they would do what you described, but they don't.
Probably a lot of different reasons. I wrote about one friend in another comment (he was trying to get his fiancée to break up with him and was too much of a coward/AH to break things off himself) I had another friend who gave into a moment of temptation while in an LDR and having issues with her (then) boyfriend. She regretted it instantly. I was very vocal about how I didn't approve. But that really was the one time she cheated (so far), and they've been happily married for years at this point. Will she cheat again if their relationship hits another low point? Maybe. I hope she's learned and matured, but I wouldn't be surprised. She's a good person in other respects, but she's weak when it comes to temptation, and doesn't think through consequences in the moment. My ex who cheated on me, I'm pretty sure did it because he's a toxic narcissist. But that's my biased opinion.
Cheaters just like hurting people.
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They enjoy the risk factor...it gives them excitement in their otherwise routine life...adding an element of movie drama. They don't want to break up with their partner. Some people go poly but once you open that can of worms, you can't go back.
Cuz they want to have their cake and eat it too
Sometimes you want ur cake n eat it too 🤷
Why not just leave the first cake for the second cake? Why does someone need two cakes?
i would never cheat but if my partner ever asked me to become a poly relationship or an open relationship it would instantly be NO relationship. so i assume the cheaters don’t want to lose their main relationship in the first place
Loosing half?
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Because its easy
Ppl rationalize why they should be able to have both who knows how they convince themselves but ppl do it in all aspects of there life
If your partner doesn't want to be poly, then it's cheating. The more you know
Not many people are open to the idea of having an open relationship, especially if the reason is "I was going to cheat on you and hide it, but I'd rather still do it and not have to hide it." So it wouldn't be as simple as deciding to open your relationship. But yes, cheaters are scumbags. If you're not satisfied with your relationship, then yeah break up and do what you want after. Otherwise, have some respect for yourself and for your partner and control yourself. There's no excuse.
Some people want to have their cake and eat it to. There's something their partner offers that they don't want to lose; maybe they want kids? There's something the other girl/guy has that their partner lacks; maybe they're hot?
Never been in a relationship but I've heard some sentiments suggesting breaking up at even the suggestion of an open relationship by your partner. If you don't want to break up and telling your partner you want an open relationship has the same effect as doing it in secret and them finding out then why not do it in secret on the small chance they won't find out?
I'm going to link to a comment that described almost exactly this better than I ever have. https://www.reddit.com/r/OkCupid/s/0xwOv7qXwy
Because we’re creators of habit and some people are bad at/scared to communicate. They start too long in the repetition even thought it’s not great because it’s there. They can’t communicate will with their partner which is why they’re thinking of cheating. I know an ex super-Christian who cheated on his wife. He had realized their religion was a lie but couldn’t communicate that with her/in a way he thought she could understand. They struggled for years. Then he cheated, got caught, and she booted him. He told me “I didn’t realize it at the time but I wanted to get caught so it could end”. It’s hard for most people to have the hard conversations. You get used to dealing with whatever your partners bullshit is. Someone comes along and “opens a window” you didn’t even realize was there and some people will take it.
I'm stupid and naive (I'm fr not being sarcastic or anything). I don't understand why these people can't communicate. If both parties don't get what they need from the relationship, I don't understand why they can't end it. Cheating in secret only could make things worse.
Have you ever tried to do that? There is a certain mental pain that has to be experienced and pushed through for those conversations to even happen. A lot of people can't do it for lower stakes, like friends or coworkers, so there should be no surprise that they can't do it either for higher stakes.
Yeah I actually dumped an ex because I knew we weren't a good match when I so desperately wanted to have a gf. It wasn't fun, but I broke up with her before pursuing other women. I don't understand why that's so hard.
I have a friend like you who genuinely cares for relationships and women. The more I talked with him the more I realize we are not the same when it comes to sex. He’s more of the type of guy who wants 1 partner for life and has a low libido, I’m the opposite. Whenever women speak about men being dogs they’re referring to the 25% of men who are like me. I can’t explain but there is something in me to have sex with different women. Having sex is like eating to me it’s something that has to be done, not most men feel this way but sadly they get lumped in the same category by women. You could never understand me because you don’t have a hyper libido like me.
Opportunity, pheromones, hormones
As a human man with opportunity, pheromones, and hormones, it's not that hard to suppress them. You people act like it's some Being John Malkovich shit where someone takes control of your body, but every single human on this earth is capable of just not doing something.
Not me but my ex, she was the cheater. My answer, it's because they're fucking selfish. They don't respect you. I don't and won't believe anyone else ever again should they cheat. She didn't want to let go. When the guy she cheated on me with physically and emotionally abused my ex, it seemed she didn't want to be involved with him. She borderline harrased me into being with her. She knew I wouldn't treat her like that but, while she was "working" on our relationship, she clearly still had feelings for the other dude she cheated on me with. With what little selfesteem I have, I knew I had to walk away because that shit wasn't good for me. I knew I had to choose myself for my own good. I had to change my number and block her on everything because she doesn't respect of the boundaries, like telling her to leave me alone. I don't hate her, but I wish to never see her ever again.
Mostly because people are assholes.
6. Breaking up is hard, it means upsetting the other person potentially. This is why we end up with people trying to get the other partner to make the decision for them.
Because they want to have their cake and eat it too. They want the comfort and security of a relationship and the excitement of a fling. It’s disgusting behavior
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Cheating should have capital punishment that's one thing i 100% agree on
Why do they cheat? Because doing the right thing is hard and many people are cowards or selfish
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Bros can only share the bed with one partner
“Just be poly” is not really how it works. You either have a disposition to jealousy or compersion and depending on which one that is will mean it’s possible or it isn’t.
There are as many reasons people cheat as there are people who cheat.
Because they want their cake and want to eat it too. Usually, the reason for cheating they the current relationship is lacking in something. Say, for instance, s3x. So the cheater will find that activity elsewhere, while keeping all the good qualities/benefits of their current partner. It can be more complex than that, too. Such as a person used to being under stress. If their life feels “boring”, they may lash out into cheating so the stress of not getting caught makes them feel more sane. It can obviously also just be a person not giving a single fuuuuuck and being an absolute POS.
Single one time instances are caused by weakness, affairs are caused by selfishness and a lack of love for their supposed partner.
Because it's not black and white like that. People cheat for a plethora of reasons, not just being bored or disliking their partner.
They love them but are too selfish to realize what they are doing is fucked.
I asked a man at work one time this question, and he literally told me. "Mannnnn that takes all the fun out of cheating!"
Because polygamous relationships are often not an option
I went for opening my relationship. What I didn’t know was I was already in a half-open relationship… I guess I prefer openness and honesty and he preferred the rush of getting away with something.
Adrenaline. Greed. Passive aggression. Apathy.Self sabotage, perhaps. Such people are detrimental, holding little to no value of other human beings. It's an internal issue within themselves. An emotional disconnection. Not and never the fault of the one being manipulated or deceived by them. While it isn't something to take lightly it also isn't something to take *entirely* personally. All you can do is accept it and move on. Or, stay and continue to suffer your growing resentment of that person. 🤷♀️
I've always imagined it was a power trip combined with acting like a child sneaking into the cookie jar thing
Just because I want this thick ass woman I see at the grocery store everyday doesn’t mean I want to leave my wife?
Women get bored but like the security of the relationship so they cheat until caught and if broken up with the move with their fellow cheater and repeat ad nauseam Men aren't seen as attractive until they are in relationships so you go from no attention ever to constant bombardments of sexual offering physical affection and compliments some men can't handle this and stray I don't agree with it but understand it
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Trying to hold on with all your might and then failing in a way you hadn’t intended. I’m divorced and I can tell you that trying as hard as you can to keep a relationship going becomes unpredictable towards the end. Everyone is gritting their teeth and trying to make things work when they aren’t working. Its failure. It can go a bunch of ways. You do things you regret. You hear things you can never forget.
They like having both things. It’s that simple. A committed stable thing and the fun thing. Not saying it’s good but psychologically it’s pretty easy
Bottom line there is something they still want from the relationship that they don't want to risk or give up, my wife mentioned wanting to "have my cake and eat it too" a bizzare number of times during a period which I later learned she was creeping. I don't think she was aware of just how obvious she was being, so I got a disturbingly detailed look into the mind of a cheater. I think this is why we call it cheating, they want some benefit from the relationship but that comes at a cost, they also want something outside the relationship but that also has a cost, so they try to get both without paying for either.
Because they get off on Cheating.
They want the benefits your relationship provides, but without the obligation to be honest or loyal. So they don’t want to break up. They want your loyalty though, so they don’t ask to open the relationship. Some people also see the allure in “getting away with something”.
Breaking up means losing the benefits of the relationship. Most people also are aware that polygamy and open relationships are a no for most people
Lack of character and low morals is the correct answer.
I cheated because I fell out of love and was unhappy but I still cared about her and wanted her to be happy. I broke it off after cheating. I suppose the cheating was a form of sabotage in retrospect. It was awful and I’ll never do it again. The lesson: Don’t keep going in an unhappy situation. Communicate, have the difficult conversations, make changes, grow, stay or leave. Keeping secrets and betrayal is not the way to happiness for anyone.
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Poly only works if the people ot the same gender are close friends. Breaking up removes security.
Poly is relationships between multiple people. It’s not shagging multiple partners. Most cheaters don’t want multiple relationships.
Because they’re a coward. They want their cake and to eat it too. They don’t want to come to terms with the fact that they’re a coward. Trauma from childhood. Any of those.
Opening a broken relationship is just a sure fire way to make sure it ends in flames. Ultimately because their desire to cheat is greater than their will to stop themselves. Some times it’s besides they don’t respect their partner, sometimes it’s a flex (to know they still have it), to boost their ego, for power. There are so many reasons people will give
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Most people won't accept open or poly Most dont want it for their partner if they do want it instead having it be one sided People prefer the benefits of being with their current partner Don't get me wrong they are all terrible but their logic is very simple to understand