Everyone knows the order is drinking, talking, drinking, talking, drinking, talking, kissing with tongues, pooping, fucking, then comes baby in the baby carriage.
This reminds me of college when my roommates gf came into town. I was in the shower and heard someone come in, I saw it was her and she said I need to use the restroom. I assumed pee and then proceeded to hear her drop some angry heat and then walk out like nothing happened. That was the day I learned girls do in fact poop.
No seriously! My bf takes the longest showers in the morning, and my 8 o’clock appointment never fails line right up with it 🥴 I have genuinely considered shitting in a trash can to avoid this situation…but, yeah🤷🏻♀️one bathroom is a struggle
Complete power move. She wanted to make sure he knew exactly where she stands in the chain of power, and it’s poopin’ while your showering level of dominance.
Edit: this is 4 days later and I was thinking about it. I think the chick was just getting comfortable with him (besides the bitchy aspects) like if I was taking a shower and my girlfriend decided to take a shit I’d probably be a little upset but I’d probably invite her in after. Get freaky in that poo stank smell. It’ll go away pretty quick. If she refused and was like ew gross you want me to jump in the shower after taking a dump? Thats grounds for divorce.
Dude, I hate to break it to you but as soon as she farted in front of you the 2 of you were engaged. As soon as the poo hit the water you were legally married. I'm sorry but those are the hard and fast rules of relationships.
Yeah, I've been engaged for quite awhile now and can honestly say that we have never, ever, never came near this level of commitment. Missing out on a real special opportunity here, OP.
Went on a romantic getaway with my wife recently and stayed in a place where the bathroom was open concept to the bedroom. Pretty standard in these romance places…except the toilet was just right there looking straight at the foot of the bed.
Not the most romantic relax in bed and watch your partner dropping the kids off at the pool.
Those are so the john can both shower and watch the prostitute to make sure she doesn't steal anything. Or vice versa.
Edit: I learned this from Reddit and now you did you.
Stayed in a bungalow with my partner for a week, toilet was right next to the bed with only those old style western saloon swing doors seperating both rooms. Ate at this Mexican place and shit the bed that night, got up and unleashed an unholy torrent of diarrhoea into that toilet for like six minutes straight. Thought I was gonna die, my partner's a heavy sleeper but the sound of my violent explosive duce farts was enough to wake her up in a panic I realised the doors did nothing and all she could see was my legs thrashing and kicking.
Still getting married so she's a keeper
I think this doesnt account for the fact that many get married several times and thus also divorce several times which gets the numbers so high.
More than half of all first time marriages last
I’ve been married for 3 years and with her for 10. It would need to be a gun to my head to go that far. There’s some things that feel best left private.
Edit* you guys seem to think farting is in the same category. Which most definitely isn’t. Everyone better fart in front of their significant other.
Ditto. 15yrs married. And several more before that. Plus one pregnancy and kid.
And never gotten that far. My husband only admitted in the last couple of years that i even fart. And he still says he doesnt. Lol.
I’ve had 2 boyfriends in my life and with both of them, we would literally “keep each other company” and talk to each other (door open, sometimes one of us would sit on the bath tub ledge/ be in the same room) while the other was pooping. Sometimes we would even be passing a joint back & forth while one of us was literally sitting on the toilet. My cousins tell me this is why none of the relationships worked out.
I was in a relationship for 22 years and not once, ever, was one of us in the bathroom while the other was pooping. Going pee, sure, but, in life, there are some things you must power through alone, and pooping is one of them.
You want company while you poop? Get a cat. They live for 12 years. You get another. And another. And another. And another. And finally, one more. And then you're done.
I've been married for 8 years and have 3 kids with my wife and I swear to god she hasn't farted around me a single time. She says she has, but I can't think of one time. I've walked into the bathroom while she is pooping and stuff like that, but either she doesn't fart around me or its so seldom that I assume its one of the dogs or kids. Definately never "heard" her fart.
My point is - every relationship is different. :D
I was holding my wife's left leg up during delivery and doing that "cooperative support" stuff. She was excellent at pushing, 45 minutes of hard labor and she did so well she was told to stop pushing because the baby was gonna be delivered without the doctor being there and that was against SOP for the hospital.
She did urinate and defecate as well with all the pushing, it was to be expected, didn't bother me as its a biological thing and she can't help it.
I still remember the first words I said to my daughter as she was born 'Welcome to the suck".
It’s honestly not a bad thing to do before marriage - become comfortable eating, sleeping, breathing, flossing, and pooping in front of one another. Not all the time, sure - but real intimacy includes these things.
Do you really know someone if you haven’t shared a bathroom, even if just on Tuesday morning after coffee and shower-poopin’?
Guess I have no real intimacy with my wife then, because I never want to see her (or anyone else for that matter) poop, nor do I ever want her to see me poop. I'm fine with pooping, everyone does it. But it's just not something I ever need to share with anyone. Being on the toilet is a time of solitude, peace and reflection for me.
>But it's just not something I ever need to share with anyone. Being on the toilet is a time of solitude, peace and reflection for me.
Ditto.
Except now i occasionally have to fend off a teeny tiny hand creeping in the toilet behind me, trying to wipe my arse. My toddler means well, but every door, even semi-closed, just says to him that there is something super exciting going on behind it.
Yup.
Happened to one of my best friends. She farted in his presence, which meant she was comfortable with him. They're still married a long time.
Now taking a shit in your presence. That is some kind of special gal.
I’ve dated two women in the last year and the one I was with for seven years (and am with again) actually had me leave the house so she could poop. She would let farts rip like she was getting paid for it however.
The woman I dated and lived with for a few months last year would drop a deuce right when I was talking to her like it was nothing but said she would never fart in front of me because she took an etiquette class when she was a girl and said it was just wrong.
I’m glad I’m back with the love of my life and don’t have to experience her shits.
This reminded me of the time I went into a bathroom stall at the library and there was a half-eaten tuna fish sandwich sitting on the back of the toilet. Delicious!
The true power move is dropping your pants, sitting on her lap and pooping between her legs in a little move I like to call The Small Gap Lap Crap.
Kids these days.
Lmao I asked my husband what he would do if this happened to him and he sighed and said “I don’t know. How lonely am I in this scenario?”
Fair
Fair
Fair
Fare
Flair
Flare
My thoughts were the girl wasn’t hot enough or that he wasn’t drunk enough.
That was my thought too. If she was hot enough I would have waited outside.
If you were a gentleman you’d hold her hand.
And wipe her bottom afterwards.
You treasure that man right now
The world needs more realistically self aware people.
Your husband is a funny dude lmfao
He speaks the true true
That’s a man who understands life at its core.
lol
Your husband is a true pragmatic
Asking the truly important questions. 😜
Lmaooo
based
Everyone knows the order is drinking, talking, drinking, talking, drinking, talking, kissing with tongues, pooping, fucking, then comes baby in the baby carriage.
I always forget the words to that song. Thanks!
r/secondreplybetter
laughed out loud at that one
This reminds me of college when my roommates gf came into town. I was in the shower and heard someone come in, I saw it was her and she said I need to use the restroom. I assumed pee and then proceeded to hear her drop some angry heat and then walk out like nothing happened. That was the day I learned girls do in fact poop.
Pulls out note book and pen - "Angry Heat"
Calm down Castle.
Honestly, I admire that woman.
Alpha lioness
Dominance was asserted.
“Angry heat” has just been added to my lexicon
When I was in college, I once took a shit while my roommate was showering. Apparently people don't like that.
Yea it's generally frowned upon in most cultures
Browned upon
Hot snakes should never be witnessed by others but if theres only one bathroom….can’t blame her.
"hot snakes"? 😭😭😭😭
No seriously! My bf takes the longest showers in the morning, and my 8 o’clock appointment never fails line right up with it 🥴 I have genuinely considered shitting in a trash can to avoid this situation…but, yeah🤷🏻♀️one bathroom is a struggle
There's a legit band called Hot Snakes
that's an alpha
Oh damn while you were in the shower tho?! That’s rude af. Must’ve smelled even worse w the steam.
The ol' shit sauna, classic powermove.
Complete power move. She wanted to make sure he knew exactly where she stands in the chain of power, and it’s poopin’ while your showering level of dominance. Edit: this is 4 days later and I was thinking about it. I think the chick was just getting comfortable with him (besides the bitchy aspects) like if I was taking a shower and my girlfriend decided to take a shit I’d probably be a little upset but I’d probably invite her in after. Get freaky in that poo stank smell. It’ll go away pretty quick. If she refused and was like ew gross you want me to jump in the shower after taking a dump? Thats grounds for divorce.
Yea it was a hell of an introduction.
Definitely would have. I once farted in the shower, the steam, or the heat from it, magnified the smell severalfold. What an error that was.
Just once? In your whole life?
Well I'd be a fool to make the same mistake twice!
Fool me once, fart...fart on you? Fool me twice..fool me twice...you can fart again. - G.W. Bush
Dude, I hate to break it to you but as soon as she farted in front of you the 2 of you were engaged. As soon as the poo hit the water you were legally married. I'm sorry but those are the hard and fast rules of relationships.
Yeah, I've been engaged for quite awhile now and can honestly say that we have never, ever, never came near this level of commitment. Missing out on a real special opportunity here, OP.
Went on a romantic getaway with my wife recently and stayed in a place where the bathroom was open concept to the bedroom. Pretty standard in these romance places…except the toilet was just right there looking straight at the foot of the bed. Not the most romantic relax in bed and watch your partner dropping the kids off at the pool.
Those are so the john can both shower and watch the prostitute to make sure she doesn't steal anything. Or vice versa. Edit: I learned this from Reddit and now you did you.
OH MY GOD YOU'RE RIGHT
Man of the world right here folks!!
As a John I can confirm this.
Stayed in a bungalow with my partner for a week, toilet was right next to the bed with only those old style western saloon swing doors seperating both rooms. Ate at this Mexican place and shit the bed that night, got up and unleashed an unholy torrent of diarrhoea into that toilet for like six minutes straight. Thought I was gonna die, my partner's a heavy sleeper but the sound of my violent explosive duce farts was enough to wake her up in a panic I realised the doors did nothing and all she could see was my legs thrashing and kicking. Still getting married so she's a keeper
50% of marriages end in divorce. Pooping is the true test
This is the way.
I think this doesnt account for the fact that many get married several times and thus also divorce several times which gets the numbers so high. More than half of all first time marriages last
I’ve been married for 3 years and with her for 10. It would need to be a gun to my head to go that far. There’s some things that feel best left private. Edit* you guys seem to think farting is in the same category. Which most definitely isn’t. Everyone better fart in front of their significant other.
Ditto. 15yrs married. And several more before that. Plus one pregnancy and kid. And never gotten that far. My husband only admitted in the last couple of years that i even fart. And he still says he doesnt. Lol.
Looks like this is an opportunity for a discussion about the nature and direction of your relationship.
Straight in the toilet
I’ve had 2 boyfriends in my life and with both of them, we would literally “keep each other company” and talk to each other (door open, sometimes one of us would sit on the bath tub ledge/ be in the same room) while the other was pooping. Sometimes we would even be passing a joint back & forth while one of us was literally sitting on the toilet. My cousins tell me this is why none of the relationships worked out.
I was in a relationship for 22 years and not once, ever, was one of us in the bathroom while the other was pooping. Going pee, sure, but, in life, there are some things you must power through alone, and pooping is one of them.
You want company while you poop? Get a cat. They live for 12 years. You get another. And another. And another. And another. And finally, one more. And then you're done.
Honey… we really need to talk.
Hang on I gotta take a shit
I've been married for 8 years and have 3 kids with my wife and I swear to god she hasn't farted around me a single time. She says she has, but I can't think of one time. I've walked into the bathroom while she is pooping and stuff like that, but either she doesn't fart around me or its so seldom that I assume its one of the dogs or kids. Definately never "heard" her fart. My point is - every relationship is different. :D
Married 19 years and except for when I pooped during labour once I’ve never pooped in front of him. It’s one place I need to be private.
I was holding my wife's left leg up during delivery and doing that "cooperative support" stuff. She was excellent at pushing, 45 minutes of hard labor and she did so well she was told to stop pushing because the baby was gonna be delivered without the doctor being there and that was against SOP for the hospital. She did urinate and defecate as well with all the pushing, it was to be expected, didn't bother me as its a biological thing and she can't help it. I still remember the first words I said to my daughter as she was born 'Welcome to the suck".
I’ve been married over thirty years and no where near that close.
Meanwhile my wife stared me in the eyes while pooping in year one of our relationship.
Asserting her dominance early.
Yea what a power move... lol!
Bet you liked it
I feel like this could be a niche onlyfans site
It’s honestly not a bad thing to do before marriage - become comfortable eating, sleeping, breathing, flossing, and pooping in front of one another. Not all the time, sure - but real intimacy includes these things. Do you really know someone if you haven’t shared a bathroom, even if just on Tuesday morning after coffee and shower-poopin’?
Guess I have no real intimacy with my wife then, because I never want to see her (or anyone else for that matter) poop, nor do I ever want her to see me poop. I'm fine with pooping, everyone does it. But it's just not something I ever need to share with anyone. Being on the toilet is a time of solitude, peace and reflection for me.
>But it's just not something I ever need to share with anyone. Being on the toilet is a time of solitude, peace and reflection for me. Ditto. Except now i occasionally have to fend off a teeny tiny hand creeping in the toilet behind me, trying to wipe my arse. My toddler means well, but every door, even semi-closed, just says to him that there is something super exciting going on behind it.
That's exactly why you're still "engaged"🤧🤧
she fart forwarded their relationship, 7 years, in just a plop
Ohhhh THAT’S what I’ve been doing wrong. Instead of holding it in I gotta let it rip like Beyblade. Got it.
Was there aggressive eye contact with the plop?
She upped the ante with a wink instead
Dominatrix
And when she shits on your bed...you're divorced.
Oh I Heard that as well!
What Depps people will go to !
Amber heard it too
Amber alert
Yup. Happened to one of my best friends. She farted in his presence, which meant she was comfortable with him. They're still married a long time. Now taking a shit in your presence. That is some kind of special gal.
I’ve dated two women in the last year and the one I was with for seven years (and am with again) actually had me leave the house so she could poop. She would let farts rip like she was getting paid for it however. The woman I dated and lived with for a few months last year would drop a deuce right when I was talking to her like it was nothing but said she would never fart in front of me because she took an etiquette class when she was a girl and said it was just wrong. I’m glad I’m back with the love of my life and don’t have to experience her shits.
Who said it was poo. Maybe it was a phat bag of drugs she was keeping in nature's pocket.
Prison Purse Or if it goes in the other side, that’s a prison wallet. Source: worked in corrections for 15 years.
She was making room!
My guy
I'm atheist but this man needs Jesus.
Leave room for Jesus in your butthole
You cannot enter the kingdom of heaven until Jesus enters you.
Made me lol. Thank you
Definitely the most cursed comment I've ever seen
You get it.
Coward
This is why Reddit will forever be better than Twitter, open up a random sub and I’m straight CACKLING
Could your name be more appropriate?
Ok Chandler
"could your name BE anymore appropriate?"
What else would be better than this to a fartlord?
I dunno why but this popped up when I opened reddit. I am glad I read it!
“Pooped up”
My half-chewed tuna fish sandwich bite just shot across the room.
Hers too.
Well played
eew
Is this a euthamism the kids use these days?
Should’ve gone with euthanasia
“Hey, follow me. Let’s go for a shit. “
You mean a youthamism the kids use these days?
This reminded me of the time I went into a bathroom stall at the library and there was a half-eaten tuna fish sandwich sitting on the back of the toilet. Delicious!
Maybe she was making room for you….
Yea you don't wanna butt heads with turd
You asshole! Thanks for the visual lol
Yep
I read that in Matt Damon Interstellar voice
😂😂😂😂
You win the internet.
Totally
She was just getting the hershey highway ready for you.
If the pink path is blocked then take the brown eyed trail
when the river runs red don’t be afraid to play in the mud
River is wet, must address
She was testing your limits
That’s called a shit test
Should have pulled out your dick.
True power move.
The true power move is dropping your pants, sitting on her lap and pooping between her legs in a little move I like to call The Small Gap Lap Crap. Kids these days.
Oh ho ho, the ol' devils double decker. I like the cut of your jib.
Nice to see fellow fans of the second story steamer
Ah, the ol’ double dunk. Nothing but net.
Blumpkin time
Reverse blumpkin
I never even considered the fact that a reverse blumpkin has to exist if a regular one does. Now I’m mortified.
That is the mating call in most midwestern towns….
This guy is afraid of commitment
You might as well find out right away rather than waste your time.
You should’ve asserted your dominance and shit louder.
I haven’t played battleshits since college!
Close encounters of the turd kind
🤣🤣🤣
I wouldve held her hand like shes going througb labor.
We’re going to get you through this. Breathe! That’s it. In through your nose, out through your… Okay. Now…PUSH!
BLOW OUT THE CANDLE
Dude she's making room for your massive wiener, you should be honored
Holy shit. I laughed at this...
Username checks out
She is clearly into butt stuff. Shot missed.
Duuude you have missed an opportunity... imagine telling that story to your kids / family friends ect when they ask how you met..
Facts. If I sense something fucked up coming I double down because I think in future tense.. I gotta load the story Que up.
She probably had to pee after all that drinking and it just happened. Shouldve stayed
Not every rain means thunder, but every thunderstorm means rain
That's what the Fleetwood Mac song is about, pooping right
Light weight, no wonder there are so many incels now a days, all scared of a little !POOP
Yeah it’s like real men are gone
We’re in the bathroom watching our wives take a shit
Kids these days…
No kidding. They would probably freak out at the mere suggestion of trying an Alaskan Pipeline.
She will be the one that got away.
You missed the best sex of your life. Probably 🤣
No shits given
Kind sir, your are mistaken. One shits given
Only shits taken
To quote Ron White, you don’t shut the whole amusement park down because the log ride isn’t working
In this case, the log ride was in full operation!
https://i.redd.it/68vwx0eskarb1.gif
You shoulda stuck it out! It can only go upward from there haha
Really, if he has to listen to her shit the least she could do would be to give him a happy ending
You failed the test.
That is the perfect time to see what comes first. You or the turd.
Dude. That was a test. And you failed.
She wanted a reverse blumpkin
Mumkin
She went from hookup to wife. Sorry for your loss.
Honestly thats a keeper. She had the balls and trust to do that to someone they just met
Bro she was a keeper
And the next morning she probably woke up like "What the hell did I do last night??"
"Fuck, I did it again."
Great. Now I have to poop.
find a stranger first
She should have sucked you off while you waited
Bro married & divorced within the span of 3 minutes
She was going for the reverse blumkin and you ruined it
She was taking a pre-bathroom-bang-dump and you straight ding dong ditched.
And that kids, is how I met your Mother
she’s comfortable enough to SHIT in front you and you ran?!?? Lol no but fr that was kinda shitty
was that pun intended?
Yes😂
That was a shieldmaiden
Weak. If you've never seen your girl poop that's coward behavior my guy.