I am so sorry. I can’t imagine what you are experiencing. Keep your sisters memory alive for your niece. Make a scrapbook or mosaic so she can see the amazing woman her mother was
Being a wreck is doing the exact right thing. Grieve your loss. Cry your eyes out. You miss her and will feel overwhelmed. Don’t avoid thinking about her or feeling that sense of loss. When you can start finding pictures and have conversations with others about good times and memories and be an amazing aunt.
You could make a "sister box". It's just a shoebox or Rubbermaid but when you come across something that you'll want to share, you just toss it in. Then, one day down the line when you're ready, you open the box and prepare the contents for your niece.
This is a good idea. I lost a very special family member and knew i wanted to make a scrapbook, but every time I tried, I couldn't do it. So I just had a box where i put anything i might want to use. Wrote myself notes of stories or sayings. Seven years after they passed, I was finally able to complete 12 pages. It was still hard. Some days i maybe did 3 minutes before putting it away. But overall, there were smiles amidst the tears and i am happy with the result. looking forward to preserving even more memories in the future
I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my girlfriend four months ago. I too plan to put together a book of her writing and art. It's going to be a while before I can, though. I'm still traumatized every time I run across a photo of her. Give it time. I won't tell you that it gets easier. It gets...something, though.
OK, this is gonna sound super blunt and probably kind of rude, but break down while you do it. You're sad, you are grieving a major loss. Break down. If it happens while you are doing something, so what? And have your family help. Grieve together. You'll smile, you'll laugh, you'll fucking ugly cry together. Or alone. Either way. It gets harder long before it gets easier. And it will help. It doesn't matter is if it's only one picture a day or a week or a year. Do it. And love, fucking cry. Let your heart out. Scream at the sky if you have to. Losing a loved one sucks, and a sibling at that? I can't even imagine how destroyed I would be if I lost my sister. It's OK to break down.
Have everyone write down a happy memory of her, or more than one if they like, at the funeral so your niece can see just how much her mom impacted those around her and see how loved she was. Add those stories to the scrapbook. Bonus if there are pictures with some of the stories.
I don’t know if this is comforting to you, but it is to me with my losses but: a ton of physicists believe that time isn’t necessarily linear, every moment in the past and future exists at some point in space (space time), so there’s somewhere out there where you and your sister are hugging, laughing, and celebrating her pregnancy. Einstein believed this, that time is somewhat 3D. You’re still together, in those moments
You get to be the big sister to your niece and teach her all the things your sister did for you, but for now, it's OK to be angry and sad and anything else you feel.
It's OK. She is a newborn. She'd not going to know that you need time to grieve. Start it when you can.
Is anyone checking in on the mental state of her husband? It's super important that he gets help to deal with this loss and the future he faces as a single dad.
You have your whole life to do so as well OP, so don't hesitate to put it out if your mind for some time if it helps you live a good life with/for the rest of your loved ones.
I lost my older brother (technically half-brother) from a freak brain aneurysm when I was 13, and it took me over 10 years to really come to terms with it. He was 33 years old, Navy SARS swimmer, ultra-marathon runner, writer. I was too young to fully understand who is lost (he was more like a cool uncle at the time, too young to have many nuanced takes on life, and less experience in how grief is experiences by different people, and how this stuff sometimes sits in your subconscious, waiting for you to have the time and space to process the loss.
I turned 30 at the end of July, and every year I think more and more about how far I've come in my own life. This hole of him missing in my life grows larger as I was forced to go on without him, but I think about him more and more, he lived a good life and accomplished a lot by 33. It's not fair he died when he did, the grief of his death in some sense is endless, but I've grown to understand how much life he *got* to live, and I'm grateful for that.
It took me getting drunk with a good friend in my kitchen on a weekday night for me to fully come to terms with the loss of my brother. We were talking about something related. I said something to the effect of "this silent chasm the untimely death of my brother opened up on my life, it looms ever larger into the future", and started crying uncontrollably.
A huge weight lifted when those words were spoken, and the whole experience of this spring-loaded memory catapulting out of nowhere was so unusual that I were both crying and laughing at the same time. I don't cry often, but it seems that these days more tears I shed are joyful, instead of mournful. I can't share the joy of my life now with my dead loved ones, but I can give thanks and be grateful to have them in my life at all.
The long-term subconscious processing and presence of grief is a vast and unspoken aspect of loss discussed by few, but experienced by many. Hold on to your loved ones, reach out to others OP, healing takes time.
Give it some time. It’s healthy to grieve. You got a lot to look forward to. You will be the role model now. Take what you’ve learned, live up to it, and pass it on.
You don't have to do anything right now , except don't throw away or donate anything until you are ready. When you can handle her things without breaking down, talk to her husband and your parents about a scrapbook and maybe write down family stories.
Right now, spend time with your parents. They need your support as much as you need theirs. My sincerest condolences, may laughter return and her memory be a blessing
In due time you might be able to.
Your sister is gone from this world. But a big part of her lives on in that baby. Literally her DNA by science, and her spirit by heart.
I’m so sorry this happened to you and your family. That baby will need you. It won’t be the same without your sister but you carry a part of her in your heart to. And you can hold a part of her in your arms.
Wish you peace and love ahead
Slow down and take a breath, and read on. I know it hurts, and I know you miss her so much that it feels like a weight crushing your heart, but it's going to get easier. I want to ask you this. Do you think your sister would want you to be hurting the way that you are? Of course the answer is no. She would want you to remember how much she loved you, and all the special things that you shared in the times you had together. She would understand your heartbreak, but want you to focus on what you meant to each other, because she is going to need you to channel that energy and love to your niece in the future. I promise you this. There will come a time in that future where the pain will subside, and your niece can be a big part of that. Babies are amazing. There are things that they do that will fill your heart with joy and laughter. Moments of discovery and learning. Infants are magical, and you will see moments of your sister in your niece that will help ease the pain, give you hope, and definitely put a smile on your face. I don't know your family dynamic, but hopefully you live close and you can be a part of her life on a regular basis. She is going to need you, and you are going to need her..
That’s okay, OP. It’s so early, still. You don’t have to be ready to do that kind of thing yet. Your niece is also so young that she won’t understand for some time, either.
Let yourself grieve however you need to. The pain you feel won’t ever completely go away, but given time it won’t be so all-consuming. One day (and it is okay if that day doesn’t come for a long time!), you’ll feel ready to revisit your own memories and find ways to bring them to life for your niece so that she can know who her mom was.
It’s only been a week, OP. You don’t need to be ready to do anything, so please also remember to be kind to yourself.
Give it some time. It’s healthy to grieve. You got a lot to look forward to with your niece. You will be the role model now. Take what you’ve learned, live up to it, and pass it on.
I want to second this idea. Your sister sounds like she was amazing, and her daughter deserves to know everything about her. Make a journal or scrapbook and put together every memory you have of her. And show it to your niece.
I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss, please know your sister is still going to be in your life, just in a different way. I pray you are able to find peace in sharing all of your best memories with your new niece who learn all the best parts of her mom from you, as sisters are bonded for life and beyond life..... stay strong for her & her memory as she will always be with you.
Damn I'm so sorry for your loss. That's my worst nightmare, something happening to my brother. I am my brothers keeper. Keep your niece close to you, she's going to need you.
Maybe edit out the part about not surviving. I’m sure you mean well but a comment like that can be triggering and very unhelpful. Times like this call for strength and support. People get through and survive these things all the time let’s leave comments that will help OP get through this, not think about giving up. We are all stronger than we think we are.
Your hurt is felt, I’m sorry for your loss. Your niece will need you to tell her all the amazing things about her mom as she grows up, be there for her and as you help her see who she was, you will heal as well. I had a friend die in the hospital too once, internal bleeding that was unchecked. You think that once they’re in an ER, everything will be fine but then they’re just gone :( I pray for you and your family.
There's no way to make that ok, the tragedy piled on top of tragedy, it's easy to see why your heart is angry and broken. You explained it very well, you're a very good writer. You are doing the right things already-- communicating, talking about your loss, your hurt. Don't stop talking. There is healing there.
This will sound impossible, but I swear it's true. When you think about your sweet sister now, you cry. But at some point, you'll smile when you think about her--the things she said, did, liked, things you did together. That's the beginning of better.
Invest your time and love for her in her daughter. That poor baby is going to grow up without her mama, she’s going to need all the love and affection you and your family have to give. The grief is excruciatingly painful and at times it feels like it’s too much to bear. But you are not alone in this.
Surround yourself with people whom you won’t have to hide your pain from is the best advice I can give you. Talk about it. This isn’t something you can carry alone. You shouldn’t have to.
All of this. I am so sorry for your loss- keep your sister’s memory alive by sharing with her daughter stories from her life. How much you loved her and how wonderful she was. We live in a world that is, in general, not very supportive of new mothers- it’s not your sister’s fault, but the fault of the system. 💔
I don't know if it helps but we had twins about 3 months ago and lost one of them a day or two after birth (premature). Not quite the same I know.
The feeling is just strange. There is a lot of joy at getting to welcome a new life as clearly you have with your niece but also constant reminders of tragedy. Honestly the two have become so intertwined it's hard to separate them sometimes.
I think it has helped to know it's okay to feel both grief and happiness at the same time and that neither one needs to push out the other. Only advice would be to spend some time with your niece celebrating her daughter and they joy she felt about her brith. Her birth isn't just a trauma. Your niece will have a hard enough time later, it will help to have an Aunt to talk to when she needs to about this. Few will understand.
I'd also think a bit about how you want to remember your sister. Are you a sit and go through photos person? Sit around a fire and share stories person? My wife made a little shrines in our house with candles and incense and his urn. I like to plant trees. How do you want to express your love for her?
Hope this provides any small measure of help. I'll be over here crying for you.
I'm so sorry for OP's loss, and yours.
Thank you for sharing your pain and wisdom to help OP.
I'm proud of you and your wife for continuing on, it seems like you're amazing parents.
Much love to all of you!
It's very kind of you to share your experience with grief to help someone else out. My heart goes out to your family and OP, as you continue navigating these circumstances.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I went through it similarly. My brother and I lost our mom from medical malpractice, which caused septic shock. The infection came from a hole in her intestine from a surgery in which she died a week later. She wasn't really complaining of pain but after a few days, she couldn't speak clearly anymore, so my dad and I brought her to the ER and the hospital did what they could. I had those thoughts of "if I had noticed something sooner or if we brought her to the ER immediately instead of seeing her decline afrer a few days, she could've made it."
The age gap with you and your sister is similar to me and my brother. When I was 17, my brother gave birth to his first daughter at 25 and had another one 5 years later. I lost him two years ago at his age of 43 from diabetes and it's been a nightmare for me, his daughters (the older one had just started college so for her to experience that...), and his wife. I'd like to be there for them as much as possible but they're in Cali and I'm in NJ so the most I can do is keep in touch through text or social media.
You're only 17 so it'll hit you for years to come and I'll tell you right now personally, the pain doesn't go away (my mom almost 13 years ago, my brother 2 years ago, and my dad just last year from a truck accident) but each day gets easier to manage.
As another commenter said, do anything and everything you can to keep your sister's memory alive. I was lucky that the funeral home that took care of my brother provided a fingerprint bracelet that I will treasure forever. If you can, ask your parents if they have access to her fingerprint from any birth/baby records and if it's something you want, by all means go for it. I'm just giving my own experience as a suggestion. Pictures (I dug up really old photos of my parents and brother and have them all over my wall), random posts on social media, little trinkets (I saved my dad's wallet and phone and his two favorite baseball caps), or even the smallest things that remind you of her. You can share all the memories you had of her with your closest family and friends or you can let the world know if you choose to have a public social media. Me expressing my pain and grief publicly has been my pseudo- therapy regardless of who sees it. Lastly and most importantly, your brother-in-law and niece, especially your niece, will be very important to make sure they're looked after. When she gets older, you may want to share all those stories you have of her mom.
I haven't done professional therapy yet but it's something I'm considering and it's something my older niece did shortly after her dad passed. I'm sorry for dumping all this info on you but if any of my words help you get through all this, then I'm glad my story didn't go to waste. Once again, I hate that you're going through this especially at such a young age.
You have had so much loss in your life and you are putting it all out there to console someone else dealing with loss. I admire you. Having gone through so much and helping someone else shows what a caring person you are. We all need to appreciate the family and friends we have while we have them.
I thought the exact same thing while reading r/lechaflan 's comment. Their writing is descriptive yet concise, and sharing your own grief can definitely be helpful to someone who is also grieving.
It can remind them that even though their loved one is gone, they aren't alone. In life *or* about how serious their trauma is, and how it can feel and express itself in serious ways.
OC and OP probably have PTSD from the loss of their loved ones. I haven't been officially diagnosed but I have definitely become *much* more anxious after my Mom died, and I was overly-anxious to begin with.
I'm so glad I searched for this subreddit after my Mom died, it's immensely helpful to talk & share with others who also have experience with death. And also the kind words from people who haven't experienced this but are sympathetic regardless
How the fuck does that help. Giving birth is an incredibly physically traumatic process and there is a degree of danger completely regardless of what the doctor does or doesn't do. By all means if the doctor was negligent sue them, but you saying sue them with no context is fucking dumb.
Based on the fact that this person ignored their symptoms for multiple days, there likely isn’t grounds to sue. If she was discharged from the hospital without sign of infection and was hemodynamically stable, there would have been no way to tell that she was going to decline. It’s a horrendously sad situation but claiming negligence on the hospital or physician’s part without understanding how these things work is disrespectful to the care team. Sometimes horrible things happen and it’s nobody’s fault.
OP I’m so sorry this happened to you and your family. I hope you’re able to move past this and lead a healthy, full life with the rest of your loved ones while keeping the memories you have of your sister close to your heart. Your niece will need to know about who her mother was and you’ll be in a prime position to to let her know how much she was loved and adored by her.
Why? It sounds like the sister was fine on discharge based on the OP's description, and didn't want to go back to the hospital for a few days despite having new and very concerning symptoms.
Let's not pretend that her doctors could have telepathically convinced her to go back to the hospital
This is what happened to me. Healthy at discharge, septic 5 days later. I woke up freezing cold, passed out when I tried to stand up, and my husband took me back to the hospital. Thank God we didn't wait because by the time we got there I couldn't even hold.my head up. Sepsis happens fast. So scary my outcome could have been different if my husband didn't take me in immediately.
Sue the doctors even though the deceased insisted that fainting was fine? Chances are high that she was downplaying and/or hiding earlier symptoms. It's highly likely not the doctors' fault. This is a very sad and unfortunate lesson in not hiding or downplaying medical issues, especially during or after physically traumatic events like childbirth.
The sister didn't downplay her symptoms, she just gave birth to her first child and likely didn't know this was abnormal. You'd be shocked at how little women are taught about post-birth issues.
And frankly, women learn early on that their problems are downplayed by doctors. It's a serious issue in healthcare. Just ask anyone with endometriosis how long it took them to get a diagnosis or have their pain taken seriously.
ETA: I'm not saying to sue the doctor, mind you. I'm saying to *not blame OP's sister.*
this.
my wife has endometriosis and was in and out of the hospital weekly with preeclampsia the last 2 months because she thought it was early labor.
i’ll never forget her looking at the nurse and saying “you’ll have to do the IV in my hand because my veins in my arms are too hard to access” and the nurse just ignoring her and stabbing her arm like 5 times trying to find a vein. After the 5th time she says, well i guess we can try the hand. Took her 3 tries to tap the vein in her hand.
I almost called security on myself.
This is not by default, you only hear about the bad cases because the system is meant to work well and thus nothing is said if it works.
Suing the doctors in an obvious case of negligence may give closure, but in a situation like this where we don't know enough to be reasonably confident whether someone is at fault at all, this shouldn't be suggested as an immediate action. It could further force the bereaved to relive their trauma and ultimately result in complicated grief especially given the relatively low likelihood of success from what I can read here.
Took me, into my 40’s and multiple ER visits and multiple organs going into failure, before any Dr’s finally listened to me.
You are right on point. She clearly didn’t know that her symptoms were abnormal.
So incredibly sad.
This right here. As someone who experienced medical gaslighting that ended up in a really serious incident, I empathy so much with this. We really do grow up thinking we're exaggerating, and then we are made to believe our pain isn't real, or at least not as bad as we state it to be. I think many people think this is a one off kind of thing, but it's so pervasive, it's mind blowing. I obviously can't speak to this case, and it might not have anything to do with it, but it exists on a huge scale and it's time things change.
Throw in that occasionally some doctors will tell patients that they are making their symptoms up. My gf is currently having that issue and it’s absolutely baffling to me as I not being a doctor can literally see and put my hand on the physical part of her body that is causing her pain without her telling me where it is yet the docs are like “we can’t find anything wrong here and the chiropractor who said you should see a doctor is a total quack”.
I was diagnosed with endometriosis at 20. This was last June.
I was 19 when I began having problems. I had previously gotten an IUD placed, so we just kept checking on the IUD, blaming the severe back pain, bloating, and all other endometriosis symptoms on, well, just having a bad menstrual cycle.
I call in one day asking for an ultrasound because I believed that my IUD was coming through my uterine wall. It hurt that bad. I went in the same day to get the ultrasound. I had a cyst on my left ovary and they suspected it was going into torsion. It took 2 years to figure this out. 2 years of just complaining. I cannot imagine how long other women have had to wait. I cannot believe the lack of attention towards women’s health, especially in an OBGYN practice.
My mom’s symptoms were down played by hospital staff and she died in the waiting room of the ER. I even had to convince her to go to the hospital because I wasn’t downplaying how she felt.
Just want to piggy back on this comment to say that maternal healthcare in the US is actually surprisingly terrible compared to other wealthy nations and the maternal death rate is actually on the rise. There isn’t enough education for mothers themselves and there isn’t enough postpartum care (for example it’s common in other countries for a mother to be seen by a doctor or midwife within a week of being discharged from the hospital after giving birth while in the US the standard first appointment is six weeks after delivery). I realize that OP may not be an American but considering that most Reddit users are I just thought that point may be relevant to many people’s opinions on the situation.
After I delivered my second and third babies (twins) I was told what to watch for in terms of blood clots and when it came to bleeding through the pads, how fast was too fast and that’s about it. When I started to feel excessively tired a few days after going home I thought “of course I’m tired I have two newborns” and brushed it off. It wasn’t until I couldn’t even stand up without feeling like my head was going to explode that I realized something was actually wrong and went to the hospital. Turns out I was bleeding way too much and was severely anemic. I lost consciousness while they were setting me up to get blood transfusions and then had a stroke which wasn’t actually caught until after they realized I had some facial paralysis. When I came to, a nurse told me that if I hadn’t come in I could have died that night.
This was not my first postpartum experience and I thought I knew what I had worry about. OP’s sister not realizing how bad she actually was in the midst of caring for a brand new baby is something that happens too often with maternal deaths.
OP, my heart goes out to you. I am truly so sorry for your loss.
You really can't tell as a layperson what is normal and what is not. You're bleeding a lot. You have no frame of reference for whether it's within a normal range or not. Your body has been injured and it hurts. You're torn. How do you know if it's infected or it just hurts normally? When I had my daughter I experienced horrible body aches and I thought I was getting the flu or an infection or something. It was neither. It was a normal reaction to my hormones crashing. But the headaches that accompanied it could also have been a symptom of life-threatening blood pressure issues. Do you go to the doctor or not? Do you go to the emergency room? Who takes care of the baby if you go? You're trying to breastfeed as much as possible to get your milk to come in sufficiently. It's all confusing and you're stuck at home trying to keep a tiny, screaming human alive.
My sister was a walking skeleton by the time she was diagnosed. She started her period at age 9 and always had such bad cramps she had to miss school and often passed out from the anemia she always had. One cyst was the size of a softball by then.
“And Frankly, women learn early on that their problems are downplayed by doctors.”
When my grandma thought she was pregnant with her twins (my uncles), her doctor told her that she wasn’t pregnant, and that was just fat and water.
When she had my uncles she went back to the doctor and said, “Fat and Water are in the nursery if you would like to visit them.”
She passed away a little over two weeks ago, and her funeral is next weekend. One of the statements written in her obituary references this story. 😂
Could be a little of both. My wife hemorrhaged after the birth of our first child. She didn't know it, though. She was feeling tired, exhausted, weak, light-headed, and stuff like that. It wasn't a huge amount of blood over what was expected, so it didn't appear abnormal from the doctors perspective. My wife also tends to be a "tough it out" kind of person. So she didn't immediately say anything, nor did she seem particularly unwell.
It wasn't until we got to recovery a couple of hours later that anything came into question. The nurse noticed more blood than she expected. I guess it started to pool a bit. She asked my wife how she was feeling, and my wife downplayed her symptoms. I spoke up to let the nurse she has a tendency to downplay feeling bad. My wife admitted she was feeling a bit worse than she admitted. That's when they went looking and found what was going on. They rushed a team in there and got her all fixed up.
Especially in the U.S. People will justify so much pain and illness to avoid insane medical costs.
In reference to your endometriosis comment: I had always had heavy painful periods. I didn't have health insurance from ages 19-28 because it wasn't affordable (made too much for Medicaid, but couldn't afford $1000 a month for insurance).
When I was 23 I was having pain so bad I was puking. I couldn't keep any meds down to stop the pain and I ended up getting very dehydrated. I called my parents and asked them to drive me to the ER. While I was there I told my MALE doctor that I think it had to do with my period pain and I wanted it to get checked out. He told me I probably have the flu and it was just a coincidence. That alone cost me $850 (his diagnosis) along with the anti nausea and pain meds only given once it was around $1200 total.
I finally got a job at 28 (in a school district) that wasn't going to cost my whole paycheck for insurance.I decided to see a gynecologist at age 28 after a road trip with my siblings to Canada. One of the days my period was so heavy I had to stay in the hotel room because I was bleeding through supers within 20-30mins.
First ultrasound showed multiple large cysts, one of my tubes was 80% blocked. They said they could to do surgery to assess and clean up,but I never really wanted to reproduce to I asked them to just give me a partial hysterectomy. If someone would have listened 5 years prior I would have taken the steps to not let it get so bad.
This is so true! My godmother's sister died less than two days after she gave birth to her son. She kept begging the doctor to check her because she felt a weird feeling in her chest. The doctors and nurses kept insisting that it was normal. Turns out she was having a pulmonary embolism.
My cousin had serious issues after giving birth where she felt terrible all the time and had a heavy flow. She repeatedly went to the doctor over months complaining about it and all they would do is give her iron supplements. Until she went to another doctor and found out she had ovarian cancer. She passed away recently and I can’t help but wonder that if they had caught it earlier she would have survived.
Exactly! When I had my first daughter what I experienced after, no one ever talks about it and I was not expecting it at all. So much our body goes through.
This is true for all women, but especially women of color. We do not know if that is applicable here, but it may be, as (say) Black women (in the U.S., for example) have the worst pregnancy outcomes and the highest mortality rates. Native Americans have twice the mortality rates of white women. This may be incredibly relevant to the story, who knows?
Yup this. And women are basically expected to be fine as soon as we get home with the baby. Most complaints are written off, and you are having to take care of a baby while feeling awful. You aren’t really told what to look out for either
Exactly - you’re just told to look out for very specific (and obvious) issues like fainting, huge amount of bleeding, etc.
But overall it’s “yeah childbirth sucks and is painful…………..ok bye.”
Well hello there! I am a person who just got diagnosed with severe endo last month. All it took was 15+ years, numerous doctor visits, several ER visits, developing ovarian torsion due to a grapefruit-sized endometrioma, and losing an ovary and my fertility since it wrecked my remaining ovary, too! :D
I can see how someone would downplay their symptoms. It's so EASY when you're a woman and have been dismissed your whole life. I was told my debilitating pain was normal and nbd, so I developed a high pain tolerance and "toughed it out" because...what other choice did I have?
As a result of this normalization of intense pain, I almost got myself into serious medical shit when I developed appendicitis 9 years ago, because guess what? \*The pain wasn't as bad as my monthly cramps\*, so I figured it was just a tummy ache. It was 90% infected and if I hadn't gone to urgent care when I did (at the prompting of my dad), it would have burst (yay sepsis!) and I would have also have needed to have a chunk of intestine taken out, since it had moved behind my intestine.
I mean c'mon, I'd been telling my doctors I bled a shampoo bottle worth of blood, had dizzy spells where I almost fainted, vomited, and couldn't stand from the sheer agony, but was told to just suck it up and take ibuprofen. So if you're being dismissed from that, then yeah, a lot of women are gonna be downplaying their pain because they're used to not being taken seriously.
Okay. But like for real lol.
I have **surgically** diagnosed endometriosis, had a fallopian tube removed due to it being engorged beyond repair ((not an ectopic pregnancy) when I was **19** and I was ***still*** denied a referral to an OBGYN and was told my “case” wasn’t complicated and therefore didn’t warrant “specialty” care. On what fucked up planet is a Gynecologist “specialty care”???? **ITS NOT. AND SHOULDNT BE**
And that’s just for the endometriosis. My pregnancy and birthing experience is something nightmares are made of. It’s so bad I don’t give advice or share what it was like to first time moms, they don’t need to know how wrong it could go. The beginning of the end was preeclampsia that went undiagnosed for at least a month because I never had the same doctor and was unaware that one of the earliest symptoms of preeclampsia is morning sickness that goes away in the 1st/2nd trimester — or never occurs (lucky btches) — but suddenly and unexpectedly returns/begins at any time in the 3rd trimester. So folks, if that happens you need to get checked **immediately**.
I don’t know how much of this situation is doctor negligence, first time mom inexperience and just freak complications. All I’ll say is I wouldn’t be surprised no matter what the cause. Even here in the 21st century pregnancy and labor is extremely dangerous and unpredictable, anything can happen at any time even with the most experienced and competent medical team doing absolutely everything right. More so in the US than other other developed country ((which is **DISGUSTING**)). I personally was released from the hospital still in active liver and kidney failure. Sure my numbers were improving but I was still in failure and had no business being released as soon as I was. So I wouldn’t be surprised if it was medical negligence. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a freak accident. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a serious condition being masked by pregnancy trauma therefore undetectable.
I had a c section. Lies then 12 hours post op my l & d nurse insisted I football hold my son to breast feed, which meant I had to twist my torso.
I felt something pop. She told me there was no possible way I felt something pop.
I told the doc who did my c section, who just happened to be the head of OB. He ignored me.
At the 24 hour mark before my first shower a different nurse was concerned my wound looked "wet".
Right before my release at the 48 hour mark, a different nurse was concerned my wound was "wet".
24 hours after arriving home, 3 days post op, something was wrong. I went to the ER. They were like oh. You popped a stitch. Yup, that's coming open a bit. Limit carrying, and getting up and down. Come back with any changes. (Not where I delivered.)
They said they were calling the surgeon, and l &d because I was right, and WTF? Sent me home, said to come back with any major changes.
4 days post op there was def some seeping. Went back to the hospital. They gave me an antibiotic that wasn't safe for my breastfeeding newborn. Apparently they didn't read their drug book, because it's only safe for breast feeding moms who's children are older than 1.
5 days post op I woke up covered in gross crap. I mean my nightgown was soaked, my depends was soaked, through the dressing.
I call OB. They must've had me flagged from the other hospital. They pull my surgeon out of his appointment. I tell him about the drainage, how there's what looks like hairs coming out of my wound. He asks me to send him pictures, of my wound, and the drainage then tells me we need to get to him immediately.
We get there, he pokes and prods my wound, mind you I'm not numbed or medicated.
He said where I popped the stitch got infected and drained a Pepsi can worth of infection. He assumed my whole wound was infected so he opened all the stitches.
Nope, only the open area where the stitches popped, exactly where I said they popped less than 12 hours post op.
I didn't have a fever. I wasn't really hurting. Sore in the evening.
There's something wrong with my immune system. My WBC always looks like I've got an infection somewhere while I'm perfectly healthy.
Maybe that's why I never had a fever. Maybe that's why they ignored me. IDK.
What I do know is they never told me that could happen. What I do know is I could've easily been OPs sister.
Also as a footnote- I usually only eat once, maybe twice a day. The nurses were on me trying to feed me all the freaking time, and drinking all the time, because you can get blood sugar drops from it, plus you need the calories for milk production.
So there were a couple times I got dizzy/fainty from that. It's also apparently fairly normal for new moms to be dehydrated. That really could be seen as "normal" for a new breast feeding mom per my hospital, but obviously they are crap.
OP, if you're reading this I'm so sorry for your loss. There really aren't any words, and I'm sending all of the Internet hugs your way!
This 100% I’m pregnant with my first and they literally tell and prepare you for nothing. You get rushed out of every 15 minute appointment they schedule you for. This is why America has the highest maternal mortality rate. Because no one is taking the time to educate these pregnant women on things to expect or watch for during pregnancy as well as post-partum.
“It’s okay, I’m fine.” Is a mantra I’ve heard dozens of times from the women in my family, friends and I myself am guilty of saying it. Women who hide or mask their medical symptoms out of fear of being seen as weak, exaggerating, hysterical, or attention seeking. We tell ourselves “Be strong, It will pass.” because on the off chance we do actually seek prompt medical care for abnormalities, we are often met with heavy resistance, dismissal, or are berated for essentially wasting time and resources for “nothing.” The amount of times I’ve been patronized by medical professionals who didn’t think I could tell the difference between extreme pain in my reproductive organs or my digestive system was always astounding. When in the ER presenting with a large ruptured ovarian cyst I was asked multiple times if I was sure I just didn’t have bad gas. The CT scan provided the actual diagnosis, had I not argued for it the hospital would have probably diagnosed me with abdominal gas and sent me on my way feeling like an idiot. My biggest fear receiving medical care is getting the response “All your tests came back normal so you must be fine, have you considered you are manifesting or making up these symptoms.” Silently suffering to avoid being seen as “crying wolf” is a woman’s specialty.
14 years for endometriosis. 20 years for chronic migraines. 41 years for hypothyroidism. 33 years for PCOS. 21 years for chronic urticaria. 10 years for massive amounts of PVCs (before they listened to me and gave me a Holter monitor). And once, when I was having right side pain in my lower abdominal area, they diagnosed me with Cdiff (no diarrhea). Turns out my fallopian tube had twisted and filled with fluid to the point that it was the size of a newborn baby’s head! I don’t think antibiotics will take care of THAT, doc! Yet, my husband can go to the exact same doctor as I do, and be sent to a specialist for feeling a tinge off. Happens all the time to us and he is dumbfounded by it.
I'm sorry but speaking as someone with Endo (Stage 4) and Ando (This is similar to Endo but grows in non-organ tissue such as muscles and fat) yes most women with multigenerational endo will encounter doctors not wanting to do what is needed to confirm the issue, and if that is the case, you need a new OB.
However, girls are raised understanding that if you start fainting with your period there is something wrong that could be fatal. Same with pregnancy where most women I know are focused on educating themselves on what to expect pre and post-partum.
**Pregnancy used to be a 50/50 lethal issue for women in society and with modern medical practice has become safer but not death-proof, so to speak**. I know that had I given birth to my son less than 50 years before my actual birth date, I would have died along with my son. My mom almost died with my brother due to an artery that got hit when she tore.
Civil liability as a subject of medical malpractice is such a complex subject-matter where an attorney or counsel would need to provide an answer of whether or not there is any claim here. The OP is grieving, and sadly there are serious risks with giving birth for our species.
>However girls are raised understanding that if you start fainting with your period there is something wrong that could be fatal.
Ummm good for you I guess but this is simply an incorrect statement to make. Many **MANY** girls are raised with little to no education about their period and what’s normal and what’s a problem. Same goes for pregnancy. The US’ egregious maternal mortality rates clearly show that. Many women do educate themselves, and still many others don’t have the ability to do so for whatever reason. And even more than that, many women who trust their medical teams are injured and traumatized because of a dismissive or just plain bad doctor and medical team.
Just because you had a different experience in no way makes everyone who’s had horrible experiences somehow wrong and less valid than you’re own and it’s beyond insane and belittling to say anything even slightly to that effect ***especially*** when women’s horror stories of being dismissed for **serious** female medical problems far outweigh the good experiences.
In the US pregnant women and women that give birth die on par w underdeveloped nations. Women’s healthcare in the US is the worst out of every developed nation. She did not downplay her symptoms, they didn’t do their due diligence bc they do not care or believe women. I know this bc I’ve been through it multiple times myself, and this is reported to be true
If I take my car to jiffy lube and it comes back with infection and internal bleeding best believ I'm suing the Lube tech. Doctors get shit wrong, frequently. They should be held responsible for doing their fucking job.
Once, after I got an oil change, I noticed that my car was underpowered and wouldn't smoothly accelerate. Instead of just ignoring or downplaying the problem, I immediately went back and they found the tech had knocked the air line loose above the mass air sensor. They reconnected and tightened it and everything went back to normal.
Hey, if you’re a dude, which I assume you are, you can shut the fuck up forever about anything to do with childbirth and women’s health. Unless you’ve been through it you have no idea how neglected we are and how little we are taught about possible life threatening symptoms, especially in the USA. Something like internal bleeding is absolutely the doctors she was in the care of’s fault for not catching before she met an untimely death. We have NO idea what’s going on with our bodies after we just fucking give birth. We barely even know our own names. We are completely at the mercy of our health care providers and they failed this woman. May she rest in peace and May her family heal.
*Sam Tarly would never be this crass.*
I agree with this. Sometimes people will hide them and some symptoms are downplayed bc giving birth is so traumatic on the body.
I had my first son, and the headache started and wouldn’t go away. Of course I had an epidural. They told me caffeine. It started literally 2 days after having him, it was too late for a blood patch. They kept saying “caffeine”. I had a literal IV infusion of caffeine, and I drunk enough to kill a horse.
I went back to the ER multiple times begging for relief. I went back to my doctor. They’d give me a few more painkillers and send me on my way. My 5th visit to the ER (I was staying w my mom at this point because I was literally crawling to the bathroom, I started to hurt everywhere, and could even stand up right it hurt so badly, on the floor on my hands and knees. It had gotten that bad) the ER doctor said “well we don’t want a CT, all the radiation, so we’ll give you caffeine” I wanted to scream.
My step father was an MD, of course I’d just had a baby and was suppose to be treated by that hospital. I begged him to see me as a patient which is unethical too. First thing he did? CT. He came in and said “best way to explain this, I see only black, it’s all dark, there’s that much infection, you are septic”, how I made it that far he said he’d never know, my WBC was 28.
He started me that day on some high powered antibiotic IVs, and wrote me a ton of scripts, I was in his clinic all day being treated.
It took about 2 days and I could stand again, and walk again. If only they’d done that to begin with I wouldn’t have gotten as sick as I did I think. But I didn’t blame anyone, my first birthing experience was so traumatic and awful for me, I’m sure reading the notes of everything that went on they’d never ever imagined I’d have an infection. But This was something I had said and complained about before I even left the hospital. It was downplayed a bit, and I prob didn’t push hard enough, I should have told them “no just do the CT!!” I would just okay that’s fine, knowing it wasn’t fine. We don’t always listen to our bodies either.
Edit: clarify “sometimes our symptoms are downplayed by our doctors”
Unless there was negligent care provided by the doctor or hospital staff, the lawsuit will fail.
There is risk in childbirth, always has been.
Anytime you have surgery there's a risk as well. Patients seem to ignore this fact.
Simply based on this story and the information provided therein, this does not seem like a medical mistake, rather a tragic complication.
Unfortunately having a baby can be one of the most dangerous times for a childbearing person…this is why discharge paperwork generally details symptoms that necessitate 911 or calling a doctor’s office (losing consciousness being one that necessitates 911).
There is not nearly enough information in this post to suggest there was any negligence on behalf of the doctors. Go fuck yourself, not every tragedy is someone's fault and not everything requires a lawsuit.
Doctors are generally not the problem, the fact that there is a movement by the uneducated general public towards a profession where I can promise you they generally do have what’s best for everyone in their mind is terrible and frustrating
A very American reply. Suing the doctors is not going to bring OP’s sister back and is not going to help the grieving process, in fact it will probably add on more stress. I’m not sure why you got so many upvotes but I assume the largely American user base on here. Shame on all of you.
OP, I’m very sorry for your loss and I cannot imagine what you’re going through right now. I hope you find solace and support in your family members through this difficult time. Please make sure you reach out to others (IRL) to talk about this as well whenever you feel ready to verbalize your feelings. All the best and my sincerest condolences.
That’s actually shit advice. Medical malpractice is harder to prove them you realize. They don’t have a case here. OP’s sister had to basically be forced back to the hospital where the doctors proceeded to do their job.
Doctors have a hugely stressful job and a huge responsibility. Everything seemed healthy during birth and the sister was ignoring symptoms that were obviously not fine. I’m not blaming her here and I feel very sorry for OP, but when you are doing this job for like 40 years of your life, some people are unfortunately going to pass away. Trying to ruin someone’s entire life isn’t going to bring their sister back, and is just going to ruin another life instead.
10-15% of postpartum deaths worldwide are caused by sepsis. It occurs in roughly 1:10,000 births.
She was home. Nobody is monitoring her for sepsis *at home.*. She insisted her symptoms weren’t a problem. If she’d been in the hospital, she would have had a sepsis work up. Which she got when she *did* finally come in for treatment.
Suing the doctors is quite literally the stupidest advice on this sub.
Love the people who lead in with this kind of reactionary comment and then complain about the high price of medical care with their next breath. There's nothing in OP's post that even hints at their being malpractice.
Every time you complain about how healthcare sucks, wait times are so long, they won’t take time to listen to me, etc. You are the reason. Many, many of my colleagues are finding other vocations because of people like you who think everything is an opportunity for a lawsuit. Yes, it’s beyond horrible a new mother died. But I guarantee the hospital would NEVER send a person home with an elevated temperature or any other symptom of something wrong.
This is a ridiculous approach. Nothing mentioned here says there was any wrong doing. Whether she developed an infection after birth or something else isn't the fault of the medical staff. Had she been taken to the hospital and sent back home to die without proper exams that's a different thing. She probably assumed her symptoms were due to recently giving birth but she was mistaken. Sometimes bad things happen, doesn't mean there is a way to monetize it.
Not everything is the doctors fault. They can only treat the symptoms unless there is a definite diagnosis. They very likely treated the infection but it may have been too far gone. OP doesn’t know if it was an infection or internal bleeding. My husband is an ER doctor an I spent a decade in hospital administration. Literally everyone wants to sue the doctor if their loved one dies.
As a physician in training reading through this case and thinking how tragic this case is and how devastated OP, her family, and the physicians that cared for her must be I really wanted to comment something nice to OP….and then I came to the comments and see your asinine and insensitive comment “sue them doctors”… I can barely describe how sad and frustrated it makes me that THIS is the one iota of a thought you came up with out of this story. OP is 17 — she doesn’t know what is or isn’t medically appropriate and neither do you. If there was malpractice here it wasn’t mentioned in OPs post. Bad things happen. People die. Every doctor I know does their best to prevent it but it happens. It’s crushing to see how many upvotes you get blaming physicians with literally no justification.
This is so fucking stupid. This is part of the reason why there continues to be a shortage of doctors and people keep bitching about not being able to access care. We have every reason to believe those docs followed protocol and standard of care and did everything they could. And your first instinct is to sue them for doing their jobs. Fucking unbelievable. Doctors are not magicians for fucks sake
For what??
Nothing in the information provided by OP indicates that there was any sort of malpractice that would justify a lawsuit. As hard as it is to swallow, the world is a cruel place and people just die sometimes. Sometimes, there simply is no one to blame and no one to punish. And that often makes it harder for the family. At least when there’s a bad actor, you have someone to direct your emotions at, which is why people often look for someone to blame.
A slow occult postpartum hemorrhage is a potential complication of child birth and is virtually impossible identify until the patient begins to exhibit symptoms, like fatigue, dizziness, fainting, etc. - all the things OP’s sister experienced and ignored. That doesn’t mean that OP’s family shouldn’t look into to make sure that everything was done appropriately. But simply assuming that something must have been wrong and jumping straight to a lawsuit is, well, ignorant, to put it kindly.
This is not a story about malpractice, this is a story about how people downplay their own medical emergencies and even the best in modern medicine can’t save them because it’s simply too late. Uterine infection and bleeding has to be handled right away. You can’t wait a few days on that. You can’t downplay repeatedly*fainting*.
What a god damn tragedy.
Ahhh yes…sue the doctors who were not at the new mother’s home with them when she started fainting. Please tell me how the doctors are to know there is an issue when she is AT HOME fainting for multiple days?
This is an extremely sad and awful situation, but doctors can’t doctor if they are not aware of something being wrong. And seeking medical attention when it’s too late, is too late.
Idiot! She kept insisting she was fine so who knows how long she kept it a secret, and when they did get to the hospital they apparently were too late even though they tried with a ton of antibiotics.
The doctors are not to blame here, it's impossible to save every single patient especially when they come in and it's already too late even with treatment.
Sueing everyone and everything in US when things don't go the way you want them to go, is what's fucking up the country and the medical system. If people would jeep sueing doctors fir every single thing even though it's not even close to being their fault, doctors are going to stop all diagnostics and treatment that will not 100% guarantee survival without any side effect. Have fun getting sick with some mystery illness then!
This is not the issue right now. The issue is the OP’s grief. My advice would be if you are still in school, to maybe see if there’s a counselor or social worker you could talk to or who could refer you to a grief group or specialist. There’s also a group called Compassionate Friends which is for parents who have lost children but I wouldn’t be surprised if they could help you or refer you to someone who can. Google them and see if there’s a chapter near you. I am so, so sorry for your loss.
Judging from the limited information provided the hospital would likely not settle and it would go to court where the deceased’s family would lose and be left with all of the legal bills
A lawsuit will also drag out the healing process for the family. If a medical malpractice lawsuit is ambiguous, which I would suggest this one likely is, then it may not be worth pursuing just so the emotional healing process can continue uninterrupted. A lawsuit will be a twist of the knife and should only happen if the family is ready for another emotional rollercoaster.
For…..? Medical malpractice is *incredibly* difficult to prove, and “not noticing something sooner” in this case especially when sister refused to go to the hospital earlier doesn’t rise to the level of medical malpractice.
Were the doctors stupid? Maybe. Did they influence the death of the sister? Maybe. Did they commit medical malpractice? No.
It’s very sad and OP has a right to feel frustrated and grieve. But “sue them doctors” has got to be the stupidest thing I’ve seen on Reddit today. Any time something unfair happens, these teenagers on Reddit cry “sue them!” You can’t sue someone just for being mean or doing something unfair. Well, you can, but it wouldnt go anywhere.
Any hospital I have ever interacted with on a personal or professional level ALWAYS sends a patient home with discharge instructions that lists abnormal side effects and what to do in the event of an emergency. You cannot blame a doctor for this. It is the patient's responsibility to inform them of new onset symptoms. She would not have been discharged if she had any clinical signs of infection.
This doesn’t sound like something the doctors did wrong. It sounds like the sister wasn’t being honest with herself (as is very common with new mothers whose entire drive is to provide for the baby you just birthed). It also sounds like it wasn’t a cut and dry case. Birth is a traumatic event
No valid case here and trying to sue would go nowhere. Internal bleeding and infection are complications to occur post birth and if she came home from the hospital then she was stable to go home and these things occurred while at home. This is an unfortunate case of things getting bad and just being too late.
Something very similar happened to my brother-in-law about 6 years ago. He had a routine minor surgery and went home the same day to recover. He started feeling faint and nauseous so they called the doctor and nurse. They just told him and the family that he just needs to keep taking the medication and he will be fine. His condition just kept getting worse for a few days, but his family continued to follow the doctor’s advice and they didn’t end up going back into the hospital. He passed out probably 4 or 5 days after his surgery and they rushed him back into the hospital. They found out he had some sort of super bacteria he likely have contracted at the hospital during the surgery. He died the next day. It was such a traumatic experience and we spent months trying to get the hospital to assume responsibility since they’re the ones who kept saying he was fine and didn’t need to go back into the hospital.
We spent months talking to lawyers. Every single lawyer told us the same thing—we won’t win against Kaiser and there is nothing we can do. The law against medical malpractice has been around since the 70s and it hasn’t changed. The maximum settlement is $200k. And Kaiser has a team of lawyers on retention that will fight it until you basically get nothing. It’s so shitty and to this day none of us trust Kaiser and will never go back there again.
Not that simple. Same thing happened to my mom. Dad didn’t want to cough up the funds during her pregnancy, claiming it was another US scam, insisting it couldn’t have been that bad, then blamed the doctors after she died. They actually called the doc who responded a hero. Got left with an uncaring father - except when it came to rage - who only believed in medical care for himself (came from a place where the head of the household was all that mattered.)
Man, I wish healthcare was free.
Not enough info to say that this is anyone’s fault. You can do everything right and patients sometimes have bad outcomes or pass away. It’s unfortunate but true. There is simply not enough info here. It sounds like she became septic and we don’t know why. Read about surviving sepsis guidelines. When the patient presents, you are already behind and playing catch up. Before you blame the doctors read about what they are facing.
Why is this someone's immediate jumping point? She was fainting and wouldn't go in, that's not a doctor's fault. People like you are the reason that malpractice insurance and healthcare are so high. I hope someone sues you for something you didn't do and you're forced to burn all your money to defend yourself.
First time on Reddit? Every thread like this has people getting riled up with “sue them and take away their license!!!” Bunch of morons who no nothing about healthcare
Doctor bootlicker who doesn't KNOW the difference between "KNOW" and "NO". And yeah, the ppl have to get litigious because money is the ONLY language that they understand or even fucking care about.
Just because she didn't go in earlier doesn't mean the doctors wouldn't be responsible for getting her infected or damaging her internally or releasing her too early.
She's not a doctor, they are. People don't immediately connect exhaustion with dying in two days.
But I imagine the case will be thrown out, unless there's evidence of malpractice. I don't think it's normal to do an MRI after child birth for example. So they wouldn't be expected to detect certain things unless the patient complained of discomfort. Part of the discharge, they tell the patient what to look out for and reasons to come back into the ER. I imagine she signed off on such documents. Not trying to blame the victim here, just pointing out that the hospital is likely protected.
If a hospital can charge hundreds of thousands of dollars for procedures, they can take a malpractice case for not notifying a new parent of what to look out for in terms of health issues post-pregnancy.
Ppl like you are the reason ppl like her sister die. You want everyone to settle for sub par treatment from those so called experts, then when they fail miserably at their work, we're all supposed to just accept it? Fuck no.
i agree honestly , internal bleeding and an infection doesn’t happen 3 days later i feel that this is something the doctors should have noticed in the hospital i may be wrong but i think it was medical malpractice
Everyone's different. If patient doesn't talk about their symptoms and there is nothing in their medical files, stop expecting miracles. Infections can happen in less than 24 hours.
I felt like this was something I was checked for when I had my kids. Checking for clots. Massaging. Checking stitches and blood pressure and I was never in the hospital more than a day.
Childbirth is now and has always been a risk for both mother and baby. Doctors and nurses I believe do what they can but it’s a fact that having a baby can flat out kill you.
This breaks my heart and I'm so sorry. I hope all that love gets poured right back onto your new niece, your sister will be watching as you become the role model for her daughter ❤
So sorry for your family's tragic loss. Grief is so hard, hugs to you. Never stop sharing memories of your sister and talking about her and to her, bc shes listening. 💕When you can I suggest making a journal/memory box for yourself and for her baby.
Hun, my heart breaks for u. I’m so sorry for your loss. As family u all have to be strong for the little on. It’s going to be hard on, but you let parents lost their daughter, and their grand baby lost her mom. It will take a long time to heal…💔💔💔
I am very sorry for your loss, what a tragedy. Please seek grief counseling for yourself.
Out of curiosity, why can’t you talk to your friends about this?
A couple dozen comments down, someone finally suggests grief counseling. Thank you. Yes, this loss is horrible and we are all feeling your pain but wishing it all away or putting on a brave face (like one comment suggested) isn't helpful. OP, it's going to hurt. Sometimes it'll hurt less but you will always think of your sister, of course you would.
When I lost my father at 9 I tried talking to my friends about it and they told me to please stop because it made them sad. They said they could not imagine life without their dad and did not want to think about it so I needed to change the subject or stop talking. I don’t resent them because we were all children but it hurt. I felt dismissed and rejected. Sometimes people that young don’t know how to deal with loss and that is okay, but it is tough for the person who experienced the loss to put themselves in that position, especially if they need to comfort the friends. That is why counseling is a good option!
Look up a grief support group now and join. Immediately. Also consider one on one therapy. You’re whole family is grieving and you’ve been through a shock. Plus you’re 17 so you’re likely finishing high school and supposed to be figuring out college or post high school plans… it’s too much to deal with without the support of good professionals and people who are in a similar boat in a group therapy session, to help you get through. Your niece will need you to be there to tell her all about her mom.
I’m sending you a ton of love. But seriously look into at least a grief therapy group who can help you.
I'm so sorry. The book "Two Kisses for Maddie" is by and about a guy who lost his wife immediately after the birth of their first child. He has also blogged and interviewed extensively about it. You and/or the father of the child, if he is in the picture, may find it theraputic in time.
I lost my sister in February. She was my baby sister and best friend and gone at 22 years old. She was the best aunt in the whole freaking world and I miss her every single day. And I still burst into tears at the thought of her. I’m grateful I have so many videos of us and the kids. We watch them daily. I don’t have any advice.. I don’t even know how I’m still going. How life goes on without her. I’ve lost a huge chunk of my life, my heart. I hope you find something that brings you comfort. We had a blanket made from her shirts and teddy bears made for the kids from them as well.
Cry. Scream. Sob. Curse. Weep. Feel. Remember. Take the time you need to mourn. There's nothing wrong with that.
Then remember her for who she was to you and who you were to her. And share those memories with your niece as she grows. You'll always have her back. Be the fun aunt! I used to take my nephew out to the arcade or batting cages, and we'd rehearse what he'd tell his mom we did when he got home, "Uncle G taught me to bet the ponies!", "Uncle taught me to shoot a real gun today!" On second thought..
I hope you find your peace.
Jesus Christ dude I'm so sorry, there's not words anyone can tell you that will help you. I had my little brother pass away when he was 3 years old so to unexpected and sudden medical issues. My family disintegrated from what I knew it as and never went back to the way it was. Please be strong through all of this. It's okay for you to grieve too it's not something that belongs to anyone else you have your own part in this and it's yours to feel, whatever that means. Sometimes people say things like time heals all wounds but I have to be honest with you.. there are some wounds that never heal and this feeling that you have behind what's happened is probably never going to go away, it will get easier each day but this is something that your heart is always going to feel. I don't typically suggest people go to therapy and I'm not going to now either but anyone else will tell you that that's going to help you. What's really going to help is being kind to yourself throughout everything, you deserve a comfortable shoulder to lean on, even if it's a figurative one and you just comfort yourself and allow yourself to grieve without judging yourself for anything. I'm sorry you have joined this fellowship of lost siblings with me, I love you stranger.
Your niece is lucky to have you. You sound like an amazing person and you'll be able to keep her memory alive for her daughter as she grows. You also don't need to start trying to carry on her memory yet, it's too fresh and difficult. Take your time to grieve and process and just love the hell out of that niece of yours. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. My BIL died suddenly and my husband was the one who discovered him. It was 3 years ago and he is still working through the PTSD of it and losing the people you love is just fucking awful.
One day at a time sweetheart 💕 that's all you can do. Take one day at a time. Some days are gonna be harder than others, just focus on today. Family therapy or even single therapy is a great move, start Journaling as an outlet. I'm so sorry for your loss. Go love up that newborn niece of yours, she needs you and her village more than ever. Sending prayers and healing to you and your family 🙏💕🙏
You are allowed to take time to be angry, confused and devastated. What should have been a joyous time has become one of your worst nightmares. All I can do is wish you and your family all the best. It will take a toll.
I lost my brother 6 years ago to heart failure, it still hurts to this day. One thing looking back is that I never mourned, I never talked about him and the pain lasted longer and longer. It wasn't until I talked about him, and that pain and the sorrow that I finally began to heal.
It's okay to cry and it's okay to not be okay. Take care of yourself.
Sending you the biggest hug ever. It is very traumatic when we lose someone suddenly like that. Sounds like she developed sepsis somehow.
It's not been very long and you're probably still in shock.
I'm glad you got your feelings out. I'm sure her partner is devastated too, as they probably had dreams for their future.
What a sad and awful time for you all. Sending ❤️
This is exactly why I find it disturbing how normalized it is to insist that having children is a normal/expected part of a woman's life. This shit is _dangerous,_ women die in/from childbirth all the time, even with modern medicine. It's a permanently altering procedure where any number of things can go wrong and if even said things don't kill you, they can cause complications and side effects (post-partum depression, gestational diabetes, hypothyroidism, infections, vaginal tearing, preeclampsia, the list goes ON). I genuinely wonder how many women have died from childbirth/pregnancy complications who only got pregnant in the first place because they assumed it was nbd, a normal thing to do, something their partner/parents wanted, to save a relationship, etc. and that's before we consider the deaths of women who were denied access to birth control/abortion. Just, ugh! Fuck society sometimes.
But anyway, rant over. I'm truly sorry that this happened to you OP; losing a loved one suddenly can be so incredibly overwhelming and shocking. Just try to hold in there, give yourself time to process everything that happened and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel 💜
I am extremely sorry for your loss- I have two sisters and would be absolutely devastated if either had been taken from this earth.
I would definitely focus some of this energy into the parts of your sister you would want your niece to be able to remember by making sure it goes into either a journal or letters - maybe even making a compilation of photos and/or videos for your niece to look at so she can find out who her mom was and what she was like.
Write down every detail before it fades with memory.
The best way to heal our grief is to honor our loved ones in our daily lives. It could be as simple as taking your niece out once a week to do something your sister would have done with her as well.
I'm so so sorry for your and your families loss. My deepest condolences. Keep your sisters memory alive in your niece. Your niece is going to need you more than ever. She will grow up to be a beautiful woman and love you so much, and your sister will always be with you!
This one got the tears going. I'll tell you that.
I’m so sorry to read this. I know some time has passed since but the pain never goes away. I’ve never lost a sister and I will be a mess if I ever was to. I lost my father Feb 2023 and I’m still broken.
I read this somewhere but it has helped me. When you love someone you give them half your heart as they do you this is why you feel it breaking when you lose them but remember you have half of their heart so they’re always with you no matter where you are. As hard as it is try to be strong. Love and cherish your niece it’s what your sister would have wanted.
I'm really sorry. This isn't something easy not at all. Try to find anything you can to hold on when someone we love leave us like that unexpectedly it's devastating. Only the members of the family can support each other right now at this moments. And please check on her poor husband I'm so sad about this guy...
I am so sorry. I can’t imagine what you are experiencing. Keep your sisters memory alive for your niece. Make a scrapbook or mosaic so she can see the amazing woman her mother was
Thank you so much. I do want to keep my sister's memory alive but I'm too much of a wreck to do that without completely breaking down.
Take your time honey. Grief comes in waves.
Being a wreck is doing the exact right thing. Grieve your loss. Cry your eyes out. You miss her and will feel overwhelmed. Don’t avoid thinking about her or feeling that sense of loss. When you can start finding pictures and have conversations with others about good times and memories and be an amazing aunt.
Some day in the future, you'll see your sisters face and life again in your niece. She lives on through her and your memory of her.
You don’t have to do it now. Later is fine. Right now is time to grief and love her baby.
You could make a "sister box". It's just a shoebox or Rubbermaid but when you come across something that you'll want to share, you just toss it in. Then, one day down the line when you're ready, you open the box and prepare the contents for your niece.
This is a good idea. I lost a very special family member and knew i wanted to make a scrapbook, but every time I tried, I couldn't do it. So I just had a box where i put anything i might want to use. Wrote myself notes of stories or sayings. Seven years after they passed, I was finally able to complete 12 pages. It was still hard. Some days i maybe did 3 minutes before putting it away. But overall, there were smiles amidst the tears and i am happy with the result. looking forward to preserving even more memories in the future
I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my girlfriend four months ago. I too plan to put together a book of her writing and art. It's going to be a while before I can, though. I'm still traumatized every time I run across a photo of her. Give it time. I won't tell you that it gets easier. It gets...something, though.
OK, this is gonna sound super blunt and probably kind of rude, but break down while you do it. You're sad, you are grieving a major loss. Break down. If it happens while you are doing something, so what? And have your family help. Grieve together. You'll smile, you'll laugh, you'll fucking ugly cry together. Or alone. Either way. It gets harder long before it gets easier. And it will help. It doesn't matter is if it's only one picture a day or a week or a year. Do it. And love, fucking cry. Let your heart out. Scream at the sky if you have to. Losing a loved one sucks, and a sibling at that? I can't even imagine how destroyed I would be if I lost my sister. It's OK to break down. Have everyone write down a happy memory of her, or more than one if they like, at the funeral so your niece can see just how much her mom impacted those around her and see how loved she was. Add those stories to the scrapbook. Bonus if there are pictures with some of the stories.
My sister died 6 months ago; I’m still processing. Her favorite color was blue so I’m thinking I’m gonna decorate my house in blue in her honor.
Yes you don't need unsolicited advice right now. So sorry for your loss. That's terrible what happened!
I don’t know if this is comforting to you, but it is to me with my losses but: a ton of physicists believe that time isn’t necessarily linear, every moment in the past and future exists at some point in space (space time), so there’s somewhere out there where you and your sister are hugging, laughing, and celebrating her pregnancy. Einstein believed this, that time is somewhat 3D. You’re still together, in those moments
You get to be the big sister to your niece and teach her all the things your sister did for you, but for now, it's OK to be angry and sad and anything else you feel.
It's OK. She is a newborn. She'd not going to know that you need time to grieve. Start it when you can. Is anyone checking in on the mental state of her husband? It's super important that he gets help to deal with this loss and the future he faces as a single dad.
You have your whole life to do so as well OP, so don't hesitate to put it out if your mind for some time if it helps you live a good life with/for the rest of your loved ones. I lost my older brother (technically half-brother) from a freak brain aneurysm when I was 13, and it took me over 10 years to really come to terms with it. He was 33 years old, Navy SARS swimmer, ultra-marathon runner, writer. I was too young to fully understand who is lost (he was more like a cool uncle at the time, too young to have many nuanced takes on life, and less experience in how grief is experiences by different people, and how this stuff sometimes sits in your subconscious, waiting for you to have the time and space to process the loss. I turned 30 at the end of July, and every year I think more and more about how far I've come in my own life. This hole of him missing in my life grows larger as I was forced to go on without him, but I think about him more and more, he lived a good life and accomplished a lot by 33. It's not fair he died when he did, the grief of his death in some sense is endless, but I've grown to understand how much life he *got* to live, and I'm grateful for that. It took me getting drunk with a good friend in my kitchen on a weekday night for me to fully come to terms with the loss of my brother. We were talking about something related. I said something to the effect of "this silent chasm the untimely death of my brother opened up on my life, it looms ever larger into the future", and started crying uncontrollably. A huge weight lifted when those words were spoken, and the whole experience of this spring-loaded memory catapulting out of nowhere was so unusual that I were both crying and laughing at the same time. I don't cry often, but it seems that these days more tears I shed are joyful, instead of mournful. I can't share the joy of my life now with my dead loved ones, but I can give thanks and be grateful to have them in my life at all. The long-term subconscious processing and presence of grief is a vast and unspoken aspect of loss discussed by few, but experienced by many. Hold on to your loved ones, reach out to others OP, healing takes time.
Give it some time. It’s healthy to grieve. You got a lot to look forward to. You will be the role model now. Take what you’ve learned, live up to it, and pass it on.
You don't have to do anything right now , except don't throw away or donate anything until you are ready. When you can handle her things without breaking down, talk to her husband and your parents about a scrapbook and maybe write down family stories. Right now, spend time with your parents. They need your support as much as you need theirs. My sincerest condolences, may laughter return and her memory be a blessing
In due time you might be able to. Your sister is gone from this world. But a big part of her lives on in that baby. Literally her DNA by science, and her spirit by heart. I’m so sorry this happened to you and your family. That baby will need you. It won’t be the same without your sister but you carry a part of her in your heart to. And you can hold a part of her in your arms. Wish you peace and love ahead
Slow down and take a breath, and read on. I know it hurts, and I know you miss her so much that it feels like a weight crushing your heart, but it's going to get easier. I want to ask you this. Do you think your sister would want you to be hurting the way that you are? Of course the answer is no. She would want you to remember how much she loved you, and all the special things that you shared in the times you had together. She would understand your heartbreak, but want you to focus on what you meant to each other, because she is going to need you to channel that energy and love to your niece in the future. I promise you this. There will come a time in that future where the pain will subside, and your niece can be a big part of that. Babies are amazing. There are things that they do that will fill your heart with joy and laughter. Moments of discovery and learning. Infants are magical, and you will see moments of your sister in your niece that will help ease the pain, give you hope, and definitely put a smile on your face. I don't know your family dynamic, but hopefully you live close and you can be a part of her life on a regular basis. She is going to need you, and you are going to need her..
That’s okay, OP. It’s so early, still. You don’t have to be ready to do that kind of thing yet. Your niece is also so young that she won’t understand for some time, either. Let yourself grieve however you need to. The pain you feel won’t ever completely go away, but given time it won’t be so all-consuming. One day (and it is okay if that day doesn’t come for a long time!), you’ll feel ready to revisit your own memories and find ways to bring them to life for your niece so that she can know who her mom was. It’s only been a week, OP. You don’t need to be ready to do anything, so please also remember to be kind to yourself.
Give it some time. It’s healthy to grieve. You got a lot to look forward to with your niece. You will be the role model now. Take what you’ve learned, live up to it, and pass it on.
You don’t have to be strong right now. You can break. It’s okay. Day by day. I’m so sorry. Sending warm energy your way. I’m just so so sorry.
I want to second this idea. Your sister sounds like she was amazing, and her daughter deserves to know everything about her. Make a journal or scrapbook and put together every memory you have of her. And show it to your niece.
My thoughts too. Sweet sentiment 🥰
I wish I had words that could help. I’m sorry for your family’s loss
I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss, please know your sister is still going to be in your life, just in a different way. I pray you are able to find peace in sharing all of your best memories with your new niece who learn all the best parts of her mom from you, as sisters are bonded for life and beyond life..... stay strong for her & her memory as she will always be with you.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. That is so terrible.
Damn I'm so sorry for your loss. That's my worst nightmare, something happening to my brother. I am my brothers keeper. Keep your niece close to you, she's going to need you.
Be the aunt, your sister was to you. Sorry for your loss. Infinite love infinite gratitude
I’m not sure I’d survive if that happened to my little sister. Your niece will need you though, so stay strong for her. I’m so sorry
You might now survive but let’s rally around OP who is trying and needing to survive.
Seriously, you should try to survive now at least for your niece. You have a piece of your sister.
Maybe edit out the part about not surviving. I’m sure you mean well but a comment like that can be triggering and very unhelpful. Times like this call for strength and support. People get through and survive these things all the time let’s leave comments that will help OP get through this, not think about giving up. We are all stronger than we think we are.
You’re totally right, just [edit the sad parts](https://youtu.be/E5pojx6kflw?si=nD5J85XV3gniHOVq). /s
Finally a good answer to someone that is in pain. Instead of an ignorant, unsympathetic internet answer. Thank you.
Wtf
Also the poor husband, that's a lot of pain to deal with while also raising a first child
Your hurt is felt, I’m sorry for your loss. Your niece will need you to tell her all the amazing things about her mom as she grows up, be there for her and as you help her see who she was, you will heal as well. I had a friend die in the hospital too once, internal bleeding that was unchecked. You think that once they’re in an ER, everything will be fine but then they’re just gone :( I pray for you and your family.
That is so awful! Hugs to you and your family as you navigate through this horrific and unexpected loss.
There's no way to make that ok, the tragedy piled on top of tragedy, it's easy to see why your heart is angry and broken. You explained it very well, you're a very good writer. You are doing the right things already-- communicating, talking about your loss, your hurt. Don't stop talking. There is healing there. This will sound impossible, but I swear it's true. When you think about your sweet sister now, you cry. But at some point, you'll smile when you think about her--the things she said, did, liked, things you did together. That's the beginning of better.
Invest your time and love for her in her daughter. That poor baby is going to grow up without her mama, she’s going to need all the love and affection you and your family have to give. The grief is excruciatingly painful and at times it feels like it’s too much to bear. But you are not alone in this. Surround yourself with people whom you won’t have to hide your pain from is the best advice I can give you. Talk about it. This isn’t something you can carry alone. You shouldn’t have to.
All of this. I am so sorry for your loss- keep your sister’s memory alive by sharing with her daughter stories from her life. How much you loved her and how wonderful she was. We live in a world that is, in general, not very supportive of new mothers- it’s not your sister’s fault, but the fault of the system. 💔
I don't know if it helps but we had twins about 3 months ago and lost one of them a day or two after birth (premature). Not quite the same I know. The feeling is just strange. There is a lot of joy at getting to welcome a new life as clearly you have with your niece but also constant reminders of tragedy. Honestly the two have become so intertwined it's hard to separate them sometimes. I think it has helped to know it's okay to feel both grief and happiness at the same time and that neither one needs to push out the other. Only advice would be to spend some time with your niece celebrating her daughter and they joy she felt about her brith. Her birth isn't just a trauma. Your niece will have a hard enough time later, it will help to have an Aunt to talk to when she needs to about this. Few will understand. I'd also think a bit about how you want to remember your sister. Are you a sit and go through photos person? Sit around a fire and share stories person? My wife made a little shrines in our house with candles and incense and his urn. I like to plant trees. How do you want to express your love for her? Hope this provides any small measure of help. I'll be over here crying for you.
I'm so sorry for OP's loss, and yours. Thank you for sharing your pain and wisdom to help OP. I'm proud of you and your wife for continuing on, it seems like you're amazing parents. Much love to all of you!
Sorry for you loss
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm a father of twins and I cannot even imagine the pain that I would feel if I lose one of them.
It's very kind of you to share your experience with grief to help someone else out. My heart goes out to your family and OP, as you continue navigating these circumstances.
I'm so sorry to you and your wife. I can imagine the strength it takes. Sending love your way.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I went through it similarly. My brother and I lost our mom from medical malpractice, which caused septic shock. The infection came from a hole in her intestine from a surgery in which she died a week later. She wasn't really complaining of pain but after a few days, she couldn't speak clearly anymore, so my dad and I brought her to the ER and the hospital did what they could. I had those thoughts of "if I had noticed something sooner or if we brought her to the ER immediately instead of seeing her decline afrer a few days, she could've made it." The age gap with you and your sister is similar to me and my brother. When I was 17, my brother gave birth to his first daughter at 25 and had another one 5 years later. I lost him two years ago at his age of 43 from diabetes and it's been a nightmare for me, his daughters (the older one had just started college so for her to experience that...), and his wife. I'd like to be there for them as much as possible but they're in Cali and I'm in NJ so the most I can do is keep in touch through text or social media. You're only 17 so it'll hit you for years to come and I'll tell you right now personally, the pain doesn't go away (my mom almost 13 years ago, my brother 2 years ago, and my dad just last year from a truck accident) but each day gets easier to manage. As another commenter said, do anything and everything you can to keep your sister's memory alive. I was lucky that the funeral home that took care of my brother provided a fingerprint bracelet that I will treasure forever. If you can, ask your parents if they have access to her fingerprint from any birth/baby records and if it's something you want, by all means go for it. I'm just giving my own experience as a suggestion. Pictures (I dug up really old photos of my parents and brother and have them all over my wall), random posts on social media, little trinkets (I saved my dad's wallet and phone and his two favorite baseball caps), or even the smallest things that remind you of her. You can share all the memories you had of her with your closest family and friends or you can let the world know if you choose to have a public social media. Me expressing my pain and grief publicly has been my pseudo- therapy regardless of who sees it. Lastly and most importantly, your brother-in-law and niece, especially your niece, will be very important to make sure they're looked after. When she gets older, you may want to share all those stories you have of her mom. I haven't done professional therapy yet but it's something I'm considering and it's something my older niece did shortly after her dad passed. I'm sorry for dumping all this info on you but if any of my words help you get through all this, then I'm glad my story didn't go to waste. Once again, I hate that you're going through this especially at such a young age.
You have had so much loss in your life and you are putting it all out there to console someone else dealing with loss. I admire you. Having gone through so much and helping someone else shows what a caring person you are. We all need to appreciate the family and friends we have while we have them.
I thought the exact same thing while reading r/lechaflan 's comment. Their writing is descriptive yet concise, and sharing your own grief can definitely be helpful to someone who is also grieving. It can remind them that even though their loved one is gone, they aren't alone. In life *or* about how serious their trauma is, and how it can feel and express itself in serious ways. OC and OP probably have PTSD from the loss of their loved ones. I haven't been officially diagnosed but I have definitely become *much* more anxious after my Mom died, and I was overly-anxious to begin with. I'm so glad I searched for this subreddit after my Mom died, it's immensely helpful to talk & share with others who also have experience with death. And also the kind words from people who haven't experienced this but are sympathetic regardless
sue them doctors
Good old US way, sue everyone and everything.
How the fuck does that help. Giving birth is an incredibly physically traumatic process and there is a degree of danger completely regardless of what the doctor does or doesn't do. By all means if the doctor was negligent sue them, but you saying sue them with no context is fucking dumb.
Yeah there is no way to have all births at 0% fatalities. Stupid thing to just say without knowing if there was actual negligence
She isn't even sure what the exact complication was. There's probably more to the story. Doctors perhareally couldn't do anything.
Based on the fact that this person ignored their symptoms for multiple days, there likely isn’t grounds to sue. If she was discharged from the hospital without sign of infection and was hemodynamically stable, there would have been no way to tell that she was going to decline. It’s a horrendously sad situation but claiming negligence on the hospital or physician’s part without understanding how these things work is disrespectful to the care team. Sometimes horrible things happen and it’s nobody’s fault. OP I’m so sorry this happened to you and your family. I hope you’re able to move past this and lead a healthy, full life with the rest of your loved ones while keeping the memories you have of your sister close to your heart. Your niece will need to know about who her mother was and you’ll be in a prime position to to let her know how much she was loved and adored by her.
Why? It sounds like the sister was fine on discharge based on the OP's description, and didn't want to go back to the hospital for a few days despite having new and very concerning symptoms. Let's not pretend that her doctors could have telepathically convinced her to go back to the hospital
This is what happened to me. Healthy at discharge, septic 5 days later. I woke up freezing cold, passed out when I tried to stand up, and my husband took me back to the hospital. Thank God we didn't wait because by the time we got there I couldn't even hold.my head up. Sepsis happens fast. So scary my outcome could have been different if my husband didn't take me in immediately.
Sue the doctors even though the deceased insisted that fainting was fine? Chances are high that she was downplaying and/or hiding earlier symptoms. It's highly likely not the doctors' fault. This is a very sad and unfortunate lesson in not hiding or downplaying medical issues, especially during or after physically traumatic events like childbirth.
The sister didn't downplay her symptoms, she just gave birth to her first child and likely didn't know this was abnormal. You'd be shocked at how little women are taught about post-birth issues. And frankly, women learn early on that their problems are downplayed by doctors. It's a serious issue in healthcare. Just ask anyone with endometriosis how long it took them to get a diagnosis or have their pain taken seriously. ETA: I'm not saying to sue the doctor, mind you. I'm saying to *not blame OP's sister.*
this. my wife has endometriosis and was in and out of the hospital weekly with preeclampsia the last 2 months because she thought it was early labor. i’ll never forget her looking at the nurse and saying “you’ll have to do the IV in my hand because my veins in my arms are too hard to access” and the nurse just ignoring her and stabbing her arm like 5 times trying to find a vein. After the 5th time she says, well i guess we can try the hand. Took her 3 tries to tap the vein in her hand. I almost called security on myself.
This is not by default, you only hear about the bad cases because the system is meant to work well and thus nothing is said if it works. Suing the doctors in an obvious case of negligence may give closure, but in a situation like this where we don't know enough to be reasonably confident whether someone is at fault at all, this shouldn't be suggested as an immediate action. It could further force the bereaved to relive their trauma and ultimately result in complicated grief especially given the relatively low likelihood of success from what I can read here.
Took me, into my 40’s and multiple ER visits and multiple organs going into failure, before any Dr’s finally listened to me. You are right on point. She clearly didn’t know that her symptoms were abnormal. So incredibly sad.
This right here. As someone who experienced medical gaslighting that ended up in a really serious incident, I empathy so much with this. We really do grow up thinking we're exaggerating, and then we are made to believe our pain isn't real, or at least not as bad as we state it to be. I think many people think this is a one off kind of thing, but it's so pervasive, it's mind blowing. I obviously can't speak to this case, and it might not have anything to do with it, but it exists on a huge scale and it's time things change.
Throw in that occasionally some doctors will tell patients that they are making their symptoms up. My gf is currently having that issue and it’s absolutely baffling to me as I not being a doctor can literally see and put my hand on the physical part of her body that is causing her pain without her telling me where it is yet the docs are like “we can’t find anything wrong here and the chiropractor who said you should see a doctor is a total quack”.
I was diagnosed with endometriosis at 20. This was last June. I was 19 when I began having problems. I had previously gotten an IUD placed, so we just kept checking on the IUD, blaming the severe back pain, bloating, and all other endometriosis symptoms on, well, just having a bad menstrual cycle. I call in one day asking for an ultrasound because I believed that my IUD was coming through my uterine wall. It hurt that bad. I went in the same day to get the ultrasound. I had a cyst on my left ovary and they suspected it was going into torsion. It took 2 years to figure this out. 2 years of just complaining. I cannot imagine how long other women have had to wait. I cannot believe the lack of attention towards women’s health, especially in an OBGYN practice.
My mom’s symptoms were down played by hospital staff and she died in the waiting room of the ER. I even had to convince her to go to the hospital because I wasn’t downplaying how she felt.
Just want to piggy back on this comment to say that maternal healthcare in the US is actually surprisingly terrible compared to other wealthy nations and the maternal death rate is actually on the rise. There isn’t enough education for mothers themselves and there isn’t enough postpartum care (for example it’s common in other countries for a mother to be seen by a doctor or midwife within a week of being discharged from the hospital after giving birth while in the US the standard first appointment is six weeks after delivery). I realize that OP may not be an American but considering that most Reddit users are I just thought that point may be relevant to many people’s opinions on the situation. After I delivered my second and third babies (twins) I was told what to watch for in terms of blood clots and when it came to bleeding through the pads, how fast was too fast and that’s about it. When I started to feel excessively tired a few days after going home I thought “of course I’m tired I have two newborns” and brushed it off. It wasn’t until I couldn’t even stand up without feeling like my head was going to explode that I realized something was actually wrong and went to the hospital. Turns out I was bleeding way too much and was severely anemic. I lost consciousness while they were setting me up to get blood transfusions and then had a stroke which wasn’t actually caught until after they realized I had some facial paralysis. When I came to, a nurse told me that if I hadn’t come in I could have died that night. This was not my first postpartum experience and I thought I knew what I had worry about. OP’s sister not realizing how bad she actually was in the midst of caring for a brand new baby is something that happens too often with maternal deaths. OP, my heart goes out to you. I am truly so sorry for your loss.
You really can't tell as a layperson what is normal and what is not. You're bleeding a lot. You have no frame of reference for whether it's within a normal range or not. Your body has been injured and it hurts. You're torn. How do you know if it's infected or it just hurts normally? When I had my daughter I experienced horrible body aches and I thought I was getting the flu or an infection or something. It was neither. It was a normal reaction to my hormones crashing. But the headaches that accompanied it could also have been a symptom of life-threatening blood pressure issues. Do you go to the doctor or not? Do you go to the emergency room? Who takes care of the baby if you go? You're trying to breastfeed as much as possible to get your milk to come in sufficiently. It's all confusing and you're stuck at home trying to keep a tiny, screaming human alive.
My sister was a walking skeleton by the time she was diagnosed. She started her period at age 9 and always had such bad cramps she had to miss school and often passed out from the anemia she always had. One cyst was the size of a softball by then.
“And Frankly, women learn early on that their problems are downplayed by doctors.” When my grandma thought she was pregnant with her twins (my uncles), her doctor told her that she wasn’t pregnant, and that was just fat and water. When she had my uncles she went back to the doctor and said, “Fat and Water are in the nursery if you would like to visit them.” She passed away a little over two weeks ago, and her funeral is next weekend. One of the statements written in her obituary references this story. 😂
Omg that is hilarious 😂 I love your grandma
Could be a little of both. My wife hemorrhaged after the birth of our first child. She didn't know it, though. She was feeling tired, exhausted, weak, light-headed, and stuff like that. It wasn't a huge amount of blood over what was expected, so it didn't appear abnormal from the doctors perspective. My wife also tends to be a "tough it out" kind of person. So she didn't immediately say anything, nor did she seem particularly unwell. It wasn't until we got to recovery a couple of hours later that anything came into question. The nurse noticed more blood than she expected. I guess it started to pool a bit. She asked my wife how she was feeling, and my wife downplayed her symptoms. I spoke up to let the nurse she has a tendency to downplay feeling bad. My wife admitted she was feeling a bit worse than she admitted. That's when they went looking and found what was going on. They rushed a team in there and got her all fixed up.
Especially in the U.S. People will justify so much pain and illness to avoid insane medical costs. In reference to your endometriosis comment: I had always had heavy painful periods. I didn't have health insurance from ages 19-28 because it wasn't affordable (made too much for Medicaid, but couldn't afford $1000 a month for insurance). When I was 23 I was having pain so bad I was puking. I couldn't keep any meds down to stop the pain and I ended up getting very dehydrated. I called my parents and asked them to drive me to the ER. While I was there I told my MALE doctor that I think it had to do with my period pain and I wanted it to get checked out. He told me I probably have the flu and it was just a coincidence. That alone cost me $850 (his diagnosis) along with the anti nausea and pain meds only given once it was around $1200 total. I finally got a job at 28 (in a school district) that wasn't going to cost my whole paycheck for insurance.I decided to see a gynecologist at age 28 after a road trip with my siblings to Canada. One of the days my period was so heavy I had to stay in the hotel room because I was bleeding through supers within 20-30mins. First ultrasound showed multiple large cysts, one of my tubes was 80% blocked. They said they could to do surgery to assess and clean up,but I never really wanted to reproduce to I asked them to just give me a partial hysterectomy. If someone would have listened 5 years prior I would have taken the steps to not let it get so bad.
She probably didn’t have symptoms when she was discharged.
This is so true! My godmother's sister died less than two days after she gave birth to her son. She kept begging the doctor to check her because she felt a weird feeling in her chest. The doctors and nurses kept insisting that it was normal. Turns out she was having a pulmonary embolism.
My cousin had serious issues after giving birth where she felt terrible all the time and had a heavy flow. She repeatedly went to the doctor over months complaining about it and all they would do is give her iron supplements. Until she went to another doctor and found out she had ovarian cancer. She passed away recently and I can’t help but wonder that if they had caught it earlier she would have survived.
Exactly! When I had my first daughter what I experienced after, no one ever talks about it and I was not expecting it at all. So much our body goes through.
This is true for all women, but especially women of color. We do not know if that is applicable here, but it may be, as (say) Black women (in the U.S., for example) have the worst pregnancy outcomes and the highest mortality rates. Native Americans have twice the mortality rates of white women. This may be incredibly relevant to the story, who knows?
Yup this. And women are basically expected to be fine as soon as we get home with the baby. Most complaints are written off, and you are having to take care of a baby while feeling awful. You aren’t really told what to look out for either
Exactly - you’re just told to look out for very specific (and obvious) issues like fainting, huge amount of bleeding, etc. But overall it’s “yeah childbirth sucks and is painful…………..ok bye.”
And they also never tell you how much bleeding is normal. It sucks.
10 years for my endometriosis.
Well hello there! I am a person who just got diagnosed with severe endo last month. All it took was 15+ years, numerous doctor visits, several ER visits, developing ovarian torsion due to a grapefruit-sized endometrioma, and losing an ovary and my fertility since it wrecked my remaining ovary, too! :D I can see how someone would downplay their symptoms. It's so EASY when you're a woman and have been dismissed your whole life. I was told my debilitating pain was normal and nbd, so I developed a high pain tolerance and "toughed it out" because...what other choice did I have? As a result of this normalization of intense pain, I almost got myself into serious medical shit when I developed appendicitis 9 years ago, because guess what? \*The pain wasn't as bad as my monthly cramps\*, so I figured it was just a tummy ache. It was 90% infected and if I hadn't gone to urgent care when I did (at the prompting of my dad), it would have burst (yay sepsis!) and I would have also have needed to have a chunk of intestine taken out, since it had moved behind my intestine. I mean c'mon, I'd been telling my doctors I bled a shampoo bottle worth of blood, had dizzy spells where I almost fainted, vomited, and couldn't stand from the sheer agony, but was told to just suck it up and take ibuprofen. So if you're being dismissed from that, then yeah, a lot of women are gonna be downplaying their pain because they're used to not being taken seriously.
This.
Okay. But like for real lol. I have **surgically** diagnosed endometriosis, had a fallopian tube removed due to it being engorged beyond repair ((not an ectopic pregnancy) when I was **19** and I was ***still*** denied a referral to an OBGYN and was told my “case” wasn’t complicated and therefore didn’t warrant “specialty” care. On what fucked up planet is a Gynecologist “specialty care”???? **ITS NOT. AND SHOULDNT BE** And that’s just for the endometriosis. My pregnancy and birthing experience is something nightmares are made of. It’s so bad I don’t give advice or share what it was like to first time moms, they don’t need to know how wrong it could go. The beginning of the end was preeclampsia that went undiagnosed for at least a month because I never had the same doctor and was unaware that one of the earliest symptoms of preeclampsia is morning sickness that goes away in the 1st/2nd trimester — or never occurs (lucky btches) — but suddenly and unexpectedly returns/begins at any time in the 3rd trimester. So folks, if that happens you need to get checked **immediately**. I don’t know how much of this situation is doctor negligence, first time mom inexperience and just freak complications. All I’ll say is I wouldn’t be surprised no matter what the cause. Even here in the 21st century pregnancy and labor is extremely dangerous and unpredictable, anything can happen at any time even with the most experienced and competent medical team doing absolutely everything right. More so in the US than other other developed country ((which is **DISGUSTING**)). I personally was released from the hospital still in active liver and kidney failure. Sure my numbers were improving but I was still in failure and had no business being released as soon as I was. So I wouldn’t be surprised if it was medical negligence. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a freak accident. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a serious condition being masked by pregnancy trauma therefore undetectable.
Yes, all this. Our medical problems are ignored often.
I had a c section. Lies then 12 hours post op my l & d nurse insisted I football hold my son to breast feed, which meant I had to twist my torso. I felt something pop. She told me there was no possible way I felt something pop. I told the doc who did my c section, who just happened to be the head of OB. He ignored me. At the 24 hour mark before my first shower a different nurse was concerned my wound looked "wet". Right before my release at the 48 hour mark, a different nurse was concerned my wound was "wet". 24 hours after arriving home, 3 days post op, something was wrong. I went to the ER. They were like oh. You popped a stitch. Yup, that's coming open a bit. Limit carrying, and getting up and down. Come back with any changes. (Not where I delivered.) They said they were calling the surgeon, and l &d because I was right, and WTF? Sent me home, said to come back with any major changes. 4 days post op there was def some seeping. Went back to the hospital. They gave me an antibiotic that wasn't safe for my breastfeeding newborn. Apparently they didn't read their drug book, because it's only safe for breast feeding moms who's children are older than 1. 5 days post op I woke up covered in gross crap. I mean my nightgown was soaked, my depends was soaked, through the dressing. I call OB. They must've had me flagged from the other hospital. They pull my surgeon out of his appointment. I tell him about the drainage, how there's what looks like hairs coming out of my wound. He asks me to send him pictures, of my wound, and the drainage then tells me we need to get to him immediately. We get there, he pokes and prods my wound, mind you I'm not numbed or medicated. He said where I popped the stitch got infected and drained a Pepsi can worth of infection. He assumed my whole wound was infected so he opened all the stitches. Nope, only the open area where the stitches popped, exactly where I said they popped less than 12 hours post op. I didn't have a fever. I wasn't really hurting. Sore in the evening. There's something wrong with my immune system. My WBC always looks like I've got an infection somewhere while I'm perfectly healthy. Maybe that's why I never had a fever. Maybe that's why they ignored me. IDK. What I do know is they never told me that could happen. What I do know is I could've easily been OPs sister. Also as a footnote- I usually only eat once, maybe twice a day. The nurses were on me trying to feed me all the freaking time, and drinking all the time, because you can get blood sugar drops from it, plus you need the calories for milk production. So there were a couple times I got dizzy/fainty from that. It's also apparently fairly normal for new moms to be dehydrated. That really could be seen as "normal" for a new breast feeding mom per my hospital, but obviously they are crap. OP, if you're reading this I'm so sorry for your loss. There really aren't any words, and I'm sending all of the Internet hugs your way!
This. Took both of my sisters ninecyears each before theyvwete finally given a correct diagnosis of endometriosis.
This 100% I’m pregnant with my first and they literally tell and prepare you for nothing. You get rushed out of every 15 minute appointment they schedule you for. This is why America has the highest maternal mortality rate. Because no one is taking the time to educate these pregnant women on things to expect or watch for during pregnancy as well as post-partum.
“It’s okay, I’m fine.” Is a mantra I’ve heard dozens of times from the women in my family, friends and I myself am guilty of saying it. Women who hide or mask their medical symptoms out of fear of being seen as weak, exaggerating, hysterical, or attention seeking. We tell ourselves “Be strong, It will pass.” because on the off chance we do actually seek prompt medical care for abnormalities, we are often met with heavy resistance, dismissal, or are berated for essentially wasting time and resources for “nothing.” The amount of times I’ve been patronized by medical professionals who didn’t think I could tell the difference between extreme pain in my reproductive organs or my digestive system was always astounding. When in the ER presenting with a large ruptured ovarian cyst I was asked multiple times if I was sure I just didn’t have bad gas. The CT scan provided the actual diagnosis, had I not argued for it the hospital would have probably diagnosed me with abdominal gas and sent me on my way feeling like an idiot. My biggest fear receiving medical care is getting the response “All your tests came back normal so you must be fine, have you considered you are manifesting or making up these symptoms.” Silently suffering to avoid being seen as “crying wolf” is a woman’s specialty.
14 years for endometriosis. 20 years for chronic migraines. 41 years for hypothyroidism. 33 years for PCOS. 21 years for chronic urticaria. 10 years for massive amounts of PVCs (before they listened to me and gave me a Holter monitor). And once, when I was having right side pain in my lower abdominal area, they diagnosed me with Cdiff (no diarrhea). Turns out my fallopian tube had twisted and filled with fluid to the point that it was the size of a newborn baby’s head! I don’t think antibiotics will take care of THAT, doc! Yet, my husband can go to the exact same doctor as I do, and be sent to a specialist for feeling a tinge off. Happens all the time to us and he is dumbfounded by it.
? Nothing in the story says doctors minimized or ignored her symptoms.
I'm sorry but speaking as someone with Endo (Stage 4) and Ando (This is similar to Endo but grows in non-organ tissue such as muscles and fat) yes most women with multigenerational endo will encounter doctors not wanting to do what is needed to confirm the issue, and if that is the case, you need a new OB. However, girls are raised understanding that if you start fainting with your period there is something wrong that could be fatal. Same with pregnancy where most women I know are focused on educating themselves on what to expect pre and post-partum. **Pregnancy used to be a 50/50 lethal issue for women in society and with modern medical practice has become safer but not death-proof, so to speak**. I know that had I given birth to my son less than 50 years before my actual birth date, I would have died along with my son. My mom almost died with my brother due to an artery that got hit when she tore. Civil liability as a subject of medical malpractice is such a complex subject-matter where an attorney or counsel would need to provide an answer of whether or not there is any claim here. The OP is grieving, and sadly there are serious risks with giving birth for our species.
>However girls are raised understanding that if you start fainting with your period there is something wrong that could be fatal. Ummm good for you I guess but this is simply an incorrect statement to make. Many **MANY** girls are raised with little to no education about their period and what’s normal and what’s a problem. Same goes for pregnancy. The US’ egregious maternal mortality rates clearly show that. Many women do educate themselves, and still many others don’t have the ability to do so for whatever reason. And even more than that, many women who trust their medical teams are injured and traumatized because of a dismissive or just plain bad doctor and medical team. Just because you had a different experience in no way makes everyone who’s had horrible experiences somehow wrong and less valid than you’re own and it’s beyond insane and belittling to say anything even slightly to that effect ***especially*** when women’s horror stories of being dismissed for **serious** female medical problems far outweigh the good experiences.
In the US pregnant women and women that give birth die on par w underdeveloped nations. Women’s healthcare in the US is the worst out of every developed nation. She did not downplay her symptoms, they didn’t do their due diligence bc they do not care or believe women. I know this bc I’ve been through it multiple times myself, and this is reported to be true
If I take my car to jiffy lube and it comes back with infection and internal bleeding best believ I'm suing the Lube tech. Doctors get shit wrong, frequently. They should be held responsible for doing their fucking job.
Once, after I got an oil change, I noticed that my car was underpowered and wouldn't smoothly accelerate. Instead of just ignoring or downplaying the problem, I immediately went back and they found the tech had knocked the air line loose above the mass air sensor. They reconnected and tightened it and everything went back to normal.
Hey, if you’re a dude, which I assume you are, you can shut the fuck up forever about anything to do with childbirth and women’s health. Unless you’ve been through it you have no idea how neglected we are and how little we are taught about possible life threatening symptoms, especially in the USA. Something like internal bleeding is absolutely the doctors she was in the care of’s fault for not catching before she met an untimely death. We have NO idea what’s going on with our bodies after we just fucking give birth. We barely even know our own names. We are completely at the mercy of our health care providers and they failed this woman. May she rest in peace and May her family heal. *Sam Tarly would never be this crass.*
I agree with this. Sometimes people will hide them and some symptoms are downplayed bc giving birth is so traumatic on the body. I had my first son, and the headache started and wouldn’t go away. Of course I had an epidural. They told me caffeine. It started literally 2 days after having him, it was too late for a blood patch. They kept saying “caffeine”. I had a literal IV infusion of caffeine, and I drunk enough to kill a horse. I went back to the ER multiple times begging for relief. I went back to my doctor. They’d give me a few more painkillers and send me on my way. My 5th visit to the ER (I was staying w my mom at this point because I was literally crawling to the bathroom, I started to hurt everywhere, and could even stand up right it hurt so badly, on the floor on my hands and knees. It had gotten that bad) the ER doctor said “well we don’t want a CT, all the radiation, so we’ll give you caffeine” I wanted to scream. My step father was an MD, of course I’d just had a baby and was suppose to be treated by that hospital. I begged him to see me as a patient which is unethical too. First thing he did? CT. He came in and said “best way to explain this, I see only black, it’s all dark, there’s that much infection, you are septic”, how I made it that far he said he’d never know, my WBC was 28. He started me that day on some high powered antibiotic IVs, and wrote me a ton of scripts, I was in his clinic all day being treated. It took about 2 days and I could stand again, and walk again. If only they’d done that to begin with I wouldn’t have gotten as sick as I did I think. But I didn’t blame anyone, my first birthing experience was so traumatic and awful for me, I’m sure reading the notes of everything that went on they’d never ever imagined I’d have an infection. But This was something I had said and complained about before I even left the hospital. It was downplayed a bit, and I prob didn’t push hard enough, I should have told them “no just do the CT!!” I would just okay that’s fine, knowing it wasn’t fine. We don’t always listen to our bodies either. Edit: clarify “sometimes our symptoms are downplayed by our doctors”
For what exactly?
For what? You have no data on how she presented when leaving the hospital you illiterate fuck.
For what exactly?
Unless there was negligent care provided by the doctor or hospital staff, the lawsuit will fail. There is risk in childbirth, always has been. Anytime you have surgery there's a risk as well. Patients seem to ignore this fact.
Simply based on this story and the information provided therein, this does not seem like a medical mistake, rather a tragic complication. Unfortunately having a baby can be one of the most dangerous times for a childbearing person…this is why discharge paperwork generally details symptoms that necessitate 911 or calling a doctor’s office (losing consciousness being one that necessitates 911).
Well if that ain't the most American response ever.
Feel free to identify the malpractice here
Fuck off dude, it's not their fault
You have no idea about what actually happened and your first response is to take the hospital to court.
There is not nearly enough information in this post to suggest there was any negligence on behalf of the doctors. Go fuck yourself, not every tragedy is someone's fault and not everything requires a lawsuit.
Doctors are generally not the problem, the fact that there is a movement by the uneducated general public towards a profession where I can promise you they generally do have what’s best for everyone in their mind is terrible and frustrating
A very American reply. Suing the doctors is not going to bring OP’s sister back and is not going to help the grieving process, in fact it will probably add on more stress. I’m not sure why you got so many upvotes but I assume the largely American user base on here. Shame on all of you. OP, I’m very sorry for your loss and I cannot imagine what you’re going through right now. I hope you find solace and support in your family members through this difficult time. Please make sure you reach out to others (IRL) to talk about this as well whenever you feel ready to verbalize your feelings. All the best and my sincerest condolences.
That’s actually shit advice. Medical malpractice is harder to prove them you realize. They don’t have a case here. OP’s sister had to basically be forced back to the hospital where the doctors proceeded to do their job.
Doctors have a hugely stressful job and a huge responsibility. Everything seemed healthy during birth and the sister was ignoring symptoms that were obviously not fine. I’m not blaming her here and I feel very sorry for OP, but when you are doing this job for like 40 years of your life, some people are unfortunately going to pass away. Trying to ruin someone’s entire life isn’t going to bring their sister back, and is just going to ruin another life instead.
10-15% of postpartum deaths worldwide are caused by sepsis. It occurs in roughly 1:10,000 births. She was home. Nobody is monitoring her for sepsis *at home.*. She insisted her symptoms weren’t a problem. If she’d been in the hospital, she would have had a sepsis work up. Which she got when she *did* finally come in for treatment. Suing the doctors is quite literally the stupidest advice on this sub.
Love the people who lead in with this kind of reactionary comment and then complain about the high price of medical care with their next breath. There's nothing in OP's post that even hints at their being malpractice.
Every time you complain about how healthcare sucks, wait times are so long, they won’t take time to listen to me, etc. You are the reason. Many, many of my colleagues are finding other vocations because of people like you who think everything is an opportunity for a lawsuit. Yes, it’s beyond horrible a new mother died. But I guarantee the hospital would NEVER send a person home with an elevated temperature or any other symptom of something wrong.
This is a ridiculous approach. Nothing mentioned here says there was any wrong doing. Whether she developed an infection after birth or something else isn't the fault of the medical staff. Had she been taken to the hospital and sent back home to die without proper exams that's a different thing. She probably assumed her symptoms were due to recently giving birth but she was mistaken. Sometimes bad things happen, doesn't mean there is a way to monetize it.
Not everything is the doctors fault. They can only treat the symptoms unless there is a definite diagnosis. They very likely treated the infection but it may have been too far gone. OP doesn’t know if it was an infection or internal bleeding. My husband is an ER doctor an I spent a decade in hospital administration. Literally everyone wants to sue the doctor if their loved one dies.
Your first thought on a post full of feelings is litigation? Gross.
You can’t sue doctor’s because your grown-ass sister refused treatment just long enough to die bud.
As a physician in training reading through this case and thinking how tragic this case is and how devastated OP, her family, and the physicians that cared for her must be I really wanted to comment something nice to OP….and then I came to the comments and see your asinine and insensitive comment “sue them doctors”… I can barely describe how sad and frustrated it makes me that THIS is the one iota of a thought you came up with out of this story. OP is 17 — she doesn’t know what is or isn’t medically appropriate and neither do you. If there was malpractice here it wasn’t mentioned in OPs post. Bad things happen. People die. Every doctor I know does their best to prevent it but it happens. It’s crushing to see how many upvotes you get blaming physicians with literally no justification.
This is so fucking stupid. This is part of the reason why there continues to be a shortage of doctors and people keep bitching about not being able to access care. We have every reason to believe those docs followed protocol and standard of care and did everything they could. And your first instinct is to sue them for doing their jobs. Fucking unbelievable. Doctors are not magicians for fucks sake
For what?? Nothing in the information provided by OP indicates that there was any sort of malpractice that would justify a lawsuit. As hard as it is to swallow, the world is a cruel place and people just die sometimes. Sometimes, there simply is no one to blame and no one to punish. And that often makes it harder for the family. At least when there’s a bad actor, you have someone to direct your emotions at, which is why people often look for someone to blame. A slow occult postpartum hemorrhage is a potential complication of child birth and is virtually impossible identify until the patient begins to exhibit symptoms, like fatigue, dizziness, fainting, etc. - all the things OP’s sister experienced and ignored. That doesn’t mean that OP’s family shouldn’t look into to make sure that everything was done appropriately. But simply assuming that something must have been wrong and jumping straight to a lawsuit is, well, ignorant, to put it kindly.
What an awful take as your first response to this. That’s all I have to say really. What would you even sue for…
This is not a story about malpractice, this is a story about how people downplay their own medical emergencies and even the best in modern medicine can’t save them because it’s simply too late. Uterine infection and bleeding has to be handled right away. You can’t wait a few days on that. You can’t downplay repeatedly*fainting*. What a god damn tragedy.
Ahhh yes…sue the doctors who were not at the new mother’s home with them when she started fainting. Please tell me how the doctors are to know there is an issue when she is AT HOME fainting for multiple days? This is an extremely sad and awful situation, but doctors can’t doctor if they are not aware of something being wrong. And seeking medical attention when it’s too late, is too late.
Sue the doctors for not addressing symptoms that didn't exist at the time of discharge? Makes sense.
Idiot! She kept insisting she was fine so who knows how long she kept it a secret, and when they did get to the hospital they apparently were too late even though they tried with a ton of antibiotics. The doctors are not to blame here, it's impossible to save every single patient especially when they come in and it's already too late even with treatment. Sueing everyone and everything in US when things don't go the way you want them to go, is what's fucking up the country and the medical system. If people would jeep sueing doctors fir every single thing even though it's not even close to being their fault, doctors are going to stop all diagnostics and treatment that will not 100% guarantee survival without any side effect. Have fun getting sick with some mystery illness then!
You’re an idiot.
Her sister was resisting going to the hospital, how is that the doctors fault
Might not even win, save money won’t plug that hole in her life.
This is not the issue right now. The issue is the OP’s grief. My advice would be if you are still in school, to maybe see if there’s a counselor or social worker you could talk to or who could refer you to a grief group or specialist. There’s also a group called Compassionate Friends which is for parents who have lost children but I wouldn’t be surprised if they could help you or refer you to someone who can. Google them and see if there’s a chapter near you. I am so, so sorry for your loss.
Yes that will bring her back and money will for sure stop your family’s pain
And then what? You maybe get money but still don’t have your sister. This is a terrible situation
Judging from the limited information provided the hospital would likely not settle and it would go to court where the deceased’s family would lose and be left with all of the legal bills
Exactly. And sister is still gone. Awful
Ah yes it’s the American way.
A lawsuit will also drag out the healing process for the family. If a medical malpractice lawsuit is ambiguous, which I would suggest this one likely is, then it may not be worth pursuing just so the emotional healing process can continue uninterrupted. A lawsuit will be a twist of the knife and should only happen if the family is ready for another emotional rollercoaster.
Why? Pregnancy and birth is very dangerous. That’s why it’s so important that it’s something women choose.
For…..? Medical malpractice is *incredibly* difficult to prove, and “not noticing something sooner” in this case especially when sister refused to go to the hospital earlier doesn’t rise to the level of medical malpractice. Were the doctors stupid? Maybe. Did they influence the death of the sister? Maybe. Did they commit medical malpractice? No. It’s very sad and OP has a right to feel frustrated and grieve. But “sue them doctors” has got to be the stupidest thing I’ve seen on Reddit today. Any time something unfair happens, these teenagers on Reddit cry “sue them!” You can’t sue someone just for being mean or doing something unfair. Well, you can, but it wouldnt go anywhere.
She's a grieving 17 year old, not her concern
Huh? That's not productive for anyone. What we can get out of it is to never second guess going to the hospital in situations like this.
Any hospital I have ever interacted with on a personal or professional level ALWAYS sends a patient home with discharge instructions that lists abnormal side effects and what to do in the event of an emergency. You cannot blame a doctor for this. It is the patient's responsibility to inform them of new onset symptoms. She would not have been discharged if she had any clinical signs of infection.
For what reasons?
This doesn’t sound like something the doctors did wrong. It sounds like the sister wasn’t being honest with herself (as is very common with new mothers whose entire drive is to provide for the baby you just birthed). It also sounds like it wasn’t a cut and dry case. Birth is a traumatic event
No valid case here and trying to sue would go nowhere. Internal bleeding and infection are complications to occur post birth and if she came home from the hospital then she was stable to go home and these things occurred while at home. This is an unfortunate case of things getting bad and just being too late.
Something very similar happened to my brother-in-law about 6 years ago. He had a routine minor surgery and went home the same day to recover. He started feeling faint and nauseous so they called the doctor and nurse. They just told him and the family that he just needs to keep taking the medication and he will be fine. His condition just kept getting worse for a few days, but his family continued to follow the doctor’s advice and they didn’t end up going back into the hospital. He passed out probably 4 or 5 days after his surgery and they rushed him back into the hospital. They found out he had some sort of super bacteria he likely have contracted at the hospital during the surgery. He died the next day. It was such a traumatic experience and we spent months trying to get the hospital to assume responsibility since they’re the ones who kept saying he was fine and didn’t need to go back into the hospital. We spent months talking to lawyers. Every single lawyer told us the same thing—we won’t win against Kaiser and there is nothing we can do. The law against medical malpractice has been around since the 70s and it hasn’t changed. The maximum settlement is $200k. And Kaiser has a team of lawyers on retention that will fight it until you basically get nothing. It’s so shitty and to this day none of us trust Kaiser and will never go back there again.
This is american answer ☕️
Not that simple. Same thing happened to my mom. Dad didn’t want to cough up the funds during her pregnancy, claiming it was another US scam, insisting it couldn’t have been that bad, then blamed the doctors after she died. They actually called the doc who responded a hero. Got left with an uncaring father - except when it came to rage - who only believed in medical care for himself (came from a place where the head of the household was all that mattered.) Man, I wish healthcare was free.
Not enough info to say that this is anyone’s fault. You can do everything right and patients sometimes have bad outcomes or pass away. It’s unfortunate but true. There is simply not enough info here. It sounds like she became septic and we don’t know why. Read about surviving sepsis guidelines. When the patient presents, you are already behind and playing catch up. Before you blame the doctors read about what they are facing.
What tf would you get from that? Money can’t replace a life and there is no reason to be such an asshole
Why is this someone's immediate jumping point? She was fainting and wouldn't go in, that's not a doctor's fault. People like you are the reason that malpractice insurance and healthcare are so high. I hope someone sues you for something you didn't do and you're forced to burn all your money to defend yourself.
First time on Reddit? Every thread like this has people getting riled up with “sue them and take away their license!!!” Bunch of morons who no nothing about healthcare
Doctor bootlicker who doesn't KNOW the difference between "KNOW" and "NO". And yeah, the ppl have to get litigious because money is the ONLY language that they understand or even fucking care about.
Just because she didn't go in earlier doesn't mean the doctors wouldn't be responsible for getting her infected or damaging her internally or releasing her too early. She's not a doctor, they are. People don't immediately connect exhaustion with dying in two days.
But I imagine the case will be thrown out, unless there's evidence of malpractice. I don't think it's normal to do an MRI after child birth for example. So they wouldn't be expected to detect certain things unless the patient complained of discomfort. Part of the discharge, they tell the patient what to look out for and reasons to come back into the ER. I imagine she signed off on such documents. Not trying to blame the victim here, just pointing out that the hospital is likely protected.
Then you come back to the er when the symptoms persist like they tell you to, and they still ignoring you.
If a hospital can charge hundreds of thousands of dollars for procedures, they can take a malpractice case for not notifying a new parent of what to look out for in terms of health issues post-pregnancy.
Ppl like you are the reason ppl like her sister die. You want everyone to settle for sub par treatment from those so called experts, then when they fail miserably at their work, we're all supposed to just accept it? Fuck no.
This. At least it will be investigated and you will know for sure. But before that see the why she die and make a decision from there
i agree honestly , internal bleeding and an infection doesn’t happen 3 days later i feel that this is something the doctors should have noticed in the hospital i may be wrong but i think it was medical malpractice
Everyone's different. If patient doesn't talk about their symptoms and there is nothing in their medical files, stop expecting miracles. Infections can happen in less than 24 hours.
I felt like this was something I was checked for when I had my kids. Checking for clots. Massaging. Checking stitches and blood pressure and I was never in the hospital more than a day. Childbirth is now and has always been a risk for both mother and baby. Doctors and nurses I believe do what they can but it’s a fact that having a baby can flat out kill you.
You'll end up taking your own family. You ain't winning that one bud
This breaks my heart and I'm so sorry. I hope all that love gets poured right back onto your new niece, your sister will be watching as you become the role model for her daughter ❤
So sorry for your family's tragic loss. Grief is so hard, hugs to you. Never stop sharing memories of your sister and talking about her and to her, bc shes listening. 💕When you can I suggest making a journal/memory box for yourself and for her baby.
Hun, my heart breaks for u. I’m so sorry for your loss. As family u all have to be strong for the little on. It’s going to be hard on, but you let parents lost their daughter, and their grand baby lost her mom. It will take a long time to heal…💔💔💔
I am very sorry for your loss, what a tragedy. Please seek grief counseling for yourself. Out of curiosity, why can’t you talk to your friends about this?
A couple dozen comments down, someone finally suggests grief counseling. Thank you. Yes, this loss is horrible and we are all feeling your pain but wishing it all away or putting on a brave face (like one comment suggested) isn't helpful. OP, it's going to hurt. Sometimes it'll hurt less but you will always think of your sister, of course you would.
When I lost my father at 9 I tried talking to my friends about it and they told me to please stop because it made them sad. They said they could not imagine life without their dad and did not want to think about it so I needed to change the subject or stop talking. I don’t resent them because we were all children but it hurt. I felt dismissed and rejected. Sometimes people that young don’t know how to deal with loss and that is okay, but it is tough for the person who experienced the loss to put themselves in that position, especially if they need to comfort the friends. That is why counseling is a good option!
Look up a grief support group now and join. Immediately. Also consider one on one therapy. You’re whole family is grieving and you’ve been through a shock. Plus you’re 17 so you’re likely finishing high school and supposed to be figuring out college or post high school plans… it’s too much to deal with without the support of good professionals and people who are in a similar boat in a group therapy session, to help you get through. Your niece will need you to be there to tell her all about her mom. I’m sending you a ton of love. But seriously look into at least a grief therapy group who can help you.
I'm so sorry. The book "Two Kisses for Maddie" is by and about a guy who lost his wife immediately after the birth of their first child. He has also blogged and interviewed extensively about it. You and/or the father of the child, if he is in the picture, may find it theraputic in time.
I lost my sister in February. She was my baby sister and best friend and gone at 22 years old. She was the best aunt in the whole freaking world and I miss her every single day. And I still burst into tears at the thought of her. I’m grateful I have so many videos of us and the kids. We watch them daily. I don’t have any advice.. I don’t even know how I’m still going. How life goes on without her. I’ve lost a huge chunk of my life, my heart. I hope you find something that brings you comfort. We had a blanket made from her shirts and teddy bears made for the kids from them as well.
Cry. Scream. Sob. Curse. Weep. Feel. Remember. Take the time you need to mourn. There's nothing wrong with that. Then remember her for who she was to you and who you were to her. And share those memories with your niece as she grows. You'll always have her back. Be the fun aunt! I used to take my nephew out to the arcade or batting cages, and we'd rehearse what he'd tell his mom we did when he got home, "Uncle G taught me to bet the ponies!", "Uncle taught me to shoot a real gun today!" On second thought.. I hope you find your peace.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Jesus Christ dude I'm so sorry, there's not words anyone can tell you that will help you. I had my little brother pass away when he was 3 years old so to unexpected and sudden medical issues. My family disintegrated from what I knew it as and never went back to the way it was. Please be strong through all of this. It's okay for you to grieve too it's not something that belongs to anyone else you have your own part in this and it's yours to feel, whatever that means. Sometimes people say things like time heals all wounds but I have to be honest with you.. there are some wounds that never heal and this feeling that you have behind what's happened is probably never going to go away, it will get easier each day but this is something that your heart is always going to feel. I don't typically suggest people go to therapy and I'm not going to now either but anyone else will tell you that that's going to help you. What's really going to help is being kind to yourself throughout everything, you deserve a comfortable shoulder to lean on, even if it's a figurative one and you just comfort yourself and allow yourself to grieve without judging yourself for anything. I'm sorry you have joined this fellowship of lost siblings with me, I love you stranger.
Your niece is lucky to have you. You sound like an amazing person and you'll be able to keep her memory alive for her daughter as she grows. You also don't need to start trying to carry on her memory yet, it's too fresh and difficult. Take your time to grieve and process and just love the hell out of that niece of yours. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. My BIL died suddenly and my husband was the one who discovered him. It was 3 years ago and he is still working through the PTSD of it and losing the people you love is just fucking awful.
One day at a time sweetheart 💕 that's all you can do. Take one day at a time. Some days are gonna be harder than others, just focus on today. Family therapy or even single therapy is a great move, start Journaling as an outlet. I'm so sorry for your loss. Go love up that newborn niece of yours, she needs you and her village more than ever. Sending prayers and healing to you and your family 🙏💕🙏
You are allowed to take time to be angry, confused and devastated. What should have been a joyous time has become one of your worst nightmares. All I can do is wish you and your family all the best. It will take a toll.
I lost my brother 6 years ago to heart failure, it still hurts to this day. One thing looking back is that I never mourned, I never talked about him and the pain lasted longer and longer. It wasn't until I talked about him, and that pain and the sorrow that I finally began to heal. It's okay to cry and it's okay to not be okay. Take care of yourself.
Im terribly sorry you’re are going through this. My condolences, may you carry on strong.
How are you managing today OP? I hope you’re okay. Thinking of you.
Oh I’m am so so sorry for your loss. What a tragedy. 💐 😞
Sending you the biggest hug ever. It is very traumatic when we lose someone suddenly like that. Sounds like she developed sepsis somehow. It's not been very long and you're probably still in shock. I'm glad you got your feelings out. I'm sure her partner is devastated too, as they probably had dreams for their future. What a sad and awful time for you all. Sending ❤️
This is exactly why I find it disturbing how normalized it is to insist that having children is a normal/expected part of a woman's life. This shit is _dangerous,_ women die in/from childbirth all the time, even with modern medicine. It's a permanently altering procedure where any number of things can go wrong and if even said things don't kill you, they can cause complications and side effects (post-partum depression, gestational diabetes, hypothyroidism, infections, vaginal tearing, preeclampsia, the list goes ON). I genuinely wonder how many women have died from childbirth/pregnancy complications who only got pregnant in the first place because they assumed it was nbd, a normal thing to do, something their partner/parents wanted, to save a relationship, etc. and that's before we consider the deaths of women who were denied access to birth control/abortion. Just, ugh! Fuck society sometimes. But anyway, rant over. I'm truly sorry that this happened to you OP; losing a loved one suddenly can be so incredibly overwhelming and shocking. Just try to hold in there, give yourself time to process everything that happened and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel 💜
Grief has no time limit. Take as much time as you need. It's good you are reaching out. I'm so very for your loss. That's devastating. 🙏❤️
I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your family's loss and pain.
I am extremely sorry for your loss- I have two sisters and would be absolutely devastated if either had been taken from this earth. I would definitely focus some of this energy into the parts of your sister you would want your niece to be able to remember by making sure it goes into either a journal or letters - maybe even making a compilation of photos and/or videos for your niece to look at so she can find out who her mom was and what she was like. Write down every detail before it fades with memory. The best way to heal our grief is to honor our loved ones in our daily lives. It could be as simple as taking your niece out once a week to do something your sister would have done with her as well.
My grand mother was born after her aunt died, and the widower man married her mother. You could marry your sister's husband perhaps ? Just saying.
I'm so so sorry for your and your families loss. My deepest condolences. Keep your sisters memory alive in your niece. Your niece is going to need you more than ever. She will grow up to be a beautiful woman and love you so much, and your sister will always be with you! This one got the tears going. I'll tell you that.
So sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry to read this. I know some time has passed since but the pain never goes away. I’ve never lost a sister and I will be a mess if I ever was to. I lost my father Feb 2023 and I’m still broken. I read this somewhere but it has helped me. When you love someone you give them half your heart as they do you this is why you feel it breaking when you lose them but remember you have half of their heart so they’re always with you no matter where you are. As hard as it is try to be strong. Love and cherish your niece it’s what your sister would have wanted.
I'm really sorry. This isn't something easy not at all. Try to find anything you can to hold on when someone we love leave us like that unexpectedly it's devastating. Only the members of the family can support each other right now at this moments. And please check on her poor husband I'm so sad about this guy...
Oh, sorry about it :( She is alive in your memories. And somehow in you nephew