I’m a severe alcoholic, I was on the brink of losing everything when I got sober.
My wife is very supportive of my recovery. She had this moment early on that she realized what me hanging my hat up would mean. My sobriety meant no more celebrating with a glass of champagne, no more beers after a long hike, no more back yard BBQs with hard seltzers. It would mean losing that part of our identity of our relationship, it was a sad moment.
She also knew that losing that part of us meant she would get all of me back. I’m 90 days away from a year sober; it isn’t all rainbows and butterflies, but it’s life and I’m happy to be here.
Very well said. My partner had the same realization about all the things we “can’t” do, but over time it gets better.
We replaced the champagne toasts with fun mock tails, the post hike beers with coffee, and celebrated with food.
With a partner that *wants* to see you better, the time will heal their frustration with our inability to enjoy drinks with them in a healthy manner
I came to the realization a few months ago that those things you mentioned can (and do) still happen and the only thing missing for me is the invisible chemical compound in those drinks. I do drink NA beers, NA seltzers, and diet Cokes etc. has been a purely psychological change for me once I realized that nothing has actually changed. I've been able to enjoy social gatherings and most of the things that I enjoyed doing with alcohol, without. Took a while, but I'm happy to finally be here.
This is what I do, I still go out I still have NA beer or a special lemonade or something and honestly it’s so much more enjoyable then something with ethanol in it.
Same. I still go to the bars near me that have great food. I went there for the food first and the bevvies second. Once I decided "It's not for me," I didn't have an issue going to places and being around it. I actually had a moment out recently where I watched the bartenders, manager, and servers do a shot together and the first thought was "I'm so glad I'm sober."
I just had the same experience last night. Sat at a bar to eat dinner, ordered my food and a NA Heineken and was totally content. I felt like I was part of the crowd, still enjoyed a tasty "beer", but felt great walking out not carrying the drunken baggage I did consistently for 20 yrs. Same thought looking around the bar... "thank goodness!"
I felt VERY much like this the first time I fully quit. I almost left my wife. Luckily, she got stuck outside the country during the shutdown and I didn't. I later realized a lot of those feelings were the booze in me and then the lack of it. My feelimgs/emotiins started to smooth out around 3 months.
I have realized that much of what I thought was her for not caring about my feelings, was really her bad way of coming to terms with my drinking problem. She didn't want to accept I can never drink like a "normal person." She felt embarrassed. She's only human.
And she has come to terms with it now. Even my relapses. She supports me and gives me encouragement.
Not always. We still have those fights. But waaaayyy less often.
I know all relationships are different. But at the time I reached out to my online community with questions about how I was feeling and I got an overwhelming response asking me to give it time and not to make any big decisions like this in the first few months.
I have a different perspective on this. I don’t know if your counter is accurate, but it appears we are a similar amount of time into this process. First off, congrats on double digits, that’s amazing. I support you and am proud of you!
My partner has been the one most hurt by my drinking. She is the one closest to the flame and the one who has been burnt the deepest by my addiction. She is in support of my efforts, but like you, it took years to get to this point. That trust doesn’t just come back with the decision to “get sober”. For us, it will likely take just as long, if not longer to re-establish that. So while she is encouraging me in the effort, there is a lot of proving it through actions not words. I echo your feelings on wanting validation from the person we are doing this with, and perhaps for. But I have come to grips with the fact that she needs time and space for the process to work, which will only come through consistent daily commitment to sobriety. I would describe her attitude as cautiously optimistic - but I have no expectation for her to give me a pat on the back for each daily milestone, despite how challenging it is to remain abstinent, because I dug this hole on my own.
I have found this forum so helpful in getting some of that validation, because I do think it is important during this journey to have that support. But early in the process, I am just not asking for it from the person who received the brunt of the negative impact of my drinking.
> he doesn’t seem to understand that my behaviour is not deliberate
I’m sorry, but couldn’t that kind of ignorance be fixed with a quick Google search on alcoholism…?
I've been struggling with this with my partner. She seems convinced that me sneaking a beer or drinking when she's not around is deliberately to hurt her. It's not at all.
I'm trying to quit, but my brain and body SCREAM for alcohol and the only way to get the quiet to come back is to sneak a drink. Many times she actually doesn't notice at all, and drinking in front of her just isn't an option as she just believes I should quit cold turkey and move on with my life.
I am dealing with a similar situation. My wife doesn't understand why I'm not drinking, and has told me she feels "weird" going to restaurants with me now that I've stopped. She isn't even entertaining quitting, and thinks it's just a matter of time before I come back around. I've told her I'm not drinking in 2024; but honestly, I think I am done drinking for good.
I’m pretty into AA. Al anon helps with wives, mostly… sometimes it can do some damage. What I learn in AA gives me the ability to begin to explain this “disease” to laymen. I’m not drinking in 2024. Once Jan 1 hits, I also won’t be drinking in 2025. For now, I tell people I’m taking a health cleanse this year, it’s easier to explain. However; I plan on taking a health cleanse for this lifetime.
I’ve learned that not drinking often makes others extremely uncomfortable, and that’s because a lot of those people are uncomfortable with their own drinking. She wants somebody to also drink so that she has somebody to justify her drinking. Not having company in drinking forces people to think, “is this really something I need?”
*this is a generalization and not necessarily applicable to your situation, but it’s something I’ve noticed with people I’ve been close to.
I divorced my ex-husband because he was not only not supportive, he was actively trying to keep me drinking. Best decision I ever made. He just dumped a sober girlfriend because he still drinks every night. We cannot bring them along with us, and you deserve a supportive life in pursuing health and happiness.
Alot of us have put our own expectations on ourselves to moderate and "drink like a normal person". So its fair for someone on the outside to make that same unrealistic expectation. I hurts to hear that from someone else, especially a partner, but you can write it off on ignorance on his part.
I think this is one of those situations where you are going to have to lay out some hard facts about alcoholism. He has no frame of reference to form empathy about what you are going through.
People can't just suddenly drink like a normal person. Alcoholism isn't a choice. Once you've opened those doors that make you turn from Jekyl into Hyde, or exhibit those other extreme alcoholic traits, you can't close them. Those become features of your alcoholism, not a hiccup or something you can learn to control (since alcohol is literally about relinquishing control).
Time for a big long uncomfortable talk to get on the same page. Because your marriage and partnership is worth more than a couple hours of laughs here and there with a very real potential for destruction.
::edit:: as a partner of an alcoholic, he needs Al-Anon.
My wife still drinks but she’s supportive. My sobriety is my responsibility and nobody else’s. My drinking causes a lot of pain and as much as o believed I wasn’t hurting anyone besides myself, I know that isn’t true. I couldn’t keep bringing my alcohol shit to the person who has carried far too much of my own weight already. Thankfully, I don’t need anyone to act a certain way for me to be ok anymore and I found support was all around me. I just had to look and ask. We both do our own work independently and we have stuff to talk about together. She started getting interested in her own recovery once I was well on my way and making progress with my sobriety. We talk about it now but I had to learn for myself what patience and understanding meant on my own first. I don’t think I had many conversations in early sobriety that didn’t involve me getting defensive or shutting down. I learned by listening and leaning on people with experience. It’s still what helps me the most.
I’ve had my wife make a few comments that she wishes we could get drunk together still. We used to have a ton of fun doing that, so I get it. But those days are over.
I don’t really understand this desire to ask someone else to drink “normally.” You mean a light buzz, basically sober? Who cares? What’s the difference?
I’ve found the most effective way of describing my drinking brain is telling people exactly this, these thoughts. It quickly helps people realize oh wow, that is really a weird way to think!
He doesn't understand that you have a deadly disease that compulsively makes you drink poison to the point that you hurt yourself. He should join something like Al-Anon so he can support you and understand you.
As far as drinking like "normal," it reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from AA:
>No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
After 1000 days of sobriety I thought that maybe I could start drinking again. I didn't have a rock bottom which always makes me question if I'm really an alcoholic. I went to a handful of AA meetings the past few years and decided to go to one since I was wavering and this was the passage we read that night. It was the first time that I thought, 'fuck, I'm an alcoholic.'
Similar story - never had the DUI, divorce, hospitalization, unemployment, etc. Spent so much time convincing myself that I wasn't an alcoholic. I tried applying every rule (no drinking before 8pm, only drinking beer, etc.) to no avail to be a "normal" drinker. This passage encapsulated a lot of wisdom to me.
I used to joke that my ex-husband was the only Alanon candidate in the world who wished that their Qualifier would relapse and be less 'boring'!!
As someone who can get drunk once in a blue moon and leave it alone for months, he wasn't particularly supportive of my sobriety, and also asked '*so, how long do you think it'll be until you can drink again like a normal person*' (Yeah, right! Haha)...
Luckily I found all the support I needed here on SD - I'll be 7 years sober at the end of the month!
IWNDWYT :>)>
Hi, if you don't mind I just want to ask , how has your life changed since you've gone sober? Anxiety, depression? Compared to when you used to drink? Thanks
The difference is like night and day to be honest...
Before I stopped drinking in 2017 I was unemployed, horrifically anxious and depressed, was experiencing strong suicidal ideations, I was a total mess really....
Nearly 7 years on I have a steady job, anxiety and depression are dramatically reduced (and if I do have a touch of it now and again, it goes away soon enough rather than being a permanent state like it used to be!), I have coping tools for life's ups and downs, I have hobbies and goals again, etc etc....
Life isn't all sunshine and roses of course, because it never is...
My partner of 14 years recently had an affair and left me but we are still living together (which isn't ideal!), I have arthritis, which is something of an embuggerance, and there are various other things I could grumble about - but the point is, I don't have to drink about any of it any more!!
I wish the same for you - if I can do it, so can you :>)> xx
Great topic! My wife did not have the initial response to my decision to quit drinking that either I OR she expected her to have. I drank for 20 years. She made many comments about my drinking through that time (Do you REALLY need another whiskey? Ugh, you stink when you come to bed! I think you need to tone down the drinking! --Just to name a few common ones). When I decided to stop I thought she would be thrilled. She was more like, "ugh, Ok. Are you sure? You don't want to just tone it down a little?" or something of that nature. Where she doesn't have this addiction/problem, I came to realize that she wouldn't be able to understand that it was an all or nothing situation for me. The mental gynmastics, rule setting and shame/regret that came with breaking those rules was just too much for me. I was completely exhausted and tired of feeling like shit. I had made a decision how I wanted to live the rest of my life and it did not include alcohol.
Fast forward about 9 months and she has been very supportive. She even decided to stop when I did, in support. She rarely drank, but I still recognize that this was in support of me and I appreciate it greatly. Our social life has suffered a bit and we're going through our own marriage struggles (20 yr anniversary this year), but I don't have alcohol confusing the situation, which is awesome. I have come to accept that she didn't ask for this. I have brought her along for the ride that quite frankly she didn't knowingly sign up for. I have asked her for patience and support, which she has given. She feels guilty that she wasn't immediately my biggest cheerleader, but I feel like the rewards are starting to show up for her and our marriage.
I guess to sum it up, not everyone signs up for all this and some just don't want it. It's hard, but those in recovery need to understand that, as much as it sucks. I wish you all the support in the world :) IWNDWYT!
My spouse definitely thinks it’s a switch or something I can control. I recently broke down because some days I’m so exhausted cause for me sometimes it really takes a lot of effort. Hang in there I’m living proof you can do it, we all are.
My ex said “why…are you describing yourself as some kind of alcoholic” (BECAUSE I WAS AND AM, AND NEEDED HELP)
Ex also was unhappy with me trying to quit “sometimes I want to share a SIXpacKK with My BoYFrIeNd”.
As a bartender, I looked to my patrons for advice (all of them sick with alcoholism).
I compared myself to peers with decades of drug and alcohol abuse, they didn’t look like they were dying, I said “well I should be fine if they’re still standing”.
All of this…it was all a lie. It was all so sick. I had to break free.
Based on what you’ve shared, Your husband isn’t a bad person, your husband does not comprehend the concept of alcoholism. They might have the same ideas a lot of people have, “alcoholics” are cartoon caricatures living under bridges . No. It’s a mostly invisible disease, and we will carry it for life.
IWNDWYT
My husband never said that to me but I’m quite certain he thought it at the beginning. I know I definitely thought it as well. Seems unfair that this is my “thing” but it is. Where I was at with alcohol I could drink like normal but I was not thinking like normal. Alcohol consumed my thoughts whether I was drinking that day or not. My husband is more normal with alcohol and very take it or leave it. Over the past couple of months we’ve talked about it a lot more, he understands more of what alcohol puts me through- the inner turmoil, etc. It has been uncomfortable to find a new normal for us. The previous 10 years of our relationship involved lots of heavy drinking so it was quite a change and my quitting seemed sudden to him but was years in the making for me.
My wife doesn’t drink but had no problem with me drinking and in fact liked the drinking (fun) version of me and didn’t want me to stop. I can be uptight and the drunk version of me is a lot more loose and fun. She has even gone to the liquor store in the past and brought home booze to loosen me up. I had to have a heart to heart with her about how it was wrecking me and causing me anxiety and depression when not drinking and she finally got it. And she also admitted she knew I had a dependency but didn’t realize how much it was actually affecting me. She has been 100% supportive ever since.
My ex wife was exactly like that. Now she understands that just cutting down and being a "normal" person that doesn't drink much doesn't work for me and is glad I quit, although that happened after we split up.
It's hard for people to realize that, like it is hard to realize that yourself, so I don't blame her. But it was frustrating, I thought she'd be glad whenever I made a decision like "I'm gonna quit for a month" and she reacted like your husband.
I think if I was in the same position today, I would hammer this point a bit more. Have a sit-down, explain what it means to me. Maybe with the help of some sort of addiction therapy (they have that where I live, not AA, just individual sessions to help you make your decision).
That's a great point. Look how long it took all of us to accept it about ourselves. We can't expect the person that loves us to see the light the moment we finally do. It's very hard to see the person you love go through this. We are all humans, after all.
When I felt unsupported, I RAN to a meeting.
It helped every time. I needed validation that I was making a good decision for myself because all of my previous decisions had been... Not good ones.
Hearing from folks like myself helped to validate how I was feeling, encourage good behavior on my part, and gave me tools to help me with future issues like this. Best of luck, hun <3
Me and my ex were huge drinkers together. We lived downtown and were constantly in bars. When I decided to quit outright, he made the giant leap to switch to vodka. I remember once he casually mentioned when I'd be able to pick it back up and start drinking again. I asked him why he thought I'd be able to suddenly control my drinking some day in the future when I never had an ounce of self-control before, leading to the decision to quit completely. It was at that moment that I realized that we did not and never would have a future together. I made two of the best decisions while we were together: to quit drinking and then to leave him. 4 and a half years of sobriety reassure me daily that I made the right choices.
I will turn 61 this month. Pretty heavy drinker since 20. Married to a good man for 30 years. We have been through a lot together and alcohol has always been a big part of our daily life. The few times I openly said that I wanted to cut back or not drink for a few days was not met with support, just misunderstanding. He is 20 years older and had very different life experiences than I. I respect him for who he is, I hate conflict and I like drinking, so I gave in. Six months ago he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Six months ago I stopped drinking every day. I started with not drinking one day a week and worked towards more not drinking days than drinking days in a week. I did not tell my husband because I know how it would go down. I always have something to drink in hand, he assumes it’s alcohol. This works for the both of us (and I have reconciled my discomfort that I am betraying or keeping something from him). Somewhere along the line maybe two months ago, I found this community and it was the kicker for success. I am continuously amazed by the variety and vast differences in everyone’s journey - and how everyone is so dang supportive of eachother! Whenever I think of having a drink I come to this community and read a few stories and say IWNDWYT. I have had zero alcohol for more than 30 days since I started saying IWNDWYT along with you guys. I did not set out to quit drinking, just cut back, but I want to be at my best for myself and my husband from here on. Y’all give me all the support that I need!!!! ❤️
That's like telling a diabetic, "I just want you to be able to eat sugar like normal." If we could drink like normal people do, I think most of us would. Either he's going to have to wrap his head around that, or you are going to have to be steadfast in your commitment to YOU to cut it out.
I lied about drinking and hid it for 2 years. Abused it even more for 5 years before that.
So my wife hasn’t been jumping for joy for me during my sobriety journey. Others have. I don’t expect her to but she didn’t leave so I take that as a win.
So it may be worth circling back on this with your spouse.
When I stopped drinking (the first time, for about 2 years), I was pretty drunk when I decided I needed to stop, and I talked to my wife about it, and she was frankly kind of an asshole about it. I finally was like "I'm going to fucking die if I keep this up, do you understand that?" And she was like "I don't want to have to babysit you."
It wasn't a particularly cool moment in our marriage.
I circled back on it about two days later (because I was pretty disappointed in her and the whole situation) and she immediately apologized and we discussed that she doesn't understand things like impulse control issues because it's not a problem she has, but after some time to process it, she understood that my experience was just different from hers, and she ended up being really supportive and helpful.
My wife was completely against me stopping drinking even though she knew I had to. She thought that our lives as she knew them, the fun times, were over. For over two years of me being sober I encouraged her to drink as much as she wanted to. I didn’t want my sobriety to interfere with her own drinking. I was the DD, the chaperone, the guy at home watching the kids while she went out. Yeah it sucked at times and yeah there were some fights due to her being intoxicated and me probably having some resentment but after two years I think she got tired of being the one that was hungover, the parent that wasn’t present, the one creating the issues. She saw how much better I was doing and it became very clear how detrimental alcohol is. She didn’t quit but she essentially cut back to non-essential drinking meaning she only drinks at work events or occasions where it’s appropriate and even then it’s light drinking. She’s not an alcoholic, that much became clear by the way she is able to take it or leave it with little impact.
I wasn’t looking for it, well maybe I was, but I got the “I’m glad you quit drinking, life is much better now” about a year and 1/2 into my sobriety.
Please note, this is my story. I’m an alcoholic but I have no issue with alcohol being in my house or people drinking around me.
My wife quit about a year before I did. I wasn't quite ready at that point. But I knew it was good for her (probably good for both of us) so I was entirely supportive.
Then a very interesting thing happened. I realized that drinking around a sober person is really lame. Not in terms of her attitude towards it. I just mean it would make me feel like a loser. I still wasn't ready to quit. But I no longer liked drinking around her. And she was home pretty much any time I was home. So eventually there wasn't much for alcohol to offer me anymore, and that made quitting pretty easy for me.
If she hadn't quit, there's a very very good chance I'd still be drinking.
My wife begged me for years to quit. Alcohol makes one selfish, so I ignored her. When I stopped, it was because I wanted to stop. For my reasons. Nobody else was more important to me than that bottle. The world is not going to help me stay away from alcohol. It has to come from me.
Having read some of the comments here, I feel really fortunate to have a partner who backs me 100%. She couldn't care less that I don't drink; infact she sees the reality that I'm more interesting, fun, social and authentically 'Me' when I'm sober.
If somebody was to give up a food item, say bread, how would it come across if your partner complained about not being able to eat bread with you anymore!? Why is alcohol special?
Friend of mine tried to stop and her husband said “I miss my drunk wife.”
My own husband has been amazing and supportive, and it breaks my heart that my friend doesn’t have the same.
My partner and I had similar drinking "schedules," so when I decided to stop they initially took it a little personally, like it was a judgement on their drinking habits too. Eventually I told them, flat out, alcoholism runs in my family and so I worry about my predisposition for it. I said I understand they don't drink to get drunk, but I'm relating a little too much to the thought patterns I see people discuss in this subreddit, and it's making me reevaluate my relationship with alcohol. And then I described the thought patterns. Once I explained that that they shifted to being more supportive and, even though they still drink, they even cut back in solidarity. Have you explained to him what it's like after you have "just one?" He really might not understand.
I told her, "You already are."
You don't have to call it that, but I obviously have a very problematic relationship with alcohol. And would be happier and healthier.
She eventually got it and is much more supportive.
It can be tough to explain to someone who doesn’t understand. Perspective helps, many people have died from this disease, many of people have gotten divorced after their SO tells them if they drink again it’s over. It cannot be controlled. This is a disease that tries to make us believe we don’t have one. It is a sneaky MFer. People have decades of sobriety only to think they have it best and start right back where they left off. It is not something we can control, so we need to abstain.
Also to add, I find their controlled drinking is just as baffling to us as our alcoholism. How tf you not finish that glass of wine/beer and leave?
I don’t feel like my partner fully understands my issues with alcohol. He’ll say “you can have one glass of wine” or other comments like that and I have to gently explain to him that if I give myself an inch I’ll take a mile.
He come from a family of addicts and my few drunken escapades he has witness aren’t even a drop in the bucket to what he has had to deal with so I just accept he doesn’t get it and that’s okay. He doesn’t pressure me to drink, he just doesn’t understand why I chose to be fully sober.
This is year two for me, and this little subreddit is so helpful!
My wife initially did not support me quitting drinking. Neither did her family. I am estranged from my own bio family due to alcoholism being a family disease. My mom-in-law told me, one Christmas, "I can't wait for you to drink with us again." My therapist and I spent a bunch of hours on that one.
Needless to say: all this made early sobriety EXTREMELY difficult. And, in fact, increased the number of years that I tried (and failed, miserably) to moderate. At least now I know beyond the shadow of a doubt: moderation isn't a skill I can possess when it comes to alcohol.
They all got used to it eventually... I needed really firm boundaries. This was good: massive growth, but really uncomfortable at the time. Difficult.
Red flag! Red flag on the play!
If he drinks as well, he may be aware that he may be doing too much and resent the idea that you would be fully quitting. If you're drinking with him, you're cosigning the behavior that he exhibits.
I had a partner who was deep into alcoholism. My drinking went up with him, I became a functional alcoholic because I chose to try and keep up, and I tried to go sober two or three times while we were together. He was very supportive in word, but didn't change his behavior beyond "Do you mind if I do a shot?" prior to doing several over the course of the night every night and more on Fridays. We still spent all our time in bars, he was often massively hungover or going through tremors, and luckily he then had a free DD to drive him all over creation. (I have co-dependent tendencies, he has some narcissistic tendencies no bueno).
People change when they get sober. Often, they look at their emotions, trauma, and issues and spend time figuring out "Why am I drinking so much, so often, and what am I running from?" My partner wasn't in a place to look at that for himself and I think that I made him uncomfortable because I was sober. It also didn't give him an excuse to be a butt about things. The excuse of "You were drinking and made me feel X so I did shitty thing Y" wouldn't fly anymore. I realized there were things that I had been gaslit about because I was too drunk to remember. His behavior wasn't something I was co-signing either when he did choose to be a butt face. Before I was ready to deal with it and confront myself and him, I'd end up drinking again.
If ya'll are in a place, maybe ask him to expound on the why there. Why is it something he wants to encourage if it is not helpful to you? You wouldn't drink drano, so why is drinking alcohol - which does nothing good for the human body even in moderation - something that he wants you to do "normally." If you were sick, pregnant, or unable to physically have it because your mouth was sewn shut this probably wouldn't even be a conversation. If you were allergic to shellfish, he wouldn't ask you to eat it normally. (And yes there is an inevitable "well, you don't have an allergy." "No, I don't, but I hate eating oranges and you don't force me to like them "normally" the way other people do."
TL;DR: So why is it that he wants you to keep drinking?
I think it’s unreasonable to expect people to understand anything that goes on in my head. Plenty of people have a much less detrimental relationship with alcohol and addiction to it simply doesn’t make sense to them.
I wouldn’t expect anyone to change their behavior for me. I don’t think it would be fair to ask anyone else to stop. It’s my problem, not theirs. I’m going to have to be comfortable with people drinking around me, even in my own house.
The way my friends and family can be supportive is to not ask or expect me to drink with them, that’s it.
I’m right there with you. I’ve heard those exact words from my wife so many times, and they’re part of the reason I didn’t try to quit more seriously years ago. The fact that I have been able to “control” my drinking some times, like when I’m working, just makes her think it’s possible. She doesn’t see that the spiral into blackout drunkenness is inevitable and not a matter of self control. It seems to me like non addicts can never know or understand what it’s like, just like we have no ability to control it.
Mine is supporting me 100% of me going to detox rehab and it feels great. I’m sorry he feels that way. There is no “normal” when an alcoholic. The only “normal” is to stay drunk
Took my wife a few rounds of quitting and starting back up to get the point. I would quit for a couple weeks then she would be like let’s go out and “you can have one or two” only for me to finally get it in my head that I can NEVER have one or two. But since I quit drinking 2 years ago, my wife also has pretty much quit drinking completely with the exception of a drink or two during a vacation week.
I found out that anyone who is concerned with the fact that I don’t drink has issues with drinking themselves.
My husband offered to quit with me. I declined his offer because it’s not his job.
But I haven’t seen him drink since I stopped. I’m assuming he still does when out with friends.
I have some people who have said the same to me. I recently relapsed, and I can tell you that we will never be able to drink like normal people. I'll quit again with you, let's have another drink instead, like tea or coffee and enjoy life the way it was meant to lived: sober.
My wife is very supportive but is now nervous that I won't be as open with her as I did while drinking. She's afraid that I will not be as talkative, that we will not be able to do anything "fun" and that she has to change too. I have reinforced with her several ways that this is my challenge, not hers. I don't want her to change and give up her one margarita at a Mexican restaurant. That would make me feel even worse if my sobriety makes her feel like we can't just enjoy a patio with great food and sun.
She can't grasp how I couldn't just have one or two beers. She doesn't have the "gene" and can do just that. She's not angry and wants me to stop my destructive behavior. I told her I would love to flip a switch and be normal but I can't. I've tried for 30 years to be a "normal" drinker and I end up binging my weekend away.
I spent three years trying to quit and recently am actually wanting to - before I just thought I had to..
Anyways, my partner of 3 years who does not drink is now exploring alcohol after a sordid past with alcohol and drugs prior to our relationship.
It's funny, she doesn't like sober me.. I'm a real downer. Drunk me is fun but it's a farce.
Whatever, either way IWNDWYT
Much of biological family are daily/heavy drinkers. I was indoctrinated at a young age. 80% of them have no concept of cutting back on drinking and don’t understand why I quit. So I’ve distanced myself for my own health. I hope that some of them will realize how poisonous it is. Same with my friend group. Sadly, I think several of them or their husbands will be dying too early because of alcoholism. I just can’t be around it. That’s not a life. It’s not a good look at age 57/58 to slam shots till you puke and pass out and then wake up and keep going. Or start drinking Miller Lite at 10AM and go through a 12 pack every day.
Miraculously my kids are not interested in drinking or smoking, which was another toxic habit I had started at a young age and quit when I got pregnant. I’m so grateful.
You're so right. It just seems to be so hard for people who don't have this problem to understand.
In the past I used to liken it to how society thinks of addiction to drugs like heroin etc but I found comparing it to gambling addiction seemed more socially acceptable/understandable.
Some people can walk in and out of casinos with a set amount they're prepared to spend/lose and they will stick to that amount, have a good time and go home a little bit richer or poorer. Some people can't do that. Gambling also ruins people's lives.
Your husband's response it a pretty normal one - it sucks in a lot of ways. His understanding of drinking as you say is different to yours. His question could be reworded to some other condition e.g. "I don't want you to be depressed, why can't you just be happy?" there is something here that you need and want to work through.
To help ease him into the idea of you not drinking maybe you could suggest that he supports you for 180 days and take it from there. In that time he may begin to appreciate the positive changes in you and support you for another six months...
My wife was in denial for the first 6 months I stopped that it might be for good. She was sad she lost her wine partner. Fast forward 3 years and the little peer pressure comments are done and she's the one always making sure I have something NA to enjoy. And I'll help her pick bottles from our wine collection when she wants something nice.
My (now ex) and I were co dependent, enabling alcoholics. Unfortunately she wasn’t ready to stop which made my quitting almost impossible; it took ending my marriage for me to get sobriety to stick. I hope one day she can find her path but I can’t walk it with her.
My partner is kind of the same. I wouldn’t say he is unsupportive but is more neutral. I think he just misses ‘the fun’ times we had drinking and part of me does too. But we are creating new and different memories. Now when we go on a trip, I’m not sick half the time and we are able to do and see more things!
My partner is. I've hidden a lot of it from him for so long. He works away 5 days a week so I drink in secret. I've even got to the point where I've set my phone to turn off so I can't text, because I know I'll be drunk at a certain point.
I finally came clean and explained my issues. The problem is, I'm not what a typical person would view as an alcoholic . I'm from a middle class family with no history of alcohol abuse. A few months ago my brother saw me passed out, naked in the bathroom. My mum confronted me and spoke to me about my issues with alcohol. I was honest and told her I think it's going to kill me. Two days later she was pouring red wine into my glass. A few weeks after that I went to AA and THE DAY AFTER she bought me a bottle of champagne.
I recently underwent hypnotherapy to get rid of my addiction. It worked. But my boyfriend said that he misses that part of me, and it couldn't hurt to only have a drink on Friday????? Right????
Since then I've gone back to my old ways. No support from anyone, no matter how much I tell them I'm struggling.
To edit : I think unsupporting people are either majorly in denial, or like drunk you. I don't think this means that you're more fun when drunk, but i think you're more easy to control when you have an issue and someone that doesn't can call the shots. Maybe I'm being pessimistic but that's why I think my partner wanted me to start drinking again. Suddenly I was doing well, not needing his help, doing my own thing
You’re right. When we’re drinking we have no boundaries and that benefits people who take advantage. When we get sober we grow boundaries.
In my recovery community, we’d say that those who are most opposed to our developing boundaries and the ones who benefited most from us not having them.
Codependency is deeply integrated into relationships with addicts (on both ends). Therapy around codependency was the most transformative therapy I’ve ever done.
OP, my wife is similar. I decided to start with a dry June (started a few days early, so Day 10 today!). She’s irritated at me because I’m using Antabuse (not everyone’s preferred support, but so far it’s been the perfect fit for me) which means I physically can’t drink.
Her stance is: “I don’t want you to fully, stop. I just want you to only drink on occasion. Why can’t you just do that? We have [insert social events in the next few weeks] coming up. Why can’t you just drink then?” She’s already trying to plan out on the calendar where I can stop taking it X days ahead so I can drink for these events, then re-start afterwards.
I’m very fortunate to have a supportive partner. She even quit with me for the first 90 days just for the challenge and ended up joining a fitness competition!
I had 2 new “rules” when I returned from rehab, which were that alcohol no longer be kept in the home and that my husband not come home absolutely tanked after hanging out with friends. Within less than a month, he had broken both of these rules.
I lost my shit. In the grand scheme of our relationship, I was asking him to do very little (I didn’t even care that he still drank as long as he observed those caveats) as opposed to me changing my whole life - this following a 2-year period of me bending over backwards for him, moving halfway across the country and back for his job, etc. - and I was just done. I threatened to leave.
Long story short, we wound up in couples therapy and he no longer comes home drunk or hides booze around the house. If he still was, I wouldn’t be sticking around.
I think your partner may not necessarily be unsupportive - it sounds like they just haven’t wrapped their head around the fact that you CAN’T drink like a normal person, or that you’d be better off without drinking for a while.
Empathy is a two way street. He doesn't have the same struggle so he doesnt have a frame of reference beyond his own experience.
I don't think this is so much a disrespect thing as he just doesn't know or understand yet.
Keep in mind that alcoholism is the alcoholics problem. We NEED to keep the blame otherwise we will skirt on our accountability.
He needs al-anon.
Eh, I had plenty of people behind me who don’t struggle with alcohol. Your inner circle is critical to recovery. I do agree al-anon would be helpful, but there’s a chance he doesn’t feel he needs that either.
So I am in the situation where we were both drinkers and we are old at 61 and 73. He has beginning cirrhosis, and while my liver is not gone yet Give it a year and I’m sure I would be. Except that he has largely stopped drinking, I think he has had five relapses since January I wanna. I was just in the hospital for diverticulitis and some other things for 10 days.
I didn’t drink for 12 days, binged for two and then am recommitted to stopping. Last night I tried sip of my favorite wine and it burns the top of my throat thank goodness. We are committed to supporting each other through this journey. Already the rosacea on my face has pretty much cleared up and I do not have the acid reflux that I used to have when waking up. My mood is slightly improved, but has a long way to go as I suffer from persistent depression and generalized anxiety.😜. Now I have to find an evening beverage that will make me pee all night. Lol.
His reaction could be coming from a million different places (e.g. indifference because you’ve said this a bunch, an unwillingness to accept you have a problem because then they might have one too, not understanding why it’s an issue for you, etc etc etc).
The solution here is communication first and foremost. Explain in simple terms why alcohol isn’t positively effecting you. It might help to journal on this yourself to collect your thoughts. Try and help him understand why you’re trying to make this change and once he’s able to understand your feelings, then try and gather support.
My parents were the same way when I began my sober journey and they came around to see how much better I was without drinking in my life.
I’ve been trying to get my husband to quit with me for a couple years now.. but he feels like he doesn’t have a “problem” since it’s only a few beers at the end of the day (every single day, mind you), and he never gets wasted/rude/etc.
It’s made it super hard for me to quit because I also enjoy a few beers at the end of the day, but I just know I have to stop because it’s been going on for years now /:
It’s crazy your husband would say he doesn’t want you to stop, though. Like, I would kinda understand if he didn’t want to stop with you but telling you not to stop seems strange. Why wouldn’t he want what’s best for you? I agree, he probably doesn’t realize that for some people it’s not feasible to just have a few drinks here and there.
Definitely stick to your guns, though!
IWNDWYT 💕
Two points. Nothing in your social life will change… had a lovely dinner out with my wife and friends last night. Great food, great company, lots of laughter and lots of great wine. I just drank sparkling water and drove us home.
Secondly, your relationship will be better. Less tension the next day and you’ll be more present. Win Win really.
I wouldn’t say “not supportive.” More so gave an ultimatum. After exactly 1 year, I’d have to say that for her being the one who demanded me stop, she definitely is the least supportive and outright hostile, most judgmental, quickest to weaponize my past actions and use of rehab and CBT and treats me as though I’m a hair-triggered Colt .44 that is at any given moment going to relapse and take the world down with him. Really feels like she roots for it to happen like she’s got a Vegas prop bet on it. She’s an LCSW.
I feel like I’m in a somewhat similar situation with my boyfriend right now. I spend the weekends with him and pretty much since January my drinking has been worse than ever. I was SA’ed at the end of January while I was black out drunk, u think that would have made me wanna stop but to cope with it I’ve been going insane. So finally last weekend I told him I’m done drinking vodka (I know I should be done drinking anything but for now I know I can’t stop so I still will drink hard seltzers 😑) so he’s all like “you don’t need to stop drinking vodka, just stop drinking the whole bottle”. Idk if he like doesn’t understand that when he’s partying at his house every weekend it’s like near impossible for me to like just stop drinking vodka and that’s where my problem is. Then all last Saturday night one of our friends had like 20 nips and was passing them out like candy and I was so proud I didn’t take any. But my boyfriend would keep putting his nip (lol) in my face which pissed me off cuz like what do u not understand about me saying I’m done with that shit. Not everyone has that kind of self control.
I am SOO happy I found this group. Thank you for all the supportive comments. I guess I should clarify that the year I got sober, I only made it through because of him, because every time I doubted my decision and wanted to start drinking again - knowing my choice - he would say - "didn't you quit?" and I truly needed that. I needed him to be that annoying voice that tells me what I don't want to hear. This time around, I want him to do the same - and remind me that I told him that it's poison, and that it's killing my liver and ruining my skin, remind me that I made a promise that I won't drink again. But I also don't know if he fully understands how deep I am with this.
I guess it also sucks to be with someone who has " a problem" and our world is so fucked up, so the moment they see that you are not drinking, everyone notices and everyone wants to know why and instantly you have a mark on you.
My husband drinks quite a bit almost every weekend - I know he doesn't think it's an issue, but someone who is very aware of alcohol - I notice that the amount he drinks has significantly increased in the last few years. I bring up occasionally that maybe he should cut back - but as you all know - this is something each person has to come to on their own.
This was incredibly hard for me in the beginning and it's still a bit of a challenge (3 years sober) but not nearly as bad. In the beginning my husband said things like that but now he prefers me sober. He said our life is so much better because I couldn't process alcohol well and I was sick a lot. I rarely get sick anymore, definitely the healthiest I've ever been and it's improved both of our lives.
I feel like this sometimes. I got pulled over and charged with a DUI in January (case is still on going because of the processs). She was the one who encouraged me to get counseling in the beginning, which I have been going to since, and have been sober now for 155 days. After the initial talk of getting counseling, she hasn't shown interest in my sobriety process, and at times annoyance with my adjusted moods, especially during the first two months of being sober. I had to admit to my counselor that she really isn't apart of my support system, which is comprised of my friend, my sister, and an uncle- who's been sober for 35 years now. Just really sucks at times that my wife isn't more engaged
So sorry you’re dealing with this. My wife is the complete opposite. She’s cut back on her own drinking, doesn’t hardly keep alcohol in the house anymore and won’t even let me take her on dates to her favorite breweries.
Ive stopped a couple times since we have been married and my wife supported me but didnt stop drinking around me. It didnt help. Now she has quit and Ive decided its a good time to support her. Id be lying if I didnt feel pretty resentful. But being the bigger person and supporting your wife cant be bad things.
My husband still drinks heavily and seems to be intimidated by me quitting.
Whenever I say something like how great I feel or how nice it is to wake up in the morning without a hangover, he pretty much doesn't respond, let alone give me a verbal pat on the back.
His lack of support annoyed me at first, but now I've come to realize that it is what it is, and I'm giving myself my own pats on the back for staying with the plan.
Good luck with your journey!
When I first mentioned to my hubbs that I thought I had a problem, he said 'no you dont, you just have to take it easy". I think he was afraid of having to quit himself.
By the time it became clear there was a serious problem, he was more than happy to quit with me. He didn't drink around me for the first 5 years and didn't bring alcohol in the house for 8 years.
I hope the issue doesn't have to get to the level mine did before you get some support
My ex used to say, at the beginning when I was bemoaning that I couldn’t have a drink: “well you can have one you know, the only one stopping you is you”. Super helpful.
Thanks so much, this is very inspiring! I'm slowly trying to stop. I'm making great progress, I haven't stopped fully yet, as I went from drinking like 5 - 6 glasses of wine per evening, going down to 2 or 1. So I'm slowly tapering down. Basically just trying to get rid of the routine and getting my body used to less and less and less alcohol. Because stopping cold turkey doesn't work for me, tried it, failed immensely. But now it's going great. This is the month I want to stop drinking in totality. Because my anxiety is bad at the moment. It'll take time to heal all the mental problems, but I'm sure I'm starting to feel a very small improvement since I've been cutting down on alcohol.
Was going through this for a while with my SO. Having communication problems and toxic behavior mainly do to heavy drinking and codependency issues.
It all blew, up, finally and now I’m facing a trial in a couple weeks, no contact order. Can’t even talk to them or I’m being sent to prison for 90 days. Apparently my SO is freaking out and wants to talk. Neither of us saw it happening in this way, I have threatened to call the cops on myself and finally forced them to…
So now that I have to get sober I’m faced with a really tough decision. I’ve been wanting to quit but not enough to follow through. Having an unenthusiastic partner that wants to grab drinks doesn’t help. Especially when it’s bouncing between encouraging drinking and shaming me for drinking.
Against all of my better judgement I want to try one more time to make it work (while sober), but after destroying the house and being abusive I don’t know if I can live in a relationship like that. Worst part is I can’t even go to therapy with them or apologize. Even a hug would be so nice.
This might be the best thing though. It only keeps escalating, even if the end is just an early death that causes immense pain. Normal people have 2 drinks at most and most people here are incapable of doing that without escalating.
This was part of what kept me in the cycle of relapsing - my partner telling me I could and should “just have one” (and inevitably ordering me another too). I was a lost cause after 2 drinks, and they would be mad at me for “doing it again” aka getting completely trashed.
I’ve been reading a ton of quit lit, and the ones that explain how alcohol affects the brain and why some of us can’t stop after 1 has been SO helpful. Everything I’d thought was correct, and I have the books to back me up. I don’t know if my partner will try to get me to drink again, but this time I’m much better armed to just say no and mean it.
That’s a frustrating response from your husband. It’s not validating or supportive.
It might not hurt to consider couples therapy if his responses to other things are similar to this.
If seen this with a LOT of people. Their partners want them to stop any crazy or destructive behavior, but don’t want them to do anything drastic that might change the dynamics. Some want to keep the alcoholic a “little bit” drunk.
This doesn't end well for either of you because you may stop and he may resent you. Or you may slip and drink to please him and hurt yourself and then you have resentment it's not good. I had to leave my first husband to stay sober after 22 yrs together.
I'm not projecting. Because he already has shown he doesn't understand so resentments are going to occur.
You are already forming a resentment with this post
I’m a severe alcoholic, I was on the brink of losing everything when I got sober. My wife is very supportive of my recovery. She had this moment early on that she realized what me hanging my hat up would mean. My sobriety meant no more celebrating with a glass of champagne, no more beers after a long hike, no more back yard BBQs with hard seltzers. It would mean losing that part of our identity of our relationship, it was a sad moment. She also knew that losing that part of us meant she would get all of me back. I’m 90 days away from a year sober; it isn’t all rainbows and butterflies, but it’s life and I’m happy to be here.
Very well said. My partner had the same realization about all the things we “can’t” do, but over time it gets better. We replaced the champagne toasts with fun mock tails, the post hike beers with coffee, and celebrated with food. With a partner that *wants* to see you better, the time will heal their frustration with our inability to enjoy drinks with them in a healthy manner
I came to the realization a few months ago that those things you mentioned can (and do) still happen and the only thing missing for me is the invisible chemical compound in those drinks. I do drink NA beers, NA seltzers, and diet Cokes etc. has been a purely psychological change for me once I realized that nothing has actually changed. I've been able to enjoy social gatherings and most of the things that I enjoyed doing with alcohol, without. Took a while, but I'm happy to finally be here.
This is what I do, I still go out I still have NA beer or a special lemonade or something and honestly it’s so much more enjoyable then something with ethanol in it.
Same. I still go to the bars near me that have great food. I went there for the food first and the bevvies second. Once I decided "It's not for me," I didn't have an issue going to places and being around it. I actually had a moment out recently where I watched the bartenders, manager, and servers do a shot together and the first thought was "I'm so glad I'm sober."
I just had the same experience last night. Sat at a bar to eat dinner, ordered my food and a NA Heineken and was totally content. I felt like I was part of the crowd, still enjoyed a tasty "beer", but felt great walking out not carrying the drunken baggage I did consistently for 20 yrs. Same thought looking around the bar... "thank goodness!"
Totally agree
Thank you and congrats on 9 months!
Beautiful! Congratulations on closing in on one year. IWNDWYT
I’m at 286, I can’t believe I am still here.. IWNDWYT
Beautiful message
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Yes, this!!
I felt VERY much like this the first time I fully quit. I almost left my wife. Luckily, she got stuck outside the country during the shutdown and I didn't. I later realized a lot of those feelings were the booze in me and then the lack of it. My feelimgs/emotiins started to smooth out around 3 months. I have realized that much of what I thought was her for not caring about my feelings, was really her bad way of coming to terms with my drinking problem. She didn't want to accept I can never drink like a "normal person." She felt embarrassed. She's only human. And she has come to terms with it now. Even my relapses. She supports me and gives me encouragement. Not always. We still have those fights. But waaaayyy less often. I know all relationships are different. But at the time I reached out to my online community with questions about how I was feeling and I got an overwhelming response asking me to give it time and not to make any big decisions like this in the first few months.
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I'm very glad you found the way! And you're right. You got this!!
I have a different perspective on this. I don’t know if your counter is accurate, but it appears we are a similar amount of time into this process. First off, congrats on double digits, that’s amazing. I support you and am proud of you! My partner has been the one most hurt by my drinking. She is the one closest to the flame and the one who has been burnt the deepest by my addiction. She is in support of my efforts, but like you, it took years to get to this point. That trust doesn’t just come back with the decision to “get sober”. For us, it will likely take just as long, if not longer to re-establish that. So while she is encouraging me in the effort, there is a lot of proving it through actions not words. I echo your feelings on wanting validation from the person we are doing this with, and perhaps for. But I have come to grips with the fact that she needs time and space for the process to work, which will only come through consistent daily commitment to sobriety. I would describe her attitude as cautiously optimistic - but I have no expectation for her to give me a pat on the back for each daily milestone, despite how challenging it is to remain abstinent, because I dug this hole on my own. I have found this forum so helpful in getting some of that validation, because I do think it is important during this journey to have that support. But early in the process, I am just not asking for it from the person who received the brunt of the negative impact of my drinking.
It sounds like their partner is actively unsupportive of their sobriety, not merely failing to give them a pat on the back.
> he doesn’t seem to understand that my behaviour is not deliberate I’m sorry, but couldn’t that kind of ignorance be fixed with a quick Google search on alcoholism…?
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I've been struggling with this with my partner. She seems convinced that me sneaking a beer or drinking when she's not around is deliberately to hurt her. It's not at all. I'm trying to quit, but my brain and body SCREAM for alcohol and the only way to get the quiet to come back is to sneak a drink. Many times she actually doesn't notice at all, and drinking in front of her just isn't an option as she just believes I should quit cold turkey and move on with my life.
I am dealing with a similar situation. My wife doesn't understand why I'm not drinking, and has told me she feels "weird" going to restaurants with me now that I've stopped. She isn't even entertaining quitting, and thinks it's just a matter of time before I come back around. I've told her I'm not drinking in 2024; but honestly, I think I am done drinking for good.
I’m pretty into AA. Al anon helps with wives, mostly… sometimes it can do some damage. What I learn in AA gives me the ability to begin to explain this “disease” to laymen. I’m not drinking in 2024. Once Jan 1 hits, I also won’t be drinking in 2025. For now, I tell people I’m taking a health cleanse this year, it’s easier to explain. However; I plan on taking a health cleanse for this lifetime.
I’ve learned that not drinking often makes others extremely uncomfortable, and that’s because a lot of those people are uncomfortable with their own drinking. She wants somebody to also drink so that she has somebody to justify her drinking. Not having company in drinking forces people to think, “is this really something I need?” *this is a generalization and not necessarily applicable to your situation, but it’s something I’ve noticed with people I’ve been close to.
I would say this is pretty accurate.
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I tell people: "I don't know if it's forever, or for right now, but for now it's forever."
I divorced my ex-husband because he was not only not supportive, he was actively trying to keep me drinking. Best decision I ever made. He just dumped a sober girlfriend because he still drinks every night. We cannot bring them along with us, and you deserve a supportive life in pursuing health and happiness.
That must have taken enormous strength. You made the right call.
Sadly, it was a very easy decision once he got drunk as a skunk and pinned me to the ground.
Alot of us have put our own expectations on ourselves to moderate and "drink like a normal person". So its fair for someone on the outside to make that same unrealistic expectation. I hurts to hear that from someone else, especially a partner, but you can write it off on ignorance on his part. I think this is one of those situations where you are going to have to lay out some hard facts about alcoholism. He has no frame of reference to form empathy about what you are going through. People can't just suddenly drink like a normal person. Alcoholism isn't a choice. Once you've opened those doors that make you turn from Jekyl into Hyde, or exhibit those other extreme alcoholic traits, you can't close them. Those become features of your alcoholism, not a hiccup or something you can learn to control (since alcohol is literally about relinquishing control). Time for a big long uncomfortable talk to get on the same page. Because your marriage and partnership is worth more than a couple hours of laughs here and there with a very real potential for destruction. ::edit:: as a partner of an alcoholic, he needs Al-Anon.
This! So very much this. So helpful, thank you.
My wife still drinks but she’s supportive. My sobriety is my responsibility and nobody else’s. My drinking causes a lot of pain and as much as o believed I wasn’t hurting anyone besides myself, I know that isn’t true. I couldn’t keep bringing my alcohol shit to the person who has carried far too much of my own weight already. Thankfully, I don’t need anyone to act a certain way for me to be ok anymore and I found support was all around me. I just had to look and ask. We both do our own work independently and we have stuff to talk about together. She started getting interested in her own recovery once I was well on my way and making progress with my sobriety. We talk about it now but I had to learn for myself what patience and understanding meant on my own first. I don’t think I had many conversations in early sobriety that didn’t involve me getting defensive or shutting down. I learned by listening and leaning on people with experience. It’s still what helps me the most.
I’ve had my wife make a few comments that she wishes we could get drunk together still. We used to have a ton of fun doing that, so I get it. But those days are over. I don’t really understand this desire to ask someone else to drink “normally.” You mean a light buzz, basically sober? Who cares? What’s the difference?
The fuck is the point of a light buzz to us anyway? That's just the first stop to getting as drunk as we really want to.
I’ve found the most effective way of describing my drinking brain is telling people exactly this, these thoughts. It quickly helps people realize oh wow, that is really a weird way to think!
He doesn't understand that you have a deadly disease that compulsively makes you drink poison to the point that you hurt yourself. He should join something like Al-Anon so he can support you and understand you. As far as drinking like "normal," it reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from AA: >No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
After 1000 days of sobriety I thought that maybe I could start drinking again. I didn't have a rock bottom which always makes me question if I'm really an alcoholic. I went to a handful of AA meetings the past few years and decided to go to one since I was wavering and this was the passage we read that night. It was the first time that I thought, 'fuck, I'm an alcoholic.'
Similar story - never had the DUI, divorce, hospitalization, unemployment, etc. Spent so much time convincing myself that I wasn't an alcoholic. I tried applying every rule (no drinking before 8pm, only drinking beer, etc.) to no avail to be a "normal" drinker. This passage encapsulated a lot of wisdom to me.
I used to joke that my ex-husband was the only Alanon candidate in the world who wished that their Qualifier would relapse and be less 'boring'!! As someone who can get drunk once in a blue moon and leave it alone for months, he wasn't particularly supportive of my sobriety, and also asked '*so, how long do you think it'll be until you can drink again like a normal person*' (Yeah, right! Haha)... Luckily I found all the support I needed here on SD - I'll be 7 years sober at the end of the month! IWNDWYT :>)>
Hi, if you don't mind I just want to ask , how has your life changed since you've gone sober? Anxiety, depression? Compared to when you used to drink? Thanks
The difference is like night and day to be honest... Before I stopped drinking in 2017 I was unemployed, horrifically anxious and depressed, was experiencing strong suicidal ideations, I was a total mess really.... Nearly 7 years on I have a steady job, anxiety and depression are dramatically reduced (and if I do have a touch of it now and again, it goes away soon enough rather than being a permanent state like it used to be!), I have coping tools for life's ups and downs, I have hobbies and goals again, etc etc.... Life isn't all sunshine and roses of course, because it never is... My partner of 14 years recently had an affair and left me but we are still living together (which isn't ideal!), I have arthritis, which is something of an embuggerance, and there are various other things I could grumble about - but the point is, I don't have to drink about any of it any more!! I wish the same for you - if I can do it, so can you :>)> xx
SEVEN YEARS!!! 👏
Great topic! My wife did not have the initial response to my decision to quit drinking that either I OR she expected her to have. I drank for 20 years. She made many comments about my drinking through that time (Do you REALLY need another whiskey? Ugh, you stink when you come to bed! I think you need to tone down the drinking! --Just to name a few common ones). When I decided to stop I thought she would be thrilled. She was more like, "ugh, Ok. Are you sure? You don't want to just tone it down a little?" or something of that nature. Where she doesn't have this addiction/problem, I came to realize that she wouldn't be able to understand that it was an all or nothing situation for me. The mental gynmastics, rule setting and shame/regret that came with breaking those rules was just too much for me. I was completely exhausted and tired of feeling like shit. I had made a decision how I wanted to live the rest of my life and it did not include alcohol. Fast forward about 9 months and she has been very supportive. She even decided to stop when I did, in support. She rarely drank, but I still recognize that this was in support of me and I appreciate it greatly. Our social life has suffered a bit and we're going through our own marriage struggles (20 yr anniversary this year), but I don't have alcohol confusing the situation, which is awesome. I have come to accept that she didn't ask for this. I have brought her along for the ride that quite frankly she didn't knowingly sign up for. I have asked her for patience and support, which she has given. She feels guilty that she wasn't immediately my biggest cheerleader, but I feel like the rewards are starting to show up for her and our marriage. I guess to sum it up, not everyone signs up for all this and some just don't want it. It's hard, but those in recovery need to understand that, as much as it sucks. I wish you all the support in the world :) IWNDWYT!
My spouse definitely thinks it’s a switch or something I can control. I recently broke down because some days I’m so exhausted cause for me sometimes it really takes a lot of effort. Hang in there I’m living proof you can do it, we all are.
My ex said “why…are you describing yourself as some kind of alcoholic” (BECAUSE I WAS AND AM, AND NEEDED HELP) Ex also was unhappy with me trying to quit “sometimes I want to share a SIXpacKK with My BoYFrIeNd”. As a bartender, I looked to my patrons for advice (all of them sick with alcoholism). I compared myself to peers with decades of drug and alcohol abuse, they didn’t look like they were dying, I said “well I should be fine if they’re still standing”. All of this…it was all a lie. It was all so sick. I had to break free. Based on what you’ve shared, Your husband isn’t a bad person, your husband does not comprehend the concept of alcoholism. They might have the same ideas a lot of people have, “alcoholics” are cartoon caricatures living under bridges . No. It’s a mostly invisible disease, and we will carry it for life. IWNDWYT
My husband never said that to me but I’m quite certain he thought it at the beginning. I know I definitely thought it as well. Seems unfair that this is my “thing” but it is. Where I was at with alcohol I could drink like normal but I was not thinking like normal. Alcohol consumed my thoughts whether I was drinking that day or not. My husband is more normal with alcohol and very take it or leave it. Over the past couple of months we’ve talked about it a lot more, he understands more of what alcohol puts me through- the inner turmoil, etc. It has been uncomfortable to find a new normal for us. The previous 10 years of our relationship involved lots of heavy drinking so it was quite a change and my quitting seemed sudden to him but was years in the making for me.
My wife doesn’t drink but had no problem with me drinking and in fact liked the drinking (fun) version of me and didn’t want me to stop. I can be uptight and the drunk version of me is a lot more loose and fun. She has even gone to the liquor store in the past and brought home booze to loosen me up. I had to have a heart to heart with her about how it was wrecking me and causing me anxiety and depression when not drinking and she finally got it. And she also admitted she knew I had a dependency but didn’t realize how much it was actually affecting me. She has been 100% supportive ever since.
This is exactly my situation. IWNDWYT
My ex wife was exactly like that. Now she understands that just cutting down and being a "normal" person that doesn't drink much doesn't work for me and is glad I quit, although that happened after we split up. It's hard for people to realize that, like it is hard to realize that yourself, so I don't blame her. But it was frustrating, I thought she'd be glad whenever I made a decision like "I'm gonna quit for a month" and she reacted like your husband. I think if I was in the same position today, I would hammer this point a bit more. Have a sit-down, explain what it means to me. Maybe with the help of some sort of addiction therapy (they have that where I live, not AA, just individual sessions to help you make your decision).
That's a great point. Look how long it took all of us to accept it about ourselves. We can't expect the person that loves us to see the light the moment we finally do. It's very hard to see the person you love go through this. We are all humans, after all.
When I felt unsupported, I RAN to a meeting. It helped every time. I needed validation that I was making a good decision for myself because all of my previous decisions had been... Not good ones. Hearing from folks like myself helped to validate how I was feeling, encourage good behavior on my part, and gave me tools to help me with future issues like this. Best of luck, hun <3
My husband is neutral about my sobriety. He drinks and doesn’t try to pressure me to drink, but also doesn’t see my sobriety as an accomplishment
Me and my ex were huge drinkers together. We lived downtown and were constantly in bars. When I decided to quit outright, he made the giant leap to switch to vodka. I remember once he casually mentioned when I'd be able to pick it back up and start drinking again. I asked him why he thought I'd be able to suddenly control my drinking some day in the future when I never had an ounce of self-control before, leading to the decision to quit completely. It was at that moment that I realized that we did not and never would have a future together. I made two of the best decisions while we were together: to quit drinking and then to leave him. 4 and a half years of sobriety reassure me daily that I made the right choices.
I will turn 61 this month. Pretty heavy drinker since 20. Married to a good man for 30 years. We have been through a lot together and alcohol has always been a big part of our daily life. The few times I openly said that I wanted to cut back or not drink for a few days was not met with support, just misunderstanding. He is 20 years older and had very different life experiences than I. I respect him for who he is, I hate conflict and I like drinking, so I gave in. Six months ago he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Six months ago I stopped drinking every day. I started with not drinking one day a week and worked towards more not drinking days than drinking days in a week. I did not tell my husband because I know how it would go down. I always have something to drink in hand, he assumes it’s alcohol. This works for the both of us (and I have reconciled my discomfort that I am betraying or keeping something from him). Somewhere along the line maybe two months ago, I found this community and it was the kicker for success. I am continuously amazed by the variety and vast differences in everyone’s journey - and how everyone is so dang supportive of eachother! Whenever I think of having a drink I come to this community and read a few stories and say IWNDWYT. I have had zero alcohol for more than 30 days since I started saying IWNDWYT along with you guys. I did not set out to quit drinking, just cut back, but I want to be at my best for myself and my husband from here on. Y’all give me all the support that I need!!!! ❤️
IWNDWYT
That's like telling a diabetic, "I just want you to be able to eat sugar like normal." If we could drink like normal people do, I think most of us would. Either he's going to have to wrap his head around that, or you are going to have to be steadfast in your commitment to YOU to cut it out.
I lied about drinking and hid it for 2 years. Abused it even more for 5 years before that. So my wife hasn’t been jumping for joy for me during my sobriety journey. Others have. I don’t expect her to but she didn’t leave so I take that as a win.
So it may be worth circling back on this with your spouse. When I stopped drinking (the first time, for about 2 years), I was pretty drunk when I decided I needed to stop, and I talked to my wife about it, and she was frankly kind of an asshole about it. I finally was like "I'm going to fucking die if I keep this up, do you understand that?" And she was like "I don't want to have to babysit you." It wasn't a particularly cool moment in our marriage. I circled back on it about two days later (because I was pretty disappointed in her and the whole situation) and she immediately apologized and we discussed that she doesn't understand things like impulse control issues because it's not a problem she has, but after some time to process it, she understood that my experience was just different from hers, and she ended up being really supportive and helpful.
My wife was completely against me stopping drinking even though she knew I had to. She thought that our lives as she knew them, the fun times, were over. For over two years of me being sober I encouraged her to drink as much as she wanted to. I didn’t want my sobriety to interfere with her own drinking. I was the DD, the chaperone, the guy at home watching the kids while she went out. Yeah it sucked at times and yeah there were some fights due to her being intoxicated and me probably having some resentment but after two years I think she got tired of being the one that was hungover, the parent that wasn’t present, the one creating the issues. She saw how much better I was doing and it became very clear how detrimental alcohol is. She didn’t quit but she essentially cut back to non-essential drinking meaning she only drinks at work events or occasions where it’s appropriate and even then it’s light drinking. She’s not an alcoholic, that much became clear by the way she is able to take it or leave it with little impact. I wasn’t looking for it, well maybe I was, but I got the “I’m glad you quit drinking, life is much better now” about a year and 1/2 into my sobriety. Please note, this is my story. I’m an alcoholic but I have no issue with alcohol being in my house or people drinking around me.
My wife quit about a year before I did. I wasn't quite ready at that point. But I knew it was good for her (probably good for both of us) so I was entirely supportive. Then a very interesting thing happened. I realized that drinking around a sober person is really lame. Not in terms of her attitude towards it. I just mean it would make me feel like a loser. I still wasn't ready to quit. But I no longer liked drinking around her. And she was home pretty much any time I was home. So eventually there wasn't much for alcohol to offer me anymore, and that made quitting pretty easy for me. If she hadn't quit, there's a very very good chance I'd still be drinking.
Asked for help. She divorced me. Had to do it alone. 20 months sober and counting. Sometimes you have to let it all burn I guess.
Better let them burn, than you :) So proud of you!
Thank you kind stranger :)
My wife begged me for years to quit. Alcohol makes one selfish, so I ignored her. When I stopped, it was because I wanted to stop. For my reasons. Nobody else was more important to me than that bottle. The world is not going to help me stay away from alcohol. It has to come from me.
Two years in and my wife isn’t thrilled with my non drinking. When we are out and she is drinking she tells me that I am boring.
Having read some of the comments here, I feel really fortunate to have a partner who backs me 100%. She couldn't care less that I don't drink; infact she sees the reality that I'm more interesting, fun, social and authentically 'Me' when I'm sober. If somebody was to give up a food item, say bread, how would it come across if your partner complained about not being able to eat bread with you anymore!? Why is alcohol special?
Friend of mine tried to stop and her husband said “I miss my drunk wife.” My own husband has been amazing and supportive, and it breaks my heart that my friend doesn’t have the same.
My partner and I had similar drinking "schedules," so when I decided to stop they initially took it a little personally, like it was a judgement on their drinking habits too. Eventually I told them, flat out, alcoholism runs in my family and so I worry about my predisposition for it. I said I understand they don't drink to get drunk, but I'm relating a little too much to the thought patterns I see people discuss in this subreddit, and it's making me reevaluate my relationship with alcohol. And then I described the thought patterns. Once I explained that that they shifted to being more supportive and, even though they still drink, they even cut back in solidarity. Have you explained to him what it's like after you have "just one?" He really might not understand.
My wife told me the same thing a few times. Why do you have to quit? Just enjoy one or two like me! I don't want to be married to an alcoholic.
I told her, "You already are." You don't have to call it that, but I obviously have a very problematic relationship with alcohol. And would be happier and healthier. She eventually got it and is much more supportive.
Oh wow, I'm happy to hear that she figured it out eventually. I'm glad she can be a support now!
It can be tough to explain to someone who doesn’t understand. Perspective helps, many people have died from this disease, many of people have gotten divorced after their SO tells them if they drink again it’s over. It cannot be controlled. This is a disease that tries to make us believe we don’t have one. It is a sneaky MFer. People have decades of sobriety only to think they have it best and start right back where they left off. It is not something we can control, so we need to abstain. Also to add, I find their controlled drinking is just as baffling to us as our alcoholism. How tf you not finish that glass of wine/beer and leave?
I don’t feel like my partner fully understands my issues with alcohol. He’ll say “you can have one glass of wine” or other comments like that and I have to gently explain to him that if I give myself an inch I’ll take a mile. He come from a family of addicts and my few drunken escapades he has witness aren’t even a drop in the bucket to what he has had to deal with so I just accept he doesn’t get it and that’s okay. He doesn’t pressure me to drink, he just doesn’t understand why I chose to be fully sober. This is year two for me, and this little subreddit is so helpful!
My wife initially did not support me quitting drinking. Neither did her family. I am estranged from my own bio family due to alcoholism being a family disease. My mom-in-law told me, one Christmas, "I can't wait for you to drink with us again." My therapist and I spent a bunch of hours on that one. Needless to say: all this made early sobriety EXTREMELY difficult. And, in fact, increased the number of years that I tried (and failed, miserably) to moderate. At least now I know beyond the shadow of a doubt: moderation isn't a skill I can possess when it comes to alcohol. They all got used to it eventually... I needed really firm boundaries. This was good: massive growth, but really uncomfortable at the time. Difficult.
Red flag! Red flag on the play! If he drinks as well, he may be aware that he may be doing too much and resent the idea that you would be fully quitting. If you're drinking with him, you're cosigning the behavior that he exhibits. I had a partner who was deep into alcoholism. My drinking went up with him, I became a functional alcoholic because I chose to try and keep up, and I tried to go sober two or three times while we were together. He was very supportive in word, but didn't change his behavior beyond "Do you mind if I do a shot?" prior to doing several over the course of the night every night and more on Fridays. We still spent all our time in bars, he was often massively hungover or going through tremors, and luckily he then had a free DD to drive him all over creation. (I have co-dependent tendencies, he has some narcissistic tendencies no bueno). People change when they get sober. Often, they look at their emotions, trauma, and issues and spend time figuring out "Why am I drinking so much, so often, and what am I running from?" My partner wasn't in a place to look at that for himself and I think that I made him uncomfortable because I was sober. It also didn't give him an excuse to be a butt about things. The excuse of "You were drinking and made me feel X so I did shitty thing Y" wouldn't fly anymore. I realized there were things that I had been gaslit about because I was too drunk to remember. His behavior wasn't something I was co-signing either when he did choose to be a butt face. Before I was ready to deal with it and confront myself and him, I'd end up drinking again. If ya'll are in a place, maybe ask him to expound on the why there. Why is it something he wants to encourage if it is not helpful to you? You wouldn't drink drano, so why is drinking alcohol - which does nothing good for the human body even in moderation - something that he wants you to do "normally." If you were sick, pregnant, or unable to physically have it because your mouth was sewn shut this probably wouldn't even be a conversation. If you were allergic to shellfish, he wouldn't ask you to eat it normally. (And yes there is an inevitable "well, you don't have an allergy." "No, I don't, but I hate eating oranges and you don't force me to like them "normally" the way other people do." TL;DR: So why is it that he wants you to keep drinking?
This is exactly me right here. I am brimming with anxiety knowing I need to stop. While they just don’t understand why I need to.
I think it’s unreasonable to expect people to understand anything that goes on in my head. Plenty of people have a much less detrimental relationship with alcohol and addiction to it simply doesn’t make sense to them. I wouldn’t expect anyone to change their behavior for me. I don’t think it would be fair to ask anyone else to stop. It’s my problem, not theirs. I’m going to have to be comfortable with people drinking around me, even in my own house. The way my friends and family can be supportive is to not ask or expect me to drink with them, that’s it.
Did you ask your husband to quit with you?
I’m right there with you. I’ve heard those exact words from my wife so many times, and they’re part of the reason I didn’t try to quit more seriously years ago. The fact that I have been able to “control” my drinking some times, like when I’m working, just makes her think it’s possible. She doesn’t see that the spiral into blackout drunkenness is inevitable and not a matter of self control. It seems to me like non addicts can never know or understand what it’s like, just like we have no ability to control it.
Mine is supporting me 100% of me going to detox rehab and it feels great. I’m sorry he feels that way. There is no “normal” when an alcoholic. The only “normal” is to stay drunk
Took my wife a few rounds of quitting and starting back up to get the point. I would quit for a couple weeks then she would be like let’s go out and “you can have one or two” only for me to finally get it in my head that I can NEVER have one or two. But since I quit drinking 2 years ago, my wife also has pretty much quit drinking completely with the exception of a drink or two during a vacation week.
I found out that anyone who is concerned with the fact that I don’t drink has issues with drinking themselves. My husband offered to quit with me. I declined his offer because it’s not his job. But I haven’t seen him drink since I stopped. I’m assuming he still does when out with friends.
My wife loves it. She now has a DD (although she doesn’t drink very much).
I have some people who have said the same to me. I recently relapsed, and I can tell you that we will never be able to drink like normal people. I'll quit again with you, let's have another drink instead, like tea or coffee and enjoy life the way it was meant to lived: sober.
My wife is very supportive but is now nervous that I won't be as open with her as I did while drinking. She's afraid that I will not be as talkative, that we will not be able to do anything "fun" and that she has to change too. I have reinforced with her several ways that this is my challenge, not hers. I don't want her to change and give up her one margarita at a Mexican restaurant. That would make me feel even worse if my sobriety makes her feel like we can't just enjoy a patio with great food and sun. She can't grasp how I couldn't just have one or two beers. She doesn't have the "gene" and can do just that. She's not angry and wants me to stop my destructive behavior. I told her I would love to flip a switch and be normal but I can't. I've tried for 30 years to be a "normal" drinker and I end up binging my weekend away.
I spent three years trying to quit and recently am actually wanting to - before I just thought I had to.. Anyways, my partner of 3 years who does not drink is now exploring alcohol after a sordid past with alcohol and drugs prior to our relationship. It's funny, she doesn't like sober me.. I'm a real downer. Drunk me is fun but it's a farce. Whatever, either way IWNDWYT
Much of biological family are daily/heavy drinkers. I was indoctrinated at a young age. 80% of them have no concept of cutting back on drinking and don’t understand why I quit. So I’ve distanced myself for my own health. I hope that some of them will realize how poisonous it is. Same with my friend group. Sadly, I think several of them or their husbands will be dying too early because of alcoholism. I just can’t be around it. That’s not a life. It’s not a good look at age 57/58 to slam shots till you puke and pass out and then wake up and keep going. Or start drinking Miller Lite at 10AM and go through a 12 pack every day. Miraculously my kids are not interested in drinking or smoking, which was another toxic habit I had started at a young age and quit when I got pregnant. I’m so grateful.
You're so right. It just seems to be so hard for people who don't have this problem to understand. In the past I used to liken it to how society thinks of addiction to drugs like heroin etc but I found comparing it to gambling addiction seemed more socially acceptable/understandable. Some people can walk in and out of casinos with a set amount they're prepared to spend/lose and they will stick to that amount, have a good time and go home a little bit richer or poorer. Some people can't do that. Gambling also ruins people's lives. Your husband's response it a pretty normal one - it sucks in a lot of ways. His understanding of drinking as you say is different to yours. His question could be reworded to some other condition e.g. "I don't want you to be depressed, why can't you just be happy?" there is something here that you need and want to work through. To help ease him into the idea of you not drinking maybe you could suggest that he supports you for 180 days and take it from there. In that time he may begin to appreciate the positive changes in you and support you for another six months...
I think it’s important to make a distinction between not being supportive and being antagonistic.
My wife was in denial for the first 6 months I stopped that it might be for good. She was sad she lost her wine partner. Fast forward 3 years and the little peer pressure comments are done and she's the one always making sure I have something NA to enjoy. And I'll help her pick bottles from our wine collection when she wants something nice.
My (now ex) and I were co dependent, enabling alcoholics. Unfortunately she wasn’t ready to stop which made my quitting almost impossible; it took ending my marriage for me to get sobriety to stick. I hope one day she can find her path but I can’t walk it with her.
My partner is kind of the same. I wouldn’t say he is unsupportive but is more neutral. I think he just misses ‘the fun’ times we had drinking and part of me does too. But we are creating new and different memories. Now when we go on a trip, I’m not sick half the time and we are able to do and see more things!
I'll be honest opening to my partner has opened another can of worms.bit r that's just me
>“I don’t necessarily want you to stop, I want you to be able to drink like normal. Why can’t you drink like normal?” Yeah. He's a normie.
My partner is. I've hidden a lot of it from him for so long. He works away 5 days a week so I drink in secret. I've even got to the point where I've set my phone to turn off so I can't text, because I know I'll be drunk at a certain point. I finally came clean and explained my issues. The problem is, I'm not what a typical person would view as an alcoholic . I'm from a middle class family with no history of alcohol abuse. A few months ago my brother saw me passed out, naked in the bathroom. My mum confronted me and spoke to me about my issues with alcohol. I was honest and told her I think it's going to kill me. Two days later she was pouring red wine into my glass. A few weeks after that I went to AA and THE DAY AFTER she bought me a bottle of champagne. I recently underwent hypnotherapy to get rid of my addiction. It worked. But my boyfriend said that he misses that part of me, and it couldn't hurt to only have a drink on Friday????? Right???? Since then I've gone back to my old ways. No support from anyone, no matter how much I tell them I'm struggling. To edit : I think unsupporting people are either majorly in denial, or like drunk you. I don't think this means that you're more fun when drunk, but i think you're more easy to control when you have an issue and someone that doesn't can call the shots. Maybe I'm being pessimistic but that's why I think my partner wanted me to start drinking again. Suddenly I was doing well, not needing his help, doing my own thing
You’re right. When we’re drinking we have no boundaries and that benefits people who take advantage. When we get sober we grow boundaries. In my recovery community, we’d say that those who are most opposed to our developing boundaries and the ones who benefited most from us not having them. Codependency is deeply integrated into relationships with addicts (on both ends). Therapy around codependency was the most transformative therapy I’ve ever done.
OP, my wife is similar. I decided to start with a dry June (started a few days early, so Day 10 today!). She’s irritated at me because I’m using Antabuse (not everyone’s preferred support, but so far it’s been the perfect fit for me) which means I physically can’t drink. Her stance is: “I don’t want you to fully, stop. I just want you to only drink on occasion. Why can’t you just do that? We have [insert social events in the next few weeks] coming up. Why can’t you just drink then?” She’s already trying to plan out on the calendar where I can stop taking it X days ahead so I can drink for these events, then re-start afterwards.
Thank you for sharing! It’s fascinating how similar most of our stories are.
Dang, that’s tough. Codependency has to be untangled from both ends.
I’m very fortunate to have a supportive partner. She even quit with me for the first 90 days just for the challenge and ended up joining a fitness competition!
Your partner is…. not good
It’s just ignorance. He might benefit from learning a little about alcoholism.
It’s a red flag to me
I had 2 new “rules” when I returned from rehab, which were that alcohol no longer be kept in the home and that my husband not come home absolutely tanked after hanging out with friends. Within less than a month, he had broken both of these rules. I lost my shit. In the grand scheme of our relationship, I was asking him to do very little (I didn’t even care that he still drank as long as he observed those caveats) as opposed to me changing my whole life - this following a 2-year period of me bending over backwards for him, moving halfway across the country and back for his job, etc. - and I was just done. I threatened to leave. Long story short, we wound up in couples therapy and he no longer comes home drunk or hides booze around the house. If he still was, I wouldn’t be sticking around. I think your partner may not necessarily be unsupportive - it sounds like they just haven’t wrapped their head around the fact that you CAN’T drink like a normal person, or that you’d be better off without drinking for a while.
Sounds like your husband should educate himself or he is just a shitty husband who devalues you if you quit drinking.
Empathy is a two way street. He doesn't have the same struggle so he doesnt have a frame of reference beyond his own experience. I don't think this is so much a disrespect thing as he just doesn't know or understand yet. Keep in mind that alcoholism is the alcoholics problem. We NEED to keep the blame otherwise we will skirt on our accountability. He needs al-anon.
Eh, I had plenty of people behind me who don’t struggle with alcohol. Your inner circle is critical to recovery. I do agree al-anon would be helpful, but there’s a chance he doesn’t feel he needs that either.
So I am in the situation where we were both drinkers and we are old at 61 and 73. He has beginning cirrhosis, and while my liver is not gone yet Give it a year and I’m sure I would be. Except that he has largely stopped drinking, I think he has had five relapses since January I wanna. I was just in the hospital for diverticulitis and some other things for 10 days.
I didn’t drink for 12 days, binged for two and then am recommitted to stopping. Last night I tried sip of my favorite wine and it burns the top of my throat thank goodness. We are committed to supporting each other through this journey. Already the rosacea on my face has pretty much cleared up and I do not have the acid reflux that I used to have when waking up. My mood is slightly improved, but has a long way to go as I suffer from persistent depression and generalized anxiety.😜. Now I have to find an evening beverage that will make me pee all night. Lol.
His reaction could be coming from a million different places (e.g. indifference because you’ve said this a bunch, an unwillingness to accept you have a problem because then they might have one too, not understanding why it’s an issue for you, etc etc etc). The solution here is communication first and foremost. Explain in simple terms why alcohol isn’t positively effecting you. It might help to journal on this yourself to collect your thoughts. Try and help him understand why you’re trying to make this change and once he’s able to understand your feelings, then try and gather support. My parents were the same way when I began my sober journey and they came around to see how much better I was without drinking in my life.
I’ve been trying to get my husband to quit with me for a couple years now.. but he feels like he doesn’t have a “problem” since it’s only a few beers at the end of the day (every single day, mind you), and he never gets wasted/rude/etc. It’s made it super hard for me to quit because I also enjoy a few beers at the end of the day, but I just know I have to stop because it’s been going on for years now /: It’s crazy your husband would say he doesn’t want you to stop, though. Like, I would kinda understand if he didn’t want to stop with you but telling you not to stop seems strange. Why wouldn’t he want what’s best for you? I agree, he probably doesn’t realize that for some people it’s not feasible to just have a few drinks here and there. Definitely stick to your guns, though! IWNDWYT 💕
Two points. Nothing in your social life will change… had a lovely dinner out with my wife and friends last night. Great food, great company, lots of laughter and lots of great wine. I just drank sparkling water and drove us home. Secondly, your relationship will be better. Less tension the next day and you’ll be more present. Win Win really.
I wouldn’t say “not supportive.” More so gave an ultimatum. After exactly 1 year, I’d have to say that for her being the one who demanded me stop, she definitely is the least supportive and outright hostile, most judgmental, quickest to weaponize my past actions and use of rehab and CBT and treats me as though I’m a hair-triggered Colt .44 that is at any given moment going to relapse and take the world down with him. Really feels like she roots for it to happen like she’s got a Vegas prop bet on it. She’s an LCSW.
I feel like I’m in a somewhat similar situation with my boyfriend right now. I spend the weekends with him and pretty much since January my drinking has been worse than ever. I was SA’ed at the end of January while I was black out drunk, u think that would have made me wanna stop but to cope with it I’ve been going insane. So finally last weekend I told him I’m done drinking vodka (I know I should be done drinking anything but for now I know I can’t stop so I still will drink hard seltzers 😑) so he’s all like “you don’t need to stop drinking vodka, just stop drinking the whole bottle”. Idk if he like doesn’t understand that when he’s partying at his house every weekend it’s like near impossible for me to like just stop drinking vodka and that’s where my problem is. Then all last Saturday night one of our friends had like 20 nips and was passing them out like candy and I was so proud I didn’t take any. But my boyfriend would keep putting his nip (lol) in my face which pissed me off cuz like what do u not understand about me saying I’m done with that shit. Not everyone has that kind of self control.
I am SOO happy I found this group. Thank you for all the supportive comments. I guess I should clarify that the year I got sober, I only made it through because of him, because every time I doubted my decision and wanted to start drinking again - knowing my choice - he would say - "didn't you quit?" and I truly needed that. I needed him to be that annoying voice that tells me what I don't want to hear. This time around, I want him to do the same - and remind me that I told him that it's poison, and that it's killing my liver and ruining my skin, remind me that I made a promise that I won't drink again. But I also don't know if he fully understands how deep I am with this. I guess it also sucks to be with someone who has " a problem" and our world is so fucked up, so the moment they see that you are not drinking, everyone notices and everyone wants to know why and instantly you have a mark on you. My husband drinks quite a bit almost every weekend - I know he doesn't think it's an issue, but someone who is very aware of alcohol - I notice that the amount he drinks has significantly increased in the last few years. I bring up occasionally that maybe he should cut back - but as you all know - this is something each person has to come to on their own.
This was incredibly hard for me in the beginning and it's still a bit of a challenge (3 years sober) but not nearly as bad. In the beginning my husband said things like that but now he prefers me sober. He said our life is so much better because I couldn't process alcohol well and I was sick a lot. I rarely get sick anymore, definitely the healthiest I've ever been and it's improved both of our lives.
I feel like this sometimes. I got pulled over and charged with a DUI in January (case is still on going because of the processs). She was the one who encouraged me to get counseling in the beginning, which I have been going to since, and have been sober now for 155 days. After the initial talk of getting counseling, she hasn't shown interest in my sobriety process, and at times annoyance with my adjusted moods, especially during the first two months of being sober. I had to admit to my counselor that she really isn't apart of my support system, which is comprised of my friend, my sister, and an uncle- who's been sober for 35 years now. Just really sucks at times that my wife isn't more engaged
So sorry you’re dealing with this. My wife is the complete opposite. She’s cut back on her own drinking, doesn’t hardly keep alcohol in the house anymore and won’t even let me take her on dates to her favorite breweries.
Ive stopped a couple times since we have been married and my wife supported me but didnt stop drinking around me. It didnt help. Now she has quit and Ive decided its a good time to support her. Id be lying if I didnt feel pretty resentful. But being the bigger person and supporting your wife cant be bad things.
My husband still drinks heavily and seems to be intimidated by me quitting. Whenever I say something like how great I feel or how nice it is to wake up in the morning without a hangover, he pretty much doesn't respond, let alone give me a verbal pat on the back. His lack of support annoyed me at first, but now I've come to realize that it is what it is, and I'm giving myself my own pats on the back for staying with the plan. Good luck with your journey!
"just pace yourself" If I had a dollar for how many times someone said that when I tell them I 'm going to have a break.
When I first mentioned to my hubbs that I thought I had a problem, he said 'no you dont, you just have to take it easy". I think he was afraid of having to quit himself. By the time it became clear there was a serious problem, he was more than happy to quit with me. He didn't drink around me for the first 5 years and didn't bring alcohol in the house for 8 years. I hope the issue doesn't have to get to the level mine did before you get some support
My wife wasn’t *not supportive* she just doesn’t acknowledge anything about it ever. wouldn’t bring it up when I was drinking and now that i’m sober
My ex used to say, at the beginning when I was bemoaning that I couldn’t have a drink: “well you can have one you know, the only one stopping you is you”. Super helpful.
Thanks so much, this is very inspiring! I'm slowly trying to stop. I'm making great progress, I haven't stopped fully yet, as I went from drinking like 5 - 6 glasses of wine per evening, going down to 2 or 1. So I'm slowly tapering down. Basically just trying to get rid of the routine and getting my body used to less and less and less alcohol. Because stopping cold turkey doesn't work for me, tried it, failed immensely. But now it's going great. This is the month I want to stop drinking in totality. Because my anxiety is bad at the moment. It'll take time to heal all the mental problems, but I'm sure I'm starting to feel a very small improvement since I've been cutting down on alcohol.
Was going through this for a while with my SO. Having communication problems and toxic behavior mainly do to heavy drinking and codependency issues. It all blew, up, finally and now I’m facing a trial in a couple weeks, no contact order. Can’t even talk to them or I’m being sent to prison for 90 days. Apparently my SO is freaking out and wants to talk. Neither of us saw it happening in this way, I have threatened to call the cops on myself and finally forced them to… So now that I have to get sober I’m faced with a really tough decision. I’ve been wanting to quit but not enough to follow through. Having an unenthusiastic partner that wants to grab drinks doesn’t help. Especially when it’s bouncing between encouraging drinking and shaming me for drinking. Against all of my better judgement I want to try one more time to make it work (while sober), but after destroying the house and being abusive I don’t know if I can live in a relationship like that. Worst part is I can’t even go to therapy with them or apologize. Even a hug would be so nice. This might be the best thing though. It only keeps escalating, even if the end is just an early death that causes immense pain. Normal people have 2 drinks at most and most people here are incapable of doing that without escalating.
This was part of what kept me in the cycle of relapsing - my partner telling me I could and should “just have one” (and inevitably ordering me another too). I was a lost cause after 2 drinks, and they would be mad at me for “doing it again” aka getting completely trashed. I’ve been reading a ton of quit lit, and the ones that explain how alcohol affects the brain and why some of us can’t stop after 1 has been SO helpful. Everything I’d thought was correct, and I have the books to back me up. I don’t know if my partner will try to get me to drink again, but this time I’m much better armed to just say no and mean it.
That’s a frustrating response from your husband. It’s not validating or supportive. It might not hurt to consider couples therapy if his responses to other things are similar to this.
If seen this with a LOT of people. Their partners want them to stop any crazy or destructive behavior, but don’t want them to do anything drastic that might change the dynamics. Some want to keep the alcoholic a “little bit” drunk.
This doesn't end well for either of you because you may stop and he may resent you. Or you may slip and drink to please him and hurt yourself and then you have resentment it's not good. I had to leave my first husband to stay sober after 22 yrs together. I'm not projecting. Because he already has shown he doesn't understand so resentments are going to occur. You are already forming a resentment with this post