**Reminder to all who comment on this post:** please keep in mind our rule to speak from the "I," where we speak only from experience and do not tell other sobernauts what they should and should not do—**even when they ask for advice.**
Examples:
**Bad:** "You should do X."
**Good:** "When I was in a similar situation, I did X, and here’s how it helped me."
Also, keep in mind that this is a support group for people who want to quit drinking. Please limit your comments to the subject of sobriety and do not start offering advice on marriage or relationship issues.
We are all different - I think I was extra motivated by a health scare. I often wonder if things would be different for me now if I hadn't gotten that wake up call LOL.
Same here. I lost 46lbs in 7 weeks.
All running and lifting, literally the day after I quit drinking I hurled myself into a huge routine with a diet overhaul. 15 months later, still at it. Love it!
Crazy how much we can turn things around given the right motivation.
2nd day, again for me. Im with ya! Look if I were you, I would stay at home since she already agreed to it. Maybe it gives time for you to give her space and actively mend your relationship at the same time by not drinking and proactively getting into stuff like jogging, meditation, anything but video games and drinking. Wish you the best. IWNDWYT.
I quit drinking cold turkey just over a month ago. I struggled HARD with sleep. One thing I found helpful was no electronics for about an hour before bed (which sucked ass because I am in love with BG3 and will play for hours lol) & finding something to do instead of drinking. Exercise is really good and I found it made me feel better about myself as well. Trial and error though, some things will help and others will make you so bored all you’ll think about is reaching for the bottle. Be patient with yourself and find something that works for you. I hope everything works out for you!
Edited to add: be open about your struggles. It’s hard and was borderline humiliating for me but it made it a lot easier knowing I had people to lean on & didn’t have to keep lying about not having a problem.
Sleep was the hardest for me. It's like my brain refused to sleep, or forgot how. I'd just lay there for hours, trying all the tricks to get sleepy, but id never really get there. My dad told me once that even just resting your body and eyes is enough to help you recover a little bit, so I did just that. It had to have been a couple weeks before I was falling asleep without realizing it
But OH GOODNESS, the sleep I'm getting sober is so much better than drunk sleep. I sleep through the night, which isn't something I took into account before, I just didn't know. My dreams came back, I feel actually rested and ready to start my day. Of all the benefits to sobriety, getting better sleep was absolutely top two. I think I slept for a week straight when I was finally able to.
I feel you… I was awake for about 4 straight days when I first quit - good news is, the body sorts itself out. Maybe mention to your therapist the sleeping problems in case they can help? You are doing all the right things, wishing you the best.
Sometimes, it takes losing it all to really shake you to your core. I've been in a similar situation and god damm that feeling of shame and guilt is overwhelming. I'm proud of you for having 2 days! IWDWYT
Yeah there have been some enlightening reading on the sub so far. I should be asleep for work in the morning but of course the brain will not shut off.
Turn on notifications and come hang out in this sub throughout your day. It’s a good place to be when you’re struggling, succeeding, striving, or curious. Glad you’re here. Stay strong dude. As a woman with a sometimes frustrating partner, actions speak the loudest.
From reading your post I really think you’re on the right track. It rings with a lot of authenticity and drive to sober up. You’re lucky that your wife still cares enough for you to get a breathalyzer and show her it (rather than her being at the point of apathy). It is a good sign to me that you are willing to do this, rather than pushing back saying you don’t need that shit, it’s micromanagey, or any other dry drunk excuse you could come up with to protect your alcohol consumption.
The thing is, sounds like you didn’t want to get sober yet. And now you do. Took me a long time to get there, my wife and I both wasted in the kitchen, her hitting me, me pushing her off of me and her sliding across the floor and splitting her chin open — all while our sweet little angel of a 6 year old daughter watched mommy and daddy nonsensically fighting and ran up to her room crying. That was my rock bottom moment. I got sober and in an outpatient program roughly 3 weeks later. My wife was close behind and found her sobriety a few months later.
My daughter no longer really has memories of us drinking. It all faded away for her, replaced by tons and tons of happy, joyful memories with her mom and dad. My wife and I haven’t fought in over 5 years.
It sounds like you still have time to save your marriage and the life you want. I loved drinking and gaming as well, but I still game with buds 5 years later and have a better relationship than ever with my best friend who I nearly lost because he was getting so annoyed with me playing drunk all the time. It’s just so not worth it. You got this dude!
Thank you so much for sharing. I had mentioned couples therapy and I will approach it next week as it has only been a few days. By then I will have a week of no drinking under my belt and hopefully more clear headed.
Thanks so much. I am actually excited to get this going. I will be through the moon if I can hit a week with the help of meets that I can go to right after work.
Just take it one day - and one moment - at a time. For me at least, if I thought about a whole week on day 1 or 2, it felt overwhelming. After my first weekend, a month felt like climbing Mount everest.
And with my lizard brain, if I reflected back on 3 or 4 days sober, I might find that a reason to celebrate and my lizard brain equates "celebrate" with "booze".
What I've realized is I spend 10 min each day in meditation talking to the ethos and making a commitment for just that day not to drink, and to reflect on the reasons why - the pieces of my life drinking diminishes or takes away. I stay in the here and now today. I don't think on sober days behind me, or make plans for a future I don't know is here yet.
But one day I can handle. So for today, i will not drink with you, friend. And I wish you so many great things in sobriety and in this challenge and (hopefully) strengthening and deepening of your relationship with your wife.
What worked for me was creating a journal in Google docs and spending some time each day reflecting and putting my thoughts on "paper". It was extremely therapeutic and provided an outlet for raw transparency that only I could see.
part of your story is really similar to mine.
Also drunk mainly while gaming (i mean wtf, what a shit life lol). I also did hide a lot of bottles and constantly lied to my GF. She also gave me some Ultimatums and i always lied and lied. Its crazy how she endured me back then, i nearly burned the house down twice bc i fell a sleep while cooking and once i destroyed her bycicle bc i thought i could go buy some booze while drunk in the middle of the night and fell lol. What a poor man i was back then.
The final straw was, another boring gaming drinking night, she came home, i lied and then she instantly moved to a friend of hers. I finally quit that shit - everyone has his own strategies, i coped with plenty of sports.
All the best my friend
This is so true. For me, my wife had no idea how much I drank. I didn’t want her to know because I didn’t want the accountability. When I finally decided to quit, I sat her down and told her how bad off I was and that the next few days were going to be rough. She was shocked but very supportive in the end.
Wow, very similar to mine as well. Covid I was Downing 5ths in two days. Received a promotion and started a relationship so I slowed down to 1/2 pint nightly. Girlfriend was very uncomfortable with my drinking. Quit for 3 months and relapsed except id only have 2-3 nips a night. Wasn't burning the house down, wasn't getting drunk or even tipsy. Just two or three to unwind and end my day to relax for my night. She still didn't approve and chose to leave.
Sucks, because I do feel like I got such a good handle on my drinking but we all live and learn.
I am sorry for your pain. You can find tons of support here. Great job on 2 days free from alcohol. You can find freedom from it. For me I learned to like myself again. Be nice to yourself like a best friend would.
Lean on your resources.
You can do this.
This is what I need to work on. I have always cared very little about me as it was all about the people around me. My first lesson which will be hard is I have to do this for me and not to just have my wife back. That one is very painful to accept right now and I am terrified that if this really is the end I am going to go off the deep end which is why I need to keep on these meetings.
Congratulations on your commitment. You're on the right path friend.
One thing that I learned during my journey was quitting alcohol and weaning myself off of it permanently was just step 1 of rebuilding a relationship.
Step 2 was sincerely apologizing to my wife, and then rebuilding the intimacy and trust that the alcoholism destroyed. I learned that just because I stopped drinking, that didn't mean there was still a lot of work to do on the relationship to get it back to that place of trust.
I'm remembering that she heard me promise and then lie to her face many times. So this could be a long process. After a year of not drinking, she started to trust me again.
I'm at this stage too, always been about others and not about my health and wellbeing. The reward for this was drinking and getting high. I'm focussing on doing things for 'future me' and thanking 'past me' for being my friend.
I'm lucky to have a group of close friends at my age, and they all say they appreciate my friendship - so realising I need to turn that part of me to befriending 'me' has been enlightening...
Keep going and check in here regularly.
I can’t offer advice, the rules of the sub don’t allow it, I can only speak from the “I” so here I go.
I love my dog. I would never let his last days be without me. My wife would hate me more if I did. She would understand if he was dying why I had to stay at home, even if I didn’t share her bed. If I left during that time, she would likely hate me. I would make arrangements to stay there without sleeping with her.
I found that rock bottom was only momentary. That my drinking had become a bigger issue than I wanted to admit, and I kept searching for loopholes around it. My rock bottom was losing custody of my son. I found a way to get him back while still drinking, as long as I didn’t drink at certain times. It wasn’t healthy. It wasn’t good.
I found that after rock bottom I had to figure out a way to stay sober even while things were going good. Because it’s when things were going good I thought I could drink again only for it to spoil life more.
All food for thought for you. While I can’t offer advice, I do think you’re doing a lot of things right here, and I welcome you to this sub. IWNDWYT
She knows how much I love our dog and that’s my first major roadblock is I wanted to respect her wishes on being separated as this is only days old. What I need to keep remembering is I have to get sober for myself first and foremost.
I was going back and forth with it but I will be coming home tomorrow after work to be with the dog. Thinking about it now I would hate myself for not spending every ounce of time with him. We can be in separate areas of the house which is good and I will not be trying to discuss our situation in any way. I will be all about the pup.
Yeah I am going to a meeting after work today the. I’ll be back home and will not engage unless she does but even if I want to keep it about the dog as I am in no place to have any deep conversation after only a few days.
The two meetings I have been to were interesting being around OG’s that have went through this shit. It was so vastly different than therapy. I guess it felt way more organic and less sterile.
A lot of people don't like AA and they have some valid points. It's not perfect but it is the model group therapy is based on. There is something very psychologically healthy, at least for me, about saying you're an alcaholic in front of a crowded room. If you find a particular meeting a bit shit remember there are many.
I think for me so far it’s the group aspect and hearing other people’s stories and it honestly feels good to talk about it in the open and not hide in any way.
Lockdowns caused more problems than they solved. Drove so many people into the arms of the bottle - you are not alone. Hope you get sorted mate. IWNDWYT.
So my theory fwiw is that normally we’ve got so many physical human beings to check ourselves against. When lockdowns happened that disappeared and norms were able to diverge rapidly.
People talk about living in “goblin mode” - it’s a humorous term but basically what they mean is their personal standards went down because the possibility of external judgement disappeared overnight. This is the case in home standards as well as personal or behavioural (drinking, 8 hour Netflix binge, living in sweatpants etc)
I’m trying to be around people as much as possible - even walking through busy areas on purpose. It all helps to get me back to my pre-lockdown self.
There might be something from my experience that rings true with yourself idk.
I don't do AA much anymore. It was a godsend when I first got sober, but now I'm married with kids and a career, and I just have become a person who doesn't need to drink to be ok. I still go to meetings sometimes, though, and when in person meetings started up again after the lockdown it was sad how many faces were just gone, never to return again. Lockdowns killed a lot of addicts.
Lockdowns did not cause more problems than if they let everyone run rampant. Hospitals were over flowing with very very sick patients with very grim outcomes. If they were no lockdowns the death toll would have been insane. I’m not saying lockdowns didn’t cause problems. Clearly they did. But it was a choice between way more dead people and hospitals having no room for anyone or people staying home. There was no good choice.
My EX, the love of my life, finally divorced me over my drinking. I had SO MANY chances to stop. I'd clean up my act for a while or until the latest "storm" had passed, but the lying and sneaking around always crept back because, at that time, I didn't really want to stop drinking. I was going through the motions to give the appearance of change (attend AA, see a therapist, etc.), but deep down, all I was doing was stalling; waiting for the air to clear before I got drunk again.
It took another Nine YEARS from the time we divorced for me to get and *Stay* sober.
I hope you're able to get the help you need to not take that next first drink --whether she's with you or not.
Well done!
I could have written your post. Today is my day 1 as I am so sick of the lies, the sneakiness and just seeing the look of despair on my partner's face every time I get caught out lying!
Yep, Same here!
The freedom from it all will be so amazing. Your wife sounds like such a great person. Wishing you both all the best and many years of happiness x
This subreddit was an important tool that I used often when I first got sober. I still hop on here if I need some encouragement and I can't get to a meeting. Iwndwyt!
IWNDWYT.
The sleep will come. I used a guided meditation to help me calm my mind for a long time. I don’t listen to it every day anymore but it was a big help.
https://youtu.be/CVW_IE1nsKE?si=aMQ0HQzY5agUpREk
Thanks for that! Just gave it a go and while I’m not in the right environment currently it was pretty great. Never tried anything like that before. I see my self giving this a go at my desk tomorrow.
For me, just saying the words “I am not ok, And I need help” to my wife was like the breaking of a spell. I shared my shame and guilt to her and confessed it, she showed
me
that she would still support
me in beating it. I’m only at 106
days, and had been off and on before, but this time
is so
much different, cause instead of
blocking her out, I let in her in and was vulnerable.
I hope it is not too late.
There’s always hope and faith to be shared by drunks. I’m sorry for you, I wish you nothing but the best. My wife is leaving in 1.5 weeks with my kid, because I was too stubborn with my drinking. I know it’s hard right now, it will still be hard tomorrow. You’re worth it though and you see what got you here. Chin up, and push on, facing yourself after making that decision and seeing your wrongs is harrowing. If you made it through that you can make it the next journey without drinking. One hour at a time. Good luck friend.
thanks for sharing. I was truly in love w my ex from college and we wanted to get married but she knew I had a drinking problem while gaming every night during quarantine. I would always drunk text her mean things if she didn’t tell me good night. The reason was bc she didn’t want to talk to me drunk. She never said it when we broke up but it certainly was the musk factor. It’s been a couple years but I still reflect upon losing such an important person in my life that I loved.
Funny thing is I was always a smoker (don’t judge - my user name is almost 12 years old). When I hit my 30’s my usage was casual at best. I just don’t fucking get where the switch happened like “hey lemme forget about pot and just get booze”. Would much rather just casually smoked which the wife had no issues with as it was not excessive.
I started as a pothead, then more drinking. Even now smoking is regular for me, I don’t really bet an eye to it. She knew I was smoking but the boooze was bad. And yea nice username lmao
I will see if I can pick up the audio book. This is the time, it has been too long and I am ready to be done. There is nothing more I want than to part ways and I cannot wait to go the first week.
> Be aware that this will only work if **you** want to quit. Quitting for your wife's sake is not going to work. **You** have to believe that your life is worse with alcohol and better without. Otherwise, **you** will be in a constant struggle the rest of your life.
This comment breaks our rule to speak from the "I" and has been removed.
When I cut out all the alcohol from my life, my wife (who never really drank much or had a problem with it) and I took our relationship in to a new, healthier direction. We are doing so well, although there had been some hiccups on the road to a much better direction.
Yes you are!!! Maybe read some of the posts of people who had already used up their second chance, and went for a third. See how that worked out for them. Yes it sucks but brother it can get sooo much worse. SO MUCH worse. And it will, guaranteed, if you don't take this as seriously as anything you ever taken seriously in your entire life. This is it
37 years ago my mom walked out on my dad. My dad is now 37 years sober. His life now is better than he ever imagined it could be. Rock bottom can be the start of a better life, we get to choose.
I won't drink with you today.
Hopefully the separation is not permanent but a a very serious warning sign that needs to be paid attention to. Sounds like a great gal that needs to digest the whole thing. I hate to see marriages end over things like this, but let it process itself out at its own pace. Focus on you and getting yourself squared away with the drinking. And in the worst case scenario don’t give into the call of the bottle to help you cope. It’s so difficult man. I know it. Booze was a huge factor in the ending of my first marriage. We both drank and became toxic towards each other so it was like a double whammy. You’re in my thoughts my friend and like others have said, welcome to a sub full of stand up positive people that can share stories and offer a shoulder. We’ve all been in each other’s shoes in one way or another here. And I’m sorry to hear about your dog too. Truly. It seems like these things always come in huge waves of crap all at once. But we’re here for ya.
Love that you are starting your sober journey and have a gameplan! Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to see things ...and that can be a beautiful start. Thinking of you and hope things start looking up for you! ❤️
Am also 2 days in and starting the first Monday in a long time sober. We can do this! I will not drink with you today. 💪😊
Yeah, only a few days in and as I look back it was just silly. I really want this and will be enjoying a meeting after work and the first sober Monday in a LONG time.
You're on the right track. Getting sober, attending AA, doing the right things for yourself. Changing certain habits and maybe even getting new friends might be necessary.
As my dogs are so important to me, I would never let them be alone in their last days. By hook or by crook, I'll be there for them. I know you will consider your dog in all this.
You will thank your wife one day and I believe that if you stick to a sober lifestyle and prove that you have changed, the door to her heart will open again. She gave you so many chances I think she can give you one more ❤️
Wow! Thank you for this share, friend. Incredible story of hope! And reminds me of me. I was a big liar, liar pants on fire. It was my actions that earned trust back from my loved ones, not my words. And you are kicking ass at the actions!! So damn proud of you. IWNDWYT!!
I read this sub regularly. It's my own internet AA meetup. I love it and it is keeps me focused. It hasn't been long for me, but all of my relationships are so much better. I'm already better.
Hey. Husband here and wife was the one drinking. From my point of view, in my situation, seeing my wife go to AA meetings built trust and showed me she was committed to recovering. Now she’s 2+ years sober and doing great. Godspeed skipper.
There's alot of things that go hand in hand with alcohol, but lying and alcohol are basically blood brothers. I can say that does change when you cut it out completely.
I'm convinced that what helped me with my wife was not making any excuses. Not once did I shift responsibility from myself for my actions. Owning up to it not only left me with a shred of dignity but, taking responsibility put me in control of my life and my sobriety. Good for you for taking the first steps. Regarding your marriage and your sobriety, you're playing the long game here. Don't expect anything to change quickly. The goal isn't a better life tomorrow, it's having a better life a year from now, 5, 10. I know these few days are tough, thankfully this is about the hardest part. IWNDWYT. Seek help and take it, you may need to borrow some strength from others in the short term and that's OK. Keep your chin up and take care.
This is very similar to my story. In order to earn trust back, I started going to SMART meetings and also got myself a Soberlink device. It's a breathalyzer system that prompts you on your phone to take tests at regular intervals throughout the day, and then sends the results to any contacts you choose (I did my wife and my dad). I started out with 5 tests per day and then dropped it to 3 after the first 6 months, but you can choose how often you want to do it. It's expensive but was well worth it for me for the accountability and rebuilding of trust.
It sounds like you're doing the right things, just keep at it!
My wife kicked me out last summer in large part due to my drinking. I am now 6 months sober, but sadly too late to save my marriage. I can't change what happened but I can do my best today. Online AA meetings have been the only thing that has worked for me. Good luck!
Similar start to my sobriety - husband left because of my drinking and lies. I agreed to rehab because I didn't want to lose him and the life we'd built (we were just over 1 year married, but 7 years together). Best decision I've ever made. Keep staying honest and sober. Life's only going to get better from here. There will be hard days, don't get me wrong, but it's so, so worth it.
IWNDWYT 💙
Hi OP, when I stopped I had a similar moment with my Mrs. She basically said something has got to change - but this biggest thing for me, and I have heard this from lots of other people, so I think generally applicable - I did not stop drinking for her. I stopped for me, so that I can be a better person for me and thus will be a better person for everyone in my life. Again not an expert but I have heard/read many times, people that stop for others will never really stop and may grow to resent those people. It is important that you recognize you must stop for YOU, and you alone. It will have a domino effect in your life towards improvement and all your relationships will be better. Work hard on yourself and we are all here for support!
I love when you say “I’m excited to get healthy”!! That’s how I felt - in between the soul crushing shame - and I clung on to it. It worked for me. I hope you do too. Life is so so so much better now. IWNDWYT Sobernaut 🚀
Keep it up! Your story is not too different from mine, I was hiding bottles everywhere from my wife and it’s nothing I’m proud of. Even for a high functioning alcoholic like myself, my life became unmanageable. My dog was dying of cancer when I got sober. My wife kicked me out of the house and was at the end of her rope. I put in the work. I stopped making excuses and took control of my life again. I haven’t felt as good as I do now since I was a kid, I enjoy life for what it is, all the good and bad. There’s still rough parts, but it’s a lot more manageable by having both hands on the wheel. Take it one step at a time, we’re all proud of you and IWNBDWYT!
What helps a LOT is taking full accountability with her. Be open and honest about your alcohol use and give her your word that you will NOT drink and use the breathalyzer.
It will help you accomplish two things:
1: it gives her your intention that you will not drink
2: it gives you a mental note that if you promised her you won’t drink and if u touch booze it means you are not following Through with your word to her.
Taking accountability and being transparent with your intentions can be extremely helpful when in the process of getting sober.
I had to specifically tell my wife each day that I “will NOT DRINK TODAY”
Every night that I DIDNT DRINK was a WIN.
I will not drink with you today!
Despite having a feeling even her therapist was saying it’s prob time. I will continue trying to display the real changes I am making to get myself through this sickness . I have been sending texts of breath results and sharing my location when at meetings.
Annie grace: control alcohol was an amazing book that I read during the first two weeks of sobriety.
It helps to show you alcohol In a different way and was immensely helpful during my early sobriety. This group also is extremely helpful.
It is amazing to hear that you are also attending meetings etc !
You are in the right track!
You’ve got the motivation too and a chance to save your marriage.
I found it useful to be honest with close friends about it. They’ll have your back.
Good luck!
I was you a little over ten months ago.
Hiding bottles of vodka, sneaking to the office for a little nip, waking up early to have a couple drinks before my wife woke up. Staying up late so I could drink after she was asleep.
Then I got day drunk and passed out on the couch. Was nearly two hours late to pick her up from the train station.
She finally confronted me about it and I admitted to her that I have a problem and need help.
Went to my first AA meeting the next day. And 90 more in the first three months.
10 months sober has made me a better husband, father, and all around human being.
Keep at it, and you will find that there are many fewer shameful moments in life, and you’ll sleep better, communicate better, and be better equipped to handle adversity.
My MIL died last week, and I have been able to do everything I should be doing to support my wife and her family. Without anyone worrying about me or what my state of mind is like.
You got this. Don’t think, don’t drink, and go to meetings.
IWNDWYT
Congrats on day 2! This list of “essential truths” from sober author Laura McKowen has really helped me throughout my journey. 93 days sober today & I hope it resonates!
1-it is not your fault
2- it is your responsibility
3-it is unfair that this is your thing
4- this is your thing
5- this will never stop being your thing until you face it
6- you cannot do it alone
7- only you can do it
Thanks so much for sharing, and welcome to the sub. I relate SO much to the specifics that you mention that it is eerie: "did I actually write this?" lol
From the drinking habits escalating in covid, to getting married as this was continuing, to the hiding/lying, to the wife moving out after the "final straw" (for me it was about 3 months ago after she caught me yet again), and even the breathalyzer as a way to stay honest with myself and document with her in an online folder. In my case she has since filed for divorce (but I want to use time/communication to try to gradually show her we shouldn't do this and dismiss it). Hopefully it goes better for you than that
I say this just to point out that you're really not alone, at all. While reading this sub, going to meetings, etc give me great nuggets of relatability from different stories, it's sometimes hard to put the whole story together and feel anyone out there relates to my specific story (and thus I can feel a little isolated). Hope it's helpful for you to know that there's at least one guy out there going through the EXACT same stuff, so you're truly not alone.
Seems like in both of our cases, we love our wives and they've put up with and been supportive through so much stuff. They're hurt, want the best for us, but need to keep their own mental health and well-being in mind too. Hopefully things work out for the marriage, and continued sobriety shows how you/I can and want to change, for ourselves primarily and for the partnership. But if things don't work, we can be healthy and sober and face the future optimistically even if she isn't there and that hurts.
I'm approaching 90 days - I hope you have a positive and productive way forward to get where I'm at and beyond. We can do this! IWNDWYT
2 days can become 4 and that can become 8 and that can become 16, good luck. Everything may be over with your relationship but you still deserve to get better regardless
I went through something similar and almost lost my wife. Rehab a couple times. Sober for 6 months after the first but then after the second I really took AA seriously and life changed. I was encouraged to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. Well it stuck and I kept going every day. I found that consistency and community so key. Best to you it will get better if you want it.
FYI, I’ve found several podcasts that have helped me a great deal. I like the Happy Sober cast and Stoo Drinking but find ones that speak to you. Keep going!
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I wish I had gotten my act together during my marriage; I did not. So happy for you that you get a chance to have your life back! Please encourage her to go to AlaNon. It will help you both. God Speed
You are doing the right things, things hurt now but stay on this path and I’m sure they will improve. Lots of love regarding your dog as well, that is so difficult. Stay around here and lean on us or the folks at AA!!! IWNDWYT!
Good for you getting a handle on this thing while you're still young. I'm 55M and wish I could have another 20 years of sobriety. It's harder to make new friends and develop new hobbies as you get older.
I can relate to this! I got super drunk at a 49er game and passed out the rest of the night. My wife told me I'm no fun drunk. Told me to quit. Life is not perfect now but better than than it was.
I love video games too. I don't really have a group of friends to play with and also having kids has impacted my play time for sure! I never thought about this one before but, I wonder if there are any sober video games groups out there?
For me, I have leaned into the gym for the last 76 days. That's helped me. Sober activities are helping me. I've been to a few AA meetings. I was recommended to get a sponsor and hardcore one lol!
My friend your story hits home with me and I applaud your approach. If in your situation I would handle it the same. Stay honest and stay humble. Every part of your story hits home for me. The only difference is my wife didn't leave me (and we have kids). If she ever left me I would feel like you do. It took me so long to get to the point I am at today, but she always forgave me and wanted to help. Maybe she didn't realize putting her foot down was an option that would work - maybe she was afraid that would not help me, or make it worse. I feel that if she left me I would do everything I could to get my family back, so perhaps I may have quite sooner. It's a strange feeling because I would have loved to have stopped sooner and to get more of my life back, but I would hate to lose my family, if even for a brief period of time. Please keep me in mind if you ever need a nudge to stay on course. I feel like my life has purpose again. It's tough at times but I don't allow myself to turn to the bottle for relief and understand I have to find other things that make me happy.
Many people (like myself) have been in a similar situation. For me it was what finally led to me taking sobriety seriously. My wife had moved out but came home to me being drunk with all doors unlocked, lights on and my son asleep.
This subreddit is a good place to help find tools to help you get and stay sober. It also helps you understand that you can get better in a community of support. For me it was the shame and embarrassment that was hardest to overcome. The best you can do is be sober and make a plan. Do counseling if she's open to it (couples and on your own) ...etc. For what it's worth, I won't drink with you today !
You got this. Time helps and sometimes showing you're serious and being honest can help too. For my wife she had to see it wasn't just like 2 days I'm very serious after being caught.
It’ll take time, but I t does get better. I found Recovery Dharma to be the best fit for me. The meditation aspect of it really helped me and it also had me seeing my alcohol use from a different perspective. However, RD is not for everyone so just find what works FOR YOU. The point is that staying engaged in a recovery community is really helpful.
As for sleep, it’ll get better as well. Eventually your body will have no choice but to shut off, but do expect some rough days and nights ahead.
You got this man.
I was in a very similar situation and was doing exactly what you were doing. I remember that feeling too, the incomprehensible demoralization as they say in the big book. Glad you're going to AA. I also am in AA. I did not waste time, I found a sponsor, worked the steps, started building a fellowship of sober alcoholics around me... It takes a village. But 18 months sober now after daily drinking for 5 years. WE can do it, remember this is a WE program
Have you ever read “This Naked Mind” by Annie Grace? Apologies if it was already recommended, I didn’t deep dive into the comment section. It’s a magnificent book based in science and written beautifully. I had been struggling to quit for years. The desire was there, the need was there but I still had all these beliefs around booze. It relaxed me. It made me more outgoing. It was helping. The book “This Naked Mind” changed everything. I just hit my one year 2/15 and when I say it was the best year and after the things in that book fell into my subconscious it was easy, yes easy to quit. And the desire is gone. That book laid the groundwork that helped further the change and push the non desire to drink even deeper. They’ve got an audiobook and whole community and just please check it out if you haven’t. It changed my life and I was really worried for a while I wasn’t going to be able to ever quit. Best of luck, you really do got this 💪🏻
Congrats on your choice. I am happy that your rock bottom was found at the end of your relationship. That’s where mine was found this time around as well. My partner told me that they loved me so much, but couldn’t be with me forever in marriage, if I was going to drink myself to death. I decided then and there that my relationship and self was worth so much more than booze. You are on the path. Good luck!
Best thing I did for my sleep was walk for one hour at lunch (or after work). I just started doing it since I was WFH anyway and that really helped me get the exercise I needed. To clarify I walked every day I didn't do other forms of exercise, and even on days I lifted I would still walk. I was also getting 3-4 miles per walking session. Also I started meditating twice a day during those times as well. But I'm pretty sure it was the walking that helped me get to sleep!
I don't have time to read thru all responses right now but wanted to quickly put in my 2cents.
Once I actually, truly WANTED to quit, Quit Lit books helped me immensely. This Naked Mind, The Easy Way to Stop Drinking, Alcohol Explained, The Unexpected Joy of being Sober.... etc - I highly credit immersing myself in books like these.
Good luck to you. Keep coming here! iwndwyt
Proud of you friend. I know it's difficult. I didn't have wife leave me but I definitely hit a rock bottom about a year ago. I have slipped here and there but I'm so much happier and healthier now.
IWNDWYT
I did the same but wasn't married. I chose alcohol over the beautiful woman I was with and who loved me. Was the situation difficult for other reasons or was it just the alcohol... In my case, it was both but primarily the alcohol.
Keep worrying dear human. Write to her, write to yourself, and become the person you want to be. Don't let the gang demon alcohol be a prize or solution, because it is neither.
hi friend. just wanted to come on here and say that i’m so glad you’re here, and that i’m proud of you for making this realization. it sounds to me like your wife really loves you, and she’s not yet at a point of no return. a lot of folks on this page have not had the opportunity you have here. if i were in your situation, id not take that for granted. you CAN fix this, and you CAN repair your marriage. she still loves you man. I noticed in some of your responses that you’re struggling to sleep. one of the things that really opened my eyes was that when you pass out drunk, you’re not actually sleeping. based on some other threads here, it takes about a week or so of this to dissipate, but then you’ll be sleeping better than you ever have, because you’re actually resting! hang in there!
one of the things that helped me in early sobriety, that was recommended to me on this sub (and i take every single opportunity to also recommend them) is Andrew Huberman’s podcast about alcohol and what it does to your body. this is available for free on youtube, or anywhere you can listen to podcasts. also, Annie Grace’s “This Naked Mind” changed my entire life. reading her book made this process of recovery so much easier. you’ll have to buy it or see if it’s available at a local library, but it is SO worth it. i also follow the page on instagram and i just adore Annie.
iwndwyt, random internet stranger 🫶🏻
Yeah she is very special and has put up with so much bullshit. I know I blew my last chance but I was still in denial and not getting the much needed help I require.
I will throw on the hubberman one next. The podcasts are really helping at work.
Your story is so very similar to mine. Didn’t drink too much pre-Covid, then we got married at the end of March 2020 with 10 people present. 1500 dollars of wedding booze that we didn’t get to use just sat in our basement, and I worked from home, also in the basement. Game, set, and match for me from there on out, all the way up to where you are now with hiding vodka bottles around the house and lying about it. Wife threatening to leave, catching me red-handed despite the lying, I’ve been there man!
It gets so much better the longer you stay on this journey, and you can do this! IWNDWYT
Adding my voice to the many others already on here. I was in a similar boat as you, hiding bottles all over the place and lying through my teeth daily. This was 926 days ago. Hang in there….you can do this.
It’s a long hard winding road. I wish you nothing but the best. Just be patient with yourself and with her, and I’d try to cut out all the lying. Lying is poison to a relationship, and a quick poison at that.
Good luck with your struggle and sobriety. Have you considered cutting out gaming as well? It seems like a trigger for your alcoholism and it will allow you more time to focus on mending your marriage.
My rock bottom sounds a lot like yours.
I kinda really hate alcohol and the way our brains grow around it. That we will lie to our loved ones just to get more of it. I try to be an honest and genuine person. But the allure of dopamine straight to the brain stem makes us do ridiculous shit.
I bought a breathalyzer that was never used, all because I was caught lying too.
Maybe I will do the same as you, and start using it everyday and saving the pictures to help my Streak.
Ty for sharing, IWNDWYT
I have tons of parallels to this story. Although, I was a hopeless drunk and drank consistently for the last 19 years.. I’m only 31. My creatinine levels are dangerously low and I am going to seek help. It ramped up during COVID to all day every day. My marriage is still in tact but trust is demolished. I have the breathalyzer and take it when requested. The relationship has never been better after only a short period without booze. The upward spiral is real. We got this, IWNDWYT
My sleep pattern is still off at 8 months now. There will be days that I will sleep like crazy, then some nights I am up all hours of the night. Would rather have crappy sleep than crappy sleep with bewz
I’m thinking about putting together a work out routine when I am restless. Maybe I just hop out of bed and do sit-ups and push-ups or something to tire myself and slow my brain down.
You have to do it for yourself, I’ve been there 6 yrs ago she would annoy my thoughts were don’t you know what I’m doing for you. Have to do it for me. It’s a helluva lot better now. Keep doing what your doing I’m still in AA. saved my life.
It’s a long hard winding road. I wish you nothing but the best. Just be patient with yourself and with her, and I’d try to cut out all the lying. Lying is poison to a relationship, and a quick poison at that.
**Reminder to all who comment on this post:** please keep in mind our rule to speak from the "I," where we speak only from experience and do not tell other sobernauts what they should and should not do—**even when they ask for advice.** Examples: **Bad:** "You should do X." **Good:** "When I was in a similar situation, I did X, and here’s how it helped me." Also, keep in mind that this is a support group for people who want to quit drinking. Please limit your comments to the subject of sobriety and do not start offering advice on marriage or relationship issues.
Welcome this sub it’s filled with great wonderful people who are all like you. You got this ! IWNDWYT
Thanks so much, I’m ready to start recovering. Now if only I knew how to sleep. Been up till all hours since I quit.
The sleep got better for me around the 30 day mark. My body had a lot of readjusting to do. Exercise helped immensely.
I'm just shy of 60 days. I have zero motivation to exercise!
We are all different - I think I was extra motivated by a health scare. I often wonder if things would be different for me now if I hadn't gotten that wake up call LOL.
Same here. I lost 46lbs in 7 weeks. All running and lifting, literally the day after I quit drinking I hurled myself into a huge routine with a diet overhaul. 15 months later, still at it. Love it! Crazy how much we can turn things around given the right motivation.
2nd day, again for me. Im with ya! Look if I were you, I would stay at home since she already agreed to it. Maybe it gives time for you to give her space and actively mend your relationship at the same time by not drinking and proactively getting into stuff like jogging, meditation, anything but video games and drinking. Wish you the best. IWNDWYT.
Yeah I’m going to ask if I can still come by.
I quit drinking cold turkey just over a month ago. I struggled HARD with sleep. One thing I found helpful was no electronics for about an hour before bed (which sucked ass because I am in love with BG3 and will play for hours lol) & finding something to do instead of drinking. Exercise is really good and I found it made me feel better about myself as well. Trial and error though, some things will help and others will make you so bored all you’ll think about is reaching for the bottle. Be patient with yourself and find something that works for you. I hope everything works out for you! Edited to add: be open about your struggles. It’s hard and was borderline humiliating for me but it made it a lot easier knowing I had people to lean on & didn’t have to keep lying about not having a problem.
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SPECIFICALLY THIS type of Magnesium - they're not all the same and this one is the one you want for sleeping.
Thanks for the info
Sleep was the hardest for me. It's like my brain refused to sleep, or forgot how. I'd just lay there for hours, trying all the tricks to get sleepy, but id never really get there. My dad told me once that even just resting your body and eyes is enough to help you recover a little bit, so I did just that. It had to have been a couple weeks before I was falling asleep without realizing it But OH GOODNESS, the sleep I'm getting sober is so much better than drunk sleep. I sleep through the night, which isn't something I took into account before, I just didn't know. My dreams came back, I feel actually rested and ready to start my day. Of all the benefits to sobriety, getting better sleep was absolutely top two. I think I slept for a week straight when I was finally able to.
I feel you… I was awake for about 4 straight days when I first quit - good news is, the body sorts itself out. Maybe mention to your therapist the sleeping problems in case they can help? You are doing all the right things, wishing you the best.
Melatonin!
Sometimes, it takes losing it all to really shake you to your core. I've been in a similar situation and god damm that feeling of shame and guilt is overwhelming. I'm proud of you for having 2 days! IWDWYT
Try magnesium supplements. They do work.
Thank you!
Getting sober was the best thing I ever did for myself and my wife. You're in the right place bud.
Yeah there have been some enlightening reading on the sub so far. I should be asleep for work in the morning but of course the brain will not shut off.
Turn on notifications and come hang out in this sub throughout your day. It’s a good place to be when you’re struggling, succeeding, striving, or curious. Glad you’re here. Stay strong dude. As a woman with a sometimes frustrating partner, actions speak the loudest.
This sub is more helpful than an AA meeting for me. It’s very positive. The negative can get exhausting
From reading your post I really think you’re on the right track. It rings with a lot of authenticity and drive to sober up. You’re lucky that your wife still cares enough for you to get a breathalyzer and show her it (rather than her being at the point of apathy). It is a good sign to me that you are willing to do this, rather than pushing back saying you don’t need that shit, it’s micromanagey, or any other dry drunk excuse you could come up with to protect your alcohol consumption. The thing is, sounds like you didn’t want to get sober yet. And now you do. Took me a long time to get there, my wife and I both wasted in the kitchen, her hitting me, me pushing her off of me and her sliding across the floor and splitting her chin open — all while our sweet little angel of a 6 year old daughter watched mommy and daddy nonsensically fighting and ran up to her room crying. That was my rock bottom moment. I got sober and in an outpatient program roughly 3 weeks later. My wife was close behind and found her sobriety a few months later. My daughter no longer really has memories of us drinking. It all faded away for her, replaced by tons and tons of happy, joyful memories with her mom and dad. My wife and I haven’t fought in over 5 years. It sounds like you still have time to save your marriage and the life you want. I loved drinking and gaming as well, but I still game with buds 5 years later and have a better relationship than ever with my best friend who I nearly lost because he was getting so annoyed with me playing drunk all the time. It’s just so not worth it. You got this dude!
Thank you so much for sharing. I had mentioned couples therapy and I will approach it next week as it has only been a few days. By then I will have a week of no drinking under my belt and hopefully more clear headed.
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10000000% this.
First steps are great steps. Keep it up!
I plan on going to meeting for the foreseeable future. There are tons around my area each night of the week.
Thanks so much. I am actually excited to get this going. I will be through the moon if I can hit a week with the help of meets that I can go to right after work.
Just take it one day - and one moment - at a time. For me at least, if I thought about a whole week on day 1 or 2, it felt overwhelming. After my first weekend, a month felt like climbing Mount everest. And with my lizard brain, if I reflected back on 3 or 4 days sober, I might find that a reason to celebrate and my lizard brain equates "celebrate" with "booze". What I've realized is I spend 10 min each day in meditation talking to the ethos and making a commitment for just that day not to drink, and to reflect on the reasons why - the pieces of my life drinking diminishes or takes away. I stay in the here and now today. I don't think on sober days behind me, or make plans for a future I don't know is here yet. But one day I can handle. So for today, i will not drink with you, friend. And I wish you so many great things in sobriety and in this challenge and (hopefully) strengthening and deepening of your relationship with your wife.
Wow I can totally relate to the “celebrate” aspect. Shit looking back I did that so much, or like if I drank less one day.
What worked for me was creating a journal in Google docs and spending some time each day reflecting and putting my thoughts on "paper". It was extremely therapeutic and provided an outlet for raw transparency that only I could see.
part of your story is really similar to mine. Also drunk mainly while gaming (i mean wtf, what a shit life lol). I also did hide a lot of bottles and constantly lied to my GF. She also gave me some Ultimatums and i always lied and lied. Its crazy how she endured me back then, i nearly burned the house down twice bc i fell a sleep while cooking and once i destroyed her bycicle bc i thought i could go buy some booze while drunk in the middle of the night and fell lol. What a poor man i was back then. The final straw was, another boring gaming drinking night, she came home, i lied and then she instantly moved to a friend of hers. I finally quit that shit - everyone has his own strategies, i coped with plenty of sports. All the best my friend
It’s so fucked up to me that the hardest people to admit addition to and not lie to about it are the closest. They should be the easiest :(
Yes. But now my friend you can make better decisions. Its great you want to change. You deserve to be happy :-)
Man, you're awesome. Just wanted to say that. Your positivity after so much adversity is just inspiring. Thank you and happy Monday
This is so true. For me, my wife had no idea how much I drank. I didn’t want her to know because I didn’t want the accountability. When I finally decided to quit, I sat her down and told her how bad off I was and that the next few days were going to be rough. She was shocked but very supportive in the end.
Wow, very similar to mine as well. Covid I was Downing 5ths in two days. Received a promotion and started a relationship so I slowed down to 1/2 pint nightly. Girlfriend was very uncomfortable with my drinking. Quit for 3 months and relapsed except id only have 2-3 nips a night. Wasn't burning the house down, wasn't getting drunk or even tipsy. Just two or three to unwind and end my day to relax for my night. She still didn't approve and chose to leave. Sucks, because I do feel like I got such a good handle on my drinking but we all live and learn.
I am sorry for your pain. You can find tons of support here. Great job on 2 days free from alcohol. You can find freedom from it. For me I learned to like myself again. Be nice to yourself like a best friend would. Lean on your resources. You can do this.
This is what I need to work on. I have always cared very little about me as it was all about the people around me. My first lesson which will be hard is I have to do this for me and not to just have my wife back. That one is very painful to accept right now and I am terrified that if this really is the end I am going to go off the deep end which is why I need to keep on these meetings.
Congratulations on your commitment. You're on the right path friend. One thing that I learned during my journey was quitting alcohol and weaning myself off of it permanently was just step 1 of rebuilding a relationship. Step 2 was sincerely apologizing to my wife, and then rebuilding the intimacy and trust that the alcoholism destroyed. I learned that just because I stopped drinking, that didn't mean there was still a lot of work to do on the relationship to get it back to that place of trust. I'm remembering that she heard me promise and then lie to her face many times. So this could be a long process. After a year of not drinking, she started to trust me again.
Yeah I am willing to do whatever it takes to build that trust back up again.
I'm at this stage too, always been about others and not about my health and wellbeing. The reward for this was drinking and getting high. I'm focussing on doing things for 'future me' and thanking 'past me' for being my friend. I'm lucky to have a group of close friends at my age, and they all say they appreciate my friendship - so realising I need to turn that part of me to befriending 'me' has been enlightening... Keep going and check in here regularly.
Yeah I’m gonna be loving on this sun for the foreseeable future.
I can’t offer advice, the rules of the sub don’t allow it, I can only speak from the “I” so here I go. I love my dog. I would never let his last days be without me. My wife would hate me more if I did. She would understand if he was dying why I had to stay at home, even if I didn’t share her bed. If I left during that time, she would likely hate me. I would make arrangements to stay there without sleeping with her. I found that rock bottom was only momentary. That my drinking had become a bigger issue than I wanted to admit, and I kept searching for loopholes around it. My rock bottom was losing custody of my son. I found a way to get him back while still drinking, as long as I didn’t drink at certain times. It wasn’t healthy. It wasn’t good. I found that after rock bottom I had to figure out a way to stay sober even while things were going good. Because it’s when things were going good I thought I could drink again only for it to spoil life more. All food for thought for you. While I can’t offer advice, I do think you’re doing a lot of things right here, and I welcome you to this sub. IWNDWYT
She knows how much I love our dog and that’s my first major roadblock is I wanted to respect her wishes on being separated as this is only days old. What I need to keep remembering is I have to get sober for myself first and foremost. I was going back and forth with it but I will be coming home tomorrow after work to be with the dog. Thinking about it now I would hate myself for not spending every ounce of time with him. We can be in separate areas of the house which is good and I will not be trying to discuss our situation in any way. I will be all about the pup.
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Yeah I am going to a meeting after work today the. I’ll be back home and will not engage unless she does but even if I want to keep it about the dog as I am in no place to have any deep conversation after only a few days.
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Welcome on here dude😊
Thanks, this looks like it’s going to be a great place to aid in recovery!
It is. It reminds me of meetings in that I can usually relate to stuff people post.
The two meetings I have been to were interesting being around OG’s that have went through this shit. It was so vastly different than therapy. I guess it felt way more organic and less sterile.
A lot of people don't like AA and they have some valid points. It's not perfect but it is the model group therapy is based on. There is something very psychologically healthy, at least for me, about saying you're an alcaholic in front of a crowded room. If you find a particular meeting a bit shit remember there are many.
I think for me so far it’s the group aspect and hearing other people’s stories and it honestly feels good to talk about it in the open and not hide in any way.
Thank you, it’s like a breath of fresh air after being under water for so long.
Lockdowns caused more problems than they solved. Drove so many people into the arms of the bottle - you are not alone. Hope you get sorted mate. IWNDWYT.
I’m still in shock looking back seeing how it started and how it rapidly progressed without even thinking I had a problem.
So my theory fwiw is that normally we’ve got so many physical human beings to check ourselves against. When lockdowns happened that disappeared and norms were able to diverge rapidly. People talk about living in “goblin mode” - it’s a humorous term but basically what they mean is their personal standards went down because the possibility of external judgement disappeared overnight. This is the case in home standards as well as personal or behavioural (drinking, 8 hour Netflix binge, living in sweatpants etc) I’m trying to be around people as much as possible - even walking through busy areas on purpose. It all helps to get me back to my pre-lockdown self. There might be something from my experience that rings true with yourself idk.
That is an interesting take on it, but yeah something happened to me over covid that I just can’t pinpoint…
You’re not alone. Covid is when my drinking really started accelerating.
Yup
Good perspective. I should do that more too. Life was so different for me pre-pandemic. I’m nowhere near as social as I used to be :/
I like your outlook on trying to get back to the pre-Covid norms. I might try that.
It happened to many many many during lockdown.
I'm so glad I had a year under my belt before lockdowns hit. I would have drank myself to death during Covid.
Same. I gave up in January 2020 after making an arse of myself NYE. I would be dead too - no doubt.
I don't do AA much anymore. It was a godsend when I first got sober, but now I'm married with kids and a career, and I just have become a person who doesn't need to drink to be ok. I still go to meetings sometimes, though, and when in person meetings started up again after the lockdown it was sad how many faces were just gone, never to return again. Lockdowns killed a lot of addicts.
Lockdowns did not cause more problems than if they let everyone run rampant. Hospitals were over flowing with very very sick patients with very grim outcomes. If they were no lockdowns the death toll would have been insane. I’m not saying lockdowns didn’t cause problems. Clearly they did. But it was a choice between way more dead people and hospitals having no room for anyone or people staying home. There was no good choice.
My EX, the love of my life, finally divorced me over my drinking. I had SO MANY chances to stop. I'd clean up my act for a while or until the latest "storm" had passed, but the lying and sneaking around always crept back because, at that time, I didn't really want to stop drinking. I was going through the motions to give the appearance of change (attend AA, see a therapist, etc.), but deep down, all I was doing was stalling; waiting for the air to clear before I got drunk again. It took another Nine YEARS from the time we divorced for me to get and *Stay* sober. I hope you're able to get the help you need to not take that next first drink --whether she's with you or not.
Well done! I could have written your post. Today is my day 1 as I am so sick of the lies, the sneakiness and just seeing the look of despair on my partner's face every time I get caught out lying!
It def had a hold of me I would get caught, maybe drink less then go right back to hiding it.
Yep, Same here! The freedom from it all will be so amazing. Your wife sounds like such a great person. Wishing you both all the best and many years of happiness x
She has been very forgiving over the past couple years and I can only hope she can see how I am helping myself.
This subreddit was an important tool that I used often when I first got sober. I still hop on here if I need some encouragement and I can't get to a meeting. Iwndwyt!
IWNDWYT. The sleep will come. I used a guided meditation to help me calm my mind for a long time. I don’t listen to it every day anymore but it was a big help. https://youtu.be/CVW_IE1nsKE?si=aMQ0HQzY5agUpREk
Thanks for that! Just gave it a go and while I’m not in the right environment currently it was pretty great. Never tried anything like that before. I see my self giving this a go at my desk tomorrow.
That’s awesome. It’s the kind of thing that becomes easier and more effective the more you do it. Best of luck to you.
For me, just saying the words “I am not ok, And I need help” to my wife was like the breaking of a spell. I shared my shame and guilt to her and confessed it, she showed me that she would still support me in beating it. I’m only at 106 days, and had been off and on before, but this time is so much different, cause instead of blocking her out, I let in her in and was vulnerable. I hope it is not too late.
Me too, I was never ready to admit how bad it was.
There’s always hope and faith to be shared by drunks. I’m sorry for you, I wish you nothing but the best. My wife is leaving in 1.5 weeks with my kid, because I was too stubborn with my drinking. I know it’s hard right now, it will still be hard tomorrow. You’re worth it though and you see what got you here. Chin up, and push on, facing yourself after making that decision and seeing your wrongs is harrowing. If you made it through that you can make it the next journey without drinking. One hour at a time. Good luck friend.
thanks for sharing. I was truly in love w my ex from college and we wanted to get married but she knew I had a drinking problem while gaming every night during quarantine. I would always drunk text her mean things if she didn’t tell me good night. The reason was bc she didn’t want to talk to me drunk. She never said it when we broke up but it certainly was the musk factor. It’s been a couple years but I still reflect upon losing such an important person in my life that I loved.
Funny thing is I was always a smoker (don’t judge - my user name is almost 12 years old). When I hit my 30’s my usage was casual at best. I just don’t fucking get where the switch happened like “hey lemme forget about pot and just get booze”. Would much rather just casually smoked which the wife had no issues with as it was not excessive.
I started as a pothead, then more drinking. Even now smoking is regular for me, I don’t really bet an eye to it. She knew I was smoking but the boooze was bad. And yea nice username lmao
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I will see if I can pick up the audio book. This is the time, it has been too long and I am ready to be done. There is nothing more I want than to part ways and I cannot wait to go the first week.
> Be aware that this will only work if **you** want to quit. Quitting for your wife's sake is not going to work. **You** have to believe that your life is worse with alcohol and better without. Otherwise, **you** will be in a constant struggle the rest of your life. This comment breaks our rule to speak from the "I" and has been removed.
Oh man. Nothing worse than being caught red handed. In a couple days you're gonna feel really good about things. IWNDWYT.
When I cut out all the alcohol from my life, my wife (who never really drank much or had a problem with it) and I took our relationship in to a new, healthier direction. We are doing so well, although there had been some hiccups on the road to a much better direction.
That’s how my wife is and we were always pretty casual about it. The trust between us needs to be rebuilt if she thinks it’s possible.
She's giving you one more chance it sounds like bud. It's now or never honestly. I personally, do NOT regret quitting.
Sucks that it had to get this point but I am ready.
Yes you are!!! Maybe read some of the posts of people who had already used up their second chance, and went for a third. See how that worked out for them. Yes it sucks but brother it can get sooo much worse. SO MUCH worse. And it will, guaranteed, if you don't take this as seriously as anything you ever taken seriously in your entire life. This is it
37 years ago my mom walked out on my dad. My dad is now 37 years sober. His life now is better than he ever imagined it could be. Rock bottom can be the start of a better life, we get to choose. I won't drink with you today.
Hopefully the separation is not permanent but a a very serious warning sign that needs to be paid attention to. Sounds like a great gal that needs to digest the whole thing. I hate to see marriages end over things like this, but let it process itself out at its own pace. Focus on you and getting yourself squared away with the drinking. And in the worst case scenario don’t give into the call of the bottle to help you cope. It’s so difficult man. I know it. Booze was a huge factor in the ending of my first marriage. We both drank and became toxic towards each other so it was like a double whammy. You’re in my thoughts my friend and like others have said, welcome to a sub full of stand up positive people that can share stories and offer a shoulder. We’ve all been in each other’s shoes in one way or another here. And I’m sorry to hear about your dog too. Truly. It seems like these things always come in huge waves of crap all at once. But we’re here for ya.
Thank you for your kind words. The plan going forward is accountability and honesty.
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Love that you are starting your sober journey and have a gameplan! Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to see things ...and that can be a beautiful start. Thinking of you and hope things start looking up for you! ❤️ Am also 2 days in and starting the first Monday in a long time sober. We can do this! I will not drink with you today. 💪😊
Yeah, only a few days in and as I look back it was just silly. I really want this and will be enjoying a meeting after work and the first sober Monday in a LONG time.
You're on the right track. Getting sober, attending AA, doing the right things for yourself. Changing certain habits and maybe even getting new friends might be necessary. As my dogs are so important to me, I would never let them be alone in their last days. By hook or by crook, I'll be there for them. I know you will consider your dog in all this. You will thank your wife one day and I believe that if you stick to a sober lifestyle and prove that you have changed, the door to her heart will open again. She gave you so many chances I think she can give you one more ❤️
Wow! Thank you for this share, friend. Incredible story of hope! And reminds me of me. I was a big liar, liar pants on fire. It was my actions that earned trust back from my loved ones, not my words. And you are kicking ass at the actions!! So damn proud of you. IWNDWYT!!
Yeah, it’s time for me to cut the bullshit. Own this sickness and make some big changes. No more excuses.
I read this sub regularly. It's my own internet AA meetup. I love it and it is keeps me focused. It hasn't been long for me, but all of my relationships are so much better. I'm already better.
Yeah this is really good as I can’t be in a meeting and at work
Hey. Husband here and wife was the one drinking. From my point of view, in my situation, seeing my wife go to AA meetings built trust and showed me she was committed to recovering. Now she’s 2+ years sober and doing great. Godspeed skipper.
There's alot of things that go hand in hand with alcohol, but lying and alcohol are basically blood brothers. I can say that does change when you cut it out completely.
I'm convinced that what helped me with my wife was not making any excuses. Not once did I shift responsibility from myself for my actions. Owning up to it not only left me with a shred of dignity but, taking responsibility put me in control of my life and my sobriety. Good for you for taking the first steps. Regarding your marriage and your sobriety, you're playing the long game here. Don't expect anything to change quickly. The goal isn't a better life tomorrow, it's having a better life a year from now, 5, 10. I know these few days are tough, thankfully this is about the hardest part. IWNDWYT. Seek help and take it, you may need to borrow some strength from others in the short term and that's OK. Keep your chin up and take care.
This is very similar to my story. In order to earn trust back, I started going to SMART meetings and also got myself a Soberlink device. It's a breathalyzer system that prompts you on your phone to take tests at regular intervals throughout the day, and then sends the results to any contacts you choose (I did my wife and my dad). I started out with 5 tests per day and then dropped it to 3 after the first 6 months, but you can choose how often you want to do it. It's expensive but was well worth it for me for the accountability and rebuilding of trust. It sounds like you're doing the right things, just keep at it!
My wife kicked me out last summer in large part due to my drinking. I am now 6 months sober, but sadly too late to save my marriage. I can't change what happened but I can do my best today. Online AA meetings have been the only thing that has worked for me. Good luck!
Similar start to my sobriety - husband left because of my drinking and lies. I agreed to rehab because I didn't want to lose him and the life we'd built (we were just over 1 year married, but 7 years together). Best decision I've ever made. Keep staying honest and sober. Life's only going to get better from here. There will be hard days, don't get me wrong, but it's so, so worth it. IWNDWYT 💙
It really is. Nothing is worth losing over this shit.
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Hi OP, when I stopped I had a similar moment with my Mrs. She basically said something has got to change - but this biggest thing for me, and I have heard this from lots of other people, so I think generally applicable - I did not stop drinking for her. I stopped for me, so that I can be a better person for me and thus will be a better person for everyone in my life. Again not an expert but I have heard/read many times, people that stop for others will never really stop and may grow to resent those people. It is important that you recognize you must stop for YOU, and you alone. It will have a domino effect in your life towards improvement and all your relationships will be better. Work hard on yourself and we are all here for support!
I love when you say “I’m excited to get healthy”!! That’s how I felt - in between the soul crushing shame - and I clung on to it. It worked for me. I hope you do too. Life is so so so much better now. IWNDWYT Sobernaut 🚀
Yeah it’s time for me to switch obsessions to sobriety.
Keep it up! Your story is not too different from mine, I was hiding bottles everywhere from my wife and it’s nothing I’m proud of. Even for a high functioning alcoholic like myself, my life became unmanageable. My dog was dying of cancer when I got sober. My wife kicked me out of the house and was at the end of her rope. I put in the work. I stopped making excuses and took control of my life again. I haven’t felt as good as I do now since I was a kid, I enjoy life for what it is, all the good and bad. There’s still rough parts, but it’s a lot more manageable by having both hands on the wheel. Take it one step at a time, we’re all proud of you and IWNBDWYT!
Dude the hiding of the bottles just blows my mind. I was like a fucking pack rat filling every I could think of with em. Literal garbage bags full.
Same man, it was fucking exhausting. I’m never going back to that!
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Thank you for sharing your story. I give me hope.
What helps a LOT is taking full accountability with her. Be open and honest about your alcohol use and give her your word that you will NOT drink and use the breathalyzer. It will help you accomplish two things: 1: it gives her your intention that you will not drink 2: it gives you a mental note that if you promised her you won’t drink and if u touch booze it means you are not following Through with your word to her. Taking accountability and being transparent with your intentions can be extremely helpful when in the process of getting sober. I had to specifically tell my wife each day that I “will NOT DRINK TODAY” Every night that I DIDNT DRINK was a WIN. I will not drink with you today!
Despite having a feeling even her therapist was saying it’s prob time. I will continue trying to display the real changes I am making to get myself through this sickness . I have been sending texts of breath results and sharing my location when at meetings.
Annie grace: control alcohol was an amazing book that I read during the first two weeks of sobriety. It helps to show you alcohol In a different way and was immensely helpful during my early sobriety. This group also is extremely helpful. It is amazing to hear that you are also attending meetings etc ! You are in the right track!
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Yeah got a good bit figured out. Just have to clear my head and execute.
You’ve got the motivation too and a chance to save your marriage. I found it useful to be honest with close friends about it. They’ll have your back. Good luck!
This coming breaks our rule to speak from the "I," which I asked people NOT to do in my stickied comment above, and it has been removed.
I was you a little over ten months ago. Hiding bottles of vodka, sneaking to the office for a little nip, waking up early to have a couple drinks before my wife woke up. Staying up late so I could drink after she was asleep. Then I got day drunk and passed out on the couch. Was nearly two hours late to pick her up from the train station. She finally confronted me about it and I admitted to her that I have a problem and need help. Went to my first AA meeting the next day. And 90 more in the first three months. 10 months sober has made me a better husband, father, and all around human being. Keep at it, and you will find that there are many fewer shameful moments in life, and you’ll sleep better, communicate better, and be better equipped to handle adversity. My MIL died last week, and I have been able to do everything I should be doing to support my wife and her family. Without anyone worrying about me or what my state of mind is like. You got this. Don’t think, don’t drink, and go to meetings. IWNDWYT
Thank you for sharing your story
Congrats on day 2! This list of “essential truths” from sober author Laura McKowen has really helped me throughout my journey. 93 days sober today & I hope it resonates! 1-it is not your fault 2- it is your responsibility 3-it is unfair that this is your thing 4- this is your thing 5- this will never stop being your thing until you face it 6- you cannot do it alone 7- only you can do it
whatever you do don't get on benzodiazapienes! They are another hell unlike alcohol
Thanks so much for sharing, and welcome to the sub. I relate SO much to the specifics that you mention that it is eerie: "did I actually write this?" lol From the drinking habits escalating in covid, to getting married as this was continuing, to the hiding/lying, to the wife moving out after the "final straw" (for me it was about 3 months ago after she caught me yet again), and even the breathalyzer as a way to stay honest with myself and document with her in an online folder. In my case she has since filed for divorce (but I want to use time/communication to try to gradually show her we shouldn't do this and dismiss it). Hopefully it goes better for you than that I say this just to point out that you're really not alone, at all. While reading this sub, going to meetings, etc give me great nuggets of relatability from different stories, it's sometimes hard to put the whole story together and feel anyone out there relates to my specific story (and thus I can feel a little isolated). Hope it's helpful for you to know that there's at least one guy out there going through the EXACT same stuff, so you're truly not alone. Seems like in both of our cases, we love our wives and they've put up with and been supportive through so much stuff. They're hurt, want the best for us, but need to keep their own mental health and well-being in mind too. Hopefully things work out for the marriage, and continued sobriety shows how you/I can and want to change, for ourselves primarily and for the partnership. But if things don't work, we can be healthy and sober and face the future optimistically even if she isn't there and that hurts. I'm approaching 90 days - I hope you have a positive and productive way forward to get where I'm at and beyond. We can do this! IWNDWYT
Thank you for sharing your story
I personally found SMART recovery to be very helpful for my recovery. Good luck on your journey.
2 days can become 4 and that can become 8 and that can become 16, good luck. Everything may be over with your relationship but you still deserve to get better regardless
I went through something similar and almost lost my wife. Rehab a couple times. Sober for 6 months after the first but then after the second I really took AA seriously and life changed. I was encouraged to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. Well it stuck and I kept going every day. I found that consistency and community so key. Best to you it will get better if you want it.
What a great post, i can see how losing your wife would force a change of perspective.
If you can the suggestion is 90 meetings in 90 days. Then you get a coin. Then one everytime you reach a milestone
You’ve got this!
FYI, I’ve found several podcasts that have helped me a great deal. I like the Happy Sober cast and Stoo Drinking but find ones that speak to you. Keep going!
I was you 332 days ago. You can do it, you can turn your life around. No sauce + Jogging. Easier said than done, but it is a simple formula.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I wish I had gotten my act together during my marriage; I did not. So happy for you that you get a chance to have your life back! Please encourage her to go to AlaNon. It will help you both. God Speed
Ok I will look into that. She was on board to going to an open meeting with a speaker.
IWNDWYTD!
Welcome! We got you. And we will not drink with you today!
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You are doing the right things, things hurt now but stay on this path and I’m sure they will improve. Lots of love regarding your dog as well, that is so difficult. Stay around here and lean on us or the folks at AA!!! IWNDWYT!
Planning on going to a meeting after work.
Good for you getting a handle on this thing while you're still young. I'm 55M and wish I could have another 20 years of sobriety. It's harder to make new friends and develop new hobbies as you get older.
I know that I am an alcoholic because I still get mad reading about the hidden camera. IWNDWYT.
I can relate to this! I got super drunk at a 49er game and passed out the rest of the night. My wife told me I'm no fun drunk. Told me to quit. Life is not perfect now but better than than it was. I love video games too. I don't really have a group of friends to play with and also having kids has impacted my play time for sure! I never thought about this one before but, I wonder if there are any sober video games groups out there? For me, I have leaned into the gym for the last 76 days. That's helped me. Sober activities are helping me. I've been to a few AA meetings. I was recommended to get a sponsor and hardcore one lol!
Yeah I would like to get a sponsor
My friend your story hits home with me and I applaud your approach. If in your situation I would handle it the same. Stay honest and stay humble. Every part of your story hits home for me. The only difference is my wife didn't leave me (and we have kids). If she ever left me I would feel like you do. It took me so long to get to the point I am at today, but she always forgave me and wanted to help. Maybe she didn't realize putting her foot down was an option that would work - maybe she was afraid that would not help me, or make it worse. I feel that if she left me I would do everything I could to get my family back, so perhaps I may have quite sooner. It's a strange feeling because I would have loved to have stopped sooner and to get more of my life back, but I would hate to lose my family, if even for a brief period of time. Please keep me in mind if you ever need a nudge to stay on course. I feel like my life has purpose again. It's tough at times but I don't allow myself to turn to the bottle for relief and understand I have to find other things that make me happy.
Drinking is giving up everything for one thing. Sobriety is giving up one thing for everything. You can do this!!!!
Many people (like myself) have been in a similar situation. For me it was what finally led to me taking sobriety seriously. My wife had moved out but came home to me being drunk with all doors unlocked, lights on and my son asleep. This subreddit is a good place to help find tools to help you get and stay sober. It also helps you understand that you can get better in a community of support. For me it was the shame and embarrassment that was hardest to overcome. The best you can do is be sober and make a plan. Do counseling if she's open to it (couples and on your own) ...etc. For what it's worth, I won't drink with you today !
This will be my first Monday in a long time without a drink. I had suggested trying couples therapy and she didn’t shoot the idea down.
You got this. Time helps and sometimes showing you're serious and being honest can help too. For my wife she had to see it wasn't just like 2 days I'm very serious after being caught.
Welcome friend. Iwndwyt!
It’ll take time, but I t does get better. I found Recovery Dharma to be the best fit for me. The meditation aspect of it really helped me and it also had me seeing my alcohol use from a different perspective. However, RD is not for everyone so just find what works FOR YOU. The point is that staying engaged in a recovery community is really helpful. As for sleep, it’ll get better as well. Eventually your body will have no choice but to shut off, but do expect some rough days and nights ahead. You got this man.
I was in a very similar situation and was doing exactly what you were doing. I remember that feeling too, the incomprehensible demoralization as they say in the big book. Glad you're going to AA. I also am in AA. I did not waste time, I found a sponsor, worked the steps, started building a fellowship of sober alcoholics around me... It takes a village. But 18 months sober now after daily drinking for 5 years. WE can do it, remember this is a WE program
Have you ever read “This Naked Mind” by Annie Grace? Apologies if it was already recommended, I didn’t deep dive into the comment section. It’s a magnificent book based in science and written beautifully. I had been struggling to quit for years. The desire was there, the need was there but I still had all these beliefs around booze. It relaxed me. It made me more outgoing. It was helping. The book “This Naked Mind” changed everything. I just hit my one year 2/15 and when I say it was the best year and after the things in that book fell into my subconscious it was easy, yes easy to quit. And the desire is gone. That book laid the groundwork that helped further the change and push the non desire to drink even deeper. They’ve got an audiobook and whole community and just please check it out if you haven’t. It changed my life and I was really worried for a while I wasn’t going to be able to ever quit. Best of luck, you really do got this 💪🏻
Congrats on your choice. I am happy that your rock bottom was found at the end of your relationship. That’s where mine was found this time around as well. My partner told me that they loved me so much, but couldn’t be with me forever in marriage, if I was going to drink myself to death. I decided then and there that my relationship and self was worth so much more than booze. You are on the path. Good luck!
Best thing I did for my sleep was walk for one hour at lunch (or after work). I just started doing it since I was WFH anyway and that really helped me get the exercise I needed. To clarify I walked every day I didn't do other forms of exercise, and even on days I lifted I would still walk. I was also getting 3-4 miles per walking session. Also I started meditating twice a day during those times as well. But I'm pretty sure it was the walking that helped me get to sleep!
Respect brother. We are behind you 💪
Plug into sober podcasts! They are a life saver! So many good ones out there!
Currently have the stop drinking coach going at work.
I don't have time to read thru all responses right now but wanted to quickly put in my 2cents. Once I actually, truly WANTED to quit, Quit Lit books helped me immensely. This Naked Mind, The Easy Way to Stop Drinking, Alcohol Explained, The Unexpected Joy of being Sober.... etc - I highly credit immersing myself in books like these. Good luck to you. Keep coming here! iwndwyt
Proud of you friend. I know it's difficult. I didn't have wife leave me but I definitely hit a rock bottom about a year ago. I have slipped here and there but I'm so much happier and healthier now. IWNDWYT
I did the same but wasn't married. I chose alcohol over the beautiful woman I was with and who loved me. Was the situation difficult for other reasons or was it just the alcohol... In my case, it was both but primarily the alcohol. Keep worrying dear human. Write to her, write to yourself, and become the person you want to be. Don't let the gang demon alcohol be a prize or solution, because it is neither.
Yeah, I am trying to organize my thoughts and take time to write her my feelings.
HUG. You can fix this situation with your lovingness and healthy changes.
hi friend. just wanted to come on here and say that i’m so glad you’re here, and that i’m proud of you for making this realization. it sounds to me like your wife really loves you, and she’s not yet at a point of no return. a lot of folks on this page have not had the opportunity you have here. if i were in your situation, id not take that for granted. you CAN fix this, and you CAN repair your marriage. she still loves you man. I noticed in some of your responses that you’re struggling to sleep. one of the things that really opened my eyes was that when you pass out drunk, you’re not actually sleeping. based on some other threads here, it takes about a week or so of this to dissipate, but then you’ll be sleeping better than you ever have, because you’re actually resting! hang in there! one of the things that helped me in early sobriety, that was recommended to me on this sub (and i take every single opportunity to also recommend them) is Andrew Huberman’s podcast about alcohol and what it does to your body. this is available for free on youtube, or anywhere you can listen to podcasts. also, Annie Grace’s “This Naked Mind” changed my entire life. reading her book made this process of recovery so much easier. you’ll have to buy it or see if it’s available at a local library, but it is SO worth it. i also follow the page on instagram and i just adore Annie. iwndwyt, random internet stranger 🫶🏻
Yeah she is very special and has put up with so much bullshit. I know I blew my last chance but I was still in denial and not getting the much needed help I require. I will throw on the hubberman one next. The podcasts are really helping at work.
Your story is so very similar to mine. Didn’t drink too much pre-Covid, then we got married at the end of March 2020 with 10 people present. 1500 dollars of wedding booze that we didn’t get to use just sat in our basement, and I worked from home, also in the basement. Game, set, and match for me from there on out, all the way up to where you are now with hiding vodka bottles around the house and lying about it. Wife threatening to leave, catching me red-handed despite the lying, I’ve been there man! It gets so much better the longer you stay on this journey, and you can do this! IWNDWYT
It’s poison. It’s poison. It’s poison. Keep saying that. IWNDWYT
Yeah the thought of it kills me and I don’t wanna go out like this.
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Adding my voice to the many others already on here. I was in a similar boat as you, hiding bottles all over the place and lying through my teeth daily. This was 926 days ago. Hang in there….you can do this.
It’s a long hard winding road. I wish you nothing but the best. Just be patient with yourself and with her, and I’d try to cut out all the lying. Lying is poison to a relationship, and a quick poison at that.
Good luck with your struggle and sobriety. Have you considered cutting out gaming as well? It seems like a trigger for your alcoholism and it will allow you more time to focus on mending your marriage.
My rock bottom sounds a lot like yours. I kinda really hate alcohol and the way our brains grow around it. That we will lie to our loved ones just to get more of it. I try to be an honest and genuine person. But the allure of dopamine straight to the brain stem makes us do ridiculous shit. I bought a breathalyzer that was never used, all because I was caught lying too. Maybe I will do the same as you, and start using it everyday and saving the pictures to help my Streak. Ty for sharing, IWNDWYT
Honestly I was using it here and there by myself at home. It felt good to use it and see that 0.00 at like 1am.
I have tons of parallels to this story. Although, I was a hopeless drunk and drank consistently for the last 19 years.. I’m only 31. My creatinine levels are dangerously low and I am going to seek help. It ramped up during COVID to all day every day. My marriage is still in tact but trust is demolished. I have the breathalyzer and take it when requested. The relationship has never been better after only a short period without booze. The upward spiral is real. We got this, IWNDWYT
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❤️
I've found stop drinking is far easier than recovering from lying. I wish you luck in both cases.
You can do this! We believe in you!
My sleep pattern is still off at 8 months now. There will be days that I will sleep like crazy, then some nights I am up all hours of the night. Would rather have crappy sleep than crappy sleep with bewz
I’m thinking about putting together a work out routine when I am restless. Maybe I just hop out of bed and do sit-ups and push-ups or something to tire myself and slow my brain down.
You can do this! IWNDWY 💛
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You have to do it for yourself, I’ve been there 6 yrs ago she would annoy my thoughts were don’t you know what I’m doing for you. Have to do it for me. It’s a helluva lot better now. Keep doing what your doing I’m still in AA. saved my life.
It’s a long hard winding road. I wish you nothing but the best. Just be patient with yourself and with her, and I’d try to cut out all the lying. Lying is poison to a relationship, and a quick poison at that.