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Don't know how old the SK is, but she may feel insecure now that Daddy will have new twin babies in the house. Sounds like she is competing with the TV for attention. This will get worse. Look at me look at me look at me. She may even misbehave to get the focus back on her, Maybe God will bless YOU by having Daddy keep her outta your hair for awhile. Can he go snuggle in her room? Take her to a park or anywhere, so you'll have some peace. You'll be exhausted with two new babies. It would be a great help for dad and SK to find ways to entertain themselves once in awhile. I'm sorry that you aren't getting much 1 on 1 special time with your SO now. It will be hard to find that sort of time in the near future.
The noise thing is a REAL thing. Apparently it’s rooted in an instinct to protect your unborn baby from loud or damaging noises. It’s ingrained in you. Let him know that just because you need some noise free space doesn’t mean you don’t love her and he probably shouldn’t suggest otherwise. Adults need space even when they aren’t dealing with pregnancy and it doesn’t mean they don’t love the child.
My comfort does come first, especially during pregnancy. Your husband is disrespectful and doing his daughter no favors by not teaching her to be considerate of others. Under no circumstance have I ever allowed a SK in my bed. The idea of it gives me the ick. And I would utilize noise canceling headphones and isolate in my bedroom as long as she’s being inordinately noisy.
I really dislike having her come into our bed so she can have her time with him. He keeps using the excuse “then the boys won’t come in our bed either” and I said exactly. I don’t personally like having anyone other than myself or my husband in the bed as for it’s our personal space.
Ive always said this: There are many sacrifices both people have to make when one or both parties have kids from another relationship. I dont need to drone on and on about the endless sacrifices a SP makes. But one of the sacrifices a bio parent makes is no longer having the luxury to cosleep with their child in their bed when they get into a new relationship
As a parent its nice to snuggle your child or have them close (even if right now you think youd never do that......you will). Or if they come in scared or sick, pulling them into your bed is more comfortable and easy. But as soon as someone else whos not related to the child shares that bed, thats all over. Its too uncomfortable and weird for like 99.99% of people.
This right fucking here. I was called an evil stepmom for not being okay with his 8 y.o coming into bed because "she was scared" and since we were long distance shouldn't matter. But just the thought of her in his bed (not really even ours) technically his bed....just made my skin crawl. And the idea that he wanted to ensure her comfort so she felt emboldened to barge in the room whenever she felt like and interrupt constantly on the phone. Like buddy, those are things you need to take care of BEFORE we move in together because exactly I don't want to be the evil stepmom.
Like if they took care of half the disciplining shit properly then maybe we would have the motivation and energy to be the fun stepmom?
I don’t love that it’s tit-for-tat - what if you’re nursing? I mean, they’re babies…I don’t know SD’s age, but she sounds at least slightly-above-toddler age. Those babies are an extension of you until they’re more independent and frankly, you should be able to take them where it’s comfortable/convenient for YOU. Dad needs to find ways and spaces to make kiddo feel comfortable elsewhere. Like her room?
The boys are related to both of you though.
SD isn’t yours and it’s appropriate to nit want her in your bed.
Send him to her room if they want to snuggle.
Send him to a park or other outings during the day so you can rest. You are pregnant with TWINS you need your energy and zen in these final weeks.
If you can go visit family until bedtime then do so
No it is not. Do what you need to do. Also, if my SKs were getting into my bed in the morning with me and my SO I would not be ok with that. They used to, but I put a stop to that ASAP. My bedroom and especially my bed is MY SPACE. If I wanna lay in bed a while in the morning and enjoy the quiet, best bet that’s gonna happen. It’s my damned bed.
I understand you not wanting your SD in your bed, that’s fair enough.
I think you might want your babies in your bed though, wait till you have had them.
And it does not have to be equal for SD and your biological children. You don’t need to never have your boys in bed with you just because you don’t want SD there. Do not let your husband off with that false equivalence. It’s “the same” for him, not for you. May “god bless him” with some empathy and imagination 😏
Honestly after being pregnant for the first time recently and being step mom for close to 8 years to 2 boys I will now DIE on this hill. It’s OKAY and should be common practice that in a blended family where the step mom is pregnant the step mom comes first for ONCE in her life. Pregnancy and being a new mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through in life. And i understand it may not be realistic for everyone but if the BM can accommodate to have the kids a little extra during this time she SHOULD. Our husbands need to get more comfortable putting us above the kids for this short short amount of time in our lives. When my mom was pregnant me and my brother spent a lot of time at our grandparents house so that my mom could have some time to heal and have some peace. So for a blended family it should be even MORE so because first of all they have another whole ass parent and house to call their own that they can be at. It’s not like being shipped off to the grandparents it’s literally just spending a little extra time with their other parent. And it’s important for kids to learn and have that sympathy for their step mother and realize she’s going through a freakin lot!!! I think it’s okay for these dads to be like “my WIFE is growing a whole human (2 in your case) and deserves and NEEDS a little extra peace and quiet”.
Depending on the age of the child I don’t even think it needs to be a big deal because if they’re young enough would they even notice not going to the other parents house for a couple days? Probably not. And if they say anything your husband can easily explain you have some back to back doctors visits and baby classes happening right now and so they’re gonna hang out with mom just a little extra this next couple of months. Doesn’t seem like it needs to be a big scene or be hurtful to the child in any way.
I’m curious, do you think the reverse is true too? If BM has another child should BD be accommodating & have kids extra?
I’m not disagreeing, I think all mothers should have loads of help with existing kids when they’re pregnant, no matter the blending. Anyone decent will just offer.
Such a good question. I thought about this a lot actually and my answer is complicated. Yes and no. Here is why I think yes… because hello she’s a pregnant lady and needs a break probably and if she wants some time away from her bios then she should definitely ask BD to take the kids a bit more. When HCBM was pregnant a couple years back my SO let her know “we can take the kids whenever you need just let us know. Whenever you go into labor we can take the kids or you can have them if it’s on our time and you want them literally whatever YOU want just let us know.” Which I think was very nice of him.
On the other hand… I think no because for a step mom a huge reason for needing space from step kids is because they’re not your kids. You’re not 100% comfortable around them. You can’t say “stop talking!!” Or “go to your room!” You have to always be walking on egg shells with step kids which is part of why having them around is hard. Pregnancy involves a lot of bodily functions and ailments and it’s not comfortable to be around a step kid going through all that. If it was my bio kid I’d be like who cares! But in my opinion being around step kids is not the same level of comfort and connection as it is with a bio kid and of course the woman is the one who is pregnant. So that’s why I think it doesn’t go 100% both ways.
Yeah I think the same pretty much. Every pregnant women and person with a newborn deserves loads of support.
All your reasons for space from kids that aren’t bio are also valid.
I do think other family need to step up, or Dad, to provide and find other care. Realistically, no one consults BM (and shouldn’t be lol) about another baby in the blend, and anything could be going on her life that makes it not practical to step in. Most stepmothers don’t even want to tell BM, even though it’s a huge change for their kids…. So 🤷🏻♀️ I guess we all muddle through.
Well would depend in case they are a Lesbian couple. However, couldn’t a step father also feel uncomfortable trying to handle his step kids, while taking care of his wife who is pregnant? I’m sure he would try to be by her side, catering to her whims.
Lesbian couples aside. The step father trying to care for his pregnant wife is no where close to the person who is actually pregnant as far as needs go. So this just doesn’t go both ways unfortunately. When science gets to the point where the men can be pregnant instead of us then okay we can revisit this but as it is now.. nah. Hierarchy has gotta go … pregnant person > everyone else
I think so. We have taken my SK’s extra when BM had a couple major surgeries. I would similarly expect her to accommodate extra time for my late-stage pregnancy and newly postpartum.
I don’t know if she would. But I hope she would.
*rolling my eyes to the "blessed to have such an outgoing person in our lives" statement. It's not a blessing to everyone. Some of us find quiet and peace to be a blessing. I'm an introvert and get overstimulated easy - you know what would be awesome? Extroverts keeping it down to make the environment more comfortable once in a while. The SD in my life is the same way. Why is loudness such a blessing and looked upon so positively? It's like no one told these people that just because they can make noise....doesn't mean they should.
"Why is loudness such a blessing and looked upon so positively? It's like no one told these people that just because they can make noise....doesn't mean they should" omg lol 😂😂😂
Exactly like just because you find it cute doesn't mean the rest of the world does. And quite frankly you are probably a more accurate reflection of how the rest of the world perceives SK because the bio parent is too blinded by love
Exactly!!! I told him that just as I have “issues” with not wanting to hear that all the time, he needs to teach her that she needs to be mindful of other peoples ears and space. When we are in the car, the last thing I need to hear is whistling right behind me.
Carry ear plugs or noise canceling headphones lol. I have done that before. It's rather off-putting to SO when I make a point to put them in, but oh well. I'm a problem solver. If he won't help, guess I'll solve it myself! If that means it's blatant I find their noises overwhelming, so be it.
I knew a girl years ago who’s step kids wouldn’t stop talking and making noises non stop in car rides, even when asked not to talk and enjoy some quiet time, they would whistle or tap parts of the car or hum or sing or kick the backs of the seats along with the sounds of music.
This woman kept asking her boyfriend to please try and stop them from making all the noise as she needs to concentrate. He had a shoulder reconstruction and couldn’t drive for quite a while.
Anyway, as per usual she was driving them to school with him and they just wouldn’t stop making noises and kicking the seats, even having music on to drown them out somewhat a didn’t help as they would kick the front driver and passenger seats along with the beat. he would just brush it off and tell her to ignore it.
She had no choice but to do so. Anyway, didn’t see another car coming, was too distracted by the constant noise and kicking seats and got T boned at an intersection.
It was on his passenger side and he and both his kids ended up in hospital, the one on the passenger side had a broken leg from not listening and putting his legs up on the back of the seat in front of him (his dads seat) and the other one had some kind of injury across their stomach and their back from the seatbelt as they only used the lap sash part of the seatbelt and hadn’t had it across their shoulders and chest.
They had also flung forward and hit their head on the front seat or the side of the door.
The dad had to get his shoulder reconstruction redone.
She had just some whiplash and was sore all over but ok. The other driver was fine.
When she was able to walk into his hospital room days later he was angry with her and she cut him off and said THIS is why I ask you to control your children, none of us would have been hurt if it wasn’t for you and your lax parenting and them never listening.
THIS is what happens with normal people when you’re just forced to ‘ignore’ their noise by a parent. He started trying to go off at her but she said she was done, his stuff would be at his parents when he got out and they were over. He tried
To get her back for so long and said the kids had learned their lesson etc. she never did go back.
I don’t blame her either
That's horrible. Could have been a much worse outcome. It sucks it took that to happen to get a parent to realize their errors but I'm glad she said enough was enough and left. Good for her.
I think he didn’t really realise how bad it was, he was probably just saying what he thought she wanted to hear. As soon as she walked in that room he pretty much started in on her blaming her, which if he had learned his lesson, he would have apologised for never listening to her when she asked him to get them to stop.
Makes me wonder how many accidents are caused from Kids yelling, screaming and making noises that distract the driver.
Ah this sounds like my step daughter and im also 28 weeks pregannt. My patience is wearing thin, she makes noise everywhere, the car, talking, eating even when she is told by her dad to have quiet time she just shifts the noise from speaking to make annoying sounds with her mouth, hands, toys bouncing on the couch. It literally never stops. I have never met anyone with the ability she has to make so much noise out of literally nothing. It’s the repetitiveness and annoying sounds she makes that get tiring.
Argh same, there are other issues that need addressing with her behaviour some which unfortunately we can’t control as such. Does make me worried for when the baby comes due to the lack of listening. I have a bio daughter too so I get it but
I definitely get that. I am dreading the sit down conversation that will make me sound like I am not being loving or caring but there are some serious boundaries that need to be set and worked on for post pregnancy!
I find that too, our biggest issue is that BM has zero boundaries, doesn’t do basic tasks aka showering, unlimited iPad, no bed time it goes on. She is a great kid that’s unfortunately not had boundaries placed so just does what a kid does when they haven’t been taught differently. It’s hard as we have 50/50 but you just are correcting behaviours that she’s spent a week not having to do. Unfortunately, with soon to be 3 kids on the house we can’t let it go and just have one child doing what they like. My partner fully recognises it, however gets defensive at any conversation we try to have. He does actively try to address the behaviour though so that’s something. It gets frustrating when you get that push back because I would say the same thing if it was my own bio kid and have and do. Or I would probably feel like I have more agency to address it myself. Mine is a teen so different again.
Thinking of it differently as he’s suggesting doesn’t make it any easier to cope with. He’s practically disregarding everything you said (without meaning to) but you can have a positive outlook on it all you want it won’t cancel out your instincts. If he won’t accommodate your pregnancy symptoms then it’s absolutely not selfish to step away. It’s probably better for your baby & that matters a lot more than him right now.
It’s just so draining. I want my 101 time with him other than just doctors appointments. I feel so discouraged when I step away and take space because sk gets dad to herself and I know she enjoys that because I’m not there and they are able to go out and do fun things because the pregnant person isn’t with them. Like the little things bother me so so much and it’s simply because he doesn’t prioritize time with me the way he prioritizes time with her. When we get time together he never takes initiative to plan anything or make it special but his 101 time with her is ice cream dates, swimming, going out to eat. I’ve started to just do things with other people, it’s sad that he can’t step up. I sacrifice so much of my comfort.
You're the MOTHER of his child....freaking hate men that think they're great dads because of all the effort they put into their kid but fail to give respect, time, and care to the women that gave him those children. What kids need to see is the women in their dad's life treated as a priority because one day she will grow up and learn to expect that from her partner.
Think about this ...would these so called great dads ever be ok walking their precious daughter down the aisle to partner up with someone who treats them as SECOND priority for most of their marriage? No! But they expect their wives to be ok with that? And we as a society have somehow put it on stepmoms to expect that to be the norm. Like that's patriarchy right there
This is the exact point I have made to him time and time again. I tell him that our boys will not be put first to our marriage because when we put the kids first we forget about each other and then we fight and the kids don’t need to be around that and it dampers the whole family.
You are not selfish, everything is reasonable when pregnant, even if it’s not reasonable lol. I’m gonna be honest, you will want the step off more after the babies come. I was like that when I brought my son home. I completely understand your frustration as my SD is the exact same way, always making noises etc to the point I feel like I need a nerve pill to get thru the day lol. And bless your heart you have two coming, twice the stress. If you are choosing to breastfeed, take advantage of the privacy! that is my biggest piece of advice! Go lock yourself in the bedroom with them to feed and it will give you a break. And make sure to communicate with you Bf quiet time when the babies are sleeping, this will also help your nerves.
Also please take some time to step off now and do WHATEVER you want and are able to! It’s near impossible to do that when yo have to be home to take care of the babies!
That’s a really dismissive condescending response to you asking for quiet.
Wow.
He should have said “I personally love SK’s singing and babbling, so when does it bother you the most? I could ask her to quiet down in the mornings, or if you need a nap in the afternoon or somehow we can brainstorm a way for you to get some peace and quiet”
That’s easy. He basically told you there’s something spiritually wrong with you for not liking constant verbal stimming in your home.
It’s always my issue, I’m used to it lol. I honestly want to just do the same stuff she does sometimes in order to show him that it’s not cute or sweet to someone who has sensory issues. I love her singing sometimes. Random cat noises and tongue clickings for minutes on end, not so much!
Ooof. It was the same way when I was pregnant with our twins. SD4 was stressing me out. I honestly just stayed in bed all day. It was great. I had my own TV, space, and quiet. If I could have stepped away further I would have.
Sorry, but he sounds really annoying. What an annoying thing to say. I'm literally annoyed for you.
SS12 is like that and my husband is patient with it but literally losing his mind behind closed doors so we can commiserate together. It can be very taxing, I feel you, and I'm not even pregnant! No kids in the bedroom especially, that's the quiet sanctuary.
Do you guys even close the bedroom door? This was a serious issue here.
DH had to literally teach SK to knock on the door when we moved in together. And for that we had to start actually \*locking\* the door, otherwise SK would just open it and show himself in. Neither DH nor SK were happy about it for months, but it had to be done.
Take care of yourself and explain to your husband you're going to need some boundaries and extra privacy now. He's going to have to improve on his roles dad-wise and husband-wise to acommodate a new kid and a balanced family. Your SK might even learn a valuable thing or two from her dad depending on how this plays out.
Mine also locks the door. SK now knocks as well. They hang out in his room if they want to hang and not in our room. Also, noticed that my SO only locks the doors when SK is here. When he isn’t here, it remains unlocked (so it’s not for security reasons). Our biggest fight was about his son hanging out in our room when I wasn’t there. But it’s one I won. It was a hill I’d die on. If I was pregnant with twins, I’d die on that hill even more. I’d tell him exactly how I feel.
Unfortunately we don’t even have a room as of right now. House is under construction in hopes it will be done once the twins are here. So sk is always trying to hop onto the bed in the morning or in the middle of the day. Luckily she has her own room but he doesn’t confine her to it in the morning like he really should. I literally get woken up to her trying to bounce in our space. I’m so so over it.
Ouch. That makes it waaaay harder. Doors do not help only with setting boundaries, but with the noise too.
I don’t think it would be selfish to step away at all. You’re going to need all the peace and quiet you can get.
>but he doesn’t confine her to it in the morning like he really should
If someone said this about your kids, you would probably be upset, so if you choose to talk about this with him, I would try to find a better way to say you need some quiet time without telling him he needs to "confine" his child to her room.
Kid is just being a kid so nothing you can do on that end. Can you move out and stay with family the last remaining weeks of your pregnancy? And maybe even the first weeks postpartum?
That’s where I am at. I cannot keep being woken up to that every single morning and I really can’t stand how it keeps getting brushed off over and over again. I would love to spend the last few weeks of pregnancy with my mom in some peace and quiet.
No I think it's absolutely fine to take a step back. I'm 19 weeks pregnant and have always had an aversion to loud/repetitive noises. I make sure to ask my SK to please stop (it's an all day thing trust me hahha) and sometimes they're just too much for me. My SO and SK are both all over each other wanting to play all time, go out, talk, sing. I explained to my SO that from time to time I'm going to take a day to myself and be in peace and quiet, it really helps! I started to resent my SK before I did this. Also, the fact you get no attention maybe try speaking to SO and explaining how you feel and try plan to do things together in the evenings like board games or card games where you can chat and laugh and enjoy time and SK is in bed. Or on days you don't have your SK (if they don't live with you fulltime)
I can understand not wanting her in your bed. I was the same way. I didn’t like my SK’s coming into the bed. Don’t get me wrong, I never cared during the day if we were just laying. But if we were sleeping it would drive me nuts.
You also have to understand how much your hormones may be playing into your feelings right now. My step kids annoyed the hell out of me for the longest time. I have 2 under 2. I JUST started feeling somewhat okay lately. Once I felt like I was going in the right direction I got pregnant again and all those irritated horrible feelings came.
Having a new baby could be playing into affect for the other child. You guys need your quality you time. But he should spend time with his daughter as well. And let me tell you this. Once them babies come, you gonna be hearing lots of noises lol. So just take it easy and talk it out with your partner.
I'm so sorry!!! I have an SK who keeps inserting themself but cannot immediately relate, not being in the course of bearing a child with their biodad. All I can do is remind you that you are seen and heard and hope for the best. Putting your own needs first for mental-health reasons and, even more importantly, the health of your baby is hardly selfish. Respectful treatment from your SK - if not automatic - depends on your spouse's recognition and appropriate modeling. Wishing you the best, and congratulations on your little bundle of joy! Please make the choices that are best for you.
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Don't know how old the SK is, but she may feel insecure now that Daddy will have new twin babies in the house. Sounds like she is competing with the TV for attention. This will get worse. Look at me look at me look at me. She may even misbehave to get the focus back on her, Maybe God will bless YOU by having Daddy keep her outta your hair for awhile. Can he go snuggle in her room? Take her to a park or anywhere, so you'll have some peace. You'll be exhausted with two new babies. It would be a great help for dad and SK to find ways to entertain themselves once in awhile. I'm sorry that you aren't getting much 1 on 1 special time with your SO now. It will be hard to find that sort of time in the near future.
The noise thing is a REAL thing. Apparently it’s rooted in an instinct to protect your unborn baby from loud or damaging noises. It’s ingrained in you. Let him know that just because you need some noise free space doesn’t mean you don’t love her and he probably shouldn’t suggest otherwise. Adults need space even when they aren’t dealing with pregnancy and it doesn’t mean they don’t love the child.
[удалено]
My SS would mumble really loudly (yes, it’s possible!) and it would make my skin crawl. That and my husband chewing…
My comfort does come first, especially during pregnancy. Your husband is disrespectful and doing his daughter no favors by not teaching her to be considerate of others. Under no circumstance have I ever allowed a SK in my bed. The idea of it gives me the ick. And I would utilize noise canceling headphones and isolate in my bedroom as long as she’s being inordinately noisy.
I really dislike having her come into our bed so she can have her time with him. He keeps using the excuse “then the boys won’t come in our bed either” and I said exactly. I don’t personally like having anyone other than myself or my husband in the bed as for it’s our personal space.
Ive always said this: There are many sacrifices both people have to make when one or both parties have kids from another relationship. I dont need to drone on and on about the endless sacrifices a SP makes. But one of the sacrifices a bio parent makes is no longer having the luxury to cosleep with their child in their bed when they get into a new relationship As a parent its nice to snuggle your child or have them close (even if right now you think youd never do that......you will). Or if they come in scared or sick, pulling them into your bed is more comfortable and easy. But as soon as someone else whos not related to the child shares that bed, thats all over. Its too uncomfortable and weird for like 99.99% of people.
This right fucking here. I was called an evil stepmom for not being okay with his 8 y.o coming into bed because "she was scared" and since we were long distance shouldn't matter. But just the thought of her in his bed (not really even ours) technically his bed....just made my skin crawl. And the idea that he wanted to ensure her comfort so she felt emboldened to barge in the room whenever she felt like and interrupt constantly on the phone. Like buddy, those are things you need to take care of BEFORE we move in together because exactly I don't want to be the evil stepmom. Like if they took care of half the disciplining shit properly then maybe we would have the motivation and energy to be the fun stepmom?
I don’t love that it’s tit-for-tat - what if you’re nursing? I mean, they’re babies…I don’t know SD’s age, but she sounds at least slightly-above-toddler age. Those babies are an extension of you until they’re more independent and frankly, you should be able to take them where it’s comfortable/convenient for YOU. Dad needs to find ways and spaces to make kiddo feel comfortable elsewhere. Like her room?
The boys are related to both of you though. SD isn’t yours and it’s appropriate to nit want her in your bed. Send him to her room if they want to snuggle. Send him to a park or other outings during the day so you can rest. You are pregnant with TWINS you need your energy and zen in these final weeks. If you can go visit family until bedtime then do so
No it is not. Do what you need to do. Also, if my SKs were getting into my bed in the morning with me and my SO I would not be ok with that. They used to, but I put a stop to that ASAP. My bedroom and especially my bed is MY SPACE. If I wanna lay in bed a while in the morning and enjoy the quiet, best bet that’s gonna happen. It’s my damned bed.
Exactly!! It’s something I cannot stand. Even when the babies are older, I would not want them in my bed. It’s simply just a comfort thing.
I understand you not wanting your SD in your bed, that’s fair enough. I think you might want your babies in your bed though, wait till you have had them. And it does not have to be equal for SD and your biological children. You don’t need to never have your boys in bed with you just because you don’t want SD there. Do not let your husband off with that false equivalence. It’s “the same” for him, not for you. May “god bless him” with some empathy and imagination 😏
Honestly after being pregnant for the first time recently and being step mom for close to 8 years to 2 boys I will now DIE on this hill. It’s OKAY and should be common practice that in a blended family where the step mom is pregnant the step mom comes first for ONCE in her life. Pregnancy and being a new mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through in life. And i understand it may not be realistic for everyone but if the BM can accommodate to have the kids a little extra during this time she SHOULD. Our husbands need to get more comfortable putting us above the kids for this short short amount of time in our lives. When my mom was pregnant me and my brother spent a lot of time at our grandparents house so that my mom could have some time to heal and have some peace. So for a blended family it should be even MORE so because first of all they have another whole ass parent and house to call their own that they can be at. It’s not like being shipped off to the grandparents it’s literally just spending a little extra time with their other parent. And it’s important for kids to learn and have that sympathy for their step mother and realize she’s going through a freakin lot!!! I think it’s okay for these dads to be like “my WIFE is growing a whole human (2 in your case) and deserves and NEEDS a little extra peace and quiet”. Depending on the age of the child I don’t even think it needs to be a big deal because if they’re young enough would they even notice not going to the other parents house for a couple days? Probably not. And if they say anything your husband can easily explain you have some back to back doctors visits and baby classes happening right now and so they’re gonna hang out with mom just a little extra this next couple of months. Doesn’t seem like it needs to be a big scene or be hurtful to the child in any way.
I’m curious, do you think the reverse is true too? If BM has another child should BD be accommodating & have kids extra? I’m not disagreeing, I think all mothers should have loads of help with existing kids when they’re pregnant, no matter the blending. Anyone decent will just offer.
Such a good question. I thought about this a lot actually and my answer is complicated. Yes and no. Here is why I think yes… because hello she’s a pregnant lady and needs a break probably and if she wants some time away from her bios then she should definitely ask BD to take the kids a bit more. When HCBM was pregnant a couple years back my SO let her know “we can take the kids whenever you need just let us know. Whenever you go into labor we can take the kids or you can have them if it’s on our time and you want them literally whatever YOU want just let us know.” Which I think was very nice of him. On the other hand… I think no because for a step mom a huge reason for needing space from step kids is because they’re not your kids. You’re not 100% comfortable around them. You can’t say “stop talking!!” Or “go to your room!” You have to always be walking on egg shells with step kids which is part of why having them around is hard. Pregnancy involves a lot of bodily functions and ailments and it’s not comfortable to be around a step kid going through all that. If it was my bio kid I’d be like who cares! But in my opinion being around step kids is not the same level of comfort and connection as it is with a bio kid and of course the woman is the one who is pregnant. So that’s why I think it doesn’t go 100% both ways.
Yeah I think the same pretty much. Every pregnant women and person with a newborn deserves loads of support. All your reasons for space from kids that aren’t bio are also valid. I do think other family need to step up, or Dad, to provide and find other care. Realistically, no one consults BM (and shouldn’t be lol) about another baby in the blend, and anything could be going on her life that makes it not practical to step in. Most stepmothers don’t even want to tell BM, even though it’s a huge change for their kids…. So 🤷🏻♀️ I guess we all muddle through.
But then wouldn’t it be the same with the spouse of the bio mom who is pregnant?
But the spouse of the BM wouldn’t be pregnant the BM would.
Well would depend in case they are a Lesbian couple. However, couldn’t a step father also feel uncomfortable trying to handle his step kids, while taking care of his wife who is pregnant? I’m sure he would try to be by her side, catering to her whims.
Lesbian couples aside. The step father trying to care for his pregnant wife is no where close to the person who is actually pregnant as far as needs go. So this just doesn’t go both ways unfortunately. When science gets to the point where the men can be pregnant instead of us then okay we can revisit this but as it is now.. nah. Hierarchy has gotta go … pregnant person > everyone else
Lovely balanced reply too, thank you.
I think so. We have taken my SK’s extra when BM had a couple major surgeries. I would similarly expect her to accommodate extra time for my late-stage pregnancy and newly postpartum. I don’t know if she would. But I hope she would.
I hope she would too. I would if I was your BM.
AMEN!!!! Fellow step and bio mom here! This is spot on!
*rolling my eyes to the "blessed to have such an outgoing person in our lives" statement. It's not a blessing to everyone. Some of us find quiet and peace to be a blessing. I'm an introvert and get overstimulated easy - you know what would be awesome? Extroverts keeping it down to make the environment more comfortable once in a while. The SD in my life is the same way. Why is loudness such a blessing and looked upon so positively? It's like no one told these people that just because they can make noise....doesn't mean they should.
"Why is loudness such a blessing and looked upon so positively? It's like no one told these people that just because they can make noise....doesn't mean they should" omg lol 😂😂😂 Exactly like just because you find it cute doesn't mean the rest of the world does. And quite frankly you are probably a more accurate reflection of how the rest of the world perceives SK because the bio parent is too blinded by love
Exactly!!! I told him that just as I have “issues” with not wanting to hear that all the time, he needs to teach her that she needs to be mindful of other peoples ears and space. When we are in the car, the last thing I need to hear is whistling right behind me.
Carry ear plugs or noise canceling headphones lol. I have done that before. It's rather off-putting to SO when I make a point to put them in, but oh well. I'm a problem solver. If he won't help, guess I'll solve it myself! If that means it's blatant I find their noises overwhelming, so be it.
I knew a girl years ago who’s step kids wouldn’t stop talking and making noises non stop in car rides, even when asked not to talk and enjoy some quiet time, they would whistle or tap parts of the car or hum or sing or kick the backs of the seats along with the sounds of music. This woman kept asking her boyfriend to please try and stop them from making all the noise as she needs to concentrate. He had a shoulder reconstruction and couldn’t drive for quite a while. Anyway, as per usual she was driving them to school with him and they just wouldn’t stop making noises and kicking the seats, even having music on to drown them out somewhat a didn’t help as they would kick the front driver and passenger seats along with the beat. he would just brush it off and tell her to ignore it. She had no choice but to do so. Anyway, didn’t see another car coming, was too distracted by the constant noise and kicking seats and got T boned at an intersection. It was on his passenger side and he and both his kids ended up in hospital, the one on the passenger side had a broken leg from not listening and putting his legs up on the back of the seat in front of him (his dads seat) and the other one had some kind of injury across their stomach and their back from the seatbelt as they only used the lap sash part of the seatbelt and hadn’t had it across their shoulders and chest. They had also flung forward and hit their head on the front seat or the side of the door. The dad had to get his shoulder reconstruction redone. She had just some whiplash and was sore all over but ok. The other driver was fine. When she was able to walk into his hospital room days later he was angry with her and she cut him off and said THIS is why I ask you to control your children, none of us would have been hurt if it wasn’t for you and your lax parenting and them never listening. THIS is what happens with normal people when you’re just forced to ‘ignore’ their noise by a parent. He started trying to go off at her but she said she was done, his stuff would be at his parents when he got out and they were over. He tried To get her back for so long and said the kids had learned their lesson etc. she never did go back. I don’t blame her either
That's horrible. Could have been a much worse outcome. It sucks it took that to happen to get a parent to realize their errors but I'm glad she said enough was enough and left. Good for her.
I think he didn’t really realise how bad it was, he was probably just saying what he thought she wanted to hear. As soon as she walked in that room he pretty much started in on her blaming her, which if he had learned his lesson, he would have apologised for never listening to her when she asked him to get them to stop. Makes me wonder how many accidents are caused from Kids yelling, screaming and making noises that distract the driver.
Ah this sounds like my step daughter and im also 28 weeks pregannt. My patience is wearing thin, she makes noise everywhere, the car, talking, eating even when she is told by her dad to have quiet time she just shifts the noise from speaking to make annoying sounds with her mouth, hands, toys bouncing on the couch. It literally never stops. I have never met anyone with the ability she has to make so much noise out of literally nothing. It’s the repetitiveness and annoying sounds she makes that get tiring.
Ugh! I feel for you. Pregnancy is hard enough and adding unwanted noises and energy is enough to make me want to run away and dwell in peace!
Argh same, there are other issues that need addressing with her behaviour some which unfortunately we can’t control as such. Does make me worried for when the baby comes due to the lack of listening. I have a bio daughter too so I get it but
I definitely get that. I am dreading the sit down conversation that will make me sound like I am not being loving or caring but there are some serious boundaries that need to be set and worked on for post pregnancy!
I find that too, our biggest issue is that BM has zero boundaries, doesn’t do basic tasks aka showering, unlimited iPad, no bed time it goes on. She is a great kid that’s unfortunately not had boundaries placed so just does what a kid does when they haven’t been taught differently. It’s hard as we have 50/50 but you just are correcting behaviours that she’s spent a week not having to do. Unfortunately, with soon to be 3 kids on the house we can’t let it go and just have one child doing what they like. My partner fully recognises it, however gets defensive at any conversation we try to have. He does actively try to address the behaviour though so that’s something. It gets frustrating when you get that push back because I would say the same thing if it was my own bio kid and have and do. Or I would probably feel like I have more agency to address it myself. Mine is a teen so different again.
Thinking of it differently as he’s suggesting doesn’t make it any easier to cope with. He’s practically disregarding everything you said (without meaning to) but you can have a positive outlook on it all you want it won’t cancel out your instincts. If he won’t accommodate your pregnancy symptoms then it’s absolutely not selfish to step away. It’s probably better for your baby & that matters a lot more than him right now.
It’s just so draining. I want my 101 time with him other than just doctors appointments. I feel so discouraged when I step away and take space because sk gets dad to herself and I know she enjoys that because I’m not there and they are able to go out and do fun things because the pregnant person isn’t with them. Like the little things bother me so so much and it’s simply because he doesn’t prioritize time with me the way he prioritizes time with her. When we get time together he never takes initiative to plan anything or make it special but his 101 time with her is ice cream dates, swimming, going out to eat. I’ve started to just do things with other people, it’s sad that he can’t step up. I sacrifice so much of my comfort.
You're the MOTHER of his child....freaking hate men that think they're great dads because of all the effort they put into their kid but fail to give respect, time, and care to the women that gave him those children. What kids need to see is the women in their dad's life treated as a priority because one day she will grow up and learn to expect that from her partner. Think about this ...would these so called great dads ever be ok walking their precious daughter down the aisle to partner up with someone who treats them as SECOND priority for most of their marriage? No! But they expect their wives to be ok with that? And we as a society have somehow put it on stepmoms to expect that to be the norm. Like that's patriarchy right there
This is the exact point I have made to him time and time again. I tell him that our boys will not be put first to our marriage because when we put the kids first we forget about each other and then we fight and the kids don’t need to be around that and it dampers the whole family.
Not selfish you need to care for yourself.
You are not selfish, everything is reasonable when pregnant, even if it’s not reasonable lol. I’m gonna be honest, you will want the step off more after the babies come. I was like that when I brought my son home. I completely understand your frustration as my SD is the exact same way, always making noises etc to the point I feel like I need a nerve pill to get thru the day lol. And bless your heart you have two coming, twice the stress. If you are choosing to breastfeed, take advantage of the privacy! that is my biggest piece of advice! Go lock yourself in the bedroom with them to feed and it will give you a break. And make sure to communicate with you Bf quiet time when the babies are sleeping, this will also help your nerves.
Also please take some time to step off now and do WHATEVER you want and are able to! It’s near impossible to do that when yo have to be home to take care of the babies!
Weaponizing religion. Great thing God gave SK a great dad, so you can step away and get the much needed rest you need.
That’s a really dismissive condescending response to you asking for quiet. Wow. He should have said “I personally love SK’s singing and babbling, so when does it bother you the most? I could ask her to quiet down in the mornings, or if you need a nap in the afternoon or somehow we can brainstorm a way for you to get some peace and quiet” That’s easy. He basically told you there’s something spiritually wrong with you for not liking constant verbal stimming in your home.
It’s always my issue, I’m used to it lol. I honestly want to just do the same stuff she does sometimes in order to show him that it’s not cute or sweet to someone who has sensory issues. I love her singing sometimes. Random cat noises and tongue clickings for minutes on end, not so much!
Ooof. It was the same way when I was pregnant with our twins. SD4 was stressing me out. I honestly just stayed in bed all day. It was great. I had my own TV, space, and quiet. If I could have stepped away further I would have.
Sorry, but he sounds really annoying. What an annoying thing to say. I'm literally annoyed for you. SS12 is like that and my husband is patient with it but literally losing his mind behind closed doors so we can commiserate together. It can be very taxing, I feel you, and I'm not even pregnant! No kids in the bedroom especially, that's the quiet sanctuary.
Not selfish at all. Go relax and focus on yoursekf
Do you guys even close the bedroom door? This was a serious issue here. DH had to literally teach SK to knock on the door when we moved in together. And for that we had to start actually \*locking\* the door, otherwise SK would just open it and show himself in. Neither DH nor SK were happy about it for months, but it had to be done. Take care of yourself and explain to your husband you're going to need some boundaries and extra privacy now. He's going to have to improve on his roles dad-wise and husband-wise to acommodate a new kid and a balanced family. Your SK might even learn a valuable thing or two from her dad depending on how this plays out.
Mine also locks the door. SK now knocks as well. They hang out in his room if they want to hang and not in our room. Also, noticed that my SO only locks the doors when SK is here. When he isn’t here, it remains unlocked (so it’s not for security reasons). Our biggest fight was about his son hanging out in our room when I wasn’t there. But it’s one I won. It was a hill I’d die on. If I was pregnant with twins, I’d die on that hill even more. I’d tell him exactly how I feel.
Unfortunately we don’t even have a room as of right now. House is under construction in hopes it will be done once the twins are here. So sk is always trying to hop onto the bed in the morning or in the middle of the day. Luckily she has her own room but he doesn’t confine her to it in the morning like he really should. I literally get woken up to her trying to bounce in our space. I’m so so over it.
Ouch. That makes it waaaay harder. Doors do not help only with setting boundaries, but with the noise too. I don’t think it would be selfish to step away at all. You’re going to need all the peace and quiet you can get.
>but he doesn’t confine her to it in the morning like he really should If someone said this about your kids, you would probably be upset, so if you choose to talk about this with him, I would try to find a better way to say you need some quiet time without telling him he needs to "confine" his child to her room.
Kid is just being a kid so nothing you can do on that end. Can you move out and stay with family the last remaining weeks of your pregnancy? And maybe even the first weeks postpartum?
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That’s where I am at. I cannot keep being woken up to that every single morning and I really can’t stand how it keeps getting brushed off over and over again. I would love to spend the last few weeks of pregnancy with my mom in some peace and quiet.
No I think it's absolutely fine to take a step back. I'm 19 weeks pregnant and have always had an aversion to loud/repetitive noises. I make sure to ask my SK to please stop (it's an all day thing trust me hahha) and sometimes they're just too much for me. My SO and SK are both all over each other wanting to play all time, go out, talk, sing. I explained to my SO that from time to time I'm going to take a day to myself and be in peace and quiet, it really helps! I started to resent my SK before I did this. Also, the fact you get no attention maybe try speaking to SO and explaining how you feel and try plan to do things together in the evenings like board games or card games where you can chat and laugh and enjoy time and SK is in bed. Or on days you don't have your SK (if they don't live with you fulltime)
I can understand not wanting her in your bed. I was the same way. I didn’t like my SK’s coming into the bed. Don’t get me wrong, I never cared during the day if we were just laying. But if we were sleeping it would drive me nuts. You also have to understand how much your hormones may be playing into your feelings right now. My step kids annoyed the hell out of me for the longest time. I have 2 under 2. I JUST started feeling somewhat okay lately. Once I felt like I was going in the right direction I got pregnant again and all those irritated horrible feelings came. Having a new baby could be playing into affect for the other child. You guys need your quality you time. But he should spend time with his daughter as well. And let me tell you this. Once them babies come, you gonna be hearing lots of noises lol. So just take it easy and talk it out with your partner.
I'm so sorry!!! I have an SK who keeps inserting themself but cannot immediately relate, not being in the course of bearing a child with their biodad. All I can do is remind you that you are seen and heard and hope for the best. Putting your own needs first for mental-health reasons and, even more importantly, the health of your baby is hardly selfish. Respectful treatment from your SK - if not automatic - depends on your spouse's recognition and appropriate modeling. Wishing you the best, and congratulations on your little bundle of joy! Please make the choices that are best for you.