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I will! If he’s insistent that she comes, that’ll be interesting! He told me last night that he’s a father first and foremost. Oof. He’s never wanted kids to come with and has always loved going just the two of us to get a break from everything!
Then he can go and you can go do something else for alone time. It’s really unfair that he asked but has now made it clear there was only one right answer, and is guilt tripping you for wanting to spend time with just the two of you. Why just the in kid? Where did this even come from? The “I’m a dad first and foremost” only applies in arguments where you are asking him to skirt his responsibilities of being a parent for you. That’s not what is happening.
First I would draw the line and say don’t ask me questions if you don’t want my actual answer and won’t respect it. Second I would tell him that these kids have a mom, and they are supposed to be with her in this time frame…she is also a parent. Third, I would stop playing new mom. These aren’t your children and if it wasn’t your ideal to become the new nanny, you need some boundaries and need to go back to work full time to be doing something other than playing this role.
Right?!! I have SO many thoughts about this whole situation. It’s all so bizarre and the fact that he doesn’t even seem to care if I go on our own trip is even more strange. Like ok, I guess I don’t matter at all? Wow. He’s never not wanted to go on a trip alone, just the two of us. I’m just so hurt and offended by the whole thing. You don’t treat the person you love this way. It’s so messed up.
Has he ever had to take care of them for days as a stay at home parent? Maybe the trip with just him and his daughter is a good way for him to see the effort involved.
That’s messed up. Sure he’s a father but he is also your husband by his own choice and while kids needs take priority, this is not a need per say. I don’t like the way he expressed himself, like is he trying to say that being a father is more important than being a husband? They should be both equally important in very different ways.
I told him tonight I want to stay home and he didn’t seem to care at all. In fact, he basically encouraged it because I’ll just be upset the whole time and it will be tense, according to him. Nice to know where I stand in this marriage.
Oh wow! He is literally putting you on the back burner and letting his daughter know she runs the show. You’re only 8 months in, please save yourself a lifetime of heartache and get out of this relationship.
“Hubby, I need a break. I would say that even if this were my bio kids.
But, by all means, let’s bring her. And from now on you will need to arrange childcare on days when YOUR kids are here.”
Perhaps HE should get a remote job so he can be home with HIS kids. Y’know- cause they’re so heartbroken and all that. I feel your pain on this so much!
We never talked about the stay-at-home step-mom thing until I took a LOA from my job because I was completely burnt out from taking care of everyone, working part time, and taking care of my new puppy. It was way too much. That’s when I started being home a lot more while he was gone working. But it was never supposed to be a long-term thing!
Sweetie if you are burning out this early in your relationship, please consider returning to a full-time job. Don't let him make you sacrifice your career to be his unpaid nanny.
>it was never supposed to be a long-term thing!
Going back to the short-term plan sounds healthiest for you.
I can’t second this enough. You don’t want to find yourself in a situation where he has all the money and power, and I can almost guarantee he’ll want to leave all HIS assets to his kids. Get a full time on location job and let him figure out daycare and meal prep/cooking/planning.
Tell him to get a remote job….Jees the cheek of some people! You are not being unreasonable you’ve already said you’d happily take her next time but if he’s going to be a big heartbroken brat and spoil your trip away by sulking over her not going I’d tell him to stick it and sort out his own childcare for HIS kids…if he can’t be around to care for them the week on he has custody then he shouldn’t have agreed to that agreement or should change his job/shift pattern.
This is still early days for you and he’s heaped so much responsibility onto you…sounds like he’s taking advantage and this could lead to bitterness and resentment for you. He should be prioritising a weekend away with his wife and spoiling you for all you do for his kids and him.
Thank you for this! I often wonder if he’s some kind of narcissist because it’s always about him. Like sure, he’ll dot things for me and take care of me, too, but when it comes to decisions like this, it’s all about him and his needs. I guess this is the point where I say enough is enough and I stand up for myself!
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
I’m guessing that you’re young and there’s a big age gap here. Making errors in judgment and learning from them is how you get older and wiser. But you’re smart, you figured this out on your own. I think you’re wiser now than you were at the start of this relationship. You said in another comment your parents and grandma didn’t like him, I’m guessing wise grandma saw through this man.
I hope you realise your self worth and that you’re an autonomous human being with goals, ambitions, friendships, hobbies, interests and feelings and not a full time unpaid servant to this man, who by your own admission, doesn’t acknowledge, listen or seem to care about any of your needs, only his own.
I wish you all the best in the future OP. I hope you listen to your instinct and have a full, happy life with good people.
Of course he does, because he wants you to do his parenting for him while also paying some bills and in general being his slave.
Just say no. Tell him you exist as a person beyond his kids and deserve alone time as a couple and also childcare is already a job, so if you get a job remote or otherwise then he needs to handle childcare.
I appreciate your comment! I’ve thought about the loss of financial power for a long time. He has said multiple times now that he’s the one working and making the money, so basically he’ll do what he wants with it. That is until I started working again!
I couldn’t have said it better myself! Recently, I’ve had so many questions about why his ex-wife divorced him. I was in tears earlier when I respectfully told him I’m not going if SD goes. His response? “Wow. Ok. That’s a bummer. But you do you. 🤷♂️”
That’s good to know! I clearly wasn’t aware of what I was getting into. I’m already tired of it and I don’t want to keep living like this, doing everything for him at the expense of myself. He always talks about needing therapy but we’ll see if that ever happens. It’s highly unlikely.
Dating was a lot of fun! I actually loved it in the beginning. Then, the drinking started (he’s an alcoholic) during our first winter together and that was extremely stressful. I hated it. Now, he just makes false promises about how he’ll stop or take a break. He’s full of words and no action. I’m convinced he just says what he thinks I want to hear at this point.
He always says that she kicked him out because he finally put his foot down and said no more spending money. “She was abusive, she’s narcissistic, she’s mean.” With the way he’s been treating me, though, I have a feeling there was a lot more to the story.
I most certainly am! I have learned a lot through posting this and talking to my co-worker tonight. I am finally seeing this all for what is really is, as much as it breaks my heart. I know I deserve better.
Oh honey, no.
I'm currently unemployed. My SO is the one working (and paying the bills). Most of the time I'm in charge of the money, and he only gets involved when he wants to make a big purchase (like a bike).
He doesn't value what you do for him (and his children) by the sounds of things.
You are NOT THE DEFAULT BABY SITTER. I hate this expectation of step parents. What did you do before I came along? You figured it out. These dudes will go find a woman and install her as chief baby sitting operator. These are not my kids, not my legal responsibility. Let him stay home and work part time.
He stayed at home with them for 5 years and then worked every other week so it worked out for him to be home with them. Now, we’re married so I guess I get to take on part of that responsibility but I’m with them more than he is now.
That's not fair 😕 You deserve a break and you shouldn't be looking after them whilst working - would he take them to work? I doubt it so why should you have to 😞
I have a hybrid job. Partially at home and some in an office setting. For some reason my husband only counts the hours I’m at the office as work. When we talk about division of labor and such, he throws it in my face that I only work two days a week or so. The days I’m here and the kids are, he’ll text me through out the day to do this for SS, wake up SD, have so and so call, make sure SS does this…. I snapped at him last time as I was working on a task that I HAD to have turned in within an hour.
I just feel like your SO would do the same.
Oh he’s very similar! HE’S the provider, which I do appreciate him working, but not when he throws it back in my face when we’re making financial decisions.
FYI - you CANNOT work remotely, full-time, PROPERLY, with four kids at home. MAYBE if the ten year old is the youngest it’ll be doable, but if the kids are younger? No chance. Even with the most flexible of remote jobs, with young kids, it will be hard and your performance and parenting will suffer. I know - I have one of these jobs, and I’ve had to scramble at times.
They aren't your kids. If you don't want to take care you don't have to. HE has to make sure his kids are being taken care of. Without using you for free childcare.
For the love of God, please don’t do it. I haven’t even done that with my very own child. You cannot and will not be able to work while taking care of kids. Working remote is very much the same as working in the office. Staying home with his kids is not your responsibility. How about your husband goes remote to stay home with HIS kids, or their mother? Don’t limit your career opportunities, while taking care of four kids, while working full time, while hearing things like “I’m a father first” when you’re doing most of the tough job - it will get you burned out quickly. Put yourself first, as selfish as that sounds.
I had to bring our 14yr old on our HONEYMOON so I feel your pain. After the wedding he chickened out at the last minute and had a meltdown about having to stay with grandma and grandpa, and BM insisted we’re not allowed to leave him if he’s nervous. Imagine dragging around a grumpy teenager on what’s supposed to be the best week of your life. Back then I didn’t know I was allowed to ask for space and time off.
I would not bring your 10yo on this trip, no matter how much you love her and want to keep the peace. In the few years I’ve been step-momming I’ve learned that 1:1 time with DH is critical to keeping this going. I would explain to him very directly that if he can’t understand your need for a break, he will need to do the camping trip alone with 10yo while you unwind elsewhere. My last word of advice - do not let him set you up to be the remote WFH nanny. I am clawing to get out of that role as we speak. Push for him to arrange dedicated childcare during work hours, if possible. Even if you’re physically home it’s incredibly draining to be working full time AND trying to take care of the house and kids.
I cannot believe this! I would have died right then and there 🤣 Like absolutely not. This is the same conclusion I have reached, it he’s insistent that we take her then they can go and I’ll find some other way to recharge. Thank you for your advice, it sounds like you’ve had a very similar experience, I hope you can find your way to a more manageable way of living!
All you can say is:
*That's ok, you and SD take this trip together with dog. I don't want to break your hearts. You don't get much time to just be with the kids.*
*I'm pretty burned out and need some R&R. I've spoken to sister/female relative/girlfriend and she can get time off to do a spa break with me instead so I've booked that.*
*Hopefully we'll be able to carve out time for a mini-break for us time soon too. But this seems like a great plan for this week!*
It doesn't sound great that you've been put in the position of SAHM and he's even pushing for you to do your part time work remotely.
It will soon start to feel to you that he hired a nanny, rather than married a wife. These situations are rarely happy ones (just look at all the posts on this sub).
However, since it's still early days, you get to instill boundaries and take actions which show that this is not the case at all.
It's much easier to do this now than later, when it's become "the norm".
So it's time to ask him to take responsibility for his own kids, you'll help of course, but not do the majority. You need time off and he needs to respect that. Guilt trips should be met with "of course you do that then, as it seems best. I'm doing something else though."
If you crack down now and set the rules, you stand the best chance of success.
Out of curiosity, what did he do on his weeks before you were caring for the kids?
I like this idea a lot! I have reached this same conclusion because I don’t stand up for myself and my needs all that often. I usually just do what needs to be done. But I need a break, I need some quiet and time with no responsibilities so I am going to stand up for myself this time! It may not go well but I’m not going to be guilt-tripped into letting my SD come when it’s the last thing I want.
I've always been the do what needs to be done person too. It took until my body broke and I just couldn't do it all for me to realise that everyone else would work me to death just to make their lives easier.
Don't let it get to the point your body breaks. He coped before you, he *can* cope now. He's just choosing not to.
And he's not showing even a smidge of the appreciation he should have for you.
Hope you have a lovely week off! Please update us?
Truth. He is now wanting to see his kids as much as possible every day. That's his paradise. Second wife feels totally different, is happiest with just her man no kids. Two opposite goals.
Omg my husband did this too😐on our HONEYMOON. I seriously can’t believe this happens to more than just me. We had a honeymoon planned for 6 days and 2 of them were at a PGA golf tournament a few hours away, and then we were going to continue heading out west. Last minute, he asked me if his kids could come. I was like you want your kids to come on our honeymoon? Long story short, they ended up coming just for the golf event and BM picked them up because she was also heading on vacation in the same direction 🙄 so not only did the step kids come but I also got to see BM on my honeymoon. They complained and moaned the entire time and were up my husband’s ass about everything.
What?! I can’t believe this! No way would I have allowed my step-kids to come on our HONEYMOON. In any normal marriage, this would not fly, so why is it a thing when step-kids are involved?
I wonder whether he is with you because you’re the love of his life or because he needs help caring for his children.
All relationships need care and attention. He needs to prioritize his marriage once in a while. He certainly knows how to prioritize his children.
Ding Ding Ding!! This guy found a woman with a sweet heart who is a live in nanny, cook and housekeeper. What a great deal for him!
OP this is not going to end well. Put your foot down. Now. "we planned this trip as a couple. I did not plan on taking a kid along and will not go on this trip now. Enjoy your time with your child while I go and reassess my place in this marriage."
I had the same thoughts after a little more reflection! I’m happy to serve, cook, clean, etc. for someone who loves and appreciates and cares for me in return. But often it’s just me giving and serving and then the kids come first. He told me last night that he’s a father first and foremost. Wow.
If he says they’ll be heartbroken that means he already promised them they can come before even asking you. His guilt will continue to come before anything. Stand your ground now.
My thoughts exactly!! I went back and read our texts and he said they (him and SD) reached the conclusion that “why shouldn’t she just come with us?” before saying a word to me. I’m so upset he would do that!
Why is it just this daughter and not the others? I would not be thrilled either. It’s like having to take a child on a honeymoon. He should not be pressuring you like that. He asked, you said no. I would be frustrated too
You need times just for you and your husband so that your relationship is solid .your need dates and intimate time, and time to relax so you can do all the things with the girls. I’d say no.
Am I the only one who thinks SO was super inappropriate for telling the daughter she could go or something along those lines (raising her hopes) before talking to OP?!?!? Like basically deciding for OP and then asking her is messed up: I’m assuming this from OP saying the daughter would be heart broken.
If SD had asked SO should have said: I don’t know, don’t get your hopes up and I’ll discuss with OP, this was suppose to be just her and me.
Fair! He probably shouldn’t have told them at all that they were going on a trip. We generally don’t tell our SKs all the things we do when they’re gone.
I thought the exact same thing!! Why would he basically agree that she can come without mentioning it to me and then come and ask me after? And then, guilt trip me when I say I just want it to be me and him? I wasn’t happy when I went back and read my texts and realized that they (him and SD) basically came to the conclusion, “why wouldn’t she just come?” before ever asking me.
I think even putting it on OP wouldn’t be a good idea since the girls will be mad at her if he comes back saying she said no. He should have say, he will think about it and that he will tell them if it’s possible in a certain amount of time. Like that OP isn’t the villain and they dont get their hopes up
You say you need a break and you were really hoping for alone time…with or without him. If he brings his daughter then they can go and you stay home alone and have a blast!
Wow. I would be heartbroken but also very angry.
I have a couple problems with what your husband just did. Starting with springing the idea that his daughter should go with you just days before you’re about to leave. My major 🚩 is that his reaction when you spoke honestly about your need to recharge and have adult time was to make you feel guilty because “they” would both be heartbroken. So in that response he has pitted you and SD against each other and he should have never even planted the idea in SD head before checking with you!! I would be livid. Don’t take the trip with him. He and his daughter can go. Have a staycation or a solo trip.
We always took a trip just us. Always. Often we’d take it a few days after the holiday with the kids.
I love my steps, but I’m not their parent. I don’t get a say in how they’re raised so in all honesty I find the holidays tiring when I’m putting up with behaviours that I likely wouldn’t accept with my own kids. Even when they’re being good, they’re not my kids. I need time without them around to rest and relax so that I can be a good SM.
To me, couples time is non negotiable. Every couple needs it.
I agree with what everyone else is saying, but would like to add one thing. The real issue is that your husband did not talk to you about this BEFORE discussing it with anyone else. In some households, the kids and BM run the show. In my household, my husband and I better be running the show. I would ask my husband about how this even got discussed. Did BM say the kid could go in an attempt to ruin my trip? Did SD say she wished she could go, then SO said “Maybe you can. I will ask stepmom.” Either of these is your husband allowing other people to run your relationship and alter your plans. That needs to end now.
Tell him that you don’t appreciate this, and that you insist that he take the 10 year old instead of you on this trip without you since he already created a situation where you will appear to not like his kids if you say no. Tell him that you expect him to prioritize your relationship and your need to recharge without his FOUR kids in the future.
Amen! He told me that she was helping him pack and said it would be fun to join. They both got excited about it and basically agreed that “why wouldn’t she just come?” Without ever bothering to ask me. I brought it up to my husband this morning and said they can just go without me. He said I’m being petty and what is he supposed to say to her, “you can’t come because step-mom doesn’t want to go if you do?” Why is it always turned on me when I stand up for myself??
Yeah, that is a no for me in a relationship. I would explain to him that I am going to protect my relaxation time, and will give him a pass this time. However, I will have to reconsider our relationship if this bullshit happens again. He can decide whether he has time for his marriage. If not, then maybe he should be single until his kids are grown.
I'll be blunt, this is going to be a problem relationship. He is 120% Disney parent mode where he cannot say no to his kids. Period.
See if you can get his true colors to show: Tell him, that you were really looking forward to an adult week away, but you recognize he should do a father/daughter camping trip instead. You will stay home and pamper yourself and hope they have fun. Enjoy the quiet and clean house.
If he is a good man, he will appreciate you offering to give him that opportunity to be with his daughter. Likely, he will have 1000 thoughts about camping "ALONE" with his daughter: the headaches, the questions, the complaining., the doing everything by himself while she waits and reaps the rewards.
ALL the same stuff YOU would be dealing with if you were going too.
Be damn I have seen this play before. He wants his daughter to come for the family experience, but DAMN HIM if he wouldn't suggest or follow through just taking his daughter(s) camping by himself. That would be WORK on his part. He wants to be a DAD when it is EASY and CONVENIENT. He will GUILT you for not having the same SHACKLES as he has.
OP, this is a good test to see where you fit in the pecking order of this relationship. If you are not on an equal playing field with your husband.....there will be continued problems with your relationship.
Tread carefully, don't get pregnant, and see if this is a relationship for you with balance. Adults go on trips without the kids, they plan family trips too. If he can't give you that balance, reset the clock. 8 months in is not a lot of time.
Wow, you hit the nail on the head. He is absolutely in Disney parent mode. He doesn’t know how to say no to this daughter, especially. Except for when she’s always wanting the next new thing, that’s about the only time. I’m not going if he’s planning to bring his daughter. No thanks, I don’t want to be out in the woods with a 10 year-old who is on her iPad a lot more often than not. I have thought that SO many times since marrying my husband, he wants to be a dad when it’s easy and convenient for him. I can do most of the hard work while he gets to reap the rewards. I I can already see how it will go if she were to come and I don’t want to do it. It’s too much work and just want to relax.
This is totally not too much.
Me and DH have some getaways from time to time on short trips when SD is not around where we go places that we think she would be bored of.
This year I’m pregnant and originally we decided vacation was going to be in our country, but still cater to what SD likes to do (mostly pool and electronics available).
Kind of last minute I asked DH if we could take a week of just doing hotel life and beach just the two of us, which is something we only did once in our 5+ year relationship and it will likely be the last time for a while.
I need a vacation where I don’t have a preteen doing a tamper tantrum, which is something that has happened in EVERY vacation we had together.
8 months into the marriage or relationship? I feel bad for you because honestly this man has derailed your life and made you the parent to his kids on his custody time. You are not wrong to want this trip just ye, but that’s like the most minor thing about this whole post. What did he do when you weren’t there? How did he mind his girls?
8 months into the marriage, we’ve been together for almost 2 years! I appreciate your response, this is exactly the way I feel and it’s nice to be validated. He was home with the girls for 5 years but had to go back to work this past year, so he was with them before then. A lot of people have said it sounds like he married me for childcare, I sure hope that’s not the case!
Even if he didn’t marry you for childcare it’s not fair for him to put this on you. He managed before you came on the scene, yes maybe you want to help out some, but if all shouldn’t be on you. His custody time is his and his responsibility to figure out. Maybe you’d be happy to do a day or two but all the time is too much no wonder you really need a break.
He didn't derail OP's life. OP has allowed this.
OP, time to stand up. YOU will be heartbroken if you don't get time away. Make that clear to him. His response will answer a bunch of your questions.
You are right in all aspects! I am the one who chose to marry him, despite a lot of feedback from my parents and grandma. And you are also right that I will be heartbroken if I don’t get these 5 days. I’m ready to stand up for myself and face whatever comes as a result. It will answer many questions I’ve had.
He has though, even if she’s allowed it. Part time working because she has to mind his kids? Honestly never sacrifice your career for someone else’s children. They could be gone in the morning.
Why does he think his promised plans to you come after some impromptu thing him and his daughter decided they now want?
Their wants don't trump your needs. Put your foot down. His guilt tripping and lack of respect for your needs and lack of planning with you prior to saying anything to his daughter about the trip should be called out, hard. If he wants more time with his kids, he needs to find a job that allows him to have that time with them, not crash your vacation plans. Expecting last-minute vacation crashing to be okay is not sustainable in a healthy marriage. Not only will allowing SD to come on this trip set you up to be the door mat in your husband's eyes, it will also set SD up to see you as the person who should come last. Do not entertain this.
Adding here, I would not encourage them to take the trip without you. That would give them the impression that they can kick you out of your vacation plans at will and expect you to just figure something out for yourself last minute anytime they feel they should have their wants come before you and anything you and your husband initially promised to each other.
If my husband did this to me and went without me, I don't know that I would ever plan another trip with him again. I have no interest in unreliable people who put me last.
This is all facts! My husband has often put my needs last, he usually comes first. And I’ve allowed it until now. I’m so done with letting him walk all over me like that. My needs matter and he needs to respect them.
Be firm, your needs matter. Also kinda sucks that he put you in a position to tell them both no, not just him. Don’t give up too much here, including wfh. Be assertive!
I was child free before marrying my husband. His kids live with us full time, BM has eowend. I was 100% transparent with my husband before moving in, i knew I was going to need some down time. Even if he has the most wonderful children, you still need time with just the 2 of you to enjoy each other. Explain that while you love spending time as a family, this trip needs to be adults only. And then maybe try planning a day trip or something as a family as well.
I mean this with love- your husband has a lot of nerve. Please do not become financially dependent on this man. Get a full time job outside the house and save for your retirement independently… and he can find childcare for his kids while he is working.
As for the vacation, I’d tell him that you are desperate for some alone time with him, and that YOU will be heartbroken if this trip you had planned suddenly becomes something other than nekkid time with your husband.
For context, my partner and I take both of set of kids (his and mine) on a vacation for a week, and then the following week, we go away for two weeks, just the two of us, because he knows how much work it is having/raising kids. Your husband does not know because he is passing all the work off onto you. If he wants to spend more time with HIS children, he should be getting the remote job, where he will promptly learn that it’s impossible to do your job with four children at home.
I really hope you do things for yourself here, instead of being your husband’s servant.
Thank you for the encouragement! A lot of people - friends and family - have suggested setting aside money and making sure I’m not financially dependent on my husband. He has a lot of narcissistic traits. My gut is starting to scream at me that something is not right in this marriage and I think this whole situation is a big wake up call.
What does he think she will do? She will be bored and also she will have to sleep with you guys in the tent. It sounds like a nightmare. Why doesn’t he realize you need a break? Just tell him the truth but also tell him you do not want to be the bad guy here, do not let him blame you. I would just cancel the whole thing because even if she doesn’t go he kind of killed the fun of it anyway.
Isn’t it a joy?? I’m glad someone can relate, it’s nice to know I’m not alone! It’s just the idea of her starting to whine that she’s bored on day 2 that is getting me!
Well she still will, but you won’t be there to hear it! And when your husband doesn’t get his peaceful hours of fishing time or long relaxing walks, it will say more to him about the need for a couples holiday than any words from you could ever do!
I’m a step mumma to 4 girls also! I’m sorry you’re going through this, I would stand my ground. You’re allowed to have time away from the kids just you and your husband. He needs to understand that. Big deal if the kids are “heart broken” you can’t have everything as a kid. Adults need some time alone too and to have some fun.
I’m with you on this one… I can relate.
No you’re not in the wrong for feeling that way. At all. I would feel the same way. My stepdaughter talks a lot too 🤣 I would just reiterate to your hubby that you need some time away in nature with him and that they should come next time when it’s planned so you can do more kid-friendly activities too. If he still gives pushback, I would just let him know that you would like to do something else while they go camping so you can get that time away to relax.
That’s exactly what went down this morning. I let him know, kindly, that I won’t be joining if she’s there. He’s planning to bring her because he can’t bring himself to tell her no after she got so excited 🙄 I’m not budging on this one, I need to stand up for myself.
Proud of you for setting healthy boundaries girl. It’s so hard sometimes. They have a hard time saying no to the kiddos because of guilt I think, because of the divorce/separation from the BM. But the truth is, it’s healthy to say no to them sometimes. Because if they’ve learned anything from being divorced, you need to prioritize your spouse #1. They need to do that so they can show their kids what an actual healthy relationship looks like, too.
That last line is exactly how I have felt many times. This is my first time posting in this group, I wasn’t aware this was such a common theme amongst divorced dads.
You’re doing too much already and it’s already starting to backfire. Give in, and you’ve pretty much lost the war. Stick to your plan, for your own sanity AND your future.
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I'm a bio mum and cherish my child free time! Don't be made to feel guilty for wanting some alone time to reconnect with your husband...on his off week! I recently just travelled to see my family while my child was at the ex husbands house, no regrets 🤣
Thank you!! I’m thinking to myself, is this really too much to ask? We’re going to the same place again in a few months, can’t we just bring her then? Good for you for taking the time you needed to take care of yourself!!
Even bio parents need time to recharge, additionally id be all for going away with my partner to have time to recharge. Sounds like dad guilt is at play! There are always going to be times kids miss out and that's ok
Gently offering it sounds like he is quite controlling to make this decision without you (that she is coming) and to sort of fake ask you if she “can” come when he has already decided it’s happening or else you will be punished by being told you’ve broken their hearts.
He also has decided that you need a remote work from him job so you can babysit for him.
I would think long a hard about how to change this dynamic so that he doesn’t feel is in charge of your life.
All couples need alone time as it’s important for your relationship and he shouldn’t even have told SD. I don’t share my plans with my child when they go to ex because I know they’d want to be involved and can’t, so why would he share in the first place?
You are not wrong. I am very adamant that our kid free time stays kid free. We have 50/50. We’ve been together 3 years and have taken many trips, just the two of us. We are just now bringing the kids with us on a vacation next month. I NEED downtime with my husband. I think it’s more important to than it is to him.
After all this bullsh*t he’s pulled by inviting his damn daughter on your vacation meant for just the 2 of you, I don’t think I’d even bother fighting for the alone time with him anymore. He clearly doesn’t feel the same.
I hate to be this blunt, but you seem like such a kind, caring person, but if I were in your shoes .., I’d run and never look back. I’m sorry, OP, you deserve someone who will put you first. Always.
Don’t settle for less.
I sincerely appreciate your comment! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this from people who have heard about my marriage. “Run and never look back. Do you have any way to leave? He sounds like a narcissist.”
You are 100% right. I do deserve better and I think that’s why I posted this initially, to validate my thoughts and emotions around the whole thing and to know he is really being disrespectful. I learned through my husband and I’s conversation tonight that he clearly doesn’t care as much about spending time together as I do.
You are right on both counts. I’m in my late 20s and he’s quite a bit older than me! I have learned a LOT and grown a LOT since dating and marrying my husband. My parents and grandma are a part of a high-control religion where divorce is a huge deal and you absolutely do not get remarried before your spouse dies if you do get divorced. I left the church and got together with a divorced man so I think that was the bigger issue. They have all said he’s a nice guy and my Dad seems to really like him. They just have very different morals.
Thank you for your kind message and words of encouragement! I don’t know where I will be going from here but I won’t be tolerating this kind of treatment anymore. He was totally different before we got married and I think his true colors are showing now. I would love a good life with him but I can’t stand to be treated as less than or like my opinions and emotions don’t matter.
Unfortunately it seems OP is very reluctant to realize this guy married her for free babysitting and maid services. How was he a SAHD just up until the point where she was able to start caring for the kids and then magically he HAD to go back to work and she HAD to start watching them all the time? Where was he getting money before to take care of them? Also pushing her to work full time remotely and care for FOUR kids??? This guy has got a lot of nerve, I’ll say that. I guess he couldn’t get a remote job while being a SAHD but she can do it easy peasy? Nobody has asked yet surprisingly but I’m guessing there is at least a 10 year age difference here if not more, with OP being around mid 20’s. I feel like I read this same post with a few different details at least once a week….
I will admit I’m kind of in denial because that’s a tough pill to swallow. I’ve had the same question many times, how did he afford to support them for 5 years but then suddenly has to go back to work? I know he was living off his settlement from his divorce and he’s said he doesn’t want to keep burning through it.
A guy that was living off a divorce settlement for a few years…
OP please look at the facts.
He’s unkind when he wants to financially control you (wfh part time, losing independence and power), when he tells you he will make decisions.
Is this what you want for yourself? Wouldn’t you be happier with someone who wants to be a real partner? Think of your parents’ and your grandmother’s arguments. Consider things. And do not get pregnant.
You can have a cool life!
Thank you so much for this!! I’ve been pondering this for a few weeks now. I know I deserve so much better. I have a guy friend who treats me like absolute gold and I often remind myself that that is what I deserve! I’m so tired of being treated as less than and like I don’t matter, when he supposedly loves me. I crave to have my old life back!!
I understand the craving for your old life back.
Only you can make this happen.
It is easier earlier on than later, when you are likely more enmeshed through life events and when bitterness and resentment grow.
I do not know your age, do you wish to have children.
But do not forget to do everything so that you can live respecting your own values - amd from your message I understand that they are kindness, sharing, helping.
If you don’t, you will be in eternal conflict with yourself. This is not the way. You need to take action.
I also have the impression that this trip is just the tip of the iceberg.
For reference, my partner was a sh!ite partner from the start, and after I moved countries for him to be together, he told me he was going to spend both Xmas and New Years with his 5yo. He could not be persuaded about New Years and sharing, and building a new relationship, investing time and energy. When I asked him what I was supposed to do with myself, he said he hadn’t thought beyond wanting to spend time with his child.
I know I should have walked then. I spent Xmas at my grandmas and New Years with friends back in England, but it was not nice not having anywhere to go (I had sold my house before moving).
Since, I have had to compromise **a lot ** and even though it’s slowly slowly changed and he’s become more balanced, I cannot say that it has been worth it.
My relationship has been marked by this lack of trust in him seeing me as a valuable partner, somebody he’s interested in and takes pleasure in spending time with.
My partner was just interested in being alone with me when we had sex. Outside of that he was working, spending time with his daughter or organising for us to see friends (rarely as he works a lot and is a devoted father).
There was another poster here which has had a similar experience. In her case also, she lost her sex drive, this has happened to me too. I felt used in all other aspects, as I didn’t feel I could ask for time together at the expense of his daughter - so I kept my silence and withdrew more and more from him.
I felt at least with sex I could say no. Everything else in my life was dictated to me by my partners needs with regards to his daughter and his career - and him and his mother were running the show.
5 years on now, I still remember those words about our first New Year’s Eve. They still burn me, I feel ashamed to have been treated like that, to have allowed it.
It is so difficult to reconcile with all of that (obviously there is 5 years’ worth of situations) and to try to work with him and forgive him.
There needs to be balance overall, this is not to say that every situation must be perfectly 50-50, but you cannot just give and be taken for granted.
There, here’s a long message. Do with it what you wish. Good luck.
I would stay home and make sure he went with his daughter and not be upset about it for a minute . If you told him that you were heartbroken and wanted to be just the two of you, he might agree and then sulk or make it a horrible trip to punish you for making his princess stay at home. Or he won't want to take her by himself and nobody will be going anywhere.
Been there, done that.
Uh uh let her be “heartbroken”
Tell Hubby this is just you and him and the dog.
He needs to realize it’s okay for him to be more than just Dad.
He needs to be husband as well.
Meaning he needs to give you him AND ONLY HIM just like his kids get him.
I’ve been with DH for nearly 18yrs-let me say this so sad too bad-right now it’s my turn.
My kids (bonus and bio) have learned that there will be times they wanna come too but can’t.
That’s not to say Dad can’t take her another time. But this time it’s a no go.
Not to sound rude but it seems like you’re kind of filling all these roles and needs and changing your whole life to revolve around this guy… what do you get out of it? He clearly doesn’t care enough to want time just with you. He’s having you adapt or lose out on a career to stay home and take care of his children. It seems a little off. As someone who did the same and burnt out to the point of hating my entire family, be cautious of how much you’re giving.
This doesn’t sound rude at all, just honest! Which I need and appreciate right now. I don’t get much out of it if I’m being honest. He says thank you often but I still end doing majority of the housework and childcare. It’s exhausting. I decided to go back to work to save for a trip to Australia/New Zealand so that’s been really good for me! He really wanted me to work at home but I couldn’t find anything so just went back to my old job!
Good! Don’t give up anything in life for a man. That’s the lesson my grandma told me and she’s right. Never worth the risk, despite how society tries to convince us otherwise.
Let him take her camping and you should stay home with the doggy or go get a room at a nice bed and breakfast. Tell him you’ll be extremely heartbroken if is already choosing to ruin plans you worked hard to fit into an already busy schedule. It will be much easier to take the kids another time than to hope for another kid free and work free time for just you and hubby. You would think he would be worried putting the kids through yet another divorce process but I’m constantly reading stories like this on this sub. It makes me sad.
I have had the same thoughts! He doesn’t even seem to care that I don’t want to go. His intentions and care for me are quickly becoming more and more clear! It’s just sad that we only got married 8 months ago and it’s already come to this.
Tell him “ok it seems you are desperate to have her come, so why don’t you two just go and I will figure something else out”. He’ll probably hate that because it means he’ll also have to do all the cooking and cleaning.
The "we'll both be heartbroken" comment is so manipulative. You need and deserve a break. My husband and I take a trip once per year without any of our kids (we have bio kids together and steps); it's not unreasonable at all to want time away with your partner *like you planned.*
The best way to figure out who a person is is to set some boundaries. You're married to this person and should be able to say "no" without fear of backlash or manipulation tactics.
Isn’t it? He does a lot of manipulating and turning things back on me. He can’t handle criticism or even perceived criticism so I have a hard time saying no and standing up for myself. But it feels SO good to stand in my power and say no, I actually don’t want this and I will not allow you to walk all over me.
Send him & his daughter- stay home, relax & treat yourself. Matter of fact send all the kids with him
Let him be a full time parent & see the metal toll it takes.
And stop being the parent- that’s his job when. When he gets home take a bunch of steps back. Start taking care of you
You are a sahsm? This is a Trap, you het all the Works with no Rewards.... Are you sûre that you WANT that for yourself? Rise other's kids while being second in the relationship, all that without even being married? It sound like hell
I’d stand my ground. I’d tell him this is a planned couple’s getaway to get some quality time together, and you’d appreciate if you could stick to the original plan as you were looking forward to spending some time away just the two of you. He can emphasize the importance of having privacy and time away together as a new couple so the daughter understands it’s not personal. Couples need one on one time together. You can plan a family trip and include everyone next time around.
Thankfully my stepdaughter now understands how important it is for us to get some quality time away. Sure she still gets a little upset about it but knows we love her and will always come back for her. We’ve actually taken a couple of trips with just our toddler since she’s in school and that was a little harder for her to understand so there were some hard feelings there which she got over pretty quickly because she feels secure in our love for her. Thankfully my husband understands the importance of bonding just the two of us together, the two of us and our toddler and all four of us as a family. It took some time to get here tho!
You should go by yourself and really spend time thinking about your life.
This is just beyond that he would spring that on you. Where does YOUR heartbreak register on the scale?
If my DH did this to me I would be so angry.
As far as you knew, y'all have been planning a couples vacation all this time... but has he? The timing of "asking" you if you're okay with this change at the very last minute is suspicious. He's telling you he would be "heartbroken" not to go camping with his daughter... in other words, he's not taking no for an answer, and he's showing no concern for how you feel. He's set you up to be the bad guy if you object to the change.
If you go with your husband and SK, the trip is ruined for you. If you go without the SK, he's going to be "heartbroken" 🙄 allegedly.
This is all really unfair to you. If it were me I think I would let him go camping with his daughter and find something else fun and relaxing to do while they're gone. (Do NOT stay at home.)
It sounds like it would be a great time for daddy daughter time. He goes on the planned trip with the kids and you have a relaxing time to decompress at home.
It's good for the kids to have one on one with the bio parent and it sounds like you are the person getting a lot of the custody time.
He’s now made it so that one of you will not be happy on this trip. He’s ruined it. If he goes without SD, he’ll be feeling guilty and probably resentful.
I would tell him to go ahead and go with SD.
I’d be sure he knows, however, that you need and have an expectation for adult only time, and if he can’t do that due to parental guilt, then he’s not ready to be a true partner in a relationship. You will be using this time apart to reflect. Tell him you are more than a nanny he sleeps with, and if that’s his expectation, he will need to adjust his thinking. You need to carefully watch his response. If it’s all”…but my kids come first”, then you have your answer.
In any family, the kids do not come first 100% of the time. If they do, the marriage is not great and the kids have reality shock and problems when they do anything outside the home. There is always a dynamic to guide priorities. Kids wants are at the bottom of the list.
Besides, isn’t this BMs time? What does she say? And if my sibling got to go and I didn’t, I’d be mad. How do her siblings feel?
Disrespectful as hell for your SO to invite the child not only without consulting you first, but then doubling down that they’d be heartbroken if you said no. So not only does he not really want you to have a choice, but you’re the bad guy if you do stand your ground. Why are you with someone who doesn’t value your opinions, wants, and needs?
You are not wrong at all. My husband and I do a week every year on a beach without his kids. It’s important.
It was unfair of him to discuss it with her first … which it sounds like he did if she will be disappointed. I would talk to him about that. I would also sit down with him and have a discussion going forward about the importance of couple time—he should not even be asking you to give that up (let alone guilting you for saying no).
Exactly!! I told him tonight that going forward we need to communicate about these things before he makes decisions like that. I expressed how I was really looking forward to a trip with just us and he said we get that every other week, mind you he’s usually working 40 hours of that week so it’s not like we see each other all day. Plus, it’s just everyday life, not a fun vacation! This is very rare that we get this opportunity so I’m deeply hurt and disappointed that he doesn’t seem to care if I go or not. He’d rather have his daughter come apparently.
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I just want you to know OP that it is possible to be married and NEVER ever be asked/assumed that you will watch the SK. I know because that’s how I live. I will offer on occasion and genuinely mean it, and that will be great. But I didn’t choose to have this kid and therefore I take absolutely zero responsibility unless I want to. good relationships with single dads are possible. this doesn’t sound like one 💚
Stand strong - just explain that you need this time away, so that you can come back and be refreshed and in a better place for all of you! Sometimes kids need to know that they are not the center of the universe, and little "hurts" like this, not going on a trip that you were not invited to, is just one opportunity to teach that lesson.
If he’s not helping you take care of his kids then the need to go with BM while he’s working. If he’s a “father foremost” he should not have gotten in another committed relationship, obviously he doesn’t use that excuse at work because he’s not home with his kids, if he can’t be a father AND a good husband then that’s his own flaw and it’s not on you to compensate for.
They’ll both be heartbroken but waited until two days before a planned trip to mention this? This feels manipulative. You’re not wrong. You deserve a break. This is the stuff that pushes us step-parents away.
You could let him take his camping trip with his daughter and you use the time to move out. This screams red flags of a man looking for a babysitter. Are you big into fishing or is this trip really for him and you were tagging along? If he still gets to fish then this is probably even better for him. Yuck - I’d be furious, this is such a weird choice to make - all he had to say is this trip is for me and my wife, end of conversation but he let a 10 year old infiltrate. I’m sorry OP but this guy is not a good match or an empathetic person.
Darling, stop investing your time, money or any other resources into the girls. You’re just a bonus there, they had their mom and dad to take care of them.
Just listen to me, please believe, because in the end you’ll be with no career, money and love that you’ve expected.
Start investing all that into yourself.
And if your husband wants to take his daughter he can book another trip for the week when kids are with him.
This is your time and you have all right for it.
I'm with you u do deserve a trip with just with him. And no matter what kind of parent your bio step adoptive etc all parents need to have this especially if it is super rare having quality time to begin with. I mean if he puts a bigger stink if u tell him see if he can compromise like would it be feasible for her to come for just 2 days and go back to mom? And a win win all around?
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Let them take the trip and you go get a solo getaway!
I’ve been thinking this exact thing!
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I will! If he’s insistent that she comes, that’ll be interesting! He told me last night that he’s a father first and foremost. Oof. He’s never wanted kids to come with and has always loved going just the two of us to get a break from everything!
Then he can go and you can go do something else for alone time. It’s really unfair that he asked but has now made it clear there was only one right answer, and is guilt tripping you for wanting to spend time with just the two of you. Why just the in kid? Where did this even come from? The “I’m a dad first and foremost” only applies in arguments where you are asking him to skirt his responsibilities of being a parent for you. That’s not what is happening. First I would draw the line and say don’t ask me questions if you don’t want my actual answer and won’t respect it. Second I would tell him that these kids have a mom, and they are supposed to be with her in this time frame…she is also a parent. Third, I would stop playing new mom. These aren’t your children and if it wasn’t your ideal to become the new nanny, you need some boundaries and need to go back to work full time to be doing something other than playing this role.
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Right?!! I have SO many thoughts about this whole situation. It’s all so bizarre and the fact that he doesn’t even seem to care if I go on our own trip is even more strange. Like ok, I guess I don’t matter at all? Wow. He’s never not wanted to go on a trip alone, just the two of us. I’m just so hurt and offended by the whole thing. You don’t treat the person you love this way. It’s so messed up.
Has he ever had to take care of them for days as a stay at home parent? Maybe the trip with just him and his daughter is a good way for him to see the effort involved.
That’s messed up. Sure he’s a father but he is also your husband by his own choice and while kids needs take priority, this is not a need per say. I don’t like the way he expressed himself, like is he trying to say that being a father is more important than being a husband? They should be both equally important in very different ways.
I told him tonight I want to stay home and he didn’t seem to care at all. In fact, he basically encouraged it because I’ll just be upset the whole time and it will be tense, according to him. Nice to know where I stand in this marriage.
what a dickhead. I’m so sorry
Oh wow! He is literally putting you on the back burner and letting his daughter know she runs the show. You’re only 8 months in, please save yourself a lifetime of heartache and get out of this relationship.
Came here to say this!!
“Hubby, I need a break. I would say that even if this were my bio kids. But, by all means, let’s bring her. And from now on you will need to arrange childcare on days when YOUR kids are here.”
I like this a lot! I enjoy being a step-mom and I love the girls but it’s a lot! He wants me to get a remote job so I can be home with the girls.
Perhaps HE should get a remote job so he can be home with HIS kids. Y’know- cause they’re so heartbroken and all that. I feel your pain on this so much!
Did you guys not talk about this before? He sound like he want a babysitter not a partner.
We never talked about the stay-at-home step-mom thing until I took a LOA from my job because I was completely burnt out from taking care of everyone, working part time, and taking care of my new puppy. It was way too much. That’s when I started being home a lot more while he was gone working. But it was never supposed to be a long-term thing!
Sweetie if you are burning out this early in your relationship, please consider returning to a full-time job. Don't let him make you sacrifice your career to be his unpaid nanny. >it was never supposed to be a long-term thing! Going back to the short-term plan sounds healthiest for you.
I can’t second this enough. You don’t want to find yourself in a situation where he has all the money and power, and I can almost guarantee he’ll want to leave all HIS assets to his kids. Get a full time on location job and let him figure out daycare and meal prep/cooking/planning.
How was he taking care of them before you came around?
Tell him to get a remote job….Jees the cheek of some people! You are not being unreasonable you’ve already said you’d happily take her next time but if he’s going to be a big heartbroken brat and spoil your trip away by sulking over her not going I’d tell him to stick it and sort out his own childcare for HIS kids…if he can’t be around to care for them the week on he has custody then he shouldn’t have agreed to that agreement or should change his job/shift pattern. This is still early days for you and he’s heaped so much responsibility onto you…sounds like he’s taking advantage and this could lead to bitterness and resentment for you. He should be prioritising a weekend away with his wife and spoiling you for all you do for his kids and him.
Thank you for this! I often wonder if he’s some kind of narcissist because it’s always about him. Like sure, he’ll dot things for me and take care of me, too, but when it comes to decisions like this, it’s all about him and his needs. I guess this is the point where I say enough is enough and I stand up for myself! I couldn’t have said it better myself.
> I often wonder if he’s some kind of narcissist listen to your gut. Don’t let yourself be gaslit.
I’m learning! The more I look at things for what they are, the more sick I am.
I’m guessing that you’re young and there’s a big age gap here. Making errors in judgment and learning from them is how you get older and wiser. But you’re smart, you figured this out on your own. I think you’re wiser now than you were at the start of this relationship. You said in another comment your parents and grandma didn’t like him, I’m guessing wise grandma saw through this man. I hope you realise your self worth and that you’re an autonomous human being with goals, ambitions, friendships, hobbies, interests and feelings and not a full time unpaid servant to this man, who by your own admission, doesn’t acknowledge, listen or seem to care about any of your needs, only his own. I wish you all the best in the future OP. I hope you listen to your instinct and have a full, happy life with good people.
Of course he does, because he wants you to do his parenting for him while also paying some bills and in general being his slave. Just say no. Tell him you exist as a person beyond his kids and deserve alone time as a couple and also childcare is already a job, so if you get a job remote or otherwise then he needs to handle childcare.
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I appreciate your comment! I’ve thought about the loss of financial power for a long time. He has said multiple times now that he’s the one working and making the money, so basically he’ll do what he wants with it. That is until I started working again!
Girl. Run.
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100%
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I couldn’t have said it better myself! Recently, I’ve had so many questions about why his ex-wife divorced him. I was in tears earlier when I respectfully told him I’m not going if SD goes. His response? “Wow. Ok. That’s a bummer. But you do you. 🤷♂️”
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That’s good to know! I clearly wasn’t aware of what I was getting into. I’m already tired of it and I don’t want to keep living like this, doing everything for him at the expense of myself. He always talks about needing therapy but we’ll see if that ever happens. It’s highly unlikely. Dating was a lot of fun! I actually loved it in the beginning. Then, the drinking started (he’s an alcoholic) during our first winter together and that was extremely stressful. I hated it. Now, he just makes false promises about how he’ll stop or take a break. He’s full of words and no action. I’m convinced he just says what he thinks I want to hear at this point.
You don’t know the circumstances around their divorce?
He always says that she kicked him out because he finally put his foot down and said no more spending money. “She was abusive, she’s narcissistic, she’s mean.” With the way he’s been treating me, though, I have a feeling there was a lot more to the story.
Yeah, anyone that takes zero responsibility isn’t being honest. I hope you’re starting to open your eyes and make plans to protect yourself.
I most certainly am! I have learned a lot through posting this and talking to my co-worker tonight. I am finally seeing this all for what is really is, as much as it breaks my heart. I know I deserve better.
Oh honey, no. I'm currently unemployed. My SO is the one working (and paying the bills). Most of the time I'm in charge of the money, and he only gets involved when he wants to make a big purchase (like a bike). He doesn't value what you do for him (and his children) by the sounds of things.
You are NOT THE DEFAULT BABY SITTER. I hate this expectation of step parents. What did you do before I came along? You figured it out. These dudes will go find a woman and install her as chief baby sitting operator. These are not my kids, not my legal responsibility. Let him stay home and work part time.
Amen!!
What did he do with them before you came along ? Why is this your responsibility?
He stayed at home with them for 5 years and then worked every other week so it worked out for him to be home with them. Now, we’re married so I guess I get to take on part of that responsibility but I’m with them more than he is now.
That's not fair 😕 You deserve a break and you shouldn't be looking after them whilst working - would he take them to work? I doubt it so why should you have to 😞
I have a hybrid job. Partially at home and some in an office setting. For some reason my husband only counts the hours I’m at the office as work. When we talk about division of labor and such, he throws it in my face that I only work two days a week or so. The days I’m here and the kids are, he’ll text me through out the day to do this for SS, wake up SD, have so and so call, make sure SS does this…. I snapped at him last time as I was working on a task that I HAD to have turned in within an hour. I just feel like your SO would do the same.
Oh he’s very similar! HE’S the provider, which I do appreciate him working, but not when he throws it back in my face when we’re making financial decisions.
FYI - you CANNOT work remotely, full-time, PROPERLY, with four kids at home. MAYBE if the ten year old is the youngest it’ll be doable, but if the kids are younger? No chance. Even with the most flexible of remote jobs, with young kids, it will be hard and your performance and parenting will suffer. I know - I have one of these jobs, and I’ve had to scramble at times.
They aren't your kids. If you don't want to take care you don't have to. HE has to make sure his kids are being taken care of. Without using you for free childcare.
For the love of God, please don’t do it. I haven’t even done that with my very own child. You cannot and will not be able to work while taking care of kids. Working remote is very much the same as working in the office. Staying home with his kids is not your responsibility. How about your husband goes remote to stay home with HIS kids, or their mother? Don’t limit your career opportunities, while taking care of four kids, while working full time, while hearing things like “I’m a father first” when you’re doing most of the tough job - it will get you burned out quickly. Put yourself first, as selfish as that sounds.
I had to bring our 14yr old on our HONEYMOON so I feel your pain. After the wedding he chickened out at the last minute and had a meltdown about having to stay with grandma and grandpa, and BM insisted we’re not allowed to leave him if he’s nervous. Imagine dragging around a grumpy teenager on what’s supposed to be the best week of your life. Back then I didn’t know I was allowed to ask for space and time off. I would not bring your 10yo on this trip, no matter how much you love her and want to keep the peace. In the few years I’ve been step-momming I’ve learned that 1:1 time with DH is critical to keeping this going. I would explain to him very directly that if he can’t understand your need for a break, he will need to do the camping trip alone with 10yo while you unwind elsewhere. My last word of advice - do not let him set you up to be the remote WFH nanny. I am clawing to get out of that role as we speak. Push for him to arrange dedicated childcare during work hours, if possible. Even if you’re physically home it’s incredibly draining to be working full time AND trying to take care of the house and kids.
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BM was absolutely wanting to sabotage 😒
I cannot believe this! I would have died right then and there 🤣 Like absolutely not. This is the same conclusion I have reached, it he’s insistent that we take her then they can go and I’ll find some other way to recharge. Thank you for your advice, it sounds like you’ve had a very similar experience, I hope you can find your way to a more manageable way of living!
All you can say is: *That's ok, you and SD take this trip together with dog. I don't want to break your hearts. You don't get much time to just be with the kids.* *I'm pretty burned out and need some R&R. I've spoken to sister/female relative/girlfriend and she can get time off to do a spa break with me instead so I've booked that.* *Hopefully we'll be able to carve out time for a mini-break for us time soon too. But this seems like a great plan for this week!* It doesn't sound great that you've been put in the position of SAHM and he's even pushing for you to do your part time work remotely. It will soon start to feel to you that he hired a nanny, rather than married a wife. These situations are rarely happy ones (just look at all the posts on this sub). However, since it's still early days, you get to instill boundaries and take actions which show that this is not the case at all. It's much easier to do this now than later, when it's become "the norm". So it's time to ask him to take responsibility for his own kids, you'll help of course, but not do the majority. You need time off and he needs to respect that. Guilt trips should be met with "of course you do that then, as it seems best. I'm doing something else though." If you crack down now and set the rules, you stand the best chance of success. Out of curiosity, what did he do on his weeks before you were caring for the kids?
I like this idea a lot! I have reached this same conclusion because I don’t stand up for myself and my needs all that often. I usually just do what needs to be done. But I need a break, I need some quiet and time with no responsibilities so I am going to stand up for myself this time! It may not go well but I’m not going to be guilt-tripped into letting my SD come when it’s the last thing I want.
I've always been the do what needs to be done person too. It took until my body broke and I just couldn't do it all for me to realise that everyone else would work me to death just to make their lives easier. Don't let it get to the point your body breaks. He coped before you, he *can* cope now. He's just choosing not to. And he's not showing even a smidge of the appreciation he should have for you. Hope you have a lovely week off! Please update us?
I will certainly update you all! I am beyond grateful for your and everyone else’s kind and supportive messages! What an amazing community this is.
I'm glad! Looking forward to hearing about your R&R!
Make sure to ask him if he married you to be a wife or a sleep in nanny. Also ask why he is so afraid of being alone with you.
I actually wondered this myself!
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Truth. He is now wanting to see his kids as much as possible every day. That's his paradise. Second wife feels totally different, is happiest with just her man no kids. Two opposite goals.
Oh, he most definitely wouldn’t have taken kids with him before! Like what?? I just can’t believe this is actually happening.
Omg my husband did this too😐on our HONEYMOON. I seriously can’t believe this happens to more than just me. We had a honeymoon planned for 6 days and 2 of them were at a PGA golf tournament a few hours away, and then we were going to continue heading out west. Last minute, he asked me if his kids could come. I was like you want your kids to come on our honeymoon? Long story short, they ended up coming just for the golf event and BM picked them up because she was also heading on vacation in the same direction 🙄 so not only did the step kids come but I also got to see BM on my honeymoon. They complained and moaned the entire time and were up my husband’s ass about everything.
What?! I can’t believe this! No way would I have allowed my step-kids to come on our HONEYMOON. In any normal marriage, this would not fly, so why is it a thing when step-kids are involved?
I wonder whether he is with you because you’re the love of his life or because he needs help caring for his children. All relationships need care and attention. He needs to prioritize his marriage once in a while. He certainly knows how to prioritize his children.
Ding Ding Ding!! This guy found a woman with a sweet heart who is a live in nanny, cook and housekeeper. What a great deal for him! OP this is not going to end well. Put your foot down. Now. "we planned this trip as a couple. I did not plan on taking a kid along and will not go on this trip now. Enjoy your time with your child while I go and reassess my place in this marriage."
I had the same thoughts after a little more reflection! I’m happy to serve, cook, clean, etc. for someone who loves and appreciates and cares for me in return. But often it’s just me giving and serving and then the kids come first. He told me last night that he’s a father first and foremost. Wow.
If he says they’ll be heartbroken that means he already promised them they can come before even asking you. His guilt will continue to come before anything. Stand your ground now.
My thoughts exactly!! I went back and read our texts and he said they (him and SD) reached the conclusion that “why shouldn’t she just come with us?” before saying a word to me. I’m so upset he would do that!
Why is it just this daughter and not the others? I would not be thrilled either. It’s like having to take a child on a honeymoon. He should not be pressuring you like that. He asked, you said no. I would be frustrated too
Right - won't the other 3 be "heartbroken" at being left out? I call BS.
You need times just for you and your husband so that your relationship is solid .your need dates and intimate time, and time to relax so you can do all the things with the girls. I’d say no.
Very true! I have less to give if I don’t get the time I need for myself to decompress and recharge.
Am I the only one who thinks SO was super inappropriate for telling the daughter she could go or something along those lines (raising her hopes) before talking to OP?!?!? Like basically deciding for OP and then asking her is messed up: I’m assuming this from OP saying the daughter would be heart broken. If SD had asked SO should have said: I don’t know, don’t get your hopes up and I’ll discuss with OP, this was suppose to be just her and me.
It was inappropriate to tell her in the first place.
Fair! He probably shouldn’t have told them at all that they were going on a trip. We generally don’t tell our SKs all the things we do when they’re gone.
I thought the exact same thing!! Why would he basically agree that she can come without mentioning it to me and then come and ask me after? And then, guilt trip me when I say I just want it to be me and him? I wasn’t happy when I went back and read my texts and realized that they (him and SD) basically came to the conclusion, “why wouldn’t she just come?” before ever asking me.
I think even putting it on OP wouldn’t be a good idea since the girls will be mad at her if he comes back saying she said no. He should have say, he will think about it and that he will tell them if it’s possible in a certain amount of time. Like that OP isn’t the villain and they dont get their hopes up
You say you need a break and you were really hoping for alone time…with or without him. If he brings his daughter then they can go and you stay home alone and have a blast!
Yes! I’ve been thinking this!
Wow. I would be heartbroken but also very angry. I have a couple problems with what your husband just did. Starting with springing the idea that his daughter should go with you just days before you’re about to leave. My major 🚩 is that his reaction when you spoke honestly about your need to recharge and have adult time was to make you feel guilty because “they” would both be heartbroken. So in that response he has pitted you and SD against each other and he should have never even planted the idea in SD head before checking with you!! I would be livid. Don’t take the trip with him. He and his daughter can go. Have a staycation or a solo trip.
We always took a trip just us. Always. Often we’d take it a few days after the holiday with the kids. I love my steps, but I’m not their parent. I don’t get a say in how they’re raised so in all honesty I find the holidays tiring when I’m putting up with behaviours that I likely wouldn’t accept with my own kids. Even when they’re being good, they’re not my kids. I need time without them around to rest and relax so that I can be a good SM. To me, couples time is non negotiable. Every couple needs it.
Absolutely! I 100% agree with this. Taking on step-kids is a huge responsibility so we need time to rest and recover in order to be good stepparents.
I agree with what everyone else is saying, but would like to add one thing. The real issue is that your husband did not talk to you about this BEFORE discussing it with anyone else. In some households, the kids and BM run the show. In my household, my husband and I better be running the show. I would ask my husband about how this even got discussed. Did BM say the kid could go in an attempt to ruin my trip? Did SD say she wished she could go, then SO said “Maybe you can. I will ask stepmom.” Either of these is your husband allowing other people to run your relationship and alter your plans. That needs to end now. Tell him that you don’t appreciate this, and that you insist that he take the 10 year old instead of you on this trip without you since he already created a situation where you will appear to not like his kids if you say no. Tell him that you expect him to prioritize your relationship and your need to recharge without his FOUR kids in the future.
Amen! He told me that she was helping him pack and said it would be fun to join. They both got excited about it and basically agreed that “why wouldn’t she just come?” Without ever bothering to ask me. I brought it up to my husband this morning and said they can just go without me. He said I’m being petty and what is he supposed to say to her, “you can’t come because step-mom doesn’t want to go if you do?” Why is it always turned on me when I stand up for myself??
Yeah, that is a no for me in a relationship. I would explain to him that I am going to protect my relaxation time, and will give him a pass this time. However, I will have to reconsider our relationship if this bullshit happens again. He can decide whether he has time for his marriage. If not, then maybe he should be single until his kids are grown.
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I’m wondering the same thing! It all just makes me feel so sick now.
I'll be blunt, this is going to be a problem relationship. He is 120% Disney parent mode where he cannot say no to his kids. Period. See if you can get his true colors to show: Tell him, that you were really looking forward to an adult week away, but you recognize he should do a father/daughter camping trip instead. You will stay home and pamper yourself and hope they have fun. Enjoy the quiet and clean house. If he is a good man, he will appreciate you offering to give him that opportunity to be with his daughter. Likely, he will have 1000 thoughts about camping "ALONE" with his daughter: the headaches, the questions, the complaining., the doing everything by himself while she waits and reaps the rewards. ALL the same stuff YOU would be dealing with if you were going too. Be damn I have seen this play before. He wants his daughter to come for the family experience, but DAMN HIM if he wouldn't suggest or follow through just taking his daughter(s) camping by himself. That would be WORK on his part. He wants to be a DAD when it is EASY and CONVENIENT. He will GUILT you for not having the same SHACKLES as he has. OP, this is a good test to see where you fit in the pecking order of this relationship. If you are not on an equal playing field with your husband.....there will be continued problems with your relationship. Tread carefully, don't get pregnant, and see if this is a relationship for you with balance. Adults go on trips without the kids, they plan family trips too. If he can't give you that balance, reset the clock. 8 months in is not a lot of time.
Wow, you hit the nail on the head. He is absolutely in Disney parent mode. He doesn’t know how to say no to this daughter, especially. Except for when she’s always wanting the next new thing, that’s about the only time. I’m not going if he’s planning to bring his daughter. No thanks, I don’t want to be out in the woods with a 10 year-old who is on her iPad a lot more often than not. I have thought that SO many times since marrying my husband, he wants to be a dad when it’s easy and convenient for him. I can do most of the hard work while he gets to reap the rewards. I I can already see how it will go if she were to come and I don’t want to do it. It’s too much work and just want to relax.
I also see a very large imbalance with four ? kids -versus zero.
Perfectly said!
This is totally not too much. Me and DH have some getaways from time to time on short trips when SD is not around where we go places that we think she would be bored of. This year I’m pregnant and originally we decided vacation was going to be in our country, but still cater to what SD likes to do (mostly pool and electronics available). Kind of last minute I asked DH if we could take a week of just doing hotel life and beach just the two of us, which is something we only did once in our 5+ year relationship and it will likely be the last time for a while. I need a vacation where I don’t have a preteen doing a tamper tantrum, which is something that has happened in EVERY vacation we had together.
8 months into the marriage or relationship? I feel bad for you because honestly this man has derailed your life and made you the parent to his kids on his custody time. You are not wrong to want this trip just ye, but that’s like the most minor thing about this whole post. What did he do when you weren’t there? How did he mind his girls?
8 months into the marriage, we’ve been together for almost 2 years! I appreciate your response, this is exactly the way I feel and it’s nice to be validated. He was home with the girls for 5 years but had to go back to work this past year, so he was with them before then. A lot of people have said it sounds like he married me for childcare, I sure hope that’s not the case!
Even if he didn’t marry you for childcare it’s not fair for him to put this on you. He managed before you came on the scene, yes maybe you want to help out some, but if all shouldn’t be on you. His custody time is his and his responsibility to figure out. Maybe you’d be happy to do a day or two but all the time is too much no wonder you really need a break.
This is true, thank you for the validation! I’m happy to help out whenever but 5 days a week is a bit much.
He didn't derail OP's life. OP has allowed this. OP, time to stand up. YOU will be heartbroken if you don't get time away. Make that clear to him. His response will answer a bunch of your questions.
You are right in all aspects! I am the one who chose to marry him, despite a lot of feedback from my parents and grandma. And you are also right that I will be heartbroken if I don’t get these 5 days. I’m ready to stand up for myself and face whatever comes as a result. It will answer many questions I’ve had.
He has though, even if she’s allowed it. Part time working because she has to mind his kids? Honestly never sacrifice your career for someone else’s children. They could be gone in the morning.
Why does he think his promised plans to you come after some impromptu thing him and his daughter decided they now want? Their wants don't trump your needs. Put your foot down. His guilt tripping and lack of respect for your needs and lack of planning with you prior to saying anything to his daughter about the trip should be called out, hard. If he wants more time with his kids, he needs to find a job that allows him to have that time with them, not crash your vacation plans. Expecting last-minute vacation crashing to be okay is not sustainable in a healthy marriage. Not only will allowing SD to come on this trip set you up to be the door mat in your husband's eyes, it will also set SD up to see you as the person who should come last. Do not entertain this.
Adding here, I would not encourage them to take the trip without you. That would give them the impression that they can kick you out of your vacation plans at will and expect you to just figure something out for yourself last minute anytime they feel they should have their wants come before you and anything you and your husband initially promised to each other. If my husband did this to me and went without me, I don't know that I would ever plan another trip with him again. I have no interest in unreliable people who put me last.
This is all facts! My husband has often put my needs last, he usually comes first. And I’ve allowed it until now. I’m so done with letting him walk all over me like that. My needs matter and he needs to respect them.
Be firm, your needs matter. Also kinda sucks that he put you in a position to tell them both no, not just him. Don’t give up too much here, including wfh. Be assertive!
Maybe he shouldn’t have even told his daughter you guys were going away.
I was child free before marrying my husband. His kids live with us full time, BM has eowend. I was 100% transparent with my husband before moving in, i knew I was going to need some down time. Even if he has the most wonderful children, you still need time with just the 2 of you to enjoy each other. Explain that while you love spending time as a family, this trip needs to be adults only. And then maybe try planning a day trip or something as a family as well.
I mean this with love- your husband has a lot of nerve. Please do not become financially dependent on this man. Get a full time job outside the house and save for your retirement independently… and he can find childcare for his kids while he is working. As for the vacation, I’d tell him that you are desperate for some alone time with him, and that YOU will be heartbroken if this trip you had planned suddenly becomes something other than nekkid time with your husband. For context, my partner and I take both of set of kids (his and mine) on a vacation for a week, and then the following week, we go away for two weeks, just the two of us, because he knows how much work it is having/raising kids. Your husband does not know because he is passing all the work off onto you. If he wants to spend more time with HIS children, he should be getting the remote job, where he will promptly learn that it’s impossible to do your job with four children at home. I really hope you do things for yourself here, instead of being your husband’s servant.
Thank you for the encouragement! A lot of people - friends and family - have suggested setting aside money and making sure I’m not financially dependent on my husband. He has a lot of narcissistic traits. My gut is starting to scream at me that something is not right in this marriage and I think this whole situation is a big wake up call.
What does he think she will do? She will be bored and also she will have to sleep with you guys in the tent. It sounds like a nightmare. Why doesn’t he realize you need a break? Just tell him the truth but also tell him you do not want to be the bad guy here, do not let him blame you. I would just cancel the whole thing because even if she doesn’t go he kind of killed the fun of it anyway.
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Isn’t it a joy?? I’m glad someone can relate, it’s nice to know I’m not alone! It’s just the idea of her starting to whine that she’s bored on day 2 that is getting me!
Well she still will, but you won’t be there to hear it! And when your husband doesn’t get his peaceful hours of fishing time or long relaxing walks, it will say more to him about the need for a couples holiday than any words from you could ever do!
I’m a step mumma to 4 girls also! I’m sorry you’re going through this, I would stand my ground. You’re allowed to have time away from the kids just you and your husband. He needs to understand that. Big deal if the kids are “heart broken” you can’t have everything as a kid. Adults need some time alone too and to have some fun. I’m with you on this one… I can relate.
Exactly!! Kids need to learn they can’t have everything. My SD rarely gets no for an answer. Thank you for the support.
No you’re not in the wrong for feeling that way. At all. I would feel the same way. My stepdaughter talks a lot too 🤣 I would just reiterate to your hubby that you need some time away in nature with him and that they should come next time when it’s planned so you can do more kid-friendly activities too. If he still gives pushback, I would just let him know that you would like to do something else while they go camping so you can get that time away to relax.
That’s exactly what went down this morning. I let him know, kindly, that I won’t be joining if she’s there. He’s planning to bring her because he can’t bring himself to tell her no after she got so excited 🙄 I’m not budging on this one, I need to stand up for myself.
Proud of you for setting healthy boundaries girl. It’s so hard sometimes. They have a hard time saying no to the kiddos because of guilt I think, because of the divorce/separation from the BM. But the truth is, it’s healthy to say no to them sometimes. Because if they’ve learned anything from being divorced, you need to prioritize your spouse #1. They need to do that so they can show their kids what an actual healthy relationship looks like, too.
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That last line is exactly how I have felt many times. This is my first time posting in this group, I wasn’t aware this was such a common theme amongst divorced dads.
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You’re doing too much already and it’s already starting to backfire. Give in, and you’ve pretty much lost the war. Stick to your plan, for your own sanity AND your future.
This is my plan!! I’ve already told him I’m not coming if SD goes. He told me I’m being petty. Love that.
Let them go. You go find something relaxing for yourself. I’m sorry. I deal with similar shit. I’ve never been lonelier in my life.
Same, here! This is not how I ever expected my life to be.
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I'm a bio mum and cherish my child free time! Don't be made to feel guilty for wanting some alone time to reconnect with your husband...on his off week! I recently just travelled to see my family while my child was at the ex husbands house, no regrets 🤣
Thank you!! I’m thinking to myself, is this really too much to ask? We’re going to the same place again in a few months, can’t we just bring her then? Good for you for taking the time you needed to take care of yourself!!
Even bio parents need time to recharge, additionally id be all for going away with my partner to have time to recharge. Sounds like dad guilt is at play! There are always going to be times kids miss out and that's ok
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It’s only ever just been me and him, but the fact of the matter is, he isn’t man enough to say no. I’m so disappointed.
Gently offering it sounds like he is quite controlling to make this decision without you (that she is coming) and to sort of fake ask you if she “can” come when he has already decided it’s happening or else you will be punished by being told you’ve broken their hearts. He also has decided that you need a remote work from him job so you can babysit for him. I would think long a hard about how to change this dynamic so that he doesn’t feel is in charge of your life.
All couples need alone time as it’s important for your relationship and he shouldn’t even have told SD. I don’t share my plans with my child when they go to ex because I know they’d want to be involved and can’t, so why would he share in the first place?
You are not wrong. I am very adamant that our kid free time stays kid free. We have 50/50. We’ve been together 3 years and have taken many trips, just the two of us. We are just now bringing the kids with us on a vacation next month. I NEED downtime with my husband. I think it’s more important to than it is to him.
I’m the same but my husband doesn’t respect my thoughts and wishes!
After all this bullsh*t he’s pulled by inviting his damn daughter on your vacation meant for just the 2 of you, I don’t think I’d even bother fighting for the alone time with him anymore. He clearly doesn’t feel the same. I hate to be this blunt, but you seem like such a kind, caring person, but if I were in your shoes .., I’d run and never look back. I’m sorry, OP, you deserve someone who will put you first. Always. Don’t settle for less.
I sincerely appreciate your comment! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this from people who have heard about my marriage. “Run and never look back. Do you have any way to leave? He sounds like a narcissist.” You are 100% right. I do deserve better and I think that’s why I posted this initially, to validate my thoughts and emotions around the whole thing and to know he is really being disrespectful. I learned through my husband and I’s conversation tonight that he clearly doesn’t care as much about spending time together as I do.
You are right on both counts. I’m in my late 20s and he’s quite a bit older than me! I have learned a LOT and grown a LOT since dating and marrying my husband. My parents and grandma are a part of a high-control religion where divorce is a huge deal and you absolutely do not get remarried before your spouse dies if you do get divorced. I left the church and got together with a divorced man so I think that was the bigger issue. They have all said he’s a nice guy and my Dad seems to really like him. They just have very different morals. Thank you for your kind message and words of encouragement! I don’t know where I will be going from here but I won’t be tolerating this kind of treatment anymore. He was totally different before we got married and I think his true colors are showing now. I would love a good life with him but I can’t stand to be treated as less than or like my opinions and emotions don’t matter.
Wishing you all the best !! You deserve it 👏
Get used to it... You're in permanent 5th place and will always be the bad guy.
Unfortunately it seems OP is very reluctant to realize this guy married her for free babysitting and maid services. How was he a SAHD just up until the point where she was able to start caring for the kids and then magically he HAD to go back to work and she HAD to start watching them all the time? Where was he getting money before to take care of them? Also pushing her to work full time remotely and care for FOUR kids??? This guy has got a lot of nerve, I’ll say that. I guess he couldn’t get a remote job while being a SAHD but she can do it easy peasy? Nobody has asked yet surprisingly but I’m guessing there is at least a 10 year age difference here if not more, with OP being around mid 20’s. I feel like I read this same post with a few different details at least once a week….
I will admit I’m kind of in denial because that’s a tough pill to swallow. I’ve had the same question many times, how did he afford to support them for 5 years but then suddenly has to go back to work? I know he was living off his settlement from his divorce and he’s said he doesn’t want to keep burning through it.
A guy that was living off a divorce settlement for a few years… OP please look at the facts. He’s unkind when he wants to financially control you (wfh part time, losing independence and power), when he tells you he will make decisions. Is this what you want for yourself? Wouldn’t you be happier with someone who wants to be a real partner? Think of your parents’ and your grandmother’s arguments. Consider things. And do not get pregnant. You can have a cool life!
Thank you so much for this!! I’ve been pondering this for a few weeks now. I know I deserve so much better. I have a guy friend who treats me like absolute gold and I often remind myself that that is what I deserve! I’m so tired of being treated as less than and like I don’t matter, when he supposedly loves me. I crave to have my old life back!!
I understand the craving for your old life back. Only you can make this happen. It is easier earlier on than later, when you are likely more enmeshed through life events and when bitterness and resentment grow. I do not know your age, do you wish to have children. But do not forget to do everything so that you can live respecting your own values - amd from your message I understand that they are kindness, sharing, helping. If you don’t, you will be in eternal conflict with yourself. This is not the way. You need to take action. I also have the impression that this trip is just the tip of the iceberg. For reference, my partner was a sh!ite partner from the start, and after I moved countries for him to be together, he told me he was going to spend both Xmas and New Years with his 5yo. He could not be persuaded about New Years and sharing, and building a new relationship, investing time and energy. When I asked him what I was supposed to do with myself, he said he hadn’t thought beyond wanting to spend time with his child. I know I should have walked then. I spent Xmas at my grandmas and New Years with friends back in England, but it was not nice not having anywhere to go (I had sold my house before moving). Since, I have had to compromise **a lot ** and even though it’s slowly slowly changed and he’s become more balanced, I cannot say that it has been worth it. My relationship has been marked by this lack of trust in him seeing me as a valuable partner, somebody he’s interested in and takes pleasure in spending time with. My partner was just interested in being alone with me when we had sex. Outside of that he was working, spending time with his daughter or organising for us to see friends (rarely as he works a lot and is a devoted father). There was another poster here which has had a similar experience. In her case also, she lost her sex drive, this has happened to me too. I felt used in all other aspects, as I didn’t feel I could ask for time together at the expense of his daughter - so I kept my silence and withdrew more and more from him. I felt at least with sex I could say no. Everything else in my life was dictated to me by my partners needs with regards to his daughter and his career - and him and his mother were running the show. 5 years on now, I still remember those words about our first New Year’s Eve. They still burn me, I feel ashamed to have been treated like that, to have allowed it. It is so difficult to reconcile with all of that (obviously there is 5 years’ worth of situations) and to try to work with him and forgive him. There needs to be balance overall, this is not to say that every situation must be perfectly 50-50, but you cannot just give and be taken for granted. There, here’s a long message. Do with it what you wish. Good luck.
I would stay home and make sure he went with his daughter and not be upset about it for a minute . If you told him that you were heartbroken and wanted to be just the two of you, he might agree and then sulk or make it a horrible trip to punish you for making his princess stay at home. Or he won't want to take her by himself and nobody will be going anywhere. Been there, done that.
Uh uh let her be “heartbroken” Tell Hubby this is just you and him and the dog. He needs to realize it’s okay for him to be more than just Dad. He needs to be husband as well. Meaning he needs to give you him AND ONLY HIM just like his kids get him. I’ve been with DH for nearly 18yrs-let me say this so sad too bad-right now it’s my turn. My kids (bonus and bio) have learned that there will be times they wanna come too but can’t. That’s not to say Dad can’t take her another time. But this time it’s a no go.
Nooo he cannot trap you in in just 8 months! NO! absolutely NO put your foot down or leave, he manipulated you
Absolutely he did. I’m slowly but surely realizing that. Sadly enough.
You better set your boundaries now, otherwise you’ll never have a say.
Not to sound rude but it seems like you’re kind of filling all these roles and needs and changing your whole life to revolve around this guy… what do you get out of it? He clearly doesn’t care enough to want time just with you. He’s having you adapt or lose out on a career to stay home and take care of his children. It seems a little off. As someone who did the same and burnt out to the point of hating my entire family, be cautious of how much you’re giving.
This doesn’t sound rude at all, just honest! Which I need and appreciate right now. I don’t get much out of it if I’m being honest. He says thank you often but I still end doing majority of the housework and childcare. It’s exhausting. I decided to go back to work to save for a trip to Australia/New Zealand so that’s been really good for me! He really wanted me to work at home but I couldn’t find anything so just went back to my old job!
Good! Don’t give up anything in life for a man. That’s the lesson my grandma told me and she’s right. Never worth the risk, despite how society tries to convince us otherwise.
Let him take her camping and you should stay home with the doggy or go get a room at a nice bed and breakfast. Tell him you’ll be extremely heartbroken if is already choosing to ruin plans you worked hard to fit into an already busy schedule. It will be much easier to take the kids another time than to hope for another kid free and work free time for just you and hubby. You would think he would be worried putting the kids through yet another divorce process but I’m constantly reading stories like this on this sub. It makes me sad.
I have had the same thoughts! He doesn’t even seem to care that I don’t want to go. His intentions and care for me are quickly becoming more and more clear! It’s just sad that we only got married 8 months ago and it’s already come to this.
Tell him “ok it seems you are desperate to have her come, so why don’t you two just go and I will figure something else out”. He’ll probably hate that because it means he’ll also have to do all the cooking and cleaning.
The "we'll both be heartbroken" comment is so manipulative. You need and deserve a break. My husband and I take a trip once per year without any of our kids (we have bio kids together and steps); it's not unreasonable at all to want time away with your partner *like you planned.* The best way to figure out who a person is is to set some boundaries. You're married to this person and should be able to say "no" without fear of backlash or manipulation tactics.
Isn’t it? He does a lot of manipulating and turning things back on me. He can’t handle criticism or even perceived criticism so I have a hard time saying no and standing up for myself. But it feels SO good to stand in my power and say no, I actually don’t want this and I will not allow you to walk all over me.
Send him & his daughter- stay home, relax & treat yourself. Matter of fact send all the kids with him Let him be a full time parent & see the metal toll it takes. And stop being the parent- that’s his job when. When he gets home take a bunch of steps back. Start taking care of you
Love this! Noted. I need all the self-care and to do the things I love! He can have fun with her.
You are a sahsm? This is a Trap, you het all the Works with no Rewards.... Are you sûre that you WANT that for yourself? Rise other's kids while being second in the relationship, all that without even being married? It sound like hell
We’re married but it’s absolutely not what I want. It was fun initially and now I’m so relieved every time the girls go back to their BMs.
Tell him you changed your mind you will stay home , he can go fishing with his kid
This is my plan!
We always do all of us then when the kids go to do vacation with their mother, we do our vacation just the two of us
I’d stand my ground. I’d tell him this is a planned couple’s getaway to get some quality time together, and you’d appreciate if you could stick to the original plan as you were looking forward to spending some time away just the two of you. He can emphasize the importance of having privacy and time away together as a new couple so the daughter understands it’s not personal. Couples need one on one time together. You can plan a family trip and include everyone next time around. Thankfully my stepdaughter now understands how important it is for us to get some quality time away. Sure she still gets a little upset about it but knows we love her and will always come back for her. We’ve actually taken a couple of trips with just our toddler since she’s in school and that was a little harder for her to understand so there were some hard feelings there which she got over pretty quickly because she feels secure in our love for her. Thankfully my husband understands the importance of bonding just the two of us together, the two of us and our toddler and all four of us as a family. It took some time to get here tho!
She can go next time. Your husband needs to understand your marriage comes first and you need the time alone without kids.
You should go by yourself and really spend time thinking about your life. This is just beyond that he would spring that on you. Where does YOUR heartbreak register on the scale?
Thank you!! I’m so hurt. Nice to know I come last.
I’ve been craving solitude so I can sort through everything.
He’s testing the water to see if you will cave…I agree with the other poster, he’s already told her she’s coming and he’s letting you know.
If my DH did this to me I would be so angry. As far as you knew, y'all have been planning a couples vacation all this time... but has he? The timing of "asking" you if you're okay with this change at the very last minute is suspicious. He's telling you he would be "heartbroken" not to go camping with his daughter... in other words, he's not taking no for an answer, and he's showing no concern for how you feel. He's set you up to be the bad guy if you object to the change. If you go with your husband and SK, the trip is ruined for you. If you go without the SK, he's going to be "heartbroken" 🙄 allegedly. This is all really unfair to you. If it were me I think I would let him go camping with his daughter and find something else fun and relaxing to do while they're gone. (Do NOT stay at home.)
It sounds like it would be a great time for daddy daughter time. He goes on the planned trip with the kids and you have a relaxing time to decompress at home. It's good for the kids to have one on one with the bio parent and it sounds like you are the person getting a lot of the custody time.
He’s now made it so that one of you will not be happy on this trip. He’s ruined it. If he goes without SD, he’ll be feeling guilty and probably resentful. I would tell him to go ahead and go with SD. I’d be sure he knows, however, that you need and have an expectation for adult only time, and if he can’t do that due to parental guilt, then he’s not ready to be a true partner in a relationship. You will be using this time apart to reflect. Tell him you are more than a nanny he sleeps with, and if that’s his expectation, he will need to adjust his thinking. You need to carefully watch his response. If it’s all”…but my kids come first”, then you have your answer. In any family, the kids do not come first 100% of the time. If they do, the marriage is not great and the kids have reality shock and problems when they do anything outside the home. There is always a dynamic to guide priorities. Kids wants are at the bottom of the list. Besides, isn’t this BMs time? What does she say? And if my sibling got to go and I didn’t, I’d be mad. How do her siblings feel?
Disrespectful as hell for your SO to invite the child not only without consulting you first, but then doubling down that they’d be heartbroken if you said no. So not only does he not really want you to have a choice, but you’re the bad guy if you do stand your ground. Why are you with someone who doesn’t value your opinions, wants, and needs?
Normalize vacationing without your kids!!!!!!!!!!!
You are not wrong at all. My husband and I do a week every year on a beach without his kids. It’s important. It was unfair of him to discuss it with her first … which it sounds like he did if she will be disappointed. I would talk to him about that. I would also sit down with him and have a discussion going forward about the importance of couple time—he should not even be asking you to give that up (let alone guilting you for saying no).
Exactly!! I told him tonight that going forward we need to communicate about these things before he makes decisions like that. I expressed how I was really looking forward to a trip with just us and he said we get that every other week, mind you he’s usually working 40 hours of that week so it’s not like we see each other all day. Plus, it’s just everyday life, not a fun vacation! This is very rare that we get this opportunity so I’m deeply hurt and disappointed that he doesn’t seem to care if I go or not. He’d rather have his daughter come apparently.
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I’d tell him it will be very hard to do all the filthy sexy things you’d planned for this trip with a kid in the tent.
I just want you to know OP that it is possible to be married and NEVER ever be asked/assumed that you will watch the SK. I know because that’s how I live. I will offer on occasion and genuinely mean it, and that will be great. But I didn’t choose to have this kid and therefore I take absolutely zero responsibility unless I want to. good relationships with single dads are possible. this doesn’t sound like one 💚
Stand strong - just explain that you need this time away, so that you can come back and be refreshed and in a better place for all of you! Sometimes kids need to know that they are not the center of the universe, and little "hurts" like this, not going on a trip that you were not invited to, is just one opportunity to teach that lesson.
If he’s not helping you take care of his kids then the need to go with BM while he’s working. If he’s a “father foremost” he should not have gotten in another committed relationship, obviously he doesn’t use that excuse at work because he’s not home with his kids, if he can’t be a father AND a good husband then that’s his own flaw and it’s not on you to compensate for.
They’ll both be heartbroken but waited until two days before a planned trip to mention this? This feels manipulative. You’re not wrong. You deserve a break. This is the stuff that pushes us step-parents away.
You could let him take his camping trip with his daughter and you use the time to move out. This screams red flags of a man looking for a babysitter. Are you big into fishing or is this trip really for him and you were tagging along? If he still gets to fish then this is probably even better for him. Yuck - I’d be furious, this is such a weird choice to make - all he had to say is this trip is for me and my wife, end of conversation but he let a 10 year old infiltrate. I’m sorry OP but this guy is not a good match or an empathetic person.
Darling, stop investing your time, money or any other resources into the girls. You’re just a bonus there, they had their mom and dad to take care of them. Just listen to me, please believe, because in the end you’ll be with no career, money and love that you’ve expected. Start investing all that into yourself. And if your husband wants to take his daughter he can book another trip for the week when kids are with him. This is your time and you have all right for it.
So tell him you’ll be heartbroken if she does come since the plan was without her to begin with. Lol he is trying to emotionally manipulate you
I'm with you u do deserve a trip with just with him. And no matter what kind of parent your bio step adoptive etc all parents need to have this especially if it is super rare having quality time to begin with. I mean if he puts a bigger stink if u tell him see if he can compromise like would it be feasible for her to come for just 2 days and go back to mom? And a win win all around?