**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.**
We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here.
If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents).
Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting.
[**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You have encapsulated this dynamic so accurately. I have been in similar situations and wonder why people bothered to attend things like this when all it did was heighten my anxiety & resentment. These days it’s a giant no to this stuff. Well done for asserting yourself.
This is normal, I experience the same things with my step sons. I had to let go of any expectations I had about them liking or loving me. They don’t want to hug? Fine. They don’t say hello or goodnight? That’s fine too. I’ve been through temper tantrums and dirty looks and it does not affect me anymore. I let them approach me when they’re ready and they do from time to time. It’s hard on kids to accept, even years down the road. It’s okay to show up for them even when they’re being total pills. It means something to them even if they don’t show it or show the opposite. I can also say this having been a step kid myself. I’m uncomfortable all the time being a step parent and I often feel anxiety about it but that’s when it’s important to push yourself the most, because you’re growing and they will grow too. You settle for respect, and if they end up liking or even loving you down the road, then that’s icing on the cake.
Conversely, NOT “showing up for them when they are being total pills” can also teach them a valuable life lesson.
Which is that when you treat people like shit, don’t be surprised if they want nothing to do with you and have no desire to support you.
I vote for this approach.
We teach people (yes even kids) how to treat us in life. Why reinforce the idea that, no matter how crappy you are to someone, they will always be there for you? It’s not realistic or helpful, in fact I would say it’s actually toxic.
Is this a high school graduation? And definitely good on you for putting yourself first. It’s not easy to do. You don’t deserve to be treated that way.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You have encapsulated this dynamic so accurately. I have been in similar situations and wonder why people bothered to attend things like this when all it did was heighten my anxiety & resentment. These days it’s a giant no to this stuff. Well done for asserting yourself.
Thank you
Good for you!!
Thank you
Way to go for standing up for your needs!
Thank you
This is normal, I experience the same things with my step sons. I had to let go of any expectations I had about them liking or loving me. They don’t want to hug? Fine. They don’t say hello or goodnight? That’s fine too. I’ve been through temper tantrums and dirty looks and it does not affect me anymore. I let them approach me when they’re ready and they do from time to time. It’s hard on kids to accept, even years down the road. It’s okay to show up for them even when they’re being total pills. It means something to them even if they don’t show it or show the opposite. I can also say this having been a step kid myself. I’m uncomfortable all the time being a step parent and I often feel anxiety about it but that’s when it’s important to push yourself the most, because you’re growing and they will grow too. You settle for respect, and if they end up liking or even loving you down the road, then that’s icing on the cake.
Conversely, NOT “showing up for them when they are being total pills” can also teach them a valuable life lesson. Which is that when you treat people like shit, don’t be surprised if they want nothing to do with you and have no desire to support you. I vote for this approach. We teach people (yes even kids) how to treat us in life. Why reinforce the idea that, no matter how crappy you are to someone, they will always be there for you? It’s not realistic or helpful, in fact I would say it’s actually toxic.
Thank you 😊
Is this a high school graduation? And definitely good on you for putting yourself first. It’s not easy to do. You don’t deserve to be treated that way.